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In laws and impact on our relationship (hugely long)

(63 Posts)
Tiredtrout Tue 14-May-13 08:39:43

I have posted about this a few times recently and I'm hoping someone can come up with a bit of a clue on how to move on. I have a feeling this could be quite long to try and avoid the drip feeding.

Imet my dh 14 years ago when I was a single mum and trying to get a divorce, he was also going through a divorce which was straightforward as the were no dc or property but mine was a bit difficult and took an age. During that time we got engaged and I got pg with our ds. This was an issue for his dp, they are evangelical Christians who are leaders in their church and I am Rc. They do not like this.

Because of our work sending us to two different ends of the country we decided that it would be for the best if I left my job (RAF) he rented a place off camp, and we got married soon as my divorce was final.

In the meantime whenever we visited his dp there was drama. His mother souls do the 'her or me thing' I was told I would burn in hell as would my dc for not being of their faith, I got shouted at at the table for making the sing of the cross when they did grace, I was berated for not taking communion in their church. All sorts of stuff.

Meanwhile my exh was dragging his heels over the divorce, it eventually came through and we had a rushed registry office wedding followed by the pub for lunch two days later. This was 3 weeks before our due date. Both sets of our dps came, mine were lovely, his insisted on going sightseeing on the morning of the wedding almost making dh late! They also wore black.

Strangely with all the stress our ds was born a few days later. My dps were unable to come all the way back up to us as it was a 1000 mile round trip. Dh dps arrived within 2 days and I was expected to go out sightseeing with them, our lease on our house had run out so we had to move that week too, and dh's work announced that he was to be posted again with no chance of me following for at least 3 months.

We moved, I was very sore and tired, mil bag side the bed, we were sleeping on the sofa with ds and dd was on the floor, dh was having to work and fil had gone home. Mil insisted on staying for a week to help. I caught her trying to persuade dh to let her organise a christening in their faith behind my back and I kicked her out the next day

When dh was posted I went to stay with my dps with the dc for a while then we moved to where he was. Not long after his dp came to stay again, I was told that I wasn't a proper wife and I was lazy. Their was more stuff but they made sure it was all done out of dh earshot.

Dh still wouldn't believe that his lovely dps would be horrible to me. They kept telling him they loved me!

We visited them for Christmas, I made a lot of the fancy trimmings and took it to them to try and make amends they refused to eat it, bar one mouthful each, they both came down with a tummy bug and blamed my cooking

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 08:49:45

I think, if he's not going to back you up, you have to be a lot less accommodating towards these people, forget trying to make amends, and stand up for yourself. They are bullying you in a particularly nasty way and you are going to have to dish it back and dish it back hard or they will never respect you. They already don't like you.... might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. smile If you are told that you are 'not a proper wife and you are lazy' tell them in no uncertain terms to piss off. Glad you kicked them out about the behind-the-back christening.... well done.... but follow through and just don't give these ridiculous god-botherers so much as an inch.

forgetmenots Tue 14-May-13 08:52:11

I'm guessing you've cut off midpost here tiredtrout.

Your ILs are horrible, but it's not them or their religion that's the problem in what you've posted so far. You are not being backed by your DH. It's crucial in any situation like this that the two of you are on the same page.

I'm waiting to see if you post more and hoping that your DH has come round and stood up to them...

If your DH isn't prepared to stand up to them then you've a hard road ahead of you.

I would go no contact if I were you and let him visit and do his thing but have nothing to do with them.

Tiredtrout Tue 14-May-13 08:55:12

And there's even bloody more!

When we got posted back to the uk I took the opportunity to go back to work, I found a job, I found an au pair and we started to be able to afford to actually have a nice life.

Pil made it very clear they disapproved, it became even more apparent to them that iwas not a good wife, nor mother, even though I was doing all childcare stuff while at home, and the house was good, food on the table blah blah, their was still the little snipes and comments. I found another job, better paid, more interesting, shift work. It meant I was working 4on4off. I thought it was great, less reliant on the au pair, more money more time with the kids. Still not enough, I was abandoning my dc, my dh was neglected, I was still going to burn in hell etc

That Christmas I had to work during the day, it was how the shifts fell, no choice. Dpil came to stay, I prepped everything, made decorations, arranged days out, prepped all the food. All done for them. Work allowed visitors for the day so we could all see our dc, I got up did the stockings, went to work. Pil turned up at my work, fil demanded to know everything, I couldn't tell him or show him certain things as I was working for the police in the control room. He got very cross, more snippy comments were made, they went home, they overlooked everything I'd prepped ruining it, opened all the presents, didn't save me dinner or pudding. When I got home they'd put my dc to bed having seen them open their presents. I got blanked all night

Any hoo, this sort of thing has continued for years. My dh is very cowed to them and too scared to say anything too them.

