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ex has said he doesn't want to see one of his kids

(42 Posts)
womblingfree1970 Mon 13-May-13 20:46:00

I have 2 children with my ex aged 9 and 13 .He has been having regular contact with them.one overnight stay every other saturday plus a few hours one evening a week.

They can both be a handful.But especially the teen.He has now said because of the teens behaviour he doesn't want to see her anymore.He has told both her and me this.Now because of this the 9 year old says she doesn't want to see him if her sister isn't.I told him this and he has said so be it.

I can't believe it.How can a father do this.He also blames me for the 13 year olds behaviour.Says that I have neglected her.That im too busy with my friends.I only see them when kids are at school or on the evening the kids are with him.That i should have sorted daughters behaviour out.That what is he suppose to do when i have them 90% and he only has them for 10%.I said he could see them more.He said no

Now one of the reasons i believe he is doing this is to get at me.I feel he has tried different ways of getting back with me and i don't want this.I divorce has recently been finalised and i think he now realises its over.I mean it.I feel he's doing this to stop me having any life.cos he knows i have no family etc to look after the children.

Anyway one thing is if he suddenly demands to see the youngest where do i stand legally cos surely it isn't fair to see one and not the other.surely thats not in the best interest of the children.

Anyway one of his comments is I got what i wanted to be a single parent so i can now bring them up on my own while he gets on with his life.

tribpot Mon 13-May-13 20:49:42

I am absolutely staggered that a father would be so wantonly cruel to his 13 year old daughter. Your 9 year old should not have been put in a position to choose whether she saw him without her sister - I'm assuming he said this in front of both girls, rather than just the older one?

I would take some legal advice on a potential request to see one child without the other, but my guess is that it would not be in the best interests of either and he would not find a court willing to enforce it.

They are far better off not seeing him.

What a bastard. At 13 your DD is going through so many changes. Not only her body and emotions, but her friendships, her sense of self and levels of independence are all changing. At once. I assume the divorce has been difficult for them both, but her especially.

You know all this ofcourse. I dont doubt it for a minute. But I cannot believe that he could be so selfish and obtuse to punish them further. To get at you.

They really are better off not seeing him. How awful for them though. sad

Branleuse Mon 13-May-13 21:00:15

has he always shown narcissistic behaviour?

my dad did this to both me and my brother

mumandlawyer Mon 13-May-13 21:01:11

Tribpot is right. Siblings should have contact together. It causes problems if one sees dad without the other and it will certainly not help with your 13 year old's behaviour. This problem occurs quite often in my experience. I would be firm and tell him no contact unless both can benefit. The contact is for the children not for him. If he is struggling with behaviour, then perhaps take the contact back to basics. A few hours at first and then build it up. I don't know why but many separated fathers seem to believe that teenagers are not their problem. Put your foot down. If he doesn't like it, take legal advice. Private message me and I will point you in the right direction.

womblingfree1970 Mon 13-May-13 21:02:25

tribpot

To make it clear.He told the eldest he didn't want to see her twice.Once while the younger sister wasn't present.He then rang me in front of the 13 year old, repeated it to me so she could hear.The second time was when they were both in his car but the youngest wasn't listening to the conversation so never heard it.

The youngest didn't become aware of it until they got back to me because the eldest then told me about it all in front of my youngest daughter.Of course as soon and the younger one heard she said that it wasn't right and that she wasn't going to dads without her sister.

kittybiscuits Mon 13-May-13 21:06:33

Oh dear wombling what a complete knob he is. Please reassure your 13 year old that nothing she could possibly have done would explain his response - this is about him, 100%. I think I would feel inclined to arm yourself with some legal info/advice, then sit back and do nothing. He sounds like he contributes nothing. At least it's completely clear it's down to you to look after the children. My daughter was a nightmare from 12-14 - I honestly despaired and felt like a shit parent most of the time. She's 15 now and things have calmed down a lot. He sounds like someone who likes to get a reaction...I think I would want to leave him to it.

ivykaty44 Mon 13-May-13 21:07:52

Some people don't understand that children will be who they want to be and it is not all down to the parent.

