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Please help...I found out this morning my husband has been having an affair

(182 Posts)
mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:12:44

I can't really believe I am typing this. I am utterly heartbroken and in a sense of shock.
I found texts on his phone. I feel so stupid, the signs were all there but I love and trust him so much I just didn't read them. We haven't really been getting on well for the past few months, now I see why. I thought it was a rough patch, God what a bloody fool I am.

We've been together 16 years! I've known him my whole life, we have such history together. Now it feels like none of that seems to count for anything.
I have two beautiful dd's and I feel distraught for them. This is not what I wanted for them, their lives are going to be ripped apart.
Am bewildered, what do I do now?
He's left to stay at his mums for time being. I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him. Do you ever get over something like this? Where do you even start to clear up the mess?
I feel completely humiliated and sick
Sorry for the ramble but my head and heart are all over the place.

Lizzabadger Sun 19-May-13 14:14:58

I'm so sorry. Do you have real-life support? It's good that he has left for a while so you can have some space to process the shock and think about what you want to do.

PrincessScrumpy Sun 19-May-13 14:21:11

First step, keep breathing. What was his reaction to you finding out? Did he confess? Is it over? Does he want forgiveness? They would be my first questions.
Sit down and write a list of questions. Once you have some answers you can begin to work out how you feel.
A friend of mine told her h to move out for 6 months. He was still committed to her so not allowed to sleep with anyone else but she needed space. For 3 months he saw dc but very little conversation between the couple. After 3 months she said they could start dating and he had to woo her back and rebuild the relationship life starting from new. That was 10 years ago and they're still together, but she does worry he'll cheat again but has accepted its a risk she'll take.
You will find what works for you but don't rush anything. Big hug xx

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:21:22

My sisters have just left. My mum has my girls, I don't want them to see me like this.
But what tomorrow holds who knows. Have an extremely busy week at work but can't even think of that at moment. Cant imagine even leaving house. I feel so sick and shaky.
I want to keep things normal. But what do I say when they ask where daddy is. They are 10 and 8.

Am so torn. I think this is going to break me.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:27:26

He says it has been going on since January. The text banter between them was really intimate and laced with 'in' jokes. In one he told her he loved her so so much. Another that he missed her. The last one sent from 8.15 this morning, saying he was in for a shit day. Little did he know how shit...

Apparently they haven't had sex. We have slept together once in 7 months and he's never really had the highest sex drive so I don't know what to think.

Actually whether they've had sex or not is not really the issue for me. The loving texts and relationship he seems to have formed is what is hurting me the most.

He was very remorseful and didn't argue back like he usually does. Has sent me a text to say how deeply sorry he is. He's broken what we've had and I don't know where to start picking up pieces.

ImperialBlether Sun 19-May-13 14:27:54

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been through it, too, and remember all too well feeling as though I'd been hit by a bus. I don't think I'd ever really understood shock as a physical thing before then.

How long has it been going on? Is it someone you know? Does he want to be with her? (Sorry for that last question.)

I agree with Lizzabadger that it's good that he's left for a while at least. It's too hard to think straight when they're there.

Just a couple of things that I did wrong that might help you:

I forgave far too easily. I couldn't bear to think about it and swept it under the carpet and tried to act as though it was nothing. I was wrong - it was everything.

We had a period of time which was as though I was on drugs - it was so exciting and invigorating and all we did was have sex all the time. I didn't realise this was called hysterical bonding and is really common. I think, for me, it was a matter of putting my mark on him, of trying to negate his memories of her. Be very careful about this stage as it's where you persuade yourself that everything is actually really good. When you crash later, he won't understand why you're still bringing it up, when you've been getting on so well.

I didn't ask for time apart. I felt everything would crash down if I did, but it had crashed anyway. I think I was terrified he'd be with her if I told him to go - the truth is that if he goes to her it just hurries up the process; he would've gone to her anyway.

Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as though you've had an accident. The shock is truly awful. Only tell people who will be good to you.

ImperialBlether Sun 19-May-13 14:28:58

Please, don't believe him when he says they haven't had sex. Please don't.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:33:42

You're right I am in shock deep shock. I feel sick and cant stop shaking. I look like I've aged 10 years in a few hours. My heart is racing like crazy.

I don't think he wants to be with her.
Please help me list some questions, I haven't got the most clarity at the moment...

How far (sexually) has it gone?
What does she know about me and the girls?
Will it be over now?
Where did he see it going?
Who said I love you first?

God I could actually kill him for doing this...that's normal, am I right???

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 19-May-13 14:34:02

I'm so sorry sad I second everything Imperial has said. Take your time, and be careful of hysterical bonding. It has its place in the healing process, but be very aware that that is what is happening.

ImperialBlether Sun 19-May-13 14:37:08

He said he was in for a shit day? How was that day to be spent - just with you and your children? What a fucking nerve.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:38:32

I am not sure I even want him in the same house as me right now let alone any 'bonding'.
Its never going to be the same again. I wonder if its better to call it quits now and save us heartache in the long term. But my lovely girls will be heartbroken, how can I do that to them???
If I fight for this marriage, what exactly am I fighting for?

I feel so deeply confused and so many emotions. I know I'm not making much sense but it is helping to write it down.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:39:28

With his mother too but yeah that really fucking stung.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:40:19

Imperial, are you still with your husband?

ImperialBlether Sun 19-May-13 14:41:18

I just wouldn't accept that a relationship that's gone on for six months hasn't involved sex. I just wouldn't.

Please don't ask him whether it's over. That is as much down to you as to him and don't ever let him forget that.

As far as asking who said they loved each other first - be very careful. Some men will think you're simply interested and will tell you all about it - thereby breaking you in even more pieces - and others won't tell you anything, leaving you to make it up in your own mind. Do you really want to know the answer to that question?

One thing that happened to me was that I felt I didn't know my own history any more. I had thought I was living one life when actually I was living another. Do you know what I mean? It's as though my life had been a film with me doing whatever I was doing and the audience knowing that I was completely deluded. He and she were the audience. It was unbearable and I still find that a real struggle (his affair lasted years.)

ImperialBlether Sun 19-May-13 14:43:39

No, mrscraig. I was with him from 17-40 and he was unfaithful throughout, though we did get along very well and I did have to kick him out. When I found out about the last one, I remember cringing, waiting for the body blow and it didn't come. I realised it didn't come because there was no connection between us any more. It was as though my body had realised it was over before my mind did, if that makes sense.

Now, I wouldn't forgive, ever. If someone who is supposed to love you and care for you can do that to you, then they are not the person you thought they were. I know others have different experiences but that was mine.

Vivacia Sun 19-May-13 14:44:18

I think everything you've said is normal and natural. And I know that you feel stupid, and I understand why, but really don't beat yourself up about that. It wasn't stupid to share your life lovingly and trustingly.

ImperialBlether Sun 19-May-13 14:45:03

You are not doing anything to your children. He is. Please don't think that if you decide to kick him out that you're the one destroying the family. He is and he has to accept that.

WakeyCakey Sun 19-May-13 14:45:45

I hope you're ok mrscraig!
Take everything nice and slowly and concentrate on what's best for you and the girls!
Does his mum know what's happened?

Have you eaten? I found before that I couldn't eat and felt physically sick but its obviously so important that you stay healthy.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:46:12

Yes that's gone through my mind. I feel so humiliated. I should have listened to my instincts, He made me distrust those.

I really thought he was different. We've pretty much grown up together. I thought I knew him better than anyone. I trusted him with my life.

I feel like a prize idiot.

Vivacia Sun 19-May-13 14:46:27

It would depend upon what he wanted, whether I could even contemplate not breaking up with him.

Vivacia Sun 19-May-13 14:47:36

"I feel like a prize idiot."

What's happened in the last six months doesn't negate the years and years that your relationship worked.

lemonstartree Sun 19-May-13 14:47:50

This mush be so hard. Don't make any decisions today, give yourself some space and a chance to think

Ultimtely your daughters will be fine whatever you do, as long as its honest

Be very very gentle with yourself

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:49:29

Thank you so much everyone, it means so much that you understand how I feel.

I can't even think about eating. I doubt his mum knows. They have a very emotionally distant relationship. I was quite surprised he went there initially. But now think he's too ashamed to go anywhere else.
His friends would be disgusted at him and probably as shocked as me.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:49:30

Thank you so much everyone, it means so much that you understand how I feel.

I can't even think about eating. I doubt his mum knows. They have a very emotionally distant relationship. I was quite surprised he went there initially. But now think he's too ashamed to go anywhere else.
His friends would be disgusted at him and probably as shocked as me.

Badvoc Sun 19-May-13 14:50:09

I think it's pretty likely they have slept together op, I am sorry.
Thing is, he has lied about so much, how on earth can you believe anything else he ever says?
The comment about how he was in for a shit day with You and his children is beneath contempt.

Xales Sun 19-May-13 14:50:52

You may have trusted him with your life more than you think.

Hard as it is to consider, please consider a trip to an STI clinic as soon as you can. Also if you do have sex with him again then make sure he uses condoms until he has had a visit too.

Cheaters tend to underplay what happened.

It was just a few texts.

It was a kiss.

It was a quick group and few more kisses.

OK we had sex but it was just the once and I felt so bad I had to stop/couldn't finish.

I think is is very rare from reading on here for a cheat to go OK you caught me we have been at it like rabbits 2/3 times a day whenever we got the chance.

Good luck.

Badvoc Sun 19-May-13 14:51:25

You are not the idiot here, op.
It's your h who has thrown away his marriage and children for a shag.

Vivacia Sun 19-May-13 14:51:40

When it comes to eating and sleeping, think about what advice you'd give to a good friend. You'd probably tempt them with the tastiest food you could think of to get them to just eat a little.

MadamFolly Sun 19-May-13 14:51:56

I'm sorry this has happened and he has betrayed you so badly.

Make sure he stays away for quite a while, you are too hurt to process this properly for at least a few weeks.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:52:07

I think I need to talk to him again.
Will have to take time off work I suppose. Have very important week ahead but doesn't seem so significant anymore.

Vivacia Sun 19-May-13 14:55:43

You could plan to take a couple of days off, but you might find by Tuesday that you really want to get back to work.

