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New partner needing 'time'

(952 Posts)
confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 15:54:37

I've recently started seeing someone - it's been under a month officially but we were very close before that for about 6 months.

He seems to come across as quite intense in his 'feelings' - always saying things like how he's broken, doesn't wan to lose me (said in that breathless, urgent way you'd imagine someone to say it in a cheesy american movie!) and the first week we were together he kept saying how strong his feelings were, felt like we'd been together a lot longer and all that stuff.

However, because he'd recently split up with someone and because of the fact I don't get on with a family member of his (I knew this family member before I knew him and we've never got along), he's been reluctant to tell anyone he's seeing me - he wanted to wait until the summer and then he felt like he'd be able to tell his close family members (including this person that hates me).
This caused issues between us, because I felt like we couldn't go out anywhere - he'd come and visit me at home, stay over etc and we have been out a few times out of town, but I want to just be able to go to the local restaurant or something in town and not worry that he'll be looking over his shoulder. He says I want everything 'now' and it's not possible...so because of this we argue - not full on rows, but niggly sort of things where usually one of us says we can't cope with it, and it's all up in the air again.

We were due to go out last night together, in town for a meal.

It'd been planned for 2 weeks, I had got my mum to have my three children overnight so we could go out (which meant me buying air beds and a travel cot so they could sleep at her house), and then Friday morning I had asked him to come over that night because we had been arguing and I wanted to try and fix us before I could go out with him the next night...eventually he agreed, we had a slight niggle but the rest of the night was fine, he said he couldn't lose me, the next morning he was very loving and we left on a good note - although he hadn't gone to sleep when I told him to that night, instead he kept trying it on for 90 minutes so we ended up only having about 4 hours' sleep sad

It got to 5pm on Saturday, the kids had already gone to my mum's and he text saying he was very tired, hadn't had a chance to sleep and would have to stay home - then didn't seem to understand why I was pissed off. I asked him to stick to the arrangements, he said he needed sleep and it spiralled into this massive argument and him refusing to even come over and see me, but stay in the house with me and not go out...which annoyed me further.

Eventually at 9pm he agreed to come over but sleep on the sofa, but said it would be finished for good if I "made him" come over...so he turned up, was very cold (I'd hoped I could win him round a bit but it didn't happen) and eventually left again after saying he couldn't handle this, and I should've let him stay at home.

He's now saying we need to "work on positive texts and see how we go" - we can't see each other now until the weekend after next as we both have commitments, so he wants me to basically just send him chatty, random texts through the next couple of weeks, effectively covering up how hurt I am and not talking about 'us' until he decides whether he misses me and wants to try again or not.

I understand that all this arguing has got him down; it has me too, but on Friday night he said he can't lose me with that sense of urgency and passion that made it seem like he loved me...then last night he said his feelings had significantly reduced over the past week or so and he wants to se if he can get them back - to me, I don't want to wait around to see if his feelings reappear; if they went in the first place (mine haven't, despite the arguing) then it feels like I'd be losing the self respect I still have left by taking him back if he decided he wanted to.

Does that make sense at all?

Apologies for the essay...I suppose I'm just wondering if he's being unreasonable in what he's asking of me now, or I am.

PS - he did text me last night saying that he can't see how he can be with me, but the thought of not being with me hurts him like crazy; and that he just needs a bit of space from the arguing, and just positive texting for a week or so, and see if it helps his feelings reappear.

Good grief it all sounds very intense and bloody hard work for someone you have been seeing for a month shock

I can't imagine what is so attractive, he sounds very needy and high maintenance already and he expects you to appease him an awful lot.

So many red flags that it looks like bunting TBH.

coffeewineandchocolate Sun 19-May-13 15:58:44

he's a dick. this is never going to be a healthy, grown up relationship as he's only concerned about suiting himself. get out now!

Ponyphysio Sun 19-May-13 15:59:05

I'm sure someone much wiser will be along shortly, but I think he sounds like a prize twat who wants to keep you dangling and massaging his ego while he decides if he can be bothered!

Sh1ney Sun 19-May-13 15:59:42

What a whole heap of absolute tiring nonsense . Why would you even bother with this aggro?

Tell him to sling his hook. And then concentrate on finding someone who is free to take you out and behave in a normal fashion instead of all this bollocks. A month in and he's like this ? God , imagine a year of it. He sounds weird, needy and selfish

scaevola Sun 19-May-13 15:59:57

He's not relationship material, sorry.

This sort of game playing is a great big red flag, and could keep you on a string for ages if you let it.

It might be because he's got baggage from the split, or it might be because he's a twat, or it might be some other reason. Unless you want to be nurse/psychotherapist, I suggest this is time to draw a line.

ThereGoesTheYear Sun 19-May-13 16:00:33

God he's hard work! Of course HIBU. It's not going to get any better, these odd requests come from a strange mind.

Why are you putting up with this crap? A month in should be all new and exciting, not arguements and ball ache already. Just ditch him.

Playerpleeease Sun 19-May-13 16:02:16

So everything's your fault and he wants you to make it better?

Over the top utterings about losing you and hurting?

Not being seen in public with you because of a random family member?

You've been together month, you are not responsible for his feelings, run for the hills.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 19-May-13 16:02:18

He sounds like a nobber. Sorry OP.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 19-May-13 16:02:53

He sounds like the ex of a friend of mine. He's a dickhead too.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 16:03:45

You see, that was my thinking.

It was all very much "I love you so much" the first week, I got a bit caught up in it too and there was talk of living together in the very near future, then I caught sight of myself a bit and it's actually ever since then that these arguments have been getting worse - because the fact he is so changeable is causing tension between us.

He keeps telling me he needs me to only say what he means; but if his feelings had waned over the past week, then why on Friday night did he share my bed, have sex with me and say he "couldn't lose" me?
I asked him that and he just kept saying that he can't not have sex with me if I'm in the bed with him - which wasn't actually what I was asking - and then he started saying he knew he should have stood up for himself and not come over Friday night (even though I hadn't pressured him into it - I did in the morning, but he had martial arts training at 8pm until 10, and before he left for training I'd told him that if he didn't feel up to coming over afterwards, then he didn't have to...his reply came across as really panicky; he replied "don't do this!!! sadwhat do you want me to do?!" I thought then...calm down love! lol).

The argument on Friday evening actually came about after I'd opened the door to him, smiled, said hi, he came in and gave me a kiss then handed me a bottle of cider to go and open, so I did that.
About an hour later he asked if I wanted him to go or stay, I said it was up to him and he took offence at that, saying I wasn't showing enough positivity or enthusiasm.

Just seems like he always wants more than I can give sad

Ponyphysio Sun 19-May-13 16:04:41

Just re-reading OP's post, he souunds like my ex!! If his initials are CC run like the clappers!!

Shellywelly1973 Sun 19-May-13 16:04:57

Where's the fun in this?

You deserve better then this. It sounds like awfully hard work!

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 16:05:12

Whoops...replied to the first post and suddenly all these replies have turned up in the meantime!

FightingFires Sun 19-May-13 16:05:22

Sod that! He sounds like a nightmare!

I'd not bother texting, calling, anything. Leave him to his drama and get on with your life.

If he's like this now, imagine years of it. It won't change. And there are normal (ish) men out there if you keep looking.

Good luck

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 16:08:23

To try and give both sides, when we got caught up in this thing in the first week - where we both thought we felt like it was something special, really strong feelings etc, he had started putting things in place; he had spoken to a friend of his and said he was seeing someone, and sort of suggested we go out with this friend and his new partner, we went out that weekend - just me and him with his dog and that was lovely, we went for a long walk in the country while my mum had the kids (as she always does on a sunday), and then he had said that the following weekend we would go out with the kids and move things along from there...but that never materialised as we argued (cant remember what about now) and he then started saying he wanted to just start 'dating'.

I think that as it started off so intense, that then suddenly trying t start just going out once a week and him not staying over, is silly.

That's when he accused me of wanting everything "too soon" :/

kllews26 Sun 19-May-13 16:09:33

He's not that into you. Run away don't walk, he's an idiot with baggage and issues

GoodbyePorkPie Sun 19-May-13 16:09:38

"It was all very much "I love you so much" the first week

he just kept saying that he can't not have sex with me if I'm in the bed with him

About an hour later he asked if I wanted him to go or stay, I said it was up to him and he took offence at that, saying I wasn't showing enough positivity or enthusiasm."

My God he is a nightmare! He is playing games with you, expecting you to jump through his hoops to prove your devotion. It's only been a month - do you have the energy to do this for the next five years? Ten? Because he's not going to change!

Sorry, I got to the end of your 4th paragraph but by then I was too blinded by red flags everywhere to read any further.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 16:11:45

lol pony, no they're not - but my ex before this guy was very controlling and manipulative/violent so if you ever meet a man in his 50s with initials PD then you run away as quickly as possible too ;)

I'm trying to see this from his point of view too...hence posting here.

I think he's being unreasonable expecting me not to talk about 'us' and just texting him for the next - well he hasn't even said how long, all I know is he's away next weekend, work means we can't really see each other weekday evenings as we both end up exhausted...but last night he said if I'd just left him alone and just been positively texting for a few days, chances are he'd have been texting me by Thursday saying he missed me like crazy and wanted to see me, as he's away at the weekend.

If he didn't want to finish things, then in your opinion what would have been the best way for him to go about fixing us - rather than the way he has gone about it?

mrsmarples Sun 19-May-13 16:12:14

Can I suggest you visit the baggage reclaim site by natalie lue? Your chap is in there under 'future faking' 'mr unavailable and the assclown', 'flip flapping' and god knows how many other blogs.

He's a knob, I know it, the other posters so far know it and so do you.
a MONTH IN and he's seriously testing what he can put you through in the future - until he decides you're 'hard work' and he dumps you without so much as a glimpse over his shoulder.

Ditch and move on OP.

The idea of relationships is they are meant to be fun.

Is this fun?

Didnt think so. Time to call it a day.

Leverette Sun 19-May-13 16:13:11

He's a psycho arsehole

And probably in a relationship already

He should be proud to be seen with you, why have you tolerated being kept a grubby secret?

iwantanafternoonnap Sun 19-May-13 16:14:28

Run as fast as you can. He is needy, immature and a jerk. The minute you are unable to give him your undivided attention he will look elsewhere so save yourself the heart ache. I am speaking from experience by the way.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 16:16:26

He does keep on saying "I'm broken" (meaning he is, not me) and when I asked why, he said something about how he was just trying to get me to understand why he is the way he is, and hoping I'd fix him.

That was a pretty big red flag, but I chose to ignore it at the time sad

Trouble is, he seems a lot like my ex; who had no empathy along with all the controlling shit - so when I see this guy seemingly wanting things on his terms and not understanding my point of view/compromising, I get really panicky that he's a controlling shit like my ex was and we argue.

For the purposes of balance though; there have been times when I've messed him around - although not intentionally...

There was one time I asked him to come round but then by the time he got here I'd fallen asleep (it was only 9pm but I was exhausted), woke up to him knocking the door but as I was in bed I was too tired to go downstairs, so I ended up texting him to go home...then he got round the corner and I regretted it, so to be fair to him, he did come back.

There was another time after an argument when he stormed out and I asked him to come back in - and again, he did.

So maybe it's both of us?

joblot Sun 19-May-13 16:16:30

What's this positive texting business? Is he a teenager? Sounds all too intense and inappropriate. I second the hill running suggestions

Booyhoo Sun 19-May-13 16:16:32

dump him.

too much effort. no fun at all. far too serious. he's blowing hot and cold. the way you feel now is the way you will feel for as long as you are seeing him. your call but it sounds shit to me. it should be fun 1 month in.

Can I ask why you're thinking of introducing kids to a guy you had been seeing for a WEEK? That's mad! Have they met him yet? Has he been staying over while they've been home?

You could make bunting out of all the red flags here in this dysfunctional mess of a so called relationship.

Dump him before you become further enmeshed in his power plays and mindgames. Such men too can really do an awful lot of harm to self esteem and worth.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 16:20:52

Leverette Ok I'm going to say it, although now everyone will remember my previous thread sad

He works in a school, the same school my children go to. His sister is the Headteacher and this is the family member that has issues with me (not major issues, she is just very stuck up, I'm a non catholic at a catholic school and she doesn't like that, etc).

He went out with a dinnerlady at the school (who also had kids there) and as far as I know that didn't cause any issues, apart form his sister making comments as she didn't like her brother's choice of partner, but his reasoning is as he was all set to move countries to be with his partner (who dumped him after he started having doubts about moving, according to him), it's too soon to start dating someone else - he says he's worried what everyone will think of him; plus the issues with the school and his sister are worrying both of us.

I can sort of see his point, but also feel like it's not giving us a fair chance because anyone else he dates, he'd get to go out with and risk being seen.

ltb

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 16:22:54

You're spot on with him lacking in empathy. All his emotions will be superficial and they'll all be about him and his needs.

You're only a few weeks in to this and already you're confused about what's going on. Give it another 6 months and you'll feel like you never said goodbye to the last twunt to mess with your head.

Perhaps that's why you're rationalising the situation by suggesting it's both of you to 'blame', perhaps not, but either way it doesn't sound like fun at all.

Hi confuseditisme,

Re your comment:-
"He does keep on saying "I'm broken" (meaning he is, not me) and when I asked why, he said something about how he was just trying to get me to understand why he is the way he is, and hoping I'd fix him.

That was a pretty big red flag, but I chose to ignore it at the time"

Now why did you choose to ignore such a flag?. That is something you really need to ask yourself here. You have to look at your role here in all this as well.

Also if your ex was controlling as well, it seems that your relationship radar has become well and truly skewed along with your boundaries.

I would ditch this person pronto and enrol yourself on the Womens Aid Freedom Programme. As it is you are ripe for being targeted by such low lifes because of your past relationship experience that need now to be unlearnt for your sake as well as any children you have.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 16:24:28

BreakOutTheKaraoke yes - they know him from school (he's a teaching assistant in Yr6, my eldest is only in the first year) and he has met them once here; usually he stays over but leaves before they wake up, but this one time (during our "it's love" idiot moment in the first week), he came down and had a coffee with us at breakfast time.

The kids reacted ok, haven't acted any differently towards him in school or asked about him since, so I think I may have just got away with that one - but obviously wish I hadn't been so stupid!

Erm...cant remember who said the thing about self esteem now, but this is where I thought he was different - my ex was very much always putting me down, whereas this guy is always telling me how beautiful I am, the good bits are great etc and it's just the arguing he can't cope with...

CalamityKate Sun 19-May-13 16:26:50

Oh FFSdo you really need anyone to tell you that this bloke is a needy drama queen?

Just the thought of him breathlessly gasping endearments like a bad 80s movie is making me itch to slap him hmm

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 16:26:55

Guess I was just hoping that I was misreading things, and he had a genuine point.

Can I ask again though, just so I understand for the future - if he felt this 'arguing' had got him down, but wanted to be with me - what would have been the best/most usual way for him to handle it?

I know how I would've handled things if I were him, but just need to know what 'normal people' would do if they had been him smile

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 16:26:55

Using his family as an excuse not to be seen in public with you = immature and irresponsible fuckwit, probably a liar, commitment-shy, selfish and bad for any woman who's self esteem isn't great.

Are you one of those women?

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 16:30:34

He uses the 'getting me down' as a way of controlling you. It's really simple. If he can't handle a normal part of relationships (arguments) then he can't handle a relationship full stop. So he uses the threat that if you dare step out of line he'll leave.

