Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Husband of 2 weeks has cheats :-( devastated(106 Posts)
I'm writing, not for sympathy, but advice on how to deal with a situation .
Me and my husband have been together 7 years and got married 4 weeks ago now, and we have a little daughter of 6 months, a happy home, and a importable life.
2 weeks ago I go onto our family computer, and find within his e-mails messages from a woman stating "last nig was amazing, I can't wait until next time" as we'll as similar replies from my husband. I was go smacked and confronted him staright away, not in a shouting way, but I was surprised at how calm I talked about it.
He told me he did it because we've not been the same since having a child, and we've been pushing each other away. He told me he paid this woman (an escort he seeked out online) £50 and mt her at a cheap hotel for an hour, and that was it.
I emailed this woman, and spoke with her on the whole with my husband present and demanded to know everything.
She told me he booked a posh hotel with afour poster bed & paid £250 for the night with her & she wanted more..
He had told her he wasn't married, had no kids, lied about his occupation & said he had so much money he didn't now what to do with it ll.
2 weeks prior to this, he'd been on a course with work & our daughter was ill then, & he was short with me on the phone the whole time when I was crying I opulent cope alone, and now know those 2 weeks he was calling her for hours on end, it makes me so so sad.
The upshot is, that I've oven him one last chance ( he's done this sort of thing before when I was pregnant, but didn't carry it through- I found the messages prior to anything happening) but what I'm finding so difficult is trusting him, stopping thinking about it etc.
Or sex life has improved since, and we've been making more efforts etc. he's doing morefornour daughter ( he hadn't seemed fussed previously & I was buying her everything etc.)
He's been treated good at home from the moment we met. I run his baths, set his clothes out, support him in his hobbies, work etc. I cook, clean...he doesn't have to lift a finger. I also have a good sex drive, so it can't be that I'm frigid.
I almost feel jealous of the night he gave her. He said he was trying to relive our wedding night, as we had a room with a 4 poster bed, but I fell asleep on the wedding night because I'd been up so so early etc, so I didn't put out.
Please help me think of a way back to happy. I'm even considering booking a male escort myself, just to get even, and then we can start a fresh from there. E're supposed to be moving house this week for a fresh start, but it feels horrible with this hanging over me, the worry, the doubts, and e sad hurt feeling ebbing away within.
What can I possibly do? Xx
The woman was devastated too, as she had no idea. Just thought I'd add that
Sorry you are in this situation. I couldn't forgive if I were you. It's no wonder you don't trust him.
So he is blaming you and your child as the reason why he had sex with another women, used family money?
Where do you think the relationship can go after discovering this?
Your husband is telling you a very strange tale. An overnight with a prostitute for £250 is unlikely (though possible) and her spending weeks emailing back and forth, devastated that he's married? Just not going to happen.
You need to ltb, obviously.
Oh my goodness, I think you made the decision to forgive him very quickly.
There isn't much sign from your post that he is actually sorry.
He did this at a time in your life when you were planning a wedding and celebrating a new baby. Thats supposed to be the happiest time of your life. And he cheated then?
What is he going to be like in 10 years when one of you gets sick, you have money worries, you aren't getting on, your child gets sick etc
If he cannot stay faithful during the best years of your life then he wont stay faithful during the worst ones.
I am so sorry but I wouldn't accept that my husband thinks he has the right to cheat.
And as for recreating your wedding night?
Ha ha ha ha.
Cant believe you bought that one he must be laughing at you.
Plus you caught him before, so it isn't even as if this is the first time he pulled this treick.
I never heard of a prostitute being devastated that a client is married.
Does your husband think that sex with prostitutes isn't cheating?
Is that why he made up all these lies?
I did say, we're over & he begged me for another chance, promising he can change, but I can't stop the images she described to me from constantly being in my mind.
The scary thing is, she's the spitting image of me, but with no tits at all!!
I'm with oldlady. Defiinitely not ringing true, more to this.
Don't get a male escort to get even. Show that you're better than that, if not for yourself, for your DD. Its tough and you need to what is right for you. You've tried after the first time, can you mentally do this again? What if this happens when DD is older, and she realises?
Think of yourself and DD, and your happiness. Forget him and the escort. Stop contact with her, and if need be, give yourself some space from him. Cheaters have a great way of making themselves seem the victim. Having a child is hard, but NOT an excuse to cheat.
Give yourself time.
Load of rubbish. Escorts are not devastated to find out their customers are married! And I don't believe they take calls from their clients wives.
