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Close to breaking point (long and complex) help please

(120 Posts)
BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 11:49:38

I don't know where to start with this, only that I'm so close to the edge I can see the abyss.

My situation is so complicated with so many facets I can't really think straight. But here goes.

DP and I have lived together a year, I have DS 14, he has DS 8 and 5. Recently moved to council house after being given notice to quit on last private rental - had only been there a year.

DSS's have been sexually abused by mother's ex-partner. Police investigation now concluded, waiting for it to go to court. Accused is convicted offender already, mother knew this. Mother took caution for neglect.

DSS's have BIG behaviour issues and possible SN (under assessment). Both on IEPs and under Child In Need orders. Cannot get counselling for them until case has been to court (poss disclosure issues).

DS 14 has now clashed with DP. DS came in late Thursday night, I had a go, DP intervened when DS got nasty. DS grabbed DP by throat, DP called police. DS accepted a caution.

DS is a "school refuser". Attendance currently under 50%. I am working with school, TAC meetings in place. CAMHS involved, but DS won't engage. DS's father will not have anything to do with him, he is "too ashamed".

Have just concluded long court battle with DP's parents who did not like him moving in with me and tried to get joint residency. They failed. They have weekly phone contact (Fridays) and fortnightly letters with the boys.

DSS's have fortnightly visits (supervised by me/DP) with their mum. Sometimes, like today, their Mum's parents come too. They also have to be supervised as they were classed as having been groomed. They are all here today.

DP does not work (many reasons), I'm a home carer and work about 30 hours. I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, bill-paying, admin, organisation, homework, reading. Absolutely everything. I write all the letters, deal with all the legal stuff. I even pay his ex maintenance out of my bank account for his other 2 boys, who he can't see at the moment. His ex has a new bf and won't allow him in the house (yet another story). DP is on JSA and is going on a course that should get him back to work. He sits on the lap top ALL DAY every day. Between work, running the house, meetings for children, court and more, I have NO TIME. I'm shattered.

I'm behind with bills, I work my tits off and I get no help. DP is depressed and on ADs. My relationships with my son, family and friends are suffering. I went to the doctor yesterday and got diazepam. Already on ADs myself and have another appointment monday.

I've had enough. I rang work and took the weekend off. Never done that.

I'm the one holding it all together. I think I'm going to break.

Thank you for reading, sorry it's so long, I am grateful. If anyone can help me make sense of it all...?

2cats2many Sat 18-May-13 12:03:52

You sound like you need to take a break before you have a complete meltdown. Does your DP know that you feel like this?

You say you've lived with him for a year. How long have you actually been together? And for how much of that time has it been this bad?

NoelHeadbands Sat 18-May-13 12:07:46

That is too much on one plate, I'm not surprised you are floundering.

You mention family and friends, do they know everything that's going on?

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:08:05

My God. The whole set up sounds like it is brimming with confrontation and conflicts - everyone is fighting.

What would happen if you and DP split up? That would instantly remove a great deal of your worries, you would only have your own child to deal with.

Sorry but your DP's family sound like a complete nightmare.

lolaflores Sat 18-May-13 12:09:52

Why are you doing all this? What compels you to go to every lenght for everyone but yourself? Explain why things are that way and then you may understand things a little better.
I don't want to sound harsh but where are you in all of this? If you stopped what would happen?
Would iut be a case tghat your partner might have to do something?

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:10:57

also interested to know how long you've been involved with this family from hell, why they didn't want you involved (dp's pparents trying to stop you moving in together?) and why the heck you're doing all the running around keeping them in their habit of fighting.

And why did your son clash with dp?

pinkyredrose Sat 18-May-13 12:12:06

This sounds intolerable. Why doesn't your DP do anything around the house?

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:12:23

Been together 2 years. Family and friends know bits and bobs but I feel too boggled to go into it with them. Friends tried to tell me I was taking on too much, now I feel stupid. I do love DP but when I talk to him, he just says nothing. He blames it on possible Aspergers, he's been referred for assessment after it was suggested by GP. He does have a lot of Aspie traits, but I feel that it's an excuse. It's not an excuse for sitting on his arse all day though.