Why bother?

fackinell Sun 19-May-13 16:31:51

Sounds to me like he's either married or in a committed relationship!! It sounds all too familiar to me as after 2yrs I found out my ex was leading a double life!! (He worked away a lot.) maybe the fact he doesn't want his sister to know is because he shouldn't be dating. Have you been to his home?

aroomofherown Sun 19-May-13 16:33:11

Sorry - coming from someone who has dated her fair share of dicks - get out now. This is just drama, no real respect or fun.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 16:33:34

Yes and no akaWisey I think I'm a nice person, have a lot of good points, I'm not the prettiest but not the worst either looks-wise, have a good body for having had three children, my kids are amazing and I feel like I've done a great job bringing them up single-handed for the past 4 years...but I do doubt myself when it comes to reading people and their intentions.

My ex is one of those that believes his own lies, even managed to get the policewoman that arrested him for strangling me, to say how nice he came across, once sad (she was taking a statement off me and said "he does come across as a very likeable man, though" - I mean wtf?!).

So it's hard for me to tell when someone is lying.

As for the commitment-shy bit; well I have no idea how true it is, but he says needing affection is because he spent 25 years with his ex wife and she never wanted to touch him; no hugs, sex was doing her wifely duty and it got him down, he only stayed for the kids and then she had an affair, so he left once the kids were teens. He says he never wants to be with someone who doesn't want him, so needs me/whoever he's with to show their affection as much as he does.

He also told me that after a year, he starts having doubts about the relationship (sometimes even if it's going well) and usually when he vocalises those doubts, the partner concerned ends up leaving him.
I'm surprised he was shocked by them doing that, tbh :/

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 16:34:42

Asking MN how best for him to handle things won't translate into action on his part btw.

This is who he is. You either accept it or you ditch.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sun 19-May-13 16:36:13

Dump him.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 16:36:38

fackinell - nope, not yet.

He has stayed over a lot though; in the first week it was pretty much every night, since then it's been always a Monday, thurs or fri and a Saturday, the other days he has martial arts training from 8pm-10pm.

When he added me as a friend on his facebook (I realise how silly that sounds, but he did it to 'prove' he wasn't ashamed of me - as usually school staff adding parents on facebook isn't really approved of at our school), it did say he was single.
And as his most recent ex is still a friend of his on there, I'd imagine she wouldn't have liked it much if he had changed his status to single but they were actually still together.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 16:37:52

No I know akaWisey, I'm just trying to understand what is the usual/normal way to handle things.

If I understand how most people would have handled the situation if they were him, then I understand people better, simple as that.

That's why i'd like to know smile

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 16:38:09

A BIG clue that someone is lying -

coming on to you with the big, dramatic lovey 'there's no-one else for me but you' speech within a few days of getting together.

There's a lie right there. Surely you can see that?

CalamityKate Sun 19-May-13 16:38:42

I'd stop trying to analyse him and his actions if I were you.

It's probably exactly what he wants. I bet he's got an image of himself as fascinating/complicated/wounded and the thought that you're spending all this time and energy trying to work out how to fix him tickles him no end -hmm

Really, he's not fascinating, complicated or wounded. He's a dull, self obsessed twat. Don't give him head space. He's not worth it.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 16:39:59

Most people if they were your bloke would handle it in the same way as him.

He's not unique in that respect because all controlling, manipulative, scheming, lying and needy people do similar things to make themselves feel better even at the expense of how other's feel about it.

CalamityKate Sun 19-May-13 16:40:55

akaWisey I totally agree.

People who are very intense ridiculously early on in relationships tend to go cold just as quickly.

Sh1ney Sun 19-May-13 16:41:47

Op! Stop. All these long messages about someone who is not into you. Just walk away

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 16:41:55

I know, but I just asked how 'normal' people would have handled it, if they thought that too many arguments were getting them down.

I need to know for the future - I do wonder whether I'm autistic or something (as is my little boy) because I have a hard time working people out.

akaWisey - I said that too though, possibly first; can't remember now. Either way at the time, it felt right an natural on my part, then I realised that my feelings couldn't have actually been that strong so soon, so I backed off a bit from it all.

Sh1ney Sun 19-May-13 16:43:07

And stop trying to ' understand him'

Trust me - he's not doing anything to try and understand you.

It sounds like you could be a little bit co dependant and you obviously like him more than he likes you. Don't let yourself be treated this way

Standards yes ?

BicBiro Sun 19-May-13 16:44:08

please take a step back from this relationship - just to give yourself time to think clearly. you say you're confused, so ploughing on as things are is hardly going to help. it will just add to the confusing feelings.

what does your gut tell you? don't ignore your inner anxiety, it's coming up as a warning that something isn't right. you will just invite more pain into your life if you don't listen to it.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 16:44:13

akaWisey - still confused, in that case.

If most people would have handled it in the same way, then how do you know he's controlling/ a liar?

I've already said, I've said and done things to 'test' him at times, saying it's finished and then changing my mind when he said he didn't want it to end...yes not ideal but that was my insecurity and I was working on that - but it just seemed like my small steps weren't big enough for him.

BicBiro Sun 19-May-13 16:48:13

if he's broken and wants you to fix him, then he will want you to be like an unconditional mother to him, pandering to his needs and mood changes. is this really what you want in a partner?

I remember your other threads. You were repeatedly told that it would be a very bad idea to get with him, on both of the threads (if I remember right you did a 'fake' one first, with false details, then posted up the real details on the next thread). You didn't listen, even though everyone told you he was using you and it wasn't right.

The same is happening here. Everyone is telling you EXACTLY the same. He's not worth it! You are dragging your kids into a very ugly situation for them- all it takes is for one of them to have a nightmare and come through, and they know MR so-and-so from school is there. What issues does that cause then? He might not be in their class, but he'll be about in the playground, or class assemblies. All the while, he's not sure if he wants to be with you, but keeping you on a string. So, so confusing for your kids, it doesn't sound like you're having any fun- are you really THAT desperate for a boyfriend?? Man up and call it quits already.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 16:51:27

'Normal' people might ask themselves why they're having so many arguments and they might try and figure that out with the person they're arguing with.

Your bloke isn't doing that, in fact he's telling you you're not allowed to figure it out with him because he's avoiding the issue.

Go to baggage reclaim and you'll see yourself there, I suspect. I agree with the other posters who suggest you stop trying to analyse him and look at yourself. It's beginning to sound like both of you are commitment shy otherwise I reckon you'd have binned him off as soon as the first red flag hit you in the face.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 16:54:12

OP I'd bet my months salary that I'm right about him.

Because you have described exactly that kind of bloke in your post.

TheRealFellatio Sun 19-May-13 16:56:11

I don't think he's that into you. He's either a cynical player who loves the thrill of the chase and says what he thinks you want to hear because he loves the idea of a woman being besotted with him, just so he can dangle you on a string in a bit of power play or:

He's a self-absorbed drama llama who needs to grow up and stop acting like he's a cast member in Gone With The Wind.

You've been an item for less than a month. hmm

Lizzabadger Sun 19-May-13 17:00:36

Just get rid.

Yonihadtoask Sun 19-May-13 17:04:35

Don't waste one more minute on this guy.

He has issues, but it isn't your problem to sort him out.

Dump him now.

There are decent men out there who want to have a normal relationship.

Took me a while to wade through the nobbers, but I did find one in the end.

You are worth more.

OP, I mean this quite seriously.

He's a headfuck. However nice he is & great it may be at times. You have 3 DCs to manage & need that like a hole in the head.

I'd been an lp for a long time before I met DP & would've rather been single (and was, most of the time) than have to deal that on top of everything else!

Hope you're ok. It sounds very intense, which I bet makes it harder for you to stand back & take a good hard look at the situation and him.

And as you know, words amount to nothing if he can't follow through with his actions...

(And it's unreasonable at best that he's expecting you not to air your grievances with him until you next see him).

Betternc4this Sun 19-May-13 17:07:53

OP try this old saying:

Ta-ra

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 17:10:28

Thanks...no I wont be bothering with relationships anymore - I told him when I first met him that I'm not a relationship sort of person; I'm quite insular and my children are my family, I don't need anyone else.

I've been single (and genuinely happy with it) for the best part of 4 years, gave this guy a chance as there seemed to be a spark straight off the bat and we seemed to 'fit' together - our beliefs, interests, etc.

Its just the fact he said last night that if we just cool it off a bit, give ourselves some time to miss each other (text but nothing more) for a few days to a week, then meet up the weekend after next and go out for a drink (something we haven't done yet, so it's been very intense as we only meet up in my house at night!) then we will get to know each other properly and hopefully the arguing will stop.

That's how he worded it, and it sort of made sense to me, that's all.

(That was the nice, mature version. I'd personally feel like telling him I was sick of hiding for him & the fact that he's happy to leave things on a shit note whilst he gets his shit together & enjoys me hanging around for him. NOT. A. CHANCE )

Cheeky git... hmm

There are nice blokes out there!!

But this guy is not right in the head for you.

Hope you have a nice few weeks not having to pretend you're hunky dory with everything wink wine

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 17:12:38

TheOrchardKeeper well, he didn't actually say that...he didn't say a lot to be honest, just that we need some space from the arguing and then I'd said we couldn't see each other for 2 weeks as he's away next weekend, he didn't say anything to that so I assumed he was agreeing, and then he said he wanted just nice, random "how are you" type texts so I figured that meant I wasn't meant to talk to him about us.

Lots of assumptions going on... sad

TheRealFellatio Sun 19-May-13 17:14:21

Oh. Other threads....

Was this the one where you messaged one another on FB for ages, or played online scrabble or something, but there was some issue with other people/family that meant you were destined to be star crossed lovers, or something? And you'd arranged to go out to the cinema with him but it turned out there were family members there as well? Or am I getting muddled up with someone else?

Either way - he's wasting your time and he will never commit to you. It's as clear as the nose on your face. Give it up. Move on. Stop indulging in this daft fantasy. If you allow this to continue I can tell you exactly what will happen. He will keep you dangling (possibly for years) while he 'gets his head together' or whatever it is he says needs to do, but he'll keep coming back at regular intervals, sleeping with you, confessing undying love etc, just to make sure you are still waiting for him.

Then one day he'll tell you he's terribly sorry but you'll he's met the love of his life and he won't be visiting for his therapeutic shags any more.

It sounds like he's skirting the issue that's bothering you though. Your point of view on it is very understandable and his seems much less so, which is why it seems very unreasonable of him to be annoyed at you.

That's how it all seems from what you've posted anyway. Sorry if I got that wrong?

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 17:15:08

OP I want to add this:

Why do YOU want to entertain a bloke who at the very least blows hot and cold?

Why do YOU tell him you love him after only a few days?

What do YOU get from a relationship where at least 50% of your most important 'conversations' are conducted via texts (the laziest form of communication there is).

What do YOU want? A series of disjointed, intensely confusing and frustrating encounters with a man child or a serious and lasting relationship with someone who may not give you that 'thrill' of not knowing what's going to happen next, but who will want a commitment from you?

I wouldn't even bother with those messages, OP. Use the two weeks as your chance to go 'cold turkey'- get him out of your system.

(Skirting by not seeing you much...and it almost sounds like he's withdrawing to get you to not bring it up/feel like you can't bring it up. May be way too cynical for my own good but it sounds that way).

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 17:18:01

Ah, x posted. So you're probably well matched then. Good luck with that.

Betternc4this Sun 19-May-13 17:19:04

So he is telling you what to say in texts to him basically.

Why doesn't he just text himself then the sad bastard - sorted!

Ledkr Spain Sun 19-May-13 17:21:10

Run for the hills!!!

Xales Sun 19-May-13 17:21:42

Have you been for a date with this bloke at all or does he just come to your house, shag you and leave in the morning?

VelvetSpoon Sun 19-May-13 17:22:23

I think tbh you both sound as bad as one another - I am in 2 minds about the whole dating someone from your DC's school in the first place, but wanting to introduce them after a week is complete madness! I know you say he was the one saying all the lovey-dovey stuff right from the get-go, but you seem to have been pushing it along too, wanting him to tell his family, to go public. Honestly what happened to just dating someone for a couple of months and THEN taking a step forward into a relationship? Why the desperation to move things on so quickly?

I suggest you call it a day, and you spend a bit of time on your own, do some work on why you couldn't see all the red flags flapping around this guy (honestly, if someone told me they loved me after a week I would laugh in their face, it's ludicrous!) so that when the next guy comes along you are in a better place to let things run a normal course, rather than this 0-100 in a week stuff...

Bluestocking Sun 19-May-13 17:26:38

So he works at the school where his sister is the headteacher, - and he has had a relationship with at least one member of staff, and is now starting on the parents of the pupils at the school? He sounds like an absolute fool, completely oblivious to any considerations of professionalism, quite apart from the pathetic way he's treating you. Requiring you to send positive texts until he feels like seeing you again? Run for the hills, OP.

Ragwort Sun 19-May-13 17:28:31

You have three children and you still have the time and energy to deal with this sort of garbage - just get rid of him. You sound like a breathless teenager with her first crush on someone and wanting to analyse his every word & action rather than a mature adult.

Why are you wasting your time on all of this confused?

Ragwort Sun 19-May-13 17:31:47

it's been very intense as we only meet up in my house at night! - so, he just wants to meet for sex .................. nice, and others have said, totally unprofessional if he works with your children. If you want a FWB (nothing wrong with that if you are both happy with the arrangement) - but just don't make it someone from your children's school. hmm

Was he planning to move abroad or something?

Oh. I see he was.

You're being a fool. Open your eyes and grow a backbone and kick this losing lying scrote to the kerb.

And then try to get some counselling so you don't fall for the next scrote who comes along.

And in the name of the wee man. Don't introduce any man to your kids after a week.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 18:20:41

Oh god so many posts I need to reply to...

Ok the thing with introducing him to the kids, that was just because they know him anyway, he's the caretaker as well as a ta so he's always in their classes fixing stuff or whatever, serving snacks at break time etc - not like he was a complete stranger; that's how I justified it to myself (wrongly) at the time.

We've slept together 2-3 times, the majority of times he's stayed over (over 20 times now) we haven't had sex but we have shared the bed. I did a one point offer FWB, he said he couldn't do that as he needs an emotional connection to have sex. Apparently.

Velvetspoon - I didn't want him to go an announce it to everyone, but if he met anyone else who wasn't 'from the school' then they could go out together on a date, around town (we live in a small town where you always see someone you know when out!) without worrying if it got back to people at the school.

He kept saying with me that if we went out round town together, then he might see a parent that would then talk to their friends that they saw him with a parent/woman - not sure which he meant - and then gossip with their friends, that would then somehow get back to the staff.

I understand there is playground gossip, but I doubt anyone sees who he is out with as anything noteworthy.

It seemed like he tried making small steps - he added me to facebook as I said (a lot of the teaching staff are 'friends' with him on there too), he 'met' the kids (I now realise that was a mistake, but didn't think so at the time) even though technically there was the risk one of them might have seen him at school and said "you were kissing mummy!" or something...so that seemed a big thing tome that he did that and risked it, and then we had just started going out on 'dates' - like the walk/picnic that ended up lasting most of the day.

I admit I've been arguing when I haven't needed to, because of my own insecurities about what he wanted and all that.

