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Fresh Start, no more losers.

(1000 Posts)
LoserNoMore Tue 21-May-13 08:38:53

Just thought I'd start a new thread, general chit chat, moaning, skipping etc before I go to work and incase the other one fills up.

skyeskyeskye Tue 21-May-13 08:45:27

Just marking spot. Have a good day.

lazarusb Tue 21-May-13 10:36:58

I did a bit of skipping yesterday but my back is uncomfortable today so I'm avoiding it until I'm ok again...really can't go back to constant pain.

Hope everyone has a good day. It's my Mum's birthday so I'm taking her out for lunch smile Would be nice to see a bit of sun though!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 21-May-13 11:43:38

no skipping for me, although I am with you in spirit. I have walked the dog, views were beautiful. Walked through the woods - all the bluebells are out, onto the hills and it never fails to make me feel good. Didnt see another soul. grin

Hope work is ok for you today LNM.

LoserNoMore Tue 21-May-13 12:52:33

Sounds good Jax. Enjoy your lunch Lazarus! I'm home for lunch at a decent time for once, not usually before 2.00. When I say lunch I mean a coffee and 2 fags. Still quieter than normal at work, it's weird, I've even had time to pee.

LoserNoMore Tue 21-May-13 12:54:59

Thanks Skye, you too.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 21-May-13 13:23:48

lunch and a pee! WOW, you are one lucky lady. grin

ladyjadie Tue 21-May-13 14:56:35

Marking my place for inspiration, and a general faith-in-humanity restorer (you ladies here obv. not High Mage Twunt)

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 21-May-13 16:27:20

what sort of inspiration would you like ladyjadie? I am making no idea what for my dinner, DH and DC are having some form of pasta dish.

imtheonlyone Tue 21-May-13 16:30:04

Hello new thread smile. I'm liking the title LNM - rather jealous of your lunch break - I didn't get chance to pee or eat or drink!!!!!!!!! But hey ho!!

Is he still hassling you or given up yet?

glad you started another thread.

Fairenuff Tue 21-May-13 16:39:49

Jax your walk sounds so peaceful and relaxing - that's my kind of exercise. I'm off next week so if we get some decent weather I'll do lots of walking. It's a lovely time of year for it.

LoserNoMore Tue 21-May-13 16:49:20

I have managed to get away early too! Some problem with the server. I'm truly spoiled, lunch break, pee and home early.

Imtheonlyone, he's still texting. "Why are you ignoring me?" Erm, I think cos you're a twat just about covers it.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 21-May-13 16:52:50

You can reply back telling him that. Eject that he is

imtheonlyone Tue 21-May-13 16:58:21

My response would be 'why are you still texting me? I've asked you not to unless it involves contact arrangements for the girls. All other texts will be ignored. Always'

PyroclasticFlo Tue 21-May-13 17:04:21

Found the new thread, glad you had a reasonable day at work LNM, and a pee and home early! What a treat grin

Fairenuff Tue 21-May-13 17:28:11

I think he can figure out why you are ignoring him. Don't respond. Contact him through email if you have to. If you keep ignoring the texts he will eventually stop sending them.

Have you considered changing your phone, or even just your number? If he has to have a mobile contact for you, you could get a cheap payg phone and use that one just to make arrangements for the children.

i'd send one response along the lines of, 'i have repeated asked you not to keep contacting me except in regard to contact by email. this is harassment. if you continue i will make a complaint with the police without further warning'.

LoserNoMore Tue 21-May-13 17:43:19

He said if I keep ignoring him he'll just come by the house and there's nothing the police will do because he won't be doing anything wrong, just trying to talk.

Ffs, 1 less stressful day at work and he sky rockets my stress levels through the roof. Just trying to get on with things and establish some sort of new routine and he's hanging about on the sidelines. Solicitors letter it is.

PyroclasticFlo Tue 21-May-13 17:52:02

I think a solicitors letter is a very good idea my lovely. Tell him what the new rules are in no uncertain terms.

Dahlen Tue 21-May-13 17:52:50

He's wrong. If you can show that you've asked him not to contact you, repeated texting/calling/turning up does count as harassment, regardless of his claim that he just wants to talk.

CabbageLeaves Tue 21-May-13 18:20:35


Bullying arsehole.

I must admit my response would be along the lines of If you want to play like that... and then gloves off and divorce full steam

I'm on hols next week and am winding down smile

LulaPalooza Tue 21-May-13 18:31:38

Hello LNM, been catching up on your threads and I am so damn impressed with your courage and style and the way you are handling this. You are no-nonsense, you couldn't have been clearer with LH (Loser Husband) about what you think and feel and he can't cope with that at all, can he?

Anyhoo, I just wanted to say I think you are amazing x

say you have forced yourself into this house and grabbed me previously and now you are harassing me with unwanted communication and threats of coming round here and the police not being able to do anything about it. you may want to read up on the law. any more and i will contact the police and report everything so far to them including your forced entry and assault and ask advice as to what can be done.

thistlelicker Tue 21-May-13 18:54:52

Can't believe ur on another new thread again :-))

LoserNoMore Tue 21-May-13 19:04:35

I am beyond livid. Just went to pick up dd from gymnastics and he was in the car park. He came over whilst I was still sitting in the car and sat in the passenger seat. I got out the car and he followed me begging for me to listen. I just kept walking and he was gone by the time I came out.

Then if that wasn't bad enough, dd has just told me he told her at the weekend that he'd be back home soon, I was just angry because he done something silly but I'd let him back eventually! I could kill him.

thistlelicker Tue 21-May-13 19:07:52

How rude of him! He's bordering harassment.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 21-May-13 19:12:21

so, he is already rewriting the truth in his head! And telling your DD that you 'are to blame' in a roundabout way. This is shocking!

You need to write a strong email or text - detailing what SAF said, and mentioning that if he continues to harass you, by following you or tailing you to DD appointments you will contact police. IT IS harassment. sad

lazarusb Tue 21-May-13 19:12:35

I'm with SAF and others. If he turns up, call the Police. Tell them last time he forced his way into YOUR home and assaulted you and you are frightened he may do it again.

This isn't lying or exaggeration, it's the truth. Harassment is illegal - Protection from Harassment Act 1997. The Police can arrest if necessary, it doesn't even have to be physical or frequent. Your relationship is over, he has no right to be in your home or to threaten you - which is what he is doing. Your solicitor may well be concerned that he'll also use contact to harass you.

Please don't worry about calling the Police if he does turn up, you and your dds need and deserve to feel safe. You are not his property, he can't carry on like this.

skyeskyeskye Tue 21-May-13 19:20:55

I agree that you need to send something to him to make it quite plain that it is over if that is your final decision. Make it clear that due to his actions, the marriage is over.

Inform him that you are taking legal advice and that any communication must be by email only and only regarding the DC

Fairenuff Tue 21-May-13 19:21:02

I actually think that you should report him to the police. Tell them that you want to make a complaint about him entering your premises without permission, grabbing you and kissing you.

The police will be supportive - just like they would if a stranger came into your house and did that. Also tell them about him getting in your car without permission.

It won't amount to anything at the moment but it will be on record and you can tell him (via email) that you have already reported it and they do take it seriously.

If he persists in harrassing you, you can ask the police to have a word with him.

It is beyond disgusting that he is using the children like this, lying to them and not having the slightest consideration for their needs or feelings.

I think you are going to have to get extremely tough with him and definitely get a solicitors letter setting out that contact must only be via email, etc. Starting divorce proceedings will also send him a very clear message, if you think you might be ready for that.

candodad Tue 21-May-13 19:55:39


LoserNoMore Tue 21-May-13 20:03:43

He can say or do what he likes to me but filling dd's heads with a load of nonsense is not on.

I'm going to call the police station when dd's go to sleep and just make them aware of the things he's done which have made me uncomfortable. Just to have it on record. I'll make appointment to see solicitor too. Also I'll email him telling him I'm contacting police etc and he better back off.

Right since day one all I asked for was space, one bloody thing and he can't even do that sad

Ginderella Tue 21-May-13 20:19:26

I love coffee and fags for lunch!

On a serious note, unwanted visits, phone calls and texts is harassment and can be dealt with by the Police in the form of an Harassment Warning.

LNM - are you in Scotland? If so follow the link.

CabbageLeaves Tue 21-May-13 20:49:44

I absolutely agree with getting advice on how to deal with this. Don't tolerate anything. Zero.

buildingmycorestrength Tue 21-May-13 20:52:35

I cannot believe he would stoop so low as to speak to DD like that!

shock shock. shock.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 21-May-13 21:24:21

I think you need to prepare yourself for him being more unreasonable in future LNM - not meant to scare you at all, but forewarned is forearmed.

If you contact police, be matter of fact, explain and ask what they can do to help you.

The way he has trivialised it all is terrible, and telling your DD that is not on at all. I mean its not like he spent £50 and told you it was a tenner. Or had a secret stash of chocolate in a cupboard.
Both the above are 'silly' things to do, what he did was far worse.

imtheonlyone Tue 21-May-13 21:35:45

Oh god, he is such a loser. So glad to hear you're calling the Police. Just to have it on record and to be able to tell him that you've spoken to them is great. I had to do this in the end with my ex as he was waiting outside my house for me to get home! He's backed right off since. I seriously hope he gets the message through this and backed up with a solicitors letter! It's definitely harassment and he needs to be stopped. What a total twunt. Hope you're ok? There's nothing worse than being scared in your own home hmm. He's really not thinking how any of this is affecting you or your dd's - I mean fancy telling them he will be home soon!!!

Alwayskeptalidon Tue 21-May-13 22:39:38

LNM. He has been a total entitled plonker and wants his family back. Only you can decide what happens. Continue being strong.
I wish MN was around when I was going through similar.

LoserNoMore Tue 21-May-13 22:49:00

I called the station and spoke to an officer there, just told her the brief details. She told me any more problems to contact them and suggested the solicitors letter. She also asked if I wanted them to have a word with him but I said not just now. He's got one more chance to back off and I'll tell him that or he'll be getting a visit.

How the hell did it come to this?! I feel totally empty tonight and so bloody alone... Maybe because I am.

Fairenuff Tue 21-May-13 22:56:15

You're not alone, you have the whole army of mn behind you.

Also, I was thinking, he has probably fed his sister a load of lies too, I wonder if it's worth you approaching her one last time. Just to see if she wants to talk over coffee or something.

If you can make it clear to her that's there's no way he's coming back, she might be keener for him to move out and get his own place. And that, in turn, might force him to face up to the fact that he has to move on. Also, when she realises how utterly selfishly he has behaved, she might be more supportive of you.

Worth a shot or do you think she's a lost cause?

LittleEsme Tue 21-May-13 22:56:18

<waves at LNM> glad I've found you!

I'm gutted that he's spoken to your DD about this. Bang out of order.

He just does NOT see the finality of his own marriage. He thinks he can sweet talk you round to taking him back. He does not believe that you're done with him. Stupid, selfish, thoughtless man. angry

Escalate now LNM to the legal route. I'm angry for you.

V happy however to see another thread. Feel like a group of long lost friends <cheesy grin>

buildingmycorestrength Tue 21-May-13 22:56:58

EllenM, it won't be forever. You are going through a horrible, awful patch right now, and you don't have much RL support.

Is there anyone in RL you have told yet?

LoserNoMore Tue 21-May-13 23:18:13

Building, it's common knowledge now, everyone knows. I've not seen much of my friends recently. I know they're busy...

Fairenuff, maybe it's worth a try. I have a feeling she won't be happy I contacted the police about her precious brother. Who knows, I'll sleep on it.

How are you LittleEsme? Hope you're still taking it easy.

buildingmycorestrength Wed 22-May-13 07:00:37

Hey, sorry to hear your friends aren't available much. sad Glad you called the police.

CabbageLeaves Wed 22-May-13 07:14:17

LNM. Maybe a very straight unemotional letter to the sister and copied to brother along the lines of

We separated due to your admitted affair on (date)
I have decided to file for divorce and informed you of this (date)
You have approached me on x occasions:
List every single event that has occurred which you would not expect or tolerate from a stranger (because this is the status he now has)

I have warned you this contact is very distressing and threatening to me (this letter is being written for evidence not to make yourself look weak -I think you need to say this)

You have misled our DC

We are now moving into a phase where I will take legal steps to end the marriage. I would like to think that as responsible parents we can do this with our DC foremost in our minds to minimise harm to them.

If you continue to harass, force contact and x y z I will have no alternative to take steps to protect myself and DC from your behaviour. I have already consulted police and ?solicitors.

I really would like to think we can proceed with out undue unpleasantness because this situation of your making is distressing for everyone as it is.

(I've written this v quickly so its probably not great) but I would get formal and use this letter copied to family to get message across. I also think get going with divorce. English law gives you 6months to petition for divorce based on an affair or unreasonable behaviour. The theory is that if you have tolerated for that time you didn't find it unacceptable.

LNM. I rarely see friends. Between work and focusing on DC I don't get time. I think of them a lot but just don't physically get time

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 22-May-13 09:25:49

LNM - not only is he being an arse on the whole, but he doesnt see what he did as wrong. By trivialising it and making out that it was silly he just doesnt get it at all. If you were to take him back (just for arguments sake) he would think he had carte blanche to do this over and over again. sad

Maybe invite friends over to yours for an evening, make a chilli and have a glass of wine, or do a games night. I know it sounds silly to have adults games evenings but we do sometimes and it is hilarious. Brings out the child in us all. blush

buildingmycorestrength Wed 22-May-13 09:42:13

I also make appointments to phone friends for a proper chat. Then I can do the kitchen at the same time as chatting if I need to.

lazarusb Wed 22-May-13 10:46:10

I'd leave his family out of it personally. This has nothing to do with them. He is a grown man in control of his own actions and decisions. I'm glad you spoke to the Police, next stop solicitors. He has made it clear time and again that he has no respect for you or your opinions, despite his behaviour. Nothing has changed, he slept with someone else, said it was only sex...since then he's threatened you, lied to you, tried to force you into having him back. Sometimes it's worth getting official, just to bang home the message.

Cabbage - I think English Law only has the 6 month rule if you have lived together during that period because of the (law's stupid) emphasis on reconciliation. As LNM has kicked him out and not let him crawl back it wouldn't apply here.

I'm glad that your dd felt she could tell you what he said fwiw, it illustrates her complete trust in you. It also gave you another heads up as to how he's sees this. He isn't seeing OW so all's ok, he can come back asap...nothing he has done since this began has been about loving you, just his pride & dented ego.

