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Husband of 2 weeks has cheats :-( devastated

(106 Posts)
mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 14:59:12

Hi there,
I'm writing, not for sympathy, but advice on how to deal with a situation .
Me and my husband have been together 7 years and got married 4 weeks ago now, and we have a little daughter of 6 months, a happy home, and a importable life.

2 weeks ago I go onto our family computer, and find within his e-mails messages from a woman stating "last nig was amazing, I can't wait until next time" as we'll as similar replies from my husband. I was go smacked and confronted him staright away, not in a shouting way, but I was surprised at how calm I talked about it.

He told me he did it because we've not been the same since having a child, and we've been pushing each other away. He told me he paid this woman (an escort he seeked out online) £50 and mt her at a cheap hotel for an hour, and that was it.

I emailed this woman, and spoke with her on the whole with my husband present and demanded to know everything.
She told me he booked a posh hotel with afour poster bed & paid £250 for the night with her & she wanted more..
He had told her he wasn't married, had no kids, lied about his occupation & said he had so much money he didn't now what to do with it ll.

2 weeks prior to this, he'd been on a course with work & our daughter was ill then, & he was short with me on the phone the whole time when I was crying I opulent cope alone, and now know those 2 weeks he was calling her for hours on end, it makes me so so sad.

The upshot is, that I've oven him one last chance ( he's done this sort of thing before when I was pregnant, but didn't carry it through- I found the messages prior to anything happening) but what I'm finding so difficult is trusting him, stopping thinking about it etc.

Or sex life has improved since, and we've been making more efforts etc. he's doing morefornour daughter ( he hadn't seemed fussed previously & I was buying her everything etc.)
He's been treated good at home from the moment we met. I run his baths, set his clothes out, support him in his hobbies, work etc. I cook, clean...he doesn't have to lift a finger. I also have a good sex drive, so it can't be that I'm frigid.

I almost feel jealous of the night he gave her. He said he was trying to relive our wedding night, as we had a room with a 4 poster bed, but I fell asleep on the wedding night because I'd been up so so early etc, so I didn't put out.

Please help me think of a way back to happy. I'm even considering booking a male escort myself, just to get even, and then we can start a fresh from there. E're supposed to be moving house this week for a fresh start, but it feels horrible with this hanging over me, the worry, the doubts, and e sad hurt feeling ebbing away within.

What can I possibly do? Xx

mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 15:01:08

The woman was devastated too, as she had no idea. Just thought I'd add that

Sorry you are in this situation. I couldn't forgive if I were you. It's no wonder you don't trust him.

BriansBrain Mon 13-May-13 15:05:41

Wow

So he is blaming you and your child as the reason why he had sex with another women, used family money?

Where do you think the relationship can go after discovering this?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 13-May-13 15:06:22

Your husband is telling you a very strange tale. An overnight with a prostitute for £250 is unlikely (though possible) and her spending weeks emailing back and forth, devastated that he's married? Just not going to happen.

You need to ltb, obviously.

quietlysuggests Mon 13-May-13 15:07:39

Oh my goodness, I think you made the decision to forgive him very quickly.
There isn't much sign from your post that he is actually sorry.
He did this at a time in your life when you were planning a wedding and celebrating a new baby. Thats supposed to be the happiest time of your life. And he cheated then?
What is he going to be like in 10 years when one of you gets sick, you have money worries, you aren't getting on, your child gets sick etc
If he cannot stay faithful during the best years of your life then he wont stay faithful during the worst ones.
I am so sorry but I wouldn't accept that my husband thinks he has the right to cheat.
And as for recreating your wedding night?
Ha ha ha ha.
Cant believe you bought that one he must be laughing at you.

quietlysuggests Mon 13-May-13 15:09:24

Plus you caught him before, so it isn't even as if this is the first time he pulled this treick.
I never heard of a prostitute being devastated that a client is married.
Does your husband think that sex with prostitutes isn't cheating?
Is that why he made up all these lies?

mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 15:09:39

I did say, we're over & he begged me for another chance, promising he can change, but I can't stop the images she described to me from constantly being in my mind.
The scary thing is, she's the spitting image of me, but with no tits at all!!

NotConnie Mon 13-May-13 15:09:49

I'm with oldlady. Defiinitely not ringing true, more to this.

iloveweetos Mon 13-May-13 15:12:28

Don't get a male escort to get even. Show that you're better than that, if not for yourself, for your DD. Its tough and you need to what is right for you. You've tried after the first time, can you mentally do this again? What if this happens when DD is older, and she realises?

Think of yourself and DD, and your happiness. Forget him and the escort. Stop contact with her, and if need be, give yourself some space from him. Cheaters have a great way of making themselves seem the victim. Having a child is hard, but NOT an excuse to cheat.

