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family trauma

(98 Posts)
hullbird72 Sun 19-May-13 22:05:08

my partner and I have 3 children: 5, 3 & 2. I work ft and he looks after them till 4 ish wen he goes to the pub till 7ish. since November he has been acting like an idiot constantly bullying me; name calling, sleeping in the loft and generally being a shit. when I confront the situation he just tells me to leave. he says the kids don,t even like me, I am a thick useless mother etc. I just do not know what to do. I definitely would never leave the kids but I am just so unhappy . I have no family here and I am embarrassed to be in this awful situation. in the past he has been violent but has not hit me lately .

Ledkr Sun 19-May-13 22:07:15

What do you want us to say? It's clear you should leave.
Are you in the uk? Can you contact women's aid?

Ledkr Sun 19-May-13 22:07:57

Don't be embarrassed either. It's him on the wrong not you.

Salbertina Sun 19-May-13 22:11:15

Op, he's an abusive bully. You leaving him does not mean leaving your kids, don't listen to his lies. Contact a refuge and get out, with them. He should never have hit you and you don't deserve to be under any threat of it happening again. Good luck and stay resolute.

hullbird72 Sun 19-May-13 22:29:09

thanks for the support do you think I should leave with the kids he is clearly trying to get me to leave. he also says he will go for full custody as I am not the main caret?

Ledkr Sun 19-May-13 22:31:07

Op can you get this thread moved to relationships you will get great advice there.
Click on report post and ask hq to move it

hullbird72 Sun 19-May-13 22:31:50

I am in the uk and will look up women's aid

Salbertina Sun 19-May-13 22:34:51

I think you need proper advice, am not an expert- contact citizens advice, lawyer, women's aid?

Is he an alcoholic or is pub more socialising? Whatever, it sounds at v least unbalanced that you work ft and he hotfoots it to pub leaving you with hours of childcare /chores! You're supporting him and doing much of the childcare on top! Sounds as if you could have strong case esp with his violent past. But you're right to be cautious, check your case before you leave. Maybe he should and you get locks changed/restraining order?? Pls get oroper advice though!

hullbird72 Sun 19-May-13 22:35:43

I have done that Ledkr thanks. I am all new to this.

hullbird72 Sun 19-May-13 22:44:34

I am not sure what constitutes an alcoholic but he drinks 5 pints average every night. without fail. he goes to the pub to socialise as he needs the adult co which I can empathise with. he is a good father and keeps the house clean although I am expected to take over at weekends. I did not want this to happen as I hate the idea of broken homes but I cannot see the situation changing and as the kids get older it will effect them. I am afraid as he is a violent bully and he will not give up without a fight. I do know I need to get some advice but I think this me doing this is me finally admitting there is no resolution

Salbertina Sun 19-May-13 22:51:44

Hull, stepbystep, just get the advice first then plan accordingly otherwise ad you say it must feel so overwhelming. hmm

5 pints daily is a lot, say functioning alcoholic? Helps your case though that and more to the point, his violence.

You sound sorted, Op, in yourself- you have a full-time job and are a concerned mother. Am sure you alone would provide a better home for dc than one where they see physical and verbal abuse. Please see that.

hullbird72 Sun 19-May-13 23:02:55

I will get some advice. thanks so much for yours. good night 😣

Salbertina Sun 19-May-13 23:04:35

Good night, Hull. Hope tomorrow brings you a way to move forward.

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 20-May-13 12:24:15


We're going to move this to Relationships, at the request of the OP.

hullbird72 Mon 20-May-13 16:42:55

thanks sal
thread moved to relationships now

Salbertina Mon 20-May-13 17:00:19

Hi there. How are you doing?

Musicaltheatremum Mon 20-May-13 17:07:06

5 pints a night is 70 units a week, way over the recommended level of alcohol for an adult male. Yes he needs adult company but surely he can have a couple of nights off a week or do something more constructive.

You should not have to put up with this.

hullbird72 Mon 20-May-13 18:23:07

I know this is unreasonable but he has been very manipulative. I know this cannot go on I just need to know how to move forward? another thing I put up the 50k deposit for the house and have always paid the mortgage from my account. however he reckons the house is his as his name is 1st on the correspondence etc. this is bollocks I take it? any advice from anyone please and thanks to m t mum and sal

Salbertina Mon 20-May-13 18:32:27

Poor you, Op. can appreciate how hard it is, not unreasonable at all.