You are far from alone smile

saffronwblue Wed 22-May-13 10:53:32

He just has no idea, has he? He thinks it can all go away and be back as it was. He has really crossed the line in teling your poor DD that he would be home soon.
Stay strong - you are doing so well.

LoserNoMore Wed 22-May-13 19:45:30

Thanks cabbage, that sounds good. I'll send him something like that. I sent him a brief email telling him I'd been in touch with the police. He must have told his sister as she sent me a text telling me she was disgusted I'd taken it that far. Yeah it was me who took it too far.

Ginderella Wed 22-May-13 19:56:33

LNM - well at least you know whose side the sister is on. I'm disappointed with her response - although not surprised. When she suffers the pain of an unfaithful partner, who continues to act like it's her fault that their relationship is over, perhaps she will have some empathy.

forget the sister. she's shown you her true colours and it's blood (and i'm guessing males) come first even if they're totally wrong.

glad you spoke to the police. it is harassment and if needs be you emphasise that to the police and say look this isn't a 'domestic' - the marriage is over and i view this the same as if a stranger was forcing himself into my home or car and i know this is prosecutable. without being threatening you show them that you know your legal position and you expect them to follow it.

i'm gutted for you that he is being such a cock and that your sister in law is frankly such a twat as to reserve her disgust for you calling the police rather than for her adulterous, self indulgent, man child of a brother.

people suck sometimes!!!

is she single by the way?

CabbageLeaves Wed 22-May-13 20:17:01

You're disgusting!!!???!!

Wow. So her brother is a poor misunderstood badly treated husband I guess? You rotter you LNM wink

Fairenuff Wed 22-May-13 20:19:11

Yeah, I agree, forget the sister. She has probably only been fed a load of lies but she didn't have to digest them, did she. She could have taken the initiative and spoken to you herself. They are as bad as each other those two.

You did the right thing, imo. It's surprising how a burly police officer can get the message across very quickly if necessary grin

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 22-May-13 20:27:00

The sister has clearly been fed a pack of lies. But regardless - she isnt on your side at all. STupid woman. Not you, her!

I cant wait to get up to Scotland to see everyone - dont forget my fish n chips and if you are a good girl ice cream after offer. grin

Or you could bunk off work and come down to the seaside for the day... I could ditch my kids with DH and his family and we could have a girlie day gossiping and drinking coffee smoking fags and lunch.

skyeskyeskye Wed 22-May-13 21:19:50

Remember this is your life LNM. You could forgive him and take him back. You can carry on and divorce him. Those are your choices and nothing to do with his sister. What would she do if her H cheated on her?? Nobody knows how they would react in a situation until it happens... I always thought that I would kick a cheater out, but when I discovered all the texting with OW, I just couldnt believe it was a betrayal, tried to think the best and I tried to ignore it and still begged XH to come back...... but then, I was in a state of shock because he walked out with no warning.

Now, I know, that I would never trust him ever again. If he had come back, I would always be wondering if he was where he said he was, who was texting him, every time he was on his phone I would have wanted to know who it was.

Once the trust has been broken, it is very hard to repair it.

If the sister says anything about it again, then just reply that he forced his way into your home and physically touched you against your will, that it is unacceptable, that the marriage is over because of his cheating actions.

Tell the sister it's none of her business and you're disgusted that your husband cheated on you. I can't believe she text you, absolutely nothing to do with her.

I hope you're doing ok LNM X

imtheonlyone Wed 22-May-13 21:54:40

Well now you know not to bother to try and build any bridges with the sister!!!! The fucking cheek of the woman! I'm so angry for you right now! She's clearly been fed a complete pack of lies - either that or she's as delusional as your ex!!

Hope you're ok - don't let her wind you up. You've absolutely done the right thing contacting the police as its now on record if he does anything else. I'm disgusted she's still standing up for him! He needs to be told that you mean what you say - you've done nothing wrong.

On a more cheery note, I've just made the most gorgeous smelling chocolate cake and need to go and ganache it now!! Then need to try and not eat any before tomorrow!!!! wink

CabbageLeaves Wed 22-May-13 21:58:38

Mmmm choc cake with ganache


LoserNoMore Wed 22-May-13 22:22:58

SAF, she's divorced.

I'm not going to bother replying to any texts from her. This whole thing has been a right eye opener, that's for sure.

I went straight to the gym from work, 30 minute run and 30 minutes on the bike, I won't be able to walk tomorrow, was good though.

LoserNoMore Wed 22-May-13 22:23:49

Divorced and remarried I meant.

imtheonlyone Wed 22-May-13 22:37:09

You're bang on LNM - absolutely no point in responding to her. Waste of your time and energy!

Well done on the gym efforts - I'm well impressed grin

Fairenuff Wed 22-May-13 22:39:47

Unless... he sent the text from her phone without her knowledge? Is that even worth considering? I don't know, it's hard work trying to figure out what goes on in someone else's brain. Best just to leave them to it and get on like you are LNM.

Are you off work next week or have you arranged childcare for halfterm. Sorry if you've said already and I missed it.

LoserNoMore Wed 22-May-13 22:49:33

Who knows Fairenuff, nothing would surprise me anymore. Schools are only closed for 2 days but I'm working. I'm trying to keep my annual leave for the summer holidays. I've been looking at holidays tonight, would be good to book something, then we have something to look forward to.

Jax, sorry forgot to ask. When are you in Scotland again? Day off work to drink coffee would be good, oh and fish and chips! Don't hold out much hope for sun though.

Thanks imtheonlyone, I was quite impressed myself. Now I'm just thinking about chocolate cake.

CabbageLeaves Thu 23-May-13 07:17:35

I booked a holiday abroad. It did keep me thinking forward but was weird because it emphasised my 'aloneness' all the more to me. (I didn't chose a holiday where I easily met other people) Try and find somewhere where kids will have friends and you can socialise.

I think it's really important to carry on doing what you want to and not let life grind to a halt. You are still a family. Do family things

Fluffycloudland77 Thu 23-May-13 12:22:58

Tbh I'd have sent the police round, he needs a dose of reality. You can also report the sister too for the texts.

Harassment can be one incident or many.

At the end of the day you cannot stalk and harass people. It is a criminal offence. This does need to stop because he is not respecting your boundaries.

Nothing like the police to give the "stop being a twat mate she's not interested" speech.

The ex and his sister are living their lives like the soaps they watch.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 23-May-13 12:51:41

Im in Scotland all next week - but only by the west coast for a few days as we are now going up to see my nieces new house - East Coast... lord knows why we do this, organise things. Think I will just let people know we are at my Mum and Dads and if folk family want to visit then they can come to us for a change.

Except you LNM, well you would be very welcome at my Mums, but you'd be bored to death! grin

CabbageLeaves Thu 23-May-13 13:29:13

I know this is irrelevant to the thread but its such a novelty for me that I'm sharing grin


I'm having a lunch break.

In a real coffee shop with a coffee and a caramel slice

Get me

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 23-May-13 13:39:46

mmmmm caramel slice.

lazarusb Thu 23-May-13 16:10:20

Fluffy is right - harassment taking place through a third party is also counted by the police. Ignore his sister, being a twat is clearly genetic.

I haven't stopped eating this week! Not a great start to my exercise regime confused

LoserNoMore Thu 23-May-13 18:04:35

Lazarus, exercise is evil. I can't walk today. I took the lift at work to avoid walking up and down stairs, my legs are agony.

Cabbage, I'm not sure I'm brave enough to go abroad alone. Glad you managed a proper lunch, it's such an achievement grin

With regard to having the police involved and them speaking to him, I'd rather not unless I absolutely have to. I don't want to make things worse even though it is him doing that. I'm hoping he backs off and we can be civil to a degree. I think once he gets it into his head that it's over he can maybe act like a grown up. I've told him I've spoken to police so he knows it's not just an empty threat. His sister has really disappointed me though.

CabbageLeaves Thu 23-May-13 18:32:29

I understand that LNM. I think having the police involved is a very sad step but necessary sometimes. It's in his hands to avoid that

lazarusb Thu 23-May-13 20:36:25

It's a shame that she doesn't seem to be willing to see this from your point of view. I can understand you're disappointed in her though. Ex's sister shouted 'slag' at me across the street a couple of months after I'd split from him. We'd been quite close and she was aware of at least some of the violence - took her 18 years to speak to me again.

Have you thought about a nice cottage somewhere in the UK? Just to get away for a bit and have a change of scenery..might be worth looking into.

LoserNoMore Thu 23-May-13 20:47:03

Yeah I was thinking about that Lazarus, not sure if it might be too quiet though. Don't want to go anywhere too full on either. How bloody expensive is Centre Parks?! shock

LoserNoMore Thu 23-May-13 22:11:59

Anyone about tonight?

CabbageLeaves Thu 23-May-13 22:13:17

Yup smile

CabbageLeaves Thu 23-May-13 22:19:42

Centreparcs is a rip off.

I have been out of school hols but wouldn't go in school hols or summer. Last visit was ruined by their cynical money grabbing activities

I considered Cornwall camping with another single mum (weather...)

Because I work f/t I find adult friendships hard to maintain. I have become pretty self sufficient and capable of hols focused totally on DC. I have all girls and one of my best memories is of camping on a farm. We had electric and a lap top and used to snuggle together with hot chocolate, choc cries and a film. We walked and explored local canals, museums and just slowed life down eating special treats (McDonalds and cafes with slightly older offerings)

CabbageLeaves Thu 23-May-13 22:28:55

Off to bed LNM

Hugs x

skyeskyeskye Thu 23-May-13 22:37:27

LNM - I go to Parkdean holiday parks. Usually not too expensive, have booked a four night break in August for £442 which is a lot for me, but I will find it. You get caravan accommodation which is usually very clean and tidy.

They usually have indoor pool, some have outdoor pool, usually have a lovely play park and great entertainment in the evenings for all ages. I love going to them on my own with DD as its just so easy. The first time I went alone I didn't leave the park, just used all of their facilities and had a nice relaxing break.

I cant remember which part of the country you are in, but I go to St Minver in Cornwall, which is quite quiet, but busy enough too.

TonysHardWorkDay Thu 23-May-13 22:46:43

You may find some nice cheap deals abroad especially if you go toward the beginning of the holidays as Scottish holidays start earlier. Centre Parcs is silly money!

I think a nice break would do you the world of good. No need to worry about the knobcheese turning up and you can relax in a way you can't at home as you're not always thinking of some chore you should be doing. Just relax and have a wonderful time with your girls.

Even if you can't afford a week away try for a long weekend or 4 days midweek even relatively locally just to get out of the house and away from it for a few days. Just watch for those damn midges if you stay in Scotland!

CabbageLeaves Fri 24-May-13 07:36:07

Have you got your girls this weekend LNM?

lowercase Fri 24-May-13 09:44:42

Hello LNM,
Great to see y'all on a new thread.
New to me anyway, page 4, late to the party.

Wrt stbx sister, I think she must be one of those people who will side with family just because they are family!
Not saying she should cut him off, but in this situation some love and care to the children's mother is a given I would have thought?
Another one you are better off without.

Similar stuff has happened with me, I just expect nothing anymore, that's what I get so I'm rarely disappointed!
Though my ex's mother ( who lives in another country ) did say I'm a good mother and she wished she could be here for me in all things, and those words were a massive comfort.

Lean on MN, lean on friends, lean on the goodness of the universe.

With love smile

lazarusb Fri 24-May-13 15:05:40

Sorry - don't quite know where last night went!
We went to Centerparcs for 5 days about 8 years ago...we spent more there than we did in a fortnight in the South of France!

There are some nice holiday camps around with the all important indoor pool etc for dcs. We're going to a cottage in Northumberland this August...can't wait. It was £500 for the whole week, self-catering. But I'm an anti-social mare tbh and like a bit of quiet!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 24-May-13 20:29:06

woohoo couple more days and then I will be 'home' to Scotland! grin

Our family is definitely going abroad this year, I dont care where, so long as it is HOT and there is a beach.

We had a brilliant holiday last year in Scotland, up North - whole family, well whole of DHs family. Loads of kids, adults, campfires, and it was good fun. Then we went over the mountains to the opposite side and visited my niece and her family. But I was exhausted when I got back home. So this year, just us 4 for a quiet, relaxing holiday.

I do like to see everyone and I miss them all - then I dont want to come back to English home and am a misery guts for a few days when we get back. Thats why I havent went up for a few months - well that plus the stupid back had me in agony up until MArch, from October last year.

LNM - hope you are off on Monday for bank holiday at least. Hope to see you when Im up!

LittleEsme Fri 24-May-13 22:38:57

LNM, I really hope you're going to meet up with Jax (how cool would that be?!) for a cuppa.

Have you thought of camping? We head to France most years with the contents of our entire house our tent and some gear. If you like driving, then it's ideal.

Gutted for you re the sister. Very, very disappointing. Agree with everyone else though, ignore ignore ignore. That said, I am usually the type of person to want to appeal to that person, just for that one last ditch attemt, to talk some sense, to remind that person who 'you' are i.e. that very same person who was a good wife, is a good mother, a good person. Because, so far, over the last couple of months, she's been fed a catalogue of lies, been told God knows what. Either that, or she's minimising what's happened. In that case, she's a Twat and you'll know, with total clarity, to leave well alone.

Ah LNM. Is it worth, pencilling a last letter to that shithouse of an ex to say "Look, what is it that you want from me? Do you want me to say that you've broken my heart?" etc etc And to categorically state that he has killed off any sense of trust and loyalty in your relationship. And that if he has a shred of decency left in his body, then he will respect that he has hurt your relationship, beyond repair. I don't know LNM - maybe I'm clutching at straws here and possibly suggesting something entirely ridiculous which will get me booted up the behind by our more sensible sisters, but it might work. Certainly follow it up with the legal route, but your words may carry more clout.

Anyway, there's a very good chance I'm talking bollocks, and I accept that if any of the ladies want to tell me so. I just want you to be ok. I really, really do.

LoserNoMore Fri 24-May-13 23:33:24

Trying to read posts on my phone so apologies for not answering all.

Girls are with ex tonight. I'm fed up just fed up sad fed up of feeling good one day and down the next.

Probably will book a Park type holiday, near a beach. I would quite happily live on a beach, it's my most favourite place in the world.

I'm not off work at all Jax for the bank holiday. Keep me posted on your plans though.

I don't know LittleEsme, it's hard to know what to do for the best. Thanks for your thoughts though, something to think about.

LoserNoMore Fri 24-May-13 23:34:37

Nice to see you too lowercase.

lowercase Fri 24-May-13 23:49:12

I love this...found on the wall of mother Theresa's home for children in Calcutta.

People are often unreasonable, irrational or self centred. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win someunfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.

