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I dont think my husband loves me anymore

(59 Posts)
skat73 Thu 23-May-13 10:56:55

Bit of a long post so please bear with me. I could really do with some advice. Things havent been great between my DH and myself for a while ,generally grumpy and not very nice to each other. I just thought we were going through a rough patch I had a baby in February and we also have another DD who is 5. I had a rubbish pregnancy and was signed off on mat leave early , I was quite poorly after too. I know this made me grumpy and I probably snapped at him a lot. Financially things are tough plus at work at the moment he is not doing very well, all about meeting targets and things not going to plan at the moment, I feel when work is not going well he takes it out on me. He also seems to not be connecting with new baby which makes me so sad and is only interested in out 5 year old. On sunday he broke down and said he didnt think we could make it work and that even though he loves me he is not sure whether things can go on and he cant see any solutions. We have agreed for my parents to have the DC at the weekend so we can talk but I feel like he has already made his mind up and is going through the motions.

I feel sick constantly and I am worried about the children, I feel sad for our baby who has been brought in to this unhappiness. I still love my husband and the thought of being a single mum scares the S**t out of me. I dont know how to solve things and feel like Im free falling. Has anyone been through this and can offer any advice?

FlatsInDagenham Thu 23-May-13 18:35:34

What does he percieve to be the problems to which he can't see solutions?

Cailinsalach Thu 23-May-13 18:40:54

He and you may be suffering from stress or depression. Take your time to talk over your issues. Listen to exactly what the other is saying and then decide the best course of action. Counselling may help. Having a small baby is so hard and can put such an enormous amount of pressure on you both. I wish you luck.

Mumsyblouse Thu 23-May-13 18:54:36

I don't hear that he doesn't want to be with you, but more that he is overwhelmed by his life at the moment, 'that 'can't go on' statement, work, baby, everything because he knows the pressure is on to provide and he's clearly stressed/failing at work. He will also be sleep deprived (like you) even a FF baby wakes in the night and three months in you do feel awful.

Men often say 'I can't go on' when women say 'I can't cope'- it means he's stressed and depressed and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I would not make any major decisions about your future after three months with a newborn, really, unless there were very big problems beforehand. But talking about it is the way forward, so glad you are getting some time together.

I hope you find a way through this.

skat73 Fri 24-May-13 12:01:37

Thank you so much for your messages of support. I am really hoping that we can talk through it tomorrow and can get through this. I think he is depressed and I really hope I can help him through it and get through the other side.

MadBusLady Fri 24-May-13 12:13:34

Well, you certainly can't solve any problems until he's told you what problems he's got. So I really hope the conversation tomorrow is productive. It would be better if you could have it tonight really, if the DC can go to your Ps earlier? It's horrible to have this kind of thing hanging over you.

MadBusLady Fri 24-May-13 12:19:31

On depression, by the way, don't suggest that to him - let him come out with it himself. If he really does have it and that really is the problem, there are lots of questionnaires on the internet which will make that clear. If he doesn't, and is actually just being an arse in some sense, the depression label gives him easy cover. Sorry, but true.

tessa6 Fri 24-May-13 12:20:54

Without wishing to be a bringer of bad news, often a hidden affair only comes to light when a partner breaks down but only admits to struggling in life in general, not to the deception and the disconnection having feelings for someone else creates.

Is there any way you could see whether this might be the case? It would be a shame if you wasted months and months discussing stress and depression if there was something else behind it.

Charbon Fri 24-May-13 12:23:08

Hmmm...

This might be about feeling overwhelmed with the pressures of work and a new baby, but I also think there's a possibility he has met someone else and that this accounts for why you haven't been getting on for such a long time and his sudden 'I can't go on' declaration.

Unfortunately, a peak time for affairs is during pregnancy, so please don't rule this out. You might want to think about finding this out for yourself one way or another before having the Big Chat because very often in these situations, an outright denial is issued.

One of the clues to look for when you have this chat is what efforts he offers to make to repair your relationship. If there is an expectation from him that all or most of the changes must come from you, this is what's known as the 'setting you up to fail' conversation, if an affair is involved. It means that no matter how many hoops you jump through, the marriage is not going to get better because he has no investment in it any longer - because he is investing elsewhere.

Tread carefully - and be curious about what's really going on here.

Charbon Fri 24-May-13 12:24:06

We must have been writing our posts at the same time there Tessa!

MadBusLady Fri 24-May-13 12:34:30

Well, I started writing a similar one, but thought "No, hopefully not." sad

I think the main thing is to approach the conversation in an open-minded way. One way or another, there is more information to come from him.

