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Do you think it's abuse? Time to leave?

(44 Posts)
Chumbot Thu 09-May-13 16:17:03

Met oh 22 years ago. I have 24 year old son from previous marriage. We also have son together.
Oh always been jealous of my relationship with eldest son. But I have always over compensated for him not having his dad around. Oh treats sons differently.
4 years ago we moved abroad to start new venture. Eldest son didn't want to go because of work and girlfriend. Etc. we rented our house out and bought another 3 bed smaller property where we rented out 2 rooms and eldest son lived rent free.
6 months later we move back. We move back to our house and son is still at other property.
Other property pays for itself but oh thinks that we should be making more money from it. So has asked son for rent. He has started to pay a small amount of money. But oh is still not happy. He thinks that he should be paying same as regular tenant. I don't agree. Problem 1

Problem 2

Oh controls everything. I don't have access to money. We do have cash in the house which he says I can use in an emergency. He counts it every day to see if any is missing. I have never taken any. I ave cc for food and household stuff which he goes through and pays off. I have told him that this isn't fair because he always has money and his own business cc.

Problem 3

Our relationship is a roller coaster all resting on what mood oh is in. If he is in good mood great. If not he is moody and sulks swears calls me names. Tells me to fuck off. Calls me lazy bitch. Punches walls, throws things. More verbally abusive if he has had a drink. I think he is having mid life crisis ATM. The last big fight was sat night. He has been ok since then.

Problem 4

I now suffer with anxiety and am taking medication. I have had therapy and cbt but still feel quite low.

Any advice ?
I keep telling myself to get a grip!!

Chumbot Thu 09-May-13 16:48:41

Advice anyone?

kotinka Thu 09-May-13 16:51:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squitten Thu 09-May-13 16:52:34

Yes, he is abusve.

He is violent, calls you names and controls your access to money.No wonder you're anxious and depressed - get rid of his twat and your mood will lift.

You know you should leave him don't you?

MadameOvary Thu 09-May-13 16:57:20

Yes he is abusive.
He has you walking on eggshells
He abuses you financially by controlling all the money.
He verbally abuses you and uses threatening behaviour to keep you in line. Punching walls = very intimidating. Basically saying "This is what I am capable of. Next time it might be your face"
This abuse is the reason for your anxiety.
Nothing excuses his behaviour.

Alwayscheerful Thu 09-May-13 17:00:06

Yes he is abusive financially and emotionally, you will not realise how abusive until you live in peace on your own.

MadameOvary Thu 09-May-13 17:00:55

Advice?
Do not think in any way that you are the problem here.
Talk to Women's Aid. Having been through a similar situation to yourself they will listen and take you seriously, and hopefully help you get some perspective.

loveisagirlnameddaisy Thu 09-May-13 17:01:08

Most definitely, yes, this is abuse. Mental, verbal, emotional, verging on physical. Abuse all the way. He controls you in several different ways and as Madame says, your anxiety is almost certainly caused by his behaviour.

Have you tried to address this with him?

loveisagirlnameddaisy Thu 09-May-13 17:02:04

I assume you're not married? If you do get to a stage of walking away, you'll need to be clear about your financial situation. There's lots of help on here from people who've been through similar.

He is abusing you on many levels; financial, emotional, verbal for starters.

He is the root cause of your ongoing anxiety; rid yourself of him and you could well find that you will feel an awful lot happier.

What on earth has kept you within this to date?. Have you been too frightened to leave?.

Chumbot Thu 09-May-13 17:39:47

Hi. Yes I have addressed it numerous times. He won't go for counselling.
And yes we are married.

I have been ok since Saturday. He was out Sunday at the pub and tues and wed nights at pub so haven't seen much if him.

He usually goes out with his pals 1 or 2 nights a week and Sunday afternoon. I hardly go out on with my friends. Sometimes I meet them for lunch. I don't tell him because he makes comments like ' it's ok for you. You have ALL day to do what you want whilst I'm at work.
I work from home. He sees it as a hobby. It makes money but not very much. It's not consistent and very lonely. I have been applying for part time work to get me out meeting new people.

He is so negative and moody.

I just don't know what to do anymore yes I suppose I am frightened to leave. I thought that I loved him but he has chipped away over the years that I a know I am a different person now.

MadameOvary Thu 09-May-13 17:52:24

You have not "been ok" if "ok" means "passed a few days without him being abusive or reducing me to tears"
Does your relative peace of mind, such as it is, coincide with a lack of abusive behaviour from him , as opposed to a presence of supportive, loving, respectful behaviour?

