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DP doesnt want me at his party.

(129 Posts)
NaggingGirlfriend Fri 10-May-13 10:33:56

I've name changed, although I've written one other post under this name.

I've been with dp for 2 and a half years. I have a 9 month old with him.

Hes just got a new job and his birthday is also coming up. He mentioned that his workmates are planning a night out to celebrate. I've not met any of his friends at all. I found out I was pregnant on the first day of his job and haven't had a chance to go out for drinks and meet everyone. I feel like I'd be ok about getting my parents to babysit so I can go out for the first time in about 2 years.

When I said I was looking forward to meeting everyone he looked at me funny and made excuses about how I shouldn't be there because I cant drink because I'm still breastfeeding. I explained that I would express enough to last and it wouldn't be a problem. After a few other excuses he told me he didn't want me there because I'm 'too sensible' and people would find it weird and he cant relax around me because I'm boring and ruin fun and apparently tell him off all the time.

I'm really, really upset about it but he's not said sorry, he was quite happy to leave the conversation there. When I told him that made me feel like crap he said 'see, this is why I don't want you there, all you do is argue'

I'm utterly confused as he has mentioned in the past that our problems are down to me not having a life of my own and that I don't make an effort to meet people. But now I have a chance, he wont let me. I've been having a lot of confidence issues recently, I've never had such low confidence in my life. This hasn't helped matters.

Am I right to be feeling as upset as I do or am I being over sensitive?

He is either ashamed of you or looking to get off with someone from work.
Neither of these scenarios are good.

RooneyMara Fri 10-May-13 10:35:57

Oh God this sounds awful.

I had a sort of boyfriend for a while who wanted me to help set up for his party, but then refused to speak to me or stand near me during it - I wasn't introduced to any of his friends.

I wasn't even officially his girlfriend, and we didn't have children. I am so sorry for you. He sounds horrible x

ouryve Fri 10-May-13 10:36:34

Definitely not over-sensitive. He's being a twat.

Dahlen Fri 10-May-13 10:37:00

Honestly? I'd be more than upset, I'd be leaving.

You have a child together and he hasn't introduced you to his friends or colleagues? I'm not surprised your confidence is at an all-time low. This man is making you feel completely superfluous to requirements.

Tell me, do you do all the housework? Does he continue his social life uninterrupted since having your child?

Yonihadtoask Fri 10-May-13 10:37:32

This is not good OP.

You aren't being over sensitive at all.

XP did stuff like this. Hence the X.

Hassled Fri 10-May-13 10:38:07

No, you're not being over sensitive - that's a shit way to treat someone you're meant to love and be committed to.

How are things apart from this - I mean do you generally get on, have a laugh together etc? I take it you've met his family etc?

NotTreadingGrapes Fri 10-May-13 10:38:43

The first part of your post I could understand his POV. Lads night out kind of birthday, fair enough. To be honest, I wouldn't want to be with mine when he's with his blokey mates. And mine has been at his current job for 2 yrs and I don't know any of his workmates.

but the reason he gave you for not wanting you there is not on. Does he often criticise you like that?

MMMarmite Fri 10-May-13 10:39:04

"I'm boring and ruin fun and apparently tell him off all the time." That's a really horrible thing to say. I'm not surprised you're upset.

I think it's okay for couples to sometimes want to socialise separately, but it's not like you are coming to every single social - this is your first time out in 2 years! I think he's being very unkind.

MMMarmite Fri 10-May-13 10:40:42

You say you are having confidence issues recently - I suspect this might be due to living with a man who doesn't value you and says cruel things to you.

Stubbed56 Fri 10-May-13 10:40:44

I think you should dump him. What's he going to be like after 15 years? Find someone who deserves you

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 10-May-13 10:41:16

This sounds horrible sad

I'd try to break it down.

First, I'd speak to him about how he's made you feel. Whether he feels like that or not, he should care that he's made you feel bad. It doesn't sound like he is. He doesn't sound at all sorry that he's hurt you. That's not good.

As for having a life of your own: do you? It sounds like he sees his friends as work as HIS friends, not YOUR friends collectively, and he doesn't want you to get to know them. That's not good, either. It suggests that either he hasn't told them about you, or that they are people that he knows you wouldn't like/approve of/get along with. That or he doesn't want you to be friends with his new work friends, and is trying desperately to keep his two lives separate.

Do you get chance to go out and meet new people? Would you want too? It's okay him saying that you need too, but if he doesn't actually give you chance, it counts for nothing. Are there clubs or exercise classes or anything nearby that you could meet new people, away from him?

pinkyredrose Fri 10-May-13 10:41:19

You've been with him 2 1/2 yrs and never met his friends? He says he can't relax around you!! That's totally unacceptable.

Has he met your friends and family OP? Do you live together?

Oh dear, OP sad - that's not good.

He says he can't relax around you???? Normal behaviour would be to encourage you to come along, not try to put you off with poor excuses and then blame you for being upset. Normal behaviour would be to see that mums with small babies need nights out! His workmates do know about you, don't they?

It all sounds pretty dodgy to me, I'm sorry.

And you are still with him because?.

Honestly I'd be leaving this immature manchild and make a life for yourself and your son without his daily malign presence in it. He's taking you for a complete ride.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 10:46:55

What an arse!!! I'd be telling him to piss off to his precious party, shut the door behind him and not bother coming home. You're 'too sensible'???

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 10:48:28

"I've been having a lot of confidence issues recently, I've never had such low confidence in my life. "

You don't have 'confidence issues', you have 'I live with an insulting, condescending prick issues'. Very easily resolved.

Numberlock Fri 10-May-13 10:49:46

This isn't even worth working on. (Where would you even start?)

