Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why am I such a twat?

(108 Posts)
SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 15:45:00

I'm a single mum and around 4 months ago I met up with an old friend (male) who now also has a child a few months younger than mine. We started to meet up when he wasn't at work and our kids played together and we had a laugh.

About 2 months ago he sent me a random email asking me if I can give some advice on something? When I said yes he replied that his partner and himself had not had sex in over 2 years, slept in desperate beds, only talked about there child and never spent any time together. As our friendship progressed he began to be really flirty with me and I have to say I enjoyed the attention he was giving me. Anyway, we exchanged a few pics and had a flew sex chats. He has now said he's going to come clean to his partner in a couple if weeks.

The thing is he's totally in my head and I know I'm a bitch. He's been talking about us getting together and our life together. I know I should just forget about him, but it's so bloody hard and I genuinely didn't think this would happen.

Aarrrgh!!!

RootinTootin Tue 14-May-13 15:46:22

What does he expect to happen after he "comes clean"?

Windingdown Tue 14-May-13 15:49:50

And what do you want to happen?

Whocansay Tue 14-May-13 15:50:44

I'd see what happens in 2 weeks if I were you!

Ask yourself - if he wants out, why would he wait?

SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 15:55:37

I've no idea, he's confused as am I? He's waiting 2 weeks as she's busy with inspections and exams and doesn't want to add to any stress.

I've no idea what I want to happen. I know I fancy him, but I just hate what he has done. I know it hasn't gone that far but I'd still be angry if it was me.

She may well forgive him anyway, who knows?

lisaro Tue 14-May-13 15:55:37

Youre2 his bit on the side. No more, no less. And a true friend wouldnt do that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 15:55:38

"He's been talking about us getting together and our life together. "

Woah.... that's a big step from a bit of flirting. As well as being a nasty old cheat and a liar ('never had sex in 2 years' my arse) he's not only trying to make you feel responsible for his relationship breakdown but rush you into a 'life together into the bargain'?

You're not a bitch. You might have been stupid getting together with this guy in the first place but he sounds like a manipulative snake. Keep your distance, he's bad news.

Leverette Tue 14-May-13 15:56:08

Well, you've allowed yourself to become the OW; how do you feel about that? You bought the oldest line in the book and you're feeling flattered by a lying arsehole. Just tell him that on further thought this is not a road you wish to carry on travelling down and that you wish to have no further contact.

Then enjoy the boost in self esteem that gives you. Much better than receiving a pic of an unfaithful man's cock smile

SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 16:00:51

Thanks everyone, I guess you're right Lisaro, I just didn't want to see it as I'm blinded by him. I don't want to believe it Cogito but it hurts me to admit you're prob right about him.

Now to forget about him, hmmm...

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 16:01:53

It sounds to me that he set you up with his "problem".
Not sure I'd trust him at all.

I think he's in your head because you feel flattered.

I'd stop it all until I was sure he had actually left.

PeppermintPasty Tue 14-May-13 16:04:07

The two weeks thing...-he thinks he'll get you into bed in that timescale. Prove him wrong......

SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 16:04:13

Leverette I hate myself for it! I've been cheated on and I hate both my ex and OW and I can't believe I've done the same thing to the poor woman. I know I have to forget about him, just he's got in my head and I can't seem to shake it. I know he's a teat and will no doubt do it to me. Thanks

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 14-May-13 16:05:02

By "desperate beds" I'm guessing you meant separate but I suppose if he is in a sexless relationship he will be pretty desperate. You're only getting his side of the story of course. Easy enough to enjoy the attention and not worry about a woman you've never met. You're not the one involved with her so you don't owe her any loyalty but it's already an emotional affair even if it hasn't got to sleeping with each other.

She might have noticed he's glued to his phone and distracted or being grumpy with her and not know what it's about. She might be hell on earth to live with in which case why is he hanging around her still? Maybe he's no prize, perhaps he's crap in bed, maybe he never helps out round the house and only takes his DC out to hook up with other women who are single mums, easy prey.

Usually people tell you, if you take up with a man like this, having cheated on her how will you rest easy when he's out of your sight? He may well do the same. If you have any intention of taking a chance on him and settling down then tell him to man up and let his DP know what is going on. Don't kid yourself it'll all be hearts and flowers, he will be rushing you into letting him move in so he doesn't go without hot meals and somewhere comfy to sleep. If you are getting cold feet now it looks more serious, then call it a day with him, lose his text number and don't go out where he'll be.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 14-May-13 16:06:14

X-post, you know what to do, keep strong don't be the OW who tramples on another woman's life.

SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 16:07:05

I asked him bout the "problem" and he said that he just needed to talk about it to someone that doesn't really know him and he wanted to test me. He thought I'd say leave her I think, but he said he was glad I said to try and talk to her, make more effort, improve the relationship and do lovely things for her. He thought it made me more gf material.

SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 16:09:23

Thanks Donkey, prob the kick up the arse I needed smile

Leverette Tue 14-May-13 16:14:13

Oh god he's a wankbadger isn't he!

