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I have done something silly

(176 Posts)
bowlingforsoup Sun 12-May-13 21:55:42

DP left his phone. I don't trust him yet due to cheating etc in the past. We are trying to move forward.

I couldn't help myself so I had a nose through the phone. Months worth of text messages to workmates, me, his mum etc etc. I noticed the other day Cass (they have sec history) had text him but strangely none of those texts were in the inbox.

I looked at his call log and sure enough there were records of hundreds of texts sent between him and her over the past few months. I don't know what it was about it was just times and dates of sent and received messages.

I decided to text her pretending to be him to see what happened.

Nothing really much was said just hello, what you doing etc.

DP is in the pub. Turns out she is on her way to that pub with a friend.

they will chat and realise that he didn't text her and that it was me that was texting pretending to be him.

I shouldn't have done it. He will be so pissed off with me when he gets home later.

What I don't get though is why he deleted all the texts in the first place? It was only hers that were deleted, nobody else's.

It seemed a bit strange to me which is why I looked.

How do I explain myself?

He will never admit to anything going on between them now if there is. Also, if there has been something going on surely I've just pushed them further together?

It all comes back to my lack of trust.

BeCool Sun 12-May-13 22:03:07

It doesn't come down to your lack of trust. You acted in your instinct that something was up and your instinct was right!

Think of what kind of person you might share 100's of texts secretly with and go on secret nights out with?

It's not you OP, it's him.

Sorry this has happened. What will you do?

HoHoHoNoYouDont Sun 12-May-13 22:04:46

Who exactly is she?

myroomisatip Sun 12-May-13 22:06:41

No... It is not your 'lack of trust' more his 'lack of you not being able to trust him'.

I would say nothing and admit to nothing.

I would also be making plans to leave! ASAP!

Hassled Sun 12-May-13 22:06:45

You've answered your own question - you explain yourself with what you said: "I don't trust him yet due to cheating etc in the past." Neither of you can wave a magic wand and create that trust - he fucked up and your lack of trust is one of the consequences. And so he's not in a postion to have an issue with you looking at his phone - as I said, he fucked up, not you.

And yes, the missing texts are dodgy as hell. It stinks like rotting fish.

Beckamaw Sun 12-May-13 22:10:09

Sounds like you need to go to the pub and see for yourself what's going on. hmm
Doesn't sound like you were snooping for no reason.

Can you switch on 'delivery reports'?
I did that. In the delivery reports were copies of the sent messages.
It was gutting, but told me enough to LTB.

HoHoHoNoYouDont Sun 12-May-13 22:12:12

I would say nothing and admit to nothing.

I agree. I bet he's sat there with her know shitting himself wondering how to get out of this. If he brings it up it proves he's been with her. If he doesn't it proves he's guilty and thinking what to do next.

bowlingforsoup Sun 12-May-13 22:14:23

He cheated on me with her before. He never admitted to it, but she did when I had her by the throat a couple of years ago. Not my finest moment (vodka) blush

She has been shagging round the town and back again and is the kind of girl who would drop her knickers for anyone. It seemed really dodgy which is why I text her in the first place. I suppose I kind of wanted to catch him out so I'd know for sure. I'm not proud of myself and i know it's going to cause a huge row which is why I'm going to try and get to sleep before he gets back.

I'm due a baby in a few weeks and we have a home, 3yo etc together. I am trying to trust him it's just difficult as I'm sure you can imagine after being betrayed so many times.

Thanks for the advice.

You don't trust him. Presumably he knows that, and hopefully as you are still together, he understands and accepts that you don't/can't trust him due to his cheating. Knowing this he is deleting texts and having secret get Togethers with women who, of I read your post right, have form for this sort of suspicion.

He isn't deleting the texts to 'protect' you, or to stop you from being 'paranoid' (which he will claim) he deleted them to hide something. Surely you forgave him on an honesty and transparency basis. He is being secretive. Whatever crap he spouts about your actions that is what this all boils down to.


SueDunome Sun 12-May-13 22:18:15

Are you sure that it's just a coincidence that they are in the same pub tonight?

HoHoHoNoYouDont Sun 12-May-13 22:20:05

You probably don't want to hear this but you will be better off without him. Think about the sort of life you want for you and your baby. Is this it? Always wondering what he's up to.

He's cheated with her before and lied to you about it?! You sound angry at her? He is making a choice, it's his fault, his betrayal, his responsibility. What a prick. LTB.
You don't need a row. He will deny, you will be manipulated. He's a cheating prick, and you (rightfully) don't trust him. Houses built upon the sand. LTB.

He's cheated with her before and lied to you about it?! You sound angry at her? He is making a choice, it's his fault, his betrayal, his responsibility. What a prick. LTB.
You don't need a row. He will deny, you will be manipulated. He's a cheating prick, and you (rightfully) don't trust him. Houses built upon the sand. LTB.

Say nothing, it is him that has to explain himself, not you!

AnyFucker Sun 12-May-13 22:24:17

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bowlingforsoup Sun 12-May-13 22:26:48

The reason I'm angry at her is because she knew about me. She did the chasing knowing he had a girlfriend at home.

I will have to wait and see if he brings it up. He is hiding something if he's deleting texts that much is obvious but it could be innocent. They were friendly before I met him.

I need to re think my choice of giving the relationship another go.

BriansBrain Sun 12-May-13 22:26:57

S you text her in the guise of him and it turns out she is on the way to the same pub he is in?

What do you do?

Lock the fucking door and let him try and get out of it in the morning.

Lock up well and go to bed, do you own,is he named on the property?

OnTheNingNangNong Sun 12-May-13 22:27:48

You will never be able to trust him.

scottishmummy Sun 12-May-13 22:28:00

you're pg,you've got a child by this man,he's got you completely in a spin
for good reason it pg with a 3yo idont be happy he in pub with an ex
much as you dont want hear this it takes two she hasn't forced him.dont let him off hook by demonising her as a trollop

bowlingforsoup Sun 12-May-13 22:28:01

AnyFucker - please enlighten me as to why you don't like the 'sound' of me.

AnyFucker Sun 12-May-13 22:31:11

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scottishmummy Sun 12-May-13 22:31:20

ignore any lock him out/change locks advice.its provocative and he old inform police if it his house
this isn't about the girl,she has no responsibilities to you.he. had2kids with you
don't get hung up on her morality,as frankly this is all about your fella being a shagger.

Doha Sun 12-May-13 22:33:09

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ImperialBlether Sun 12-May-13 22:33:50

I was wondering about that, AF. Wouldn't you have looked at the phone? I would. I probably would've sent the text, too.

OP, what did your and her texts say? Did she sound as though she was meeting him deliberately?

Doha Sun 12-May-13 22:33:50

xpost with AF blush

AnyFucker Sun 12-May-13 22:34:09

no problemo, doha smile

bowlingforsoup Sun 12-May-13 22:35:43

It takes two. Most (NOT all) women on here, from what I have read, blame their partners solely for breaking up the relationship. It is actually ow fault too. He didn't shag himself. He made the choice to take her up on her offer and cheated on his family.

