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CRAP wife, mother and friend :(.. be gentle and hugs pls

(47 Posts)
makemeslim Wed 15-May-13 18:53:37

Say's it in the title, My husband thinks i'm crap, my Kids think i'm crap and i don't really have close friends cause i don't allow myself to and when i do they don't like me so what's the point??
I do everything i can for everyone, so why am i so fecking crap??
Is it because i do to much or what, and how do i change things, i'm a outgoing person whom people who i know from school runs and groups ( child led) think I'm lovely,,blush so why is it the close people hate me so much??

I do have a overwhelming scene of self pity I've just being informed by my eldest whos birthday I've just ruined so he tells me, and i also ruin every other occasion for everyone,( but my sister also tells me the same which breaks my heart sad haven't spoken for over 12 months and the rest of the siblings went with her!!) God i wish i could just be so fecking great and perfect like the rest of them confused

BumpingFuglies Wed 15-May-13 18:55:23

You're not crap. Tell us a bit more x

JollyGolightly Wed 15-May-13 18:57:26

What is it that they are objecting to? How in their eyes, do you ruin things?

Hassled Wed 15-May-13 18:59:07

What age are they? My older kids both went through a stage where everything about me was crap - they came out of it again.

No-one really thinks they're perfect - but what has been going on?

SisterMatic Wed 15-May-13 19:01:52

Keep talking, we will hold your hand.

makemeslim Wed 15-May-13 20:34:03

Today, his birthday, not a lot of money to go out for a meal, so i make a nice birthday tea, simple but special snack type stuff, he appeared not to happy when he came home so i tried to cheer him up, maybe to much, singing happy birthday, blowing whistle blow out thingy's, just tried to make a bit of a fuss, obviously didn't work, asked him what he wanted to do, he said i don't know, girlfriend not back at this point, i'd brought all his favorites and could have done without spending the money tbh, but wanted to make him feel special on his birthday, he had to walk past my hard effort to go to his room, which he did after telling us all to stop f***ng annoying him after the whistle/ singing , so i left him to it for a while, then when he does come down he shouts at someone (i'm sure he was joking,, i think!! to stop eating HIS food!!) to which i said, hang on a minute i've spent time and money to make this effort for you, this is not acceptable, the for is for your Birthday, but for the family,, He stormed upstairs to his room, then after a few minutes appeared with his girlfriend and overnight bag and screamed at me that everything no matter what day it was was about ME!!!! and i should take hold then stormed out the house, i made sure everyone felt ok and asked them to take no notice and not be upset and enjoy the food.. Everyone has been fine since and he;s not come back, i've turned my mobile off, cause i do after a certain time because i use it for work..

makemeslim Wed 15-May-13 20:41:10

23 today, 19 and 6, JollyGolightly hubby makes no effort in our house or relationship and occasionally i go POP, cause I'm treated like a Mug, don't get me wrong i love the bones of them but i'd also like a thank you when i do their breakfast dinner, washing etc..

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 15-May-13 20:44:05

Your 23 year old spoke to you like that? I was expecting you to say 12 year old!

Why on earth are you doing his washing?

GlitterFingers Wed 15-May-13 20:45:33

I thought you was going to say he was 7 today. I'm 23 in a few weeks and there is no way I would talk to my parent like that. Ungrateful so and so

makemeslim Wed 15-May-13 20:51:40

YUP, i want to kill him some days,, Im a mug of a mom, spent all my savings on my kids, gone without myself, and now in debt to, he pays no house keeping an speaks to me like im dirt, but hes also up to his neck in debt so can only stay at his girlfriends on weekends ( when we get a break from each other!!) And tbh, id rather him clear his debt than give me money which he is doing, i think he was upset about something when he came in and i got the back lash, but i do feel gutted after the effort i mad sad

Loulybelle Wed 15-May-13 20:54:02

Hang on, your 23 yr old son, someone who should be a grown man spoke to you like that.

Make, what you need to do, is to STOP, trying to please everything, because it appears that no one is bloody grateful for the things you do.

