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On the brink of an affair... Is there any way these things work out ok?

(141 Posts)
ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 22:32:52

I suppose I know the answer.

BTW, I am a regular, but have NC's for obvious reasons... Am not a troll, even though this could be considered a very troll-like first post.

I am on the brink of an affair.

I am married with two children. So is he. We both intend to stay with our spouses, but neither of us have active sex lives within our marriage, or much in the way of intimacy. Otherwise the marriages work ok. I wouldn't describe myself as massively happy or unhappy in mine. I am certainly not unhappy enough to disrupt mine, my husbands or my young childrens lives by separating. He is broadly in the same boat.

We met via work (but we don't work together). Instant chemistry and attraction on both sides.

We have been emailing and speaking on the phone. We have had coffee a couple of times. The last time in the middle of an innocuous conversation he reached over and kissed me. Neither entirely unexpected or unwelcome. We then went for a walk and kissed some more.

I know the next time we meet, we will probably end up sleeping together.

I never thought I would consider such a thing. But I've never felt more alive. I feel like a woman again, for the first time in years. Paradoxically, I feel good about myself for the first time in ages. Not good as in 'virtuous' obviously. But good as in interesting, desirable, womanly.

I don't know if want some sense talked to me, or reassurance that a dalliance doesn't have to mean the end of a marriage.

I'm bracing myself.

Fairenuff Wed 08-May-13 22:36:18

Might be ok for you. Not so much for your partners.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 08-May-13 22:37:12

Is this being done openly or are you both planning on lying to your partners?

Because open and honest, well, fair enough. But I don't think it's fair to deceive someone. If you aren't happy with a situation, then there are several things to do. Accept it, leave, demand change, suggest an open marriage, etc. But it's just not right to look someone in the eye and know you are going behind their back. Is it?

Would your husband mind, do you think?

I would think how you would feel if you found out your DH were doing the same thing.

CoffeePleaseSir Wed 08-May-13 22:40:39

I'm sure your husband and children will be over the moon & his wife/children as well!

You might not want your family to fall apart but what happens if/when your partners find out? Is it really worth that risk? The pain, hurt, torment, dishonesty....

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 08-May-13 22:40:41

The affair won't end your marriage as long as your husband, and his wife, consents to it before it begins.

Otherwise, it probably will. Imagine your husband doing what you are doing with another woman: sneaking off for coffee, kissing, planning to sleep together. Would you stay?

It's not the sex that will end the marriage. It's the lying and deceit and lack of respect that goes with it.

Sorry I'm being flippant. Walk away is the only advice I can give. You don't work together so just don't see him again. You don't want to separate so consider working on your marriage?

LEMisdisappointed Wed 08-May-13 22:42:11

Its just not worth it, even if you do this, and "get away with it" the guilt will stay with you for the rest of your life. That at is if you are lucky - if you re caught, you will devestate your children and his children. Dont do it.

ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 22:42:13

Yes, my husband would mind. So would his wife.

He has had several affairs before. They have run their course. His marriage is intact.

I'm not sure how I would feel if my husband were doing the same thing, TBH. He's away 2 weeks of every month on business. If he's here he's at work or at the gym. I wouldn't want to know about it though.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 08-May-13 22:44:14

Well obviously don't do it. It is dishonest and inconsiderate and could indeed result in the breakdown of your marriage. As everyone else has said, think about how you would feel if your DH were to do the same.

TakingTimeOut Wed 08-May-13 22:44:19

Please think of the hurt and betrayal before you go ahead with something like this. It's not just your DH, but your children who will also be affected. Can you honestly go back to your DH after sleeping with this man and not feel an ounce of guilt? Even if you feel the guilt - could you live with this?

Have respect for your DH and end it first before going behind his back.

Fairenuff Wed 08-May-13 22:44:57

I am certainly not unhappy enough to disrupt mine, my husbands or my young childrens lives by separating. He is broadly in the same boat

Just be aware that this bit will be out of your control. Once the deed is done it's just a matter of whether your partners find out or not. Even if it dies a death and is over and done with, never to be repeated, your dh could still find out months or even years later, and end your marriage.

Fools rush in and all that...

Xales Wed 08-May-13 22:45:55

So you would just be next in a long line of sleazy, lying, cheating shags for this man.

Glad to see you rate yourself so highly.

Make sure you use as much protection as possible with him you know he is happy to lie and cheat.

Redflagcatcher Wed 08-May-13 22:46:08

Run away. It will end badly. Either for you, him, your partners, but always the kids.

Stop it now before it gets too addictive. If you want to be with each other, I mean really, really want to be together and/or are unhappy due to lack of sex life (if true) split up from your spouses first, have some time on your own and then review your desire for each other.

His lack of sex life in his marriage might just be because he's out chasing other women. That could be the same for you, if you became his wife.

Not sure what the reason for lack of sex life in your marriage is, could you inject your new found sexual feelings into your marriage?

elastamum Wed 08-May-13 22:47:08

Don't do it. You cannot imagine the harm the fallout could do to your family. My ex had serial affairs then left us. 5 years on my wonderful DS is in therapy as a result of the issues his dads unexpected departure caused.

Would you do that to your kids? hmm

WinkyWinkola Wed 08-May-13 22:47:39

He's had several affairs before? He sounds professional! What a treat you have before you. Hope he's STI free with all that exposure. His poor wife.

Personally, I'd turn back to my marriage and try and work out how to make it better instead of throwing a grenade into my husband and dc's world.

Leverette Wed 08-May-13 22:47:41

It shouldn't take the amorous attentions of a deceitful, lying toad to make you "feel like a woman" etc

If this goes any further, even if your DH/DCs never know, you will despise yourself.

You sound highly infatuated and I doubt it would take much for you to feel that you've fallen for him...but it's just loving how he makes you feel about yourself.

He'll probably then drop you from a great height and you will go through absolute hell, trying to grieve in private.

Make the commitment to yourself to be a better person than this.

Do you want to work on your marriage? Nevermind the other man, what about you and your husband? What behaviour do you want to model for your children? What do you want them to learn from you, about relationships?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 08-May-13 22:48:53

Well, only you can decide if you are happy to accept any or all of the possible consequences of your choice and if you are happy to lie to your husband.

It sounds like you are just the latest in a long line of warm places for this guy to rest his cock. Is that ok with you? That it's not you, it's just that you're willing?

Are you ok with the possibility of your husband finding out and deciding to leave you and the knock on effect on your children?

Are you ok with the fact that you'll have to look your husband in the eye and lie to him?

If you don't care about all the ways in which it has the potential to come crashing down around you, then fair enough. But if it does blow up in your face - don't feel sorry for yourself. Accept whatever may happen as a consequence of your choice. There'll be no place for regret or tears or anything - because you'll have chosen that path.

Just think carefully before you make a choice to do something that you can't ever take back.

He has had several affairs before.