I started this thread asking for advice on how to handle the texting situation. I am a grown woman who is more than capable of deciding whether to end a relationship or not. It is MY choice to end it or stay with him and i will have to deal with the consequences of my desicion. I am fully aware of that.

As for the getting her by the throat, I'd challenge any (pissed) woman who was being taunted about their man cheating on them with the town bike to keep calm and not go for her. Some people obviously have more self control than others whilst intoxicated. It seems i dont.

But, she has no commitment to you. You are not her problem. Sorry. Women, and men, can chase who they like. They are allowed to. wives and husbands are not their responsibility.
However, for the person they are chasing, if they are in a commited relationship the answer is no. the messages sent are negative. You do not treat them as a friend if they have repeatedly ignored your rejection. You treat them disdainfully. Because they have insulted you, your integrity and your partner. Your dp, however welcomed her advances, 'gave in' (although let's be honest, he wouldn't have if he didn't want a piece) your dp continued a friendship with this woman despite her insult to his partner and his commitment to you. He has done you wrong, she may be a bitch, but he has hurt you. She was just witness.sad

scottishmummy Sun 12-May-13 22:36:52

you're man is a poon. hound.once a shagger always shagger
so your issue is with him,not the one he gets rocks off with
you need to think way next,get to council if you need housing and benefits sign on

ImperialBlether Sun 12-May-13 22:37:20

Oh sorry, I didn't see the bit about you clutching her around the throat.

Having said that, I know I've reacted really badly to finding my ex in a clinch with someone. It's hard to know how you'll react, I think.

AnyFucker Sun 12-May-13 22:39:04

"town bike" shagging "your man"

is this a Jeremy Kyle forum, or a parenting website ?

and still you took him back for more of the same treatment of him doing exactly the same thing, with the same OW ?

it's not the OW

it's him

and you, for being a mug

you won't want to hear that of course, but it is true

scottishmummy Sun 12-May-13 22:39:17

demonising the other lassie lets him off hook.if it wasn't her be someone else
no,I don't get so enraged or intoxicated that I assault another woman
nor would I take a shagger back. stop blaming other women,face it your mana dog

bowlingforsoup Sun 12-May-13 22:39:25

She drinks in that particular pub every night. So does my P. That's how they know each other.

I don't really understand. You seem to be saying that if you could only trust him everything would be alright? But his behaviour doesn't have to change??? Does the magic power of trust reform deceptive husbands?

I'm sorry but no. if I shag someone that's my choice. I shagged. it did not take two to make that decision. I'm an adult who can make my own choices regarding my actions and their consequence. The same is true of my dp. It's not the ow fault too- she's not a nice person, but she did not cheat on you. He chose to do that. She had nothing to do with his choice there, he could have said no.

scottishmummy Sun 12-May-13 22:42:26

your man drinks out every night?gee he's a keeper
so lets be clear he has toddler,pg gf and he's out on sniff
you need to stop blaming other lassies and consider what to do,and set the rules

xh kissed a girl infront of me. no throat grabbing here. i turned on my heel and left him (eventually).
violence makes you as bad, if not worse than them, assuming we'd all act the same way is just silly.
drinking until you become a violent person? give it up!

he shagged, she shagged, they all shagged.

Growlithe Sun 12-May-13 22:45:42

But if you know they both drink in the same pub every night, you knew this would happen before you sent the text surely?

And if he's in the pub every night when you are heavily pregnant with a 3yo as well, he's a bit of a waste of space anyway.

bowlingforsoup Sun 12-May-13 22:46:05

I don't need to sign on for any benefits. I am being paid maternity pay until I go back to work.

Mortgage etc is joint.

I'll just have to wait and see what happens when and if he comes home.

Everyone is different, some people have a shorter fuse than others.

There is no need at all to be so nasty towards someone you don't know on the Internet. If you don't like what you read, just don't reply. I've had some good advice and can see now that really he should be the one explaining himself, not me.

Sorry for posting, I'll know not to next time.

AnyFucker Sun 12-May-13 22:47:15

Next time, just grab the OW round the throat and excuse your man again

that'll do it

scottishmummy Sun 12-May-13 22:49:33

ok,so if mortgage joint you cannot lock him out his home.ignore that advice
you need to look after your health and the pg,and set some boundaries about him being better to you and the toddler
really,this isn't about any other his behaviours that s problem

bowlingforsoup Sun 12-May-13 22:52:47

When did I once say on this thread that I excused him?

I didn't.

He was just as bad and im still hurt by what he done but im choosing to live with that.

It's not always just the man's fault. It takes 2 and any decent woman wouldn't go after someone else's man especially when she knows he has children etc.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 12-May-13 22:55:11

It's not always just the man's fault. It takes 2 and any decent woman wouldn't go after someone else's man especially when she knows he has children etc.

Yep, I agree entirely.

Hope one way or another things work out for you.

bowlingforsoup Sun 12-May-13 22:55:55

I feel ten times worse than I did before I asked for advice.

I won't do that again.

Any decent man (with or without children) wouldn't be in that position.
Agree it's not just his fault but an awful lot seems to be falling on this womens shoulders.

Wow. No really, it is entirely HIS fault he cheated on you. Not hers. However much you hate her. She owes you nothing.

scottishmummy Sun 12-May-13 22:58:43

I actually think you've got a dreadful time,pg and he's unfaithful
but,this really not about the woman.its all man who leaves pg gf to go pub nightly
you're preoccupied by the lassie,it all about do seem to minimise and not blame him

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TheSecondComing Sun 12-May-13 23:02:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy Sun 12-May-13 23:03:14

dd that Make you feel better?being a sarky cow to a pg woman
Gosh aren't you the better person
you know what op might be misguided about her man but she doesn't nee the mn massive being cunts

bowlingforsoup Sun 12-May-13 23:05:48

Yeah i must be a skank.

That would really explain why I get cheated on, slagged to high heaven on a public forum by people who don't know me, be told how awful it is that I'm angry with another woman for attempting to break up my relationship, to be angry with him for doing it in the first place and to be stupid enough to even ask for advice in the first place.

I must have deserved it all.

I actually hate this forum.

Direct your anger at him not other women, or forums.

TheSecondComing Sun 12-May-13 23:08:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Looksgoodingravy Sun 12-May-13 23:09:13

I don't condone the violence but I do see where you're coming from with regards to the ow.

It does take two and the ow is at least partly responsible especially if she knew about you.

The main reason you're still paranoid and checking phones is that your 'd' p is still going out and still drinking in the same pub as this ow. What has he actually done since discovery of the affair to show you he's changed?

By all accounts it sounds like he's taking the piss and he's up to his old tricks leaving you feeling vunerable.

AnyFucker Sun 12-May-13 23:10:47

that's fine

this forum expects men to take responsibility for their actions

and will never, ever condone taking other women by the throat

it might not be the place for you, I hope you find somewhere that does

it won't be of any help whatsoever, though

the best advice you will ever get it is to quit any misogyny which plays into cheating men's hands so effectively and keep your violent hands to yourself

just walk away with your dignity

bowlingforsoup Sun 12-May-13 23:13:32

FFS i am NOT violent!!!

