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Dating thread no 53

(1000 Posts)
Flipper924 Mon 06-May-13 21:48:03

The Rules

1 Develop a thick skin;
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
3. It's all BS until it actually happens;
4. Trust your gut instinct;
5. If it is not fun, stop

Off we go...

Flipper924 Mon 06-May-13 21:48:46

First ever thread I've started.

TigsytheTiger Mon 06-May-13 21:49:17

well done Flipper, place marking

Winefiend Mon 06-May-13 21:50:54

New thread! Here's hoping this one is filled with lovely dates, no knobheads (bar my good self obvs), lots of Coffee and less grief from exes for folk angry


TigsytheTiger Mon 06-May-13 21:55:00

ha! just seen an email from my STBXH which he has cc'd me on, it's to the Mediator, sending her back her copy of the meeting notes (which she read out to us at the end of the session to make sure it was an accurate record) with his "corrections" - bet she is going to love that!

Him, controlling? no! never! - you can't make this stuff up!

KinNora Mon 06-May-13 22:04:05

Flipper flirting is a very pleasant thing in and of itself, I've always found. I think it puts a slight spring in your step, and you're definitely entitled to some fun after the last few months.

Tigsy - not quite ice bath territory, no, but it's all enjoying getting back to the normal levels of peace and quiet. grin

KirstyWirsty Mon 06-May-13 22:07:39

I'm marking my spot .. Got a date with therockclimber tomorrow who looks lovely and fit and promises exclusivity even though he doesn't want anything serious .. And neither do I .. Fingers crossed!!

MirandaWest Mon 06-May-13 22:09:04

Hello smile Was hot today smile DC and I went to a farm. Easier with one adult I think tbh smile

Moanranger Mon 06-May-13 22:11:21

Hi, daters, can I join in - an interesting situation developing - only split from STBXH 10 weeks ago. I have had no libido for some time, which I put down to as age.(But note STBXH was shit in bed, entitled, demanding, happy with PIV) Well lo & behold, I now have a raging libido!!
I am not OD, but am going to every Meet Up I can find & now someone is showing signs of being very interested - me totally not looking for this.
My worry is that raging libido will get in way of judgement to my cost,IYSWIM?
Anyone else had this happen?

lubeybooby Mon 06-May-13 22:11:34

well done flipper!

Hello new thread <waves>

My Monday check in and weigh in today...

4 weeks smoke free 1 entire stone off. RARRR! grin wink

Winefiend Mon 06-May-13 22:12:13

Oh Kirsty, everything crossed for you, esp after how disappointing kilty turned out to be.

Winefiend Mon 06-May-13 22:18:33

ranger hello! I'm pretty sure most of us have done at some point. If you've lurked I'm sure you'll have read some similar tales. Pretty sure it was my libido that led to me tolerating far more shit than I normally would in recent times but hey ho, you learn from it! All you can do is suss it out as you go. If you've met a few times then you must have an idea of the kind of person he is? Depends what you're looking for the mo I am practising the art of going on dates and not shagging (by ensuring legs are not shaved and I have my worst pants on as I do not trust my libido with booze in me)

lubey you are a motherfucking MACHINE! Impressive stuff grin

OhWesternWind Mon 06-May-13 22:22:12

Ha fuck the exes! Twats one and all.

Good luck for tomorrow Dolly. What's on the menu?

LM has now disappeared off Match (I know, I know, I shouldn't know this information) so has probably got himself a nice new girlfriend. Why do I care? Had a dream he came back and I took him back even though I knew, even in the dream, that it was a crazy thing to do. Still the best sex I have ever had, sorry Indie. But it did take a while to get that good, it all takes time to get used to people and what works well.

Only good things about today are that my mum is now back on Team OWW bristling up against the outsiders threatening her family - see how long that lasts for - and Indie is yet again being lovely. Been doing the crossword by text, bit of flirting and talking about last night, all good stuff. Going to see him on Wednesday for a drink if I can find a babysitter. He asked me if I'd gone off him after last night, of course I haven't, but I am worried I might be coming across as a little bit "off" with him just because I am so distracted with this other shite. Don't want to tell him about it as it's all about Titto and I will seem like a chaotic Jeremy Kyle type person which I really, really am not. What should I do?

Think I am not doing very well today, will try again tomorrow.

TwoSugarsWithLotsOfMilk Mon 06-May-13 22:28:47

Is this like a place where you can recount really shit dates??

I went on a date with a black bloke before. He dressed totally normally in the office, but picked me up in the stupidest car I've ever seen, in the stupidest, most stereotypical clothes possible - complete with huge hanging dollar-sign chain.

He sounded normal everywhere else, but on this date he sounded like the teen-slang thread that's going round! Wahhhg'wan for "what might be going on?" and "gash" and "ripe" and "demon".

It took every OUNCE of my strength not to laugh in his face. I saw him the week after and he at least had the decency to look embarrassed.

Moanranger Mon 06-May-13 22:31:42

OWW I KWYM re coming across like J Kyle guest. Reason I have trepidation about dating is STBXH & I are in early stages of untangling mainly finances, & I don' want to meet some guy & spend entire time moaning about shit X.
I very fortunately have many good RL friends I can unload on, so If I do start dating, I hope to create a Chinese Wall with all shit XH talk far on other side. Oh, and also the random weeping!
Damn, but it is good to know that I have an actual sex drive - just what to do about ( besides the obvious - am thinking of purchasing a rabbit. No, not the hutch kind, the battery kind!)

Bant Mon 06-May-13 22:35:49

OWW - just be honest with Indie, tell him you had some weird news from the DCs dad, who you hadn't heard from in ages - nothing to do with him (not that it's not his business, just that it's not him that's distracting you, IYSWIM) and it's just bad timing that's all. I'd prefer to know it was some twat of an ex playing up, but it wasn't a common occurrence, than that I may have done something wrong.

Very impressed Lubey - I've got to kick the fags at some point. Maybe next week.. or the week after...

Hello Ranger - sorry can't give any advice on that

Back to Hungaria tomorrow, have a date with as-yet-unnamed tomorrow night. One photo looks good, the others not so much, we'll see. Not sure if she gets my sense of humour.

Another girl, British Expat, very quirky and amusing - only one photo and she may possibly have horses teeth. Doesn't smoke. Doesn't drink ANY alcohol. We're tentatively on for coffee.

Not sure what I think about dating someone who is sober all the time. I'm used to getting a bit pissed in the early stages to lower barriers. Don't know how amusing and charming I can be when they're stone cold sober the whole time... smile

OhWesternWind Mon 06-May-13 22:38:50

Oh dear *TwoSugars" that sounds so embarrassing. Maybe he thought you'd be impressed by his coolness ..,

Moan just go with it, see what happens with the Meetup guy. I was amazed when my libido came back. It's brilliant!

Think I'm actually jealous that Titto has managed to find someone else and get married and here I am farting about with OD. He is a twat of the highest order and I'm not, so how does that all work?

ALittleStranger Mon 06-May-13 22:41:00

This might reflect badly on me but I would need a very good reason to date someone who didn't drink. I think it would be the relationship that was the problem as much as the early dates.

Lubey that's fantastic weight loss!

Ranger if you're actually still randomly weeping it might be a bit soon to be getting out there. But if you are in control then really you just have to accept that it's not dignified or acceptable to rant about exes on dates and build up those chinese walls as you say.

Twosugars that is v weird, especially if he looked shame faced. Do you think it was some kind of bet??

Hello thread <waves in glamorous manner>

So I've just been on date 2 <meh> and date 3, ah lovely date 3 <twinkle>.

<floaty and smiley> <too early to worry about no further contact> <twirl>

Oh and, I bow down to you oh thread, this was the guy who I was unsure about due to no sparky chat, but you advised me to give him a go. Lovely. grin

OWW I would tell him that you are currently having to deal with a situation regarding the kids and it's thrown you off kilter slightly. I'm sorry you're not doing so well today. Tomorrow will be better.
lubey no fags and dieting too?! I take my hat off to you, well done!!
On the menu tomorrow is Chicken saltimbocca with green beans and rosemary roasted potatoes, raspberry cheesecake to follow.... My friend is coming over to help me prepare it all in advance tomorrow morning then my mum is having the kids to hers for tea and bath and delivering them back to me in their pjs so I can tidy myself up. grin

OhWesternWind Mon 06-May-13 22:48:48

Hey stop twirling for a moment and TELL ALL!

Ps OWW men like Titto jump from relationship to relationship as they are shit at all of them. I doubt she's the love of his life. You just have more restraint and are clearly less desperate than him smile

OhWesternWind Mon 06-May-13 22:53:11

Dolly No, I am blooming desperate, I admit it ... Not really.

Hope all goes brilliantly tomorrow. The food sounds lovely and you'll bowl him over by just being generally fab.

mercury7 Mon 06-May-13 22:53:38

(checking in from the sofa)

Winefiend Mon 06-May-13 22:54:54

I absolutely could not date someone who doesn't drink Bant. But then again, my nickname is 'Begbie' (as in Francis). Whiskyyyyyy yes. (I haven't ever glassed anyone yet btw, have been tempted though).

That sounds great Hey! I am persevering with Mr Band. He has been messaging very consistently but is quite quiet but we have lots in common he just needs to ask me on a fucking date asap

Moanranger Mon 06-May-13 22:56:17

ALS I agree about too soon. I started to go on Meet ups just to get in circulation, meet both men & women, & observe men who were not like STBXH. They are brilliant BTW, a fun crowd & I would never do OD.
This interest has taken me by surprise. I am going very slowly. We have exchanged tel nos this weekend, but I am busy with DS through this week so nothing will happen for awhile & hopefully by the time it does random weeping will be a thing of the past!

But what if he wants to do 'the sex', I really wouldn't want to with kids asleep upstairs or am I being a prude? Maybe I'll give him food poisoning and then won't have to worry about it.

I vote for a thread dinner party at Dolly's, sounds delicious.

Well, he was just really nice. Normal, no dramas, lovely twinkle in his eye, didn't slag of his ex once (unlike the previous 2 dates), seems like that rare thing 'a decent bloke' (I am bearing in mind I don't know him at all, but you know what I mean). Funny, sweet, has been very gracious in all dealings with me online so far. Even if he doesn't want to take it further, it is just lovely to be reminded what a nice date can actually be, whereas the other 2 were either 'fine' or 'meh' but not properly enjoyable. Or twinkly. Am just feeling very happy right now smile.

OhWesternWind Mon 06-May-13 23:01:54

If you don't feel comfortable with it, Dolly, then don't do it. Are you worried he'll be expecting it? You could drop a few hints about the children being light sleepers or something so he knows it won't be on the cards.

VelvetSpoon Mon 06-May-13 23:02:03

Lubey brilliantly well done re not smoking and diet! go you!

I have some success to report myself, in that I am now a full 5.5lb lighter than this time last week grin If I can keep this up (unlikely) I will be a stone lighter by the time C gets back. Not that he will notice, he thinks I'm lovely as I am blush

Western I think you should mention the stuff with your Ex to Indie, but the key IMO is keeping it brief/light - saying that you may seem a bit distracted, which is nothing to do with him, just some unexpected stuff re the Ex which have inconveniently come up. And sort of leave it at that really, no need to explain further. If he's a decent normal person (which he seems to be) he'll appreciate that there are always little issues which arise with Exs, and not draw any adverse inference from it.