Start making an exit plan.

First question - Do you own a home together?

NaggingGirlfriend Fri 10-May-13 11:00:15

Thanks everyone.

Il try and answer as many questions as possible.

Yes we do live together - we rent.

I don't have friends of my own any where near. I have made an effort to meet 2 people since I've moved though.

Its not an all male thing, he works with a mix of people and they will all be there and a lot of them will bring their dps. They definitely know about me.

Yes I do all the housework, sort all bills and do all childcare. Although he's not got a huge social life he has continued it since I've had my dd.

I've only met his mum and dad a handful of time but he has a huge family. Most of them live quite far away. Hes met all my family and a few of my friends when they can get time to come and visit.

Things aren't brilliant between us, they were but now he seems to be getting nastier every day. He smokes weed and when he isn't smoking it hes not nice to be around. He only really goes near me, makes eye contact and conversation when he smokes. He says he needs to smoke to deal with me sometimes.

I realise Im not painting a good picture but I have nowhere else to go.

PeppermintPasty Fri 10-May-13 11:02:51

Cogito beat me to it, he's an arse of the highest order. Immature and spiteful as well, to judge by the comments about you being boring etc.

How do you feel about telling him where to go?

BeCool Fri 10-May-13 11:02:58

I agree with other posters - there are 2 main issues here:
1. He has an ulterior motive for not wanting you at the party, possibly OW ; and
2. To put you down so horribly as a reason to keep you away from the party is disgraceful.

Is it a 'lads only' party? Do you think they are planning strip club or similar? Is that why he doest want you there but he's not being honest about the party.

If it's not a men only party (can't believe I just typed that) then you need to consider why he REALLY doesn't want you there.

OP this man doesn't have any respect for you at all. You are not being overly sensitive and living with such an arse I'm not surprised your confidence is very low.

What can you do to improve your confidence and assertiveness? Do you want to continue a relationship with someone who doesn't want to socialise with you?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 11:04:22

I'm sorry that you are in such a terrible situation and with such a horrible man. There are always options so please don't think you have nowhere to go. Womens Aid are really helpful for women like yourself who are being emotionally abused by their partners. They can give you a lot of practical information. CAB can help you with things like finances and benefits. I'm sure your parents would want to help if they knew how bad things were.

Please get yourself and your baby away from someone that clearly has no love or respect for you whatsoever.

PeppermintPasty Fri 10-May-13 11:04:33

oh x post. But the above still stands.

And he smokes weed. What a surprise. Sorry, he's a loser.

What about your family, can they help you?

NaggingGirlfriend Fri 10-May-13 11:11:16

I'm not sure about family. I don't really get along with them. I know my parents would take me in for a little bit but every time I'm home it really affects my mental health.

I don't feel like its enough to call womens aid. I had a relationship with a worse man before this one who used to my emotionally and physically abusive. This doesn't feel the same.

Wow, writing all this makes me feel like the loser. I've made some awful decisions and I'm only 23.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 11:15:15

It is plenty bad enough to call Womens Aid. Just because you've experienced worse than this, doesn't mean that what you're experiencing now isn't appalling. You don't have to have a black eye to be abused. If you were a cat, we'd be calling the RSPCA...

And you're not a loser. Yes, you've made a mistake getting into a relationship with this man but I'm guessing he wasn't always the way he is now? Abusive men are very manipulative, very difficult to spot in a crowded room and we've all made mistakes when we're young and naive. The trick is to recognise that he's the problem, not you..... and then to get shot of him.

Please call Womens Aid.

unebagpipe Fri 10-May-13 11:15:34

He sounds like a bit of a waster- and not someone you should be around. Sorry if that hurts, but if my DP said I couldn't come to a work do I'd be offended and surprised. Especially as other people's partners will be at the one that's being arranged for your DP.

It sounds as if he is the one who is "in charge" of this relationship and that you're not level pegging. That isn't how a relationship should work. In reality it should be a relationship of equals.

Try and speak to your parents. What do you think triggers your mental health issues when you stay with them?

looseleaf Fri 10-May-13 11:18:24

You are not a loser and this man isn't good for you. He is undermining your self-worth and dignity and you sound far far better than he is. I really don't think you should stay with him even if next steps are difficult. Can you set up on your own somehow rather than with family?

Lweji Fri 10-May-13 11:19:56

You should really get rid of this man now.

He will do his best to take your self confidence to the ground, and then it will be a lot harder to leave him.

He may be better than the other, but he's still no good for you.

Chubfuddler Fri 10-May-13 11:23:30

Your previous abusive relationship has skewed your twunt radar. Just because your current partner is less unpleasant than your last one doesn't make his behaviour ok.

NaggingGirlfriend Fri 10-May-13 11:28:34

No he wasn't like this when we met. Although I rushed into things with him, I felt he 'saved me' from my abusive ex.

I don't think I could speak to my parents about our relationship (between me and then not me and dp) A lot of horrible things happened to me when I was younger, including rape that went on for a week and even in my bed which is still in my room at home. My parents were quite emotionally abusive when I was younger and knew something was up but wouldn't let me talk to them about it. All of that just slaps me in the face when I'm back there.

I don't think I could set up on my own. I have very little money and I don't know how I'd cope being alone everyday.

TigerSwallowTail Fri 10-May-13 11:28:40

Do you still want to be with him?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 11:30:30

And please change your username. 'Nagging Girlfriend' is him talking and it is a pile of crap that is only serving to crush your spirit. What you are in reality is a responsible, intelligent, hard-working adult woman. A good mother with high personal standards & who could do a lot better than to stay saddled with an irresponsible, abusive and offensive excuse for a man.