I said it wasn't my finest moment, I'd had a fair bit to drink and her friends were winding the situation up resulting in her very smugly telling me she had been seeing him. This caused me to lose my temper and grab her. I have never done anything like that before and never have since.


AnyFucker Sun 12-May-13 23:15:16

he's been there once

he's back there again

whose fault is that, do you think ?

clue : it's all his

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ihearsounds Sun 12-May-13 23:15:55

She offered herself to him.
He had a choice.
He took the wrong choice.
Its not like she held a gun up to his head and said right fuck me now.

You are really angry with the wrong person.

People get propositioned all the time. Just decent people say no and walk away.

And IF the fool fucked another person, if they were truly sorry they would do everything to avoid that person if they really wanted to make amends with the person they cheated on. They would not go to the same pub. They certainly wouldn't continue to text the person.

He has NO respect for you.

Time to kick the fool to the gutter.

kneedeepindaisies Sun 12-May-13 23:16:57

Just forget about all that for a second and concentrate on what you're going to do tonight.

Are you going to confront him about being in the pub with ex OW?

If you do confront him are you going to admit to sending the text?

If you don't confront him, do you think he will mention the text?

Do you think he deliberately left his phone at home so you can't contact him?

scottishmummy Sun 12-May-13 23:18:35

1. op you're pg,with small kid and shagger man.understandably upset but you're posts are v orientated on what a dirty Trollop lassie is.your poor man just lead by the dick?Actually he chooses to be poonhound, he chooses to be out every night
2. people are understandably reacting to tone of your posts, certainly grabbing other lassie by throat doesn't cover you in fact it makes you a big of a raver. however I don't think you need the mn massive clutching their hummus aghast at you,or calling you a skank
3 you need to reframe how you see this. he has proven record of shagging.youre at home pg,crying,breaking your this really how you wanted lif to be?when you were wee girl did you dream of being settling for this life?

I hope you remain well
I hope you have good mw, gp and confidant
I hope you make right decision

Looksgoodingravy Sun 12-May-13 23:19:26

You have to ask yourself why there's still texts going on between the two of them?

He should be at home with you now, working at your relationship, the one he destroyed. Where is he though? in a pub possibly meeting the ow.

Boundaries should now be in place OP, if he's not prepared to work at repairing the damage you need to ask yourself if this is worth it.

Dontspeak Sun 12-May-13 23:20:14

Bowlingforsoup - I am so sorry you are going through this.
It must be awful to be stuck indoors, pregnant whilst your untrustworthy oh is out.
I would stay quiet and see whether he brings the subject up. If he does deny it. I think that even if he knew that you had text her he wouldn't say anything.
Nobody knows how they would react unless they were in your shoes.
The thing is when your trust has been betrayed you will be forever looking over your shoulder. Which is awful it makes you paranoid.
Hope you get strength to sort it out.

Inertia Sun 12-May-13 23:24:10

I think the reason you're finding it hard to trust him is because his behaviour is inherently untrustworthy. You know that he has cheated on you before, with this woman, and the text messages are deleted. the problem is not your lack of trust.

It's worrying that you've mentioned the throat-grabbing incident in such a throwaway manner- of course both OW and your H are in the wrong in terms of adultery, but to put your hands around someone else's throat is a violent act, no matter how short your fuse. What worries me most is that you seem to be normalising violence- forgive me if this is way off, but have you been a victim of violence yourself? If you are in an abusive household, then the main priority is to protect your children.

What time does he usually get home?
Does he have a history of violence?

Do you have anywhere to go with your child if the shit hits the fan tonight?

currentlyconfuseddotcom Sun 12-May-13 23:28:46

Scottishmummy what's a raver?!

Bowling I hope it goes ok tonight.

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scottishmummy Sun 12-May-13 23:34:58

there's more daft theories here than diagnosis murder
knock yourselves out
call a pg woman names,congratulate selves you do mingle in such circles

rootypig Sun 12-May-13 23:36:09

OP are you ok? you are v pg and this is crap territory emotionally.

if I had found what you did, I would immediately assume that he was still cheating. BUT - I have in the past had intermittent contact with an ex p, it was a relationship finished before DH so no cheating, but DH always jealous of this guy. I like and miss ex p and occasionally, maybe every couple of months, we send friendly messages /emails - about his DDs, my DD, since born - and I delete them. because I can't be arsed with a fight with DH. though I feel I have nothing to hide (other than, I suppose, wanting to be in touch with ex p here and there and not feeling like I have to justify it).

Not convinced that's what's going on here, since this was cheating, and hundreds of texts is hardly occasional. But, you know, fwiw.

Back to tonight - is DP home? are you ok, do you feel safe with him? I think you can wait and see if he says anything, but if he doesn't, you're going to have to bring it up, aren't you.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Sun 12-May-13 23:40:10

The only silly thing you've done is stay with someone who cheated on you and who you clearly don't trust not to cheat on you again. Why would you want to live your life like this?

Is this 'man' such a prize? Start making plans to leave him.

TrickyBiscuits Sun 12-May-13 23:46:21

It's fowl to call another woman a 'skank', fucking horrid. Shame on you, Quint.

Hope you're OK, OP.

MagicBaguette Sun 12-May-13 23:46:44

I am shocked by some of the responses to the OP on here.

Calling her a skank? Really? Among other things.

OP, ignore the people attacking you.

You know what you need to do - be the bigger person and make plans to leave him. Ignore this other woman, she's not worth it. Concentrate on yourself and your children and what's best for you. It's obvious as hell that staying in this little triangle is not what's best for any of you.

babyradio Sun 12-May-13 23:53:26

I don't think it's fair to call the OP a skank.

You can get yourself out of this, you don't actually need these people. This other woman is irrelevant, if not her, it would be someone else. You can't force trust in a situation where a person gives you no reason to trust them.

Tell your midwife what is going on and she will support you, this kind of upset at any time would be awful but with 3 weeks left of your pregnancy it's the last thing you need.

AgnesBligg Sun 12-May-13 23:58:58

Quint are you drunk? What a nasty thing to say.

OP he just isn't that into you. Gather your strength and your dignity and consider how you ccan leave this unpleasant relationship. You can do it.

runningforme Mon 13-May-13 00:08:07

Wow, why the attacks on the OP? She is a heavily pregnant woman who's going through a hard time when she should be preparing for the birth of her child. Nobody can claim to have always reacted in the best way in an emotionally charged situation. And some of you have decided she's a skank - based on what exactly?

Some women do choose to stay with a partner after they have cheated, especially when there are kids and joint finances involved. That doesn't make her a skank or whatever else you choose to call her. Seeing as though you have made a character judgement based on a few posts, allow me to do the same and call you lot out for being so disgraceful. You sound horrid delightful. hmm

OP whilst I agree that a woman shouldn't chase a man she knows is attached, the onus is on the attached man to not cheat. If this is his behaviour after knowing the hurt from a previous affair, then he isn't worth it. In your position, I would be making plans for a life without him. You deserve better.