Re alcohol, one of my Exs didn't drink at all. It was never really an issue, he wasn't judgy over people who do drink (that can often be a problem with the teetotal, that they are horribly sanctimonious about not drinking etc), and was quite happy for me to drink. In fact the night I met him I was completely pissed, didnt put him off at all.

Hey glad date 3 went well!

OhWesternWind Mon 06-May-13 23:04:20

Hey that sounds like the very best sort of first date. Fingers crossed there'll be another one. He sounds great.

Hey I love that sparkly feeling! Enjoy it! I think it's anticipation of something potentially lovely coming your way that gives us the sparkles... You can't fake em!
Thanks for advice re light sleepers that's a great one. I don't think he'll expect it, but as I don't properly know him yet, I can't be sure.

Dolly, absolutely not a prude, it's entirely your decision what you feel comfortable. You may want to do 'the sex' (eek) after one date, or after twenty five. If he is not happy with that, it is equally his decision to move on. But then you've just weeded another one out smile. I agree with OWW, if you are anxious, then there is nothing wrong with setting expectations with him.

OhWesternWind Mon 06-May-13 23:08:04

And thank you Dolly and Bant and Velvet for the sound advice. Will drop that lightly into conversation soon, just to explain a bit.

Flipper924 Mon 06-May-13 23:09:16

Lots of dates coming up, and good stuff going on!

Lubes and Velvet, congratulations on the weight loss! This thread is simply choc-a-block with determined, strong women. And some equally marvellous men.

Thanks Velvet and yay re weight loss (btw you ARE lovely just as you are), but still yay!

Thanks Dolly and OWW, I think great and potentially lovely sums it up, and it's just nice to know that I am still capable of feeling like this. <refresh>

Sorry, think I missed a few of your posts OWW, but I second what the others say about telling Indie.

Scrazy Mon 06-May-13 23:18:46

Place marking on the new thread as I still read.

Waving to everyone, Lubey and Velvet well done. OWW horrible for you and I would say focus on yourself and your family for the moment. I'm pleased your mum has woken up and she will be on your side again.

I've had a great weekend and my previous ex who is now my current is making me very happy atm. I think the tables have turned, finally grin.

Snapespeare Mon 06-May-13 23:51:02

oww just to add to previous thread well wishes, it is so unbelievably unfair when XPs have new families and you are then financially held over a barrel. I could never afford to have any extra children after kids dad left, he went on to have two subsequent relationships with a child in each relationship. Each time that reduced my family income. Then he got sacked gave up work to be a SAHD, so fuck-all forever. You do adjust, you end up a bit frazzled and living hand-to-mouth, but you get by. This is the last thing you need after other stresses, so just posting with love and sympathy for you.

lubey & velvet I am sitting eating cheese and onion mccoys at my kitchen table and necking a large G&T. I am hugely fat and blissfully happy. I'll be back on track tomorrow. Well done both of you. smile

bant nameless doesn't drink. I am a giant lush and don't drink around nameless, because I don't want him to cotton on that I'm a giant lush. Plus-side, I remember everything that we do. blush the inhibitions seemed to leave quite quickly, I wouldn't see it as a problem.

Namelesswise, lovely afternoon and evening (the sex is getting ridiculous stealthboast) still nothing said about long term plans/feelings alcohol may have it's place after all... he is just stunningly lovely. When I'm with him, I 'get' what he thinks/feels about me, it's only when he's a bit head-fuzzy and we're apart that I start to worry and consider him on the basis of dick-weeds who have fucked me over. I know that's unfair and stupid-head-tapey, but short of daily face to face contact hmm I'll need to put up with me being daft,

VelvetSpoon Tue 07-May-13 00:07:36

Snape what I wouldn't do for a packet of McCoys now! tells self to think of weight loss and wearing lovely dresses which don't fit

I relate very much to the feelings of uncertainty and worry. I know it's not quite the same for C and I because we're not in any kind of a relationship yet but when I'm with him I have no doubt about how he feels about me, how much he likes me, how massively he is attracted to me - if anything I feel it is more on his side than mine BUT when I'm not with him, I don't ever feel quite so certain, and whilst I can trot along fairly merrily most of the time, I do have troughs where I feel it is all completely on my side. And then I see him again, and it all resets. And that will carry on I think until either he decides he is ready and we can call it a relationship, and I am his gf. Or I give up on him.

The troughs are at least partly borne out of previous experiences - I still do have worries he will just stop contacting me and disappear like so many of my previous OD experiences. But he hasn't, and I don't think he will.

I know this probably isn't much help but I suppose what I'm saying is once you've been burned in the past, it's hard to believe anyone is what they seem, and you wait for it all to blow up. But I do think Nameless is a nice guy, and it will all be ok, I'm sure of it smile

BillMasen Tue 07-May-13 00:48:05

I've just had quite a nice date. A few drinks and then some late food. Got thrown out as the restaurant was closing. Some snogging as I got dropped off home so i'd hope we'll see each other again. Very good snogging in fact smile

lubeybooby Tue 07-May-13 01:59:43

Thanks everyone!

It's been really difficult... but only on and off

Most of the time a breeze, but when it's tough it's so tough it could just break me into tiny pieces. Thankfully those tough points don't last long! So for anyone wanting try it particularly if it's one or the other honestly do it. Don't fear it, you'll surprise yourself! For the cigs read the allen carr free pdf. For weight loss just use an online food diary and cal count and make it up as you go along to suit yourself and what you like.

Snape my loss this week was despite having a LARGE pizza hut pizza with the cheesy bites crust. ALL of it to myself. Last Monday. I just lost the plot totally after three weeks of being an angel and had to gorge massively and disgustingly! I had been pretty good that day so it only took me about 300 cals over what I should have.

The beauty of calorie counting is that you can compensate for it in the following days if you go massively off track like I did then.

I try to low carb most of the time too as being v low cal all week gives me a lot of cals to play with to have a blow out if I want one and a little bit extra weight loss if I don't.

So yeah aaaanyway my point is getting back on track the next day as you said or even the day after is fine.

Velvet well done on your 5.5lbs grin

Dating update from me. Still the same really, still too busy to really date or be meeting anyone. Have work trip coming up soon (17th) and will be shagging Mr Flirt during that. My ridiculous libido is doing it's nut again especially with the weight loss and energy so glad that is coming up grin

Will have date with the RL one that asked me out, but not til June.

Also seeing BC in June confused grin

Urgh, I must sleep. Can't believe it's nearly 2am. [worn out now emoticon]

Snape and Velvet, I think it is totally normal to feel those niggly doubts when you are not with someone, when nothing has been formally declared about the relationship.

Well, I appear to have been asked for a second date by my lovely date yesterday evening, MrAttractive. Hoorah! grin

Lubey you've just inspired me to go to the gym this afternoon.

MirandaWest Tue 07-May-13 08:41:32

I'm going running after dropping the DC at school (have been v lax at doing this recently blush)

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 07-May-13 09:17:33

Well hello Thread 53!smile

Avid thread reader, occasional (often ignored) postergrin

So far, all is well. Lab is still lovely.

<waves, blows kisses>

WFF re-enters the shadows...

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 09:35:08

Hey all, Im new to these threads,

Now what do you do when you connect with others, then they suddenly lose interest after about a week, and start to ignore you, how can you work out the issue when no one will be honest with you?

lubeybooby Tue 07-May-13 09:53:07

Louly, you stop bothering even trying because it's just impossible, ignore them if they eventually reappear like nothing happened too. Sorry

I know it sucks but it does happen a lot so that's the best way to deal with it. Ignore and move on.

Toni2710 Tue 07-May-13 09:54:40

Morning all - its so sunny today and im stuck at work looking out. Rubbish!

I thought the thread had gone :-S Blonde moment I think. So my date from Sun night does want to see me again. Which is good as I did like him (though he had odd shoes and an odd belt on!! I know, I know, as if that matters right now. But i like men in good shoes!) However, I have another date with the one I refer to as 'hot guy' on wednesday. Sunday night guy did kind of insinuate that he thinks when you go on a second date, you shouldnt date other people at the same time. What are peoples thoughts? I thought it was perhaps jumping the gun a bit for a second date.

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 09:55:55

It just happened recently Lubey, and i actually really liked him, im gonna give it a rest for a while, dont think my insecurities are ready for it.

lubeybooby Tue 07-May-13 10:02:45

Awww Louly sorry to hear that sad

After dating on and off for 6 years with a couple of relationships in the middle, and many many many dates I am just used to it and it glances off me

Had you met him yet?

If not then first dates don't really seem to have that massive a success rate so chances are something would have been not quite right anyway from either of your points of view

If you had then count yourself lucky to be already shot of someone who would treat you like this when they're meant to be impressing you

<tries to find bright side>

lubeybooby Tue 07-May-13 10:07:44

Toni that is jumping the gun a bit for me too.

I (well when actively dating properly anyway instead of just fwb hunting) tend to remain open to other dates right up until monogamous coupledom is mutually agreed.

However if something was really really good (like with BC) I'd lose interest in other dates from about the fourth or fifth date once bedroom action had been had. So although not intentional it just kind of happens anyway when something is heading in the direction of a relationship and you're in contact a lot and regular dates etc.

From the second date is yeah... bit soon for exclusivity imho.

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 10:07:45

Nope Lubey, only been a week, dont wanna give too much away for reasons i cant go into.

But this has happened about 15 times in 4 years, no relationships in that time, all it does it is chip away at a very fragile self esteem, so now of course i believe once again its because im utterly repulsive and im just a source of entertainment and thats it. Kinda like a puppy at xmas, its cute at first, then you cant wait to get rid of it.

Winefiend Tue 07-May-13 10:09:07

Morning! I have a day off today as i was supposed to be combining a visit up north with seeing knobhead. Instead I am going to blitz my garden and then sit in it and do lots of uni work. Far preferable to a weekend of having my head mashed grin

Aah Louly, he could maybe justbhave stuff going on? I'd take the advice to just leave it, he could come back, could just be a bit of a dick or could have his own insecurities going on. The possibilities are endless. I hate that not knowing feeling so I have a tendency as I'm quite straightforward have a massive gob to just ask if there's anything amiss but that isn't always the best advice!

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 10:12:18

Wine, i tend to do that aswell now, since no fucker has the right to fuck me about on a whim, but i've tried, i shall try no more this time.

lubeybooby Tue 07-May-13 10:13:27

I promise you that isn't true Louly

Without wishing to sound big headed and despite my plus sized arse I am confident in my own attractiveness (being a model on the side helps) and I know I am a kind and intelligent person with a sense of humour and adventure so I honestly can't see anything wrong in my personality either and it still happens to me

It totally reflects on them being flaky and not you at all I promise.

Bant Tue 07-May-13 10:14:33

What I've found is that on first dates people are on their best behaviour. Second dates people come out of their shells a bit more and some of their more hidden weirdnesses may come out. You may choose to not see them again after this. I'd save exclusivity for after a third date, possibly having gone to bed with them and finding out if they screech like a gibbon.