However...I just text him saying we need to talk asap about our issues and work out the best course of action, in a mature way.

His reply?

"my problem is I don't know if I can 'live with you' but equally 'live without you', I prefer to text as that way we can both think about what we say, before we say it"

I then said we need to talk in person as only teenagers handle relationship issues through text message and that we need to meet halfway on this, otherwise I will assume he's just trying to mess me around. He replied "I'm not trying to mess either of us around but I'm not ready to talk directly yet, sorry".

sad

Ragwort Sun 19-May-13 18:24:54

Seriously confused - just drop him, stop following him around like a lovesick teenager. What exactly are you getting out of all this? Do you enjoy the drama?

Just get rid of him, stop texting him and find yourself a hobby grin. I am still intrigued that you can spend all this time and effort on a 'relationship' (if you can call it that) when you've got three children.

Oh for dears sake.

Tell him to get to fuck. Do you really need this head wreck?

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 18:27:50

OK so he can't act like a mature adult with you. He needs to plan what he's going to say to you in case he accidentally slips up and says something that you later call him on.

So he's effectively handing all the responsibility for the state of this 'relationship' to you.

What a catch. You don't need this, do you? Really?

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 18:31:14

You told me to go to baggage reclaim...I did, and on the first page is this:

"It is normal to need some space whether it’s emotional, physical, spiritual or all of them. It is your right.

It’s normal to need some space after a big discussion or argument. You don’t have to make up or have a conclusion and resolution right now this minute. It’s not about dragging it out but you’re probably not going to feel better or make sense of something if you’re being hurried to forget about it or agree to the other person’s perspective.

It’s normal to need some space while grieving.

It’s normal to need some space while trying to come to terms with a trauma, a big change or a big revelation."

...and this isn't me ignoring advice but I'm genuinely confused - isn't the above, what he's trying to do?

Get a bit of space and perspective on things? Ok handling it badly but I have had this habit after every argument of badgering him to come over the next night, he kept saying he needed a break/space and I kept on and on until he eventually agreed to come over, as I thought that was the best way to 'fix things' quickly, then obvs when he got here he's been emotionally drained/pissed off and we've argued again.

And that's not making excuses for him, it's just fact.

So maybe giving him a break for this week MIGHT help a bit?

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 18:31:19

I also don't think you're being entirely honest with yourself.

You said you don't want a relationship. if that were true I don't think you'd be expending all this energy on trying to work him and 'it' out tbh.

I also think that if a nice, ordinary, honest bloke came along and wanted a nice ordinary and honest relationship with you, you'd find all sorts of excuses (including I'm not looking for a relationship) to bin him off.

i think you need more time on your own to discover who you are and what you want.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 18:34:17

But almost in the same breath he tells you two completely opposing things - he doesn't know he wants to be with you but he can't see his life without you.

Thats not taking time out or space from an argument. It's keeping the other on a string, waiting for the next morsel.

nkf Sun 19-May-13 18:34:39

You cannot seriously be thinking about giving this one month and six months chap any more time can you? I felt exhausted reading your post. He said this and then he said this and then he ....

Positive texts? What is that?

He's playing you like a violin.

nkf Sun 19-May-13 18:36:05

Actually, I've read a bit more. Doesn't want to take you out. I bet he's seeing someone else.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 18:36:51

AND he wants to you 'forget' the arguments. Effectively shutting you up all together. Now, maybe he feels overwhelmed by you needing to work things out and if that's the case then I refer back to my last post - you are not being honest about what you want with him, which isn't what he wants, is it?

Chubfuddler Sun 19-May-13 18:37:32

You're not really listening are you op? You're both as bad as each other. Loads of breathless crap when you should just be having fun together - and I don't mean shagging his brains out, I mean actually enjoying being in one another's company.

I dumped boyfriends for behaviour along these lines when I was a teenager.

You don't want to be in a relationship. You want yo be in a movie relationship. Grow up.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 18:40:32

nkf I think he just meant chatty stuff and nothing too 'heavy' sad

akaWisey thing is, if he asked me what I wanted, I'd say the exact same thing.

At the moment, I genuinely feel like the way things are is doing my head in, making me feel like crap, I felt shaky and really weird earlier (but my kids were at my mum's overnight so was missing them loads)...BUT the thought of not having him in my life feels wrong too.

I do see your point in a way though, but really we're only 'seeing' each other, not in a committed relationship, so can he really say "I want to be with you but just need to calm down a bit"? Because this is meant to be the honeymoon period where we're trying to impress each other!

Maybe we should have started just meeting up once a week and dating?

He did also say last night that finishing with me feels like when he finished with his ex wife, I asked what he meant by that and he said that he'd been with her for nearly 30 years yes, he's 58, I'm not a teenager!). He also said that when his last partner (the Aussie one) finished things, he felt and overwhelming sense of relief, but with me he doesn't feel that. Maybe that's because I'm not ending it for him, I don't know.

Walk away from this.

I bet the biggest problem his sister has is that he keeps shagging about with either her staff or the mums at school! He is highly unprofessional, and keeps shitting on her doorstep. It is not you, it is him.

Oh he's the man who spun the crap about moving to Oz. I thought he was a bullshitter then and I still think he's a bullshitter.

But you are choosing not to see it.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 18:42:37

Now, maybe he feels overwhelmed by you needing to work things out and if that's the case then I refer back to my last post - you are not being honest about what you want with him, which isn't what he wants, is it?

I don't understand what you mean by this (sorry...brain's frazzled from all this crap today). Do you mean I want more than he does - as in I want a relationship and he doesn't, or I'm not being open and honest with him about what I want, and he wants/needs me to be honest?

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 18:43:20

Quin - no, it's an issue she has with me...trust me on that one sad

Floggingmolly Sun 19-May-13 18:44:01

You're as bad as each other, IMO. You asked him to come round, then refused to get out of bed to let him in? hmm. You both sound around twelve...
Your poor kids, stuck in the middle of this nonsense sad

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 18:44:08

Well you're as slippery as a bar of soap OP.

Now you're only 'seeing each other'. And you'd tell him you want the exact same thing. I'm not sure what that exact same thing would be tbh and nor, I suspect, do you.

Well in that case, you should most definitely step away. This relationship, and him, seems like too much hard work!

Chubfuddler Sun 19-May-13 18:44:51

Honestly all the energy you're expending on this is completely fruitless.

You are continuing this why?

You must love the drama and intrigue and shit. I could not be arsed.

Ragwort Sun 19-May-13 18:46:59

He's 58 and he is behaving like this shock ?

I am in my 50s and the men of the same age that I know who behave like this have lots of different women hanging around - my guess is that he had a relationship with someone for 30 years, he is now single and enjoying shagging around the breathless interest from women who should know a lot better. One of my DH's friends became exactly like this when he divorced his wife - he would be phoning three or four women in succession (in front of us - no shame) - arranging 'dates'.

His sister must be mortified by his behaviour.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 18:49:08

You describe yourself as effectively badgering him after an argument. If that's the case and he needs to just get away from you then I can understand why he wants to lighten things up (although I stand by my earlier point about texting as the predominant mode of communication).

However, if you ARE chasing after him after these arguments (which all seem to stem from the question "what are we doing'?) then I think you are being disingenuous about not wanting a relationship in order to fit in with him (and he couldn't be clearer in my view that he does not want a relationship).

scaevola Sun 19-May-13 18:50:35

Read more than the first page of Baggage Reclaim.

And consider downloading her book.

Given what you've said about your game-playing, you are just as emotionally unavailable as he is. I do not see how you two can possibly have an adequate relationship. You might manage to keep seeing each other. But is he really the best you can do?

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 18:51:20

I don't think he's seeing other women, I think he's interested in someone else...that's my gut instinct.

BUT I just wonder whether because of all the crap I've been chucking as well (and that's not excusing his behaviour or trying to blame myself, honest it isn't!), he's just trying to work out whether he cares enough to continue. I'm also wondering whether he's 'worth' risking causing even more tension in school - he says if we're together properly then no one can say anything I'm not so sure.

I just don't know whether to give him a week with no contact (or maybe the odd "hi" type text) and then ask at the end of the week if he's made a decision once and for all or is ready to talk - then if he still is undecided or says I'm pressuring him, well then I know for myself 100% don't I.

And you'll be back on here in a month posting the same stuff again.

Sigh.

Don't you think that you're worth more than this?

You are not listening at all are you?

Walk away....

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 18:53:54

akaWisey - you could be right, there have been times when I've said that I don't want a relationship, we can't work for all these different reasons, we're better off keeping things casual and just basically FWB, and he's either walked out the door saying he can't do that, or he's agreed to it, come upstairs and then not gone near me all night then in the morning said he's not going to be FWB.

So either he does want a relationship, OR he's saying all that cos it sounds good and it's reverse psychology.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 18:56:24

I agree with scaevola read more in the baggage reclaim site.

You are making less and less sense. How can you honestly ask yourself whether you should go no contact for a week and then see if he wants you when your gut instinct is that he's interested in someone else???

How the fuck does that make sense to you?

Bin him, bin him, bin him. Don't wait, don't think, don't question any more.

Viviennemary Sun 19-May-13 18:58:36

It makes sense in that this relationship is gong to be more and more and more trouble. I think get out now and save yourself the angst. Because that's what it's going to be. All the signs are there in place.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 18:59:27

I am listening...but I'm doubting your opinion that's all.

I'm just thinking...I know what I've been like, and I know what he's been like. I've tried to keep this short and sweet which is why I've been drip feeding, should have posted it all in one go really.

IMO, he's acting like an arse at the moment - I phoned him earlier after he said he didn't want to talk in person, and he didn't answer - or text back.

However, I know at times, I've wanted to hurt him just for the sake of it (I know...I have issues). I've got him to come round, fallen asleep and woken just as he got here as I said, then not answered the door - but text him as he was driving off to come back, and he did.

There was a time he got all the way home and I spent an hour on the phone to him, telling him that he was meant to be in my bed that night and if he didn't get over here, we were finished for good. Eventually he came over, it was midnight by then.
I then told him it was over anyway sad

Everytime he's stayed over and we've argued, he leaves in the morning and by 7am I'm texting asking him to come over that night to fix it - even if he/we hadn't had any sleep the previous night...usually he comes over, the odd time he's stuck by it and not come over, I've been texting and phoning him saying he doesn't care about me etc.

I have these psycho/clingy tendencies and I'm just thinking that maybe...maybe it all got a bit too much and he's just trying to see if I can calm it down and act 'normal' (for want of a better word) before he commits to seeing me again.

feelingdizzy Sun 19-May-13 19:00:09

I have been in this ridiculous so called relationships. Not any more.Please stop.
Reasons
1.He is just not that into you.
2.He is caring for himself without regard for you.
3. He is using your insecurity to keep you hanging on.
4.Love is shown in actions not words
5.You are saying to him its o.k you can treat me a bit badly and not only will I accept it I will give you time to consider your next move.
6. He is a twat.
7.You have 3 kids who need your energy-take care of their mother.

EternalRose Sun 19-May-13 19:00:59

This man has red flags waving all round him. Seriously.

I don't understand why you think he sounds normal? confused

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 19:01:40

I am still reading baggage reclaim.

I'm willing to work on my issues, in fact I have been - he asked me to show him a bit more affection when he's here (instead of sitting the opposite end of the sofa), I did.

But this jack Russell-like behaviour I haven't worked on - so I was just thinking maybe this week is the time to do it?

I'm never good when people say they want space, because I tend to think that they should 'love' me regardless and that the only way they will know if they still care about me, is to spend time with me.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 19:04:45

And also...he suggested just going back to dating, and in his text he put that means not staying over.

Would that not be a good idea?

unapologetic Sun 19-May-13 19:13:22

Why on earth would you let the school caretaker stay over at your house every night in the first week you got together? Sorry, that is seriously weird. Not to mention your poor children - where are they when he keeps calling around/you keep sending him away/you are both arguing/calling/texting? I have never heard anything like it.

Viviennemary Sun 19-May-13 19:15:21

No I don't think any of it would be a good idea. I think you should both stay away from each other till you can behave in a sensible and mature and caring way towards each other. If not it will be a disaster for you both.

BreasticlesNTesticles Sun 19-May-13 19:20:16

You have been together for one month

Going back to dating?!!! You haven't been doing anything but dating. And what's he point in him stopping over of there's no action? From that point of view it doesn't matter one way or the other.

How can you not imagine not having him in your life after one month? That's crazy talk.

It's hard work, you're hard work, he's hard work. I would put money on this going on and off for months.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 19-May-13 19:21:09

Christ on a bike how long have you been posting about this dreary angst ridden non relationship?

You have been told repeatedly here and on other forums to get a grip.

I actually think you sound as bad as each other. A right pair of Drama Queens. FFS stop making well meaning posters take the time to advise you on this. You don't want advice you just want to obsessively and endlessly discuss this doughnut of a man and to continue wallowing in this unhealthy mess.

I never say this but I feel so sorry for your dc having to witness their mother behaving like a lovesick 14 year old with anyone remotely male who glances in her direction AT THEIR SCHOOL!

mantlepiece Sun 19-May-13 19:23:17

Confused, my feeling is that even if he was the most wonderful man in the world, this relationship will not work because you are still traumatised by your previous abusive relationship.

You really need to make a decision to not get into relationships until you understand and deal with your own emotional well being.

Apart from the fact you yourself are subconsciously sabotaging the relationship because of trust and self esteem issues, you are also subconsciously attracting and being attracted to abusive men.

Really, no matter who said what or who did what... you really need to consider some therapy..maybe the freedom programme. Contact WA and they will be able to point you towards a way forward.

This man is not the way forward, but as I say no man is at the moment. Get yourself sorted out and then you will start to make healthy choices and also behave in a healthy way yourself. Good luck.

Ragwort Sun 19-May-13 19:24:44

I am now feeling that you are enjoying the 'drama' of us all responding to you - I have no longer got the time and energy for this thread.

You are clearly relishing in all this attention.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 19:24:48

<bangs head against wall in exasperation>

So...you just told him almost outright that you don't want to just talk by text.

And he has basically said no, this is what is happening. Like it or lump it.

Honestly, I suspect he knows you'll stick around. Sorry to sound harsh but that is certainly how it reads.

Lavenderhoney Sun 19-May-13 19:25:49

Run! All this angst and misery. You're better off on your own with a bottle of wine and mamma mia.

Sorry, but at least you have found out after 4 weeks instead of 4 months or years. Arrange to go out with a mate at the weekend and find someone else. Or have a laugh anyway.

Your behaviour sounds as bad as his tbh. I'm surprised you both lasted a month.

Do you think he's sitting at home analysing every text you ever sent and every word you ever said as much as you are? Or do you think he's rolling his eyes every time you text him and wishing you'd do as he asked and just fuck off and leave him alone for a few weeks.

I think in a way he is right and a few weeks break would do you both some good, although i wouldn't contact him at all in that time.

Use the time to have a good think about why exactly it is that you seem to thrive on the drama of a relationship in which you both treat each other like shit and why you persist in ignoring the good advice you've been given on here now, and even before this joke of a relationship began, on your previous threads.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 19:26:17

You know what, OP?

There's a rather superficial chick flick on the tele. I'm off to watch that .

Good luck.

Also, are you sure your self esteem has recovered from your previous relationship?

Without wanting to sound all 'pop-psychology' , a lot of women would not take that kind of treatment/would see it as toxic/head fuck/immature/melodramatic/selfish behaviour.