Charbon Fri 24-May-13 12:39:35

My perspective on this is to be open-minded too, but that means being open to the possibility that the OP doesn't have the full facts at her disposal and that her partner might not willingly give them either. So yes, more information is needed, but not only from him.

Lizzabadger Fri 24-May-13 12:43:50

Another one who is thinking possible affair. I really hope not and that you can sort things out.

skat73 Fri 24-May-13 17:08:35

I have considered an affair but he only goes to work, otherwise he is pretty much with family. I'm wondering if he may have met someone but perhaps nothing has happened yet...

Charbon Fri 24-May-13 19:33:19

I think if he has met someone else, then unfortunately something probably has happened already, for him to be talking like this.

Is it possible that he's connected with someone at work itself, or online? Regrettably, lots of affair meet-ups happen during what is supposed to be the working day. People see eachother in their lunch-breaks, they synchronise days off, meet after work for short periods etc. Partners are often none the wiser because they associate affairs with nights out or away.

Have you noticed any odd phone behaviour or him staying up late/going to bed early? Or any increase in errands that just have to be run that take him out of the house?

skat73 Sat 25-May-13 17:13:12

I think you are right girls feel sick and don't know what to do now

MadBusLady Sat 25-May-13 17:20:43

sad sorry to hear that, on phone now and be back later, just offering virtual handhold for now. You and DCs are what matter, he is a faithless twat!

poppycat04 Sat 25-May-13 17:27:34

Why do you think you're right Skat?

poppycat04 Sat 25-May-13 17:28:13

sad

giggly Sat 25-May-13 17:37:51

You do know that men can have PND, google the Edinburgh PND scale and see if he fits the bill. Fingers crossed for you.

skat73 Sat 25-May-13 17:43:27

Snooping not one of my best traits but found something incriminating wish I hadn't looked to be honest.. he is out on a bike ride now and I have no idea how to be when he gets back

skat73 Sat 25-May-13 17:45:47

We talked all morning and I thought he wanted to work it out

lunar1 Sat 25-May-13 17:53:34

I hope you are wrong op. it there room for interpretation on what you have found?

poppycat04 Sat 25-May-13 17:55:34

How incriminating? Any chance there's an innocent explanation? Can you ask him about it without him realising you were looking? Its a horrible situation for you to be in.

skyeskyeskye Sat 25-May-13 18:08:13

What have you found? Enough to be concerned obviously sad

My XH announced he didn't love me and walked out. We talked for hours and he came back but unknown to me he was texting OW all the time. He went again after six weeks.

Guilt can make them stay when they don't really want to. I discovered flirty Facebook chat which led me to checking his mobile bills and emails.

See what else you can find out, stay strong but don't let him take the piss out of you. If there is someone else then he is checking out of your marriage and will start to blame you for everything.

skat73 Sat 25-May-13 18:10:03

I'm not going to confront him I will be in the wrong for snooping but don't know how to broach it. in a bit of a daze to be honest

ChippingInLovesSpring Sat 25-May-13 18:13:54

Sorry to hear you are going through this, especially with a newborn baby.

Don't feel bad for 'snooping' if he hadn't had anything to hide it wouldn't have been an issue.

What did you find?

How long before he gets home?

YoniMatopoeia Sat 25-May-13 18:15:30

So sorry sad

What did you find?

We are here for you.

NatashaBee Sat 25-May-13 18:18:14

What did you find?

skyeskyeskye Sat 25-May-13 18:25:19

Snooping is nothing compared to cheating. Tell us what you have found and we can help you how to broach it...

skat73 Sat 25-May-13 18:25:59

It sounds odd but receipt for a tent which is hidden in his car. We don't camp now but. Did when we first met oh also he suddenly has to go away for work Thursday and friday. Sounds silly but its odd behaviour

ChippingInLovesSpring Sat 25-May-13 18:37:07

sad

What did he say when you talked this morning?

Is there a remote chance he bought the tent to garden camp with DD in the summer? Or to surprise you? <grasps as straws>

NatashaBee Sat 25-May-13 18:37:58

Well he shouldn't be keeping things from you, but a tent sounds more like a secret lads weekend away rather than another woman. Who did he used to go camping with?

skat73 Sat 25-May-13 18:39:22

No don't think so really he said he was going to try. He is back now so prob won't be on here for a bit

lollydollydrop Sat 25-May-13 18:39:55

Hi skat, really hoping for you that there is an innocent explanation. Maybe he wanted to surprise you with camping to remind you both of start of relationship, or is there a birthday coming up soon?

lollydollydrop Sat 25-May-13 18:40:36

Good luck, stay strong xx

ChippingInLovesSpring Sat 25-May-13 18:42:29

Be strong.

