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Do you and your DH/DP go to bed at the sane time?

(53 Posts)
NothingsLeft Thu 09-May-13 19:33:07

And do you feel it's important?

DH never comes to bed at the same time as me and I feel like it effects our relationship. I always ask him to come when I go but he never does. He stays up watching crap in telly or using the Internet.

I am in bed quite early as DS is a terrible sleeper and quite likely to wake at least twice and it's the only way I can cope. I can't remember the last time we went to bed at the same time. I don't know why it bothers me it just does hmm

NothingsLeft Thu 09-May-13 19:33:40

'Same' time obviously..

Bowlersarm Thu 09-May-13 19:40:36

We always went to bed at same time before DC. When DC were little i was all over the place with tiredness and we mostly went to bed at separate times, especially as DH likes to go to bed later than I do.

Now DC are much older we have reverted back to going to bed at same time, although sometimes i like a really early night at 9.00 ish.

I feel unsettled if we have longish periods of different bedtimes. I think getting in to bed together and chatting about the day, things that don't really matter, maintains a great connection, and it's easier for see to then follow as well.

Bowlersarm Thu 09-May-13 19:41:40

Gah. ... for sex to follow, not see!

CPtart Thu 09-May-13 19:41:49

I never ever ever go at the same time as DH. I need a lot more sleep and am always in bed at least 1-2hours earlier. Sad but true.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Thu 09-May-13 19:45:01

Dh always slopes off to bed before me unless he's in the mood for sexy time in which case he pesters till I give in! not that I'd rather be MNetting or anything

Fairylea Thu 09-May-13 19:47:15

Occasionally we go to bed at the same time but not often.

I am more of a morning person and he's the total opposite. So I go to bed at 9.30/10 and get up with the kids at 6am and he goes to bed about 12ish and gets up at 8. A lot of this is also because he sometimes works till 10pm so there's no way he's going to get home and go straight to bed! smile when he gets in I'm usually asleep!

As for sex... we tend to have a lot of morning sex when the baby naps and dd is at school and dh has a late shift !

I actually like going to bed on my own... cold bed, no faffing about, no one else breathing, I can fart loudly in peace .... smile

HootShoot Thu 09-May-13 19:47:26

We are exactly the same NothingsLeft. It makes me really sad that my dh never comes to bed at the same time as me. It also really impacts on our sex life which is pretty much non existent. Chatting in bed sounds nice bowlersarm -I'm quite jealous.

Taffeta Thu 09-May-13 19:49:04

Always. Drives me potty!

Theselittlelightsofmine Thu 09-May-13 19:50:14

Sometimes we do sometimes we don't.

DH likes to watch tv in bed and I hate doing so, so he will go up and watch whatever he wants sometimes 7pm and I will come up once I have finished watching tv downstairs or reading a book or still doing bits of housework

smile

ItsAFuckingVase Thu 09-May-13 19:52:28

Never! We work different shifts, and I keep funny times anyway. We've never really been limited to sex in bed, at night so it has no bearing on us that way.

Have to say that if DH was asking me to go to bed earlier I'd be fucked off.

Absolutelylost Thu 09-May-13 19:53:14

We nearly always do. It bothers me if we don't but occasionally he is in such a deep sleep on the sofa that I leave him to it as he gets narky if I try to wake him.

NothingsLeft Thu 09-May-13 19:54:08

I feel sad too. Chatting does sound nice and thats exactly it bowler it's the connection I miss.

We have discussed it a few times and he says he will make the effort but the nights just slip by.

Even once a week would be nice. I feel like we are strangers. Plus he wakes me up when he comes to bed, which makes me angry

jamakatab Thu 09-May-13 19:55:40

I'm an Owl, he's a Lark. Once we'd given the other permission to be themselves things have worked out fine. It means that our love life is unpredictable - and all the more interesting for that.

AnyFucker Thu 09-May-13 19:56:19

No, he goes to bed about 2 hours before me

Btw, does your h do any of the DC night awakenings ?

We go to bed at different times every night - he might go up at 9 with his ipad, i may watch something i've recorded until 11 and vice versa. We are usually both in bed, awake before 12. I like having a 2 minute cosy in <i love cuddles, he hates them so i force 2 mins out of him at night smile> but i hate bring made to talk - he thinks bed = conversations but nooooooo we have daytime for them! Bed is for sleep grin

lemonstartree Thu 09-May-13 20:05:30

about 1/2 the time. I like it when we do, but I accept that I need more sleep than him and so I am usually in bed earlier

HootShoot Thu 09-May-13 20:10:11

Maybe I need to embrace a more interesting sex life. But we have an 18 month old who also doesn't sleep well so we are always so tired in the morning and rushing around to get DH to the train station. Also our DD would quite frequently end up in bed with us in the early hours of the morning, although she has finally started sleeping through in the last two weeks. Morning breath does puts me off morning sex though - bleurgh!