Give the best you have and it will never be enough.
Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

lowercase Fri 24-May-13 23:51:17

You could swap God for love or life or good if you don't like that particular g word.

CabbageLeaves Sat 25-May-13 06:39:40

I like that

I wish I could make this all go faster for you LNM. I wish I could lie and say divorcing and being a single mother is fab. It's not.

We have to do something with what we are given in life however. You sadly, were given a loser who thought he was entitled to have another woman on the side. Your choice is to leave that marriage

I chose to leave my faulty marriage and it was the right decision. It doesn't mean I don't look back to the early part of my marriage, to the man he was, the life I had and mourn. I look at others who kept that life, kept that man and are happy ...and wonder what I did to deserve this. If he hadn't changed, I'd still be married. But he did. That is that and this is now. (Loads and loads of adults, men and women in the same situation of accepting their forever marriage...isn't. We are not alone)

Since the divorce I have had some of the best times in my life The good things outweigh the bad. I think that if married, I'd still have exhausting days, miserable moments, crap holidays, moody teens, financial woes, sickness and wonder why I married my husband (no matter if he was perfect) That is family life. Don't put marriage as a situation on a pedestal. smile. You will get the peaceful moments, those happy family days when your children reward you with love, pride and mess. You will start to see yourself as a person rather than an appendage of others in your life, you'll grow in character and have achievements you never saw coming (I made a fitted wardrobe....shoe racks, shelves, the lot myself)

This time now: the roller coaster - it will get less bumpy. You will struggle to keep faith that life will ever be good again, because just as you reach a happy moment, you crash to earth again (which makes you almost shy away from happy in case it's the cause of the crashes.). You do need to recognise it is a 'time' of its own. It will end. It will be hard. You need to have a plan for surviving which involves resting when you can, keeping busy when you need to and mentally bracing yourself or mentally calming yourself. <<< its like a battle. Prepare for it.

It will end

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 25-May-13 07:57:48

I hope he looks after the kiddies and doesnt start any nonsense!

cabbage I read your post above - but I read "you were given a LOBSTER" and I thought wtf? would she want a lobster for.

Lack of sleep... only excuse. Made me laugh though.

LittleEsme Sat 25-May-13 10:28:59

Cabbage, you write beautifully, and so, so well. That post made me stop and think. Not many do that.

LittleEsme Sat 25-May-13 10:31:06

Jax I had to re-read it after that. grin

Only once I've ever tasted lobster - it was delicious <drool>

I'm more of a crab-stick girl though. Life on a budget and all that smile

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 25-May-13 11:15:16

I used to love crab sticks, but cant stand them now.

I like lobster and all things seafood, but cant stand having to deshell them to get to my food. I like it 'insant' ie on my plate ready to scoff! grin

LNM you can pm me when you fancy a cuppa etc. We are heading up tomorrow. Although if I get my way we are going today. grin I just want to be UP THERE now.

CabbageLeaves Sat 25-May-13 12:34:24

Lobster would be fine grin

KalevalaForMePlease Sat 25-May-13 13:53:00

I am sorry to interject, I am a long time lurker, I log on thinking, how Is LNM today? But I had to come on to say, Cabbage, that was beautiful. You have said it all, summed it all up so well; life, love, marriage. Well done. thanks (And LNM, while I'm here, you are fantastic, keep going, we're all behind you)

lazarusb Sat 25-May-13 14:13:10

The bad days will become fewer over time, unfortunately it can take a long time. I hope your ex has realised that contacting the police was a big step for you and he begins to respect boundaries which need to be there for your own sanity. Take this at your own pace. See a solicitor when and if you want to. If you feel threatened, call the police.

Start to concentrate on what went right with your day, however small. Something the girls did or said, the traffic, the green light instead of's the little things that can make a difference either way. It might sound daft but it those that got me through the tougher times in my life. Sometimes just getting up, showered and dressed was actually quite a big achievement for me.

LoserNoMore Sat 25-May-13 17:17:40

Cabbage, you speak sense.. If I wasn't on MN I'd give you a big sloppy smooch!

I'm sitting in the sun sipping a vodka and coke, feeling half happy half sad. I blame Tracy Chapman. I'm gonna be drink soon! Girls are with ex, my friend has apprehended me with a bottle

LoserNoMore Sat 25-May-13 17:18:45

And as not to ignore anyone, I love you all xx << kisses and everything.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 25-May-13 18:51:37

LNM - you are with friends right? not alone, because if you are alone I say PUT THE BOTTLE DOWN NOW!

If you are with someone then enjoy yourself.

whitesugar Sat 25-May-13 19:47:42

LNM enjoy yourself! Lowercase & Cabbage - really profound words, made me cry in fact. Thank you for posting such lovely thoughts.

imtheonlyone Sat 25-May-13 21:15:06

Lovely words Cabbage and lowercase. Really lovely smile

Good to hear of you sitting in the sun with a drink LNM - you deserve that! I've sat out so long I'm now freezing cold and wrapped up with my fluffy socks on!! Have enjoyed a lovely BBQ only slightly ruined by obnoxious DSS - just waiting for room in my tum for the toblerone cheesecake I made grin

Fairenuff Sat 25-May-13 21:35:40

lowercase I have shared your Mother Theresa words on another thread, hope you don't mind, but they were lovely to read and so inspiring smile

LNM enjoy your evening with your friend. The alcohol must be getting to you if you luffs us all already! grin xx

lowercase Sat 25-May-13 22:27:04

Share away Faire, I'm glad they are appreciated- for me, they put everything back right size.

Good night everybody

LoserNoMore Sat 25-May-13 23:17:56

Totally lissed

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 25-May-13 23:20:37

haha sore head tomorrow I think. Im off to bed, loooooong drive tomorrow. Early start.

Alwayskeptalidon Sun 26-May-13 00:45:49

Night night LNM. Tomorrow's another day. You will be OK. Lots of love from a survivor xx

LittleEsme Sun 26-May-13 07:29:34

Lobster <drool>
Toblerone cheese cake oh dear god <more drool>
Can we STOP with the drooly foods please. grin

How's the head this morning LNM? Your mouth as dry as a camels armpit?!
hehe. Make sure you eat and drink well today.

Did you manage to tell your friend how you feel? Did you tell her what's happened? I've become the type of friend in RL that does the listening - I have few RL friends (even less, since the boom of Facebook, since I don't have an account and can't keep up with everyone sad) so when I see friends, I somehow avoid opening up and instead provide the happy, sometimes funny banter to make people laugh to fend them off asking questions about me.

I hope you've not dodged any questions about your situation LNM? <stern look> You must let you RL friends 'in' to support you.

Anyway, I have a sore throat and a head cold, which in itself is no big deal, BUT I'm in a state of mild panic if I'm honest. I'm really, really fearful of becoming worse and if this little cold creeps down to my chest, I think I'll panic. I truly don't think I could cope with another hospital stint. Gawd.

Ah, ignore me. It's just a momentary whinge, brought on by the food drool no doubt.

Oh, and Lowercase, I can't believe I didn't say sooner: The words you typed from Mother Teresa's children's home (wow - you've been there?)
are awe inspiring. Thanks for sharing.

LittleEsme Sun 26-May-13 07:31:22

And, to the rest of you, since I feel rather fond thoughts when I see all your names popping up.

Mornin' All. <waves>

ooh there's your five year plan then - to be living by the sea. no reason you couldn't make that happen and the plus side of no family is you're not tied to an area.

hope you had a good evening.

i'm taking ds to egypt in july before school holidays start. flights cost a fortune but i'm renting an air con, two bed, wireless, sat tv etc etc apartment for £200 and food etc is dirt cheap. so all in all will still be cheaper than trying to go to centre parcs for a fortnight i reckon. tbf i used to live there so it's not scary unknown and i still have friends there so adult company will exist iyswim.

a couple of years back we did a cheap weak in majorca at an all inclusive, swimming pool centred place and ds absolutely loved it. last year we just had a long weekend in the peak district at a dog friendly b&b close to a friend's house so we weren't a burden on them but could hang out and go there for dinner. the visiting somewhere near a friend you'd like to catch up with works well as you get some nice company and recharge too iyswim.

anyho - happy sunday.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 26-May-13 09:02:39

SAF I fancy el gonna this year. Aug hols. Was thinking villa or apartment. If you have any advice pls pm me. I have thread in short haul topic but traffic is scarce.

LNG hope you aren't too hungover today. We are just about to cross border to Scotland so see you soon

I'm struggling on iPad.

i went there for the day once i think with a boyfriend and his father when he was visiting. if i recall correctly it's a totally self contained development. the people who work there are bused in and searched on the way in and the way out and i can remember feeling uncomfortable about how 'enclaved' it was.

it was very pretty and relaxed - not my sort of place at the time (20's, traveller, nose turning at 'resorts' stage) but it was immaculately clean and relaxed feeling and we had a nice day there.

don't bother with hurghada (closest 'real' town) - boyfriend used to live there (i was over in dahab on the sinai peninsula) and i didn't like it personally. if you want to go out and about and see real egyptian life more i'd probably say go for a hotel resort in sharm that will give you best of both worlds (as in self contained, safe, luxury etc but easy to take a trip out to the bazaars or into bedouin areas). but i would think el gouna would be ideal if you want total chill out resort all the way stuff.

LoserNoMore Sun 26-May-13 10:51:47

Holy hell! I have the hangover from hell, I can't function. I've drank gallons of water and I'm still thirsty. Can't remember going to bed. I do know we ended up in the pub, seemed like a good idea at the time. Bumped into ex colleague who has just left my house

Fairenuff Sun 26-May-13 12:09:49

ex male colleague? grin

Sorry you're feeling rough, keep drinking the water and try to eat. Bread or greasy food will probably help and lots of rest x

lazarusb Sun 26-May-13 12:11:07

Ha! I like your style LNM...are we allowed to ask if ex colleague is male or female? No need to answer if you don't want to!

Keep drinking the water, then try and eat a little at a time...nice and slow.

LittleEsme - I'm a listener but most of my friends will return the favour if I need them to. But there is one who is completely self-obsessed and never manages to take note about anything that isn't about her, including a friend who recently lost her Mum sad You sound like a lovely person smile

imtheonlyone Sun 26-May-13 12:25:30

Haha! Well done LNM!! Do tell more about the ex colleague (if you want to that is!!!! wink)

I would offer you some toblerone cheesecake as there is miraculously some left over and it's done wonders for my hang over this morning wink!!!

I'm feeling a bit fed up today. DP is outside pottering with his canoes, my two DS's and two 'D'SS's are outside playing football and on bikes and stuff. There is an ironing pile as high as the ceiling and the house is a tip .... But why should I be stuck inside on such a gorgeous day when everyone else is enjoying themselves????!!!!

Moan over! Is it sunny where you all are today?

LoserNoMore Sun 26-May-13 12:27:29

Male! Nothing happened, it could have but he said I was far too drunk, ha. There was some kissing though!

Hope you're not feeling too bad LittleEsme. I'm exactly the same as you too. Avoid talking about me to friends. I had a bit if a moan about ex last night to my friend but that's about it.

Have a safe journey Jax.

LoserNoMore Sun 26-May-13 12:33:32

Toblerone cheesecake! I'd kill for some of that right now, imtheonlyone. Just get outside in the sun, leave the ironing for now. It's not as nice here today, I got a bit of colour yesterday. That's summer over, we've had our day.

I'm taking dd's swimming soon, I think I may drown.

lazarusb Sun 26-May-13 12:46:58

Any chance of a recipe for the cheesecake imtheonlyone? Dh loves toblerone & I upset him last night so I need to make it up to him blush

Well done LNM, nothing like a good snog wink Glad he realised and respected you enough not to take advantage because you were drunk. Is this the same one who sent you that e-mail a few weeks back?

lazarusb Sun 26-May-13 12:47:27

Sorry - that's bloody nosey of me, feel free not to answer!

LoserNoMore Sun 26-May-13 12:58:00

I don't mind Lazarus, not nosey at all. And yes, it's the same guy. Nice teeth and shoes good kisser grin

Fairenuff Sun 26-May-13 13:21:32

I was going to ask about the shoes.

< unashamedly nosey > grin

Hmm, a pool crowded with excited children & hangover from hell do not make a good combination LNM. Try not to throw up in the water won't you, it's no fun for the lifeguard when they have to fish it all out with a net. Yuck!

ooh he's more of a gentleman in the flesh than his fb message led us to believe then. a good kissing session is good for the soul.

lazarusb Sun 26-May-13 13:30:21

Ok...well I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt then. A good kisser is always something to be valued grin Saf is right, maybe his earlier message was just a temporary blip!

Enjoy swimming - you're an example to us all, no way would I be in a pool with a hangover. (Then again, I probably would have ended up shagging ex colleague last night too!) blush

imtheonlyone Sun 26-May-13 13:41:58

Good for you LNM - I love a good snog! Enjoy it. So good to hear that he respected you for being too pissed! He could easily have taken advantage of you!

I had swimming lessons this morning - well not me, DS did but I had to take him and it was hot and I got the hangover sweats. It was nasty. Do feel for you!

Cheesecake was amazing ... And very simple!

100g butter
200g choc digestives

Bash biscuits and mix with melted butter. Put in bottom of dish

300g cream cheese
200g whipped cream
200g toblerone

Give cheese a good stir till nice and smooth. Add whipped cream. Stir in melted toblerone and put on top of biscuits. Chill. Drink glass of wine. Open fridge and cut yourself a good old slice. Chill - with wine and cheeeeeeesecake!!!! Yum! Enjoy!

LoserNoMore Sun 26-May-13 13:49:11

Lazarus, if I had my way I would have! Apparently I was pretty keen blush I probably won't hear from him again...his email was cringe but he is a nice guy.

I wish I could get out of swimming but I did promise. I've offered the cinema instead but they're having none of it!

lazarusb Sun 26-May-13 13:59:08

LNM - good for you! Still glad he didn't take advantage of you though. I hope you can remember some of the good bits grin

Thank you for the recipe, imtheonlyone. Should go some way to cheering him up a bit...sounds delicious to me!

Fairenuff Sun 26-May-13 14:30:38

Cheesecake sounds lush. Going to see if ds would like to make one this afternoon.

Then I'd better get skipping!

imtheonlyone Sun 26-May-13 16:01:22

Just typed out a message and it appears to have lost it!! Cheesecake is proper gorgeous! But skipping is probably recommended afterwards - although I would wait till tomorrow wink

Hope the handover is passing LNM - how did you leave it with ex colleague? Your story has made me smile!

