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Start / warning signs of an abusive relationship?

(54 Posts)
Eastie77 Wed 15-May-13 17:30:00

I am after some advice because I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive or if I should be genuinely concerned about my situation.

I am currently 8 months pregnant and would say that 99% of the time things are fine between myself & DP. He has been great throughout the
pregnancy, very supportive. And yet...I find myself concerned at what I view as signs of very controlling behaviour.

The main issue is DP's obsession with certain medical issues related to my pregnancy. He is extremely mistrustful of health professionals and this stems from the death of his parents a few years ago who both died after battling various illnesses for a while. He blames the doctors for this and as a result is very 'anti' health authorities, medical treatments etc. I should point out that his parents died abroad in his birth country and not the UK.

He has declared that our baby will not have any vaccinations under any circumstances as they are dangerous and bombards me daily with anti-vac e-mails, videos, blogs etc while I am at work and has also brought home books. He gets absolutely furious if I even suggest that that the baby should be immunized against anything and starts shouting. He has decreed that the baby will not have a Vit K injection (it is poisonous) and had a huge melt-down last month when I had a glucose intolerance test because Lucozade is 'harmful'. He does not like me visiting the mid-wife because, to quote a text he sent me yesterday, 'she might want to do some kind of experiment with you and give you medication that will harm you'. He became agitated when I started discussing pain relief during our NCT class and insists I will not need to take anything.

When I try to talk rationally, try to meet him halfway etc he just becomes even more agitated and starts shouting over me. i cannot take the stress and so end up leaving the room. These arguments (well I say arguments - I no longer talk back so it is just his rants ) occur about once a month. Afterwards I get the silent treatment for a few days but during this time he will continue to cook meals for me, do the housework, shopping, give me massages etc but it is all done with barely concealed anger. He is also complete hypochondriac and over-reacts every time he has a slight illness - e.g. he wanted to call out an ambulance when he had a pain in his foot a couple of months ago.

So this week he has been in a terrible mood since Monday. I had no idea why and kept asking what was wrong. Finally this morning he had a massive outburst and started shouting that I don't listen to him when he gives me advice about the baby and it's health and I am shutting him out. It turned out he was angry that I went to an Aqua Natal class on Monday because I could have gotten a cold after leaving the pool (he didn't mention anything about not wanting me to go) and yesterday I got caught in the rain when coming home from work which is another sign I do not care about him or the baby's health because I should not have been walking about in that weather!!. He aggressively demanded I should not go to work or to my mid-wife's appointment today as it was too cold to leave the house. The shouting went on for 15 mins while I sat on the bed bewildered and in tears as he left for work. I ended up calling in sick and re-arranging my MW appointment as I can't cope with this bullying.

He called mid morning and when he learnt I stayed at home he suddenly became much brighter and sounded more like his old self. This is what worries me. He is now being nice to me because I'm doing what he ordered me to do. I can see this pattern continuing: he gets angry for an unspecified reason and subjects me to silent treatment for days, he finally admits (shouts) what the problem is. The anger continues until I cave and do what he wants. I can only envisage things getting worse once the baby arrives. I found myself day dreaming this morning about having the baby, packing my bags and leaving to go to South America where some of my family live. And yet...I think in so many ways he will be a fantastic dad, he is so affectionate when he is behaving 'normally' and already shows so much love towards the unborn baby. I sit looking at the nursery and the furniture he has painstainkingly put together and consider the fact that in all non-medical matters he completely defers to whatever I want e.g. he had a strong preference for 2 baby names which i over-ruled and he accepted it and said he would be happy with whatever I choose as he just wants me to be happy. He always calls and asks permission before going out with friends in case I want him to come home and need him for anything, turned down an invite to the stag do of a good friend in case I got upset, does more or less everything around the house at the moment on top of this job. I just do not know how to handle these periodic outbursts and worry that the 'nice' behaviour is part of a larger manipulative agenda.

Thanks for reading if you got this far, i just needed to get this off my chest.