I think your childrens dad is finding them a real handful more than in fact he has let on and he can't control them at all what so ever, he is finding it really very hard work - so rather than take on some sort of relationship with them and work at it - he is just blaming you.

I also think that possibly your older daughter is much more like you in looks and personality? and her father can't cope with this either.

He is a very weak person and pretty much a coward, I guess this is why you are not together.

My only advise is don't fight it - they really are better of without him and let them both know it really is his problem and some people are really stupid but they must never ever think it is them at fault.

changeforthebetter Mon 13-May-13 21:09:11

What a twunt! 13 year olds are no picnic. I spend large parts of the week teaching them. Their job is to be hormonal, angsty, self-absorbed, bolshy little buggers grin only a megalomaniac would imagine you could "sort them out" - establish reasonable boundaries, yes.

Seriously, this is highly abusive to both DCs and to you - he blames you hmm Not sure where you go with this brewwine (X blames me for DD's behavioural issues....... Not to do with his open preference for her little sister - oh no! Wanker!angry)

AnyFucker Mon 13-May-13 21:10:01

What an utter cunt

Your girls have him sussed

Just cut the fucker off, stupid twat

BenjaminButton172 Mon 13-May-13 21:10:46

Would a court let him see one & not the other? How awful for your children.hmm

Hassled Mon 13-May-13 21:13:16

I'm speechless. All I can think to say is that your girls are probably better off without him, if that's how he can behave.

13 year old girls are notoriously hard work - they get better. It passes (although it could take a while). How you can just walk away from a difficult time in your child's life is beyond me.

womblingfree1970 Mon 13-May-13 21:22:35

ivykaty44

I don't believe its about him being weak.He is not a weak man.Its more about him losing control.he has a controlling personaily.Well towards me he did.Thats why i divorced him.He has tried time and time again to get back with me.

What happened was my eldest was behaving in her usual typical teenage way.doing grunt etc.not really wanting to talk.She also didn't want to go swimming.cos she had a cold and told him this.He tried to make her.She refused.she then said why can't we do things like cycling like we used to.He said no.made excuses that he can't do these things not without me.She said but we used to.He says yes when your mum and me were together.She said no it wasn't. She then said I know more about why your relationship ended than you think.He said what.She said not saying cos you will hit me.She can come out with things like this.She does it to push our buttons cos she is a teen.She also does a similar thing to me.Not just about the relationship but about other things.She also makes things up.of course i know this and she gets disciplined for it.But she is doing it cos she is hormonal.

Anyway so i asked her about this.She said she meant that she knew we were always arguing and that she thought if she told him this he would hit her cos he had already said he would hit her earlier in the day.

I think he's worried that she knows more.Because he did some bad things to me.But I have never told her this.But as she's getting older she's starting to put 2 and 2 together.

tribpot Mon 13-May-13 21:36:55

Do you think he did threaten to hit her?

womblingfree1970 Mon 13-May-13 21:43:36

tribpot

im not sure.as she does sometimes say things that aren't true.She does about me,so i know for sure she can lie.

But from what she's saying she was going on as kids do and he said if you carry on you will get a smack.obviously its not illegal to smack your children in this country as long as it doesn't leave a mark.so if thats the case there isn't an issue.obviously everyone has different opinion on this.I don't want to get into that debate now

The issue is more this.telling her he won't see her.And favouring her sister over her.its wrong and cruel in my eyes.

parabelle Mon 13-May-13 21:56:38

He's being a knob (and I don't say that lightly). You need to support your daughter and give her as much reassurance as possible that it's not her, it's him.
My father did the same to me at 12 and it really messed with my head.
Good luck, they're lucky they've got you.

ivykaty44 Mon 13-May-13 21:59:14

control freaks are weak wombling, think about a pack of cards and how you can build a tower if you are very careful and control your movements whilst buidling the tower - if you lose control the whole tower is weak and will come tumbling down and land in a heap on the table

OldRichandGrateful Mon 13-May-13 22:03:05

Playing the divide and conquer card is he? Trying to stir up the relationship between sisters and get them hating each other?

