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Distinct lack of sex in our relationship

(67 Posts)
LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 19:33:56

Long story short, my man has admitted he would rather have a wank than have sex with me.

I feel degraded. I feel like im nothing more than a skivvy who does his washing, cooks his meals etc.

He wants to have a threesome, I said no and that somethings should stay as a fantasy.

He is refusing to talk about it.

First he said its cos I had to come off the pill due to being allergic to progesterone - put something on the end of it I replied.

Next was I was never up for it and never came on to him - I threw myself at him, jumped him in the shower, caught him on the stairs etc

3rd is he doesn't like condoms - now im getting really pissed off!

4th he requested that I wear dresses and skirts and high heels around the house - I did this along with throwing myself at him still nothing.

On the rare occasion that we do have sex he insists on filming it. No idea why?!

Im getting to the point where I feel like telling him either you do it or you leave.

I've suggested councilling, sex therepy etc he isn't interested

This isn't healthy for a relationship what else can I do?

Numberlock Sat 18-May-13 19:40:47

Why would you even want to stay?

lemonandice Sat 18-May-13 19:42:08

What's your relationship like otherwise? Is he generally uncaring and insensitive, or is he decent? What was your sex life like before you came off the pill?

My first thoughts are there's an OW, or he's having trouble in the bedroom department and doesn't want you to know.

LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 19:43:11

Because I love him he is very loving to me in every other way I love his kids and he loves mine we want a baby in a few years I just don't know whats going on

Has he got really into porn?

LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 19:45:02

It was great before I came off the pill, I cant have the coil or anything with progesterone in he swears there isn't another woman and if im honest he doesn't have the time lol

Numberlock Sat 18-May-13 19:45:04

For christs sake don't have a baby with this disrespectful arsehole.

I'd be interested to know why his last relationship ended. And where those films of you having sex end up...

MadBusLady Sat 18-May-13 19:45:34

Christ almight, do you know what he's doing with the films? Because I'm immediately thinking Readers Wives, or whatever the online equivalent is.

MadBusLady Sat 18-May-13 19:45:45

almight^y^!

LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 19:45:46

he never watches porn when im around but I know as soon as I go out he grabs his laptop and a box of tissues

MadBusLady Sat 18-May-13 19:46:44

He doesn't sound loving at all. He sounds nasty, disrespectful and frankly not that into you.

MadBusLady Sat 18-May-13 19:47:26

Not that I have any problem with porn if both partners are ok with it (some people here do have a problem with porn, I know). But it can't be at the expense of everything else.

His fantasies are porn cliches and wanting to film you means he's only only able to get turned on when sex is like a porn rather than about the two of you.

This doesn't sound good to me at all. What are you getting out if this?

LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 19:49:15

I don't have a problem with porn, I suggest putting it on in the background sometimes, still no joy

LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 19:55:53

He wants to come home and find me watching porn having a play

SummerDad Sat 18-May-13 19:56:33

Being in a similar situation, I read your thread. I don't have much to add on the psychological aspect but would like to point out that filming intimate activities is highly dangerous as only very few expert users know how to permanently delete the digital stuff. Simply deleting the files does not delete the data from hard disks, sd cards etc. and is easily recoverable and people do recover this data and post it on the internet.

MadBusLady Sat 18-May-13 19:58:26

Thing is, he also wanted you to wear dresses and heels, which you did. And that didn't work either.

I think you have to confront the possibility that nothing you do will ever be enough, whether it's because he's addicted to porn or for some other reason.

arsenaltilidie Sat 18-May-13 20:04:10

Porn addiction.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 18-May-13 20:05:47

Go here, and watch the TEDx video, "The Great Porn Experiment. Get your dp to watch it too. You will fnd it enlightening.

LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 20:13:47

hi old lady the webpage isn't work x

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 18-May-13 20:16:09

Sorry. Try googling "TED online porn", the first result is a youtube copy.

