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Finding it hard to wait to Meet her kid

(31 Posts)
ofmiceandmen Thu 09-May-13 18:04:46

Both myself (37) and my new partner (30) have kids, mine are both under 4 and she has a girl is 5.

I truly hadn't expected to meet someone I felt this strongly about after the split from my ex (and I did date after the split). The kids stayed with me after the split and until recently had been with me. (now live with their mother - Courts decision on their age - thats potentially another thread).

So this relationship is pretty young - 3months, and I am aware the guide book says I should have waited for her to meet the kids but I guess I just felt it was important that I knew she could interact well with the children and wanted her to get to know me (they are now pretty much my right and left arms).
Well she has met my kids and my family and everyone loves her, kids included.
but the thing is I havent met her family, friends or daughter as yet and suddenly I feel I am standing at the edge of a precipice and rather exposed.

We had discussed meeting her family and had set a good timeline as to when this should happen - 7/8 months etc. But recently this has got extended and I havent met any of her friends.

I know 3 months is far too soon, but i guess I felt strongly about things.
I needed to

We talk of a future we, do all the things a long term committed couple do and yes we hold hands in public in her town/city and she has never made me feel any less important in the relationship.
Her daughter is aware of me and I get the most wonderful videos and images that really have made me feel like I am one of their family.
Which is what is making it hard. Like glimpses to future, teasing almost.

So the question is; How do I wind things back without making it seem as though I am closing up.
I respect her decision to protect her daughter and would rather give her and her family time but I cant help feeling vulnerable and no matter what I may pretend - its affecting me, knowing that she's seen into every facet of my life and all I get is a look through the glass.

Of course I may be missing something. There really should be a Debretts on this sort of thing.

Note: I am a black male (mixed kids) and she is caucasian; so I am aware there could be a race element at play hence the desire to give her family time and thats why I was an open book, I wanted her to understand and accept who I am - race and all.

Am I over thinking this?

Machli Thu 09-May-13 18:08:52

I think three months is far too soon to be introducing children to new DP's and I think your new DP is being entirely sensible to wait. I think you sound like you are rushing things and personally I would see that as a red flag.

ofmiceandmen Thu 09-May-13 18:10:20

excuse the typos - that intro was the hardest thing to do, and I had to retype it several times. opted not to over think it and just typed away.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-May-13 18:10:50

If you feel vulnerable it's purely your own insecurity talking. She's playing it carefully & sensibly and the very last think you want to do is rush someone into revealing more of their personal life than they feel comfortable with... no matter what decisions you've made & no matter how much of yourself & your family etc you've chosen to reveal at this early stage. You talk about 'respect' so walk the talk. You're not one of her family and you need to apply the brakes pretty sharpish & give her some air or you'll scare her right off....

CabbageLeaves Thu 09-May-13 18:11:00

You'd make me run a mile because of your enthusiasm for my DC tbh

I am in a relationship where I did introduce partner to child quite quickly (about 3 months) but it was because I had no choice (no time without DC) We also valued our limited time without DC because we needed to build our relationship....it's about us as a couple.

Having said that his relationship with my DDs has been really important. If it hadn't been successful he'd have been kicked out

If he'd been overly keen to be a 'family' at 3 months in!!!!! I'd run a mile. How many 'families' do you think a child should experience?

TheRealFellatio Thu 09-May-13 18:12:24

Yes! It's lovely that you feel this way but she is absolutely right to wait before introducing you to her daughter. as the child of a mother who had different men in and out of the house (and bed) on what felt like a weekly basis, I would say put your feelings and your insecurities aside and stop being needy. If it's the right relationship for her then you will get what you want in the end. And you are still spending time with her - it's just you need that validation of meeting her family. There may or may not be a race element to it, but if there is then she is doing this to try to protect you so don't push it.

ofmiceandmen Thu 09-May-13 18:13:51

Machli- I totally agree oddly. but having split from my previous relationship because it was hard for her to accept the race thing I truly want it all laid bare from the get go.

So how do I take a step back? without raising more red flags

digerd Thu 09-May-13 18:22:12

Yes, I think you are, and being a little too intense, afterall it is only 3 months and neither of you can really know each other in this short time.

And you both have very young children - hers living with her and yours living with your ex. I can understand your feelings, but I can only advise you to be more patient.

