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DH has booked himself a hooker. Awesome. Help me fast.

(270 Posts)
nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 20:30:34

named changed for obvious reasons.
I'm going to sound cold and clinical but thats only because I am trying to hold it together. I have no friends nearby who I can tell this to.

I need advice fast. I have been trying to hold it together for the last few hours but Im not sure how much more I can manage. Just found out DH has booked a high class hooker for Wednesday night. Sounds easy to leave. Not really.

DH and I have been together for a long time and he is currently dealing with depression (on ADs) and a drink problem (just found out it was worse than I thought and that he'd been hiding the extent of it from me). I also knew he watched porn but thought it was within 'normal' behaviour for a male. We've had some fantastic years together but frankly the last few have been pretty difficult and I have been very lonely and worried about our relationship.

Today I was out in the car with DH, the kids and FIL and MIL. I had his phone in the back seat as mine was flat and I don't know what made me do it but I checked his emails. He has booked a hooker for Wednesday night (when he is away on a business trip). I looked the webiste up later and she cost 500-800 pounds. I just saw the request as in .." is so and so available for a hour or two on wednesday night?. Saw no reply but it looks like a lot has been deleted as there were only a few messages in the inbox.

We live overseas and me and the kids will need to be repatriated back to our country. We dont have that much in the way of savings. He earns a good income and I of course gave up my job to come overseas. So the outlook is pretty bleak in the short-term for me.

I have the PILs in the house for another week. What do I say, do? Numb with shock. I can't even look at him I am so disgusted I did take a photo of the email. Do I wait till he's gone on the business and then email that I know? Or have it out tonight and let the PILs hear it all??? I guess a trip to the clinic is in order as I have no idea if he has done this before sad

Advice please and fast.

SirBoobAlot Mon 20-May-13 20:34:46

What a complete bastard. Someone will be along with something useful to say soon, I'm sure, but in the meantime, here is a hand to hold.

LoganMummy Mon 20-May-13 20:35:04

I'm so sorry things have got this bad for you.

Personally I would challenge him ASAP and hope I could stop it before it gets any worse.

I hope you're ok.

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 20:36:54

He is DEMANDING that I come and talk to him about what is wrong. I am being unfair apparently. I can't do this with people in the house. Do I just say that I know?

MatureUniStudent Mon 20-May-13 20:38:03

Gosh you poor thing. I found out about my soontobeex £400 pr hour habit after he had left, so didn't have to face him about it. Can you box clever, gather all the pay slips, pension stuff, passports etc together? Phone the CSA in England if he is paid in this country? or the equivalent of where you are now? Intermim maintenance order? see a solicitor between now and next week, as if he does the deed the divorce will be easier to get due to adultery?

My advice would be canny but I think it would take a super strong human to do that - so if you are going to have it out, why on earth not let the PIL know what their "delightful" son is up to.

And is it automatic that you would have to go back home? can he afford to keep you where you are now? if you have the house and he leaves to find a flat or something?

Such a betrayal to see him spend money on himself that way - I am so sorry.

mumblechum1 Mon 20-May-13 20:38:41

Demanding? Tell him that you will speak to him when you're good and ready. Make the bastard sweat.

dietstartstmoz Mon 20-May-13 20:38:52

Can you tell him you know OP and does he have to go on his 'business trip'? Do you want to try and salvage your relationship? if so I think you need some honest talking and possibly therapy to work through this. Or make a plan B-move home, where to live, support network etc.

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 20:39:06

I'd find out where the filthy bastard was going, turn up and publicly humiliate him, personally. Who the fuck does he think he is (obviously don't know him or you) but to spunk 600-800 dollars on a hooker?

Massive hugs to you my lovely, and sorry I don't have anything constructive to add. You're a fr better woman than me xx

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 20-May-13 20:39:09

Wow he is being an arse of laughable proportions!

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Hrrrm Mon 20-May-13 20:39:26

If you want to leave him, don't say anything. If you want to try to make things work, tell him. (I recommend the former)

I would pack up and leave while he's on his trip and tell PIL then.

Fairyegg Mon 20-May-13 20:40:05

I don't think you have any choice to challenge it before it Happens really. Maybe pils being around may be a good thing. Whatever you do you can't ignore it.

Lemonies Mon 20-May-13 20:40:38

I think I would also do it now.
PIL can be a spport or at least occupy the kids.
I have fairly relaxed views on escorts but the sneaking around and deceit are too much.

Feeling for you, x

wispa31 Mon 20-May-13 20:40:51

leave him. sorry, but hes having sex outside the marriage?? fuck that shit!! and no you are not being unfair!!

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 20:41:15

I don't think I want some hookers sloppy seconds. he's not the man he was once. We were really great together once.

AThingInYourLife Mon 20-May-13 20:41:41

He has done it before.

Salbertina Mon 20-May-13 20:42:29

Op, sorry to hear that. Are you thinking of leaving or trying to sort?

Just a word of warning as am sure you know but you wouldn't be able to take kids out of country without his consent and will get extradited back if you do! No kidding i know of not one but several women this has happened to.. Be v careful and get legal advice from a lawyer familiar with both UK and local law. Is there someone you can talk to there at all or Skype a UK friend? Might be worth posting in Living Overseas also.

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 20:42:31

Sitting in one room on the laptop. The PILs are in the lounge and him upstairs waiting for me to talk. I hate this. I am a very private person. I just want to run away.

scarletforya Mon 20-May-13 20:42:35

Or have it out tonight and let the PILs hear it all???

Good God, you poor thing. I'm so, so sorry.

Yes, fuck it. Please don't 'keep face' for the sake of his parents. The whole marriage is a sham because of him and his actions. Don't protect him.

I'm sure you're probably in shock. Sometimes the first instinct in shock is to try to 'control' the fall out. That is inevitable, your instinct is to maintain 'normality' to protect the children. However this does not mean you have to cover up for the fact that he has arranged a high cost prostitute presumably paid for with family money. sad

Don't minimise this. I'm so very sorry.

Fuckwittery Mon 20-May-13 20:43:02

quick question, how long have you been living overseas with your kids? If they have become habitually resident where you are living now you need to think about permission to take the children out of the country, and possibly act very very carefully to ensure you get his permission to come home, otherwise he might be able to force you back under the Hague Convention if he is a complete arse.
Sorry to raise this now as I know it's probably way more detail and long term stuff than you want to consider.
Is there somewhere you can go in the meantime in the country you are in?

Looksgoodingravy Mon 20-May-13 20:43:09

I would have to have it out before he left. I would also do as pp suggested and tell his PIL so that at least they can maybe take the dc out while you confront him with this.

I would expect he will try and minimise and make out he never intended to go through with it but by all accounts it sounds like he's possibly done this before?

So sorry sad

mumblechum1 Mon 20-May-13 20:43:15

Which country are you in at the moment?

I would go in there screaming and shouting it to the rooftops. It may not be the sensible course of action though.

I'm so sorry.

I would challenge him, in front of the PILs. If nothing else, they are likely to put pressure on him to continue to support you and the children, whereas if you do this without their knowing the details he could easily give them a false story about why you have left / thrown him out.

No matter what problems he's had, there is no excuse for using prostitutes.

ImperialBlether Mon 20-May-13 20:45:48

Ugh, what a pig.

No wonder you don't have much in the way of savings if he's spending money like that.

Personally I think you should tell your in laws that you will be returning home with them. Book yourself a ticket. Email the photo to your husband and tell him to figure it out for himself.

Cloverer Mon 20-May-13 20:46:28

Don't do anything yet.

Bide your time, get your things together, things for the children, work out your exit plan - leave when he is away.

I think if you let him know that you know now, you give him the opportunity to make it hard for you to take the children or he could hide money from you. Don't give him the upper hand.

You have every right to react & deal with it however you see fit to be honest...

I'd be so disgusted and angry that he'd put me at risk too. Doubly selfish and cowardly thanks

FannyBazaar Mon 20-May-13 20:47:17

Email the photo to him now so he can check it on his phone and then just wait for him to come to you with his story.

nenevomito Mon 20-May-13 20:47:19

Tell him you know. Tell him that you're going to tell his parents if he doesn't first. Creep.

Distrustinggirlnow Mon 20-May-13 20:48:31

If you confront him he will deny it and delete the email.
Is he going far away on the business trip...?

If it were me and it was possible, I would turn up at the hotel on Wednesday. I'm not saying this is the right thing to do though!! blush

It is difficult to talk about this with other people in the house. I think I would fein illness , tummy bug or something..... He may get angry when you confront him, even if he's usually placid.

I would look on the sites to see if I could find his profile. IME when you confront they deny, delete and minimise, yes he just looked, oh he chatted with someone once, actually chatted with lots of people lots of times, only met her once, couldn't manage sex, well actually met her twice blah, blah, blah....

I would try and be as prepared as possible.

So sorry

Xales Mon 20-May-13 20:48:39

One of the first things you need to do is get yourself to an STI clinic as soon as you can.

You have no idea if he has done this before or how many times. Maybe never but you need to make sure he has not given you something!

No idea whether you should confront or try and keep it under wraps until alone. You are much better than me if you can manage the second without falling apart.

/hugs

Salbertina Mon 20-May-13 20:49:01

Pls note Op is overseas and has less option to "just leave with the dc" If she leaves the country with them without his consent, she WILL be extradited back... You need legal advice, soon!

giantpenguinmonster Mon 20-May-13 20:49:10

I'm so sorry this has happened OP.

I'm not sure of the legal stuff but I think you need to be quite careful over what you do now. Could the country you are in be described as your normal residence? Is it a signatory to the Hague convention? If it is, my understanding is that he could stop you leaving.

Hopefully someone with better knowledge will be long soon. Do you have anywhere to go in the UK?

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 20:49:13

I can't think about the move or custody right now but thanks for raising those points, i will be careful.

