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I've been dumped by my friend and am quite upset about it :(

(201 Posts)
redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 21:57:41

Contrary to what this might sound like, I am not a 15 year old schoolgirl. Believe it or not I am a 38yr old working woman, I have a DH, DC, great family and friends.

So here is my story...

I moved to my current city 7 years ago (for DHs job), and didn't know anyone here. After I had DD1 I made friends with Jane.

When I was pg with DD2, Jane introduced me to Alison. Turns out that DD1 and Alisons DD were only 2 weeks apart in age, and both our DC2 were due within weeks of each other.

Alison and I got on really well, and, amongst other things, we are both in mixed-culture relationships, we are of the same background, and our DHs are of a same background too.

Over the past three years we have chatted on a daily/weekly basis about kids, families, and our personal lives. We always call each other for a moan, text every now and again, although we didn't meet up much - once or twice a month maximum as we are both busy with work, families, etc. This has never been an issue, and we are both pretty independent people who like our space.

Our DC2 were born 6 weeks apart from each other, they are in the same group at nursery and are really good friends. We usually meet one day outside of nursery too and our DC2 love this.

Alison is lovely to know, and knows a lot of people. People really seem to warm to her, and, as she chats to everyone, shy mums in particular really seemed to develop close friendships with her - i.e. they would confide in her, and then get to slightly stalker-ish stage where they want to go over to her house, or always bugging her to go out, which she didn't like, but was happy to chat to them at the school gates.

Eventually it would all get a bit much for her and she would end up cutting them out. I never met these mums, but there was always one or another she would tell me about. We always joke about how she attracts weirdos.

Occasionally she would have arguments with school mums - e.g. they blocked her car in and wouldn't let her leave as she had accidentally taken one of their regular parking spaces when she first passed her test.

The latest one has been that they found out she was a parent volunteer on a week long residential trip with her DS and these school mums accused her of 'arse-licking' the teachers to get to be on the trip.

This week, she suddenly started acting really strange and off with me - I genuinely have no idea why. I invited her and her DC to my DDs birthday party via text (because I would not have seen her that day, it wasn't a nursery day). She sent me a really shirty reply. I text her back, asked if everything was ok, she said no, not really, and I called her.

She said she had been talking to the school mums - one of whom has just had a baby and the subject of baby names came up. Now my DD3 (a baby, aged 8mo) has the same name as her DD1 (Yr 1, aged 6years).

This just happened to be a name my DH liked, I asked Alison if it was ok that we used it and she said no problem, said quite happily and with no hint that it was not ok.

So she was talking to these mums, some of them know me from playgroups etc, and started telling Alison that I wasn't to be trusted, because I 'stole' her DDs name!! They said my DD3s name was of a different style to my other two DDs, and that I reminded them of the stalker mums who used to hero-worship Alison a bit. It was so ridiculous I laughed when she said this.

She said it has messed with her head, and she cant stop thinking about how silly they are, etc. I asked who said this and she doesn't want to tell me and cause further upset. Which is really frustrating for me as I am quite happy to tell them to take a running jump.

I asked if my DDs name was a problem to her (not that I can do anything about this now!) and she kept insisting it isn't. But something they said must have hit a nerve.

This all happened on Friday. She has then removed herself from a FB group conversations that Alison, Jane and I have had going for nearly a year, we are not on it every day, but all three contribute equally and use this for every day chit chat. Again I asked if anything was wrong, and I could come over to talk it through with her but she kept insisting everything is fine.

So I decided to carry on as normal, text her about something funny that happened to me this weekend as I usually would, and got very short replies - e.g. we are chilling this weekend/I am busy tomorrow/etc. So no details or natural chit-chat from her. I can tell she has decided she is going to keep me at a distance and let our friendship fizzle out.

If I am honest she is my closest friend in this city and I feel gutted for having lost a best mate when I really don't know why. There is obviously more to what the school mums have said and I am really pissed off that she has listened to them and taken their word for whatever this issue is. I have genuinely no idea what it could be, I am a pretty honest, upfront and decent person.

I also feel like a stupid schoolgirl for being upset in this way. I am also pissed off that my 3yo DC2 may be losing her friend (Alisons DC2) because of the mums falling out. But mostly quite pissed off that I am being dumped with no explanation.

Please help me to feel better about this.

CaptainSweatPants Sun 19-May-13 22:02:52

She doesn't sound very nice though

Laughing at other mums, calling them wierdos

Having confrontations , freezing people out

You're better off out of it tbh

redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 22:03:29

In some ways I would like to get rid of the friendship now, I feel like she has betrayed me a bit my listening to some unknown schoolground gossip when I thought she knew me quite well.

But I am gutted at the thought of losing a close friend and having to make another, and also feel protective that DD2 may also lose a friendship over this (I'm sure she would be fine, she's hardly a sensitive little thing!)

I do have other lovely, normal friends but for some reason this has made me really sad sad

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes Sun 19-May-13 22:06:30

It seems to me this was always going to happen. Your 'friend' loves the power of making close friendships and then breaking them. She is probably really insecure and uses this to feel in control of her life.

redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 22:06:34

CSP the thing is, that she was never mean with me.

When I had DD3 by c-section and no family help, she was great at popping by with food or getting me to put my feet up whilst she was here, and, as I don't have anyone else here to do that, I was so grateful to her.

That's an overriding memory of our friendship to me.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 19-May-13 22:06:43

Well it's your "turn" isn't it. She makes friends, she dumps them. Sounds like she enjoys the drama. Without hurting your feelings she does not value this friendship in the way that you so.

The name thing is a red herring. I think this was always going to happen.

I think she sounds horrible actually.

I had a slightly similar situation happen a few years ago with a friend I met when we both moved to the town I'm now in. We seemed to have lots in common, kids similar age etc. Without going into the details which would take weeks to write down....she dumped me in a pretty cruel way when someone "better" came along.
At the time I was devastated, wondered what I'd done, felt like you do a silly schoolgirl- I kept saying to friends "this has never happened to me before, I thought I'd left this kind of behaviour behind when I left school".

My advice? Forget her and move on. I spent months wondering why, was upset, analysed everything, and eventually came to my senses and realised it wasn't me, it was her.

that's about 6 years ago now and as time moved on I realised she had some mental health issues which probably contributed to her behaviour, she was a manipulative cow, and as the years have gone on she has burned her bridges with many people. So don't waste your time with it, I wish I hadn't.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 19-May-13 22:08:10

Honestly as hard as it is, I would never initiate contact with her again.

kayfish Sun 19-May-13 22:09:04

She obviously has had agro from these previous stalky friendships and she's predicting it from you, even though you're not going to give it to her.

It is very hard when there is a misunderstanding in friendships like this, I totally get your pain over it.

Best solution? Don't contact her for a couple of weeks (to show that you're not being a stalker) then send a concise email that is very light in tone, but making the point that you had no intention to cause any upset, re-iterating that it was a name your DH liked, that you're sad for your daughter's friendship and that you hope you can patch things up in the future.

You do have my sympathy by the way, it's a horrible thing to happen - even at our age!

Monka Sun 19-May-13 22:09:44

The whole thing sounds a bit 'playground' tbh. Someone bad mouths you to Alison and now she's not your friend anymore. You did all you could reasonably do and I would just leave the ball in her court. If she cuts you out based on what other people have said but not based on your shared friendship then she's not such a great friend after all. I'm fairly loyal and would give my friends the benefit of the doubt. I have friendships that go back to when I was 11 yrs old and have grown up with my friends and still see them.

Try not to worry about your dc. Children tend to still speak and play together at school even if the parents don't necessarily get on.

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes Sun 19-May-13 22:11:18

I really wouldn't do what kayfish suggests. Contacting her would be playing into her hands. No doubt she'll accuse you of being 'stalker ish' confused

MerryMarigold Sun 19-May-13 22:12:44

I think you need to move again! The school mums sound really weird, immature and frankly, a bit ridiculous hmm.

Yes, I think you are probably best off out of this relationship or keeping it really low key.

She sounds a bit narcissistic, attracting people and then thinking they're hero worshipping her and then dumping them. Not nice at all. I didn't like her from your original OP and it sounds like she's taken you in a bit too.

Don't feel too sad. You should be relieved.

Mumsyblouse Sun 19-May-13 22:13:33

I am not a great fan of intense friendships that are more like relationships- I think effectively she's dumped you! Honestly- I can understand you are sad, but all this going quiet/sulking/listening to gossip stuff is just not enhancing your life. Plus you are now falling victim to the same story that this lady told you- that people latch onto her and are a bit stalkerish when they were probably just wanting to be friends with someone who appears very friendly. Not every friendly seeming person has a great heart and sometimes, even if you like someone a lot, you find out later on that they are not quite who they seem. I really wouldn't be trying to make up with someone stroppy though, the one bonus of having friends to me is that they are not stroppy and are nice and not too demanding (unlike my husband and me). Once friendships start heading out of the 'life enhancing' and into the 'head mess' space- just move on, even if you feel a bit sad.

redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 22:14:41

TBH I was wondering if some of these school ground dramas may have been made up, as they seemed so extreme to me.

We have a lot of overlapping friends from baby group days etc and I have never had a conversation or confrontation with anyone in the way she regularly seems to. But I do put that down to her being more chatty than I am.

I can see that cutting contact is the logical next step. It's just weird to do that with someone who knows every argument I've had with my DH and every time I have cried in the last 3 years.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 19-May-13 22:15:35

It sounds really tough sad

I agree with Captain - she doesn't sound a very nice person. Befriending shy women, probably making them think they were genuine friends, then dropping them if they dared to suggest popping over for coffee, or a drink.

Yeah, then laughing about them and calling them weirdos. hmm

For whatever reason, she's turning that treatment on you. You have overstepped the mark, you have been relegated to the weirdo pen. You are now Out.

It's shit and hurtful. I'm really sorry, losing a friend hurts like hell, I know.

But please maintain your dignity and stop chasing her. Breezy confident smiles when you see her.

You could even say, "Oh by the way Alison, I understand that what you heard must have affected you greatly - whatever it was! - and it's fine if you want to take a step back. Always fun to see you around though!" And then whizz off busily.

Allow yourself to feel sad, though. It's natural. And it does fade.

redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 22:16:33

Ok my last sentence sounds a bit stalkerish! But I mean we would discuss our home lives and personal stuff too!

Mintyy Sun 19-May-13 22:17:22

You may well be a 37 year old woman and not a 15 year old girl but this does very much sound like 15 year olds being silly.

redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 22:18:45

Mintyy I agree it does sound like we are 15 year olds, it is all quite bizarre to me.

My youngest ds wouldn't behave like this and he's 12. She's bizarre.

Let her get on with it and have a bit of time clearing your head. Then find other friends. If you can find the time maybe join a group?

I've been 'dumped' by female friends before but tbh there was always an inkling. I think you can outgrow people too.

But this one seems to be very immature. And a bit self obsessed.

MerryMarigold Sun 19-May-13 22:19:08

Yes, maybe the school mum dramas are mostly made up. I don't know any like that!

cocolepew Sun 19-May-13 22:19:11

I wouldn't believe a word she says TBH. If there is a lot of drama around a person you can be certain that they are instigating it.

cocolepew Sun 19-May-13 22:19:54


Mumsyblouse Sun 19-May-13 22:20:57

8red* It took me quite a long time in life to realise that although you may be a very straightforward person who takes people at face value, not everyone is. It's a tough lesson to learn, and I don't think you should change, be friendly, be open, but also perhaps hold back a tiny bit if people are giving off signals- if you don't get into confrontations/park in people's spaces/attract stalker friends (who are these ladies, probably just ordinary mums who wanted to be friendly?) then the chances are, that was because of the way she handled things.

I think she's pretty mean, if she really cared very deeply for the friendship she would be working on getting over any upset over a name she's not, and her behaviour is unpleasant.