So change your username to something that is 'you' and not his twisted version of you.

mummytime Fri 10-May-13 11:32:44

Please phone Women's aid, they will help you. You cannot go back to your parents, but equally you need to get rid of your P.

I would then suggest you do not get involved with anyone for a while, and get yourself some counselling and maybe do the Freedom Program. You need to learn to set boundaries, to gain self-esteem and to learn new ways of living and thinking.

You can do it!

rootypig Fri 10-May-13 11:33:43

Oh OP, you are not a loser! please don't say or think that sad

You sound strong and capable in so many ways - you take care of your DD, the house, the bills. And you are here and talking about it, which takes awareness and courage.

I agree that you should get out as soon as you can. This man is emotionally abusive, he is undermining you, and you say he is "getting nastier every day". That's scary. There is help to support you to move on. Talk to Women's Aid, if you can, even just an initial chat to get a picture of what support they can offer, and what other services there are that you can use. Or if you have a decent SureStart centre near you with a benefits drop in clinic that might seem like a less overwhelming place to start? These services can support you - emotionally and practically - to protect yourself and DD, and can advise you about housing, benefits, jobs, childcare.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 11:33:43

"I don't think I could set up on my own. I have very little money and I don't know how I'd cope being alone everyday."

Yes you can. There is a lot of help available for women in your situation. There is emergency accommodation, state benefits and you can even talk to your GP about counselling if you don't have friends and family to fall back on for emotional support. There's even MN!

Being alone every day is preferable to being in a relationship with someone who despises you. You'd have your child and, because he wasn't around constantly nit-picking and criticising, you'd start to have the confidence to get out, make friends, get a job and everything else.

Please call Womens Aid .... 0808 2000 247

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 10-May-13 11:36:01

You're not a loser! Don't say that about yourself. It sounds to me like you have very low self esteem, and he is taking advantage of that.

He is trying to blame you for everything, when it's not your fault.

Have you had counselling?

I have been in a similar situation, and I can honestly say I am much happier on my own.

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 10-May-13 11:38:38

This is really sad, he's done a right number on you.

Your not a looser at all, many people make relationship choices that turn abusive. Just because he's not beating you doesn't mean he's not an abusive arse. I found emotional abuse and put downs worse in some ways than the physical abuse ( I made many many bad choices)

Phone women's aid, they should be able to support you in some way. I found them lovely and really helpful.

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 10-May-13 11:39:17

*loser even!

MMMarmite Fri 10-May-13 11:41:58

I'm so sorry about the way your parents treated you.

Women's aid could help you set up on your own, you can call and ask what help is available without having to commit to anything.

I too think being alone every day would be better for you than being with a partner who emotionally abuses you. And you're likely to find that once he's out of your life, it's easier for you to make friends and keep in touch with your old friends.

wordfactory Fri 10-May-13 11:44:05

OP it sounds like he doesn't like you one bit and frankly I can't see any reason why you would like him either! He sounds horrid!

Don't stick around for someone who has a low regard for you, and so few redeeming features.

NaggingGirlfriend Fri 10-May-13 11:49:24

I've had counselling. Lots of it. I stopped it when I got pregnant though.

I don't think I can bring myself to phone women's aid. I feel embarrassed and I get really flustered on the phone. I will email them though.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 11:52:32

E-mail is a great idea. You could even post a link to this thread if it helps illustrate what's been happening. Why did you stop the counselling when you got pregnant?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 10-May-13 11:53:18

23 you have so much life ahead of you and a lovely DD to share it with, the time spent with Dopey will fade into insignificance. Give WA a call they'll give you advice and the wings to get up and away.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 11:53:40

BTW... you realise he probably hasn't told the people he works with that he's even in a relationship? What does he do for a living?

ItsAFuckingVase Fri 10-May-13 11:54:17

I'd say there's nothing wrong with not having partners along to nights out with colleagues. I'm the only woman in my department and we have nights / days out to which partners have never been invited. I'm not ashamed of or hiding anything from my DH, and would be happy for him to meet my workmates - just not in that setting.

However, the way in which your DP justified himself or explained himself was not on at all.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 10-May-13 11:57:03

PS NaggingGirlfriend is a misnomer you could qualify as LovelyCapablePersonPlusDD.

MMMarmite Fri 10-May-13 12:23:02

ItsAFuckingVase the OP has said that other people at the party will be bringing partners.

OP, an email sounds great.

And you are not a loser - you have survived an emotionally abusive childhood, you have got yourself counselling (a huge achievement in my view, I know how painful counselling can be), you have given birth to a beautiful daughter, and you are clearly very capable as you sort out all the bills, housework and childcare. That's a huge amount to accomplish by 23 years old.

Sunnywithshowers Fri 10-May-13 12:28:51


You have loads of time to turn your life around, I promise. I left a hideously abusive XH at 29, and my next relationship was with someone a bit less abusive. I got out of that at 33.

It sounds like you had a horrible start, and your 'D'P is carrying on the work started by your parents. Big hugs and flowers

I agree with finding out about what you can claim in benefits and so on and contacting Woman's Aid - email sounds like a good idea if you can't face the phone.

I agree with others about changing your name - I'm sure you're not a 'nagging girlfriend', that's the kind of crap men come out with when they're caught out being shitty. How about something like Lifewillbebetter

Or "kickedthearsebadgertothekerb"
Too US ?

IDeserveBetter Fri 10-May-13 13:20:17

I'm back with a new name.

So I emailed womens aid. I feel a bit weird about it, I can imagine that the person who receives it will think I'm being a drama queen.