I know this conversation has to be had but I think I will puke talking about it. Prostitutes for a single man maybe but a married father coming home to me after that. Fuck he is revolting.

This is a surreal situation. hes chatting with his parents in the next room

ReindeerBollocks Mon 20-May-13 20:51:37

He is a bastard OP.

Do you what you want to do. Not what he wants, nor his parents.

A clever person would be able to calculate and plot to get home and leave him properly.

I'm not that person - I'm a throw all his clothes outta the fecking window type of person, I couldn't keep the facade going.

Please do what you think is best at this moment in time for you and your DC's.

Thurlow Mon 20-May-13 20:51:39

That's shocking shock

Just remember that whatever he says, you are in the right here. He has gone to far (by a country mile) and wanting to leave with the DCs is the right decision.

PeppermintPasty Mon 20-May-13 20:52:13

Christ I would go in there and have it out with him in front of them the utter shit flowers

Salbertina Mon 20-May-13 20:53:03

Oh OP. just be prepared and bide your time.. And btw it wasn't custody i was talking about it was leaving the country at all with dc. Personally think you should chuck him out to stew for a few days to buy you time to think.

Flojobunny Mon 20-May-13 20:53:10

I would have it out with him and make sure PIL know exactly what he's done.

ReindeerBollocks Mon 20-May-13 20:53:20

Sorry, I shouldn't have called him names.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you nogoing

ImperialBlether Mon 20-May-13 20:55:12

If you were to return home, would you have somewhere to go?

Where do you want to live?

Could you stay in that country as a divorced/separate woman?

iloveweetos Mon 20-May-13 20:57:13

I agree with hrrrm. Decide whether you want to leave or stay. Then either tell him or not

Stay strong and Good luck!

MagzFarqharson Mon 20-May-13 20:58:06

^Exactly what Flojobunny said ^ Sorry love...

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 20:59:00

I could go home and back to the family house and work and live as a single woman with children in my home country, thats not a problem.

I think I have to go and tell him I know. I want to chuck him out and tell his parents hes been cheating.

What bullshit do you think he will spin me. I want to be prepared.

Chubfuddler Mon 20-May-13 20:59:50

Were the children born in the country you now live in or the UK? Is this an interim expat posting or until this happened did you consider yourselves settled there?

I would be astounded if this were the first time he had done this - it seems terribly clinical and practised, ordering an expensive prostitute on the Internet ready for his trip. I'd bet the farm he's done it before.

I'd ask your PIL in front of him in your sweetest voice if they could possibly take the Dcs out for an hour or two, as you have discovered their son has booked himself a prostitute for Wednesday night and you need to have a little chat about it.

Or while he's away on his business trip, tell them everything, ask them to leave and put his belongings on the doorstep in bin bags.

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 21:00:07

I have only cried a couple of tears. I feel like laughing. Shock I guess

Chubfuddler Mon 20-May-13 21:01:13

And tbh a married man with a drink problem and a porn user doesn't sound like much of a catch anyway.

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 21:02:03

Its an expat posting in europe. Been here 2 years and due to be here for another 3. Kids are not born here. Born in my home country and hold passports for mine and his (UK) country.

He is a bastard. I'd confront him in front of his parents. They're going to find out eventually. This way they won't get lies & his twisted version after the split.

Fuck him. You deserve better.

Salbertina Mon 20-May-13 21:04:02

Am sure he will deny, deny, deny, deny then maybe get angry at you for snooping, then denying still, then finally admitting but downplaying massively. Just a--n educated-- guess.

Well he's going to say it was a joke / for a friend/ just curiosity/ he wouldn't have gone through with it etc etc

You know that he will be lying. sad

Fuckwittery Mon 20-May-13 21:05:21

birth country and nationality doesn't matter, it's habitual residence. From what you've said you won't be able to go home with the kids and stay there without his consent, tread v carefully, I would say even if this means playing nice to get that consent, or getting his parents on board to support you.

captainmummy Mon 20-May-13 21:06:02

Can you tel him you are going back to your home country with the dc for a visit? Maybe to your parents? You'd have his permission then. Once you are away, you can think about what to do next.

teacherwith2kids Mon 20-May-13 21:06:06

I would ask your MIL for a quiet word.

Show her the evidence that you have found, and ask for her help.

If possible, get FIL to take the children out for a short while, and confront your DH with your MIL present.

Of course that depends on the relationship you have with the ILs, but if they can be on your side at least a little (a MIL is more likely to be than a FIL I suspect) then it will be more difficult for him to wriggle out of it entirely - or do you any harm when you confront him.

Salbertina Mon 20-May-13 21:06:26

So you are "ordinarily domiciled there" if been 2 years and are probably under its jurisdiction despite where kids born etc.

Wahla Mon 20-May-13 21:06:49

Oh nogoing you poor thing. I think you might do well to disclose whilst his parents are there if you think they may be of some support to you. For one, they may discourage him from stopping you taking the kids home, if they see what a shit he's been.

Do they know about his drink problem?

Chubfuddler Mon 20-May-13 21:07:02

I'd be on the first flight back home with them in that case. Or at least the first one on Wednesday after he's gone on his "business trip". You do realise there probably isn't a business trip at all? Just a night with a call girl.

What a sad fucker he is. Sorry op but you deserve much much better.

Back2Two Mon 20-May-13 21:08:10

How long are his parents meant to be around?

I think it may be lucky that they are there and you should confront him with them there and then ask them to look after the dc.

Yes, he has issues with depression, alcohol and he is using prostitutes. No need to feel sorry for him or protect him .....be strong.

Fuckwittery Mon 20-May-13 21:08:25

You will need permission to permanently relocate, getting permission for a "holiday" to go home and then staying there is also considered abduction. Obviously might give you breathing space and hopefully he'll be feeling like such a shit he will let you have whatever you want...... I hope it pans out like that anyway.

Would you be happier arranging to go home when the pils go back and then telling him you know from the uk?

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 21:10:08

I think his parents would jump at the opportunity to keep the kids here sad They are not the type I would want to turn to. They are ok people but will stick with him 100% Im sure. I wouldn't think he'd stop me taking the kids home but I have been wrong about him before apparently...

cherhorowitz Mon 20-May-13 21:10:36

I have just read the thread and I am disgusted. I am so, so sorry for you OP. I can't imagine finding out my husband had been cheating on me especially outright lying about it with a prostitute.

Are you definitely leaving him? I'd have all your ducks in a row before you have it out with him. Get as much advice and legal support as you can if getting the children out of the country will be a problem. Do you have a support network back home as a single mother?

In this situation I'd be blazing it out with him in front of PIL's so they know what a disgusting human being he is to do this to his family but I understand that's not the most productive way forward and could be devastating if you need his permission to leave the country with your children.

Do your PIL's know about the drink problem? If you show them the evidence they may help you get out of this marriage and the country.

Salbertina Mon 20-May-13 21:10:39

If she takes the dc on any plane out of the country without his consent she risks being hauled back at (her) vast expense, pronto!

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 21:11:02

arranging to go home will be no mean feat.

Then say you're best mate in uk is in trouble that's why you're distressed - get the kids and you out the country, then confront....

cherhorowitz Mon 20-May-13 21:11:59

X-Posted.

Best not to confide in PIL's then. You know them better than all of us.

Can you take the children out of the country without his consent and reside back in your home country with them legally? If so, do. Staying and him spinning you a web of what you know are lies will be so much more hurtful.

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 21:12:53

he knows I know something

Chubfuddler Mon 20-May-13 21:13:26

Then wait till he's gone on his trip, tell your ILs to leave and put his stuff on the doorstep.

Meanwhile do NOT have sex with this vile man, and get yourself to your GP for some tests.

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 21:14:29

I cant possibly get legal advice and arrange to take the kids home in a few days. I will need his work to repatriate us all. Its in the contract...I remember seeing it when we signed. It will take weeks.

themidwife Mon 20-May-13 21:14:35

Show him the photo & tell him that you will not accept lies. Even if he didn't end up making the booking he INTENDED to.

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 20-May-13 21:14:51

I'm so sorry.

I guess he knows his game is up, from his behaviour. He's just trying to work out what you know.

So play it his way, and tell him that you know, but no more. Let him dig himself a hole, and find out what you need to know.

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 21:15:22

I dont plan on going anywhere near him Chubfuddler. Hes been lying to me for who knows how long.

Ok, don't reveal exactly what you know - you can just suggest that you know enough and want out.

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 21:18:27

Im stalling. I feel sick but I will tell him i know and its over.

Salbertina Mon 20-May-13 21:18:37

Nogoing, of course you cant arrange it all in a few days so chuck HIM out, say you insist on 2-3 weeks minimum to have breathing space. He can go to a hotel or whatever. Sure( eventually) he will be desperate and forlorn enough to do anything you say.

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 21:19:28

I wish he could take his parents with him

BlueberryHill Mon 20-May-13 21:19:52

Sorry that you are in this position.

Can you hold it together tonight, make up some story to put him off the scent. He probably won't want to believe that you know about Wednesday.

Tomorrow could you ask PILs to look after your children and go to see a solicitor, could you find a specialist family lawyer in your country / city? Once you know what your legal position is, it may help you to decide what you want and how to approach it?

Good luck

Norem Mon 20-May-13 21:20:17

Hang on op fleeing the country you live in could cause you and your children extra stress.
How old re your kids? If your marriage does break up they may still want to see their dad.
Kids do better after divorce if little else changes at least in the short term.
Don't make any big decisions while you are still in shock, give yourself time and rm yourself with as much legal info as possible.
Good luck you will get through this.

Salbertina Mon 20-May-13 21:21:00

Well i think its only fair all round that PIL leave also. Doubt they'd want to stay anyway. His problem, his parents, he to sort!

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 21:21:09

you know what I am dreading the most. His pathetic excuses and then the eventual turning around of it into something thats my fault...

