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Being too sensitive?

(61 Posts)
littlemissgiggles79 Mon 20-May-13 21:45:40

Hi

long time lurker never posted before.
I enjoy reading the dating threads.

Have been wondering about something.

I met my bfs parents not too long ago. Little things irked me. Been seeing him for 3 months first meeting with folks.

I have a handbag that is designer. Not hugely expensive: about £70 and it was a Christmas present from my dad. I don't own designer clothes or shoes and am modest with my spending. I had a Nine West coat with me but is quite old.

I have been using the same bag with my bf for the whole time we have been dating. Never said anything.

I caught his mother eyeing up my handbag and my coat. the next time I saw my bf one of the first things he did was point out my handbag. He actually said "you've got a designer bag". Then he mentioned my nine West coat and that they are expensive. Never mind the fact that every shirt he wears has a designer label on it.

Am I right to be pissed off at this? He even balked at my face cream costs when I bought it.

None of his business and I don't buy CK or RL shirts.

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 21:50:24

Eh? A designer bag at the cost of £70? Who is he kidding? I wouldn't be pissed off though? What is it that's pissed you off? Has he insinuated anything? Sorry, lots of question marks in that post, but I just don't geddit!

pictish Mon 20-May-13 21:52:28

What do you think he's insinuating?

Walkacrossthesand Mon 20-May-13 21:56:03

Sounds like you were too taken aback to make the obvious reply 'gotta keep up with your designer tastes, darling!! 'Seriously - your money, you know what you like to spend it on. If you've been seeing each other 3 months and he's already starting to criticise your spending choices, time to run for dem dere hills. Unless you can firmly maintain the 'none of your business what I spend my money on' approach , and let him go if he doesn't like it....

MalcolmTuckersMum Mon 20-May-13 21:59:18

What designer? To me £70 = nice M & S leather bag. Designer = Mulberry @ £800. Can you be a bit more specific?

littlemissgiggles79 Mon 20-May-13 22:00:30

I don't know. The fact that he's pointing out that I own a designer bag and spend decent money on face cream when he has a wardrobe full of.designer Shirts etc.

I'm not even sure it's designer: one of those longchamp folding bags with the brown handles.

I'm thinking selfish later down the line in that he can have nice stuff ad I can't. also his mother must have pointed it out and he actually said something to me after she eyed it up.

TheCatcherInTheRye Mon 20-May-13 22:00:46

Are you upset that his mother noticed and commented to your bf? You don't know that it was in a snide way, she might have been commenting approvingly? It can be uncomfortable meeting important people for the first time. I wouldn't assume anything untoward, if you put your guard up now it could be hard to repair later.

littlemissgiggles79 Mon 20-May-13 22:03:37

Possibly catcher. But his reaction wasn't that encouraging. also he said my face cream is a rip off. its only boots protect and.perfect.

I threw it straight back at him that he has designer labels on everything he owns and my.clothes are generally m&s phase eight etc.

pictish Mon 20-May-13 22:07:42

Possibly catcher. But his reaction wasn't that encouraging. also he said my face cream is a rip off. its only boots protect and.perfect.

Righto - well there's an alarm bell ringing right there. Slagging off your stuff...opinionating on your choices...as if he gets a say?
Hmmm....

littlemissgiggles79 Mon 20-May-13 22:14:48

I'm wondering why he's bothered. I couldn't care less what he has or.uses. in fact I want him to have nice.stuff.

He even said once you get used to.expensive.cream you can't.stop using it.

Excuse all the full stops. Useless with my iphone and my can't be bothered to edit.

pictish Mon 20-May-13 22:19:57

Well look - listen to your instincts. If he is scathing of your belongings as a waste of money, yet feels quite happy to treat himself to the same, then he's probably a bellend.

littlemissgiggles79 Mon 20-May-13 22:22:29

It's the only time he's done it....so far.

Raaraathenoisybaby Mon 20-May-13 22:26:13

You don't have to justify your spending you are an adult. You are justifying it to us too....has he made you feel like that?
Huge red flag. Huge!

pictish Mon 20-May-13 22:28:02

It's difficult to say what's what really...

Needless to say though...it's a new relationship and you're not obliged to him at all. Something has made you prickle, so do yourself a favour and heed your own instinct. If he continues in a manner that mkes you feel at odds, then move on.

pictish Mon 20-May-13 22:32:37

I think...and I might be wrong...that the OP is simply saying she's no Colleen Rooney, yet still he sees fit to comment. As though he thinks that anything above the low end of the market is wasted on her. Like she doesn't deserve them?

I'm just guessing like. Maybe his mum is worried she's got big aspirations on her son's wallet, what with her fancy tastes...lol!

littlemissgiggles79 Mon 20-May-13 22:39:17

Shit I am justifying it to you too aren't I?