Dp called me on his lunch break just after I sent the email (He rings me on every break at work, even though Id prefer him not to as he just moans). He was acting like nothing had happened and was very chirpy. When he asked how I was I told him that I was still really upset about what he said last night. He said 'what part' and then when I explained he replied with 'well I'm sorry that YOU took it that way.' I told him that was a terrible apology and yet again making it seem like I'm the one with the problem.

I reiterated just how he is destroying my confidence and that I deserved better and he agreed. It wont last though, he only agrees to shut me up.

Thanks for the support.

Oh the weasel non-apology.
DH tried that once.
It didn't go down well.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 13:33:24

Excellent new name smile BTW... if you don't want to talk to him on his breaks just screen your calls. There is no law that you have to pick up.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 10-May-13 13:33:40

<Applauds n/c>

The old "I'm sorry you did xyz", neat deflection. Half arsed apology or not, he still didn't invite you along.

Anyway glad you emailed WA. Reaching out isn't about proving how deserving you are or otherwise.

Sunnywithshowers Fri 10-May-13 13:38:41

Hurrah for name change and email <applauds>

Anniegetyourgun Fri 10-May-13 14:01:14

One reason why he might not want you around his workmates is not because they wouldn't like you, but because he is afraid they would. One wonders what he's told them about this boring girlfriend who insists on him ringing every lunchtime (!) and keeps him on a tight leash - and then you turn up and you're not like that at all, in fact you're rather nice, and they look at him kind of hmm. That's my theory.

And what a crap excuse for an apology, I mean how is someone supposed to take "you're boring, you ruin fun, you tell me off all the time" and the rest of it - as a compliment? There is no positive way of taking a jolly speech like that. You just have to hold onto the thought that it says a lot more about him than it does about you.

Gillian1980 Fri 10-May-13 14:26:45

If it was a case of him having a "work night out" with colleagues then I would have said I could understand not wanting you to go - it wouldn't occur to me to have my DH come out with me on a work night out.

BUT, to be so rude and abusive towards you is totally unacceptable. The "reasons" he gave for not wanting you there are not on at all.

I would find it very difficult to remain in a relationship with somebody who can treat me with such disrespect and cruelty.

ponygirlcurtis Fri 10-May-13 14:49:40

OP, I emailed WA because I couldn't face phoning them, felt that my situation wasn't 'abusive' enough. They were nothing short of brilliant. And, of course, helped me to see that my H was absuive (along with MN). Hopefully you'll get a reply soon.

FWIW, all the things he's coming out with are standard 'abusive man speak'. If you are up for it, there's a thread for people who are being emotionally abused (now on No. 21), and it has lots of really useful links in the OP. Have a read, see if you recognise your P or your situation anywhere, and post if you feel like it.

kneedeepindaisies Fri 10-May-13 14:58:58

Hi OP, you have got some brilliant advice already and please keep posting so that we can help you.

I just want to say you are not a loser. You are 23 with a beautiful dd and your whole life ahead of you.

Just posting here, emailing Women's Aid, changing to a more positive name and telling your DP his apology was rubbish, shows how brave and strong you can be.

Thumbwitch Fri 10-May-13 15:04:51

So sorry your DP is being a wanker.
Which he most definitely is, and it's (IMO) most likely because he is either after another woman at work, or is already having a "thing" with a woman at work.
Well done for emailing WA, and for namechanging to a better one!
I really hope it's nothing - but all the blaming of you for everything sounds pretty shit anyway - so perhaps start making plans to be on your own with your DD?

Helltotheno Fri 10-May-13 15:25:54

OP I'm not going to say this guy is an abusive twat yet but what I will say is that he's not good for your confidence.

But also, you need to bear in mind that confidence and self-esteem have to come from you yourself within and take some time to build. By the sounds of it, you've been 'saved' from a twunt by another potential twunt. But you haven't been saved you, you can only save yourself. Maybe you don't see it yet, but you're well able to save yourself.

So what I suggest is that you leave this guy behind and concentrate on building your own life, relationship-free, for at least three years. Build a large and dependable circle of friends and take up some new hobbies. You're young and now is not the time to be narrowing your circle of support to one unsupportive man. They say that as we grow older, our circle of true friends dwindles. What hope is there if you've no circle at all to dwindle?

A separate point is, his colleagues/their nights out etc, is not the best place for you to start looking for friends. I rarely go out on DH's work nights because a) I know they'll probably have much more fun without BFs/GFs etc because when I worked in big companies, that was always the case, and b) they're not my friends/colleagues, they're his. It's different if it's a big dinner dance thingy where partners are expected.

In general, do you have a problem with your partners going out without you?

Regarding the nagging thing, it's just a negative label isn't it? But.... in saying that.... do you feel that you could be over-dependent on him in terms of outlets etc, which might lead to some of your comments? I could be completely wrong.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Fri 10-May-13 15:33:09

I like your new name, OP!

I hope Women's Aid have some useful things to say. I'm sure they will. If you don't want to phone them, can you go in and talk to them in person? (sorry, I don't know how Women's Aid works).

Everyone's said it all already really, but you are not a loser, he is behaving like an arsewipe and you DO deserve better. Helltotheno's advice above is spot on, I think; concentrate on your own life and your own friends and your confidence just might improve.

You certainly don't need this man in your life. thanks

makemineamalibuandpineapple Fri 10-May-13 15:39:47

Idiot. I had a bf for a short period of time like this who never invited me anywhere. One of the few times he did, I went to his house where he had a few people over. He didn't talk to me and barely looked at me all night. I felt like crap. I wished I had just left and gone home but it was late at night and I had no money for a taxi and didn't know which bus to get. He sounds like a right waste of space.