Give yourself time.

givemeaclue Mon 13-May-13 15:13:43

Load of rubbish. Escorts are not devastated to find out their customers are married! And I don't believe they take calls from their clients wives.

iloveweetos Mon 13-May-13 15:14:14

If he cannot stay faithful during the best years of your life then he wont stay faithful during the worst ones.

could agree more quietly

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-May-13 15:15:05

"What can I possibly do? Xx"

First thing.... stop. You're exhibiting something of a panic reaction at the moment driven by the fear of losing this man. You're having sex with him, running round after him and seem pathetically grateful that he's 'doing more for his DD'. You're trying far too hard to find this 'way back to happy' by being the perfect wife and I think it's a shock reaction rather than anything you've thought about. He's done it before, he's been pretty careless about covering his tracks this time around... how often in the intervening 6 years has it happened? You're believing all kinds of rubbish (Hookers are never 'devastated' to discover their client is married)

So .... stop.

Then ask him to leave so that you can properly gather your thoughts, assess the situation and work out how you really feel about this. You need some space and time to yourself.

badinage Mon 13-May-13 15:16:07

She wasn't a prostitute.

He is a liar.

And you my love, are setting yourself up for a lifetime of unbridled misery by staying with this absolute tosser.

I promise you this. You could turn cartwheels in stockings and suspenders before serving up a three-course meal having earned £1000 a day at work and this bloke would still cheat on you.

He does it because he's selfish and because he can, no other reason.

And he'll do it even more now that he knows that every time he does, he'll get rewarded for it by his stepford wife who believes that if she's a better wife, he'll stop doing it.

LadyInDisguise Mon 13-May-13 15:16:39

Err if he wanted to 'relive his wedding night' surely he should have done that you??? I mean he got married with you, not the OW.

It sounds to me like you are doing everything for him, cooking cleaning, looking after your dd, having sex. But what about you? What does he do for you as a partner, as a wife, as a woman, as the mother of his child?
And what does he do for the family, for his dd?

Happy to see he is making an effort but I can't help but wondering how long it will last. There is so little about how he has apologized (because he has, hasn't he?), how he is planning to save his marriage, how he is going to win your trust again.
A lot about what you doing for him and how bad you are to feel 'slightly jealous' of this OW....

You need to remember that he * choose* to go and see this woman. He choose to be unfaithful. He choose to go and have sex with someone else instead of trying to work on your marriage.
None of it is your responsibility.

Pinkyorkbunny Mon 13-May-13 15:19:20

If he said it was a prostitute, I would get yourself checked for any STDs (just to be on the safe side). Sorry you are going through this. flowers

What the others have stated to you. Do not dumb yourself down further than you already have of yourself particularly by hiring a male escort.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Its not you, its him. He is totally inadequate as a person and he has lied to you repeatedly. There is nothing worth saving here or staying for.

You and your DD would be better off on your own without this man dragging you, and by turn your DD, down. You'd be better off apart.

mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 15:26:40

My dd loves him to bits & I didn't want her to grow up in a broken home. All I've ever wanted in life is a family & a little home to keep nice & I do all of that & then this happens.

He's said sorry once & is making big changes, but it's always eating me up.
I wouldn't want to go with an escort, I just want the thoughts & images in my head to go away & a happy normal family life.

badinage Mon 13-May-13 15:27:54

I just bet that you found him messaging prostitutes while you were pregnant, he gave you some old pony about not following through with it and you said at some point that you could forgive him having sex with a prostitute more than if he'd had an affair and an emotional connection with someone else. Lord alone knows why some women make these trade-offs because paying for sex is far worse than liking a woman for her humanity and not just her sexual organs, but there you have it...

So this gave him the perfect breeding ground for the current lie. He'd already conditioned you into thinking that prostitutes wasn't that big a deal.

The truth is more likely to be that this wankstain has been paying for sex and having an affair.

You're as much at risk of STIs from the affair as you are from the prostitutes, although it's a bit of an urban myth that they all fully protect their sexual health.

mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 15:28:39

I even made him ring his father ( very old fashioned & proper) and tell him of his deed & his fathers advice was to ' remember its in the male make- up and chemistry to do this sort of thing'
I'm always broke & get no money help, but somehow scrape by. I put everyone before myself

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-May-13 15:29:26

Your DD is in a broken home already, sorry. It's broken because you're eaten up, the images are not going to go away and your family is neither normal nor happy. You're upset now & you'll hate him eventually.... not just for what he's done and the lies but because he's made you hate yourself.

badinage Mon 13-May-13 15:29:33

Your DD is 6 months old and loves anyone who gives her a cuddle and looks after her needs.

Her home is already 'broken' by her loser father.

iloveweetos Mon 13-May-13 15:30:31

Families come in all different shapes and sizes..and its not a broken home. Being happy is better for your child, that DD seeing youre sticking with a man who cheats and you taking him back each time. Doesnt she deserve more? Its hard, but you both deserve more than he's giving, when he feels he needs to make it up.

badinage Mon 13-May-13 15:30:55

Apple didn't fall far from the tree then did it?

You don't really believe you can't do any better for you and your daughter do you? shock

Lemonylemon Mon 13-May-13 15:31:47

My dd loves him to bits & I didn't want her to grow up in a broken home.

