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Plain lonely

(43 Posts)
onemoredayplease Wed 22-May-13 22:52:18

That's it really. Am lonely. We don't sleep together, can't remember the last time we had sex, very little affection usually only when I initiate. Don't really do anything together, don't even usually eat a meal together. Am lonely, tired and sad. I have a 10 year old living with us. I work full time in an emotionally demanding job could just do with some support which is freely given. hmm

Cherriesarelovely Wed 22-May-13 23:00:54

Oh dear, that sounds grim. When you say you "have a 10 year old living with you" do you mean you have a child between you? Sorry, genuine question.

triathlonmum Wed 22-May-13 23:15:29

I'm in a similar situation. Every time I try to discuss it and say how lonely I am he says I can't 'nag' him into showing affection. Really depressing situation but we have 2 DC's (9 and 7) and it would break their hearts if we split up. How on earth do you get out of the situation? My other half won't entertain the idea of counselling. He says I am 'stressed all the time' (well he doesn't help me out at all and I run house, look after DC's and work so not surprising). Sorry no answers but would also love to hear some views.

dontyouwantmebaby Wed 22-May-13 23:15:36

Are you just lonely within your relationship or does it run deeper? Did you used to do things together and they've tailed off somehow?

Could you discuss it together? Sorry for all the questions back at you!

maypoledancer Wed 22-May-13 23:38:10

Sad title to a thread. But I could write that myself sometimes.

I'm out the other side, separated about a year ago. We actually agreed to separate before we physically did (took a while to sell the house). What was very telling was that having agreed to separate materially our relationship stayed the same, albeit more tension and resentment from dh who didn't want to part. But really not much changed.

OP and triathlon your marriages sound like mine was. I'm not flying the flag for separation, it's been horrible, really horrible. But a year on I am happier. My own boss. The guilt is diminishing. I had two dc a little older than yours. They adapt - they have to. I'm glad we are no longer modelling a bad relationship.

The worst bit is where you are: stuck in an impasse, a deeply unfulfilling relationship that you cannot bear to leave. You can only leave when you are ready.

I'm not saying this is necessarily inevitable for you, but if someone won't meet you halfway then things can't change. If this is the case eventually you will decide that you have to make the most of the years you have left and get out.

It's an old cliche but being lonely in relationship is worse than being lonely alone.

I wonder how old you are... I'm around 40. I missed a Uni reunion recently, partly because I couldn't face telling people I'd separated. The last one was seven years ago and only one person was divorced and it was shock

I got reports from a friend about the recent one. I asked if anyone was separated/divorced and he said about a third of people.

Heard over the last couple of days from two male friends who have just left their wives, not for other women. Both... around 40. Marriages toppling like dominoes.

Once you get to mid-30s/early 40s you have made a life for yourself. You either like it and want it to stay the same or you don't and you have to make changes.

Dealing with separation is a whole other thread. But I don't think the marriages here can endure unless the other party is prepared to change. Even then it may be too little, too late.

I'm sorry for anyone enduring this pain, but eventually you will have to bite the bullet rather than condemn yourself to more years of misery.

I only wish I had got out sooner. I am lonely, very lonely, sometimes.

But no longer all the time smile

Darkesteyes Thu 23-May-13 00:07:06

Just signing in to say i know how you ladies all feel No sex or affection from H for 17 years (although for the last 7 he has been partially disabled) I did have an affair for 4 and a half years which ended over 5 years ago.

Darkesteyes Thu 23-May-13 00:13:30
Elocampane Thu 23-May-13 00:16:05

I too feel like this, but he doesn't feel he can give me the love or affection he once used to.