Fuckwittery Mon 20-May-13 21:22:03

Would you go back to the UK or your home country (I'm sorry, I know these are big things to think about now). If your home country is not a Hague country you'd be better off risking going back there.

Are you going to speak to him tonight?

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 21:22:31

thank you all so much. I needed to talk to someone about this so badly.

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 21:23:01

home is covered by the Hague convention

Salbertina Mon 20-May-13 21:23:09

Yep, sadly thats quite likely hmm. Attack best means of defence and all. Just refuse to listen to him. Turn away, lock him out.

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 21:23:55

Fuckwittery... I think I will. I don't think I can cover it up.

Chubfuddler Mon 20-May-13 21:24:30

Really? Well doesn't he sound nice. Obviously you know perfectly well there is nothing you could have done, nothing at all that justifies his behaviour.

I think you need to be straight with him (this will take balls of steel). Tell him you know. You do not want up listen up his special pleading. You want the ILs gone and him too. You want radio silence until you contact him which will be when you are ready. If he won't play ball he can expect a divorce petition in the next post.

What a cunt.

Fuckwittery Mon 20-May-13 21:24:30

OK, and you can't move quickly anyway, sorry for slightly derailing the thread with talk about abduction, just didn't want you to do anything rashly.

Do you think his parents would be supportive of getting him out the house tonight to a hotel or wherever? Might be some short term back up even if they would not be helpful in the long term.

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 21:26:31

they have gone to bed. I'd like him and them to leave tomorrow. I just want to be with my kids. My eldest is 17. Do I tell her?

LadyMaiBlossom Mon 20-May-13 21:27:18

I think you should tell him you know in front of his parents and calmly ask them to go to a hotel for a few days with their son. That you dont wish to discuss it with him and that the marrage is over and you do not want to talk to him untill you have seen a legal rep.

Ask all of them to leave and give you space. Then baby steps xx

Wahla Mon 20-May-13 21:27:19

I agree, don't tell him exactly what you know or how, just tell him you know and want out. Out of the marriage and out of the country, totally refuse to discuss what you found as this only gives him the power to lie and gaslight you.

He knows what he's done and he knows that you know so he's working in damage limitation mode, don't give him the chance to disrespect you any further by entering into the 'Explanation Game'.

It may be tough to get back home but the sooner you start the process the sooner you'll be out of that nightmare situation. I feel so bad for you OP - I hope you can find some rl help and support.

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 21:28:01

Chubfuddler. I know he sounds like a total arse now dosent he! Was actually a really nice person once upon a time. I think thats what Ive been holding on to for the last few years. Not interested in him anymore.

Viviennemary Mon 20-May-13 21:28:47

You might easily have misunderstood the whole situation or his friends might have set him up as some sort of practical joke. Maybe you should tread warily before throwing everything up in the air. It all sounds a bit strange to me. And don't even think about mentioning this to your children.

LadyMaiBlossom Mon 20-May-13 21:29:16

Sorry xpost

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 21:29:19

irony is the only real life person I could tell here is married to his best friend

forgetmenots Mon 20-May-13 21:29:45

Bloody hell OP. I too would keep my powder dry and get as much arranged as I could before leaving, but easier said than done.

You are being very strong indeed, in comparison to your weak husband no wonder he is scared of what you know.

LadyMaiBlossom Mon 20-May-13 21:32:43

I would not tell the children. Do not involve them in your marrage. Keep it simple.

We have desided to split.
Your Dad will be staying somewhere else for a bit but we both love you.

hermioneweasley Mon 20-May-13 21:33:48

You are being amazingly strong. You decide what you want to do next. You owe him and his parents nothing - no explanation, etc.

Hugs.

Conina Mon 20-May-13 21:34:56

I would buy time. Say you have a migraine / upset tummy and are embarrassed cos in laws are there and you need to be in bed / bathroom whatever. Then try and get some space to think.

Get clinical. You're in shock - if you've gone blank, find a gut feeling. If you've gone hyper alert panicked, then plan.

Eat if you can cos you don't need anything making you weaker / more vulnerable and clouding your head even further. If you can't eat, keep hydrated.

Can / do you want to take dc and leave house / country? Once you know that, you'll know whether to confront him. Fwiw - me - I wouldn't. I'd work out my next step then inform him afterwards, when it was too late for him to stop me.

Why do I get the impression - cos I'm sure you haven't said this - why do I think you're scared of him? Is it just because he's been revealed as a stranger or is it something else?

brew with sugar for shock? X

Tigglettchic Mon 20-May-13 21:38:27

tell him now, quick in and out (sorry)

we are here for u

Chubfuddler Mon 20-May-13 21:40:27

Please don't tell your 17 year old daughter her father has been planning to or actually sleeping with prostitutes. You will scar her for life.

While he's away can you contact his company and demand to be repatriated?

Surely his antics while away on a business trip will put a new light on your request to leave, and they'll really have to help you out.

Perhaps even the threat that you will do this will make him comply with your game plan, as work knowing that he using time away on business like this will reflect badly on the company etc etc and potentially damage his career prospects (she said hoping the company aren't all mysognisitc twunts like some are).

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 21:45:20

Absolutely what chubfuddler said. There would be nothing to gain from telling your 17 year old that, and could be to your detriment later on down the line if you did.

Stay strong, thinking of you x

dontyouwantmebaby Mon 20-May-13 21:47:20

really sorry to hear this OP, just wanted to say that agree with others who say you should ask both him and PIL to leave as soon as poss to give you some space.

IME the family almost always take the side of their own and aren't much help, even if you've been together for years this sort of thing really shows you who is on your side. agree with others, you don't owe him or his parents anything. if you could keep your powder dry that would be fab but in circumstances, can totally understand if you don't!

can you trust the person married to his best friend? I think esp with being overseas you need someone IRL too.

themidwife Mon 20-May-13 21:48:24

Why can't you just talk to him? There's no point withholding what you've seen! Confront him!

Selba Mon 20-May-13 21:56:52

Talk to him. Tell him what you know .
DO NOT TALK TO ANY OF YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT THIS.

themidwife Mon 20-May-13 22:00:34

Yes agree with Selba. This is NOT something to talk to your children about!! Talk to him!! You do not yet know the full story!! It's not looking good that's for sure but you need to face him!!

Mixxy Mon 20-May-13 22:01:44

He is talking to his parents because he believes you will not confront him while they are here. If it was me, I wouldn't include the ILs. Just adds to the emotional circus. And keep the kids out of it. He may be a horrible husband, but don't sabotage his relationship with his kids. They'll find out soon enough how selfish he is.

I don't envy you sad.

Maybe tell him not to bother coming home and that he should book into a hotel and that he should probably not hire another hooker to entertain him while there as you plan on cleaning him out.

If you DO want to include the ILs (because he might make up all sorts of crap about you), just ask them to look after the kids while you pop down the doctors office to get yourself tested for STDs because you just found your husband has been paying escort services to amuse himself.

Darkesteyes Mon 20-May-13 22:30:59

Sorry to hear about this OP. But i have to say whether a man is single or married when deciding to pay a prostitute for sex, it still shows hes ok with the idea of buying a woman.

thistlelicker Mon 20-May-13 22:51:59

What did u decide to do op?

kayfish Mon 20-May-13 22:58:00

I am so sorry you're going through this OP.

One massive thing I want you to bear in mind:
- KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. You have the power right now. In all his fiddling, underhand, secretive movements over the last few months/years (?) right now, you know something that he doesn't know you know. Seize on it, play with it, don't reveal it. He will admit much more. Perhaps the full extent of what he is feeling/thinking if you tell him you 'know' but not exactly what you know.

Nothing is more terrifying and begs to be filled more than a void.

ProphetOfDoom Mon 20-May-13 23:20:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mimishimi Tue 21-May-13 01:04:13

I think you should involve his parents. I would follow teachers advice exactly... Even if they still back him up, they should see the evidence. Were you able to forward those emails to yourself so that you can print them out? If not,I'd not be saying anything until I could do that.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Tue 21-May-13 01:20:15

Oh lord you poor thing, hope you taking care of yourself. I totally agree that hearing him deny, minimize and blame would be very hurtful and distressing. Trouble is that's the normal script when discovered, I am trying to think of ways for you to not engage with this... Maybe tell him up front that if he does deny what you know is the truth, or turn it around on you, you will disengage immediately with the discussion... And be able to follow that through by having somewhere to withdraw to (bedroom w lock, or friends house, though better to make him leave rather than you)

Whatever you decide, good luck OP

lunar1 Tue 21-May-13 07:14:35

Hope you are ok op.

PeppermintPasty Tue 21-May-13 11:59:50

How are things today op? Sending you strength x

forgetmenots Tue 21-May-13 12:33:42

Hope things are clearer today OP, thinking of you

Chandon Tue 21-May-13 12:43:44

I would involved the ILs,

I would tell them exactly why I am upset.

If they woudl then choose to side with their DS, I would know enough and ask them to leave.

Theymight be sympathetic though.

I really woudl tell them and if hey thought I was lying show them the mail.

Otherwise you are the "baddie" or turned into the"unreasonable one" by others who dont know the facts!

LadyInDisguise Tue 21-May-13 12:52:29

It is ESSENTIAL that you look at the legal side of things NOW.
Yes there is the issue of the contract but I would be surprised that you (who aren't employed by the company) can be made to stay there for weeks on end until your stbhex sort things out.