So have enough respect for yourself not to become the next convenient hole for him to stick his cock into. Because that's all you'll be. Don't fool yourself that you will be anything else.

jkklpu Wed 08-May-13 22:50:04

The bloke sounds awful, tbh. You sound bored and prepared to risk your family life on this serial cheat and liar. You know how people are going to react so why bother posting - to boast about this exciting new avenue? Charming.

Leverette Wed 08-May-13 22:50:08

And he's had several affairs before! I'm sorry but he's clearly a philandering tart, for want of a better word. Don't make the extremely naive mistake of being flattered - you're just the latest prey.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 08-May-13 22:50:27

There was a thread on here a week or so ago about a woman who'd cheated six or seven years ago. It'd ended and her marriage had improved hugely.

Her husband found out, and left. He was so furious and hurt that he wouldn't even speak to her. He made strict childcare arrangements and they split. She was heart broken.

She got a pasting on here, because she'd cheated. And that's a terrible thing to do.

You've already let this go too far. With a man who is an experienced cheat, who is always chasing his next bit of skirt. He's probably told you are a different, of course, but I bet he said the same to every one of the women before you.

Sleep with him, and you've ended any right you had to stay in your marriage. You know your husband will end it when he finds out, so don't kid yourself otherwise. Until he does find out, you'll just be living on borrowed time.

Hopasholic Wed 08-May-13 22:50:34

I am certainly not unhappy enough to disrupt mine, husbands or my young children's lives by separating........

^ this^^

But you ARE happy enough to disrupt theirs and other peoples lives by having an affair? Don't be a bloody fool.

Pigsmummy Wed 08-May-13 22:50:58

Deep down you know this wrong and the fallout should this blow up could affect your, or hus children.

fieldfare Wed 08-May-13 22:52:09


Just that! Have some self respect.

IsItMeOr Wed 08-May-13 22:56:08

Have to agree with Hecsy and DrGoogle, it does rather sound as if he's cottoned on to having affairs with married women being a good way to spice up his sex life with less chance that she's going to expect him to leave his wife for her.

So you're just a "type" to him, rather than an individual.

And really, is it such a surprise that somebody taking an interest in you makes you feel more attractive?

It sounds like you want more attention from your husband, tbh. I would take this as a wake-up call to try and improve your communication. If you go down this path you will be risking breaking up your marriage, and your OP does not read at all as if that is something you want to entertain.

ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 22:56:48

Yes, I have no doubt he is a complete cad. I wouldn't want to marry him or have a long term relationship. He flatters me, makes me feel like a goddess. I know he is practiced, so he would. But it feels good. It is so long since I have felt anything but a thing.

My marital sex life has always been dire. I used to try very hard to make it better, but H thinks there is no problem, even though I don't and never have orgasmed with him. I think he assumes this is 100% my problem not anything to do with him. I've tried making suggestions, they are disregarded. I've pretty much come to the point where I know I will never be fulfilled sexually with him.

But otherwise we rub along well enough. Lack of sex doesn;t seem like a good enough reason to end it.

But just now the thought of never, ever again having great sex, seems a dismal prospect.

I think that's why the idea that I might be able to have great sex, allbeit outside my marriage, is so intoxicating.

hettie Wed 08-May-13 22:57:52

would you consider relationship therapy or psycho-sexual therapy for your marriage (legitimate therapy- not weird tantra shit....) tp try and improve things.....
If so try here or here

TakingTimeOut Wed 08-May-13 22:58:55

You said you've already been kissing with this man - you've already over-stepped the mark there. That's betrayal in itself already. Especially when you know it's more than likely going to end up with you sleeping together.

If my DH even kissed another woman the trust would be gone on that alone.

But hey, that's just me.

Hatpin Wed 08-May-13 22:59:51

I had an affair. My ex-H found out 3 weeks after it started. He filed for divorce 4 weeks later.

Are you prepared for a life changing scenario like that? It was as bad as you can possibly imagine and it happened very fast.

cupcake78 Wed 08-May-13 23:02:34

Just don't do it! Learn from it and make the necessary changes to your family life.

Once you've done it you can never ever undo it. Nothing is worth it.

LookingForwardToMarch Wed 08-May-13 23:02:39

You do realise you are just his latest conquest right?

Don't kid yourself that you are even remotely 'special' or 'interesting' to this kind of man.

He's probably just bored.

ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 23:03:45

Difficult to imagine how our marital sex-life might improve... Even with therapy.

DH would have tp be in the country, for one, then not too busy with work, and subsequently willing to accept some responsibility. And why would he? He's satisfied enough. The fact that I "can't" orgasm with him – my problem...

I know you're all completely 100% right.

I just want... I want these feelings.

Samebod Wed 08-May-13 23:04:26

Why don't you leave your dh and then start the 'affair' in the physical sense.

Bit scary non?

Right way toward though if you are unhappy with sexless marriage -or you could mention to dh that you can live without a sexless marriage and that you feel you can't continue?

I work in a place where there are over 1500 employees and affairs are rife.

Men like yours seem to have an inbuilt radar for vulnerable women who will drop their knickers in exchange for a bit of flattery.

Your self esteem is obviously on the floor, work on that instead of working on how you can shag this loser and get away with it.

Fairenuff Wed 08-May-13 23:06:24

Did he tell you that he doesn't have sex with his wife? Do you believe him? A man that you know for a fact is willing to lie? Don't be fooled.

LookingForwardToMarch Wed 08-May-13 23:06:27

Try to think hard on that.

Will those 'feelings' still seem worth it when your explaining to your children where daddy has gone?

That is a very real risk and consequence of those 'feelings'

fieldfare Wed 08-May-13 23:06:28

Then leave him and find someone available to have those feelings with.

SacreBlue Wed 08-May-13 23:07:15

It is so long since I have felt anything but a thing. ironically since you know he's a cad, this is precisely what you are to him.

Just another thing to stick his thing in sad

Don't waste yourself in a seedy affair with some two bit player and making yourself into one too

Don't be that thing, be human and work out things on your own, with your DH, or with a counsellor.

"We both intend to stay with our spouses, but neither of us have active sex lives within our marriage, "

Bla bla bla.

ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 23:09:27

Very scary.

I have thought about it.

Don't know how we'd manage though. Me and the children. Financially, it would be a nightmare. Hugely devastating for the children, and disruptive as schooling would have to change etc.

Biggest barrier for me is the thought that I would have to have time away from the children when they were at their Dad's. That is an intolerable thought. Unfathomable.

Like I said we don't really row. We co-operate pretty well day to day. Life is ok. He is not abusive. I couldn't imagine putting my children through a divorce because I am not fulfilled.

And yet.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Wed 08-May-13 23:09:43

How about having a bit of self respect? Is that all you're worth - linking about behind your husband's back for some cheap thrills?

Demand a better marriage for yourself or leave. It's the grown up, responsible thing to do. You have to be able to look yourself in the eye in that mirror with a bit of self-regard, surely?