The point for you is that he is not showing he is decent bf material

You seem to be allowing him to choose you...where's your opinion, your criteria, your power?

Is he good enough for you?

I'd suggest not - he's a lying, cheating twit trying to feather his next nest before leaving the previous one. Your role in life is far more than being someone's soft landing.

topknob Tue 14-May-13 16:18:29

Does his name begin with p? hmm

SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 16:20:51

I know I don't want to be with another cheat as my ex was enough for a lifetime. He's admitted he's a twat and says he'd never do it to me, but he'd obviously say that.

I just got caught up in what I thought could be good and prob me being single for 2 1/2 years doesn't help.

Windingdown Tue 14-May-13 16:24:39

Loving the typo "he's a teat" - what a gift of a new insult that is. And yes, he does sound a total teat.

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 16:37:42

You realise that whatever you replied it would have been "the right answer"?

He said he "wanted to test you"? hmm

I'd cut all contact and let him know why.
In any case, even if he leaves her, and as pointed out below, I wouldn't let him move in any time soon.

SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 16:53:07

He will be deleted and we'll try and stop going to the places at the same times.

BerylStreep Tue 14-May-13 16:53:41

You need to have some self respect. I don't mean that in a horrid critical way. Why are you prepared to be the OW and have him manipulate you and make all the decisions?

Bin him, and take a long hard look at why you thought this was ok.

At least if he decides to fess up to his wife (utter bollocks, he won't), you will no longer be involved.

Why do you want a cheating deceitful git in your life?

Branleuse Tue 14-May-13 17:04:02

hes a real cliché. please dont fall for it.

btw he will bombard you next.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 17:06:15

"I've been cheated on and I hate both my ex and OW and I can't believe I've done the same thing to the poor woman."

FWIW you've not really done anything to this woman. She's unlucky to be saddled with a cheating snake and if it wasn't you it'd be someone else. If it all goes tits up for him it really won't be your fault and if he turns up on your doorstep saying she's thrown him out and he has nowhere to go... ignore him, won't you? I think he's trying to set you up to feel a sense of obligation. Don't fall for it.

Loulybelle Tue 14-May-13 17:15:05

I think i fell victim to a mans lies, who actually messaged me from mumsnet ironically, luckily it was only online.

My advice, delete and move on, i have.

SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 17:23:15

No I think I need harsh! I've deleted him and told him to do one. I guess even though I knew what was happening I didn't want to see it and acknowledge it as I liked the thought of us being together. Silly I know! I wish I'd come here sooner.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 17:25:49

Listen.... we've all been there. It's very flattering for someone to pay you attention like that. If you've been missing a bit of companionship it's convenient to rationalise the situation away as just harmless flirting, no biggie. Don't beat yourself up too badly just live and learn..

SucksFake86 Wed 15-May-13 08:44:17

He's apparently told his partner last night as a friend of mine kept on about me telling her and think he panicked, well that's if he's not lying. Haven't heard from him other to say he's told her so that's good. Thanks again everyone and sorry for the typos. I might adopt teat as my swear word of house as at least my toddler won't be in trouble smile

Buzzardbird Wed 15-May-13 11:13:13

Well done OP. He hasn't told her, he is after a reaction from you.

The worst thing you can do to this lying snake is not react.

He is self-obsessed.

If they haven't had sex for 2 years, I'm a virgin. If they hadn't what kind of person would go around telling others about it just to get a shag?

Stand by, he will be telling you he loves you next...

SucksFake86 Wed 15-May-13 15:58:57

We met up today by total coincidence as I took my son to a different play place. He said he'd confessed all last night and got a major bollocking but they're trying again. He behaved totally normal around me, although it was a bit awkward at the start.

Lweji Wed 15-May-13 16:26:09

So, trying again...

Yes, he told her. As if.

SucksFake86 Wed 15-May-13 16:36:26

Well I'm not going to let him fool me and I miss being his friend. Call me stupid or whatever but whilst he's just being normal with me it's great as we have a laugh. I won't get sucked into going down the same road again. If he starts again I'll have to have a rethink.

BerylStreep Wed 15-May-13 16:59:20

Sucks, are you for real? You plan to continue a friendship with him as if nothing happened?

Honestly, I am sitting looking at the computer screen saying WTAF hmm

Loulybelle Wed 15-May-13 17:05:59

Yeah Sucks, you really think it will be the same, and what about his partner, if they are trying again (pffft), you really think shes gonna want him hanging around you, knowing what she knows.

Windingdown Wed 15-May-13 17:06:21

You are already getting sucked into going down the same road again.

Loulybelle Wed 15-May-13 17:07:44

The man tried to get you in the sack, whats gonna make him suddenly not want too.