I change jobs again, because of what it is same employer, but different role I have to go on a residential course. I gt as much ready as possible before I go, I'm at home every Friday leaving on the Sunday. I work my arse off, dh copes fine at home, we talk several times a day, he has the au pair still. Pil hate my job, it's not suitable for a woman, I'm supposed to be a mother, all the good stuff

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 08:57:02

Oh definitely don't invite this horrible pair back. Your DH may be too scared to say anything but it's your home and you get to say who crosses the threshold and it's not the Holy Terrors..... hmm

Tiredtrout Tue 14-May-13 09:05:40

And more, only half way!

Anyway nature of the job is such I work shifts, have to do courses which are at times residential and every now and then I get hurt. The most memorable one led to a very drawn out miscarriage, which occurred around dh 40th birthday, the baby was very much wanted and throughout the 2 week period it was happening for we were told the baby had a chance. On dh birthday his parents arrived, I had just got back from a scan, baby was still alive and I was told to rest, fil had a go at me about the kitchen not being clean and me not getting up for them. Dh explained yet again what was happening, that I needed to rest and that we just wanted to get a takeaway for dinner, he immediately booked and paid for a meal in their hotel and insisted that we all attended. I had a bleed while at the dinner, and they kept refusing to let us leave.

The next day was dh party, I got up, did all the food bar a salad, which I asked mil to help with, it took her hours, we set up at the venue and they told everyone they were throwing their ds a party because I couldn't be bothered! I stayed and cleared up, 5 days later I finally miscarried. I was told that it was gods will, and also it was because of me not being a proper wife. I cut them off for a time, dh was very upset by what they said but didn't feel that he could cut them off

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 09:12:56

"5 days later I finally miscarried. I was told that it was gods will,"

Know this quote? ""With or without religion, good people can behave well and bad people can do evil; but for good people to do evil—that takes religion. " Your IL's are evil.

bamboobutton Tue 14-May-13 09:24:09

Good grief! How have you not stabbed these arses to a bloody pulp? Just reading what they have done gives me the stabby rage. How have you tolerated it for so long?

I cut my toxic narc FIL out of my life and it has been brill.

Tiredtrout Tue 14-May-13 09:26:36

Anyhoo, I'm ill for a long time after the mc due to various complications, infection, untreated anaemia, depression, finally get back into the swing of things at work. Then get ill again, this time with an ovarian cyst which ruptures, have adhesions bad enough to need surgery. I'm signed off work, we are still trying for another child but as you can imagine it takes a while.

Our dc also find things difficult because they are scared of how ill I am with it all. We had almost lost our dd a couple of years before over the Christmas, she was in hospital for 3 weeks, my dps, drop everything, take care of everything so I can be with her and help nurse her, arrange care for ds, are just amazing. Pil visit the hospital twice, make comments while she's on life support about how she's at deaths door and other inappropriate things. They barely call to check on her or me the whole time.

I'd also discovered that the dc do not wish to stay with them alone anymore as mil goes through their mobiles after confiscating them, listens in to our phone calls and makes them attend their church.

I get pregnant again 13 months after the mc, I've managed to reduce contact to four visits a year. During the pg I receive no calls from them asking how I am. I was due last week, they invite themselves to stay from the due date for 5 days. The visit is a total disaster, I'm overdue and booked in for a home birth. I ask dh before they arrive of the visit can be postponed till after the baby is here. They refuse. They turn up a day late, make their usual comments, I am having a lot of pain and discomfort. On Sunday I start having strong pains and think I may be in labour, I get followed around by fil who keeps trying to talk to me, I end up shouting at him, the spin goes out to extended family that I had a fight with him. Their was no swearing, I just shouted 'please stop talking to me, leave me alone, I'm in pain'. They also made a number of offensive comments to both dc throughout the weekend. I go upstairs to get out of the way, strangely labour stops again. The next morning they leave, I get a text saying 'I hope for your sake that baby comes soon'.

I end up having a row with dh about it, all I've told him I'm not visiting them anymore neither are the dc. Any ideas on how to resolve all of this shit anyone? I hate putting dh in this situation, he loves his dp very much but can see what they do to us as a family.