Branleuse Thu 09-May-13 20:13:01

no he doesnt sleep before 2am usually and I like to be in bed about 10. We used to a lot more when we slept downstairs and the telly was there and then I could sleep and he'd just watch telly in bed which was nice, but hes a night owl and has delayed onset insomnia, and if I stay up as late as he does, I still wake at 6 and feel ill the whole day.
its not really a problem. We're still very close and have a good sex life, just not in bed.

StuckOnARollercoaster Thu 09-May-13 20:13:24

I'm the early one in our relationship. DP gets in late so we eat together, then I'm ready for bed but he still needs to wind down.
What works for us is to chill in the lounge, he watches tv and I fall asleep on his lap for a couple of hours. Then up to bed together and straight to sleep, which I can do without waking up too much. (Our chat and sex time is mornings rather than evenings when we both have the energy!)

TheFallenNinja Thu 09-May-13 20:13:53

We do but I'm a night owl so spend many an hour gawping into the darkness while DP is asleep. It's quality time though so I shall continue to gawp.

Bowlersarm Thu 09-May-13 20:16:49

NothingsLeft-has it changed since you had DC or was it the same before?

StuckOnARollercoaster Thu 09-May-13 20:17:31

Oh and to answer one of your questions I don't think it's the same bed time that's important... It's that bit of intimate time that matters and as long as you have that often then I wouldn't be worried about different bed times...

KingRollo Thu 09-May-13 20:18:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePinkOcelot Thu 09-May-13 20:22:40

Sometimes we do. Its normally me going up before him and I'm often asleep by the time he comes up. It doesn't bother me, in fact I've never given it a thought before tbh.

TobyLerone Thu 09-May-13 20:22:49

Every night. We have never, ever been to bed at different times. Even if DH is working, he'll just bring his laptop upstairs and work in bed.

Lately I've been seriously knackered and going to bed ridiculously early. I suggested to DH that he didn't have to come to bed with me and he was horrified at the thought!

I do think it's important. I hope we always do it.

EuroShaggleton Thu 09-May-13 20:22:57

Almost never. I got to bed an hour or two before him. I prefer it. It's my little bit of me time. I faff in the ensuite (remove nail varnish or pluck eyebrows or whatever) then read/play on phone/watch tv. I loved living alone and find having someone in the house all the time a bit of a strain. That hour or two helps my sanity.

MoodyDidIt Thu 09-May-13 20:26:40

yeah unless one of us has gone out for the evening

its really important IMO

my ex used to stay up really late playing xbox the big child and i hated it. its nice to go to bed early, not just for sex but to snuggle up, talk, even just watch tv together

NothingsLeft Thu 09-May-13 20:27:14

hoot our lives sound similar. I'm envious but pleased about the sleep throughssmile May be I should embrace a more interesting sex life too....

AF he does do his fair share of nights now (after my PND breakdown). He expects to sleep in though while I get up with DS.

GibberTheMonkey Thu 09-May-13 20:30:48

Very rarely
We keep each other awake if we do and it's not good.

NothingsLeft Thu 09-May-13 20:33:13

Before DS we went to bed together. I was a night owl midnight owl but I'm knackered these days so head up for 10pm

Lavenderhoney Thu 09-May-13 20:36:14

No way! He works most evenings and gets in about midnight.

If he is home, then I go first as I like to read and we don't have a tv in the bedroom, I don't like it.

If I do wait up, then he will usually watch a bit of TV/ do emails then bed.

The dc wake in the night and I have to get up with them, plus they are up at 6. I am knackered enough without staying up.

Squitten Thu 09-May-13 20:38:12

During the week, we often don't. DH's social stuff generally takes place on weekday evenings with work people or friends in the middle of town, he often works late, etc. I'm pregnant and am generally zonked out by 10pm. If DH is home, we generally do go to bed at the same time and definitely on weekends.

PosyNarker Thu 09-May-13 20:42:35

We don't always but I would prefer when we do (other than when it makes no sense like e.g. I need to be up at 0430 for a flight). I think I am a bit sensitive about this because I broke up with an ex and one of the things that signalled the beginning of the end was when we stopped going to bed at the same time.

That said, I need (genuinely) more sleep than he does or I get cranky. I don't sleep more than the next person, but he can get by on less.

HootShoot Thu 09-May-13 20:44:21

They do sound similar! I hope your DS gets the sleeping through thing soon, I have always told myself it can't possibly last forever! This thread has made me realise how much I want things to change, so thank you for starting it. I think I'll talk to DH this weekend and say it would be nice if we could go to bed together a couple of times a week.