Jesus.

You want this for your future, really?

Why?

EdvardMonsterMunch Sat 18-May-13 20:20:32

Doesn't sound right to me.
You've tried and failed to have a healthy sex life.
Either he's a regular porn user with unrealistic view of marital sex or i'm a monkey's uncle!

LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 20:25:38

I know his ex wife wasn't into sex like I am, she told him to get a whore and watch porn to get him away from her

I dOn't blame her. He sounds like a creep. You cook and clean for him, but he can only manage it with a camera in his hand, and doesn't want to change. What a catch!

LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 20:34:15

can we have a quick show of hands? male or female poster please? Id like to know a blokes perspective on this.
im 27 a healthy size 12 with curves in the right places no wobbly bits even tho ds is only a year old. I like football f1 and beer. my mans mates say im the perfect woman and cant understand why he is the way he is

Chocoflump Sat 18-May-13 20:35:56

There is another type of coil you can get- the copper coil. No progesterone in it!

LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 20:37:47

I spoke to my gp about it she said that as I use a whole pack of towels a day when im on copper wouldn't be a good idea as it makes them a lot heavier so I really am stuck!

Lazyjaney Sat 18-May-13 20:58:05

"it was great before I came off the pill"

I'm not sure I'd jump on the porn wagon reading that, I know some men really hate condoms. Is there no other option at all OP?

LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 21:04:57

I hate them as much as he does I told him to pull out before he cums but pre cum = pregnancy etc and he wont do it

Have you read your own op? What would you say if your daughter was in this relationship in twenty years time?

LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 21:14:07

i'd advise her to talk about it with her oh, which is what im trying to do with him, failing that id suggest councilling. Ive also asked him to come to councilling with me he hasn't said anything about it since so im feeling like just booking it and he either comes along or not

Darkesteyes Sat 18-May-13 21:14:14

Even if you did have "wobbly bits" OP he would still have no right to treat you like this.
NO ONE deserves this.

BeTTerMumThanU Sat 18-May-13 21:16:31

Have the threesome! You will love it!

You said "I've suggested counseling, sex therapy but he isn't interested'

That suggests to me that he doesn't give a shit about what you want or need and is quite happy to continue like this forever.

You said "he's refusing to talk about it"

Really you've got two options - put up with this tosser and gradually lose your confidence and self esteem

Or leave him - you're young attractive - find someone who makes you feel desired...

SummerDad Sat 18-May-13 21:24:32

LittleBabyLucas >> can we have a quick show of hands? male or female poster please? Id like to know a blokes perspective on this.

I am a bloke and I don't think being a man or a woman should make any difference as to how your partner should treat you and respect your needs.

LittleBabyLucas >> Long story short, my man has admitted he would rather have a wank than have sex with me.

I would say that only when I feel unwanted and when I feel that my partner does not bother doing anything for making me happy while I would be doing everything within my reach.

The way I see it is that you two have a very different view of how intimacy should be in a relationship. At the same time from what you have told your man sounds very selfish who does not want to do anything about something which is very very important for you. I find this selfishness highly reprehensible which just adds up to the resentment in the relationship, at least that's what happening in my relationship.

In short, I won't ask my partner to do anything which makes her uncomfortable. It is very selfish and personally a big turn off for me.

I just described what I felt about your situation. I am non the wiser to suggest what could be the best course of action for you though ...

NiceTabard Sat 18-May-13 21:25:12

I don't think there's anything else you can do. You've done many of the things he's asked and it's not helped.

If he will only have sex with you if he can film it then he has really serious issues, frankly.

ALittleStranger Sat 18-May-13 22:12:19

He sounds awful and your relationship does not sound loving.

Serious question, what do you actually think counselling is going to achieve?

The condom thing is a red herring. It's just one of several increasingly flimsy reasons he's given you for not wanting sex. I had an ex who had a severe condom hatred. It led to him being disrespectful in his own way finding ways not to wear them, not avoiding sex.