WafflyVersatile Mon 13-May-13 00:24:39

It's not right to call her a skank but I thought that was in response to her calling the OW a skank.

iloveweetos Mon 13-May-13 00:38:46

Hope you're ok OP

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 13-May-13 00:55:56

Bowlingforsoup, you do have a lot on your plate.
Imho, it appears that your p is continuing his relationship with the OW. I am sorry for you about that. Also, just guessing of course, but perhaps he wants an open relationship and is just getting on with it as he may think the odds too high to find an agreeable "home" partner openly and honestly?

Being in the pub, with the group ridiculing you about your partner's blatant disrespect for you, must have been awful. Can you see that anyone who participated in that is not your friend? Imho, they were using you for entertainment, and you provided it. Sorry but you were baited and fell for it. Please make a plan of action, like walking calmly out of the pub and leaving, even without comment...easier said than done in the moment, with seemingly everyone howling in laughter at you, but 1) you can not trust yourself to stay in that situation, and 2) in doing this you will maintain your own self respect and dignity.

Personally, if I knew that is where the OW went, I'd never go there again. Give up the drink before being in the same place as her...besides it doesn't really sound like a very nice place anyway <<old foggy here>>.

If I were you, I would firstly move towards emotional detachment from your p. Not wanting an open relationship, this is a deal breaker. You won't/can't change him. No rowing, arguing, sarcasm, not even a dark look, ok? He is just a roommate. You know it is over, but he doesn't need to, yet. This is solely for you to have your baby in a (somewhat hmm ) peaceful environment, bide your time.

Make plans privately over the next few weeks, have your baby, recover from that (and I hope everything goes well for you with the birth), and then proceed with reorganizing housing.

After that, please consider reading up on anger management...plenty of books available on Amazon or perhaps local library...or even pursue counseling. Drunk or not, that episode is a wake up call and I recommend dealing with it before your dc wind you up (and they will), because then, there will be no excuses.

Ezza1 Mon 13-May-13 01:24:10

Some of the replies to this thread make depressing reading.

OP, I hope all is well.

Roseflowers Mon 13-May-13 01:35:37

Logging in from being a lurker to say that the way the the OP is being spoken to here by some member is pretty disgusting. I'm sorry, but the OW in question DID have a choice about pursuing a man she knew was married (and then taunting his wife with details of their affair!) which makes her less than a stellar person. By no means is the OP a skank, what an utterly awful thing to say. BTW, I've been a victim of violence (domestic violence none the less) and am not condoning it but I don't think the OP deserves the horrible comments she's had in this thread for a drunken error. Bowling, for the record I'd just dump him, for the seemingly continued infidelity. Wishing you strength in this difficult time

twofalls Mon 13-May-13 02:17:10

So this forum will (rightly) never condone a woman being held by her throat but will condone a woman being called a skank.

Genuinely confused.

Erm, 'this forum' does not have a unified voice. I don't think the posters who were condeming the OP's physical assault on someone were all or necessarily the same posters as those calling other people skanks.

runningforme Mon 13-May-13 02:40:04

Errr did you read quint's post SGB?

twofalls Mon 13-May-13 03:09:54

Well AF obviously felt she could speak for "this forum". They weren't my words. They were hers. At the same time decreeing she didn't like the sound of the OP and perhaps she should find another forum. Someone else, perhaps it was you SGB that suggested the OP was the perpetrator of domestic violence and the DP was too scared to come home.

Honestly, i don't condone having another woman round the throat but I really don't think OP has deserved the hard time she has had on here. And it's bullshit to say that we shouldn't blame the OW. OW who are fully aware if the existence of partner and dc generally get a really hard time on here.

That said OP, he doesn't sound like a keeper. Shagging around and at the pub every night with child and pg DP at home. I would tell him you sent the text if he asks because you don't trust him. And why would you?

Ledkr Mon 13-May-13 06:33:39

What's wrong with some of you? Jeeeze. This is when it's hard to disagree about the bullying on here. Poor woman. I hope she hasn't done anything silly. This is relationships not AIBU a lot of us have known how it feels to be cheated on so some empathy wouldn't go amiss especially as she's heavily pg and responsible for a child.

Ledkr Mon 13-May-13 06:37:04

Yes toofalls I've seen ow posters anialated by mn for sure.
This was a case of jumping on the band wagon I'm afraid.

Leverette Mon 13-May-13 06:46:31

Enough of the bullying already! What an embarrassment.

OP how are you this morning?

There is a 'type' of OW known as 'the spider woman' who does work really, really hard to ensnare the attached prey she wants, employing all manipulative skills she can. She is driven by a sense of exacting revenge on another woman for some previous hurt eg inadequate mother or having been cheated on herself in the past. I've seen this myself and a relationship of mine was the victim of it - because anyone make or female can be taken in by a prolonged ego-boosting campaign when their boundaries aren't switched on properly. When it happened to me I had powerfully violent feelings toward the woman, because she was a predator out to steal my partner and lifestyle. I didn't act on them, but certainly the French recognise un crime passionel in exactly these circumstances.

Lweji Mon 13-May-13 06:50:47

About the throat incident, the OP was lucky not to have the police called on her.
It is not like a slap. Holding by the throat is quite serious.

You really should have walked away from all this if it made you that mad.

And knowing it is known to all and that her OH is still going to the same places as the OW, is beyond my comprehension.
You clearly don't trust him even after a few years and even chose to have a baby.

Feeling very sad for you and I hope you finally find the strength to remove yourself from this train wreck.

HousewifeFromHeaven Mon 13-May-13 06:53:04

I can't believe what I am reading.

Hope you are ok this morning op.

AllOverIt Mon 13-May-13 06:57:25

What a nasty thread! Hope you're okay this morning OP.

What happened when he got home?

TheRealFellatio Mon 13-May-13 06:58:16

Only on page 1 so far, but I have to say I agree with Anyfucker. what a depressing mess. How about you focus a bit more on the fuckwit you've chosen to have a child with, and a bit less about how Cass chooses to spend her personal time?

TickleMyTitsTillFriday Mon 13-May-13 07:01:52

Wow. Some of these replies are disgusting. How supportive! Op, I hope you're ok, I can imagine this made you feel ten times worse.

Ledkr Mon 13-May-13 07:02:22

felatio was it you who was telling me yesterday that its not always that easy to end a relationship? I'm sure being weeks from givi g birth is one of those times. I'm confused now.

Ledkr Mon 13-May-13 07:07:56

lweji weren't you also banging on about it not being easy to leave yet you are now giving op short shrift for being with a loser??

kneedeepindaisies Mon 13-May-13 07:12:30

I think everyone on this thread needs to remember that the OP is heavily pregnant and in a particularly shit situation.

She has already admitted that she made a mistake regarding attacking OW.
However she didn't come in here to ask AIBu for grabbing OW by the throat! She asked for some advice regarding a text message.

OP, I would ask for this thread to be deleted or hide it. I hope everything is ok this morning.

Obviously you have a lot of thinking to do regarding your situation but Please don't be afraid to post here again. You are welcome on this forum.

TheRealFellatio Mon 13-May-13 07:22:47

I haven't told her to end her relationship. I've implied that she should look a bit further afield than to the OW to lay her blame.

I never fail to be amazed at how low the standards are of so many women when picking fathers for their children. I depresses me no end that so many women will settle so quickly for so little.