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Wed 08-May-13 23:10:04


And all for an illicit shag, eh?


thistlelicker Wed 08-May-13 23:10:41

Have your affair! Shatter your family, and there's! And fingers crossed it was worth it!

joanofarchitrave Wed 08-May-13 23:10:42

'If my DH even kissed another woman the trust would be gone on that alone.'

I still think there's a difference between a kiss and sex. I would bet that the OP's husband thinks so too.

'I know the next time we meet, we will probably end up sleeping together.'

So don't meet. Did you really expect any other response?

It sounds as if your marriage is on borrowed time. You need to go and tell your husband that things are as bad as this, while you can still look him straight in the eye.

HighJinx Wed 08-May-13 23:10:50

Either your marriage is bad enough to leave or good enough to stay.

You have no right to pick some other option based on lies and deceit.

Fairenuff Wed 08-May-13 23:10:55

You said that, apart from the dire sex life, everything else was good in the marriage. Now you say that your dh isn't around a lot and you are dissatisfied with this.

I think you and your dh need to talk properly about these very important relationship issues. With the help of a professional counsellor if necessary.

Cheating on him is not only papering over the cracks, it's knocking down the foundations of trust and respect.

Scarletohello Wed 08-May-13 23:11:31

Hettle- if you knew anything about Tantra you wouldn't call it 'weird shit', I did 2 year long Tantra courses and it was one of the most beautiful, healing and empowering things I had ever done. It can also be fantastic for couples to reinvigorate their sex life ( but only if they already have a good relationship, otherwise it will show up the cracks in their relationship) I'm always amazed how people are so quick to pass judgement on things they know nothing about.

Anyway OP, what you love is the way you feel when you are with him, desirable , alive, sexy etc. Those feelings are inside YOU! Are there any other ways you can get to feel those things without having an affair? If your husband is a selfish lover I'm not surprised you are attracted to this man. Go for it if you wish, but there will be consequences. I wish you good luck. Xx

sarahseashell Wed 08-May-13 23:14:08

If you want those feelings then either see if you can get them in your marriage and if not then leave, get divorced, and find them later in life with a new partner/partners. Or even this sleaze chap if he does the same

TakingTimeOut Wed 08-May-13 23:16:46

Joan, that would depend on if it was a kiss or lots of kissing.

It's obvious the OP's self esteem and confidence are low. OP, I think some sort of therapy would be good - even if it's some sort to help with those issues.

Stay away from this man - he is after a bit of skirt and that's it. Busy yourself with your children, friends, family - anything you can. Just cut contact completely. It's not worth the risk.

HighJinx Wed 08-May-13 23:19:50

OP, what strikes me from your posts is that you know this is wrong. So aside from a bit of tawdry sexual excitement it will actually make you feel worse about everything in the long run.

You might try to convince yourself that you can justify your actions but if you had no conscience about this you would never have posted this thread.

If you are unhappy and unfulfilled then of course you need to work to remedy that but this really does seem to me to be hitting the self destruct button.

Or maybe you want your H to find out and take the choice out of your hands?

CutMyFringe Wed 08-May-13 23:23:47

Focus on your kids then. Think of the nights and days when you are home alone and their rooms are empty because they are with your DH - because of what you did.

I suppose you could carry on and not get caught but it sounds very intense and if so, I imagine there will be fallout.

Try the therapy PPs have recommended. Don't cheapen yourself and your family.

Monty27 Wed 08-May-13 23:24:01

Which would your dc's think better of you for doing? Cutting it and leaving? Or being a complete and utter dishonest and unfaithfuly untrustworthy individual.

Your call, you know everyone involved, I don't. Thank goodness.

DumSpiroSpero Wed 08-May-13 23:24:01

I couldn't imagine putting my children through a divorce because I am not fulfilled.

If you go ahead with this affair, you may find you don't get the luxury of choosing.

I feel for you, I really do - but having an affair with this bloke (who frankly sounds like a bit of twat) is not going to help anyone in the long run.

I think you need to have a very serious talk with your DH, and if after completely laying your cards on the table he can't/won't make an effort then you will just have to choose between your current lifestyle or making a clean break.

Monty27 Wed 08-May-13 23:25:00

By the way OP, I do feel for you, but do the right thing for your loved ones.

toomanyeasterbunnies Wed 08-May-13 23:25:24

I am certainly not unhappy enough to disrupt mine, my husbands or my young childrens lives by separating. So why embark on an affair?

Yes, you may start feeling more alive from the thrill of it all. But at the same time you will start becoming even more unhappy within your marriage. You will find fault with everything your dh is doing so you can justify your affair. Eventually, you will tell your husband you don't love him as he will seem boring and full of faults. This in itself could risk your marriage, let alone your dh finding out. You may think that this won't happen but it will.. It always does.

Please don't do this. Talk to your dh. Then perhaps you won't disrupt your family and cause absolute heartbreak.

Monty27 Wed 08-May-13 23:37:17

Good post Too and also, your dc's will pick up on it. Not good.

Fairenuff Wed 08-May-13 23:43:20

You like the way the om makes you feel right now. How will you like it when he shags you and dumps you? Because that could also happen, right? You have said that he is a serial cheater, so once he has got his leg over with you he will move on to the next one.

Not going to be great for your self esteem is it? You won't feel all desirable and sexy then, you will feel like you have been used. And you will also feel guilty. And you will probably also feel worried that you dh will find out and kick your sorry arse out.

ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 23:44:32

Yes, you may start feeling more alive from the thrill of it all. But at the same time you will start becoming even more unhappy within your marriage.

I would say this has probably happened already...

Been plodding on for years. Too exhausted to really do anything when the children were really little.

NO I have some energy back, looking round and thinking " Can I live like this forever?".

I don't want a divorce.

I do want a fulfilling sex life. I really don't see how any amount of sexual therapy is going to help me get that within my marriage, as I suspect we are fundamentally incompatible in this department. Sadly didn't know that before we got married.

I know I have to stop this affair-in-waiting. But the thought leaves me feeling utterly desperate.

HighJinx Wed 08-May-13 23:47:32

I don't think the lack of a fulfilling sex life is all that is wrong with your marriage though is it?

It is a symptom. Otherwise you would be able to talk about it with your H and work at it.

DreamingofSummer Wed 08-May-13 23:48:30


As simple as that

Lazyjaney Wed 08-May-13 23:49:57

Lots of harrumphing on here, but IMO once sex is not happening for some period of time and if you need sex, then all bets are off anyway, the only issue becomes how and when it ends.

ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 23:51:57

I honestly don;t know if the sex life problems are a symptom or a cause. It was a problem before there were other issues.

There are other issues, I know that.

But I don't know how many of them stem from being massively unhappy in the area.

I know it is unforgivable, but you can see why, in a weak moment, I could get to thinking that if I could just have great sex somewhere, I might be happier.

DumSpiroSpero Wed 08-May-13 23:53:05

How do you think your husband would react if you were completely up front with him and told him that the lack of sex had led to you having feelings for someone else?

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 08-May-13 23:53:06

Ontheprecipice, what will you do when your DH finds out (because he will)?

ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 23:53:26

Lazyjaney - I have sex with my husband, otherwise he is unbearable.

There's nothing in it for me though. It's another household duty to perform, really.

Dreadful to say, but true.

Monty27 Wed 08-May-13 23:54:01

Well then OP it's all about you then isn't it?

ontheprecipice Thu 09-May-13 00:00:11

Right now, Monty27, in this regard, maybe it is.

ontheprecipice Thu 09-May-13 00:02:58

I suppose I just feel like I have 3 options
1 stay married and resign myself to never enjoying sex again
2 get divorced, deal with the fallout and hope I meet someone else
3 have great sex outside my marriage

I know there ought to be
4 find a way of having great sex with my husband.

But I just don't see that happening...

joanofarchitrave Thu 09-May-13 00:06:28

It does happen though, every day. People having shit sex, or even no sex, who manage to turn things around and start having good sex again.

I'm not trying to discard your husband's role in this; things have to change between you. Inserting a new person into your marriage is a sure-fire way to end it in the messiest way possible.

OrWellyAnn Thu 09-May-13 00:10:16

2 things.

Firstly you will be gutted if you shag this Man because you are desperate for good sex, and then HE is also shitty in bed (players often are, they are intrinsically selfish) and THEN your marriage ends because your DH finds out.

Secondly the risks you face if you leave DH (in your post at 23:09) are no different to the risks you take if you have an affair and DH leaves YOU.

Actually, you know what? There's a are holding on, in this marriage that doesn't make you happy, because you are scared of the consequences of leaving. Have you thought about how you'll feel if your DH decides to leave you somewhere down the line because he is as unhappy as you? of all the time you could be wasting in an unhappy marriage? Time you will never get back, hours, days, minutes you spend unfulfilled and feeling unloved when you could be in a rewarding fulfilling relationship? (Even if at first that relationship is with yourself, getting to know and like who you are again!)
Don't waste your life like this, you are clearly unhappy about lots more than the sex. If it were just the sex I'd say stay and figure something out together, but it's so obvious it's a lot more than that!

ontheprecipice Thu 09-May-13 00:11:27

It does happen though, every day. People having shit sex, or even no sex, who manage to turn things around and start having good sex again.

Does it though? Even when they've NEVER had good sex?

Or if one half of the relationship thinks it's just fine?

If I believed it was possible... well, maybe I wouldn't feel so desperate about it. But I have to say I find it highly improbable for a variety of reasons.

Monty27 Thu 09-May-13 00:11:55

OP as I said upthread I do feel for you. If Option 4 is a non-runner, Option 2 is the best you can do for your loved ones, that's all. I'm not judging, I just think it will make matters worse on many levels.

Also, how much respect can you and your potential affair have for each other when it dawns on you that neither of you are faithful people.

OK, so I'm a monogomous (don't know if I've spelt that correctly), and each to their own. Just be careful, don't hurt anyone and don't hurt yourself, that will affect you're dc's and whole family situ even worse than breaking it. Be honest with yourself and them. As I say maybe it's me, but it would eat me up inside.

Scarletohello Thu 09-May-13 00:12:24

If you are so unhappy in your marriage, what is stopping you from leaving it? Also if all you want is " great sex outside the marriage" you could go on an NSA website and just have some great, unemotionally attached sex. But I suspect that's not what you really want...

Lazyjaney Thu 09-May-13 00:19:38

Ah OK I thought you meant you had no sex life.

Still, I dont judge people in moribund relatio ships, I dont see why they should always be kept going.

Also, its not all bad news -statistically many affairs are never discovered, some people report it helps them keep the marriage going, others eventually see it as their way of exiting a dying relationship.

In an ideal world you are supposed to divorce first and then find love, but IME you can count the people who do that on one hand.

I guess the real question you have to answer OP is how would you handle the worst case?

SnoopyLovesYou Thu 09-May-13 00:31:01

Sorry about this but do you have a vibrator? If not you should get one. The other posters who say that you need to improve your self esteem and discover yourself are right. Satisfy yourself sexually first. Have great sex with yourself. your sexual desires MATTER. I think your husband sounds horrible!!!! How can he enjoy sex with you and not feel the need to make it enjoyable for you????

Maybe once you've satisfied yourself in this arena, you'll have a calmer vantage point from which to view things ;-)

fluffymindy Thu 09-May-13 00:42:41

Whatever way you paint it, it is just shagging...

jynier Thu 09-May-13 00:51:20

Old woman here; have only read your original post.

Don't have an affair! It will lead to misery eventually. Try and get things sorted out with your H and THEN make a decision.

joanofarchitrave Thu 09-May-13 00:53:14

ontheprecipice - yes I guess it's much less likely if you've never had good sex at all. f

theigloohaslanded Thu 09-May-13 00:56:12

Go for it!

Monty27 Thu 09-May-13 00:57:49

Fluffy Shagging is great, right time, right place, right person. And when it's right. Not when it's wrong. Would you agree? smile

perfectstorm Thu 09-May-13 01:00:57

^Difficult to imagine how our marital sex-life might improve... Even with therapy.

DH would have tp be in the country, for one, then not too busy with work, and subsequently willing to accept some responsibility. And why would he? He's satisfied enough. The fact that I "can't" orgasm with him – my problem...^

If he's insisting on sex while not caring if you want it, never mind enjoy it, and he bullies you into conceding, then yeah IMO that's abusive. You don't owe anyone your vagina, full stop. And while you offer really solid reasons for not wanting the marriage to end, you owe it to the kids to try to sort things out with their father. A decent counsellor, if you say what you have here, will not allow him to dismiss your distaste for sex with him as your problem alone. They will not allow him to claim your sexual satisfaction is your sole responsibility.

Frankly in your shoes I'd tell him sex is a privilege, not a right, and if he is too lazy to try to make you feel desired and desiring then tough shit. If he threatens an affair you can offer an open marriage, no problem. He's taking you for granted, and you are looking elsewhere, and this can only end badly. You can force therapy and then you can try to turn the ship around.

And I couldn't agree more that you need to explore your own sexuality, too. Have you a Kindle? When he's away download some erotic fiction, see what you enjoy there and what turns you on. You aren't a form of sexual household appliance, no wonder you don't want sex with him. But an affair with an arse is not the best, nor the only, possible outlet.

Charbon Thu 09-May-13 01:01:30

I'm afraid I think the die is cast now. I honestly cannot see you backing away from this now it has got this far.

It seems to be more a question of how you manage the situation in the future. Hopefully you're pragmatic enough to realise that this isn't a meeting of minds and that none of this is about your individual personal qualities and high regard for eachother. You are instead playing 'prop' roles in eachother's lives. His is to make you start a love affair with yourself again and yours is to provide yet another pleasant and interesting diversion in his life. In truth you could be just about anyone to eachother, so bear that in mind in your evaluation of this situation.