How long have you been together? If the baby's not his it can't be very long and no one's sex life picks up after a few years!

Leavenheath Sun 19-May-13 00:05:45

Perfect woman for who though?

His Neanderthal mates?

Blokes with only a few brain cells who love porn?

Sounds like his wife didn't want sex with him.

Smart cookie then, his wife.

EffieTheDuck Sun 19-May-13 00:11:14

Leave the creepy bastard.

arsenaltilidie Sun 19-May-13 00:29:20

Im a man.
Leavenheath I think perfect as in a girl that likes football beer and F1. You dont see many of those.

OP at first i thought 1 to 4 sounded like someone trying to hide E.D trying to shift blame. However I read it again:
would rather have a wank than have sex with me.
That is just abuse and insulting.

However the filming and trying to force you into having 3 some is right creepy.
I say forcing you because he is leaving you no choice until you eventually give in.

This guy doesn't respect you at all, God knows what he does with the videos.
I think its becoming clear why his marriage didnt work.

You honestly sound like a beautiful woman and the fact you like football and beer is a bonus.
He is making you feel like shit, its probably time he goes.

squeakytoy Sun 19-May-13 00:36:43

you have only been seeing this person a short time.. why are you still with him? he sounds vile.

Leavenheath Sun 19-May-13 00:47:23

Ah, you'll be attractive to the sort of man who calls grown women girls then. wink

Leavenheath Sun 19-May-13 01:34:36

I might be doing the OP a disservice, but she sounds like someone who's read every Lads Mag that's been published since 1996 and has somehow fashioned herself on some crude caricature of what men want in a woman in the mistaken belief that this will attract a decent bloke with more than 2 brain cells, or that the sort of neanderthals she will attract will stay interested. You pays your money and you takes your choice and all that.

gillywillywoo Sun 19-May-13 08:45:59

This guy sounds horrible.
Skirts dresses and high heels around the house? Prick.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 19-May-13 09:02:40

I might be doing the OP a disservice but this has to be a wind up, surely? hmm If it's not.... OP it's not your job to get his motor running. If he prefers porn and wanking then stop wasting your time and stop demeaning yourself. Find someone who actually likes you smile

BarredfromhavingStella Sun 19-May-13 09:10:52

Cog I thought the same thing-was with her until all the perfect woman bullshit hmm Agree you do sound like you've modelled yourself on lads mags hype OP...

Sounds like he has become obsessed with the ideals porn portrays- the heels, the skirts, no condoms & of course threesomes.
Don't pander to these ridiculous 'needs' of his, it doesn't sound like he is making an effort on his side so why would you start dressing differently when all he can say, is "I would rather have a wank".
I would air on the side of leaving him, as he doesn't sound adult enough to deal with a healthy relationship.

Playerpleeease Sun 19-May-13 09:51:51

OP I wouldn't believe his version of events with his ex wife. If you split i'd put money on the fact he would say the same about you to his next victim.

So you're the perfect woman? That's awesome. He's preying on your insecurity and using it on his advantage, making you believe it's all your fault and if only you were different/better he would be different. It's not solely your responsibility, a relationship is a two way street. He's refusing to play ball with you, so refuse to play ball with him.

What does he do to be perfect for you? Not much by the sounds of it. To quote a wise lady on here, does he have a golden dick? I have no idea why you're letting him belittle you and abuse you. He sounds like a wanker. You can do better.

Guys like him, he will never change. No matter what you do, you will never be good enough.

Get out now.

Lucylloyd13 Sun 19-May-13 09:52:42

Sex in a relationship is so important.

You seem to have gone the extra mile, but he keeps on moving the destination. There comes a point when you have to say"Either you want me, as me, or you don't"

At no stage does he appear to have asked you what YOU like.

Although some of the responses on here have been extreme ( what is wrong with wearing a skirt and high heels indoors?), you have done your best, he hasn't, time to move on I am afraid.

