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Can I do this alone?

(26 Posts)
Aloneandnowwhat Mon 20-May-13 22:12:32

Hi so my bf moved out yesterday, we've had a lot of issues caused by him and I'd finally had enough - long story short he's now gone.
I have a 23 month old son and am 33 weeks pregnant with a daughter. My parents died and I don't live near any family.
I work full time and shift work: 3 week rotation of 6-2, 2-10,10-6. Obviously I'll be leaving on maternity soon. Have got a sick note from the docs to cover me until I start maternity.
My questions are: Can I really raise two children alone with no support at all? How can I ever go back to work with two babies at home and such bad hours?
Ex bf is begging to try again, he thinks this is a temporary situation. At the minute I'm so relieved he's gone, all the drama and hassle, lies, cheating, drugs are gone. He says he can change but I don't want to take that chance. I know times will be hard but will I cope?

secretcowgirl Mon 20-May-13 22:47:03

Hi, I'm no expert but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered. You sound really sensible and it sounds like your bf was no good. You've got some time while on maternity leave to work out how to do this. It won't be easy but it's not impossible either. Don't be with him for the wrong reasons it will just make you miserable. Sorry you are going through this at 33 weeks pregnant. Concentrate on you and your little ones now.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 20-May-13 22:48:06

As a single mother I can honestly say it is easier on my own than it ever was with him.

ImperialBlether Mon 20-May-13 23:01:02

Have you looked at the Entitled To site? It will tell you what your financial position would be like. Personally, I wouldn't work those hours and be responsible for the children - I think it would be a nightmare. Could you see what you'd be entitled to and then think about a different job when the baby is old enough?

ElectricSheep Mon 20-May-13 23:04:07

REalistically, on your own I think you'll need to change jobs. Sorry you are going through this now OP.

CuttedUpPear Mon 20-May-13 23:05:16

Of course you will cope. You sound like a great mum already. And things may change for you as time goes on. Don't fret.

ImperialBlether Mon 20-May-13 23:05:46

He sounds as though he'd be more of a hindrance than a help, though. Now that you've made the decision, stick to it. Life will be much happier without him.

Aloneandnowwhat Mon 20-May-13 23:06:33

Thank you for the replies. I just let everything go thinking I had to stay with him for the sake of our son but the final straw was him losing his temper in front of ds and frightening him - I don't want that life.
Then when I think back at all the things he's done I realised that his shit has become normal to me.
I'll just take each day as it comes I suppose, ignore his relentless textin and trying to wear me down. I don't really know why I posted this, don't know what anyone can say or do to help - I'm just worried about the future but more worried i'll give in for an easy life.

Aloneandnowwhat Mon 20-May-13 23:11:40

Yeah I thought work might be the biggest issue - that's another thing that's stopped me doing this sooner. I'm just putting off dealing with that problem I think.
It's the best paid job I'll ever get, wouldn't have to claim benefits and could afford to support us. Practically though its impossible, I can't leave them overnight etc. I'll definitely look at that website, thanks very much.

unapologetic Mon 20-May-13 23:12:21

You absolutely can do it. You will feel freer and happier on your own. However, you will have to be realistic about your job. Many mums have to work school hours/take a career break/work part-time/change jobs after having children. I found I could continue working full-time when I had one dc but had to re-evaluate when I had two. I ended up on my own too but you manage because you have to.

ElectricSheep Mon 20-May-13 23:15:56

I don't think working f-t is impossible at all, hard, but certainly very doable and loads of lps I know do it (and I have done). But rotating shifts would be almost impossible to get childcare for.

Is there any chance of at least getting the same shift OP?

fieldfare Mon 20-May-13 23:17:16

Have you tried talking to your management team and explaining your situation once you'll return to work. Perhaps you could ask for permanent 10-6 hours? That would make childcare and managing a whole lot easier.

As for doing things on your own generally, yes it'll be fine. It's just you and your babies without an overgrown child to allow for.