I miss him

Darkesteyes Thu 23-May-13 00:25:30

And yet the media and patriarchy would have us belive that its only women who go off sex/affection.

onemoredayplease Thu 23-May-13 07:03:18

Thanks all. This has been going on a while. He has never been one for an active social life and I can cope with that its just the seperation at home that I struggle with. He even just does his own washing! I know I'm deeply unhappy. Weight has gone on ( which may be why we don't have sex ??). 10 year old is my daughter and they don't get on which isn't helping.

onemoredayplease Thu 23-May-13 07:07:34

The weird thing is he talks about the fact that " I've got him for life" and he's not going anywhere. Yet he is aware that I'm really fed up. I've even used the word lonely. He is not one for talking and previous attempts have resulted in the silent treatment. He is a good man though. Fab dad to his kids, a grafter and not someone who would ever play around.

onemoredayplease Thu 23-May-13 07:09:30

What do you do? I've been divorced twice already - both had affairs. The thought of doing it all again....... I'm 48


He is neither a good dad nor a decent H to you if he is treating you like this. Women often write such guff and it truly is when they themselves have nothing positive to write about their man. You have indeed written nothing yourself positive about him (him being a grafter does not cut it either as most people do have to work for a living).

What do you get out of this relationship now exactly?.

He's quite happy as he is hence all this you've got him for life nonsense He neither cares about you or your DD. It is nonsense that he is filling your head with.

His silent treatment of you also is tantamount to emotional abuse. You'd be better off apart honestly.

Is this really too the relationship model you want to project to your child?. Not at all surprised to see that she does not like him, I have not met the man and he sounds deeply unappealing. I'd be putting her as well as you first now otherwise she could well go onto repeat the same patterns that you have.

Not your fault either that you went onto choose badly but to stay within this now would be a huge error of judgment on your part. Just because this bloke to your mind would not play around (he is too damn lazy and entitled in any case) does not mean that you should feel somehow obligated to stay with him.

onemoredayplease Thu 23-May-13 08:16:45

Obligated to stay- that does feel part of it. It was me who suggested we buy together and I guess I feel that if I now say this isn't for me I will feel in some way responsible that he has to start again. As I write this I know how ridiculous this sounds.

I don't have to be here. Financially I'm independent. I do enjoy my own space, I have friends but I am self reliant and I have a fab employer who are hugely supportive of me.

I think my issue is that I wonder if I'm being unreasonable and maybe looking for something that doesn't exist. I want someone who loves me and daughter, who will support me and be proud of my achievements. My in laws are more proud of me at present wink

5 words exchanged this morning before he left.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 23-May-13 08:20:37

YANBU to want to have a happy relationship with someone you actually get along with. The nicest guy in the world can be completely the wrong guy and the 'you've got me for life' attitude suggests he thinks you have no other options. Which of course you do.

I don't know how old you are but life rushes past embarrassingly quickly and it's a pity to waste a chunk of it feeling so unhappy in your own home. If he's a good dad and a decent person I'm sure you could make it an amicable split. Happens all the time.

onemoredayplease Thu 23-May-13 08:30:32

I think his head is either firmly in the sand or he just doesn't realise how bad it is. I feel very sad at the thought of leaving. I know I could do it as I have done it before but I don't want to. This time my daughter is older and more aware. It would mean upheaval again and in all probability a new school. Plus the logistics of selling one house to buy two others, how would that work. And I do love him. He is lovely but his idea of a relationship is different to mine quite clearly.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 23-May-13 08:34:43

"I think his head is either firmly in the sand or he just doesn't realise how bad it is"

'You've got me for life' sounds like something between complacency and arrogance to me quite honestly. hmm He knows you're reluctant to show him the door so he's all right Jack and has no incentive to please anyone but himself.

onemoredayplease Thu 23-May-13 08:42:00

I honestly don't know what to do. I have said I'm lonely. He says he is too. I have tried initiating affection he just seems to accept it but not really reciprocate. I've suggested doing something I.e a night out and when I ended up in tears a 2 hour babysit was arranged.

Perhaps I'm too independent and he doesn't feel needed?? Daughter and I are close, maybe he feels left out? He says I treat her like a partner. Maybe I do I don't know. We do a lot together but he had been asked and always says no so I've stopped asking.

I think he is quite happy as he is and has no wish to change what little he has. He does not care about you or your DD and he knows too that you don't want to leave currently.

Better off to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable as you are now. You should not feel obligated to stay. He is not doing anything to improve things, infact I do not think he wants to. He is supposed to be your H but he certainly is not acting like one.