Buzzardbird Wed 15-May-13 17:17:53

I worry you are low on self-respect...surely you can find better friends than him?

lowercase Wed 15-May-13 17:18:41

He may or may not have told her, he is dishonest so you can never really trust what he says.
Sounds like this is his next 'move' to keep you hooked in.
It will all go wrong again soon enough, just mind his dick doesn't accidentally fall into you when it does.

Buzzardbird Wed 15-May-13 17:19:13

If you two are connected on the dreaded FB and he has told her, she will have made him block you by now.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 15-May-13 17:22:00

in two weeks, he will be hoping to fuck you before that and then drop you like a hot potato, run

MoodyDidIt Wed 15-May-13 17:25:52

god he sounds lovely hmm

do NOT sleep with him

if he is genuine which i doubt wait and see if he actually leaves, before even thinking about starting anything

badinage Wed 15-May-13 17:35:22

If you stay friends with this total wanker you will get sucked into an affair with him and you know it.

This was never a 'friendship'. He was looking for a mug who'd have an affair with him and listen to his tall tales, that's all.

Bin him off completely.

MoodyDidIt Wed 15-May-13 17:36:44

oh just seen last update from OP

ignore my last post

cut him out your life, he is a bullshitter and a cheat, please do not get involved

there are loads of nice men out there i promise, you do not need this snake x

SucksFake86 Wed 15-May-13 18:24:30

I just like the friendship and I'm determined not to get sucked in again. He hasn't told her its me but someone else. I know he's lied but I really don't need hassle from her so the FB thing doesn't matter. It was just nice to have a laugh and the boys like playing together. Sad as it may be I only have 1 other friend and I just enjoy some adult convo.

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me twice shame on me

Don't be a fool.

MoodyDidIt Wed 15-May-13 18:46:12

he is not your friend though OP

a friend wouldn't do this to you sad

how old is your DC? could you try and meet some other friends? go to different toddler groups or something (not sure how old he is) or even try netmums?

badinage Wed 15-May-13 18:47:12

This bloke isn't a friend.

So that leaves you with one mate.

It's understandable that you want adult conversation and friendship. Few people have no need of that.

But this wasn't that. It was sexually motivated and involved a liar who is still lying.

Kid yourself if you want that you can go back to being mates who arrange playdates, but that isn't the truth. It will become an affair if that's what he wants because you haven't got enough self-esteem and good judgement at the moment to realise this bloke's a wrongun who just wants you for a shag on the side and couldn't give two fucks about 'friendship'.

Why don't you try making friends with people who'll want to spend time with you because they enjoy your company, your humour and your brain?

This bloke's relying on you not using your brain and in any case, he's not interested in that particular organ.

SucksFake86 Wed 15-May-13 20:19:29

My son's 2 and we've literally tried every group in the area. We still go to a couple a week just so we get out the house and he at least gets to see other kids and play with other toys. I go in all friendly, smile, say hi and we either get ignored or you get totally closed answers when you try and initiate any convo. I still do try every week in the hope that we'll make some friends but it just isn't working. Tried netmums and have been stood up 4 times. No idea why, we'd been chatting for a week and had stuff in common with each of the women so I've just given up.

MoodyDidIt Wed 15-May-13 20:35:58

i completely agree with badinage. this man is seriously bad for you, trust me, i have been somewhere similar....

and as for your social life, i know what you mean about toddler groups. they can be really cliquey which is pathetic really as you are all there for the same reason, and i would guess most people go to make friends. its incredibly hard being a single mum ( i have been one) especially if you haven't got many friends.

do you have many interests or hobbies outside of your little DS? when my eldest was a baby (and i was single) i used to sing in a band (and thats how i met my now dh) i loved it and made loads of friends. I also started pole dancing classes. i'm not saying do either of those things but if you can pursue a hobby or something it will boost your confidence and you will naturally become more attractive to people.

don't know how much support you have got in RL, ie does DS's dad see him, do you have somene who can babysit etc?

and keep trying with netmums, sooner or later you will probably click with someone. there are the mumsnet local sites which might be worth a try and if you are on FB there is a MN facebook group that was set up for mners looking to make friends, if you want, i can add you to it? (am always plugging it on here as i think its a brill idea)

keep posting XX

Loulybelle Wed 15-May-13 20:40:59

Sucks, i got messaged by a guy on mumsnet, we spent 6 days talking all day, sex chats included, after that i never heard a thing from again, he just wanted me to stroke his ego, if he comes back then he can fuck off.

All your doing for this twat, is stroke his ego, get some self respect.

SucksFake86 Wed 15-May-13 21:01:36

I have no social life the highlight of my week is my cuppa at soft play. His father has never seen him and I have no other support and no one to babysit, so it really is just me and DS. My DS loves the other little boy as he's the only other kid that will play with him. My so. Isn't a biter, snatcher or mean in anyway. He does run around mental but he always goes up to other kids with a massive smile on his face but even they reject him. Just seems that I can't do anything right and he's starting to ask why people don't like us and I really don't have any idea.

As I said before I go in friendly, smile, say hi, offer to help make drinks and do the snacks, show interest in the other mums/kids so it's just really frustrating.