I don't like the way she goes to pubs and grabs women by the throat while tanked up on vodka. I don't like the way she lets herself be wound up by the OW's friends (who all sound about 14.) The whole thing is undignified.

But mostly I don't like the way she speaks about the OW. It smacks of 'my poor dim DP, he's just a simple man lead by his cock - what is he to do when a slapper like that drops her knickers and offers it to him on a plate? He's only human.' hmm

And I don't like the way that her 'DP' seems to spends half his life in the pub in spite of having a small child and one on the way.

but perhaps it's just me. confused

You can tell me I'm being smug now. grinwink

Lweji Mon 13-May-13 07:27:21

I didn't call him a loser, btw.

Recognising that it's difficult to leave doesn't mean we shouldn't point out that it's best to.
It doesn't mean we have to say there, there.

I analysed the situation for what it was and hoped the OP the strength to leave.
Thus recognising it's difficult.

If I was giving short shrift, it would have been a different post. smile

Personally, I'd find that at this stage of pregnancy it is best that the OP leaves, particularly if she gets so wound up about it. Not healthy.

I know someone who has left her cheating OH in the very latest stages of pregnancy and it was definitely the best for her, even if hard.

kneedeepindaisies Mon 13-May-13 07:30:47

I don't like any of things either Fellatio.

I'm annoyed that she is with a man that is making her feel so shit about herself that she believes all this behaviour (both his and hers) is normal.

I wish she would believe she is better off without him but its probably a case of better the devil you know hmm

Ledkr Mon 13-May-13 07:45:21

Well I don't think you are being smug tbh but both posts do sound a tad like the one you both criticised me for yesterday. just saying
Also recently there was a few threads where the ow posted and was flamed to a crisp by some of the posters who are now saying its not their fault at all. And come on you lot are you seriously telling me you'd not be pissed off with someone who shagged your dh knowing he was married? Really?

TheRealFellatio Mon 13-May-13 08:22:27

Of course I would. But however much we might like to demonize the OW, I think the responsibility for a man's relationship and the happiness and the stability of his children lies with him every time - not her. Whoever she may be and whatever her motives or her morals are.

And I would never grab anyone by the throat in the pub. Not my style.

TheRealFellatio Mon 13-May-13 08:23:10

In fact I wouldn't even indulge in a slanging match over a man. I know I just would never to do it.

TheRealFellatio Mon 13-May-13 08:23:52

That's not to say it would be wrong to scream and shout at her, but it would not be my way.

CoteDAzur Mon 13-May-13 08:34:18

Being pissed off with OW > fine
Physically assaulting OW, attempting to choke her > criminal

DP happening to be in the same pub with former OW > fine
DP going out to this pub every single night while pregnant OP broods at home > not fine at all

TheRealFellatio Mon 13-May-13 08:36:02

exactly Cote.

I am sorry for calling you a skank. That was very nasty of me.

To be honest, the only way I have heard the word skank used in daily speech, was by my Welsh friend from Uni, describing the going ons between a couple of other mates of her, it included cheating on their partners, sexual promiscuity, drinking in the pub every day and getting off with each-other, and getting into cat-fights. She was mighty fed up. The first word that sprang to mind when I read your posts were "that sounds like Liz's skanky friends" I honestly did not realize it was such a nasty word. hmm

OP, you really need to reconsider the company you keep. You have a child, soon two. And you have hooked up with a serial cheater who spends every night at the pub in the company of his OW. This is not a good atmosphere to raise children in. He is a shit. HE is a shit. Stop blaming her. She made no wows to you. She is not the father of your children. HE should not even be interested!

PoppyAmex Mon 13-May-13 08:49:11

It's fine to contribute with your point of view; it's fine to disagree with the OP, but name calling and reductive/offensive comments (Jeremy Kyle, etc) is just not on.

Lweji Mon 13-May-13 08:51:07

Ledkr, I think you'll find that said posters (if I got them correctly) were not fried to a crisp.

However, we are not in the habit of automatically going poor hun, just because the OP is a woman (or a hairy trucker).

What we talked about on a different thread was about abuse creeping in.
In this case, we have a pub confrontation, with the OP losing it and assaulting another woman, but effectively excusing her partner.
Yes, she needs a reality check.

ohnoididnt Mon 13-May-13 08:51:29

Wow. Definitely some nasty comments. Just ignore OP. As you say you came for advice not to be torn apart. We are not all the same, nor do we tolerate or act the same - some of the previous comments were judgemental and actually shameful. I hope you are ok. It is very easy to judge a situation when you are on the outside looking in. But until you make the choice to leave - you hang on. It's what a lot of women do.

I've done nutty things under emotional duress - things I'm not proud of but that I regret. Unfortunately we aren't all as perfect as some posters. Please don't stop coming here for help because of a few bitchy judgemental comments.

Re the texting - I'd say nothing and see what happens...

Hugs xx

jasmineramsden Mon 13-May-13 08:52:54

I am shocked at what I've read in this forum. How horribly unsupportive and judgey. OP take no notice of some of the rubbish thrown at you on this thread.
OBVIOUSLY it was very wrong of OP to grab ow by the throat. OP clearly knows this,she's been honest about it and obviously is ashamed of it. The throat grabbing isn't what's in question here, but all you holier than thou posters are hanging on to this fact and then name calling the OP should be ashamed of yourselves
OP what an awful situation to be in. You deserve much better than this man OP. I hope you find the strength to start planning to leave this awful man.
And for the record although again OBVIOUSLY the cheating man is the one by far the most at fault, a woman who deliberately chases an attached man with children is the lowest of the low and were this done to me I'd think very very badly of her as does OP.
Give the OP a break. Reading this would put me off posting for advice. How nitpicky, judgemental and cruel towards a heavily pregnant woman who is having a bloody terrible time of it.
Shame on some of you.

CoteDAzur Mon 13-May-13 08:54:13

Isn't a hug = o

So hugs = oo

We don't get much Nethunnery around here, so a bit hazy on the fundamentals of xoxoxo business wink

Ledkr Mon 13-May-13 08:57:08

Me neither felatio but when I caught dh out I did feel like it trust me grin I chose dignity which now ten years later still seems to confuse her as I smile sweetly when I pick up dc.
And lweji we read different threads tbh ill try to link later but there are a lot of double standards on this thread and I think it was. Dreadful way to treat a fellow human being who was struggling already.

southbank Mon 13-May-13 09:16:54

Op,I hope you are ok this morning,and that last night didn't create too much stress for you.I am truly shocked by the responses you got last night,and wanted to post just to show you some support.
As for the posters who felt it was acceptable to name call,heap the blame onto op and generally speak as the voice of 'this forum' this is meant to be a forum where posters ask for advice,op did not come on here to have her character dissected and her violent outburst held against her she did something silly by using her dp phone and asked for advice on that.
I don't think anybody thinks she was justified in her reaction by grabbing the ow by the throat,but fgs she speaks as if she's being pushed and taunted by someone who appears to flaunt the fact she's sleeping with another womans dp.I don't condone it but that wasn't what she came on here to ask about.
Op is pregnant,has a child and has a cheating loser as a partner,she needs support,not to be told she's a skank or that people don't like the sound of her-and as per usual the AF bandwagon jumps on and agrees with her.btw AF you don't speak for 'this forum' or what it stands for.
And quint it's good that you have apologised for calling op a skank but by your own admission you said you didn't know what the word really meant,adding to the unnecesary name calling of the op which again so many seemed to latch onto.
I hope op will come back as it's clear she needs help,as I have read far too often an op says she won't bother to return as the answers have descended into nasty name calling,judging etc then who do these people turn to?

