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Is he having an emotional affair?

(169 Posts)
Fern65 Thu 23-May-13 11:58:51

DH takes his phone with him just about everywhere and is always checking for messages when I'm not around. He even takes it straight to the bathroom first thing in the morning (if he hasn't already checked it under the duvet before getting out of bed).

He is on Facebook every night messaging whilst looking at other stuff on the internet. I started to worry about him being so secretive and have been trying to see who he's messaging on FB and it's always the same person. He has exchanged messages with her every day since I started paying attention to it all but it's been going on for months. I can't see what they are typing and he hides it if I get too close.

I asked him who she was and he said just a friend. I told him I wasn't happy with the amount of time he was devoting to her and he got very defensive saying that she was the best friend he had had in years. Since then he is still messaging her except the message box is now minimised to the tiniest size on the furthest side of the screen from where I sit.

I've read on here about emotional affairs but at what point does a friendship cross the line and become an emotional affair. I've no idea what the content of the messages is and no way of checking due to passwords. I briefly see her commenting on his FB posts and these can include a heart or xx at the end but then I sometimes do that with my friends. Any opinions?

VanitasVanitatum Thu 23-May-13 12:02:26

Don't know if it's an affair but would he be like this with a male best friend? Constant messaging, checking phone as soon as he opens eyes.. Don't think so. There is definitely too much invested on his side. The fact that he is defensive suggests guilt too I think. Female friends can be totally harmless, but this doesn't sound right.

AuntieStella Thu 23-May-13 12:05:44

I crosses the line when one spouse is keeping secrets from the other and/or lying about the extent and the nature of the contact.

KatherineLacey Thu 23-May-13 12:07:42

Very weird. I text and FB my friends a lot, male and female, but I would not feel the need to hide it from OH and even though I am addicted to my crackberry I don't feel the need to be constantly attached to it

Saying she is the best friend he's had in years is cause for concern.

How long have you been married?

Fern65 Thu 23-May-13 12:15:26

We've been married for 14 years and his exact comment was "she's the best friend I've had in 14 years".

fieldfare Thu 23-May-13 12:19:08

I'd be extremely concerned, to the extent that if it were me I'd be asking him to let me look. If it's all above board then there's nothing to hide and he'll let you look. If he again gets defensive, makes negative comments such as before, then I'd ask him what he's hiding and if he'd like to go and stay elsewhere while he considers his feelings and if this "friendship" is more important to him than your marriage.

fieldfare Thu 23-May-13 12:20:40

Actually, not just for him to think about his feelings, but to give you time to consider yours too.

Could you not have an educate guess at what his password might be?

Hopasholic Thu 23-May-13 12:32:44

I'd be really concerned about this too. That was a horrible thing to say re the best friend he's had in 14 years. Does he log out of FB every time? Is his phone password protected too?
He is being secretive and very unfair here. He can't seem to see that his behaviour is very hurtful because he's getting himself a right old ego boost from this 'friend'. Who is she? How did they meet? Do they meet up in RL or is it just on-line?

I'd be tempted to keep schtum for now until I could get some further info. If you alert him to your concerns, he'll just delete everything.

Even if it's entirely innocent, it's having an impact on your relationship now and he should listen to your concerns.

I would sit him down and tell him how you feel, ask him to let you see the messages. Gauge his reaction and take it from there.

He is being very hurtful telling you she is the best friend he's ever had. I would be devastated if I was in the position you're in.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 23-May-13 12:43:14

The level of contact frequency even if limited to FB is probably ever increasing. All time and effort that could be put to other use. The friend may not be local but at this rate a face to face encounter must be on the cards? Is she a colleague or old girlfriend?

It should be a household rule that phones and laptops get left in another room during meals or sitting around between evening meal and bedtime. Sorry OP but have read on threads here regarding affairs more than once, some spouse or partner actually sits a few feet away or delays bedtime blatantly texting or FBing a 3rd party. To contort an old saying, if it looks like an ea and sounds like an ea, you'd do well to try get his attention.

skyeskyeskye Thu 23-May-13 13:30:30

I am sorry, but he has crossed the line. If he is exchanging messages with a woman, that he doesn't want you to see, then he is having an Emotional Affair. This is my story...

XH didn't like his best mates wife, didn't have her mobile number. Gave her a couple of lifts to Uni, spent some time with her, started talking about her all the time. Felt sorry for her. She cried all over him about the loss of her baby in 2007.

XH walked out on me with no warning Feb 2012, came back, walked out again at Easter.

I then discovered facebook flirty chat, daily emails and thousands of texts a month to this woman. Everything with a xx at the end of it, which he never did to anybody. Sending her motivational emails telling her that everything will work out OK in the end. Claiming that they were just supporting each other emotionally, because her H couldnt support her. He bought her lovely birthday presents, spent the day with her on her birthday. All while I thought that we were working things out.

When a man is texting OW from 8am til midnight all day every day, when its the first thing that he does in the morning and the last thing he does at night, when he spends all night in the office on the computer on facebook, you know its not right.

While my XH was supposed to be working on our marriage, he was texting her all day every day, therefore his head was full of her, it wasnt full of me and our then 3yo DD. He even emailed her right through our family holiday, texted her throughout family days out, family events, he could not live without the contact.

My XH kept his phone on him at all times, he slept with it beside the bed. He wouldnt let me near it. He deleted all texts and emails so that I couldnt read them, it was only by chance that I found the things that I did. he took it into the toilet with him, to the utility room, if he popped to the shop, he took it every where that he went.

I divorced him in November 2012 because he was adamant that it was over, that he would not come back. and he was still texting that woman. A woman who is married to his best friend and who married her first husband while cheating on him with the man who would become her second.

People always recommend this link

www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

I am really sorry for you, but your H has crossed the line, he IS cheating on you and you need to put a stop to it. you need to see if you can find any evidence and then the best thing that you could do is tell him that it is not acceptable and ask him to leave while you both consider your options.

But you do need to prepare yourself, that it may be more than just emotional. But don't let yourself be taken for a fool like I was.

you are his wife, you are supposed to be his best friend.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 23-May-13 13:38:45

It's the fact that he's hiding this communication from you. I get a bit irritated if my husband looks over my shoulder when I'm typing to myriad friends (both sexes) - but I'm happy to hand over my laptop at any time for him to look at what we were talking about. He never asks, but he knows he can.

So sorry, OP, this looks very bad. How much time does he spend with his other friends and, when you add it up, how much time does he spend talking to YOU?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 23-May-13 13:40:56

<waves to Sky \o/...>

Your comment about a husband/wife being your best friend made me smile. I reminded me of when I was about 8 and I asked my mum who her best friend was, and she said my dad - I remember saying, "No, your PROPER best friend, who has to be a lady cos you're a lady...". I just wouldn't be told. grin

Sorry... as you were. blush

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 23-May-13 13:46:11

Secretive, obsessive and defensive when challenged....

... if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....

Fern65 Thu 23-May-13 14:02:41

Thanks for all your replies. I think I've been trying to kid myself that it isn't really happening and I'm just reading too much into it.