I wouldn't sleep with two people at the same time, but I would consider still having first/second dates with more than one person as, quite frankly, so many just disappear due to issues with exes, deciding they don't want to get serious, or the fact they don't like me screeching like a gibbon.

People who want to get exclusive straight away, without even meeting you (in some cases) - that's usually a red flag indicating possessiveness and insecurity.

WFF - we always notice you smile

Also, what counts as 'disappearing'? I had a date on Friday with a woman who just wasn't my sort. At all. It was obvious. For the first time ever I actually thought about just saying 'no' and turning around and leaving when I got there - I didn't, cos I'm not an arse, but it was so obviously not right I did think about it for a second. So I didn't mail or call her afterwards with a 'thanks but no thanks' - does that make me a disappearer?

Winefiend Tue 07-May-13 10:17:53

Exactly what lubey said. I don't take it personally and definitely subscribe to the 'their loss' school of thought. Probably helps that I appear to attract men with seemingly apparent personality disorders so I can write it off quite easily as 'their ishooooos' grin

If you haven't met yet it could just be that he has met someone and doesn't want to be double dating. However, he could have the decency to tell you that. Remember, it's all BS until it happens.

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 10:18:35

Bant, im talking more about being so keen, like not leaving the other person alone then suddenly nothing, and its not the first time its happened either.

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 10:20:54

X Posted, Wine, if hes not interested, then i'd rather know, i respect honesty alot, and if he was honest then i could leave it and move on.

Winefiend Tue 07-May-13 10:21:49

Bant that is tricky, it depends really. If she was giving no signals whatsoever that she was interested she may be relieved to not have to deal with the awkwardness. If she was keen she's quite poss calling you all the bastards under the sun grin

I didn't hear much from mine (Sun date with the octopus hands) yesterday as he was hungover. I was quite relieved. This is probs not a good sign. I'll reply and let contact fizzle out a wee bit and if he (as I predict) texts me late on Fri/Sat a fuck off tablet will be administered.

mercury7 Tue 07-May-13 10:26:31

I dont think that makes you a disappearer Bant.
I have felt like leaving immediately on around 70% of first dates and had they not contacted me afterwards I'd not have bothered with the thanks but no thanks text.

When I've met someone who must have known from my photo's that I wouldnt have looked twice at them if I passed them in the street I just feel really irritated that I let them waste my time and I certainly dont feel as if I owe them any explanation.

VelvetSpoon Tue 07-May-13 10:34:51

Louly, this has happened to me a lot. I have had hundreds of texts and messages from blokes, with one I actually turned my phone off because I couldn't get anything done. Amd then (usually post first date) they go all quiet, text 2/3 times a day rather than 10 or more every hour, then disappear. Because they are complete dicks, each and every one. Either they are not looking for a relationship (and just bullshitting), or they are seeing loads of women doing the whole sweetshop thing. But whatever it is, it almost certainly won't be you.

I did all this stuff for 4 years, never got beyond a first date. Which made no sense to me at all because I know I am attractive, I have a good personality, great job, lovely home. In theory I should tick most boxes. My lack of success HAS to be them and not me - and it will be the same for you I'm sure. And after all that crap, I am now dating 4omeone who is a thousand times lovelier and far more attractive than all the idiots who binned me off after 1 date.

But if you want a break, take one for a while. Or carry on, maybe on a different site. You will meet someone nice evenually, however unlikely it may seem now.

VelvetSpoon Tue 07-May-13 10:39:39

Apologies for typos, am on my phone smile

Bant, I think as has been said, if she didn't seem too keen either, then leave it. If however she clearly was interested in seeing you again I'd send a polite thanks but no spark reply.

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 10:41:05

Velvet I had a break for a 18 months, it was an accidental meeting online, so i decided to take the chance.

Toni2710 Tue 07-May-13 11:22:57

Well glad im not some kind of OD whore! I did think it was really excessive to think that we shouldn't date other people just to go on a second date. Its kind of put me off him a bit to be honest. I fear I may be very fussy!

Louly - I think there are lots of men out there who just love the feeling of power they get over making a woman interested in them, then completely ignoring them. Bah. I's sure its not you.

Bant - I think thats fine. Im not sure I would contact someone I wasnt interested in after a bad date if they didnt contact me. That says it all really, and stops the predicament of wording 'im just not into you'.

Ex is dating a new woman - i hate it. I wish i could find someone i actually really like. That would help a lot I think. It doesnt help that hes purposely trying to make me jealous. Just need to remember that I left him because hes a lying cheating arse, and I can do better than that (easier said than done though :0( )

Just had a message from a guy i spoke to a while ago on POF, but turned down as I didnt feel ready to date (and he was lovely). He then disappeared from the site, just as I wad ready. great to have a message though, so potentially another date lined up.

Winefiend Tue 07-May-13 11:26:53

Toni that sounds really hopeful! Ignore the ex, if he's doing it deliberately then that confirms what a first class cock he is.

Secretservice Tue 07-May-13 11:30:17

A new thread! How did that happen?

OWW just caught up on yesterday's stuff. So sorry about knobhead, hope your feeling ok today. Please, don't let it derail Indie, you need - and deserve - all the good in your life you can get

Lubey still nothing but awe for you grin

WFF was that a dig, eh? grin

Nora hope you're feeling a little less inflamed this morning! Same goes for Wine's nose

louly welcome and believe what everyone says about the disappearers - and I think Bant's skating a little close to the edge! - it's not us. Or at least it's not you, it might still be me grin but I'm working on it!

Huge, double arm wave to everyone else particularly those suffering winedoom and carpiness. You know who you are!!

Winefiend Tue 07-May-13 11:32:49

Secret my nose is fine and dandy thank you. Sudocrem is a miracle worker grin

Secretservice Tue 07-May-13 11:49:09

Glad to hear it Wine! Maybe a glib if Vaseline as a preventative measure next time? grin

Secretservice Tue 07-May-13 11:50:05

Glob of, obviously

Winefiend Tue 07-May-13 11:53:53

Haha well there is unlikely to be a next time with this particular one but I shall bear that in mind for future ref grin

KirstyWirsty Tue 07-May-13 12:28:26

Waiting for therockclimber to arrive .. I feel quite nervous!!

EternalRose Tue 07-May-13 12:32:21

Hello daters!

So basically, I have been doing some thinking... and I hope you all don't think I am a prude.

But, I would not be comfortable with sleeping with someone after a few dates at all. May I ask if the reason for sleeping with someone so soon is to test out sexual compatibility? And if there is none, you would just bin the other person? Is it silly of me to think that sexual compatibility can be worked on if there is a connection in every other area of the relationship or is this me just being way too optimistic?

I haven't yet decided if someone being not that great in the sack is a deal breaker because I have been with someone who was fine, but he was crap in every other area of our relationship so I found him a big turn off, its all very confusing! confused

Bant Tue 07-May-13 13:05:15

Rose. No one is going to think you're a prude. Everyone has different comfort zones. I think you can get an idea what someone is line in bed from a kiss, to some extent, but for me if someone us going to just lie back and think of England, I don't want to sleep with them. Also if they turn up with handcuffs and a ball gag, that's just too much. Either one would put me off but I don't need to sleep with everyone just to get that idea.

I'm comfortable with the three date thing myself, but would go sooner if the spark was there. I've dropped people who obviously wanted to before though, on the first or second (or later) date if it didn't feel right for other reasons

Secretservice Tue 07-May-13 13:10:55

Good luck Kirsty

Rose I think we're all different as to what works. For me, it's almost like I feel I'm running out of time, and so am willing to risk the fallout of it being too soon in the search, so far elusive, for the 'movie sex' as experienced by Snape envy
And for the same reason sexual incompatibility would be a deal breaker for me. Twenty years is long enough, I refuse to waste any more of my life trying to train someone up!
But then I'm an old gimmer, you, if I remember rightly, have decades ahead of you to take all the time you need!

Winefiend Tue 07-May-13 13:11:41

Rose everyone is different. For me personally, sexual compatibility is really important as I've had two long term relationships (one being a marriage) in which we weren't matched at all and it inevitably (despite attempts to save this) led to us drifting into living as friends. This has probably led to me in recent times being too focused on the sexual side of things and tolerating more crap than I usually would.

I'm going with the three (at least) date thing in future now as I want to avoid the above and not let the fact someone is good in bed (and filth) cloud my judgement which it did in a very big way this time last week

Winefiend Tue 07-May-13 13:13:51

Ooh and good luck Kirsty!

EternalRose Tue 07-May-13 13:27:52

Bant -Interesting what you said about the kissing thing, my ex is a terrible kisser but he is alright otherwise. But for me now, bad kissing would be a dealbreaker...

Secretservice - I can understand that you might feel like you are running out of time, I hadn't considered that...

Winefiend - That is the thing, once I have sex with someone my judgement is clouded big time which is evident by the fact I have stayed with someone way, way, way, past their sell by date

For me, I would need to see consistent actions from this potential partner that he is interested in ME, and not just the sex. I told my friend first that it would pretty much need to be relationship first, sex afterwards...

I am old-fashioned.

EternalRose Tue 07-May-13 13:29:08

Edit....*I told my friend this morning

OhWesternWind Tue 07-May-13 13:57:21

Rose I think a good sexual relationship is something that needs to be worked at to a certain extent as you become more used to each other and at ease with each other.

But, like Bant says, if there are fundamental differences in what people like or expect, or how the other person relates to you in bed (which can be very different to how they are when chatting in the pub), then that could cause major problems in the future. For example, I did have one guy, who I didn't actually sleep with but was planning to, when he mentioned some things he wanted me to do to him that I was really not comfortable with.

I've slept with two people now whilst OD. The first time, there was a lot of faffing about on my part about shall I/shan't I as I was very nervous as I'd not done anything like that for a very long time, but this time I have had no such qualms. Both went well, the first improved a lot with time and I think the same will happen with this one. Both were/are in situations where we both intended to carry on seeing each other, and I don't think I'd be comfortable otherwise.

I agree with the thing about life being too short though. I wasted many, many years with someone who was selfish and rubbish in bed and ended up having no sex life for years whilst we were together. I don't want to miss out on that side of life any more. It's important and a big part of what makes a relationship different to a friendship.

KirstyWirsty Tue 07-May-13 14:19:16

OMG .. He is absolutely gorgeous!! Much better than his pictures .. He thought I looked better than my pics too .. Really hit it off .. Going out for dinner on Saturday grin

MirandaWest Tue 07-May-13 14:44:32

Ooh that's great Kirsty grin

Rose I'm like you I think, am having a second date with MrAttractive at the weekend. Cough, cough, YES A SECOND DATE, ahem, oops, caps lock, ahem.... And I am hoping for some snogging, but can't imagine being comfortable then to do shagging on date 3. Actually, I think it's the expectation that I would shag him on date 3 that gets on my tits. We are all different, just go at your own pace smile

I don't think you are a disappearer in that situation Bant, to me a disappearer would be someone who after a few seemingly successful dates just suddenly cut contact with no explanation.

Louly, sorry to hear you are feeling low. Feel free to tell me to sod off, but have you considered cbt to help with low self esteem / social insecurities type stuff. I had this and it helped me enormously.