I think you have to say live and learn on this one, and you will find some more good friends- I also don't think you will be the only one who has had a hard time with her and so don't feel bad at the nursery/school gates, keep busy with making new friends/keeping up with the mums you do get on with and keep out of her orbit.

magicstars Sun 19-May-13 22:23:12

Is your / her dd's name very popular? Tbh I'd avoid using the name of someone I was close to dc's, for my own dc. I can understand why she's a bit put out about that, perhaps less so if it's a top 10 name in which case you'd expect others to be using it. Why she has chosen to get upset about it now, but not at the time, is odd.
She does sound a bit mean, bitching about other mums (perhaps who also considered her as a good friend) & as though she considers hetself to be a bit better than most. It sounds to me like she has a history of dropping friends & you are probably best off without her. It is upsetting though when this happens & more so when the reasoning isn't clear.
I'd act cool if I were you, meet other friends & maintain a civil relationship with her, though I wouldn't 'chase' her as you will probably fuel her ego.

kerala Sun 19-May-13 22:24:19

Poor you. I had this happen to me in my early twenties met a friend at law school shared a flat, both single, were so close had lots of fun. I did think it odd that she had no old friends then I found out why I was brutally dumped for no reason that I could see nothing had changed. Some women are vipers sadly they are often warm and funny so you don't realise until its too late. Move on and don't compromise your dignity.

VBisme Sun 19-May-13 22:25:22

I don't believe in the talk of the school gate mums, I think she's making it up, she sounds like a drama queen - ignore her, pity her, but don't waste any more time on her.

Scruffey Sun 19-May-13 22:27:28

I'm not surprised you're upset about it. That's perfectly understandable.

However, it would seem like the friendship is done. I would not chase after someone who treated me like this - I just wouldn't contact them again. Don't give her the ammo to badge you as a stalker mum. There are stalker mums about, but ime there cannot possibly be as many as Alison has encountered all in one place! She is the problem, not them - you can tell by the numbers!

Mourn the friendship in private.

Don't worry about your dd, the girls will still chat at nursery etc. I would particularly advise against suggesting to Alison that you should do things for the sake of the girls. It would just look like an excuse to stalk her. Even though you haven't been stalking her!

redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 22:28:35

I spent all of Friday really upset about this, and really want to move on from this.

Tbh its a relief to read your replies and quite interesting to see this from an outside point of view.

I have never thought of her as a nasty person - quite the opposite in fact. But this is all making me see things in a totally different light.

I think you are right about liking/creating the drama, she does fall out with a lot of people.

I hate the thought of her slagging me off to school mums for something I can't defend, but I will just have to not think about that.

SavoyCabbage Sun 19-May-13 22:29:38

I've got a friend a bit like this. She creates drama out of very little and also talks to and makes friends with everyone she meets. Everywhere we go she gets someone's life story. Due to this, people can sometimes think that they have a closer relationship with her than they do.

I would just carry on as normal. Don't apologise for anything.

MerryMarigold Sun 19-May-13 22:30:38

Mmmm...I can sympathise with not wanting to be slagged off, but people may be wise to her by now too - or if they're not, they will be.

You should go and find some of the 'stalker mums' and make friends with them. I bet they're really lovely maybe I am one of them!.

redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 22:32:47

I'm definitely not going to chase the friendship, I felt like I lost my dignity a little when I carried on texting her as normal over the weekend.

nametakenagain Sun 19-May-13 22:35:40

No, OP, you don't sound stalkerish, you just sound sad about the friendship. Alison does sound like she's enjoying the attention, but she might see sense. In the meantime, I agree with rest, don't contact her at all, and be a bit reserved when she contacts you.

BonaDrag Sun 19-May-13 22:35:44

You say she's nice. Well she doesn't sound it. If you have a friend who slags off other people a lot, then you can almost guarantee you get slagged off too when not in earshot.

Honestly, she sounds like a fantasist and quite fucked up. It hurts, I know (I've also been dropped by a so called friend a few years ago because I wouldn't go clubbing on her birthday..) but you are better off out of her poisonous atmosphere.

KenDoddsDadsDog Sun 19-May-13 22:36:52

I don't believe the school mum gossip thing either . I think she is making it up. Hope you are ok OP.

tigerdriverII Sun 19-May-13 22:37:46

You are better out of it, however horrible it seems now. I had something like this with a work "friend", who for years was a close friend, all was fine. But she had lots if dramas with colleagues and at the beginning of the work relationship, did really shaft me, tho I didn't know it until later. She was very career focused and decided not to have children. When I had DS, at 40, she dropped me like a stone. In fact the only thing she said to me after he was born was (and I quote): "does it sleep".

I am much happier without this poisonous person in my life.

williaminajetfighter Sun 19-May-13 22:39:44

I've had similar things like this happen and it can be gutting, sometimes worse than ending a relationship with a man.

An honest friend would confront you with their concerns whatever they were especially if she values your friendship... and its a shame that she didn't. It is quite cowardly of her to act like this.

You've tried to get to the bottom of this and I doubt you'll ever get a straight answer. Put this out of your mind and try to focus on developing new friendships.

whethergirl Sun 19-May-13 22:53:45

Tbh I'd avoid using the name of someone I was close to dc's, for my own dc. I can understand why she's a bit put out about that wow, really magicstars? No-one can exclusively own a name! I find that quite ridiculous. My ds has an unusual name and I'd be flattered if someone chose it for their own dc.

Anyway, OP, you sound like a very level headed, emotionally balanced person, but I don't like the sound of Alison AT ALL. I would not trust her version of events either, I think she has either made up this gossip or given you a totally warped version. You think you know someone...but sometimes it can time to see a person's true colours.

What kind of a person throws away a good friendship over nothing? She's not right. You're bound to feel upset, but I think she's better out of your life, making room for someone more genuine and deserving of your friendship.

Don't waste your time trying to understand this situation, there's nothing to understand. It doesn't make sense because it doesn't make sense! Accept that and move on.

redandyellowbits if the school mums have any sense they'll know what she's like. If not then who gives a shit what they think?

Pancakeflipper Sun 19-May-13 23:00:45

I don't think any other mothers have been saying stuff about you. This is her cooling off cos she plays with friendships and likes drama in her life.

Don't let her upset you. She will run out of people to play this game with and you will make genuine friends.

Mumsyblouse Sun 19-May-13 23:05:04

I think it's extremely unlikely they said you reminded them of the stalker-ladies, because that would mean Alison had told lots of people she had stalker friends and I very much doubt she would say something like that to a whole group who would see through it in five secs You only have her word that they phrased it like that, and she's the one that sees stalkers where none may exist!

OP, get a good night's sleep, I think you can move on from this one now, perhaps moan to your husband about it, not any of the other mums. If anyone asks you what happened (like Jane)- just say the truth 'I don't really know, we're just not close any more' and leave it at that.

She must have finally run out of people to have dramas with, so needed to "sacrifice" you to get her "fix". She does not sound very nice. It was bound to happen. Let her drift. If she changes her mind, just tell her you dont need fickle fair weather friends who listen to gossip and blow hot and cold, and move on.

Looksgoodingravy Sun 19-May-13 23:10:04

This must be so hard. Like a double blow because it not only involves what you thought of as a close friendship but also your dc lives are also intertwined and your fear of what this will do to your dd upsets you also.

With regards to your dd, they are still at nursery together so this won't alter. I'm sure your dd won't notice any difference.

As for Alison, as hard as it feels now sure it's for the best that you hold your head up and be friendly by as distant as she has now become. She's explained what the 'problem' is and has dropped you just like that! That's not the behaviour of a nice person (as she's meant to be) that's pretty awful behaviour and I take it Alison is of similar age to yourself?

You live and learn I suppose. I can sympathise with how painful this must feel but you're better off without someone who can act this way.

Does your dh have an opinion on this?

Rowlers Sun 19-May-13 23:12:16

I think the stalker ladies are all in Alison's mind.
Face it, even if she lets you back in to her perfect world, you've now seen her true colours and the friendship you thought you had is gone forever.

piratecat Sun 19-May-13 23:33:25

she sounds like she has commitment issues. she likes things her way and only survives things on her terms. she has cemented your friendship by almost making you feel like this normal person who isn't like the hangers on she tells you of. but there aren't any stalkers op they were prob people who wanted to make friends with this seemingly outgoing person. who actually is not what she portrays.
i had a friend like this. when i was out of the friendship i realised actually that i had put her on a bit of a pedestal without realising it. that i had felt more of a popular person by association but i was not really that important to her. because she started treating me like your friend is treating you.
i gave up pretty sharpish on her when she hurt my feelings.

not worth it.

cerealqueen Sun 19-May-13 23:43:32

Eventually it would all get a bit much for her and she would end up cutting them out. I never met these mums, but there was always one or another she would tell me about. We always joke about how she attracts weirdos.

Basically, she is charismatic, reels people in, (particularly vulnerable people it seems) then when she has finished playing them, dumps them.

Step back, get busy with other friends and leave her and her mind games at the school gates.

sleepyhead Sun 19-May-13 23:49:58

I don't believe there were any "stalker mums". She sounds like a drama queen who likes novelty and variety in friendships and then cuts people out when she gets bored.

Tbh, she sounds like the odd one. You're better off out of there.

bbqsummer Sun 19-May-13 23:58:05

I've had a couple of similar incidents with 'friends' whom I thought were just that; in fact one with a school mum last week, which upset me no end. Her ds is also good mates with my ds. So I feel for my ds as he will not be going to hers for 'tea' anymore and her ds will not be coming to mine.

I explained to ds that we don't need or want nasty people in our lives and if someone is mean to him or me, the best thing is to cut them out and walk away.

Having given myself a stern talking to, I've simply decided not to bother with any of the school mums anymore. Just polite hellos and passing comments about the weather.

I'm blessed to have a small clutch of wonderful lifetime friends scattered around the country who will never crap all over me nor me them.

There are a lot of very shitty people in this world OP. Fact. They gossip, they slander casually and they enjoy inflicting hurt and damage usually because their own lives and minds are stunted. I wish them all well but they won't be drinking my tea or eating at my bbqs anymore. Be strong op. Don't let the bastards grind you down.

SgtTJCalhoun Mon 20-May-13 10:17:37

I agree about school mums. I tried making friends with the ones at dd's school but I HE one of my dc and am a lone parent and this seems to be a real problem for some. A close friend of mine told me I was being gossiped about amongst these Mums and it made me really irritated. I never confided in depth to anyone about anything so what they didn't know they made up! There was me thinking we had these low level, positive interactions going on when it clearly meant a LOT more to them in an info seeking kind of way.

So now I don't bother with any of them. A smile and a nod is all they'll get from me.

magicstars Mon 20-May-13 11:31:31

Whether perhaps it's just personal preference but I wouldn't use a name that someone close to me had already used.... I certainly wouldn't consider losing a friend if they used dd's name though.
OP you aren't alone being fazed out by tthis woman. I liked the advice to get to lnow some of the others she labelled as 'stalkers' (!) you'll prob find they had similar experiences to your own.

magicstars Mon 20-May-13 11:32:37


KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Mon 20-May-13 11:56:19

This is her style.
You shouldn't really be surprised she has started picking holes in you too! Does she have any long-term friends? (I would be very surprised if she did).
Some people just don't have what it takes to maintain long or lifetime friendships. It's almost as if there is (sadly) always a 'shelf-life' before they start finding holes in things.
You say about her knowing personal details about your life. Presumably this is mutual?

fromparistoberlin Mon 20-May-13 12:50:07

"Alison is lovely

I dont think she is, sorry! she has a queen bee syndrome, and is clearly keen to shit stir
she also dumps people cruelly

OP I know its upsetting, but

really, she sounds mean, smile, and dump her back with a big fat smike on your face

what goes around comes around


redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 13:03:21

I am amazed that so many people agree with her being a nasty character, I honestly had not thought of her this way at all, but your posts have really made me think and I am beginning to see her in a totally different light.

she has cemented your friendship by almost making you feel like this normal person who isn't like the hangers on she tells you of this is very true, she constantly said that people don't know how close me and her are, and it's because I am so chilled out, I am not always stalking her like the others etc.