There is no shame in coming from a "broken" home. You're already in a broken marriage. What would you say if your DD was in the position you are? Your "D"H is a liar. There's no way that the OW was an escort. She was his girlfriend, I'll bet.

And why are you running round after him like some Stepford Wife?

And as for him "reliving his wedding night". Yuk. Just yuk.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-May-13 15:32:22

" I put everyone before myself"

Time to put yourself first because no-one else will. This is your life and no-one is going to look after your best interests other than you. His Dad is already giving him permission to shag around and, if you don't kick him out, you're essentially giving him the same message. 'I don't matter'.

There's no good next step from here. Whether he stays or goes your life will never be the same. But if he goes at least you can hold your head up and know that you retained your self-respect.

Hullygully Mon 13-May-13 15:32:47

You sound really like the playdate nightmare woman. Are you related?

Sunnywithshowers Mon 13-May-13 15:34:01

OP did you post about his behaviour before your wedding? It sounds familiar.

He is an utter, utter shit and you and your DC deserve much better.

LadyInDisguise Mon 13-May-13 15:37:15

Your dd is only 6 months old. Of course she loves her father but do you want her to grow up thinking it's normal for a husband to cheat?

He has broken his vows and his family.
Your dd is alresady growing in a 'broken home', a home broken by her father not you.

To save such a marriage, he would need to really do a hell of a lot of regain your trust (Because that's completely normal you can't stop thinking about it! A very natural reaction) and for you to stop thinking about it.

Now I would like to know. What is he doing to regain your trust? What is he doing to prove his really sorry and it was wrong to go and see an OW? What sort of 'big changes' is he doing?

Fwiw, I wouldn't have been able to have sex with a man who had just told me he was cheating on me tbh. Actually I would have expected him to propose a time wo sex until things have calmed down and he had proven he really wanted to make things better.

AnAirOfHope Mon 13-May-13 15:37:32

Ask him to leave

Get a dr appointment and get checked for STIs

Make an appointment with a lawyer for a devioce on grounds of cheating (you only have 6 months for this or you can no longer use that and have to wait two years or list 5 unreasonable acts by him)

Tell your family and friends what he did and ask for support thru this hard time.

mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 16:00:00

I'm not afraid of going it alone if he fails his last chance, nor am I in doubt that anybody else would love me, but I love this man, I really do & so does dd. I love the man

HotBurrito1 Mon 13-May-13 16:01:29

If he doesn't do this again it will be truly astonishing.

All the best OP.

50shadesofvomit Mon 13-May-13 16:11:10

Sounds like you are going through "hysterical bonding" rather than love.

You've been given great advice but it boils down to this- he doesn't love you as much as you think you love him. It's possible to be a great Dad but shit husband and its better if your dd doesn't see the shit husband bit.

BarredfromhavingStella Mon 13-May-13 16:14:52

Why are you tolerating this shit from him? You have a daughter-are you happy to bring her up thinking that the behaviour he demonstrates to you is acceptable in any way??? hmm

Oh & no, she definitely is not a prostitute

Xales Mon 13-May-13 16:19:07

So what is the truth OP?

He paid £50 for an hour or £250 for a whole night?

A prostitute thought he was amazing and wanted to do it again hmm An OW may want that. A prostitute just wants the money.

A prostitute wouldn't give a shit he was married and talk to you or cry.

He has done it before. No consequences then just like now so he will do it again.

He spent how much while you are skint and putting everyone first.

If you are determined to stay with this man you are going to have to accept he will sleep around. He may use prostitutes.

Please use condoms and get regular STI checks.

Also please consider he may catch something through oral sex and you and your DD will be at risk as he continues.

badinage Mon 13-May-13 16:22:04

I bet you said that it was his 'last chance' when he was messaging prostitutes while you were pregnant.

He knows his 'last chances' are infinite but even so, he'll get a bit better at hiding his tracks and stashing money away for his extra-marital sex habit. You'll be poor as well as cheated on.

If you posted this thread for advice on how to brainwash yourself into trusting this bloke, you came to the wrong place. The only people you'll get any advice from of that kind will be doormats who are putting up with the same or the usual tossers who invade any prostitute thread. I expect they'll be along tonight at some unearthly hour which is when they usually strike, so expect a few men can't help their urges type posts, or a few pats on the head for being a good girl and realising the error of your ways by even dreaming to think that women are human beings worthy of respect.

mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 16:50:00

Not posted before

mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 16:54:15

He found her on a site called ' local shags' I've seen her profile :-(

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-May-13 16:54:16

You may love the man but he doesn't love you enough to keep his cock and his credit card in his pants... hmm This is only the last chance until the next one, isn't it?

TeaOneSugar Mon 13-May-13 16:58:28

I wouldn't let my daughter see me putting up with that sort of behaviour. Don't kid yourself that this is a one off or that she won't notice.

BeCool Mon 13-May-13 17:00:50

The reason you are finding it hard to trust him is he is COMPLETELY untrustworthy.