Tiredtrout Tue 14-May-13 09:27:59

And to all those who've managed to read all this without committing hari Kari thanks

Tell him they are his parents, if he wants to see them he can go ahead.

Never ever see them again.

thanks

Branleuse Tue 14-May-13 09:38:50

id dump the lot of them.

oohaveabanana Tue 14-May-13 09:41:45

Wow.

2 initial thoughts:
- what's your dp's feelings about his parents and their behaviour now? What does he want?
- Why can't you/dp say no? 'They invite themselves to stay from the due date for 5 days.' In my house, that would simply have been a 'No', and I LIKE my in-laws....

NotKathyReichs Tue 14-May-13 09:42:01

I second what frebbie said. You do not have to have these people in your home!

You dont want to see them and your dc dont want to see them, so wtf are they doing in your house?

CalamityKate Tue 14-May-13 09:43:02

What Frebbie said. Simple.

The thing is, I could post a long post about talking to your DH and relations for the sake of the children and blah blah.

And I don't mean my post up there to sound rude.

But. Really. You do not need this shit. And if it's not this shit it'll be some other shit.

Your DH is a big boy. If he wants to see them he can go right ahead. Don't facilitate any contact.

If it were me I'd just decide they didn't exist any more to me and make an end to it.

If you don't you'll still be here in 20 years time - different crap same shit.

You don't deserve this, you don't need it, it's not you it's them.

And just let them to go hell.

Tiredtrout Tue 14-May-13 09:48:37

For some reason they just don't hear the word no, last night dh admitted that he doesn't want to see them because of the impact they have on us all but he is terrified of their reaction. He just can't get the idea that you can have different views to your parents. He has always believed they are acting in his best interests, even though their beliefs affected his education and all sorts of other things

CalamityKate Tue 14-May-13 09:50:40

Well if you tell them "no you may not come and stay" and they turn up, surely you'd say "what are you doing here? We told you that this wasn't convenient" and send them on their way?

CalamityKate Tue 14-May-13 09:51:33

They HEAR it alright. They've just learned that it means nothing and you'll let them get their own way anyway.

forgetmenots Tue 14-May-13 09:52:57

Tiredtrout, my ILs are similar and I haven't seen them in years. Luckily we had no dc to protect, dc1 is due very soon and I don't think ILs know. I only say this as a bit of a backdrop to what I'm going to say, it's biased as hell because I've been there.

You have been plunged into the middle of a dysfunctional family. The reason why your DH is struggling is because, for him, this is normal. Has he spoken much about his childhood? His parents both have personality disorders (they are following the scripts to a T) and I'm afraid because he doesn't know any different he is enabling them to hurt you and his children.

I will try and dig out the old post I made at the end of my tether, I had already gone NC with my inlaws because I couldn't take any more. Like you I didn't want to force my DH's hand (it's still up to him if he sees his family). Where your situation is different is that you really must stop them affecting your dc. I agree with whoever said up thread - tell him you and the kids will no longer be visiting. He can make up his own mind.

What worries me, though, is that your language is one of accepting this position. When you went for dinner and you were bleeding (I'm so sorry for your loss flowers ) you say they'd refused to let you leave. Without being harsh, they can refuse all they like but you and DH have minds of your own, unless they had a gun to your head there was no need at all for you to stay. This tells me that either you, DH or both of you are scared of them and their reactions, and if you are you can bet your dc are too.

Can I add that I was very ill for the last year or so of contact with my ILs, we were TTC, I was signed off work, had every illness in the book, it was amazing how quickly I healed once that stress was diminished in my life. You may find the same, and wouldn't that be a huge step forward?

The main issue here is your DH, I agree completely with your approach but I think you need to get tough and say no more for you and the kids, and leave him to it. (In the case of my DH, he lasted two years of on and off contact, being abused and put down every time they spoke, before also cutting them off after his mother threatened suicide so he would have it on his conscience, and this wasn't the first time). You need to show him that you can have a functioning, happy family much more easily without his parents, and that you intend to do that with or without his blessing just as he doesn't require your blessing to have a relationship with them.

More than happy to share more on pm if it helps, it's a horrible, nasty situation. Good luck flowers

KatyTheCleaningLady Tue 14-May-13 09:54:09

Put your foot down hard. Let your dh choose if he thinks he has to, but you have the right to never see or speak to the cock nozzles ever again.

expatinscotland Tue 14-May-13 09:55:01

I'd have dumped your lilly-lived excuse for a husband long, long ago.