This is high-risk stuff because affairs are so often discovered and the situation you seek to prevent could be taken out of your hands. The riskiest affairs are with married people because their partners' actions on discovery are out of your control and many seek to inform the OW's spouse. Your risk assessment should factor in whether you will be able to cope with your marriage ending, seeing less of your children and your husband and others blaming you for your actions.

It is always a mistake to settle for an unsatisfactory sexual relationship but if you're not prepared to end a marriage for this perfectly sound reason (and has been pointed out, it's never the only reason) then it is a very passive-aggressive act to seek a covert prop to enable you to continue making a bad life choice.

If you weren't so far along in this dilemma, I'd suggest some counselling on your own to examine why you're choosing this route instead of a more transparent and open way of operating, but I suspect unless you pull back which seems unlikely, that would be wasted just now.

In the initial stages of an affair, it is common for a difficult marriage to seem easier to bear and many people (and their partners) recall afterwards that an early delusion was that the affair was a good thing because of improved mood and temperament at home.

This rarely lasts for both of the participants. What tends to happen eventually is that one gets more involved emotionally than the other, or more addicted to the sex and the painful craving of it, while others find the sneaking around, guilt and deception overwhelming and stressful. In most cases, there is collateral intrusion and damage in Real Life and this is especially true of people in first affairs.

If you're certain that you cannot build a satisfactory sex-life with your husband, the mature thing to do would be to acknowledge that your methods of coping with that have run out of steam and that you don't want to continue living that way. That is a perfectly reasonable position to be in. But the adult and assertive way to deal with that would be to end the relationship kindly and achieve a good co-parenting relationship. The alternative and passive-aggressive way of dealing with your expired coping mechanisms would be to have an affair.

It's notoriously difficult to see things clearly when you are blinded by lust and a renewed infatuation with yourself, but it's helpful to acknowledge that your actions now will be active choices with full awareness of the risks involved.

theigloohaslanded Thu 09-May-13 01:08:43

sounds like none of our fellow contributors has ever a) been in your position, b) been tempted or c) will admit it.

To feel alive = great
my only problem is he sounds like a knob

jamakatab Thu 09-May-13 01:13:44

Yes, you go ahead - have an affair, you know you're going to.
Feel like a woman again.
Indulge yourself and BE selfish for once.
You are interesting and womanly - why shouldn't you revel in it?

Don't give any thought to your husband's anguish if he finds out; why should you consider HIS feelings? It's YOU that's important now and having YOUR needs met should come FIRST! He DESERVES to be cheated on because - well, I guess because you decided he does. If he kicks up a fuss (although why should he?) you can reassure him that it is not your INTENTION to leave him - I think you could also point out that if HE decides to 'disrupt' the marriage because of your affair IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

So you have a couple of kids - okay, they'll be upset, their lives will be torn apart and they'll cry themselves to sleep for a while, but you'll still get to see them after the divorce. Life is tough, it's good for them to learn that lesson when they're young.

You don't need to give any thought to the other guy's wife and kids - they're NOT your problem. Anyway the guy's a habitual liar and cheat - I guess his family's probably used to dealing with the fall-out each time another woman comes on the scene.

I like the word 'dalliance' - good choice. Gets away from nasty words like 'affair' - that smacks too much of lying and cheating and deceit and what you're doing is just feeling ALIVE and WOMANLY. And I'm glad that you're feeling good about yourself as you prepare for your GREAT ADVENTURE - it will help when you're explaining to family and friends WHY you made the choice you did to wreck your marriage. Although a word of caution here; as someone else has already suggested I would visit the clinic and get tested regularly once you're into the affair because having chlamydia is NOT a good feeling I understand.

So, you go ahead and enjoy your affair!

Oh, one more thing - when it all blows up in your face and the OM's wife is in bits because her marriage has finally gone under - do try and get a message to her that she'll find lots of support here on MN.

As you have done. wink

cronullansw Thu 09-May-13 01:27:12

Perfectstorm says ''Frankly in your shoes I'd tell him sex is a privilege, not a right, and if he is too lazy to try to make you feel desired and desiring then tough shit. If he threatens an affair you can offer an open marriage, no problem.''

And shes pretty much spot on - IF you choose to go this route, I'm not so sure about the next paragraph tho, as reading a book might not be enough smile

But a full blown affair? Well, if you can separate the emotion from the penetration, then I don't see why not, you'll need some basics, like spare phones, 2nd email accounts, using the private option in Chrome or IE8 and a new gym membership as cover for your absences and returning home freshly showered......

perfectstorm Thu 09-May-13 01:43:53

And shes pretty much spot on - IF you choose to go this route, I'm not so sure about the next paragraph tho, as reading a book might not be enough

Oh, it wasn't instead of an open marriage, if that's what they go for. It was something I think she needs to do for herself - erotica, toys, whatever. It sounds like she isn't too sure of what sexual stimulation she needs (and in a marriage as grim as that one sounds, who would be) and I think she'd do well to get back in touch with that aspect of herself before looking for anyone else to satisfy it.

Bluntly sexual partners need to be pretty good before they can match skilled masturbation, IMO. I'm very happily married, now, but until I got together with DH sex was emotional in payoff, more than physical. Knowing what does it for her at her own pace is important - anyone who doesn't think self-management is extremely rewarding is IMO doing it wrong. And if the OP's potential affair partner is a bastard and married then DIY would almost certainly be a saner route, while she makes at least an attempt to haul her marriage back on track.

I very much doubt her husband will go for the open route, but if he tries to emotionally blackmail her with the "I have needs" line, it's certainly a response that may push him into agreeing to the couples counselling.

This conversation is way blunter than I usually am, but sod it. I'm done with pussyfooting around this subject, ever since reading about those insane parents trying to stop their kids reading Anne Frank's unexpurgated diary in schools.

OP a hole and corner, illicit affair isn't the answer, I don't think. Tackling your husband's seeming belief that you are an object for his use is, as is getting in touch with what you want, sexually, for yourself. Another woman's bastard husband is not the answer, no.

perfectstorm Thu 09-May-13 01:47:31

Well, if you can separate the emotion from the penetration, then I don't see why not, you'll need some basics, like spare phones, 2nd email accounts, using the private option in Chrome or IE8 and a new gym membership as cover for your absences

He's married, and there are enough men fucking women over in this world without other women assisting the process.

cuillereasoupe Thu 09-May-13 07:29:39

You've gone from "happy enough in my marriage" to "never had good sex" in the course of this thread. I see the self-justifying rewriting of history has already begun.

Here's an idea: why don't you look your husband in the eye and lie to his face about something trivial, and see how that makes you feel? It might give you a heads-up about how you'd cope with the inevitable guilt.

cory Thu 09-May-13 08:05:51

Think seriously about what you are going to tell your children. Finding out afterwards that your parent has been lying to you and that the family you thought you had was based on a lie is a good deal more devastating than being told that your parents are divorcing because they have fallen out of love. I have recently seen a young lad of my acquaintance having to deal with this and it was not a pretty sight, seeing how everything he thought he knew about his childhood crumbled to pieces.

cory Thu 09-May-13 08:07:42

How do you even know that this affair is going to provide you with great sex? He may be absolutely crap in bed.