This has been going how long? How long has he been stringing you along?

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 19-May-13 19:27:56

Is this not the man who used to run away when he saw you coming at your dc's school?

nkf Sun 19-May-13 19:29:27

You sound like a psycho too.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 19:30:33

No, that was my child's teacher - and that got sorted out.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 19-May-13 19:32:54

Right, so this is another male member of staff from your dc's school?

Out of interest how was the sprinting class teacher "sorted out"?

GetOrfMoiLand Sun 19-May-13 19:36:06

You both sound absolutely perfectly matched.

I think you should propose to him now, by text. Urgently and breathlessly.

nkf Sun 19-May-13 19:37:09

Hang on a minute. Are you the woman who used to be in a non relationship with a man who had an on/off relationship with a woman in Australia? Or America?

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 19:37:41

good grief it's painful reading your excuses * coughs* I mean your replies.

If you really want to see what he wants and really means do yourself a favour and download Mr unavailable and the fallback girl. It will be the best few quid you've spent and will answer all these questions you keep asking.

Do it now OP and don't contact him (not even a 'hi' text) until you have read it all.

Surely that's not going to be too hard for you is it?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 19:38:16

Oh for the love of God, please just drop this tit like a steaming turd.

I actually can't believe I've wasted 20 minutes of my life reading his drivel.

I would tell him that yes, yes, you do need a break and you'll definitely text. Then don't ever contact him again and change your number. If he approaches you, threaten to speak to hs is sister/head teacher. If he is a teaching assistant, it is entirely inappropriate what he is doing. Leave him to cool in the skin he got hot in and do not enter in to any discussions with him unless you want to waste years of your life listening to this cretin bore on about his inadequacies.

I really worried about your boundaries though. It wouldn't be appropriate to introduce your children to any man, let alone him, in a week. Also, why were. You saying that one of your children might say that they saw his kissing mummy?! confused. It's also totally inappropriate that he was prancing downstairs to join you all for coffee

You say that you don't want a relationship but you give the clear impression (including to tossers like this) that you do and under almost any circumstances

DaemonPantalaemon Sun 19-May-13 19:38:16

Come on people. This person is an emotional leech. She gets off on the drama of her one-month long relationship with the 58 year-old school-caretaker slash teaching assistant whom she brings over to shag in the house where her children live, children who, by the way, go to the school this waste of space works at. And hell YES, I am judging.

That is not enough drama for OP, she then has to come on here and make you all participate in this stupid inanity.

Leave her be, she is not interested in seeing sense.

Either that or her emotional age is 12.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 19:39:47

I'm just saying. If he wants space, then it could be because of this terrier-like attitude I've had recently. It all got too much.

Not totally blaming myself, but taking half of the 'blame'.

If I back off, give him time to possibly miss me/think about things and then in a couple of weeks he is ready to discuss what 'went wrong' in an adult way and acknowledge his part in it, then maybe there is a chance.

If on the other hand, he reacts like my ex used to and just expects to carry on 'as we were' without 'bringing up the past' then maybe you're all right.

Still reading baggage reclaim btw and recognising more signs in me than him, to be honest sad

GetOrfMoiLand Sun 19-May-13 19:40:27

Oh god I want to know more about the teacher who ran away whenever he saw you.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 19:42:24

whom she brings over to shag in the house where her children live, children who, by the way, go to the school this waste of space works at.

What else was I meant to do?

And I don't see why it's so bad that he works in the school? He's not directly responsible for my children and even if he were, we're both adults.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 19:43:21

other forums?!! Other forums??!!

I can guarantee you, unless you're on weirdonet, no one is going to respond to you positively re this. However many times you post

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 19:44:04

GetOrfMoiLand - turns out he thought I was "being too negative" by asking him to actually send letters out when homework hadn't been set, because my potentionally SN child couldn't pass on those messages to me, so I thought he'd just forgotten to bring his homework folder home.

Was about the extent of it.

BreasticlesNTesticles Sun 19-May-13 19:45:33

But by giving him a couple of weeks you are giving him half of your relationship time wise.

Why would you do that?

It has only been one month

Has it really only been a month?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 19:47:57

* - turns out he thought I was "being too negative" by asking him to actually send letters out when homework hadn't been set, because my potentionally SN child couldn't pass on those messages to me, so I thought he'd just forgotten to bring his homework folder home.*

You said he had nothing to do with your children so why would he be sending out any letters regarding your child hmm

I seriously hope this thread is a pisstake

DaemonPantalaemon Sun 19-May-13 19:48:30

What else was I meant to do?

Erm, how about NOT have sex within one week of meeting someone who works at your child's school, whose sister is the head and does NOT like you?

You know what, I am going to stop wasting my time with you.

HamsterDam Sun 19-May-13 19:48:41

if things are going wrong in the first month for whatever reason you two are not well matched. just walk away stop wondering about the why's and what nots.
how many arguments have you had in the last month???

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 19:50:15

How old are you?

DontmindifIdo Sun 19-May-13 19:50:23

oh my god, this is draining to read, it must be sooo exhausting to deal with this much drama in real life.

You've been dating for one month. A month, that's it, sod this level of drama after only a month!

Stay with him only if you love am dram every five minutes, I would put money on him being like this every other week. He told you he loves you after only a week? Big sign of a drama llama.

If you don't like dramatics, angst, always being in the state of high stress and/or having make up sex, never really knowing where you are up too, then walk away and tell him to come back when he's stopped being an oversized teenager.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 19:50:48

We hadn't had sex at that point.

whoever asked - no that was my child's teacher who left the school recently.

This guy has no involvement with my children, aside from in his role as caretaker.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 19-May-13 19:51:33

I only hope that OFSTED have awareness of the shambles that is your dc's school and its staggeringly unprofessional staff roster.

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 19:52:27

How's it going to be when you see him at school?

Will you be able to walk away without talking to him and do any of your friends know about your relationship?

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 19:53:21

You see, he said one of his exes was the type to create arguments just to have 'make up sex', he said that when he ended it, she tried that and then he sat on the floor by her bed all night, went home the next morning and didn't see her again.

If he was just after sex from me, why didn't he go anywhere near me last night? He came over after I'd said I missed the kids and felt near-suicidal, he said he would come but only sleeping on the sofa and when he turned up, stuck to his word - he slept on the sofa...or tried to. I kept talking, he wouldn't let me touch him, cuddle him or anything, then he left saying he needed space.

GetOrfMoiLand Sun 19-May-13 19:54:19

But your kids do know him as you have said from odd jobs in their classes.

So he has gone from a caretaker who changes the light bulbs in their class to a man who stays over at their house within a pretty short period of time. I must be pretty unsettling for them, can you not see that?

I don't know why I am bothering with a sensible response, tbh.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 19:54:43

forumdonkey

well I've seen him in school (in passing) while all this has been going on and we've said hello but that's it, I'm only in school one day a week for an hour with the toddler group, if he has any sense he will stay away during the group so it should be fine.

HamsterDam Sun 19-May-13 19:54:55

its all excuses. unless you like arguing and drama what are either of you getting out of this 'relationship'.
how many arguments have you had in the last month??

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 19:55:18

How old are you OP?

GetOrfMoiLand Sun 19-May-13 19:55:45

<laughs> why the bloody hell did he sit on the floor by her bed all night like that like a devoted Labrador?

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 19:56:06

Oh for goodness sake.

Stop this. Go and spend some time with your child.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 19:56:15

GetOrf Yes I totally see your point. He runs the tuck shop at breaktime and so they've seen him in school since he came downstairs in the morning, and they've acted the same way they always do.

They haven't asked me when he'll be round again or even mentioned him at all, and it's been 2 weeks or so since that happened.

GetOrfMoiLand Sun 19-May-13 19:56:39

I am afraid I cannot takte this seriously.

Can't you see how utterly ridiculous all this is?

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 19:57:08

Children are in bed. It's 8pm on a Sunday night.

Getorf (again) he said it was too late and too far to go home, he was tired. I don't know, I don't know where she lives.

HamsterDam Sun 19-May-13 19:57:50

how many arguments have you had in the last month??
did you tell him you were suicidal?? you sound unhinged i feel kind of sorry for your kids

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 19:57:58

Yes I can see that...but I'm just thinking that as I've acted like a prize prick, maybe that is the cause of all this and after a bit of space, if he's willing to talk things through and try and change the past then maybe we have a chance.

If not, then we don't and he was stringing me along.

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 19:58:18

I did wonder if it was a troll but you couldn't make this upgrin grin

GetOrfMoiLand Sun 19-May-13 19:59:20

But why sit on the floor? By the bed? And why TELL you such things?

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 19-May-13 20:00:25

"he runs the tuck shop"

<<sniggers>>

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:00:30

Not a troll.

This guy is NOT like my ex.

He's dealing with things badly, but he makes an effort to be reliable, stick to the things he says, compliments me all the time...so I'm just reluctant to give that up and 'blame' him when his actions could be partly down to the way I've been acting.

I just wanted to give him/us a chance to fix things after having a break and then start dating, as we should have from the start.

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 20:00:34

3rd time lucky - how old are you OP?

HamsterDam Sun 19-May-13 20:00:56

to be honest i can see why he wants space and time away from you. i would want miles and forever.
not normal at all.
how many arguments have you had in the last month? did you tell him you were suicidal??

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:01:26

GetOrf it was during an argument, he'd said that if I'm the type to argue for the sake of trying to make up afterwards, he can't handle that. He then went on to say he'd been with someone like that before...and that's why he explained it all.

Leaving aside everything else. How can you possibly think this is a healthy relationship to model for your children?

Takingbackmonday Sun 19-May-13 20:02:11

Genuinely,

LTB

HamsterDam Sun 19-May-13 20:03:16

we might get an answer soon forum. same number for age and number of arguments i reckon

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 20:03:35

There's really nothing on the TV tonight so this is a good diversion. Keep it coming OP..........

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 20:04:06

I would want miles and forever grin hamster

I want to run to the shop and buy wine and it's not even my relationship!

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:04:26

Argued everytime he's come over (apart from once) mostly started by me saying I know he just wants sex (trying to get him to admit or deny), I didn't say I was suicidal but I said I was feeling very emotional, it was an emergency and I couldn't be alone that night.

That was after he said he was tired after not having sleep for 36 hours, couldn't deal with anymore arguing and that if he came over, he'd have to finish it as he'd have felt forced into coming over when he felt unable to. Then I said all the stuff I mentioned above and he agreed to come "as a friend".

forumdonkey I'm 38. But yes, naïve, immature and all that.

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 20:04:32

How can you say he's reliable when in your OP you said you spent half your relationship (2 weeks) planning a night out and bought air beds only for him to let you down? ??

Catmint Sun 19-May-13 20:04:52

It is totally unacceptable for him to attempt to make you feel responsible for ' fixing' him, with all this 'I'm broken,' crap.

Either it is a line to manipulate you. Or he really thinks he is broken in which case he is responsible for seeking proper help. Being in a relationship is NEVER. Enough to make a sick person well.

I am so cross!

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:05:03

I don't know what LTB means.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 20:06:01

I'm watching The Wedding Date and this thread. It's quite good.

HE's been stringing you along a lot more than a month. You were in a weirdly dysfunctional relationship before, I remember your posts.

It means Leave The Bastard.

HamsterDam Sun 19-May-13 20:10:04

you argue everytime he comes over. why are you bothering really? 1month in its supposed to be fun. ltb means leave the bastard. you should. just don't contact him sounds like you need more work on your self esteem and boundaries

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 20:11:06

I know age gaps shouldn't come into it but he's 20 yrs your senior. He must be hung like a donkey or have the tongue of a thirsty alsation shock shock

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 20:12:49

Did you post your old threads under your current name, OP? I really want to read the one about the teacher running away from you.

GetOrfMoiLand Sun 19-May-13 20:12:54

I think you are best away from each other tbh. You seem to annoy each other a lot, then you are very demanding emotionally of each other, then you argue.

It is a waste of your time, a waste of his time and a crap relationship model for your kids.

Life is too short for this kind of crap. It sounds like the kind of relationship Billy Mitchell from Eastenders would have.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 20:15:19

<pondering Haagen Das>

I have no ice cream. I have eaten every piece of junk in this house today. I've an awful report I should be doing.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:17:51

forumdonkey yes, and that's what caused the argument.

This is how it went:

Thursday night he came round as usual, during the night I'd said we couldn't carry on and it was over, then obvs there was tension the following morning.

Friday morning he left at 5.30am for work, I texted him at 7.30 saying he needed to come over that night (when he doesn't finish martial arts until 10pm and he was at work again for 11am Saturday) to see me, or we wouldn't be able to go out on Saturday.
A lot of texts were exchanged with him saying he didn't want another argument and we should leave it until Saturday, so we could go out, he wouldn't stay over and it'd be more like a proper date. In the end, I promised it was the right thing to do and I wouldn't argue, be negative or anything like that, he agreed to come over.

At 7.30pm I text him saying if he was too tired after training at 10pm he didn't have to come over and it'd be ok, he replied with "don't do this!! what do you want me to do?? sad" and I said I did want to see him, had just been giving him the option.

At 10pm he turned up, half an hour later he asked if we were going to bed or he should go home, I told him I didn't mind either way so he said in that case he would go as he was tired, I then got annoyed and said I'd wanted him to stay, and he replied that he was confused and I had to start saying what I actually meant and showing some interest if I WAS interested.

We got on that night, argument forgotten, but only ended up with about 4 hours sleep in the end.

5pm on Saturday I text asking how he was, he said he was very tired as he hadn't had any sleep during the day due to being busy, I asked if he wanted to stay home that evening and he said he might have to...then I started on saying how annoyed I was as he'd broken a promise, he was apologising and I was saying he had to stick to it...etc. That exchange went on for a good couple of hours, and then I text him a bit later asking him to come over as a friend, as it was an emergency (I used that word because a few nights previously my ex had come round threatening me, but I hadn't told my partner til the next day..and he then said I shouldve told him because if I ever had an 'emergency' where I needed him, he'd drop everything and come over) and couldn't cope being on my own without the kids in the house.
He said he would come over but sleep on the sofa, I said ok and when he turned up, I asked him to share the bed with me...he said he couldn't because it wouldn't feel right with us having split up - because he'd said if I get him to come over that night it would be over, as he didn't feel fit enough to do it.

Then as I said, he ended up leaving because I kept asking him to share the bed, cuddle me etc.

So - despite the fact that whole thing is very toxic, fucked up etc, being totally detached from what you think about me, him and our 'relationship', in that particular incident I described above, who do you think was right and who was wrong?

HamsterDam Sun 19-May-13 20:18:07

forum grin

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 20:18:16

gobbo - me too wink

Any link to the mo farrah of the teaching world ?

Jesus Christ.

Why on earth would you bother with this.

TheSecondComing Sun 19-May-13 20:20:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:20:49

sorry spent too long typing again.

whoever said it; it wasn't a relationship before, though.

We got talking in school, this shit with the teacher was going on, with the teacher complaining to the Head that I was asking too much of him, this guy made an effort to talk to me every time he saw me and admitted from the start he was with the woman from Aus and had been planning to move there.

Yes I invited him to my house and he came over, but nothing happened. It didn't until after she had finished with him (which happened after he told her he was having doubts.

You're behaving like a psycho over a toxic 50 something shagger Jannie?

shock

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:21:40

Can someone please read the long post up there about that silly incident and just answer who was in the wrong on that one? Then I have my answer.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 20:22:02

OP has he met your RL mates?

