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Problem with sex

(74 Posts)
Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 05:39:22

Been in relationship for a couple of years. Sex life has always been very good and I have a very strong attraction to BF. We don't live together. All sounds great but he has an extremely high sex drive, mine isn't exactly low but it's not as high as his.

The problem is I've begun to think he manipulates me where sex Is concerned. When he stays at mine we have sex on average once a day sometimes twice and if I'm not always up for it he gets moody.If I call him on this he says sorry but that he's a typical man and they all sulk about it. I know that's not the case however. He is like a different person after he's had sex, happy, cheerful, relaxed.

I got home from work the other day and he wanted to go upstairs straight away, needless to say I didn't. He became noticeably distant, although he never says sex is at the root cause of it I feel it is. Often it will end in a big argument about something seemingly unrelated. Does anyone else have similar issues and how have you dealt with it?

LittleMissLucy Wed 08-May-13 05:52:25

erm I am no expert but he sounds a bit odd, to me.

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 06:06:48

I think he is sex mad tbh. I feel like I might as well ' do it' at times because then in know the atmosphere will be relaxed. He is a very considerate lover and I do enjoy it. It's just I'm not up for it as often as he is. If I talk to him about it he says , a bit huffily that the best thing he can do is back off completely and I will have to do the running. It seems he's suggesting going from one extreme to another. I feel like screaming ' just relax and be normal'

It's as though it totally dominates his life

Moanranger Wed 08-May-13 06:15:42

Like my STBXH, I'm afraid. At least yours is apparently good in bed. Mine used to sulk & demand sex & had no understanding/ empathy with my position.
TBH, what will eventually happen is that you will lose your enthusiasm for sex as it is always on his terms. Having sex will become a battleground. Just writing that sentence sums it up.
You need to have a serious talk with him. This is not a good trait in someone you may be considering as a long term partner & could lead to bullying in other areas.

Numberlock Wed 08-May-13 06:20:09

A more considerate partner would just have a wank from time to time. It's like you owe him sex as and when he wants it which is bullying/abusive.

He'd have to cope if he was single fgs.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 06:34:28

He's using emotional bullying techniques - sulking, distance, arguments, making you out to be abnormal, manipulation - and that is completely unacceptable and disrespectful.

Never have sex against your wishes.... This man only cares about his own needs.

ihatethecold Wed 08-May-13 06:37:08

He is not a typical man...

Most men don't get moody f they don't get what they want.

Why would you put up with that behaviour.

I know I wouldn't.

saintmerryweather Wed 08-May-13 06:38:48

My ex was like this down to the sulking. if we got into bed amd i said no to sex he would turn his back and refuse to touch me at all. he was absolutely crap in bed, very selfish. Hes punishing you with his sulk so that you will change your mind and he will.get what he wants regardless of whether you want it or not

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 06:46:39

Yes he has been known to turn his back and not touch me if I don't want sex. He says its better to do that than get turned on. He's definitely not selfish in bed though and always wants me to enjoy it and if I'm not he will stop and be fine about it. In a way though I think that him wanting me to love it is also part of the manipulation.

If I'm enjoying it he thinks he will get more and it's an ego boost. He also asks me fairly if I think I will ever get bored of him????

He sounds like a dickhead. Do you want that for the rest of your life? Not all men are like that at all, by the way.

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 07:11:11

I think I've actually forgotten how a 'normal' man reacts and deals with the situation. Everything is very intense between us. I can see he manipulates me in many ways and I react against it most of the time and point it out to him.

Needless to say he doesn't like that. Occasionally he will accept it but more often he throws something back at me

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 07:12:28

He making himself sound very insecure and, sadly, that often goes hand in hand with this kind of controlling behaviour. But as you've seen through his tricks I think you have to make a decision about whether you're prepared to keep putting up with the sulking etc or whether you'd rather call time. You don't even live together at the moment. Imagine if you did and he was pawing you every five minutes.... brr...

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 07:15:38

"Everything is very intense between us."