However, you are in a difficult situation. 2 different citizenship and living in a third country. Where you will ask for divorce, when etc... will have an impact on what you can do ie will you be able to go back to your home country with the dcs. You really need to talk to a lawyer about that ASAP so you can minimize the risk of being stuck there for at least one more year, if not forever. I am not sure for example what would be the situation if you get divorced there and he them move on to another country at the end of his contract. For all you know, you might be asked to still stay there because it's the main country of residence of the dcs (assuming he is getting difficult about it).

re the company, it really depends on what sort of company it is. Having worked for a big american corporation, they would take that behaviour very badly and would support YOU re repatriation etc... Some might only see that it's a personal problem and will let you getting on with it.
but I would struggle to see how they could stop you from leaving if you wish to do so.

fromparistoberlin Tue 21-May-13 13:09:02

OP, good luck

I dont know about his parents, they can side with the abuser. be wary

This sounds like its the nail in the coffin. PLEASE get legal advise asap

LAWYERS--ALIMONY-PLANNING

you will be happy again

and echo, are you scared of him?

read Lundy Bancroft too, he helpd solidify and make you feed brave

xxxxxx

PearlyWhites Tue 21-May-13 13:20:59

Has he been unfaithful before? If not I would give him another chance if when you confront him he is honest and genuinely sorry and willing to have marriage counselling.

nogoingback999 Tue 21-May-13 13:25:40

Well I confronted him last night and he claims it was just part of a fantasy/wank thing. Charming. He showed me the hotel he is booked into while he is away and its a rural conference place. He's adamant that it was nothing but fantasy. I don't know what to think. I havent really spoken to him today. I made him take the day off work and look after his parents. Was shocked that he was planning to go to work to be honest. But he came home and has taken them out for the day. I just found an email from him written this morning saying that he has accepted that the way he has been drinking and using porn has created real problems for him and us as a family. He says he wants to focus be a more active participant in life generally, and in his family, and that he is facing what he knew deep-down was a real problem for a long time.

I emailed back that I think I need space and that I might take the kids away for the weekend to think about things. I dont know what to think. Its plausible that it was just fantasy. I see all the money come in and out of our account and he is in a rural hotel not the city. But I'm also wary of being played as a fool. My gut tells me he is telling the truth.

I guess I'm still processing it all. Do I go away on my own or take him with us and try and talk it through some more.

nogoingback999 Tue 21-May-13 13:29:20

He hasn't cheated before (that I know of). In fact he was a great guy and a model husband/father for many many years and its only been in the last few (with the advent of his depression and subsequent drinking problem) that he has behaved like a dick.

Mumsyblouse Tue 21-May-13 13:32:08

I don't get this fantasy thing, he booked a hooker, was he going to cancel?!

Every single man on this board, when confronted with bookings/searches for hookers says it was just a fantasy- don't these poor hookers get any work then if all that happens is punters look them up, book stuff, chat to them, but then mysteriously never go through with it.

It doesn't make sense to me, why would you book a fantasy hooker?

Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, and perhaps he's now all upset (now he thinks his world is crumbling in) but it just sounds very odd, and not very plausible in this particular situation- browsing porn sites/hookers sites, just about believable, asking for one on a specific night you are staying in a hotel away from home- it's a booking!

Mumsyblouse Tue 21-May-13 13:33:54

But of course it is up to you if you want to go down the path of helping him back to being that better dad and husband. I would want to know what happened if you didn't confront him, though, and I don't think 'it was just a fantasy' will really cover it.

AThingInYourLife Tue 21-May-13 13:39:27

So he gets turned on by booking things he has no intention of paying for?

Weird fantasy hmm

I think you know he is lying.

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?

I don't believe him - and actually, if it were true, he did it for a wank, I would think 'what a fucking freak you are'.

Has he let you see all his emails over say the last year or so? Have you checked bank accounts etc.

I would go away with the kids and not him. I would suggest that I wasn't coming back.

I'm really sorry he put you in this position.

nogoingback999 Tue 21-May-13 13:40:47

I get what you are saying Mumsy sad

He said it was like it would in some way make the video more exciting. But that it was all just fantasy and was not ‘what he wants’. He says he knows he did something really stupid, but swears it was pure fantasy and a situation that could not possibly come true.

The only concrete thing that supports what he is saying is that on the night he booked it for he is in a rural conference centre far from the city.

Or am I just having the wool pulled over my eyes???

nogoingback999 Tue 21-May-13 13:44:19

he has never locked his phone or computer and its still now unlocked. I know that he could have secret accounts but the ones that I know about are accessible. I knew he used porn but he says I didn't know how much. He reckons now that he is getting his drinking under control that his use of porn has decreased massively too.

CashmereHoodlum Tue 21-May-13 13:46:06

NGB999, this comes up time and time again on here. The man says he booked the prostitute as a fantasy. This is because you have concrete proof in the form of the emails. They will only admit to what you can prove.

He is minimising. That was the only lie that he could come up with. I know you don't want this to be true, but don't let him lull you into a false sense of security.

I'm afraid this would signal the beginning of the end for me - whether I believed he was going to go through with it or not. (Of course he was)

He's a porn using near alcoholic who books hookers. That's who he is. Is he going to change that? Maybe. Lets hope so. Do you have to tolerate it? no.

forgetmenots Tue 21-May-13 13:50:53

Tread very carefully indeed OP. I've never heard a cheat or liar who, when confronted, admits to the whole truth. And whether or not your DH is a cheat, he is a liar.

This rings loads of alarm bells for me I'm afraid - fantasy would be sex chat or browsing the webpage not making an enquiry. And they will travel out of town.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 21-May-13 13:51:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife Tue 21-May-13 13:51:44

"The only concrete thing that supports what he is saying is that on the night he booked it for he is in a rural conference centre far from the city."

All that proves is that he had no intention of going to the conference, or was planning to show face and then fuck off to the city to his hooker.

Do you believe this was going to be his first time?!

nogoingback999 Tue 21-May-13 13:53:18

She was a porn star travelling through a major centre a few hundred miles from where he is staying. Guess its still possible though.

nogoingback999 Tue 21-May-13 13:55:50

I know he is going to the conference as he is part of a committee but it wouldn't stop him leaving it at some stage thats true.

No, never thought he would do something like this. For all his faults he has always been very loyal and honest. Thought his problem was just with depression and (lately) drinking.

LadyInDisguise Tue 21-May-13 13:57:44

Is all the money from his wages going directly to the family account? Any chance of another account (one in the UK for example) that he could use?

As for the 'rural' location. When you look at the email, any chance that you noticed where/which town she is working from? Because if the hotel/name of town was mentioned and clear, then you have your answer. Being rural is NOT a reason for not finding a prostitute.

CashmereHoodlum Tue 21-May-13 13:58:10

OP have you booked STI tests yet? Porn star = unprotected sex.

LadyInDisguise Tue 21-May-13 13:58:11

sorry xpost

Fairyegg Tue 21-May-13 14:02:36

It sounds like you Want to believe him and make your marriage work. I also don't think he's telling you The whole truth but if you want to make it work you need to Have a proper talk with him, not just email each other. Personally I would leave the pils to babysit and go out to talk tonight. Then go away for the weekend by yourself or with your dc to consider your options.

CashmereHoodlum Tue 21-May-13 14:03:00

Is he genuinely suffering from depression? Depression is another thing that tends to come up on threads like these.

Mumsyblouse Tue 21-May-13 14:03:24

I have attended loads of conferences where some men don't show up at all for the two/three days. The worst was when their wives would ring and insist they leave a message for them as they were definitely there, when they hadn't even registered and picked up their name badge.

Why would he book a porn star for two hours on a Wed night he was away unless he intended to use that slot (oh dear) for something? Clearly that time being one in which he was free was important to him, otherwise why not book this fantasy for any old time if it wasn't going to come true and he just got off on the email correspondence ( how unlikely is that?)

Your call, but this is awful you poor love.

Wahla Tue 21-May-13 14:04:16

Ask yourself this, for £800 for a couple of hours work would you be willing to drive/take a taxi/get a lift to a hotel that's a bit out of the way? He's bullshitting you my love.

Take your time and decide what you can live with and then make a decision.

AThingInYourLife Tue 21-May-13 14:04:29

Was it part of the fantasy that he booked the hooker on a weekend he was away from home and could easily use her without you knowing?

Or is it just a massive coincidence he made the booking for that weekend, and he might just as easily have made it for a weekend he was at home?

You see if he never had any intention of actually going through with it, it does seem a curious choice of timing for the booking.

AThingInYourLife Tue 21-May-13 14:06:05

X-post Mumsy

Mumsyblouse Tue 21-May-13 14:08:45

The other classic which is now becoming very familiar to me in this scenario, when confronted, the husband suddenly discovers they have a medical disorder (alcoholism, sex addiction, porn addiction, depression). Now of course these things might go along with self-destructive behaviour and it sounds like he has been drinking too much, but it's such a co-incidence that now is the time they suddenly decide that it's really important to get treatment, and not any time previously when their poor wives have been getting on with looking after the family and trying to keep going in the face of really bad behaviour.

But- having said all that, you know your husband best and you know to what extent this is completely out of character and I simply don't know what I would do in this scenario, I just think I know.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Tue 21-May-13 14:09:38

Humm, tbh I don't see why a rural hotel would mean he can't get a prostitute? People travel for money, they always have done, always will do... In any profession. He was paying her alot of money as well, why wouldn't she travel to a really nice hotel for a lot of money?

I'm sorry, I don't get it. As credibly goes, it makes no sense.

If you want to carry on the relationship you have to look hard at his behaviour before this, and this incident, and at how he's responded to you - does he even care about you? Or is it all about him being discovered, his life maybe changing and him not liking that? I'd be very very wary.

nogoingback999 Tue 21-May-13 14:11:13

He said the website never replied. I am going to send the same email myself and see what happens.

spanky2 Tue 21-May-13 14:13:05

Depression usually reduces sex drive . I have depression on and off and I don't really have a sex drive.

forgetmenots Tue 21-May-13 14:14:52

^what AThing said ^

forgetmenots Tue 21-May-13 14:15:16

(And mumsy)

CashmereHoodlum Tue 21-May-13 14:15:41

The other classic which is now becoming very familiar to me in this scenario, when confronted, the husband suddenly discovers they have a medical disorder (alcoholism, sex addiction, porn addiction, depression). Now of course these things might go along with self-destructive behaviour and it sounds like he has been drinking too much, but it's such a co-incidence that now is the time they suddenly decide that it's really important to get treatment, and not any time previously when their poor wives have been getting on with looking after the family and trying to keep going in the face of really bad behaviour.