E

lolaflores Wed 15-May-13 17:36:30

Imagine what the "rules" will be like when the baby comes? He is getting between you and proper medical supervision whicch is vital. He is dictating about pain reliefe during labour....!?
Nicer to you when you comply?
This is not going to get better my love. Only worse.
Please think about who you are with. None of this is normal or supportive behaviour for a woman who is pregnant. He sounds paranoid to be honest if he thinks the MW will be doing experiments on you.

Ogg Wed 15-May-13 17:37:04

I don't want to leave you unanswered but I think you need some expert advice as these are major issues at a time when you are very vulnerable. I would be personally packing my back in secret.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 15-May-13 17:42:01

"He is now being nice to me because I'm doing what he ordered me to do. I can see this pattern continuing: he gets angry for an unspecified reason and subjects me to silent treatment for days, he finally admits (shouts) what the problem is. The anger continues until I cave and do what he wants."

This is classic emotionally abusive behaviour - psychological bullying if you prefer - and is utterly unacceptable. Abuse often gets a lot worse with the arrival of a first child so he's following the pattern almost to the letter. I think he possibly has some undiagnosed MH issues surrounding his obsessive and frankly unhinged behaviour regarding medical matters .... but I really wouldn't stick around to find out what they might be.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 15-May-13 17:42:35

This is going to be difficult, I'm afraid. I've been on 'the other side of the desk' (as it were) from people with very fixed beliefs about health issues eg vaccination, and there's no reasoning with them - there's plenty of pseudo-science on dodgy websites to maintain their illusion that they speak 'the truth', and if there is disagreement about immunisation/specific child health care issues between parents then the only way to go is through the courts... which usually only happens when parents are separated. Would he consider making a doctors appointment with you to discuss it there? I would add that it is absolutely not for him to dictate pain relief in labour - it's not his pain!!

TheVermiciousKnid Wed 15-May-13 17:53:12

There's definitely emotional abuse going on...

His views on health etc are extreme. It's all very well to have different opinions on vaccinations etc, but you need to be able to discuss them rationally with him and he can't just dictate what is going to happen. The stuff about aquanatal, going out in the cold etc is frankly bonkers. Personally, I couldn't cope with those attitudes.

In view of his attitude to pain relief in labour, I would also question whether he is a good person to be with you in labour. The last thing you want is somebody underminding you and telling you what (not) to do.

BalloonSlayer Wed 15-May-13 18:01:28

Hmm, I certainly think his behaviour is abusive, but it sounds to me as if he is suffering from Health Anxiety and it is stemming from that, eg how much would you shout at one of your DCs if you found them dangling another DC off the bannisters? If he genuinely believes that all these things are so dangerous he must be in a real panic.

I'd suggest speaking to your Midwife and GP, expressing your very real concern about his behaviour. I'd hope you'd be able to agree that if, say, in labour you wanted pain relief and he started kicking off, that he would be removed from the delivery suite.

I'd better shut up now as I am crap at these threads but having suffered anxiety myself I can't help interpreting this as "he is worried about you and the baby and this has sparked off a breakdown because he thinks he is going to have to leave you in the care of the NHS, which he doesn't trust" rather than "nasty bastard."

I really think he needs help.

TheVermiciousKnid Wed 15-May-13 18:09:13

What was he like before you were pregnant? Was there the same pattern of him being cross/not talking to you if you didn't do what he wanted and being nice as soon as you complied?

I agree with BallonSlayer that he may well be suffering from health anxiety. Discussing it with your midwife would be good first step!

handcream Wed 15-May-13 18:19:52

Could I ask what country his poarents passed away in? The reason I am asking is despite all the headlines compared to some countries we are streets ahead. During labour with our first without any indication beforehand my DH thought he would take charge of.all decisions! I asked him to leave if he was going to carry on like that, apparently he read somewhere than women lose all sense of reason during labour!!

There are some horrible red flags here but I think you know that. Please get some help. A close relative, friend that can support you perhaps?