Will try again on netmums and see if there's anyone different.
He just makes me smile and I really could do with some in my life!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 15-May-13 21:08:30

You aren't having an easy time of it right now but this guy could seriously complicate life further.

Buzzardbird Wed 15-May-13 21:14:12

I really feel for you, you sound really vulnerable, in need of a friend and he is the lowest scum of the low that has spotted this and is trying to get a cheap shag out of it.
By all means let your ds play with his friend but please don't let this jerk take advantage of you. You will feel worse when he finds his next challenge.
if he really wanted you he would end his relationship.
he will have done this before and that is how he knows what buttons to press. You would never trust him.
are you on mn local?
are there any other groups you have not tried yet like library or swimming?

SucksFake86 Wed 15-May-13 21:31:02

I won't let him mess me about it just breaks my heart when DS cries about no one playing with him and he's starting to notice when going out that he's different from lots of other kids and asks where's my daddy? I'd like to say he's a twat, living with another woman and just doesn't care about you but I have to lie. I feel like such a failure it's untrue.

We tried the library but my son just doesn't sit still so it was a disaster and we go swimming when we can but everyone seems to keep themselves to themselves.

I'll have a look at mn local, thanks smile

Buzzardbird Wed 15-May-13 22:45:28

You are not a failure, far from it. His twat of a father is.
will he qualify for any nursery time? Its great for him to mix and you will meet other mums.

lowercase Wed 15-May-13 23:04:23

Instead of going to venues to meet people, go to ' use ' the activity and enjoy it.
Why not go swimming with ds? Sounds ideal for a lively boy.
Don't go swimming to meet people, go to swim!

Lower your expectation of others, it's harsh but they can speak to who they want.

Your son will start nursery and school soon and is bound to make friends, I think it's pretty much fact that infants don't have friendships til 5?

Have you got a sure start centre near you?
I know someone who did voluntary work in the nursery while her son was participating.

There is a way out of this rut, and this man is not it.

Don't waste your life concentrating on real or imagined slights from people.
Concentrate on enjoying life with your wonderful son!

badinage Wed 15-May-13 23:47:53

I heartily agree with the advice to start doing activities that don't depend on forced conversations and small talk with the adults. Swimming's a very good suggestion, but so are pottery/craft sessions, mini football and now summer's coming, even school fetes and fun days. People tend to strike up conversations more naturally where there's no weight of expectation to do so.

What happened to any friends you made before having DS e.g. school or work friends? Does your other friend have other groups of friends you can join from time to time?

I'm sure he's said a bit fat nothing to his partner, but if she does know or finds out what he's been up to, don't you think she'll feel just like you did when your ex did the same? Obviously it's not her 'failure' any more than your ex's behaviour was yours, but I'm sure you don't want to be party to yet another woman's shattered dreams and pain, or another small child's losses.

You are both responsible for jeopardising your sons' mutual friendship by your actions but at 2 years old this is not as disastrous as it would have been if they were in school. Your son will make other friends in other places and you really do need to ditch this bloke, because you can never be just mates with him again.

Horsemadmumof3 Thu 16-May-13 00:08:45

On the other hand........

If it is true he's in a sexless relationship and they sleep in seperate beds then I don't blame the bloke!
If he's found someone who he really clicks with and really enjoys your company I can see why he wants you.
The new life together thing is a bit much admittedly but who knows!

I say all this because I was married to a man who was my best friend - but that's it!

We had a sexless marrage for 3 years (in our early 30's - not normal)!! and eventually slept in seperate beds for a year, I couldn't stand hom touching me but I loved him - like a brother!
I used to lay in bed at night wishing he would find someone else and leave me as it was so hard for us to seperate otherwise.
I honestly wouldn't have seen it as he was cheating on me - I wasn't putting out and we all have needs so I couldn't blame him - she would have been doing me a favour!!

I did eventually call it a day and we split, when we did we were so much happier and get on amazingly well. He found another partner very soon after we split so who know's he may already of had her before!!

Don't beat yourself up too much - shit happens and you may not be hurting his woman as much as you think!
Be a bugger if in 2 weeks it turns out she's been cheating!!

At the end of the day we all need to be happy and this fella obviously wasn't looking to find someone else you just happened to meet and he realised there could still be happiness for him (and probably her) I feel really sorry for people who find themselves in that situation - trapped in a loveless relationship.

Your call do what you feel is right at the end of the day - I for one wouldn't judge either of you x

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 07:51:05

Yeah we do go swimming and my son loves it as do I and we do things and just enjoy each others company. As much as I love baking, painting, glitter, playdoh, swimming and general playing with toys, I just long to sit down with a cuppa and a slice of cake and have a convo not about postman pat, the rhyme rocket or grandpa in my pocket. If that makes me a terrible mum then so be it. It's just nice to watch the boys playing and for us to have a sit down and just relax and chat like normal people.