You run his baths, dress him and do everything in the home for him - well he has it made doesn't he? He's happy to have a skivvy at home, who will repeatedly fall for his lies and give him "2nd" chances while he spends family cash fucking prostitutes, or renting fancy hotels to spend time with OW.

He's not changing - are you mummy2lola?
You need to start putting yourself and child first. LTB - he will never change.

BTW the bit about the prostitute being devastated is bizarre. I too think it's an OW he is meeting with rather than a prostitute.

Windingdown Mon 13-May-13 17:04:43

Local shags? Oh that's just lovely.

He will not change. Unless he decides to.
And why should he?? YOU are bending over backwards to do everything for him. His life is just fine and dandy (apart from having been found out).

And yes, I agree with what others has said: from what you are saying your 'home' is already 'broken' (hate the phrase btw).

Take some time to recover from the shock and consider what you want the rest of your life and your daughter's life to be like.

mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 17:29:00

You're right cogito. This is the very last chance & there will be no more, that's it. No more lies & big changes will have to happen. My condition of this new chance is marraige counselling.... He needs it and I need it .

mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 17:30:29

He's in the armed forces...

mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 17:33:42

I know it's broken. I want so desperately to seek professional help so we can fix it.
The ow was found on an Internet escort site for our local area- I'm just confused as to why he needed to call her for hours on end etc.. Making promises to be together- she fell for his lies & was going to stop the £250 payment he'd made with view of a future together.

crunchbag Mon 13-May-13 17:40:38

He's been treated good at home from the moment we met. I run his baths, set his clothes out, support him in his hobbies, work etc. I cook, clean...he doesn't have to lift a finger. I also have a good sex drive, so it can't be that I'm frigid

Stop doing all that or better show him the door.

brianbennettfan Mon 13-May-13 17:46:09

I am having a hell of a job typing due to the fact that the bullshit alarm is sounding so loudly that I have to cover my ears.

He thinks it's OK to spend £250 on a night with a tart because he wants to recreate his wedding night? hmm

Said tart is devastated to find that he is married and has a child hmm

And you are responding to this by waiting on him hand and foot and sleeping with him. hmm

Boy do we ever need a bullshit emoticon.

I am happy to present you with my first MN LTB. Please make use of it to remove this lying disgusting cheating knobhead from your life.

And while you're at it, ring your father-in-law and tell him to fuck straight off with his mysoginistic shite about 'this is what men do'.

Have some self respect for God's sake.

runningforme Mon 13-May-13 17:47:50

This man has no respect for you or your daughter, or your marriage. I think you need to leave now before you allow him to hurt you further - because he can and will.

If you can't do it for you, do it for your daughter who will grow up to allow men to do the same thing to her if you don't stand firm now and get rid.

So sorry.

Your child will grow up in a broken home whether you leave him or not. Your marriage IS broken. He did that. Not you. You will never be able to trust him because he is a liar and a cheat and he has done this before and will do so again because he can. He knows the only consequence is you ranting and crying for a few days, then he will get more sex, better care while you try to work even harder to keep him sweet. He is in this way rewarded, so of course he will do it again. Next time, you may even wipe his arse in an effort to sweeten him even more. Please dont be a mug. You cant change him, but you can change your life!

LemonPeculiarJones Mon 13-May-13 18:00:21

You can't fix this. It won't mend.

What a vile, stupid man your husband is.

He'll do it again. Of course he's swearing it'll never happen again. But it will. You know it will.

He's lied, fucked another woman, come out with all sorts of stuff blaming you and excusing himself.

Recreating the wedding night? So he has fouled that memory for you forever, now. Each time you think of it you'll also have 'Oh yeah, he fucked that other woman in order to relive it," Nice.

He's a waste of time, he can only bring more pain.

You can never trust him.

Mindyourownbusiness Mon 13-May-13 18:01:04

Fonejacker anyone ?

Just what l was thinking
<waves at Hully>

I'll get mi coat, go and see if mi samwidge is ready.

50shadesofvomit Mon 13-May-13 18:02:27

My h had an affair last year and it was impossible to think things through while he was living under the same roof. After I insist that he left, I spent a few weeks crying then started to process what had gone on and realised that I wanted him gone permanently.
I did not want to have to worry about what he was doing and with who he was with etc. Being paranoid and insecure is not what I deserve and Id be setting a terrible example for my kids. I am a good person who deserves a husband who will put me first the way that I would put my husband first. Being insecure and paranoid is not for me.

Affairs are about someone putting their selfish urges ahead of other people. My h (like yours) was not particularly apologetic when the affair was exposed and that was a deal breaker for me. You shouldn't be making all the changes and putting him first. If he is serious about repairing the relationship then he should be running around you and making changes.

Recreating your wedding night with a woman who looks like you is disgusting. Wedding night sex is all about having sex with the person you love. Thinking that you can recreate it with someone who looks like you suggests that he has warped ideas about love and sex. With £250 a normal man would have organised a babysitter for an uninterrupted night of passion with YOU because he wants to be with YOU.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Mon 13-May-13 18:10:21

You poor thing OP. He is already setting you up for a life where you constantly doubt yourself and think you're not good enough, and he does what and who he bloody likes.

