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confused :(

(35 Posts)
mrsericnorthmaniwish Sun 19-May-13 09:13:18

been on here alot recently. basicly i have finally had enough of being on my own with dcs and doing everything myself while my h works, watches tv or plays at computer. i have had a few conversations with him these last few months before i went to a solicitor, i said i had had enough, said i would not be here for much longer, said i couldnt continue like this, said i would not remain his wife for much longer. he did nothing about any of these chats we had, i withdrew and got on with life with the dcs. i have now started divorce proceedings, he told me last night that he thought i was stressed about other things when i spoke to him before and did not really listen to what i was saying, he did not think i meant what i was saying and was basicly taking out things on our relationship and giving it a good battering because other things were annoying me. this is not true, i have been very unhappy and was trying to talk to him so we could perhaps move on, i was not making anything up. he has not been very happy because he does not get sex, hasn;t done for a few months now because i cant, not when everything else is so wrong, he cant see that either, he sees the physical side as very important and from what i can see as long as he is getting that he sees no problemsad he has withdrawn too now and blames me for that because i apparently push all the wrong buttons and force him into himselfsad( very confused, any advice much appreciated, thank you for reading

AThingInYourLife Sun 19-May-13 09:17:12

What are you confused about?

He ignored you until he was forced to acknowledge you and now that he's paying attention he's blaming you.

You'll be free of him soon enough.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 19-May-13 09:23:34

Don't be confused. He wasn't taking you seriously before, wasn't listening and all that's happened is that he's been forced to react. So, backed into a corner, he tried blaming 'stress', accused you of overreacting and when that didn't work he started giving you the silent treatment and making it all about him. When that doesn't work he might have a crack at something else. I note that nowhere in your description does he think he may be at fault at all or has offered to change or make more of an effort .... that's pretty revealing. Probably just hoping the dust settles and it'll be same old same old.

Have you asked him to leave?

mrsericnorthmaniwish Sun 19-May-13 09:38:56

I am confused by all he is saying-how could he think I was making up problems to deflect from other problems? He has asked to go to counselling but I am refusing, I see no point if he can't listen to me.you have both said what I am thinking that he is blaming everything on me including his own behaviour. He won't leave, house in his name only and he has said that perhaps I could leave for a few months to see if its what I really want, he will stay in housesad

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 19-May-13 09:47:40

Please don't listen to anything he says. Really at this stage they are just words. AIUI because you are married, it matters not that the house is in his name. Do not engage in discussion if you can help it, and certainly make no promises or decisions without the help of a sol. Focus on what you want for you and DCs. The Resolution site is v good on possible settlement outcomes.

mrsericnorthmaniwish Sun 19-May-13 09:54:53

I am trying not to listen as I start to doubt myselfsad trying to be amicable for dcs sake.the less I say the better because he seems to twist anything and everything I do saysad thank you

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 19-May-13 09:56:13

He's digging in for the long-haul which means your choices are fairly narrow. Glad you've instructed a solicitor on the divorce but would suggest, at the same time, you make plans on where you and the DCs are going to live in the short and long-term It won't affect your claim on the marital assets (and yes, it is immaterial that the property is in his name only) but, if he's going to be uncooperative, he could try to put potential buyers off in the inevitable enforced sale and this could drag things out.

RootinTootin Sun 19-May-13 10:02:43

Surely the children should stay with the father in the family home. Its the op who wants to enforce change on

RootinTootin Sun 19-May-13 10:03:03

Everyone.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Sun 19-May-13 10:05:11

The only thing you need to listen to is yourself, do you want to give it another go?

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 19-May-13 10:06:27

rootin it isn't a matter of who wants to enforce change. No matter which partner has decided it is over and filed for divorce, the first priority is to provide for the DC's welfare - which can often mean DC staying with their DM in the ex-marital home, until they are 18.

mrsericnorthmaniwish Sun 19-May-13 10:08:35

No,I have tried and can't do it anymoresad leaving the children with him is not an option-he does not want them

RootinTootin Sun 19-May-13 10:09:09

Sometimes it takes big hint for someone to genuinely recognise there is a problem. Now that the message has got through the op is acting all selfishly by refusing counselling and withholding sex.