He is being a twat. 13 year old girls are a handful for ANY parent. Will he dump your other DD when she is 13 and "difficult"?

Your DDs are better off without him.

womblingfree1970 Mon 13-May-13 22:08:08

oldrichandgrateful

Actually you saying about stirring their relationship up.being 2 girls and at their ages they obviously bicker anyway and of course now you say that of course this won't help.Although at the moment that hasn't been the result.They are both disliking him for what he is doing and also the eldest says she believes he's doing it to get at me.

She feels guillty for what has happened as she is aware i have no help from anyone else and am alone.But i have assured her she is not to blame for this.Although i have pointed out that she shouldn't be misbehaving.

AnyFucker Mon 13-May-13 22:16:27

I think it is lovely that the younger girl has said she isn't going if her sister isn't

Listen to her, not him (and trust your instincts)

Pilgit Mon 13-May-13 22:37:42

What an absolute fuckwit. I really have nothing useful to add that you won't already know. Sometimes it is the job as us as parents to just take the crap our children throw at us (with appropriate discipline where necessary) and meet it with unconditional love and acceptance. He is the adult. He is the parent. Hopefully your daughter will see this act for what it is and not let his rejection cause lasting damage to her psyche.

womblingfree1970 Tue 14-May-13 13:16:08

i have contacted a few solicitors today and it seems there is not alot i can do.

Firstly i am on income support and a carer to my eldest cos she has a disability.And can't get legal aid for help with this.apparently the system changed in april and secondly i have been told its ok for him to say he doesn't want to see one of the children.Theres nothing i can do about it and i might be on dodgy ground not sending the other one.

I am going to look into this further

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 13:42:11

I think there's the legal aspect to this and then there's the pragmatic one. Keep both DDs home, let him sue if he feels that strongly about it (which I am willing to be bet he isn't because if you don't qualify for legal aid I don't suppose he does either) and take it from there. Your children are plenty old enough to speak up for themselves, contact has to always be 'what's best for the children' and I'm pretty sure his unequal treatment would be severely frowned upon if it ever actually got to a court.

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 13:49:20

I'd cut contact, rather than try to force it.

He is being nasty to the children.

And it may well happen that he'll keep contact just to spite you. grin

womblingfree1970 Tue 14-May-13 16:37:44

lweji

Im going to cut contact anyway.i just hoped Id having the backing legally if i did this.

Its terrible there are soo many fathers out there who want to see their children but their ex stops it to spite them.whereas i have tried to keep contact with him.cos i think its important and he's done this

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 16:43:40

You need to get as much evidence as possible in case he goes to court, to show your reasoning.

I'd restrict communication with him to e-mail and text messages.
You can send him one telling him this and referring to him not wanting to see DD1. Write it in a way that elicits a response from him about this, confirming what he said on the phone.

You can also ask your gp for advice regarding the children, possibly referring to counselling to deal with this twat's actions if you think it could be useful.

Mention it to school, saying you are worried it might affect their behaviour/results.

BTW, those "poor fathers" who are denied access, possibly are not that dissimilar from this...

slug Tue 14-May-13 16:48:34

Does he pay maintenance via the CSA? If he drops contact then it might be worth seeing if you can be reassessed.

This will irritate a control freak no end.

womblingfree1970 Tue 14-May-13 17:34:36

lweji

He's clever he hasn't put anything in writing so far but even when ive sent texts regarding this.he ignores them.of course he has then called and stated he doesn't want to see her.I have just spoken with solicitor again.She has said to write everything down with dates.She has said i can also stop him from seeing both children now and that he then has to take me to court for access.It is when this happens i will have to state my reasoning for stopping access.

I will of course try to get a response from him via text/email about him not wanting to see his DD.But he really is a clever f***er.I think he will just ignore that part of the message.And i will only now communicate thro text/email.