I'm hiding upstairs as DC's mum and family are in kitchen cooking a roast. It's like the fucking twilight zone here sad

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:14:53

I have promised to keep the DC safe and give them stability. Their lives have been full of Social Workers, police etc. Tbh I never realised it was going to be this bad.

They are a warring family, always have been.

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:15:18

You need, for your sake and your son's, to get OUT of this. really fast. They are pulling you under.

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:16:26

DP tried to stop DS shouting and swearing at me. He has anger issues, have tried counselling, anger management etc. DS is primarily mad at his father.

I feel trapped, stuck, cornered and worn out.

tribpot Sat 18-May-13 12:17:38

Just trying to get this clear - your DP has four sons, 2 with his ex who allowed them to be abused, and 2 others who he isn't allowed to see?

I can't believe the appalling stress and complexity of your home life is helping your own DS' school refusal / mental health issues. And god knows you can't possibly go on the way you are now, effectively propping up five children and a partner on a part-time wage.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like either parent can care adequately for the DSSes. Is he even doing the supervision or is that falling to you as well? Are social services involved with you / your DP with regarded to your DSSes?

Can you ask family / friends for help? Do they know how bad things are?

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:17:39

All I can do is get on the council list again. I've no money and I don't WANT to leave the children. I love them.

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:18:18

yep that just confirms it, your son needs your full attention. This will not be helping him.

Please walk away and let them sort themselves out.

midoriway Sat 18-May-13 12:18:53

I would have to love someone very very very very very much to stick by them in such a circumstances, that the family life of my daughter and I was so messed up by a situation not of our own making. Very very very much.

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:19:32

x posts. I don't care if you love his kids. You can still be their friend. Your own child MUST come first. This is affecting you really badly and will also be affecting him really badly.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but from the outside it is REALLY clear that you need to walk away.

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:19:53

Are social services involved with you / your DP with regarded to your DSSes?

Yes very much so. They are supportive.

I've been doing supervision for visits to DPs parents - they ALSO are required to have supervision as they have been violent in front of the kids/swearing/controlling. But I'm not doing it any more, there is no contact order.

midoriway Sat 18-May-13 12:20:43

A man who is ashamed of his sexually abused son's emotional issues is not someone I could sacrifice my sanity for.

DoctorAnge Sat 18-May-13 12:20:59

You poor lady. I really think you should take a huge step back here and put yourself first.

It's a lot to deal with.

RandomMess Sat 18-May-13 12:21:18

Can you set a time for you and dp to talk?

Can state to him that unless he helps practically that you cannot cope and will have no choice but to leave?

Have prepared a list of daily tasks (detailed!) and ask him which he is going to take on. TBH I would do this as an ultimatum.

The lack of emotional support must be horrendous but he is capable of giving you practical support regardless and him actually forcing himself to do stuff will be good for his depression.

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:21:22

Just trying to get this clear - your DP has four sons, 2 with his ex who allowed them to be abused, and 2 others who he isn't allowed to see?

That's right

The mother has just had the abuser's baby as well. Baby has been adopted thank god. The boys don't know that yet though.

springymater Sat 18-May-13 12:21:43

oh dear, oh dear. No wonder you feel like you're about to break.

TOO MUCH PRESSURE. Too much going on. You're carrying the whole shebang, in its entirety.

I'm really sorry to say it but it sounds like he's a vampiric influence in your life - ie he sucks the life out of you. Maybe not intentionally, but certainly in reality. He's pulling you down with him.

I really would consider living apart - either for the time-being or permanently - and stepping right back from the stuff going on with his kids/ex. It's not your story, you dont have to carry it all, every last straw.

Have you been the one who props everyone up before? Is it a pattern in your life?

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:22:40

Look you are great, you have tried your utmost to help. But it's too much for anyone.

and it's not working.