Badvoc Sun 19-May-13 14:56:45

Yes to time off.
Get yourself to the gp for an sti check and sick note.
As for food...just eat what you can tolerate, not a time to worry about diets or healthy eating! If you can only eat scrambled eggs then have that.

Primadonnagirl Sun 19-May-13 14:58:05

Absolutely awful for you. Sadly I've been there and the feelings you describe we're exactly how I felt. It's so painful and all I can say is take it one step at a time..you will cope althought you are reeling now .A few lessons from my experience ..
Ignore advice!!! Not really, but I mean only you know what's right for you and your family
All of your feelings are valid so don't feel you have to explain being angry, sad, resentful etc..
Don't rush anything..
You will be tempted to think what you could have done different etc..never blame yourself.
He will be lying to you bizarrely to spare your feelings! So don't believe anything he says about no sex etc..
We have stayed together and rebuilt our relationship. But on the basis that I would never never forgive him..I just decided to move past it.
It will take a long time I'm afraid and I don't think your relationship can ever be the same.Its down to him though to. Put in all the hard work
You will torture yourself with questions about her..but if you can resist the temptation to find anything out..she really isn't worth it.
Finally, don't bottle up your feelings..thy need to go somewhere..if you can't talk to anyone talk to us here xxxx

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:58:55

I cant believe this is happening to me, to my family.
I want to scream.
Thank you so much for being here.

Badvoc Sun 19-May-13 14:59:57

You are in shock op.
I am so very sorry this is happening to you.

roundwindow Sun 19-May-13 15:02:19

Just as you and others have said, don't underestimate the impact of the trauma. You are in shock. This is huge and you will be dealing with an emotional and physical reaction to match. You will not want to eat but in order to just keep yourself afloat (just!) then force something down, just a banana or something, you will hate every bite but forcing it down will just about get you through.

Take today and the following days half an hour at a time. Just try and reduce your tasks to the barest of possible essentials - DCs to school, clean uniforms for next day, etc. Then everything else: LEAVE IT. Rally as much practical support as possible with DCs. It is OK if you're going to pieces a bit at the moment!

And think about calling in sick at work. Just to give yourself space to give in to this awfulness and its completely understandable impact on your usual functioning. If sleeping is a problem, maybe see your GP to get some sleeping tablets just to get you through. You may only end up taking one once, but it could be that one night of sleep is just about enough to get you through the next days and weeks.

Most of all, hard as it is to believe at the moment: you WILL be ok

Hope this helps, sending loads of supportive wishes.

Vivacia Sun 19-May-13 15:03:18

There's nothing wrong with a good scream if that's what you feel you need.

Mosman Sun 19-May-13 15:07:43

I am three months down the line and could still take a baseball bat to his head daily I am that enraged.
It is like being physically shot or stabbed finding out.
You are in the driving seat now, never ever forget that.
And keep posting, it keeps RL is great but venting and pouring over the details is sometimes easier with strangers.
All the best my love, it will get easier whatever you decide, this is the worst you'll ever feel today.

countingto10 Sun 19-May-13 15:10:40

This website was very useful to me on discovery and the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass.

Right now you are in shock and need to look after yourself, get some legal advice as it will help to put some control back into your life when everything seems out of control. You don't have to act on that advice.

Do not make any life changing decisions whilst in shock (3 months is generally regarded as a good time, when the dust has settled, shock abated etc). Lean on family and friends, remember your "D"h is not your friend ATM.

Everything will be one day at a time for now so don't expect too much from yourself. Treat yourself and be a little selfish, new clothes, hairstyle, lots of bubble baths, anything to make yourself feel a little better. I survived on rich tea biscuits, popcorn and cups of tea for a couple of months so expect drastic weightless (could be a good or bad thing hmm).

Take care, think about what you really want and good luck.

skyeskyeskye Sun 19-May-13 15:28:11

so sorry for you. please dont believe anything that he says at the moment. he will be minimising it and trying to work out what to say.

I am twelve months on from my XH announcing that he no longer loved me and was leaving me, right out of the blue. it was a total shock. i begged him to come back and he did, for six weeks, only to leave again. I then discovered that he was texting his mates wife all through that time, well over 100 times a day. Everything was deleted so that i couldnt see anything, but I had the mobile bills listing it all. they were flirting on email, facebook, texts.

the sense of shock was awful and it takes some time to get used to it. I stopped eating and ended up on anti depressants. I have a 5 yo DD, barely 4 at the time that he left.

My XH was the last person in the world that I thought would do something like that, so I can understand how you feel.

You will go through shock, grief, anger, upset. You will feel sick, shaky, disorientated.

Get yourself signed off work if necessary. Do the minimum that you have to do to get through the day. Surround yourself with friends and family and MN to help you get through this.

i keep saying this at the moment, but you will get through it, one day at a time for now.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 19-May-13 16:02:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzabadger Sun 19-May-13 17:05:56

Drink milky sweet tea or coffee and cup-a-soups if you can face them to keep your energy up. Look after yourself.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 17:36:08

Thank you everybody. My mum has dropped girls back and they are being sweet obviously sensing something's up.
He has phoned to talk to them. I talked to him briefly but just so upset put phone down . I want him to know how deeply he has hurt me but at the same time to retain some semblance of dignity.
I have let work know I won't be in so have some serious thinking to do.
Am utterly bereft.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 17:54:04

Where do I stand legally? Both names on mortgage. He's not here at moment but what if he wants to come back? What then?
God I wish this was a bad dream and I would wake up from it soon.

Vivacia Sun 19-May-13 17:58:47

I would get some face-to-face legal advice on that, but look for advice on what to ask here.

Has he given any indication what he wants to happen? Perhaps that's a stupid question, as many have already said, you can't rely too much on what he says at the moment.

GretaBritain Sun 19-May-13 18:08:31

Mrs Craig, I cannot believe your post. I could have written it myself - the relationship, length, the dd's, I found out the same thing a few hours ago. I can't believe it. I'm physically shaking and my thoughts are everywhere. I haven't even read all of the thread yet. I'm so sorry for you and for me. Thank God for Mumsnet, I have no way of dealing with this or what is right. Going to confront him later, I feel sick. Sorry for the hijack but I will come back later. Got to go home and go through this. I'm devastated too.

Ledkr Sun 19-May-13 18:19:36

imperial has made some excellent points.
Just to add to the support I too was cheated on by my dh of 18 yrs. 4 kids one a baby girl we'd always wanted.
I felt like you "all my memories are with him" etc
Lost empty and frightened.
At first after the initial fury I wanted desperately to forgive him and carry on with life as I knew it. It's panic.
As time went by it became apparent that I was not a person who could do that.
I didn't want to compromise myself and become insecure and needy and that's how I felt.
I needed to be able to get older and be comfortable in my Scruffs with no make up on.
I didn't want to spend my life trying to keep him from cheating again.
I knew he'd go to her but I kind of thought he would do anyway.
Once I'd made that decision I found I felt much stronger.
I sorted out money and made a few nice plans to look forward to including a weekend away with my sisters.
I arranged childcare and went no contact with him to re charge my emotional coping bank.
I found I over romanticised out relationship at first, it took a few friends to remind me that he'd been a bit knobish lately.
You are in for a bumpy few weeks but you will get there.
Try not to get too run down. Eat a bit and try to sleep and relax.
You will be fine and so will your dds.
I had five brilliant years on my own enjoying my children and single life.
I'm now remarried to a hopefully better model so there is life after knobheads. Xxx

Ledkr Sun 19-May-13 18:20:51

You too gretabritain sending you some mn strength xx

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 18:37:03

Greta I am so so sorry xxx I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.
I think my heart has just returned to normal but I feel sick and shaken.
Lots of love to you, keep posting.
My mood has shifted in the last hour all I can think of is questions I need to know answers to.

DotCottonsHairnet Sun 19-May-13 18:43:51

MrsC - I am now almost 6 months into the same process.

I've been through so many emotions - good and bad. Today has been bad and I've been to see a friend who has the broadest shoulders and is always there for me. Hugged with her - drank tea and she's dusted me down yet again.

The upside of it all - I've lost the weight I've meant to loose for ages - I drag myself to the gym but once I am there I love it.

If you want to chat - PM me smile

Vivacia Sun 19-May-13 18:44:29

Did you have any suspicions, either of you?

DotCottonsHairnet Sun 19-May-13 18:45:09

Mine never has answered all my questions.

I do know he is now officially with the slapper he didn't leave me for - just left to have 'space'.

As for the 'bonding' thing - oh yes we did that - I am sure he wasn't thinking of me - mind you I wasn't thinking of him blush

DotCottonsHairnet Sun 19-May-13 18:46:17

I knew something wasn't right for a while but couldn't put my finger on it. However I happened to see a photo which made me suspicious and I went and checked his phone. Silly prat - texts & FB messages all there.

Viviennemary Sun 19-May-13 18:52:33

I'm really sorry. But people do get through this and manage to stay together if there is willingness on both sides. The lying will be hard to overcome though.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 18:52:55

He has been so cagey with his phone. Always had it on him really protective. Had been watching to work out pass code so had a look this morning. Couldn't believe what I was reading even checked to see it was his phone!!!
There were photos as well as texts. To add insult to injury she's only 25, I'm forty next year. God it's so fucking humiliating. He couldn't have hurt me anymore if he'd tried.

DotCottonsHairnet Sun 19-May-13 19:27:19

MrsCraig - there are rather a lot of similarities in our situations but I can't put more on here as I've an ex-relative thats taken to stalking me on the internet!!

We had the cagey phone thing too - prat hadn't got it locked but he did after I found the messages and he was swearing nothing was continuing hmm

ProphetOfDoom Sun 19-May-13 20:11:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 20:24:25

Thank you Matilda xx I don't know what I'm ready for but my gut instinct is there's no way back. He knows how I feel about infidelity he was there through the whole process of my parents marriage breaking down. The conversations we've had about the trauma it causes....
I don't know how I'd cope financially. He's always been of the one who has dealt with the financial side of our marriage so he could really fuck me over, I'm very worried about that.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 19-May-13 20:40:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 19-May-13 20:41:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shenanagins Sun 19-May-13 20:45:48

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. As for the financial side, go and get all the paper work tonight and tomorrow go and get copies of it all to be kept in a safe place, perhaps at your sisters or mums.

angel1976 Sun 19-May-13 20:58:34

mrscraig I feel for you. I am now almost 3 months down the line of my 'D'H dropping the bombshell that he no longer wants to be in the marriage. He moved out 6 weeks later and I am 6 weeks into the 'new' reality.