PoppyAmex Mon 13-May-13 09:20:30

Good posts, southbank and Ledkr.

southbank, I dont think people latched on to me calling her something nasty, people were mostly horrified at me and told me off, not the op. As it should be. If anything, it derailed the thread, and that I am also sorry for.

Ledkr Mon 13-May-13 09:29:35

good for you *quint smile

AnAirOfHope Mon 13-May-13 09:32:16

Op i have only read your first post.

How are you?

I dont think it matters if he admitts it or not if you dont trust him and he is not helping you trust him the relationship is over.

Im sorry but i think you need to plan leaving and rasing your kids on your own.

Find someone that loves you and your little family xx

threesypeesy Mon 13-May-13 10:10:05

1st off I hope your ok op!!

God this poor womam has asked for advice why the hell is she getting such horrible abuse directed at her? Give her a break

Op I know you position well my dh cheated years ago on me before we were married, we split then decided to make a go of it and 99% of the time we have a very happy married life so it is possible to forgive and move on.
For what its worth I would have sent the text to -- I then would have frog marched to the pub and caused a massive seen-- if your dh/dp is involved with this woman again I would say it's time to call it quits yougave him a chamce before if it didn't work he does not deserve another.

You went on your gut feeling and I am sure most would so don't beat yourself up. As for the other woman it's perfectly acceptable to hate her!! Grabbing her round the throats is not a great moment to have but under the circumstances it's understandable we all have no idea know matter whatwe say how ee would react in the same situation especially with alcohol involved.

I would wait to see what dh/dp says when he comes in and take it from there, you've seen it all before so I am sure you can gauge his reaction and take the right action .

Hope you get to the bottom of whats going on as your kids deserve a stable homelife as do you.

DippyDoohDahDay Mon 13-May-13 10:15:11

It looks like the op will not be posting anymore, don't blame her, she already acknowledged the throat incident was not her finest hour. I am glad others have since been along to say how awful the treatment of op has been on here. And if an ow were to post on here, she gets a total roasting. Mumsnet is becoming vicious !!
Op, if you see know that all those deleted texts are missing because he does not want you to see them. You deserve much better than this. Good luck with the birth and hope you have lots of (good and empathic) support around you x x

RebeccaMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 13-May-13 10:17:41

Hi all,

Can we please remind everyone of our Talk guidelines - it is fine to disagree but we do draw the line at personal attacks.

Please do report any to us that you see and many thanks for those who have reported.

TheRealFellatio Mon 13-May-13 10:33:06

Well looking at her posting history, he went straight to the pub from work and stayed out until gone 2.30 am on Saturday, and yet he was back there again until late on Sunday night shock in psite of the fact that the OP was quite ill on Saturday night and Sunday morning, as is heavily PG with child 2.

And presumably he was in the company of a girl he has slept with since the first child was born.

I'd say she's got bigger problems than being called names by us lot. Poor girl.

PeppermintPasty Mon 13-May-13 10:37:48

Well, now OP, I am no doubt projecting or something, but when I was pregnant with my now 6 yo, my life was classic Jeremy Kyle, thanks mainly to my dp (he is dp still) who did some things that were so awful that my life was just one long emotional outburst for a while.

I was absolutely desperate then, and I don't (just) mean desperate to hang on to him shock. I was desperate to hang on to my sanity, Some things he did I will probably never post on here as frankly, I'm ashamed of the way I let him treat me. I thought the world had gone mad, and if you are feeling that desperation then you have my sympathy.

I also did several stupid things, I'm not proud of them. They included violence, or attempts at violence (against him). Rather pathetic in the end. I'm not condoning anything like that, rather trying to understand where your head is at.

Anyway, you're not alone in the things you're going through/have gone through.

The only concrete thing that helped me get a grip was getting rid of him, getting my life back on track and accepting that he was a shit and we were well rid.

Ledkr Mon 13-May-13 10:39:05

Yes fellatio that's what I meant by my thread. It's really sad that some people feel powerless to put an end to what must be an awful life.
I just hope my dds will not ever tolerate such nonsense.
Let's not forget that it's this idiot who is behaving like a tool towards the mother of his chikdren which will actually massively impact upon them.
What's wrong with some people?

PeppermintPasty Mon 13-May-13 10:40:14

(which I did ie get rid -the above doesn't read entirely right as we got back together after a very long time apart, but that is a another story)

Coffeeformeplease Mon 13-May-13 10:41:30

OP, I hope you are ok. I feel bad about the way your posting asking for help has turned nasty. This is normally a forum to get help and if some answers are completely awful, it doesn't mean we are all like that.

Look at your situation, find RL support and deal with your partner who seems to be taking the piss. In the pub every night?

You have not done anything silly checking his phone. It may have been the one good thing to finally see the truth and make a decision about this relationship.

BigBlockSingsong Mon 13-May-13 10:49:43

Why are people being unkind to the OP because she is pointing out someone she knows is promiscuous?
And that person is sniffing round her DP knowing he had a pregnant DP, at home?
She is entitled to be angry at both.

I would saying nothing unless needed OP, let him sweat.
But tbh I would be thinking about separation.

Lweji Mon 13-May-13 10:50:45

I don't usually say this, but if a man had come in here saying he had held OM by his throat, he'd get the same responses as OP.
Probably worse.
When someone is violent, we always advise the victim as well as the perpetrator to walk away.

But this episode was mainly analysed to show OP how this relationship with this man is bad for her.

BigBlockSingsong Mon 13-May-13 10:54:55

So If I'm reading this right, how many of you would flirt/advance on a married man and still consider your self decent?

genuine question, who would knowingly hit on an attached bloke?

of course he is a scumbag , but both have to take responsibility.

I have all sympathy for a woman who didn't know she was OW.

Ledkr Mon 13-May-13 11:00:24

I'm not sure if I'm in a different world but its not uncommon for a spouse to attack someone who has been sleeping with his or her partner.
Dh is a copper and deals with this everyday.
There's a lot of self righteousness on mn tbh.
I would have happily killed my ex and his ow when it all came out.
I was not rational as I visited the clap clinic sorted out claiming benefits for the first time ever, looked st my baby dd knowing she would never grow up without her dad and watched my ds cry like a baby.
You don't know how you'd react really.

Hey OP. doubt you will come back to this oh so supportive thread,but if you do, let us know you're OK, you're in a very vulnerable position, and I'm sure your head's all over the place.

Did he come home?

Take care of you first and foremost.

BigBlockSingsong Mon 13-May-13 11:06:01

I agree Ledkr, I can imagine is someone was smugly telling me whilst I was drunk , that she had been sleeping with my DH, in those moments you're whole world comes crashing down, such a betrayal especially being smug about it,
I couldn't guarantee I wouldn't be violent in that situation.