BalloonSlayer Sat 25-May-13 19:01:50

sad

Can't imagine some OW being impressed by going camping though. I know this is no laughing matter but I am just imagining what my reaction would be if I was expecting to go away for an illicit couple of days and he produced a fecking tent, and it ain't "oh darling, how romantic!" I can assure you.

Hope you get some explanation.

cantbloodywellchoose Sat 25-May-13 19:10:07

Have you had any counselling? Something like Relate can make a huge difference in helping you reconnect and realise that you do love each other and how to move forwards. Kids (esp new baby) plus tough times at work would place a strain on even the most perfect relationship.

badinage Sat 25-May-13 20:45:09

Are all the posters on here actually reading the thread? confused

The sudden two nights away is more suss than the receipt, but I expect the OP knows her husband's a creature of habit and that camping in a tent was what they did when they needed some privacy and 'time together' in their early days.

These threads are always so sad. The Op always starts off saying her partner's got no time for an affair, then later on mentions 'bike rides' and '2 unexpected nights away with work' and it shows that in fact there are so many opportunities for her partner to be meeting up with someone else.

I would think his phone would hold more clues than a car boot though.

lollydollydrop Sat 25-May-13 21:01:34

Perhaps I am young and naive, but I really hope you are wrong badinage sad I thought it was a nice day to go for a bike ride.

From what OP has told us I don't understand why she would jump to the conclusion that her DH didnt love her anymore, I agree with those who suggested his words were reflective of not being able to cope with the current situation. Maybe the title hints at OP's insecurity due to having a new baby and all the change that goes with that, or maybe she deep down feels something is seriously wrong.

I'm wondering how much the tent cost- my OH spent £830 (!!!!!!!!!!) on a tent and if it was stupid money, or if OP is tight for money then that could explain the hiding the receipt. I wouldnt give him the idea of any of these explanations/excuses though, just see what he comes out with.

I'm quite new to this forum, and know that there are a lot of very supportive lovely knowledgable ladies on here whose advice I respect and I feel this place is much nicer than other forums on MN- esp AIBU whereby sometimes I read comments which to my mind are just bullying. Eventually I will post here about my rship perhaps. The ladies who take time to advise a lot, do seem to have a lot of experience/exposure to problems in relationships but theres one thing I wonder... is there a tendency to assume that the OH is having an affair/its EU/financial abuse/LTB and so on? I know there are often red flags which hint at this, but just for the fact that people post on this particular forum, or have experienced abuse themselves, does this make us more inclined to believe its something very bad occurring...??

Just musing really whether I am too young/naive/optimistic and actually its far more common than I would like it is sad (So sorry for hijack OP I hope you are ok)

badinage Sun 26-May-13 01:00:25

From what OP has told us I don't understand why she would jump to the conclusion that her DH didnt love her anymore

Well I'd have thought him telling her he wants out of the relationship was a bit of clue, wouldn't you? confused

You sound kind lollydollydrop, but if you stay long enough around these parts, you'll start noticing a very familiar pattern to threads like the poor OP's. It starts with an OP about a husband who's been grumpy and irritable for months, who's been working long hours and is claiming stress because of it and is behaving as though he's gone off his wife. Usually at some point he'll either say "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "I love you but this isn't working and has to end" and by the end of the thread the OP has found enough evidence of an affair to sink a battleship and it turns out that the affair started just before he started getting grumpy, he hasn't been working long hours at all and his feelings for his wife went out the window as soon as the OW walked into his office.

It's really good that so many posters spot these warning signs, because it stops a woman bending over backwards to appease an unfaithful man and trying to make him come back to the marriage when his attentions are elsewhere and he's lying to her.

I suppose on rare occasions, it's possible that there's no OW involved, but I've never seen these set of circumstances and there hasn't been an affair behind it, either in RL or on Mumsnet.

Nothing would please me more one of these days to find a thread like this with a different ending, but even if there's no conclusive evidence either way on this one, the cynic in me says the OP just hasn't found it yet, or doesn't want to. sad

lollydollydrop Sun 26-May-13 02:04:50

Hi badinage,

From the content of the actual OP though it didnt sound like he didn't love her (to me) just that he felt desperate about something, and wanted that to change:

On sunday he broke down and said he didnt think we could make it work and that even though he loves me he is not sure whether things can go on and he cant see any solutions

I definately agree that its good others come here to post for help, and that others can spot signs and advise, help ease the hurt and not waste unnecessary time on low-life cheating bastards. I just feel sad for OP.