AlfalfaMum Wed 15-May-13 18:27:20

He obviously does have issues around health and health care professionals, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour towards OP... I've suffered from anxiety, and while it can be very debilitating, it never caused me to shout abuse at my husband for 15 minutes while he sat on the bed bewildered and in tears. Let's not minimise his behaviour please.

Eastie77 Wed 15-May-13 18:29:27

Thank you for your replies, it is a relief to get other opinions on this as I haven't discussed this with anyone in RL. To answer some of your points/ questions:-

His behaviour was nothing like this before I fell pregnant. He was (and sometimes still is) the most easy-going person I know. I never saw the hint of a flash of temper. At the beginning of the pregnancy he was fine as well. Then, around 3/4 months in he began making comments about my eating habits and saying I eat too many sweets, chocolates. Nothing major but just little digs. As the pregnancy progressed he became a bit dictatorial about the vitamins I was taking as he insisted vits from high street stores are synthetic and bad for me. He began ordering vitamins, lotions and potions from all kinds of random sites and insisting I take them which I refused to do. I posted a few months ago about this and his insistance that I take a pregnancy complex made by a company I'd never heard of - another poster replied that they are completely safe but still..

Yes he is very paranoid & mistrustful towards doctors etc and I have wondered about mental health issues but he is so completely rational in all other areas and I don't generally think MH problems are confined to one very specific area in this way? Or are they..?

The sites he sends me are almost all US based and most of the articles are written by people who frankly seem completely crazy to me. There have been a couple of UK ones which had reasoned arguments against vaccinations but they are few and far between. He spends hours poring over these sites, watching YouTube videos etc.

My mid-wife said she could not give specific information about the vacs but advised that I make an appt for both of us to meet with a health visitor to discuss this. DP agreed to this but has already said the HV will just 'come out with the usual crap about vaccinations being harmless' so he has already made up his mind.

I worry that I am over sensitive sometimes but I grew up in a house with a dad who shouted/screamed at my mum almost daily and it ruined my childhood. Because of this, the moment he raises his voice I get stomach pains just like I did when I was a child and go into shut down mode. On several occasions he has seemed genuinely shocked when I pulled him up on the shouting and has said that although he raises his voice he never actually shouts at me and he is not angry at me, just concerned for me & baby.

I would say he def has health anxiety issues which I think are linked to his parents death and unfortunately his brother was also diagnosed with cancer a couple of years now (thankfully he recently got the all clear). He has said he wants to talk about this rationally when he gets home tonight, we will see.

Thanks
E

LadyVJJ Wed 15-May-13 18:29:35

Eastie 77 I am not saying it isn't EA or a form of bullying that you are experiencing from your OH. I just wanted to say that he sounds depressed and the loss of his parents seems to have contributed to an obsessive illness that is affecting yours and his lives. Has he spoken to any health professionals about this? Or do you think his distrust of medical personnel will prevent him from going down this route?

PurpleThing Wed 15-May-13 18:32:37

Agree with the others, even if he has very strong feelings about vacs, natural birth etc it is the way he is going about it that is so worrying.

You are not going to work or medical appointments because he is bullying you. sad

And then 'rewarding' you by being nice the rest of the time. My (abusive) ex also used to do the whatever you want thing too, about issues that he wasn't keen to control. It doesn't make the controlling behaviour ok. Women's Aid would take that very seriously. Most abusers aren't bastards 100% of the time or else no-one would fall in love with them.

Please speak to your mw about it and give the concrete examples that you have outlined in your post.

TheVermiciousKnid Wed 15-May-13 18:34:17

Let's not minimise his behaviour please.

I do agree, AlfalfaMum. Health anxiety or not, his behaviour is unacceptable and worrying, to put it mildly! But the health anxiety, if that is what it is, could explain his change of behaviour. I don't know how treatable it is - or if he is amenable to treatment. In any case, the OP should not be subjected to it.

TheVermiciousKnid Wed 15-May-13 18:35:19

It's also possible (likely?) that this behaviour will continue or escalate and may spread to issues other than health.

QueenQueenie Wed 15-May-13 18:35:21

He is either quite ill and needs help and / or he is controlling and abusive.
Either which way you need to think about what is best for you and your baby and whether you can envisage co-parenting with someone like this. best of luck OP.