Your DD does not like him and you're both showing her a poor relationship role model. By staying you are showing her that your own feelings are unimportant and that trying to address problems is met with silent treatment from him. Is this really what you would want her to repeat in her own relationships, you're showing her that this to you is currently acceptable. Do not make this model a template of her own future relationships.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time?.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 23-May-13 09:03:24

"Perhaps I'm too independent and he doesn't feel needed??"

Why are you blaming yourself? Why blame the relationship with your daughter? Why keep initiating affection only to have it thrown back in your face, rejected?

A loving relationship is a two-man job. Currently yours seems to be very one-sided and that's quite wrong. If he's lonely and you're lonely, why persist in making two people unhappy? Dead horse... flog....

springymater Thu 23-May-13 11:40:50

Get some counselling yourself. Perhaps later down the line you may be able to make it a condition of your continuing relationship that he comes too ie you start separate couples counselling.

I should imagine two husbands cheating on you has had an awful impact on you (you poor thing sad ). Perhaps you don't find it easy to trust? It won't be healthy for her if your 10yo daughter is 'like a partner' to you (I'm sure she isn't entirely but you seem unsure whether she is like a partner or not..) - please be aware that this is a very damaging dynamic for her if so. She is also living in the soup that is a miserable marriage - don't be fooled that she isn't imbibing it on some level.

he obviously has his own gripes and you both appear to be very unhappy and you've both said you are lonely. He can't be saying to you that you're 'stuck with him for life' - I'm sorry, he doesn't have the right to dictate that to you. I'm not sure what he means by that - does he mean that he isn't going anywhere and won't give up on the marriage, that it is a lifelong commitment for him? But his actions say otherwise ie his body is there but he is leading a pointedly separate life. Perhaps he is doing that in protest that your daughter takes his place? It's not a healthy way to go about things, if so. He may be punishing you... or he may be desperate... it's impossible to tell what's really going on with him unless - and until - he comes clean.

YOu both sound desperate. Get to counselling - just you. And see where it leads. I hope you can make a way through this for all your sakes.

onemoredayplease Thu 23-May-13 19:11:01

I do hear what you are all saying but I really think he is oblivious to what's going on. In his world he is content and this is normal. I do worry about daughter. Realistically I don't think I treat her as a partner. We have a very loving relationship and do a lot together. As I say he is asked but normally says no. Tonight as normal daughter and I will eat. He is off out and will cook his own later. I might as well be a single parent.

triathlonmum Thu 23-May-13 22:52:59

Some helpful views here. I've thought about counselling on my own too - but it is a big (time and money) to find a 'good' counsellor?? I've only told two very close friends how difficult my marriage is so don't exactly want to start asking around! Onemore - the idea of separating is terrifying to me, I completely identify with what you're saying - it's not awful but it really isn't a marriage/relationship. I also feel like a single parent much of the time and have thought at least if we separate he'd have to take some parental responsibility!!!

Maypole your post was interesting, maybe I'm just not yet at the point where I can make the leap. I'm just past 40 and as you say aware time is flashing past. Ho hum.

springymater Fri 24-May-13 01:05:49

YOu can get cheap counselling. Either find a therapist through BACP and ask for a reduced rate (the answer's yes or no, they won't be offended to be asked) or through women's orgs.

It's an investment, not an added extra. it's worth paying for.

onemoredayplease Fri 24-May-13 07:26:27

Problem for me is childcare. I am reliant on him for this. It's the one point where he has control. I know he doesn't like me to ask and she really doesn't like being left with him ( to be fair she hates being left at all). This would make it difficult to go for counselling without him knowing. Don't feel I could explain why I want to see a counsellor.

triathlonmum Fri 24-May-13 12:31:41

Thanks Springy, been looking at some counsellors from that site - promising.