I also looked at a hobbs dress that was £129 & he was like Ooh that's a lot. we don't live together, I do ok financialyt. it's my money!

I get the impression they get stuff off the back of a lorry. they don't buy each other expensive stuff.

Xales Mon 20-May-13 22:41:16

Well you could point out that you have had the handbag X time and would have paid more for 5 or 6 cheap ones that would have worn out in that time. Same for the coat, so it was money wisely invested and worked out cheaper long term.

Or you could point out that you are an adult and you can spend your money how and when you like without getting a boyfriends approval.

I would be worried if you have long term plans to live together or have children that you would be reduced to buying Primark or nothing whilst he spends as and when he likes.

Keep an eye out to see if this develops.

Lweji Mon 20-May-13 22:47:56

None of that stuff is that expensive.

I'd be worried about his attitude too.

pictish Mon 20-May-13 22:50:20

If he's carping about the cost of stuff you like, then you may be assured he's going to be a tightwad.

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 22:53:43

Hmmm, I agree, you certainly don't have expensive tastes, but I'm slightly tuned into your comment 'stuff off a back of a lorry'......it's not you that's being a wee bit if a closet snob is it?

ImperialBlether Mon 20-May-13 22:58:54

OP, how is he when you're out together, in terms of spending? Do you split the bill? If so, does he object to you paying for that?

I couldn't go out with someone who thought he had the right to comment on things that I had worked for and paid for myself. What the hell is it to do with him? I agree with the poster who said she thought his mum assumed you were after his money. Not that that makes sense when you've bought your own things!7

Kitty, I'd be a snob about things being bought off the back of a lorry - it means they're stolen goods, doesn't it?

littlemissgiggles79 Mon 20-May-13 23:03:50

I don't think so kitty.

He keeps telling me his mate gets him stuff a lot cheaper. I don't know how but wonder if it's hot. the impression he gave me.

Not a snob at all. wait until the sales for most things.

littlemissgiggles79 Mon 20-May-13 23:05:13

We take it in turns for dates or split the bill re paying.

He probably spends more than I do.

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 23:08:57

But she only gets an impression that's where they get it, not factual. They don't buy each other expensive stuff......just odd statements to make.

For the record, I don't buy knock off gear either! Although I have bought Armarni (Amani) sunnies whilst on holiday!

Leverette Mon 20-May-13 23:09:52

Bin the money obsessed mean fucker, seriously.

Only three months in and he's making you question whether you're worth spending certain amounts of your own money on items that you like/will wear hmm

Not only is he being exceptionally ill mannered; can you imagine a Cooke of years down the line when you're not 'allowed' to spend any money without being made to feel bad about it

Leverette Mon 20-May-13 23:10:19

Cooke? Couple

Raaraathenoisybaby Mon 20-May-13 23:15:18

There's definitely something a bit off. Maybe he feels a bit threatened by your independence. Which is not a good thing.
The thing with his mum sounds like a bit of inverted snobbery.

He's having a go about stuff he isn't expected to pay for?
Three months in, if my BF was acting this way I'd take it as a sign that he thinks I spend too much on myself, and yet he's allowed what he likes. ie don't think you can spend any of my money on that stuff, you'll have to make do and mend while I look like I stepped out of a fancy shop, big red flag to me. I'd drop him and look for someone nicer.

VortexOfDisaster Tue 21-May-13 01:56:42

Yes, at 3 months in he should be telling you that you deserve the sun, the moon and the stars, not begrudging you boots' face cream and a polyester shopping bag!!!! Trust that niggle and leave the bastard!

GoodbyePorkPie Tue 21-May-13 02:10:07

What Vortex said. How ridiculous of him.

Looking wwaaaay ahead to a future with him - I can forsee fights over how long the heating is allowed to be on for, how much you spend on groceries ... and his mum will be there, stirring the pot.

raisah Tue 21-May-13 03:14:58

Is his mother filling his head with rubbish? That you maybe quite a high maintenance partner for her precious darling who can only afford to buy designer for himself not a gf aswell. Have 2 wardrobes, battered old tat when you see your partner & family and your usual clothes & see if any comments are made.

littlemissgiggles79 Tue 21-May-13 09:05:19

Oh crap it's not going to get better is it?

He spends shed loads of money on things for him and his family to do. I wanted to go to an opera and it was going to be my treat. He said no it was a waste of money.

his sister was wearing designer jeans and carrying an osprey handbag when I saw her but he comments on my longchamp plastic bag.

He took me away for a weekend and balked at the cost of the hotel and next time said we'd go to his parents place on the coast as it would only £ 30.00 in petrol. I actually offered to pay half the hotel and he looked tempted to accept.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Listen to your inner voice and please do not hope against hope that he will change. Such men do not and his mother is also filling his head with rubbish.