I've tried accessing his various accounts but he is very good with passwords and they will be completely random letters, numbers and symbols so i really don't stand any chance there.

All I've found out about her is that she's not married and is 10 years younger than me. She is a French singer/songwriter although not very successful from what I can see. I've just found a few pages about her songs so will go and have a look at those in a minute.

She isn't local but they have met once for the day and dh knew I wasn't happy about it. I think she'll be coming here again in a couple of months and there is no way they are meeting up again.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 23-May-13 14:05:42

Why not turn it around? Say how lovely it is that he has a new friend and why doesn't she come over for lunch or something... You'll quickly find out how he regards Mademoiselle Chanteuse that way.

He's met up with her knowing you were pissed off, cheeky bastard!

Fern65 Thu 23-May-13 14:16:56

I don't believe it. Her latest song which she published a week after they met is all about someone who is asking for forgiveness because they are in love with a person who they are not supposed to be in love with. It includes the line "if loves a crime then we're guilty". DH has commented on the bottom with a heart. Fuck...

Oh dear Fern, sorry to read that.

skyeskyeskye Thu 23-May-13 14:24:34

Fern - i have been there. Read some of my earlier threads. It's a shame that the very first one I posted was deleted, because I was saying that XH was texting this woman hundreds of times a day, but there was nothing going on because she was married to his best mate and that there was no way he would do that and she needed emotional support blah blah blah. It took a good kick up the arse from MN to make me see it for what it really was, which was extremely inappropriate behaviour.

i was desperate for my XH to come back because I was in shock and I just couldnt see it for what it was.

You have the advantage now. You need to trust your instinct. You need to have this conversation with your H. The contact needs to stop. you need to know exactly what messages they have been exchanging. If he wont show you then that speaks for itself. Dont take any crap from him about invading his pricacy or snooping or anything like that. He is in the wrong and he will defend himself in any way he can by lying and trying to make it look like you are in the wrong.

If there is any way of stopping this - and if you want to save your marriage - then you need to have that conversation with him, then ask him to leave while YOU consider what you want. He may go to her, if he does, then that is up to him. You do not want to be with a man who is now treating you like second best.

You need to be strong now. It's not easy, but we are all here to support you. Get some real life support too, tell friends and family.

I was with my XH for ten years, married for six. I have been to hell and back this past year trying to get through it, but I started on the back foot because my XH just walked out with no warning. Don't let that be you. This is your marriage, your life. Decide what you want to do.

AgathaF Thu 23-May-13 14:53:42

She's the best friend I've had in 14 years - that must have felt like such a kick in the teeth. It sounds like an EA. He is investing in her and them, rather than you and the two of you as a couple.

Where did he meet her, and how? How long ago? I wonder if it is a mutual thing, a proper EA, or if he is just completely smitten with her from afar and she is flattered and keeping him dangling?

What is your life like together? Do you do stuff together, go out, have hobbies, have a laugh together?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 23-May-13 15:36:45

Fern shock and angry For all we know she has lots of correspondents panting over her, she doesn't owe you anything but he does, and there he is, moping after her. It's a big leap from daydreaming about someone and hanging on their every word to actually doing something about it. Even so he is p*ssing me off and I don't even know him. I'm sure he is every woman's dream but while Fern is loyally washing his kecks and getting dinner ready, Mademoiselle Chanteuse is magically his 'best friend'.

Do you and he have children together?

omaoma Thu 23-May-13 15:43:01

it doesn't really matter how far it's gone or whether it's one sided does it? the bottom line is that he has something in his life that he prefers to hide from you than share, and is focussed on feeding it to the detriment of finding out how you feel about it, and how he can make you feel better about it.

the only question is what is the best next step for you. how far down the rabbit hole is he - would he respond to the idea of joint counselling, would a scheduled, serious talk about how you are both feeling hit the nerve, or would he simply deny, smooth over in either instance?

omaoma Thu 23-May-13 15:45:57

DH and i have personal obsessions with hobbies that cause us to be reading iphones late into the night (mine is MN, his various twitter accounts or websites), and we also have various celebs we fancy, but we can chat about all of these, politely humour each other's interests and laugh about our own ridiculousness as necessary, without having to shield our words from view.

skyeskyeskye Thu 23-May-13 15:47:25

Fern, X-posted with you earlier as it took me so long to write my post as I was supposed to be working blush.

That song says it all really doesn't it. Yes, you could be jumping to conclusions, but you probably aren't....

I am not a person who shouts LTB, it is your marriage, and only you can decide what to do, but he seriously needs to stop the contact or you will have no marriage. He is emotionally invested in her and that is all that you need to know.

I am so sorry that you found that song. My XH kept posting love songs on facebook and OW was putting a like on them. Everybody commented on it and I was saying, oh thats just his mates wife, he hardly knows her. Little did I know....

keep posting, get your thoughts out here...

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 16:28:23

Oh dear, he's got it bad huh? I would predict that the dumb twat will have his heart broken and come crawling back to you...but will you still want him?

Distrustinggirlnow Thu 23-May-13 16:52:42

Firstly an unmumsnetty (((hug)))
You have been given excellent advice upthread OP, Skye and cognito sending you very wise words amongst others.

IME when DH took his phone into the bathroom in the mornings, when he stayed late in his office, when he didn't come to bed at the same time as me in the evening, he had an OW. Im Sorry. I didn't have MN at the time or I would've spotted it sooner. You do, so take advantage of it.

You could ask him outright but he will deny and delete, minimise and drip feed and generally do your head in. He's has what's known as 'checked out' .

It doesn't sound like he wants to stop. I would tell him you know and ask him to leave. Let him go to his best friend. Meanwhile you're free to find someone who deserves you.

So sorry this is happening to you, it is horrible.

Yes, I don't know what else you can do but get him to leave. They think they are in love? Leave them to it.

What a horrid thing to find sad

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 17:06:32

Well...he's in 'love'. Who knows about her. Your jumping to a big conclusion if you think the ow actually wants your husband on a full time basis. Let him go, OP. It will either be an act of kindness on your part in letting true lovers be together or you will find out quickly how much less attractive men seem after someone else has dumped them.

skyeskyeskye Thu 23-May-13 18:01:16

distrusting - yes, XH also worked late and started going to bed later than me. After years of going to bed at 10.30pm, all of a sudden he was still up and I was going to bed later than him!

Fern - distrusting is right, whatever you ask him, he will minimise the truth and lie about it. He has checked out emotionally, just as my XH did to me. He went from sending me loving Christmas cards, to two months later, after meeting OW, to claiming that he had been unhappy for years. His words didnt match his actions.