Onemore - would a friend have your daughter while you went to counselling?

springymater Fri 24-May-13 12:44:55

YOu don't have to explain why you want counselling, unless the money is joint and you have to run it by him before you commit? Does he have any hobbies/expenses that come out of the joint purse - if so, this is your hobby/expense. You absolutely don't have to justify or explain why you want counselling. That's like justifying why you want to go for eg a swim - you just want to.

onemoredayplease Fri 24-May-13 14:19:56

It's not the money. We have seperate accounts. I would have to explain why I need him to babysit. It's that simple. He won't volunteer to have her and will need a reason confused

springymater Fri 24-May-13 16:16:56

its not babysitting though, is it, when she's his own child?

mummytolucas411 Fri 24-May-13 16:48:42

I don't think she's his child.

onemoredayplease Fri 24-May-13 17:31:36

No she's not his child.

springymater Fri 24-May-13 17:43:59

Hang on - you're married, right? So the kids are both your kids, surely. ok he may not have adopted your daughter, but she's one of the children in your marriage.

I'm not quite getting how you have to justify with him time away from her. How about you'd like some time to yourself? You don't have to justify that.

She's 10 isn't she? What about going to a counsellor when she's at school.

(I'm finding it really hard to get my head around this tbh)

onemoredayplease Fri 24-May-13 21:39:35

No she isn't his daughter and they don't really get on. As I say we pretty much lead lives independent of each other so to ask him to babysit I would have to give a reason. It's just how it is. As I work full time I am really restricted.

onemoredayplease Fri 24-May-13 21:42:02

I'm not happy that I have to justify myself but I'm afraid I do when it comes to childcare. Just another sign that its an odd relationship. I would expect a partner to do this willingly and to offer when he can see I need time out but that just doesn't happen.

springymater Fri 24-May-13 21:52:18

that sounds like hell. Well, the whole thing sounds like hell. Can you get time off work to go to counselling? I really think you need it to work through this with someone. It sounds so painful sad

onemoredayplease Fri 24-May-13 22:15:49

Not sure. It's a possibility. Work are hugely supportive of me. My line manager is aware I have issues at home. It's all just so odd. Surely a partnership should be just that or am I unrealistic? I don't expect a lot. I am independent but I find this so weird. I just noticed he's marked on the calendar when he's off out with his son. No invite for us. Not even mentioned just put on the calendar.

springymater Sat 25-May-13 09:28:10

YOu are far from unrealistic. I don't know what's going on either, but it is daily rejection, very very painful.

You can't carry on like this, it's unbearable. Do research getting to counselling during work time. In fact, can you get some counselling through work?

onemoredayplease Sun 26-May-13 18:29:51

Been away for a couple of days with daughter. Think I know the outcome of this. It's not a normal relationship. I had been toying with the idea of relocating nearer to my family. I now know that's not what I want so that's one question answered. No matter what happens daughter and I will be in this county. Just making this decision helps. It breaks it down. It's not such a huge challenge now if I leave. I say if but I think I mean when. Taking daughter out for a drink in the sunshine now, he doesn't want to join us despite not seeing us for 48 hours. Says it all really. No mad passion here confused

StrangeGlue Sun 26-May-13 18:46:38

You can find a counsellor at the link below. Most do evenings, you could go after she goes to bed?

DippyDoohDahDay Sun 26-May-13 18:58:45

Op, good on you. I get the bit about third marriage, I have just divorced my second husband and have just posted about loneliness and fear that I won't meet anyone...I read your thread and just think wow, get you, excellent. You can't settle for that, it's stifling and suffocating. Best wishes

onemoredayplease Sun 26-May-13 20:09:16

Thanks both. Am in a good place at the minute. A trip home always helps me. Bit by bit things are working through. I now know I won't leave my job or the county where I live. That's two out of the 3 decisions I was wrestling with made and I feel content with those decisions. They are mine. Made calmly and rationally. The last is the biggest but I will get there. I now know its not me being unrealistic. This isn't normal. Even that helps. Thanks all. smile

springymater Mon 27-May-13 09:56:15

Well done onemore. YOu're sounding really positive. Well done for grasping the nettle. Wishing you the very best in your future.

Ilikethebreeze Mon 27-May-13 21:20:35

Are you married?

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