I'd be kicking your 23 yr old out of the house, how dare he speak to you like that, entitled little shit.

Fuck everyone else Make and start pleasing yourself, they obviously take you for granted, so stop doing things for them and they might realise just how much you for people.

stowsettler Wed 15-May-13 20:54:42

Chuck the little sod out, he'll soon realise how much you do for him. I was paying rent, doing my own washing and cooking my own meals at that age.

makemeslim Wed 15-May-13 20:55:09

Pobblewhohasnotoes, cause he doesn't do it propely and it makes my house stink.. But i'm going to bag it tomorrow and put it in the SHED!!!

noisytoys Wed 15-May-13 20:57:20

23? Blimey!! At 23 I was married with my own house and 2 DC's. No way would I talk to anyone like that. He needs to grow up fast!!

makemeslim Wed 15-May-13 21:01:32

Loulybelle, i know, i try and last about 3 days, i cant help it please tell me how to stop i know that is the answer, i lost my Mom when i was 16, and then was on my own for various reasons so i think im trying to give them what i never had, and its hard undoing what ive done all my life, putting others 1st!!

GlitterFingers Wed 15-May-13 21:02:12

Don't put yourself down you made an effort for him. He was ungrateful and immature. Just go get drunk wine and eat the buffet food. I love buffet food I don't mind eating his share smile

makemeslim Wed 15-May-13 21:02:18

Loulybelle sure you mean well, but not helpful sad

makemeslim Wed 15-May-13 21:04:58

noisytoys yes he needs a mother to stop being a MUG.. But HOW?? it's me who allows this to happen so i'm the one who needs kind words of advice .. Not a attack
Glitterfingers, yes the wine is flowing,, food made everyone else eat, i'm on SW

noisytoys Wed 15-May-13 21:12:42

I didn't mean to attack you sorry if it came across that way thanks

Loulybelle Wed 15-May-13 21:14:51

Sorry, Make, but he does come across as very entitled, and no one should be made to crap, when they obviously do alot for people.

It does sound like you are very much take for granted.

makemeslim Wed 15-May-13 21:17:40

People take advantage if you let them, i know that, it's me who needs to change my soft ways to make them stop taking advantage, but i just cant stick to it, i was on Ad, and saw a counselor and even he said i was a mug in a nice way!!)) i just want to make people happy.

GlitterFingers Wed 15-May-13 21:19:08

No one seems happy unfortunately hmm

makemeslim Wed 15-May-13 21:20:27

i know Loulybelle, as post above i'm the MUG here.. i need to learn how not to be,, i dont find putting myself as a priority easy.

Loulybelle Wed 15-May-13 21:23:43

Make, i have been a people pleaser for a very long time, to the point people didnt just walk all over me, they wiped their feet on me.

Theres nothing wrong with wanting to make people happy, but you shouldnt be spoken to in such vile way.

Your obviously a nice caring person, sensitive, and people play on that.

Try and do things that make you happy, delegate some responsibility.

You sound unhappy, dont be offended by that, but you do, you need to do something for yourself, to raise your self esteem.

Its how i learned not to worry about what people think about me.

makemeslim Wed 15-May-13 21:24:04

Glitterfingers,, exactly so what the heck am i doing wrong??

makemeslim Wed 15-May-13 21:30:40

That is me, i've been the same since a child i recognize, much to my horror, with great sadness, how do you begin to break such a mould?? My eldest is a very strong person whom does uses a situation to his benefit, the rest just take the ride, who would blame them ay.. im so fed up of being a doormat!! sad

Woofers Wed 15-May-13 21:31:01

I'm really sorry you are having a tough time with your family at the mo.

It's wonderful that you are a very caring person and spent a lot of time and effort getting his favourite foods etc.

Sounds like he was in a grump coming up the garden path, and has deflected it onto you.

It's hard to be tough to someone you love, but tough love sometimes does work. I appreciate he has debt to pay etc but I hope he has a job? So, I would tell him as of DATE he will be expected to either pay £20 (or something) a week OR a big household chore which you currently are doing.