Save yourself some heartache, hit him before he hits you. (metaphorically, Im not condoning physical violence). Once he has been asked to leave his home and give you space, he may well come running back. At that point, you need to decide if you want him back!

lifeshocker Thu 23-May-13 18:53:06

Your story rings so many bells with me the secretive endless texts. Late night calls , posting songs to each other on facebook. My dh changed her name on his phone to his male friends so look out for that.
My dh also said she was his best friend too.
Please dont do what I did initially and put up with any of his new "frienship" I tore myself in two believing I was being controlling and possesive.
y husband refused to give up his best friendand I eventually found some strength and self esteem and we split.This is nearly 3 years ago and we are now back together after he almost lost everything.
A bit of a warning after the fact my dh can see how totally inappropriate the whole thing was but at the time couldnt see it. If your dh is infactuated he might notsee it. You need to act quick and act tough.

skyeskyeskye Thu 23-May-13 20:01:23

lifeshocker - good post there. I often wonder what my XH will think after the fantasy bubble bursts with him. I wonder if it will hit him like a train and he will think WTF have I done to my life.... He would not acknowledge that what he was doing was wrong, yet I know if I had come home and told him the same things happening to somebody else, he would have been appalled......... The morals/personality transplant is all part of it.....

maybe he won't one day think WTF, but one thing is for sure, for anybody in this situation, until the bubble bursts, they will never see it.

My Xh had a call on his mobile of 1.5 hours to OW. This was a week before he suddenly walked out. When I asked him why he phoned her, he said he couldnt remember.

Fern - I hope that you are doing OK. Please do offload here, whatever is happening. We can all say what we think, but it is your life, please dont be put off by anything that we think you should say or do

AnyFucker Thu 23-May-13 20:08:56

I would say he is having an affair and not qualify it as anything less than that

You are being disrespected massively

Throw him out, there is no other course of action that does not add to your own humiliation

Fern65 Thu 23-May-13 20:47:52

Thank you again for all the advice. It's all been driving me crazy and I've no one I can talk to so it's been a big help just to get it all out.

I've got so many thoughts going around my head at the moment that I'm not going to say anything until I'm certain in my own mind what I want to do. I can look through my options and plan what is best for me and the kids.

The more I think about the whole thing the angrier I become. DH is sat in the chair next to me now and I can see the message box popping up every now and then. I am trying to contain myself but I just want to scream at him.

AnyFucker Thu 23-May-13 20:50:34

what an idiot he must think you are angry

skyeskyeskye Thu 23-May-13 20:55:30

Ok, then if that is your decision, get yourself some legal advice asap, so that you can be confident in your rights and so forth.

But I am not sure how long you will be able to ignore it for. I tried to with my XH because I was desperate to get him back, but it was eating away at me. I was scared to say anything in case I upset him hmm but I was in a bad state of shock at the time.

Ask your H to put his phone/ipad away. See what his reaction is!

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 20:57:20

So he's sat there humming chanson d'amour right in front of you and you're just going to sit there?

AnyFucker Thu 23-May-13 21:00:25

what a fucking piss take

what is wrong with some people that they sit and watch someone make an utter fool out of them ?

take the phone/pc out of his hands and tell him you are looking at the messages

this is what I would do

only if he won't react violently though..watch out for that...these types don't like you to stand up to them

Hissy Thu 23-May-13 21:02:30

Oh love, you have to sort this out right now. I'm so sorry.

Stand up, walk over there and ask for the laptop. Tell him you know and you just want to confirm how very much you do know..

Tell him he needn't stay in the room, in fact he could use the time to pack and find a place to stay.

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 21:07:04

How about walking over and saying 'right, hand over the laptop'...he'll be so shocked he'll hand it over. Now...let's see what's going on with this French bird...bet it's not verbs they're conjugating. What a fucking cheek.

ImperialBlether Thu 23-May-13 21:08:54

OP, tell us something more about you. Do you have children together? Do you work full time? Do you share a mortgage?

ImperialBlether Thu 23-May-13 21:12:43

I think everything depends on whether they have children and whether she has any money to spend.

In her position (without kids, with money) I would get up and pack a bag. He won't notice. Then I'd get in the car and drive off. I wouldn't be in touch with him except via a solicitor's letter. He needs an absolute wake up call.

If I did have children, I'd pack his bag and tell him to get out tonight.

How disrespectful he is, talking to her while he's sitting next to her.

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 21:16:48

Don't think I'd be leaving...I'd help him pack alright though. Doesn't matter if they share the mortgage, they are marrried. Income is an issue though. I think I would see a solicitor ASAP and file for divorce...(or get on online dating and sort out a bit on the side for yourself!)

ImperialBlether Thu 23-May-13 21:19:41

Yes, you're right. I'm thinking of when I first found out my ex husband was cheating - we were living together and renting - I really do wish I'd done a disappearing act. A kind of "be careful what you wish for" thing.

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 21:30:05

I think it's all you can do. Doing the whole 'you have to work out what you want....I'll do anything for the sake of the marriage/children etc' thing is doomed to failure cos it's basically saying 'do what you want, I'll still be here' and he's thinking 'great I'm God's gift to women, they all want me'. Better to say 'do what you want, I'm outta here'...which makes him go 'erm....but I Love you...' or at least forces him to move quicker.

Fern65 Thu 23-May-13 21:36:09

Unfortunately things aren't very straightforward, hence the reason why I want to look at my options.

We have 2 dc and I'm a sahm. I'm not in the UK and can speak very little of the language here (although I am learning). Returning to the UK is not something I want to do and would not benefit the dc.

skyeskyeskye Thu 23-May-13 21:41:42

Fern - you have to do what is right for you. Everybody wants to help, but only you know the situation that you are living in.

If you are living abroad, then you do need to look at all your options. Were the children born there? Would you be able to take them out of the country if you wanted to?

Divorce laws can vary in different countries, so please make sure that you get legal advice, that you can understand

AnyFucker Thu 23-May-13 21:45:49

because you are living abroad, it gives him the right to treat you like a fool ?

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 22:40:44

He needs you at home to look after the kids remember...

BornInACrossFireHurricane Thu 23-May-13 23:47:22

What an utter dick. His head would be through the computer screen if he was my husband.

OP, I appreciate how difficult it must seem but he is walking all over you. You deserve so much better

AgathaF Fri 24-May-13 07:46:04

Fern66 can you give a clue as to where you are? It may be that posters here can help with your rights, etc, or there may be posters living there who could offer you RL support.

I so feel for you. I cannot believe that he is being so cruel as to flaunt his 'friendship' under your nose like that. What a nasty piece of work he is.

ladyjadie Fri 24-May-13 10:22:13

Well Petite Madame Lovesong is French...

Does your H speak the language where you are Fern? He's really got it all worked out, hasn't he. You need him and she.. well she fills his 'fun friend' quota. What an arsehole.

I can't believe he said she was the best friend he's had since you were married. What an insensitive man. And so blatantly making a fool of you. He's behaving like a teenager, only he is not one. He has responsibilities and he is not willing to stick to them.

Pilgit Fri 24-May-13 10:33:47

I may well get flamed for this and I don't mean to cause upset or offence as this is a serious issue but it could be more complicated than it seems. He may not realise that what he is doing constitutes and EA. To illustrate what I mean I'll describe what happened in my marriage.