Oh, he is abusive all right. Unfortunately men like him have a special sense for women like the OP, who have had hideous abuse in previous relationships. This wanky little dopehead probably won't progress to beating the OP, but he has chosen her because (perhaps subconsciously in part) he sees that he can treat her with contempt and use her as a housekeeper, and prop up his ego with jokes at her expense, because she's had her boundaries and self-esteem messed up already.

Start making plans to dump him, OP, both WA and us lot are here to help and advise. And when he's gone promise yourself that you will avoid men, romance and sex for at least a year and do the Freedom Programme, or you will go from arsehole man to arsehole man, just a different type of arseholery each time. Best of luck.

OH, the contact-with-DC issue... he sounds like one of those who will vanish after a year or so.

RooneyMara Fri 10-May-13 18:18:46

Makemine - when that happened to me, I ignored him back, talked to a few nice people, and ended up going to sleep on the floor upstairs - I hear one of his friends ask him who the 'pretty' girl asleep was, I think that embarrassed him a bit, and then I got off with his brother grin blush

OP he really does sound very unkind. I think you'd be happier without him.

CabbageLeaves Fri 10-May-13 18:23:11

OP you deserve far better than this man. You don't have to make him change. You don't have to stay with him. You won't change him and he is just using you. Leave and find a life for yourself and DD where you regain your confidence and love yourself

ElizaDoLots Fri 10-May-13 21:46:13

I haven't read your replies, but I think it probably depends whether you really do 'tell him off' all the time. If you do, then I can imagine it would be a bit embarrassing for him. If not, YANBU.

BadLad Sat 11-May-13 15:52:24

I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting partners at a work party, but he certainly made his point like a twat.

ImperialBlether Sat 11-May-13 16:09:44

ElizaDoLots, what is the point in not reading the OP's posts?

IDeserveBetter Sat 11-May-13 16:54:53

This is a horrible Saturday. He came home yesterday and he told me quite calmly that he doesn't respect me. He can't pin point when he stopped respecting me exactly but he thinks it was when I was quite depressed and getting therapy when we first met. I dont understand why he decided to propose and have a child with me when he didn't respect me.
He's sulking quite a bit today. He says he's trying to avoid me. I wish I could run away.

Sunnywithshowers Sat 11-May-13 16:59:58

Big hugs lovely xxx

Nagoo Sat 11-May-13 17:10:02

He's saying, quite calmly, whatever he can think of to make you feel like shit. He's sitting around thinking up ways to try to destroy you.

What the fuck is wrong with the man?

Op you do deserve better thanks

Nagoo Sat 11-May-13 17:11:44

Oh and the bit about therapy making him lose respect for you is to try and shut off counselling for you, to reduce your options and make you think that seeking help is weak.

He's a devious fucker.

wonderstuff Sat 11-May-13 17:20:54

What a complete cock. You won't be able to fix him or make him be. Nice to you, because you aren't the problem, there is nothing wrong with you, he is an arsehole and he has the issue. I doubt he will ever have a good loving long term relationship, he will always project this failing onto his partner, but the problem lies with him.

Do you have any rl friends you can go see, anywhere you can go to be away from him for the day, he sounds very toxic to be near.

Lweji Sat 11-May-13 17:45:12

I wish I could run away.

Trust that feeling. You do need to get away.

Hissy Sat 11-May-13 17:54:54

Sweety, he is ticking off the ticks in the abusive arsehole list.

He has now gaslighted you and is now blaming YOU for everything that is wrong with HIM...

What a sad little man.

PLEASE look at your nickname every day and believe it. you really DO deserve better than someone who:

Doesn't deserve you
says that you are boring and ruin fun
and that he has to drug himself to put up with you.

Sorry, but what an absolute C*nt!

Please go and get yourself a copy of Why Does He Do That?

Please don't give up on yourself? Please do this for your DC, and for your future.

please leave this utter arsehole.

Keep telling yourself you deserve better - you DO.


I hope WA are a good help?

You can do it on your own. Talk to a lone parent advisor at the job centre. They were a great help to me when I left exdh.

Save yourself, save your child, get out. You don't deserve this. He did not save you, he took advantage of a vulnerable person.sad you CAN go it alone. It will be hard, but it will be worth it. He may not respect you, but try to respect yourself and don't allow this pig to treat you this way any longer sad

exoticfruits Sat 11-May-13 18:22:44

Pregnantpause has said it all - there is nothing to add.

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 11-May-13 18:24:39

You can get out, and we can help you think of a plan.

Do you have access to money at all? Do you have your own bank account and would you want to return to work or stay at home with your DD if you had the choice and he wasn't in the picture?

IDeserveBetter Sun 12-May-13 13:18:57

yonibotts I don't have much money, Ive got 2 of my own bank accounts with very little money in - I work freelance but don't have much time to do that right now because of DD so have only made about £2000 since she was born. I wanted to stay at home with dd until shes at preschool age, I guess I wouldn't be able to do that.

Hes been just as bad today and says hes only here because he doesn't know what else to do. Hes on the phone to his mum at the moment as I think hes planning on leaving us and living with his parents again.

Good let him go. You'll be ok I promise.

Ring the job centre tomorrow and ask to speak to a lone parent advisor.

IDeserveBetter Sun 12-May-13 16:17:52

Well hes gone now. He says hes just going for a few days to clear his head so we can talk but I'm fed up of him being in control of when we talk and what we do.

I'm going back to my parents for a bit so I can try and work a few things out. I feel surprisingly level headed and calm.

Thanks again for the support.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 12-May-13 16:20:23

Here we go, re-writing history, just to try and justify to himself he can excuse his shitty behaviour. Whatever. Mind he doesn't appropriate anything of value that belongs to you. When he goes back to mummy and daddy's, be sure and tell the council you are sole adult occupant to get a discount.