I've decided to ignore the housework completely today - apart from the loads of washing on the line! I've just poured myself a pimms and sitting in the garden reading a book shock It's been years since I read a book for pleasure wink

LittleEsme Sun 26-May-13 16:29:44

LNM gringringringringrin

CabbageLeaves Sun 26-May-13 18:47:46

Good for you LNM! Snogging whahay grin

I'm in a cottage in Cornwall. £300 for the week (my share of 3 family cottage). Hot day on the coast path, beach, roast and a raspberry baked cheesecake... About to walk the dog to the village and back and then board games with DD and early night.

When If it rains, the week might get slightly less idyllic

CabbageLeaves Sun 26-May-13 18:51:07

I have a book on the go imtheonlyone. Unusual for me as well. I love reading but am often too tired or busy.

I love cooking so this sort of break suits me. The main flaw is entertaining DD. She likes constant attention which can be hard work and I feel guilty letting the others entertain because their DC are not so needy (older)

Areyoumadorisitme Sun 26-May-13 19:10:08

Pleased to see you had fun last night! grin

PyroclasticFlo Sun 26-May-13 19:51:33

Been unable to get near laptop for a few days but very happy to see you're having fun LNM! smile Good on yer, girl. Snogging rules!! wink

lazarusb Sun 26-May-13 20:25:01

I hope you're feeling a bit less hungover at this end of the day smile

LoserNoMore Sun 26-May-13 20:45:53

Swimming nearly killed me but I'm feeling a bit more human like.

Hope you have a good week Cabbage and it stays dry.

Imtheonlyone, he took my number and text me earlier. He said he knows I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now but he'd like to hang out and get to know me more so shall see what happens. I'm defintely not up for anything heavy right and it's good he knows it.

imtheonlyone Sun 26-May-13 21:23:18

Well he sounds like a decent enough bloke? At least he text you (tick), he respects your situation (tick), he clearly fancies you (tick!!) and he's a good kisser (tick!). So all good grin. If nothing else a boost to your system which is welcome?

Well done for getting out swimming - I was tired just watching DS this morning!! I probably should have joined them in the pool - especially given the Chinese I've just eaten confused!! I'm stuffed now and a little worried I won't have room for the final slice of cheesecake!!!!!!! wink

LoserNoMore Sun 26-May-13 21:59:25

Oh I've been thinking about that cheesecake all day! I'll need to make it next week.

Yeah he ticks a few boxes, and surprised he text me actually. Apparently I was doing actual cartwheels on the way home from the pub blush I hate when vague memories from the night before start coming back to you! Hasn't seemed to put him off anyway.

HerrenaLovesStarTrek Sun 26-May-13 22:01:45

Delurking to say that I'm glad you are having some fun LNM - I have been here from the start and have been quietly admiring your fortitude and dignity.

Well maybe not so much dignity when you nutted the bath, but definitely fortitude grin

Oh and thank you to imtheonlyone for the cheesecake recipe, will be trying that very soon!

CabbageLeaves Mon 27-May-13 07:52:47

Cartwheels grin

My first relationship was very much on my terms of letting him know what a crap situation I was in, he'd be booted out if he so much as sneezed when I didn't want to be disturbed and don't expect anything from me.

He was the kindest, most supportive healing thing to happen. I didn't treat him badly but nor did I care about him. He listened, treated me and gave me a lot of fun and good sex to counter the crap times. Gradually I started to care but only when I was ready to let it happen

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 27-May-13 11:49:48

Holy crap. I travel 400 miles & read this.

Well done lnm. Glad u had a good time. I've woke up today with what seems like chest infection! Have sent kids & dh off to visit I laws & his brothers lot. Spending time with my mum & will pop up to nursing home to see my dad later.

I'm still up for coffee if u fancy it.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 27-May-13 11:52:29

SAF. We did real Egypt in Luxor. This time we just need to chill out. El gouna looks ok. I don't want to go to sharm. Don't fancy it at all.

CabbageLeaves Mon 27-May-13 17:29:09

The rain is lashing down. I've slept all afternoon. Needed that smile

Missed the start of Monopoly. Even better.

mrshectic Mon 27-May-13 17:48:36

I've been watching your threads and I just wanted to say I think ur truly amazing......its hard to find inner strength when u need it most, ur children are very lucky to have u.

lazarusb Mon 27-May-13 18:19:51

LNM - sounds pretty good to me, all in a weekend's work. You could have a bit of fun with him, just for you. He sounds sensible enough to realise your situation but clearly still likes you and wants to make sure you know that before you get snapped up by someone else grin

Glad it was a positive one for you! wine

if it's chill out you want i'm sure it will be perfect. i wouldn't fancy sharm either personally - most i've done is spend a night there.

hope you're enjoying your weekend lnm and good luck for back to work tomorrow. hope the strange quiet period continues.

imtheonlyone Mon 27-May-13 22:59:47

No one around tonight?

Hope you're ok LNM?!

I'm in mourning - just polished off the cheesecake!! Gutted its all gone!! Ha!!

bleedingheart Tue 28-May-13 07:17:42

Yey! Not only can you put up a fence, skip and trampoline-you can do cartwheels too! Go LNM!

I'm glad you had a goodnight out, I seem to remember defending cringey-email guy before. I think he sounds alright. Have fun!

CabbageLeaves Tue 28-May-13 07:49:41

Lol at cringey-email-guy. Morning

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 28-May-13 09:43:47

I'm carless until weds. God sake. I'm knack erred & got chest infection! Hope all ok.

LittleEsme Tue 28-May-13 20:06:29

Jax <concerned>
have you got antibiotics???

imtheonlyone Tue 28-May-13 21:18:36

Sorry to hear of the chest infection Jax? That's not good. Hope you're being looked after. What happened to your car?

LNM - are you ok? Your silence worries me wink

LoserNoMore Tue 28-May-13 22:51:50

Hi, I'm having a nightmare week sad

Work is back to its usual shitty self. Ex is being a dick and I have a bloody kidney infection. I'm an absolute wreck.

Hope you're not feeling too bad Jax. Not sure if I'll manage that coffee this week but I'll pm you if I can.

skyeskyeskye Tue 28-May-13 23:03:01

sad hope you feel better soon.

how is X being a dick... can you tell him to sod off?

Xales Tue 28-May-13 23:04:51

Your ex is always a dick. It is his natural state. Change his name in your phone to that.

imtheonlyone Tue 28-May-13 23:08:28

I was worried something was up hmm. Sorry to hear all that LNM. What's the twunt up to now?? Hope you get some rest and are feeling better soon. Worried about you - take it easy thanks

LoserNoMore Tue 28-May-13 23:53:22

Oh just turning nasty. Word spreads, he heard I had a guy back after the pub. Apparently I'm a slut. Trying not to let him get to me but can't help it. Didn't even shag the guy ffs, not that it matters but still.

skyeskyeskye Wed 29-May-13 00:10:04

If you get any grief, tell him not that its any of his business, but your morals as not as low as his. You had a friend round for coffee. he shagged another woman. As far as sluttish behaviour goes, he wins..........

Loulybelle Wed 29-May-13 01:49:24

LNM, Just dont reply, dont reply him, his sister, twats involved, just dont engage at all, its not their business and never will be.

Just remember, your so great, that he is now kicking himself that hes lost you, well tough fucking shit, he made his bed and i hope he changed the sheets.

WeAreSix Wed 29-May-13 07:15:25

You're a slut?! Ok......

He is totally clueless.

buildingmycorestrength Wed 29-May-13 07:32:54

Does it help to remember that he is really not normal, and everything he says or does should be seen as symptomatic of a diseased mind? grin

His opinion is worthless.

It is as if a two-year old called you a horrid mummy because you said no more sweets. Except of course, you like the two-year old, mostly.

Hope your infection gets sorted soon.thanks

CabbageLeaves Wed 29-May-13 08:05:07

Expect this sort of reaction and then it won't be such a shock LNM

If he was a fully decent man he wouldn't have had an affair. His sense of entitlement means he has in his own head, excused the affair with any excuse under the sun ranging from it wasn't a real affair, she drove me to it, everyone does it, I didn't love the OW, I was a good husband and it was only sex. This latest behaviour is part of that minimising. Deflecting blame from himself rather than face up to his own failing.

Live your own life and shut him out as much as possible. The best advice you can have is to make a boundary bigger than the Berlin Wall so he cannot affect you. All arrangements regarding contact can be made via e-mail. Refuse to discuss anything face to face and enforce penalties. If he tries to talk face to face refuse to meet in the same situation. Be unreasonable. You have the right to be so. You have the right to shag half the village if you choose. It's not you who broke up a family. It may seem harsh but it will set a standard which means you can both move on.

You need to look after yourself. Put yourself first

Fairenuff Wed 29-May-13 08:08:50

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

He is just trying to wind you up to get a reaction out of you.

It's none of his business who stays in your house, or anyone else's business either. Don't tell him anything, leave him guessing, it will drive him round the bend.

At least this might make him finally realise it's over and you are moving on.

He must feel very foolish telling people that he's just did 'something silly' and you will forgive him when you've had some time to get over it. And he must be kicking himself for being such an idiot.

Hope you feel better soon LNM, I take it you've got antibiotics? You too Jax, take care of yourselves.

CabbageLeaves Wed 29-May-13 08:12:08

Is moving house worth considering as a goal? A new life, new job away from this? Or too stressful maybe

totally predictable and do you remember a while back i said that they only seem to 'get' it when they think you've shagged someone else? it's like they can then see you as sullied and get over you by thinking of you as a slut fallen way off the pedestal.

and it's one rule for him and another for a woman - his affair is a mistake that you're mean to not forgive - you snogging a man AFTER you've split up makes you a whore.

ignore the horrible little man.

imtheonlyone Wed 29-May-13 08:54:57

Agree with all the others who've posted above. Ignore, ignore, ignore. The 'did she, didn't she?' Will drive him bonkers. And it is non of his business anymore!!

I know it hurts, it will do, but this behaviour is all to minimise his blame for the break up. There is clearly no getting through to the man that he's done all of this not you. Don't let it stop you living your life as you wish to though. And don't let it stop you seeing this guy again if that's what you want to do. You can hold your head high because you know that you've done absolutely nothing wrong. You are a beautiful single lady living her life. To hell with him and his opinions and his stupid bloody family!! It's pointless trying to reason with him clearly so just ignore and get on with what you're doing. Because you're doing fine in what is one of the most difficult times of your life. And that is all his fault. So if his nose has been out out a bit - then boo hoo to him!!

Sorry! I mean, the bloody cheek of the man! Hope the infection isn't too awful - that won't help.

You could give me his number and I'll tell him what a fucking prick he is shock!!! wink

LoserNoMore Wed 29-May-13 08:55:47

I'm trying not to rise to his insults. Another classic one "remember you're a mother". I did nearly pee myself at that one. Funny how he forgot he was a father for months on end. "Remember you were my husband and shagging someone else" shut him up. Prick.

I have antibiotics fairenuff hopefully they'll start working soon.

I'd love to move away cabbage, it's something I'm seriously considering.

Fairenuff Wed 29-May-13 09:00:15

Going off on a tangent a bit but there are often threads on mn where one party is considering cheating on their partner because, although they are mostly happy in their marriage, they have met their 'soulmate', or are 'in love' with or 'irrestibly drawn to' someone else hmm

Anyway, lots of these posters say that they don't want to break up their marriage. The partner is a good mother/father, they are financially stable, they love their partner (just not crazy about them anymore), etc.

They think that they can cheat and keep it a secret. This thread just shows how it can all blow up in their face once the affair is discovered.

I don't understand that kind of thinking at all. If you don't want to end your marriage, don't cheat. The sense of entitlement is beyond belief.

LittleEsme Wed 29-May-13 09:04:21

LNM good response to your ex.
He's still blaming you. I agree with everything everyone has said. Ignore ignore ignore.

A urine infection will drag you down. Drink enough water and make sure you take every single tablet <stern voice>

If moving is something you'd go for, I'll help you pack. Seriously thanks

Fairenuff Wed 29-May-13 09:06:46

"Remember you were my husband and shagging someone else"

That must have been quite satisfying. He really doesn't have a leg to stand on. He will hate the thought that another man could have what he can't. And there's no way he can 'get back at you' because you don't care what he does with his life now.

A move to somewhere on the coast sounds like something to start planning for. Are you nearish anywhere coastal where it wouldn't be too much hassle for the girls to still spend weekends with him?

buildingmycorestrength Wed 29-May-13 09:20:41

God, you're good with the comebacks. You should consider a career in standup.

I would NEVER be able to think that fast under pressure, let alone comebacks so wittily phrased, turning his words back on him, etc, yet you do it over and over. Your secret, please?

ah the mother pedestal. mother's shouldn't have sex lives or be sexual or have fun in any way then? hmm what a prick. he just keeps showing you his awful sense of entitlement and just how far he has internalised the bullshit of male privilege, female subjugation.

you are supposed to be a virgin madonna don't you know! existing only to soothe and comfort your husband and children, forgiving all wrongs and sacrificing yourself willingly with a gentle smile upon your lips.

do fuck off loser.

LoserNoMore Wed 29-May-13 09:54:26

Saf, that's exactly it! As if.

It's something I'll never understand either, Fairenuff. It's so selfish. It was satisfying saying that to him. I used to live near the coast, I liked it there, I'm going to have a nosey at some houses! Not too far away either but there's nothing keeping me here. No family, job is shit,girls would love being near the beach.

I may hold you to that LittleEsme.

grin core strength. I don't know. I usually think of a comeback about a day later but I was so angry and it just came out.

Loulybelle Wed 29-May-13 10:09:07

LNM, go for it, time to do something for you and your girls.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 29-May-13 10:13:27

Morning all. Lnm. Just catching up. Omg. What a prick! Love your comeback.

I'm sorry your not well too. I'm on sudafed. No antibiotics but think I'm ok. Got sexy weird voice.

Lnm. We will get together next time. No worries. I will be back up.

LittleEsme Wed 29-May-13 10:14:35

LNM, nothing clears my mind more than a walk along the beach, whatever the weather. Make it your aim.

Things will improve. They will.

lazarusb Wed 29-May-13 10:29:57

angry Unfortunately this seems to be part of the usual script they follow. I told my ex I was seeing someone else and he said 'I'm prepared to take you back as long as you haven't fucked him'. hmm I pointed out that I'd left him because I didn't want to be with him any more and I didn't want him to take me back! Then the accusations and insults started to fly.

I'm glad about your comeback, absolutely perfect smile I'm glad you didn't try to explain or justify yourself. Wasn't OW a mother? But it was ok to shag her of course...he has no one to blame but himself.