Go to CAB or solicitor for proper legal advice. Not an expert but assume key questions might include:

Is mortgage in your joint names?
Are you married?
Evidence of mortgage payment and deposit from your bank?
Main carer for dc and agreement on where to live in their best interests?

I think he's trying to scare you when he says house is "his", doesn't seem likely but legal advice would clarify.

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 18:37:55

Is this a sudden change in personality? It sounds as if he's chronically depressed. No excuse for his shitty behaviour, but is this a relationship you want to save? If so, an appointment with his doctor, either him, you or together may be the first step.

As long as you and the kids are safe though x

Salbertina Mon 20-May-13 19:09:04

He is violent though.. Whats to save?

hullbird72 Mon 20-May-13 19:18:29

you know kitty you may be right it all kicked off when we went on champix and gave up smoking 6 months ago. he reckons its all me of course. regardless he is too macho and stubborn to seek any kind of help. I know he has been violent too but I would try if he was willing to admit fault and try to change

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 19:24:36

Shit, sorry, completely read over the violence. Frank discussion on where he wants this to go in line with yours and the kids needs. He can either leave you and the kids and find help whilst building your relationship back up, or, alternatively, he can leave by being forced with no hope of retrieving the relationship. Have you involved police or WA in the past about his violence? If he goes with a fight, any solicitor would say you and the kids should stay in the marital home for stability, I would imagine.

JojoMags Mon 20-May-13 19:36:35

Go to the CAB. They will be able to tell you where you stand legally with the house and mortgage, with bank accounts and a raft of other things. That way you know where you stand and which of his threats are empty (probably most of them).

My DH works ft and I am the stay at home carer. I would not dream of disappearing to the pub for three hours every night and leaving DH to get on with everthing. We all need adult company/time out of the house but this is ridiculous and incredibly selfish. You say he is a good dad, but being a good dad means being a good husband, and he's neither of those things if violent, drunk, manipulative, selfish and mean. What kind of an example is he setting your kids? Do you want them to grow up thinking its OK to behave as he does? Get your facts sorted and leave him.

hullbird72 Mon 20-May-13 20:32:03

jojo u r so right I will i need to for my own sanity. the things he has done and said a lesser woman would have cracked up I think I have heard the accusations of me being lazy, selfish, thick etc for so long I have failed to acknowledge the things u have so acutely pointed out I think I needed this frank point of view from an outsider to realise thanks

hullbird72 Wed 22-May-13 22:47:56

things have been awful tonight loads of verbal abuse thick fucking ugly disgusting minging slag. even got the kids to call me stupid and taunt me. 5 yr old was really confused and upset she started screaming when she thought daddy was going to hit me . I need to get him to leave but why should he, he is clearly trying to crack me up , get me to leave. I worry if I ring he police they will take the kids away it he will destroy me ?

AlfalfaMum Wed 22-May-13 23:21:13

Please call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. They will advise you re. How to proceed.
This situation is awful for you, and damaging your children. What was he doing exactly when your 5 year old was scared?

Regarding your house, you surely have a bigger claim on it as you pay for it? He shouldn't get custody, he's an abusive alcoholic.

Mumsyblouse Wed 22-May-13 23:24:40

The police won't take your children away- please call them if it kicks off tonight. Can you take the children and go somewhere? I would be worried for your safety. What he is doing is abusive and you need to remove yourself and the children. Call Women's Aid as well on the number given above.

cestlavielife Wed 22-May-13 23:34:34

No the police will take him away if you call them.

If you tell them you want to stay with him then yes kids better off elsewhere but if you ask for help to remove him clearly the kids stay with you.

Report his abuse. Report his past violence. It is the only way.

Can you arrange other child are eg childminder after school, club?

If he is violent and abusive and you report him you have a case to have sole residence regardless of whether you work or not But you need to report .

hullbird72 Mon 15-Jul-13 20:32:12

About a month ago he kicked off again hitting me in front of the kids I packed my bags the next day and took the kids to my parents. We stayed until he moved out. Now he is putting the pressure on for us to try again, saying all the right things promising to change, try hard, big regrets etc. any advice people can abusive manipulative people change is it worth trying again for the sake of the kids?.

hullbird72 Mon 15-Jul-13 20:41:46

About a month ago he kicked off again hitting me in front of the kids I packed my bags the next day and took the kids to my parents. We stayed until he moved out. Now he is putting the pressure on for us to try again, saying all the right things promising to change, try hard, big regrets etc. any advice people can abusive manipulative people change is it worth trying again for the sake of the kids?.