If he cannot stay faithful during the best years of your life then he wont stay faithful during the worst ones.
could agree more quietly
"What can I possibly do? Xx"
First thing.... stop. You're exhibiting something of a panic reaction at the moment driven by the fear of losing this man. You're having sex with him, running round after him and seem pathetically grateful that he's 'doing more for his DD'. You're trying far too hard to find this 'way back to happy' by being the perfect wife and I think it's a shock reaction rather than anything you've thought about. He's done it before, he's been pretty careless about covering his tracks this time around... how often in the intervening 6 years has it happened? You're believing all kinds of rubbish (Hookers are never 'devastated' to discover their client is married)
So .... stop.
Then ask him to leave so that you can properly gather your thoughts, assess the situation and work out how you really feel about this. You need some space and time to yourself.
She wasn't a prostitute.
He is a liar.
And you my love, are setting yourself up for a lifetime of unbridled misery by staying with this absolute tosser.
I promise you this. You could turn cartwheels in stockings and suspenders before serving up a three-course meal having earned £1000 a day at work and this bloke would still cheat on you.
He does it because he's selfish and because he can, no other reason.
And he'll do it even more now that he knows that every time he does, he'll get rewarded for it by his stepford wife who believes that if she's a better wife, he'll stop doing it.
Err if he wanted to 'relive his wedding night' surely he should have done that you??? I mean he got married with you, not the OW.
It sounds to me like you are doing everything for him, cooking cleaning, looking after your dd, having sex. But what about you? What does he do for you as a partner, as a wife, as a woman, as the mother of his child?
And what does he do for the family, for his dd?
Happy to see he is making an effort but I can't help but wondering how long it will last. There is so little about how he has apologized (because he has, hasn't he?), how he is planning to save his marriage, how he is going to win your trust again.
A lot about what you doing for him and how bad you are to feel 'slightly jealous' of this OW....
You need to remember that he * choose* to go and see this woman. He choose to be unfaithful. He choose to go and have sex with someone else instead of trying to work on your marriage.
None of it is your responsibility.
If he said it was a prostitute, I would get yourself checked for any STDs (just to be on the safe side). Sorry you are going through this.
What the others have stated to you. Do not dumb yourself down further than you already have of yourself particularly by hiring a male escort.
What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.
Its not you, its him. He is totally inadequate as a person and he has lied to you repeatedly. There is nothing worth saving here or staying for.
You and your DD would be better off on your own without this man dragging you, and by turn your DD, down. You'd be better off apart.
My dd loves him to bits & I didn't want her to grow up in a broken home. All I've ever wanted in life is a family & a little home to keep nice & I do all of that & then this happens.
He's said sorry once & is making big changes, but it's always eating me up.
I wouldn't want to go with an escort, I just want the thoughts & images in my head to go away & a happy normal family life.
I just bet that you found him messaging prostitutes while you were pregnant, he gave you some old pony about not following through with it and you said at some point that you could forgive him having sex with a prostitute more than if he'd had an affair and an emotional connection with someone else. Lord alone knows why some women make these trade-offs because paying for sex is far worse than liking a woman for her humanity and not just her sexual organs, but there you have it...
So this gave him the perfect breeding ground for the current lie. He'd already conditioned you into thinking that prostitutes wasn't that big a deal.
The truth is more likely to be that this wankstain has been paying for sex and having an affair.
You're as much at risk of STIs from the affair as you are from the prostitutes, although it's a bit of an urban myth that they all fully protect their sexual health.
I even made him ring his father ( very old fashioned & proper) and tell him of his deed & his fathers advice was to ' remember its in the male make- up and chemistry to do this sort of thing'
I'm always broke & get no money help, but somehow scrape by. I put everyone before myself
Your DD is in a broken home already, sorry. It's broken because you're eaten up, the images are not going to go away and your family is neither normal nor happy. You're upset now & you'll hate him eventually.... not just for what he's done and the lies but because he's made you hate yourself.
Your DD is 6 months old and loves anyone who gives her a cuddle and looks after her needs.
Her home is already 'broken' by her loser father.
Families come in all different shapes and sizes..and its not a broken home. Being happy is better for your child, that DD seeing youre sticking with a man who cheats and you taking him back each time. Doesnt she deserve more? Its hard, but you both deserve more than he's giving, when he feels he needs to make it up.
Apple didn't fall far from the tree then did it?
You don't really believe you can't do any better for you and your daughter do you?
My dd loves him to bits & I didn't want her to grow up in a broken home.
There is no shame in coming from a "broken" home. You're already in a broken marriage. What would you say if your DD was in the position you are? Your "D"H is a liar. There's no way that the OW was an escort. She was his girlfriend, I'll bet.
And why are you running round after him like some Stepford Wife?
And as for him "reliving his wedding night". Yuk. Just yuk.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.