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fledgling relationship- is this what people do?

(52 Posts)
twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 15:24:36

I had a third date with this guy last night, he mentioned he was going out in the week so i told him i was going out with work friends on friday. He asks if he is invited.
So i say he can come along if he wants and we chat about it on and off throughout the evening.
I dont know if he meant it or if i will see him again. But that aside, is this what people do so early on?
To me, and being something of a committment phobe its quite scary and a bit ' coupley' when no conversation about whats happening has happened. And then all my work people will have met him etc....
But it could just be that this is how these things develop?

I dont know?

sarahseashell Sat 18-May-13 15:31:48

confused do you want him to go? If not just say no and wait to do that sort of thing further down the line when you are ready. People are all different just do what feels right for you

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 15:38:27

I dont know, like i say, i have issues with committment.

To me it feels far too early, i dont really know him well enough to know how he is,or how he will be with people i work with. For example, i dont know that he wouldnt be a tit and show me up. And im not sure i want work people to know who im boffing.

Eveyone at work is young, there are usually parters tagging along to these things, so i dont expect it would be a big deal. It just feels like it to me.

But in the same respect, not allowing these things to happen kind of stops things naturally progressing, and i have been single a long time.

Lweji Sat 18-May-13 15:40:07

Did he invite you to go with him to his outing?

It sounds a bit controlling to me.

Also something exH did when we started dating, he asked if he could go on holiday with me (seeing parents and family).

I'd say no and watch him carefully.

Lweji Sat 18-May-13 15:41:29

Don't let your guard down just because you've been single a long time.

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 15:42:46

No he didnt.
I would be able to go as its midweek and he knows that anyway.

You really think thats controlling? He said ' am i invited' he didnt invite himself.

Looksgoodingravy Sat 18-May-13 15:45:21

Hmm, not been in the dating game for many years but remembering back to 'third date' feelings I don't think I'd be ready for the friends meet up quite yet.

I'd be inclined to get to know him a bit better but then again only you know how comfortable you'd feel in this situation.

aftermay Sat 18-May-13 15:46:02

You've met him three times now. Can't you work out yet if he'll behave or be an arse?

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 15:46:08

My friend just laughed and told me yes, that is what people do. Ive met new boyfriends/ girlfriends of work people early on and not tbought anything of it ( they are all in their 20's)

Im mid 30's he is early 30's.

Lavenderhoney Sat 18-May-13 15:48:56

I don't think I would have invited a new bf to a works night out, ESP if its just a drink after work and not an organised do, with partners.

If you would rather he didn't, just say ill meet you at 8 as I we often continue to discuss work, or lets meet sat instead . If he pushes it just be nice and say, not really, its just its work talk and I don't want to be gossiped about!

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 15:49:35

Atfermay, i mean in that, work people are work people, we are all new ish to working with each other. They know the work me.

I dont know yet, having only just met, thathe hasnt got views on something i dont. Or wont get drunk and be an idiot. Or 1001 other things, because i dont know him. But then id have to keep working with these people. Does that make sense.

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 15:50:47

Its a leaving do, so is a big thing, in pubs but its not formal.

ChippingInIsMissingHerLatte Sat 18-May-13 15:52:00

You are boffing him but are holding back on introducing him to friends grin

ChippingInIsMissingHerLatte Sat 18-May-13 15:53:25

I think you should say that you have talked to the people at work and no-one else is taking their b/g friend so you'd rather leave it this time... see how he reacts.

It's early on for him to ask if he's invited...

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 15:55:07

Yes smile

If he meets friends it sort of makes it a ' thing' as opposed to boffing. We are three dates in, i dont know if i want it to be a thing yet, you know.

But i might just be overcomplicating things.

BreadHamBread Sat 18-May-13 15:57:21

I met dh's friends on our third date. It was a "some of us are going for a drink, fancy coming?" rather than me inviting myself though.

Maybe it's a good thing he feels comfortable enough to ask, maybe not! confused

Lweji Sat 18-May-13 16:02:03

It is inviting himself because you'll hardly say no, unless you have a lot of selfconfidence.

If he was you'd have said it.

It's up to you if you feel comfortable or not.

Having said that, watching him interact with your colleagues will probably tell you more than just dating.
You can introduce him as a friend, or just by name.
And you can always ask them what they thought of him.

Lizzabadger Sat 18-May-13 16:20:14

I think it is a red flag. Say no and if he is an arse about it dump.

IslaValargeone Sat 18-May-13 16:31:44

Red flag and controlling? Jesus!

Maybe he just likes you and felt comfortable enough to ask, but if you really don't feel like you have the cut of him yet, put him off until you are happy for it to 'be a thing'

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 16:32:19

So he couldnt have asked just because he wanted to see me again?
Even though we had talked odd plans about other stuff too?

I would/ will say no if i dont want him to come.im just not sure at the momment.

I cant see it as a red flag or being controlling else everyone elses partner ive met early on is also controlling... but they arent.

Lweji Sat 18-May-13 16:35:13

It depends on whether they invited themselves or not.

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 16:36:44

I invited myself to his yesterday. I am not controlling.

IslaValargeone Sat 18-May-13 16:37:56

No, I wasn't suggesting he was controlling.
I was expressing astonishment that these terms were being bandied about.

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 16:41:30

Isla, me too,me too.