I introduced my DH to a woman who shared a lot of interests with him. I had always trusted him implicitly and so didn't think anything of them spending time together. A friendship developed and they spent an increasing amount of time together. DH was not in a great place at the time and neither was our marriage. She was having difficulties and so they became support for each other. So far so ok (won't say good). However when every conversation was brought back to her, when he did certain things because of her and, quite literally left me holding the baby whilst he pursued his dreams (the details would out me so being deliberately vague) I got paranoid about it and increasingly worried. I communicated all of this to him - not always in very constructive ways and we went into couples therapy. We have now come through it and are stronger than ever. I would maintain that he had an emotional affair (I know she would have taken it further with him and as I still have to see her that hurts) but he would maintain that he didn't. IN his mind I am the love of his life and always was and there was no physical side to it. However because she was an ever present feature of our life and his conversations and hobbies all included her I got a bit psycho about it.

However, DH would never have had a problem with me seeing emails, texts or any form of communication between them. He maintains he has nothing to be guilty for except cutting himself off emotionally from me and our marriage for a while (there were good reasons for that - even if it hurt a lot - don't agree with them but that's the way he reacts to emotionally difficult situations). I think part of the reason for him getting so involved was because she was into him and didn't challenge him - he didn't have responsibilities with her and he's a genuinely nice guy who will help anyone in distress. He never reciprocated her feelings and actually introduced her to her now fiancee.

I suppose the point of this post is that things can be more complicated than they at first seem and going in all guns blazing demanding to see text/email history may not be the way to go. If I were innocent and on the receiving end of that I would refuse. It is the active hiding that would worry me but neither would I demand to invade his privacy as that is quite a 'controlling parent' way of acting.

Lovingfreedom Fri 24-May-13 10:46:20

Well it's not going to just go away. If you let him away with it even if this affair finishes, there will be another to fill it's place. Most important, get legal advice and think in practical terms as much as you can. And don't tell him everything you are thinking. Knowledge is power (cliche but true). Your preferred option might not be to leave, but you need him to see/think that is an option. Face your fear - you already know he's in love with someone else. What have you got to lose by confronting this?

You could say something to him like 'look let's be honest about this...you're obviously in love with someone else....so what now?' And see what he says.

He might:

Admit it, feel guilty, offer to move out, make sure that you and the kids are ok though.

Admit it start crying and saying he's a fool and forgive him. You say 'you're pathetic' and leave him to think it over.

Deny it but you say 'come on I wasn't born yesterday...' And then he minimises it, you repeat 'come on....' until he breaks down and admits it and then you say 'you're pathetic' and leave him to think about it

Say 'she's just a friend' you say 'Oh really? I wasn't born yesterday...blah blah...' and leave him to think about it

Say 'yes, what you going to do about it? You are a SAHM and have no income of your own' and you say 'ok interesting that you see it that way'. and leave him to think it over.

If I were you, whatever his response, I'd tell him that you need him out of the house for a while so you can think things through. He can go to a hotel or whatever. Don't accept the creeping and grovelling he is bound to do. Even if you plan to have him back, don't let him see that.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 24-May-13 11:04:15

I got a bit psycho about it.

Pilgit I am glad things worked out for you and appreciate your frankness in telling your story but tbh I think you had every right to be very concerned and wouldn't label what he drove to you feel as being in the least "psycho".

Fern65 abroad or not, it is not what a kind caring partner does to someone, do you think for a moment he would sit back and let you while away hours chatting to a male in the same room, she may not be bodily there but he is sidelining you. It is an old trick to denounce someone as hysterical/greedy/possessive when actually they themselves are selfishly placing their own desires first for a bit of ego stroking.

I agree with anyfucker, dont sit back and let him take the piss out of you.

Fern65 Sat 01-Jun-13 17:52:23

UPDATE - I confronted h (I refuse to use the d) about the amount of chatting he does with MC (Madam Chanteuse) last week and he apologised profusely and said he would cut it down etc. He told me how much he loved me and how he had acted so badly. I had little concrete proof so decided to bide my time and see what happened.

About an hour ago h left his phone upstairs and went for a shower. It was locked but I have been watching him when he unlocks it and had an idea of the code. I got it right first time. Lots of I love you baby, miss you, you are the most beautiful soul in the most beautiful body that has ever walked this Earth - I could go on. I could kill him, I'm shaking I'm so angry. I checked it again 30 minutes ago and she's sent him a photo of her in just her underwear (can't see the top half just her pants). he's posted something back obviously drooling all over it.

The kids are still awake and I've got to keep my cool and act normal. It's so difficult I just want to cry. I can't control my shaking so I'm keeping away from everyone just now. I don't know why I'm posting this but I have no-one to talk to in real life and I just feel like my world has fallen apart. It's one thing having suspicions but to see the cold hard reality is something else.

I'm going to confront the bastard later.

StuffezLaYoni Sat 01-Jun-13 18:01:53

What a WANKER. Can you take pictures of the messages at all to keep as proof? How dare he treat you like such a fool?

Doha Sat 01-Jun-13 18:06:51

Sounds like he is having a full blown affair as much as he may deny it l think you have your proof.
He has thrown everything away. he needs to leave and give you space. Is the OW married?

headlesslambrini Sat 01-Jun-13 18:18:54

Im sorry this has happened. i agree with taking photos for evidence and if u can get her number.

Fern65 Sat 01-Jun-13 18:27:23

I've tried to take a few photos but it's difficult to get hold of his phone. I've got a couple of good pictures but my hand is shaking so much that they're a bit blurred. She is not married and has mentioned me in one of her posts so she knows I exist. She lives some distance away so it won't have got physical yet. I'm really crap at confrontation and am dreading this. Kids will be going to bed in 30 minutes and then the shit will hit the fan.

TurnipCake Sat 01-Jun-13 18:49:43

Oh darling sad

To be honest, I thought that would be the case, what an utter arsehole. We're here for you

woopsidaisy Sat 01-Jun-13 19:12:31

Can you be sure they haven't had sex?
Bastard.
Stay strong and don't let him off the hook.

forgetmenots Sat 01-Jun-13 19:14:40

So sorry fern sad he is the lowest of the low - stay strong for you and your dcs, it may not feel like it but she has landed the booby prize here.

Fern65 Sat 01-Jun-13 19:23:24

They have only met once so I suppose they could have had sex then. I think I'm more upset about how emotionally involved he is with her.

The bitch in me just wants to download the photo of her in her underwear to her FB public page and ask if she often sends this type of pic to married men.

forgetmenots Sat 01-Jun-13 19:32:54

Save your anger for him - she is a horror but it's him you need to tackle.
Good luck flowers

SisterMatic Sat 01-Jun-13 19:36:17

Bloody hell OP <holds hand>

A1980 Sat 01-Jun-13 19:38:20

I would upload it on fb! Serve her right.

Doha Sat 01-Jun-13 19:53:17

Hell yes l would upload to FB too. She knows you exist so she is not innocent hell hath no fury like a women scorned.
BUT
remember that it is your DH that you have the issue with here, the OW doesn't owe you anything so be wary of washing your dirty linen in public if there are friends/family of your on FB and you wouldn't want them to see it

<<hand holding>>

A1980 Sat 01-Jun-13 19:58:17

You would let her know that you know ...upload to fb smile

Greenkit Sat 01-Jun-13 20:10:55

xx flowers

Beckamaw Sat 01-Jun-13 20:12:54

I am so sorry and just wanted to hold your hand OP.