We still go to the sure start centre but it seems to be the same cliquey people there. I will keep trying but I go mainly for my son and it has better facilities than other groups. I'll look to volunteer/find a job when he's in school but that's still at least 16 months away and I'm just so lonely.

I know kids don't really have friends but it'd just be nice if some would just play near my DS.

I see my other friend every 3-4 weeks and we spend the day together and it's lovely! She lives a good 1 1/2 away so we take it in turns and I look forward to it so much. She's in a similar position although not as bad, but not really possible to get involved in her groups as it's just too far/expensive to do very often.

Friends from work/uni/school have all drifted and my ex alienated me from them. I know I'm to blame too just he was insanely jealous of me going out/speaking to blokes and I just stopped contact.

I feel guilty about the other woman and I'd hate her to feel like I do! I feel like throwing up when I think about it.

I had only ever thought of the situation in the way that Horse describes and not like the majority of you. I just have a gut feeling he's telling the truth and is nothing like my manipulative ex. I did everything I did out of my own free will. I have no real reasons to doubt him but obviously the majority could well be right.

Kione Thu 16-May-13 08:30:24

I only want to add that not always is the oldest lie in the book. I had a stage like that with DP and I told him he could go with someone else to take sexual pressure off me!
Not all marriages are perfect!!
My DP didnt (to my knowledge) find someone else and we had a few better months but no back to square one sad
All am saying is althougj EA are wrong yes, sometimes is true that people dont have sex for years!!

Horsemadmumof3 Thu 16-May-13 08:48:21

You are the one that knows him and can judge the situation.
Does he spend lots of loving family time with his woman?
Even if they seem from the outside looking in like a blissful family behind closed doors that may not be the case!

Not all men are bad, wankers, scum etc, etc as said here before and lets remember there are plenty of women who cheat on their partners.

If they are doing it them something is lacking in their relationship other wise they wouldn't do it!

Most people in that situation only stay together for financial reasons - SAD!! Using the kids as an excuse, do you not think it hurts kids more to see unhappy, unloving parents?
Why anyone would live a life of misery for the sake of money is beyond me!

I think it's utterly unfair for people to say you have no self esteem and self respect, it sounds like they've made him in to a monster and you out to be a nieve little girl - which from your posts I don't believe you are and I'm sure you have lots of self esteem and respect for yourself.

You are a good mum but you have needs too!!
It's not always about your kids!!

Ok you've been hurt, join the club, but you know what it's done you can't change it so put it behind you and move on looking forward.

And yes being a young single mum with a small child can be lonely but you know what - it doesn't last for ever it's just a small part of your life and it does get much better and easier.

Go for it girl, enjoy it, it might not last for ever but if it makes you happy for as long as it lasts then it's been worth it!

Best of luck remember it's not all doom and gloom, you are not a bad person and neither is he you just want love and to be happy x

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 09:06:05

Thanks Horse, no they don't spend any real time together just the three of them. He rushes back after work to pick his son up and do tea, bath and bed and then he's either at the gym or watches tv, reads a book in another room. His partner goes out a couple if times a week with friends so they don't really see each other only when swapping childcare duties. They were never a lovey dovey kind of couple but they see his parents on the weekend and I guess they don't act weirdly around each other.

He said they only had their son to try and fix the relationship and it hasn't worked and the only reason he hasn't left sooner is because he can't bear the thought of being an NRP.

I know things will get better and when my sons older I'll have more chance to be me again, just when you're in the middle of it there just seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.

He said he's really confused but I have totally backed off so we will see what happens.

Buzzardbird Thu 16-May-13 10:57:48

So he is not going to leave her anyway, so you would always be just a bit on the side?

Horsemadmumof3 Thu 16-May-13 11:21:00

Just throwing this out there...........

May be you would enjoy being his bit on the side?

I have known plenty of women over the years who've been a mans "bit on the side" and couldn't think of anything worse than him leaving his wife so they can be together and its worked perfectly on both sides until it fizzles out and they both move on.

I know it's bleak some times on your own and can be difficult but there is always light at the end of the tunnel smile

Could you not do a part time college course?
Almost all colleges provide a creche for children under school age, it will get you out and mixing with alsorts of different people.

Or perhaps a part time job?
I think you can still claim some of your childcare costs with tax credits (?)
Doing something worth while will boost you no end.

Or start a small business from home?
Ebay/amazon are really easy business's to run, you could get tax credits and still childcare if you needed a few hours a day to get on or just have a bit of time to yourself. Then you could start joining local business clubs and meet some really fab interesting people.

There are many ways to get yourself out there if you really want to so you don't have to sit at home in a long dark tunnel, thinking about this one man, you could be out there with 10 men falling all over you and then you can choose who you wish to see!
It takes time, effort and guts but it gives you focus and purpose as I've said life's for living so go grab it xx

badinage Thu 16-May-13 12:32:26

Oh FFS.

If someone's looking to screw around that doesn't mean their relationship must be faulty. It's often because that someone is faulty and selfish to the core.