This, exactly.

nogoingback999 Tue 21-May-13 14:16:59

he has been under medication for depression or the last 3months and has had it before. He was actually having suicidal thoughts this time. I've known for sure about the alcohol problem for a month or 2 (guessed it earlier). He had fessed up to me of his own accord that he was drinking in secret, and at work and has now given up drinking.

Mumsyblouse Tue 21-May-13 14:17:08

Oh, so now the truth comes out, which is that he didn't go ahead with it as they didn't reply! Is that the only reason?

His original email doesn't sound like a fantasy booking, or full of sex talk, it's a polite enquiry as to if anyone is free for sex on X night of the week.

I think getting hung up on whether he would have actually gone through with it is to miss the point- which is that emailing hookers for meet-ups is a huge betrayal of you and hints at even worse revelations to come. Was this the first time his fantasy urge took hold of him? I very much doubt it- what a coincidence you saw that one-time email and none of the deleted others.

Sorry nogoingback, I don't know how you make sense of this, I hope you are getting some food/sleep in amongst all this anxiety, but I also think your anxiety is coming from knowing what he's done is terribly wrong, but him trying to make out it's not that bad to email sex workers for a next week appointment.

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 21-May-13 14:17:09

You know what? I could have predicted this response last night, but I thought he'd choose a different one. "It was a fantasy, I wasn't going to really do it" seems to be the default answer for men who are found out through their search history. It seems your husband just can't be bothered to think up a better excuse.

He booked a prostitute. He chose a time and date, and a porn star, and he matched it to her schedule so that she'd be passing through. He hid it from you, and acted like a wanker, and then when he realised you knew something was up, he sent you an email full of slosh that he knew you'd want to hear. He wasn't bothered before he realised something was up.

He needs to be honest with you if you are to have any chance of fixing this; if that's your intention. And that means admitting that he booked her, that he had every intention of using her, and that he has done it before.

nogoingback999 Tue 21-May-13 14:19:49

CajaSLM, you make an awful lot of sense unfortunately.

I feel like we could get passed this (maybe) if I knew the truth. How do I get it?

BalloonSlayer Tue 21-May-13 14:20:19

OK, so if he arranged this never intending for it to happen, why didn't he arrange it on a night where he would be at home? Why bother to arrange it for a time when he just happens to be staying at a hotel?

Doha Tue 21-May-13 14:24:04

He is a liar nogoingback999 anad not a very good one.
His story has so many holes in it--it's as leaky as a sieve.
Go away with the DC's for the weekend without him, let him stew but l feel you are never going to get the truth from him.
As has been said previously the date, time and schedule of meeting with the porn star is more than just fantasy.

spanky2 Tue 21-May-13 14:34:19

According to my doctor antidepressants reduce sex drive . The only question is do you love him? Only you know how you feel .
I couldn't stay with my dh . Booking a prostitute is the same as doing it. What do you want ? This is your life .

ColinCaterpillar Tue 21-May-13 14:36:51

The intent is worse in my opinion - lets not forget intent is the difference between manslaughter and murder. A shag could I suppose, sort of just happen. Premeditated supposes research, contemplation, weighing up the risks etc

sitzonhandz Tue 21-May-13 14:37:19

Are you military, op? Even if not, I guarantee you can be back in the UK super-fast using the company route. He (and indeed you) may also be a blue to access some decent counselling services if you pay into a health benefits fund (or are indeed military).

I'm not understanding, if you are based in Europe and have somewhere to go in the UK, why you have not just put yourself in the car with the children and started for home for some respite. You can go back to h ultimately, once you get your head straight, if you want to.

Unfortunately, I know a lot of wives and families that have returned to the UK without their partners for one reason or another.

And a know a heck of a lot of brothels in rural areas. grin and a heck of a lot of married men that behave completely differently the minute they are away on business. Being the only woman on a work trip is something of an eye opener.

PeppermintPasty Tue 21-May-13 14:38:37

I think going away is a good idea. You need some time, to sort out where your head is at, to think about practicalities, and how you are going to deal with all of this on a day to day basis while decisions are being made.

I would also heartily recommend seeing a solicitor, find out where you stand, whether or not you act on it.

Katnisscupcake Tue 21-May-13 14:41:54

OP, you said that you were going to email the site yourself to see if you get a reply.

If you are able to access his email account so that it looks like the email is coming from him, can you pretend that you are trying to confirm the booking for tomorrow night and see if you get a response?

If they did reply (and he's lying) they will confirm it or say that they're confused because he'd recently cancelled the booking (following you finding out).

Alternatively if he was telling the truth and they haven't replied to him, they may write and say that they were unable to 'meet his requirement on this occasion'.

Just a suggestion...

MatureUniStudent Tue 21-May-13 15:19:53

My first thought was through bitter experience with the soontobeex, was that prices have gone up. Are you sure the amount he was to pay, doesn't include her travelling expenses to where he is? The hotel room is already paid for, so I would suggest the extra £100/200 is to get her there.

Wish I didn't know how much a hooker was...

nogoingback999 Tue 21-May-13 15:29:47

I'm not from the uk, he is. I'm from further afield.
He's still protesting innocence. I don't know what I think anymore. Of course i want to believe him but I can't swallow his story. I told him the sticking point is the date he mentioned in the email. He admitted he picked it as she is in the uk at that time and it made the fantasy more realistic but he insists it was never going to happen in real life.

QueenofWhispers Tue 21-May-13 15:32:46

You maybe shouldn't listen to me, but this is what I would do.

I would very nicely bring it up at dinner. Maybe give everyone a copy of the email (board room style) and ask for an explanation because he is not just cheating on you, but the institution of family.

My mother did something like this--believe it or not, dad actually calmed down and figured things out--like not taking her or us for granted anymore...but then again we're an indian family and his family were very involved in our family life from the very start.

Chandon Tue 21-May-13 15:39:46

The idea that " it coud never have come true, as it s all taking place in the countryside" is unintentionally a hilarious argument.

As someone who lives in the countryside, it is nt more wholesome n terms of human behaviour than a city.

In the country you can find drugs and prostitution, it is just in a more picturesque setting.

I mean, really, of all the straws to clutch....

MrsSpagBol Tue 21-May-13 15:42:31

Sorry, not to trivialise your situation OP but what Mumsy said needs to be reiterated:

"Every single man on this board, when confronted with bookings/searches for hookers says it was just a fantasy- *don't these poor hookers get any work then if all that happens is punters look them up, book stuff, chat to them, but then mysteriously never go through with it.*"

That is so true!!! Sorry, OP. He is lying or minimising, at best.
Really sorry flowers.

Chandon Tue 21-May-13 15:55:19

Clearly subconsciously you want to believe him...

Just picture all the posters here, plus the lurkers saying: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, she isn't going to fall for that?! Surely?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

theboutiquemummy Tue 21-May-13 16:31:50

I would air it all in front of Pil the lot you never they may yet surprise you and offer support
He sounds like a complete addict to me drink porn prostitutes
I heard the testimony of a lady who's husband was like this she left him but needed counselling etc to get through it

Don't write yourself off i bet you are stronger then you think do what's right for you and the children n def take some legal advice x

lollydollydrop Tue 21-May-13 16:31:52

Trouble is, how do you prove it either way? Near enough impossible. And of course he has made sure he has deleted all evidence of his other meetings (or if he hadnt he certainly has now) so even if you trawled through his emails you would likely not find the evidence. I would think that if it is a regular thing/reality then someone else must know- his best friend maybe? Are you thinking of confiding in anyone in RL? I wouldn't be surprised if your friend of her DH knew something was amiss also.

Once the trust has gone...

You are a better woman than me, I dont think I would even consider for a second staying with the bastard. The kids are the only thing to think about with regards to implications of leaving imo. But they sound almost grown up, 17 and how old? You could start your life over and be with a man who deserves you and whom you trust. What a thing to do to your wife and mother of your children. I would not be able to look at him the same/feel the same about him ever again. I second the advice to get tested. I also dont think he realises the damage he has caused. This is absolutely disgraceful and I would think I would need someone to physically restrain me for the damage I could do to him!! I have been following your post with shock and disbelief since the OP, but now I am absolutely fuming on your behalf. What a thing to go through, so sorry. I hope you see sense and get the worm out of your life.

lollydollydrop Tue 21-May-13 16:33:14

'You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have'

Chubfuddler Tue 21-May-13 16:34:05

I thought the point of fantasies was that they weren't realistic?

He's lying op. so sorry.

Unfortunately, you will never get the truth.
He will never tell you everything - NEVER!

And what Chandon said - we are thinking the exact same thing!

Take care of yourself and give yourself some space. Get away with the kids for a couple of days and clear your head.

Only then will you be able to move on and do what is right. With him there talking to you all the time you can't possibly do what's right for you.

Cinnamom Tue 21-May-13 16:39:39

I have been lurking but came on just to say that what Chandon said. I am so angry at him and so many of us woman who fall for the most silly excuses just because we so badly want to believe our DH's

wellhellobeautiful Tue 21-May-13 16:50:04

Oh OP sorry you're going through this.

Didn't someone already predict that that would be his response back on page two or something?

Honestly OP, if you read some of the other prostitute threads on here you'll know that this response from your H is absolutely classic. It's like a formula.

"I only did it as a fantasy" because i get really turned on by making formal enquiries over email

"I've got depression/alcoholism/porn addiction/i'm stressed at work/you're a bitch." because i can't take responsibility for my actions

Then he'll make some half-arsed attempt at counselling for a couple of months before trying to sweep it all under the carpet as quickly as possible. And we'll see you back on here same time next year with a new thread.