To me this is a red flag. People that are 'intense', rushing you into things, making you do things against your better judgement, using guilt-tripping, sulking and other highly emotional techniques to get what they want... IME they are only happy when they are in the driving seat. They are really not nice people otherwise. You say he doesn't like it when you point out the manipulation. That sort of fits. Sorry, but I think you're heading for a fall if you stay with this one.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 07:17:14

BTW... how long after you met was he declaring undying love? Does he monopolise your time? Is he happy about you socialising with your friends without him.... display any jealous tendencies?

AnyFucker Wed 08-May-13 07:31:33


Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 07:37:20

Hmmm " only happy when in the driving seat" sort of fits him I would say. We have a fair few battles because I don't lie down easily and will fight my corner. The fact remains he is manipulative though and uses various techniques. It used to involve losing his temper, shouting ect he knows I won't tolerate that now. Mostly now it involves withdrawing, sulking until I get out of him what the problem is and it might turn into an argument

Can't remember how soon he said he loved me. Only got serious after about a year I think. Seems ok if I see friends but most of spare time is together.

Forgot to mention I think he does a bit of nice/ nasty because following a sulk, withdrawal, argument, he is super nice. I might be doing him a disservice here though because he could just be making amends

DaemonPantalaemon Wed 08-May-13 07:41:55

If he is as awful as you make him sound, why are you still with him?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 07:47:22

Oh he sounds too much like hard work. Hot/cold, sulking, withdrawing and generating arguments are not mature, respectful or loving ways to resolve disagreements... they are straight out of Chapter 1, Page 1 of 'Emotional Abuse for Dummies'. Even though I don't think you are currently allowing yourself to be manipulated and even though you are seeing through the game-playing, what's happening here is that he is keeping you on a hook, making himself overly-important in your life and here you are... posting on websites wondering whether you're overreacting about not wanting to have sex with him all the time, or if there's something wrong.

People like this man are emotionally draining and, even if you think you're unaffected, they will chip away at your self-esteem. You already feel that you "might as well 'do it'".... and that's a very slippery slope because it's taking away your free will. Here's a thought. Whatever you have planned for the next couple of weekends, take a rain-check. Hook up with your old mates, do something solo & leave him to his own devices for a while.

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 08:23:59

Would you say it was ' normal' to want sex that often? Although I appreciate there is no ' normal' when it comes to sex and its more his reaction and the way he deals with it that makes it a problem?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 08:54:09

You're right, there is no normal when it comes to frequency. smile You're also right that the way he is reacting is turning what should be something pleasant and comforting into something stressful and unpleasant.

Mind my asking how old you both are?

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 09:04:27

Far too old for this immature behaviour tbh. I think it's because I was married for many years but had no real sexual attraction for him so hence no sex life to speak of for years. So when I found someone with whom I was sexually compatible I put to one side his behaviour regarding it.

As time went on its harder to put it aside and I know he's immature in lots of ways but I think I also found him exciting. Still love him by the way and we do have fun times and he does lots for me

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 09:13:19

His ex wife cheated on him which may explain some issues. Maybe he has hang ups about perceived rejection

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 09:13:56

OK... but please avoid 'might as well do it' just to keep this guy on side. Keep standing up for yourself. Don't tolerate sulking or strops. Maintain your own standards, friends and self-respect rather than being suffocated by his behaviour. No-one is that exciting.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 09:16:05

"Maybe he has hang ups about perceived rejection"

That is immaterial. Your primary concern are your feelings and your requirements. You are not responsible for his happiness any more than you are responsible for his neuroses. If you believe you are responsible, if you start making excuses for his behaviour you open yourself to more sexual coercion and that is a very miserable row to hoe.

My XH would have sex at any and all available opportunities if he had his way. He would happily do it twice a day if given the chance. But he didn't sulk and whine if I wasn't up for it.