More importantly, with any step situation, it's asking a lot of your own kids...to adapt and let other people in. This is taking the proverbial wrt what you're expecting your son to adjust to/put up with/see happening to you.

It sounds like a fucking nightmare. You cannot put him through this for another second. Your primary duty is to your own child, not the DP's, not his weird parents etc

It's like someone having a baby then deciding to knock down their house and build it at the same time, on their own

You can take on someone else's massive issues when your son no longer needs stability and security and a WELL mother who is focussing on him

Until then scrap it

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:22:55

A man who is ashamed of his sexually abused son's emotional issues is not someone I could sacrifice my sanity for.

My DS's father is ashamed of him for his poor behaviour. It's not my DP who is ashamed of his son. Sorry, I knw it's complicated.

midoriway Sat 18-May-13 12:23:43

Is it your own son's DS who is too ashamed to be involved? Sorry, I was confused. Just walk out, rebuild the life of you and your DS, your son is being destroyed by this hellish family you have invited into your lives.

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 18-May-13 12:23:50

you poor thing, you shouldn't have to cope with all of this on your own.

first things first though, why isn't your partner pulling his weight, is it because he's gradually slipped into doing less and less or has he never helped? I'd pull him up about sitting around the house all day on the laptop for a start.

you cannot be expected to do all the housework, shopping, homework etc on top of everything else.

Cerisier Sat 18-May-13 12:24:48

I agree with tribpot. You are being spread too thin helping DP's children when your own DS is going off the rails and needs all your attention.

For DS's sake and your own sanity you should get away from this warring dysfunctional family.

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:24:49

FWIW my son wanted us to be a family. He totally engaged and showed some very mature behaviour. We discussed it at length. It's only recently things have gone downhill. DS does not like to be told what to do, that's why they clashed.

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 18-May-13 12:25:24

oh sorry I wrote that when there was only one reply, got distracted by someone at the door, came back and posted it.

agree with others, put yourself and your own son first please x

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:26:24

Don't mean to be defensive, but DS does get a LOT of my attention. He said it was what he wanted - a proper family. He is good with the children.

That said, it's intolerable at the moment.

DoctorAnge Sat 18-May-13 12:27:34

Yes and your own childish come first, before you. He didn't choose this life. sad

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:27:53

Yes my own son engaged and showed maturity when I was seeing someone with issues

As soon as we broke up he told me the stuff he had thought would 'make me upset' if he was honest

You need to step up and PREVENT this going any further, if it's too much for you, it's too much for your ds.

The partner you've got involved with is highly dysfunctional and ineffectual, his family have now got a handy scapegoat in you, he is hiding behind you, what is in this for you and ds? Seriously?

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:27:57

first things first though, why isn't your partner pulling his weight, is it because he's gradually slipped into doing less and less or has he never helped? I'd pull him up about sitting around the house all day on the laptop for a start.

He used to do loads, it was very equal. I have talked to him, he says I'm nagging.

DoctorAnge Sat 18-May-13 12:28:25

Child must come first
Grr

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:29:44

Yes he has always told his family they were nagging, I imagine - now you're in the way, how convenient, he can blame you for his hopeless inadequacy instead!

It's win-win for them and lose all round for you guys

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:29:46

Other people must manage though?

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:31:14

Most families are not like this.

Even if they are, people have often been in them, more invested, for a much longer time before having to deal with such a mountain of shit.

You've barely known these people 2 years. Why are you doing this?

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:32:02

btw you do realise you're being used? They probably aren't bright enough to even know they are doing it, but you are filling a very handy sink hole for these people. They don't give a shit about you.

RandomMess Sat 18-May-13 12:32:26

Ok well I itterate.

Set your p an ultimatum about taking on responsibility for specific tasks of running a household. If he won't even do that then you are completely and utterly wasting your time.

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:33:48

Sorry OP I realise I am sounding very unkind, I do not mean to, you sound absolutely lovely. But it makes me very upset to see people being abused like this. I hope you understand.

purplewithred Sat 18-May-13 12:34:11

Your DP is sucking you dry. How can you love someone who does this to you? Takes your money, your energy, your sanity and gives absolutely nothing back in return. How is this fair? How is this fair on your DS, being in this poisonous atmosphere of court cases and violence and supervised everything?

