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How does one start the 'you are terrible in bed' conversation?

(103 Posts)
PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 11:09:42

That's it really.

I have a very lovely boyfriend, been together 6 mths. For the first couple of weeks sex was also rather lovely especially after my very long break

He was coming off anti depressants when we met, now totally off, and he is cheerful, normal and kind. But they left a bit of a legacy in his penis apparently, and he just could not keep it up. This frustrated and embarrassed him, and I really didn't want to put any pressure on, so til last night we have not had sex for two and a half months.

I wouldn't mind so much, but he literally has not touched me in a sexual way in that time, we kiss and cudde a lot, but it's like he can't put his hands below my neck. And this is a man that says he loves boobs and often comments that mine look nice.

So, last night. He has been to docs and has the blue pills, took him a while, but he did it. Excellent. HE STILL DID NOT TOUCH ME.

Excuse the TMI but: We were in bed. Tshirts on. We kissed a bit, I felt him getting hard on my leg, he said 'it's working' kind of lifted me on top of him (I'm tiny, hes massive and strong). I wasn't quite ready, could have done with a bit more warming up, you know? But I didn't want to spoil the boner, so managed. Rode him for a bit, he lay there eyes closed. I got a bit bored and got off. He got on top for a bit. He came. Rolled off, said thank you. Spooned to sleep.

I feel bloody cheated. I wanted actual sex and an orgasm all of my own not... well whatever the hell that was. Rubbish.

How do I tell him? I know he knows what to do, he did it when we first met. I want him to keep doing it. HELP.

(Everything else relationship wise is great btw, he shares money/housework when he is at mine/buys food etc.)

DoingItForMyself Thu 23-May-13 11:19:24

I'm not sure there's ever a good way to start a 'you're terrible in bed' conversation! Caul you give him the benefit of the doubt this time, sounds like he was very preoccupied with being able to keep it up himself and wanted to concentrate on that. Now you both know that it works, next time you can concentrate on it being more fulfilling for you too. I think any form of criticism can only do harm at this stage, so keep it encouraging and guide him. If he carries on being selfish then have a talk about your expectations fromsex, but I think it's early days to be writing him off altogether. I do feel for you though, must have been very frustrating.

DoingItForMyself Thu 23-May-13 11:19:46

Caul? Could obviously.

MrsSpagBol Thu 23-May-13 11:20:02

Since he has done what you liked before, I think that you should try and have sex again.

If he does this again, then I think you can have a light hearted convo along the lines of "i really liked it when you used to...."

He might have been v v v v nervous last night and completely worried about his performance and sort of forgotten about anything else? you

nenevomito Thu 23-May-13 11:22:16

I know I should be more sensitive, but I'm crying over the fact that the first person to answer is called DoingItForMyself.

Seriously - if the sex is shit 6 months in, its not going to get better. Have the conversation, but unless you're prepared to have a relationship without the physical side, you may want to think about moving on.

MrsSpagBol Thu 23-May-13 11:23:59

LOL babyheave!!!

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 11:24:05

Ok, I'm possibly being a bit hasty and mean? I guess it's just massive disappointment. I'll say nothing and see what happens. But if I say nothing he might think that was ok. And it wasn't.

Benefit of the doubt though. Good job I've the patience of a saint...

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 11:26:34

grin @ babyheave

Yes, I know, but there has been a reason (the anti depressants and their legacy, which can take ages to wear off), and he has gone and got it sorted eventually ... and he's lovely, and I fancy the arse off him, and in every other way is is an absolute keeper. I cna't live with not sex though. It is a rubbish situation.

LadyMaiBlossom Thu 23-May-13 11:27:03

Try a few more times and see what happens?

Dont forget to communicate during sex -some men need a road map wink

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Thu 23-May-13 11:27:28

It sounds like he was incredibly nervous about his equipment working, and that's what his focus was on. Once he gets his confidence back then I don't see why it shouldn't be good again.

Kormachameleon Thu 23-May-13 11:29:16

It's far too early days to be having g crap sex

Tell him "you were very selfish last night and I didn't enjoy it, pull your socks up or we are done "

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 23-May-13 11:30:29

The thing is, this will be one of two things.