Just a you have a local football/rugby team? I seriously think you should invite them all round the next time he has contact, as well as a local reporter to do a lovely, salacious write up. That would give him something to think about wink grin

LoserNoMore Wed 29-May-13 16:35:14

God Lazarus, your ex sounds as bad as mine! I'd love to do that with the local team, his face would be a picture grin

Same here LittleEsme, I could live on an actual beach. I'd love a beach house, one of those ones on a quiet beach you see in the movies. Me and the girls sitting outside wrapped in a blanket watching the waves, maybe a wee dog running around...pure heaven. <wakes up from dream>

Sorry I missed you this time Jax.

jax do you like garlic? or more to the point can you stand it? it's a great natural antibiotic. if you can bear it and can get ingredients you need to steep chopped/crushed raw garlic and raw ginger in water and add lemon juice and a spoonful of honey for taste and drink cups of the stuff. really does do the trick. you need to leave the crushed/chopped garlic out in the open air for ten minutes first though as the reaction with oxygen creates the antibiotic element (forgotten the name). appreciate with no car this may be a daydream.

i want to live by the sea too! i'm also toying with the idea of relocating to scotland at the end of primary school (if they're still doing free HE by that point).

yep lazarus - seems to be a common male theme - once another man has 'had' you there is no turning back. seems women are to men like this what lamposts are to male dogs hmm

bit of overshare here but i talk to you guys everyday so it seems natural to tell you my news. i have a surgery date for breast reduction next friday and i am terrified. also panicking about child and animals and managing stuff.

LoserNoMore Wed 29-May-13 18:34:01

Oh SAF, try not to worry, easier said than done I know. Do you have plenty of support you can rely on? It is kind of exciting too, have you been waiting long?

i've just had a voicemail from my mother saying, 'she is terribly busy that weekend' so am now in full panic mode.

no i've been thinking about it for years but once i decided it's all come about quite quickly. i've had to go private.

LoserNoMore Wed 29-May-13 18:58:19

That's a bit crap. Don't panic, is there anyone else?

there is another mum at school who knows i'm waiting for a surgery date and is the sort who'd want to help i think but i hate the thought of asking - feel it's too much to ask of non family. i am really shit at asking for help

lazarusb Wed 29-May-13 19:33:47

Ask! I have friends who have needed help in the past but haven't asked. It's made me feel terrible afterwards, most of the time it really wouldn't have put me out. I'm grateful to the friends that do ask, they make me feel valued smile I'm glad you've had a date SAF, don't throw it away!

My ex is a whole new thread. Definitely saw me as a lamppost! It wouldn't have been half as funny if he hadn't asked 3 months previously if we could separate for 3 months that Summer so he & his friend could shag foreign students...I told if I went I wouldn't be back. Word is, he didn't shag anyone that Summer, even though he was single! grin

LoserNoMore Wed 29-May-13 20:30:23

Bite the bullet and ask, SAF. Bet she'll be happy to help out.

LoserNoMore Wed 29-May-13 20:32:02

Oops posted too soon.

Lazarus, Summer of Love didn't quite go to plan eh grin bummer!

imtheonlyone Wed 29-May-13 21:55:07

Lazarus - just ask! Sounds like you have enough to stress about so get it sorted wink that's an order! I hope it all goes well for you.

LNM are you feeling any better?
Jax - are you feeling any better?

I've had a totally crap day today. I'm a carer and one of my clients (husband and wife team) the husband died two weeks ago. Was the funeral today and the family paid for me to attend to care for their mum. Was awfully emotional and I was the one who was supposed to hold it all together!! Can't stand funerals. Wishing there was some of that cheesecake left - sure could do with a slice wink!!

On a happier note, me, my mum and my two gorgeous boys are off to Disneyland Paris next tues grin

imtheonlyone Wed 29-May-13 21:56:05

Oooops, mean SAF not Lazarus!!! Such a pain when you respond on an iPhone you can read through the thread! Sorry! thanks

LoserNoMore Wed 29-May-13 22:20:04

Sounds like a sad day imtheonlyone sad You'll need to keep an emergency stash of cheesecake.

I still feel a bit sore and shivery (if that's how you spell it) been drinking lots of water today which I'm really bad for. Worrying about being off work again too. Driving me mad.

Also spent most of the day trying to call the tax office. I received a tax coding notice and they have put me on code D0 which means they take 40% tax! Been panicking all day but she said its obviously an error and that code is used for 2nd jobs usually, phew. My employer hasn't started using the tax code yet but I'm due to get paid tomorrow and she said they might take 40% until its sorted which is going to mess up all my bills.

Sorry went off on a tangent there.

Fairenuff Wed 29-May-13 22:46:59

Saf ask the other mum. I used to say to my friends, "I'm glad you've asked because I know that you will be happy for me to ask for help when I need it too". Everyone needs a bit of help with childcare now and again.

Maybe your mum could have him whilst you recover at home after the op?

Fairenuff Wed 29-May-13 22:53:25

theonly sorry to hear you've had a sad day. Thank goodness for people like you, the carers of the world, where would we be without you. The work you do is priceless.

LNM if you are shivery you should probably get some antibiotics. That sounds like the infection is taking hold. Try not to worry about work (difficult I know), your health has to take priority.

thistlelicker Thu 30-May-13 09:21:33

How are you feeling today?

lazarusb Thu 30-May-13 11:19:40

Hi LMN. Try drinking some cranberry juice if you can, I've always found that useful for kidney/utis. Might be worth giving your GP a call and arranging a prescription though. Kidney infections are so horrible. Take it easy, if you need time off, you need time off...I know it's easier said than done but you need to put yourself above work, for the sake of your dds if no-one else.

lazarusb Thu 30-May-13 11:21:06

Trust the tax man to screw up when you least need him to (obviously a man!).

Do you need a short term loan in the meantime or do you think you can manage?

LittleEsme Thu 30-May-13 13:43:19

How are you feeling today, LNM?

LoserNoMore Thu 30-May-13 14:11:04

I'm ok, been watching a few movies. Watching The Omen now, nice cheery film grin

I got an application form through the post for a job so filled it in and posted it, fingers crossed. It involves weekend work but that gives me a couple of days off midweek which means I get to pick dd's up from school. Only thing is arranging with ex to maybe have girls the weekends I have to work. I'll figure something out if need be.

I'm on a course of anti b's Lazarus so should be feeling better soon.

LoserNoMore Thu 30-May-13 14:23:18

Check this out! Waaaay too expensive but I want!

EverythibgisonmyMurtaughlist Thu 30-May-13 15:36:06

Ooooh love the stair case!!!

lazarusb Thu 30-May-13 15:56:51

Ooh...very nice. I want to cook in that kitchen! Hope you do start feeling better soon. Fingers crossed for the job.

CabbageLeaves Thu 30-May-13 17:15:26

I can see me reclining in that conservatory whilst someone brings me a GnT

My hols in Cornwall is starting to jar. The other two families are lovely but I am possibly born to be a hermit and live in isolation from the world. Today is testing my ability to be polite and like myself. I have decided I'm fat, irritable, slovenly and unsociable. Alternatively I am laid back and a curvaceous sexy woman, sharp of mind and only taking idiots for prisoners and my domestic standards are due to my laid back and hospitable nature rather than slovenly after all.

I have opened a cold Magners craving alcohol to get me through the week is also making me think I might be an alcoholic to encourage me in the latter way of thinking

LoserNoMore Thu 30-May-13 18:01:10

Cabbage you sound just like me! I've been on holiday with other people TWICE, what possessed me to do it a second time is beyond me.

When I win the lottery you're more than welcome to enjoy a GnT in that conservatory. <such a dreamer>

lazarusb Thu 30-May-13 18:12:01

Well if Cabbage is having G&T I'm definitely cooking something nice for dinner followed by Brownies. I've always wanted a holiday home in Scotland...<have possibly overstepped mark> grin

LoserNoMore Thu 30-May-13 18:15:18

Fancy going halfers, Lazarus? grin

CabbageLeaves Thu 30-May-13 18:45:32

Hmmm. We can all chip in and time share! <owner of brilliant but hopeless ideas>

I am counting down the hours now. Big groups on hols are lovely in theory but it takes 3 hours to reach a consensus and herd people out of the door and then being a large group ambling around a little fishing village is utterly impossible. It's bad enough doing it as a family

Cooking and cleaning seems to be uneven and of different standards or differing effort.

I have cooked and cleaned up. Happy to do that. One chap reads his paper for all of this activity. One woman has hoovered, done laundry and started talking about dusting. The latter annoyed me more than the lazy guy

I have cuddled my DD and decided to be single mother in a family of two (with two fled the nest adult DDs) rather than ever share a house in an uncomfortable manner

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 30-May-13 18:51:05

Hi all. My nieces new place is fantastic. I'm in heaven here.

Feel much better today which is good. I'm sorry we didn't manage to have cocktails coffee but when I'm next up alone we can go out.

That house in Troon was near a friend of mine years ago.

Still struggling on mini iPad. Got to go now kids are wanting stuff.

LoserNoMore Thu 30-May-13 20:49:33

Glad you're having a good time and feeling better, Jax.

Oh a MN retreat, Cabbage. Although your last sentence makes me think you wouldn't be up for that wink

i'll take a week in august please on the timeshare.

do you think they allow dogs?

LittleEsme Fri 31-May-13 08:03:01

SaF you're up shockingly early grin
You ok?

LNM lovely property although I must admit I'm more of a smaller cottage type cos it's less to clean gringrin

LittleEsme Fri 31-May-13 08:03:34

Will still happily go for MN timeshare though smile

esme yes i'm fine just always up early - having a baby seemed to permanently reset my body clock - used to love my lie ins but am now an early bird.

a friend offered to have ds for the weekend btw which is huge relief. now just have to deal with the dogs. braving asking my newish neighbour who keeps going on about how much he loves dogs.

LittleEsme Fri 31-May-13 08:34:09

Oh good. Well done you. I don't like asking either, but I'd be sad if someone in need felt they couldn't ask me for help.

I know what you mean re body clocks and children. I think it's why I love camping hols so much cos it wears the little ones our so much, they usually sleep past 9. Luxury!

CabbageLeaves Fri 31-May-13 08:48:17

I would have your dawg SaF. I can PM you my location if it helped.

A MN retreat would be ace. I can tell by the power of virtual relationships that none of you dust and you all drink wine. We'll be fine!

LoserNoMore Fri 31-May-13 08:57:10

LittleEsme, if I could afford that I'd hire a cleaner, and a gardener!

Definitely dogs allowed ,SAF (although german sheperds scare me to death) I'm glad you've managed to arrange some help next week. What a relief.

imtheonlyone Fri 31-May-13 08:58:47

Dust? Dust? wink

That place looks gorgeous!! I'd like to think that if I could afford a place like that I could also afford a cleaner so cleaning issues would not be a problem grin. Bet we would have a proper laugh there - and plenty of good food and wine grin

Glad everyone is feeling better. We're off to the Lake District later - camping weekend with no kids wink. Have properly missed my boys this week they've been at their dads all week and not back till Sunday. Although (bear with me Cabbage) <whispers> I have tidied both their bedrooms!!! If it helps - there was at least an inch of dust under their beds and on the wardrobes wink!!!!

Good news is, my mum is taking me and my two boys to Disneyland on tues!!! Boys are off school for two weeks this half term!! Can't bloody wait!!

LoserNoMore Fri 31-May-13 09:12:21

Lucky thing, imtheonlyone. I'm very jealous, the girls are desperate to go to Disneyland. Hope you have a great time.

We used to go camping a lot, only thing is the midges here. I had to take a week off work once I was bitten so much and had a horrible allergic reaction. Kinda put me off, Scottish midges are EVIL! So many beautiful places to camp a d the little fuckers spoil it.

Been thinking about this MN retreat far too much and if I won the lottery I don't think Troon is good enough. A place in the South of France is more like it!

lovely -enjoy yourself imtheonlyone.

i'm not a good camper in the real sense of the world - unless you mean losing consciousness in a tent at a festival and it's been a long time since i've done that!

south of france would do. my ex bils aunt owns a champagnerie and you can have what labels you want put on the bottles so we can swing by hers and pick up our personalised bottles on the way.

cabbage two dogs - one black lab sweetheart and one manic but lovable lhassa apso. doubt you're anywhere near me but thanks smile

lazarusb Fri 31-May-13 09:41:45

Well, Cabbage, you've got me sussed grin

Would love to go halves but might have to wait until my degree finishes and I get a job (which is obviously guaranteed!). Now, I can't promise anything but half of my family come from the South of France. I stand to inherit some property out there (maybe another 10 years or so?). Once we've modernised and put in a swimming pool, it would be a fab MN retreat. Although there are a LOT of mozzies out there...

then you'll have to invite me - i'm a mozzie magnet - no one within a five mile radius of me gets bitten. i on the other hand get eaten alive and then have allergic reactions to the bites and usually end up with elephant ankles that look like they should be in those tie up shoes all the old ladies used to wear.

LoserNoMore Fri 31-May-13 11:13:54

I really need to stop dreaming and get back to reality grin

A champagnerie! Sounds great. I've never encountered a mozzie before but I bet they'd love me.

lazarusb Fri 31-May-13 11:41:28

Mozzies are just great. My Grandmother contracted malaria in the South of France 30 years ago - not good! The property does need some work but will be nice eventually. Not withstanding the fact that there are 3 elderly relatives still alive in it that need to die before it comes to mey brother and I!

Scottish midges, ah, I have fond memories of them too...

PyroclasticFlo Fri 31-May-13 14:44:48

Hi all, I'm literally just back from camping in Norfolk where it was about 5 degrees, foggy and damp the entire time. What a joy. We (let's face it, I) now have a huge wet tent to dry, about 6 loads of washing to do and two very grubby children who are glued to the TV making up for a week without it!

There were mozzies aplenty but I managed to keep most of the little buggers at bay with home made anti-bug spray (a little spray bottle with water, tea tree, eucalyptus, lavender and citronella essential oils in, works a treat).

I barely know where to begin unpacking and sorting out. Not helped by tummy ache because I couldn't poo in the campsite toilets and haven't been since Tuesday shock

Can I come on the MN retreat? I'm totally OCD about housework so I'll do the dusting for everyone, I don't mind as long as you feed me plenty of wine grin

CabbageLeaves Fri 31-May-13 16:16:01

Sounds like a great holiday Pyro grin

Marmite (ingested...not smeared over your body) is supposed to deter Mozzies

Of course marmite smeared would also work

LoserNoMore Fri 31-May-13 16:41:14

Oh god PF, bet you're glad to be back with your home comforts! Hopefully you'll have a sunny weekend to get the washing out.