There is only one way to deal with people like this.

If they turn up, say you were told it didn't suit, and turn them away.

I did it with my exSIL - she was told not to come, came anyway, and I turned her at the door. She'd driven 2 hours to get to us and my name was mud. Meh. So what. It was mud anyway no loss.

You have control. You have to decide if you want this - if not then it's short term pain for long term gain. Like ripping off a plaster.

I'm going to pm you xx

KatyTheCleaningLady Tue 14-May-13 09:55:20

And don't argue with him. Say they're never welcome in your home, again, and be very clear that you mean it, but don't talk on and on about it.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Tue 14-May-13 09:59:45

Seriously, I would move house and not give them the address!

Go no contact. Let your husband see them at their place or out of the home, but put your bloody foot down and do not allow them in your house.

They are beyond toxic. They aren't religious people at all, certainly not good Christians.

If they invite themselves again, tell them no and keep telling them no. If husband won't back you up, get yourself off to your parents with the kids for the duration of their visit.

By now I wouldn't give a toss what their reaction would be, they wouldn't be a part of my life.

When I say don't facilitate contact I mean

Don't remind him to ring his mum it's been two weeks since he phoned her

Don't remind him that it's so and so's birthday soon he needs to send a card.

If he goes, he organises everything he needs to take if he balls it up then he balls it up

The hardest thing is not to quiz him about who said what did what talk me through the day type shit.

Get caller display on your home phone. If it's them, don't answer.

Change your mobile no and do not give it to them and tell him he's not to give it to them either.

BabyHMummy Tue 14-May-13 10:04:01

Having been the child in a horrific in-law situation I can completely understand your dilemma. However if your children are begging you that they don't want contact with these people then please back them up. Have they told your husband how they feel?

My mum forced me til I was about 16 to have contact with my 'dfs parents and his mum was an evil witch to mum and me. It damaged my relationship with my dm and still does as she protects my dsis from df's toxic sister but never me from his mum.

Talk to your husband. And maybe talk to pil and explain that its not acceptable and it either stops now or contact stops?

Xiaoxiong Tue 14-May-13 10:04:36

You are not putting your DH in this situation. They are.

Tell him you will not interfere or control his relationship with his parents. He can go see them when and where he wants.

But make it clear that because of the previous ten billion ways they have treated you and your kids worse than shit on their shoes, you will never see them again.

If the DC don't want to see them either that makes it even easier.

pinkyredrose Tue 14-May-13 10:05:41

They sound like ignorant bigoted idiots using religion as a prop. I'd have nothing more to do with them.

Your DH sounds like a wet blanket too, he really needs to grow some balls.

Talking to people like this is a complete and utter waste of time.

Don't talk.

Make a decision, and follow it through. Whatever decision you make - no contact, minimal contact, whatever. But don't try to talk to them it's just going to send your blood pressure sky high.

Xiaoxiong Tue 14-May-13 10:07:06

Missed your latest post - well, even your DH doesn't want to see them!! So all you need to do is:
- tell your DH he is allowed not to have any contact with him,
- hold his hand for the next few months if they try to pull any shenanigans, and
- get him some counselling.

DH and I have been through this with FIL. One session of counselling was all he needed to really see through his father's antics. It was amazing, kind of like scales falling from his eyes.

miemohrs Tue 14-May-13 10:08:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleBearPad Tue 14-May-13 10:08:35

They sound horrific. Frebbie is right. Cut them out. If DH wants to go and see them it's up to him but they don't visit anymore

Tiredtrout Tue 14-May-13 10:27:56

Just had my dm trying to tell me this is the wrong time to be doing this, think she's worried about me getting stressed as I'm overdue. She keeps doing the bit their his parents thing, she doesn't even like them!

forgetmenots Tue 14-May-13 10:33:40

Tiredtrout, you don't have to be doing anything... Just stop. Stop maintaining the facade. As Frebbie said, don't facilitate. I know how stressful I would feel if my ILs were on the scene at the moment and all I can say is I'm sure the stress of dealing with them is worse than the stress of speaking to your DH about boundaries.