He is either a selfish lover, who paid attention to you in the beginning but isn't going to put the effort in anymore;

Or he's been under a lot of pressure, and was very worried about his performance last night. It could improve, with time, as he gets his confidence back.

In the first situation, you'd need to mention it because he won't change. The best you'll ever get is him putting effort in occasionally when you pull him up on it.

In the second, he needs time to get that confidence back, and criticizing his performance (however nicely you do it, that's what it'll feel like) will make it worse. You coud end up back at square one.

It seems better to wait it out, encourage him and show him what you want, rather than risk worsening the problem.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 11:35:38

Harsh Korma! I do actually like him quite a lot grin.

Any suggestions on gentle ways to encourage a bit of touching ME while he regains confidence? I don't suppose me saying "Yep. BRILLIANT" afterwards while dripping with sarcasm and only sarcasm sadly helped with the old confidence. But I don't think he heard. I need to draw up this road map...

WhiteBirdBlueSky Thu 23-May-13 11:40:38

If he's been having erectile difficulties then I do think it's a bit harsh to immediately have the 'no fireworks for me' conversation the first time he's got it up.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Thu 23-May-13 11:41:48

I think focusing on you more could actually help if he's nervous. Becomes less all about the PIV side of things. You can talk about these things without heaping the pressure on. From my experience, it is less likely to be a problem if he knows that you are supportive and aren't going to be pissed off with him if he can't keep it up. So, I would broach it, but not in a "That was shit" kind of way but "How about you focus on me a bit so there isn't the pressure on you performing?"

kotinka Thu 23-May-13 11:42:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kotinka Thu 23-May-13 11:43:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 11:45:28

OK so you've been together 6 months, 2 and half months of which no sex and then this performance (eyes closed, no touching below the belt, no foreplay and roll-off after he's had enough)...I don't think he's ready for a girlfriend at the moment, for whatever reason. Move on.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 11:56:11

LovingFreedom - I see how it looks yes, but everything else he does indicates the opposite, and I am Queen of Red Flag Spotting, I think...

I'm grin at your prudish phone kotinka. LOL

I'll wait it out a bit longer. I wonder if he'll take another pill tonight, as he is staying and then I wont see him til Sunday. Hmm.

Thank you for all your advice, I feel a bit better, and like it may get mended. Does anyone actually have personal experience of getting back on track after ED?

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 12:00:45

But it's nothing to do with ED if he can't be bothered with your pleasure/orgasm is it?

NoNoNotFelpershamRaces Thu 23-May-13 12:01:43

Firstly, OP, I love the name and the way the scriptwriters have manipulated us into rooting for Tiger, which has inspired my own, necessary name change.

Since getting together with Bloke 4 months ago, problems with PE, cramp at PIV orgasm, and variation in hardness during our mutual fun and games have made for an interesting time, somewhat similar to yours.

Blimey, that's as much as I can write for my first post. Will just say that we are both achieving sexual satisfaction, but also not able to do all that we want to do.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 12:02:35

Well, that's what I'm not sure about. Why he's not trying with me, yes. But like other people has said he's nervous/lost confidence etc.

But yes.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 12:05:55

I had to have a new name for this naturally Felps I love Lillian but she needs to stay with Tiger she really does

Hmm. So you have still been, um, messing about a bit? For want of a better phrase. We've been sleeping together most nights but with no touchy feely. I'm finding that as odd.

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 12:08:49

TBH the ED is the least of your problems here. Presumably his hands, tongue etc work ok? If he's not willing to use them then get shot of him...

kotinka Thu 23-May-13 12:14:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoNoNotFelpershamRaces Thu 23-May-13 12:26:10

A few background facts.

Lovely Bloke and I are in our v early sixties. (God that looks awful written down). Before we got together I thought I was past all that. But now it feels like we are teenagers, helped by the fact that we only stay at one another's a couple of times a week, if that. The teenager thing is helped partly because he is v v good at heavy petting (that awful phrase), esp by touching boobs, which I love. But this, though he brings me to orgasm that way blush just makes me want other stuff as well. So I find myself in a state of satisfaction and frustration at the same time. Just like a teenager! This is fine - for the time being.

Phew! It is weird writing this.