Btw you said his birthday is imminent, if you'd already got him a gift take it back and get a full refund.

MrsMaryCooper Sun 12-May-13 16:22:15

You really are better off without him. Going back to you parents sounds like a good start.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 12-May-13 16:24:54

As long as they are supportive that's good, OP.

Thumbwitch Sun 12-May-13 16:25:01

Are both of you on the rental agreement? Or just one of you? What happens if you both leave the property? you need to find this stuff out, so you know what could happen, what to do about it and so on.

I think you'd be well rid of this cockhead, to be honest - he sounds like a twat and I still think there's a reasonable chance he has his eye on someone else at work, if he's not already cheating on you.

Talk to your parents at least and see if they have any useful advice.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 12-May-13 17:52:16

It's possible to be a lone parent and stay at home, the law does not require you to start looking for work until your child is school age, and you could carry on doing your freelance stuff around her if and when you can to build up your experience/portfolio or whatever as she gets older.

Are you sure you want to go back to your parents after what you said upthread? I'm concerned for you and don't want you to end up feeling like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place in terms of options.If you are rea

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 12-May-13 18:00:37

I cant post at the moment because of thisstupid pphone, but you have options outside of staying with him or going to your parents. Neither of those ate oosgood options for you based on what you have posted gere. You do gave other choices.

Glad you're feeling calm.

Corygal Sun 12-May-13 19:31:40

Well done - it prob feels like the opposite, but you're making progress. I reckon he realised the wormed has turned, and he's bolting in fear. (Bullies are cowards, see.)

Thank the Lord he's on the move, I was worried from your posts that he'd be a bugger to get rid off.

One less barrier between you and a better life.

FarBetterNow Sun 12-May-13 19:34:51

I love you new name.

The weed is a major problem.

It can make them so bloody moody and nastily sarcastic.

But you are better off without him anyway.

MrsWilliamBodie Sun 12-May-13 20:58:23

I'd bet good money that, since you've been seeking help on here, he's noticed a change in your manner - you're showing a tiny bit of strength maybe. By his going to his parents, he's hoping that you'll break and beg for him to come back.

You do deserve better and you are so young. I was 30 before I got rid of my abusive manchild - you've got a 7 year head start.

ElizaDoLots Sun 12-May-13 21:01:49

ImperialBlether I didn't have time to read all the OP's replies - but the ones I did read seemed not to take into account the point I made. OK?

SirChenjin Sun 12-May-13 21:05:43

You are not a loser - he is the loser. A big fat loser with bells on. You are only 23, you have your whole life ahead of you and it will be a wonderful one. Somewhere down the line there is a man who is waiting for you, and he will be kind and loving and will adore you.

The one you are with at the moment sounds utterly vile. Please - do as others have said, pack your bags and you and your baby get the hell away. What you describe in your OP is just awful sad

Do you have family or friends you could go to?

AnyFucker Sun 12-May-13 21:12:18

IDB, you sound way better than this twat...emotionally and intellectually

he is way beneath you, believe me

and what sgb said

AndMiffyWentToSleep Sun 12-May-13 21:15:36

You said you do all the housework, sort all the bills and do all the childcare. Sounds like you'll cope absolutely brilliantly without him.
It sounds like he's run away now he's realised you won't put up with the awful way he speaks to you. I'm glad you're not willing to let him take control of everything!

ponygirlcurtis Sun 12-May-13 21:36:31

Hey OP, how are you feeling now?

If it's any help, I am also a freelancer earning a v small amount, and I left my abusive FW of a H when DS2 was 5 months old. I work when DS2 sleeps and in the evenings. I get help from housing benefit and child tax credits - have you looked at how much you will be entitled to? Plus, of course, you'll be entitled to maintenance from him. PM me if you want any more info from me.

thefoxandtherose Sun 12-May-13 23:05:15

Sounds like my XH, OP. I too wasn't allowed to meet his colleagues or go to any work related events. Turns out it was because he was shagging one or more of his female colleagues.

Whenever I kicked up a fuss about the various unreasonable things he did, he'd follow the same script as your 'D'P and would threaten to move out or actually move out for a night or two. Eventually on one of these occasions I told him not to come back, and my problems were solved. Funnily enough I was your age with a child of a similar age. You will really be ok on your own with your DC, please don't put up with this draining man any longer.

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 13-May-13 00:09:51

What I wanted to say earlier is you have options. I can see these options for you:

Stay in the house and he leaves. It looks like this may be happening for you currently although of course you're then stuck if he decides he wants to come back. However, it may be possible to take legal action to keep him out of the house. Of course with this option you need to work out if you can afford the house alone. It may be worth posting a thread just about money and what you may or may not be able to claim as a student.

Your second option would be to move out and find a place of your own. The big drawback is this requires money, quite a hefty amount of money in backup - around £2000 ideally, assuming you live outside of London. And then you need to pay rent etc.

However, as you're a student, with this option in mind, it might be worth contacting the university's housing/accommodation department. They often have a small amount of on campus or near campus housing for students or staff with children which they can rent out to you, if you explain the situation they may be in a position to help and they will hopefully be familiar with the grants/loans/benefits situation.

Another option, of course, is to stay with him and keep the status quo, which can seem like the easy option. I think you know what this is like already so I won't go into details.

So, what happens if you don't want to stay but he won't leave and you don't have the money to go, or the opportunity to save it, perhaps the uni can't help or the deposit is just as expensive. If you don't have friends who would put you up until you get into your feet or don't feel comfortable or safe at your parents'. If you are genuinely stuck and can't see a way out of the situation, women's aid can help you. They can house you temporarily until you get back onto your feet. There is always a way and don't ever feel like your only real option is to stay because it's not.

