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Please help me, I can't go on feeling like this

(37 Posts)
Duckingpanels Thu 09-May-13 20:41:20

I'm a regular poster but have name changed.

I'm fantasising about my BIL. My DH's brother. I know this is horrible, I feel awful about it but I can't help myself. I regularly see BIL as I look after my DNs 3x a week, BIL is a lone parent.

I think about him all the time, not about leaving DH just having sex with BIL. I am totally aware that acting on this would rip my close family apart but Im making myself ill feeling like this. I can't sleep or eat, I'm so infatuated. I don't think I'd be able to control myself if I were to find myself alone with BIL.

I know how horrible a person it makes me.

DH and I have not got a good sex life, he says he is tired, usually comes home from work then falls asleep. No intimacy, he doesn't hold or kiss me. Haven't had sex for 9 months.

LEMisdisappointed Thu 09-May-13 20:44:42

The issue is between you and your DH, quite frankly, if your BIL was the milkman and he showed you some decency im sure you would be just as infatuated - because you are lonely and unhappy, not because you are some sort of trollop i hasten to add!

Are there other stresses going at the moment that are making your DH like this? Do you have children?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Thu 09-May-13 20:44:44

Oh dear! You do know that you absolutely cannot act on your feelings.

I would start to try and repair the relationship that you are in. Have you spoken to your husband about how unhappy you are with your relationship?

Duckingpanels Thu 09-May-13 20:47:47

Yes, we have 3DC, BIL has 2DC. No other stresses I don't think.

I've tried to talk to DH, he says he does love me. Ive asked for some show of affection, even a hug and kiss when he comes home. he'll do it for a week and then it all goes back to normal. But he never ever shows it. I can't live with a sexless marriage.

Duckingpanels Thu 09-May-13 20:56:26

It femm

chocmallow Thu 09-May-13 21:08:19

Oh OP you CANNOT go there!!

My infatuation led to an EA and although my marriage was over the discovery of it led to so much more pain.

This is your husbands brother!!! The fallout would be nuclear. Do you want to fix your marriage? Even if you decided you can't fix it your BIL is a total no-go area.

Dahlen Thu 09-May-13 21:09:09

You need to tackle this on two fronts I think.

1. Recognise that your infatuation with your BIL is mostly because he's available (lone parent) and he reflect what you desire with your DH (he's similar because they're related). It's not because BIL is particularly wonderful (though I'm sure he's lovely). Infatuation/lust/love are mostly a product of hormones and they are triggered more by how we feel about ourselves when we are with that person than they are actually by the person themselves. It's why so many affairs fizzle out when people leave their marriages for them and realise it wasn't true love they were leaving for but the false image they had of themselves when they were with the person they lusted after. Keep rationalising that and, eventually, those hormones WILL pass and you will be able to look at BIL wondering what on earth you were thinking of. You'll be very glad then that you didn't give in to them. wink

2. Recognise that your marriage is leaving you feel deeply unfulfilled at the moment and it's time for drastic action. That means making your DH's life uncomfortable and spelling it out to him in no uncertain terms. Far less uncomfortable for him to learn you are deeply unhappy than it would be for him to be served divorce papers or find you having an affair. Don't just have a rant - ask him for his input about where he thinks you've gone wrong as a couple and what he would like to do about it - but make it very clear that your marriage is in dangerous territory and it needs saving NOW.

Good luck.

CrapBag Thu 09-May-13 21:19:38

Could your BIL or anyone else have your kids for a night and you and DH go away, talk and just spend some time together? Sounds like you are feeling very neglected, your DH is over tired so not in the mood and you are projecting your feelings onto the nearest available male.

Can you try and get your DH to talk about the lack of sex when he is not so tired? Obviously don't tell him about your feelings wrt to BIL but he should be aware that there is a problem that clearly needs fixing.

Duckingpanels Thu 09-May-13 21:32:44

I've tried to speak to DH, my mum has babysat so we can go out but we don't seem to have anything to talk about. I try but he just doesn't seem interested in what I have to say. It's heartbreaking, I feel like I bore him.

I do know I could never act on my feelings to BIL. But I can't stop thinking about him. I'm supposed to be babysitting for my DNs next weekend, staying in spare room but I don't think I could stop myself behaving innapropriatley if BIL were to be around when DNs asleep.

CrapBag Thu 09-May-13 21:35:24

Can you spell out to him very bluntly that your marriage is in trouble if something doesn't change? Is he depressed? Complacent? Does he take you for granted?