I understand that if you dump him you feel you are also dumping his kids and you feel terribly guilty about this. But they are HIS responsibility, not yours. Are his parents so unsuitable as carers for them?

Longtallsally Sat 18-May-13 12:35:11

No great words of wisdom to add, but just wanted to say that you sound amazing. You have given so much to your new family, and you clearly have your son's needs very much at the forefront of your mind.

Is there any way in which you could get a break? Could you, and your ds, go and stay with anyone in your family at half term, and get a break/recharge your batteries. Your dp won't be over the moon, but then if you took the advice from other posters and walked away completely, he would be managing without you permanently. You do need to look after yourself, however. You can only keep giving if you have something to give.

Take care of yourself. Once again, deeply in awe of you giving so much to so many

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 18-May-13 12:36:08

He used to do loads, it was very equal. I have talked to him, he says I'm nagging.

right. well the options are to either stop doing the chores at all (easier said than done) or give him an ultimatum that he steps up. Don't wash his clothes/cook his meals/do his shopping.

I hate hate hate it when anyone uses the 'nagging' card to close down a discussion about things esp household chores they know they should be bloody well doing too.

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:37:26

Random yes I know I need to do this. I just don't have the headspace today. I've given in, called in sick and taken the diazepam the GP gave me. So I'm probably not on best form.

Orla I do understand. I don't feel abused though, I feel taken for granted.

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 18-May-13 12:38:11

yep agree with what randommess said about the chores. It is bad enough being emotionally exhausted by all this drama he and his family are causing but when you're physically exhausted too, it's just too much for one person.

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:38:43

Longtall I'm very much thinking I need to get away but don't have any holiday to take.

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:39:09

it amounts to the same thing. Why are you letting them use you like this? And what will it take for you to turn round and say, sorry, I can't do any more for you.

what do you think would happen if you did that today?

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:40:43

Orla I suspect DP would just ignore me, sulk like a child. He has started doing that when I say something he doesn't like.

RandomMess Sat 18-May-13 12:41:50

If you don't have the energy to talk to him about (wouldn't be surprised at that) then put it in writing.

Dear x, I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Here is the list of all the chores that need doing each week. Please tick the 20/30 you are going to take on responsibility for doing properly from today. If you are not prepared to do this then our relationship is over.

Blunt and to the point, not even an Aspie can pretend not to understand that.

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:42:05

Ok. And then what? What if you actually put something in motion? I know you can't go yet - waiting on a house - but well, is that actually the case? Could you find somewhere for yourself and ds?

Could someone lend you the deposit for a private rental and get HB organised? It will take a couple of weeks. You could start packing now.

forumdonkey Sat 18-May-13 12:43:27

If I was you I would leave the relationship to concentrate on your own DS.

I've no doubt that you are doing your best for everyone in awful circumstances especially your poor DSS but try taking it from your DS perspective. His DF has disowned him - complete rejection from someone who should love him unconditionally and his DM is battling and fighting for 2 other children that are not hers to stay with her. Your DP and his DS move in . There is little wonder he is clashing with your DP, what has he brought into your DS life from his perspective? - him, 2 damaged children with EBD issues, who quite rightly need a lot of support for what they've been through, court cases, stress, his attention from his DM took away etc etc. No wonder the lad is playing up and rebelling.

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 18-May-13 12:44:10

I know you are drained and don't have the headspace today but you need to tackle with your DP how you mean to go on.

you've hit a wall, living like this is unsustainable. your partner's selfish and lazy behaviour needs to change and they need to understand ASAP that you will not continue living like this.

OP you do sound lovely & very caring, I wish I could sit you down and make you a brew

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:45:17

Random that's a really good idea, I will try that.

Orla I can't borrow any money. I would prefer a council house. I've rented privately for 10 years and had to move 7 times during that time, because the lets have been cut short - selling/wanting house back/moving relative in. Very unlucky. I need security more than anything. I can get on the list, but they are like gold dust round here.