Good luck

Machli Thu 09-May-13 18:22:22

Well have you shown her any of this? If not just keep doing what you're doing. If you have then stop. She's doing the right thing and it's more than likely that there is no problem on her side. The fact that she shows you pictures etc of her child says to me that she sees a future for you. I am a lone parent and I do not talk about my dc to anyone I am not serious with. My children are on a need to know basis and randoms don't need to know wink.

I appreciate you would worry about the race thing if it's been an issue for you before though but I do think it's far too early to be confronting or pre-empting an issue that may not be there at all.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-May-13 18:23:28

You take a step back by respecting her decision and not pressurising her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Be a boyfriend rather than upgrading yourself to 'partner'. Go on dates and have fun as a couple rather than expecting her to be part of your family. She's got a child, she can do domestic any time she likes.

Squitten Thu 09-May-13 18:27:42

Well, just stop discussing it. Wait for her to come to you with the decision and in the meantime just be a couple.

ofmiceandmen Thu 09-May-13 18:28:02

Cabbageaves, theRealfellatio, CogitoErgoSometimes
Thank you

I am aware this is an insecurity brought on by feeling things are uneven (entirely my choice). and yes I guess it was being rather needy.
Needed that slap!

Don't want to lose her.

Just didn't want to suddenly seem I had got cold or closed up.

Thank you again

CabbageLeaves Thu 09-May-13 18:29:34

You pursue a relationship with her and not with her DC. If she brings up DC in conversation you respond in the same way you might if it was your sisters children...interested and caring but not obsessed or pushy

You give her space to be a mum as that is far more important than a relationship that has lasted 3 months

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

What Cogito said. Try to enjoy your relationship and have some fin together.

Laska42 Thu 09-May-13 18:33:44

Which is what is making it hard. Like glimpses to future, teasing almost.

Teasing ? Sorry OP TBH if I was your partner and read that id run.. perhaps I'm being over sensitive ,and I'm sorry it this pisses you off but I'm quite disturbed you use that phraseology with regard to meeting her child . you really need to back off and let her decide..

WhiteBirdBlueSky Thu 09-May-13 18:34:07

If someone talked about being 'part of my family' after 3 months I'd run a mile.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Thu 09-May-13 18:35:04

Yes, "teasing", what's that all about?

ofmiceandmen Thu 09-May-13 18:46:08

Laksa42 reference 'Teasing', sorry I should explain that comes from a phrase - ' A God tease' when you see a glimpse of a future,

It was not in reference to her actions or behaviour.

and no... it doesn't piss me off. I am pretty up front and understood this sudden feeling didn't fit with the usual me. it took me over 3 years to introduce my ex to my family. So this is all new ground for me - hence the post

GirlWiththeLionHeart Thu 09-May-13 18:51:00

You seem like a nice bloke, hang in there and enjoy it being just you guys now, getting to know eachother - it's still very early days! Plenty of time for screaming kids waking you both up soon grin

Laska42 Thu 09-May-13 18:53:34

OK, I know its hard to get things over in posts, as you are aware, but please dont use that word to her ,if you dont want her to run.

You must wait until she''s ready .. really you must , if you push you'll look creepy.. really you will.

Charbon Thu 09-May-13 18:54:30

Notwithstanding the odd and jarring turns of phrase other posters have picked up on, I think there's a distinction to be made between not meeting her daughter (which is sensible) and meeting Absolutely No-one In Her Life, which seems strange.

It's sound advice to people in new relationships to see a partner in a variety of different settings and meet the people in their life, before making any kind of emotional commitment. It's often very revealing to see how someone interacts with their friends and family and how they are perceived by others, whereas a relationship that's in something of a cocoon isn't the best way of evaluating someone's true character.

So I'm advising you to suspend judgement about whether you want to commit to this woman until you've got the whole picture of her - and is exactly the same advice I've often given to women posters whose new partners have been reluctant for them to meet even friends.

ofmiceandmen Thu 09-May-13 19:05:28

Charbon:

Gem!

Yes thank you for perhaps clearing it all up (newbie post). Its more the 'not meeting the anyone in her life' that was getting to me. like a huge void.

I certainly don't want us to rush nor do I want to pressurise her, but its the looking through a frosted glass that was getting to me.