HamsterDam Sun 19-May-13 20:23:42

you were in the wrong in that scenario.
youre needy. you give him an option then get the arse if he chooses the wrong one.
sounds like you're the controlling one to me

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 19-May-13 20:23:49

YOU are as much of a problem as he is and in that last argument you describe you sound like a complete PITA.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 20:23:51

What does it matter what we think about who was in the wrong on that occasion?

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 20:24:13

OP I've told you what to do and where you'll find all your answers.

Download the book Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl.

It has all your answers I promise

SisterMonicaJoan Sun 19-May-13 20:25:56

I read one of your posts recently on another forum. How many times has he "de-friended" and "re-friended" you on fb now??

All you are looking for are excuses to carry on how you are. You haven't and won't listen to anyone. You really are desperate and I despair what your children are going to learn about relationships the way you act and the rubbish behaviour you accept.

Don't think anyone else has picked up on one of your previous posts that he tried to strangle you?? Yeah, he's so fucking misunderstood. You should have ended this charade then.

hth.

WTF? shock

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 20:27:53

shock

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 20:27:55

OP he tried to strangle you? shock wtf

Any links peeps?

deste Sun 19-May-13 20:27:55

You know what, if he came on here and told us his side of the story, we would tell them your behaviour was a red flag. You both sound about 12, it's not healthy and I think you should do us all a favour and stop posting because you are never going to listen. Concentrate on your children. You sound desperate for any attention.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:27:58

It's also documented on the baggage reclaim website fd and I've spent the last hour reading it.

More points relate to me than him...

aka - because that is how all our arguments/exchanges go. That is what happens eveytime he comes over.

I genuinely think it's me - I'm insecure, emotionally unavailable, needy, controlling...and he's been trying.

So if I can give him the space he needs and in the meantime go the to the GP re possible depression (because I have other signs of that) and also try and work on being less clingy and confrontational, then maybe we might have a chance.

Ashoething Sun 19-May-13 20:28:00

You invite the janitor/ta around-never heard of such a hybrid btw?-within a week of knowing him,have a shag and let your kids see him there in the morning? Wow classy. Have you been on this forum under another name because you remind me of another poster very strongly?

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:28:45

No - my ex tried to strangle me - the father of my children.

Not this guy.

Ashoething Sun 19-May-13 20:29:09

No you have no chance-he is 20 years older than you and he is a janitor at your kids school!!! 10//10 for an entertaining thread though op.

Ashoething Sun 19-May-13 20:29:38

Did you used to be called something else op?

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:29:59

Ashoe we officially got together on the 18th April I think it was. He 'met' the children...10 days ago maybe? Lost track now.

Ponyphysio Sun 19-May-13 20:30:28

Hear hear Ragwort! I'm feckin drained just reading about. They both need a toe up the arse...

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:30:35

Why does his job and age have anything to do with it?

Scrazy Sun 19-May-13 20:31:00

Oh dear, it sounds to me that this guy thought he had met someone he loved, jumped in with both feet only for it to dawn on him that you are a very insecure woman, who isn't ready for anything and he got scared off. He is trying to remove himself from you. Carn't you see this? Please give him all the space he needs.

He's an idiot too for declaring love within a week of seeing you.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:31:02

My point is I'm recognising that if it's me with the problem, I will work on it to try and make things better.

Ashoething Sun 19-May-13 20:31:21

Wow a whole 3 weeks then-I am seriously impressed at your self restraint in introducing a random geezer into your dcs lives...

Ashoething Sun 19-May-13 20:32:10

Did you used to be called something else op?

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 20:32:48

Have your RL mates met him?

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:33:55

Yes, I started the thread about the guy with the Aussie partner - as someone else mentioned a couple of pages back.

I have said I got far too caught up in things - it felt like one of those whirlwind things, like we clicked so well and fitted together completely...all clichéd and silly and then when we started talking about him moving in fairly soon, I realised what an idiot I'd been for going so quickly.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:34:52

No, not yet aka - we've only been out twice, and that was for walks with his dog and a meal out of town.
Yesterday was meant to be the time we went out around town, ut umm...didn't happen.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 20:35:11

I see how this is going.

Now it becomes your problem and you're the 'flaky' one so what you must do is attend to your own issues TO MAKE YOURSELF MORE ACCEPTABLE TO HIM.

No. You are just wrong for each other. In so many ways and on so many levels.

BreasticlesNTesticles Sun 19-May-13 20:35:23

I've actually started feeling sorry for him now confused

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:36:48

But if I was in the wrong on the issue I posted about and every argument we've had has been like that (I'll type out another example if you want!) then how is it not my problem?

I need to work on my issues anyway.

I got back with an ex boyfriend around the same time as you and he got together.

Neither of us have declared undying love, we have no plans to move in together and he hasn't met my kids, much less met them after a shagging session.

We don't argue and bicker all the time. And I wouldn't tolerate the kind of mind games either of you are playing.

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 20:37:08

No download the book and read it ALL don't just take snippets from the website.

I can't believe that you can possibly reading and understanding all on there in between the essays.

BTW I was in an unavailable relationship which worked in the beginning because I chose to be unavailable. I have dedicated the last 5 years being effectively 'single' to give my DC stability and only now at 18 & 16 do o feel we ( but more importantly they) are ready for me to bring a man into our lives

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 20:37:12

I think you're lonely.

Am I right?

Ashoething Sun 19-May-13 20:37:44

Are you a long time user of mn under a different name was what I meant because the ex story is ringing a bell. Get counselling for your low self esteem and stay away from losers-it will do you and your dcs a world of good.

SisterMonicaJoan Sun 19-May-13 20:38:04

Sorry, my misunderstanding re: the strangling.

You, my dear, have more problems than who was right in this one argument. Are you looking for us to all say that your are wrong, so you have another excuse to text him?

Stop prolonging this shitty situation and get a hobby or something.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:39:09

You know on the baggage reclaim website when it talks about amber and red warnings?

All I was thinking of doing was working on these issues over the next week or two, whilst giving him the space he needs and then if he misses me during that time and is willing to go for a drink with me, not stay over, talk through what went wrong and try and work out how not to let it happen again; in other words treat him/this whole thing as an amber warning - assess and watch carefully, keeping eyes and ears open.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 20:39:30

Yes, agree with sister I think the only way OP could justify texting him would be to say she knows it's all her fault.

And the dance begins anew.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:41:20

No I'm not lonely, I work from home, provide for my children, I have three young children that I've brought up on my own for the past 4 years, I go out once a week with my friends, I am just starting a college course.

TheSecondComing Sun 19-May-13 20:42:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 20:42:43

Over the next week or two?

I think that's an example of wishful thinking OP, sorry. I think you'll find that the site would strongly advise you do this without a man on the periphery. It's not something you do to 'fix' a broken relationship.

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 20:43:51

See OP you're not listening or reading anything properly otherwise you wouldn't be looking to make yourself 'better' for him!!

How long have you been single?

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 20:44:27

I don't mean loneliness as not having people. I mean something on a deeper level.

Something like an emptiness and lack of meaning.

Scrazy Sun 19-May-13 20:45:26

It isn't all your fault, he sucked you in by declaring love, talking about moving in far too soon. See I don't agree with everything on the baggage reclaim site but this one is a red flag.

What went wrong was you both jumping in without even knowing each other. No point waiting a couple of weeks to bang on about it again, the scales have fallen from his eyes and you need to take a big step back.

Me might want to get back on track or he might be letting you down gently, as he is probably worried about what he has done and gotten himself into.

IME men do do this, they say they love you straight away. It's to gain power in some cases. We all have heard of things going well this way too but usually both parties are more stable.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:45:58

I'm not going to text him - not this week at least.

I'm just trying to see my own flaws, not blaming myself but I can se the effort he has made in the past to appease me when I've been telling him to come over or its finished, etc.

Another example - the night my ex (children's father) came round to see the kids, put them to bed and then wouldn't leave, once the kids were asleep he got aggressive and pushing me around, I had to call the police to get him removed.

I then texted my partner/whatever I call him, and explained what had happened, he asked if I needed him to come over, there were a few texts and phonecalls exchanged with me umming and aahing and then eventually I asked him to come round, he did but was upstairs seeing to my youngest when he knocked the door, didn't hear the first knock but then he used the letterbox which was quite loud, I got pissed off and stormed downstairs, opened the door and said he could fuck off now.
Then let him in, he was confused as to what was wrong and I explained about the door, he said he hadn't know I was upstairs and apologised...but then I wouldn't let him near me, sat the opposite side of the room but then got arsey again when he went to leave.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:46:15

I don't totally blame him for feeling overwhelmed.

You are far far too invested in this for a relationship of this length.

Fuckwittery Sun 19-May-13 20:47:42

just read thread,
OP, you want us to say that you were in the wrong in your last post so that you can say, ah ha, all my fault, I must change, I should keep this man and be a better person and all will be fine.
You both sound fucking nightmares at game playing, it doesnt matter who was right or wrong in the last scenario as this non relationship is seriously fucked up. you are very needy and need constant reassurance, he is a fuckwit who will never give you security. You are fundamently not suited, stop picking over each incident. However I suspect you are so needy and have so little self respect you will never step away from this man voluntarily and it could drag on hideously for a long long time
<hides thread>

GetOrfMoiLand Sun 19-May-13 20:48:07

I don't know whAt is going on really but it seems that you are now painting yourself as the bad guy in order to get some of use to say that it is your fault, but different from the start of the thread.

I think you do have issues you need to work on but NOT in relation to him.

You remind me of someone who has posted before.

It is all a bit over emotional and all over the place and and just generally strange, so I am going to bow out of this that now,

CVSFootPowder Sun 19-May-13 20:48:16

The Baggage Reclaim site is great, it helped me to get out of a fairly lengthy relationship with an emotionally unavailable 'assclown'.
But I think this situation is well beyond the scope of Baggage Reclaim.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:49:41

fd - I take it you mean single before this guy? Officially, my children's dad moved out in Dec 2011 but we were never really together; he was violent, controlling and lacking empathy and shagging around all the time.

Scrazy that conversation went (him) you do realise you're gonna have to marry me, don't you" (said with a smile as a jokey thing), I said I hated it when he left and he'd have to move into my shed...then later on that day text him to say I hadn't actually meant my shed and was being serious, and he said it seemed like totally the wrong thing to do, but felt right.

Fuckwittery Sun 19-May-13 20:51:02

jesus loads of cross posts as I was reading, that last one, yes you are a nightmare (pissed off for knocking too loud after you called him post a violent ex), but I'll say it again, he is not the right man to work through your issues with (not sure you should be working through them with anyone)

Lweji Portugal Sun 19-May-13 20:52:54

I agree.

It sounds like you should be apart.

And in any case I'd leave him anyway.

Chubfuddler Sun 19-May-13 20:53:08

It doesn't matter which one of you is more at fault.

This is not a healthy relationship. It's not even an unhealthy relationship - it's just ... In the words of phoebe buffet, it's high school crap rather than an actual problem.

You will have an actual problem soon though if you don't stop working your way through the male staff of your children's school. Your children will be bullied about it.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:53:18

But I'm not sure he IS game playing; the more I type out these scenarios that have happened in the past, the more I think it's me, and he's been trying to work out what the fuck is going on.

Lweji Portugal Sun 19-May-13 20:53:41

(Oh, and you're not letting your ex in your home again, are you?)

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:54:52

That teacher had issues. I haven't worked my way through anything. I was talking to this guy before that teacher started and then left again (to go to a school in special measures) and according to some, he couldn't handle the paperwork involved with a school that's trying to get outstanding status.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:55:30

Lweji no idea...he's not too interested in the children so hopefully he'll just do one.

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 20:57:05

So you haven't been properly single for 4 years then? only 17 months.

I think it's time you thought and devoted your energies to your DC's. Don't you think that they deserve that after witnessing years of DV / DA? Do you think they should be dealing with all your shit and random Caretaker coming into their home?

My exh was arrested and charged with DV btw

Fuckwittery Sun 19-May-13 20:57:27

you wouldn't need to game play if he was right for you, if he made you feel secure and fitted your (admittedly huge possibly unmeetable) needs you wouldn't need to give him this shit.
if you would be like this with anyone, you shouldn't be with anyone
you cant sort out insecurities this massive in a couple of weeks of backing off and hi there texts - you wont be able to. not fair on either of you, or us who have to read it and scream in frustration at our screens.
you must realise he will dump you soon and fuck you up even more, why don't you take the first step in dealing with your issues and end this toxic relationship first. you might actually feel good about yourself afterwards.

HamsterDam Sun 19-May-13 20:57:54

for fucks sake. get a grip. do what mothers are supposed to do and put your kids first. what are they getting out of this ridiculous mess. get a hobby, you would enjoy amateur dramatics. you do need work, more than a couple of weeks worth though

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 20:58:11

I met my ex in 2006, we've only ever been together for 9 months of that time.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 20:58:32

I think we get it.

You say you don't want a relationship but you do.

He says he wants a relationship but he doesn't.

You say you want a relationship but you don't

He says he doesn't want a relationship but he does.

In between these messages are all the fucked up drama's and, no doubt, sexual tension.

And your kids. Don't tell us they don't pick up on it. They do. Please extract yourself and do the work necessary to change things for yourself.

Hold on. You have 3 kids with a man you were only together with for 9 months?

nkf Sun 19-May-13 20:59:48

Is your child's school the only place where you can meet men? And, there are usually hardly any men in primary schools anyway. You must have had most of them by now.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 21:00:30

*freddie - I have eaten enough Haagen Daz for both of us grin

confused - your "boyfriend's" martial arts training looms large in all f this. Could you send him round to karate chop me and put me out of my misery reading your responses

Scrazy Sun 19-May-13 21:00:33

Let me just say, it's both your faults. You haven't acted well because you don't have a functional relationship with him. You wouldn't be treating him this way if you 'loved' him, would you?

Gobbolino - grin ya think? I eat out of the tub....

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:02:03

Fuckwittery - right so do you mean he will dump me soon because of my behaviour/this mess, or because he just doesn't care about me anyway and never did?

He did make me feel happy, and safe, and secure, and he seemed to be making efforts to prove himself in a way - I told him I couldn't handle him sneaking out at 5am before the kids got up and I wanted him to meet them (stupid me I know) so he came downstairs and 'met' them. I said I wanted us to do something together out of the house like normal people, he arranged a walk in the woods and a picnic. I kept on about the face he wasn't friends with me on facebook so that must mean he was ashamed of his colleagues knowing he was talking to me, so he friend requested me.

While all this was going on, my brain was going "he makes you happy but what if he's just using you? Your ex was so convincing, how can you tell if someone's genuine or not?". So I tried to protect myself just in case.

Chubfuddler Sun 19-May-13 21:02:46

You have a child in year 1. So 5/6 years old.

My year 1 son cannot be guaranteed to stay in his bed all night. 95% of the time he does. But there are occasions. If he woke up in the middle of the night and found the janitor in my bed I genuinely think he'd be scarred for life.

Ive left a DV relationship. Honestly the last thing your children need is more drama. Even if they never witness your little set tos with this bloke, they will notice mummy is strung out, distracted, stressed.

You need to not be in a relationship with anyone, at all, until you have seriously worked on your boundaries. And they need some of the attention you have given to this nonsense paid to them.