Ledkr Mon 13-May-13 11:12:44

bigblock I used to dream about being violent and I'm a very sane individual. Ow was friends with my two eldest boys knew I'd had cancer and just had a baby so not a massive amount of sympathy for her tbh although without a doubt it was exh who betrayed me she just had no morals clearly.

BigBlockSingsong Mon 13-May-13 11:14:59

That is truly awful Ledkr, maybe we should skip violence and just have cages for these people.

men and women, before anyone starts frothing at the mouth.

Patosshades Mon 13-May-13 11:16:58

I imagine he's come home so he's now safe from the clutches of evil town bike. It'll all be fine, it will need the OP to walk in on them shagging on her own bed for this fine specimen of a man to be shown the door.

fallingover Mon 13-May-13 11:28:03

maybe we should skip violence and just have cages for these people

Crikey. Last time I checked, infidelity was not a criminal offence. Get a grip.

Ledkr Mon 13-May-13 11:32:48

Um I think she was joking maybe you need to get a sense of humour and a grip.

kneedeepindaisies Mon 13-May-13 11:33:25

The thing is Patos she doesn't want to show him the door.

Obviously I think she should but you can't slate her for not doing so. It's her choice.

Just as its his choice to treat her like shit and the OW's choice to sleep with a man she knows has a pregnant partner and child hmm

We should just try to support her if she comes back. This is relationships not AIBU.

BigBlockSingsong Mon 13-May-13 11:39:40

Something being legal doesn't stop it being morally abhorrent, and we've not even got on to the topic of sti's etc the darker side of cheating.

I'm actually wondering why cheating and infecting is not a criminal offence tbh, it should be one.

(off on a tangent)

fallingover Mon 13-May-13 11:47:25

So you weren't joking, were you? Policing and criminalising questions of personal morality is a dangerous road to go down, imo.

It is a criminal offence in some jurisdictions to knowingly infect someone with HIV (infidelity/cheating aside). There was a case in Germany a couple of years ago, if I remember rightly.

Kaluki Mon 13-May-13 11:47:59

ugh this is Mumsnet at its worst!!!
Nice work Ladies - poor OP is probably long gone now feeling worse than when she came on here.
She needed help and advice not name calling and being told to find another forum.
Hope you are all proud sad

BigBlockSingsong Mon 13-May-13 12:06:38

I was joking about cages for people who cheat,

No I went on tangent about people who infect their partners , why is it not punished more severely. with things like chylamydia (can make women infertile) syphillis (hugely harmful in pregnancy)
So many lives are ruined.

Lweji Mon 13-May-13 13:12:27

So, men are justified in killing or beating their partners for being unfaithful? shock

Yes, some people are violent, including women, but unless in self defence, nothing justifies it.

BigBlockSingsong Mon 13-May-13 13:33:48

Where did I condone murder?

I wouldn't crucify a man for slapping an unfaithful partner, who may or may not have infected him. Like I said its one of those shades of grey incidents.

bowlingforsoup Mon 13-May-13 16:45:36

Im a bit scared about replying but reading through the replies since last night, I thought it would be better if I did.

I felt awful last night after some of the replies i got on here. I honestly did not realise that I was such an awful person for being forgiving and trying to fix a relationship instead of just walking away. I believe that everyone deserves a chance to start over again.

Like I said last night, I chose to stay with my partner so it's up to me to deal with the consequences.

He came home last night and brought a friend with him. I wasn't happy but nothing was said at all about him leaving his phone. I won't go into details but I was right and my instincts were bang on.

If someone could please tell me how to get a thread removed, I'd appreciate it.

mummytime Mon 13-May-13 16:48:23

If you report it, and ask them to remove it, they often will.

BabsAndTheRu Mon 13-May-13 16:49:55

To get a thread removed you just press the report button and ask them to remove it. Op so sorry for the replies you got last night, very very unhelpful, hope everything is going to be okay for you and you have good family support. Take care of you and your little ones.

BabsAndTheRu Mon 13-May-13 16:54:02

Have to just add some of you on here should be ashamed of yourselves, a heavily pregnant woman looking for advice and you verbally attack her and make her feel worse, well done everybody, hope your proud. This is someone's life and heartbreak. Maybe sometimes think a bit before posting. Would you say some of those things to people in the real world?

Your instincts sounded bang on to me. He's a pig and he's still shagging her, isn't he?
Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and your child.
When I drank alcohol, vodka and I didn't get along either wink
Hope you are ok.

towicymru Mon 13-May-13 16:56:33

Sorry to hear you were right. I can see why you wanted to stay after the first time and I would have reacted the same as you if someone was rubbing my face in it.

You need to focus on what you want for your future both short term & long term. I know you are expecting soon so the idea of being on your own might be daunting but will be staying in this situation be worse?

I don't have any answers I'm afraid but there are a lot of women on here who have been in a similar situation and can perhaps advise better. Good luck x

Ezza1 Mon 13-May-13 17:07:50

Sorry to hear that bowling. Well done for coming back in here though. I certainly would not have done after such shoddy treatment from certain posters.

Take care of yourself. Ive been in your situation with the toddler/pregnant/unfaithful partner mix, its not good, it can fuck a persons mental health up. Try and stay strong. I hope you have some good RL support but try not to feel too afraid about coming back here. There are some lovely members with sound advice, its just a shame it was the others about last night x

BabyHMummy Mon 13-May-13 17:09:39

Firstly op you are very brave for trying to make your relationship work. It's easy to say walk away but not sure many ppl would actually do it if push came to shove. I always said I.would never stay in an.abusive relationship but I did and married him. I was brought up that you find a way to make it work. Eventually I did walk away but only when I knew I had tried everything. I wish you the beat of luck.

On the point of the post...if he has cheated before then I fully understand your actions. Attacking her may not have been best idea but should teach her a lesson!

It is blame both parties when cheating is involved and the ow is as equally to.blame as the dp. she chased him.

I get really sick.of reading ppl slagging off ppl on here who ask for advice. Whether their choices are ones you would make or not is irrelevant. There is s lot to be said for if you can't say anything nice don't say anything

dontyouwantmebaby Mon 13-May-13 17:16:08

OP its so sad that you've felt scared about replying on your own thread. I hope you don't feel put off posting on here again.

I think its a shame that the place you've turned to for help has added to your stress. A lot of posters invest a lot of time in giving excellent advice on here in the knowledge that the person posting is usually at the end of their tether & not knowing which way to turn or who to confide in. Sending the silly text is something that would have panicked me too. You'd already told us you'd regretted the incident with the vodka & aren't normally violent.

Agree with everything southbank said. It's not for any one or group of posters to decide what material befits mumsnet and what isn't. Hope the thread gets deleted soon.

Best of luck to you for the future x

PS I'm rubbish with vodka too, steer well clear of it wink

dontyouwantmebaby Mon 13-May-13 17:17:20

doesn't not isn't blush

jasmineramsden Mon 13-May-13 17:25:52

Hope you're ok bowling x

kneedeepindaisies Mon 13-May-13 19:09:28


I'm so glad you came back. As the previous posters have said please ignore the horrible comments.