There are enough red flags here to wrap this bloke up in!. He is bad news for you, such men do not change either. He is a tightwad and mean to boot.

mawbroon Tue 21-May-13 09:19:47

Sounds like his mother is in the background pulling the strings.

I went out with one like that for a while. He didn't even realise that his mother was ruling his whole life hmm

MadBusLady Tue 21-May-13 09:22:48

I wanted to go to an opera and it was going to be my treat. He said no it was a waste of money.

What a bloody misery.

MadBusLady Tue 21-May-13 09:23:45

And actually bloody weird as well! YOUR money, YOUR desire to go to the opera, but HE gets to decide it's a waste?

MadBusLady Tue 21-May-13 09:26:05

I spent way too long with someone like this. It was kind of concealed at first because we were students so penny-pinching was the norm anyway. It got worse if anything. sad

DIYapprentice Tue 21-May-13 09:27:55

Complete and utter tightwad - get rid of him NOW!!!!

Seriously, if he's already questioning what you spend your money on then it's only going to get worse.

And a £70 bag is not designer, its just a nice label, Boots face creams are not expensive.

FFS I was expecting you to say it was a Louis Vuitton bag and Christian Dior cream or something!!!

littlemissgiggles79 Tue 21-May-13 09:29:17

What do I get out of it? He's funny, passionate, fun to be with, he did spend a lot on my birthday.

He's stingy with his time too though and that bothers me more than money issues.

Little things bother me though: in the hotel he pinched everything that wasn't nailed down: emptied the free tea and coffee and sugars into his bag. He was annoyed the soap was in pump dispensers so he couldn't take that too.

When his dad had minor surgery they were going to give him dvt stockings but he said no. Bf.actually said he should have taken them and sold them on ebay as they're expensive.....is it just me? You don't always have to get something for nothing.

SanityClause Tue 21-May-13 09:31:13

My DH was like this.

MIL would always comment on new items I was wearing. We only visited once every 3 or 4 months, so the only way she could know it was new was if she and DH had been gossiping about me. (Items such as a raincoat from House of Fraser. I didn't have a raincoat, so it wasn't even like I was replacing something perfectly good. I then wore it for at least 10 years.)

If his mother is like my MIL, she believes that his money is hers, and that you will waste it.

He has changed, because we were going to split up and so we did a sort of "self help" marriage course together. He then realised that he couldn't keep his mother sweet, and be loyal to me, and he had to choose.

So I don't know. He is lovely and supportive and generous to me now, but in a way, I had to "earn" that, which rankles, even years later.

I think, perhaps, although I dearly love my DH, my older self would be advising my younger self that the pain of getting there could probably have been avoided, if I had heeded the early warning signs.

LemonDrizzled Tue 21-May-13 09:40:26

A vote here to dump him before it gets worse.

My DP has been brought up on bargain shopping, charity shop stuff and BOGOFs. Noting makes him happier than a good purchase with money off. But he isn't mean, and for him it is normal to buy clothes in Tesco or LIDL. And recycle and sell spare stuff on ebay

Whereas I am more of an uptown girl and like quality that lasts. And I can afford it and treat him too. I love the fact he is unimpressed by labels and
posh restaurants.

He wouldn't expect me to scrimp unless I wanted to, and is always quick to pay for food, drink etc.

Whereas your man sounds like he is greedy, wants something for nothing, and resents you being able to buy things full price. Nasty!

littlemissgiggles79 Tue 21-May-13 10:04:37

I can't afford expensive clothes though.

I rarely buy anything that isn't on sale. My nine west coat was in the 50% off sale years ago.

I do feel as though I'm beginning explain myself.

99% of the time he isn't like this though.

HellonHeels Tue 21-May-13 10:14:13

he sounds awful. I dont really buy your statement that he's not like this 99% of the time.

It sounds like he spoils every little pleasure (new dress, weekend away, opera) with his whinging and pennypinching.

I think you can do better than this OP.

DIYapprentice Tue 21-May-13 10:25:29

You've been with him 3 months - he shouldn't be like this AT ALL! He should be showering you with attention and little gifts. This is the romantic period and he's already shown you his penny pinching ways and made you feel guilty and feeling like you have to justify yourself. You don't.

littlemissgiggles79 Tue 21-May-13 11:29:22

He does DIY. Everywhere we go he pays mainly for everything: the tickets and if we go for tea / dinner he pays most.

He buys me a memento everywhere we go too: a souvenir or a book of where we've been.

But I am quite surprised at his comments re my things. its just been one or two but even so. doesn't he want his gf to have nice things?

In the morning he will send me to work with breakfast and something for lunch. So he looks after me in other ways.

Idk.

