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Asked Flirty Guy Out; Now Being Blanked

(109 Posts)
Zilvernblue Tue 21-May-13 09:58:29

My marriage ended a couple of years ago and I've always had a bit of a thing for this guy in my friendship group. I knew him before I got married and we went on some casual dates but never quite managed to get it together, although he's admitted he fancies me. He's very shy, and has never had a girlfriend at 33. But very flirty, quite attention seeking, but kind of sweet and good to talk to too. We all went on holiday together as part of a group last year and got on amazingly well. Things felt "special".

So the flirting was happening again, but no suggestion of a date. Mutual male friends were telling me he was keen but he's "shy", so I decided to ask him out. I'm not brave enough to do it in person, so I sent him a text, not too pushy but clear that we should give it a go.

No reply. This was 4 months ago. Since then, he has avoided me like the plague. I would say he is actually going out of his way to avoid me - theres been a couple of parties where he's turned up early for half an hour, seen me in the distance and left without saying anything. I've noticed I'm no longer being invited out to drinks by several of the mutual friends, just at a time (separated from DH and getting divorced) that I could have done with friends.

I'm sure he is doing this to avoid saying "no" and because he probably wants to flirt with me in the future without having to date me, but in actual fact I'm mortified, embarrassed and really hurt by it all.

So has anyone ever encountered one of these "flirty but nice" men who don't want anything else, and how did you deal with them? Because I'm pretty sure that once he's made his point, he will try to go back to the flirty stuff.

unobtanium Tue 21-May-13 10:12:41

It may give you some insight to know, I was like this some years ago. Desperately wanted attn and to be in a reln, but didn't trust myself in one. The flirting was genuine and I really did want it to progress into a date, but I could never actually handle the dating bit. Scared me too much! So I got asked out a couple of times and just ran for the hills. Even dodged out of a lift once when the guy in qn got into it (I had just stood him up out of cowardice) -- leaving me stranded and feeling silly on the wrong floor.

I had serious issues at the time, thankfully all gone long ago -- maybe he has too? If he is anything like I was, he will now be just mortified by his cowardice... and sadly there is now no possibility for the two of you. No matter how much he likes/liked you.

Don't imagine he'll want to flirt again with you, having shown himself to be such a prize wally. He'll be kicking himself over his "stupidity" and wondering how he can get his courage up in the future.

If he does try it on again, just be straight with him and ask him if he has any issues. Sounds very much as if he does!

HTH, just a bit of armchair psychology from someone who has done the same thing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 21-May-13 10:17:28

By 'flirty but nice' you mean 'a time waster'. smile I think all this metaphorical batting of eyelashes over fans is really immature rather than shy behaviour. Playing people to get an ego boost rather than anything more constructive. Only way to deal with someone like that is to take the bull by the balls and ask them 'are you interested or not because, if you're not, stop wasting my time?'

BTW are you actually sure he's straight?

Gay Gay Gay as the May IMO

Zilvernblue Tue 21-May-13 10:20:03

unobtanium I had serious issues at the time, thankfully all gone long ago -- maybe he has too?

Yes, I think so. I think the arsy behaviour is to cover this up. I can see through it, and its why I have given him another chance. I wish I hadn't bothered.

I think he's a fool.

Zilvernblue Tue 21-May-13 10:27:30

Obviously it has occurred to me that he might be gay. It has obviously occurred to him too, because on holiday he made a big thing in front of everyone about making a joke about it but not being gay. So he says he is not. And then spent a lot of the holiday alone with me (but without anything physical happening).

I actually said to him in my text that he was the man and he had to take the lead - I think he knows I'm suspicious.

And now I think other people are beginning to think there is something dodgy about me, due to his current reaction.

He is on every dating site, goes to salsa dancing, cookery classes - all the classic things for finding a girlfriend.

Have you ever met a woman who says she has had sex with him?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 21-May-13 10:34:40

33, never had a girlfriend, flirts but doesn't follow through, goes to cookery classes and salsa dancing .... hmm ... he is so firmly in the closet he's probably got woodworm.