BriansBrain Sat 01-Jun-13 20:18:21

Don't upload anything on Face Book!

Nottalotta Sat 01-Jun-13 20:25:13

He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve this shitty treatment. Good god i'm angry for you! What a complete arse.

TurnipCake Sat 01-Jun-13 20:26:28

Don't upload anything, OP! Your dignity does not have an 'off' switch. Save your anger for him.

DownstairsMixUp Sat 01-Jun-13 20:32:31

Oh my god that is awful OP! So much good advice been given here, sometimes the help of strangers on a forum helps enourmously x

A1980 Sat 01-Jun-13 20:39:35

Yeah I was only kidding. Don't upload.

Let us know how you're doing x

invicta Sat 01-Jun-13 20:41:33

Cyber hugs to you.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sat 01-Jun-13 20:45:34

How are you doing Fern
I hope you're giving the bastard hell.

Fern65 Sat 01-Jun-13 21:13:33

Thank you for all the advice and hand holding thanks

I haven't uploaded the photo to FB and I know it would be the wrong thing to do. Despite all my nerves I have confronted h and I was surprised at how calm I managed to be. I asked him for more details about their friendship and he spouted the usual rubbish. A bit more pressure revealed that the friendship is very close and that he has a connection with her. He loves her as a friend.

I asked what they talked about as "friends" and was told it was the usual stuff. He was waffling and waffling until I asked him if he thought it was appropriate for friends to send photos of themselves in their underwear. Up until that point he had no idea I had read his phone. There was a very long silence.

Anyway, he thinks it's ok to love someone as a friend and appreciate them by posting complimentary things hmm He admitted the photo was inappropriate but not the rest. I explained what an EA was and that he had really crossed the line. Where we go from here I really don't know. I'm in shock and I need time to think. He went upstairs and I heard him on his laptop and phone. She's still listed as a friend on FB so I don't think he's taken me seriously at all.

Sorry if I'm waffling or if this makes no sense I just can't think straight right now sad

forgetmenots Sat 01-Jun-13 21:16:47

Fucking hell. So, so sorry.

BriansBrain Sat 01-Jun-13 21:21:58

What do you want to do Fern?

You have given him food for thought by telling him what you think but that doesn't mean he gets any choice in where you go from here, he has massively over stepped the line and deep down he knows it.

Get ready for it to be your fault and of course the anger over you looking at his phone.

I'm angry on your behalf

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sat 01-Jun-13 21:32:54

BriansBrain is right: get ready for your H to turn this whole thing around and start blaming you for the mess he has put you two in.

olathelawyer05 Sat 01-Jun-13 21:41:58

Interesting 'advice' here... well, I suppose you could loosely call it that. "hope you're giving him hell" ... "upload pics to FB" ... "don't let him off the hook"...etc. What hook? Another (younger) woman has HER hooks into him, reminding him that he's a desirable male, and the only thing the OP can hope for based on this questionable guidance, is child maintenance. Give him hell, and all he has to do is look at that picture to make himself feel better.

If the OP has given up on her marriage, then the above is fine. Keep the evidence etc. - especially if you live in a jurisdiction outside the UK where 'affairs' are relevant to divorce property matters etc.

But if the OP desires to save her marriage, the above will probably just confirm her as 'the enemy' to her H - the hassle he no longer wants. I say this as a man who has essentially been in the position her husband is in now... OP needs to be more considered in her approach.

forgetmenots Sat 01-Jun-13 21:46:44

If it's a marriage worth saving, they will have to work together at putting it back together. With him doing a huge amount of that work as it is him who has destroyed it. I don't doubt you're right, actually, ola - but if this is the fragility of the male ego when faced with losing his family, you can keep it frankly.

badinage Sat 01-Jun-13 22:44:06

This isn't an emotional affair. It's a sexual affair where there are emotions allegedly involved. They've met up at least once to your knowledge and she's sending sexualised pictures of herself to him.

He is lying and has been lying for a long time. Tonight he admitted to only what you can prove.

Your only option in my view is to withdraw completely from the picture and take away this illusion he has been given that he can have both of you. That the choices in this are all his - and hers.

Don't think for one moment that you don't have any of your own, because you do.

You can decide right now that you're worth so much more than waiting around while an unfaithful liar has an affair right under your nose.

Better to be on your own, or with a different man who'll respect you, won't lie to you and won't be unfaithful.

But if you want this affair to end and your marriage to stand any chance of surviving, your husband has got to think he's lost you for good.

Gingerandcocoa Sat 01-Jun-13 23:48:46

You have a choice now - continue to be lied to, or refuse to accept any more of his rubbish. There's nothing else to consider, there is no 3rd option.

vole3 Sun 02-Jun-13 06:01:49

I can only echo the excellent advice already given.

He has checked out of your marriage, you need to close the door to him and decide what you and the children need.

You might want your husband back, but that man is gone for good, to be replaced by someone who will lie to his nearest and dearest without batting an eyelid. He is no longer your friend and you need to get some RL friends around you at this time.

Sometimes my XH will do or say something to remind me that OW is now living 'my' life, whilst usually it pusses me off mightily, I remind myself that she is the one with the man who walked out on his wife and 3 year old son after lying, minimising his actions and making me think my behaviour was unacceptable for doubting his commitment to our marriage. I now have peace of mind about my part, I can only wonder if she has peace of mind when he's out later than expected, or on the phone / web......

vole3 Sun 02-Jun-13 06:24:23

I would also say by telling him to leave, you are giving him the opportunity to prove why you should choose to allow him back. If he falls short, you have lost nothing, he has lost everything.

If you let him stay, you will have the niggling doubt, is he staying because he wants to, or because he doesn't have a better option at this time.......

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 02-Jun-13 08:52:40

He is having an affair, sorry.

Get tough if you really want to save your marriage.

Loss is the only thing that motivates cheaters - tell him he has to leave while you consider your options. Then cold hard reality will hit him and he should then realise that he really stands to lose you along with his home comforts.

onefewernow Sun 02-Jun-13 10:09:46

I agree with mahc.

It isn't an emotional affair either. He wants a sexual relationship and just hasn't has an opportunity yet. He is clearly preparing for that, if he hasn't done it already.

He is in live with her and even going upstairs instead of comforting you is a sign he is considering his options with her.

You need to throw him out.

onefewernow Sun 02-Jun-13 10:10:05

Love not live

Sorry to read that your suspicions have been confirmed, what a twat he is.

Tell him to leave while you gather your thoughts about what you plan to do in the future.

I know it'll be hard on your dc's but keeping him in the house will be torture for you.

skyeskyeskye Sun 02-Jun-13 12:45:48

I agree. I am sorry that you found that, but it does confirm suspicions.

You do need to ask him to leave. He is only concerned with her and her feelings. Tell him that you are not prepared to put up with being second best and ask him to leave.