Honestly woman you're 38. Grow up. I mean that kindly. Truly.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:04:03

Freddie - yes. He was controlling, I allowed myself to be controlled and kept going back for more. I don't regret having the children, they are the best thing that ever happened to me so please don't start casting aspersions in that way (as most people do).

TwoFourSixOhOne Sun 19-May-13 21:05:48

Is this the same caretaker you had to report because you felt he was being inappropriate with you? Or was that another poster?

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:06:41

No, that wasn't me smile

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 21:06:47

I know there are a lot of posts coming at you but can you please comment on my last one?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 21:10:06

I ate quite a lot freddie - but I put three raspberries on the top. Healthy, innit grin

Tweasels Sun 19-May-13 21:10:14

I've read this whole thread with mouth agape and am struggling to make any sense of what is going on.

You need to be on your own for your own sanity and the welfare of your children.

You do not have the emotional maturity to be in a relationship and I mean that kindly. This will not end well and your children will suffer.

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 21:10:58

OP right I'll tell you how it is - he's using you, for sex, ego massage and whenever he's bored. He didn't want you on fb cuz he was embarrassed but he added you cuz he was horny. He's using his sister as an excuse so you don't find out that he's also shaggin the cleaner and the school cook.

sorry to be blunt but there's the answer your looking for.

ps he's probably not been to karate he's probably been giving the cleaner a good fettle and hoped / thought/ wished he could get it up again for sloppy seconds but couldn't so you had to settle for the cuddle

Forum grin tell it like it is

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:12:42

I've said already many times...I got my ex (father of my children) arrested after he strangled me to near-unconsciousness whilst I was 6 months pregnant, he got 18 months probation and at the end of the probation, my ex came out and told me proudly that his probation officer had said he had no empathy whatsoever.
So I think that proves how...sub-human the man is.

Having been with someone like that, who will regularly swear blind he's on his way over and then just not turn up, but sound so convincing about it, it was difficult me when I met this other guy.

This guy has always been complimentary - even during an argument, as I said when I asked him to do things he did them, has only not come over when he's been too tired to do so (and even then has come over when I threatened to finish things), has put up with me saying he's crap in bed - which wasn't true, I just wanted to piss him off, making him leave then come back, confuse the shit out of him, and last night when he was trying to leave I took his shoe and held it behind my back til he talked to me. I was quite aggressive but he sat back down and held his head in his hands...my children's dad would've hit me.

I'm not trying to place blame solely on me, but assuming he doesn't want to finish things (and I'll only know in a couple of weeks), I really want to try and be a better partner.

The other issues I need to work on...my possible depression and all that, I need to do for myself.

This is honestly so bad for your children. Can't you see that?

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:14:32

forum so what are you basing that on? Just out of interest.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:16:07

aka what am I answering? You didn't ask a question?

Fuckwittery Sun 19-May-13 21:16:34

confused - tbh I think he's already dumped you as a partner or is backing out quickly but is keeping you hanging on for sex. he is a shit for doing this but I don't think it is recoverable. Leave with dignity, there's no way everything will be hunky dory in 2 weeks no matter what you say or do or don't say or don't do.

Scrazy Sun 19-May-13 21:17:15

You stole his shoe? I agree with others, you need to get some help, he isn't helping at all is he?

Just stop contact and go and see the doctor.

Hope you are OK.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 21:18:16

I find this thread strangely addictive. I don't like Haagen Das but I like wine.

I think OP is addicted to the feeling she gets from talking about this. If she thought we were all talking bollocks she'd have said so and long since abandoned it.

But heres the thing. The poster's you respond to OP are those whom you think will offer you another way back into the very situation you have posted about.

I can't imagine what it's like to be you. Have your RL mates any idea what's going on, and if so what do they think? they know you better than strangers on an internet forum after all.

CocktailQueen Sun 19-May-13 21:18:22

Christ. He sounds like an arse. He should be proud to be seen with you and this all sounds so wearing. You have 3 dc already - you don't need another!! If this is hard work already, it won't get any easier! LTB! smile

Chubfuddler Sun 19-May-13 21:18:27

You took his shoe?

Really woman can you not see how fucked up this is? You're quite young, you have needs - lovehoney can help there. But relationships should be completely off the radar for you for some time.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:18:35

So...saying I want to take that risk and look a dick in 2 weeks - how will I know if he's stringing me along for sex or wanting a relationship?

Presumably, if he's ok with 'dating' but not staying over...?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 21:20:09

forum so what are you basing that on? Just out of interest.

Far be it from me to answer for forum - but I would suspect it's your previous posts which make the situation all too clear to everyone. Bar you, of course

However, bearing in mind your complete failure to take on board any of the very good points made on this post and lack of insight, I'm expecting that you'll probably decide that forum's jealous and wants some janny-love grin

What akaWisey said. You want this in some strange fucked up way. Why?

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:20:54

I'm not interested in relationships, that's my point. I find them all an unnecessary hassle.

BUT he seemed different.

So - can someone tell me, after everything else I've told you about what I've done, give me examples of exactly how he's an arse?

I think he's reacting quite normally given how I've been treating him, to be totally honest.

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 21:21:37

Having been in an EA and DV H for predominantly the last 2 yrs of my marriage I am at a loss why you are so keen to rush into a relationship never mind one that's caused you all this shit.

What about your poor DC's don't you care about the damage you're doing to them? I truly wish you'd put the energy and effort into their needs as you do to your own and some random bloke you can't possibly know after the grand time of 4 weekssad

Tweasels Sun 19-May-13 21:21:46

Arrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh! For gawds sake woman listen to everything these women are telling you.

No, just bloody end the relationship, end of.

He's stringing you along and using you.

And you're needy so you're letting him and buying into it.

you are both as bad as each other.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:22:21

At the start of the thread I was convinced he was in the wrong, being a total dick for not coming to see me and talk things through.

Then I recounted the things I had done (and there are loads more incidents like it!) and it got me thinking about myself, and how I've been feeling when he's here.

That's what has brought about this apparent change of heart.

Chubfuddler Sun 19-May-13 21:22:23

Why does it matter whether and how he is an arse? Just put some distance between the two of you. This doesn't work. Just write it off.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:24:02

I disagree.

How is he using me?!

After the first time I treated him like total shit, why did he try again?

Why did he not try and get into my knickers most of the times he's been round?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 21:25:08

Do you know what: I've had an epiphany. You're right confused. We've all just misunderstood him. He's a great catch and it's clearly true love. hmm

There - is that's what you wanted to hear? confused confused

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:25:32

Because I think it hasn't worked because I've been controlling and manipulative, which is what I thought he was at the start of the thread...then I started thinking that actually, maybe he's tried his best to do what I want (I am quite overbearing, can you tell?) and has now given up.

However - if he has space, and if he misses me, then isn't that a sign he wants more than just sex?

Chubfuddler Sun 19-May-13 21:26:17

Who knows? Maybe he's as much of a drama queen as you. Maybe he's secretly doing a thesis and you're his lab rat. It doesn't matter what his motivations are. They are rubbish. So are yours. End this and act line a 38 year old mother instead of a mooning teenager.

nkf Sun 19-May-13 21:26:25

Are you making it up?

Tweasels Sun 19-May-13 21:26:27

It doesn't matter who the biggest dick is or who did what or who is mostly to blame.

What matters is your children's well being and your mental health and staying in this relationship will damage both of these.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 21:27:02

No I didn't ask a question OP I outlined what I think is the bare bones without the drama. And I asked you to comment. But no matter because as this thread gets longer it's clear you are NOT READY TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE.

Seriously. You aren't.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:27:05

If someone can give me a clear example of something I've said that you think shows he is using me or doesn't want a relationship, then fine I'll understand.

But at the moment, no one has done that - and I mean after I posted about the stuff I'd done.

CVSFootPowder Sun 19-May-13 21:27:10

"Far be it from me to answer for forum - but I would suspect it's your previous posts which make the situation all too clear to everyone. Bar you, of course "

Quite.

Look OP, you can have a NSA arrangement (but not with this guy), if thats what you truly want. But the whole thing about NSA is that you simply aren't 'allowed' to act needy, steal shoes, send texts saying you've got to come round tonight or else, then several hours later send one saying you dont have to come round tonight.. hmm and all the other silly needy games you're playing.

I dont know how you do the logistics of NSA/FWB when you've got DC because I've never been in that situation, but there must be ways to manage it. Babysitter and you go round the guys house and dont bring him near your kids seems obvious to me.

You dont just want NSA, you want drama.

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 21:28:14

gobbo thanks for your reply on my behalf. you succinctly posted I'm very jealous of janny- love grin grin grin

This is ridiculous. How can you think this is the right sort of relationship to model for your children?

Who cares who is right or wrong. Together, you are fucked up. That's all that matters.
Get out and sort out your self esteem.

Tweasels Sun 19-May-13 21:29:00

<weeps with frustration>

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:29:11

No, I want to be with this man.

And he said that's what he wanted to...and I believe him, so am asking for examples of how he has been using me/not interested in a relationship.

Sh1ney Sun 19-May-13 21:29:57

Ah!

It's you

So you won't listen to anyone

Tweasels Sun 19-May-13 21:29:57

<weeps some more>

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:30:55

So you don't think he's reacted in the way most people would when having to deal with the things I've been chucking at him?

That's all I'm asking.

Sh1ney - what do you mean?

Chubfuddler Sun 19-May-13 21:31:23

<thunk>

It doesn't matter what he wants. First you need to work out what you want op. not work out what random man A wants and then try to be it.

Do you really not see this? You are not a cypher for the needs of a man. You are a human being. Act like one.

unapologetic Sun 19-May-13 21:31:31

I am getting an anxious feeling reading this. Seriously, you have been writing on this thread for hours now. Where are your children please?

He has to be fucked up in the head with the fairy stories he spun you for months.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 21:32:20

I'm wondering if this is all an elaborate prank, set up by the head teacher who allegedly hates you....hmmm....

Chubfuddler Sun 19-May-13 21:32:32

Why do you want to be with him? Because he had shown an interest in you? Because a month in he hasn't hit you? Because you are scared of being alone?

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:32:41

Yes I get that!

I have been deliberately acting the way I have, because I was too scared to let myself go and risk ending up 'in love' and then risk him deciding to end it.

So therefore, if it's me that is/was the problem, I can stop it as easily as I started it, just by trusting him. Simple.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 19-May-13 21:33:02

His sister/the head teacher does not dislike you because you're not catholic. I think she can see exactly what's going on with you.

Confused, seriously, get yourself to doctors and referred for counselling ASAP. What you are describing, and what you are doing, are NOT the signs of someone who is mentally well. My 9 year old is too old to consider hiding a shoe to stop someone leaving. How are you not embarrassed at yourself?

CVSFootPowder Sun 19-May-13 21:33:27

Together, you are fucked up

when I was young, there was a very cheesy song called Together We Are Beautiful.
FreddieM has nailed it in this case, Together you are fucked up. That would make a great song title!

nkf Sun 19-May-13 21:33:56

Under a month you've been in a relationship. You've been close for six months. And you are angsting and moaning and wondering. It's ludicrous. You sound intense and weird and he sounds intense and weird. And the whole damn thing sounds intense and weird. And there must be something wrong with me because I could be getting on with the ironing and, instead, I'm reading your nonsense.

Chubfuddler Sun 19-May-13 21:33:58

Really? Ok. Good luck with that. And to your children.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:34:03

Because he makes me happy, compliments me, we share similar interests, he's funny, kind, patient...that's why.

unapologetic - it's 9.30pm, they're in bed, and have been since 6pm.

They've been at my mum's for the weekend so had a bath and conked out on the sofa, so I put them to bed.

CVSFootPowder Sun 19-May-13 21:34:44

he doesn't make you happy, FFS. Do you think you'd be on here posting 13 pages of this stuff if he made you happy?
Get a grip OP, please, for your own sake and the DC.

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 21:36:09

And he said that's what he wanted to...and I believe him, so am asking for examples of how he has been using me/not interested in a relationship.

He doesn't want to be with you / is using you because

He wants to keep you a secret
He won't go out in public with you
He lets you down when you make plans
He doesn't want to see you
He doesn't want you to text him
He isn't texting you
He isn't calling you
He isn't coming to see you

ps he's 58 and might have trouble getting it up so that cancels out why he's not using you for sex.

Please feel free to add to my list peeps cuz my mind is frazzled, I'm hyperventilating and going to stab myself in the eyes with blunt pencils - just for fun

you cannot be "in love" with someone after a month. Not in most normal relationships anyway.

And thank you CVSFootPowder grin

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 21:36:31

I am getting an anxious feeling reading this. Seriously, you have been writing on this thread for hours now. Where are your children please?

Yes - if you're able to get three children into bed for 6:30, can you give me some sleep tips for the baby grin

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:36:33

I said the Catholic thing to try and cover up who I was...you know, in case she reads this or something.

She doesn't like me because of the thing with the teacher - him complaining to her that I was being unreasonable etc. And also because I've been told I can't work in school (but can still do the pta stuff) due to a criminal damage conviction on my CRB from when my ex kicked me out at 3am...also a long story).

And I didn't hide the show, he was putting it on so I grabbed it and held it until he talked to me.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:36:45

shoe. sorry, spelling.

Chubfuddler Sun 19-May-13 21:37:08

You aren't happy you loon. You are a strung out mess.

I think your boundaries are so out of kilter you think a man has to be angsting to prove he cares. Really, angst isn't love. Separately you may be perfectly nice people but honestly you are describing nothing healthy

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 21:37:55

When they conked out on the sofa.....had you been speaking to them about this? I kind of feel the same

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:38:37

They're always in bed by 6.45.

They get dinner at 4.30, bath at 5-5.30, bit of a play and then the elder two go to their bedrooms and straight to sleep, the youngest sometimes whinges a bit in his cot, but he's in with his brother so seeing him asleep, means the youngest drops off after 10 mins.

Been like this since...well day dot really.

Freddie I meant risk being in love in the future, not now.

HibiscusIsland Sun 19-May-13 21:38:45

Only read half of the OP, but it sounds far too complicated and stressful. It's not meant to be like this!

OK then, sorry. My 9 year old doesn't withhold shoes to stop people from leaving. That better?

Nanny0gg England Sun 19-May-13 21:39:11

So - can someone tell me, after everything else I've told you about what I've done, give me examples of exactly how he's an arse?

You're joking, aren't you?
Have you actually read any of the (virtually unanimous) answers on this thread?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 21:39:11

And I didn't hide the shoe, he was putting it on so I grabbed it and held it until he talked to me.

Well that puts a totally different perspective on things hmm

CVSFootPowder Sun 19-May-13 21:39:24

yw Freddie grin

arf Gobbolino grin

time i had more wine

TheSecondComing Sun 19-May-13 21:39:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:40:19

Chub - that's my point!

So if I make an effort to do as he's asked, give him the space and time to think whilst working on trying to let myself trust him, then after a few weeks we start to meet up and go out on proper dates, taking it slowly as we were meant to from the start...then what's to stop it working?

When there is a discrepancy between what they say to you v how they behave towards you, they are fuckwits to be avoided.
He is running screaming for the hills and you are wondering how to please him. Can't you see how messed up this is?

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 19-May-13 21:41:16

I thought so TSC.

Hibiscus, read the rest, honestly!