As for dh - you are in a partnership not a employee. He needs to pull his weight, be it doing chores or standing up to his son when he speaks to you in that way.

Failing that buy Shirley valentine and get lots of holiday brochures

And finally - book yourself in for a massage grin

makemeslim Wed 15-May-13 21:37:00

Thank you all for your support, i need my bed now but shall return tomorrow, i have a day off on Friday and no-one or nothing to do, how terribly sad is that for a woman of a certain age with No money sad shall call by tomorrow and thank yo all for your very very kind word and understanding flowers or wine or both x

GlitterFingers Wed 15-May-13 21:44:08

Make yourself happy and hopefully everything else will fall in to place. Do something different on Friday even of its a walk in the park or a trip to the library. Chin up my love

foolonthehill Wed 15-May-13 21:49:16

Um; guessing 23 year old learned how to treat you from his dad?

i totally recognise your problem and empathise completely. However to be able to put in place good and healthy boundaries so that you and others respect you id going to take some work and i think you will need support. Am seeing that you are not over financially blessed at present, but would it be possible for you to access some counselling so you can start to value yourself better and expect to be valued by others?

i do feel for you. No-one should feel as bad as this and no-one should be spoken to like that. you deserve better.

FannyBazaar Wed 15-May-13 21:56:43

Have you tried writing a letter to the 23 year old? Tell him how you feel about his behaviour. Do you feel strong enough to set out some rules in the letter? How about:

If you wish to remain living here rent free, I expect the following:

1) Put your washing out on time or wash it yourself

2) Prepare a meal for the whole family once a week, including buying the food.

3) Take your turn at the washing up

4) Set a good example for your siblings in your speech and actions.

5) Treat me with respect and I will respect you and treat you like an adult.

If you are not happy with these rules, please consider your options for accommodation elsewhere.

The others could all do with a letter too!

makemeslim Thu 16-May-13 10:18:59

Thank you all for your help and advice, im actually going to write a whole load of rules for all of them, it will be their when the get in tonight, they can begin to do a lot more than they ever have including cooking, cleaning and RESPECT!!! Wish me luck and thank you all fro your advice and kindness

Dahlen Thu 16-May-13 10:31:01

makemeslim - I"m sorry you're having such a hard time of things at the moment. I hope the day improves for you.

Having read your posts (and particularly your thread title), I think the biggest problem in all this is your H, unfortunately. Your DC have clearly grown up seeing your H treat you with precious little respect and so your eldest is simply repeating the behaviour that he sees as perfectly respectable. In essence, you are this family's whipping boy. sad

How do you think they will respond to your list tonight? I suspect you will get nowehere unless you start demanding, not asking, to be treated with respect. That means action, not threats of "do this or..." what exactly? You'll be upset? I doubt they'll care. sad You need consequences you can carry out, such as refusing to pick up after anyone, do anyone else's laundry or cooking. Do you think you can you do that?

You've been this family's unappreciated maidservant for so long that I doubt any of them have the first idea of exactly how much you do and how much their own lives would unravel if you stopped doing it. No amount of telling them will get them to understand. You need to demonstrate it.

I wish you luck.

makemeslim Thu 16-May-13 12:22:30

Dahlen, thank you so much for your words, you have hit the nail on the head, i have just finished the ironing, left hubby's (To be fair to him he does offer to do his own.. so yes actually he can!wink!!)and eldest's for him to do from now on, Eldest didn't come back last night i guess he stayed at his girlfriends house, and they normally stay there until Sunday now, And his dirty washing will stay in his room in the basket where he's left it, he can do it himself now, there'as enough for a load, i have no problem doing their washing if it's put in the wash basket , but will no longer go and collect it of the floor and let them find it all ironed and hung in the wardrobe.
I've made it like this and its my own fault, from now on i'm going to put far more importance on ME!!!! i know i'm in for a rocky road of letting them get on with it, but i know i need to get this situation sorted for once and for all, My eldest is in for a real shock, if he wants feeding, he can also go and buy it before cooking it for himself and his girlfriend, they are no longer going to get the treatment they have for him to speak to me the way he did.. I just need to be strong and stick to my guns thank you once again for your kind words it means alot . smile