The man isnt controlling because he asked if he was invited, thats ridiclous.

whitesugar Sat 18-May-13 16:50:56

I wouldn't let him come. Bit of a commitment phobe myself. Decide yourself if you like him before you introduce him to your friends. He could be a complete tool and everyone will keep asking you how it's going. Keep it on the quiet till you know if you like him.

kotinka Sat 18-May-13 16:54:19

seems a bit soon to introduce him to work people.

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 16:55:21

White- hurrah, someone that thinks the same as me smile

Thats my train of thought, but i dont like to committ for months and months ( about 6)

Which isnt great of me i dont think. Other people seem a lot more casual about this kind of thing.

Teapot13 Sat 18-May-13 17:00:26

I think he's been a bit forward to invite himself but assume for now it's just because he likes you. I would keep him separate from work for now (just good hygiene) but do it in a way that doesn't make him feel rejected.
Like say you'd rather do X (movie, dinner) with him on another night.

Numberlock Sat 18-May-13 17:12:24

After two or three dates and you're already meeting everyone? Seems far too early, just relax a little and let it develop naturally. What's the rush?

Thurlow Sat 18-May-13 17:15:46

Red flag?! Bloody hell...

I agree with teapot. I don't think that sounds remotely controlling or dominating, just possibly a little forward.

Most of my friends' new bf/gf's I've met at casual drinks like that, rather than it being made a big thing of.

Numberlock Sat 18-May-13 17:21:46

After 2/3 dates? Smacks of not being able to cope without the other person or not wanting them to have any separate friends or interests.

OP - you have to think if you'd be setting a precedent and he'd want to tag along to every work do, friends nights out, family do.

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 17:23:49

Numberlock, yesterday was the third date, that has been spread out over 6 weeks. It doesnt smack of anything.

IslaValargeone Sat 18-May-13 17:26:04

Someone will come along in a minute and say 'leave the bastard' hmm

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Sat 18-May-13 17:27:43

You don't need anyone else to agree its too early, of you think it is, then it is.

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 17:29:15

It is baffling how some posters like to read stuff into stuff which isnt there.

Its all relative, i might not see him again anyway..... and if i do and it does turn into a relationship, at somepoint we will be hanging out with frirnds and family. Its what people do.

joblot Sat 18-May-13 17:29:59

Way too early to meet friends, I would be uneasy with it, it makes a statement that you're in a relationship, which may or may not happen with time.

Or are you smitten and want to take him? You don't give that impression

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 17:30:57

Personally i like teapots idea, it is too early for me.but if i say we can do something else instead smile

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 17:33:24

Jobot, no smitten, its been 3 dates.... id be insane if i were smitten after meeting someone 3 times.

I like hanging out with him and fancy him. Thats as far as i have got. I have no idea if i even want a relationship with him yet.

Numberlock Sat 18-May-13 17:33:59

So why are you asking if you're perfectly happy with it?

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 17:38:02

Because im a bit of a committment phobe. I know this.
Other people seem to go with the flow of these things a lot easier. All my rl friends just laughed and say that yes, bring him, its not a big deal.

To me it kind of is. But at some point you have to be open and stop looking for red flags where there are none.... or trying to make sure its all in place before you move forward..life isnt like that.

joblot Sat 18-May-13 17:45:27

I'd be worried people would assume you're together and then ask about/invite him to other stuff. If its a first work do for you I'd be carefulof setting a precedent you aren't ok with

Numberlock Sat 18-May-13 17:46:11

It would be to me but I don't consider myself a commitment phobe.

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 17:59:53

Its not a first work do either. They kind of happen weekly. Lol. As i said, everyone is quite young so they all go out a lot.

simplesusan Sat 18-May-13 18:10:35

It seems very forward to me.

He is happy to go out alone, yet has asked if he can but in on your night out. I don't like the sound of it but if you want hiom there then go ahead. Just tread carefully with him.

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 18:38:00

Im very sorry, but i do not understand why some posters are saying this is red flag behaviour and i need to be careful with him.

During the course of the night, i had said to him we should do a few things, he said we should do x, y and z. That isnt red flag behaviour either.
When you meet someone you have to arrange actuallly doing things with each other and fitting in with each others lives, thats all this is.

It might have been forward to ask, but i like people with balls, like i said i had invited myself to his last night.

Numberlock Sat 18-May-13 19:24:14

You've asked for opinions and you've got them.

Completely agree that you need to make time to do things together but personally I would be cautious of anyone who asked to come to my work do after only 3 dates.

You're obviously fine with it so it's all good, no?

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 19:37:06

Im not fine with it, else i wouldnt have posted on here, but its not about him being controlling by asking, and me needing to tread carefully, but just because it feels too soon for me.

Numberlock Sat 18-May-13 19:43:01

That's your opinion based on 3 meetings. Hopefully you're right, it would still make me cautious.

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 19:50:30

and you havent met him at all, so why all the jumping up and down??

Numberlock Sat 18-May-13 19:59:16

Who's jumping up and down? I'm expressing my opinion, it's clearly a touchy subject for you?

FlatCapAndAWhippet Sat 18-May-13 20:11:35

Nah, I don't think it's a red flag. Perhaps a little early in the (potential) relationship but hey, if you don't ask, you don't get. If you don't feel comfortable about it, do something else with him another night....but I'd take it as a compliment anyhow. smile

twentypairs Sat 18-May-13 20:12:13

My goodness, stop being so silly.

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