Beatrixpotty Thu 23-May-13 12:31:27

If that's the first time he's taken Viagra and previously had ED,he was probably really anxious about it working and worried that if he spent time warming up he might have just gone floppy again.Knowing that he can get it up again will probably boost his confidence and he can spend a bit more time making it better for you next time.I wouldn't give up on him just yet,give it a bit more time.At least he's acknowledged the problem and is trying to sort it out,he sounds like a good bloke otherwise.

MirandaWest Thu 23-May-13 12:37:03

I've been with my bf just over a year. He suffered from ED at the beginning of our relationship - no erections at all. I wanted to stay with him so was very patient about it and things improved a lot smile.

But all that time he focused on me and touched me all over, gave me oral sex and I had lots of orgasms. That part is missing for you and that's the part that I feel is more a problem. PIV is only one aspect of sex (although one I do enjoy a lot) and while Viagra can help with that, it's not going to help with you enjoying sex with him.

kotinka Thu 23-May-13 12:38:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 13:17:35

Felpersham grin how lovely, that teenagerey feeling! But I hope you get more satisfied soon. Are you seeing a Dr or anything? thank you for sharing your experience x

I am determined to not give up on him, as he is, like Beatrix said a jolly nice bloke.

Miranda has kind of got the point. I THINK, that he maybe was not getting me excited, so to speak, as he thought I would then expect PIV, and he couldn't. But I am speculating with that one.

He's has plenty of partners, this is another thing I am thinking. He's a bit >whispers< famous blush (I didn't actually know this when we got together, he was a friend of a friend) and I think girls have previously thrown themselves at him and he's never had to work very hard. Maybe. I'm not really a thrower. I'm a demanding feminist grin

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 13:24:37

He is a worrier though. And I know he really wants our relationship to work.

NoNoNotFelpershamRaces Thu 23-May-13 13:36:20

LB didn't do things I asked, in non-verbal or verbal ways, at the start. Some of the reason, I hazard a guess, is because he was thinking of PIV and afraid of PE if doing things to me set him off before time. When we did manage PIV (erection arises and subsides, arises and subsides, with varying hardness) it triggered orgasm (for both of us) and resulted in immediate leg cramps for LB. So, not surprisingly, this may make him a little ambivalent! And at his place, he could be overheard blush

So that's kind of similar to the miranda point, with added leg cramp fear.

I also spoke to him gently and clearly, and before the heat of passion (!) about certain things I really wanted him to do, and he has now listened.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 13:44:38

Oh poor LB (does that stand for Lovely Beard BTW, as that what we call my friends DH grin ). It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship, able to talk about all these things.

I'm glad that's not a mad way to think he is thinking though, as he really is very unselfish and giving in all other ways - so it does seem strange for him to be selfish in bed, surely that would spill over to other areas?

So,gentle talking and see what happens next then. With a bit of a guiding hand and equipped with a road map. This is the plan.

NoNoNotFelpershamRaces Thu 23-May-13 13:57:14

I have followed Lillian's story since she was in her teens and got a pony for her birthday smile - am just slightly younger than her. There was speculation on the Radio Addicts board as to whether <ahem> passion was realistic at her age. Lovely Bloke and I will not be outdone by Paul and Lillian - I am determined grin and randy grin and 17 and we have all the time in the world...

larrygrylls Thu 23-May-13 13:59:32

Let's imagine the situation the other way around.

Would you touch a man below the neck if the expectation was that you then had to give him a mind blowing orgasm, even if it meant half an hour or more of hard work and that if you failed, he would be immensely sad and blame you for your "rubbish" sex life? No pressure, then!

There must have been a point in the sexual revolution where things were equal but, judging by threads in here, it seems to be entirely up to the man to create a great sex life without any equal obligation on the woman. And this is justified by "well, he came" as if a few jerks of a semi hard on by definition constitute great sex (by the way, this is NOT personal and certainly not re my wife although I have had inconsiderate lovers in my past).

A great sex life entails good communication and an equal interest in one's partner's pleasure (on both sides). The resentment at your lack of orgasm seems to have entirely overwhelmed any pleasure in the fact that your clearly nervous partner managed sex for the first time in quite a while. You have to ask yourself why. And, even from a selfish perspective, if you can get pleasure from your partner's pleasure, you are far more likely to obtain physically fulfilment. After the sex, why could you not have been happy for him and then asked him to bring you to orgasm with his mouth or hands and then enjoyed that? And if you turn great sex into a deal breaker, I can guarantee you will split up. No one can perform under that kind of pressure (well, maybe no-one over 25).