Fwiw my mum didn't properly understand how bad my ILs were until she saw how bad they were for herself, you have to judge this by yourself.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rootypig Tue 14-May-13 10:40:25

Congratulations on your pg OP flowers

So do I gather you are now overdue? if that is the case I would say first order of business is some enforced nuclear family time, ban the vile awful PILs from darkening your door and cuddle up and enjoy new baby with your other DC. Keep them away for a set period and during that time put them out of your mind. They are wretched people and you must be extremely stressed as a result.

I would ban them for as long as you can get away with - a few weeks, a month? it might give them a short, sharp shock and a taste of how much they have to lose. It sounds as if until now, to your credit, you've been incredibly accommodating and pleasant, but I wonder if it's time to pull the plug on that. It's been years and you're making no headway, they obviously think they can just ride roughshod over you. Though my issues with my MIL are pretty standard and nowhere near this level, I have noticed that when I snap at her, she winds her neck in. Ultimately, PIL behaviour is driven by insecurity in their relationship with their own DC / DGC. A bit of a show of iron will might make them play ball. If it were me, I would ring, explain that they're not welcome and why, and hang up.

As for their DS-! OP, you don't say much about how things are emotionally with your DH. But it sounds as if the central person in all these relationships - him - is AWOL and neither you nor PIL are expecting nearly as much from him as you are from each other. He needs to set and enforce boundaries for them around his marriage, not least that they'll treat you with some fucking respect. And he needs to work on his relationship with them so that they feel somewhat more secure.

I've just started reading this book, and am finding it helpful, you might too?

Good luck for the birth smile

springymater Tue 14-May-13 11:47:13

You have been plunged into the middle of a dysfunctional family. The reason why your DH is struggling is because, for him, this is normal. Has he spoken much about his childhood? His parents both have personality disorders (they are following the scripts to a T) and I'm afraid because he doesn't know any different he is enabling them to hurt you and his children

Totally this.

YOur story reminds me of (sorry to say) asian abuse ie a dil who is hideously abused by her ILs.

They are truly, truly toxic. Get them out of your lives. Your husband could probably do with some therapy to process the effects of his evil viper parents.

olgaga Tue 14-May-13 12:00:44

I hate putting dh in this situation

Eh? It's him that's putting you in this situation through his unsupportive and downright cowardly behaviour.

Your problem is with your DH, not your ILs. Stick to your guns and refuse to see them or have them in your home again.

If they want to visit your DH and children, they can book themselves into a local hotel and DH can take the children to them. If he wants to visit his parents, he can take the children with him when they are all old enough.

Hope you are ok op. nothing to add over what springy said

paintyourbox Tue 14-May-13 12:13:14

Your ILs sound like mine, myself and DD will never be accepted as DP and I aren't married.

They gave me a really hard time during my pg, I was in hospital early on as I was very unwell, they didn't so much as phone to check we were okay.

I posted on here for advice and the posters were spot on. They told me to put my foot down as if I didn't they would always treat me badly.

DP thought I was unreasonable until he was on the recieving end of their nastiness. Now he supports me 100%

If they come up to stay, they don't come round to our house. I told them we don't tolerate unkindness and rudeness in our home and thus they are not welcome.

DP goes to visit them, I always seem to be "busy". They don't tend to notice.

DD doesn't see them for long, they say they don't like dealing with a "screaming child" as it "spoils their meals" she's 10 months old for goodness sake!

Put your foot down, lock the door and if they turn up unannounced don't let them in. Use the stock MN response: "Did you mean to sound so rude"

This comment made earlier by forgetmenots is spot on and you need to take heed:-

"You have been plunged into the middle of a dysfunctional family. The reason why your DH is struggling is because, for him, this is normal. Has he spoken much about his childhood? His parents both have personality disorders (they are following the scripts to a T) and I'm afraid because he doesn't know any different he is enabling them to hurt you and his children"

Your DH is mired in a state known as FOG re his parents - fear, obligation, guilt. He has all three in spades. It will take an awful long time to come to an acceptance of such a state even if he were to now properly acknowledge his parents utter failings of him and his siblings. It could take years actually along with a lot of counselling with an experienced counsellor.

Stop trying to treat and think of these people as other "normal" family relations; toxic people like these two do not and never take any responsibility for their actions. Its either their way or no way with such people, they can never ever be reasonable and it is a mistake to think of them on any level as such. These ILs of yours will go on to cause your children emotional harm if they are subjected to any contact at all with them. You have seen all too clearly how they have acted with your H and look how cowed and emotionally damaged he now is. That's the legacy toxic people leave and this crap as well does filter down the generations.