What you are feeling is very normal but don't do anything rash. I read Shirley Glass as well as 'I love you but I'm not in love with you..' And the advice is to wait at least 3 months before doing anything final. For me, the decision was taken out of my hands as H did not want to do anything to help our marriage, he had already decided on out being the option.

I couldn't eat for the first month, I cried every day. I had a stomachache every day (from the stress) despite barely eating, I lost lots of weight. I made sure I saw 1 of my 3-4 close friends I relied on almost everyday just to have a cry or talk things over. I am so damn grateful for their support in that time. We were together for 12 years and married for 10. On our 10th wedding anniversary, I took the kids away on a glamping trip I had booked for the whole family as H decided he no longer wanted to participate.

If you saw me today, you could hardly believe the quivering mess I was just 2 months ago. I made a few conscious decisions that has really help see me through these hard times:

1. My boys will come first. Every time I am tempted to do or say something awful to H, I stood back, took a deep breath and think about how my actions will affect the boys in the long run and is it worth it? That has really helped me stay calm on certain occasions.

2. Concentrated on practicalities. I've got some temporary lodgers in to 'test' out how I would feel about having lodgers as I could not afford this house by myself. Even though H is now paying the mortgage and bills, I cannot imagine he will do this long-term and even if he does, I still need money for the maintenance of the house. I thought I would hate sharing my home but I've been so lucky and have loved the 'guests' I have had so far. And my boys don't seem to mind too much either. I'm going to host a student from September onwards and take it from there. I've gathered all our financial statements and even though I first spoke to a recommended lawyer a month ago, I finally feel ready to go and see her tomorrow for a proper appointment so deep breaths!

And I am going to be positive and start concentrating on myself after years of putting H and DSs first. I've booked theatre, comedy and exhibition tickets for the next few months and I can finally see some positives coming out of this awful situation I am in. I still have bad days - today was one as I came home from the park with the boys to have both my next door neighbours playing happy families in their gardens. It broke my heart ever so slightly. But then, my lovely neighbour invited me and the boys over for a cup of tea and cake as it was her birthday and I had a lovely afternoon with them. Onwards and upwards.

Just take your time and be kind to yourself.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 21:53:26

Thank you for all the helpful advice. I have spoken to him tonight and he's very sorry. My instinct is sorry he's been found out. This sordid little affair was nowhere near to fizzling out.
How can I trust a word that comes out of his head. He even lied about her name.
I never thought something could hurt this much. My life is in tatters. I feel broken.

Thanks for offer of pm not sure how to do that. Will look into it tomorrow

Distrustinggirlnow Sun 19-May-13 22:10:37

I've also walked this rocky path that you have found yourself on.

It is horrible. I think you've done the right thing taking a bit of time off work. I took a couple of days too. A few months later more revelations came out and I took another few off.

The script, as someone's already said is that they minimise and then drip feed. Oh and conveniently 'forget' stuff.

I know how physically sick I felt, shaken too. I was then very angry, not in a shouty way, but in a very calm and controlled way.

If this is a deal breaker for you then that is fine..if its not then that's fine too.... Someone once said on here that the sex they could cope with, but the deceit, that was something else altogether....

That's what I felt too. My twunts fling lasted three weeks before I found out. He saw her twice but would email and chat in yahoo ( I know as I found the conversations)
I think they had sex both times they met. He says not, only once, oh well, that's alright then.

He broke it off as soon as I found out. Afaik she's never contacted him again. She was 16 years younger than me, but over weight. I'm tall and slim.... Even slimmer now!!

I'm thinking of u as I know your pain. PM me if you want to chat. wine

GretaBritain Sun 19-May-13 22:14:47

Mrs Craig, sorry for hijacking your thread but to say that these circumstances are similar are an understatment. I am a LONG time lurker, never post really but I am on here most nights....I have been scouring the relationship threads for the past few weeks trying to understand why my partner and I are so distant. Now I know. I still haven't confronted him...I will...but there have been factors why we have not been alone yet. I also want to read what is on his phone exactly before I say anything. My hands shook that much earlier that I could hardly read the texts never mind remember them!
Can anyone advise re the following...together 16 years, in house for 10, in his name, we have always meant to add both...how sorry am I now? We are not married. Jesus, what do I do? They've deffo had sex..those parts of the texts are burned into my brain...we haven't had sex for at least two years..yes I was going to post about that, how to restart it...the irony. Thanks to all who have posted to Mrs Craig...you all speak so much sense and it is all relevant to me too. I see a late night between me and my 'DH' (for want of a better description). I don't even feel angry, haven't cried, it is all a bit surreal. I have no clue what he may say when I confront him. Can I ask him to leave legally if house is in his name only? Even for a short while? Does anyone have any immediate advice?
My words are tumbling out here, heads a mess, any response gratefully received. x

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 22:34:50

Take care of yourself xxx good luck

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sun 19-May-13 22:48:24

Greta I would look into getting your name on the house asap. So sorry to both of you x

angel1976 Sun 19-May-13 22:51:26

GretaBritain Do you have kids together? Before you 'confront', can you find enough strength to gather as much financial documents as you possibly can and make copies and keep them safe? There's also a legal section here you can post on. I am sure others with much more legal knowledge will come along to post. Also, there are ways to 'save' or forward conversations to your own email. I think you will have more bargaining power if you have proof of infidelity. Like I said, others with more knowledge will post soon enough, maybe start your own thread? <Hugs>

mrscraig Mon 20-May-13 01:58:23

I can't sleep. I have never felt so low. Greta are you ok? Am worrying about you as well x
Am trying to rationalise that the worst day of my life is now over.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Mon 20-May-13 02:10:03

Sending you hugs mrscraig have you booked tomorrow off work?

mrscraig Mon 20-May-13 02:14:25

Thank you. Yes no work tomorrow he is coming over to pick up some more of his things. I don't know where he'll go after that.
I found out tonight she's a girl he works with so he lied about where she worked and how they met. So even if I contemplate giving it another go, he will still see her all the time.
I can't see woods for trees. He's broken me.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Mon 20-May-13 02:24:26

When you say that he lied about her name and where she works, do you mean that he lied today, after you found out about the affair?

mrscraig Mon 20-May-13 02:29:43

Yes he initially said she was a broker (someone he deals with not a direct colleague). Then after some detective work I found out who she actually is.
How he expects me to believe anything he says. How stupid am I though to believe him in first place?!! Someone said earlier he's not your friend at the moment, never a truer word spoken.

Rulesgirl Mon 20-May-13 03:50:56

Hi Mrs. Poor you. This is going to be the worst thing ever. Been where you are nine years ago. But here I am today still with my dh and the relationship is so much better than it was before his affair. It can work out and it can be better but you have to go through this process of change and growth over the next few months before you are in a better place. I didn't want some woman walking off with the man I love so I decided to change things and not go down without a fight. I turned it completely around. Try and take each day as it comes. YOU WILL feel better eventually.thanks

Mosman Mon 20-May-13 05:38:05

I took the phone and his it down my pants and watched whilst he flapped around like a loony trying to find it. Highly recommend that course of action for entertainment value if nothing else. I then bought some online software that allows you to see every text sent or received even the deleted ones.
Once I had that I sat back for 9 weeks and waited for the drip feeding.

Mosman Mon 20-May-13 05:39:32

Hid it down my pants I meant - for god sake turn the ringer off if you do that though :-)

mrscraig Mon 20-May-13 06:46:14

Wow mosman you'd make a great spy.
I slept for about an hour then woke to a wall of pain. Just tried to force some cereal down my throat but threw it straight back up.
He must really fucking detest me to put me through this. I thought he was my soul mate. I feel so gullible and naive.
Greta how are you?

Vivacia Mon 20-May-13 06:49:21

You really aren't gullible to love MrsC, I think it takes bravery to risk opening yourself up. I can't imagine life otherwise, despite past betrayals. Hope you keep getting support today (here and/or elsewhere). I'm thinking of both you and Greta.

mrscraig Mon 20-May-13 06:58:04

Rules girl- How did you get past the lying. That's the hardest thing, the lies he has been telling and I have just been sucking them up. I hate how he has made me into this 'thing', this cliche of a wronged wife. That's not who I am.

mrscraig Mon 20-May-13 07:00:46

Thanks vivacia. I am so grateful for all the support I've had on here. It's been incredible.

Suesue22 Mon 20-May-13 07:12:00

All your emotions are normal your world has been turned upside down. I don't know how you can get past the lies some people can I know I couldn't as the trust was broken. Mind yourself and get as much support as you can.

countingto10 Mon 20-May-13 07:21:15

You really just have to take one minute, one hour at a time ATM. And I am sure you won't be able to eat properly for days/weeks. You can mend your marriage but it takes works and commitment on both sides. And I didn't get the whole awful truth for about six months after discovery when DH felt "safe" within our relationship - I got the important stuff almost immediately but something that was a very big betrayal at the time, he couldn't admit (to himself mainly as it was such a betrayal).

I am a person who needed to know everything, who had seen them together, where they have been together, what he had bought her (with family money), who knew about it etc etc.

My DH actually moved in with the ow without me knowing (needed his space, staying with friends hmm. He dumped her as soon as I found out the truth and moved in with his parents and stayed there for about 4 months. We both decided that we owed it to the DCs to try and repair the marriage and committed to that. Went to relate for 6 months, solo counselling for DH as well (massive mid life crisis and childhood issues), dated during separation, he spent time building his relationship with the DCs. It is 4 yrs on now and we do have a better marriage, we communicate better as we both have stressful lives running own business, DCs with SNs etc. We both take time for ourselves now (I took up horse riding again, DH joined gym, took tennis etc).

You have to do want you need to do. I will never forget what he put me through but I have forgiven (for myself mainly). And I doubt I will ever trust anyone 100% ever again sad.