If you want to have great sex, you have to be prepared to ask nicely for what you want and to have some flexibility as to how your orgasm is achieved. The only fair thing to ask for in a sexual relationship is an unselfish attitude and an interest in your pleasure. And you have to bring the same attitude to the table.

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 14:03:59

Sorry Larry but what a crock! Surely even the most nervous of 'lovers' knows that a bit of 'touching' is required and that roll on/roll off is not an option. They've had good sex before and he's had plenty of experience from the sound of it.

larrygrylls Thu 23-May-13 14:08:29


It is an attitudinal thing. You clearly don't get it. You are not alone in MN in thinking that sexual pleasure for a man is automatic and a woman can be completely selfish.

"I rode him for a bit, got bored, so I hopped off"

Says it all to me. Did she care what her partner wanted? If a man said "was shagging her, didn't feel much, so pulled out" without any regard for how his partner was feeling, how close she was to her orgasm, or what she wanted at that moment, what would you say about that?

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 14:13:10

Thanks Larry for telling me what I think! What would MN do without enlightened guys like you telling us about equality.

expatinscotland Thu 23-May-13 14:18:01

What korma said.

larrygrylls Thu 23-May-13 14:18:39

If written words don't imply thoughts, then any written forum is pretty pointless. You wrote what you wrote and people can infer your thoughts from that. They may misinfer, in which case you have a chance to explain why, but you cannot clearly state one thing and then claim it implies nothing about the way you think.

And then decide to play what you perceive to be your trump card "oh, I am a victim of the menz so you, a little man, don't you dare speak to me". Well, sorry, but, even as a man, I will read your words and infer how you must think to get to them.

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 14:22:24

No I usually have and give good sex. If I'd been seeing a guy six months there's no way that two and a half of those would be sexless...and I've never been out with anyone who didn't touch me (and I touched back) 'below the belt'.

NoNoNotFelpershamRaces Thu 23-May-13 14:22:35

larry I have not given every detail blush. That may make it look one-sided to you.

AFAIK women don't have that pressure-making expectation. They like to be aroused, and some even like to be seduced. You seem to think we ping on like a light bulb.

NoNoNotFelpershamRaces Thu 23-May-13 14:23:20

*although sometimes of course, we do wink

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 14:23:39

Larry, you have misunderstood me, I have been flippant in descriptions on here as that is an easy way for me to talk about difficult things, and most people have understood.

I have been extremely patient, and kind, and non pressurising in every way. This is an anonymous now Ive namechanged forum where I am saying things I would never say to him, as I don't want to hurt his feelings or knock his confidence in anyway. I am both looking for serious advice while blowing off steam. I think maybe women do this and it is rather difficult for entitled men to understand.

And yes, I did bloody beaver away for more than half an hour to get him to orgasm on several occasions so there. And yes, on this occasion I did get bored and got off a non-responsive just-lying-there-eyes-closed man as I was bored. I'd expect the same in return, but I've never done that as I clearly find it a bit of a passion killer.

I am prepared to communicate and ask nicely for what I would like and I will do so. Thank you for your comments smile

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 14:26:44

Felpersham One of my proudest moments was getting 'Lillian' in the 'Which Archer are you?' quiz grin And my daughter says I laugh just like her fucksticks. this is mildly worrying as I am not quite 40 yet blush

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 14:27:11

I'm wondering where I implied that 'sexual pleasure for a man is automatic and that a woman can be completely selfish'. Bloody hell I wouldn't have right arm muscles like these if either of those statements of my belief were true!

expatinscotland Thu 23-May-13 14:29:09

You are six months in, the sex is shit, sex is important to you, why are you beavering away at all? Life is too short! 'Boyfriend, this relationship. Isn't working for me. It's far too much like work too early in.'