MadameOvary Thu 09-May-13 17:54:00

You loved the man you hoped he was. He will never be that man and has no interest in becoming so.
You say you are frightened to leave...can you articulate why?

ClippedPhoenix Thu 09-May-13 17:59:20

Are you frightened to leave because you fear life being single? If, so, what you are putting up with is a thousand times worse you know.

Chumbot Thu 09-May-13 18:00:17

I don't know how I will manage on my own. My family live up north. I am north London. My good friends live 50 miles away. I have 1 friend here. My sons are settled here. They both have jobs.
I am going to stay at my mums next week. She knows everything. My family want me to be happy and they don't think that I will be if I stay. But it's not easy just to up and leave.
I don't think I'm strong enough

ColinCaterpillar Thu 09-May-13 18:04:18

Handholding chumbot and a cordial invite to the EA thread xx

Chumbot Thu 09-May-13 18:06:55

Colin thank you. I have had a read. Have also ordered !why does he do that' book to see if I recognise any behaviour.

ColinCaterpillar Thu 09-May-13 18:09:46

I'm sure you'll find that helpful. Good luck

lolaflores Thu 09-May-13 18:40:10

chumbot how much of your life is left to live like this? It is not fair, you are entitled to be who you are without someone breathing down your neck at every single aspect of your life. It is your life and no one else's to restrict and bully. Don't worry about him or your sons, do it for you. I bet there are so many of your friends hoping that one day you will see him for what he is. So you have. The next bit is leaving and it sounds like you will have lots of support from people who will want this for you. Take your strength from them. Just do it. Don't look down, just forwards. Really, you won't know yourself.

lolaflores Thu 09-May-13 18:41:03

chumbot you don't need a book to tell you he is abusing you. You can see it loud and clear. You also don;t need permission.

Chumbot Thu 09-May-13 21:48:05

Thank you for your replies. I suppose having 2 failed marriages is upsetting me. I got married at 18 first time and we stayed together 7 years. We were too young.
I was only on my own a few months before meeting my husband. He swept me off my feet.
I have given our marriage everything.

Chumbot Thu 09-May-13 23:22:41

So tonight he has checked his own interest free cc statement and realises that he has an interest charge on it. So he is swearing and slamming about and phones the cc company to complain.
After shouting and telling me its a f*****g joke blah blah he realises that he was late with a payment. So I suggested that he put the due date on calendar. Don't bother yourself with it he says.
So as we are talking finances I say instead of me putting all food and things on my cc I would prefer cash in my account so that I had some control over my own money and spending.
His response was we can't afford it.
And..... Why should he share his money with me?
I said because its nit your money it's our money.
He has sulked up to bed. I am a f*****g joke. You can just spend all our money.
Yet if he sees a designer pair of shoes he likes for me he orders me them £600 plus.
Hmmmmm what to make of that ?

wordyBird Fri 10-May-13 01:24:13

He is aggressive, miserly, controlling and abusive.
He chooses shoes for you and thus controls what you wear.

This was a real jaw dropper: We do have cash in the house which he says I can use in an emergency. He counts it every day to see if any is missing.

The EA thread and the book you've ordered will help clarify things. For now, hope you get some sleep after that nasty outburst from your H. brew

Chumbot Fri 10-May-13 09:25:08

Wordybird. Ty for your reply. I haven't slept well for ages now. Too many things running thru my head. :-(

cory Fri 10-May-13 09:28:02

"Yet if he sees a designer pair of shoes he likes for me he orders me them £600 plus. "

This is classic abuser behaviour. He is treating you like a prized possession, a car or a house which he is happy to adorn to enhance his own status. The one thing he will not have is the car or the house trying to think for itself and choose its own decor. Think about it: do you want to be another part of this man's furniture for the rest of your life or be a person in your own right?

What comes over in every post of yours is such utter sadness, it's heartbreaking. Please at least see a solicitor for a free half hour and get your name down at your GP's for some counselling. Have a read of the blog about financial abuse in this section. Sell your shoes and squirrel away the money! Please start making a plan, you can do it x

LadyInDisguise Fri 10-May-13 09:37:29

Yes he is abusive.
Emotionally abusive when he is calling you names, putting you down etc..
Financially abusive when he is refusing to 'give' you money and is saying that this is HIS money not YOURS (as both of you).