IAmNotAMindReader Mon 15-Jul-13 21:06:21

No they don't not in this short space of time.
Abusive and and manipulative people very rarely change. He would need counselling for a long time on his own not involved with you and if he ever did have that epiphany he would realise the damage he had done and let you heal, move on and be free.

No it isn't worth trying again for the kids do you seriously want them to be in that situation again the relationships they see as they grow is what they model their adult relationships on.

newlifeforme Mon 15-Jul-13 21:15:45

Well done for leaving, you have done the right thing and have protected your children.

No, abusive people need counselling to change.My H had an awful childhood which has made him controlling and abusive.He has been in counselling 9 months and if anything its worse as he has to go through the anger from his childhood.

Don't give in to the pressure. I cannot see any way that a reconciliation would be of benefit to your children...they really do not need to see their mother being abused.

The chances of him being able or willing to change are vanishingly small.

hullbird72 Mon 15-Jul-13 21:31:41

The kids are still very young so I hope this will not effect them, your comments reassure me that I am doing the right thing. Thanks for the advice.

Doha Mon 15-Jul-13 21:38:02

No he hasn't changed his lifestyle has tho!!
He has probably found that the grass is not greener on the other side and also he has lost his meal ticket.

Stay strong and keep him away

DHtotalnob Mon 15-Jul-13 22:31:57

however he reckons the house is his as his name is 1st on the correspondence etc. this is bollocks I take it?

of course it's bollocks. You know that. Personality defects aside, he's the one that sound like a fucking moron to me. Stop trying to work him out and protect your children and yourself. He is poison.

I don't usually sound off like this, but you are on the cusp of losing faith in your own thoughts. Come back!!!! We'll catch you.

hullbird72 Wed 17-Jul-13 18:57:47

hey DH I am not lost to his attempt at charm I think in reality I was just maybe hoping there was a slim chance he may be normal but I know this is not true he is desperately trying to claw his way back in but fact is I just do not trust him and could never get over the years of unreasonable abuse he has put me through, I have been in touch with the police and had photos taken when he kicked off that last time unfortunately it is considered low priority and as such he has not been interviewed yet??

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 19:05:06

Please stay away from him and be persistent with the police so that it is on record that he is violent. Your children will be so much better away from an atmosphere of aggression and fear. He is anything but normal. Good luck

hullbird72 Wed 17-Jul-13 19:44:28

Thanks I am trying to be strong but I think I am letting him see the children too often and he is becoming too familiar again just walking in the house etc, what is reasonable access anyone? I have been letting him see then an hour a night and mornings sat and sun?

Doha Wed 17-Jul-13 19:52:24

He can see the kids as often as you want but he does not need to come to the house to do so.

How much contact do you think he would want if you said you had to meet/do the handover at a park or cafe.
Could it be that he is seeing the children so often just to get to see you more often and wear you down?

IAmNotAMindReader Wed 17-Jul-13 19:58:43

Arrange whatever access you are happy with, however it must now exist on its own. By that I mean its his time with them therefore he collects them and takes them somewhere and drops them back at the end. If he cannot keep to that then either you or him need to involve a third party to deal with handovers. It sounds from your post like contact is occurring mainly within your house, apologies if I am mistaken.

The arrangement you have now will need amending as they got to school full time possibly condensed into Friday evening to Sunday morning weekly or fortnightly, or a couple of hours mid week and some weekend time. You get my meaning.

hullbird72 Wed 17-Jul-13 20:30:36

I do need to be more direct I think with regards the 'handover' he is trying to muscle back in through the kids I think, I did try and establish more rigorous access but he was not interested. Basically DOha is right I think he is trying to wear me down

hullbird72 Thu 18-Jul-13 20:27:07

I tried the direct approach tonight and he got all arsey saying he is going to fight me in court for custody, I should move out so he can look after the kids, I hit the kids (I admit to the occasional tapped hand) he got aggressive and I reminded him that this is why I cannot have him back. He is making out that I am hurting the kids by not giving it another try and he is accusing me of hitting him, I admit I did occasionally in self defence but I soon learnt there was no point, he is a big bloke. The police have still not been in touch with him. I know it is unlikely but is there any chance he will get custody, he says he will sell the property he has and throw all his. Money at it. I feel like he is trying to blackmail me into taking him back!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hullbird72 Thu 18-Jul-13 20:40:45