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 14:29:45

Batteries LovingFreedom? I bought a job lot wink

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 14:32:14

expat but it is only the sex. And it's not been entirely his fault (see what I said about the anti-d's and his confidence went to pot) In every other way he is a great partner, and ace fun to be with and is LOVELY to me. I do think I should give it more time having read other's responses. I really do not want to dump him. We would both be heartbroken. And my dog really likes him too.

expatinscotland Thu 23-May-13 14:33:54

If it were only sex, you would've have bothered posting here.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 14:38:52

I bothered posting here because I can't really talk about it in real life, and I want to sort it out but it's not a situation I have been in before. Now I can see others have managed similar situations and come out smiling I feel better, and have a better idea of what to do, how to think about it without being resentful and how to proceed to make things better.

It really is just the sex side of things, in every other way we are making each other very happy indeed.

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 14:40:03

PC&T - your dog will like anyone who is nice to it and I'm tempted to say 'so will you' - that's maybe over-stepping the mark but as I've just extracted myself from a relationship with the loveliest guy ever (who I subsequently found out threatens people with shovels and sends abusive emails to strangers) I feel that I kind of can. Raise the bar to at least insist on regular genital touching from your partners!

NoNoNotFelpershamRaces Thu 23-May-13 14:41:12

DCat adores LB!

What on earth do you mean, expat? At one point I considered posting about me and LB, but bottled it (many thanks to pusscat for giving me an opportunity to share). If I had started a thread, it would have been just about the sex.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 14:45:43

I am going to as very nicely and respectfully for some genital touching LovingFreedom. I promise smile. I do see your point, and I have worried about this as I have been single for a very long time after two very unpleasant relationships/men in a row. I've had lots of therapy and dated some very unsuitable men who I binned as soon as they red flagged once a bit before I met him. He really is nice, just a bit lost in this department I think, and I'm prepared to give it my best to make it good. However, this is on a time limit, and if I still feel like this and his actions haven't changed in a few months, I'm prepared for that too.

You are right about my dog though.

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 14:55:38

No man in his right mind would refuse you that if you ask nicely!...grin...good luck!

DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickAndTitch Thu 23-May-13 16:35:50

OP> MrD and I had years of ED problems, which have now been tentatively "fixed" for about a month or so. They started about a six months in, too. There's a great book by Tracey Cox called "Hot Sex" that we've found a rather useful way of having the "what do you think about trying THIS" conversations (rather than: "you're shit, and I want better"- phrasing), and it's a rather amusing read.

I don't - really - want to go into too much detail here about what's happened, but do feel free to PM if you'd like to chat.

Oh, btw, the first few times after ED were all a bit "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" too. It's nerves. Oh, and ask for Cialis in future, not Viagra. It lasts longer wink 36 hours, rather than 30 minutes ...

gettingeasiernow Thu 23-May-13 19:10:49

You can nip it in the bud NOW, it gets harder to put right the longer you tolerate it for. If it was just last night, just treat it a bit dismissively as if that was his "getting back in the swing of things" and make lots of encouraging noises about how he can relax knowing it'll be okay now and say you are looking forward to things being a bit more "interactive", mentioning "like it used to be" to give him confidence that it did work for you in the early days.

ControlGeek Thu 23-May-13 20:22:06

I just wanted to post because I have been where you are now (though after many, many more years of it being bad, before we addressed it) and DP and I are now out the other side successfully. I just want to say that you (he) can do this but patience and understanding goes a long way.

The last 'drought' DP had lasted 2.5 years. The little blue pills helped tremendously to get things back on track, but the first couple of times had to be all about him. He really needed to build up his self esteem again, and to know that he could do PIV to conclusion. This meant a lot of lip biting on my part (and I don't mean in the 50 shades sense!) but was well worth it. After that we were able to bring in things like foreplay etc but he says now that he just needed to get over the mental hurdle of not believing he could do it. Having to concentrate on anything else would have been too much of a distraction.

If your boyfriend used to be hands on, I would say that there is every chance he will be again, once he's got his confidence back.

DP and I still have one little blue pill left in the house, but that's purely there as a reminder of what we have overcome. He's now flying solo and although he'll never be a five-times-a-week guy, it's at least happening several times a month. I am sure you will get there too, with a little time and teamwork. Good luck!