He is also controlling. Controlling your money, your behaviour, how you look, what you can do (eg you can't tell him you have lunch with a friend etc...). And he has managed very well to make you completely isolated.

I am wondering how he would actually react if you were getting a full time job (or maybe even part time). I am getting the feeling that if you were finding a job, he would get even worse, would try and stop you from going for it because:
1- you would have more financial independence
2- you will be less isolated, be able to make friends and realize that he is NOT a good man/husband.
3- he wouldn't have full control of you.
Does it sound about right?

LadyInDisguise Fri 10-May-13 09:43:26

Oh YY to start making an escape plan.

You WILL be OK when you will have separated.

You will finally be able to have friends round/make new friends. You won't have to constantly check up his moods and deal with his abuse. You will have your own money and won't have to 'report' to him what you have done with it.
You will be able to support both your sons in the way you see fair.
And
You will have some money aside to start afresh. Remember that half of what you own together is yours. That means both houses, any savings you might have etc...
And just as importantly, you will finally be able to sleep at night and stop medication for anxiety. Because HE is creating the anxiety. That's nothing to do with you or with a flaw in your own temperament/personality.

MadameOvary Fri 10-May-13 09:47:52

Chumbot I have been in your shoes. I know how hard it is to leave. It probably feels impossible right now. So stop thinking about what you should do and think about what you can do.

What is achievable right now?

You have already posted on here. This validates your feelings. His behaviour is wrong, abusive, unacceptable.
So well done. This is the first step.

Now you have to process it.
That's fine.
What is key now is that you stop thinking about him and start thinking about yourself.
IME, the way to leave is to build your self esteem.
To the point where you look at him and think "What the fuck am I doing with you? I deserve SO much better"
You do, you really do.
Please keep posting.

MadameOvary Fri 10-May-13 09:50:36

Escape plan - excellent idea.
Can you make a phone call to Women's Aid. It's amazing how a voice on the other end of the phone can help. Even better if you can get to an office.

Chumbot Fri 10-May-13 10:41:12

Madameovary ty for understanding. The thing is he isn't like this all the time. When he is nice he is lovely.
So when he is horrid I think that's it I am not putting up with this any more and then bam he is lovely. He loves me so much. But actually I don't feel loved. He fancies me which is very different.

I have an interview next week for a little part time job. He hasn't said much about it really.
I am going to stay with my mum for a few days. Last time I stayed with her I had zero anxiety. She looked after me and encouraged me. I think it was the stay with her that I realised things were wrong with my marriage.

I will look into women's aid. I feel a bit of a fraud tho.

jomaynard Fri 10-May-13 11:01:27

Abusers are not "nasty" all the time!

Protect yourself, get copies of bank statements, insurance, pension documents and information on the mortgages, and send these to your Mum or keep them elsewhere safely.

You are not a fraud, Women's aid is not just for Physical abuse, but hitting the wall is very very close to actual physical abuse.

MadameOvary Fri 10-May-13 11:07:29

We all feel a bit of a fraud at first. That's normal. It's because we minimise what is happening. I did. Others did. We don't want it to be real, because what sort of person allows this to happen to them?
The answer is that complex psychological processes are at work with abuse. Please look at cognitive dissonance.
It really helped me make sense of why my heart said one thing and my head another.

As for the fact that he is "lovely" sometimes. That is part of the cycle:

The Mean and Sweet Cycle

The abuser cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor.
Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

I have a personal saying that all the loveliness in the world does not make up for repeatedly shitty behaviour. Even if they are 90% lovely and 10% mean, that's not acceptable.

When I eventually dumped my abusive ex, it was after years of growing awareness of what a complete and utter waste of skin he is, and that I right to walk away from someone who treated me with such utter disrespect.

I never thought I'd meet anyone else, but I did. And he is a normal, decent bloke. Not manipulative, not abusive, not passive aggressive, not moody. Not perfect by any means, but then he doesn't have to be. He treats me with love and respect, and that's what we all deserve.

Including you.

LadyInDisguise Fri 10-May-13 11:27:35

Chumbot you need to remember that the part when he is lovely is part of the cycle.
If he was nasty all the time, you wouldn't have so many hesitations. The being lovely is one way to control you, just as the 'nasty part' is. Wo the times when he is awful to you, he wouldn't be able to control you, make you worried and anxious so you will do everything to keep him happy. But wo the 'nice' times, you wouldn't be able to compare, look for better times. You wouldn't have anything to aspire to (ie that he is nice all the time) so no reason to make some efforts iyswim.