I just do not think he realises how bad he has been, he is trying to make out I am also responsible for his behaviour and my behaviour was almost as bad as his, looking back now I see clearly all my actions were reactions or in retaliation but I never started a fight or made the first move or even hardly ever hit back. he said tonight I never punched you? I think he may be mentally imbalanced?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hullbird72 Thu 18-Jul-13 21:24:08

That is so true, clearly he has not realised the error of his ways like he was claiming, just how much he has truly lost.!!!

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Fri 19-Jul-13 15:02:00

Please do accept that he the bad guy here OP.

You said earlier "he is a good father" but not even including what you've written in your updates, how is this manifesting itself? Do you truly believe that being a good father involves bullying the children's mother ? That it involves encouraging the kids to taunt or disrespect their mother? Is it modelling for them that abusive relationships (and this is what you're in sweetheart) are the norm, and that this is what they deserve for themselves when they get older?

You are doing the right thing by your kids and by yourself with what you are doing.

Btw: "I never punched you?" Does he think he was doing you a favour by not doing this? hmm

I think he may be mentally imbalanced?

Nope - he's just re-writing history like all abusers!!!

It's to make you doubt yourself. But you know the truth.
Keep him away for a while.
You need him well out of your head space for a while.

Let him take you to court! What with? Does he earn any money?
If so, does he pay maintenance for the kids? Because the courts won't like that one little bit.

Call his bluff, because he is bluffing.
His control is slipping and he's panicking.
Stick with it and be strong.
You are doing so well.

And... NO, he's not a good dad BTW!

Twinklestein Fri 19-Jul-13 15:22:32

You must chivvy the police if they haven't been in contact with him.
They cannot realistically assess what level of priority you are without talking to him.

They should know that splits are a common catalyst for violent men to kick off.

A violent abusive man with a drink problem is not likely to get custody, so don't worry about that.

And if he starts to be aggressive at all towards you in your or near your own home and you feel threatened - call the police immediately.
Don't hesitate - do it!

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 19-Jul-13 15:38:57

I just do not think he realises how bad he has been, he is trying to make out I am also responsible for his behaviour and my behaviour was almost as bad as his,

That's because he doesn't want to acknowledge any wrong, and wants to deflect responsibility so he doesn't have to shoulder it. Textbook abuser.

Stop letting this get to you: you cannot convince him. You cannot change him. You will never get him to see your point of view. Ever. So please, let go of that desire to set the record straight straight with him. It's wasted time and energy.

Instead, focus that time and energy on what matters: keeping you and your children safe and healthy and happy. Call on all the sources of help you can to achieve this: GP, Police, Women's Aid, solicitor, trusted friends...

Courage. Well done on getting this far - you can be proud of yourself!

misskatamari Fri 19-Jul-13 17:03:46

Hullbird, I am new to this thread and it sounds like an awful situation to be in. You definitely need to get away from this abusive man.

The champix is ringing alarm bells however as it is linked with causing depression, suicide and domestic violence so he really needs to speak to his doctor if he is still taking it. They should be monitoring how he is getting on with it but obviously haven't flagged up these awful side effects in him. I haven't read through all the posts on here but it seems like he doesn't seem to think he has a problem which is very worrying.

Obviously your priority is your safety and the safety of your children. Is there anyone in his family maybe that you could speak to about addressing the possibility of champix causing this behaviour in him?

delilahlilah Fri 19-Jul-13 17:34:17

I was a child that had a Mum in this kind of relationship. She was bullied by Dad, and she stayed 'for the kids'. It was the worst thing she could have done. To this day, I still hold some feelings of resentment towards her for not leaving and letting us suffer. I do not say this lightly, I was in a violent relationship too. I left him so that my son would not suffer as we did.
He is messing with your head. It's like a script they have for Dickheads to use. "I'll go for custody", "Nobody else would want you", "You're upsetting the kids by doing ....." Limit all communication with him to be in writing - text / email and keep it about the children. Don't rise to anything he says. You will have a record of everything then.
You can do this OP, and you and your children will be happier for it. He is miffed because you are no longer funding his socialising at the pub every day.