Zilvernblue Tue 21-May-13 10:35:10

I've never met, or even heard of a woman who has even kissed him!

I have seen him behave similarly with another woman though. My guess is that he had been flirting with her, and he constantly name-dropped her when with me, but when she sat down next to him at a party, he immediately got up and literally bolted without saying a word to her, leaving her sitting on her own.

He has hinted at having had sex though, at a party once when he was very drunk.

Thought so grin
It's not you OP.

Concreteblonde Tue 21-May-13 10:38:09

He sounds like a friend of mine. Incredibly hard work and draining. She loves flirting but if any poor bloke then dares to ask her out he immediately becomes a stalker and must be avoided. It feeds her ego I think.

I'd confront this head on if it's starting to impact on your friendships with other people.

SanityClause Tue 21-May-13 10:46:35

I'm guessing your problem is less this chap than the other people in your social circle? So, perhaps make an effort to see other mutual friends without him there. That way, they will stay friends, and he won't get in the way of other good friendships, while he works out whatever his issues are.

CheeseandPickledOnion Tue 21-May-13 10:53:00

He's so gay.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 21-May-13 10:53:23

"on holiday he made a big thing in front of everyone about making a joke about it but not being gay"

To quote Shakespeare... the lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Floggingmolly Tue 21-May-13 11:01:09

Why on earth would he "hint at having had sex"? hmm
He is either gay or 12 years old. Neither option being any use to you, op.

ike1 Tue 21-May-13 11:01:33

There, outed by mumsnet..ahaha

Viviennemary Tue 21-May-13 11:02:03

I immediately thought when I read your post he must be gay but thought that was just me. but others think so too. But whether he is or isn't it doesn't seem as if he is interested in any kind of closer relationship with you. Which is a bit much if he's been giving out all those flirty signals. You are within your rights to be annoyed with him.

He is SO Gay. He has flirts going on in his friendship group to shield himself behind. As long as he looks like he may be flirting, nobody will suspect that he is gay.

I feel sort of sorry for the poor bloke.

Zilvernblue Tue 21-May-13 11:07:11

He could also just be shy and a bit anti-social, as suggested above. Who knows. I don't expect even he does. He owes me one, because I met his sister and she clearly thought I was a sort of girlfriend of his, because I'd been tagged with him in holiday photos together. I've known him for so long and always been a good friend to him, and he's just cut me off.

I feel very used (far more so than if it had been just a ONS). As for the friendship group, I've noticed a lot of the guys seems to flirt with the other single woman and leave their girlfriends at home. I would say two of the people in it (a couple) have been really good friends to me, but the guy said Flirty Guy had told him I came on too strong to him in the past and chased him too much, which put him off. Which isn't true at all.

So who knows what he's insinuated to other friends. I have other friends, and I've been offered a job abroad, to start in September. I'll just go without bothering to say goodbye to any of them (other than the good friends). I really feel like I want to get away from all of them.

Zilvernblue Tue 21-May-13 11:10:14

Floggingmolly Why on earth would he "hint at having had sex"?

Because the girl in question was a bit ahem skanky to say the least. And he likes to portray himself as a decent guy (tm) who doesn't sleep around, or even have flings. Because It Is Wrong.

He is either gay or 12 years old. Neither option being any use to you, op

Very good looking Floggingmolly, great to talk to, get on great. And I wanted to find out!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 21-May-13 11:12:13

"Flirty Guy had told him I came on too strong to him in the past and chased him too much, which put him off. "

Bi-itch <does the snake-head finger-waggle> !! The whole group sounds like some kid of icky front for something dicey. Do you think they're all secret swingers? Bi and high?

I think you were his beard.

AnyFucker Tue 21-May-13 11:47:39

Gay or a time-wasting nobber

Neither of those are much use to you romantically

Lucky escape, I reckon

CalamityKate Tue 21-May-13 11:49:02

Gay as a handbag full of rainbows.
But in denial. Bless him.

Mumsyblouse Tue 21-May-13 11:50:38

You have nothing to feel bad about whatsoever, he's the one that led you on and is now being very childish- so what if he's not interested, it's very insecure to be avoiding you like this.