Sounds promising Kirsty smile

Hi WFF! Glad all is going well. Loula, honestly don't waste time trying to work out what 'you' did as I doubt very much it was you, sounds like he's just a flake. It's happened to me a few times and I just forget it and move on.

Great news Kirsty!

lubeybooby Tue 07-May-13 15:19:33

Rose, there's nothing wrong at all in waiting

it just isn't for me for two reasons:

1) I am looking at the moment for something based more on sex than it anything else. Yes with a little nice stuff too like going out etc but getting some damned good sex is my main concern for the forseeable grin

2) even when I'm looking for something maybe a bit more serious sex is something really vital to me and I have a clear idea of how I like and want it. It's dealbreaker territory.

I can be a bit more forgiving if everything else is brilliant though as the main focus wouldn't be sex when looking for a proper relationship

but - either way. I don't want to get too far down the line and then discover, like I have in the past, completely unworkable sexual issues.

Fetishes that are too strong for the person to have normal sex without

Porn addiction meaning they can't orgasm unless by wanking

Erectile dysfunction they won't get any help for

all of the above happened to me in the space of a about a year with otherwise excellent men I was dating. But all of those were a dealbreaker. I'm glad i didn't wait til i was in love!

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 15:47:58

Well over it now, have bigger issues to deal with, hes no big loss to me, just wish he picked someone else instead of darkening my door.

Hey, i've had CBT, it didnt make a difference.

KinNora Tue 07-May-13 16:08:54

Hello Twinny grin

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 16:11:59

Oh and i worked out what my purpose was for, he was just using me for a confidence boost.

Bant Tue 07-May-13 18:30:22

Right I'm off out to meet the Unnamed Hungarian. Can't promise a loo update as I don't get signal there.

Wish me luck

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 18:31:14

Good Luck Bant, remember to not do anything that will shame us mumsnetters ;)

KinNora Tue 07-May-13 18:31:44

Good luck Bant, I hope it's much more enjoyable than you're expecting it to be.

fedthefup Tue 07-May-13 18:46:57

Good luck Bant, finally caught up on the old thread and the new one! Good news is i've joined Meet up and have rsvp'd to an event but there are only 10 people going! Not a lot going on in my area which is surprising.
Bad news is, still a bit wobbly over ex (ish) and his 'sort of' OW - trying to decide whether to tune in tonight or not, I know i'll just be sat looking for faults (pretty unlikely though - she is far prettier than me sad )

KinNora Tue 07-May-13 19:05:27

Fed I wouldn't tune in, why put yourself through something painful that you can just avoid ? And I speak from personal experience on that one, I can tell you.

Good luck Bant

I wouldn't tune in Fed, the day I stopped looking at my ex and his new gf on Facebook was one of the most freeing days of my life. I am so much happier because of it. You are only hurting yourself, and maintaining the illusion that you are somehow still involved in their life. Much better (for me anyway), to stop all that, and realise actually how remote your life is from theirs. It is bloody tough.

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 19:42:37

My ex has had 3 relationships after me, i havent had anyone, and i just cant give a shit about that, im waiting for something meaningful, not just something to pass the time.

KinNora Tue 07-May-13 20:20:29

Knowing what you want and holding out for that, instead of making do, is probably a very healthy way to set about OD, Lou.

Yes Hey, I'm lucky in that I refuse to do Facebook so I don't have the temptation to look at my ex's relationships. I think there's a tendency to imagine that they must be perfect, and everyone's all loved up - in reality they'll be struggling with the same issues that exist in all relationships.

OhWesternWind Tue 07-May-13 20:28:07

Good luck Bant

Hi WFF would never ignore you!

Hey whoo whoo whoo for date number two! Have you got any arrangements made yet?

Nora so what's the story with Ole Showbiz after the weekend?

Fed just don't do it, won't make you feel better. Meet up sounds good, nothing in my area at all so ten people is not to be sneezed at.

Pom hope you're feeling a bit brighter today.

Dolly loads and loads of good luck for tonight!

Louly there are some people out there who use OD for all sorts if reasons apart from dating! I'm hoping to find something meaningful too, fingers crossed for us.

Sorry whoever I've missed.

Have got my equilibrium back a bit today and feeling much more positive. Date lined up for tomorrow with Indie - this is becoming a bit of a habit ... That's good, I think.

Bant Tue 07-May-13 20:29:13

Well she's interesting. Good to talk to. But there are 5 other women in the bar and I find them all more attractive. Is that a bad thing?

OhWesternWind Tue 07-May-13 20:29:54

I missed fantastic kick-ass Lubey! Amazing stuff going on with you. Keep it up!

OhWesternWind Tue 07-May-13 20:31:36

Bant is she actually unattractive or just less attractive? Good to talk to is more important, I think.

KinNora Tue 07-May-13 20:36:48

I'm glad you feel a little better today, OWW, don't let that muppet get you down. Is tomorrow's date with Indie going to afford another sexy time opportunity ?

The story with Showbiz, hmmm, tricky. I like him, he's good company, he errr clearly knows a thing or two but I don't fancy him. Maybe it makes me feel safe to know that I'm not going to fall for him and that's good for me at the moment. I'm seeing him again at the end of the month.

Bant I suspect it means you won't be boffing her in the lift. (new euphemism ?)

OhWesternWind Tue 07-May-13 20:52:29

Tomorrow is drinks, so maybe a little bit of firtling around but no major rumpy pumpy. It will be good. He's good to talk to as well as the other stuff, so it's all going as I think it should at this stage.

The Showbiz thing sounds good for what it is. Nothing complicated or messy.

Well, it's not a good thing Bant, but maybe not disastrous?

Looking forward to update from Dolly, and pleased you sounding brighter OWW smile

Facebook is the work of the devil Kin <gavel>

My second date is on Sunday evening, going for dinner to a nice country pub. Am more nervous about it that the first one, as there's a bit more at stake I guess. Just hope that sparkle is still there...

<waves to rest of lovely thread>

KinNora Tue 07-May-13 21:00:50

Hey Facebook is absolutely the Devil's work, I thought I was a lone voice.

OWW Indie sounds really good, excellent snogger, promising shag and good company. Sadly Showbiz has awoken the kraken that is my libido and I'm feeling the need for a daily seeing to. Arse.

OhWesternWind Tue 07-May-13 21:24:03

That sounds lovely Hey. Second dates have always gone really well for me - you've got past that first hurdle and its the fun getting to know you stuff.

Yes Nora I am feeling a bit the same way and am requiring regular attention and tending to. Am watching telly with him by text ... It's fun.

fedthefup Tue 07-May-13 21:32:24

Am back from the local pub - just had a lovely tea with xdh & DS2, stuck the telly on but am quite merry from the wine I had so don't really care, haven't even seen her speak yet (get the biatch fired I say!! haha)

OWW - I admire how you have ditched LM and moved on, Indie sounds lovely smile this is pretty much what I need to do but always seem to gravitate back to numpty when i'm feeling lonely, if he could fall off the edge of the world that would be great smile

Lubey - well done on the weightloss and non smoking, I downloaded the pdf you linked to a few threads back but haven't started yet - you are an inspiration smile

KinNora Tue 07-May-13 21:36:22

It's bizarre, isn't it OWW ? I've not been that arsed for ages and then all of a sudden it goes crazeee. I'm going to have to prod Showbiz to flirt with me in a minute, he's neglecting his duties.

OhWesternWind Tue 07-May-13 21:45:46

The sap is rising Nora - am blaming the primeval urges of spring.

Fed I still have a few wobbles about LM, and it's easier because I don't see him around if I'm a little bit judicious about which pubs and restaurants I go in. No contact is hard at first (but I am very proud and obstinate) but it works. Indie is I think a lovely man - so far ...

VelvetSpoon Tue 07-May-13 22:02:36

<waves to thread>

Hope you'll forgive me for just coming on here for a whinge.

Having one of those days where I am feeling utterly fed up with my crappy, unfinished house. I'd love to jump in the shower. Except I don't have one, well not a plumbed in one. I am fed up with washing my hair with a jug over the bath, and (in this weather) of baths full stop. Can't sit in the garden because that's a jungle. And I can't do anything about any of it til the Ex takes the money and I get his name off the mortgage, which at this rate will take forever (3 years and counting...). I am mostly resigned to it but every so often, like today, it massively bugs me. So all a bit angry, coupled with envy for people with showers!

But on the plus side, I haven't resorted to chocolate yet smile

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 22:05:17

Velvet, i'll curse the twat with cock rot for ya right now grin

KinNora Tue 07-May-13 22:11:27

Oh the occasional whinge is cathartic Velvet get it off your chest, I say. Soon you'll be skinny, rid of that wanknose forever and swanning around your lovely house.

OhWesternWind Tue 07-May-13 22:22:31

Velvet you have all my sympathy, sometimes it just really gets on your wick. Is there anything legal you can do to encourage the process along?

VelvetSpoon Tue 07-May-13 22:35:07

Ah, thanks all smile I don't want much, I'd just love to go for a shower now. The more I think about it the more it annoys me!

Apparently the weathers on the turn from tomorrow so I won't miss it too much then.

Western I could take him to a formal court hearing, problem is there's no telling how that could turn out. I'd probably have to pay him at least what he's previously asked for, it's possible it could be less, but then there's always the risk of it being (a lot) more. So I'd rather do a deal - but as he's living rent free, getting his meals cooked and clothes washed and ironed, and only paying 20% tax, and not giving me a penny, he's in no hurry! Meh.

Will keep telling myself it won't be forever hopefully smile

<waves to all> well the longest date in history will be over tomorrow, it was meant to be a couple of days, it turned into a week of movie sex, time stands still sex, opera sex grin and snogging everywhere including supermarkets blush. I'm going to miss him.

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 23:17:11

Thats right, rub it in Juliette grin

SweetSeraphim Tue 07-May-13 23:20:53

Awww Juliette gringrin

So glad this was great for you grin

Bant Tue 07-May-13 23:32:55

Alright, back home now. So when she turned up I just thought oh, shame. She's photo #4 not #2. Or possibly the other way around. Either way, it didn't bode well. She was interesting to chat to, 4 hours of pretty constant chat from both sides. I just didn't fancy her though. Funny teeth and a slightly rawboned look.

Shame. She was talking about a second date in a roundabout way.

How to tell her 'no spark' without it sounding like 'I didn't fancy you'. ? Which is the truth but a bit harsh.

Cheek kisses goodnight, nothing more.

Toni2710 Tue 07-May-13 23:35:10

Sounds amazing Juliette! I want that!!!
I'm officially fb stalking exes new woman. I'm actually annoying myself doing it but can't help it. Goodness I need a better distraction. Hope this date tomorrow lives up to my expectations (bet it doesn't, as I don't usually have any for ODs)

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 23:36:37

Bant, shame there werent a spark there, but cant win em all can ya.

Toni2710 Tue 07-May-13 23:36:50

Bang, perhaps just say something like you though she was lovely and had a nice evening, but you didn't feel that there was the spark you were looking for. A compliment of sorts will always soften the blow!

mercury7 Tue 07-May-13 23:38:05

How fabulous Juliette! grin grin

ALittleStranger Tue 07-May-13 23:45:08

Bant did you find her unattractive or was there just no spark? Would you set her up with a reasonably good looking friend??