It doesn't matter a fuck whether this bloke's telling the truth about his relationship or whether it's a pack of lies. A bloke who's lying to his partner though doesn't exactly have a great credit rating for truth, does he?

If a bloke comes calling and offloads how bad his relationship is, the best advice anyone can give him is to fix it or end it. The worst advice is to say 'shag me while you're deciding what to do'...

If he's that unhappy, he'll leave, especially now he's found a woman who will take him on and who believes the same old pony her husband's OW probably believed about her. Astonishing.

badinage Thu 16-May-13 12:49:11

the only reason he hasn't left sooner is because he can't bear the thought of being an NRP.

What an absolute load of bollocks.

I can't believe that there are women still falling for this nonsense, at a time when men who want to be resident parents and seek shared residence are managing to achieve just that.

Shared residence is more common now than at any other time in the modern history of the UK.

Xales Thu 16-May-13 13:32:55

So they are trying again. But he failed to admit who you are, that you and him were engaged in sexual messaging and picture swapping and that he will still be meeting you on the quiet to have your DC play together.

And you are happy to wait and see what happens while he is lying by omission to his other half and putting down their relationship to you.

You are still an unknown third party in their relationship every time you meet and he discusses it with you. That is twatty behaviour on you part yes.

Not as twatty as his.

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 16:07:58

No he told her that we'd swapped pictures and had phone sex. She said she didn't want to k ow anymore and she just wanted him to delete everything. He lied about who I was as he didn't want her having a go at me as he said it was all his fault.

I'm happy they're trying again as I can have my mate back and I'm not going to go down that road.

badinage Thu 16-May-13 16:31:58

What's this about a friend of yours pressurising him into telling his partner about what he'd been up to? What's that all about?

You can't 'have your mate back' and you so will go down that road and then claim it 'just happened'.....

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 16-May-13 16:32:17

Horse does say something very true:
..being a young single mum with a small child can be lonely but... it doesn't last forever it's just a small part of your life it does get much easier and better.

Whereas his/her earlier post was a Golden Ticket - you'd be doing his partner a favour, shit happens and we all need to be happy.

Nobody can dictate what you choose to do - just suggesting you look beyond the surface and not jump in blind. Your friend couldn't face leaving his partner because he didn't want to be a NRP but apparently could stomach 'having a laugh' aka spending time with you and exchanging texts. Of course there are implications for both children involved. Your little one might love having a live-in daddy, it's going to impact on his life too. I think you had reservations hence posting, people have given their views, glad you stuck around.

Anyway see what happens but do look before you leap.

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 16:56:59

I don't know why she was so insistent tbh? Maybe she'
Thinks he a twat of the highest order and can see more clearly than me. I would like to think that was the reason other than the only other reason I can think of is that she doesn't want to lose me. I would hope she wasn't like that and even if we did get together I wouldn't abandon her...

He says they are trying again and I'm glad about it. I do still have feelings for him but they will fade and as we met and went back to normal it felt good. He couldn't apologise enough and admitted he was to blame and a twat.

I said that if he changed his mind he wouldn't just be getting with me as there would have to be a period where he can properly get over her, sort out his life and make sure his son is ok with the new access arrangements. I've made it clear he's not jumping into my bed. So maybe the reality of it all has hit him?

lowercase Thu 16-May-13 17:49:20

I think you are being naive at the very least.
You can't go back to a friendship after you have crossed that line.
You both have blurred boundaries, both have motives and your sex conduct has been poor.

It's a shame that you don't have enough within you to end this need ship friendship because it is inviting pain for all concerned.

You do come across very needy, others will sense that and not want to be hostage to it.
He senses it too, which is just fine because he has motives.

lowercase Thu 16-May-13 17:52:15

And how was he to blame?
50 / 50 from where I'm sitting.

You say you have a friendship but you are laying down terms and conditions for your sexual relationship?

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 18:19:09

I agree I am needy, but if all you had in the whole world was your son and a friend you see every 3-4 weeks are you saying you wouldn't be needy? Sometimes the only person to speak to me all week is my son. I love my DS more than anything but it's surely understandable that I need a bit of adult company. I'm lonely and I know people are prob in a worse position and I shouldn't moan but I'm only human.

He said it was his fault as he come on to me and he was the one that has a partner. I told him I was equally to blame but he won't accept that.

I've laid down conditions about a sexual relationship as I don't want him to think he can dump her and then just jump in my bed and play happy families. I think that's made him think and has helped him make up his mind to try again. Obviously his partner wants too aswell or she'd have ended things, but I made sure he knew I wouldn't just have him.

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 18:22:27

Things were awkward for the first 10 mins of seeing each other again but we both said sorry and that we're not going there and then it went back to how it used to be. Obviously we now know a lot more than normal friends would but so far it seems to be working. Tonight he's telling his folks and brothers so I'll see how things turn out.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 16-May-13 18:23:41

I go in all friendly, smile, say hi and we either get ignored or you get totally closed answers when you try and initiate any convo. I still do try every week in the hope that we'll make some friends but it just isn't working. Tried netmums and have been stood up 4 times. No idea why, we'd been chatting for a week and had stuff in common with each of the women

I don't think that's needy, that's being proactive and not sitting at home feeling sorry for herself.

badinage Thu 16-May-13 18:39:05

Telling his folks and brothers what?