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 21:25:40

I think all the advice on here is good for people in LT relationships. But while it's nice to be nice, I'm wondering why you would be just so patient and invest so much in a new relationship in which after only a couple of months there are such major issues with your sex life. I think he's asking a lot of you to stick with him through all this and yes...tbh I'd be expecting him to draw on other means if he was struggling to get/keep it up. Yes, maybe he is nervous, embarrassed etc...but I can't help thinking he's so consumed with himself that he doesn't actually care/notice whether you're enjoying yourself. And I'm not being sexist...if I couldn't have PIV sex, I'd give my partner oral sex and/or hand job etc no problem.

kittybiscuits Thu 23-May-13 21:37:39

I'm afraid I'm with korma and lovingfreedom OP. You are being extremely generous towards him - bending over backwards to excuse him. Crap and selfish sex should not benefit his ego. If he is nervous and unconfident he should be making sure your needs are met. I would be very cautious of sticking with it on this basis. In my experience, putting up with crap selfish, shagging ultimately leads to be accused of 'having issues with sex and always being angry for no reason'. It's a really bad sign sad and if you talk to him about it firmly and fairly, his response will give you a pretty good indication of whether or not this relationship is worth pursuing. If he says anything other than 'I'm really sorry, that was so selfish of me', then bin him.

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 21:45:02

...or I'd stop dating for a while until I got myself sorted. I think it's a bit of a given that with a new partner you're going to be wanting sex....first night nerves etc usually starts out pretty well and it's a shame to miss out on the stage where you can't keep your hands off each other. Your mention of his plus points do make me think you've got the bar set he does his share of housework (housework??) and pays for some of the food? It's not exactly setting my heart on fire so far.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 21:56:52

Noooooo! Don't be mean. Had to log back on on my phone to defend.

He's a nice guy. Really. One of the good ones. There's just this thing, which will get sorted. He was attentive and lovely, then biology went bad, and now he's all worried, and soon he won't be.

I mentioned housework and food buying to avoid the cocklodger accusations that would inevitably get thrown in on here.

But I'm going to keep you posted.

Currently he's playing skyrim and I'm playing on twitter. I don't know if downed a pill. I'm 4 glasses of prosecco down so I'm not sure I care..

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 22:00:07

Ok - just going on what you've put so's your know if it's worth working at or not...if you're a few glasses of prosecco down it could be a perfect time to tell him what you'd like him to do wink in a non-pressured and mutually enjoyable way of course!

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 22:02:43

lovingfreedom you are giving the advice that I know I would give. Its quite annoying wink

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 22:07:45

And you lovely ladies that have shared your experiences, thank you so much. I really appreciate you taking the time to post and I'm feeling positive. and I will nip in bud etc. Massive thank you's.

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 22:08:30

Sorry I'll shut up grin

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 22:15:29

I didn't mean that lovingfreedom. Quite the opposite. You're a bit like my conscience, and I like your posts. You may well be right and I'll take that. I'm being my own devils advocate right now, if you see what mean?

DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickAndTitch Thu 23-May-13 22:18:04

Relationships aren't all about sex, only you know if the relationship outside of the bedroom is worth it. We had problems six months in, that went on for five years - lots of people would have walked, but we got on amazingly well outside of that one thing, so the relationship was worth sticking with. But, and it's a big but, if he's not willing to work on it himself, then it'll never work.

DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickAndTitch Thu 23-May-13 22:18:33

(We're married now, btw)

singaporefling Thu 23-May-13 22:22:41

I've had similar problems with DP... Crazy/hot for each other initially but it was ALWAYS about him... Did/tried everything...dressing up/dressing down/different approaches...but it was STILL always about him, foreplay non - existent/ little or no reciprocity... Lost the will/gave up completely years ago as it was soul-destroying/made me feel used/unattractive/frustrated...and impacted every other area of home life creating tension and friction. However, we're still together, reasonably happy, usual ups and downs... Dont want to live without him but we simply dont have sex, consequently barely touch - because if we did, he'd want a quickie and im just not going there... Sorry, am not being helpful am i, but reading your op brought it all back...

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 22:29:32

DaveDee I think this is it. Everything is so GREAT, apart from this thing. And it is big for me, I really like sex, and find it to be the glue of a partnership, I was once married, in the dim and distant past, to someone I had nothing in common with but the sex was really bloody good, so I stayed in that too long. Now all the other stuff is right and... Well maybe I can just manage it?