Oh and enjoy the respect from your colleagues when they suss you both out. Should do wonders for your reputation there .........

Branleuse Thu 09-May-13 08:10:48

tell your husband that youre unhappy and have considered cheating but havent done it and you think urgent work either needs to be done on your relationship or would he consider an open relationship

Leave your husband. It isn't a marriage really is it? Having an affair won't fix your dissatisfaction with your marriage, I promise you. So you have to decide, embark on a lifetime of affairs like your paramour, face the fact that you will be forever deceiving your husband, forever running the risk that he will find out, and your children will find out - all those things are likely. Imagine in ten years, your kids are teenagers, you have had several affairs by then and your husband, children, friends, family find out you are a serial shagger? Imagine the humiliation. That is very likely to happen. That's option A - option B is to leave your husband and start living for yourself. Sure it won't be easy but it will be short term pain for long term gain.
Or option C- gird your loins and ditch the OM, and accept that your 'ok' marriage doesn't include good sex.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 09-May-13 08:19:28

You can make the choice to have an affair but not every choice after that will be yours.

You never did answer me when I asked if you will accept without self pity any consequence that may happen as a result of an affair you may have.

What is sex to you?

Because to me, the physical act itself is a few spasms in the genitals and a lot of mess.

Now, if what you're talking is the emotion around it, the feeling wanted, desired, attractive - that's not the same thing.

If you want a few spasms in the genitals you can do that yourself. You don't need him to give you one. They are not gifts for him to bestow. I don't want to get graphic but on your own or during sex, you can sort yourself out. Take responsibility for your own orgasm.

If your actual problem is you feel that your husband doesn't desire you or care about your pleasure , then you need to talk honestly and openly with him. You need to tell him in words of one syllable that you aren't happy and you aren't putting up with it any more.

Reading your later posts, you have said a couple of things that make me feel like it isn't actually about genital spasms. You say that your husband thinks there is no problem and you think he assumes that you not orgasming is your problem and nothing to do with him. You say that he isn't interested in any of your suggestions. Worse, you say that you have to allow him to have sex with you otherwise he is 'unbearable'.

This is a problem.

Badvoc Thu 09-May-13 08:19:41

Next time you see this man imagine yourself saying goodbye to your children for their weekly weekend visits and summer holidays with their father.
You are evidently just one in long line of needy women that this serial adulterer preys on.
Try working on your marriage.

Fairenuff Thu 09-May-13 08:26:32

You don't like sex with your dh because you don't like him. No-one would enjoy sex with someone they don't like. He does behave as if you are an appliance, sorry. It sounds like you get nothing from your marriage except financial stability and full access to your children.

If you separated, you would have a good chance of meeting someone who, not only desires you and makes you feel attractive, but also respects, admires, loves and cherishes you. You could have a full, loving relationship with someone who deserves to be with you.

You have said that divorce is absolutely not a choice you want to take but if you cheat then that choice is taken from you. At the moment you are in control. You can say no to sex with your dh and start to make life better for yourself.

An affair would last, how long? A few weeks, couple of months, maybe a bit longer. And then what. Back to the bullying husband, or look around for another easy shag?

You're not thinking straight, you really don't have a very high opinion of yourself. You are worth more than either of these men are offering.

CinnabarRed Thu 09-May-13 08:32:53

What perfectstorm says - she talks sense.

I'm not liking the sound of your DH, TBH. Are there any areas of your relationship - any at all - where he puts your needs and preferences on a par with his own? Not above, just equal to?

CinnabarRed Thu 09-May-13 08:34:14

And Hec. Having to have sex with your DH to stop him behaving unbearably is wrong on so many levels.

If you need to have an affair, at least chose a man who is single.

purplewithred Thu 09-May-13 08:50:44

I had an affair too. I was unhappy in our marriage, DH had no idea how unhappy I was.

It was the single worst thing I could possibly have done. Devastating to the whole family and when XDH and I split up I was the bad bitch who'd shagged another bloke (true) and he became the bad-done-to martyr (not so true).

My advice: do without, or get a divorce.

Another ditto to perfectstorm.

Like purplewithred I had affairs in my last marriage. They happened because I was so deeply unhappy, so downtrodden that it was a childish and stupid way of hurting/hitting back at my husband. Luckily I had a moment of realisation and I ended the marriage, and yes, he could portray me as a slaggy bitch, but actually, I don't give a fuck. The affairs were the symptom, not the cause.

And this soon-to-happen affair of yours, is also a symptom. A symptom of your deep unhappiness. But you have a choice to not be the slaggy bitch, you have a choice to really think hard about what you want. Your husband sounds like an arse, and a double-ditto to all the comments about him using you like a household appliance. How DARE he not take any responsibility for your sexual enjoyment. I would be fuming.

It does sound like you really need to work hard on your self-esteem, to find some strength to either change your marriage, or get out and accept that life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage just because you are scared of the future.

If you're the type of woman who believes in fidelity and monogamy, then you will not feel better about yourself after you have sex with your lover, even if it is mind-blowingly good. (And not all players are selfish when it comes to sex - I disagree with that particular PP).

So go find a mirror, look yourself in the eye and tell yourself that you deserve to be happy in all aspects of your life. Then make the changes that get you there. I suspect this player is not one of the changes that you need to make though.

Peregrin Thu 09-May-13 09:15:34

I cannot but echo perfectstorm as well.

If you are sceptical of the merits of therapy in your case, how about contacting an organisation like Relate first on your own and putting your questions to them (i.e. is there any hope of a sexually fulfilling relationship with your husband if you have never enjoyed sex with him before?)

scaevola Thu 09-May-13 09:17:51

If you go ahead, you are choosing an option 5 - ending the marriage in any meaningful sense, just not telling your H.

Actually, to have reached this point, you have already done so.

You are choosing the most messy and harmful option. And it is entirely your choice.

You are already lying and betraying your H and your DCs. You are choosing the path that will maximise their pain and yours. Now, you are free to make this choice. But do not delude yourself about its serious and far-reaching consequences.

fluffyanimal Thu 09-May-13 09:42:38

I have sex with my husband, otherwise he is unbearable.

Your marriage is over. It has been for a long time. What you describe above is not a marriage, not in the true emotional sense. What you have currently is a live-in co-parenting arrangement. You can still have the workable co-parenting arrangement if you separate; in fact, you have a much better chance of keeping the otherwise civil day-to-day collaboration you have with your husband if you separate now, rather than when (that's when, not if) your affair gets discovered.

I don't think there is any point trying to save your marriage as frankly, from what you describe, you didn't get the whole package to start with. I also think that on some unconscious level you actually want this affair to lead to the break-up of your marriage, to take it out of your hands, because you can't face taking it on yourself and doing it the honest way. But believe me, the break-up after the affair route is much worse than the break-up for more honest reasons.