I would keep the good friends and let the rest go. And, he does sound gay, otherwise none of it makes sense.

skaboy Tue 21-May-13 11:52:08

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AnyFucker Tue 21-May-13 11:56:52

< looks at skaboy, looks at ZB >

< raises eyebrows >

ProphetOfDoom Tue 21-May-13 11:57:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yes but Skaboy the diff is you are heterosexual. And not in the closet trying to act straight by flirting with women. Then running away when said women take you seriously. Are you?

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp Tue 21-May-13 12:00:33

"Gay as a handbag full of rainbows" had me snorting my coffee, excellent.

Sorry OP I too thought "gay/bi/curious" after reading your posts.

Sounds like time to cut your losses.

TippiShagpile Tue 21-May-13 12:00:48

Or Cliff Richard

ProphetOfDoom Tue 21-May-13 12:02:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scarletforya Tue 21-May-13 12:11:42

has never had a girlfriend at 33

Doesn't take a detective to work this one out!

I'm loving 'gay as a handbag full of rainbows' ha!

Zilvernblue Tue 21-May-13 12:13:18

I actually thought this would be quite hard to describe, but it seems quite clear. I haven't even had to describe the jealous strops when I talk to another man.

He could be avoiding me because he's guilty and ashamed at being rumbled, and he knows I know. I told him before that I was getting fed up with his carry on, and he thought I was being most unreasonable. I can see now that he preferred it when I was married - because he could flirt as much as he liked, but without me being able to reciprocate, and maybe pretend I'd chosen my ex over him and he was lovelorn. Him using me as an ego boost is his definition of friendship - he'd never help me out if I was stuck or anything.

He could be a-sexual. A couple of things he has said - "I turn people down", "he can never see himself getting married or having kids", and when I texted him to ask him out with the phrase about being a man and taking the lead, he immediately texted the mutual male friend to say he wasn't going out that night because it was raining and he didn't want to get wet!

I only asked him out because I wanted to get the answer for once and for all; I will never, ever ask a man out again.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 21-May-13 12:29:23

"I will never, ever ask a man out again."

Never say never. 'Nothing ventured, nothing gained' and all that. You've been knocked back this time by Mr Time-Wasting Not Sure If I'm Gay or Not... but just chalk it up to experience rather than letting it ruin things for you going forward.

skaboy Tue 21-May-13 12:36:42

Katiescarlett. Yes, definitely heterosexual, just rusty. Very! And a bit weirded out by having to do the whole dating thing. Guess I'm hoping I find myself in the same situation as the bloke the op describes!

PeppermintPasty Tue 21-May-13 12:42:22

Off on a tangent a bit, but, really, there should be a MN dating panel. Applicants would write up their profiles in the usual way, then submit them for scrutiny and a written critique from an elected MN panel of four, say, which rotates every month or so.

Just think of all the red flags that would be, er, flagged up.

It would end up being a very small, but exclusive dating site.

fromparistoberlin Tue 21-May-13 13:24:46


bless him, he needs to come out

Oh yes. Questions like " describe the breakdown of your last relationship. Max 500 words"

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 13:53:58

I just had this with a guy online, from mumsnet ironically,

He messaged me, flirted non stop for 6 days and then suddenly nothing.

Jeez thanks for the goodbye.

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 13:56:45

Oi Skaboy, you want to go out.....

There, you got what you wished for grin

Zilvernblue Tue 21-May-13 14:13:34

I've known this guy for 8 years though Loulybelle.

He's completely cut me off. Its like I've been dumped, except we've entirely missed out the middle bit.

At least you were spared the reluctant sexing OP grin

schoolshoeblues Tue 21-May-13 14:30:05

you are describing a friend of mine to a tee - he came out when he was 34.

MadBusLady Tue 21-May-13 14:37:26

the guy said Flirty Guy had told him I came on too strong to him in the past and chased him too much, which put him off.

Well, that just sounds horrible. Hopefully once he's come out he'll have the decency to apologize.