I'm either shocked or sad (or both) that posts like this all go the same way, I would like that there were different endings too. How awful sad I was very curious whether anyone here has either advised someone to LTB, or thought they should leave at the beginning of a thread, and then later down the line reassessed that judgement and actually he's not a bastard after all? Or did you all go to 'Spot the Bastard' school? grin

badinage Sun 26-May-13 02:25:44

Well I'm currently waiting up for my lovely not-a-bastard of zillions of years to come in from work, so I certainly haven't been to a spot-one school grin

I've never personally advised anyone to LTB and felt that was bad advice. But unlike a lot of very sage posters on here who've been through the mill with awful blokes and can speak from personal experience of them, my perspective is really different. It's because I know what a good bloke is like (and hopefully a really good relationship) that I can spot a badun' a mile off.

And FWIW, having helped a few mates in recent years who've been through affairs (both having them and being cheated on) I'm not one of those posters who thinks that an affair has to be the end, as long as it all comes out into the open, the OW/OM gets dumped and the one who's done the cheating sorts him or herself out. So while I'd support someone who knew she couldn't forgive, I'd also say 'take your time' and not judge someone who wanted to hang on to her relationship as long as her partner walked the talk and made proper amends.

Take this thread. If it's an affair, I bet it's not that this bloke has really stopped loving his wife. But having this affair has probably made him think he has and that the grass is greener elsewhere. But it's probably just lust blinding him to what will really make him happy long term. To me, that's easier to deal with than a bloke who's really fallen out of love and wants out, to be on his own. But I accept that's just theory and I might feel differently if it happened to me.

suburbophobe Sun 26-May-13 03:02:58

Why would someone buy a tent with a baby of 3 months and the longest coldest never-ending winter on record..?

You wouldn't catch me camping with a toddler and a baby. Even in a balmy summer....

Hope it works out for you OP.

Oh, and if worse comes to worse, I know single motherhood sounds utterly daunting, but I've done it for 21 years and it really is preferable to living in a bad relationship....

I do think you should check out that male PND info mentioned upthread.

A toddler and a new baby are hard to deal with, because it's relentless.

YoniMatopoeia Sun 26-May-13 06:29:24

How are you doing today skat?

NeverMindOhWell Sun 26-May-13 07:36:57

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you're going through skat. I experienced almost the exact turn of events you have described. Husband distant, moody, out of the blue turns round and says he doesn't know whether he wants to be with me any more. That was the giveaway for me, I know what he's like and there's no way he would ever be able to make a firm decision because he knew he would look like a right bastard if he left me and our small child.

Anyway I too snooped, found emails to suggest an affair with a colleague (and he was only ever at work or with us too, but it's amazing what can be achieved during a lunch hour or "rush hour traffic"!).

I am by no means a strong person, but I confronted him with undeniable evidence and told him to come home and ps k his bags. OW didn't want him, she was younger and not ready to be a stepmum or get involved (oh the irony!) plus they would've both lost their jobs as they work with vulnerable people.

Anyway, as risky a strategy as it is, I do think a short, sharp shock is what is needed here (if indeed he is having an affair). Make him experience how life would be without his family, having 2 kids to stay over in what would likely be a small bedsit or house share. Doing his own washing etc, having no-one to come home to if an evening.

If he is allowed to hang about and casually make a decision it puts him in control of your destiny, plus he gets the best if both worlds. He needs a wake-up call, yes life is shit sonetimes, having small children is hard, but look at the bigger picture. I remember wanted to shake my husband, trying to make him see that this wasn't what he wanted. Who would he spend Christmas with, go on holidays with, what about in 20, 30, 40 years' time?

And if he doesn't want to be with you after all, you have not wasted weeks/months in limbo, walking in eggshells in your own home, worrying that any small thing you do may tip the balance.

Do this and I am certain he will come to his senses, if that's what you want. As it happens, when my husband moved out for a bit I made a real effort to do stuff for me. It actually ended up being rather a nice break! I would have complete peace on a weekend (when he had kids), freedom to choose whatever I wanted for dinner, not having to do as much washing/ironing as before.

If you can get some RL support I would really encourage you. So that you know if he DID leave, yes it would hurt but you would still have people who love you, you ARE loveable, you would still have a life. My family were a godsend, babysitting so I could go to the gym or out for dinner with a friend. I know this is not always possible when you have a small baby, but even if you could get an hour to go out for a walk or a coffee it might clear your head.