Eastie77 Wed 15-May-13 18:35:46

His parents passed away in Italy. The health care over there is pretty good as far as I am aware but he said the doctors were all to blame etc.
I have told him that he will not make decisions about my pain relief during labour (planning a water birth but have stated that if I can't cope I would like to be removed from pool and given an epi) and he seemed to back down but I agree there are red flags and the signs are ominous so he might end up having to be removed from the birthing suite.

In terms of packing and leaving...we live in my property so if anyone leaves it will not be mesmile

BabyHMummy Wed 15-May-13 18:39:02

Your other half certainly needs help. His behaviour is not normal.

It certainly sounds like emotional abuse and bullying but chances are there are underlying reasons for it I would think.

For what its worth there are reports etc that suggest that vacs are dangerous but there is a mammoth amount of evidence to show they are harmless. Look at the outbreak of measles in wales due to ppl not getting vacs for their kids.

PurpleThing Wed 15-May-13 18:42:00

OP the fact that grew up with a dad who behaved like this is another red flag for the relationship. Without realising it we often pick partners that enable us to create the same dynamic as our parents, even if it was a horrible one. Because it is what we know and relate to even if it is very unhealthy.

Also a lovely seeming man who starts to be controlling once you get pregnant is a common pattern. It is because pregnancy and looking after small children makes us physically, emotionally and financially vulnerable. He also has a core belief that he knows better than you what is good for your body. He believes he is superior to you, not an equal who has equally valid opinions on your dc's health.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 15-May-13 18:45:47

Unlike QueenQueenie, I think he needs help and he is controlling/abusive at the same time. You have to lay this on the line, I'm afraid. As it stands, you cannot afford to have him around you when you are just a few weeks from giving birth. There are all kinds of risks in the peri-natal/post-natal stages and the last thing you need is an abusive man making you anxious enough to miss appointments or compromising on your care. He is actually dangerous at the moment.

So I think you need to ask him to leave, get the help he needs and only when you're satisfied that he has conquered whatever it is that is causing him to act the way he is acting will he be allowed back.

Celticcat Wed 15-May-13 18:46:04

Just have one question, OP. If he mistrusts Health Professionals so much on your Account, how come he wanted an ambulance for a pain in his foot? Or is just you that must suffer the inconvenience of not turning to hospitals etc? Xx

calmingtea Wed 15-May-13 18:47:46

He needs therapy. Perhaps he has some odd form of OCD. Or PTSD? Who knows. If I were in your shoes, from what you describe, I would be tempted to insist on a separation until ... well, he changes and stops forcing you to abide by what he decrees. He has no right to dictate that you can't swim, or have an epidural, or that your child can't be vaccinated. Some babies die because they need vitamin K injections. If he continues with his neuroses, what is your child going to pick up on.

Hissy Wed 15-May-13 19:34:15

I think you have to tell him to go.

I don't see this ever getting any better. He IS trying to control you, and tbh, there is an element of this in the italian culture. If he grew up with a dad like this, he is defaulting to that.

THE ONLY WAY he will put a stop to this, is if he is forced to. You telling him to get out and showing him that you are prepared to go ALL the way when it comes to YOU making decisions for YOUR life and future will be the strongest message he is likely to get.

Men like him will cost you your job (you have already fucked ONE day off due to him) and your health. You are ALREADY physically suffereing as a result of fear of him.

This man is bad news. IF you STAMP on this hard and fast, he may change. If he doesn't and you have got rid of him, job done.

Life with a guy like this is not life, it's a living death.

FairPhyllis Wed 15-May-13 19:43:23

He is treating you like an incubator. He does not see you as a real person. This is severe emotional abuse.

You should make him leave. Even if some type of anxiety were at play here (and I am sceptical that is really the case here) that does not mean he gets to put your health and the baby's health at risk or make you suffer pain or mess around with your work just to appease his anxiety.