I have also realised that we have not been out for dinner/drinks/normal friendship things I do with other people in nearly 3 years.

Every time we arrange something (always with other mums, not just us), she has always cancelled because something has come up. Usually because her kids are extremely poorly and have been vomiting all night, as they pick up bugs quite often.

Yet she did arrange and go on frequent nights out with school mums. So I am guessing she would then be telling them I am a stalker mum who keeps inviting her out and she doesn't want to go!

fromparistoberlin Mon 20-May-13 13:06:59

she sounds like a CUNT

I really hope you dump her right back, and find in time some better mates

and I hope people start to see her for the cunt she is too!


A friend of mine named her DD the same as my DD.

She asked me if it was ok and I pointed out that my family didn't own the name. That's what your friend should have said to this imaginary mum at the school gate. What a flimsy reason to end a friendship. From your description she's a drama llama who goes hot and cold on people. It might have even elevated your friendship in your mind because of this: I.e our relationship is special because she wouldn't bitch about me / cold shoulder me.

I had a friend who did this to me too. Like you we have a strong mutual friend so it can be awkward at times. But don't bitch about her, stay dignified. But she's not a trusted friend. Move on quickly. Don't contact her again.

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 13:16:04

Whether perhaps it's just personal preference but I wouldn't use a name that someone close to me had already used.... I certainly wouldn't consider losing a friend if they used dd's name though

I find the name drama a little childish and possibly unbelievable. I did ask her it it was okay to use her DDs name, but this was out of courtesy. I probably would have done so anyway and really don't see names as belonging to people. I even know two sisters who have named their sons with the same name!

My brother and my childhood friend both have daughters with the same name. My friend used it first, my brother loved the name and used it. My friend considered it a compliment, but it was certainly never an issue and it's never been thought about as a big deal at all.

I am now fairly certain it must be a made up drama for Alison, and an excuse to end the friendship because she does not have any other current dramas going on.

when I was out of the friendship I realised actually that I had put her on a bit of a pedestal without realising it. That i had felt more of a popular person by association but i was not really that important to her. This, sadly, may also be true for me. I was more sensible and chilled out than the stalker mums, why couldn't the weirdo mums be a bit more normal like me, - this was a common observation of hers.

I honestly do not behave like this in my real life. I am an idiot for falling for this silliness and am not going to get in touch at all. In fact I've spent all morning at a playgroup with other lovely mum friends. I just need to shake off this niggling sadness and sense of loss/loneliness and I will be fine.

Part of the sadness is because I struggle to feel like I belong in this city. I have no family or close friends in this city and she was beginning to feel like both with me. Which I now realise was a bit ridiculous.

I am going to try to spend this extra time I know have doing more productive things with my time. I usually spend Tuesdays at her house so our DCs play whilst we natter, tomorrow I am going to find a new playgroup or new outing and will ask some others along.

DH is abroad for work this week (leaving tomorrow) so it'll be time for me to have a think about things in the evenings whilst he is away.

scarletforya Mon 20-May-13 13:19:54

Sorry you're feeling so shitty OP. But you are really better off without her.

The minute I read the following, I knew what the rest of the post would be about;
^they would confide in her, and then get to slightly stalker-ish stage where they want to go over to her house, or always bugging her to go out, which she didn't like, but was happy to chat to them at the school gates.

Eventually it would all get a bit much for her and she would end up cutting them out. I never met these mums, but there was always one or another she would tell me about. We always joke about how she attracts weirdos.^

That's her spin. Do you know what I mean? That's the way she's framed it. She's the type of person who has to feel 'in demand' and that people are just desperate for her company.

People like this are a type. Predictable. Always listen to how someone speaks about others because that's how they will be speaking about you. She churns people. Honeymoon, you're so special. You're so different. Keep you at a distance. You're suffocating me. Insert excuse (aforementiontioned spin) Cut them off. Replace with new victim. Rinse. Repeat.

You'll know the type when you meet them in future.

She is busy getting everyone to believe her version of reality at the moment. IE, that you are a stalker who stole her childs name. Some probably will believe this I'm afraid. Just the same way as you believed all those stories of all these intense stalkers that she had to fend off at the school gates.

All you can do is move on. People will find out what she is like themselves.

Great post by Scarlet

Cheer up OP, you're honestly better off without her and you're less alone than you were with her as a "friend" .

kerala Mon 20-May-13 13:57:41

Scarlet described my one of these to a t. The difficult thing is if you are a straightforward decent person who has always pretty much had straightforward decent friends and family you are utterly knocked for six and bewildered by this treatment and you don't know how to deal with it.

Since my experience with one of these I am much more wary of lively fun glamorous types who have no old friends. So learn from it every cloud and all that.

There's always mumsnet meet ups grin

Glad to hear you've seen sense, us vipers have our uses.

Lavenderhoney Mon 20-May-13 14:16:42

I knew what this was going to be about as soon as I read your post!

This happened to me! New area, the most popular mum made a massive effort to be my friend and I was so grateful. She did make a thing of inviting me for coffee in front of others or as a secret. Then one day, totally out of the blue she was so rude to me and stormed off. I wasn't even talking to her, we were in a mums group.

I text to ask the problem, none of course, then forever after she was off, rude and if confronted, said " no there's no problem"

Other mums just said she's like that. And to ignore her. I did. I think she just used people til she got bored and moved on. I saw her attach to another new mum and the same thing happen.

Ignore her, make new friends and carry on. It's horrible to feel you trusted someone and shared.

Its nothing to do with anyone what you call your dc. It's just a moment in time, you could move areas or anything. I don't understand asking anyone's permission to use a name. It's just an excuse for her I expect.

Spice17 Mon 20-May-13 15:40:37

Just wanted to add that a similar(ish) thing happened to me. I do have a comment to the OP at the bottom, have just realised I've written an essay!

I had a very close friend who I was incredibly close to. She had a nightmare BF who also happened to be DHs mate and that's how we met.

When I say nightmare, they had a very destructive relationship that wasn't good for either of them but he ate at her self esteem too.

Anyway, after a million conversations I had with her about maybe splitting up being for the best etc, one day she saw the light and did it - and then completely disappeared from my life sad This was after always saying to me (almost pleading with me) that we'd still be friends if her and BF split.

The sad thing was I was in the early stages of pregnancy when this happened and she hasn't spoken to me since then.

I went through many stages, angry being the first, I felt like she had almost 'duped' me into friendship, then indifferent, thinking of how many other great friends I have but now I just feel a sadness.

It really gets me sometimes, more that I care to admit to anyone, especially as she loved kids and she would have enjoyed spending time with DD.

I know cutting my losses is the thing to do (she did invite a LOT of drama into my life) but I do miss her lots and don't quite understand why she cut me out. Find myself wondering if I was a rubbish friend.

Sorry OP, my point is (finally!) that if you think it's worth repairing, do it/have it out now, I certainly wish I'd done things differently.

Spice17 Mon 20-May-13 15:47:43

Sorry, one of my main points was going to be that I also met this friend in a new city and she was the ONLY friend I met here that I had a real connection with, so doubly rubbish (for both of us)

Mumsyblouse Mon 20-May-13 15:50:39

The difficult thing is if you are a straightforward decent person who has always pretty much had straightforward decent friends and family you are utterly knocked for six and bewildered by this treatment and you don't know how to deal with it.

This is sooo true. I had this happen to me recently, and I consider myself someone who would be quite perceptive and certainly old enough not to be fed a line, but I just didn't see this person for who they really were. I felt like a complete idiot at my age to be taken in, but quite glad that it was over nothing serious. I think if you are a friendly nice person, and someone acts friendly and nice to you, then you just assume they are that person. But I do agree with everyone who has said- listen to what this person says about their other friends, and if they don't have many/complain/laugh at them (to bond you together) this is a bit of a warning sign that it will repeat with you.

Back2Two Mon 20-May-13 16:01:33

I've been moved to post, although I do believe you have been given some excellent advice and you seem to be listening which is great in this situation.

Just remember, all those girls and boys in our playgrounds years ago just got older and not all of them grew up. She is still stuck in her playground.

And also, that I have encountered a couple of toxic people since I began making friends as a mum. I think we get often get thrown in with people because out children play together and we are quite keen for company and friendship yet the "roots" of the friendship can be quite shallow because of this IYSWIM.

Most importantly, in my experience I felt a million times better once out of the "toxic" mummy friendship I had and when I had perspective I was able to see clearly how I'd been used/manipulated. But she still winds me up from time to time (very rarely now!) and I get angry enough to want to have to have imaginary conversations with her in my head offloading my "side of the story". I just had to be strong for a few months never to bother offloading it to her in real life as it would have fed her fire.

Interestingly, when I knew her she had no long term "old" friends as in her words they were always "bitches". She only had very new friends and each of those frazzled out in a short time.

Good luck x

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 16:06:06

The difficult thing is if you are a straightforward decent person who has always pretty much had straightforward decent friends and family you are utterly knocked for six and bewildered by this treatment and you don't know how to deal with it.
This is me.

I felt like a complete idiot at my age to be taken in
And so is this.

But I have been thinking lots, I definitely don't want to rekindle the friendship.

Just going to playgroup and then school run today I bumped into two mums I have always got on with and thought were lovely.

Alison told me one of them was a stalker-mum and was jealous of my friendship with Alison, and the other one Alison said she had a really weird conversation with, and that she was strange.

The more I think about it, the more bitchy and shallow she seems now. It's amazing that this seems to be a real 'type' of person that lots of you have experienced and not a one off strange person, it's like a badly written episode of Eastenders!

There is a weird sense of freedom in thinking I won't speak to her again, I won't stress out about what I might have done wrong, and whether she will come to my DDs bday party. Cos I don't intend to renew the invite when/if she talks to me again.

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 16:10:28

Back2two - she has had 3-4 big falling outs with her 'friends' in the 4 years I have known her. Each time because they are accusing her of not having time for them - ie their stalker-ish behaviour, and each time its resulted in her never speaking to them again.

So that's one a year on average. I guess 2013 was my year!

SixPackWellies Mon 20-May-13 16:13:06

The statement someone made earlier about it being 'your turn' now of who she falls out with really rang true for me. i had a 'friend', who always made friends with the new people in town. Seemed lovely supportive, funny, interesting, was always falling out with people. Then she fell out with me over something totally trivial (I could not go out to her place on Sunday, so suggested saturay instead) and it was the total freeze, and telling people i had 'betrayed' her. I was devastated. When i brought this up with someone they just laughed and said 'Oh, you've had your two years then?'. Total pattern. best of friends with someone for 2 years, then freezes them out.

Think of it like this. There is a common denominator in her dramas and falling out with people. It is her.

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 16:14:16

And also, that I have encountered a couple of toxic people since I began making friends as a mum. I think we get often get thrown in with people because out children play together and we are quite keen for company and friendship yet the "roots" of the friendship can be quite shallow because of this IYSWIM

This is so true.

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 16:18:45

This thread is great! I added in all of the relevant details to my original post so that you could point out where I had gone wrong or where the misunderstanding lay.

I didn't for a minute imagine she was a cow and I was quite upset and wanting things to go back to as they were.

And now I am really beginning to see things totally differently and genuinely feel better off without her.

MrsSchadenfreude Mon 20-May-13 16:24:06

I had a friend like this. We were both expats and very close - when she was taken to hospital, I was the first person her husband called, she looked after my kids, I looked after hers, we socialised a lot. We moved countries and continued to "talk" a lot on FB - almost every day. Then one day I noticed that she hadn't just unfriended me, she had blocked me too (but had bizarrely kept DH as a friend). I emailed her to ask her why - just said something along the lines of "I was going to tag you in a photo, but noticed you had unfriended me - why?" She emailed back and said "We can still be friends in real life!!!" But virtually the only interaction we had was on FB. I emailed back and said "Actually, I think it's quite a hurtful thing to do." I didn't hear back (didn't expect to) and deleted her contact details and have had no further contact.