Do not have your ILs in your house under any circumstances; your job is also to protect your children from such malign influences. If your DH is not strong enough to do that then you have to do that for them. Their welfare is paramount.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward and your DH certainly needs to read "Toxic Parents" written by the same author.

Tiredtrout Tue 14-May-13 17:41:54

Thanks for all your advice and support. When I say putting dh in this situation, I mean putting my foot down and refusing to take their crap any longer, effectively saying them or us. Bloody horrible, I hate ultimatums and I don't like making him choose. They are not going to have anything to do with any of my dc anymore if I can help it.

It's so difficult, I've been brought up to respect my parents wishes as has he, it's just my dps are relatively normal!

Dh has been deeply affected by them, due to their beliefs he was not allowed to do English lit olevel as Macbeth was on the syllabus. He was not allowed to just hang out with girls, he has an odd relationship with alcohol as they are totally tee total, no sherry trifle at Christmas, he has been brought up to not show emotion and that the man of the house is in charge, when fil is present we are expected to defer to him. He doesn't know how to have a row and after a small argument over nothing which I thought was normal it takes days to recover because he has never seen anyone argue back against his df. His df when his dgf died leaving him half the house demanded that his dsis move out within 2 months even though she had lived there all her life and had cared for both their dps until their death, because she didn't rush to it as she was grieving he has cut her out, she's his only sister.

All of this makes it incredibly hard for him to stand up to them and I get that.

Whocansay Tue 14-May-13 17:50:36

OP, you aren't making your dh choose. He can see his parents on his own. You're just asking that he not inflict them on the rest of you!

They are truly nasty, and you do not need them anywhere near you or your children.
flowers

BerylStreep Tue 14-May-13 18:05:37

Oh Tired, how crap.

They sound truly horrific. They aren't from NI by any chance?

You need to put your foot down, hard.

You are under no obligation to see them at all - why the fuck would you spend even another second of your precious life with these judgmental bigots?

If it was me I would go no contact, completely.
I would also be stipulating that they are not welcome in your home ever again.
Nor do you want to hear from your DH what things they have said about you.

If your DH wants to continue a relationship with his parents, by all means, but it doesn't have to involve you.

And promise me that you will not let either of your PILs over the threshold, and even worse, give up your bed, when your baby is born!

Finally, good luck with the baby, let's hope it comes soon! smile

forgetmenots Tue 14-May-13 18:09:54

What whocansay said.

If you were asking him to choose you would say 'I will leave you if you see them again' - or similar. You are saying (I hope!) 'things in your life can remain as they are, but for me and the kids, enough is enough'.

I second what Attila said about counselling for your DH too.

JohnSnowsTie Tue 14-May-13 18:13:23

What vile, nasty people. They don't deserve you or your DCs in their lives. Utterly unbelievable. And the worst possible examples of Christians - completely unchristian.

Seriously, cut them out. They're not worth spitting on. I know people who've relieved themselves of their inlaws for far less and their lives have been thoroughly enriched.

Leave them to their own fire and brimstone. You owe them nothing.

Fuck me people like this make me angry

LittleBearPad Tue 14-May-13 22:30:20

DH doesn't need to choose. He can still see them, just not at your house. It is ok for you to pull back from seeing them.

Tiredtrout Sat 25-May-13 10:35:16

Well thought I ought to update, we finally had our dd last Sunday. Since then there has been no phone calls or texts to me from them just to check how things are, my dh has been back to work full time ever since as he is in a course for his new job and it would be impossible to keep up if he had a day off let alone a week. Our other dc have been having exams all week so I have been trying to do everything to let them study. My dps have been over a few times and brought cards and presents for the baby and have arranged to take the older dc in half term for a couple of days. We received a card Wednesday from the in laws, they said they were coming for the day on Sunday, then it was changed to mil is feeling poorly so we might not we will let you know, this morning dh got a call from his df saying that mil had pneumonia but hadn't been to the doctors and they won't be coming tomorrow. Sil had also been invited to get that side of the family seen so we don't have to do it again but she hasn't said if she is or not.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Sat 25-May-13 11:00:11

Congratulations flowers on the birth of your baby daughter!

I am glad you did not have to fight the ILs during/around her birth.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 25-May-13 11:29:05

I notice they're still telling you when they're coming to visit, not asking whether it's all right with you (the answer to which, of course, would be "no, it's not all right" - which is presumably why they don't ask). What extreme bad manners. Clearly you have enough on your plate without fighting that battle right now, but when things calm down a little it may be time to send a card right back saying they are NOT visiting on Sunday because it is not convenient for you. It could get rough...