PyroclasticFlo Fri 31-May-13 17:35:29

You have no idea how glad I am to be home! Fourth load of washing is in the machine, the previous three on the line / airers, and two more to go... Still at least I've had a bath and a poo and feel a bit more human grin

What are you all up to for the weekend? Anything exciting planned? My life will be taken up with washing for the foreseeable future I think!

PyroclasticFlo Fri 31-May-13 17:36:15

And thanks for the Marmite tip, can you imagine the amount of washing I'd have to do if I tried the smearing technique?? shock

CabbageLeaves Fri 31-May-13 17:39:32

The weekend? Relishing my bed!

Hopefully a good walk with the dog and I might go and swim in a local river if it stays warm

LoserNoMore Fri 31-May-13 17:54:08

It has rained here since lunchtime, proper thundery showers. No plans for the weekend which I'm happy about. Dd3 has a Rainbows Big Lunch on Sunday and that's it. They are looking for parent helpers so I'm going to drop and run! Forecast for tomorrow is 12 degrees with sunny spells also known as a Scottish summer!

scottish summer puts me off a bit despite the tuition fees.

have been for my pre op assessment today - no signs of infection and fighting fit if slightly low blood pressure but that's normal for me and convinces me i better keep smoking or it will be dangerously low grin

feel quite reassured by having talked through what happens to me on the day and what aftercare there is if anything goes wrong. i also feel a lot lighter now i've paid rather than still torturing myself over whether i could justify spending all that money just on little old me and my back problems hmm

pyro i'm ok with you doing the housework so long as you don't do it in a guilt-inducing fashion. i will gladly bring you plenty of wine so long as someone else is a lover of cooking. i'm sporting a horrible burn at the minute from my last attempt at a home cooked proper meal.

LoserNoMore Fri 31-May-13 18:26:17

I can't cook at all so I'd leave that to someone else. So I can't cook, hate cleaning...I'll just have to entertain with my trampolining skills!

I always feel guilty Cabbage after spending money on myself. Just think of a life with no more back ache. And bra shopping!

and clothes shopping for clothes you can wear with small boobs!

LoserNoMore Fri 31-May-13 19:20:18

SAF! I called you cabbage. Not even had wine, sorry.

PyroclasticFlo Fri 31-May-13 19:50:22

I'd give my right arm for a life without back pain, let alone a large amount of cash! Sounds like a wise decision SAF.

I'll happily clean without inducing guilt as long as there's wine. I only do the old martyr-ish huffing and puffing while cleaning if a) no-one appreciates it and b) there's no wine.

Can we live on salads and take-aways while LNM astonishes with her cartwheels and trampolining excellence?

don't think i'd give my right arm but will happily give a good chunk of my breasts grin it may not end my back issue totally but it will definitely help and at least with that eliminated if it carries on i can investigate what to do to help it without it being undone by bra strain iyswim.

no worries lnm i knew you meant me.

i'm pretty sure someone offered cooking skills earlier - can't remember who but they said they wanted to cook in that kitchen.

LoserNoMore Fri 31-May-13 20:07:12

You're right SAF, it was Lazarus. Sorted!

CabbageLeaves Fri 31-May-13 21:46:17

I like cooking smile. Just not every night...after work...for unappreciative child who says I don't liiiiiike that

I make a mean curry from scratch, chocolate roulade... Chicken chorizo jambalaya with baked raspberry cheesecake, beef casserole with red wine and mushrooms and fruit and almond macaroon meringue thingy.

Washing machine is on and I'm probably 3 loads behind Pyro

Chooks are happy

SaF big decision but the right one by the sounds of it

lazarusb Fri 31-May-13 21:49:15

Yep, still up for cooking smile ..and drinking wine grin

LoserNoMore Fri 31-May-13 22:22:15

Sounds good, and a constant supply of Toblerone cheesecake.

Cabbage, "I don't like that" drives me nuts. I'd be as well making tuna pasta every frigging night, empty plates every time.

LittleEsme Fri 31-May-13 22:46:40

You sorted your dog sitters yet, SaF?

Re the MN retreat - can I come? I'm a child magnet (they seem to love me the weirdo's) and I can entertain you with my skipping ropewink

CabbageLeaves Fri 31-May-13 22:50:57

Tuna pasta is DD's all time favourite

CabbageLeaves Fri 31-May-13 22:52:15

LittleEsme if you are a child magnet can you come and live with me. scratch that... door wink

LoserNoMore Fri 31-May-13 22:52:57

Of course LittleEsme! You can conduct skipping lessons in the huge garden. We'll be watching of course. I very nearly tried out the space hooper on the trampoline earlier but thought better of it...

LoserNoMore Fri 31-May-13 22:54:34

I'm quite fond myself, Cabbage. I prefer mine with chips and 1/2 a kilo of grated cheese on top though blush

LittleEsme Fri 31-May-13 23:04:33

I very nearly tried out the spacehopper on the trampoline


Are you insane woman??



LoserNoMore Fri 31-May-13 23:16:35

Ha, it was tempting, trying to bounce above the height of the net seemed like a challenge. Spoilsport wink

skyeskyeskye Fri 31-May-13 23:42:15

LNM - my Dd has been on the trampoline with her spacehopper. She is 5. It did not end well....

I would like to join this retreat, although ten years sounds like an awful long wait.....

Bore alert - regarding your tax code, now that employers are using Real Time Information and filing weekly or monthly returns, you should receive a correct tax code fairly quickly.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 01-Jun-13 09:05:46

Hi all. Still in Scotland going home tomorrow. Internet intermittent but none of us want to go home. Love it here with my niece & her family. We been up hills surveying their new estate. Huge & just wonderful. House looks onto a loch.

Oh we'll back to England tomorrow.

Hope everyone well. Weather been lovely here.

CabbageLeaves Sat 01-Jun-13 10:17:41

was tempting, trying to bounce above the height of the net seemed like a challenge. Anyone else sensing more to the 'shower incident' that she hasn't told us ?????

I have skipped on the trampoline. I was thinking of you lot as I did it grin

House overlooking a loch sounds idyllic

whoever does the cooking will have to not mind that they need to cook and serve all the ingredients separately for my ds. eg. he loves pasta, sausage and vegetables but if you were to serve him a sausage pasta bake he would balk. pita.

i'm really not sure what i'm contributing to this endeavour - i have a nice singing voice apparently, i can roll everyone cigarettes and i can promise you'll never have to drink alone.

no dogsitter yet. haven't braved asking the neighbour.

oh and i can promise i'd make you all feel like fantastic mothers by contrast grin

CabbageLeaves Sat 01-Jun-13 10:58:40

Well that offer is priceless SaF!

LoserNoMore Sat 01-Jun-13 11:57:08

Sounds great Jax! Have a safe journey home.

Cabbage, no extreme activities were involved in that shower incident thanks very much grin Some days I just struggle to put one foot infront of the other.

SAF, you sound like a dream. I smoke dollies but hate rolling them.

LoserNoMore Sat 01-Jun-13 11:57:50

Rollies, not dollies, that's just weird.

perfect lnm. i don't drive so i tend to be the one navigating and rolling ciggies in the passenger seat smile

didn't you say you play the guitar? we can serenade the chef.

oh and some days i barely do put one foot in front of the other. i've been threatening to get in the already poured bath for half an hour now. all i've managed today is to put a load of washing in the tumble dryer (too lazy to hang out washing even though the sun is actually shining) and run a bath i haven't got into.

hmm maybe i should try online dating sites and advertise myself as frankly as i have on here grin no great wonder i'm single!

LoserNoMore Sat 01-Jun-13 12:40:30

Ha you sound like a catch to me!

Today I got up at 7am, stripped the beds, went to Tesco and done a full shop, sang in the car accompanied by the girls to Rolling in the Deep and nearly smashed the windows with our screeching. I'm such a catch too grin ex was mad to lose me!

lowercase Sat 01-Jun-13 12:49:43

Everyone in a happy mood!

Wish us all a perfect week end.

LoserNoMore Sat 01-Jun-13 13:05:30

Got to take the happy days whilst they last, lowercase. No doubt someone will come along and spoil it.

Have a good one.

lazarusb Sat 01-Jun-13 13:24:46

SAF, I have a catering history so will happily cater for your ds too. smile

DD is having friends round for her 13th today so I've been cooking all day. Not only do I over cater magnificently but I cook most things from scratch. I've made an Elmo birthday cake which I'm quite proud of grin

Have a good weekend everyone!

itwillgetbettersoon Sat 01-Jun-13 16:06:42

Hello can I join in - I have a nice chilled bottle of rosé Pinot in the fridge to share :-)

LoserNoMore Sat 01-Jun-13 16:31:49

Itwillgetbettersoon, course you can! I might have a wee glass later.

Lazarus, over catering is the way to go! Hope the birthday do goes well.

lazarusb Sat 01-Jun-13 19:56:38

I'm sitting here munching leftovers now grin Of which there are many...

MissStrawberry Sat 01-Jun-13 20:05:03

I read your first thread LNM and I am sorry you were married to a prat but so happy he was so stupid he droppe dhimself in it

you are doing gereat

imtheonlyone Sat 01-Jun-13 20:44:46

Hello from the Lakes!! Found an Internet signal grin

Had a busy day canoeing on lake Coniston - got a bit choppy and a little bit hairy but managed to stay dry wink. Had steak sandwich for dinner and a glass of wine! The 'men' have gone for an evening paddle so I'm enjoying some peace and quiet! and some more wine and chocolate!

I'm so loving this MN retreat talk ladies - it sounds superb!! I can help with the cooking - I do like to cook and on our consoling trips I'm known as ' ......cake!' Cos I always bring cake for us all to scoff after our paddling endeavours!! This weekend they have been treated to lemon drizzle and chocolate brownies!! So maybe I could contribute desserts!

I'm sadly missing MN a little whilst I'm away - I need to know how you all are now!

LoserNoMore Sat 01-Jun-13 21:14:41

Aw imtheonlyone, Wishing this retreat was here. I'm lonely sad proper lonely. Sorry don't want to lower the mood after a good day.

I'm probably going to regret divulging the following but need to get it off my chest. My 'biological' dad walked out when I was 9, my stepdad was a wonderful dad to me. We were so close, he was caring, understanding and just got me. I loved him to absolute bits. My mum used to say we were actual peas in a pod. He died so suddenly when I was 18,he had a massive heart attack in the house when I was with him. I performed CPR on him for 15 minutes until the paramedics arrived but it was too late, he was 50 years old. I have never missed someone so much in my whole life, it's his anniversary tomorrow and it just can't believe how unfair life is. I know he'd be a huge support to me right now and I wish he was here so much sad

MissStrawberry Sat 01-Jun-13 21:20:43

so sorry


imtheonlyone Sat 01-Jun-13 21:37:35

Oh LNM - I'm so sorry. Don't feel bad about that! That's what we're all here for! It's so awful when you need someone to be there but they can't because they're no longer with us hmm. I totally understand. It doesn't really get easier, just life overtakes you. I sympathise so much - we could have a good cry over some wine - my dad died very suddenly when he was 50 too. He was the best man I ever knew and I would give anything to have him back - so I do know how you feel. I wanted him there when I left my bastard of an ex husband.

What got me through was knowing that what he would have wanted for me was for me to be happy. Which I'm sure your step dad would for you too. My dad wouldn't have wanted me to be treated the way my ex treated me - and your step dad wouldn't want this for you but he wouldn't want you treated that way either. And yes, he would be a huge support for you. But he's still there LNM, he's still watching out for you and only wants the absolute best for you. That's why he would stab by your decision and will be cheering you on every minute from where he is now.

imtheonlyone Sat 01-Jun-13 21:39:15

Phone went all funny then!!

I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you to be with him and do the CPR.

Can I send some ((((((hugs))))))

CabbageLeaves Sat 01-Jun-13 22:16:38

Oh LNM I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you feel. I have a Dad who I adore and spend several minutes a day appreciating that fact and know it can't last. He's very elderly. I am so lucky and you have my sympathy

LoserNoMore Sat 01-Jun-13 22:24:40

I hope so imtheonlyone, if there's one thing I hope for is that he's proud of me, I know it sounds cheesy but I'd hate for him to ever be disappointed in me, and I still blame myself for not being able to help him.

Cabbage, every little minute is so precious isn't it. Just to have one more minute.

LoserNoMore Sat 01-Jun-13 22:26:37

Anyhow, what's everyone been up to tonight. I watched The Voice and BGT, that's it. I have a bag of pistachio nuts calling my name from the kitchen.

CabbageLeaves Sat 01-Jun-13 22:30:33

You did help him LNM

You didn't stand by and wring your hands helplessly. You gave CPR. Not everyone can, would or could. You did everything possible.

I was only thinking this weekend that I must revise my resus skills because I can see I how I'd go to pieces and not be able to function if my Dad collapsed in front of me. (...and I have done resus training yearly for 28 years!!!!!! but know I'd struggle to focus in a real situation) So you did very well LNM. He would be proud.

CabbageLeaves Sat 01-Jun-13 22:32:42

Love pistachio nuts

I have walked my dog for about 10 miles smile

Came home knackered and found a hen had not gone to bed because the run door had blown shut. 15 mins spent crawling hands and knees with a torch to find her!

LoserNoMore Sat 01-Jun-13 22:41:33

Those hens are worse than kids Cabbage.

Thank you.

CabbageLeaves Sat 01-Jun-13 22:45:22

At least I can grab the hens and shove them in a dark cupboard and lock the door eh!

DD keeps telling me I can't do that to her

lowercase Sat 01-Jun-13 22:51:45

Horrible to feel so powerless...

Take time to centre yourself. honour his memory, remember how he touched your life.
Say a prayer or put on a song he would like.
Talk to the girls about him, create a new custom of a pre Father's Day something or t'uther.

I can think of a ( possible? ) positive already, that this man left you a gift, of what a good man looks like.
You are passing it on by not putting up with less than.

The bigger picture is a beautiful one.

CabbageLeaves Sun 02-Jun-13 08:37:10

Lovely words lowercase.

LNM. I hope today is a time when you can enjoy the sunshine with your girls and have good memories. I suspect wrapped up in your loss of a lovely man is the thoughts of your biological dad and a despair over men who act so badly. Wish I could say something trite about that but my own experience means I feel like saying never trust a man sad Yet my Dad is a gentleman. A lovely man. They do exist.

so sorry lnm. i lost my grandad when i was mid teens and was the one who found him. i absolutely adored him as he'd been there every single day of my childhood and i probably spent more 'proper' time with him than anyone. i still miss him sometimes and think of that day waiting with him/his body in his house whilst my dad went and organised and made phone calls etc. he was like my rock of stability and good humour and compassion and affection as a child. i never had to doubt he loved me or would stop loving me itms whereas other adults were more complicated.

i know it doesn't compare to a dad but losing someone who means a lot to you at that age and being there with them rather than it being a phonecall to tell you or something is big i know.

i have no doubt at all that he would be proud of you x

lazarusb Sun 02-Jun-13 11:51:55

flowers LNM. Thinking of you today. What you did for him was amazing, not everyone would have been able to do that. You tried, that you must treasure beyond words, I can't imagine how frightened you must have been. You are such a brave person. I'm glad you had his love in your life and I'm sure he's keeping an eye on you.