Also whilst this has been going on he has made verbal threats to me.one was if i mess up with looking after kids he's coming for me.Also if i seek advice/help he'll be ready and waiting for me.All pretty nasty and all verbal.But all directed at me not the children.again very difficult to prove and my word against his.

i have spoken to police and they are coming this evening.

I believe he is doing all of this because our divorce is now finalised.He has tried time and time again to get back with me and i am having none of it and have made it clear.Also this escalated when my father passed away a few weeks ago.He said he had been waiting for this moment when something bad was happening when i would need someone and be vunerable.

Also when my father died my ex offered to come to funeral for me.not for my fathers sake and again i said no.i didn't need him there.he didn't like this at all.I think it was another attempt to try to get back in my life not to really help.I have also realised that on the day of my fathers death my ex had been looking thro my house.Trying to find out things about me.I had given him a key just for that day to help with children.

He really is just trying to hurt me.

KittensandKids Tue 14-May-13 17:36:24

I would agree and not let them see either, he cannot be an ad-hoc Dad when he choose.

whitesugar Tue 14-May-13 17:37:48

Wombling I feel for you going through this. My DD is 16 & CD is 14. I left him when pg with my DS cos he was violent EA person towards me. I encouraged access as he loved his kids. Over the years incidents arose, verbal only, cos he wd tell them I was a bitch etc. But they always seemed happy to go to his house. When they got to teenage years he could not handle it and tensions arose. When my son was 13 he was cheeky to his dad who attacked him, fracturing his hand & causing bruising to his face. I had always watched closely for signs of violence & asked DC s if he ever hit them. They said no but when incident with DS happened they admitted that he had hit both of them hard on one occasion previously. I made a charge but PPS would not take it. They had no contact for 4 months til contrite dad emailed asking for contact. Against my wishes they went overnight. SS told me I could not stop contact because DC s could decide themselves. All seemed ok for about 5 months when one day DD was cheeky to him & he assaulted her. Police recommended adult caution to prevent DD having to go to court.

Long way of saying be careful with teenagers access to controlling father. My EH could not cope with wife who challenged him and could not cope with challenges from teenagers. I always thought children needed fathers but am now of the view that an EA father is more damaging than an absent one. I have been dealing with stress related anger from DC s as a rest of EH's violent temper. Only by talking very frankly about what happened they are coming out of it. They view him as weak & DD wants nothing to do with him. DS Still keeps contact but absolutely recognises his father's failings. I worry the choices they make will be influenced by their fathers behaviour but hope they will be ok. When I can afford therapy I will send them to some sessions. I think we would all have been better off without any contact with him.

I hope hearing about others mns' experiences will help. You are definitely not alone. Since this all happened my DC s have told me similar experiences their friends went through. I am pleased they can talk to one another about it. I hope it works our for you and your DC.

annielouisa Tue 14-May-13 18:30:17

I really feel for you and your poor DD. My DGD is 13 and no longer sees her DF because she refuses to play happy families with the OW and her DD. The younger DD aged 8 still goes as he made it clear he would go back to court to inforce his access. My poor DGD1 worries about her sister when she is with him and is hugely angry with him.

DGD1 still see her DGD and is on holiday with him soon so it is just her DF that is the fool. She is not a difficult teenager she is a thoughtful girl she just cannot accept the OW and the problems she caused.

Lowry Tue 14-May-13 19:47:43

This man is a bastard.
Kids are like marriage vows, for better and for worst.
Feel for you xx

mummytime Tue 14-May-13 19:54:38

Keep a diary. It can be used as evidence, especially if written at the time. I would suggest logging every call or conversation you have with him, and enclose copies of texts and emails. Also record things your DC tell you. Date and time everything.

But you've told him that the youngest one doesn't want to see him without her sister. And he said "so be it". So he is the one who has cut contact with his children, not you. So how can he take you to court over it when it was his decision?

Joy5 Tue 14-May-13 20:07:15

My ex barely sees our middle son, hes 19 with aspergers and can't forgive his dad for leaving or for having another woman, they've not had any contact since March, its been like that since ex moved out, they see each other for a few weeks then go months with no contact.