Confused- you say you've realised since the start of the thread that you've been unreasonable here. I think there is a unanimous agreement throughout the thread that the relationship is NOT a good idea, and that you should seek some sort of help with your mental health. What are you going to do with that information? Or are you going to keep asking the same questions over and over?

When I was with my exH and my marriage was failing and falling apart, I was a strung out mess and I remember some fierce rows. And I would have done things like grab a shoe to get him to stay and listen to me.

But that was a marriage. Of years and years. Not a month old relationship.

And I got out. And my head is sorted. It was 6 years ago and my ex isn't a bad person, just together we are fucked up.

You need to get out of this emotional messed up fuck up.

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 21:41:39

Pages back I asked you OP. Why do you not care what this and your previous relationship are doing to your DC's?

Why won't you put the same effort and energy into their happiness and childhood as you are into yours and that stupid arse prick you've know for all of 4 weeks?

What's to stop it working? Really??

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:42:42

Message deleted by Mumsnet for referring to the content of a deleted post

Chubfuddler Sun 19-May-13 21:42:44

Your personalities and the back histories of the last month of drama would probably be pretty major stumbling blocks.

Why are you so desperate to make this work? Do you honestly think that at 38 no other man is ever going to take an interest in you again?

unapologetic Sun 19-May-13 21:42:54

You have been on this thread for nearly 6 hours (with three children to play with, bath, feed and put to bed btw.) You are obsessed.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 21:43:12

20.35.11 was my post when I predicted the OP would suddenly blame herself .

OP I think you should see your GP. This is not at all good. Your 'epiphany' does not sound genuine. I think you are running away.

I am also concerned that you didn't say what RL friends think of this situation.

Scrazy Sun 19-May-13 21:43:29

He probably had an ego boost that a woman 20 years his junior was interested in him, tbh. Wanted to prove he could still pull someone younger. You told him you thought he wanted you for sex therefore he was probably worried about trying it on all the time. Also when a couple are in love, you should be unable to keep your hands off each other in the early days. It's not really a compliment if they are worried about appearing to be a sex pest so keeping their distance.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 21:44:48

Seriously - please ignore everyone else and read Freddie's last post. She speaks sense

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 21:45:39

OP so the list I posted at your request as to why he is using you and isn't interested is not ringing any bells or striking any cords or is invisible or you are ingnoring it?

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:46:10

Freddie - yes, and perhaps that's what he meant last night when he said this thing with me is feeling like when he split with his ex wife after 28 years of being together - feeling emotionally drained etc.

forum - I spend every second of my time on my kids! This guy comes around a few times a week after they have gone to bed, and is gone by the time they get up.

Even after we argue, I'm up with the kids at 5.30am doing jigsaws and shit, even when I don't feel like it.

I'm a good mum and this ISN'T affecting them. I don't walk around in a depressed haze, I'm not texting 24-7, I'm parenting my children and doing it bloody well considering!

Badvoc Sun 19-May-13 21:47:14

Why are you confused!?
He is an infantile prick who is waste your time.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:49:11

I did actually miss the list forum - no he has an erection everytime we are in bed so unless it's Viagra, he has no trouble getting it up.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 21:50:20

yes, and perhaps that's what he meant last night when he said this thing with me is feeling like when he split with his ex wife after 28 years of being together - feeling emotionally drained

Christ - you've made the poor bugger feel like that in only 4 weeks confused

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:50:50

So...I give him time, if in a couple of weeks I ask if he wants to meet up but not stay over and he does, and then I suggest we go out in town regularly - then surely that's sorted out quite a few of the things on your list?

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:51:33

Gobbolino which was my point.

I did it deliberately, so if by some miracle he's not totally exhausted by it all, I can stop it, go with it and have some fun.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:53:50

Actually thinking about it, I text him this morning saying he's clearly made up his mind, sorry and I'll miss him and to take care, and he replied "I will miss you too, sorry I wasn;t stronger...you take care as well"

and it was only after that, that I text asking if he was 100% sure and he said we needed to work on light-hearted, fun texts and see how we go from there...so yes you're right, that probably does mean he's ended it for good.

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 21:54:17

Bollox OP you are not being a good parent. Sorry before I start to anyone who thinks my post a little harsh but here goes.

Your poor DC's have had to witness EA and DV all their young lives the disruption and all that shit it brings. You then introduce a man into their lives after seeing him for 2 weeks or 10 day whatever it was. You quite clearly are obsessing about this man which is evident to everyone but you.

Forget men or the janny and give your DC's some peace and stability in their lives - they only get one chidhood - let them have a good and memorable one for the right reasons.

I work with screwed up kids and nearly always its down the the parents and dysfunctional lives and the drama and shit they live with

Dear god. You are so not getting it.

Blistory Sun 19-May-13 21:54:42

4 weeks in and 358 posts on the state of this relationship.

There's a red flag if ever there was one.

Scrazy Sun 19-May-13 21:56:04

Confused, I hope he has done the right thing and finished it. It might be best all round.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 21:57:33

^Actually thinking about it, I text him this morning saying he's clearly made up his mind, sorry and I'll miss him and to take care, and he replied "I will miss you too, sorry I wasn;t stronger...you take care as well"

and it was only after that, that I text asking if he was 100% sure and he said we needed to work on light-hearted, fun texts and see how we go from there...so yes you're right, that probably does mean he's ended it for good^

Er...you really should have mentioned this in your first post or at least two fucking hours ago!

SweetSeraphim Sun 19-May-13 21:58:25

<yes, and perhaps that's what he meant last night when he said this thing with me is feeling like when he split with his ex wife after 28 years of being together - feeling emotionally drained

Christ - you've made the poor bugger feel like that in only 4 weeks>

<Gobbolino which was my point.

I did it deliberately, so if by some miracle he's not totally exhausted by it all, I can stop it, go with it and have some fun>

Fucking hell, you are so manipulative. I don't know whether you're like this with everyone you go out with, although I suspect you are... just leave the bloke alone. He's not interested, you've done his head in. Poor fucker.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:58:55

Well...I was kind of hoping that wasn't what he meant. Sorry.

scaevola Sun 19-May-13 21:59:26

"then surely that's sorted out quite a few of the things on your list?"

That list isn't a set of obstacles to will out of the way. It's a demonstration of why he's not right for you.

And tbh, I don't think anyone will be until you drop whatever baggage you have that is making you hanker like a love-lorn teenager for a pseudo-relationship that is clearly so wrong. A couple of peeks at a website with baggage in its title is no substitute for the serious (and lengthy) task of recovering your self esteem.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 21:59:27

But what if he is still interested?

Oh for fucks sake.

He has TOLD you he's not interested and you're a headfuck.

What part of that don't you get?

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 22:00:49

He's said it before - then text me an hour later saying he doesn't want it to end.

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 22:01:02

You said in a post ^ that you text jannyman cuz you felt suicidal/ emotional and you think your DC's don't pick up on that? Or are they in bed only when you feel like that? Or can you change your emotions that easily?

Everyone has shit in their lives and I can't change the shit my DC's witnessed or the fear they felt but I sure as hell can make sure that I or any other dick head man is not doing it to them now or in the future.

unapologetic Sun 19-May-13 22:01:12

I am leaving this thread now - you are doing my head in. But seriously I am worried for your poor children. You are not rational.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 22:01:21

He also said after that, that he's not sure he can 'live with me' or 'live without me'.

Chubfuddler Sun 19-May-13 22:01:22

I predict MNHQ will intercede in ooh about ten minutes.

SweetSeraphim Sun 19-May-13 22:01:27

Has he messaged you since this morning??

HerrenaLovesStarTrek Sun 19-May-13 22:01:46

op, I got halfway through your thread and gave up because it was so frustrating to see you deliberately fixating on everything that you feel is wrong with YOU, not him.

Why would you want to be with someone who can't give you a simple answer/guide to their future behaviour and then stick to it? Genuine question.

Anyway, I don't think it matters. You sound like you need to get counselling because you clearly don't think very much of yourself and mum with low self-esteem+young kids+a wish for a relationship with anybody = badness, most of the time.

You have my sympathy because that must be horrible to read, much less think. Still, I think that's the truth. And the guy you are describing reminds me very much of a wishy washy waste of space I once dated, briefly. He too was a drama llama and I felt better once I'd dumped him. I imagine many other posters here are forming their assessment of your guy based on how much he sounds like their previous partners.

It's just possible that your guy is a rare flower who says exactly the same things as predictable over-dramatic timewasters but is actually completely different to them. Possible, yet highly unlikely.

Please take some time to get help and become comfortable with yourself, op. You really do not need this idiot.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 22:02:00

forum the kids were at my mum's, hence why I felt emotional.

Whoever is to blame and what way it all started, together you are fucked up.

Let him go.

Get some counselling and help from your GP. You're 38 and you've never had a functional adult relationship.

This is not good for your kids.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 22:02:56

Seraphim - yes, saying the bit about not being sure if he can live with me, or without me and wanting to focus on just texting for a couple of weeks, then see how we go.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 22:04:29

I think you're wrong.

I think the only way I will know fir sure if he's a timewaster, is if I act like a normal person and then he still fucks me over/makes demands I cant meet.

scottishmummy France Sun 19-May-13 22:04:50

why are you drawn to difficult moody men?do you like the drama
month in,if it this much hassle,cut loose and split up
dating is supposed to be fun,not angst whats it all mean handwringing

Ponyphysio Sun 19-May-13 22:04:50

OP....you are a fucking lunatic. That is all.

If you know this, why did you post?

Chubfuddler Sun 19-May-13 22:05:39

Instead of acting like a normal person why not get some counselling so that you can actually be a normal person?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 19-May-13 22:05:40

Do you know what, all joking aside, you are worrying me now.

You remind me of a strange patient who took a fancy to DH. At one stage he thought he might have to involve the police

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 22:05:49

Because I'd forgotten what a dick I'd been!

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 22:06:10

I can't remember when a thread has angered me. But this one has.

OP - are you as angry as fuck? If not, then I wonder if posting is your way of having other people get angry for you/with you. You are beginning to paint yourself almost as an abusive person and that is quite, quite mad given your original question.

You really really need to get an appointment with your GP. You are worrying me now.

Floggingmolly Sun 19-May-13 22:07:52

But what if he is still interested?. Are you a bit thick as well as all your considerable other failings, op?

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 22:08:36

Well, do you not think that trying to hurt someone for no reason other than to hurt them, is abusive?

Starting to have sex with someone then turning your back on them, and when they apologise for "whatever I've done wrong" you tell them it's doing nothing for you (a lie) and then proceed to go into great detail about how shit it was (also a lie).

Telling someone if they don't come over we are finished - knowing that the other person will come over because they don't want it to end - and then when they turn up either causing an argument to make them feel like crap or not letting them in the door in the first place?

Does that not sound abusive and controlling to you? sad

SweetSeraphim Sun 19-May-13 22:08:53

It's like you're excited at how you can manipulate him. Gleeful. And then you have the power to be different, be normal, and make him see that you're not mad after all. But you are.

He's a dick as well, btw. But the more I read of your posts, the more I can see how he's trying to extricate himself from this ridiculous 'relationship'.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 22:09:44

And I just started thinking, halfway through this thread after I'd posted about psycho behaviour, that maybe...maybe he had been interested, felt the feelings he did, kept trying to please me and do everything I had asked as much as reasonably possible...but it was never enough and he was drained by it all.

That was all.

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 22:09:44

They're not at your mums now and they won't be in the morning when you are still obsessing about all this or the coming weeks or months.

Just dump him for the sake of your kids. Just think, if you dump him now you will never have to worry about 'what he meant when he said..', why hasn't he text, 'when will I see him', 'will he turn up as arranged (or will I end up feeling humiliated that my DC's are on a sleep over and I'm left home alone', 'can we have a meal in town', 'why has he blocked me on fb' etc etc etc

Look at all of the above - get shut of him and you get shut of all that shit too, freeing you up to build a happy carefree childhood for your DC's

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 22:11:04

It's like you're excited at how you can manipulate him. Gleeful. And then you have the power to be different, be normal, and make him see that you're not mad after all. But you are.

Which is emotional abuse.

Getting him, as a man, back, for my dad sexually abusing me and my children's father strangling me...there we go, it's out there.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 22:11:24

I already said I'm going to see my GP, I'm definitely depressed, have been for a while.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 22:13:35

He always turns up when he says he will, never goes a day without contacting me to ask how I am, always means what he says I think - I just never believe him, and the only reason he didn't turn up yesterday is because I'd forced him to come over the previous night, and we only got 4 hours sleep...then he had a school thing (communion) Saturday morning, shopping, walk the dog and then by 5pm he was shattered.

Chubfuddler Sun 19-May-13 22:13:39

GP sounds like a good idea. And no dating, texting, sofa dossing or general entanglements with any men whatsoever. For some considerable time.

HamsterDam Sun 19-May-13 22:13:43

so you text him telling him how he feels - clearly its over whatever, he agrees with you says goodbye take care. you then ask him if he's sure?? what the actual fuck?
only advice you need is to see a doctor first thing ask for a referral to the mental health crisis team.
not that you will take advice you never do.
why do you come here at all? angry

SweetSeraphim Sun 19-May-13 22:14:05

So you recognise that you are an abuser, but yet you're still carrying it on? Just leave him. Be with your kids. FFS.

CVSFootPowder Sun 19-May-13 22:15:16

I feel as if we're being manipulated too.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 22:15:17

Yes but hamster he's said that before then gone back on it, as have I.

Seraphim - yes, but if I realise it, I can change it.

akaWisey Sun 19-May-13 22:16:26

Well you've had a great deal of very good support and advice today.

I have to leave this thread now.

I have no idea what the fuck you are getting from this. It is all seriously fucked up.

HamsterDam Sun 19-May-13 22:19:23

you're not depressed you're deranged. your poor kids.
he's said it and gone back on it- all this flip flopping and arguments within a month. poor bloke probably doesn't know if he's coming or going,you are abusing him and gaslighting him that will be why maybe he's scared you will kill yourself if he dumps you. don't know about arse the guy sounds like a saint to me

HamsterDam Sun 19-May-13 22:22:38

ok lets try another way. you were a dick, it was all your fault you're meant to be together really you can have a wonderful life together. just act normal send him a joke text, relax and everything in the garden will be rosy, your kids won't be remotely fucked up by any of the drama

HerrenaLovesStarTrek Sun 19-May-13 22:24:24

You sound like you have some serious problems and you need to get help, op. I say that as someone who is on antidepressants herself and has been known to say some shit things.

But you need to stop luxuriating in it all. As Aldous Huxley said, rolling in the mud is not the best way to get yourself clean.

You think this guy wants to be with you. There must be something fucked up in his personality if he wants to be with somebody as damaged as you make yourself sound. Seriously, you need to get rid, for your own sake as well as that of your kids. You need to get help for their sake too.

Scrazy Sun 19-May-13 22:24:44

Hamster said what I didn't want to. He is scared you will do something and that is why he is trying to let you down gently. Get some help, please.

SirRaymondClench France Sun 19-May-13 22:26:51

Is this you again that fancied the teacher at your kids school and also had the relationship with the guy who was moving abroad?

forumdonkey Sun 19-May-13 22:29:02

OP you've declared your undying love for this man, you are persisting on pursuing a relationship with him and taking crappy excuses as being all your fault and you've known him a grand total of 4 weeks - how do you know he's not an abuser like your ex? I presume like many abusers your ex was very charming and loving in the beginning. You DON'T know this man!