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:46:26

don'tyou thanks I'll have tissue while you're at it. Have now reached blubbing point x

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:46:41

sweetheart get on the list. now.

and don't be surprised if the list of chores thing is unsuccessful.

VodkaJelly Sat 18-May-13 12:53:13

just one quick point, why are you paying maintenance to his ex? If you have 2 of the DC's and she has 2 then it is balanced out and no maintenance should be paid. And as DP is on JSA he is only liable for £5, but again shouldnt be paying due to having 2 kids each.

My exsil took my brother to the CSA for maintenance for their DD who lived with the exsil. When the CSA rang up to assess my brother he said "What about the other 2 kids that live with me?" She had failed to mention to the CSA that the other 2 lived with him. As they had shared the residency no money had to be paid.

I know this is the least of your worries but it is something else that you are being screwed over for.

RandomMess Sat 18-May-13 12:54:44

I agree with OrlaKiely in lots of ways but presenting him with the chores is a wake up call and you will know that you gave him the option to try and make the relationship work.

"Why did she leave"
"Oh because I refused to do 75% of the chores even though she worked I don't"

It really isn't much to ask of him if he isn't prepared to that then he isn't going to consider even tackle the much bigger issues that need addressing.

RandomMess Sat 18-May-13 12:56:27

Actually if dc are split then each has to pay the other maintenance but yes dp should only be paying £5 per week and he should be claiming from his ex for the two with you.

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 18-May-13 12:57:00

tissues are at the ready xx

you will get through this, you are getting good advice here from people who want to help.

if listing the chores is unsuccessful then am afraid you will need to prioritise the list... with him firmly at the bottom or out the door

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:59:20

Thanks all, I have to head out now as it's all getting too much. I feel like my home has been taken over. I will catch up later, going to drive to the woods and sit and read for a bit.

Think a cross between Shameless and Bread - that's what my kitchen is like just now sad

tribpot Sat 18-May-13 13:01:19

I'd imagine when you got together with this guy your friends said things which are similar to the things we are saying now - you've taken on too much. This is a broken family, you are going to be sucked in to a neverending drama. And that was before your DP decided to check out of the relationship and sit on his arse all day.

Your DSSes have been failed by every single adult in their lives. I understand that you don't want to become another one but you cannot save them on your own. You don't have enough power - you can't limit the damage caused by their crap mother and father, their crap grandparents. And that's the before you start on the actual abuse they've suffered.

God knows, when your DS said he wanted to be a 'proper family', I don't think he had this in mind.

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 15:48:10

tribpot you're right about my friends. I'm a fixer, always see past the tricky bits to the good in people. Tbf, I didn't know half of what I know now. DP is actually a good father in terms of his dedication to the children and love for them. He's bowed out of the practical stuff though.

He's hiding in his games.

I've bought a spanking new notebook to write down all my thoughts.

I'm so torn as to doing the right thing for everyone. Ironically, DS is in a great mood today, chatting with DP and being really nice.

Thank you all for the advice. I need all this stuff pointed out to me.

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 15:52:59

DP hasn't showered for 5 days and rarely bothers shaving. I've just realised (sitting on bed) it smells in here. Sheets were clean on Sunday. Will have to change them again sad

Funny how it's the trivial things that tip you over. Maybe he is depressed?

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 16:08:54

Stuff him, you're depressed - or well on the way to being.

If I was in your position, with NO biological tie, or any obligation at all to these people, I would not stay - I couldn't cope with it.

I can barely cope with my own kids and issues let alone a bunch of people who were only interested in using me as a pawn between them.

If you had any shared children or stuff like that I could understand it but you don't! You hardly know them all - I don't understand why you are staying.

tribpot Sat 18-May-13 16:27:39

Good fathers don't bow out of the practical care of their children, let alone ones who've been through what these children have suffered.

There is no point looking for a solution that will magically please everyone. It doesn't exist. You have some hard choices to make. Which is why your friends didn't want you to get into this situation in the first place.