Ex doesn't like the fact middle son doesn't cover up his feelings, whereas he sees our younger son and takes him to football/ cricket so no time for talking or not much.

My solicitor told me last year when my ex was telling me he was going for fifty fifty cusody, that the children would be asked what they wanted. So your 9 year old is probably old enough to say she doesn't want to see her dad. It would also be really expensive to take legal action to see her, and would take time, my solicitor said it was really unlikely my ex would take action and she was right, it was just said to cause me the maximum amount of pain and worry, and it succeeded.

If you want to check it out legally, i'm in the same boat as you can't get legal aid and don't earn much, but solicitors will give you a free half an hour so you can check out your personal position. Then you'll know exactly where you stand, but don't believe what your ex tells you, ask on MNs for advice, and don't trust him an inch. I'm learning from experience ex's will say anything if they think they can upset you and cause even more pain.

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 20:14:37

He really is just trying to hurt me.

Yes.

With XH I simply stopped answering his phone calls, so he was so desperate to get to me that he did make some serious threads by e-mail and text.
The only phone call I have answered since then has been in front of a policeman while at the police station.
And I have reported every threatening e-mail and text message.

Even his skype contact to DS has at some point been recorded.

I have basically ignored his nasty drunk e-mails (except when I did want some evidence of his behaviour) and have kept contact just to arrange contact times with DS.

It has got better, as he doesn't get the satisfaction of a reply and I haven't backed down.
Even to him missing contact times, I have cut it unless he confirms he will log in, and when he's a twat online I just turn skype off.

You can now simply write to him stating that as per his request, there will be no further contact with your children, and why. To let you know if he wants to see both and you will then let him know if ok.

Honestly, they will be better off without him than with a bad father.

womblingfree1970 Tue 14-May-13 20:25:50

scarletwomanofthevillage

im asking just in case ex changes his mind.cos everything thats happened has been verbal.no texts,nothing written.

so yes atm he has said so be it.But i know him too well.He will be ringing next to ask to see youngest and then what do i do.where do i stand.t

KittensandKids Tue 14-May-13 20:30:20

He cannot request contact with one DC, its all or nothing. Do as Lweji said, I do this too, I have waited almost 2 years on him 'taking me to court' we are the point where the DC do not want to see now as he messed them about so much.

He cannot use children as a weapon, they get messed up. He is being a total bastard

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 20:54:51

Firstly, don't answer the phone. smile
He'll text or e-mail.

Even if you answer the phone, record every conversation.

If he asks, it's two or none, as per DD2 request.

zxcv123 Tue 14-May-13 21:25:51

I'm in the same boat - XH refuses to have anything to do with older child, whilst still seeing younger child. I know most people say that fathers shouldn't be able to pick and choose between their children but for us it's been two years now and (so far) it's actually worked out just fine.

DS1 had reached the point anyway where he could see his father for who he really was and didn't like what he saw; DS2 enjoys & looks forward to time with his father. I personally don't understand how a father can telephone and only speak to one child / take only one child on overseas holidays / never ask about how DS1 has done in exams etc, but there you are.

My understanding is that once children are 11 or so a court will assume they are mature enough to have a reasoned view on whether they wish to spend time with a parent. So I would listen carefully to what your DCs say they want to do now & support them in their decisions.

I agree with Lweji :

You can now simply write to him stating that as per his request, there will be no further contact with your children, and why. To let you know if he wants to see both and you will then let him know if ok.

And then just don't answer his calls. If he wants to respond to that, it will have to be in writing.

So sorry for your poor DDs sad

Molly333 Tue 14-May-13 22:37:32

Interesting , my ex was exactly the same , this carried on for six years, then the last time he decided he didn't want to see them I had had enough, I cut all ties. Me and the children had a talk and decided we were a team and we would continue our lives supporting each other , in fact now we are happy , we hv fun and enjoy looking after each other . The peace is nice and the fact I don't hv to put up with " dad said this" anymore is fantastic . You are a team , stick together , hv new boundaries together , be free but look at the good of u three not the bad xxx

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