Cabbage - has your dd not seen Harry Potter? wink

LittleEsme Sun 02-Jun-13 12:03:47

I cried when I read your post LNM.
Your Dad (and I call him 'Dad' with purpose) sounded like such a special man. He would be so proud of you - his legacy is that you are strong enough to walk away from your ex. Decent men DO exist.

I hope you can feel me hugging you LNM. Right now.

LittleEsme Sun 02-Jun-13 15:12:56

...and everything lowercase said.
Such lovely words.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 02-Jun-13 19:30:24

hi, is anyone around? Im home! grin

still bit coughy, but oh had a lovely time at my nieces new place - in Borders, so East coastish.

Didnt want to come home. sad

Hope everyone is ok? all my threads I am on have vanished, and have flipped so will try sorting when more with it. Drove home 4 this morning so have had a sleep but its a weird tired sleep not a refreshed lets start the day type of sleep.

Rambling now.

weather nice here.

lazarusb Sun 02-Jun-13 19:37:31

Hi Jax, I'm glad you had a good time, I'm very jealous of your Niece, I love Scotland. My great Grandparents on my Dad's paternal side were Scottish although my Grandparents slid down to the North East of England. I learnt to walk in the Borders (Roxburgh) so I feel a bit of connection with Scotland, however tenuous!

It's annoying when you lose threads, I have a feeling that I'll lose a few in August, it's going to be busy!

LoserNoMore Sun 02-Jun-13 22:00:40

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

Been non stop all day, haven't stopped. Going to fall into bed now, good night thanks

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 02-Jun-13 22:19:24

LNM caught up properly now. Sending you a big hug for tomorrow.

Oh and BTW - I can cook! grin And I quite like cooking. I dont mind doing dinner, but its every person for themself at breakfast and lunch.

Unless you want fruit and yoghurt or cereal and toast for brekkie. wink

I do love a big ole Scottish fry up but luckily my niece does that and I do dinner.

I have stuffed my face the whole time we were away - back to my low carb tomorrow. Dreading stepping on the scales!

Want to move back now, that is what I hate about seeing everyone. sad It just isnt practical though, my DC are English and DH job is down here and I dont fancy a weekend husband or Dad. Tried that before the DC were born and it didnt work for us then. And isnt fair on DH.

Off to bed now, been a v long day.

LittleEsme Sun 02-Jun-13 22:50:55

Sleep a good sleep LNM.
Good memories hold close. thanks

imtheonlyone Sun 02-Jun-13 23:01:44

LNM - been thinking of you today. Hope you're ok - keeping busy always helps to pass the time!

Had a busy day and a tiring trip back from the lakes. So tired now - just trying to catch up on a bit of tv before I sink into my comfy (flat) bed with pillows!! (We forgot the pillows!! It was pants confused)!!

There's no doubt your 'dad' is proud of you - no doubt. Hope you have a good sleep.

i can't believe i have to go to work today! so inconvenient.

hope everyone is recovered from their holidays and not on too much of a come down. i'm going to try and see head of HR about my op today - i have no idea how time off for a planned operation works.

CabbageLeaves Mon 03-Jun-13 08:20:46

Work sad
Nuff said

LoserNoMore Mon 03-Jun-13 08:33:10

Ditto that Cabbage.

Didn't sleep a wink, I put a nicotine patch on last night and had umpteen crazy dreams that kept waking me, including one where I could fly and I was flying through the town. And another I was babysitting for a friend and her baby turned into a mouse...

Have a good day.

imtheonlyone Mon 03-Jun-13 08:58:22

You sure it was a nicotine patch LNM??!! wink

Sorry to hear you didn't sleep hmm I hate that! Feel for you all going off to work.

Good luck at work SAF - I'm sure it will be fine. LNM - when was the deadline for that job application? Wonder when you might hear something?

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 03-Jun-13 09:45:42

morning all.

Nicotine patches gave me horrendously weird dreams! I wore it during the day but took it off at night.

I am going to get some today as I really need to stop smoking. It has become a regular thing and I am smoking far too much! And its costing a fortune. Cant roll my own and I only smoke menthol.

Anyway, sun is shining here, I have a mountain of laundry to do - not because everything is dirty but because my Mum smokes in her house, but only in the kitchen... everything stinks and I hate it. So, Im already a rubbish smoker! grin

Off to hurry the washing machine up!

Hope everyone has a good day today.

pegwin Mon 03-Jun-13 11:46:57

One positive to take from all this I suppose LNM is that you know that it is possible for kids to have wonderful step fathers, should you ever get to that place and that their fathers are not the only role model for their life.

not sure if that helps but I still like to think that LPs can have sucessful second rs.

you are quite clearly a credit to your mum and

lazarusb Mon 03-Jun-13 13:30:11

Dh is a great-stepdad to ds1. We met when he was 5. I was really screwed up when I met, he offered us stability and love. It can happen, even to a pessimist like me! smile

can't imagine it happening to me. can totally imagine it happening for others though grin

lazarusb Mon 03-Jun-13 18:20:30

I was definite that I didn't want to be in another relationship ever when I met dh. The timing was terrible. But I couldn't deny what I was feeling so went with it. Glad I did smile

CabbageLeaves Tue 04-Jun-13 07:01:19

Good point pegwin

I too fear another relationship but appear to be in one. Bit bewildering how that has happened! He is brilliant with DD and that is essential for me

i just never meet anyone who interests me really. i have issues with english men tending to be either bar flowers who happily spend half their families income on beer in the pub or really dull. the bar flowers are amusing but you wouldn't want one of your own given how they tend to talk about and treat their wives and the dull ones tend to be looking for a mummy figure to look after them which is wholly unappealing.

grin and yes that's a HUGE generalisation. but when i was travelling and living overseas i knew men from all over the world who had passions and interests and were driven. that's maybe unfair though because obviously they were the ones with some get up and go who were out in the world 'doing' stuff.

i would like an equal who doesn't mind being a bit dull and domesticated because hey that's what grown up life with children is like but who is still passionate and interested in life and has a bit more to talk about than their football team and how many pints they drank last night.

i clearly don't meet a ton of interesting men so obviously i am massively biased and should be ignored.

oh and then there's the bitter weekend dad's moaning on about how much maintenance they pay whilst their ex lives the life of larry and how it was all her fault because she was crazy/a bitch/etc(but usually crazy and bitch) which puts me straight off.

sorry - long ramble but my point is that in theory i'm up for a relationship but in reality there doesn't look much prospect of it. i kind of feel that most women do not leave the father of their children for no reason, so most of the fish that have been thrown back in the sea are in there for good reason and not good enough for me or my son.

heghog Tue 04-Jun-13 09:34:56

bitter weekend dad's moaning
that would be my (EA) X, if he actually had the kids for the weekendhmm
yy to most of them being thrown back in the sea for a reason. and the rest don't have kids and hence might want kids.

but...but...some people have nice step dads so it must be possiblesmile
so I always like to hear about nice step dads/happy 2nd relationship as it cheers me up.

and as LNM is clearly a fabby lady I would think if she wanted someone nice some day there is every chance she might find him. assuming most men are not as stupid as her X and recognise a good thing when they see it.

Disclaimer: a man is not a requirement for a happy life.

lazarusb Tue 04-Jun-13 10:27:16

Yes, I suppose that's where I'm lucky SAF, dh doesn't have a past (he was 20 when we met). He isn't like most of the men I knew at that time. We just fit well, it's a nice change from being frightened all the time.

But heghog is right, no-one needs a man to be happy & fulfilled. I'm absolutely certain that if dh & I split I'd be happy being single and a Mum.

bleedingheart Tue 04-Jun-13 13:12:33

There are lots of passionate and decent men out there, finding them is the hard part!
All of the step-dads I know in my family and friendship groups are decent, loving and great role models, who treat their step children as their own.

lowercase Tue 04-Jun-13 16:17:17

Swallowed, I feel / think that too.

Sad but...fabulous!
My DC are growing up with ideals.
We are ( without a male ) a healthy and complete family.

Spent time with xdh this weekend, he's still a selfish wotsit, and we are better off without him.
By the time he left DD was on the brink of tears and DS whining constantly.
This was 24 hours in his company.

yes you're right heghog - it is nice to hear about the exceptions smile

well done for surviving ex lowercase.

ds has never met his father as once he realised i wouldn't change my mind, get back with him and let him move into my home and suck on a main vein just because i had discovered i was pregnant he didn't want to know. sad for ds in the theoretical sense (as in a wonderful father in his life would be a wonderful thing) but in the reality of who the man is and and how much hassle i have seen women go through over access and hassle and 'drama' it's actually been a blessing. been just us, peaceful and happy from the start so we know no different.

sorry - very me me me at the minute!

oh and all dogs and child have homes to go to for the weekend AND i just got my period (which i had visions of getting in the middle of surgery and waking up in a mess) has come so i'm all set for friday and feeling relieved smile

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 04-Jun-13 17:24:54

SAF your last post made me smile, not because you have your TOM but because you were looking forward to it coming pre op.

So glad you have sorted out DC and animals, you can go in and know that all will be looked after. But who is going to look after you when you get out of hospital?

I know a couple of people who have had reductions and it has been the best thing they have done (so they said) no more backache and being able to buy a bra that fits and looks good. Will be thinking of you on Friday.

thank you jax. my friend bless her heart says she is going to pop in every day after i get home for the first week and see how i'm doing and what i need. that nearly made me cry.

i'm not used to people helping me and tend to feel i have to do everything myself and never ask for help so it's all been a bit tear jerky emotional for me this week. though now i know i was hormental grin

CabbageLeaves Tue 04-Jun-13 17:42:03

Yes I too will be thinking of you.

I sometimes ponder making myself single again mainly because I can't believe that there are good relationships out there and DP isn't totally perfect....Im not at all willing to 'just settle' and am frightened of a long term relationship and being tied in. I'm happy alone. But I think I might be being commitment phobic now.

Your post describing a passionately interested in life guy who can also do dull and domesticated actually sums up DP rather well. He makes meals for me to come home to, did laundry and hung it out before he left today and yet is first to encourage me to do all sorts of fun stuff which I'd never have thought of or had courage to do on my own. Equally I drag him out to do the barmy stuff I fancy ...even if its a picnic in the middle of nowhere in the middle of a storm. Life is very much fun when he is around.

The biggest plus is the positive input into DDs life. He is a great dad to his own two and a great father figure for her. Even her older sisters who are loyal to their Dad say this.

lazarusb Tue 04-Jun-13 18:48:44

SAF - best of luck for your surgery. I'm sure you'll be very pleased with the end result. I had a colleague who had it done and she only wishes she'd been able to have it done sooner. Understand what you mean about coming on, my Mum came on on the day she was admitted to hospital with Malaria. She couldn't even sort herself out as she was delirious for the first few days, she was mortified!

yes that was the fear - being too out of it from surgery and making a mess of myself and sheets etc. possibly a silly thing to worry about but am glad it's sorted. bless your mum.

he sounds lovely cabbage. no one is perfect and it sounds like you are happy with him. i sometimes think if i could go back to my younger self i might tell her to just pick one who was nice, good in bed, made you laugh and was a good cook instead of always needing to move on and panic about getting stuck. wasn't me though and for whatever reason i always did need to move on. possibly commitmentphobic too though as living in my parents horror of marriage made me very wary.

how are you doing lnm? sorry for hogging your thread with my self indulgence today x

bleedingheart Tue 04-Jun-13 20:29:39

Good luck with the surgery SAF, I'm glad you've got support in place. Worrying about coming on would be exactly the sort of thing I would stress about!

LoserNoMore Tue 04-Jun-13 20:55:26

Hi! Glad everything is sorted for your surgery SAF, least you don't need to worry now. I'll be thinking of you on Friday.

I'm knackered this week, can't sleep for the crazy dreams still. Last night I had a dream I went to New York for my Birthday, was walking down the street and met Demi Moore who asked me if I'd like to go to Central Park, so I went with my boyfriend...Johnny Vegas. Wtf!

Work is terrible, came very close to walking out today. I'm going to speak to my boss in the morning and tell her I can't continue to work under this pressure.

bleedingheart Tue 04-Jun-13 21:23:03

It really isn't the way it should be LNM, I feel so frustrated on your behalf re: work.
I hope your boss is reasonable tomorrow and stops taking advantage of your strong work ethic

CabbageLeaves Tue 04-Jun-13 21:23:59

You need to LNM

You need your strength for your personal life. If you 'cracked' they'd lose you and be stuck - far better to manage things than wait for a crisis.

go for it LNM. try the, 'i do not want to go off sick and leave you in a mess BUT i cannot continue to work under this pressure and the job has become untenable. i would rather we could sort this out in house so....' bit. it's not a threat but it makes clear they need to act and it isn't an option to just ignore you.

HighJinx Wed 05-Jun-13 09:25:04

I am going to de-lurk to second what SAF says.

Make it absolutely clear to your boss that you believe your working conditions to be untenable. You are not just having a bit of a whinge. Be clear about exactly what needs to change. I would also talk about time limits of when things can be dealt with/changes can happen.

After every meeting email her saying 'This is what i believe we discussed. If you feel I have misrepresented you or have anything to add please let me know by x date'.

That way if they do nothing and you do end up leaving you will have a better chance of having a case to take to tribunal.

You are handling the shitty situation with your STBXH brilliantly. It's total crap that you have to do this too but I know you can do it.

lazarusb Wed 05-Jun-13 10:28:02

Hoping all is going well for you today LNM and your boss sees sense. They'd be mad to lose someone like you.

PyroclasticFlo Wed 05-Jun-13 13:33:16

Good luck at work LNM, you're absolutely right to stand up for yourself. Well done you!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 05-Jun-13 19:57:53

hi everyone.

LNM hope you had a stern word with the boss and followed up with an email. You easily could be given a Drs note given everything of late, including your concussion, pressure of work and dickhead Ex.

hugs for you, and anyone else who is in need.

I have a nice 'bib' effect of sunburn on my chest. Totally accidental but will remember to put suncream on BEFORE I get dressed tomorrow.