hullbird72 Fri 19-Jul-13 19:48:06

Thanks for all the brilliant re-assuring messages! he actually thinks I have met someone else now, he is convinced that is the only reason I would not give him another chance. he is trying to make me feel guilty for not giving it another try or because I refuse to go to Relate. I think he is convinced that this will go is in favour in court. To answer hellsbellsmelons he is refusing to get a job, he is living on one of the flats he owns, he also owns 2 houses so this is where the money for the court battle will come from, despite this he has paid no money and takes my car when he takes the kids out and needs packed lunches as he claims he has no money. I am sure he is finding beer money although he claims to have cut down drinking in an attempt to win me back...??????

Hegsy Fri 19-Jul-13 20:05:42

Stop giving him your car and packed lunches for thw kids. Get visiting days/times set and lock doors before before he's due over so he can't just walk in. Have you been to see a solicitor yet?

hullbird72 Fri 19-Jul-13 21:02:11

No I have not seen a solicitor yet, do i need to? I am planning to try and sort out access amicably and only contact a solicitor if he does?..

Hegsy Fri 19-Jul-13 21:20:43

I would go at least for the free half hour just to know where you stand legally. Also contact csa sooner rather then later. My mum didn't when her and my ex father split up and he ended up getting out of over a years maintanence for my brother. Offence is the best form of defence as they say. Have you advised all the necessary that he no longer loves with you and made sure your claiming tax credits etc?

Hegsy Fri 19-Jul-13 21:21:36


OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Fri 19-Jul-13 21:23:37

Hullbird72 - please don't wait until he contacts a solicitor! you need to take control flower, and not be just "reacting" to his actions. You might be planning to do it amicably, but do you seriously think he is? Has he demonstrated any intentions so far to be amicable? Don't wait on him - you do need to see a solicitor, even if just to get advice on your options.

Otherwise who are you going to be getting an idea of what they are - from him? He's already giving you a load of bollocks re access etc, and having you run round lending him your car & packing lunches for his access time - it's up to him to be doing that!

You have come so far already though, it's fantastic - well done you, and keep on it!x

hullbird72 Fri 19-Jul-13 21:38:28

Ok I will contact a solicitor I will get my questions and proposals ready in advance , I shall take the bull by the horns so to speak!

DHtotalnob Fri 19-Jul-13 22:50:51

Hi - just checking in to say hello and I hope things are (relatively) okay and to reassure you in a small way that you are the normal one. xxx

hullbird72 Sat 20-Jul-13 09:42:30

thanks DH he has just been round to take the kids out trying yet again to convince me to give him another chance, he is blaming the booze, saying he has not realised what he had and has been in a rut for 5 years?!? he wants us to have a week away together to sort it out. I personally just think he had realised what he has lost And although I do believe he thinks he can change, I just do not but he is getting to me.

pictish Sat 20-Jul-13 09:52:30

Look he is wearing you down. It is a common tactic of abusive people.
He is not listening to you. He is not respecting your feelings. He is trying to corner you into doing something you do not want to do because it benefits him.

Come on now. This guy knew exactly what he was doing all these years! He knew exactly who he was and what he was like! I have no doubt at all you spelled it out enough times!

What he really means is 'I can't believe you have actually dumped me for it.'

Well you have, and fucking good!

hullbird72 Sat 20-Jul-13 10:03:59

thanks Pictish and all you guys for your frank honest views and support, of course you are right he was a manipulative control freak who did his best to belittle me on every occasion. he had not even told his family as he has not acknowledged it is over, he obviously thinks we have a chance even though I just told him I feel lighter, happier back to my old self without him . he just told me if he moves back in he will sign a contract saying if all fails he will move out and accept it. ?? does he think I am that naive? anyhow I plan to get in touch with solicitor this week and push the police along he needs to realise it is over ....

pictish Sat 20-Jul-13 10:10:09

Yes he does.
He is trying to barter, negotiate, manipulate and bully you into being in a relationship with him, when it is of no benefit to you whatsoever to be so.
Stop listening to him. He is totally driven to override you!

Cut contact down to a minimum. Do not have him walking into the house.