Do reach out to them - they will understand.

RandomMess Sat 18-May-13 16:30:18

he may well be depressed but if he doesn't do the minimum of practical stuff to help out you will end up down there too and worse.

Add daily showering to his list of chores!

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 16:30:49

Too ashamed now. I will have to talk to DP but doubt if I will get anywhere.

I DO know the children. I'm staying because it's hard, if not impossible to go. We only moved in 6 weeks ago.

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 16:33:35

God I wish DCs mum and family would go. I know they need to see their mum but this is hell. They all shout at the top of their voices. The TV is really loud. They have not taken the DC out AT ALL, even into the garden. DC will be a nighmare tonight.

I'm moaning now. I bore myself.

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 16:42:02

Ok love. Re 'impossible' I think you need to contact the council, and ask what they suggest. At least then you'll know what the options are. See what I mean?

Sitting there miserable going 'I don't think I can leave' isn't going to get you anywhere, but once you speak to someone and ask if it's possible, you might have a better idea.

Presumably the alternative is to stay for ever and I wouldn't recommend that smile

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 19:39:34

I know it's not impossible. I'm just sick of moving house, on top of everything else. If anything, I wish HE would go. But it would be terrible for the kids. Its terrible for me and DS. See?

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 20:09:34

Yes I see and I get you on the moving thing, it is utterly stressful at the best of times. Twice in a couple of months is pushing it - but then, going to somewhere that was just yours, no one bothering you, no court and all that nonsense, well it might be out of the frying pan and into an oasis of calm iyswim?

I am really, really sorry for you. It sounds like a hideous situation but it's not one you HAVE to be in. And if there is anything we can do to help you get out of it, then please just shout xx

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 20:10:09

Is t he house in both your names?

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 18-May-13 21:14:40

sorry if I've missed it but why does the DCs mum & family have to come round to your house to see them anyway? shouldn't the DCs go to hers?

It sounds v.stressful having them there, taking over your own home, using kitchen, blaring TV etc and you not knowing when they will leave. they sound like inconsiderate people.

orla's right, you don't have to put up with this situation. I know moving house is a pain but if its short sharp pain for longer-term peace & happiness, it will be worth it.

DippyDoohDahDay Sat 18-May-13 22:51:33

Op, having just read your thread, I think there is a lot more to come from you, I can picture you sitting there, new issues dawning on you. You are carrying too much. If you fall apart, what then for you and your son?
Your dedication to your dp's dc is clear and understandable, but as another poster said, you can still support them even if you are not there. It really sounds like you are being massively taken for granted and your posts about approaching dp drip of already being defeated and not being heard. You, however, are a very strong woman, who needs to believe she can re find a bit of her oomph, to get heard and taken seriously. Do it before you lose your oomph and struggle to find yourself x

tribpot Sun 19-May-13 10:22:52

Orla they don't exactly have to come to the OP's house but the visits must be supervised by either OP or OP's DP (which in reality means OP). So on a practical level it kind of has to be in the house (although I would be pushing for the use of a contact centre).

tribpot Sun 19-May-13 10:23:18

Sorry that was to dontyouwantmebaby, not Orla!

BumpingFuglies Sun 19-May-13 10:26:05

Yes, house is in both names. They come here because DP doesn't drive and I would have to take them otherwise. Usually I am at work. Contact has to be supervised by DP.

BumpingFuglies Sun 19-May-13 10:27:43

Oh, x post with Orla

Contact centre not available - it's a long term thing so won't get funding. Either way, I'd have to do the transport.

Yesterday was horrible, but not necessarily typical. Oh, and the ex has no car either.

BumpingFuglies Sun 19-May-13 10:28:41

Did sit down and talk with DP last night but not sure I got anywhere. Although he's being very nice today smile

tribpot Sun 19-May-13 14:28:42

Sod nice, is he being any help?

RandomMess Sun 19-May-13 17:22:09

Just what tribpot said, what has he agreed to take on?