A couple of mutual friends said that "she likes to be the Queen Bee" and "she didn't like it that you were funnier than her on FB." hmm And one of them has just received the same treatment - unfriended and blocked. She asked why and was simply told "life moves on."

Looking back, the patterns were the same as with your friend - she had "dumped" another friend just before we became friends...and so the cycle continues, I'm sure.

pebblepots Mon 20-May-13 16:24:10

it sounds like she was trying to stop you making friends with other people. I had this many years ago with a girl I knew at school. She was a nasty emotional bully.

MrsSchadenfreude Mon 20-May-13 16:25:07

And yes, you will be better off without her!

Notsoblonde Mon 20-May-13 16:25:51

Dont feel bad about losing her, the name thing is an excuse and she seems to be the one with the problem, not you, I have had intense friendships and tbh one of them ended stressing me out, same sort of scenario, when the friend talked about everyone else but I didnt think I was being talked about, but I will bet I was, I have a few close friends now, one from school and they are my best friends, the ones you can pick up with anytime and its not an issue smile

unapologetic Mon 20-May-13 16:29:08

There's always one like this at the school gates, isn't there? Well probably more than that, maybe one mum from each class IME! They hold a lot of the power and are very manipulative. Fortunately, most parents don't want to engage with this nonsense. In a way, you have had a lucky escape. There is such a pattern to all this that it was always going to happen with you too.

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 16:34:35

MrsSchadenfreude I was also thinking I should unfriend her on FB.

She hasn't updated her page for ages because one of her stalker mums told her she was examining her photos to try to practice doing her eye makeup just like Alison's?!

After she stopped updating her page she said lots of mums have been asking her if everything is okay because she hasn't been in FB, and they are all asking her if she has split up with her DH because she has gone quiet on FB. hmm

Hmmm. I am beginning to see the narcissistic side of her personality, why on earth didn't I notice this before!

SixPackWellies Mon 20-May-13 16:37:45

I am willing to bet serious money too, that when it becomes known that you have fallen out, you will start getting approached by others and told their stories.

i have never had so many dinner invitations since my Alison fell out with me.... and have had heard decades of stories about her behaviour, as before people felt they could not invite me to things because i was cosy with her

You will look back on this as a blessed release, I promise you.

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 16:40:40

Maybe we should put together a little warning sheet about mums like these and hand it out at the school gates to anyone who looks vaguely honest and decent grin

SixPackWellies Mon 20-May-13 16:44:41

OP, I think you have been Wendied.

(It was the Wendy thread right, that was very much like this? Some people with personality disorders behave in very similar ways.). Just feel sorry for the people who have to be in her life.

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 16:58:38

Not heard of the Wendy thread? Sounds interesting...

SixPackWellies Mon 20-May-13 17:00:14

was it in chat? someone with better skills than me might be able to link to it.

Suffice it to say, it was a bit depressing how many women seem to behave like 12 year old girls.

kerala Mon 20-May-13 17:32:30

Its not just mums though Wendys operate in offices too. A work colleague, really nice straightforward professional woman, had left her last job because of a Wendy. They were all senior lawyers as well so sadly Wendys can pop up anywhere. Just think having young children is fertile ground for them as people are often feeling a little uncertain and striking up new friendships so they have a better hunting ground.

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 20:28:50

So what is Wendy then? I had a search, but the thread has now gone as it was in Chat and over 60 days old.

I would be interested to understand what on earth makes a person behave in this way.

Loulybelle Mon 20-May-13 20:38:16

She is the common denominator in these falling outs.

I would imagine, she loves the attention and when she gets bored, she comes up with some shit excuse to drop you.

Shes probably a Narc.

elsabel Mon 20-May-13 20:50:17

Oh dear. I havent read all the replies so this has probably been said many times, but she sounds very strange and i wouldnt believe a word she says. Delusional for a start, hence saying friends tend to stalk her and she has to cut them out. It sounds like all lies to me and i think youre better off without her.

I agree with other posters, some kind of personality disorder going on there i reckon.

Littleturkish Mon 20-May-13 21:08:45

Oh my god- I have also been Wendied!!

It is horrible, I still have to work with mine and it made me so stressed and worried it made me ill.

Friends need to make your life better, not stress you out.

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 21:29:31

Despite everything I am saying, I have realised I'm still quite upset over this. I am sending out invites to DDs birthday party and getting quite upset at people not being able to make it or being non-committal about it. I'm not saying anything, they absolutely fair responses.

I wouldn't normally think twice but am ready to cry over it. It's a feeling of vulnerability and having no friends I guess. Which is not true. Ugh. Silly woman has really shaken my confidence.

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 21:30:08

I'm sorry for anyone who has been Wendied sad

Wendy is a cow!

Don't let it upset you. Seriously, wake up tomorrow and feel relieved. It's been said by a PP but this has left you wiser. You'll be able to spot one and have much more authentic friendships. It is better to have no friends than false ones.

And who knows, now you're not hanging out with Wendy / Alison other much nicer people may appear from the woodwork.

Don't feel sad, feel relieved and a little bit angry.

elsabel Mon 20-May-13 21:52:46

Youve had a lucky escape..dont let this knock your confidence shes the kind of friend you can do without. I know its hurtful but sounds like she has some serious issues, almost feels sorry for her almost

MerryMarigold Mon 20-May-13 21:57:36

I do feel sorry for her kids sad

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 22:05:14

MerryMarigold don't get me started about her kids that's a whole new issue.

Her 6yo DD watches Sex in the City with mummy and has her hair styled, straightened/crimped and hair sprayed for school each day.

Her 3yo DS (my DDs nursery friend) is severely overweight, can't walk 'long' distances (1-2 miles) and lives off crisps and chocolates despite HV advice.

Mumsyblouse Mon 20-May-13 22:09:41

red this slight paranoia that people are avoiding you will pass, it won't be true, her reach isn't that great. I do feel sorry for you, it's hard when you haven't really encountered one before, I still work with mine and when I think back to how she really suckered me in with her 'you are so helpful, no-one else is as nice as you' stuff I feel embarrassed. But- you do live and learn, and I still believe most people I meet who are nice and friendly are nice and friendly, I feel sorry for the Wendies because they are very inauthentic and do have to move from person to person because the nice people, once bitten, suss them out and then don't want to be friends with them.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Mon 20-May-13 22:11:06

OP, don't feel bad for still feeling upset about this. Even if you're realising that in various ways this is a lucky escape, it's still early days and you will be grieving for the loss of a friendship. I speak from experience.

Cerubina Mon 20-May-13 22:12:15

It sounds to me as though you'll have no problem at all picking up new friends - you've chatted to a few other ladies this week and had a warm reception from them all, you like problem. Alison probably had you thinking you weren't capable of making other friendships (or at least you weren't as magnetic as her) but the reality is that without her malign presence you're doing just fine! Take heart and don't allow her teenage behaviour to damage your confidence.

And depending on whether you're a more scrupulous person than me or not, you could always start a few little stories about this stalker friend you used to have called Alison...

Oblomov Mon 20-May-13 22:12:44

I had a very similar thing happen and it hurt very badly. But you have had very good advice. Have faith.

MerryMarigold Mon 20-May-13 22:13:40

Sex in the City shock!

SixPackWellies Mon 20-May-13 22:14:35

Mine said to me (well, wrote it in an e-mail) 'I have never loved anyone as much as I loved you... and you have betrayed me' for, as I said earlier, not being available one specific day (for a non-special occasion lunch). She followed it up with 'everyone betrays me in the end, I thought you were different'.

Trust me, you will start hearing the stories. The common thing is I think, if you are open, friendly and honest then people like these glom on and manipulate you because they think they can get away with it.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Mon 20-May-13 22:15:39

shock at 6yo watching SATC

Dorange Mon 20-May-13 22:22:38

is her star sign Leo by any chance?

Loulybelle Mon 20-May-13 22:25:44

Oi, nothing wrong with Leo's, me, DD, DN and my friend are all Leo's.

Me too! And my fantastic DN, brilliant grandmother and grandfather. I've never behaved like that!

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Mon 20-May-13 22:30:47

You can start the ex Wendy club

Eeeek I wouldn't let my teenage boys watch SATC. Not that they would of course.

Dorange Mon 20-May-13 22:37:20

Don't want to offend Leos
But is just a thought, as I know someone very similar

cansu Mon 20-May-13 22:39:58

She sounds very childish. Being upset about a name eight months on is stupid. Getting involved in arguments with other mums and all this talk about freezing out people who seemed to want to be friends with her is all very very pathetic and just unpleasant. I wouldn't be feeding into all this drama by texting or phoning to ask if she is ok or trying to sort it out. I would leave it. If she values your friendship she will get a grip and apologise for acting like this or she won't and you are well rid. Personally I have got enough shit in my life to deal with without playground style dramas with supposed friends! Surely when older you get to leave this stuff behind?

SherbertStraws Mon 20-May-13 23:02:07

I share your pain op, I got wendied last week and I just feel anger right now.

dontyouwantmebaby Mon 20-May-13 23:17:29

scarletforya couldn't have worded it any more accurately. absolutely bang on word for word!

I think everyone has encountered someone like your friend here OP, be very wary of someone who slags others off as it will always be you next in line sooner or later. It can happen at any age quite sadly!

You're better off without this person in your life.

redandyellowbits Wed 22-May-13 10:07:54

Well our friendship is definitely over, she usually texts me to sort out Tuesdays, our regular meeting day at her house, and she didn't do this this week.

I must admit I was a bit sad and lonely staying at home with DD yesterday when she wanted to go play with Alison's DS, but it was a nice one-on-one day with her baking a cake instead.

I can just imagine the bitching she is spreading about me sad

But to counteract this, I have:
- Invited a new mum friend over after school (I hate after-school play dates but it's the only time she can do)
- Arranged to go out with some friends on Friday morning with our preschoolers, and then to mine for lunch
- Invited some 'new' DCs to DDs birthday party

Weirdly I am bumping into mums this week, who I used to think were odd based on Alison's reports of conversations they had had. But I am seeing them as normal balanced women instead. They may have had the odd strange conversation, I don't really care if they have, but I am not labelling them in the way Alison did, and am happy to develop some more casual friendships instead of one intense one.

Onwards and upwards smile

redandyellowbits Wed 22-May-13 10:10:03

Sherbertstraws share your anger with me - I am trying to let mine go but need to vent somewhere!

kerala Wed 22-May-13 12:42:50

One of my regrets with mine was not having it out with her. I was a drip and just took it - she eventually met a man and got married very quickly (didnt invite me to the hen night despite us having been inseparable "best friends" for the previous two years and my being the only friend she invited to the religious part of the wedding) and moved town. She even said to a mutual friend "I have treated Kerala appallingly".

Different situation to you as you have to live in the same community we were both early twenties. Bizarrely I bumped into her in a luxury hotel in the middle of India a few years later. It was such a coincidence. I was with now DH and hilariously she was with a different man, not the one she had married, so I guess she had the same modus operandi with men as she did with friends. She is deeply competitive and was obviously furious that I was working for a much better law firm than her.

Anyway she came over to say hello and I was barely civil DH was shock as he had never seen me treat anyone like that before. It was amusing watching her and her new man scuttle around trying to avoid us for the rest of the holiday I took great pleasure in sitting by the pool so they had to skulk in their room ha ha ha.

She has dumped you, she is damaged, you will grieve but onwards and upwards.

TippiShagpile Wed 22-May-13 12:56:38

Please please put it out of your mind that the other mums think you're mad/a bitch/a stalker. They won't. They will see you as a victim number 25 (or whatever) of Alison's weird and controlling behaviour and, I suspect, will be thinking you lasted longer than the others but that's about it.