Do you want your DD to follow this blueprint for her future relationships? Because she will if this what she sees and knows. Teach her that when someone doesn't value you, you can walk away, head held high.

And teach her this by example.

henrysmama2012 Mon 13-May-13 18:11:42

You sound so lovely. He has lied to you, cheated on you, and made you feel bad about yourself, and hasn't helped when you were overwhelmed with looking after your little one.

This might sound simplistic but he isn't the right man for you. You deserve to be treated in a special, loving and caring way - you've been nothing but good to him - and you are the mother of his child - and he has devalued you.

I personally would say that you will be happier in the long term if you left him as you would then meet a man who truly loves and values you and your daughter.

By the way why did you say you weren't posting for sympathy? You deserve sympathy and support.

"he fell for his lies & was going to stop the £250 payment he'd made with view of a future together" Utter bullocks. If they were planning a future together, there would be no need for her to refund anything!

VivaLeBeaver Mon 13-May-13 18:22:58

Do you want your dd to grow up thinking its normal for a woman to be treated like shit by her husband, to be cheated on and made to act like a skivvy?

Do you want her to have a similar sort of relationship when she's older? Because she probably will if you stay with him.

2anddone Mon 13-May-13 18:27:13

Get out now while your dd is too young to realise. My husband cheated on me before we were married, I found out 2 months after the wedding ds was 10 months old. I gave him another chance but he did it again when ds was 5 and dd was 2. I gave him another chance as I didn't want my babies being from a broken home. I never got over what he did to us. Ds is now 7 and dd 4 and he has just walked out. They are going through hell if I could turn back time I would have done it when they were younger, plucked up the bottle to tell him to leave. As they would have been young enough to get over it quicker. For your dd ltb now and let her know a new normal, she will never remember living with him and will therefore not be anywhere near as affected as if she was older.
Sorry you are going through this x

Piemother Mon 13-May-13 18:27:39

Hamwidge?

Viviennemary Mon 13-May-13 18:29:31

The whole thing sounds horrible. Nobody could put up with this. And you shouldn't.

Branleuse Mon 13-May-13 18:30:36

he did it when you were pregnant too? ?

fool me once, shame on you.
fool me twice, shame on me.

MrsSpagBol Mon 13-May-13 18:31:29

He is completely lying to you. Escorts don't give a flying f**k whether or not their clients are married.

And he told you he spent £50, then it jumped to £250? Even in the face of being blatantly caught out he was still lying to your face.

The recreating your wedding night bit is beyond gross.

Please, please, please take some time to think this all through. Living with someone who disrespects you like this is surely worse than being just you and your daughter.

winecentral Mon 13-May-13 18:36:00

My ex husband cheated on me 6 weeks after we got married, with a woman known in the village as ' pat butcher'. He was also forces.

I chose to believe his lies, he too called her in front of me and they both denied it, i still remember him having ago at me, so she could hear on the phone, about how out of order i was. he then said i was nuts. years later, when i was pg, he admitted it had been true.

Every tour, every course, he had cheated, there had been lots and lots of them, all with a long ' plausable' story backing it up.

I know its scary, especially as you are forces, as it means a total lifestyle change and you will lose your house. I had help from lots of agencies and its fine now, my only regret is that i didnt leave sooner.

your child will be fine, if anything being in civvie street is less stressful than the constant moving that comes with the forces lifestyle. Also being able to make and keep friends, being close to family etc.

If you want to pm and speak to somone who has been where you are, or you want some practical advice, do let me know.

But please, please rememember, this is HIM not you or anything you have done.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Mon 13-May-13 18:36:27

Mindyourownbusiness- I think you're on the wrong thread.

OP- your FIL is a twat. I know loads of men who wouldn't dream of cheating and they are just as male as your husband. Saying it's what men do is spineless and cruel.

Please don't stay with this man. He's not only cheated on you behind your back, but he's lied endlessly, is unsupportive, and has made you think it's your fault.

Please get out or accept a life of utter misery and watch your self esteem being destroyed. And then watch your daughter follow suit.

Madlizzy Mon 13-May-13 18:37:19

I just want to say that you are worth so much more than this man. There are men out there who will love you, stay faithful, do their bit around the house and with kids and they are not as rare as you think. This man will just grind you down until you have no self esteem or confidence whilst he shags anything and everything in his path as he knows that he can get away with a quick sorry. Do yourself a massive favour and get out whilst your littlie is still little.

Coconutty Mon 13-May-13 18:41:54

What a cunt, you deserve better.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards Mon 13-May-13 18:45:18

She is not an escort. He is lying.

WritermumK Mon 13-May-13 18:46:25

Could you ever trust him?