SweetSeraphim Sun 19-May-13 22:36:36

<Seraphim - yes, but if I realise it, I can change it.>

Not with this bloke. You've fucked it up.

Patosshades Sun 19-May-13 22:43:51

Seriously OP are you in the middle of a mental health crisis situation at the moment. You should call someone.

MumfordandDaughter Sun 19-May-13 22:59:03

Hello, Confused.

This may come out as utter waffle, but i'm shattered, so bear with me.

I'm also a single parent (albeit just to one child, who happens to have autism) so i know how difficult the whole dating thing is.

My (abusive) ex left when dd was 2 weeks old and hasn't been in touch since. She's now 5 1/2 years' old.

I've had a few first dates, one one-night-stand, but nothing more.

I understand that having him over to your house is the easiest way for you both to meet up. Childcare is difficult/expensive, and you can't very well stay over at his when you have three children. However, i think it would have been best if you delayed having him stay over, or that you carried on waking him up early to leave before the children awoke in the morning.

You say that one of your children saw you and your boyfriend together one time (kissing mummy comment) and that your child hasn't brought it up again/mentioned it. Why haven't >you< mentioned it?

If my 5yo daughter saw me kissing a strange man - or worse, her janny! - and she was silent about it, i'd be worried sick. The first thing i'd do is sit her down and explain the situation, not ignore it.

I also wouldn't allow a strange man - or her janny - to stay over at our house without having introduced them properly. What if she tried to sneak into my bed at night and found a man lying there? She'd be terrified.

And i wouldn't want to introduce her to a man until i was confident we were in a solid relationship, so probably not until the fourth month of dating. If he can't wait that long before staying over at mine, then he isn't worth keeping. I'd maybe suggest going out for the day with boyfriend and daughter, doing something like lunch at a cafe, or bowling, and then introducing him as a friend. And i'd make sure she was aware he might be sleeping over at our house sometimes.

If one of your children have SN, (i'm presuming autism, sorry if i'm wrong), then i would have thought preparing them for new situations would be really important for their well being. Seeing a stranger in your house, touching your mother, is an upsetting thing for any NT child to witness, let alone one with autism.

IMO, you would benefit from counsiling. You have a lot of issues. As far as i can tell, his biggest issue was coming on too strong to start with, without getting to know you properly. And now that he's gotten to know you and your 'quirks', he's had a change of heart and is trying to back out without hurting you.

This is exactly why you shouldn't rush in and introduce flings or brand new partners to your kids. At least wait until you both get to know each other first.

My daughter is absolutely obsessed with having a dad. It's heartbreaking. She's never had one, and is always begging me to get married so she can have a father.

I know that if i introduced her to a man, she'd cling on like a leech and see him as a dad figure right away. This is why i'm determined not to introduce her to anyone until i'm certain it's a strong relationship. One that i'm confident will last.

I think you have put yourself first in this situation instead of putting your children first.

If you're talking about being suicidal etc, i'm assumng you're depressed? Your children will undoubtedly already be picking up on your MH issues, and this janny-thon will just be another thing for them to be fretting over.

Take time out from men and focus on your own health and your children's.

Send a simple text (or better yet, phone him), 'It's over, neither of us are emotionally ready for this right now,' and then move on with your life.

There's only another hour of today left; why not make tomorrow a fresh start?

SisterMonicaJoan Sun 19-May-13 23:03:57

That was a very senstive post mumford and I hope OP listens x

You sound like a nightmare
He sounds like a nightmare
This 'relationship' sounds like a nightmare
The whole thing is a huge, pointless mess. Just stop. Think about your children. They need you present with them, not pratting about having drama filled teenage angsty relationships with utter knobjockeys. Grow up.

Gingersstuff Sun 19-May-13 23:54:07

Jesus Christ. OP I started off feeling sorry for you but ended up feeling for the poor bloke and your kids.
You remind me very much of a now-ex friend who was a perfectly ok person albeit a bit flaky in the relationship department, I thought, until she got together with my OH's pal (also a decent bloke but a bit flaky blah blah blah) and they've now been at it for more than 5 years. More off than on and I've lost count of the number of cans of paint thrown at cars, frozen fish pies, eggs at windows and police visits involving two counts of domestic violence and one assault charge (which she admitted she brought to "teach him a lesson for leaving her"). None of their friends would invite them round because we were never sure whether they'd be having sex at the table or throwing plates at each other, so now they have no mutual friends, only separate ones. She used to use me as a sounding board and her convos went exactly - EXACTLY - the way that you are sounding. I told her time and again what every poster on here has told you. She endlessly analysed every word, every text, every action...had every kind of counselling and therapy....it was just exhausting, really it was. i thanked the gods there were no kids involved. I had to walk away in the end, I was sick and tired of listening to different variations of the same story time after time. Like you, she would only listen to what she wanted to hear. After a while I came to conclusion that she was a complete fucking nutcase, I'm sorry to say. And you are sounding exactly like her.

Selba Mon 20-May-13 00:05:25

If one of my kids saw me kissing the Jonny they would completely freak out.
This doesn't add up at all.
.

You had a non relationship with an unsuitable oddball man whom you treated very badly.

He dumped you and you are trying to figure out ways to play it to "make things work out. "

IT S NEVER GOING TO WORK OUT. THERE IS NOTHING TO WORK OUT. THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP .

OP I think you need psychiatric help

Selba Mon 20-May-13 00:06:20

Damn you, autocorrect. Janny, not Jonny.

MumfordandDaughter Mon 20-May-13 00:11:46

Hahaha! Kissing the jonny. That would freak out the best of us, I'm sure.

Selba Mon 20-May-13 00:18:22

Wouldn't it be fun if the Janny was called Jonny ?

EternalRose Mon 20-May-13 01:43:43

Oh my. This thread has given me a headache...

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 20-May-13 01:47:38

Hello, confusedisitme. Sorry, it is you.
I apologize, I did not read the whole thread....jumped from the end of page 7. And I do not think I have had the experience of reading your other threads either.

In the beginning, your OP, I was of the opinion LTB. Christo Red Flags. But then, by page six, the shift of thought of why hasn't he dumped you yet? Coming to the end to see that, I am not surprised. Sorry.

I do not watch day time soap operas, do you? Is that the template you use for your relationships? ...including being the victim of abuse (sorry in advance), but having such a template would cross the entire spectrum.

Real people, real life circumstances, just don't behave this way. Counselling has been recommended for you to reset what normal is; please let me add to that and say that your dc will need counselling to know what normal is as well.

One clue, as I have wasted enough time here already , normal people will respect another adult enough to not pester the living shit out of them to come, or go, or come back again, or anything. No means no.

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 20-May-13 02:21:00

You say you might have AS traits? If so, and if you are anything like me, I am naive, easily fall in love, and can fall into obsession without realising it. I can also start arguments by mistake. Although now I am no longer depressed, I don't splurge my misery over people I think I am close to.

Of course, I could be well off beam, but if this does resonate with you, I would recommend ending this thing, and working on rebalancing your life a bit. And notice how you are getting on, emotionally, from time to time, (not constant self-monitoring).

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 20-May-13 02:22:16

*I am now no longer depressed, but when I was, I had a tendency to splurge...

davidtennantsmistress Mon 20-May-13 07:35:58

I got as far as your post saying if I could give it a couple of weeks and see if he misses me........

For gods sake woman, I mean no disrespect here but I want to shake you and say get a grip! You're both my parents age acting like you're 12, he's been with you a month you should have frills flowers fun laughter not this crap, I'm exhausted just reading it, the man doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, he wants to keep you as a dirty little secret who behaves quietly in the corner, and you I suspect will play the part for the drama.

This man is not for you, tbh it's quite a toxic relationship, keep your dignity take charge and bin him Off.

davidtennantsmistress Mon 20-May-13 07:42:07

Just read a little more, and a point of thought, if you do have mh issues; another person can't fix you, you can only fix yourself, he's admitted hes broken, I imagine after all you've been through you consider yourself the same on some level?

But you need independent help individually before you can be a happy together. Fix you first. But leave him.

meddie Mon 20-May-13 10:52:32

Just leave him alone. he has said he wants space, give him it. You sound like an absolute head fuck, needy clingy,manipulative and obsessive. I hope to god he doesn't keep rabbits.
Seriously grow up. back away from this mess and put your kids first, go get some counselling to sort your issues out, because you are so NOT ready for any relationship at the moment..
Though I doubt you will take any notice of this advice as you have chosen to ignore it from everyone else up to now.
You seem to think you can wait two weeks 'to prove you are normal' then he will come back. Your behaviour is far from normal , How long do you think you can keep up this 'normal' act before you are blowing hot and cold and demanding he jump to your attendance, then telling him to fuck off when he gets there ' to prove how much he likes you'
I am drained just reading your posts. God knows how drained he must feel after putting up with this crap for 4 weeks.

TheDishwasherFairy Mon 20-May-13 10:56:48

You shouldn't be in any relationship until you've sorted yourself out.

Leverette Mon 20-May-13 11:28:25

I don't if you're still reading, OP, but from my own experience of recovering from dodgy relationships, dodgy mental health and basically no boundaries due to wacko childhood, I'd suggest you print off this thread and ask your GP to refer you to a psychiatrist.

The way you've described much of your thoughts and behaviour choices really make me think of Borderline Personality Disorder...I think if you approach this from the point of view that you're concerned about how you function interpersonally and want to identify whether this is due to an underlying condition or dodgy role modelling/issues from your childhood.

confusedisitme Mon 20-May-13 12:44:28

I'm not delusional and I don't hallucinate.

So no....I don't think it is BPD.

meddie Mon 20-May-13 12:59:21

Theres a saying
"you can't polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter'
And you are rolling this turd of a relationship in the biggest pile of glitter you can find. But underneath, its still a turd

Fairylea Mon 20-May-13 13:06:14

I feel sorry for you. I see a lot of myself in you actually... after my ex dh left me I dived straight into dating and Fwb type relationships, I was actually extremely depressed and having a bit of a mid life crisis if I am being honest. I would never have admitted that at the time.... I was "having the time of my life". Yeah right.

I had a guy mess me about exactly like you do now. In the end I just cut him out of my life completely and was totally single for ages.

Then, when I felt a bit stronger and didn't need a man, just thought it would be nice,I went online dating and met the man who is now my dh. I knew instantly how wrong the others had been. He would never mess me about at all.

Life is too short to waste on the wrong people.

Put yourself and your dc first.

CinnabarRed Mon 20-May-13 13:34:20

Sorry, but I have to pull you up on assuming that BPD is characterised by delusions and/or hallucinations. Although those symptoms can be present, they are by no means present in all sufferers.

From the NHS Direct website:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) can cause a wide range of symptoms which can be broadly grouped into four main areas.

The four areas are:

•emotional instability (a psychological term for this is affective dysregulation)
•disturbed patterns of thinking or perception (psychological terms for these are cognitive or perceptual distortions)
•impulsive behaviour
•intense but unstable relationships with others.

Each of these areas is described in more detail below.

Emotional instability

If you have BPD, you may experience a range of often intense negative emotions, such as:

•rage
•sorrow
•shame
•panic
•terror
•long-term feelings of emptiness and loneliness

You may have severe mood swings over a short space of time. It is common for people with BPD to feel suicidal with despair and then feel reasonably positive a few hours later. Some people feel better in the morning and some in the evening. The pattern varies, but the key sign is that your moods swing in unpredictable ways.

Disturbed patterns of thinking

There are three levels of disturbed thinking that can affect people with BPD. These are ranked according to severity:

•upsetting thoughts, such as thinking you are a terrible person. You may not be sure of these thoughts and may seek reassurance that they are not true
•brief episodes of strange experiences, such as hearing voices outside your head for minutes at a time. These may often feel like instructions to harm yourself or others. You may or may not be certain whether these are real
•prolonged episodes of abnormal experiences, where you might experience both hallucinations (voices outside your head) or distressing beliefs that no one can talk you out of (such as believing your family are secretly trying to kill you). These types of beliefs may be psychotic (delusions), and a sign you are becoming more unwell. It is important to get help if you are struggling with delusions

Impulsive behaviour

If you have BPD, there are two main types of impulses you may find extremely difficult to control:

•an impulse to self-harm, such as cutting your arms with razors or burning your skin with cigarettes. In severe cases, especially if you also feel intensely sad and depressed, this impulse can lead to feeling suicidal and you may attempt suicide
•a strong impulse to engage in reckless and irresponsible activities, such as binge drinking, drug abuse, going on a spending or gambling spree or having unprotected sex with strangers. Impulsive behaviours are especially dangerous when people are in brief psychotic states, because they may be much more likely to act impulsively if their judgement is impaired.

Unstable relationships

If you have BPD, you may feel other people abandon you when you most need them or get too close and smother you.

When people fear abandonment, it can lead to feelings of intense anxiety and anger. They may make frantic efforts to prevent being left alone, such as:

•constantly texting or phoning a person
•suddenly calling that person in the middle of the night
•physically clinging on to that person and refusing to let go
•making threats they will harm or kill themselves if that person ever leaves them.

Alternatively, you may feel others are smothering, controlling or crowding you, which also provokes intense fear and anger.

You may then respond by acting in ways to make people go away, such as emotionally withdrawing, rejecting them or using verbal abuse.

These two patterns will probably result in an unstable ‘love-hate’ relationship with certain people.

Many people with BPD seem to be stuck with a very rigid ‘black-white’ view of relationships. Either a relationship is perfect and that person is wonderful, or the relationship is doomed and that person is terrible. People with BPD seem unable or unwilling to accept any sort of ‘grey area’ in their personal life and relationships.

For many with BPD, emotional relationships (including relationships with professional carers) involve ‘go away!/please don’t go’ states of mind, which is confusing for them and their partners. Sadly, this can often lead to break-ups.

DaemonPantalaemon Mon 20-May-13 13:37:06

Wow. Because I have a LOOOOOOTT of time on my hands, I copied this entire thread and put it in a word document. I was curious to see how long it has become. It is more than 40 000 words!!!!!

This is a fucking novel, this is.

Lweji Portugal Mon 20-May-13 14:12:52

I "only" count 31000. A small novel. smile
blush

<off to do some work>

joblot Mon 20-May-13 14:18:19

I think its a lovely cuddly rom com

confusedisitme Mon 20-May-13 14:25:45

Well...I texted him earlier asking how he was and he replied, I then apologised for acting like a total loon recently and he said "you're not a loon and I have missed you. My only concern is that I'm not sure that we do have a long term future so do we take the risk and try and get on, and find out if we actually do have enough in common".

I said it depends what he means and his reply was "The trouble is I do want a long term relationship but I'm no longer sure I'm actually capable of having one" - when pressed on what he meant, he said "commitment. And not getting bored".

He then sent "I do like your company...when we're not arguing and I do like sharing ur bed and making love to you..but I FEEL really guilty if there is no long term intent. So I'm fucked basically".

I then asked why he hadn't agreed when I said all those times that I knew he only wanted a casual thing, and he said "Because I don't want to be the kind of person who just has casual relationships"

So then I asked where we go from here, if he was sure he doesn't want a proper, long term relationship with me then what does he want if anything, his reply: "I don't see how I can want anything. It's my internal conflict that's the problem".

So - just wondering...was all that his way of saying he just wants sex with me but nothing more, or him saying he doesn't want anything form me at all but just letting me down gently?

I know either way it's fucked but just curious.