You can't go around the pain, you have to go through itsad so treat yourself gently and don't expect too much.

Thinking of you, it was truly the worst experience of my life so far.

Badvoc Mon 20-May-13 07:47:40

You are spot on op.
He is not sorry he had done it.
But I am sure he is very sorry he has been found out!

sophiedoggy Mon 20-May-13 07:49:15

I'm so sorry that you are going through this - I am too. Friday I discovered on his phone bill 30 or so texts everyday to a number. Most texts are first thing in the morning 6ish and last thing at night. Discovered who the person is on Saturday. Although our relationship has had ups and downs, over the last 2 months he really changed and over last 4 weeks he has been really horrible at times. I get blamed for everything wrong in the relationship and he talks to me like I am a piece of rubbish - not all the time just sometimes. He also barely speaks to me or joins in conversations. There is no doubt in my mind as to what is happening and it isn't a nice thought. I am trying to gather more evidence in anticipation of his excuses. Worst of all we have 2 little children 3 and 5 and he has had little interest in them. He has texted the other woman whilst he was supposed to be looking after his children. It is an awful situation and I really feel for you. It is them that have lost out. Nothing excuses that behaviour and we all deserve men that treat us right. I am not looking forward to sorting out access to children etc - the thought makes me sick. sending you hugs x

sosooootired Mon 20-May-13 07:52:49

I'm so sorry mrscraig, I've been there too sad

That horrible moment when you wake suddenly and it all hits you again. It's the shittiest thing a person can do to another. I'm 18 months on and haven't a lot of positives to share..for the first 6 months I lost my mind. Looking back I wish I had just thrown him out, taken some tranquilisers to ease the pain and started afresh.
Try not to panic about the big decisions right now, you don't have to decide what you are going to do yet.

There is one indisputable fact - your DH must fight to save his marriage if it is to happen.

countingto10 Mon 20-May-13 08:01:14

I think that is the point, the DH has to try and repair this - there really is no room for ambivalence at this time. I knew my DH had issues so gave him the space to sort himself out but he was committed to me, the DCs and the marriage. He went out of his way to help me heal, I had full access to all emails, texts, bank acs, Facebook was deleted, second phone destroyed. He booked weekends away, arranged the babysitters etc (before all this would have been left to me).

The affair is all to do with them, their issues, arrogance, self entitlement, selfishness, self esteem boosts etc, etc. If you look back at your marriage you will probably find behaviours that point to this attitude but it was easier to overlook - now you can't sad. There are so many facets to an affair eg my DH was friends with a man with dubious morals who condoned his behaviour, other friends would have called him on it. He now surrounds himself with friends of our marriage IYSWIM.

This article is very useful - it helps to explain the types of affair and look up "the script" on here, you will realise you weren't going mad.

Take care.

onaroll Mon 20-May-13 08:07:31

MrsC & Greta ,
I am another who has been in your shoes.
It's almost a year since he came home and told me ( I didn't discover the affair).
I'm a lurker on here , at the time I didn't post my story as I was scared the 'OW' would read and recognise me - I grew strength from reading others post and advise they got .

OW was also a much younger, attractive single close work colleague - of his.

He told me , I broke. She had decided that she would not be a mistress she wanted him full time and for him to leave me. He believed that too, hence why he was telling me. She had taken the week off work for him to move his stuff in.
We had been together over 20 yrs and married for nearly 18 - with 2 children.

We are still together, she left the company pretty quickly when she was told there was no chance of 'them' - but while she was there it made me feel sick.

It has obviously not been easy to get where we are today, it would of been emotionally easier for him to have left. I have felt every emotion going and then some. I wasn't drip fed, got the whole sordid lot in the 1st few hours and days, never would of thought I would of 'accepted' infidelity and stayed in my marraige.

Today I feel stronger and happier than I did a year ago, I have started to please myself again rather than my family mostly. I have grown, I see my own strength and acknowledge that I could be with out him and still be happy and survive - I have a back up plan now so if I want to leave the marriage I could and comfortably.
Our marriage now is different to before, it's more honest - we communicate more, make more time for each other . It seems more grown up in that it can't be taken for granted anymore. It's also more fun than for years.
I value myself more now - at the time I told him that 'she' may be younger, attractive, fun etc but I knew I was better than her : as I had standards and morals that would not allow me to sink to sleeping with another womans husband - then demand he leaves her. Also , I was shocked he found that quality attractive and he was lower than me too.
I made all the plans for divorce, got support and made him tell his parents the first night.

I am surprised we are still together - he fought harder than me for this.
For now it's is 'working' but if either of us becomes unhappy; it will end.

Sorry this got so long, I wish you both some sleep, some appetite and also to think about what you want to happen. It is not his choice alone- this is where you begin to realise your own worth rather than let him knock you down further . Xx

mrscraig Mon 20-May-13 08:26:15

Thank you for all your support.
It will be interesting to see what he has to say for himself when he gets home today .
I just dropped girls off at school and then let out the loudest scream ever (in car i might add) . My throat is a bit sore now but it felt good.
I feel lost but my god so bloody angry.

mrscraig Mon 20-May-13 08:31:24

Sophie doggy hope you're ok. I know this sounds terrible but I think I could cope better than this if he'd died.
I feel like he has died in a way . It's the deliberateness, did he not consider the consequences? He must have done then decided she was worth it and I was not.

onaroll Mon 20-May-13 08:37:54

Mrsc - I understand that emotion , I have lost both my parents there was no choice on their part to die. Knowing he had a choice to do this or not is harder to accept and move on from. It hurts like hell. X

DotCottonsHairnet Mon 20-May-13 08:44:43

It is lovely to hear that some can repair from this situation but I know I could not.

I meant every word of my vows and have stuck by them.

I could never love a man who has cheated on me and abandoned me and my children. Luckily the friends he has now all have low morals - those who have done the same. The lovely married ones have all dropped him like a stone.

The new woman is welcome to him - so sad she couldnt get her own man and had to pinch a married one. Two low moralled people together.

mrscraig Mon 20-May-13 10:27:03

Just made decision he is going to stay with a friend for a few days so ill have some breathing room. He is very sorry and desperate to try again.
Just don't know what to do or what to bbelieve

PostBellumBugsy Mon 20-May-13 10:29:41

mrscraig, I was in your situation over 10 years ago.

My advice to you at this particular moment is to take your time. You need to let the rush of emotion run through you. You are going to feel lots of emotions coursing through you & you need to let that happen before you can make any kind of sensible decision about what to do next.

It is ok to say to him that you cannot think straight and you need some time to adjust to the awful shock you have had.

NotReallyFunctioning Mon 20-May-13 10:30:11

MrsCraig hope you are ok ((((hugs)))).

Just wanted to say that I could have exactly written your post sad I found out about an affair 3 weeks ago - though the affair was in fact 5 years ago. We too have been together for 17 yrs and have two DDs 10 and 7.

I haven't kicked him out (yet) as I am worried about the kids' reaction (and he has nowhere close to go) and that makes me feel like I am a weak, desperate woman angry

I have to say that I am really struggling to keep going but luckily have family close by and a great friend on the phone.They are the only two people I have told and without them I would not have survived so I hope you have some RL support. Sleeping an eating are hard and I have lost a stone in 4 weeks.

Everything you have said sounds like me - esp the bit about thinking it would be easier if he had died - I totally feel the same sad

My counsellor said to be prepared to feel a rollercoaster of emotions and to know that is ok and normal. THat helps not to make me think I am going crazy but I just wish I could turn back time.

Look after yourself as we travel this seemingly-impossible journey together flowers

Vivacia Mon 20-May-13 10:42:20

MrsC does that mean he doesn't want to be with her and wants to be with you?

mrscraig Mon 20-May-13 10:44:49

I know its so hard isn't it. Glad thinking you would prefer someone you love dead is sort of normal. It's amazing what becomes normal in an abnormal situation.
I feel relatively calm at the moment. But I'm finding my emotions and feelings change minute by minute.

mrscraig Mon 20-May-13 11:02:05

Yes he says he realises what a massive mistake he's made, wasn't thinking straight and more than anything wants to make it up to me.
Just don't know what to think, am all over the place.
He's left now. What's gnawing away at me is that it would have carried on and on and then what. I know I can't stake my life and future on what ifs but I will never know for sure.
I do feel in control of my future though which is the first time in years.

mrscraig Mon 20-May-13 11:06:46

I know what you mean about weak and desperate. How wrong is it though that that is how we feel when they're the bloody weak ones!!!
Am sure you can now detect my emotions barometer has now swung to anger again! Xx

Moominsarehippos Mon 20-May-13 11:21:57

You will be angry, then desperate, then bloody angry, then sad (then if you are like me, sleepy).

Try to take a step back and think what you want. No cutting off your nose to spite your face (either way). What would you advise your best friend/sister in the same situation?

You know him better than anyone I suspect, and only you can make the call as to if/when he comes back through your door and if you choose/can forgive him.

Don't feel 'guilted' into making a decision. Don't rush it either. Take your time, let the dust and emotions settle.

I would probably take DH back but make his life a living hell. Not nice but I find it so hard to forgive and forget.

NotReallyFunctioning Mon 20-May-13 11:30:45

Yes - that's the ridiculous thing.

I feel like writing on my hand '.......but HE is the weak one - HE CHOSE to have an affair' so that I can read it to myself during whatever stupid thing I am tormenting myself with.

Anyway hope you can take your time and glad you feel a bit in control. Be prepared for it to change though.

On top of all of this crap I am trying to prepare for a job interview tomorrow - not worked properly for 7 years and not had an interview for 15 yrs - eek! I would cancel but I feel that I don't want him fucking over my career too - does that make sense? The only bonus......the stone I have lost in weight means I look much better in my interview outfit!

HmmmWhatAMess Mon 20-May-13 11:36:08

I just wanted to send you some strength having been in the same situation as you a few months ago. What is important is that you focus on you and your children. If he wants you he isn't going to go anywhere, although I would take his offer to stay with his mother with some suspicion.