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 10:55:56

The worst thing is he doesn't openly whine that he's not getting enough sex in fact if we talk about it he admits he's probably lucky and has it more than a lot of men. He just tends to go quiet or withdraw or just generally seem in a bad mood. I'm left trying to figure out what's up with him and eventually it'll dawn on me it's because of sex. Or sex will happen naturally and his mood disappears and he's like a different person

Branleuse Wed 08-May-13 10:56:03

he sounds like a nightmare. Dont stay with him just because hes good in bed when you do enjoy it. Definitely not worth him being a dickhead whenever he doesnt get his own way

cjel Wed 08-May-13 11:03:39

surely sex is a pleasure that you should both look forward to? I want a mansion and a million pounds but will sulking and withdrawing help me get it? I think you know yourself that it doesn't feel right and would be right in ending this because I think you will start to resent him and avoid him and then he'll step up the ea and life will be a mess. If you have no ties take a breakxx

Lucylloyd13 Wed 08-May-13 11:29:52

This is simply about relative attitudes to sex, and some of the observations to date have been as self-centred as their criticisims of selfishness.

Some men want a lot of sex. That is the way they are. If as a woman you are not similarly disposed, it is a fault line in the relationship. The man is not to blame.

You have three choices. Allow this imbalance to be a problem. Leave him for a less randy man.Meet his sexual needs.

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 11:53:44

I don't feel there's a huge imbalance in sex drives. I mostly want it when he does but there are occasions that I don't such as immediately I walk through the door after working all day. It is his reactions to these rare occasions that prompted me to write the post.

Sometimes I even wonder if it always is to do with sex, or if something else has put him in a mood. I do find myself wondering what I've done sometimes

Lucylloyd what a load of bullshit. So what if he wants a lot of sex? Does that mean he is entitled to have it? What would he do if he were single? It's not a crime to have a high sex drive or want a lot of sex. It is not acceptable to pressure, directly or indirectly (through sulking) your partner into having sex.
OP, do you think that sex will become a chore and you will not be able to show him spontaneous affection for fear that he gets the wrong idea and put pressure on you? That is how I think I would end up feeling.

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 12:08:44

I'm not sure, I still feel able to show spontaneous affection and we are a couple of years into the relationship.

This is why I'm confused, because we have sex every day when together yet he still behaves that way. Sometimes I can relate it to sex other times he can accept no and be perfectly ok. This is why I'm wondering if the moods are more a symptom of general control over me

Leaving the sex aside for a minute - you have described various ways in which he manipulates and controls you. Is that what you want?

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 12:34:19

Hate to say it but I think I've got used to it. I don't just allow it though which is why I think we have a fair few arguments. I spell out clearly what is and isn't acceptable to me and he does make adjustments but obviously he can't have a personality change

Will he ever change? I don't know. I know his flaws but I do love him

Dahlen Wed 08-May-13 12:59:11

I can't help feeling that if you're not living together yet and are already having a fair few arguments (with the result that nothing has changed, seeing as you're still either expected to have sex or he sulks), this relationship is not a keeper.

cjel Wed 08-May-13 14:44:24

I started by laying down the law and not putting up with 35 years on he'd got horrendous, violent and abusive in every way including rape'because hes a man and has needs'!!! I got worn down and had depression and breakdowns, I was emotionally and physically exhausted , either not putting up with and arguing or putting up with and losing myself. Follow your gut you shouldn't have to spend your life rowing just not to have to do what he wants,

SlumberingDormouse Wed 08-May-13 15:00:38

I'm in the same situation. I have quite a high sex drive (once a day) but DP's is even higher (twice a day or more). However, he is nice about it and never makes me feel bad if I turn him down. He wanks too if he gets desperate, which I have no problem with and secretly enjoy watching! grin Sometimes I feel guilty for saying no, and I talk to him about it and he reassures me. I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your DP about this. You are perfectly entitled to turn sex down without him making you feel bad about it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 15:02:20

"Will he ever change? I don't know. I know his flaws but I do love him"

People rarely change in the fundamentals. Some flaws are worse than others. I also once loved a man that saw sex as a combination of stress-relief and self-affirmation, also sulked like buggery if I wasn't in the mood, and I ended up feeling like a blow-up doll, uncomfortable in my own bed at night, waiting for the inevitable ...

If you're OK living like that it's your call but I really don't recommend it.

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 18:49:51

I think he sees sex as a form of self affirmation. Sometimes when I call him on things or if he thinks I am attacking him he will say " well finish with me then" I know full well he doesn't want that so is he just saying it to manipulate me into shutting up?

susiedaisy Wed 08-May-13 19:00:32

Hi op I have read thread and agree with other posters,
I was married to a man who would sulk and be off with me if he didn't get sex and on occasions as the relationship went on he didn't take no for an answer, it was vile!!