Presumably, he assumes that while he is 'clearing his head' you will be literally holding the baby. I imagine he thinks this because he doesn't factor you or the baby into his oh so important because it's him plans.

You're good enough to raise his child but not good enough to party with him. What a Prince.

You do deserve better.

IDeserveBetter Thu 16-May-13 18:44:41

Sorry I've not posted for a while.

I did decide to go to stay at my parents house for a bit with dd. It really wasn't such a good idea though and I regret it now.

My mum came to pick us up (I don't drive and we had a lot of baby equipment to take) and in the car on the way there I started mentioning the things that had gone on with dp. Her response was 'Well you cant blame him, you BOTH have to work at it.' I was a bit confused as I had been working hard at this relationship and asked her to expand on that. She told me that maybe he would respect me if I did more for him by doing my part, adding that 'not to be rude but your house was a complete state just now.'

My house wasn't a state, just a few crumbs on the table, and a bit of washing up on the side. Ok, I hadn't made sure everything was spotless for her arrival, but surely a loving and caring parent would realise that as things are at the moment, I have more important things on my mind.

She brought it up a lot when I was there. She thinks I should make sure he's happy by coming home to a spotless house. I shouldn't make him do the washing up after I cook as its not fair on the poor man apparently. I also shouldn't tell him if he's done something to upset me as he shouldn't have to hear me criticizing him.

I'm confused and doubting myself completely now.

Dp is coming home tonight so we can talk tomorrow. We've not spoken since he left on Sunday.

IDeserveBetter Thu 16-May-13 18:46:38

Oh I forgot to add that yoniBotts thanks for all that, you've been very supportive, I'm not a student though.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 16-May-13 19:02:10

Ouch that was what I wondered about, just how supportive your parents might be.

It's not a blame game, trying to figure out what's going wrong, and in any case this from your mother is one of those did-she-really-just-say-that-and-mean-it moments:
I also shouldn't tell him if he's done something to upset me as he shouldn't have to hear me criticizing him.

I'm surprised she didn't follow that up by "You made your bed now lie in it" or even "I don't know how he puts up with you" hmm.

See what he says, has he anything fresh to add, or will it be a repeat of the other day.

I also shouldn't tell him if he's done something to upset me as he shouldn't have to hear me criticizing him. Put up and shut up, then. How sad.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Thu 16-May-13 19:37:00

Sounds like she is advocating being a surrendered wife. Bonkers, in my opinion.
Hope the talk goes ok tonight.

AnyFucker Thu 16-May-13 19:45:30

Do you want to end up like your mother ?

Find your backbone. You have one, we all do

YoniBottsBumgina Thu 16-May-13 21:54:46

I'm sorry OP, I must have confused you with another poster or something blush I don't know why I thought you were a student. In fact though it makes things easier because if you have a straightforward situation (working between 16 and 29 hours per week, or not working at all, and not needing childcare for any other reason) the benefits you can claim are adequate to support a basic standard of living with enough wiggle room that you don't go completely crazy. And please don't feel guilty if you end up claiming benefits for a while. That is whattthe system is there for - so that you don't have to be stuck in a situation which is becoming intolerable.

YoniBottsBumgina Thu 16-May-13 22:03:52

Your mother is wrong, wrong, wrong BTW. And you know this - you knew it earlier in the thread when you recalled that going to your parent's is ALWAYS a stressful experience which negatively affects your self esteem. Please be kind to yourself. If the relationship ends this is not a failure. You are not personally responsible for its success and you never were it will be. Ending this could just be the best damn thing you ever do, not a failure, far from it.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Thu 16-May-13 22:56:24

Your mother's talking bollocks.

Listen to MN instead. grin

MoominsYonisAreScary Thu 16-May-13 23:49:21

Your mother is totally nuts

Thumbwitch Fri 17-May-13 00:31:06

Your mother is stuck in the repressed-woman timewarp of the oft-mentioned 1950s. Tell her to stick her antiquated notions up her arse, quite frankly.

BOLLOCKS to the idea that a few crumbs on the table etc. validate his arse-like behaviour. And BOLLOCKS to the idea of you doing the "surrendered wifey" shit.

Don't go back there while she's that unsupportive - I bet she thinks that "any man is better than no man" as well, doesn't she. Daft.

Your Mom was giving advice from the 50's. Total bollocks.
Did she also suggest you spruce yourself up and hand him his slippers, pipe and a whiskey when he comes in from work, and make sure Dd is clean and happy to greet her father, then leave, because kids should be seen but not heard?

Mimishimi Fri 17-May-13 00:39:30

I don't think I could stay with someone who admitted to seeing me like that. I'm sorry .... it's one thing to say it's really only a work do, quite another to say you're a boring nag who would ruin his fun [sock]

Mimishimi Fri 17-May-13 00:40:06

That was meant to be shock

garlicgrump Fri 17-May-13 00:47:21

Your mother's an arse! The odds are, she undermined your confidence making you an easy target for Abuser No.1 and Second Abuser, who is now showing his stripes. This isn't your fault but you can break out of it - and you have a lovely DD, which is a great reason to sort out a more confident, loser-free life.

My husband acted like he didn't want to know me at our wedding reception. Does that sound bad to you? Yours is just as bad.

springymater Fri 17-May-13 00:57:53

I think that's being rather kind to say she is talking out of the 1950s. it sounds to me that she picked on you and pulled you down when you were vulnerable.

Is it any wonder you have so far had 2 abusive relationships? sad

My guess is that your P has done a flit for a few days to teach you that you shouldn't give him a hard time. I'm wondering if you find it hard to be by yourself (with your dd)? Perhaps someone somewhere (guess who...) has convinced you you're crap and unable to do anything yourself. But what I see is a woman who is bringing up a child, runs every aspect of a home, endures a waste of space feckless and abusive partner and runs her own business. Sounds pretty spectacular if you ask me.