I an still with my DH following his affair. He have me what I thought was the truth and the lies just kept coming. I now believe the truth is out and like onaroll I am thinking so much more of myself and strangely enough we get on better. I have started to place myself financially better for a future alone (just in case) and he knows this.

Whatever you choose to do I wish you the best. It really is a awful situation to be in and none of your own making.

Keep posting on here because the ladies helped me no end.

mrscraig Mon 20-May-13 11:43:47

Thank you xxx your strength and wisdom is helping me no end ladies.
Thanks for holding my hand but be prepared for another ear chewing. I feel the pendulum is swinging again.

familyscapegoat Mon 20-May-13 12:04:35

During your breathing space, think about what answers you need. We're all different, but these were the best ones for getting what information I needed:

When did you first meet her (affairs start from that point)
How did it move from friendship to affair territory and when did that happen?
How did you give yourself permission to do this?
What do you remember thinking were your justifications for it at that time?(the longer an affair goes on and the worse the relationship therefore becomes at home, the more unreliable the justifications become)
What took place?
What contraception if any was used?
Who knew?
What impression did you give of me and our relationship? (yields more than focusing on words used)
Why do you think you did this?
What expectations did she have about the future? What expectations did you have?

There was also a really good one I only asked later on after finding it in the Shirley Glass book, which was:

What side of yourself did you enjoy showing to her? (i.e. romantic, sexual, protective, paternal)

One more bit of advice. You might think that he was unhappy and then had an affair.

You might be wrong.

It is just as likely to be that he was feeling fine about your relationship until he had an affair.

So don't project and don't react.

Listen to the answers and go away and think about them, having written it all down. This is really, really important.

Looksgoodingravy Mon 20-May-13 12:09:10

So sorry you are going through this Mrscraig, I've walked this path too (just over a year ago) and know how hard this is for you at the moment.

I will second the minimising. Dp initially 'drip fed' details until I found something more on his phone, he then told me the whole sorry mess, even things I could never have possibly known or got to know about.

I would also guess that they've also had sex, sorry sad

Everything you are feeling atm is totally normal. You will go through a rollercoaster of emotions.

RL support is what you need right now and of course great support from MN.

I am still with dp. We worked through the mess. It's still a hard path to choose and I still have moments of anger but they're only 'flashes' rather than days.

Be kind to yourself, give yourself time to grieve the relationship you thought you had and then once the fog has lifted you may know more of what you want for the future, whether this is with or without your partner.

clam Mon 20-May-13 12:09:49

"Yes he says he realises what a massive mistake he's made, wasn't thinking straight"
No, it's far too early for him to be making such statements. You haven't even begun to show him what a mistake he's made.

Looksgoodingravy Mon 20-May-13 12:09:57

I would also second the recommendation of the Shirley Glass book Just 'Good Friends'.

mummytime Mon 20-May-13 12:13:23

Try to keep eating. Milk Shakes or Slim Fast can be good enough if you really can't keep anything down.

Anger is good! If you have it, use it to: pack up his stuff into bin bags and dump somewhere, garage?
Collect together important documents: certificates, copies of all Mortgage, Bank and Insurance statements, try to get copies of pension etc.

He needs to stay out of the house for a reasonable amount of time (3+ months) to give you time to sort out how you feel and what you think. If he really wants to mend the marriage he should agree to this, otherwise it shows how little effort he is prepared to put in.

Do not let him blame you. It was his choice.

Vivacia Mon 20-May-13 12:30:10

Just lots of positive thoughts from me. I think it's good that he wants to come back because it gives you one more option to consider. However, I also worry that he might change his mind. It comes back to what was said upthread about him not being your friend (sole mate, confidante etc) at the moment. That's not to say you can't get back to that at some point though.

One minute at a time, lots of space to think and no rash decisions.

NotReallyFunctioning Mon 20-May-13 12:35:05

Thank you MN.

All the posts here - those of us who have 'just found out' and the ever insightful stuff from people further down the road - makes me realise that I am not the only one.

Over the last 3 weeks I have started to imagine (irrationally, I know) that everyone else is in amazing, perfect relationships and I am the only one in this hellish place.

countingto10 Mon 20-May-13 12:42:41

I am afraid the world and his wife knew about my DH's affair - he shit on his own doorstep unfortunately sad and my Dsis (who meant well and was furious on my behalf) told most of her work colleagues who were also mothers at the school gate. But out of all that I had some lovely ladies come up to me and tell me their stories and what they did, they genuinely wanted to help and advise. One couldn't even look at her H and told him to leave and they now have an extremely good co parenting relationship (the ow was history long ago now) and another stayed with her DH with the help of counselling and she told me to do what I wanted and not what others expected of me which is extremely good advice.

Do not rush anything and wait to hear what he has to say for himself, do not try and fill in any gaps in conversation, keep the silence and let him talk, this is for him to try and fix if that is what YOU want.

Remember this too will soon pass ladies smile

Upnotdown Mon 20-May-13 12:47:35

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm 10 months down the line and I have days where I feel so,so hurt and angry.

Circumstances are pretty similar to yours but I had an anonymous phone call to let me know what was going on. DH said it had been going on for a month. Only kissed. That went to a few months, to a year to 2 years. And they'd done a lot more than kissed. (She backed him up on all of this too, btw).

It was all complete escapism on his part but she took it all pretty seriously (his fault) and the whole situation was a mess. I told him to go which he did for 6 weeks. We are working through things and have a better relationship now than we've had for years (together for 20). However, if he'd been nice and normal with me for those two years I couldn't have coped with that. I had withdrew almost as much as him, I threw myself into my work and he threw himself into someone else's bed. And that's really fucking hard to swallow.

Just remember (for your sake) that you can't take him back and then beat him around the head with it. It will destroy you. Give yourself enough time to figure out if you can move past past it or if you're prepared to try and move past it. If you really can't see a way through it then save yourself the hassle and take a different route and never, ever blame yourself for him having an affair.He had other choices - she wasn't holding a gun to his head xx

mrscraig Mon 20-May-13 12:48:55

It is times and situations like this when mn comes into its own. I really don't know what I would have done in the last 24hours especially in the middle of the night when I was wailing like a newborn baby.
Thank you for all the collective wisdom. I have a lot to think about but I do have choices . I will not let them break me.
(Pendulum now on defiant emotion x)

skyeskyeskye Mon 20-May-13 12:57:03

you have been well advised on here. don't make any rash decisions, your H needs to accept he is at fault and deal with whatever you throw at him. Only you can decide if you want to give the marriage another go or not, you have had both sides of the story on here and everybody is being quite calm about it in giving you advice.

I begged my XH to come back, but in reality, I don't know if I could have ever trusted him again if he had.

But it is a decision that you and only you can make and it is not a decision that you want to rush in to.

I don't know why they keep lying once they are found out. I suppose they think that the less you know the more likely you are to take them back again.

ProphetOfDoom Mon 20-May-13 18:33:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

akaWisey Mon 20-May-13 18:59:16

mrscraig I've been there too.

I almost don't want to say this but treat his 'going to stay with a friend' with doubt unless you know for sure where he is.

familyscapegoat Mon 20-May-13 18:59:52

"Your H believes/believed himself in love with someone else this morning (sorry) until you, finding out, burst the little bubble he was living in."

That might not be strictly true though. A lot of men tell the OW what she wants to hear in order to keep the affair going, but know that they are telling lies.

Which, from a character point of view is actually worse than a man who genuinely believes himself to be 'in love'. Telling lies to an OW shouldn't be of any comfort to a wife and what needs exploring is why a man feels entitled to lie to both women.

But the OP shouldn't necessarily take these words of love she read at face value. They might be yet another lie.

BigBlockSingsong Mon 20-May-13 19:04:21

I think you need to keep in mind how you found out, you found the texts, he didn't tell you and had made no effort to come clean in the last 7 months. So really he has no remorse, he is sorry he has been caught.

big hugs this must be awful, and yeah I don't accept 7 months and not sleeping together.

could you contact her do some digging?

mrscraig Mon 20-May-13 22:01:53

I really don't want to give her the satisfaction, I don't want to talk to her.
She is not worthy of my time.
Am feeling calmer tonight am going to see a solicitor tomorrow. I want all the facts in front of me before I can even come close to making a decision.
I spoke to him tonight. He is begging, pleading and making promises.
I have said I can't make a decision yet. I do know he is remorseful though so at least that's a start.
I hope I can sleep tonight. I haven't been able to so far and desperate for some respite. I am so tired.

mrscraig Mon 20-May-13 22:16:53

Not really functioning- best of luck in your interview tomorrow. Bet you look fab in your suit xx
Right definitely off to bed now....

debtherat Mon 20-May-13 22:33:17

I am 5 months on from similar bombshell - became almost manic and still feel grief at what was said, messages, poems, letters and gifts - some of it v.much live on cheat book, photo websites. Lack of sleep a big problem - took advice from here of writing down feelings, physical exercise - looking for exhaustion to help with sleep. Self preservation kicks in but still struggle with waking in early hours and knowing what I have lost and can never be regained. I feel like an innocent in world which glorifies cheating, flirting and feel v. old and 2nd rate. .. OH is looking to move on and forward with me but doubt the authenticity, his commitment - too convenient? I pray you will get several hours of restorative sleep and wake up feeling stronger and able to cope...