I'm worried that if you stay with him you'll lose years of your life to find he's done something similar. He doesn't seem to realise that treating you in this way is wrong, trying to reverse the blame makes you wonder if he has any remorse at all.

gettingeasiernow Mon 13-May-13 18:50:30

you say you want advice not sympathy, but I am anyway sympathetic that you have had a horrible shock at a time in your life when you expected things to be happy, and you are feeling vulnerable because your baby is so young.
However... what I read in between the lines from your mail is that you can't leave a man who has already left you, maybe because you are terrified to be alone or because you don't have a better example in your mind of how a relationship should not be than this, or because you just can't let go yet of the dream of a great marriage that you thought you had. But whatever the reason in your mind is, the truth is that this man will cheat again and again and lead you an utterly miserable life, and the sooner you get your head around leaving, the better. There is no fixing it. The best you can do in this situation is salvage your dignity and kick him out. Please use all your energy and effort getting to that place rather than skivvying around after this useless and horrible man. I am so sorry, it is awful, I know.

Lweji Mon 13-May-13 20:27:55

TBH, and given that this was the 2nd time, that he lied and is blaming you, I'd tell him to move out.

Your DD is 6 months old, the impact on her now is probably less than when she is older and you catch him cheating again.

Because if you give in now, the 2nd time, he'll think he has a licence to cheat.

You may well be pregnant or with a young baby next time.
He may even give you an STI when you are next pregnant.
It could be with a friend of yours.

Sunnywithshowers Mon 13-May-13 20:43:13

OP, my advice is to leave the bastard. He doesn't deserve you.

missalien Mon 13-May-13 20:58:33

Don't beieve a word sorry!

Think I'm not allowed to say that though...

badinage Mon 13-May-13 22:29:36

Oh I believe this alright.

I've seen this play out the same way so many times on here and that's not been v long.

Older posters would probably be rich indeed if they had a pound for every thread they've read about a bloke who's done porn/used prostitutes/been on dating sites who when busted, said he'd never do it again. Then got forgiven and his lies believed, only for worse to follow.

CoffeePleaseSir Mon 13-May-13 22:39:38

What a load of bollocks LTB

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 06:49:54

"You're right cogito. This is the very last chance & there will be no more, that's it"

You know and I know that you don't mean that. Sorry. You're going to keep giving this guy last chances. If this isn't bad enough to get shot, nothing is.

Loulybelle Tue 14-May-13 07:33:38

OP, Be prepared to post again, because he aint never gonna change.

So not an escort, shes the OW, what escort is upset over finding out a client is married, girl please, how much bullshit are you willing to take.

He used family money to get his leg over.

He didnt learn from the last time.

Recreating your wedding night, well he married you didnt he, so arent you a vital role in that night.

Being alone with DD, is a whole lot better, and having you dignity stripped away by "Mr Cheating diseased dick 2013"

Do you wanna accept a life of being a wronged wife, worried about what kind of diseases your husband is picking up.

glastocat Tue 14-May-13 07:42:10

What everyone else says. He is lying to you. She was not an escort. He will do it again for sure, why wouldn't he? And if you give him another chance, well you would be an utter mug he has had enough chances already. You and your child deserve better than this fuckwit.

catsmother Tue 14-May-13 07:47:50

2 weeks before he cheated, he apparently loved you enough to promise to forsake all others, spend the rest of his life with you etc etc.

So what the hell happened in those 2 weeks which would have "driven" him to cheat ? Did you cheat on him first ? Did you call him revolting names ? hit him ? Spend thousands of family money on rubbish without discussing it ? Were you vile to his family or friends ? Did you do anything momentous which would have changed the way he supposedly felt about you just a fortnight earlier ? ...... thought not.

The recreation of your wedding night is a ridiculous and astonishing justification - not that there's ever any excuse for cheating. But that - that's jaw droppingly insulting - cruel even. Did he actually think you'd feel okay about what he did when he offered up such a shite reason ?

OP - yes he's your husband - but he's not the man you thought/hoped he was - or the man you'd like him to be. In fact you already had plenty of forewarning about how little respect he had for you - though I do appreciate that once he agreed to get married you must have hoped he'd turned over a new leaf and was prepared to settle down and be faithful. He's vile IMO - and he's taking you for an utter idiot. No-one goes from the joy of their wedding day to feeling "compelled" to cheat within 2 weeks unless something catastrophic had happened in the meantime - and even then most couples in their honeymoon period would try to work things out, not "comfort" themselves with a quick shag. Not that I agree with cheating anyway but there's a significant difference I think between this - which is utter selfishness - and someone worn down by years of unhappy marriage whose eye eventually wanders, still not right but perhaps more understandable. This - this is him doing what he wants regardless of you - and then, remember, heaping insult on injury by lying about it and coming out with that particularly nasty excuse.

No-one deserves to be treated like that. But while you continue to act like a doormat he's going to keep wiping his feet all over you.

Loulybelle Tue 14-May-13 08:02:55

Catsmother, has it bang on, he effectively lied on your wedding, he has no intention to stopping because he gets away with.