It's my perpetual OD angst, whether to give it a second go if I didn't actively fancy them but didn't think they were actively unappealing. I'm aware that I have in the past found myself massively attracted to people I barely gave a second, third or fourth look to.

Hi you lot!! He liked my dinner! I think he preferred dessert mind you wink ahhhh I'm a slut! And I don't care! grin

Bant, I always use the 'you're (compliment) and I had a really good time meeting you but I just didn't feel we had that romantic spark. Good luck etc'. In other words, I don't fancy you smile

Thanks for all the good wishes everyone grin

Winefiend Wed 08-May-13 00:07:22

Nice one Dolly grin and also nice one Kirsty, successful dates!

Juliette, I am WELL JEL (or something grin)

Speaking of libidos getting the better of you, against (perhaps) my better judgement, I texted back the date who made my nose red on Sunday this eve.

Now, there wasn't anything massively wrong with him, or really wrong with him at all besides being too 'laddy' for me. I was just slightly taken aback by how, er, enthusiastic he got about the snogging session (I don't mean erections here, I did not check but I'd guess at yes). He's told me this eve how 'horny' (fucking hate that word) he was all of yesterday because of it. Now, I am certain I am not wanting owt with this one, but because it has been a while a week I am now thinking perhaps he would make a good FWB. I'm pretty certain we wouldn't be discussing anything particularly deep, which seems to be my 'thing' that gets me emotionally involved with some of the knobheads men I have seen recently so I will give this some consideration.

mercury7 Wed 08-May-13 01:21:23

I also cant stand 'horny' but what other term to use? confused

mercury7 Wed 08-May-13 01:22:57

and in my experience there is no reliable correlation between the caliber of the snogging and the caliber of the sex

Moanranger Wed 08-May-13 06:05:55

Mercury agree re snogging/sex. Ultimately it's whether they enjoy foreplay. Can be good kissers but then straight to PIV.
Interesting to read general consensus about wanting good sex as a priority, post-marriage & with happy return of libido, I came to that conclusion. I have had some great lovers in the past, but STBXH not one of them. Looking to the future, I have no need for an H ( in the lightbulb-changing, rubbish removing sense). I make my own dosh, so what I want is a physical compatibility plus some emotional connection.
But this whole dating scene -sheesh!- it's like flipping high school ( " he didn't phone", "I wonder what he meant by that?") & all the over-thinking. I am going to have to bear rule no1 in mind, as I expect there will be a few "experiments" before a "keeper" is found.
One difficulty I have is that men in my age group -to be blunt- have mostly lost their looks. I do like at least presentable, but my bottom line is no smokers & no beer bellies. Am trying to see their souls, so to speak, but have to get past the cragginess, receding hairlines, etc.
Have many Meet Ups planned - next is walk with about 30+ on it & a good ratio of men& women.

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 06:41:39

Morning everyone,

Juliette so pleased for you, that all sounds amazing, have a safe journey back.

Moan yes, OD is a journey back in time to being 15, it's quite distressing to realise that some things don't improve.

I had to tell Showbiz off for using the word 'horny' - he's an intelligent, cultured man with a sophisticated vocabulary, why use such an ugly word ?
Have a fantastic day everyone

Bant Wed 08-May-13 06:47:44

Nora? Can you suggest a better word? 'Excited' is too vague. 'Tumescent' is far too specific. 'Hot under the collar' could imply a nasty rash.
I've used 'het up' in the past, but that's got to be understood.

WarmFuzzyFun Wed 08-May-13 06:54:18


Bant Wed 08-May-13 06:56:44

Sounds a bit mills & boony

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 07:08:25

I love the word 'tumescent', it's a great word. I'm going with 'frisky' or possibly 'if you need some luuuuuurrrrvin'

Bant Wed 08-May-13 08:10:52

I like frisky. But it does remind me of a jack Russell that's going to try and shag someone's leg..

KirstyWirsty Wed 08-May-13 08:30:35

In a tizz???

juliette when are you seeing him again?

Winefiend Wed 08-May-13 08:41:37

Tumescent grin

I'm not sure how, or what I've used in its place but I've somehow managed to avoid the 'h' word. May have used 'het up' or possibly 'fired up' but it has to benin context (and bearing in mind some folk call me Begbie, it can take on a whole new meaning).

VelvetSpoon Wed 08-May-13 08:45:53

The word horny makes me feel a bit cringy. If C ever uses it I may have to dump him! I think he has used excited in the past.

Bant Wed 08-May-13 09:20:56

It does summon up images of Austen powers on all fours on his rotating bed, doesn't it?

MirandaWest Wed 08-May-13 09:24:04

I don't think Mr Nice has used the word horny. He has used the word randy though which luckily has only been used in a text so he didn't see me laughing grin.

I'm OK with saying things in the heat of the moment so to speak but am not so good at being Pre meditated.

Where's summer gone?

Winefiend Wed 08-May-13 09:56:53

Oh I'm glad it's not just me then grin

I also hate the word pussy <boak>

OhWesternWind Wed 08-May-13 09:59:18

Up and down like a yo-yo at the moment. Feeling a bit bollocks this morning, really missing having a proper person/relationship. I am pretty fed up that even scumbag violent abusers like Titto can find someone that loves them enough to get married and here's me still tiddling about with OD and not having anyone special in my life.

On that note, I'm thinking of calling it a day with Indie, not sure that he is what I want, nothing I can really put my finger on - we get on well, but no massive "click", things were good in bed, but not fantastic etc etc. Or maybe I should just give things a bit more of a chance, think I could well be expecting too much as it's still very early days. Really not sure what to do and I think most of it is probably down to me feeling low and pessimistic.

48howdidthathappen Wed 08-May-13 11:02:47

My mum is back home again today smile Hope things go better this time.

One of my sisters is causing so much shit. Hitman required

Ended it with Mr R&R yesterday. In a calm manner shock This relationship stuff can be so hard. He turned up after work. We both really opened up. We got to know each other better in those few hours than we have in months. Onwards and upwards I hope.

ike1 Wed 08-May-13 11:38:54

I am hot for you babeh...get those knick knacks off! I have got the raging horn at the mo...have no idea why....incredibly unusual for me....I dunno what to do with it. Look, 48, is it on or off??

ike1 Wed 08-May-13 11:41:07

OWW... I would just try to let stuff hang for a while no need to make are going through a tough time lovely girl.

ike1 Wed 08-May-13 11:41:59

Christ, this is what Lubey must feel like all the time poor bugger...Im off to the gym...

Secretservice Wed 08-May-13 11:44:32

I'm so sorry OWW not much advice really, apart from maybe give Indie a chance. I know it's so easy when feeling crap to want to throw everything away, even the good, and hibernate for a while. But you know what works for you.

And Titto can waltz off into someone else's arms because he can play at being fancy free, whereas you have all the grown up stuff to handle with the kids and real life. Does new wife even know what he's left behind? It's more than likely she's fallen for his facade not the scumbag beneath. thanks

Good news about your mum 48. I think this thread needs our own Faceless Men, a la Game of Thrones, to deal with the likes of your sister and all the OD fuckwits grin

So are things still on with R&R after your talk?

48howdidthathappen Wed 08-May-13 11:45:30

Oh its On smile Love is the easy bit. The meat in the sandwhich is the toughie.

Secretservice Wed 08-May-13 11:46:44

Is that another euphemism 48?

mercury7 Wed 08-May-13 11:48:28

what about libidinous?
too pretentious?

yes, I hate the way it makes me feel 15 again, totally embarrassed at my irrational thought processes and torturous insecurities blushblushblush
But at least I have mostly kept them to myself and not let on to the various objects of my romantic obsessions

48howdidthathappen Wed 08-May-13 11:49:50

Haha SS No. Its all the crap that has gone on in our pasts.

mercury7 Wed 08-May-13 11:53:22

funnily enough 'I've got the raging horn'
sounds so much better than 'I'm horny'
infact I can barely bring myself to type 'I'm horny' it makes me cringe so much
How did 'horn' come to be associated with sexual arousal?
Is it some phallic symbolism?

ike1 Wed 08-May-13 11:53:33

I feel like doing something norty..what can I do??

ike1 Wed 08-May-13 11:54:53

Yeah I guess a horn looks like an erect phalus ...ooh honestly I dont know what is the matter with me...

48howdidthathappen Wed 08-May-13 11:58:16

I blame the weather Ike A little sunshine and The Horn Rages.

mercury7 Wed 08-May-13 12:06:40

oh please not 'norty' confused

KirstyWirsty Wed 08-May-13 12:13:51

Spring has sprung ike grin

MirandaWest Wed 08-May-13 12:28:48

It's raining again here. Three days of summer and that's it grin

Snapespeare Wed 08-May-13 13:23:12

the reason why evil-exes re-partner so quickly and easily is to do with low standards and high stupidity.

oww I think you should give Indie a bit longer, it's early days and as long as there is a degree of fun, then he might be a bit more of a grower.

48 glad your mum is back and hurrah for R&R.

juliette i'm so glad that you had a lovely, lovely time. smile

ike cold shower. think about David Cameron stepping out of the shower all naked and pink and tumescent!

nameless uses the word 'horny' it doesn't bother me at all - thought it would, but doesn't!

<general thread wave>

Bant Wed 08-May-13 13:47:02

Actually make it George Osborne

VelvetSpoon Wed 08-May-13 13:53:55

My ex is even more single than me. He did have one girlfriend, but once he realised she didn't have any money and she realised he wouldn't support her and her kids that all went shit-shaped.

Western, I don't think you need to make any rash decisions re indie. Give some thought to what you want, if your heart really isn't in it, even though you enjoy his company etc, there's no harm in calling it a day.

I am making a few decisions about things today, which is all good. Am planning tactics around the house issue, and around C. Always feel much better once I have a plan in place smile

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 14:52:44

I'm going to issue a list of prohibited words for all prospective shaggees, a bit like that institution for the protection of the French language, including (but not limited to)
All these words pain me.

And talking of paining me, Spud has emailed me with details of an injury he has sustained, knowing full well that I will find it hideously difficult to resist asking about it. Bastard.

ike1 Wed 08-May-13 14:58:58

Right that was the second wank of the day. Dont normally go in for all that self love nonsense. I feel like messaging Mr Ruse and getting him to come over n' give me a seeing to .....except I dont know him, never met him and might not fancy him...sigh....hopefully it will pass soon.

Winefiend Wed 08-May-13 15:01:55

Aaagh christ I hate 'cum' as well. Vile vile vile vile.

Ah Nora, it is rather shit when they do things like that. Easier said than done but would it be possible to ask him to stop emailing you if it's doing your head in? I'm still getting my head around that little wankbadger from last week deliberately adding a line referring to an in-joke of ours to his POF profile. Goon. He also knows that I know that he's moving today and will be mega stressed and I am trying vey hard to tell my better nature to fuck right off as it wants to see if he's coping alright.

Channelling inner Begbie.