You'll also find the other mums being more friendly towards you because you are now no longer joined at the hip with Alison. They will be pleased for you that you have managed to disengage. I imagine they held back because they thought you and Alison would bitch about them all day.

I have a lot of fabulous and wonderful friends who make my life happy and complete. However, I never ever let my friendships become so all consuming in the way that your friendship with Alison was (and I mean that kindly). I certainly wouldn't discuss every row I'd ever had with my husband or anything remotely like that.

I think your relationship with her was too intense from the off and her dumping you has been the best thing that could have happened. smile

SixPackWellies Wed 22-May-13 16:38:46

I agree with Tiggi's first two paragraphs completely.

When my Wendy/Alison dumped me, i had people come up to me. ring me etc and invite me to dinners and BBQs, as they were 'too scared' to do it before. When you are in the inner circle, you are tarred, and once you are out people know what has happened (because it happened to them) and so they can be friendly.

Don;'t waste time worrying about thwta she says about you. Most people know it is crap. My Alison told all and sundry i had ruined her relationship with her (24 year old) son. I'd only met him once, and a good year before the falling out, so that claim (among others) was so baffling that i just laughed.

They live in their own reality.

Sounds positive. And no the other mums won't be thinking anything of the sort. Unless they're as unhinged as A and then who gives a shit wink

Laura0806 Thu 23-May-13 13:10:42

Oh my goodness ( and no offence to any lovely Leos) but almost the same things happened to me ( she was a leo). We were such close friends over a number of years and then she suddenly( a jealously thing over our children) she started edging me out of her life. Its been awful as we have the same mutual friends and I feel like I have to stay away from all of them as I feel so uncomfortable when shes around as shes vile to me (nasty looks/ignoring what i say). Shes fallen out with a lot of people in her time and will again but this started 8 months ago and I am still finding it very hard to deal with despite having many other friends because I have to see her every day at school. We're 38 aswell and I seriously didn't even experience this sort of behaviour when I was at school, I didn't even realise that it happened. SO sorry i have no advice to give apart from to say youre not alone and from what you've said Alison doesn't sound like a very nice person. i can't imagine calling people wierdos who were probably only trying to make friends. However, she sounds very similar to my 'friend'! I just wish Id realsied it sooner. My issue is that other poeple havent' realised it and as shes naturally more outgoing, more friendly invites people round for parties all the time ( excluding me now) it feels very lonely. im also gutted that some of our mutual frineds haven't been more supportive to me as they know what shes done but dont want to rock the boat ( I think they suspect what shes like). Im therefore in the process of making a whole new lot of friends so keep talking and let us know how you are getting on

Laura0806 Thu 23-May-13 13:17:20

oh and red andyellowbits, Im the same, I pretend I don't care and I know in my head Im better off without her but I cant help the anger and the upset and Im 8 months on!!! I just can't get away from the women, every night out, every school drop off and she doens't give a toss! Shes lovely to all the poeple shes once slagged off and they have no idea and it drives me crazy but theres nothing I can do apart from rise above it and move on....hard I know but reading other peoples similar threads does help so feel free to vent to me!!

springymater Thu 23-May-13 14:17:58

This thread has come at an opportune time - it's just happened to me!

The awful thing is that I knew she wasn't right. She idolised me and I was very uncomfortable with that, recognising it wasn't balanced. I knew the day would come when I was no longer the apple of her eye. It hurts only slightly less that the end came very suddenly - and for no obvious reason, other than she had tired of 'me'.

I have been very vulnerable in the past year - some awful domestic stuff - and I do think that is part of the reason these types latch on. I gradually realised that everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - had to go her way. She was, and is, very charming, lovely and generous; you'd think one of the genuine ones. Maybe she is on some level...

BUT... she was around at a very difficult time in my life. The quality of our friendship may or may not have been fake/genuine on some level, but it got me through a horrible time. Aison's support when you were a new mum was genuine - or as genuine as a person like this is capable of.

As someone said, you have to feel sorry for those who have no choice but to be in her orbit. piratecat is on the money imo:

she likes things her way and only survives things on her terms. she has cemented your friendship by almost making you feel like this normal person who isn't like the hangers on she tells you of. but there aren't any stalkers op they were prob people who wanted to make friends with this seemingly outgoing person. who actually is not what she portrays

hmm no offence to lovely Leos? It is shallow and offensive I'm afraid and you couldn't get away with saying " I have a friend with blue eyes who did this, what colour eyes did your friend have"

Even if astrology was an accurate way of determining personality you cannot attribute traits to just the sun sign.

I don't believe in astrology however know enough about it to say the sun sign is considered ny the belivers to be just one of the influences on personality. For those that believe in the planetary influence know its the full natal chart that counts I.e where all the planets were at time and place of birth.

To imply that this is Leo thing is really wrong even to those who buy into astrology.

Laura0806 Thu 23-May-13 16:10:10

sorry, it was more said tongue in cheek. You're right there are lovely and tricky folk in all the zodiac signs and Im not a big believer in astrology, I dont think anyone meant any offence, I certainly didn't!

I feel like a dickwad for not realising you we're being tongue in cheek.

Shitters, did I behave like a typical Leo. Gah.


Grinkly Thu 23-May-13 18:38:55

OP said I have no family or close friends in this city
But you are probably like all the other 'stalkers' she sneered at. Trying to make friends in a new situation. You, being normal, got taken in by this manipulative individual.
You might be sad that the friendship was lost but remember all the other people out there she was mocking are really like you. Just wanting some nice friendships. So I'm sure you'll find some real friends soon.

lougle Thu 23-May-13 18:54:17

It's a bizarre thing. I experienced it only last month. It was an online friendship that developed over several years....but we'd got friendly enough that we'd text message despite living in different continents.

This woman needed quite a lot of support and it felt mutual, until one day I was having a bad day, and didn't take her advice and cradle it like a precious jewel, but instead told her, honestly, that I couldn't cope with the conversation that day, but would talk another day.

She basically erased me from her life.

We did talk, a few days later, whereby she launched her character assassination of me. It was ironic - she was projecting massively and her description of me was completely untrue. When I explained that she had hurt me too, she said 'It's not all about you, Lougle'. one day in 3 years that I've had a bad day...grin

Happily, I have a good DH, and another good friend who both said, independently, 'don't be so ridiculous'.

So, I've moved on. It's absolutely liberating and taught me that you don't really know someone until you are having a bad day.

redandyellowbits Thu 23-May-13 19:00:04

Laura0806, springymater and everyone else who has been Wendied/Alisoned sorry to hear this has happened to you to. Thank you for letting me vent here, I am taking everyone's advice onboard, so thank you for that. I think I just need to keep expelling my negative thoughts here until the day I no longer give a shit about her or this.

I feel like an utter idiot being upset over this but somehow cannot shake my disappointment that people like this really existent, and my disbelief/anger that something so ridiculous has happened to me.

I had to text her yesterday as she had lent me a baby bouncer (for my name-stealer baby, back when this didn't seem to be an issue hmm). I text to thanks for lending it, and its on your sons peg at nursery (or usual way of dropping things off for each other). She text me back saying its fine, everything she had lent me she didn't need back and I could pass on or give to charity. She finished with this line: 'I will have something back though, xxxx's name! Lol!X' I didn't reply to the text.

So the name thing obviously is an issue, but weirdly, 9 months after my daughter was named, and based on school ground gossip from some mums (if that is true)!

I had butterflies/a sick feeling in my stomach on the drive in to nursery this morning, worried that I might see her. I tend to stammer or go red or totally waffle when I am nervous or uncomfortable and I didn't want it to be obvious to her that I am upset by this.

As it was I was running late, walking in and she was leaving. She said hello in a very high-pitched, strained way like she was trying (and failing to sound normal). I said hi as I was passing but didn't stop.

I met some other (normal!) friends for lunch today, I ended up telling two of them the situation, because I was so upset by the the whole situation I really wasn't being myself. They both agreed it's very strange and immature behaviour.

I have now got half a mind to text and say 'Are we really never going to speak again because of my baby's name? If you would like to sort it out feel free to give me a call' but I guess that's playing into the stalker-mum scenario.

The nursery have a lunch next term to which all parents are invited, she is going with her DH and I know my DD will want to sit with them. I'm dreading it already!

picnicbasketcase Thu 23-May-13 19:08:37

She sounds like a nasty shitstirrer tbh. I really wouldn't text her about your DD's name, just leave it now. There was no reason at all to put that last bit in her text other than to make you feel bad. Of course you will mourn the friendship you used to have but it sounds like the friend in question is no great loss.

Dorange Thu 23-May-13 19:09:39

Don't txt her anymore.
Go to the lunch and treat her as an acquaintance, don't be fake and don't be friendly to her.

springymater Thu 23-May-13 19:10:59

Who gives a fuck if it's playing into her stalker-mum scenario? She's hardly balanced, and her stalker-mum stuff was all fiction anyway.

I must admit, I'm shocked she put that in the text about your baby's name. She doesn't sound right in the head dept, tbf.

Silly cow.

I hate to say it but I was wary of my recent Alison/Wendy because it's happened before (have I learnt my lesson or what? Maybe I learnt it a bit...). The first time it happened I was completely floored for months and months - so don't feel bad or stupid, or beat yourself up for being floored. Since when were friendships less significant than family/lovers? Someone said upthread that friendship breakups can be worse than romantic breakups, and I agree to that. Jenni Murray wrote a piece about a broken friendship, how desperately painful it had been. She had a huge response.

DiscoDonkey Thu 23-May-13 19:12:58

I would be tempted to reply "I'll hang on to the name thanks but here's a grip LOL"

springymater Thu 23-May-13 19:13:26

I always think the best way to respond to these types is to laugh uproarously when they pull their myriad stunts. Trouble is, it's hard to produce it when your diaphragm is clenched to within an inch of its life.

Come on, it is absurd that she's making a ridiculous fuss over this!

springymater Thu 23-May-13 19:14:09

Yes! Disco has it in one smile

redandyellowbits Thu 23-May-13 19:17:29

I was really shocked to read that in her text too.

Finishing it with a 'Lol! X' is a real cowards way out of taking responsibility for the comment, as she could then say it was all a joke.

It did make me have a major wobble and wonder if I had just over-imagined things and that this fall out was all in my head though.

springymater its true that friendship breakups can be painful, but I hate that its painful to me when she obviously isn't even a nice person.

I need a phrase or tactic to keep my calm when I see her next, and when I see her and her DH at this dinner. Any inner mantras would be gratefully memorised!

TippiShagpile Thu 23-May-13 19:17:51

Don't text her.

Let her go.

You are seeing her true colours now. She's not a friend, she's a head fuck. I suspect she picks on people she thinks may be lonely/vulnerable and I'm quite sure that people who have been around a while know exactly what she's like.

Write on a piece of paper "My friendship with Alison". Go into your garden, light it with a match and watch it disappear into thin air. Sounds crazy but it's so cathartic.

By the lunch next term you will have hardened to her and her silliness and she won't take up so much head space. I promise. I'm so "not bovvered" about my Wendy now and I never thought I would be.

redandyellowbits Thu 23-May-13 19:19:18

Discodonkey - I like it!

My idea was to text back and say 'But nobody has stolen xxxx's name. She still has it' But that's not as good as yours! grin

SixPackWellies Thu 23-May-13 19:40:35

That is so stupid, she is going out of her way to mess with how you feel about your own daughter's name.

What a fucking nutcase. Poor thing, she has to live with her own patheticness and stupidity and mindgames that everyone will see through eventually. You get to laugh and walk away.

You have to laugh.

springymater Thu 23-May-13 20:09:48

There was a woman at my kids' primary school who was like this. So charming and such fun, one of the alpha mums; fantastic job in the arts, huge house in a very posh part of town, dripping with old money, vair posh double-barrelled...