He really needs to face up to the fact that there is a problem before you act on something that you know you shouldn't. Think of the fall out for all the children involved if you acted upon your feelings.

Can you suggest relate or sexual counselling?

Duckingpanels Thu 09-May-13 21:42:10

He would never agree to relate/sexual counselling I don't think.

DH says Im making a big fuss about nothing, or that I just want an argument. He says he won't talk to me as I just end up shouting and crying.

Dahlen Thu 09-May-13 21:43:33

Ducking - you need to cancel the babysitting then. Make up whatever plausible excuse gets you out of it, but get out of it.

You have every right to be feeling the way you do if you've been neglected for so long in your marriage, but you will lose the right to have that addressed if you choose to behave 'inappropriately' with your BIL next weekend. And it IS a choice, however much it doesn't feel like one.

Channel that angst into your marriage.

chocmallow Thu 09-May-13 21:48:36

So does that mean you and your BIL will both be staying overnight in his house? Or is he staying elsewhere? From the way your talking I get the feeling BIL may feel the same way? Are those the vibes you are getting from him?

CrapBag Thu 09-May-13 22:11:32

The BIL thing aside. Your DH is an idiot if that's his attitude, although do you have a rational discussion or does he refuse point blank to discuss it at all even when you aren't shouting and crying (in his words).

I feel bad for you. Spell it out that if things don't change then this really could be it for him and you and ask him if that's what he wants.

Dahlen Thu 09-May-13 22:34:12

X post. Tell him yes you DO want an argument - because you'd prefer that to a divorce. See what he makes of that.

A fuss about nothing? So your feelings are 'nothing'? Are you sure divorce wouldn't be a decent option?

Duckingpanels Thu 09-May-13 22:36:16

choc, yes I would be, I've stayed and sat for the DNS before but not slept over, am only staying as its likely to be late. I honestly have no idea if BIL thinks the same as me.

Cherriesarelovely Thu 09-May-13 22:38:52

Agree with everyone else, you need to tell your Dh really firmly that you are not happy with the situation and that he/you both need to do something about it before you have no relationship left. I do sympathise. I once had a really intense and inappropriate crush. I was having a very weird time following the break up of a long term relationship. I still know the person on whom I had a crush and it seems inconceivable to me now that I ever felt like that!

Ilikethebreeze Thu 09-May-13 22:41:44

I could be reading between the lines.
Here are some of my suggestions/questions.

1.What was you sex life before th 9 months.
2/Did something happen 9 months ago for it to stop completely.
3. Are you in your 20s or 30s
4.Do you believe he has been tired for 9 months? What happens for example when he has holidays.

Feel there are more questions but those will do for now.

Duckingpanels Thu 09-May-13 22:42:41

Thanks cherries nice to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. It would be easy if I could never ever see my BIL again. Although I would miss him as my friend and my DCs beloved uncle. It's hard as we are a very close family, I spend lots of time at BILS, and vice verse (with the DCs, we all have dinners together, I help out with my DNs as they are nearing teenage age and don't really have another female influence around).

Ilikethebreeze Thu 09-May-13 22:43:04

5.Is he dispaying any odd behaviour.
6.Do you think he is ill, worried or stressed?

Duckingpanels Thu 09-May-13 22:46:13

It was ok, not great but regular ish, it just sort of petered out a bit. Nothing 'happened' as such.

I'm in my late 20s, DH and BIL late 30s, early 40s, DH 3 yrs older.

I don't know if he is tired. I feel he doesn't find me attractive anymore. I like to think I'm not too bad.

We don't have holidays, DH is SE and works a lot, property developer, spends a lot of time working or in the study at home working.

Ilikethebreeze Thu 09-May-13 22:48:49

Do you think he has any financial problems?
Dont answer any of these questions if you dont want to.

Ilikethebreeze Thu 09-May-13 22:51:59

Does he watch porn?Might he have soemone else?

tbh, I feel a bit uncomfortable asking this stuff.
I presume he wont give you straight answers.

My DH is self employed too and works long hours.
But I dont think that that would, on its own, mean you and your husband wouldnt have sex for 9 months because of him being so tired because of being SE

Duckingpanels Thu 09-May-13 22:52:02

Bit of a worried constantly thinks were skint when we are not

Duckingpanels Thu 09-May-13 22:54:45

No he doesn't- and I would be very very surprised if he did have someone else than- I do trust him

Ilikethebreeze Thu 09-May-13 22:55:45

hmm. That is not going to help.
Is he a natural worrier? Do you think he may have anxiety or depression?
Are you sure there is nothing financially wrong?