If you don't make him leave, before you know it he will bully you into stopping work permanently and prevent you from seeing any healthcare provider whatsoever. You will then have very few sources of support and he will be all the more able to control you totally. Get him out, NOW.

lemonstartree Wed 15-May-13 19:56:42

I'm sorry but this is really scary. His behaviour is extreme and potentially dangerous to you and you unborn child. Antenatal care is the reason many less women die in childbirth or shortly after (now as opposed to even 100 years ago) and his attitude, causing you to miss appointments, is frightening

As for vaccinations ? FFS, will he refuse to allow you child to be vaccinated against tetanus ? which can kill you and the bacterium which cause s it is found everywhere ?

I would get rid pronto. sorry but I would. He sounds unhinged Let him sort out his own weird health beliefs, and get help himself of he wants to. Take care of yourself...

Leverette Wed 15-May-13 19:57:27

This is extreme and I wonder if he has a diagnosable mental health issue with regards to his evident paranoia. Please speak with your midwife urgently and get whatever help you need to escape this person.

SorryMyLollipop Wed 15-May-13 20:01:52

I agree with most other posters. He does seem to be emotionally abusing you.

Also, he turned down the invite to a Stag do of a good friend "in case" you got upset?? Did you ask him to or imply that you would be upset? If not then he decided not to go and also decided to tell you that he wasn't going because of you, because of how much he cares etc. Did this make you feel guilty/grateful? It seems quite manipulative, he decided not to go for "your" sake. Hmmmm...

LongGoneBeforeDaylight Wed 15-May-13 20:04:39

I think it sounds like he has health anxiety. Send him for CBT.

I agree his behaviour is abusive. It doesn't matter whether he is depressed, grieving, scared, he should not be taking his anxiety out on you.

There is no way you should continue with this situation as it is.

Contact Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.

I think you also need to get another birth partner asap, someone who will support you and your birth choices.

How dare he dictate your pain relief during labour angry

fastyspeedyfast Wed 15-May-13 20:09:56

I think he needs to move out. You cannot continue like this, especially not now. Who else can you call on to have with you for the baby's birth?

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 20:11:08

Haven't read all posts but was very alarmed by your initial post OP. This is definitely emotional abuse and it will get worse. He may have issues around health (understatement) but it's not on to make this your problem.

Someone may well have mentioned this
already but were you aware that pregnancy is often a trigger for abusive men to escalate or begin their abuse?

2013go Wed 15-May-13 20:19:08

Worrying. Whatever his problem is, you don't need it near you at present. Who else is around who can help you?

EllaFitzgerald Wed 15-May-13 20:21:27

Celticcat I was wondering the same thing. Perhaps it's only other people's medical care he wants to regulate?

OP, what you describe is very worrying behaviour. My worry would be what happens when the baby is born. Will you agree on how the baby is brought up? Methods of discipline? Education?

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 20:26:47

Yes, very good point Celticcat.

I suspect it's far more to do with control and abuse than genuine and/or uncontrollable anxiety around health issues.

KB02 Wed 15-May-13 21:04:09

His behaviour seems very worrying to me and I feel it is not good for you to be in such a stressful situation at this stage of pregnancy. Others have given lots of good advice . safeguard yourself and the baby, that is your priority right now. I would just like to say as well that your midwife will be testing for pre eclampsia at your appts and it is crucial that this is picked up early. Mine was disc.
overed at a routine appt at 39 weeks and I was induced immediately.

specialsubject Wed 15-May-13 21:08:32

the charitable answer is that he is nuts. (not just because he disapproves of vaccines, although that is scientifically illiterate, but because of all the other nonsense with it) Anyway, you and your baby aren't safe with him so find somewhere else to be, ASAP.

if this carries on you will never be able to take the child to the doctor.

with luck this will bring him to the realisation that he needs help. And if it doesn't, you'll be safe at least.

good luck.