...and she worked her way through the mums, particularly the vulnerable mums. She regularly had a new 'project' and we'd all wince that the poor woman was being taken in - it was like a love affair - and would be spat out at some stage. She also worked her way through other people's husbands, but that's another story.

I'm not suggesting you were pathetic (though you were technically 'vulnerable' because you were new and looking for friends - nothing wrong with that!), just that these types are greedy for new members to enlist into their fan club.

ok, Alison isn't not very nice. You know that now, but you didn't know that before. Of course you're going to be stunned and very hurt.

The woman I've just 'lost' - I was frequently in her (lovely) house and sometimes I took a wistful look around because I knew it was inevitable that my days were numbered. Ah well, it was fun while it lasted <hardened>

springymater Thu 23-May-13 20:11:02

is not very nice - doh!

redandyellowbits Thu 23-May-13 20:13:59

SPicnicbasketcase you are right - I saw it as 'oh my goodness, she doesn't realise I have taken this so seriously, she's laughing about it, maybe I got it all wrong', but actually there was just no need to text that, especially in the context of our conversation about it last week.

One of the mums I confided in over lunch was Jane, our mutual friend. She listened and was very sympathetic and said that Alison does have a tendency to make mountains out of molehills, and basically agreed with the opinions on this board (albeit in a more polite way!), even though I didn't mention MN in any of this. I did say that I don't expect this to stop hers and Alisons friendship, but I will be stepping away from it, which she agreed is a good thing to do. Jane is utterly fair and grown up so I think it was the right thing to confide in her.

Anyway - she just text me and said she bumped into Alison at school and Alison didn't bat an eyelid when she mentioned my name and seeing me at lunch.

So whilst I am in bits over this she is totally unmoved by it and completely able to compartmentalise our friendship. It's really making me see how fake our friendship must have been. TBH I need to see more of this so I can convince myself she is nasty, instead of doubting myself in this instead.

garlicgrump Thu 23-May-13 20:15:22

It's not pathetic or teenagery to feel sideswiped and upset when same-sex friends do this. Just because you don't have sex, it doesn't mean the relationship isn't emotionally bonded and intimate - we often share much more about our inner selves with women friends than with our partners! Of course it's distressing when they 'betray' our trust. Sadly, nutcases come in all genders. The signs were there, OP, but it's just as hard to dump a close pal for being "a bit worrying" as a boyfriend.

Both my Wendys were actually called Wendy grin Wish I knew where this thread was!

I find it helpful to observe weird ex-friends/partners as if they were characters on TV, or even interesting wildlife specimens. (Puts on David Attenborough voice) Ah, the Alison has spotted her next prey. Will she make a move? She's circling now ... seems to be using the 'slag off another mum' ploy ... will the target bite ... ?

Laura0806 Thu 23-May-13 20:22:05

redandyellowbits, Im staring to think its the same women??!! Bizarrely, thats exactly how she now greets me, in this very perculair hi picthed, ridiculously forced hi. It actually shocked me the first time she did it and you feel exactly the same as me, upset with yourself for being upset. me too and I also get nervous every day I see her and liek yours, she doesn't flinch when people mention my name, ask why Im not at her latest party.I kept thinking maybe Id misread things and she wan't really locking me out of her life (even though I knew she was). Its just very hard with the mutual friends as I feel like Im going to ahv to loose all of them because I can't be at lunchs/nights out with her there and not feel so awkward by the way she treats me. maybe in time I dont know

garlicgrump Thu 23-May-13 20:25:24

Bugger, Wendy thread's gone. It was this one: Lots of other references to bad friends as Wendys, though!

No slur intended on nice Wendys, btw, obv smile

springymater Thu 23-May-13 20:26:42

Laugh at her. Laugh and have a jolly good time at the dinner. Act for your life like it's all a breeze and she's being silly and it's so insignificant you barely notice - in fact, you've pretty much forgotten it already. She's history, but you don't have to make a fuss and feed her killer instinct.

don't act wounded. She'll circle you if she smells blood. YOu have to stay in this group so don't feed her stuff. Brush it off as though it is insignificant. Act.

I once did this with a woman who was manipulative and threw a hissy over something or other. I said something (completely ordinary) and she exclaimed 'I beg your pardon!!' and I repeated what I'd said. completely deadpan. We were subsequently at a function and I had a marvellous time - not OTT, just had a good time - and acknowledged her when necessary, as just one of the group. I wasn't nasty, I was natural. Frankly, I was a bit amazed at myself that I could act so well. I completely pulled it off. Wasted talent, clearly.

Dorange Thu 23-May-13 20:28:19

and you also don't want to play this game: you talk to jane about alison, jane talk to alison about you and than talks back to you about alison....
don't go there...forget and move on. don't feed it. tell jane you are not interested and you don't care.
why did jane tell alison she met you for lunch if she knew everything about alison and you?
tell jane not to get involved and not to mention your name/avoid conversations about you, when she is with alison.

redandyellowbits Thu 23-May-13 20:33:15

Dorange I hear you! Jane saw how upset I was and I think was trying to fix the three-way friendship a little.

I can see how this could spiral and make me as bad as Alison in all of this, so I will not be feeding this potential cycle and will ask Jane not to get involved.

redandyellowbits Thu 23-May-13 20:34:22

springymater well done! Not sure I could pull that deadpan thing off, that takes balls of steel grin

redandyellowbits Thu 23-May-13 20:36:18

garlicgrump I like your detachment method, I will try that when I see her after half term.

<clears throat and practices best David Attenborough voice>

redandyellowbits Thu 23-May-13 20:37:52

Laura0806 I feel for you, it must be tough finding yourself squeezed out of social events because of her. Could you grin and bear a few until you become a little more at ease with her being there?

You shouldn't have to be the one to end your friendships because of your Wendy.

springymater Thu 23-May-13 20:44:08

the first time I was tangoed/Wendyed/Alisoned I was a wreck and wouldn't have been able to do that. But I got wise to the silly/manipulative/absurd goings-on after that. the blase aspect isn't so much an act any more.

redandyellowbits Thu 23-May-13 20:48:03

Springymater I need to get to that stage. I have two weeks till the dinner so I need to have hardened up by then!

springymater Thu 23-May-13 20:52:58

Fake it till you make it wink

And, as she's such a toxic cow problematic person, it stands to reason that your life will open up now. She will have held you back on some level. So it's good to be thinking 'what's next?' ie what new opportunities now?

springymater Thu 23-May-13 20:53:47

Practise mentally flicking her like she's a nuisance fly.

It all helps <pats bottom>

redandyellowbits Thu 23-May-13 20:59:05

It's definitely making me re-assess things, for the better I think.

I hate being alone/bored and was hanging on to our friendship more than I should have been.

I need hobbies apart from MNing and to value other, more casual friendships more!

piratecat Thu 23-May-13 21:08:29

mantra-' a real friend would not treat me like this'

repeat. breathe, let go. x

MrsGeologist Thu 23-May-13 21:22:30

Sorry you've been Wendied OP, good to see you're fucking her off.

It's a good idea to ignore her text, though I never take good advice and would have text back. 'Are you for fucking real? Get a grip, nutter. Lol'

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Thu 23-May-13 21:30:29

Basically, don't feed the troll! Say hi when you see her, but don't engage. The friendship is over, she is just an aquaintance.

Don't overthink bumping into her, just treat her as you would a neighbour you rarely see and have nothing in common with.

She sounds like a right drama llama, so you are definitely better off without her in your life.

She probably wants you to chase her so that she can tell her next victim how you were needy and stalkerish. I bet you anything you like that the "giving your DD the same name as hers" issue is going to be brought up as evidence of your weird stalkerish tendencies -- in fact, that's probably why she chose that as the thing to fall out over. And I think it's likely that "she kept contacting me under the flimsy pretext of wanting to return stuff I'd once lent her, so eventually I just had to tell her to keep it all" will be making a guest appearance in her anecdotes too. Don't contact her, don't talk to Jane about her. Do just what you are doing and develop your and your DCs' social circle.

You seem to have spent the last three years believing everything she told you (not unreasonably as she was a friend) but I think reading it back here in one go you've seen how unlikely it all was. She keeps being stalked by new friends -- not once or twice, but repeatedly? She is deliberately blocked into a parking space by other parents -- again, repeatedly? She is approached by other mothers who warn her off you just before she dumps you? Really, I'm calling bullshit on all of it.

Lioninthesun Thu 23-May-13 21:36:03

Wow sixpack this thread was just making me think about my Alison when you said that and I literally got the same text from mine!
For me I was always surprised I never got to meet any of her other friends, unless she was 'doing them a favour' which was the only reason she was spending any time with them at all, of course, or they were 'desperate' to see her. I think in hindshight she was seeing them just as much as me just keeping us apart so she could bitch about us one on one.
You don't need someone like this stirring up in the back ground. Mine dumped me because I left her in a pub (with another friend) when I was drunk on my! Apparently I was meant to chaperone a 30yo all night and be sober hmm These people are highly demanding and it rarely feels as though you are getting their full time/attention anyway once something else comes along (b.f etc).

springymater Thu 23-May-13 21:48:51

Just caught a bit of Brideshead on the telly.

Sebastian Flyte - invited Charles Ryder into an impossibly glittering world; raged about how this person and that person were against him, compelling Charles to get onside; tired of Charles in the end and threw him over on a spurious charge.

redandyellowbits Thu 23-May-13 21:55:42

You seem to have spent the last three years believing everything she told you (not unreasonably as she was a friend) but I think reading it back here in one go you've seen how unlikely it all was

This penny has only just dropped for me. She really is a nasty piece of work. I also totally agree that she wants, or is expecting that I will chase after her, like her other adoring fans did. No bloody way.

For me I was always surprised I never got to meet any of her other friends, unless she was 'doing them a favour' which was the only reason she was spending any time with them at all, of course, or they were 'desperate' to see her. I think in hindsight she was seeing them just as much as me just keeping us apart so she could bitch about us one on one.

She never mixed her friends. Of course I can see why now. We were all in little compartments and came in handy for different needs and purposes, e.g. me when her school friends and DH were busy. But she hated all of them of course, and I was her one true friend hmm

These people are highly demanding and it rarely feels as though you are getting their full time/attention anyway once something else comes along

This is also very true. I got cancelled on a lot, but that of course was a good thing, because she is so independent, and I wasn't like her stalker friends, getting upset every time she cancelled on them hmm

Thank you all for this thread. It's really helping me to stay sane over this and finally see this for what it was!

redandyellowbits Thu 23-May-13 21:58:27

SissySpacek - Drama Llama - that's it! My inner mantra every time I see her, it will make me laugh.

<She's a drama llama, ignore her, she's a drama llama, ignore her, and she's got a cheap blond hair like a llama ignore her, and repeat...>

Lioninthesun Thu 23-May-13 22:02:31

Yes, never getting friends all together is always a bit of a worry IMO. Almost as if she is scared one of you may say something to the other that she told them...
I agree other mums she dumped may well start talking to you at school once they realise it really is over. You will be fine.
Imagine she was a boyfriend too - if you wouldn't put up with it from a new partner, why would you pick that person as a friend?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Thu 23-May-13 22:37:22

Yep repeat ad infinitum! You will be chilled and so not bothered by her histrionics.
Go Red!

Looksgoodingravy Thu 23-May-13 22:55:30

I feel really annoyed for you OP!

Since when did someone own a name ffs!

I think you're doing the right thing in the way you're now remaining silent although I have to say I'd find it extremely hard not to have replied to her last text!

Laura0806 Thu 23-May-13 23:21:33

ah let us know how you get on OP! I know I feel the same that Im better off without her but then can quite easily get upset after an encounter! Hope you get over this quicker as shes really not worth your energy x

DoctorAnge Thu 23-May-13 23:36:21

You will get over this OP.

It does take time though, it's almost like a break- up. It's really horrible but she will mean nothing v soon.

LeChat01 Thu 23-May-13 23:56:29

What a nasty, utterly vile woman. I am furious on your behalf, Redandyellowbits. I do agree with those that have said that it's just your "turn" now, and that you did nothing wrong.