Can you really honestly see yourself tolerating this sort of behaviour for the rest of your life, in my experience when you move in with, marry and have kids with men like this it will be nearly impossible to stand your ground!

SlumberingDormouse Wed 08-May-13 19:02:26

Maybe you should call his bluff and finish with him the next time he says that. Only then might he see how hurtful it is when he says such things.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 08-May-13 19:08:41

He sounds immature. He has not learned to vocalise his feelings, only act them out (ie get worried, sulk). He needs to recognise that it is his responsibility to manage his neuroses (and we all hhave them), not yours

AnyFucker Wed 08-May-13 19:08:59

Just finish with him. And mean it.

How old is this person ? 13 ?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 08-May-13 19:11:56

If he can't recognise this and changed you are doomed. It's fundamental to a relationship that people take responsibility for their own emotions.

If you have children that would throw a grenade into the relationship.

AnyFucker Wed 08-May-13 19:13:49

Christ, imagine this manchild getting his delicate little cock nose put of joint by a new baby ?

AnyFucker Wed 08-May-13 19:14:05

put out of joint

Selba Wed 08-May-13 20:12:53

several of my friends husbands do this.
All very lovely blokes otherwise. Downright odd if you ask me. I don't think I could put up with it

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 20:16:44

That's interesting to know, so he's not alone in doing it then.

Do your friends complain about their husbands doing it?

AnyFucker Wed 08-May-13 20:18:04

Just because some other inadequate men do it too isn't a reason to tolerate it

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 20:21:14

No absolutely it isn't. I just wondered how selbas friends cope/ react

MistressoftheYoniverse Wed 08-May-13 20:22:55

He sounds like an real with this what you want for your future? and do you think he can or will change his behaviour?

AnyFucker Wed 08-May-13 20:23:48

You shouldn't have to "cope" with it at all.

Selba Thu 09-May-13 00:03:12

My sister's husband does it He is not in the least inadequate and they have a fantastic relationship . She doesn't like him doing it and has told him so many times .

Numberlock Thu 09-May-13 06:13:39

That's not my idea of a fantastic relationship Selba...

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-May-13 06:31:57

I just remembered another incident with the one that sulked if he didn't get sex... (funny how these things come back to you). I'd asked him to back off and stop pawing me all the time because it was annoying. About a week later he 'snapped', disappeared off to another room, came back with some porno mags, threw them down and said "see what you're making me do!!!" Actually tried to blame me for him 'having' to use porn. Arse

saintmerryweather Thu 09-May-13 07:33:12

My ex used to be all sulky so id say to him that there was no need for that and we could have a cuddle. hed brighten up immediately then try and turn it into sex and ignoring the fact id said no earlier. sometimes id stop him and he would sulk again and sometimes id let him carry on just to avoid the sulking. i will never ever be in a relationship like that again, a relationship like that can never be fantastic

sussexmum38 Thu 09-May-13 08:50:43

Sounds pretty unreasonable and selfish. If you are not wanting sex he could take care of himself.

Allinuse Thu 09-May-13 10:32:47

He doesn't fully admit that my not wanting sex is the cause of his silences. If I ask what is wrong he says nothing. I usually push the point and sometimes we argue about something seemingly unrelated to sex. Funny how his mood is all bright and breezy after sex though. Again he says that is normal, maybe it is ?

He does take care of himself also or likes me with him when he's doing it. I don't actually mind this however

Selba Thu 09-May-13 23:40:47

Well of course some people are able to consider their relationship fantastic despite it not being perfect.

Selba Thu 09-May-13 23:41:35

My husband is like this if he does not get to go out cycling !

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 10-May-13 00:04:05

No, it isn't like "most men". Men have no higher "need" for sex than women.

He sounds horrible tbh, his mood is dependent on whether he gets a shag or not. How shallow can you get?

OP, you can do better.

LittleMissLucy Fri 10-May-13 00:59:21

You know, he actually sounds like a sex offender. Its too obsessive and all encompassing to be remotely normal, imho

saintmerryweather Fri 10-May-13 07:13:37

so you also have a husband who sulks like a petulant brat if he cant get his own way?