Honestly? Just kick him out and save yourself a load of bullshit and heartache.

wellhellobeautiful Tue 21-May-13 16:51:26

Also, even if you buy the 'fantasy' excuse, that still means he was looking to have 'more exciting' webcam sex with a prostitute. Which would still be a deal breaker in my book.

So it's really no excuse at all. The pathetic wanker.

Spidermama Tue 21-May-13 17:05:51

nogoingback999 It really depends if you still want to be with him.
If it were me I'd be able to get over the prostitute thing, and most things really just as long as I felt I full knew the truth. That's what you're still lacking and how can you make any informed decisions when you don't know the actual truth.

I would tell him his chances of getting to stay with you are non existent without a full disclosure of the truth and a commitment to honesty in the future.

At least with a prostitute it means he doesn't intend to get emotionally involved with someone, so better than an affair surely.

lollydollydrop Tue 21-May-13 17:06:46

He really is very pathetic. How can you have any respect for him at all after this? I personally could not bear to be with someone I did not respect (nor who didn't respect me, as he obviously doesn't). Sorry, I know its more complicated than this as you have been together for so long and have DC's etc, but fundamentally can you honestly respect/trust him again?

lollydollydrop Tue 21-May-13 17:10:36

A prostitute is still lying, disrespectful and like someone else said possibly using the family money. Its not cheap!! Oh I am mad for you, get out while you can (for a weekend/week). You really do need head space, and I bet you end that week feeling so much better/stronger- you don't need to put up with this. Make sure he knows it.

I think that in his desperation to keep hold of you, the lies will continue to spew, so how you will get the full truth is a tricky one and I have no advice here, having never been in a similar situation. Maybe others can help x

Darkesteyes Tue 21-May-13 17:11:28

Spidermama i really cant believe what some people are willing to put up with. So you would be ok with the idea of a man seeing a woman as nothing but a receptacle to be bought.
Each to their own i guess but i couldnt be with a man like that.

CheeseStrawWars Tue 21-May-13 17:16:29

He's lying, but you know that. If you feel you need more concrete evidence, have you rung the city hotel to check if he was ever actually booked in there? Assuming he would book in his own name. Or have you rung the conference centre to check if he was booked in there? If he's not booked in the latter then you know he wasn't intending to sleep there. If he is booked in, double check the date of the booking. If it was booked after you found out about the email...

But you don't need any more evidence than you've got, really. He's a proven liar. He emailed another woman to ask about sex. Whether bodily fluids were exchanged after that point or not, the line was crossed.

Am also wondering whether there is a cancellation fee payable if he had booked and confirmed the prostitute and then cancelled after you found out...?

lollydollydrop Tue 21-May-13 17:16:49

'better than an affair surely' I dont understand this logic personally. Even if it is better than an affair, its not exactly good is it?!!! And you do hear some men who actually use the same hooker time and time again.. even if that didnt develop into a full blown affair, theres still an element of an emotional affair there. OP will never know whether that were to happen. It is possible that it would, if he has an addictive personality and has a problem with porn. Then it becomes more than 'just sex' (it more than just sex anyway imvho) If I were to stay, there would be so many groundrules to it; I would be demanding full control of all finances for example, a strict alcohol ban, possibly passwords to his emails etc etc

Spidermama Tue 21-May-13 17:17:50

I know what you mean darkesteyes and I'm not sure I could respect someone who did this.
However these women are well paid, go into it with their eyes open, and many would count themselves to be in control.
I just think if he's that desperate to have sex with someone else, it's less complicated than having an actual affair perhaps.

schobe Tue 21-May-13 17:18:45

It's amazing how many guys apparently book prostitutes just to get turned on.

But of course they fully intend to cancel hmm

What a genius he is, I wonder how long it took him to come up with that cover story.

No wonder he is back tracking on all the other shit as he is just about to get away with a big one.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 21-May-13 17:20:32

I am sorry for what your H is putting you through. Here's a fantasy you could conjure up. The man you once knew, the really nice guy you married comes back again.

We've had some fantastic years together but frankly the last few have been pretty difficult and I have been very lonely and worried about our relationship.

I'm assuming if it was all 'just pretending' he didn't expand that fantasy to include the drama of being found out? If he did he might have envisaged hysterical bonding as it's termed whereby you spend hours making love and try so very hard to be everything he's been dreaming of. NB presumably the effort all has to come from you of course as he evidently hasn't noticed/doesn't care about your unhappiness.

I would worry that the leap from imagining a raunchy scenario to ultimately fulfilling it might not be very difficult to accomplish, especially when a partner is trusting and far from home and trying to see her H through depression. If he was so disenchanted with what home life has to offer that he needs that extra buzz, how can he reassure you that he won't do this again or go further? It's a pretty dangerous game to play.

Chubfuddler Tue 21-May-13 17:22:00

Well let's all queue up to be married to men desperate to have sex with someone else.

Bloody hell. A prostitute is much much much worse than an affair.

lollydollydrop Tue 21-May-13 17:22:54

But then I just wouldnt be able to shake the deceit and betrayal, even if you do manage to get the trust back, what's to say that once you stop 'spying' on him/taking control of the finances etc, he wont just use that first bit of freedom to thrill seek again? I think it comes down to your personality and threshold of what you will be willing to put up with/be able to forgive. I know for me it would ruin the relationship, things would never be the same again. It would be tainted and I would be just too sad every day knowing that, so I would have to let him go and then start over again. But thats me and not you, it a horrible position for you to be in I'm so sorry. I think you need both time and space to consider all your options and make decisions. Only you know how genuinne he is being in his admissions now of needing to get help etc. Would you both get relationship counselling? It sounds like he needs professional help for a sex addiction at the very least.

nogoingback999 Tue 21-May-13 17:24:14

If he's been with a prostitute then I'm out. Can't be bothered with that at all. I am just not sure if he has or hasn't. I think I will take the kids away for a few days and let him stew. I might even come to some kind of conclusion hopefully. He asked to come with us but I said no.
I know you all say LTB but this is a man I have trusted for 18 years and who up to know hasn't given me a reason not to. Its a big deal to turn my back on that.

CuttedUpPear Tue 21-May-13 17:27:25

I'm sorry that your resolve of last night has been so weakened by his obvious slimy lies.
I think you need to get some space for yourself and the DCs.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 21-May-13 17:27:50

I am not saying LTB, I am sad that you are trying to keep the wagon wheels from falling off while he is steering into every pothole he can find.

18 years and how many of the last few have been golden?

Chubfuddler Tue 21-May-13 17:31:27

Sunk cost fallacy op. look it up. You've been hurting for years. Those years are gone whatever happens in the future.

CheeseStrawWars Tue 21-May-13 17:32:07

"... a drink problem (just found out it was worse than I thought and that he'd been hiding the extent of it from me)"

"...I knew he used porn but he says I didn't know how much"

Two reasons not to trust him. Seems he's used to hiding things from you.

wellhellobeautiful Tue 21-May-13 17:34:27

Go and get some headspace and let it all sink in without him spoon feeding you lie after lie in an attempt to derail you.

To us all it is so obvious that he is full of shit.

Hopefully it will be to you too once you're able to get away from him for a bit.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 21-May-13 17:36:47

I was going to say, invent some crisis back home, (it is actually on your own doorstep but stretch the truth), get a trusted person to place a call to you, H's work may give help to go home on compassionate grounds.
But perhaps better to keep it simple, just get space from him.
Best wishes.

beachyhead Tue 21-May-13 17:47:16

I would take a long hard look at your joint finances to see if you can see any large amount of cash being removed from your accounts. You need comfort that this 'expenditure' has never happened before.

I presume he is not going on the business trip anymore!

Back2Two Tue 21-May-13 18:02:54

I feel so sorry for you nogoing
I can only imagine a little bit of what you must feel like, and through that feel that the thing you need most of all ASAP is HEADSPACE.

Do go away and DO NOT let him go with you (sort of smacks of desperation that he has asked to go with you when he knows the whole purpose of your trip is to get away from him!) He doesn't want you to be able to think clearly, he wants to be able to fill your head with his version of reality and (no doubt) all his promises of a better future.

I know that having trusted someone implicitly, it must be harder than rock to realise that they have lied to you. But he has lied.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Tue 21-May-13 19:11:04

"It's just a fantasy" only really ever worked for Billy Joel. hmm

nogoingback999 Tue 21-May-13 21:32:14

Me and the kids are going away for the weekend. To clear my head and escape his talk. It basically comes down to whether I believe him or not. Having his parents here has made working through it hard. I'm just trying to bottle it all up as I don't want to talk to them about it. Im hoping that he'll get a shock when I leave for the weekend with the kids and perhaps give me the truth. It's the date in the letter that makes me think he's lying. I want the truth though.

Approachingdarkness Tue 21-May-13 21:38:43

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Chubfuddler Tue 21-May-13 21:41:16

I have the worlds smallest violin here on which I play a little tune for anyone, male or female, who thinks paying for sex or having an affair is a valid or justified response to being in any way dissatisfied with their marriage.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Tue 21-May-13 21:45:36

The 'it was a fantasy' thing is, as many pp have said, just a line. A fantasy is something you cook up in your head - the point of it is that you don't need anything else. If you did, Megan Fox's email account would be permanently overloaded with men asking her if she'd consider a steamy night out. Your husband could have concocted a fantasy about sleeping with a prostitute without the bother of typing out an email - that is the marker that his plan was to actually do it.