Redskys Wed 15-May-13 21:18:12

I have just read your post. This could of been me whilst pregnant a few years a go. My then Dh showed the first signs of controlling behaviour linked to mental health issues.PLEASE get urgent medical help at GP level or higher do not make excuses for his behaviour, this will escalate and very likely become dangerous for you and your baby. I do not mean to frighten you but do not under estimate how serious his mental health problems will impact on you and your baby.My exdh had to be removed from the hospital by the police and sectioned. Please take action now.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 15-May-13 22:04:36

OP, please do listen to other posters.

I just confess that reading your OP makes me worry for your wellbeing and the safety of your baby. Do speak to your GP and midwife. Speak clearly and loudly. Talk to people in RL.

ImperialBlether Wed 15-May-13 23:01:19

Another one here who's worried for you. Most husbands who are against vaccinations just need a good ten minute talk with a professional - your husband has made up his mind before that happens. To be honest I'd get your child vaccinated without his knowledge - I wouldn't let him stand in the way of my child's safety.

He does sound paranoid. I can't imagine he will agree to see a doctor (of all things!) I wouldn't want him present at the birth and I wouldn't want him making decisions about my child's health.

whitesugar Wed 15-May-13 23:33:25

Eastie no matter what the reasons are for his behaviour it is highly probable that when your baby is born things will escalate. I hope this doesn't happen but I know so many situations where this was the case. Tell your midwife and be on the lookout when the baby comes. Having a baby in a relationship with existing diffs is like throwing a grenade into the mix. It happened to me. I tried to be understanding and it backfired spectacularly. My 2 sisters & close friend with loving partners experienced a few wobblers from their husbands when first born arrived. These 3 women, unlike me, told their husbands to go & get fucked with their notions & boy did those men toe the line. Get in charge & make arrangements to get away from him should he continue with this crap when the baby arrives. If it continues get as far away from him as quickly as possible & enjoy the pleasure of having a gorgeous baby on your own. Having a crap father is much worse than an absent one - take it from me. Good luck & focus on enjoying your new baby x

OxfordBags Thu 16-May-13 00:21:22

OP, this man sounds not only highly abusive but also dangerously mentally ill. Ask yourself - if you were reading your own posts as someone else, would you not think he sounds insane and frightening? Of course you would. Frankly, if his attitude continues, he will be threatening your life and the life of your child, not only unborn but once he or she is born. It does not matter if he is abusing you because of mental health issues, it is still abuse and it will still make you and your child's life a living hell.

Can you even begin to imagine what living with a father like this would do to a child?! If he is like this to your child, it guarentees a future of lifelong extreme mental health problems for that child, because your DP is so controlling, so fixated, so overpowering that no amount of love and good parenting from you would be able to overcome the huge, huge damage that growing up with such a man would inevitably cause. Growing up with a father like this would be the most extreme form of emotional and mental abuse. You owe it to your unborn child to save them from this freak. You know how you say your chuldhood was ruined by having a father who screamed at your mother? Well, imagine having a father who not only screamed at your mother, but imposed baffling, illogical, contradictory and impossible rules on you, made you scared that conpletely normal things and people would kill you, make you ill, were out to get you, made it impossible for you to live any sort of normal life, isolated and terrified you? That is what currently awaits your unborn child.

And please know that you are very wrong about him not being able to have a mental health problem if he can behave normally in other circs. Being able to compartmentalise (control the MH in most or many situations) is a feature of all but the absolutely most severe or uncontrollable MH illnesses. I guarantee you will have worked or known people with MH issues without realising it, from depression and eating disorders, to bipolar and schizophrenia and beyond. If your DP's MH problems are about health, then of course he will be able to behave okay when not confronted with health matters.

You need to disclose what is going on to your MW as soon as possible. It may well be that he has to be removed from the maternity ward when you give birth. It is best for the MW to be aware of his problems and the abuse you are suffering. They know that most cases of abuse actually start in pregnancy or just after birth, and can advise you. But please, thinknof yourself and this child, and get this dangerous man away from you both. Please do not minimise it; reading your posts has been like a horror story where you can foresee terrible things ahead.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Thu 16-May-13 00:39:35

Please listen to what OxfordBags said OP. flowers flowers flowers

Lweji Thu 16-May-13 07:55:47

OMG

It's too early and I haven't slept enough, but the word obsession rang alarm bells!