You worry about devastating the children; children survive divorce. Yes, it's awful for them, but it will be easier for them to come to terms with if they understand that mummy and daddy weren't happy and decided to do something about it, rather than mummy hurt daddy by loving another man (and no matter how much you could paint your husband as the bad guy, they will feel a terrible, soul-rending sympathy for the betrayed parent).

One last thing: you say the OM has had a string of affairs and his marriage is intact. It isn't; his marriage is a house of cards, only his wife doesn't know it. Yet.

confusionoftheillusion Thu 09-May-13 10:00:06

I have tried to PM you OP but am getting an error message. Let me know if you receive.

Pinkyorkbunny Thu 09-May-13 10:35:10

If you really want to have sex with this other person please end your marriage first. If you don't want your marriage to end, then take time out to consider what you want and don't rush into things. You'll only end up hurting everyone else (husband and children) if you embark on such an affair.

wrinklyraisin Thu 09-May-13 11:50:23

Choosing to embark on an affair (which you're already having, in my eyes) is selfish and inexcusable. If your needs aren't being met in your current marriage, then either work on it or end it! There's no good excuse for an affair IMO. Don't become yet another "woe is me I want to feel alive" statistic. Choosing to deceive and hurt in order to feel "alive" is not acceptable, you know this in your heart. Do the right thing and choose to act honorably. You'll feel better in the long run. Life is too short to be miserable, but it's too long to have to live with the guilt and fallout if you don't do the right thing.

Isetan Thu 09-May-13 12:56:36

Lack of sex doesn;t seem like a good enough reason to end it.

If lack of sex is a good enough reason to have sex outside your marriage without your H's consent, then yeah,it's a good enough reason to end it.

Accept it, change it or leave it. You have honourable choices about dealing with your sexless marriage, impaling yourself on a untrustworthy penis ain't one of them.

You'd be surprised by how fast the "I feel so alive" feelings get replaced by the sinking and shit kind that come with being a liar and a cheat.

Xales Thu 09-May-13 13:03:46

Do you use condoms with your H?

You will of course after having even protected sex with a third party as they are not 100% effective against STIs and no one deserves that risk.


Mosman Thu 09-May-13 13:06:47

I found out about "H"'s affair five years later. Something happened completely beyond his control and it all came out.
Please don't is my advice. Simply not worth it.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 09-May-13 13:19:44

Don't go down that road, OP. Be smarter than that, ok? You are thinking with your vajajay similar to guys thinking with their cocks. Engage your brain.
I agree with self service options.

I agree with others that recommend solving the problem of your marriage.

If you feel the marriage "has run its course" then be honest about it. End it. And then find a man who will be available for the kind of relationship you are looking for, which I seriously doubt will be with this bloke whose hobby appears to be serial whoring.

Sorry if I sound preachy, I do not mean too (frustrated with techno thing that presumes to choose my words for me).

lydiajones Thu 09-May-13 13:25:07

This is sad. You should be putting the effort into your marriage not impressing some man you hardly know. Imagine how your husband and children would think of you if they found out. It seems to all be about your ego.

gazzalw Thu 09-May-13 13:28:13

It is always easy to let your heart (and hormonal lust) get the better of your morality when faced with temptation.

I would strongly suggest you run in the opposite direction. It is naive to think there won't be massive fall-out from this even if you think you are going into it "with eyes wide open".

You cannot keep your feelings in check necessarily no matter how much you go into an affair thinking it's all about sex...

ontheprecipice Thu 09-May-13 15:40:55

I know I have to end it.
I don't want to be that person.

I don't really want to be this person either, mind you...
I feel worse than I did before, all of you who said I would, you were right.

A taste of honey and now everything else tastes more bitter than it did before.

God. I feel so hopeless about it all.

I don't even know where to start. H is barely home. Right now he's in a different continent. Next week he'll be in another country Tuesday-Friday.

Is there even any point...?

He wants a wife. I don't think it really matters who I actually AM.
I don't think he even knows who I actually am. I am a job description.

He says "I love you because you're my WIFE." I'm supposed to think it's sweet. I find it insulting. I am not WIFE. I am ME.

ontheprecipice Thu 09-May-13 15:41:52

This OM, at least made me feel like ME.
Even if he is a lying, cheating cock-lodger.

ontheprecipice Thu 09-May-13 15:42:51

All those who PM'd me. Thank you. I'll reply, promise. And I appreciate your honestly and desire to help. Just balancing work and single-parenthood ATM so tight on time...

Could you end the marriage and co-parent in the same house.
So you split up but stay together, if that makes any sense?
Not sure what he is like or if it's something he would agree to. I think you need to get out of the marriage though.

lydiajones you need to go back through and read the whole thread.

fluffyanimal Thu 09-May-13 16:40:33

He wants a wife. I don't think it really matters who I actually AM.
I don't think he even knows who I actually am. I am a job description.

He says "I love you because you're my WIFE." I'm supposed to think it's sweet. I find it insulting. I am not WIFE. I am ME.

^^ This. This is where you start. This is what you say to your husband. And back it up by saying that the lack of interest in your sexual satisfaction is just one symptom of that.

There really really is a point in doing that. The point is that you will stop being WIFE and will become YOU, either through leaving your husband, or in the best case scenario by him realising how much he does not value you and going with you on the journey to be YOU not WIFE.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Thu 09-May-13 17:31:20

I think the three options you outlined are correct.

I have never heard of someone who started having great sex after years when they never had it in the first place.

Great sex is amazing and when I have been in the fortunate position of having it I can understand why people would risk everything for it.

Lots of people have affairs. It doesn't make them terrible people.

People who have been wronged by an affair are over represented in Relationships. Surely you know this? Why are you posting here?

ontheprecipice Thu 09-May-13 17:41:06

Whitebird - where would you suggest I post it?

My intention was not to rub salt in anyone's wounds. But this is a relationships topic, not a "people recovering from a partner's affair" topic. My situation was clear from the title. if someone feels it's too close to the bone for them to read, they are under no obligation to do so.

Besides, the responses from people on the other side of the fence, have been the most compelling in my decision to stop this. Now.

I'm sorry if it was painful for them to respond, and I am especially grateful to them if it was and they posted anyway.

I'm in a desperate situation in my marriage. I didn't realise how desperate, actually, until able to talk about it here. But if that is not permitted on the relationships topic, then I guess there is nowhere to discuss it after all.

All I've done at this point is meet this guy. Once. We kissed. Once. We have spoken half a dozen times on the phone and emailed some. I hardly think that requires me to be branded with an S on my forehead.

unapologetic Thu 09-May-13 17:58:47

The earlier poster who said people who have shit sex or no sex often go on to have great sex. Eh? How on earth can that happen? I think that is nigh on impossible.

But OP, I agree with most of the posts on here telling you to finish your marriage. I don't think you will though.

SundaysGirl Thu 09-May-13 18:17:30

Just to add to what others have said re: players. I've been involved with a couple of these types, the philanderers, who lie easily and need the rush and thrill of a woman to seduce and chase. They never want what they have after they have had it. At least not for very long. No matter how amazing the sex will be (or not, he might be rubbish) you are nothing but a conquest to them.