Branleuse Tue 21-May-13 21:58:40

I dont have any advice, as ive no idea what id do.
I just want to send a virtual hug, and some hand holding.
Your head must be all over the place.xxxx

Scarletohello Tue 21-May-13 22:09:55

Sorry honey, he was planning to do it. His excuse makes no sense, it's just what he could come up with. Please don't believe him, I know you're in shock and you are in shock but he's majourly disrespecting you

lollydollydrop Tue 21-May-13 22:23:14

Approachingdarkness your message/link made me die a little inside

Mumsyblouse Tue 21-May-13 22:23:26

The other implausible thing in this scenario is that the very first time he decided to enact this (all too realistic) fantasy, you happened to check his phone. Lucky those other inbox emails were deleted, eh?

If you start adding up the odds- the very small chance this was the first time he ever did this, plus the very small chance it was a fantasy, the very small chance that a fantasy would involve a very business-like description of services required plus the very small chance that his fantasy involved someone on a night he was free and at a conference, well it's an infinitesimally small chance he's not a complete liar, really.

I'm so sorry, I really feel for you especially if you are away. One good way to get to the bottom of this is to ask to see all the deleted emails to prove that it really was the first time and that this was just a fantasy. If he says you can't get them back, say that you could contact his work/they are probably still on the server/you think there are special programmes which can be used to retrieve lost data (this bit is made up by the way). His reaction to this plan will tell you all you need to know.

lollydollydrop Tue 21-May-13 22:29:11

My OH is a computer programmer, I could get advice on accessing his email account if you needed it. Just because he has deleted the messages, doesnt mean they are permanently 'disappeared'. I would agree with Mumsy, and I think that if you stick to your guns and are adamant about wanting 'proof' one way or another, he may even relent and just tell you the truth. He cant spout any shit about the fact you want to see his emails, or about you 'not trusting him' anymore because he has given you massive reason to doubt him, so he should be able to either prove his innocence (in the loosest sense, I mean prove he hasnt done this before) or have the guts and respect for you enough to tell you the truth.

lollydollydrop Tue 21-May-13 22:31:55

Can you tell when he is lying to you when he looks you straight in the eye? My OH is a terrible lier so I can- if so I would be demanding for details of his internet accounts and passwords, you can search his history and activity on any hooker websites. If his internet history has been deleted prior to the onset of this trip, red flag

Hunn1e Tue 21-May-13 22:32:41

Not sure if its too late - I'm a UK lawyer.
What you should do really depends on where in the world you are. If you are in an Islamic country, be very, very careful before you do anything at all. Plan carefully and get back to the UK. Make sure you and your kids are safe. Perhaps go to the embassy. Are his parents there to keep an eye on you do you think? Sorry if this sounds alarming. You could try a firm of lawyers who are in Covent Garden, called FLIP, who specialise in this kind of thing.

Darkesteyes Tue 21-May-13 22:36:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chubfuddler Tue 21-May-13 22:39:38

Darkest I really don't think he was talking about that at all. He was justifying the comments on puntersnet.

Mumsyblouse Tue 21-May-13 22:39:58

Its an expat posting in europe. Been here 2 years and due to be here for another 3. Kids are not born here. Born in my home country and hold passports for mine and his (UK) country.

Hunn1e I think the OP is in Europe, see above (good advice by the way, I worry so much about my friends living out in Dubai etc in these situations). But- this may change things again, if they have been resident for a number of years, can she just get up and leave if it is covered by Hague convention? I would be very tempted to myself and see what he was going to do about it, just go home, but I think legal advice is always the best in these situations.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 21-May-13 22:40:49

That's not actually what Approaching mentioned; those quotes were taken from Field Reports. Approaching was posting about the message board attached, where discussions take place, rather than blunt opinions being given.

Darkesteyes Tue 21-May-13 22:42:32

Oh shit. Sorry. Just want to say that there is no excuse for the comments ive seen. No excuse at all sad angry

Darkesteyes Tue 21-May-13 22:43:24

Sorry if i fucked up.

Chubfuddler Tue 21-May-13 22:44:32

Oh it's not your fault. I had to read his message several times because I really couldn't believe the crassness of it.

lollydollydrop Tue 21-May-13 22:48:34

I would advise OP not to click on Darkesteyes link unless she Really wants to upset herself regarding what her H may or may not have done. Not nice.

Quodlibet Tue 21-May-13 22:56:29

There are always going to be many unanswered questions here. Did he send the email? Did he get a response? Did he actually make a booking? If you hadn't caught him would he have gone through with it?

To be blunt though, you can never know any of these for sure and you could go round and round them forever. All of them are dependant on the extent to which he decides to tell the truth or to lie right now - outside of your control. Will any of the answers you seek bring you peace of mind?

What you do know for sure is that he made a plan - acted out to a greater or lesser extent - to book and pay a woman for sex. In my mind that's all the information you need to base your decision on. Can you live with him after this?

Darkesteyes Tue 21-May-13 22:58:00

I will ask MN to remove my post

Darkesteyes Tue 21-May-13 23:00:04

Have now asked them to remove it.

CheerfulYank Tue 21-May-13 23:00:05

God that's grim. sad

Darkesteyes Tue 21-May-13 23:03:22

<puts head in hands>

CheerfulYank Tue 21-May-13 23:09:40

I'm leaving it up so DH and I can talk about it when he gets home...and what we can do so DS does not grow up to have those thoughts. What the hell is the matter with those men?

Sorry to hijack OP.

forgetmenots Tue 21-May-13 23:09:41

Not your fault darkesteyes, it's an eyeopener certainly.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 21-May-13 23:12:17

It's gone.

Darkesteyes Tue 21-May-13 23:22:45

There is a thread about the project on the Feminism board.

Hunn1e Wed 22-May-13 06:58:57

A relief to hear you are in Europe - the embassy might still be a good place to start - call them and get advice as to what would be legal.

I think you said one of your kids is 17 - where her she stays or goes is her choice. I think once you've made a decision she's old enough to be told why - her father is letting her down with this too. If he's done it before, think about the health issues and risks he's put you under - your daughter has the right to know that her mum is strong enough to say no to his crap and has the courage to tell her the truth - dont be a martyr and let the kids think you're leaving is a decision you made for your own reasons. If they choose to hate their dad as a result of what you tell them, don't encourage that, but it's not your fault, it's his.

Whether you'd be seen to be "abducting" children depends on their ages and the circumstances.

Chubfuddler Wed 22-May-13 07:07:07

Good point hunnie, if the children are old enough to express a wish to go with the op I don't think she can be stopped.

nogoingback999 Wed 22-May-13 10:03:03

So I sent the same message to the email address of the escort company that he sent. He said he got no reply... I got this..

Hi,

Thank you for your email;

Please call the office regarding your appointment and any information required. If you received this it means you need to call as soon as possible.

Kind regards

Vicky
Manager

So I was thinking of creating a fake gmail and emailing 'from him' to confirm the booking. Chances are its too late or that they will tell me to ring. Any ideas how I can get some info on whether he booked or not. He's still professing innocence.

RiotsNotDiets Wed 22-May-13 10:15:20

Why would they reply to you and not to him?

He's lying OP.

You deserve better

Lucylloyd13 Wed 22-May-13 10:28:50

Clearly, a husband bedding hookers is unacceptable.

However the issues associated with this are the root of the problem. His depression, the causes for that, and your deteriorating personal relationship predate this.

Neither of these may be your "fault", but those are the more substantive issues to deal with, hookers are just the end result.

moleavenger Wed 22-May-13 10:37:49

I've made a couple of documentaries about prostitution and spent quite a lot of time in brothels and with escorts (as a result of making the documentaries.) One thing's for sure - hookers don't make appointments over email or text. They will only make an appointment over the phone. They have a category for the men who email but don't talk on the phone and that's the category who never actually go through with it. They have a name for them - I can't remember what it is. They're the ones who want to reach out and get off on the correspondence or the interaction with the hooker and the danger of it, rather than actually want to have sex with the hooker.

I'm not saying your OP didn't want to do it, no-one can be certain of that - but there is some -some - plausibility in his story.

However, I don't think there is any plausibility in his morals. The fact he even reached out, that he wanted this interaction means that he is looking outside of your marriage for some sort of internal or external arousal.

I am sorry OP that you are going through this and I hope you can come out of the other side in the best way possible.

QueenofWhispers Wed 22-May-13 10:40:16

oooh can someone pretend to be a hooker and see if they can catch him? would that be entrapment?

moleavenger Wed 22-May-13 10:43:46

that's a good idea, QueenofWhispers.
Maybe we wait a couple of weeks, the OP sends one of us his email address and we send a few "personal marketing emails"

QueenofWhispers Wed 22-May-13 10:59:29

but then would it make me as bad as him?

but can we do it anyway? I'm pregnant and really hormotional and could really get my hatred for men out one way or another.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 22-May-13 11:18:48

Going back to the issue of telling DD (17), surely while things are so up in the air it is better to hold back, she may have picked up there is trouble afoot but it would only add another upset person to the mix.

Sorry OP I don't know what to suggest regarding ascertaining whether any real booking was made. Have you checked back on bank accounts and unusual spending patterns?

I'd ask a man to call the number and confirm the booking. That will tell you if he made one or not.

comingintomyown Wed 22-May-13 11:54:38

I had a DH of 17 years who was completely moral , good guy, trustworthy etc etc but actually he wasnt.

I didnt bother doing much snooping or digging once I realised what he was up to but that that I did do confirmed he only ever admitted to what I could prove.

I would think from what you have said hes lying its just a question of on what scale really. Its a shock when you realise your DH is just like so many gone before him and not special at all

lollydollydrop Wed 22-May-13 12:24:11

Why are so many men such shits? One of the people posting on this thread PM'ed me, he's a male 'much older' than me who came onto the Relationships thread to pick up women, and told me that he also used escort services due to a sexless marriage. WTF.

deste Wed 22-May-13 12:27:43

I would be cancelling the booking.

Mumsyblouse Wed 22-May-13 12:30:10

lolly what a charmer! Hope you are ok, that's not a very nice thing to do to someone.