You are doing all the work running the home and she is getting all the praise.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Sun 02-Jun-13 13:31:28

How do you feel about him? Do you love him? Do you want to save the marriage?

Greenkit Sun 02-Jun-13 18:01:40

Sorry Fern x flowers

I guess you need to decide what you want, and then tell him

Surely you are not going to tolerate this?

Ahhhcrap Sun 02-Jun-13 18:15:51

The first thing he did after you confronted him was to go upstairs and log onto his computer? That, to me, shows complete disrespect! He's getting his story straight with her. You need to show him how serious this is!

He's taking the piss

Fern65 Sun 02-Jun-13 21:54:35

Thank you all once again for all the messages. H and I have hardly uttered a word all day and he has not touched his phone or laptop once. Late last night I heard h take his phone out for a couple of minutes and he has deleted his FB account.

I do still love him I don't think that will change. Whatever we did together was always good. Whenever he didn't have his phone with him it was great. I would like to try and save our marriage but I just don't think I can. I am the sort of person who dwells on things a lot and the more I think about the things he told her the more I think I don't want to live the rest of my life being second best. I only read about a weeks worth of messages but I feel totally devastated about the content. The little evidence I had a couple of weeks ago was bad enough but I never expected it to have gone this far. Staying with him I will never feel good enough, I will always wonder if he has another woman somewhere and I will never forgive him.

Oh Fern, how miserable.

You can't save this marriage on your own. He has to want to and at the moment he is too obsessed with his girlfriend to make any effort at all.

Will you get him to leave?

skyeskyeskye Sun 02-Jun-13 22:01:58

If he has deleted his facebook account, then that is something. But the cynic in me thinks that he is probably just contacting her by some other method.... If you want to save your marriage, then you BOTH have to want to do that. You could go for counselling together or separately to work things through.

I begged my XH to come back, even after finding thousands of texts to OW on his mobile bills, but in reality, I would have never trusted him ever again. Each time he got his phone out I would have wondered what he was up to.

I can see where you are coming from.

badinage Sun 02-Jun-13 22:02:14

Oh love sad

I'm so sorry.

But I think you're right in this case.

I'd give different advice if he'd come clean, ended this relationship and begged you to forgive him. Then I'd say take your time and don't decide yet.

But the decision you've made in the absence of all that is the right one.

What a fool he is.

SweetSeraphim Sun 02-Jun-13 22:14:07

So sorry for you sad

I hate to say this... but are you sure he's deleted his FB? It may look like that to you if he has deleted and blocked you.

Fern65 Sun 02-Jun-13 22:22:31

Neither or us has anywhere else to go but luckily we have a spare room. H was planning on visiting his family (not in this country) this month so that will give me a bit of space.

He has plenty of other ways to contact her. Both of their Skype accounts are still active (he isn't aware I know about them), he uses a number of other messaging apps and he phones her too.

I have another FB account so I have checked that his account is definitely deleted. Have also looked at other woman's account and this morning she changed her profile pic to a photo of her with a stupid grin, photo shopped devil eyes and she's holding a pawn. Underneath she's written "checkmate..." Only goes to show it wasn't all innocent "friendship".

A1980 Sun 02-Jun-13 22:46:18

OMG what a bitch.

They deserve each other.

piratecat Sun 02-Jun-13 23:06:16

that's the prob, he could have blocked you, do you have a mutual friend you could ask to look on their fb for you.

another thing is, it's so easy to set up an anonymous fb account to carry on communicating. sad

piratecat Sun 02-Jun-13 23:07:27

sorry my page didn't refresh properly.
what an insulting bitch.

grrrrrrrrr

onefewernow Sun 02-Jun-13 23:18:21

Fern the checkmate comment was vile, and showed she thought she was playing a competitive game, and one which you forced your H to abandon against his will.

ImperialBlether Sun 02-Jun-13 23:34:21

I would be tempted to ask her why she had a picture of my husband's penis in her hand.

Takingbackmonday Mon 03-Jun-13 00:09:21

I am SO angry for you

Takingbackmonday Mon 03-Jun-13 00:16:00

sorry Fern, I'm not so good at relationships, but youre brilliant and he needs to bugger off. He is treating you abysmally

superlambanana Mon 03-Jun-13 00:49:59

I think you need to adopt a coldly angry but controlled stance. Don't take any crap from him - be very strong, take the moral high ground (tempting as it is to shout insults etc), and as someone upthread said, show him what he could lose. He's got to feel like he will lose you if he doesn't buck his ideas up pronto, if it's going to stop. Don't cry all over him.

I say this as someone who has been in his position. Not proud of it and I had a damn lucky escape - got a swift kick up the behind when I thought I was going to lose DH. Thank god he had faith in me. There is no way on this earth I would do anything like it again.

badinage Mon 03-Jun-13 01:28:25

Bloody hell shock

I'm sure the anger and shock must be awful when on the receiving end of that sort of goady cruelty from an OW and I wouldn't expect you to have processed any of that yet.

But doesn't it speak volumes for your husband's judgement that he loves a woman who could be that cruel and nasty to the mother of his children?

My guess is that she will chew him up and spit him out when he's served his purpose, but that will be his sadfuck karma and it's my most fervent wish that by that time, you'll be in a much better place.

Can you get some support in RL now Fern?

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Mon 03-Jun-13 06:48:26

Please don't think that deleting his FB account has achieved anything, or that any of the utter twaddle he has given you is true.

He's deleted his FB account so you can't spy on him that's all. He has removed one of your ways of checking he's not still boffing MC. He has not stopped the relationship with her. Nor, I imagine, will he.

And keeping away from his phone? Yes, until he can get to a shop and buy a secret one to keep hidden from you.

He needs to go.

There is always a way, please don't think of staying with this appalling man because you are abroad and think you have no other options. And why, at this stage, do you even care that he has nowhere else to go? I'd venture to suggest that, actually, he does, doesn't he? To MC. And that's where he'd be if you did kick him out.

invicta Mon 03-Jun-13 06:51:43

Sorry to hear the news. I wondered whether the initial phone calls was to end the relationship and cancelling the fb account was part of this. What has he said he has wanted to do? If it was a good relationship before, is it worth saving. Take time to consider everything, and don't rush into things.

LondonKitty Mon 03-Jun-13 08:41:17

You must feel so terrible. Do you have anyone in RL to help you?... Just talking to someone can help get perspective.

How far away are your family and friends?

Something like this happened to a friend recently and I can see what it's doing to her.

sad

Definitely here to hand hold.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Mon 03-Jun-13 10:38:51

How are you today Fern?

piratecat Mon 03-Jun-13 10:55:58

just coming back to this, to see how you are, that picture must have ripped you apart.

oh your dh must be feeling 'so special' now, if he saw that.

grrrrrrr. angry for you. x

I think you've been very brave and that you spoke a lot of truth to your DH. Well done. I don't know what you do from here, but if you can continue to talk to him truthfully, perhaps you will find the way.