Anyway I am getting ahead if myself, this is all ASSUMING he has been unfaithful and then that you want it to work. This happened to me 18 months ago and we had counselling jointly and separately, I can't say we are happier than ever because sadly, in my opinion, he broke what we had and even if it was a cry for help, he should've just cried for help instead! But it will take more time I think, I know I need to be more forgiving (for my own benefit, as much as for his) and we both need to work on some of our behaviours. Although what he did was wrong, I do need to look at how I behaved to make the marriage unhappy too.

Sorry for the long post, I hope it has offered you some comfort though x

MadBusLady Sun 26-May-13 08:54:19

Hope you're ok today skat.

I wouldn't see the tent as conclusive of anything on its own, but the thing is we're not you. We don't have access to all the subtle cues and body language and relationship history you've got. If you know something is weird about that, and about the sudden taking days off, then trust your instincts and don't be fobbed off.

skat73 Sun 26-May-13 10:50:17

I asked about the tent he said it was for him, somewhere to stay if he leaves. I believe him. Sad that he has secr
etly been planning his escape.

Thank you for all your posts they have helped a lot.

QwertyQueen Sun 26-May-13 12:01:49

I think it is horrid that everyone jumps to the affair conclusion. As if OP doesn't have enough to worry about.
I would guess he loves camping and the long weekend may even be him going to camp by himself in order to think things through and decide what he wants.
Many men like/ need to seek isolation when they are stressed and feeling clouded.
This could still have a happy ending....
Counseling probably the best option if he will agree to it
Take care

MadBusLady Sun 26-May-13 12:09:00

So the plan is now that he's going to try to save the marriage, or that he's already emotionally checked out and is going to leave you and live in a tent?

Watch out for things just drifting on while he "makes up his mind" whether to go or not, it's not fair on you. Hope you get some clarity soon.

skat73 Mon 27-May-13 08:21:09

I think there is a real possibility that he has emotionally checked out already however I feel I have to give him the benefit of the doubt otherwise there is no point. I think in the meantime I'm going to start thinking about me reconnect with some old friends and just put some things in place just in case. Just try to stay strong for the girls really.

skat73 Mon 27-May-13 08:23:38

He has also agreed to see doctor regarding this black cloud he says is over him all the time , so even though I'm not fully convinced he is committed I guess that's a start

toffeelolly Mon 27-May-13 08:48:28

Hope everything work's out well for you skat.

Mumblepot26 Mon 27-May-13 09:22:37

So sorry that you are going through this, like someone else said dont make any decisions yet. It sounds like you both still love each other, but are overwhelmed by life.

There is hope...this time last year my husband and I were in a very bad place, I had just had a baby, he was diagnosed with ME, we were financially very insecure, his business was failing. We were both diagnosed with severe anxiety and put on anti depressants. It took everything we had just to get through the day, feed clean our children and ourselves. We were very distant and unable to support each other. I know neither of us felt very loving toward each other and blamed each other for all that went wrong.

Today a year on, We are more in love, and stronger than ever (Been together 12 yrs). He has a steady income, I am back working part time. We are off the anti depressants.both mentally and physically healthy. We even have the energy to undertake major renovations on our home.

Splitting up is rarely the answer. Just try to hang on in there.... And things will shift....sooner than you think. Take small moments just to ' be' together. A hug, a hand hold.....

badinage Mon 27-May-13 11:59:04

Have you talked to him about whether he's seeing anyone else else Skat? Or checked his phone?

Ilikethebreeze Mon 27-May-13 12:10:32

Hi op.
It sounds very much like he has depression to me.
Have you suggested he seee the GP.
Looking at things from his point of view,
things are tough financially
he has a new baby
and work is not a nice place for him to be right now.

Sounds to me like what is going on at work has tipped him into depression.

tbh, I didnt like the buying a tent bit. That does not sound very rational as a place to live if things get more difficult for him.

I think you should try and see if you can persuade him to see his GP as a matter of urgency.

skyeskyeskye Mon 27-May-13 14:42:55

skat - I really hope that it isn't an affair. I rarely shout LTB, but I do advise people to keep their eyes open and keep an open mind.

I desperately hoped that my XH was having a breakdown, or mid life crisis, because who in their right mind, just announces one Friday evening, out of nowhere, that they aren't happy and don't want to be there any more. I had no idea that he was even unhappy and he was planning to leave.

I refused to see that OW was OW. I defended their friendship on here, but MN finally made me see sense and see it for what it was.

I know that you haven't found anything like that and I hope that you don't.

If he is depressed, then he needs to go to the doctor. If he has seriously bought a tent to live in then he is not thinking rationally.

lollydollydrop Sun 02-Jun-13 15:56:20

Hi skat, how are things with you? Has your DP been to the doctor yet?Xx

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