Aloneandnowwhat Mon 20-May-13 23:31:29

Yes I think I'll have to talk to work, not sure how accommodating they'll be because everyone else works that shift pattern. If they can't change that at all then I'll have to leave. I get six months full maternity pay so I have that time as a cushion, although if I don't go back I have to repay that - god knows how!
Thank you everyone, I think I already knew the problem with work, I was just hoping to keep my job - it's scary to think I'll be relying on benefits possibly.

ImperialBlether Mon 20-May-13 23:40:32

It might not be as bad as you thought, OP. Childcare for two would be a hell of an expense. Would that have been free if your BF had been with you?

ElectricSheep Mon 20-May-13 23:44:59

I think you could still get statutory maternity pay OP even if you find they won't change shifts and you can't go back.

Re childcare if you are on WTC you'll get up to 70% of the cost which might make work worth it? POssibly.

Aloneandnowwhat Mon 20-May-13 23:45:17

It would have been less I suppose, our shifts used to overlap by a few hours so relatively low childcare costs, then no childcare needed when I worked nights. However, due to his inability to hold down a job I don't know what the situation would have been when I go back to work. He was sacked from his job a week ago because he couldn't be arsed to do it.

Aloneandnowwhat Mon 20-May-13 23:47:40

ElectricSheep, I'd like to work definitely. I want my children to be proud of me - not that I'm criticising anyone who doesn't work. I looked on that entitled to website and it would be very tough if I didn't work at all so hopefully with a more family friendly job we'd be able to be comfortable.

ElectricSheep Tue 21-May-13 00:00:47

Sorry OP, I didn't mean to question whether you thought work worth it. It's just that on a min wage/low paid job even 70% of childcare for two DC might not work out being worth it.

But you said you were in a well paid job so if you can get your shifts stabilised or an equally well paid job elsewhere I'm sure it will work out. Sometimes you just have to feel the fear and do it anyway. And trust that it will all get sorted. x

Aloneandnowwhat Tue 21-May-13 00:06:39

I didn't take it that way ElectricSheep - no need to apologise.

ElectricSheep Tue 21-May-13 00:17:08

Oh good grin

Hope you're feeling ok OP apart from the finances. I know it's scary (I broke up at 12 wks pg). But the sense of pride and independence you get doing it all yourself is some compensation. Not to mention the lovely little new person grin

Aloneandnowwhat Tue 21-May-13 00:20:39

I'm very excited about the baby - I must have forgotten the pain of childbirth grin
Next dilemma I have is the birth, I had so wanted a homebirth so hope I still can. Do I allow ex there? It's his baby too so I think he has every right to be but I don't want to give him the wrong idea, or start to give in to him wanting to come back if I'm feeling all vulnerable.

ElectricSheep Tue 21-May-13 00:34:02

Homebirth is totally doable still (I had one too grin )

Do you allow ex there? Only if you want to. I think it's one of the few occasions in life where you should totally put yourself first and not consider anyone else. When someone else shares the pain (but perhaps it won't be as bad second time around) then they get to be considered. Until then just do what feels best for you

queenofthepirates Tue 21-May-13 00:35:58

Birth is your show-if you want him there, have him there, if not he can wait in the corridor. Your choice sweetie xx

Bracketfungus Tue 21-May-13 00:58:50

My close friend had her ex there with her For the birth. It was an extremely long slow labour and not a great start for baby. I reckon it was slow and long because ex was there inhibiting her. I think there is research about this, but not sure... You could ask on childbirth page.

The point is, i think that the dad does not have the right to be there in labour. He has the right to see the baby once it has been born. Not the same thing.

You have the right to request flexible working as a parent. You can request not to do overnight shifts. Childminders can be flexible about shift patterns, but I'm not sure if they are able to be registered for overnight care or not. You could ask on the childminding page

You may not have thought about it but if you have a spare room, you may be able to get an au pair.... Again read some of the au pair threads. I don't know too much about it.

I really hope you find a way to enjoy your babies and stay in work. Don't look back.

ImperialBlether Thu 23-May-13 21:17:51

If having him there will make you happier and enable you to cope, have him there. Otherwise don't.

Yes, he will misread the message that will send. Is there anyone else you can ask?

ImperialBlether Thu 23-May-13 21:18:24

Can't you tell him you need him to look after your son?

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