They have a need to be admired, to be 'loved' by (ie be able to fuck the woman and have her gasp-y admiration), to 'conquer', a woman, and it doesn't matter much who. So long as someone is there to chase and to massage their ego then its all good to them. They will make you feel like a goddess because they figured out exactly how to do that.

However they have the emotional depth of a puddle at best and are inherently untrustworthy and selfish.

Even if you had this amazing sex you seek with this man, it will be gone sooner rather than later when he moves on (probably sooner) and then where are you? Back to exactly the same position you were before...well not exactly the same, you will also be saddled with the guilt and loss of personal integrity.

Having been someone lucky enough to have experienced mind blowing sex, and great passion with people I can tell you it is not worth it unless the rest of the relationship / interaction is also good. Passion alone turns sour very quickly and then you regret like hell where you let your fanny lead you.

Why can't you have a frank conversation with your husband where you lay it on the line? Where you say that the situation has got to the stage where you have been seriously considering seeking sex elsewhere? And see what his reaction is?

WhiteBirdBlueSky Thu 09-May-13 18:22:25

I only meant that you shouldn't post here without expecting to hear you shouldn't do it.

Op you were absolutely right to post here. I just hope you have reconsidered your course of action.

KitchenandJumble Thu 09-May-13 18:34:35

OP, what steps have you already taken to address the issues within your marriage? Have you told your DH how unhappy you are?

An affair is definitely not the answer. It's a short term fix, not a solution. And you would probably end up feeling even more miserable afterward. It sounds as though you don't really like the other man anyway.

If you have already done your best and see no way to work through the problems in your marriage, then ending the marriage is really the best thing you can do for yourself, IMO. And for your children too.

You say this man makes you feel alive, desirable and womanly but I bet he sees you as vulnerable, unhappy, sex starved yet willing to remain in a safe but unsatisfactory relationship and whose self esteem is so low that she would do the dirty on her partner and another woman - so easy sex for him and no messy consequences for his marriage - RESULT!

WhiteBirdBlueSky Thu 09-May-13 18:50:03

TheNorthWitch, are you honestly saying that all women's who have affairs have low self esteem? That seems a bit simplistic.

Whitebird I think it's very clear that the OP has low self esteem, and that is who we are talking about. I don't think the northwitch was generalising about all women who have affairs.

AnonYonimousBird Thu 09-May-13 18:58:27

"Once it is done, it cannot be undone."

That line is out of a novel, and a pretty rubbish one at that, and isn't very original, but reading it in black and white recently, it has stuck with me.

Sound advice, OP, you know you are being an idiot even to consider it.

I do think some women embark on affairs due to low self esteem. They are so needy of whatever the affair seems to offer them that they are willing to throw their integrity out of the window to get it.

Having respect for yourself as a woman involves respecting other women too and not doing unto them what you wouldn't like done to yourself. The OP has no idea or concern about her potential lover's wife - who could be totally unaware of his philandering ways and under the impression she has a good marriage/sex life and would be devastated to find out the truth.

Sleeping with a man who doesn't give two hoots whether you're satisfied or not would lower anyone's self esteem over time I think.

QueenofWhispers Thu 09-May-13 19:41:00

can't you just check into an hotel and use a vibrator? pretend like it's the other man?

perhaps even do it in the shower and pretend?

why involve an actual other human and ruin the lives of everyone.

HighJinx Thu 09-May-13 19:43:19

It sounds like this thread has helped you to gain a bit more insight into your marriage, even if you don't like what you see.

It seems that you have decided not to go ahead with the affair. If you feel that talking about all this online is helping perhaps you could start a new thread without mentioning the potential affair to get more support/advice on where to go now.

Just a thought. I hope you are OK.

perfectstorm Thu 09-May-13 20:01:24

QueenofWhispers the OP has an entirely valid, reasonable and normal need to feel loved and valued and to have sex with someone she desires and who seems to desire her. I agree that she should explore her own sexuality, but not that she should have to "pretend" she's having a relationship with anyone. Her husband is not treating her like a person at all, and while an affair would be a terrible thing to do to him or anyone, that suggestion will make her feel even worse, I imagine. It certainly would me. She deserves a lot better from her husband than he's getting, even if nobody deserves to be cheated on.

OP you have to talk to him, brutally honestly. I think you know that. And you did absolutely the right thing to post here, because if you can't salvage the marriage and you need to walk away, you can do it with honour, and then move on to meet someone else. And you never know - memories can be tricksy and it's hard to remember the good times when so overlaid by bad. Your DH and you may, just possibly, be able to build from this if you are honest and he is willing to be, too.

I have to ask: has it ever seemed possible that he has himself had an affair? He does appear to have checked out emotionally, from what you say. And it would not be the first time someone's marriage is so withered on the vine that they in turn look elsewhere. It may be wholly off beam, but it's not impossible, either.

Charbon Thu 09-May-13 20:32:52

I often wonder that about 'affair threads' on here perfect storm, partly because I've known people in RL to be obsessively worried about being on the precipice of an affair and it's turned out that their partners had already been unfaithful, but also because so many of the 'affair cues' are present. A man who has emotionally checked out of his relationship, sees his wife as a status object and not as a human being, is unconcerned about his sexual performance, giving less and less to the relationship and with plentiful opportunities due to working away from home.

In those circumstances though, the very worst thing to do is to have a tit-for-tat affair because then children see two emotionally absent parents. It always shocks people looking back just how much energy is spent on maintaining an affair - including preoccupation and emotional absenteeism, checking phones, reading and receiving texts or messages, covering one's tracks and remembering to get stories straight, as well as any time spent with the lover. Many people look back and realise that they got no meaningful work done in this period, other relationships with extended family/friends suffered and they also notice a new detachment from their children's lives. It's as though Real Life is suspended.

confusionoftheillusion Thu 09-May-13 20:40:10

So true charbon. I've only VERY recently ended my affair and missing OM like mad but am already being a better mother, employee and feeling more calm inside. An affair sends you round the bend

perfectstorm Thu 09-May-13 20:46:55

Completely agree, Charbon. I wasn't advocating tit for tat - hope it didn't come across that way? I was just wondering if the OP had considered the possibility, given the way her husband seems so... well. Impersonal, really. I think working out what lies beneath their problems is important in order to address them, whether she leaves or remains.

Good luck, OP. Sorry things are so tough, and glad you posted for support before things went any further. Whatever the future holds, it will be better than that option, whether you stay or go.

Charbon Thu 09-May-13 20:54:34

No, I knew you weren't advocating tit-for-tat perfectstorm. Not at all. But if the OP does find out her husband's been unfaithful, it would be a very human (but childlike) response to go ahead and have this affair. So many affairs are punitive in motive.

From what the OP's said, the kindest thing to do would be to end this marriage because it's probably meeting neither party's needs.

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