Rulesgirl Tue 21-May-13 01:07:40

You asked me earlier upthread how I coped with the lies......at the time everything was awful and you don't know whats lies and whats not. These men believe themselves "in love" but what they really are is "in lust" and generally given enough time most affairs will blow out once the man has got to know the real woman not her best version that she presents to him. When it was all new I was in shock and couldn't believe it. Went through everything the other ladies went through. Then after a month I started to feel stronger and had decided I had had enough of listening to his shit. I started having my own life again and started to feel ok about myself and that if I had to be on my own that it would be ok. The stronger I got the more attractive I became I guess. He started dating me again and after a period of time when I just knew that the man I married was back ( and not the weird man that I didn't know) I decided that I would prefer to start a new relationship with him than start dating someone else. As others have said, once you decide to do this you have to let go of all the past and start afresh. And you know what....this is a better relationship. As someone else said....its more grown up and proper. We talk as equals and really really enjoy each other. Sex is so much better and I love and appreciate him so much more....and I see that he is a very attractive man rather than just my husband. We had been together for twenty years and I think that after that amount of time and having kids, you just lose each other and you lose yourself and the woman you once were. Sometimes although its awful, an affair is a big wake up call for both of you. And its a very hard lesson that relationships, even when you have been together for all those years, do need to be kept fresh and you need to keep growing yourself as a person and do and try different things. So, although it was awful, (understatement!!!) I like myself more now than I did before the affair. I really do. I am actually a happier person and enjoy life now and am glad that this man and I are still together and in love all over again.
I know that its not for everyone but as I said in my earlier post, I decided to fight for my marriage and to fight this other woman who thought that she had him. I played her at her own game until she became the nagging, insecure woman as he started wanting to be with me more and more and more. BUT.....even though I made my goal to get him back, along the way I became stronger, more powerful and more happier with me. Not letting the other woman win just gave me a focus. I know you shouldn't blame the other woman and I understand why people say that, but these woman do know exactly what they are doing. Women are more calculating and devious and if a man is having relationship troubles there are women out there who jump in and play upon their emotions and make them feel sooo good about themselves and flatter them and tell them how gorgeous and strong and clever they are and ask them for help and advice. All the things we tend to stop doing in a long relationship. Of course the men should be stronger and not so easily turned by these women but as you can see by all the ladies posting with their stories.....it happens a lot.
Sorry its so long, once you start writing about it, it just takes on a life of its own.
,

springymater Tue 21-May-13 01:14:34

I'm so sorry you're in such awful pain. I had a terrible betrayal about 18 months ago and I took ADs. They were a lifesaver. I'm coming off them now - gradually (so important to do it gradually) - but they got me through a terrible time and I'm so grateful they are available. They sort out your sleep and keep the right brain chemicals pumping as you grapple with the awfulness. Please see your GP because you are in shock and may benefit from some tranqs for a few days to take the edge off these awful early days. You can only get a few prescribed (my GP gave me 3) so you needn't worry about them becoming a habit.

Take care xx

mrscraig Tue 21-May-13 05:59:27

Thank you, will go and see gp after dropping girls at school. I've had some sleep at least but I feel ill.
Rulesgirl, your post has really resonated with me. It has given me a ray of hope. If I strip back all the torrent of emotions i am feeling, the truth is I love him so much. I don't know if I can envisage my life without him. I am so confused, I lurch between wanting him back to telling him its over constantly. As soon as I feel I want him back I immediately think I don't and vice versa. It helps so much to write this down, it gives me a shred of clarity.
He has been going through a tough time at work and she was no doubt doing and saying all the things I wasn't. But it hurts so much to think I would have, if he had just given me the chance.
I really am not making any sense am I??

NotReallyFunctioning Tue 21-May-13 06:17:10

morning mrscraig! how did u sleep last night?
I was up prepping interview stuff til 2am but still woke at 5 with the usual thought process:
' oh what a lovely morning, oh shit, no, I remember, my husband wanted someone else not me and my life is a screw up' sad
thanks for the interview wishes .... its so not what I feel like doing now but I have to try.
I know what u mean about the confused state - I swing from wanting to punch him and thinking that he isnt worth the effort to knowing that I love him and would cling onto him to stop him leaving if he tried. I just wish it could all go away.
hope your meeting with solicitor brings you some sense of control and understanding your options.

mrscraig Tue 21-May-13 06:24:44

Thanks x good luck. Let us all know how it goes. Will be thinking of you.
I am so grateful to have had some sleep but as soon as I wake up it hits me all over again. Hard. Like a punch to the stomach.

Like you, I wish it could just go away.

Vivacia Tue 21-May-13 06:46:36

Good to hear you both had at least a little sleep. MrsC did you say your at the doctors and solicitors today? Good luck to you both.

mrscraig Tue 21-May-13 06:57:49

Yes. Will take the advice if seeing if there's something I can get to calm me down. There is a drop in family law advisory centre nearby that runs sessions on a tues evening, will pay them a visit too.
I think I need all the facts so I can assess my options.
Thanks so so much for all the care I've had on here. I don't feel so alone.

countingto10 Tue 21-May-13 07:26:11

Mrscraig, have you told anyone in rl yet? You really can't beat rl support, my Dsis was wonderful when it happened to me, coming after work to help me with the DCs etc.

Vivacia Tue 21-May-13 07:56:29

Although it might be awkward with the in-laws. I wonder what his mum has been led to believe.

I'm 3 years down the line since I found out, he finished it before I found out as he realised it had gotten out of hand but she very kindly decided I had to be enlightened , he has been amazing since then and the most devoted husband I could ask for and I know he loves me but I don't know something still hurts so much it creeps into every day , I thought I was over it and we have since got married and had another baby,
But really my heart is broken and cannot ever be repaired .

I'd make sure you at least get him to move out for a while, I wish I'd had some space at the time, I'm glad we are still together but I regret not having the space to think and beware of the hysterical bonding if you let him back into bed again.

captainmummy Tue 21-May-13 08:10:51

Good Luck mrsC and NotreallyFunctioning.
Rulesgirl gives some good advice - if you are happy with yourself as you are, your life will become better. Basically if you think of yourself as a woman, as you, not as just a wife, not just a piece of the furniture, not jsut a clingy housewife, your whole outlook becomes more positive, and he might look back and find the grass greener where you are. (If that's what you want - personally, and this is just me, i would kick him so far and so fast there is no coming back. )

mrscraig Tue 21-May-13 08:14:45

Yes my mum and sisters know and have been brilliant. They are there for me, we're a very close family.
They are also in shock, they've known my husband since he was a boy and cant believe what has happened. At least it wasn't just me who feels betrayed, it further validates my feelings and sense of shock in a way.

mrscraig Tue 21-May-13 08:18:37

Thank you fifty, I have been surprised with the amount of people saying they have got through it. I thought I'd have a lot more 'kick the bastard out' type responses .
The thing that is gnawing away at me most is that it was in full swing.
Nowhere near petering out. It's only that I found out its finished. That realisation actually physically hurts.

lovesfastcars Tue 21-May-13 09:26:09

Hi Mrs C
Not posted before, but I can identify completely with your pain. I discovered my husbands affair two months ago, that too was in 'full swing' I can honestly say I understand the term 'heartache' now, as it felt like a physical blow in the chest area. I was unable to breathe, nauseaus, angry, devastated, numb etc etc. a flood of oh so many emotions at once that it feels really overwhelming doesn't it
The best advice I got was from a wonderful friend who held me while I sobbed , didn't judge and advised me to take things a day at a time., Accept that I was going to hurt, and to be gentle and kind with myself.
It is not easy, but everything is about YOU now. What you need, what you want etc.. The first week was the worst for me. I was completely unable to function initially, but things are getting a bit clearer and easier every day.
I still don't know how things will work out. Sometimes I love him so much, yet other times I can hardly bear to look at him. Only you can know the right path for you, and either way it is a long one!
Sending you strength and good vibes, please don't feel alone because there are so many of us suffering at the hands of these weak and selfish men.

mrscraig Tue 21-May-13 09:54:03

Loves fast cars- is your husband at home now? You describe the physical pain so accurately. I went for a walk after dropping girls off, only to the shop and felt so so weak. It felt like a huge step, I was actually shaking at one point, thought I was going to be sick.
I am so angry. Look at what he's reduced me to , I'm like a shadow of myself. He really couldn't have hurt be more if he'd tried.
My mum and sister will be here soon, I need someone to just hold me and let me wail.

DotCottonsHairnet Tue 21-May-13 10:19:43

MrsC - Mums and sisters will help - mine have a lot despite their own problems in life.

Have read lots of good advice on this thread and am going to work hard on some of it. I want my ex to look back one day and see what he has lost - two wonderful children being the biggest loss. Me? I intend to enjoy my new life - make up for the years I spent dancing to his tune and hey perhaps one day find someone new smile

mrscraig Tue 21-May-13 10:50:27

Good for you!
Let's hold hands along the way.
I don't know what the future holds in store but I am not going to let him destroy me or influence my decision. I have to be strong and make sure I do what is best for my family.

lovesfastcars Tue 21-May-13 10:57:23

Yes, he is at home. A week after discovery, when I was a bit more physically and mentally ok (just a bit!) I asked him to leave to respect my need for bit of time and space. He did so, and I can honestly say that it was the best thing I could possibly have done.
He was gone for a week, not long I know, but it was essential for me to 'grieve' as it were. It felt just like a horrible bereavement. The week for him was complete hell apparently. He was faced with the reality of the possible consequences of what he had done, and has been very remorseful and trying so hard to show me etc ever since. Be very wary of making snap decisions either way. It is very easy to get swept up in the turmoil of emotion that has been created. I have tried to be as honest and dignified as possible, having told him that I have no idea wt the moment if I will be able to commit to the marriage. I have given myself three months before I reassess how I feel. It really is about looking after yourself and your kids at the moment.
You CAN get through this, baby steps. Never feel unworthy or that this was in any way your fault. My husband was flattered by the attentions of a young,pretty co worker who 'had problems at home' it was a damsel in distress type scenario with him playing 'hero' Pathetic really! I still feel all the emotions, but they are slowly becoming less intense and allconsuming.
Feel for you, it really is hideous, but we can and will survive!

Scarletohello Tue 21-May-13 11:30:57

Have read all the posts and honey I really feel for you. So glad you have some good rl support, that's so important. Keep posting on here, we'll all help you get through this, wherever you decide to do. Just take it one day at a time and keep breathing! Big hugs to you...

Mosman Tue 21-May-13 12:46:40

*When did you first meet her (affairs start from that point)
How did it move from friendship to affair territory and when did that happen?
How did you give yourself permission to do this?
What do you remember thinking were your justifications for it at that time?(the longer an affair goes on and the worse the relationship therefore becomes at home, the more unreliable the justifications become)
What took place?
What contraception if any was used?
Who knew?
What impression did you give of me and our relationship? (yields more than focusing on words used)
Why do you think you did this?
What expectations did she have about the future? What expectations did you have?
What side of yourself did you enjoy showing to her? (i.e. romantic, sexual, protective, paternal)*

I have the answers to all of these and am none the bloody wiser in all honesty.