Lweji Tue 21-May-13 11:34:05

I wanted to go to an opera and it was going to be my treat. He said no it was a waste of money.

I don't think that was about the money, though.
It was more that he didn't think the opera (your thing?) was worth the money, so he was putting it down.

I bet the same money on something he liked would have been worth it.

And that is another thing for you to worry about.

Lweji Tue 21-May-13 11:35:09

And why would "he send you with food to work"?
OK, it might just him being nice, but it's a bit of parenting you too.
I'd look at it carefully.

littlemissgiggles79 Tue 21-May-13 11:47:19

Lweji because he takes sandwiches to work and so he gets one for me too if I'm staying over.

Youve just made me feel worse. He had no objection to me spending a similar amount of money on tickets for something he wanted.

Re the opera he said he doesn't want someone spending that sort of money on something he wasn't that keen on. he also said the opera tickets were nearly as much money as spent on the weekend away and there are way better things we could do with the my money.

littlemissgiggles79 Tue 21-May-13 12:06:28

Oh Shit....he went out of his way to get tickets for his family for things they wanted. Expensive pop concerts etc.

Why the downer on me?

Beginning to wish I hadn't started this thread.

KittyVonCatsworth Tue 21-May-13 12:17:21

I can't see where anyone is putting a downer on you, neither am I seeing where anyone is asking you to explain yourself, but don't think I'm alone on being slightly confused as to your backtracking / defending him when you say:
His family don't spend money on expensive things and then he buys them expensive concert tickets

Sorry, but you sound a tad materialistic to me - its all about what it costs rather than the sentiment behind it. Yes, the cock shouldn't be commenting on what you want to spend your money on but I'm really failing to see the issue here.

You asked if you were being too sensitive, I say IMHO, yes, you are - especially if he's just dreamy is all other respects.

Its 3 months FFS, either put up with the small stuff or LTB.

littlemissgiggles79 Tue 21-May-13 12:30:24

Its complicated so maybe that's why the back tracking.

They don't buy each other expensive presents. Such as for his nephews birthday he got a game that was about £10.00. But they spend huge amount of money on pop concerts.

Thanks maybe I am too sensitive. But I have noticed I have to fight him for tsome things I want to do whereas his is beyond criticism.

MadBusLady Tue 21-May-13 13:25:26

Was the "Why the downer on me?" aimed at us or at him? I think that's where Kitty's confusion is arising.

I didn't read the thing about pop concerts as "backtracking", just the opposite - it's an instructive comparison to show that he clearly doesn't mind spending money on things he chooses, whereas he judges the OP for things she wants to spend money on.

littlemissgiggles79 Tue 21-May-13 14:25:21

Why the downer on me was aimed at him.
Thinking nothing of expensive tickets for family and friends and himself but not for me.

I could understand if I was asking him to spend his money on things I want but I am not.

Really even though 99% of the time it's fine you are only 3 months in, it only gets worse. In 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, it's a daily thing. Why did you buy Heinz beans, the kids can eat Adsa brand, don't buy meat for the kids you can get them sausages. You don't need boots face cream get Tesco value moisturizer. On and on it goes, while he buys designer shirts for himself and concert tickets for his family.

DIYapprentice Tue 21-May-13 18:42:00

So it's fine to spend lots of money on things he values, but not if it's something only you value. It's fine if he buys you things, but you can't buy yourself things. Control freak.... Run like the wind.

SanityClause Tue 21-May-13 20:17:37

Perhaps no need to ripen like the wind. But just stand your ground.

If he says opera ticket are a waste of money, point out that he would buy pop concert tickets that were just as expensive, but that opera is more to your taste (or just as much to your taste) so its not a waste.

If he can see your point, fine, otherwise, maybe you need to part company.

But, be who you are. And if he likes that person, he'll stick round. If he doesn't, then the sooner you can find someone who does.

littlemissgiggles79 Tue 21-May-13 20:36:06

Thanks Sanity.

BTW what does LTB mean?

SanityClause Tue 21-May-13 20:55:57

Leave The Bastard.

It's an acronym used a lot on Munsnet!

Lweji Tue 21-May-13 20:59:12

Sorry, didn't mean to make you feel worse.
Just open your eyes.

He's already telling you he doesn't care about your things and that you shouldn't value yourself enough to have even middle of the range stuff.

You don't have to Leave The Bastard yet, but I'd evaluate it all and take careful notice of his behaviour towards you.

anicenewname Tue 21-May-13 21:23:16

I'd ditch him before you get more involved. He's having a go at you over things, you feel you have to defend yourself and justify your belongings, your decisions... It doesn't sound like a fun relationship. Find someone who likes your coat and bag (and you).

littlemissgiggles79 Tue 21-May-13 21:23:30

I will do. Thank you smile

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