BumpingFuglies Sun 19-May-13 18:49:01

Er, nothing really. I haven't gone into that much detail tbh. <coward emoticon>

BumpingFuglies Sun 19-May-13 18:49:35

He mowed the lawn. Lawnmower is broken grin

BumpingFuglies Sun 19-May-13 18:54:43

Apart from the lawn, no. I know, I know.

Does anyone know what I need to do to apply for council housing due to relationship break-up? I discussed this with DP, he said I need a letter from him - and that he wouldn't give it. He says he "won't lose me".

BumpingFuglies Sun 19-May-13 18:58:03

Oh, help me MN, and he has been violent to the DC. Not hitting, just grabbing LO by his arm, shouting in both their faces. And yes, I told the police, but heard nothing. Never been violent to me, but am so worried

Gah, there you go, it's out there.

He's getting worse. Please, just hold my hand, please.

Concreteblonde Sun 19-May-13 19:11:54

Oh god OP. Holding your hand. Are you safe at the minute ?

MorrisZapp Sun 19-May-13 19:13:20

So you met this guy. You presumably dated, fell in love etc, then agreed to get involved with each others kids. From there, you agreed to move in together. You moved in and everything was great, but then it went downhill and now its all totally shit, with you paying for everything and doing all the chores while he sits on his arse.

And this all took place within two years? You've skipped a few stages imo. There's no turning this one round, sorry.

RandomMess Sun 19-May-13 19:13:21

I know so litte, can you get in touch with womans aid?

CoffeePleaseSir Sun 19-May-13 19:27:48

OP you can still put your name on the council list as your in private rented, anyone can go on a council list and to be honest the longer your on the better, just call your local council and ask for the forms.

tribpot Sun 19-May-13 20:16:57

Has the violence happened today? Was it your child or one of his?

Assuming the violence wasn't today, why haven't you confronted him with what is actually concerning you? Why have you settled for a fairly pointless chat and him 'being nice' for a day? Are you afraid of what will happen if you say the words?

springymater Mon 20-May-13 01:13:58

Get in touch with WA - 0800 2000 247 (call at night if you can, lines busy during the day) re getting rehoused due to P's aggression/violence towards the kids.

YOu have to get out.

BumpingFuglies Mon 20-May-13 10:34:39

Thanks for all the replies. It's not the first time he has been aggressive to the LOs, it happens when they are being really naughty. I shout too, but don't get physical. It's his children he does it with not mine.

Coffee I am already in a council property.

I feel that if anyone should leave, it's him.

So, here's what I am doing.

Spoke to my son's EWO this morning and told her what had happened with DS and DP. She is making a referral to Families Working Together for me. Don't know much about it but will google later. I've got an appointment with the GP this morning so going to ask for urgent CAMHS referral, even though school have already done this.

Am going to write a letter to DP stating all the problems and what he needs to do. Will be telling him that if he is rough with the children again, I will report him to police. After that (and I know how these things go) I will decide if I want to or even allowed to be responsible for DSSs.

I will make a housing application anyway, but probably won't tell him.

Also going to see my mum this morning. Going to see what GP suggests but will probably go back to work tomorrow as money is tight enough as it is.

I told him the other night I would leave. He said he doesn't want to lose me, he's lost everyone else etc etc. If he really feels like that he will change. I will point this out.

Meantime, I'm going to get the house straight and finish unpacking. I can't live in this pigsty any more. It's one thing I do have control over.

Thank you all again.

BumpingFuglies Mon 20-May-13 10:36:51

If anyone has any ideas about structuring my letter, please feel free to make suggestions. Shan't be using twunt, wanker or cock-lodger though grin

dontyouwantmebaby Mon 20-May-13 14:50:01

tribpot, thank you makes sense now.

OP of course he should be the one to leave,not you! have you heard anything back from the police re the violence to DCs? I haven't experience of this, am not best to advise. Have you contacted Woman's Aid?