Probably because it's all so friggin ridiculous. I have texted and emailed the OW from his phone/account pretending to be him, everything he tells me she collaborates and they are not in touch - i have his phone and email account.

I wonder whether it's even worthwhile picking over the bones of it all tbh

mrscraig Tue 21-May-13 14:49:50

I think you're right time apart can help you think .
I've booked a last minute holiday, we are off to sunny Spain on Saturday. Just me and my lovely girls. We can relax and I can use the time to get my head together and work out what I'm going to do.
Thanks for all your kind wishes and advice. I am eternally grateful.

Vivacia Tue 21-May-13 14:57:27

What a great idea MrsC, I think you're being very dignified and brave. All the best.

PostBellumBugsy Tue 21-May-13 14:57:40

As someone with alot of perspective on the discovery (10 years), I would strongly advise you not to ask questions where the answers or details of the answers will be a source of mental torture for years to come. I really wouldn't ask what impression he gave of the marriage to the OW. You can take it as read, that he won't have been bigging it up. Do you really want to have to hear what he discussed with the OW?

Work out what matters now.
Is it a deal breaker if he had sex with the OW, or is an EA enough?
Could you trust him again?
Will he go to counselling?
Will he work with you to get the trust back?
Do you still love him?
Do you love him enough to work through this massive breach of trust?
Would you ever be able to have sex with him again?

Be practical, think about money. Make sure you know how much he earns. If it doesn't work out, it is important to know these things.

Find a counsellor - even if he won't go, you probably should.

captainmummy Tue 21-May-13 15:05:08

Wow MrsC what a fab idea! (Oh I could come too...?)

Have a lovely time, recharge and think.

Rulesgirl Tue 21-May-13 15:18:48

O that's exciting isn't it. Going on a little holiday. It will help to make you see things clearly with a little detour from real life. I did this. I went by myself. Booked myself into a little country hotel. Told husband as he was on his way home from work, that I was on my way for a little break. The kids were at his parents and he could pick them up. I enjoyed myself and had a laugh with some of the locals in the village where I stayed. Had a few men chatting to me which made me feel that I still had it!!! lol. Came back and felt brilliant. Stronger. Whilst I was there he did keep texting me though asking if we could try again etc.
I think if I remember correctly I came back and a couple of days later I threw him out. Went round the house shouting like a mad woman. (he wasn't there) throwing his stuff in bin bags and chucking them outside. Told him to come get his stuff. he he. sometimes you wont recognise yourself and wonder who this new woman is. But its you !!!!!

onaroll Tue 21-May-13 15:18:54

MrsC,
Inspired , just what the doctor could order for you right now.
Enjoy your sunshine break with your girls - school hols too, so no need worry about that either .

Glad you are thinking if yourself and helping yourself to ease the pain of betrayal. Any decisions can be put well on hold while you catch a tan and pamper your soul.

Enjoy.

countingto10 Tue 21-May-13 15:51:03

Well done you for booking tha holiday, it's making it all about you as it should do, what you need and want (and your DCs). Use it to think about what you want from your life, make some goals, get far from the madding crowd and well intentioned advice as well.

I hope it serves in a little way to help you heal, lick your wounds and to refresh and regroup smile

badinage Tue 21-May-13 17:01:17

I really wouldn't ask what impression he gave of the marriage to the OW. You can take it as read, that he won't have been bigging it up.

I don't agree with that at all. When this happened to my BF, even the OW told her that the husband hadn't ever dissed his wife or their marriage. In fact he'd told her he loved his wife and that their marriage was good. A friend who was an OW said that her bloke said much the same. Not all blokes have affairs because they think their marriages are shite anyway and so for those who are having affairs because of some other reason, it doesn't follow that they all pretend to the OW that their marriages are in fact crap, when they aren't. Neither does every OW need to believe that a bloke wouldn't have an affair unless he was happy, if my mate's anything to go by.

Great idea for a holiday OP smile.

You're doing all the right things for now. Hope you have a good break away in the sunshine with your children.

mrscraig Tue 21-May-13 17:06:15

I'm actually really looking forward to it. I need to stop staring at these walls and treat myself.
Captain - there's a generous luggage allowance, if you want me to stash you in the hold xx

PostBellumBugsy Tue 21-May-13 17:06:38

I guess there will always be different stories badinage. Having stood where MrsC is standing now, I wouldn't want to have heard the detail of what was said to the OW. Every conversation with him about what happened with the OW still feels like it is etched inside my skull - despite having a happy, fulfilled life 10 years on.

I'm sure MrsC will make up her own mind - I'm just suggesting caution on that one.

badinage Tue 21-May-13 17:30:57

Yeah PBM I think there are a lot of different narratives and also outcomes about affairs. Some marriages come back from them, others don't. The ones I've known about that have survived are the ones where the marriage wasn't really the problem and I'm sure there's a link there. I do know it helped BF to know that her husband at least hadn't been lying about their marriage or his feelings for her, but to be fair she probably only believed that when she spoke to the OW. I guess the point is you have to be prepared to deal with the answers you get and if Mrs. Craig's marriage was in bad shape before he met the OW, she might not want to ask what he told the OW about it. If it was basically sound though, she might eh?

Good luck Mrs. Craig.

Rulesgirl Tue 21-May-13 17:41:45

I have found that there is usually problems within the marriage that only come to light once the affair is discovered. Sometimes it is not as simple as the man doing wrong. Sometimes the marriage has got to the point where one or both parties are so unhappy that "shit" happens. Not saying its right just that a lot of the time affairs do happen for a reason. ie one party felt their needs were not met (in its simplist terms). I have found that it is these marriages that can often be repaired when both parties decide that they want to make it work. Its then realising why each other were unhappy and changing things for the better. I think affairs where the man just has an affair for the fun of it and never intends to leave his wife are more damaging.

captainmummy Tue 21-May-13 17:45:03

I need to stop staring at these walls and treat myself.
MrsC - absolutely you do. And it will make him think - you are being you again. And you may even be able to live without him!

God I wouldlove to stash away in the hold (well not the hold...) Whereabouts are you going?

badinage Tue 21-May-13 18:26:17

Wow, well there you go. It's just the opposite in my experience Rulesgirl. It also makes more sense to me that a marriage stands a better chance of coming back from something like this if it was in reasonably good shape to start with (not that I think marriages are always great all the time mind you) but for me personally, I think I'd find it much harder to deal with someone who was claiming there was unhappiness that he'd never even raised with me, or who was putting that forward as a reason for having an affair. I'd think he was hiding behind that as an excuse, really.

BF found it much more understandable and easier to deal with that her husband was using the affair as an escape mechanism from some shit he was dealing with at work. I think she'd have found it enormously traumatic if he'd tried to rewrite their past and had hinted at undeclared unhappiness especially when he'd been showing absolutely no signs of it before the OW came on the scene! But like we say, these things are all different and one person's experience doesn't have to mirror another's.

One mate who had an affair did have a shit marriage and she left it, but not for the OM. But it wasn't the only reason she had an affair and she freely admits that.

tattyqins Tue 21-May-13 18:38:03

I'm MrsCraig's (favourite) sister, and I am so proud of the way she has handled this horrible, horrible news. I second what she says, none of our family thought he was capable of such behaviour, we are just in shock, particularly as he was so bloody disgusted when I had the same thing happen to me (see sister I can always make it about me) so the sheer hypocrisy of it all is just astounding. We are all behind her 100% and love her and the girls so much.

She has had really great advice on here and I know she has used much of it. My advice of 'you need to take her head off her shoulders' has not been used you will be pleased to know. Personally, I hope they can work it out but whatever she decides she knows she has her family here. OK, will leave you alone now.

Rulesgirl Tue 21-May-13 18:45:10

I understand where your coming from but how can the marriage be in good shape if he has an affair just because he is stressed at work. In my eyes that's worse as he treats it like a bit of fun that hes entitled to but still wants to be with his wife and loves her. That just seems way more disrespectful. But....that's just my opinion. It is definitely interesting to here other points of views though.

Rulesgirl Tue 21-May-13 19:16:27

Hi tattyquins.....thanks for your little message. A lot of us have been in the same boat as her and have found a way through it. It was so nice to hear all the positive stories instead of negative "you should dump him" advice. Glad that she has you and others there for her. By the way, how did it all work out for you smile

tattyqins Tue 21-May-13 19:18:33

He fucked off and left me. Unlike my beautiful sister who has remained dignified, I did a wee on his toothbrush and in her facial wash.

Rulesgirl Tue 21-May-13 19:28:02

ha ha ha ha ha ha......good for you. Bet that felt great. OMG you should tell him one day.

captainmummy Tue 21-May-13 19:30:07

tatty grin

flowers

badinage Tue 21-May-13 20:50:16

You're right it was disrespectful Rulesgirl and I think it was way more difficult to sort out because this really was about his issues and not the usual old blah about being unhappy and suffering from that other old favourite of cheaters, low self esteem (rolls eyes). But to be fair to him, he walked the talk, booked himself into therapy, read all the books and sorted himself out. My lovely friend would never have taken him back if he hadn't and he bloody knew he'd got it made with her and had been a complete arse. They are a fair few years on from it now and he really is different. I mean, we've known him and loved him for years and like the OP's sister, were shocked to the core that he'd done that but DH, BF and I all recognised that he shared quite a lot of traits with our mate who I've mentioned was an OW (we all know eachother, same group of friends). Both him and OW mate were quite ego-driven and prone to quick fixes when something in life went wrong. Both 'takers' too if you know what I mean, whereas BF is one of life's 'givers'.

I think it was much harder for her to understand why it had happened, but at least he was honest with her and didn't invent excuses that didn't even exist. He point blank refused to blame anyone but himself and for that at least, I respect him.