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 22:30:48

if it stays all about him singapore I don't think it will last. I'm not really a saint sad

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 22:31:46

And I'm not bloody dressing up for anyone. Just saying.

kotinka Thu 23-May-13 23:34:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 23:37:05

I'd never rule anything out kotinka wink

kotinka Thu 23-May-13 23:52:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 23-May-13 23:54:29

Two men? Careful not to overidentify with Lillian, pusscat.

I too have had to spell out my needs in words to someone, twas v strange broaching the subject, but worth it. For most, though, they seemed to respond to body language hints, as it were, or do what I wanted on their own initiative. (Oh dear, sounds like I have shagged millions, sadly not true)

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 24-May-13 00:13:12

He just sounds incredibly nervous to me. Like if he starts something you'll be expecting some kind of amazing sex and he's worried he can't do that so he's holding off altogether.

i see that you've tried to take the pressure off by not expecting anything but that might be too far the other way. Maybe you could try giving him permission/reassurance that "not full sex" is enough, work up from touching boobs to below the waist to going further etc but not in one session, making it clear that just that us fine and you're not expecting things to go further. Takes the pressure off but also allows things to build up again.

ladyjadie Fri 24-May-13 09:44:16

Have you tried again Pusscat?

That sounds bad, I'll rephrase, Have you had sex again since your OP?

Give him another chance, you say it was all good at first, and then if he is selfish again say something.

It's horrible not being able to come (my old AD's did this to me, horrible little fuckers) and it must be awful to a man's precious ego to not be able to get it up. the AD's should be fully out of his system soon (some can take up to six months to fully bugger off) so don't despair just yet.

On a nosy nosy note, sort of famous like how? Give us a vague field pleeease (sport/music/cult leader?) grin

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Fri 24-May-13 11:44:43

Not tried again. He was tired last night. Not seeing him til Sunday now, as we both have functions this weekend. We'll chat on the phone tomorrow though, so I shall possibly ask if I'm on a Sunday promise. Gently.

As for his famousness, no way! You nest of vipers lovely ladies will try and guess and can you imagine shock

Oldraver Fri 24-May-13 11:57:10

No you are not being hasty and should be more than PIV and no orgasm or any effort toward one. If he hasn't been able to have an erection for months this should not if discluded other stuff.

Yes you need to bring it up with him

ladyjadie Fri 24-May-13 15:01:36

is he a voice from a well known radio show grin

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Fri 24-May-13 16:27:04

Hahahahaha! no stop it grin

NotDead Sat 25-May-13 12:03:29

Sorry to hear this.. I'm a bloke who is v. sexual but who also occasionally has no/easily reduced erections. I dont really mind as for me all the rest is even more arousing than the penetration bit.. for me this is partly because penetration can feel like an endurance exercise. .even more so if this has been so obviously missing for a while.. similar to a new rel. getting it up is so sought after that this simple goal gets in the way of actually being turned on.

it definitely sounds to me like the v-shag was more of an experiment for him and it also sounds like his cock was up.. but he wasn't really, fully turned on. A tip from me would be to make a big deal of his cock and show you are really enjoying it.. if you had taken the lead..graphically slid it in and out of you and made him watch..and if you were noisy.. then I expect he would have been less automaton..

but you MUST do something.. either get comfortable with talking dirty so you can tell him what you it by text when he is elsewhere..its awesome. . or just say I'm not getting anything today could its not ok to have bad sex.. but it doesn't help if you don't tell him!

NotDead Sat 25-May-13 13:01:29

btw dont ask him if you are on a promise! that will freak him out just say thinking about the other night and touching myself..I want you between my legs licking me whilst I suck you.. or something. . get foreplaying by text and tell him how hot it makes you.. cant hurt can it??

noplacelikehome Sat 25-May-13 17:56:53

I sympathise hugely, OP.
I have been in this situation with my DP for 3 years now and I am getting to the end of my rope with it.
He hates himself for it and it doesn't make me feel very good about myself either.
He has to be almost begged to touch me below the waist. He won't initiate as he has tried and failed so many times he now doesn't want to start something he can't finish.
He went to the doctor and was given viagra but this gave him horrendous headaches. Next was cialis, which had lesser side effects and made everything work fine but as they are on private prescription they are horrifically expensive long term.
Weeks go by with nothing, then we'll have another go.
He can feel it getting hard but then it just goes away.
There is obviously nothing wrong physically or it would never work but, like you, I just want some normal good sex.
He has just lost all confidence now.
Why is this happening? I don't know.
Like yours, he is such a lovely man and I would be so reluctant to call time on the relationship because of this, but we are missing out on so much.