PenelopePortrait Sun 19-May-13 09:54:16

How long have you been with this guy? Do you have any DC's together?

kenickielovesrizzo Sun 19-May-13 10:08:02

im 27 a healthy size 12 with curves in the right places no wobbly bits even tho ds is only a year old. I like football f1 and beer. my mans mates say im the perfect woman

Crikey, i agree with Leavenheath. Sounds like you've stepped straight off the pages of Nuts mag. I would get shut of this jerk and do some work on 'yourself' rather than pandering to the desires of the caveman blokes you appear to be attracting.

TurnipCake Sun 19-May-13 10:08:49

OP you are beneath contempt to your partner.

Do you believe you are worth more than being told you're second to a wank? Do you believe you're worth more than being his skivvy, or the third wheel in a proposed threesome, or having to exhaust yourself by turning into his vision of a 'perfect' woman which, surprise surprise still isn't good enough for him!

No one should be subjected to such cruel behaviour.

Kundry Sun 19-May-13 10:11:33

Well I'm a woman and I'm about 15 years older than you and much much fatter, I don't like beer or football and have made no effort to try to like them and yet my bloke can't keep his hands off me. He also would never suggest a threesome or filming us as he respects me as a person (and knows I would kick him in the nuts then dump him)

I don't mean this to show off about my relationship - I mean it to show that in a true relationship, the things you have listed are not the reasons your man has sex with you. He does it because he loves you (you inside, not superficial appearances) and wants to connect with you.

Yours appears to view you as a sex toy and the quicker you leave and start working on your self confidence the better.

Lucylloyd13 Sun 19-May-13 10:20:59

Sometimes the man who we fell in love with and married is not what he seemed, or changes.

Unlike some others, I see nothing wrong with you dressing to please and sharing interests.

Marriages and relationships do evolve, some draw closer together, some diverge. I am in awe of the efforts you have made. Just be clear with im about what YOU want, and if you don't get it, move on.

simplesusan Sun 19-May-13 10:55:51

Have you told him what YOU want?

What sexual desires you have, how he can turn you on, how he can be "the perfect man."

Tbh I don't have much advice.
He is living out a porn scene.
He cannot please you.
His ex wife sounds very wise. the mind boggles at what he expected her to do sexually if her response was see a whore. What degrading things did he expect of her?

He sounds like the type of man to aviod at all costs.

ALittleStranger Sun 19-May-13 12:13:46

Wholeheartedly second the advice to work on yourself. I like beer, I don't like football, I don't really think any of these things have any bearing on whether someone would want to have sex with me so I don't think to include them when wondering why I'm not getting laid. It does sound like you've tried to turn yourself into the lad's mag ideal, while at the same time your 'D'P is lusting after some porn ideal. It all sounds like a bit of a sorry situation. Time to focus on your needs as real, breathing people, not caricatures.

Leavenheath Sun 19-May-13 23:55:31

Sure thing sex in a relationship is important.

But so is respect.

OP says she acts like a 'skivvy' to a man who wants to share her with others, either in person or on film. So there's just no respect here, let alone a sex life.

Any poster who thinks the responses here have been 'extreme' really needs to check her own radar about men and relationships.

Yogii Mon 20-May-13 07:16:31

Leaven, wind your neck in. You are doing Op a disservice. Just because she mentioned that she likes some things more commonly associated with men, you've concluded that she's fashioned herself on something from a lads' mag. Get a grip, woman (*avoids the use of girl, knowing what overblown reaction that always causes*)

Op. I'm a man. My guess is that your man is into porn and has a head full of fantasies that he doesn't share with you. His ideal session is bringing vivid pictures of his fantasies into his head and grabbing hold and going for it. That's what porn does.

May I ask, because I think it will provide a clue as to what's in his head, is the proposed 3some with another woman or another man?