Stop giving him an audience.

hullbird72 Sat 20-Jul-13 10:17:08

his main hold over me has been that the kids deserve 2 parents that are together . this morning the 3 yr old boy was hitting 5 yr old girl, I told him u should not hit girls, he said well daddy hit you. I told him this earlier and he said he is just listening to your parents etc and kids fight anyway. total denial. surely if he was not a selfish bastard he would realise how much this has already hurt the kids and not want to continue..... he is adamant he can change?

theboutiquemummy Sat 20-Jul-13 10:18:14

Change the locks so he has to knock to enter or get them ready so he has to take them out somewhere

Good Luck you know you are doing the right thing

pictish Sat 20-Jul-13 10:21:40

Yeah he's using the kids as a bartering tool because he knows it's your Achilles heel.

pictish Sat 20-Jul-13 10:31:58

They use the kids to hurt you when you're in the relationship, and they use the kids to bully you when you leave.
It's the one thing they know you are vulnerable over.

The kids don't deserve two parents. They deserve to not be subjected to an abusive parent. Two schmoo. His head's up his arse...but you lready know that.

hullbird72 Sat 20-Jul-13 10:35:51

He knows how much I valued the family unit and how much I fought to keep it together. Problem is I now know the kids are better off with one strong loving parent than 2 fighting parents. I know he is going to kick off big style when he realises I am serious, and it is over...

pictish Sat 20-Jul-13 10:53:59

I think you ought to call Women's Aid for advice on keeping you and your kids safe during this period of his dawning realisation, that it is, in fact, over.

hullbird72 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:09:12

I have been in touch with empowerment through the police and best advice is change locks and phone police if he tries anything, that is when it will all go mad when the police finally get in touch....,,

pictish Sat 20-Jul-13 11:20:17

Well...who's doing will that be?
You rll him you don't want any trouble, if he chooses to create it, wg=hat can you do?
Accept it? Give in?

No - you have him removed.

pictish Sat 20-Jul-13 11:20:35


hullbird72 Sat 20-Jul-13 12:44:12

I will have no quarms about having him removed if I need to, do not worry I will be no push over no longer...... Once he is questioned by the police the best he can expect is a caution( this is only likely if he accepts what he has done is wrong) If he does not accept he has done wrong he will be arrested and held pending court appearance. You only get 1 caution if he gets arrested again he is charged. Hence why I am anxious to get police on the case!!!!

hullbird72 Sun 21-Jul-13 17:22:02

he has just dropped kids off, they are all asleep so he spent ages trying to convince me we should try and work it out for each other and the kids, he is very persuasive I told him I do not trust him and can't get over all he had done, he says he will sign a document with a solicitor stating that if it does not work and I want him to move out he will, does this hold any credence?? he is just confusing me, can he really change? do the kids deserve a full time dad? he certainly knows how to push my buttons! I have put him off by telling him I need more time ? another thing I am taking the kids to my parents and asked him to take the dog, she is his dog really he had her when we met, anyway he's aid it would not be convenient at the flats but he would come here to let her out walk her, I am not comfortable with this?

pictish Sun 21-Jul-13 17:28:04

Yes gives him more opportunity to work on you doesn't it?
And no - his solicitor's document holds no credence whatsoever. He just made it up.

May I remind you....

About a month ago he kicked off again hitting me in front of the kids

hullbird72 Sun 21-Jul-13 17:54:14

I know, I know. I told him I cannot get all that nasty, cruel, awful behaviour outi of my head, he says we should both go to RELATE, I said he would just manipulate the councillor, he says he is going to get help for his violence?? He reckons I should give it another go so I do not look back with regret? He is trying to make me feel guilty for taking their father away from the kids even though I think I am doing the right thing he is making me question it!!!

Doha Sun 21-Jul-13 18:00:15

Take him back if you want BUT you will regret it and be back posting here in no time.
He will not change and as previously said the only reason he wants back now is that he is missing the cushy life that you provided for him.
Your DC's deserve better than to see their DM getting abused by their dad. Do you want them to grow up thinking this behaviour is normal?
If you can't do it for yourself and do it for the DC's and their future.

Remember NO is a complete sentence

IAmNotAMindReader Sun 21-Jul-13 18:03:36

Right cease all contact with him right now. Get someone else to do the handovers. You cannot be anywhere near him right now. He will hit you again.
Get another sim give him this number and respond to details to do with the children only.
Go to the police for advice about how to keep him away from you.
Withdraw contact if you need to so it can go to court and be set out there, perhaps at a contact centre.