I am going to stay with my mum for a few days. Last time I stayed with her I had zero anxiety. She looked after me and encouraged me. I think it was the stay with her that I realised things were wrong with my marriage.
Look at how you feel when you are your mum. Remember how good it feels when you are not anxious and you have someone supportive next to you. Remember.
And then when you go back home, remember this is how your DH should be treating you. Nothing else is acceptable. And that's why it is OK for you to leave.
And when you are planning your escape, remember again that this is the life you will have. One with no anxiety and no put downs.
Remember.

Cravey Fri 10-May-13 12:20:10

Oh sweetheart you know you have to address this. Maybe take a look at the DV talk on here. It's a situation which most likely will get worse but as an outsider it's bad enough already. He is controlling, abusive and starting to get voilent which as we all know isn't good. Please get some help and look at getting yourself away.

Chumbot Fri 10-May-13 12:21:49

Madame and lady thank you for your encouraging posts.

Lady your last sentence brought tears to my eyes.

If you met me you would think I was strong, take no nonsense, happy etc. I can't believe I have allowed myself to be so weak
. I was talking to my brother this morning and I told him about the finances argument last night. He was horrified. But I was defending my h in a way. I was saying but I don't go out to work full time. So I can see his point. It is his earned money. My brother said its the worst thing he has ever heard.

I feel so sick with it all.

MadameOvary Fri 10-May-13 12:47:50

Abusers love strong women. They are more of a challenge angry
You are NOT weak. As I said there are complex pschological processes at work here. It's not as simple as "weak" or "strong".
That is why you have to arm yourself with information. Knowledge really is power when it comes to putting domestic abuse behind you. It will also show you that he is just another abuser, nothing special, and how lacking he is in the basic qualities which you need in a partner.

ladypippins Fri 10-May-13 13:10:15

I am in a similar position to you and decided after the last verbal/physical abuse in front of my son to get out. Like you, I experience 'normal' days/weeks but even these I think are far below what anyone in a balanced relationship would expect. It helps me to review the notes I've made of his horrible behaviour and how it makes me feel - it reinforces my resolve to leave.

I'm moving into my rental at the end of the month. Sometimes I feel guilty and sick with the worry but I look back at my notes and I remember why I'm doing it.

Talk to the domestic violence helpline and get a free session from a solicitor - it will give you clarity and options.

Be strong for yourself and your kids -who will think this behaviour is normal when it really is so very unacceptable

Cravey Fri 10-May-13 13:58:56

It doesn't matter why, when, how, or how often. It doesn't matter how strong you are. It doesn't matter what class you are, the colour of your skin or your gender. What matters is that this is domestic, verbal and physical abuse. What matters is that this may get worse. What matters is that you have to help yourself. Please please please do something and do it fast. The escape plan is fab paperwork, money, clothes etc. get them ready and put them somewhere safe. Call all the helplines you can think of. Don't alienate yourself talk to your family and friends. You can do this.

Chumbot Fri 10-May-13 14:40:05

Ladypippins how long have you been with your h? I have been with mine for 22 years.
It's a long time. I'm 46.
Thank you for all your advice.
I hope that I get offered the job next week. It will give me a little independence. Then I might get confidence to make some changes.

ladypippins Fri 10-May-13 16:13:44

20 years and married for 11! I was 18 when we got together. Since talking to my family about my plans and his behaviour they've said they didn't like the way he spoke to me and he was passive aggressive; I hadn't realised because I didn't know any better.

Our son is 2 and it was after he was born he started to get more physical (pushing and pressing his fist to my face). This site and the others mentioned are a godsend because it validates the behaviour is totally unacceptable and can't be rationalised.

I am starting to feel excited about what lies ahead-and my confidence is improving because I know I'm not the stupid bitch he tells me I am.

If you need extra strength Google 'emotional abuse against children' because, if they see it and hear it it will impact them. Understanding this gave me the extra strength I needed.

Chumbot Fri 10-May-13 16:19:38

My family don't like how my h speaks or treats me.

My sons are grown up 23 and 18.
They don't have any respect for him because of the way he has been. They are such fab kids and they are my world.
He is jealous of them in every way. He doesn't like how I put them before him.

As others have said - please contact womens aid.
The abuse you describe (and I expect you played some it down) sounds just horrendous!
Make that exit plan.
Good luck with your interview and everything else.
You can do this.

Chumbot Fri 10-May-13 17:44:42

Hellsbells thank you.

Thank you all for posting.

I will let you know how things go

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