Of course the usual suspects on here who delight in splitting people up are pushing op towards the most confrontational way forward. This place is horrible.

mrsericnorthmaniwish Sun 19-May-13 10:09:32

Can I leave? I been told not too as it will suggest we have s

mrsericnorthmaniwish Sun 19-May-13 10:11:02

Somewhere to go and will affect any possible outcome

RootinTootin Sun 19-May-13 10:12:40

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TheSilveryPussycat Sun 19-May-13 10:14:05

rootin read the OP. It took divorce proceedings for the H to take anything his W said seriously. are you him

OneHandFlapping Sun 19-May-13 10:15:20

Rootin, why don't you go and take your agenda off to some other thread?

mrsericnorthmaniwish Sun 19-May-13 10:19:22

That's it- I had to get this far before he took notice,even now I can't see anything changing, maybe for a while but not for good.sorry, I did not mean to upset anyone,all advice appreciated and yes it is me who is making the change so it will be my faultgrin

RootinTootin Sun 19-May-13 10:19:58

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simplesusan Sun 19-May-13 10:21:09

Stick to your guns.

You know deep down that he won't change, he is quite content for you to be the chief cook and bottle washer, oh and childminder to his dcs as well.

Only now he has started to realise that actually his mealticket is about to leave and pull the rug from under his feet. Oh dear he will actually have to do his own cleaning up and sort the kids out. Help- I'll try and keep the skivvy here for a bit longer, make her feel bad about how I haven't pulled my weight.

Yet still he cannot see the connection between lack of sex and being treated like a skivvy and nanny. Oh course there is a connection, you need to feel loved, wanted and valued to enjoy sex.

Don't go to counselling with him, don't engage with him if you can help it. Stay strong, you know the truth, it really doesn't matter what he thinks or says anymore.

RootinTootin Sun 19-May-13 10:26:33

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TheSilveryPussycat Sun 19-May-13 10:30:06

rootin they should post on Relationships of course.

RootinTootin Sun 19-May-13 10:33:07

Op chose to have children with this man and to me that changes the rules. If it was just her then fair enough do what you like but imho she owes her kids to at least have a go. It may turn out to be pointless but at least all efforts were exhausted.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 19-May-13 10:39:24

She has had several tries. He wasn't listening. Sometimes it's better for DC not to grow up with an unhappy mother, than it is for them to be with both parents. OP has decided to end the marriage and as far as I can tell, imho she has made a good decision.

Lweji Sun 19-May-13 12:02:31

It looks like he was a token father, in name alone.

Stick to your divorce. If he starts taking some responsibility, then listen to him and see how he behaves.

Unhappy parents don't make a great household.
And your set up sends the wrong message to your children. Including that they are not worth of attention by their father. By staying you are agreeing with this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 19-May-13 12:13:41

OP... yes, you can leave with your children. The usual advice is to stick around if you can keep things amicable but, if not, it doesn't actually harm your case with regard to the marital assets if you choose to go.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 19-May-13 12:16:08

"What forum do yiu think her kids should post onto to discuss the emotional trauma of the break up while op is on here being told how brave she is and slagging men off on puerile dating threads."

No-one is 'slagging off men'. hmm And if you think it's not emotionally traumatic for children to grow up in a home with parents that are desperately unhappy and constantly warring with each other then you're sorely mistaken.

mrsericnorthmaniwish Sun 19-May-13 12:16:38

thank you for all your advice, its not been an easy decision, reallysad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 19-May-13 12:20:18

Please ignore that poster. Of course it's not been an easy decision which is why you're generally being supported here.

NutellaLawson Sun 19-May-13 12:31:53

Why are you refusing to go to counselling? if you feel you aren't being heard, then counselling can help. A (good) counsellor will ensure your DH listens to you and addresses your grievances.

I know you feel beyond fed up at being so badly taken for granted, but counselling might do some good. You do want to give it all you've got before throwing in the towel (which is always an option if counselling didn't work).

I'm shocked at rootin's suggestion to leave the kids with their dad. Really? abandon the kids to an emotionally distant man? Dumbest thing I've heard today.

MadBusLady Sun 19-May-13 12:48:25

OP, please ignore rootin whose solution appears to be you should put out for a man who's currently blaming you for his own failure to listen. hmm

Rootin I can kind of understand the "stop trying to split people up" message on threads where the OP doesn't know what they're going to do about a problem, but this OP has already filed for divorce FFS. Horse, stable door, bolted.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 19-May-13 13:08:12

@NutellaLawson... I think, if the OP has already decided to divorce, their heart wouldn't be in counselling and it would be a complete waste of time.

Lweji Sun 19-May-13 13:20:04

He can go to counselling, and if he really wants to keep his marriage, then tell the counselor the truth and what you told him.

I think counselling is good when people have communication problems, and difficulties are mutual. Not particularly when one partner is lazy about the home and ignores both partner and children.
Surely he should listen to his wife about this, not wait to be told by someone else.

mrsericnorthmaniwish Sun 19-May-13 13:33:44

That is my point, I am not asking for anything special, only a bit of help, support, care, consideration and time, that's allsad

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