Winefiend Wed 08-May-13 15:02:51

Oh Ike that made me do some serious MEGALOLZ while I'm sat in the car tossing it off between visits

Winefiend Wed 08-May-13 15:03:02

Not literally like

Loulybelle Wed 08-May-13 15:05:33

Ugh "Cum" that word makes me cringe so much.

ike1 Wed 08-May-13 15:05:48

I tell you what though, Wine, if we do meet up and he is presentable..I will be tearing his fucking clothes of with my teeth...and I am almost never like that....its been 6 months so maybe that's a turning point or somthing...dunno...

Loulybelle Wed 08-May-13 15:07:10

6 months since you last had sex Ike?

ike1 Wed 08-May-13 15:19:52

Yes Louly ....hahaha it could have been anything that couldnt it.....

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 15:20:57

Ike that really made me laugh, you poor, poor sex-crazed thing. ( I did 3 years, six months is nowt you lightweight ).

OWW don't pack Indie in, especially don't pack him in because that turd has affected your mood at the moment - letting him do that is giving him power over your life again.

Wine I might not answer him, especially as it's so fucking manipulative - he knows me too well.

ike1 Wed 08-May-13 15:22:28

Yep Kin ....grrr I dunno how people with normal, functioning libidos cope with dry spells ....its just amazingly DISTRACTING!!!

Loulybelle Wed 08-May-13 15:23:16

Im a month away from 4 years no sex, so there grin

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 15:26:26

Oooh, you have my absolute sympathy Lou - that's baaaaad.

Ike - I dealt with it by becoming an excellent customer of Love Honey.

Toni2710 Wed 08-May-13 15:40:56

I have date nerves for tonight! And I'm usually ok. I think he's the one I've liked the look/sound of most though. Which automatically makes me think he won't like me.

I've really gone off Sunday night guy. Which is a shame as we seemed to hit it off!

ike1 Wed 08-May-13 16:03:21

What about ....Hey babez d'ya fancy a bit of sexy time? uhuh?

OhWesternWind Wed 08-May-13 16:05:38

Sexi Ike surely.

ike1 Wed 08-May-13 16:06:06

D' ya dare me to email that to Mr Ruse...he obvs loved the idea of fun....I am sure if I gave him my address he'd be over...

Loulybelle Wed 08-May-13 16:08:22

I dare!!

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 16:34:05

Part of me wants to dare you, Ike...

Kin you know you have to ignore Spud don't you, he's no right to suddenly decide to attempt re entry into any area of your life. If you reply it will only feed him.

I had 8 months of nothing, not even a snog until last week. I'm on the train home now and there was a lot of probably unseemly snogging all over the airport terminal, I have time to make up grin

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 16:45:34

When are you seeing him again Juliette ? ( I know I keep saying this but I'm so happy for you )

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 16:54:26

( and yes, I know about Spud, he takes advantage of my profoundly un-bitter nature. I'm a bit rubbish )

WarmFuzzyFun Wed 08-May-13 17:10:23


Hey Thread!

I like seriously dodgy words blush but I guess it depends who is saying them and the context. (I won't upset twin et al by saying which ones though.)

The weather changing set me off, I have cried all morning before work. Does anyone else respond to the low pressure/atmospheric change, or am I just mad/exhausted/overwhelmed with a chaotic life?confused

VelvetSpoon Wed 08-May-13 17:13:20

I find I'm ok with whole libido thing so long as I don't think about it (over 2 months currently, which is pretty poor given that I am seeing someone!...hopefully I will be making up for that when he's back in the UK) actually its the same with food - if I don't think about it I'm never hungry.

Weird grin

VelvetSpoon Wed 08-May-13 17:17:12

Wff, no the weather stuff affects me too - although I do find being tired etc makes it worse. As soon as I saw it was glum and rainy out I felt v pathetic, whereas the last few mornings waking up to blue skies I've been really happy.

How are you feeling now, any better?

WarmFuzzyFun Wed 08-May-13 17:22:08

I beat you all regarding how long I've been without sex, but too embarrassed to say exactly how long.

Glad to my bones that is very much in the past...grin

And I agree sexual compatibility is a BIG swift deal breaker. I believe that at the age I am dealing with peoples' sexual habits/fetishes (personalities etc) are pretty fixed, so you take them as they are or move on.

I am not a fixer anymore.

WarmFuzzyFun Wed 08-May-13 17:25:22

x posts Velvet

I am feeling 'weighed down' if that makes any sense, a kind of heaviness.

I think the job uncertainty has contributed, plus kids and their craziness - bleurgh, sometimes I would love to just have an empty house.

Have decided to get very drunk tonight.

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 17:36:48

Hello Twinny !
I like good robust Anglo Saxon terminology in the right context and from the right person but I'm not going to think about that because I'll get all distracted. shock

I like a bit of overcast, drizzly weather - I usually maintain it's all those thousands of celtic ancestors.

ike1 Wed 08-May-13 18:05:39

So pleased for you Jules....I am just generally frustrated I want a maaaan but one I fancy. I have time to fall in love now but I wont come Oct...ffs!

ike1 Wed 08-May-13 18:07:17

Iam like Annie Lennox in the I need a Man video...

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 18:16:49

I've not seen that video, does she ceremonially burn her iron knick knacks ?

ike1 Wed 08-May-13 18:19:28

Maybe I should ask Mr Ruse if he is free on Sun instead of putting him off until the following weekend...and get a fanny wax this week....I am that hot to trot.... but that's not insouciance is it?

ike1 Wed 08-May-13 18:20:59

No Kin she totters around looking pissed with her make up smeared...shouting 'I need a maaaaaaan!' That's me on a Sat night...

ike1 Wed 08-May-13 18:22:54

.....maybe I just need valium instead.....

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 18:23:31

No, that's not insouciance but the fanny wants what the fanny wants, you can't reason with them.

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 18:24:18

(Valium's great stuff but hard to get these days)

ike1 Wed 08-May-13 18:26:59

hahaha oh bugger....and then I will get annoyed if he doesnt get back to me....better to play the long, boring game then....

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 18:36:02

Just ramp up the flirting, offer to caress his welding helmet

Snapespeare Wed 08-May-13 18:47:13

I was at a team event the other day and we had to true or false some statements. One was 'a female ferret on heat will DIE if she does not have sex' . It's apparently true.

frisky ferrets

Just sayin' hmm

OhWesternWind Wed 08-May-13 19:19:08

Just off out - won't be doing my ferret impression tonight ...

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 19:23:08

Out with Indie, OWW ?

OhWesternWind Wed 08-May-13 19:24:52

Yep! Meeting for drinks and possibly going to whup his ass at pool. Possibly not.

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 19:33:34

Whup his ass right up (make sure you have a good time)

Kin you can be good natured and allowed to ignore folk.

With seeing Dutch, it's been a lovely but very intense week so we've left it that we're both going to reflect a little and see if our heads as well as our genitals hearts are in the same place. Then, who knows. We both want the same things, the only potential issue which is a big one is the little matter of him planning to sail around the world for the next few years. I am open to it but the implications of it are huge and anyway the relationship has to be right first. I have more thinking to do than he does.
All being well (which it will be unless I've had my head turned by a hormone induced fog or he turns out to be the maintenance guy house sitting someone else's country house or similar) we will see each other after DS exams finish in a month. He will come here.

Snapespeare Wed 08-May-13 19:42:32

Be aware that leaning over the table to take a shot in a low cut top might expose your cleavage (was a total pool shark aged 17. Used to play pool against middle aged cockneys, winner stays on and is bought a Campari.)

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 19:49:38

Juliette I must say you sound far more level headed than I would in the same circumstances. For some reason I thought he was planning to sail around the world fairly imminently, if it's not for a couple of years then at least it gives you the time and space to see what would be right for you.

I am the first to admit that I'm a grade A fuckwit where Spud is concerned.

OWW hope Indie cheers you up tonight. Have fun!

I'm feeling a bit wobbly about last night. Me and me TD&H did 'the sex' (third date) and I'm worried about whether or not it will progress further. He hasn't been full of declarations of desire or want for me, in fact he's never really given me a compliment, I figured he was just a little awkward but now I'm wondering if perhaps he was just looking for a leg over... And now he's got it. Hmm. I'll feel better if I get a text from him later.

Kin it's imminent and is for several years. September would be the latest leaving time if he keeps to plan to catch the trade winds and that would mean me committing to the sailing part of it in the summer. That is a huge ask. We've talked about it and if every thing else is good then we'd have to find ways around it as no way would I be ready for the Atlantic by December as apart from the practical sailing aspects (need proper crew for that), DS will be in his first year at Uni. There are planes to the other side of the Atlantic though grin.

Dolly does he treat you well in other ways. Do you feel good when you're with him?

Kin level headed I'm not, I don't know where my head is at the moment confused

Juliette yes he is nice, we get on really well and he makes me feel really comfortable. I just got a feeling that last night he looked at the time, realised he had to leave soon and so made his move. As I was literally in the middle of saying something when he lunged blush
Anyway, your situation sounds immensely exciting if a little intense!

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 20:25:14

Ohhh, it's just me being a pesky landlubber or something Juliette. I find it really quite comforting that people's lives can take such a huge turn for the better in such a short time frame, and completely out of the blue.

Dolly, I'm sorry you're having a wobble, do you want a relationship with him or are you not that arsed ? Because if he's going to be a grudging tit, then he'll only get worse and you don't want him anyway.

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 20:26:26

Oh enjoy it Juliette, it's an amazing, life-enhancing feeling.

Kin I was quite excited at the thought of a relationship. And you're right, he's going to frustrate me with the lack of enthusiasm. <sigh>

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 20:38:14

Yeah but it has to be a relationship with the right kind of person Dolly otherwise you might as well be back with a wanky ex. It is shite though, especially if you really want to see the best in someone.

Yeah you're totally right. I'll keep an open mind but not put all my eggs in one basket I think. Thank you! smile

KinNora Wed 08-May-13 20:48:37

Is he from OD or RL ? Because if it's OD then there'll be plenty more where he came from.

Snapespeare Wed 08-May-13 20:50:48

juliette I am doing a little dance on your behalf.

OD but I'm not on there anymore.... May have to sign up again!!

Dolly 'a' relationship can be had very easily. The fact that it is a relationship does not make it good by itself, it's meant to add something to your life. You should feel good about being with him and not wondering whether you should have slept with him.

Kin I figure that we get on with enjoying it all for now, the rest will (sort of) take care of itself.

Snape I just remembered we actually danced, in the garden. He's a hologram isn't he... I can't quite believe it all happened.

48howdidthathappen Wed 08-May-13 21:23:35

A little late. Have fun tonight Oww and Toni smile

Juliette I don't believe in fairy tales. May have to re-think that. Fab stuff grin

Snape My daughter used to keep ferrets (we being proper country folk) I would of got one answer correct.

Left my mum tonight glued to Emmerdale. One of her favourites smile

Winefiend Wed 08-May-13 21:39:32

Juliette that is proper fairytale stuff, bloody marvellous grin

48 glad your mum is back and comfy smile

Just to lower the tone. I have had a text with the words 'horned up' in them this eve. Aaah man.

I am having a go at trying something I have not done before - I am doing the 'I don't sleep with someone until I know them well' thing. Usually I go with the flow.