Get some self respect OP, because certainly does not have any for you.

Heres what hes failed at it in the 4 weeks you've been married:

Respect for you, FAILED
Respect for your marriage, FAILED
Faithfulness, FAILED
Respecting the memories of your wedding, FAILED
Making a happy home for DD, FAILED
Making sure you have family money, FAILED
Being Honest, FAILED
Being a caring and reliable husband, FAILED

Loulybelle Tue 14-May-13 08:04:51

Oh and if someone cant get those things right in 4 weeks, then they probably wont care if they ever do.

whattodoo Tue 14-May-13 08:10:13

He has treated you like shit. His father has endorsed his behaviour.
He will not change. Why should he?
Get out now before he grinds you down further.
You can make a very good future for yourself and your DD. You owe it yo yourself and to her.

OP, either he's lied to you telling you the OW was a prostitute, or he's lied to a prostitute and convinced her he wants a long term relationship with her, only 4 weeks after marrying YOU! shock

Either way, the ridiculous stories he's told you means he thinks you (and all other women) are thick and will believe anything. He will do this again and again because he thinks you are too stupid to catch him out, and if you find out he can just make up more lies and you will believe him, AGAIN. And unfortunately, too many men in the forces use prostitutes and don't REALLY believe they are doing anything wrong.

Do you really want to be married to a man who thinks you are an idiot and doesn't even have enough respect for you and your DD to keep his dick in his pants for a month after your wedding? The one where he SWORE he could be faithful to you in front of all your family and friends? Do you think a man who thinks it's normal to have sex with prostitutes is a good person to bring up your daughter?

Madlizzy Tue 14-May-13 10:07:59

The STI possibility is a biggie here. He could become HIV positive and pass it on to you, he could give you herpes (with you for life), genital warts (which have the virus that can cause cervical cancer), syphillis, chlamydia (loss of fertility); the list is long, and all because he thinks he can do what he likes. Think on that. x

OhLori Tue 14-May-13 10:13:39

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 14-May-13 11:10:15

I don't think it's nice to call troll when this could well be a woman at the end of her tether.

OhLori Tue 14-May-13 13:59:51

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

I'm always broke & get no money help, but somehow scrape by. I put everyone before myself

Why is it you don't get any money help.

Seriously, this guy is abusing you massively!! In all sorts of ways.

Call Womens Aid and get yourself the hell out of there!

I agree up post that this sounds a bit weird - so much doesn't add up.

I can't believe anyone would believe the load of crap this guys is spouting.

And only twice!!! Yeah right - only the twice you've found out about.

Run away right now and don't look back!

Crinkle77 Tue 14-May-13 14:57:08

Sorry but he is a complete and utter twat. He was trying to relive your wedding night with someone else? Why didn't he try and relive it with you? And to turn it round to blame you cos you wouldn't put out on your wedding night is ridiculous. You have spent your whole relationship trying to do everything to please him and this is how he repays you. I think he sees you as a push over. He knows you are devoted to him and won't leave him so thinks he can get away with behaving in this appalling manner. You and your daughter deserve to be treated better than this. Show him the door.

knitknack Tue 14-May-13 17:19:14

Urgh, I'd LTB for using the phrase 'didn't put out' tbh. Revolting.

Are you not allowed feelings?

mummy2lola Tue 14-May-13 18:38:26

I wish to god this was all made up and not real, but sadly it's invading every moment of everyday. I'm an optimist, and want to give the counselling a go, even ifhe needs it long term.

OP, it's unusual in military circles to be with somebody for so many years before getting married, I'm guessing you have spent a huge amount of time apart? Please look back over your relationship and ask yourself how well you know your husband because there is every chance he has done this many times before. Unfortunately, it is very common sad

I second getting STI tested too, DH is a medical professional in the forces, he spends most of his day swabbing penis's with the odd vagina thrown in too.

OnTheNingNangNong Tue 14-May-13 20:05:43

Are you going to get checked for STI's?

The counselling won't help one jot. You've let him get away with it, he treats you like dirt and you keep coming back. He thinks he has it all sussed.

For the sake of your daughter and yourself, LTB. He will grind you down until there's nothing left.

He is vile.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 14-May-13 21:08:55

The only reason you should be going to counselling is in order to help you leave.

It should not be to help you stay in this abusive marriage!

badinage Wed 15-May-13 00:06:39

I don't think it's 'sad' that this is invading 'every moment of every day' OP. I think these are your instincts trying to overpower your denial and by christ, those instincts are right.

I think you are trying to get yourself to believe the unbelievable and trust the untrustworthy. Your heart says yes but your gut and your logical brain says no.

Not even very deep down you must know he's told you a pack of lies and that this is on top of the earlier lies he told you when you were pregnant. A layer below that I expect you know intuitively that these are just two occasions you've managed to discover his antics, but that there will have been others that escaped you.