Think about how this behaviour is affecting you.
I agree that you should not live with it, at the risk of affecting your mental health and affecting the development of your baby and later your child.

And whatever you decide to do, do not in any way become dependent on this man.

Read the thread about why abusers reveal themselves when women get pregnant.

NicknameTaken Thu 16-May-13 11:06:09

Yes, he needs to go. My ex first began to demonstrate control in the form of health anxiety when our dd was born. He was worried about a "dent" in the side of her head that was her temple, dragged us to the GP and insinuated that I must have dropped dd. Nothing I fed dd was ever good enough. He hovered over me as I tried to learn how to breastfeed, insisting that I was starving dd. Infant acne was my fault for not washing her properly, slight nappy rash was my fault too etc etc. And this is also the time he first started going in rages. He knew that I wouldn't have put up with it before, but with a small baby it was harder to walk away.

I don't want to say he spoiled her babyhood for me, because I don't want to give him that much power, but he did a lot of damage before I finally got rid. It's up to you how much damage you're willing to endure before you finally decide it's enough.

I hope you are ok OP.

Even when you know yourself that things are not right, it can be quite daunting to have others (even strangers on MNet) reinforce that, as it makes it harder to minimise and cope with.

I hope if you are not feeling up to reading or posting on here that you have accessed some real life support.

Please call Women's Aid for advice and speak to your midwife.

We will all be here if you need us.

InsanelyBrainDeprived Thu 16-May-13 22:02:31

I have only just joined mn and have steered clear of posting on serious issues like this as I'm not qualified or experienced in these ways.

But..... This sounds like a dangerous situation to me. I've not read the entire thread so if I'm wrong forgive me.

If I was in your position I would be out the door seeking professional advice. Your partner may be EA or he may have issues which need addressed. Either way, you need to seek help

tangerinefeathers Fri 17-May-13 11:51:58

If the behaviour is out of character for him then I think it sounds more as if the impending birth of your baby is causing him great anxiety/distress, related to the deaths of his parents.

I could be wrong, I'm not a professional at all. But my DH has recently been very tense re. my pregnancy and I think some of that stems back to the fact that his father was dying when our first baby was born. He's been to the doctor and has been put on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication and will soon start seeing a psych. He was also having extreme outbursts and seemed incredibly tense and anxious in normal situations that didn't warrant such a response, it turned out he was depressed and anxious.

If you can I suggest you sit down with him and insist he talks to someone about his behaviour. He may be suffering some kind of mental illness related to health anxiety. If he won't do that for you then you'll have to think about what to do next. But things can't go on like this - he needs to be supporting you not telling you off.

Eastie77 Fri 31-May-13 18:10:26

Hello All
Sorry it has taken me a while to respond. I don't want anyone to think I did not take on board your advice and comments which were all really helpful - the past couple of weeks have just been very hectic as I only finally started Mat Leave this week.

I have read all the replies carefully. One thing I would like to say is that although I agree his behaviour may escalate once baby arrives I can honestly say I have never felt threatened or in any kind of 'danger' when I've been with DP. His shouting/rants tend to be more like ridiculous amateur dramatics, I'm not trying to downplay the seriousness of it because as mentioned I grew up in a house with a lot of shouting/arguing and very occasional bouts of violence but I would like to make it clear that I would NEVER stay with a man if I thought there was the slightest chance he was violent. I have never really forgiven my mum for staying with my dad.

Well when my DP returned home on the day I originally posted we had a very long talk. I said I felt his paranoia was worrying, he needed to seek professional help and also that I would not be dictated to regarding pain relief during labour or post birth medical help for the baby. His arguments were:-
- He is not actually angry about me being pro vaccinations as such, he is upset because I am dismissive of his points of view and have failed to read any of the books or articles he has sent me about the dangers of vacs. He feels that I have labelled him as a 'crackpot' because of his views and so feels belittled.
- He is opposed to the Vitamin K injection because he read about a link with leukemia. Again he was upset because he gave me an article about this and found it discarded under the bed and I had obviously not read it. Apparently 'all' he wants me to do is read the information he sends me so that we can make a reasoned decision but he feels I am blindly trusting the health unprofessionals (as he calls them) without asking any questions and just accepting everything they tell me.
- As we are not married he knows that legally I can make all decisions regarding the baby's vaccinations etc and he cannot prevent this so he feels helpless because I might whisk the baby off to have jabs he is opposed to.