At least he was being honest. Probably the only honest thing he has said if by coming on too strong means being liked by a lady smile
And not a bloke wink

Floggingmolly Tue 21-May-13 15:56:22

He has jealous strops when you talk to another man? shock
And then runs a mile when you ask him out? He may be immature and weird as well as being gay, op. They're not mutually exclusive.

BarredfromhavingStella Tue 21-May-13 17:06:26

Yep, he is most certainly gay.

Fast Tue 21-May-13 17:51:56

Even if he isn't gay he certainly sounds like a drama queen. All that carry on and you're not even in a relationship with him. Who'd want to be involved with someone like that when there are plenty of normal blokes out there?

unapologetic Tue 21-May-13 18:14:35

I would have thought it would be impossible to get to the age of 33 and never have had a girlfriend, especially if he is the open flirty type. My first thought was also that he is gay. Which is why he has run a mile when he thought something might actually happen between you.

AnyFucker Tue 21-May-13 19:04:06

Please can I be Chairperson of the MN Dating Panel ? Pretty-please ?

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 19:11:05

I nominate AF for the MN Dating Panel, AF is so brutally honest, it'd save us single persons reading the red flags.

Fillyjonk75 Tue 21-May-13 19:15:46


skaboy Tue 21-May-13 19:53:44

Ok Loulybelle you got a date. That's if you don't mind some rusty, clueless 30something with the dating approach of a teenager reading lines out of a 'how to' guide to flirting...(Runs off to make a mixtape - is that what people do these days?) smile

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 20:00:47

Skaboy, I havent had a date in 7 years and im nearly 30, im so out of touch with dating and all that stuff.

skaboy Tue 21-May-13 20:07:17

Cool, you're on my level then. I think we could make this work. Like dating for beginners or something

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 20:10:35

Yeah, perhaps that could be the MN Dating, "For beginners, unlucky in love, and bruised people"

AnyFucker Tue 21-May-13 20:15:46

Louly and skaboy...what are you doing for your first date ?

Have you even swopped numbers yet ? Seen pics ? (ska, and I don't mean your cock, dude. Keep that in your keks for now, if you please)

How close do you live to each other ?

AnyFucker Tue 21-May-13 20:17:12

No mixtapes either. And no feathery stroking fgs.

Louly, don't get pissed. Not immediately anyway. And if he wants to pay, let him.

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 21-May-13 20:17:43

Can I be chairwoman of the "don't say things like "I am a dating/flirting retard" commitee please?

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 21-May-13 20:20:27

Re the flirty guy now blanking you..

Avoid avoid avoid.

And avoid a bit more. smile

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 21-May-13 20:21:43

Have known two guys like that.

One is straight and was just immature.

One I would swear is gay.

skaboy Tue 21-May-13 20:22:33

Perfect. Sign me up smile think I need a step by step guide.

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 20:23:13

AF, I have an Irish liver which prevents me getting pissed, i'd have to drink a bar empty to get smashed.

Yes and no cock pictures, seen way too many wangs for my liking.

AF can be chair if I can be the mean one on the committee, a bit like Simian Cowell smile

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 20:24:43

Katie, you mean the one who says no to pretty much everything but as soon as some totty comes on, its a yes.

Yes, exactly that grin

I nominate Fanjo for the nice one, or you think they are nice till the Mail does an expo on their coke and ladyboy after show habits wink

MadBusLady Tue 21-May-13 20:28:03


"Louly and Skaboy up a tree..."

AF has to be present to monitor the date though.

AnyFucker Tue 21-May-13 20:28:07

katie, you can't take the totty for yourself either

you must be completely impartial

< adjusts pince-nez >

AnyFucker Tue 21-May-13 20:29:16

hehe, imagine that

I will sit at the next table and scrutinise proceedings

skaboy Tue 21-May-13 20:29:36

Umm... I was thinking baccy on a pushbike down the prom, fish and chips and if that was impressive enough, snog in the bus shelter for the first date. What the f* is feathery stroking btw?

MadBusLady Tue 21-May-13 20:29:57


I see AF as Judge Judy-esque grin

I like the sound of that date proposal skaggers, are you handsome or do small children cry when you look at them?