Ilikethebreeze Thu 09-May-13 22:56:31

My 22.55 post was to your 22.52 post

Duckingpanels Thu 09-May-13 23:00:04

Nothing financially wrong

Sounds like your H is one of those men who has never really been very interested in sex, or at least sex with women. But he wants to be married, partly so he looks 'normal' to the outside world and, of course, to have his food cooked and his clothes washed. Men like this are profoundly selfish - the marriage is 'fine' because their needs are getting met, and the woman's unhappiness doesn't matter because, after all, she's only a woman, and women do whine, but a contented man just tunes the whining out. He might, when it reaches a certain pitch, make promises to change but no effort to do so, at least not for more than a week.

You might want to start doing a little fact-checking and research on how practical it would be to end the marriage. Once you have the information, you might want to tell H that he either gets some help (eg sees his GP to rule out a physical cause for tiredness and low libido/goes to Relate or something like that with you) or you will end the marriage. Don't be guilty if he starts calling you selfish or telling you to think of the children - it's not selfish to insist that you and your needs actually matter and that you are a person too.

Your BIL is an irrelevance, as other people have said, you could just as easily have developed a crush on the postman or the bloke in the laundrette.

StoicButStressed Thu 09-May-13 23:18:27

Recognise this and it resonates. My then BIL had a MAJOR crush on me and if honest, it was vaguely reciprocated. There was a period after my marriage had totally broken down but (for reasons don't really want to go into here) we stayed living together for a further c.7 months. I had always known BIL was attracted to me (family holidays, stuff he would say to me etc etc) and he was - and probably is still - a far more physically attractive version of my XH, and way more attractive EI wise.

I knew he had already had an affair (his DW is much older, they got together in circs. which I suspect would be considered quite odd now, and even right at the beginning of my & XH's marriage - IE WAY before he has made any attraction clear to me - it was beyod obvious she treated him as another child along with their 2 DC) and weirdly, as I am usually first in queue to condemn that, I actually vaguely understood why he had.

Regardless of fact that my marriage was over though, in a MILLION years would I ever have gone there though. Would have been against everything I believe in - no matter how attractive he was; how strong the attraction between us was; how much he obviously wanted me; the texts etc etc, and also, whilst I did sort of 'understand' why he had had that affair (XDSIL frankly would have driven me to either end the marriage or have an affair if totally honest); I could not ever be part of any relationship with someone who is married to someone else. Let alone the nuclear capacity it has for potential explosion.

Seriously, would advise you to stay well, well clear. It is just not worth it - regardless of him being single; YOU are not, so suggest deal with that first before even contemplate anything else. But yes, do understand and have some empathy as been in very similar position.

Ilikethebreeze Fri 10-May-13 08:23:44

You need to have a heart to heart with him, even if he doesnt want one.
You dont necessarily need to tell him about your BIL, but you do need a talk urgently, even if it ends in a shouting match.

MMMarmite Fri 10-May-13 09:35:34

"He would never agree to relate/sexual counselling I don't think.

DH says Im making a big fuss about nothing, or that I just want an argument. He says he won't talk to me as I just end up shouting and crying."

This is the most worrying part of the thread. If your DH is unable to discuss difficult and emotional issues with you then it does not bode well for fixing problems. Has he always been like this, or has it changed recently?

chocmallow Sat 11-May-13 09:11:45

Hi OP. How are you? I know these feelings don't just go away and how hard things must be.

unapologetic Sat 11-May-13 09:28:43

It sounds like an affair is brewing. It is unusual to be spending so much time with your (single) brother-in-law e.g. meals together, even babysitting so much. I think you staying over in the spare room is the next stage towards getting together. And you know it.

If my dh was spending loads of time at my sister's house, I would be suspcious (and I trust them both!)

Duckingpanels Fri 24-May-13 14:37:34

Sorry I've not updated, Internet been down.

Things still aren't great between DH and I. I've distanced myself from BIL (didn't stay over, drove home late when got in etc) and although I've stil been looking after my DNs I've been dropping them off at the door and not going in for a cuppa, etcZ

karensmith12 Sun 26-May-13 16:20:21

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

StuffezLaYoni Sun 26-May-13 16:23:21

WTF?

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