I had an encounter with my very own Alison about a year ago. Very similiar story to yours actually. We were very close friends, confided in each other, spent lots of time together, the kids were friends, and I really felt that she was a great friend to me. Abruptly one day she just stopped talking to me. And by stopped talking to me I do seriously mean stopped talking to me. She'd just walk past me at the school, ignored me at the village shop, and defriended me on Facebook. She also fed several mutual friends with bullshit about me as they stopped talking to me too. These were women that I'd previously socialised with, and chatted with and never ever exchanged a cross word with. I noticed that she then started to target other women that I was friends with and they would go cold with me too. I asked her a few times if I'd done anything wrong or to upset her (by text of course as she refused to speak to me in person) and she had the cheek to reply that no, nothing was wrong. Looking back, she was gaslighting me, but I started to doubt myself and think maybe I was being oversensitive or silly and I even started to think of excuses in my mind for her behaviour such as her being busy or not in the mood for a chat.

Eventually I had a long chat with myself and decided that she could do as she pleased but I was no longer going to give a fuck about what she did or how she behaved. As far as I was concerned she could stuff her friendship, and all my other ex friends that she had fed with tripe were welcome to her friendship and she was welcome to them too. I had a big facebook cull and deleted anyone that I felt had treated me badly, and then held my head up high and did the school run every day, and made an effort to seek out new people to chat to that weren't connected with that woman in any way.

After a while, I noticed that she had dropped a few of the women she had turned against me. So clearly she was only being best buddies with them to get at me. Then, oddly, about 4 months ago she started talking to me again, texting me and trying to be my best friend again, and that is the stage that she is still at and she can try and try until the cows come home but she is not wheedling her way back in. I am polite to her, as it would be childish not to be, but I treat her as though she is a stranger, and am always "too busy" to chat to her. I think she absolutely hated the fact that I quite simply didn't give a shit and I effectively just sat back and let her do what she wanted. With no drama or reaction from me she didn't get what she hoped for, and I think she wanted me to be really upset and to beg and plead her to be my friend again. Our daughters are good friends at school, but I try to encourage my daughter to have other friends too, as her daughter does seem to be following a little in her footsteps (lots of dividing and conquering going on), which is inevitable if she has her mother's example to copy.

Laura0806 Fri 24-May-13 10:07:37

LeChat01, gosh you seemed to have handled your situation really well. i wish I could, I just get so stressed and worked up as Im not used to conflict. Same here, our daughters are 'best friends' and I am desperately trying to get my daughter to have other friends as well as her little girl is starting to say things that aren't very nice and their friendship wont go very far as my 'friend' invites everyones little girl round but mine. Can I ask, if you see her do you just say hi and walk on or do you wait for her to speak to you? I avoid eye contact and if I see her going in one direction, go in the other. This does sound childish but its more my awkwardness as I dont know how shes going to react ( sometimes she says a ridiculous hi, sometimes she ignores me and sometimes she scowls!). I am quite happy to be civil and polite but like you don't want anything more than that to do with my'alison' anymore! I still can't believe there are poeple like this out there. She too befirended frines of mine recenly ( people in the past she has been horrible about although they dont know that). I am sorry you went through this and that other people ignored you aswell, thats pathetic! I haven't had that, our mutual friends are still friendly to both of us , its just I feel awakward in social gatherings when shes there.

LeChat01 Fri 24-May-13 11:16:04

Laura, what I tend to do is just say a bright and breezy "Hello" and then walk off as though I've got to be somewhere. She will sometimes try to talk to me and I do answer her but I carry on walking past her whilst I reply as if I'm incredibly busy, and then just say "Bye" over my shoulder once I've exchanged a few pleasantries with her. Sometimes she will approach me at school collection and stands with me and in that case I am very very vague with her, and at the first opportunity I move and stand elsewhere "Just seen Jane over there, I need a word with her, see you later".

Regarding eye contact, I always make sure I have eye contact with her so she knows I am not intimidated, and also I made a point in the earlier days not to go a different route or inconvenience myself just because of her. I would just hold your head high, saunter on past, say a breezy Hi, and carry on walking. Then she cannot accuse you of ignoring her, but you are making the point that you don't wish to chat with her.

At social gatherings, I would just treat her like a stranger or like an acquaintance mum from school that you rarely speak to. Be polite, but try to stand in sub groups of people that she is not in, and if she chats with you be polite, vague and excuse yourself as quickly as you can.

Biscuitsareme Fri 24-May-13 12:23:33

OP, I'm annoyed for you too! I can relate as well: had a not dissimilar situation at work a few years ago. I now am surprised that I didn't see it coming.

This colleague became my 'best new friend at work' and I was gullible enough to accept her view on everyone/ everything else. I opened up to her far too much too.

She then started dropping hints that not everyone liked me/ my work, saying that it just 'didn't click' between me and my line manager etc. I became paranoid and became even more dependent on her, and started being awkward with other colleagues, resulting in me trying to avoid some of them.

It was only when she left for another job that I realised a) that she wasn't as universally popular as I thought b) that she had been badmouthing me to others while posing as my best mate
c) that in spite of all that I wasn't thought of badly; in fact, people came out of the woodwork afterwards to ask me along for lunch/ pub etc.

I now think of her as abusive really.
Good luck with breezily brushing her off, OP!

Laura0806 Fri 24-May-13 12:26:07

Thanks lechat01, you are right, the way Ive been I could be accused of avoiding her now ( which I have been!). I will try and do as you suggest, its def the right way to go, its just i feel so awkward. OP,I hope you are feeling stronger about it all , take care

redandyellowbits Fri 24-May-13 13:29:08

Laura0806 I feel your pain, its tricky to get the balance right. I don't want to blank her completely, its just not me and tbh I find that kind of passive aggressive behaviour really stressful.

I am scared to say hi in case I also end up doing the high pitched squeaky thing.

I will have to master the hi, quick smile and move on technique, but the thought of seeing her at nursery still makes my stomach jump.

I hope the half term will give me some distance, we are seeing lots of people and doing lots of fun things.

<she's a drama llama, ignore her, she's a drama llama, ignore her, and repeat...>

OP her last text to you is really horrible. She sounds like a bully and I'm shocked she had the nerve to send it. It's like something out of mean girls. I had abusive email from a mum at school and I was upset for weeks. Fortunately it was close to the summer holidays so I could avoid her. But I'm still frightened of seeing her, because as my DH said I'll never be able to out "mad" her. You're sailing on unchartered waters.

In whatever contact you have with her remember she is in the wrong. Remember this thread and hopefully that self assurance will carry you through the 15 seconds it takes to force a smile and say a calm confident Hello.

I might though have concerns about giving her stuff to a charity shop. If she can accuse you 9 months on of stealing her DD's name without discussing with her and for stalking her .... Is she capable of twisting the fact she leant you things? Maybe get your DH to drop round instead after texting "I would be more comfortable returning to you --you fucking untrustworthy loon--"

If you're not worried about this, ignore my paranoia!

Oops strike out fail

redandyellowbits Fri 24-May-13 14:40:26

SaucefortheGander that's exactly why I returned the baby bouncer so soon after, I didn't want it to become ammunition for her to be able to say she lent me stuff which I didn't return. I think I have made my point with it though and I have her text asking me to give stuff to charity so I will do exactly that. After seeing her as hugely popular I am now realising what small circles she really does move in. She can say what she likes to her friends, I doubt there are as many of them as I first feared.

Tbh she is a shopping monster and wouldn't remember half the stuff she gave me. This is the woman who had 47 pairs of baby shoes for her DD before the age of one. All to match her outfits.

I know that sounds like an exaggeration from me, I wish I was kidding, but she gave me over 20 pairs when my (name-stealer) baby was born.

Having said that I will still be giving the whole lot to charity, I don't need that many and have no desire to keep them now anyway.

redandyellowbits Fri 24-May-13 14:44:30

The more I add to this thread the more I dislike her.

SixPackWellies Fri 24-May-13 15:33:48

She may well remember half the stuff she gave you, as it all came with strings attached, if you knew it or not.

When my Wendy manufactured an argument with me, she sent me an e-mailed list of all the things she had 'done' for me (saying 'I'm not saying you owe me'), including the words 'I even invited your parents to my house!'. I had a list of everyting over the two years, of when she had done this or that for me. Mind you, she never mentioned the time she had an anxiety attack because of a so-called staker ex, and because she was afraid of being alone, i stayed over with her nights for 4 days. plus she never mentioned the time she was skint and i loaned her £236 pounds to pay off her overdraft, etc etc etc (never paid back). It was all about what she had done for me, or given me.

You'll hear about the baby clothes, believe me.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Fri 24-May-13 16:16:13

Wow! Just read this thread. I got about half way through the op before deciding this woman is a liar about her friendships. Bad news!

I have had a Wendy moment. It hurts to be treated badly by a grown up but they are out there (more than I realised too)

It's great to see MN being so helpful grin

ShipwreckedAndComatose Fri 24-May-13 16:17:40

I also think she is going to be a little put out that you are not following the script and pestering her over the friendship grin

SgtTJCalhoun Fri 24-May-13 17:12:50

I am glad you're feeling better OP. That text message though shock what a twat! You do realise that history has been rewritten though don't you? In her head "Alison" has decided she is fully justified in her behaviour because you "stole" her name. She probably doesn't even know what the truth is now. There's nothing concrete with these kinds of people. Total head f*cks.

I have to confess to a little snigger at the upset over "Leo's" personalities being denigrated. Wonder how all the Wendy's and Alison's are feeling? wink

redandyellowbits Fri 24-May-13 20:21:41

sixpack weirdly, I really don't care if she tells her friends I am a theif outright! I just can't imagine her sustaining any long-term friendships so I'm sure any lies about be will become meaningless in the end.

shipwrecked you are right about me not following the script. I hope wonder if it will hurt her that I haven't fallen into line.

Sgt I have no doubt she will reinvent the truth and totally believe I did something as warped as she thinks I did.

I am trying to get my head around it all and come up with some witty cutting lines if she ever tries to come talk to me. But I know that's not going to happen, it's far easier for her to bitch behind my back than actually discuss this like a grown up.

Laura I know I will also struggle to act normally when I see her again. I'm going to park up outside nursery, and re-read this whole thread before I go in and bump into her. I think it will help me to remember I am totally in the right her and she is utterly deranged. You could try the same tactic?

springymater Fri 24-May-13 20:47:44

gawd, I'm struggling a bit today with my situation - along the lines of 'how could I have let this happen/what's wrong with me/I knew the signs/what was I doing/what did I expect' sad

Glad you're feeling better/more proactive red

(pass it on will ya)

All you Wendied people are well rid. You will learn from it believe me!

Spaghettio Fri 24-May-13 21:59:56

Another here who has been Wendied/Alisoned.

I've reached the point where I have a polite detachment with her, but I still have contact with her family (family friends not school mums).

I've felt such a weight off my shoulders since I realised I just had to let go of her and her drama llama ways. I feel so much better now and Ive reached the point where's really don't care what she thinks or who she tells lies to. I know the truth and I feel better for having her out of my life.

Soon you will reach this point too OP and you will feel sooooooo much better for it. (it's a little bit of heaven in your day to day life!)

redandyellowbits Wed 12-Jun-13 19:29:10

I thought I would update, since I have some news!

I have had a fun-filled and very busy past few weeks, seeing family and friends over the half term and the weekends.

Although I was hurt by Alison's lack of invite to pop by on Tuesday for our regular get together with the DC, by the following week I had already forgotten that I usually went there on Tuesdays, and instead I spent the day at home with DD2 and DD3. It was quite nice to do that!

Anyhooo...just last week out of the blue I got a text from Alison - sorry if there has been any misunderstanding, I don't hold grudges, I hope we can move on from this. Please reply, if not I understand and will never bother you again.