You are right he would just manipulate the situation with relate. if he was serious he would leave you alone.

Schlock Sun 21-Jul-13 18:07:27

Relate won't even entertain counselling where there is an abusive partner so he can stick that idea where the sun don't shine.

Don't listen to his lies about how things will be different. You know they won't.

hullbird72 Sun 21-Jul-13 18:27:06

I do know he won't change deep down, I think I just need reassurance from sensible worldly wise people to drag me back. I am going to keep contact with him to a minimum now as he is clearly messing with my head and my emotions

IAmNotAMindReader Sun 21-Jul-13 18:33:03

Keep contact to text and email so you have time to consider your response (if any) and see whether the things he says are sense or guilt tripping. Ignore anything that isn't to do with contact arrangements or the children's welfare.

ChasedByBees Sun 21-Jul-13 19:05:27

No no no no no.

No a note from a solicitor won't be of any use when you're trying to get a manipative bully out of your home.

No you shouldn't go to relate and no you won't regret leaving someone who teaches your children that violence is normal and teaches your son to hit women.

No you shouldn't allow his dog to live with you to give him an excuse to come to your house whenever he likes.

Just no!

Get him out of your life and be firm. I'd get into the police and find out when they are going to contact him as he is harassing you.

hullbird72 Mon 22-Jul-13 22:02:58

been better today have to keep reminding myself what an absolute shit he has been, replayed some recordings I made of his constant taunts and bullying. thanks to ya'll for keeping me strong x

hullbird72 Tue 23-Jul-13 20:19:44

Still reckons he can change, is this possible, most people seem to think not. he is full of regret understands why I am in my shell

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hullbird72 Wed 24-Jul-13 10:56:15

I am going to contact solicitors and get back onto the police, I am off to my parents for 2 weeks with the kids so hopefully the space away will give me time to think without his constant pecking, I am 95% sure that I do not want to get back with him.

cestlavielife Wed 24-Jul-13 11:29:48

if he can change let him do it well away. giv him a year of being away from you to prove himself.

otherwise you will be back in his trap
people who manipulate and bully dont abuse 24/7. cycle of abuse . nasty then nice...then nasty.

hullbird72 Wed 24-Jul-13 15:36:38

sound advice I am certainly in no hurry to take him back, if ever!! I feel so much more relaxed and happy on my own,even with 3 little ones to contend with

MushroomSoup Wed 24-Jul-13 15:48:25

What's happening with the dog?

hullbird72 Wed 24-Jul-13 20:01:34

I am going to tell him he has to take the dog at least for the 2 weeks but prob 4eva, he is just using her as an excuse to try and get in the house, if not I'll tell him she'll have to go in kennels he won't like that!!
He Is not working and he has left me with 3 kids under 6 and a dog. I work FT, WhAt a mug I must seem!!!!!

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 24-Jul-13 20:22:23

Joining late. If you are leaving your home, take important documents away with you or with a friend. I would not want him taking away documents you will need later.

Re his idea of a contract. It would not work. "Making it work" is an intangible, an abstraction. You cannot put an abstraction as the basis of a contract. He will move in, revert to old self (i gather he has taken no quantifiable steps to address himself, like seeing a GP, joining and attending AA, going to counselling alone, etc.) and declare that your relationship is fine, just perfect.

hullbird72 Wed 24-Jul-13 20:44:08

He reckons he has sought help from the doc to deal with his anger? I still do not think he really see's in himself what I saw and thinks it was all not that bad, of course I just bruise easily and my hair falls out all the time. I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow, I have been in touch with police who are going to try and deal with him while I am away. good advice FFRdent I will take passports, birth certificates etc away with me. I will try and secure the house, change alarm code etc, see neighbours by the time I return in 2 weeks he may have finally got it in his head that it is over?????

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 24-Jul-13 21:21:24

Enjoy your DCs and your holiday (easily said, I know). A good start about seeking help about his anger would be telling the police the truth. The rest is like his contract idea, intangible.

hullbird72 Thu 25-Jul-13 20:16:08

went to see the solicitor today he was pretty useless just told me that as his name was on birth Certs he has parental responsibility and as such did not think I should go for sole custody?? basically see how it goes and if I need to get an injunction come back to see him!! felt quite deflated afterwards

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