Darkesteyes Sat 25-May-13 18:10:25

I agree with OldRaver. OP in those two months where he was struggling he could have been giving you oral or manual stimulation.
I sometimes wonder if people are still harbouring deeply ingrained old fashioned attitudes to sex like PIV is the only valued type of sex.
And noplace he CAN finish it. He can make you orgasm with his mouth or fingers surely.
Ive seen on loads of threads where the tables are turned that women are happy to give BJs when they dont feel like, or cant have PIV sex yet when its the other way around it doesnt seem to get reciprocated.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Mon 27-May-13 09:28:24

Nope. Nothing. I could scream.

Can anyone please give me the words. Like a script? I don't want him to feel bad, but I'm losing the will here.

DoingItForMyself Mon 27-May-13 09:51:28

Perhaps if he put some effort into turning you on, it would help him too. My BF loves watching me while he gives me pleasure, we rarely have PIV sex as tbh its not the most satisfying way for either of us. Perhaps that's the conversation you should be having? Something along the lines of "it doesn't have to be 'actual' sex, why don't we just be really nice to each other and see what happens, it could be some fun, it could be fireworks, but either way we're getting close to each other and having a nice time."

Kittensandkids Mon 27-May-13 09:58:08

I dated a guy like this in 2011, he managed ok but the words he used were:

I'm not very good, if you can just show me what to do or do what you want. blush We ended up being friends, I used to go to his to stay over at his but told him it was friends only and he never tried to/had sex again.

He had 2 Dc though. confused

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 27-May-13 10:24:21

DoingIt's words are good. No pressure for it to be amazing, but encouragement to experiment with other things.

PusscatandTiger4Eva Sun 02-Nov-14 19:23:21

Ooh, I just found this thread.

Update: I binned him 2 weeks later. Turned out he was a massive arse!

You were right grin

Frogisatwat Sun 02-Nov-14 19:50:20

Glad it was you who posted.. just felt grrr at a zombie threadgrin so what happened??

PusscatandTiger4Eva Sun 02-Nov-14 20:02:20

It was ages ago!

It was mostly the sex, but then he accidentally met my kids (introduced as 'a friend') and I saw him in a different light. A buntingsworth of red flaggery.

Also, I thought he was going to propose on my birthday. TERRIFYING blush

shopaccordingly Sun 02-Nov-14 20:14:20

More to the point, WHO WAS HE? grin

JohnFarleysRuskin Sun 02-Nov-14 20:19:18

Initials please! - you did say he was semi-famous ;)

carlsonrichards Sun 02-Nov-14 20:24:44

Good. Bad sex is a dealbreaker. You are not a sex counsellor or therapist whose job it is to build up someone's sex confidence or bolster their ego.

PusscatandTiger4Eva Sun 02-Nov-14 21:42:52

Will never tell grin

Thank you puss for update???I do wish so many others would do the same.
I WORRY so about people, especially when they vanish

DollStar Sun 02-Nov-14 22:14:21

My last squeeze was a jump on and roll off kind of guy - all 3 times :-( Thought I would give him a chance to get better but he became cooler towards me (see recent thread) and I'm actually glad now that I don't have to teach a guy to kiss properly (wtf) or give me pleasure grin

BelleOfTheBorstal Sun 02-Nov-14 22:35:37

Being utterly nosy here but what was bad when he met your kids?

PusscatandTiger4Eva Mon 03-Nov-14 07:27:35

No way, there should be no need to teach grown men anything. I'm never going down that road again!

It's really odd to recall all this, but the whole going from quite lovely exciting sex to none at all, and wondering why? Then he just kept turning up uninvited, expecting to be fed, hence meeting the DC.

He was rude, bossy and I couldn't believe it was the same person. My kids are sweet as anything btw, not difficult at all. He was horrid. Took me a while to get rid though! He really thought he had his feet under the table blush

BelleOfTheBorstal Mon 03-Nov-14 08:43:49

He sounds awful. Well done on getting rid!

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