Maybe she is just protecting me. So perhaps I need to just wait it out. i believe she is more than worth the wait.

(Perhaps its a age thing - not wanting to spend another 8 years to discover theres something else that you should have realised from the beginning)

Troubledjo Thu 09-May-13 19:17:04

I am in a similar situation but for different reasons in that my new partner lives in a different country so whilst he's been here and met pretty much everyone in my life I have met very few people in his. There are good reasons for this - as it sounds like there are for your new partner - but I totally understand why it makes you feel insecure. I think you've been given good advice, try to be a bit more laid back and let everything happen in good time. I know it's not easy though!
I do agree with Charbon though - it seems strange that there's a problem with meeting her friends. Could you maybe focus on this instead of her daughter?

ofmiceandmen Thu 09-May-13 19:36:45

Troubledjo:

Agreed, perhaps the title etc didn't help.

I think this - not meeting anyone from her side -is where my insecurities stemmed from, and perhaps they were then transferred to the question of her daughter. Something even I initially wanted to take very slow.

But all in all .. I will be more laid back.

If after a year this (not meeting her friends thing) has not changed then I guess that will speak for itself.

Thank you.

Troubledjo Thu 09-May-13 19:52:21

I would definitely expect to meet some of her friends within a year - it's very hard to get to know someone properly without seeing the people around them. And I would expect her to want her friends to meet you too.
Try not to let it make you feel insecure. I know where you are coming from with the race thing though too. Although I am white my DD is mixed race and I know I have been extra protective of her and just watching out for any signs of racism from the members of DP's family who I have met. Which is sad really - and there haven't been any - but I think new relationships are hard enough as it is, and when you throw DCs into the mix you do start feeling a little insecure and over-protective of them. I guess it's all part of working it out though...
Good luck! It is quite complicated all this new relationship stuff.

2cats2many Thu 09-May-13 20:15:49

I would be very hmm if a boyfriend didn't introduce me to any of his
friends after 3 months, so I can see where you are coming from.

Family and children are a whole other ball game.

Dahlen Thu 09-May-13 20:47:13

First off, I don't think you should worry about what you're feeling. It's not a sign of insecurity or neediness IMO. Most people who are dating and fall in love quickly feel what you're feeling. The distinction comes in what you do about it. If you act needy, you (and the object of your desire) have a problem. If you can take a look at your feelings, acknowledge them, laugh at them, and then act more appropriately, that makes you normal. wink

As for how do you pull back? It's simple. You behave exactly the same as you always do when you're with her, but you make sure you make only 50% of the effort to arrange future dates and in the meantime you develop your life outside her as much as possible so you don't spend so much time thinking about her. It's a case of faking it til you make it.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Thu 09-May-13 21:17:29

Yeah, the friends bit is weird. I would pull her up on that.

awaywego1 Fri 10-May-13 06:52:58

You sound lovely and sensible but It sounds like you are feeling insecure and understandably want to meet her friends and her kids. Of course you do they are the most important thing in her life. Try and go with the flow a bit, it will happen, maybe she's holding back because she's afraid of getting hurt. With her daughter she likely wants to check you'll still be around in 6 months-that it's a long term investment. When I was in your situation I was desperate to meet my partners daughter-because I knew she was his world and I was excited about putting a face to the stories. In retrospect we should have waited, we met too soon I think.
Your worries about your race are understandable but it is likely nothing to do with this; try not to let past issues get in the way of today. Try to enjoy this time-just the two-it won't last long and you'll soon be desperate for some child free time wink

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Fri 10-May-13 08:10:40

Am glad a few other posters didn't overlook the fact that she has introduced him to NO ONE after three months. It isn't all about the kids. For the record, I think she is right on the kids front, anything less than 6 months, in my opinion, is too soon.

However, I think if you've been seeing someone regularly and exclusively for three months, then that's - also in my opinion - now a relationship rather than simply dating. I'm not saying you should be introduced to everyone but I would certainly have expected to have met a couple of friends by now. Meeting friends at this sort of timescale is a sort of admittance you are "boyfriend and girlfriend" (being old fashioned) and if someone wasn't keen to do this, I would actually think that the other person didn't see the relationship in the same way and wasn't introducing me to people because they didn't think it was going to last.

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