NothingsLeft Thu 09-May-13 20:44:53

I don't want to go to bed together every night as I quite like having time to myself. Occasionally it would be nice, just to reconnect a bit or may be its not as important as I thought..confused

KitchenandJumble Thu 09-May-13 20:48:57

No, almost never. He's a night owl, I'm an early bird. I really enjoy that time in the evenings on my own, winding down, reading in bed. If DH comes into the bedroom to talk to me during that time, I'm not always best pleased. He stays up for several more hours, watching TV, reading, writing.

I don't think it affects our emotional connection or sex life. We just prefer it this way.

NothingsLeft Thu 09-May-13 20:54:32

May be its part of the having young kids thing hoot DS is 13 months, so still little.

Things have changed so much in our relationship in the last year I guess I miss how we used to be. The odd bedtime snuggle would be nice. I hope you get yours smile

inchoccyheaven Thu 09-May-13 22:45:15

wow I actually feel normal now as I thought most couples were going to say yes and not only do me and DH not go to bed at same time we have separate rooms. Originally because of my snoring but as he has always got up about 5am for work and I work evenings it suits us much better.

Sex did suffer but now dc are pre teens its almost easier as they seem to know that if I go into DH room not to bother knocking blush and we do it a lot more now and take advantage when they go out as well.

Mosman Fri 10-May-13 04:31:58

Mine used to sit up half the night on the Internet, which led to him driving 600 miles to fuck one of them. Oh if I could go back in time he'd be coming to bed at 11 every night with me

SummerDad Fri 10-May-13 04:37:57

different times, but then we sleep in separate rooms smile

Meringue33 Fri 10-May-13 05:00:48

Nope. I go to bed early he stays up late. Before DC we used to DTD on Weekend mornings or early eve on sofa. Now we have LO (4 months) I am not sure how we will ever fit if in...

AnyFucker Fri 10-May-13 06:31:54

Mos, he'd have still found a way sad

rubyrubyruby Fri 10-May-13 06:38:53

Yes - always.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Fri 10-May-13 06:39:46

At the weekend we usually do, but rarely during the week. I need more sleep.

Xmasbaby11 Fri 10-May-13 06:46:13

We do. We are both owls and go to bed about midnight. It's a lovely time for chatting and I feel very close to him. It was a bit more varied when DD was tiny and awake in the night, in the first few months. I think I would be sad if we didn't have that time together.

We do go to bed too late though and make each other worse, so sometimes I think it would be good if one of us was a morning person!

Mosman Fri 10-May-13 07:27:17

Agreed but I certainly made it easy for him and would be loathed to be that trusting again unfortunately

OrWellyAnn Fri 10-May-13 07:47:22

We do, but we don't sleep in the same room, so it doesn't really make a difference. This suits me for the moment as I usually have at least nice dc snuggling in in the early hours and I also need to read before sleeping and he hates the light pollution from that.
I actually prefer this arrangement, though I think he would eventually like us to share the bed I think he also enjoyed having his own space and sleeping well.
We still have as much sex as before.

OrWellyAnn Fri 10-May-13 07:49:52

Inchoccy, glad it is not just us! smile I'd find it so hard to share with anyone now...I sometimes wonder if that's sad, but not sure I care if it is! smile

cuillereasoupe Fri 10-May-13 08:26:35

Never. He works nights, goes to bed usually between four and five and is up between eleven and midday. It's a bit of a PITA but it's the nature of his job, so there's not much I can do about it.

cory Fri 10-May-13 09:23:08

We used to, but dh has a new job and has to get up at 4.45 in the morning, which means going to bed at 9. That is my best working time and I really would suffer if I had to sacrifice that.

My mum and dad are totally incompatible when it comes to bedtimes: he wants to be up and having lively conversations at 5.30 in the morning and is snoring in a chair by 9, she feels sick if she has to talk or think before 8 a.m. and is at her liveliest and most sociable about the time he goes to bed. It takes a fair bit of tolerance to run a marriage like that, but they have managed it.

gemdrop84 Fri 10-May-13 14:37:15

Only at the weekend and in the holidays. Ds is 14wks and not a great sleeper, I normally get up with him in night. Go up at about 9pm, read or watch tv. Do feel it is quite important as we don't have much time together. 2 nights a wk he has band practice and he's a teacher so spends a few hours a night marking and preparing lessons. Like it when we go to bed together as we normally cuddle up and talk.

Gillian1980 Fri 10-May-13 14:42:36

We usually go to bed at the same time as we like to lie and chat for a while before we read, have sex or sleep.

Though fairly often one of us (more often me) will go up first, but that's usually ro read rather than to go to sleep. So we'll both be awake together before settling down for the night.

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