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 18:47:44

He's telling them about what he's done. No idea why really but he didn't want anyone to pick up on things not being like normal. Thanks Donkey smile

lowercase Thu 16-May-13 18:57:00

I have been in a similar position, I have had to create a life from scratch too...so I am speaking from experience.

Is your son really that verbose at 2 or 3 that he is asking why others don't like you?
If you don't hang out with other families how would he know what others do?
His experience is normal to him, having nothing to compare it with surely?
How can he perceive this stuff at his age?

How come you don't have any family about OP?

badinage Thu 16-May-13 20:02:07

Oh he really isn't telling his family about what is a private matter - what nonsense!

Why are you so easy to bullshit?

Like lowercase, I agree that no 2 year old would be able to construct sentences like that either.

I think in all this, you're just looking for excuses to keep in touch with this bloke and are even using your son in that.

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 20:06:38

Yes he does questions like mummy sat on own and at swimming or at the supermarket will point at other families and say daddy and then point at me and say mummy no daddy. I'm not saying he fully understands but he knows we're different.

My family have nothing to do with it, we don't get on so I don't see them.

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 20:08:28

How can you say that when you don't know my son? I'm not saying he's a genius but he can construct simple sentences and knows the difference between men and women and how they generally look and that they're called mummy and daddy etc

Looksgoodingravy Thu 16-May-13 20:15:59

I can't see how his current relationship will stand the test of time as he's still lying to his partner (poor her).

If he was trying to make a go of it he would have told her about you not some fictitious person. Unbelievable.

Looksgoodingravy Thu 16-May-13 20:18:27

And the fact that you're still meeting up as 'friends' speaks volumes.

No wonder his relationship with his partner became 'distant'. He was too busy having sex chats with you!

And now he's apparently going to tell his family another pack of lies, hmm, ok!

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 20:42:09

Distant? We've been speaking to each other for 4 months and we'd been having sex chats for a couple of weeks. They haven't had sex for just over 2 years and slept in seperate beds for 16ish months. I would say there relationship was distant long before I met up with him again!

His mums facebook status speaks volumes, yes I checked it.

I think this has reached it's limits and thanks for all the useful advice.

badinage Thu 16-May-13 21:02:47

They haven't had sex for just over 2 years and slept in seperate beds for 16ish months.

That's what he says.

Doesn't make it fact.

And yet despite these claims, he's allegedly confessed all some of the story, wants to try again with her and is even going to the bother of telling his family what he's done.

Oh and failed to act on your invitation to leave his partner, sort out access and then start a relationship with you.

All for a woman with whom he doesn't have a good relationship.

Yeah, right....

Looksgoodingravy Thu 16-May-13 21:02:48

According to him they haven't had sex for two years, easy to twist the truth to enable him to justify his actions.

Xales Thu 16-May-13 21:12:04

Well you know he is capable of lying as he has admitted he lied to her about who you were.

So what makes you think you, someone he has talked to for only 4 months is so special that he would not lie to you about sharing a bed or sex with his partner?

If he is giving his relationship another try then the lack of sex or sharing a bed is either bull shit or something that is being accepted in them trying again.

Either way is is nothing to do with you and he should not be sharing such information with you.

Well done for setting out your demands for a relationship and before you will have sex to a man already in a relationship. Why were you even having that conversation hmm

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 21:12:19

Well from the fb status I'm pretty sure she knows the whole story and of course the partner is friends with them both.

He could well be lying but I trust him.

I said I wouldn't have him until I knew he was over her. I'm glad he loves her more as I said.

LEMisdisappointed Thu 16-May-13 21:12:34

Why don't you befriend his wife then? seriously, you say you are lonely and in need of friends - why not her? Seems a natural progression to me.

I do understand you are lonely, but this is going to lead you to heartache, be honest with yourself - you are holding a candle for this man and your self esteem is so low that you would want to be "friends" without benefit just to keep him around? I'm sorry but the minute you give him the slightest bit of encouragement the flirting is going to start again. If my DP had did this, i would be insisting he cut all contact (well actually id have dumped him so you would have had him to yourself) with you. Even if you are genuinely just friends, i wouldnt want him talking to you.

Im so sorry but this man is taking advantage of you - i wish you could see this. Things will get easier - try some new mother and toddler groups, talk to your HV and ask her to recommend some. Try some volunteer work? Something you can take your DS along to - surestart?

LEMisdisappointed Thu 16-May-13 21:15:47

My DD1 never knew her dad - she did ask about him once, when she was 16!! She was never ever bothered by it when she was younger. She hasn't bothered since, shes 22 now. Please don't make your problems your sons problems - you are projecting your loneliness onto him. I really do feel for you, i just think you are being taken advantage of. Is there a local gingerbread near you?