Hooray for strategic pneumonia though.

Tiredtrout Sat 25-May-13 11:33:55

Or manipulative pretendy illness, either way I don't have to see them, which is nice, just a little too tired to push the point with dh right now xx

goonyagoodthing Sat 25-May-13 11:34:06

Congratulations on your lovely little babby.

Hopefully the lunatics will stay away for a very long time. Have you got anyone who would be willing to act as a barrier between you? What I mean is, your DH is not going to do it, so is there anyone else who can ring them and tell it to them like it is? Your father, or a member of your DHs family?

I am the biggest doormat in the world. I have it tattooed on my forehead. But even I would bar them from ever setting foot in my house again. If you don't feel like you can do it, get someone who can.

Fuck them, don't feel guilty or bad, they are the ones who caused it. If they had at least basic manners you might have a chance, but they don't. They are not even ignorant, they are just bad, nasty people, expressing their prejudice and evilness under the guise of religion.

Whocansay Sat 25-May-13 14:41:43

Congratulations!

Tell your MIL to fuck off and keep her germy carcass away from your newborn!

Seriously, even if she was the loveliest woman on the planet you wouldn't want her round your newborn if she's ill. She's given you a cast iron excuse not to see them....

Hissy Brazil Sat 25-May-13 15:01:33

You know i'm sure I heard that pneumonia is dangerous to be around for.. ooh, let's say, 6 months wink

Hissy Brazil Sat 25-May-13 15:02:53

Or was it 6 years...

Best to err on the side of caution i'd say...

FriendofDorothy Sat 25-May-13 15:42:31

Better off without them. My inlaws are a pain at times but they are saints in comparison to yours!

Thumbwitch Sat 25-May-13 15:53:52

God you poor woman!
I've just been having a wee whinge about my own MIL on FB, but jeez, she's a solid gold saint when measured against yours! shock

I'd say the illness is at the very least exaggerated, how on earth can they know it's pneumonia without having seen the doctor?

Your DH - God love him - needs to realise that they don't actually have any hold over him bar what he allows them to have. They sound bloody awful, and quite frankly you'd ALL be better off without them in your lives at all - so he should stand up to them and let them make their own choice as to whether that involves them being cut off from him/ their DGC. Obviously you and your DC will be the better for it, but what does he get out of the relationship with them? Cos it doesn't sound like anything good.

I hope that they continue to stay away - see if you can offend them slightly a little more, perhaps by suggesting that you don't want them seeing your new shiny baby while there's the least chance of them infecting her - and that you can find a way forward that doesn't involve this dire situation continuing.

Congratulations on your new DD, btw! thanks

BerylStreep Sun 26-May-13 20:06:22

Congrats on your new DD!

They are vile. I honestly think you should put your foot down and tell them they are not welcome in your house. They hate you anyway, so what have you got to lose? Your DH doesn't seem able to stand up to them, so you need to.

And on a very serious note, if your MIL is unwell, don't let her anywhere near you or DD.

mathanxiety Mon 27-May-13 03:49:55

Tired, your H needs to go to counselling and try to get to the point where he can stand up to his parents. Do you think he might be willing to do this? I can't see him just standing up one fine day and flipping them the bird all on his own. He needs help. His parents sound like brainwashers.

You could maybe get him a copy of 'Toxic Parents', by Susan Forward.
Maybe he cold browse through 'Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self', by Charles Whitfield.
'Adult Children: Secrets of Dysfunctional Families' by John and Linda Friel might hit the spot too.

theoriginalmrstiredandconfused Mon 27-May-13 07:33:46

Firstly, huge congrats on your DD! Lovely news!

Sorry but it would be a cold day in hell before I let her into my home again. You don't need the excuse that she is ill not to see her (although I agree that this is perfect) - you do not have to put up with their shit, they are utterly vile and have put up with them for quite long enough.

I know you feel like you are giving DH an ultimatum, but you're not - he is more than welcome to see them if he wishes, but they are not your responsibility.

And fuck this whole "inviting themselves over" lark - remember, no is a complete sentence. And if that means that they don't get to meet your newborn then, frankly, sod it. You would all be far better off without them. (I say that as a perpetual mug who has finally been pushed far enough to go no contact with a close relative - it has taken years so I don't say this lightly)

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