Rulesgirl Tue 21-May-13 21:42:58

Well he sounds like a good man underneath it all then badinage and he is very fortunate that your friend took him back but maybe she knew that he was worth it. Sometimes I think you just know when the man is worth trying again with, like you said, if they walk the walk and show that they are truly deeply sorry then why would you not want to give it another go. smile

BornToFolk Tue 21-May-13 22:01:25

I totally agree with PostBellumBugsy - only ask the questions that you actually want answers to. I regret asking exP if he loved the OW. There was no answer to that question that wasn't going to hurt me. sad

Also, be prepared that you most likely will never get answers to all your questions. Your husband has shown himself to be the worst kind of liar. He will carry on lying. Or just not want to tell you. I suppose some of it depends on wheter you both want to carry on - in that situation you both have to tell the truth.

Be careful of trying to hold on to him. I totally understand that need to make everything alright, to get your old life back but you can't. I had that decision taken out of my hands when exP decided it was over but actually now (1 year old) I feel relieved that he did. It was a clean break and enable me to concentrate on moving on and rebuilding a life for me and DS.

You're going through the worst bit now. The first few weeks are hell and you should do whatever you need to to get through them. But things do get better, I promise.

A year on from walking into my house one afternoon to find my DP in bed with another woman, and I'm actually doing fine. I'm still really angry with him but it doesn't occupy my every waking thought as it once did. I'm coping really well with being a single parent. It's hard, and lonely, sometimes but I have great support (sounds like you do to..Hi, tattyqins! Loving the piss revenge work!) and I'm in a much better place now than I was a year ago.

You'll be fine. Focus on what's best for you and your children and you won't go far wrong.

ChippingInLovesSpring Tue 21-May-13 22:01:41

MrsCraig sad sorry you are going through this, it's beyond awful isn't it.

It is very rare to be able to be happy after an affair - the trust has gone, the relationship is damaged.

You can't 'go back' you have to 'start again' and build a new relationship. This is very hard and takes a lot of work from both people. Generally the person who has had the affair isn't able/willing to put the work in (though initially they say they are) and they just want to 'put it behind us' and get angry quicky when it's still causing 'problems' all of 5 minutes later.

It does terrible things to your self-esteem - it's hard to feel 'good enough' or 'sexy enough' or 'young enough' - whatever...

Sadly, the girls will suffer either way - so please don't base the decision to stay on the fact it's better for the girls, that's really not the case.

He's lying to you about stupid stuff - her name, how they met... I seriously doubt he's in the right place to make this work with you - it takes a much more honest, genuine approach.

Don't let your (lovely) family sway you into thinking you have to make this work or that he's a lovely guy who made a mistake... they mean well, but they don't have to live with him. We all want our family members to 'work things out' because it's the best thing for us - it's human nature.

Big hugs.

mrscraig Tue 21-May-13 22:24:08

Thanks ladies xx (and you sister) x am going to bed in a mo. Her 'piss story' was indeed her proudest moment! Will have to name change, she's recognised me on here twice now.
my emotions are still in turmoil but I do (secretly) feel a tinsy bit proud of how I am handling this. Am finding inner strength I didn't know I had amongst the wreckage around me.
Have had two very long conversations with him today and he is just desperately hoping to put things right.
I think next week will be crucial, time will tell .

BriansBrain Tue 21-May-13 22:38:41

You should be proud of yourself and you do have the strength to get through this.

Cerubina Tue 21-May-13 22:50:46

I also think you're doing incredibly for this early stage. My advice would be to echo what some others have said - keep him out of the house for a good long spell while you decide how you feel and he has a proper taste of life out in the cold.

I'm 9 months on from discovering an affair and I made what I now consider to be a big mistake by only kicking him out for one night, basically because I was too worried about coping with our children alone. Fast forward six months and he walked out and left us without a backward glance and I have coped because I have to. Now I wish I had made it painful for him to start with, because it might have changed the outcome - would certainly have given him a flavour of how messy and complicated arranging to seeing your children becomes when you are part of two households on different sides of London and are viewed with disgust by all your family and friends.

Of course, I might also have decided that I didn't want him back anyway if I'd kicked him out, but as it was I more or less made a fool of myself by trying to work on it when he had already checked out.

Enjoy your holiday and your girls.

Rulesgirl Tue 21-May-13 22:57:40

When you going on your little hol then mrs.?

mrscraig Wed 22-May-13 06:53:03

I'm off on Saturday so have lots to do to keep my mind occupied.
I think it will be good for my confidence as I'm organising things (eg travel insurance) which he always sorted out.
I don't think he has checked out of our marriage. He was devastated yesterday. I still love him but we need time apart. Time will tell and hopefully heal some of this crippling pain but a decision will be made when I'm ready and not a moment before.
Girls are very excited by the way. My youngest who is always the hardest to organise has already packed a bag. Goodness knows what's in there. Last time we went away she had packed the most random things, including sharp scissors which went down well with the customs officer. I will be a little more careful to check her bag this time .
Thanks for all your support and advice. I have drawn so much strength from you ladies. You've given me hope but also the realisation that I can get through this. I'll never forget it xx

Rulesgirl Wed 22-May-13 07:15:27

Morning!!! Your up early. Bless. O goodness, yes do check her suitcase. You are being very brave. One thing you may find is that you now have strength and the ability to do things that you never would have done before. It's as if this experience causes so much pain that nothing else can bother you again in comparison. Not sure if that makes sense....you sort of feel fearless. !!

countingto10 Wed 22-May-13 07:20:12

Remember MrsCraig, his words are cheap, what you need to see now are his actions - if they match his words then, if YOU want it, your marriage stands a chance of being repaired.

Once again, enjoy your break with your DDs, what's the saying "a woman is like a tea bag, you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water" wink

mrscraig Wed 22-May-13 07:45:55

Oh love that saying. I think it's absolutely spot on!
Have been awake since three, not working today so will try and go to bed this afternoon.
Positive thought of day- have lost half a stone through nervous exhaustion and no appetite. Wouldn't really recommend this diet though!

NotSoNervous Wed 22-May-13 08:09:33

I just read your thread and my heart really goes out to you. Your feeling and emotions must be all over the place.

You've had some great advice on her and I hope you start feeling stronger and stronger. Enjoy you hols with your girls

Back2Two Wed 22-May-13 08:10:12

Hi mrsC . I've read this thread, I'm so sorry you've been betrayed.

But I'm so pleased you have booked a holiday and truely hope you have a lovely time with your girls. flowers What a brilliant, strong and positive thing to do.

tattyqins Wed 22-May-13 08:18:53

You need to eat as well. Mainly because I'm sick of being the fat sister. Love you xx

Rulesgirl Wed 22-May-13 11:15:33

ha ha......your sooooo naughty tatt!!!!

lovesfastcars Wed 22-May-13 12:14:47

Hi again Mrs C
I think your holiday plan is a really good one. Time apart (for me at least) was essential. I actually felt (slightly) less pain away from him initially, and it enabled me to think more clearly, spend some amazing quality time with the children, and realise that I wasn't going to wither up and die without him. As you said, you have choices, and complete control over what happens next, when, and only when you feel ready.
You sound strong and brave. I too love my husband, although I hate what he has done. He behaved in a weak, cruel and selfish way, and it has nearly broken me. Almost, but not quite!
Keep strong, and you and your lovely girls WILL be fine, whatever you decide. Have a wonderful trip, and don't be afraid to make the bastard sweat while you are away. Stay together or not, it will do him no end of good to see that there are consequences to his actions.
Thinking of you, me and anyone else in this horrible situation x

mumdaughter29 Sun 18-Aug-13 22:28:11

please help me...11 days ago i found out that my husband has been having an affair with a married woman from the gym where he works. I noticed we had become distant for about 6-9 months and when i asked had i done something wrong he kept denying it. I thought maybe it was because i had put weight on with medication for a back problem but he kept saying no i was imagining it, A few weeks ago i asked again and he said the way i nagged him about his drinking had made him hate me that bit more. He said that i was a nasty,vindictive, mean person. I have been with him 22 years and he has drank heavily most of this time. We have 3 teenagers aged 18,15 and 15 who hated seeing their dad get so drunk and fall over and fall asleep downstairs while wetting himself. He has ruined so many beds and our sofa stinks so bad. When he was sober he was a lovely man who made me laugh and loved us all so much. Having found out proof that he was cheating i tackled him about it and he denied it.That night yet again drunk he managed to get himself to bed and left his phone downstairs where i picked it up and noticed his messages to HER . They had been discussing their little night away the night before at a hotel and discussing how great it was and couldnt wait for another. He had told me he was at a leaving do for workmates and stayed at their house. I stayed up all night taking photos of the messages and next morning he came down to the kitchen where i told him that i knew all about his dirty kittle secret. I kicked,punched and bit him i was so mad/ My daughters came down and he kept telling me not to say anything but i told him to man up and tell them what he had been doing. He eventually said we hadnt been getting along and he had been seeing someone. God it hurt so much. I threw him out but he came back 5 times that day to say please dont tell her husband as she didnt want to risk her marriage. He is staying at his parents and hasnt contacted us about anything . Our son turned 18 five days later. I ended up in hospital overnight due to severe dehydration but am now home. I cannot eat and have lost over a stone in weight through worry. I dont work and im worried how im going to cope and have no money for school uniforms or bills. How do i go on from here now? Also other womans husband has now found out as she thought she was getting away with it...my husband says her family and marriage is ruined but i doubt that as she went on holidays on friday. What about our bloody marriage? He said he doesnt fancy me or love me the way he should. Im so hurt please help me...

mumdaughter29 Sun 18-Aug-13 22:31:47

Im going through what youve been through. Are things any better or are you still apart?

feckitt Sun 18-Aug-13 22:41:23

Hysterical bonding - I had no idea that existed but it definitely happened with us. So, everything follows a pattern in the end. I just remember thinking if this is how much sex it takes to keep him then I don't think I can keep up. Ultimately I couldn't but it's not the sex that should keep you together anyway. That's just the icing on the cake.

FarleyD Sun 18-Aug-13 23:38:46

mumdaughter - so sorry to hear about your situation. I can't offer you any different advice to what has already been said, other than that if you start your own thread you may get more responses. Your post on this thread may not get read as it's quite a long, and old, thread. Good luck to you.

Wellwobbly Mon 19-Aug-13 13:17:17

mumdaughter your first problem is that he is an alcoholic. Cheating is part of that mindset.

IIWY I would throw him out and require that he start AA as part of his ACTIONS to show he will face his stuff.

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