OP I hope you are ok today, this must be so stressful for you, I don't have any advice except to sit with it and do what you think is right in the long run, and keep your wits about you.

I wouldn't be happy if my husband emailed hookers for kicks, even if he never went through with it- but the fact that he emailed for an appointment for a time he was away at a conference makes me think it was a genuine enquiry rather just emailed for the thrill of it.

lollydollydrop Wed 22-May-13 12:33:37

He was emailing me to apologise for a post he thought had caused offence, but managed to drop in there all this other irrelevant information.. I got the feeling just 'on the off-chance' he got any response out of me. Which he didn't. Feel dirty! Poor wives everywhere sad

Chubfuddler Wed 22-May-13 12:40:27

Lolly you can report pms and block the sender from sending you any more.

Creep. Yes you up thread. You're a creep.

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 22-May-13 12:46:17

Oh what a sad bloody thread.

I have no advice but what a shitty situation to be in.

Am astonished that anyone would consider an affair to be worse than her husband using a prostitute. As hard as an affair would be at least you could explain it by normal human feeling. It wouldn't be as visceral as knowing your husband thought it was OK to purchase a woman to have sex on.

BOF Wed 22-May-13 12:52:15

Name and shame, Lolly, name and shame. What a loser.

QueenofWhispers Wed 22-May-13 13:01:49

and please please please don't let it be my husband.

BOF Wed 22-May-13 13:13:05

What, he's on this thread?

BOF Wed 22-May-13 13:13:37

Is he the creepy one talking about punternet?

lollydollydrop Wed 22-May-13 13:19:37

Hahaha!! You got it BOF (must stand for Bofffin!)

Chubfuddler Wed 22-May-13 13:19:58

I think so Bof.

Samu2 Wed 22-May-13 13:34:59

OP, if this was happening to your friend what would you say?

I think you know he is lying. None of it rings true does it? sad

I am so sorry you are in this position and I wish you strength to deal with it, whichever way you decide to go xx

AnyFucker Wed 22-May-13 14:03:40

Approaching darkness

Wanker name

Wanker behaviour

Your ilk ain't welcome here.

BeCool Wed 22-May-13 14:21:00

re all this booking prostitutes online, along with all these claims by men to make fantasy bookings, surely any business in this area would insist on taking a deposit prior to confirming any booking?

Otherwise you would have prostitutes & porn stars turning up to all these "fantasy addresses" for dates with mythical punters. I can't imagine they wouldn't address time wasters (as they are apparently so very common) in their ^ ahem^ business model.

OP can you see if any payment has gone out of his account around the time of the email? It won't be under an obvious name.

I have no idea what a deposit for a £500-£800 pound booking would be. In my line of business (music) we always ask for 50% up front.

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 22-May-13 14:22:21

Urgh.

Darkesteyes Wed 22-May-13 14:24:18

lolly im a woman in a sexless marriage but i would NEVER consider using a male escort. And we had a man on here a couple of months ago who said he was in a sexless marriage but he drip fed that he was having sex with his wife twice a month.
Being as i am in a genuinely sexless marriage with a DH that hasnt touched me for 17 years it fucking winds me up when the term is used so flippantly.

BeCool Wed 22-May-13 14:26:31

lolly that is dreadful! What a shock!

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 22-May-13 14:27:29

OP...has he said anything else?

If he hasn't, I don't think you'll ever get the truth without digging for it yourself. He has the chance to come clean and try to rebuild this, but he's keeping the skeletons in his closet, and only reacting to what he thinks that you know.

I'd call his bluff, and pretend to know everything; be very quiet, don't fill silences and don't let on what you know. Just let him talk his way into a hole, and don't react. He'll fill the silence, and then you can walk away (or fight this out) knowing everything.

If he can't give you that, than I don't think you've got anything to save.

For what it's worth, it may well be the case that he's contacted the prostitute about you emailing, or that they are booked that night (with your husband) and therefore want you to call so that they can talk you into using a different prostitute/a different time/etc.

You may be able to get them to talk to you about your husband, but he's the client and they make money from him, so they'll likely refuse to talk to you. It would also become a very sad state of affairs if you have to hear it from the prostitute herself.

Have you checked his bank statements? Searched his email inbox? Is it possible that he has another email/phone?

Darkesteyes Wed 22-May-13 14:29:20

Oh and btw Approaching just to save you some wear and tear on your fingers... the lack of sex in my situ aint down to me. I had an OM for 4 and a half years.

Darkesteyes Wed 22-May-13 14:29:58

Sorry for going off on a hijack OP

Approachingdarkness Wed 22-May-13 14:59:50

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

lollydollydrop Wed 22-May-13 15:14:25

I have been 'contacted' before by men online, and had a pretty distressing experience when I was 15 and it turned out the person I was talking to and was pressing me to meet was much much older than me, 57. I got the impression that you were here to 'pick up' darkness, sorry if not.

You say 'I never never wanted to end up having to buy sex'. You dont have to do anything. No one is forcing you. Whilst I have some sympathies for your situation, it still does not justify your actions against your wife, however you may try to skirt responsibility and convince yourself of this. I think you need to talk to your wife more, if I thought that my OH was even considering resorting to paying for sex, I would certainly step up my game! But if she is asexual and simply does not want it, ever, then she needs to know what you would be/are willing to do to get it. That way she can either choose to give her blessing to you or walk away from the relationship. Maybe you werent in therapy long enough, or maybe you werent with the right therapist. Sounds like the subject is the elephant in the room. I bet she feels it too, and starting that conversation wont be half as difficult as the conversation whereby she has found out you pay prostitutes for sex.

I hope you are ok OP and are getting time to think things through. I dont know how much can be gained from finding out whether he made the appointment or not, I have searched online and there do seem to be 'time wasters' who contact these hookers just for sad kicks. But if you did want to know I agree with the person who suggested asking a male to phone and confirm, or checking his bank accounts. If you called though there could be crossed wires and you may end up with the wrong impression. I have a feeling you will end up sticking with H and working through it- if thats what you want then all the best, I hope you are strong enough to know what is right for you and your kids xx

spanky2 Wed 22-May-13 16:30:31

I sort of understand where darkesteyes is coming from as my poor dh doesn't get regular sex as I have mental health issues which have lead to a lack of sex drive . I do worry about the effect this has on him up. However it is not acceptable for him to have sex behind my back . What are they meant to do? I hope you are okay op as we haven't heard from you for a while .

Darkesteyes Wed 22-May-13 19:13:58

spanky in my case my Dh has disabilities. But hes had those for seven years and hasnt wanted me for 17.
I found a sexless marriage forum recently which discusses whether situations like mine are abusive.

Darkesteyes Wed 22-May-13 19:22:01
Darkesteyes Wed 22-May-13 19:24:31

Sorry to hijack so much OP How are things now? Im with Caja on this. You wont get anything like the full truth without digging for it.

nogoingback999 Wed 22-May-13 21:29:09

Thanks for asking after me. Its been a strange time. i'm not reacting the way I thought I would (ie hardly any crying etc) , I just feel numb. I cant wait to get away this weekend. DH has gone away for work and I will be gone before he gets back. I really need some solitude and some time to think through whats happened. I've just booked into a hotel with a pool where the kids can hang out and i can just sit and think. 17 yr old Ds is staying with a friend, I haven't told her anything, but she knows something is up

I'm shifting constantly in my thinking. Its hard to reconcile whats happened to the man he used to be. I know that depression and alcohol have been a factor and that he is addressing them so part of me dosen't want to blame him completely due to these issues.

Then I'll think 'he's just shitting me" and playing me for a fool and I'll start thinking of leaving again.

Today he emailed the escort agency and bcc me in asking to confirm his booking... to prove that he didn't have one. I don't even know what I think about that yet.

I asked him to think about how being honest he is being with me. He says he is utterly and that I know all his secrets now and that the worst of his secrets were actually around the drinking. I just asked that he think over the next couple of days that the one thing he can give me now is the honest truth and let me decide what to do based on that.

He asked again if I wanted him to come this weekend and I said no. I don't know what I will decide (really don't). I know I need some space to decide that though on my own.

Thanks again guys. With no one here to talk this over with, I have really appreciated hearing your kind and wise words.

Darkesteyes Wed 22-May-13 22:04:38

nogoingback Its understandable that you feel confused. And i understand the numb thing. You end up emotionally detatching to prevent being hurt any more.
You deserve more.

lollydollydrop Wed 22-May-13 22:21:13

OP don't put yourself under any pressure to make a quick decision. Its really good that you have the weekend to yourself- but you dont need to have decided by the end of that. Of course you are all over the place with your thoughts and I understand the going backwards and forth. You may need longer than you think/hope to become clearer. Don't let him rush you in any of this, do it in your own time.

Hunn1e Wed 22-May-13 23:08:03

OP, I have an idea......feel free to ignore, but i presume there are things you'd rather spend £800 on than him getting his leg over, so rain on his parade. Call the number they gave you in the email and tell them his name and email address and tell them he is being followed by a PI and that if he hooks up with one of their prostitutes the police will be involved. They will run a mile - they don't need the hassle.

Mumsyblouse Wed 22-May-13 23:21:44

Hotel sounds good, just take some time for yourself, but as others have said, don't feel you have to come back with a decision immediately. In my experience sometimes you can't decide what to do, you do one thing, that feels wrong so you end up with the other option- the decision will evolve. You might feel differently in six months. Hope it goes ok, what an awful week for you.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Thu 23-May-13 00:00:34

The email tactic though gives him the capacity to lie and say they have not emailed back, again. The bcc doesn't mean you would get any reply, so he could just delete a reply that says something inconvenient.

Agree with the posts telling you to take your time over all this. Don't let him pressure you into having to say it's all fine now if it's not.

spanky2 Thu 30-May-13 20:59:23

What did you decide? Are you okay ?

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