Fern65 Mon 03-Jun-13 15:43:22

Sorry I haven't been back sooner it's been a busy day. I think you are all right he must still be in contact with her. He was remarkably cheery this morning and I noticed his phone needed charging again (was 85% charged Saturday evening, switched off all day yesterday). He also spent a very long time in the bathroom this morning with his phone.

Reading all your messages suddenly made me remember something. He does have another FB account which is only friends with his main account. I bet he's using that to correspond with her.

I have no-one in RL to talk to. No friends and I'm not sure if I want to talk to my family. I would love to have a good rant to someone but my parents are certainly worthy of the Stately Homes thread. Dm would relish the whole thing and as soon as I put the phone done she would ring and tell everyone. She is incapable of keeping things quiet no matter how much I tell her. Df would certainly side with h and tell me not to cause a fuss.

Anyway, kids are driving me nuts so I'd better go and sort them out. Will have more time to respond later.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 03-Jun-13 16:14:38

Have you decided what to do about him?

skyeskyeskye Mon 03-Jun-13 16:18:56

It sounds like you are starting to think more clearly. It is easy for us to sit here and say do this, do that, because we know what is coming next, but this is your life and your feelings involved.....

I think you do know what you have to do and I hope that you find the strength to do it.

LookingForwardToMarch Mon 03-Jun-13 16:26:20

Personally (and I have done this) I would take a hammer.

Smash his phone and laptop into tini tiny pieces.

In my case, although my ex then realised how out of order he was and apologised, I dumped his ass anyway.

Try going a bit mental op. It's not dignified but damn it works ( and feels good) grin

Fern65 Mon 03-Jun-13 16:58:32

I was right. Just checked his phone (new password) and i can see the fb messenger icon open. Bastard.

Fern65 Mon 03-Jun-13 17:00:54

Old account still showing as deleted.

LookingForwardToMarch Mon 03-Jun-13 17:11:42

Fern...seriously.

Back garden + hammer + phone

Officershitty Mon 03-Jun-13 17:13:51

Just read this thread open-mouthed. I would be tempted (if you can, I know it would be difficult) to pack his bags, tell him to shove off, get support from any place or people possible, and get some space for yourself to think.

ExcuseTypos Mon 03-Jun-13 17:17:46

I agree with Officer just pack his bags.

He is totally disrespecting you.

Don't worry about the fact you say he has no where to go, he can jolly well go and find somewhere.

onefewernow Mon 03-Jun-13 17:22:48

Forget the phone. He will call you a nutter, deny, and buy another one.

He has shown you what he thinks of you, and how much he cares for your opinion. Actually, she has checkmated you, hasnt she, not the other way round as I originally thought? No wonder she was grinning.

Just kick his ass OUT and his stuff after him. Sell what you can and move back to regroup.

So sorry to hear this OP, I feel so angry for you what a complete shit!
I really don't know what I'd do in your situation, probably post the picture on FB like you said out of sheer anger!
How disrespectful of him to carry on contacting her!
Complete git
I'd be tempted to take his phone and smash it with a hammer!

loopylou6 Mon 03-Jun-13 17:24:41

I'm sorry you're going through this fern, but I really think you should kick his ccheating arse out.

The amount of disrepect he is showing you is beyond shocking.

AlistairSim Mon 03-Jun-13 17:41:09

I'm so sorry, OP.

What do you want now?

AgathaF Mon 03-Jun-13 17:42:25

So sorry that he is being such a shit and that you are having to cope with all of this.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Mon 03-Jun-13 18:06:31

So sorry OP. sad

forgetmenots Mon 03-Jun-13 18:33:33

Fern, enough is enough. You need to sit him down and have it out - no wriggling or escaping, ask honest and direct questions and tell him you expect honest answers. Ask to see his phone, emails, FB. The reactions will tell you enough, you won't even have to look.

So sorry sad

Fern65 Mon 03-Jun-13 18:37:28

forgetmenots That's exactly what I plan to do tonight. Once the kids are settled I want a lot of answers.

forgetmenots Mon 03-Jun-13 18:38:57

Good luck, I really hope he can at least have the decency to be honest. flowers

Forgetmenots has good advice. Good luck Fern, so sorry :-(

Well you already know that he thinks he is in love with her- I don't think it's answers you need so much as to make a decision- can you put up with this or not? If not, what are you going to do?

Nottalotta Mon 03-Jun-13 21:07:36

Good luck Fern.

LondonKitty Mon 03-Jun-13 21:14:52

You've already shown far more restraint and dignity than I would in similar circumstances.

But I think it's time to let him have it. I am in agreement with those who advocate smashing his f-ing laptop and phone. He SO has it coming!

superlambanana Mon 03-Jun-13 23:21:19

I'm not in the smash his phone camp, tempting as it would be. You don't want to turn into the crazy lady. Whatever you decide to do - if you want him back potentially, or want to get shot of him - you need to be the sane, controlled one. Don't give him any ammunition whatsoever. Wrongfoot him!

I've read this totally open mouthed sad

I'm so sorry for you op, I think you know what you need to do xx

LadyMaiBlossom Mon 03-Jun-13 23:49:01

I think you need to make an exit plan and see a lawyer. I dont see how this can get better, he knows you know and is still dating ow.

Ask him to leave.

LondonKitty Tue 04-Jun-13 00:03:56

No, I stand by the smash his phone view.

There's nothing at all crazy about it. He's been a complete shit and it would actually be crazier not to.

It will make you feel better, and is his instrument of betrayal, so frankly is totally a legitimate target.

Please let us know if you have someone in RL to help you because it is just too hard to do this by yourself.

Sending you be strong thoughts!

Greenkit Tue 04-Jun-13 02:07:46

I have another FB account so I have checked that his account is definitely deleted. Have also looked at other woman's account and this morning she changed her profile pic to a photo of her with a stupid grin, photo shopped devil eyes and she's holding a pawn. Underneath she's written "checkmate..." Only goes to show it wasn't all inncent "friendship".

What a bitch

Kick him out x

ShinyPenny Tue 04-Jun-13 02:51:50

I wonder if his plan to visit family, alone, later this month is going to involve her.
I really think you should ask him to leave.

Spree Tue 04-Jun-13 03:55:15

There is another poster on here who's always said "loss motivates cheaters" and I cannot agree more.

He needs to feel the loss of you, his children, his warm home, home cooked meals, laundry service - all of this before he will come to his senses and come out of his little "lurve fog".

I have been there & can say, hand on heart, that the best thing I ever did, was to kick him out when I found out, I would not let him home - he had to stay in a cheap hotel for a few nights then find a tiny apartment.

He came to his senses not long after that & we are trying to rebuild (the most difficult thing I have ever done & not sure I'd recommend it)

Good luck

overture Tue 04-Jun-13 08:29:44

I agree with Spree.
Reading this thread is likened to watching a car smash in slow motion. So very hard to read, I feel to terrible sad for you and your dc. I cannot believe how selfish and completely disrespectful your DH is toward you and your marriage.
I think you're very tolerant perhaps to a bit of a fault, but I understand you live somewhere that makes it difficult. Keep being strong, and head held high.
I hope you are ok this morning. You've handle everything thus far with a lot of grace and patience, hope he comes to his senses and realise how awful he is acting. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.
flowers

A1980 Tue 04-Jun-13 08:31:37

Also watch how quickly their affair burns out once he turns ip on her doorstep step with his bags

Did you manage to talk last night?

skyeskyeskye Tue 04-Jun-13 09:55:22

Fern - I hope that you managed to talk to him last night and that you are OK.