You do know that you don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse, yes? I was never hit - he was too clever for that - but I was the same blob you are now by the time I crawled out of that marriage. I thought I was a fraud because I had never been hit; but when I finally met other women who were survivors of domestic abuse and had been hit, they all said they'd be hit any day than the torture of emotional abuse and neglect. So there you have it. Hopefully you'll hear soon from WA, who will reassure you and support you moving forward.

Just out of interest: what sort of life do you have anyway if he smokes all the money away? he is more than useless. Please don't listen to any 'lists' he may produce about how awful you are - PLEASE don't listen, or let him get started on a 'list'.

oh, and he 'saved' you from your abusive relationship? Recognised that someone else had done the work of grinding you down, more like.

You deserve better my darling xx

Rockinhippy Fri 17-May-13 01:40:53

I've not followed the whole thread, but you've already had lots of great advice & you most certainly

DO deserve better, better from him AND your Motherhmm I'm not surprised you have ended up in abusive relationships it is what your foundations are based on, so tanks to your parents, its what you feel safe with- you feel safe blaming yourself when you are not to blame at all - here's where all that stops, that power is in YOUR hands - you can do it & life does get better once YOU take control & stop listening to their bullshit

You AND your DD deserve better, don't let her grow up seeing the beaten down abused you as her role model for her grown up self & future relationships - give her something better than that - you CAN do that for her & you flowers

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 17-May-13 09:29:37

Wondering how you are today OP.

IDeserveBetter Wed 05-Jun-13 12:17:00


Sorry its taken me a while to come back here.

What happened since is that he did come back. I waited all day for him to get out of bed and talk to me about his decisions. He had nothing, although he said he wanted to change and he would. I thought at least it will give me some time to get money together and figure out how to leave.

He of course was on weed and things seemed ok for the next few days after that until he ran out and he was back to being a nasty bastard.

Fast forward to last night and I found out that hes been visiting causal encounter sites to have sex with local women. He said he was just curious and that he didn't join (I checked his email in forgotten password sections of the sites and nothing came up, he could have used a secret email ad though) I'm obviously furious and upset. He said I'm overreacting and jumping to conclusions. Hes not at all sorry, he once again just said 'Im sorry that you have taken it that way'

I found out through the benefit adviser that I could possibly afford to stay in this house which Im really glad about. I'm going back to my parents house today to get away from him and make all the necessary arrangements. Hes agreed to move out before I get back.

I'm really scared of being on my own. This will be the first time I've not been with anyone since I was 13. I'm worried I wont be able to cope with dd on my own.

ladyjadie Wed 05-Jun-13 13:19:52

Glad you came back, and I'm sorry your ex has continued to be a twat. It's just the worst when you are genuinely upset over something for a valid reason (and with his behaviour it definitely is valid to be) and they act like they've done nothing wrong. Hugs and strength to you.

specialsubject Wed 05-Jun-13 13:25:49

loser alert. BTW you can go out and meet people without alcohol, that's a rubbish excuse.

but from the drip feed it is clear that you are on a hiding to nothing. LTB. You are wasting your life.

specialsubject Wed 05-Jun-13 13:26:59

and I've just seen it gets worse! Leave him before he gives you an STD, some of which are not curable.

you can be on your own. You are an adult. He's of negative use.

good luck.

comingintomyown Wed 05-Jun-13 17:17:20

What did your Mum have to say about his weed habit ?

You will be fine on your own OP , it will be hard for a while but each step takes you closer to a peaceful happier life. In due course you may meet someone , you are sooooo young ! In the meantime think of the earlier advice to consciously remain single and sort yourself out , be happy yourself dont look to a man to make you happy it doesnt work

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 05-Jun-13 17:18:54

Oh OP I'm sorry to hear that sad

You will be fine, you really will. It will take time to get used to "a new normal" but being on your own can really be great and a positive thing.

MadBusLady Wed 05-Jun-13 19:06:44

Hello IDB, I've just read your whole thread. I'm so sorry you've been entangled with this twat and really glad to read he's going! You WILL cope fine on your own. Your DS will probably absorb your time at first anyway, but for the first time you won't be cooking/cleaning/running after a man who's horrible to you.

Also, get yourself to the GUM clinic and get checked for STDs, love. It's very likely he has had sex with these women, he will only ever admit to as little as he can get away with.

I suppose you have to go to your parents house to make arrangements away from him, but from what you said about them before they sound nuts unhelpful. I would avoid taking them fully into your confidence and take anything they say with a pinch of salt. It seems likely your mum will find some way to disapprove of you for the relationship breaking down. She's bonkers and wrong, ignore her. Have you got any old trusted friends you could call to get you through this? This does qualify as an emergency, please reach out to anyone you trust.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 05-Jun-13 19:26:39

No need to be scared of being on your own, IDB - as other posters have said, you have been doing all that's required to run your and DDs life perfectly capably with no meaningful help - just keep doing what you're doing, plus the tax credits/benefits help you can claim , and remember - the life you build is great, and you only allow someone who enhances it to come and join you! You're not easy prey for a predatory male....

SimLondon Wed 05-Jun-13 23:35:26

Hugs NG, it sounds like this guy is a controlling type - smoking weed in the same house as a baby isnt good to begin with but if its heavy weed smoking then that can cause paranoia.

I to think you should call women's aid, get some support from them -

your not a loser, we all make bad choices particularly when we are young but things change and get better :-)

Please have a chat if nothing else with womens aid the number is 0808 2000 247 email is

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