It was a long, draining and exhausting conversation to be honest. We reached a compromise of sorts over the Vit K, apparently there is a version with natural, non-synthetic elements which he is going to research and find out if it can be used as a substitute. We also have an appointment with the HV to discuss the ingredients of the vaccinations.
Since that night he has been very supportive, apologised for this behaviour etc. I accept many of you think I should have told him to leave...I just felt that was too drastic after we'd had the talk. Baby is due in 2 weeks now and I know for sure I cannot manage on my own. I obviously hope and trust I will not be back on here in a few months writing that his behaviour has spiraled and I should have taken all the advice onboard. I'm going with my gut feeling that will not be the case but who knows. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

Veryunsure Fri 31-May-13 18:18:12

He's already abusing you, not all abuse is physical. If it were me I'd be thinking long term and the kind of environment I'd want my child to be brought up in. You and your baby first, everyone else second.

Leverette Fri 31-May-13 19:14:45

What is he going to be like if you end up needing a c section?

Does he realise that all sorts of drugs and technologies will be involved?

What is he going to be like if your baby needs special care for a while?

Before examining vaccinations I'd suggest he needs to be learning about these issues so there are no nasty surprised which are difficult enough to cope with without his pre existing anxiety, suspicion and prejudice.

Health professionals are legally obliged to practice according to the best evidence - does he know anything about how Cochrane reviews and NICE clinical guidelines are actually produced?

Offred Fri 31-May-13 23:02:23

And you need to be very careful about "natural", stuff labelled this way is often either less (or not) effective or riskier or both.

Why do you "know" you couldn't manage on your own?

Offred Fri 31-May-13 23:05:55

And besides "not read it" is crap. He was mad when you were doing things he didn't want you to do and punishing you for it without speaking to you. And you have read a lot of his stuff... He's talking rubbish, saying something to placate you.

And his "health anxiety" is selective; only about you and baby and only in relation to health issues he selects that seem to largely be about you going out of the house and socialising without him or having control over your own body... Scary...

You're afraid to be without him which is worrying.

BalloonSlayer Sat 01-Jun-13 08:29:26

Did he agree to seek professional help, though, OP?

I was very anxious about all my babies. I had DS1 at the time when the MMR scare was at its height. It wasn't Dr Wakefield's - now discredited - research that was worrying me, it was the wealth of articles in the press at the time about people's negative experiences of MMR (people blame Wakefield for the whole scare but I had never heard of him till years later). I felt truly terrified.

I remember at one point realising that I was imagining the Doctors and Nurses as being wicked villains stalking my baby with syringes full of poison, rather than educated health professionals trying to help, which is what they are. It came as a shock to me to realise how my anxious mind had distorted reality and was starting to portray these good helpful people as somehow evil.

I fretted over whether to get single vaccines but didn't know where to go to get them, DH was adamant that the whole thing was silly to worry about and in the end DS1 had the MMR and was fine.

The difference here was that although I was terribly anxious, I took my DH's views on board. I recognised that I was over-anxious and welcomed the views of someone who was a bit more rational.

What worries me is your DH is clearly over-anxious but thinks HE is the rational one. I think they say that the difference between neurosis and mental illness is insight. That is: the neurotic knows they are being silly, the person suffering from an actual mental illness thinks they are being perfectly rational. This is the massive warning sign for me in your situation.

bordellosboheme Sun 02-Jun-13 13:49:26

It sounds like he is deeply traumatised by the death of his parents and is trying to 'protect' you. However, he is alienating you in the process, which is not good. I think he probably needs professional counselling. Would he be open to that?

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