Kione Thu 16-May-13 21:26:10

LEM I drew up with no dad and I only asked at 13 because I hadnt had the guts before. I had the shittiest time at school.and summer camos because i didnt know who my dad was and I never told my mum.
I am not saying OPs son will react like this, but to point out that everyone is different.
Some people just think that their experience is the only valid one!

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 21:37:41

I know I'm low but I'm trying my best. As previously said I have tried every local group. By that I really do mean every one and I have given them lots
of chances so I'm not just giving up. We go to the park, swimming, sure start, another play and stay and soft play so we're getting out plenty. I don't mention to him that we don't have many friends, he notices himself. I'm friendly and I do try and i never show my true feelings to my DS and am always upbeat. I think it's harsh that you say I'm using my insecurities onto him.

LEMisdisappointed Thu 16-May-13 21:42:54

I don't mean to sound harsh - im sorry if i did sad I do understad - if i am totally honest i found M&T groups hell on earth anyway. What did you do before you had DS? what sort of things do you enjoy

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 21:56:13

Before I had my DS I would spend my spare time before my ex either at the gym or at the pub with my mates mixed in with shopping and the usual cinema trips.

tametortie Thu 16-May-13 22:04:01

Whereabouts are you in the UK? Have you tried MN meet ups?

lowercase Thu 16-May-13 22:21:57

You have an excuse / answer to everything. I think this is part of the friendships barrier you are experiencing.
It will also block you off from opportunities generally.

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 22:25:09

I've had a look on the mn meet ups but the last post was in Nov so not exactly busy but then again I have an answer for anything. I won't post again so this thread can just disappear. Thanks.

lowercase Thu 16-May-13 22:39:21

like i said, i had to carve a life from scratch.
taking on suggestions and a bit of humility was key.
MN helped me no end, theres some great advice here, but you have to be teachable.

good luck

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 22:55:46

I have taken a lot on board and I've got a lot to think about which I wouldn't have if I hadn't of come here. Maybe I underestimated the harsh stuff people would say about me. Yes that may be naive and I'm not looking for any violins, but it's clear I'm not strong enough to take it as some have really hurt me and I don't need to feel any lower. Not looking for any sympathy or anything, just I can't take it all right now. Thanks to everyone that has contributed.

Looksgoodingravy Thu 16-May-13 23:51:42

Maybe you should look to your harshest critic - yourself. Your thread title says it all, that's what you think about yourself.

Tbh I think you've had some damn good advice on here and compared to other similar posts you've not been treated too harshly.

Perhaps reading reactions for part you've played in all of this is not something you're ready for.

The way to make friends is not to alienate people. Maybe the group you attend sees you and OM having cosy chats and that's the reason they give you a wide berth. People aren't daft, I'm sure they maybe sense something is going on between the two of you. Have you ever wondered that?

Buzzardbird Fri 17-May-13 07:13:24

Don't give up hope Op. For all you know those women at the groups you go to might feel exactly the same as you but aren't as 'upbeat' as you are?
meeting other mothers was terrifying for me as I suffer with anxiety issues and it took a couple of years to really make any sort of friendships.
You have to remember that these other mothers are going to the groups also for some adult company. You just need to chat to the mom of whoever is playing with your son...but don't expect bessie mates from it.
the friends that you drifted away from because of your ex twat are the ones you should be concentrating on. If they were 'real' friends they will still be there for you after an apology and explanation.
good luck Op, don't be dis-heartened. You don't sound to me like you are going to get suckered in by this awful guy again and when you have built or re-built other friendships I am pretty sure you won't want his anymore. thanks
e

BerylStreep Fri 17-May-13 09:47:33

OP, I am sorry that this is going to sound harsh, but you are falling for every trick in the book. You are the OW, and you are scrambling around trying to justify it.

Shame on you.

SucksFake86 Fri 17-May-13 09:52:03

I know I said I won't be replying and as I started this thread I have to expect people to respond because otherwise there would be no point. I would appreciate it if people could let this thread die. I know what I did was wrong but I am putting things right and I just can't take all the personal insults anymore. I shouldn't have written this thread, that was a total mistake as I just can't deal with it. So yes I'm a stupid bitch, naive, desperate, low, boring and whatever else you can throw at me, I know! Please just leave it.

Buzzardbird Fri 17-May-13 13:32:00

I was offering support sad

lowercase Fri 17-May-13 18:22:31

I think MN will delete the thread if you want, though I'm not 100%

The world is not against you, stop being a victim, unless you want your whole life to stay this way.

I dont think this makes you stupid nor him a user liar ect.

Sometimes people feel stuck with the one they are with and it isnt that easy to leave, saying that I dont think it will do you any favours to carry anything on with this man. Till he has made up his mind and isnt with his partner anymore.

And if you've feelings for eachother, it will be next to impossible to be just friends.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now