The response I got was 'I respect that smile' which sent me on a knobhead rekated wobble as one of his 'issues' (of many) was that I 'didn't wait'. Urrrrrgh. How can someone you only knew for 6 weeks leave such an irritating fucking impact possibly because he hit some sort of a nerve I had not acknowledged or some shit

Winefiend Wed 08-May-13 21:42:04

Ooh and good luck daters for this eve!

Wine imo you can't know them well until you've slept with them.

48 I hope you Mum settles back in and it all goes well this time

Bant Wed 08-May-13 22:16:58

I seem to be chatting to someone too good to be true. A bit on the young side (28), stunning, interesting. Works near me here in Hungaria. She was one of my 'fire-and-forget' emails - send to the women possibly out of my league and never really expect to hear back.

And I did.

Let's see..

Scattylatte Wed 08-May-13 22:26:24

Evening all
juliette what an amazing time you have had and very grown up to boot. I have followed your thread for a long time and when you wrote from holland I thought yes,yes!
velvet fantastic news on your weight loss
dolly It's hard, the thick skin is needed.

hello to everyone else (blows an air kiss)

Toni2710 Wed 08-May-13 22:55:05

Evening all. Back from date with hot guy. He was even hotter in RL. Had been a bit worried he might not be very easy to talk to as he isn't great at texting, but was actually lovely. Also said he'd love to see me again, not sure if people just say that though, as I was with him he he said it and the lat two times it's been via text after !?!

Nice to hear of your mum watching her soaps 48.

Sounds promising Bant!!

Wine, good for you. Do love that you received that text tonight after today's talk however,

Winefiend Wed 08-May-13 23:01:03

Ooh Toni, goooood stuff grin

Juliette, that is a good point, I shall bear that in mind.

I'm kinda in Nora's boat with this one, I'm just not sure if I properly fancy (another word I hate, there we go!) him but I think hope he'd be fairly decent. I remembered earlier that he kissed the back of neck and my legs just went to absolute jelly.

Hmmmm. Maybe I'll just see him at the weekend and see what's what. But obvs no sex as I've now told him I am a well behaved, 'respectable' (bleh) woman grin

Winefiend Wed 08-May-13 23:01:48

The back of my neck that is, we didn't go swinging or owt.

OhWesternWind Wed 08-May-13 23:28:39

I have to take back what I said earlier. No intention at all of finishing stuff. He is just lovely. Done a lot of the important exes/politics/sexism/racism/ moral values stuff tonight - all very light and chatty but vital nonetheless and it all matches. And he is very sexy. He came back here for small c coffee but we have Plans for Sunday.

Snape I kept myself in beer and fags and the odd fiver until my early 20s playing pool. Pulled quite a bit that way too ...

Wine I've never 'waited', if I'm going to do it then don't see the point. <polishes Jezebel badge>

OWW so good to hear Indie will survive. He just sounds normal and normal is good.

Bant go get her smile

Toni that's a result then, oddly I've had men ask for a second date on the date, never by text so I think it just depends on the individual.

KirstyWirsty Thu 09-May-13 07:55:23

wine I waited with Mrcheeky but he was the first after my stbxh .. Haven't managed it since though (with Juliette and the badge ) usually 2nd date as first has been a lunchtime coffee

toni I've always had 2nd dates confirmed during the first .. In fact 15 mind into our hour long meet therockclimber said 'we're going to go out on Saturday aren't we?'

I've hidden my POF and okc profiles and deleted the apps and went on this morning to check if I had a message from a guy if promised to meet 'as friends' today (he doesn't know anyone in Glasgow and I felt sorry for him) and therockclimber has hidden his too ..

KirstyWirsty Thu 09-May-13 08:08:43

OWW glad he is lovely

Great news OWW Glad he's put a smile back on your face smile
Me TD&H not 'upped' the contact since Tuesday night but it's remained about the same. One text a day unless arranging a date. I do think he wants to carry on seeing me but I wish he'd make his feelings clear. Not in a heavy way just be nice to hear 'I dig you and want to see you again soon'

VelvetSpoon Thu 09-May-13 09:10:01

I tend to take anything said on first dates with a large pinch of salt now. Mine have always said they want to see me again during the date, even arranged it. And of course I've never seen any of them again, with the exception of C.

Dolly I tend to find the ones who are all 'I can't wait to see you' etc are usually bullshitters, its just a load of flannel. The fact he's still in contact means he wants to keep seeing you. I'd go more by what he does and how consistent he is than whether he is particularly effusive.

Toni2710 Thu 09-May-13 09:34:05

He's also text and were going to arrange something over the weekend smile I'm happy. I think this one has potential!

Dolly what Velvet said. It's easy with OD to think that the flannel is normal. Far better a man who means what he says, even if it's not all hearts and flowers. You should feel desired and valued when you're with him though.

Bant Thu 09-May-13 09:44:09

Oh I haven't texted Unnamed Hungarian Girl back yet after our date on Tuesday night. I know I could just leave it and she'd get the message but we did talk for four hours or so, it was nice, she just wasn't for me - so I think it's rude to leave her hanging on, which I get the impression she would be..


'Hi UHG, it was really good to meet you on Tuesday night, you were really interesting and great to talk to. And I learned lots about <something we talked about which made us both laugh a bit>. I didn't really feel a romantic 'spark' though, which was a shame as you seem like a great person. Good luck with everything in the future'

Is that okay? Not too patronising? English isn't her first language but she's pretty fluent. Should I drop the 'Good luck' bit, and if so, replace it with what?

If the date was obviously a no-go from both sides, if she didn't seem to be into me, then this would be a bit patronising, but I think she was. Cos I'm great smile

KirstyWirsty Thu 09-May-13 09:53:30

How about 'hope you find what you are looking for' instead of good luck bant?

mercury7 Thu 09-May-13 10:00:52

Agree with Kirsty, 'good luck' sort of evokes 'good luck (you're gonna need it!!) '

Bant maybe it's a female thing but I would cringe a little bit inside about being called 'interesting' which I have had several times. I would take that as the equivalent of men being called 'sweet' which kind of means nice but not shaggable. Otoh English is not her first language so she may not get any nuances so the direct approach is probably the way to go.

mercury7 Thu 09-May-13 10:05:38

...I'm still not sure I'd bother though.
after a date if I liked the bloke I'd text him within an hour of the end of the date to tell him I enjoyed meeting him & I'd like to get to know him better.

If I didnt like him I wouldnt contact him unless he contacted me, and then I'd send a 'sorry but no chemistry for me' reply.

Moanranger Thu 09-May-13 10:19:40

Update re Meet Up guy - we are working on a date - which, wait for it you're probably gonna laugh - will be birdwatching! He is actually an excellent birder, and my attitude is if nothing else, I will have improved my own birding skills.
I have only seen him in Meet Up group situations so no opportunity to talk one to one yet. I think this low key approach is the best, slowly, slowly esp given the recentness of my split.
He did mention having kids in his text, which is a good thing, I think as kids make you grow up a bit/shared experience kind of thing ( I have 2, 21 & 19)
I will keep you posted.

Bant Thu 09-May-13 10:57:49

Ok, I removed 'interesting' and changed 'good luck' to 'hope you find what you're looking for'. Sent.

I think Hungarian women are less forward than you, Mercury - from what I've seen they very much wait to be contacted, and I thought it's rude to send nothing as we did get on, she did talk about a potential future date during the evening (although I didn't indicate I'd like one) and she was a nice enough person I didn't like the idea of her sitting waiting for me to text/call her asking her for a second date. That's probably egotistical of me, but hey, you've got to have confidence in yourself when you're dating, right?

Bant that isn't egotistical of you, it's just the way it very probably is. I think it's a good thing to let her know, we've all sat around wondering why x hasn't called and if it wasn't for this thread, a lot of us still would be.

ike1 Thu 09-May-13 12:21:59

Mr Ruse is doing my head in already....I send him a message last night re a few potential date possibilities, so far he has visited my profile 3 times...but no reply....what is going on?

ike1 Thu 09-May-13 12:22:59

Grr now he has my interest and that is really fucking annoying.

Thank you Juliette and Velvet I hadn't thought of it like that. My exH was all heart on sleeve type, and look how that ended hmm

Scrazy Thu 09-May-13 12:30:07

I'd die a little inside if someone said 'no romantic spark' to me. But my ego can be quite big too. If I didn't fancy them I would reply, me too to that one.

I always wait for the guy to make contact with me afterwards and if he doesn't then all's well and I get the message. But that is just me.

ike1 Thu 09-May-13 12:37:36

Its a straight yes or no isnt it? He has said he wants to meet up and now he is just staring ...he's one of them bloody game players ffs!!

ike this is what I hate about OD!! Bloody frustrating!

Scrazy Thu 09-May-13 12:39:49

Ike, that's so maddening. I would leave it another day then write him off.

Ike stop looking. Who knows what's up with him, doesn't matter. Lots of men on okc do this, I have a collection of long time starers. Anyone who had asked for a date and then didn't sort it would get eliminated pretty quickly though.

ike1 Thu 09-May-13 12:43:59

Oh and I had another one last night...had favourited me, messaged me that he liked my profile I had replied 'thanks'. 2 weeks later he (last night) he strikes up an eager convo so we chat along...I asked him if he had been on any apparently not he is wary and women seem too 'eager'. I reminded him that we'd had a previous chat a few months ago when I did not have many pics up (he was very monosyllabic) he probs would not recognise me . Literally at that point he went off line. Eh??

ike1 Thu 09-May-13 12:45:09

Yeah Jule you are right....I cant be doing with it...ffs!!

ike1 Thu 09-May-13 12:49:54

In fairness he would have to travel to meet me but not a huge distance, and I did message him quite late, but if he can be bothered to stare then he can be bothered to respond. I think I will delete the profile that'll stop me checking.

VelvetSpoon Thu 09-May-13 12:57:41

Ike that's pretty annoying of him. Reminds me of one of the many things I hate about OD.

In non dating related news, I popped across the road at lunchtime to top up my oystercard. It is a very windy day. I am wearing an above the knee full cotton skirt, which is very light. You can probably see where this is going...have now displayed far more of myself to the locals than intended.


ike1 Thu 09-May-13 13:00:49

Yeah I think I am gonna write him off as a bullet dodged and maybe strike up a convo with some of the less 'exotic' looking types who keep messaging eagerly....yawn...

ike1 Thu 09-May-13 13:02:02

Velv think Marilyn Monroe as opposed to bloomer flashing...

OhWesternWind Thu 09-May-13 13:58:41

Juliette what's your head saying today? I hope, hope, hope you find some way of making this work. So incredibly romantic.

Toni sounds brilliant.

Dolly how are you feeling about things today? Could you suggest meeting up again and see how that goes?

Kirsty seems a bit more than fwb - glad it is going so well.

Moan it's sounding really good and having interests in common is a great place to start.

More sodding messages off Titto about him cutting payments more "when his new baby arrives". Am v confused. CSA can sort it all out for me. Texted his sister a few days ago and asked her to call - she hasn't, so I've asked my mum to phone his mum tomorrow. I know it's a bit convoluted but they always got on okay and she might be able to get a proper story.

This thing with Indie, quietly starting to hope that it might be a good one. Date five over at his on Sunday.