Please don't take any excuses from him, you gave him a chance and he betrayed it.

lazarusb Tue 04-Jun-13 10:38:29

Delurking to wish you strength. Your thread is such a difficult one to read. The complete lack of respect these two imbeciles are showing you is making me very angry. It is so hurtful. They're acting like they can brush your feelings under the carpet and carry on. Despicable.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Tue 04-Jun-13 14:24:24

The best you can do in the awful situation is to take control Fern
I hope you got some answers last night. I have a feeling that your H is utterly devoid of guilt or remorse which will make getting the truth and moving on much harder for you.
What so your next step, do you have a number for your husbands HR in case you need to find out your rights (eg will the school continue to fund any mobility package you may have if you live separately etc) or repatriation rights if it comes down to that.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Tue 04-Jun-13 14:26:11

That was meant to read 'will his job continue to fund school places and continue with any mobility package you may have'.

LondonKitty Wed 05-Jun-13 23:37:30

Also wanted to post my support today. Hope you are ok?

yorkshirewoman Thu 06-Jun-13 10:00:47

I posted ages ago - but am in exactly the same position - found mobile unattended (in his bed - apparently lots of couples sleep in separate rooms) with masses of messages to OW - 'I love you .. I so adore you...etc lots of kisses .. even txtd/phoned while we were on holiday - and at Christmas - why? because she was lonely! I was given her life story and expected to feel sorry for her, unbelievable. He V active leftwing political activist met her through union work. (He also into women's underwear - big time - again found accidentally)
P won't talk about anything now all my fault because I found his mobile - I have been threatened with legal action (union man to the core) because I invaded his privacy and sent txts to OW when I found his phone asking her what she was up to. Assured by them both its platonic.
- but mobile never out of his hands - laptop p/worded to death - he meets her most days - so am in some sort of weird nether world - but been to solicitors etc, He is much richer than me and so are his family - so he wins either way - will buy me out of the house/garden I created - as he lives largely in the attic room - just is stressing me out.
Been with him for 20yrs - not married - active feminist - but thinking back shld have got married as it wld have given me more legal protection.
Now fearful of the future at nearly 65 - OW is 40 - So if you are younger than me, Fern, and are better protected - get out now. For me it is going to be extremely difficult - poverty and old age aint in it.
Sorry this is long but really pissed off.

skyeskyeskye Thu 06-Jun-13 10:07:04

yorkshirewoman - sorry to hear your story. your P and this woman are definitely involved. My XH and OW were exactly the same, we are just friends, he understands me better than my H, blah blah blah. But you dont send messages saying, miss you, love you, adore you etc if you are just friends. My XH also texted/emailed OW all through our family holiday and family events.

Do you own your house 50/50? If so, you are entitled to at least a half share. But you say you have had legal advice, so I presume that you know that your rights are.

I can understand that it is difficult for you to get out at your age and it is good of you to advise Fern based on your experience.

Jessdurberville Thu 06-Jun-13 10:08:37

Dear god yorkshirewoman - that is shocking.

yorkshirewoman Thu 06-Jun-13 10:42:23

I am sorting out financial stuff with solicitor - but still leaves me in v bad position financially - he knows that he is in a much better position than me - so a lot of smirking is going on. What is really painful is that all this stuff was hidden from me (and still is) He maintains its just friendship and platonic - so no problem. However it is pure mental torture for me. He just doesn't get it. Secrets from partners are where trouble starts and he is a v secretive man.
It looks awful in print unfortunately it's all true and v v painful. Thank god for my sons who are being v supportive.

Fern65 Mon 10-Jun-13 23:18:43

yorkshirewoman really sorry to hear your story sad I can certainly understand the mental torture as that is exactly how things have been with me too. I'm nearly 40 but financially I will be left with next to nothing. H will lose very little.

Fern65 Mon 10-Jun-13 23:38:51

Sorry never actually updated this thread. I did speak to h and I did make a mistake regarding FB. I got my icons mixed up and it was actually his email inbox that I had seen. He has not been back in touch with her and the FB account remains deleted.

H is off work for a number of weeks at the moment and we have been trying to make things work. he seems to be carrying on as if nothing has happened (although he hardly uses his laptop anymore). I have moments when things feel normal and then it all comes flooding back. It's mental torture and I just can't deal with it. Having read about 6 days worth of messages my imagination has been going into overdrive. Was there more to it? Were they physically involved? I know the FB account isn't deleted until 14 days after the initial request so today I asked h to log in because I needed to know for my own sanity what had gone on in their discussions. I expected him to moan a bit but I wasn't expecting him to completely refuse. He told me to get over it, brush it under the carpet, let's just move on. Well, seems to me that there probably is more to it after all.

If I'm right then he has lied again and it's over. If he refuses to show me and the account is deleted then, it's over. So I think that's it my marriage is finished.

skyeskyeskye Mon 10-Jun-13 23:50:36

Fern - I think from what I have read on here that full and open disclosure is the only way that people can get through it and over it, they have to be certain that there are no more secrets.

My XH hid everything from me. I begged him to come back, but with hindsight I never would have trusted him. he would have had to cut all contact with his best mate and his wife. I would have wondered every time he picked the phone up, who he was contacting.

Please get some legal advice if you haven't already, make sure that you know your rights and don't agree to anything without legal advice.

I am sorry if your marriage is over. If he really wanted to save it, he would be doing everything he could to reassure you. He obviously has something that he doesn't want you to see. sad

familyscapegoat Mon 10-Jun-13 23:51:34

Fern having been through this myself all I can advise you with all my heart is to be strong and not to try to make things work from this very low platform.

Your husband has no idea of the enormity of his actions and from what you've said on this thread, is still lying to you about the extent of this other relationship.

It is not possible to brush this under the carpet and move on.

My feeling is that you've already got enough to make your decision that the marriage is over, so be careful of setting yourself further tests before you will act.

People truly never value anything that's so easy to thow away and get back. They only value what is difficult to attain and hang on to, or retrieve when it's been lost.

AgathaF Tue 11-Jun-13 08:09:26

Fern this book is recommended often on MN. Could you get hold of a copy? It would be good if your H would read it too, although if he is in denial of wrongdoing to you and wanting you to forget anything has happened, then maybe he will refuse to read it.

unobtanium Tue 11-Jun-13 13:29:01

Hi Fern, what a devastating story. I am so sorry, and send you all the strong-woman vibes you will need.

Betrayed40 Thu 04-Jul-13 13:35:37

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TheVermiciousKnid Thu 04-Jul-13 14:06:19

men are simple creatures and it doesn't take much for another woman to get their attention if she really wants to

Nonsense.

You are not going to make friends and influence people by digging up old threads about affairs, adding virtually identical posts and promoting your blog...

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