I'm glad DH came home and that you are feeling ok. I'm so sorry that your suspicions were proved correct.

When this thread is deleted please don't be worried about posting again.

And steer clear of vodka in the future. I don't know anyone who reacts well to it grin

scottishmummy Mon 13-May-13 19:19:22

talk to mw,and go get support you need for birth and post birth.what pals have you got?
are you able to make any plans or is it all too much?this isn't news you need late pg
the ow owes you all.but your partner should have been faithful and respectful

no woman steals a goes willingly.its all about him
seductress femme fatale,it's a blame shift.shift blame away from the man who should know better

please do talk to mw
I wish you a happy and safe birth
and hope you get some peace and better times

MadameOvary Mon 13-May-13 19:48:33

This thread really is an example of MN at it's worst. The sarky, superior, nasty tone of some of these responses completely negates any of the points they were trying to make!

As someone who has changed massively in the five years I have been on MN, from being an apologist for my ex's shit behaviour to someone that has been out the other side of an abusive relationship, I have some sympathy for the OP's POV.

It's not always easy to see things as clearly as us old hands. On MN, IMO there is a "screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, well I'm a fucking idiot" philosophy.

All very well for posters to say. They aren't the ones who are on the verge of giving birth and on shaky ground emotionally as it is.

thetrackisback Mon 13-May-13 21:40:19

Bowling tell him what you've done and why you've done it. You are pregnant he's done the dirty on you and is still in contact with other women. Completely unacceptable he is in the wrong.

Also the OW does sound like a piece of work and yes making a play for a man with kids is a shitty thing to do. We all do things we wouldn't do in normal situations but we are not allowed to make a mistake with some of the perfect mumsnetters. :-(

Kaluki Mon 13-May-13 22:14:54

OP get this thread deleted and start another one (maybe name change too).
I think it was the mention of the vodka incident that set off the holier than thou brigade. It was wrong and you know it was - you didn't need flaming for that
Vodka makes me quite aggressive too so I avoid it, gin suits me much better wink

bbqsummer Mon 13-May-13 22:20:02

mdmovary I don't understand this On MN, IMO there is a "screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, well I'm a fucking idiot" philosophy

not sure what that means?

eatmydust Mon 13-May-13 22:46:10

OP well done for coming back onto your thread. It is awful that you were scared to do so because of the behaviour of a few online bullies last night. It reflects much more badly on them than you. Like others have said use the report button to get this thread deleted and start another one for support.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

MadameOvary Mon 13-May-13 23:18:43

bbq basically giving an unfaithful OH a second chance is pretty common, for many reasons. If they go on to cheat again, and are still not shown the door, there will usually be a reaction of incomprehension and general reactions of LTB on MN. Hope that makes sense, I need my bed...

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 06:02:28

Men who have been capable of grabbing someone's neck always get a roasting.
And are advised to leave their partners.

There are different degrees of aggression.
A slap is quite different from grabbing a neck, which can have serious consequences.

I stand by that if a relationship is bad enough that you hold someone by the neck, it's not healthy and you shoul leave.
That is standard advice.

I wonder if people advising a woman to call the police because her husband grabbed her neck will be called hollier than thou.
We always advise not to give second chances in those cases.
Regardless of how drunk he was (drink shows how you are) or how provocative the woman was.

These men would also say it had not been their finest hour and would insist on staying with the woman, often controlling her.

Not so dissimilar here. I'm sorry OP, but I do think you have to think hard about why you are staying with this man in spite of the blatant disrespect.
And why you were capable of such extreme violence.
Will it happen again because someone taunts you over your precious OH (who is the real bastard here)? Will you get a criminal record because of it?

The point is that this sort of destructive relationship can only be bad for you and you should leave it asap.
Pregnant or not.

Which reminds me that pregnant women are not fragile soap bubbles. They should be able to get unbiased views, even if they are difficult to hear, but ultimately in their best interest.

FacebookWanker Tue 14-May-13 06:29:54

OP, I'm sorry you've been given such a hard time. I'd love to see the reaction of some of these people if their single best friend slept with their husband. Would they still carry on the friendship as normal as it is 100% the husband's fault.

I hope you manage to sort things out in the eye that us best for you and your child, and new baby.

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 06:36:58

It's a different issue.
A cheating husband carries 100% responsibility for his cheating.
A cheating friend carries 100% responsibility over her betrayal too.

Unless she raped him, he has full responsibility towards his wife.

ElizaDoLots Tue 14-May-13 06:37:48

OP - hope you are OK.

PoppyAmex Tue 14-May-13 08:58:29

Lewji I fail to understand why you find it appropriate to continue to pontificate on that episode.

The OP has admitted more than once that she was wrong, said she's not a violent person but lost control and takes full responsibility. She has also said (in caps lock, if I remember correctly) that she understands her DP is the one to blame and not the OW.

Since everyone has agreed on this, perhaps you could now let the OP receive the support she came looking for or if you're very invested in this issue, perhaps start a thread of your own?

Kaluki Tue 14-May-13 09:23:52

Please stop berating her for the vodka induced violence.
Many of us have done similar stupid things while drunk and SHE KNOWS IT WAS WRONG!!!!
The issue is that she is pregnant with a toddler and has found out that her partner is cheating.
I have been there and help and support is what she needs - not abuse.
OP change your name and start another thread!

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 11:48:29

The point I am trying to make is mostly for recent posters still putting blame on the OW.

And explaining why the violence episode is relevant. Not necessarily berating the OP about it, but why posters felt the need to mention it.

If other recent posters feel the need to keep the subject by attacking those who mentioned, then I do feel the need to explain at least my point of view.

Kaluki Tue 14-May-13 12:50:35

Well I think you have made your point!!

DippyDoohDahDay Tue 14-May-13 13:41:35

Oh. My. God.
I told my lovely and very placid mum last night about this thread and the abysmal treatment the op has had. I told her about "the vodka incident". My mum had to face my day's infidelity and the ow, and she too had her pinned to the wall, hand to her throat. Judge if you like, but my mum is wonderful, peaceful and non violent. But after twenty years of marriage she really felt it. This op is heavily pregnant. Leave her lone fgs!!!!
If you want to take the moral high ground, hop off and find someone else to ruff your feathers too. And pray you are never in the same situation as the op. (dusts self off and goes to find some decent people..)

DippyDoohDahDay Tue 14-May-13 13:43:54

I agree. Name change op, start another thread, don't put too many specifics in and just get some ( decent) support.
Sometimes, we hold ourselves open in an attempt to admit our mistakes and not come across as something we are not. Commendable in my book, but some feel the need to lecture and judge. Ho hum.

BabsAndTheRu Tue 14-May-13 14:19:13

Totally agree with Kaluki and Dippy, well said.

Ledkr Tue 14-May-13 22:48:06

As I said previously its hardly unheard of for a betrayed person to get physical with the cheaters. Jeeeze it's been going on since ancient history.
Yes I agree op. if you read this thread you will se that must if us were realistic and most if the school bullies have scarpered grin
Start another one you need some support.

CoteDAzur Wed 15-May-13 07:27:33

It's also hardly unheard of for people to kill each other, so what is your point?

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