Against my better judgement I did reply - There hasn't been a misunderstanding, this is the reason I am annoyed at you, if you can explain your actions to me I'd be happy to move on.

She text back - I can explain myself, no problem. But it's not all my fault, there are lots of things you have done, I want to talk to you about them all and why I am also upset, blah blah blah.

And the killer line from her was - I wasn't going to try to patch up the friendship, but as I can see you have questions that need answering and I can definitely answer them.

Errrrrm, if you didn't want to patch up the friendship then why are you trying to do so? I think she was a little put out at me not following her script and doing the chasing and mending this broken friendship.

But she is also trying to pin the blame on me for everything - ie if I don't meet her and the friendship ends, then that's my fault. She wasn't going to patch things up, but will do so because I have questions (which she didn't know about till after she tried to patch things up!)

I was civil and said ok let's meet, but I am busy at work and have no desire to catch up with her about this. She has text every few days asking if we can chat right now, and I so far have not taken her call. I simply cannot be bothered to listen to her version of the truth, I am sure she will have re-written everything in her head. I can totally, utterly, honestly say I have never been mean or intentionally upset her ever that I can think of. I think she just needs to lay the blame of this all at my feet.

Spaghettio I think I am nearing your position, and I am bloody proud of myself for doing so. She can fuck right off!

Timetoask Wed 12-Jun-13 19:43:36

And this is the exact reason why I only truly trust my DH and my sister. I would never confide about my personal life to anyone else. Friends come and go, family doesn't.

springytate Wed 12-Jun-13 19:47:04

Glad to hear back from you red

As chance would have it, the friend who blew me off also suddenly got back in contact, left a present at my door, said she was sorry - so-and-so had made her do it (I felt it resembled a teen movie at this point). I said 'what about you ?' and she said ' Me??! ' like the very idea she has personal responsibility was outlandish.

Really, I wouldn't bother with this woman. My friend has form for blowing people off and picking them up at a later date as if nothing has happened. Seems to be all about control, dangled on a string, pulling us backwards and forwards. I haven't responded to the present she left, said 'I'd rather leave it for now if you don't mind'. meaning I'd rather leave the relationship 'for now'. I've been through the hell and won't be walking into that again easily. Your eyes have been opened red , you've seen what she is about.

The only thing that concerns me is she might kick back somehow. As we're talking playground stuff. I wonder if you and I could meet manipulative headfuck 'friend' and be all reasonable but cool. Ah, some people seem to be able to pull it off <sigh> Perhaps we could write something 'reasonable'?

springytate Wed 12-Jun-13 19:49:49

LOL Timetoask , my family are a seething bunch of vipers. Not all families are wonderful and true.

Spaghettio Wed 12-Jun-13 20:08:03

Go red ! It's a great feeling to not feel burdened by another person and their dramatic life!

Sofasurfer37 Wed 12-Jun-13 20:11:16

I would defo wipe her from your life, you don't need friends like that, people like that are toxic.

i'm sure u will find that if u ignore her she will come running back to you anyway but tbh I would tell her to do one. she sounds like a child and an idiot for listening to school ground tittle tattle and not discussing it with you like a adult.

kick her to the kerb gf and find a true friend smile xx

redandyellowbits Wed 12-Jun-13 22:25:48

springytate how funny that your Alison got in touch too! I'm glad you didn't forgive and forget, I must admit I was tempted to do so just to keep the peace.

I am not going to meet up with her, if she starts accusing me of x, y and z I won't be reasonable and cool (sadly), I am going to feel like I have to defend myself, and I'll end up getting caught up in her sad little world again.

Timetoask I realise now I was overly reliant on Alison's friendship as my family all live in a different city (but all very close to each other). I was, and still sometimes do, feel quite alone here.

But since I have ditched Alison this feeling has started to die down a little. Instead of looking for a replacement I am beginning to realise that it's ok to have lots of superficial friends or acquaintances where I live, and a lovely family further away who I speak to/text/email almost every day (even though I would move back in a heartbeat if I could!). If the alternative is having a too close friendship here where I am being dragged into someone else's dramas, I would rather not have that.

Spaghettio It's a great feeling to not feel burdened by another person and their dramatic life! - my sentiments exactly!

I am saying hello to some lovely mums on the school run and seeing other people in a whole new light. I was far too close to Alison and should have been enjoying the company of other people.

Since ditching her another nursery mum invited me to hers for a cuppa, and an old friend has also been in touch for a play date with her kids. I think these are coincidental as nobody knows I have fallen out with Alison, but whereas I probably would not have got round to visiting the new/old friends before (or have been seeing Alison in my spare time instead), I am definitely going to make the effort to see them both.

Sofasurfer thank you! She does keep running back to me already, and I am glad she feels bad for the way she treated me. But I keep reminding myself that, actually, she doesn't feel bad at all, she just wants to absolve herself of all responsibility blame the whole drama on me instead.

Ah, this feels good! grin wine

springytate Wed 12-Jun-13 22:36:39

Yes, I was tempted to 'forgive and forget to keep the peace' - but my gut got in the way and I was, shall we say, frosty . For a start, she called me on my landline (after a call to my mobile which I didn't pick up; then I discovered the present on my doorstep when I got home - I was back in The Presence!), knowing I don't see caller number on my landline phone. So that was a trick I didn't appreciate.

I felt vaguely guilty for a few days, wondered if she'd be ok (see? good friend material!). That passed I'm glad to say. I don't feel angry, I'm just glad to be shot of her. As I said, I went through the pain and I'd be an idiot to go back to it, expecting things to be any different further down the line.

Sounds like your life is opening up. Great smile

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper Wed 12-Jun-13 23:23:03

But, you've already given her the attention and drama she wanted by replying at all, telling her she had annoyed you and agreeing to meet (even if you don't actually meet). So now she thinks all these weeks of silence have been on her doing rather than yours and will be thinking she has power over you again. You should have ignored her.

springytate Wed 12-Jun-13 23:40:38

Haha! bit late for that Amy

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I don't agree, actually. She's put the ball in your court * red* , you didn't gush over her, grateful to be allowed back into The Presence. That in itself spoke volumes. Now she's back-peddling, saying she wouldn't have blah blah ... so tiresome, I can't even be bothered to repeat it.

She's on the back foot imo. YOu don't have to play games. Being authentic is pretty ok in my book.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper Thu 13-Jun-13 00:16:19

Its not too late. She can still ignore and stop responding. Alison hasn't put the ball in reds court at all. It was in her court when she was ignoring her. Wendy's like to know that as soon as they click their fingers, their target will come start responding again and that's what OP did unfortunately. They like to know that they are still on their targets mind and in their head and by saying she was annoyed, OP confirmed that. Alison isn't running back. This is just part of what Wendy's do. Create the drama, revel in the drama, patch it up so they can do it all again.

I'm not saying this to be harsh, I'm trying to help. I've been unlucky enough to be Wendied/Alisoned several times in my life when I was vulnerable and Alison is following the same script. They end the "friendship" and get back in touch after a while because they miss having someone to make up stories to. They do it in a seemingly meek and mild "I'll understand if you don't want to and ill never bother you again" manner to make you feel like you might be in the wrong. So you (general you) reply. And then they switch back to being a Wendy (see Alison's sudden switch to blaming OP) and try to subtly make you take the blame for the whole thing. And then once you've talked it through she will say how she feels better for getting it out and she will suggest patching up the friendship after all. And after a big talk and clearing the air you think "ah why not". And the Wendying will slowly begin again.

OP, I really would just stop replying to her. Any response is a good response in her book so don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you've even given her a single thought.

redandyellowbits Thu 13-Jun-13 11:50:20

springytate I agree, I think she is on the back foot and I am in control here, she is waiting for me to have a free spot when she can call me and explain her side of things. So far my responses have been one sentence - Sorry I am busy on Tuesday, maybe next week.

Any I get what you are saying though, that by feeding into her conversations I am prolonging the drama. I shouldn't have replied to her, but, like springy I had a little attack of the guilts (is she ok, she is being nice and trying to patch things up). That's just me, I would give people another chance. BUT, her saying 'I wasn't going to patch things up but I will' just serves to confirm her manipulative and narcissistic ways. I am providing a brick wall to her responses, and not falling over to invite her over or clear some time for her.

In all likeliness it will continue like this for the next few weeks till nursery term finishes. Then its summer holidays and our DC will be at different schools, so I will rarely if ever bump into her again. But she won't be able to say I blanked her, just that we never got the time to sit down and talk it through. I am fine with that as a conclusion to a quite frankly nutty friendship.

I wish I was as strong and sure of things in RL as I am on this board! grin

Laura0806 Thu 13-Jun-13 13:24:25

Gosh was just thinking of you and how you were getting on. I didn't relaise your children were going to different schools, that will make things much better as you can start afresh and not have to see her again. Unfortunately my 'Alison' is at the same school with a daughter in the same class. Im really struggling as we get invited to all the same things as have the same mutual friends and so I have made efforts to make new friends and then I find she is now starting to befriend them ( I suspect on purpose). I can deal with being left out by her but when she has all the children bar mine round it is really upsetting for my child. Even though I know some of the mutual friends know what shes like they go along with her little meetings and social gatherings knowing how shes treating me and that really hurts too. ANyway, sorry for rambling on your thread. Really hope you can keep out of her way until nursery finishes

CatsAndTheirPizza Thu 13-Jun-13 13:49:44

I've only skim read this - and only your posts, but I don't think she sounds very nice either. I suspect she was encouraging the shy mums to confide in her and getting a bit of a kick out of binning people.

She sounds a little bit unstable to me. The school-gate dramas can be a bit of a nightmare (I would never have believed it pre-children) but I'm glad you've managed to see her for what she is. I'm sure your daughter will find new friends too smile.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 13-Jun-13 16:26:06

"I don't hold grudges" This is the watershed comment for me. Shouldn't she have respectfully asked/hoped that you don't hold grudges? Instead you get a prissy pants declaration about her character (as if holding grudges is a bad thing) and you will be in a negative light if you don't succumb to the manipulation and parrot that was almost like the jedi knight mind control out of Star Wars. Nice trick, even nicer that you didn't fall for it. grin

I am glad you are putting her off, but why do that dance? Do you feel it gives you a little payback at her expense since she so richly deserves it? It is still a toxic connection even if you feel you are the one pulling the strings, Red. Please stop responding.

redandyellowbits Thu 13-Jun-13 16:53:54

I am glad you are putting her off, but why do that dance? Do you feel it gives you a little payback at her expense since she so richly deserves it? It is still a toxic connection even if you feel you are the one pulling the strings, Red. Please stop responding.

It does feel like a little payback blush

I also lack the balls to cut her off so completely and by responding and fobbing her off I'm waiting for the friendship to fizzle out over the summer.

redandyellowbits Thu 13-Jun-13 20:53:15

Laura0806 I am sorry you are having such a tough time of it.

It doesn't sound easy when your DDs are in the same class together, and she sounds like a spiteful cow if she is inviting other children over and deliberately excluding yours.

I can (sort of) understand the mutual friends continuing the friendship, probably to keep the peace, but if they can see what she is like then is there a possibility those friendships will also fizzle out soon, or she will Wendy/Alison someone else?

Laura0806 Thu 13-Jun-13 22:09:42

Ah thanks, yes I can understand the keeping the peace thing, just doesn't feel very good! Hopefully the fizzling out for you will be successful!

springytate Thu 13-Jun-13 22:35:01

String her along a bit, why not? imo, a dramatic 'That's IT! I'm not talking to you any more!' is just daft. Far better to sort-of not be available. ime you never know when you might bump into each other again in a practical capacity iyswim. You don't want it to be all high dudgeon. You can pretend you both just kind of fell out of step, nothing awful, just went along separate paths. Re-write history!

I have become so much more sneaky in my old age LOL. Needs must, there are some toxic people about. Cover my own back.

Laura , you situation sounds horrible! I hope something sorts itself out before too long.

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