Allinuse Fri 10-May-13 07:49:54

Sex offender is a bit strong. He can be a pain in the arse and annoying but sex offender NO

AnyFucker Fri 10-May-13 08:22:19

Well, he is certainly offensive

Lazyjaney Fri 10-May-13 09:02:28

I dont buy the Sex Offender, abusive stuff etc. Seems to me that the issue is mismatch of sex drives, and he is far from the only man who gets frustrated and sulky if he doesn't get it.

As time goes by this will become a bigger and bigger issue OP, so either you will both have to find a mutually agreed way to deal with it, or the relationship will become harder and harder going.

Allinuse Mon 27-May-13 20:11:29

Well just had 2 weeks off together had a lovely time, we had sex most days which I was happy with. Today I go back to work and when I get home find he's been looking at porn on my iPad. I don't have a massive problem with him looking at porn especially when he's not staying at mine but am struggling to understand why the hell he needs to look after having sex EVERY day for 2 weeks!

I now feel like I'm not enough for him and don't satisfy him which he strenuously denies and says he will stop if I want him to. I think that's unrealistic since I couldn't monitor him and wouldn't want to anyway.

Am just feeling a bit angry he needs that in addition to our sex life

TheBakeryQueen Mon 27-May-13 21:43:46

It sounds like you do have a problem with him looking at porn, and you know what? That is OK! you don't have to be 'cool' about it.

I've just read the whole thread & he sounds dodgy, hard work, emotionally abusive & like his needs are more important than yours.

I also get the impression that this is not what you want to hear.

I think his manipulation has had more of an effect on you than you realise.

CaptainKirksNipples Mon 27-May-13 21:56:54

You dont have a problem with sex. you have a problem having sex with an arsehole and that is normal!

DP used to do this without realising it. We were young when we got together and he felt like he was being rejected if I said no, and went in a huff. he stopped when i started sarcastically telling him how that stupid tantrum was so arousing I would definitely be up for it later. Or he could fuck off back to his mothers and wank into a sock in a single bed for the rest of his life.

We have had to work through some other issues but he now does less time at work, does the majority of the housework and cooking and would never ever have a tantrum again!

Allinuse Mon 27-May-13 22:07:03

I knew that he looked at porn but naively thought it was when he was away from me and I was perfectly ok with it. My issue now is how much bloody sex does he need? As I said we did it every day except today as I was at work and I find he's been on a porn site

It seems like he never gets enough

TheBakeryQueen Mon 27-May-13 22:40:39

Why did he look at porn on YOUR iPad? Did he want you to find it do you think?

TheBakeryQueen Mon 27-May-13 22:53:29

Is he on steroids? (sorry for seemingly random question)

GingerJulep Mon 27-May-13 23:24:45

I can be like this.

And so can OH.

It is COMPLETELY normal to feel and act great and relaxed after good sex. It is completely normal to feel a bit down if rejected.

Gender isn't really important.

And it isn't necessarily (or in my personal experience even mainly) about control/manipulation/whatever.

Some people have issues with those kinds of things, some don't.

Mismatched sex-drives may/may not also be an issue.

The two aren't necessarily connected.

Porn I'm not that comfortable with, I prefer to be the sole satisfier of my OH's desires and vice-versa. But there are plenty on this thread who have suggested they would prefer an OH who 'took care of himself' and, presumably, a number of them would be fine with the porn thing in those circumstances.

OP, it doesn't sound too bad from what is on this thread.

Allinuse Tue 28-May-13 06:01:31

He is definitely NOT taking steroids or any medication at all.

He went on my iPad presumably because its better than his phone and didn't hide it because he didn't think I'd have a problem with it. As I said I knew he used porn sometimes and was ok with it because he doesn't use it in place of a real sex life and is great with me during sex.

I'm not really sure why I'm that upset now. I think it's because he's been staying at mine 2 weeks having sex every day and still felt the need to use it. I guess I worry deep down that he may stray if he's not getting enough and he has such a very high sex drive that tbh he NEVER gets too much. He is still raring to go when others would be completely satisfied

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