I wouldn't waste time writing a letter to him about all the problems, if he really doesn't want to lose you as he claims, then he's an adult, he can listen to what you're telling him. I'd report him if he is rough with the children and has a history of this. I think you should get him out of your house and life tbh but I know this is easier said than done. If you are clearing up the house, does this mean he is still sitting on his arse doing nothing?

BumpingFuglies Mon 27-May-13 19:09:18

Ok. He has done it again - grabbed LO by the arm and yanked him to the stairs. I AM NOT LEAVING THE CHILDREN. My Ds is with a friend. I can't leave. How can I get this sorted without him knowing its me? I am desperate and thank you for all previous replies and I know it seems I didn't listen to you but please...hmm

MushroomSoup Mon 27-May-13 19:43:42

Deep breath.
Have you rung the police?

BumpingFuglies Mon 27-May-13 19:53:55

Not yet

MushroomSoup Mon 27-May-13 19:57:37

Why not? You need to do it in order to get the right help.
Be brave.

BumpingFuglies Mon 27-May-13 20:20:13

Can I text police for help? It's getting worse

MushroomSoup Mon 27-May-13 21:05:14

Not without previously having registered your phone.

Can't you ring? Go to the loo if you can & take your mobile.
If you can't, PM me your address. I'll ring the police for you.
Stay strong

BumpingFuglies Mon 27-May-13 22:50:22

Thank you mushroom. Boys safe in bed with me. Have SW coming tomorrow.

MushroomSoup Mon 27-May-13 22:52:43

So pleased you're all ok. Have been refreshing, refreshing, refreshing this page and didn't dare go to bed!

I hope you sleep as well and as easily as possible.

I'll check in on you in the morning.

BumpingFuglies Tue 28-May-13 10:10:50

DP still here. Other than talk to SW I don't know what to do. Boys and I are up, DP still in bed. Have had to go off work today, disaster really as I'm the only earner and don't get sick pay.

Am at the lowest ever ebb. Cannot think straight.

BumpingFuglies Tue 28-May-13 10:11:26

He did say he might leave today sad

What a total fucking mess.

Bumping are you and the children ok? If you feel SW not helping have you tried Women's Aid? 0808 2000 247 (Free phone number)

MushroomSoup Tue 28-May-13 14:01:27

Do you want him to leave?

BumpingFuglies Tue 28-May-13 22:03:43

Mushroom are you there?

MushroomSoup Tue 28-May-13 22:26:33

Yes I'm here.
How are you?

MushroomSoup Tue 28-May-13 22:41:40

Come and talk to me. I'll be fretting over you again tonight!

BumpingFuglies Tue 28-May-13 23:39:05

So sorry for late reply. Thank you so much I know I am a lost cause. Don't stay up for me x

MushroomSoup Tue 28-May-13 23:41:10

Still here. How was your day?

BumpingFuglies Tue 28-May-13 23:41:10

Am at work Tomorrow so may be able to post more. TY TY

MushroomSoup Wed 29-May-13 08:52:38

Still here x

MushroomSoup Wed 29-May-13 21:39:27

And still here x

BumpingFuglies Thu 30-May-13 00:10:48

Thanks Mushroom

I called the police tonight. They came, but because DC don't have visible injuries, i.e. no red marks, they could not arrest him. Had Mum here also, but she has gone home now.

DP got very arsey with my DS, but DS (am so proud) did not rise to it.

Never saw SW, but police told me to call her tomorrow.

DP gone to bed, I'm sleeping on sofa.

Defeated.

MushroomSoup Thu 30-May-13 02:43:06

You're not defeated. You're are doing everything you need to be doing, even though it's hard.

In the morning we'll write a list of the things that you can do to ease the stress and get things moving.

Where abouts are you? Maybe you need some more rl help.

Thinking of you brew

MushroomSoup Thu 30-May-13 10:27:31

Morning Fuglies. Hope you got a bit of sleep.
What do we need to do today?

LuisSuarezTeeth Thu 30-May-13 22:20:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuisSuarezTeeth Thu 30-May-13 22:21:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MushroomSoup Sun 02-Jun-13 18:53:06

Still here and checking in.

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