You can change your mind about forgiving him. No-one's going to court martial you for making a different decision now that the shock is wearing off and the urge to forgive must have been especially appealing just a fortnight after your wedding. Everyone will get that and understand.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 15-May-13 00:24:00

Advice: understand that your happily ever after dream that you described of house/ kids/ dh just is not going to happen with this man. Close, but there are deal breaker faults here that goes way beyond overlooking a few blemishes/warts, or "well, it just isn't a perfect world is it?" Some things we settle for, some things we don't: this is definitely a don't.

Advice: understand that he is treating you as though you were psychologically/mentally twelve years old. He thinks you are stupid....and your tolerance for, as well as the whole dynamic surrounding his cheating pretty much validates his opinion (to him). Calling his dad about his cheating ...I mean I'm embarrassed for you. Stop being a push-over so agreeable to every lie, excuse, script, story he tells you.

Advice: whatever guide you are presently following for dealing with a cheating husband, you should burn.

Advice: but you love him, really really love him. I know it hurts, but he just doesn't feel the same way about you. Please think with your head now and not your heart ( or vajajay if the sex is outstanding) because the very real threat of the STIs is very real and very serious and could very likely fuck up your life forever. (And then you might think you should have taken the advice of all those strangers all over the planet who said to leave the relationship...But it will be too late then, with your physical health permanently damaged.) Just saying, please don't ignore this aspect.

Advice: you have your dd, the best of him, you will not be lonely. Don't discount that. Of all the posts you have received so far, I think the most important ones are from the ladies speaking from experience about leaving the relationship while the children are very young (or wishing they had). This is an example of the true and tremendous value of MN.

Sorry if this advice sounds harsh, I am outraged on your behalf. Is it too late for an annulment?
Are you afraid of him?

morethanpotatoprints Wed 15-May-13 00:47:01

Hello OP

I'm so sorry you are going through this it is awful for you.

First of all, you will never be happy with this man.
I agree with so many comments from posts above.

Reliving your wedding night. Laughable. This would entail you being there, not another woman.

Prostitutes don't behave like that, they take the money. Unless she was play acting with the emails and your dh was paying for this.
Coming from a broken home is far better than seeing your mum repeatedly treated like this.
You run baths for him, put his clothes out. You are mothering a grown man.
He has not taken to being a daddy until recently, this would seriously worry me.
You are putting up with this from a man who sees you as gullible, a push over, and happy to put up with his infidelity.

OP this man will bring you heartbreak and could ruin the life of your dc if you stay together. They pick up on things no matter how much you try to shelter them. Please do yourself a favour and leave this parasite. You owe it to yourself, dc and your future happiness.
You can do it, and you will cope.

AnAirOfHope Wed 15-May-13 10:44:53

He thinks of you as his mum and you love him and take care of him but he has sex with other woman he fancies and will do so for as long as you stay to be treatef as such.

It will not get better he will hide it better.

Never have sex with out a condom with him including blowjobs as its only a matter of time before he gets a STD.

You are the mother and will never be the sex object these other ladies are. This is what your children will learn is the norm just like your dh has.

Mumsyblouse Wed 15-May-13 12:22:40

I find the idea of my beloved husband using a prostitute worse than having a relationship with someone else- the fact that he thinks it is better just says what type of man he is. Paying for sex is a complete dealbreaker for me and it should be for you too, OP, especially as he's clearly a repeat offender.

Buzzardbird Wed 15-May-13 13:57:15

Have looked up 'local slags' also known as 'local shags', it is not an escort site, it is a site for meeting up with local single girls who are up for it.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 15-May-13 13:59:40

"You are the mother and will never be the sex object these other ladies are." from AnAirofHope

This, imho, is the foundation of the circumstances.

I have my fingers crossed for you, OP, that you don't already have an STD.

Buzzardbird Wed 15-May-13 14:01:33

It is sold as a 'dating site' but I think the name of the site gives you some clue as to what sort of misogynist would use it hmm

mummy2lola Sat 18-May-13 14:32:04

What do you mean ? He'll never find me sexy? :-(

mummy2lola Sat 18-May-13 14:32:24

Std checked & we're both clear

Lweji Sat 18-May-13 15:18:37

Just to point out that HIV can show up up to 6 months later. Keep safe!

And it's not an issue of finding you sexy or not.
He's just a cheater.

simplesusan Sat 18-May-13 20:06:51

Lots of very good adviceon here.

I totally agree that you are "the nice wifey at home."

Yet he longs for dirty sex with either a stranger or a prostitute.

The more you keep on cleaning, laying out his clothes (is he 7 years old?) etc the more he will view you as the nice wife and the appeal of another woman will intensify.

He has been brought up this way by the sounds of it, it's in his genes after all.

The fact that he is in the forces does not bode well. So much opportunity to put his cock into anything he likes.

You will spend a lifetime worrying and of course he will lie, he won't want to lose his meal ticket will he?

I really don't see a happy ending here.

There is a glimmer of hope on the horizon but that is only if you ltb and I would never say that lightly.

Good luck with your decision.

ChippingInIsMissingHerLatte Sat 18-May-13 20:12:30

Why give him another chance?

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