Feel like I havent stopped since I got back from 'holiday' - every day this week Ive had something on, whether just monotonous laundry or voluntary work. Tomorrow I am going to try to sort out DD room, and cut the grass and just chill a little bit at home myself.

CabbageLeaves Wed 05-Jun-13 20:40:01

Feel like I havent stopped since I got back from 'holiday' - every day this week Ive had something on. Yes yes I can't wait for DD to go to bed tonight. She's driving me nuts and I just need some me time. Woke early with noisy birds then a full on day until now when finally I'be stopped... Waiting for DD to go to bed so that I can a) have a drink b) concentrate on some work (yes I know a + b are in conflict)

Chocolate may feature as well

LNM hope your day has not been demoralising and really hope your boss has some balls to stand up for you

LittleEsme Wed 05-Jun-13 21:26:27

Ditto to what everyone has said re work LNM. Something is going to give otherwise, and it cannot be you. The girls need you.

Hope you have a dream-free night tonight but if you don't, replace Johnny Vegas with Brad Pitt

SAF - excellent re child-care and doggie-care. You can have your op now and not have the extra worry. I'll be thinking of you on Friday.

I'm trying to write school reports - and as thick as this makes me sound, I've run out of inspiration. I'm trying to word something a little awkward about one of my Year 8 pupils. Don't suppose someone clever is around???!

LittleEsme Wed 05-Jun-13 21:27:58

Cabbage - I'm gagging for a drink in the hope that it'll help me concentrate but alas, the strongest thing in the house is an old bottle of cooking brandy. I ain't that desperate grin. On second thoughts...

CabbageLeaves Wed 05-Jun-13 22:07:58

Well I've done some personal admin work but not employment work. I've also not drunk alcohol but have scoffed a huge bar of dairy milk with a cup of tea.

What's the awkward thing Esme? He farts a lot.... Picks his nose...steals from his classmates....copies their work grin

Fred needs to consider his diet, carry a handkerchief, spend time in a young offenders institution and sit next to a thicko I think I have a future in education. no?

LittleEsme Wed 05-Jun-13 22:35:32

Arf! YOU MUST BE A TEACHER! If you can help Cabbage, I'll be forever in your debt!

This pupils has potential to do well (Year 8 now) but disruptive behaviour and negative attitude to school is pulling this pupil down. He hates the place. His report is ok - I want to point out his good points but I also want to urge him to put this 'negative' phase behind him and to try and stay positive and do his best from now on. I believe in the kid, he's very down on all his teachers and thinks that they compare him to his older/brighter/well-behaved brother.

<brain fuzz after too many reports>

CabbageLeaves Wed 05-Jun-13 22:57:22

I have 3 DD and recognise that boys and girls respond to different sticks and carrots so probably have no idea but....If it were one of my DDs I would want a glowing report focusing on the good results which then went on to say and emphasise that he needs to recognise his own potential

Is he frightened of failure? Confidence building and making him see himself separate to the sibling... Erm Perhaps these are the sorts of things that need to be said face to face after he's had time to digest the report.

I always remember one teacher who told me I would make a success of my life. She didn't focus on my academic work but told me that no matter what happened in my exams she had a feeling that I was going to succeed in whatever I chose. Really looked me in the eye and made me feel she meant it. That is over 30 yrs ago and I remember it to this day

LittleEsme Wed 05-Jun-13 23:07:46

I hope to be that kind of teacher Cabbage. I work in a tough school and so many kids fail the academics. I adore them though, and I can see that their street-wise savyness will get them somewhere good in life. This kid just can't be bothered though - he knows he's quite bright, he just hates the school. <sigh>

You are right though - I need to focus on what he's good at. I think I'll just leave it as it is.

<head explodes>

CabbageLeaves Wed 05-Jun-13 23:24:06

I could not be a teacher smile

I would feel so frustrated especially as often its out of your control due to home life and many other factors.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 06-Jun-13 10:33:22


I know that my DS currently in yr 8 has moments of cant be arsed distraction and after speaking to his form tutor it seems that its the subjects he isnt keen on... hoping that now he has chosen his options for yr 9 he will be more focused. DS responds well to praise and confidence building so maybe this would work for your report boy too.

So maybe point out that chosen subjects for next year are important but not to give up on this year even though its nearly over

morning all, got DD off sick so today is a definite house day - just what I need. She is fast asleep and I am mning while waiting for second load of laundry to finish so that it can get hung out.

it's hard esme (ex secondary school teacher here). it would be a shame if x let his negativity and assumptions about school stand in the way of achieving his considerable potential and he could benefit from thinking about his long term goals and aspirations and focussing on how to get there? is it possible to phone the parents and have a chat prior to the report? might help actually if they're at all approachable to have this conversation with them and ask what they think would be the most constructive comment to allow them to tackle the issue with him?

sorry hit post too soon - thanks for well wishes.

if i was the parent (and i am sadly only too aware that i'm not typical and some parents wouldn't give a toss even if you could reach them on the phone) i'd want the teacher to talk to me first and work out what 'our' strategy was and what kind of report comment would best serve that strategy.

form group student or a subject group btw?

lazarusb Thu 06-Jun-13 16:19:31

SAF - Good luck tomorrow, will be thinking of you. You'll have your amazing 'new' body very soon! smile

Hope all is ok LNM.

CabbageLeaves Thu 06-Jun-13 20:41:30

LNM Hoping your silence is due to a rubbish working week and not a wanker of an ex (one stress is one too many...two is erm...not good)

SaF - really hope tomorrow goes very well for you smile

LittleEsme Thu 06-Jun-13 22:27:27

SaF, form. His parents are not the best.
Anyhow, great comment which I will be <ahem> using. Thanks.
More importantly, get some kip and good luck for tomorrow's Op. Rest easy, you've made the right decision.

Jax - thanks for your help too. It has helped getting another parents perspective and you've hit the nail on the head - he's playing up in subjects he hates but it's only a matter of time before he can leave certain subjects - he just needs to hang on in there.

LNM - you're V quiet. You ok?

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 07-Jun-13 07:45:52

SAF sending you lots of happy new boob vibes and luck for today. x

LNM I hope you are ok sweetie, you have been v quiet this week. sad

CabbageLeaves Fri 07-Jun-13 17:08:32

What Jax said

(I did at first read 'sending you new boobs' and wondered if she realised you had a surfeit of boobage and didn't want anymore)

LNM -what's on this weekend?

LittleEsme Fri 07-Jun-13 20:56:21

SaF, lots of soothing booby vibes coming your way grin. Hope you're ok.

LNM - any plans?

LittleEsme Fri 07-Jun-13 23:09:27

V quiet for a Friday night...

buildingmycorestrength Sat 08-Jun-13 00:01:11


Alright, Ellen. Thinking of you.

pmgkt Sat 08-Jun-13 03:08:09

Lmn was last on Tuesday at 9 pm. It's Saturday tomorrow, it's a long time. Hope all is ok even if she has had enough of talking to us or has nothing to add it would be good to know she's ok

CabbageLeaves Sat 08-Jun-13 06:53:26

I remember being newly split. Some days I just wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. A thread like this can be difficult as well as supportive.
I am sure she'll be back smile

lazarusb Sat 08-Jun-13 09:10:41

Hope all is well LNM. This is contact weekend isn't it? Hope ex hasn't been playing up. If you just want a bit of space, that's fine but if you could let us know you're ok please?

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 08-Jun-13 10:29:11

I posted on here already this morning... and nothing! Gone!

Oh well.

busy gardening day for me - supervising mostly due to stupid back.

LNM Im worried... brew flowers <hugs>

SAF - hope you arent too bruised, arnica if you have some. biscuit for you, wont hug you incase its too ouchy.

hope everyone else is well, happy and enjoying the sun.

CabbageLeaves Sat 08-Jun-13 11:34:49

Turning out DDs room. Found a spring had sprung right through the mattress so its heading to the dump this morning. She has a midi bed and I'm selling and have got one off eBay that is low, iron (look) and far more grown up. She has announced that as she is now a grown up, (11 is grown up?) she will part with dolls and prams. Hooray!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 08-Jun-13 13:41:24

Im supposed to be doing a bootsale tomorrow. Have asked DS to get games and 'stuff' together for him to sell. Have agreed he can come. DD is a PITA - wont part with anything, her room looks like someone has burgled it and forget to steal stuff! grin

Even when I have tidied it up, it still looks untidy. <sigh> she is just 10, grown up in so many ways, but doesnt want to part with teddies/dolls just yet. Ive got rid of some books, but I need her to help me.

LittleEsme Sat 08-Jun-13 15:10:51

I have no children today so I'm sunbathing naked on a gloriously secluded cove with marine blue waves lapping at my feet. I have an ice cold pimms in my hand and a fantastic novel in the other. Bliss.

Bollox more like. I'm out the back marking school books. With a cuppa and a whole packet few custard creams.

LoserNoMore Sat 08-Jun-13 15:35:36

Hi lovelies, sorry didn't mean to worry anyone. I'm ok, just had a horrible week and shut myself away from everyone. Waste of time attempting to talk to my boss about work, nothing changed. Ex is indeed being his usual wankerish self, appeared her on Thurs night drunk, I had to call police. Don't really want to go into it too much but was horrible.

SAF, I hope your surgery went well. Hope everyone else is ok. Dd1 and 2 are away to sleepovers tonight, dd3 is with my friend for the night. I'm sitting in the garden with a beer wondering where the fuck it all went wrong.

lazarusb Sat 08-Jun-13 16:48:31

LNM, sorry to hear you had hassle on Thursday. Hopefully you calling the police sent him a message and he'll think twice about doing it again. FWIW, I absolutely think you did the right thing, no question.

Can't say I'm surprised about your boss, bloody annoyed with her though. A good boss looks after their employees and doesn't try to run them into the ground.

Those situations are both beyond your control to an extent. You can't make people behave well unfortunately. None of this is your fault although you have little choice but to deal with it. Keep looking for another job, someone will realise how amazing you are soon. Your ex, I hope has had a fright and be more sensible in the future.

Enjoy your beer, look back on your lovely snog a fortnight ago and smile to yourself. Life will get better, I promise. There will be a crack in the clouds soon flowers

CabbageLeaves Sat 08-Jun-13 17:21:10

LittleEsme! I read that agog thinking wow brave/lucky woman. Der...!

LNM. I too was forced into calling the police. Horrid horrid horrid. Probably a defining point in our divorce. It marked a boundary but of course he just tried another tactic to get back at me. I suspect in your exs little head he feels badly treated and justified in his behaviour

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

LoserNoMore Sat 08-Jun-13 18:01:13

Lazarus,seems like everything is beyond my control right now, that's the hardest part to deal with. Ex has been charged, he seemed to forget we no longer share a bed and in his drunken state or whatever mindset he was in he decided that he'd have his own way. Sorry trying not to be cryptic or go into too much detail.

Trying not to get too drunk either, very tempting though.

skyeskyeskye Sat 08-Jun-13 18:05:25

LNM - I have been lurking for a few days, but your latest post is sad and shock... I am glad that you got the Police involved. Can you up security on the house so that X cannot get in? Even if he is on the mortgage, if he has progressed to ?sexual? assault, then you should be able to change to locks now....

I hope that you are OK xx

LittleEsme Sat 08-Jun-13 18:22:21

LNM hmm

Really concerned, in fact.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 08-Jun-13 18:25:26

oh LNM I hope you are ok. Ex has no right to be anywhere near you, never mind anything else. Ive PMd you, just shout if you want my number.

You need a shoulder, and I have lovely broad ones. <hug>

I thought ex would be involved somewhere along the line. angry And I understand not being in control of things is awful. I wouldnt say Im a control freak, but deep down I know that I am a big bit. I also dont like not being able to control my life or at least a portion of it.

Just remember, this too shall pass. <more hugs>

CabbageLeaves Sat 08-Jun-13 18:25:49


I'm so sorry LNM

imtheonlyone Sat 08-Jun-13 18:57:17

Oh LNM - just catching up on thread as been away! What a total bastard! Hope you're ok - that probably sounds a bit feeble but don't know how else to say it! I'm so shock and angryangryangryangry!!

It's another situation dealt with, and like others have said, perhaps this will help him to realise how serious this all is. I know none of this helps you right now though sad

You absolutely did the right thing though, don't think that you didn't or that you could have handled things differently. This was in your control and you dealt with it. Now he has to deal with the consequences. I hope it's sunny up there for you. I hate to think of you going through that on your own sadsad

Take care envyenvy

Fluffycloudland77 Sat 08-Jun-13 19:03:51

Try not to get drunk, not on your own when you've been through something traumatic, alcohols a depressant.

I think we can all guess what he did angry.

What can we do to distract you?

PyroclasticFlo Sat 08-Jun-13 19:20:38

So sorry to hear what a shitty week you've had LNM, I wish there was something useful I could say or do but hopefully it helps at least a little bit knowing there are so many of us wishing you well and sending you love, albeit remotely.

This too shall pass,and one day you will look back and cry with pride at how amazingly well you handled it all. You are such a brilliant role model for your DDs, a great mum and a strong woman with solid values and a high sense of self worth. I wish I could give you these in person flowers

LoserNoMore Sat 08-Jun-13 19:42:09

Thank you. Just so tired, you think you've hit a low then somehow you slip lower. I try so hard to keep going everyday, I need to but something just drags me back down. I need a break.

LoserNoMore Sat 08-Jun-13 19:49:53

Just going to bed, got a splitting headache. Thanks again for all your support, it's very much appreciated.

Xales Sat 08-Jun-13 19:52:52

Have you got anything you can take for a good nights sleep?

Everything seems so much better when you aren't dog tired.


CabbageLeaves Sat 08-Jun-13 20:00:36

LNM if I didn't have work and small child I would get in the car and drive to you. I'm probably old enough to be your mother (just confused ) but I'd stand guard on that door, feed you, deal with crap, clean your house and take you and your DC for a fun day out. Empty gesture maybe in view of my small child and work ... But honestly if it wasn't for them ...

LittleEsme Sat 08-Jun-13 21:36:22

I'd be your wing man Cabbage, I really would. I'm hating what you're going through LNM. I wish I could make it all better sad

LoserNoMore Sat 08-Jun-13 23:24:16

Ah that's kind, thanks. flowers

Haven't been able to sleep, headache has developed into a migraine and I've had to make myself sick to try and get rid of it but its pounding.

WeAreSix Sat 08-Jun-13 23:36:04

Just caught up on your thread LNM.

I too wish I could make this awful situation go away. I've no words to describe your ex. How dare he - he's overstepped the mark too many times now. I'm glad you reported him.

Hope your headache soon goes flowers