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 20:32:18

Oh Skaboy, thats like my perfect date, shall i get my dad to drop me off.

AnyFucker Tue 21-May-13 20:33:15

ska read this thread

as well as being a hilarious read and give you some pointers as to what not to do, there is reference to "feathery stroking" which should tell you what you need to know smile

For feathery stroker, google Marian Keyes and don't ever think it is a good idea.

AnyFucker Tue 21-May-13 20:34:13

lou...perhaps your little brother could tag along with you too ?

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 20:34:43

No little brother, but i have a little sister, will that do?

AnyFucker Tue 21-May-13 20:42:37

perfect !

skaboy Tue 21-May-13 20:44:32

Ok, so no feathery stroking, no cock pics And no younger siblings. Think I can do all that. Right its a date then. (Fixes bike puncture and scrabbles around for money for the fish and chips)

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 20:53:35

and money for a bread roll and drink, dont be tight now Skaboy.

And no onion rings unless you've gold spot in your pocket.

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 21-May-13 20:57:10

I wish I had an exciting secret life I tell ya grin

skaboy Tue 21-May-13 21:02:13

That's fine Loulybelle. Might get you some haribos as well for afters

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 21:05:28

Fizzy cola bottles Skaboy, i need my fizzies.

skaboy Tue 21-May-13 21:10:05

Ok, that's a deal. (You've cleaned me out now btw)

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 21:10:44

Never said i was a cheap date Skaboy grin

ProphetOfDoom Tue 21-May-13 21:14:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Tue 21-May-13 21:16:35

have you two spoken on the wireless telephone ?

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 21:17:14

Im from Essex Matilda, might be a little too far.

skaboy Tue 21-May-13 21:21:45

Yeah I live oop north (lancashire) its all over unless you want some kind of long distance thingy. (Goes to room and plays music loud)

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 21:23:43

last guy was from lincs and before that Yorkshire.

Should really stop flirting with Male Mumsnetters.

AnyFucker Tue 21-May-13 21:33:06

erk, that's quite a distance if the spondoolies are a bit tight

I could offer you my front room in Manchester ? I have a wide screen telly, a squashy sofa and some bowls to put the Haribo in and a washing machine to launder the sex towels

skaboy Tue 21-May-13 21:33:11

Haha... its all good. I get to travel quite a bit for work so if I ever go to essex (note to self-find out where essex is) I'll bring my bike and wages from saturday job...and fizzers.

AnyFucker Tue 21-May-13 21:33:59

I could put some plastic sheeting down on the carpet

oh, and Sky movies smile

AnyFucker Tue 21-May-13 21:34:50

< starts drilling hole through wall from sitting room >

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 21:35:48

Skaboy, you have offended me, dont even know where Essex is.

Its all about Essixxxxx, like totes babe.

Shut uppppp!!!!

skaboy Tue 21-May-13 21:49:29

Look, I do know its darn sarf...and your on the telly an all that...

Guess we'll just have to be pen pals sad

Get a day return to tanland skag. Man up.

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 21:54:32

Im from North Essex and posh you know.

None of that crappy, Primarni shit for me.

<tries to act posh>

skaboy Tue 21-May-13 22:21:12

Well, anywhere else is posh when you come from down t' pit like I do, so I guess that's a winner smile saving up for the train fare to tanland as we speak.

Cakebitch Tue 21-May-13 22:25:01


Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 22:25:55

Remember i iz posh, wine and dine innit.

White Zinfandel is a good start, Disaronno will get you a blowie, Bold Black Cherry Southern Comfort is a guaranteed leg over.

skaboy Tue 21-May-13 22:32:25

(Writes down drinks orders on hand in crude biro handwriting). Ace - we got a date, Posh smile

Incidentally, why do people keep making comments like 'gay' in our thread Loulybelle? Its a real passion killer

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 22:43:55

Well maybe they onto you Ska. grin

skaboy Tue 21-May-13 22:57:58

Haha...bugger. And here I was thinking I might get to 1st base for a price of a train fare to darn sarf / hiding in the bogs all the way smile. (Baccy offer still open btw)

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 23:20:29

Oh you have wooed me Ska.

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