ajandjjmum Thu 16-May-13 12:29:55

You owe it to yourself and your family to learn not to be a mug. Hope you have a good day on Friday. smile

makemeslim Thu 16-May-13 12:42:12

Thank you, im trying to arrange to go out with a NICE friend,, if not maybe a swim or the Gym ( but do you have to be a member for this??), or a walk, or nails, but they'd get wrecked whilst playing with my little girl so that would be a waste of money really, oh What can i do on my own that's not too sad smile

foolonthehill Thu 16-May-13 12:59:39

there are PAYGo gyms, guess they can be googled?
swimming is good if you like it and it relaxes you
spa /massage/facial/
For free you can go to a department store and have your make-up done
Take a book/magazine to a nice tea shop or go and sit in the sun looking at the blossom,
art gallery/museum
lunchtime concerts in local city
cinema I like to go alone...but that might not be your thing!

Pinkyorkbunny Thu 16-May-13 13:07:57

What an ungrateful little sod... sorry makemeslim

I grew up in a family who had very little money (and then my mum abandoned me when I was 9) and when she did come back it just seemed like she couldn't be arsed with any of us apart from her new baby.

I would have loved loved loved a mum like you! All the effort you went into and him knowing you don't have a lot of money I feel for you. I think you should show him this thread and the fact that some of us NEVER had a birthday tea or cake (unless we made it ourselves)!!!

Feel free to adopt me as a replacement I'm only 30... grin

makemeslim Thu 16-May-13 13:08:30

There is a new gym, with a pool, i may ask if they do a day pass.. thanks x

YellowTulips Thu 16-May-13 13:52:29

He is 23 not 13.

Stop treating him like a child with a 10 year olds birthday tea and he might stop behaving like one.

Sounds like you actually need to start be selfish rather than selfless.

Given no one appreciates what you do - stop doing it. Don't do their washing etc.

Focus on improving your own morale and sense of worth and start by telling your son if he speaks to you like that again he can move out.

makemeslim Thu 16-May-13 16:19:30

Thank you Yellow Tulips, maybe you could be a little more sensitive to others, the tea party was actually because my little girl who is 7 wanted it. sad

foolonthehill Thu 16-May-13 22:36:05

and a 23 year old is old enough to know that and to appreciate that birthdays are for everyone.......not just the "birthday boy".

makemeslim Fri 17-May-13 09:30:36

Foolonthehill, agreed, I've already begun to put into practice my new life, That Means I'm on the TOP of the priority list, not the bottom!! grin

foolonthehill Fri 17-May-13 13:53:04

grin sings "the only way is up" loudly and badly!

foolonthehill Fri 17-May-13 13:53:42

Have you plans in place/support to keep up with the new you when things go tits up??

DisappointedHorse Fri 17-May-13 14:12:44

OP, you sound lovely and very much like my Mum who bends over backwards for everyone she meets but because of a lack of assertiveness, often gets taken for granted. My Dad is the worst offender, he's not disrespectful luckily, but bone bloody idle and selfish. Nothing gets done if she doesn't do it.

She has taken on a whole new lease of life in recent years though and stands up for herself. It can take a long while to change habits that are so ingrained but little things yield big results so far.

Be warned, you may get a backlash and things get worse before they get better but you're not doing them any favours by letting them get away with it. Your son has learned that it's ok to treat people badly, even those who love you and his future partners might bear the brunt. Your daughter may learn that is expected that she will be treated like that which would be a tragedy.

It sounds like the worm has turned though, good luck.

oldwomaninashoe Fri 17-May-13 15:05:46

Op I am interested as to why you have no contact with any of your siblings.
What has caused this?
You say everyone thinks you are "crap" and treats you accordingly.
I don't mean to be harsh, but are you a human doormat that everone wipes their feet on (and you allow them to) or do you think that you genuinely annoy/irritate those around you?
What I am trying to say is do you think your problems are the result of a character flaw or your lack of assertiveness??

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