Numberlock Mon 20-May-13 07:17:57

Leaven is spot on actually, I think you've just confirmed that.

MadBusLady Mon 20-May-13 07:44:03

Just because she mentioned that she likes some things more commonly associated with men

Yogii, I like beer and F1 and can commentate intelligently on a football match. I just don't see that as being the core of my appeal to my DP. confused They're just things I happen to like, sometimes we do them together, but we do all manner of activities together.

The OP clearly does see those things as being demonstrations that she is a "perfect woman" - that's the important bit, that she thinks she has to demonstrate being a "perfect woman" according to some (slightly strange 1990s) idea of What Men Want, and then everything should be simple. It is IME kind of true that if you set out to meet standards set by knobheads, you will end up with a knobhead.

Yogii Mon 20-May-13 09:12:48

MBL... All she said was that her man's friends had called her the perfect woman because she likes a few things they do.

You have arrived at the conclusion that she sees those things as demonstrating her to be a perfect woman. Uh, no... see para one.

Presumably, like you, she likes other things too.

Her man has put her in a position where she had to come to the Internet strangers for a bit of reassurance (the, I'm 27, no wobblies... beer and F1 post). But she's now said to be aspiring to a 1990s lad mag bird (did they use that in 90s?) in order to demonstrate perfection to a knobhead she's already attracted. Helpful.

I happen to be with Cogito on this, she should find someone who likes her. And definitely somebody who doesn't want her to dress up for an evening out... and then stay in!

AnyFucker Mon 20-May-13 09:27:24

OP, I would give up the man-pleasing cliched behaviour, make sure every single video of you having sex is deleted and run for the hills

This bloke sounds like a prize prick

MadBusLady Mon 20-May-13 09:28:34

Well, I've read the OP's 20.34 post against carefully, Yogii, and I think we'll have to agree to disagree on that. I just don't see how else to interpret it. She asked for a show of hands, and listed some qualities - basically asking us to judge her on those qualities, as her boyfriend's mates clearly have, as she presumably wants her boyfriend to. I'd be pretty shocked if any man, friend or boyfriend, said that things like that made me a "perfect woman". She seems to have taken on board their view though.

I agree she should find someone who likes her.

Leavenheath Mon 20-May-13 10:43:18

It's a bit like a bloke saying

I'm 27, have bulging muscles, like prosecco and love soaps. My woman's pals say I'm the perfect man, so why can't she see that?

While revealing that the woman concerned treats him like a skivvy, will only have sex with him if there's another bloke or a film camera involved and the moment he steps out of the door, knocks herself out on porn all day.

What could possibly be wrong in a relationship like that eh? hmm

LittleBabyLucas Mon 27-May-13 22:55:49

Been away for a bit, internet was down again!!!! Just to be clear... I am the eldest daughter with 3 younger brothers. Cars, footie, rugby etc was always around. Not my fault. I just had 3 younger brothers. I actually do enjoy those things, but I also love my horse riding drinking wine with friends shopping and doing keep fit. Girlie yes? Well I also like "granny" things like bingo, knitting and cross stitch (apologies for any1 else who is "young" and likes those things).
Any way I have spoken to DP Ive told him to get a grip (pref on me!) or get out.
I sent him packing for a few days. WITHOUT his laptop! All vids deleted, after I had to break his password! Ive confiscated his camera with the threat of it going under one of the passing Warrior tanks if he ever thinks about looking for it.
Seems to have done the trick for now.
He wanted a 3 way with a girl. I told him if he wanted a 3 way it was going to be with a bloke. (knowing he wouldn't go for it!?) He's backed off from that now too.
He's doing his share of the housework, I cook he cleans.
He knows if he doesn't have a shave he doesn't get it, Ive burnt all his trackie bottoms.
I made him put his mess dress on the other night while he did the washing up, gave him a taste of his own meds. He said he felt like a prize prick, I asked him if he understood where I was coming from now...
But we did make lol

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