OWW I would get the story so you know what is going on (if that really is the truth) and then go back to no contact. Nothing whatsoever to be gained by it, except to disturb you.

How did you find out about the other two supposedly existing kids? it may be worthwhile doing your own research to be sure of the actual facts, although as you say the CSA can sort the question of how many kids he really does have. It does sound odd, if he already had two additional kids then your payments for your DC would have already reduced. It would be useful to know to work out what you need to do financially and tell your DC the facts but beyond that, there is nothing else you can do except keep him on the far side of fuck.

My head is trying not to think about it all, I miss him and I keep thinking he is in the other room or something. We spoke last night but he is away visiting his DS at Uni now until Sunday. Being the capable man he is, he had already sent me his diary as soon as he got back from the airport so we could co-ordinate our commitments for the next visit, bless. All without any pressure as he knows I need time to really think about whether the sailing thing is a possibility. This type of thing I really like, it makes life easy.

Ike you don't have to strike him out/block him whatever, just wait a bit and see if he sorts it. If he doesn't, you know for sure he is a dick.

Moan Good luck with meetup man. I like meetups too, not for dating but I do put my make up on grin

OhWesternWind Thu 09-May-13 15:49:39

Juliette I only know what he's texted my mum and it is very confusing. He can't contact me direct so it's all going via third parties which doesn't make it easy either. Makes me feel ill with worry.

I really hope that things work out with Dutch. I love his straightforward approach. Even if you don't sail, you could be his girl in every port (or some ports) maybe and meet up with him that way or do part-time flexi sailing? There will be a way!

OWW the fall back is the girl in the first port area and then onwards together for a while. He wants to share the entire experience with someone, including planning it but I've already said the first year I'm on standby for DS, plus I can't imagine not seeing DS every couple of months once at Uni. He gets that. The alternative is him delaying an entire year until the following November which seems daft. It would be easy for him to find fill in crew, lots of experienced people are keen to do it.

Once across the Atlantic, another big crossing wouldn't have to be for a long time (gulp) so we could sail together as the coast of somewhere would be only a few days away most of the time. btw there is nothing romantic about sailing boat toilets grin

hi guys, i have been directed over here from chat. i am looking to start dating, and i have no idea how to go about it. i have tried online dating before, but only on the free sites and seem to attract all the weirdo;s, men looking for one night stands, and for some bizarre reason, really short men. i need help please???????

KinNora Thu 09-May-13 19:07:30

Hello Cherry not sure I'm going to be a huge amount of help but I'll give it a go. First, do you want to use free or paid sites ? Some posters have had a lot of success with OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish, from my own experience Match and Guardian Soulmates are rubbish but others like them.
I think the way to go with a profile is write a reasonably short passage that reflects you, stands out from the crowd and avoids the clichés ( 'killer heels' 'sunsets' 'happy slobbing around on the sofa with a bottle of red and socialising with my vast numbers of friends').
I seem to remember someone saying have 3 photos, at least one full length. There'll be volunteers on here to look at your profile and make helpful suggestions if that's what you'd like.

Hi Cherry I'd suggest one of the ones you pay for if you keep attracting the dross smile I used Lovestruck, don't know what area you are in but it seems particularly good for London area.
Haven't heard from Mr TD&H today... Am now wondering if I'm really 'that into him' tbh.

48howdidthathappen Thu 09-May-13 19:29:58

My mum went into a Diabetic coma during the night/early morning. Back in hospital, condition stable.

Mr R&R is on his way over to offer support.

I want off this roller coaster.

KinNora Thu 09-May-13 19:33:29

Bloody hell, are you ok 48 ?

48howdidthathappen Thu 09-May-13 19:41:03

Have to be Kin

KinNora Thu 09-May-13 19:44:29

Had they diagnosed diabetes previously or was this out of the blue ?

Shit 48 I'm so sorry. Sending love.

48howdidthathappen Thu 09-May-13 19:50:21

Mum has been Diabetes for years. No idea why her levels dropped so low. I know she had food and her medication. I gave it to her last night.

ALittleStranger Thu 09-May-13 19:58:45

Bant maybe it's a female thing but I would cringe a little bit inside about being called 'interesting' which I have had several times. I would take that as the equivalent of men being called 'sweet' which kind of means nice but not shaggable.

Agh, I'm now counting the number of times I have been called "interesting" in RL and OD and banging my head against the table. The thing is I am interesting. I used to be v. shy when I was younger so I'm pleased now that I can meet up with a stranger and have a laugh and an interesting chat for a few hours. But god damn it it would be nice to be shaggable too. I swear the first man who follows up a date with "I thought you were a bit dim, but I can't stop thinking about what I want to do to you" is going to get seriously lucky.

Anyway, I don't think you should have sent the text Bant but that's just my opinion. Unless Hungarian mores are very different an unprompted "I don't fancy you" which is what that text amounts to is always going to sting.

Ike he sounds awful, a waste of key strokes.

V envy at the thread successes.

48 I'm so sorry, are you ok? Take all the support you can get, I wish your Mum well

KinNora Thu 09-May-13 19:59:59

That does sound unusual, 48, and I don't know enough about diabetes to suggest a reason for it ( but I can try to find out if you'd like me to - you do know that if there's ever anything I can do to help at all, you just need to say).

Have a big virtual hug, petal, until Mr R&R gets there with a real one one.

OhWesternWind Thu 09-May-13 20:07:42

Really sorry to hear that news 48. How's she doing now? Poor you and your poor mum.

Dolly well I think your thoughts might be turning the right way. Remember what you're worth and move lightly on.

Cherry I am a big fan of PoF, might be worth persevering. If you want some people on here to pimp your profile there are always volunteers. Good luck with it and keep posting.

Sorry 48, what a blow.

cherry, I've only had 3 dates, 2 nice ones from POF (with a second date this weekend with my favourite smile ) and 1 from Cupid (dull tosspot).

POF is more 'normal' than I thought it would be, you can set your inbox to only receive messages more than 50 characters (thus cutting out all the 'Hi Hunz, wanna play' shit. (Although plenty still get through that, just by putting 50 xxxx at the end). And just ignore those messages you are not interested in. Go for it, I very nearly didn't, and am so glad I did.

Dolly, sorry MrTDH hasn't turned out to be a goodun. Sod him, you know what you are worth, which is the best thing smile. Onwards and upwards and all that.

Juliette, have been thrilled to read your updates!

Hi to everyone else

A little I'm particularly sensitive to the 'interesting' as that is all I got for my first 18 months of OD. That and 'great company' hmm.

The most frequently asked question on MN Relationship threads about OD is 'Why hasn't he called/text/asked for second date. Even us hardened ODers on here still question it when we get vanishers, no one likes to be left hanging. If Hungary woman was new to OD or thought she had hit it off with Bant she may prefer to know and therefore move on swiftly.

ALittleStranger Thu 09-May-13 20:22:35

Fair enough, I suppose I just take silence after a first date (when the other dater hasn't made contact either) as a polite and often mutual shrug. Meeting up with someone is such a stab in the dark that it seems reasonable to me that people could decide it had all the meaning of chatting to someone at a party.

I've only had one unprompted "interesting but not thanks" message and I put that down to the fact that we were very likely to run into each other in real life.

it had all the meaning of chatting to someone at a party.

This, perfectly sums up OD yet most of us relentlessly keep going in the hope of more grin

ALittleStranger Thu 09-May-13 20:29:21

Ahh, but that's because sometimes, just sometimes...

i am struggling with writing an interesting profile.

yes, help with pimping profile would be great

ALittleStranger Thu 09-May-13 20:40:18

To prove my meaningless point I've just tried to recall all the dates I've been on in the past six months. I had to go back to texts but I think there have been about 26 men, maybe a couple more that I didn't have any texts from and have totally forgotten. I am struggling to remember most of their names.

Incidentally of those I've had about three or four second dates.

I've probably only fancied three of them. And one of those was clearly a knob.

Unfortunately the second dates and fancying three are not the same.

Repeats to self it's a numbers game, it's a numbers game.

KinNora Thu 09-May-13 20:41:09

I think Ike has been known to copy and paste bits of profiles she likes

OhWesternWind Thu 09-May-13 20:46:13

Cherry it will all depend on what you're looking for - casual, dating, long term so you might use different words and photos for each. I'm looking for a long term thing (eventually) so pics are attractive (for me anyway) but not sexy, no cleavage or short skirts, my profile is something I wouldn't be embarrassed if my mum read it, no references to fun but hopefully a little bit witty and funny. And imagine the type of person you're looking for and write with that in mind. Someone on here recommended putting something in that gives people an easy thing to respond to and I think that can work well.

You don't have to write reams though, just a few sentences.

Sorry this is probably rubbish as I've only done this twice and both times ended up just writing some old crap because I found it so difficult! Good luck.

KinNora Thu 09-May-13 20:52:47

OWW is right, my cleavage is purposely cropped out of my photos and I've had more messages mentioning my 'I like men who can spell' comment than anything else.

i am looking for long term too, ooooh men who can spell, now thats a thing to look for.

i only have 2 photo's, both awful as i dont like having my picture taken

Snapespeare Thu 09-May-13 20:54:38

48 sending love and strength.

ALittleStranger Thu 09-May-13 20:57:44

You have to have a photo I'm afraid cherry. Would you contact a blank face?

i have got photo's on there, but they are not really good ones. one is 5 years old, and the other was taken last year to show off my new haircut to a mate. i will get some taken though

Good photos do not just happen unless you are a) in your 20s or b) particularly photogenic or c) a supermodel. Otherwise you have to take a lot to get a reasonable one.

KirstyWirsty Thu 09-May-13 21:09:06

48 sorry to hear about your mum!!

cherry I was on POF and okcupid .. I prefer POF .. I don't respond to the 'how's you' brigade and said so on my profile .. I did say I'd only respond to interesting messages men I fancied

exactly Juliette, and i sadly am none of those things. i am also struggling with how to make myself sound interesting.

ALittleStranger Thu 09-May-13 21:19:38

What do you find interesting? It's just about painting a picture of who you are and what you enjoy doing and avoiding cliches in the process. If people don't find that interesting then they are not for you anyway.

well i am not sure. i have been single for a long time and have no idea what i am looking for. i just dont have the first clue where to start.

OhWesternWind Thu 09-May-13 21:31:03

Cherry if you pm me I'll tell you my user name on PoF then you can look at my profile. It's crap but it's worked fine! You can copy any of it that you want to but I won't be offended if you think it's crap! Can't pm new people from my phone for some reason.

You can also look at profiles on PoF without logging in so maybe have a look at some other women's profiles and see what you like/don't like.

VelvetSpoon Thu 09-May-13 21:33:25

I don't think it matters much what you say in your profile tbh. Don't be negative, or go on any kind of rant about anything. I said I liked men who could spell and use proper grammar - am still waiting for a grammatically correct msg on POF. Ultimtately it goes on photos more than anything. I'd say of all the many messages I've had and dates I've been on maybe 5% had read or paid attention to my profile....

48 thinking of you and your mum.

Cherry think of something that you feel passionate about, something that makes you smile. Just start it, you can always spruce it up later smile

here is what i have written:

I am looking for my prince charming, someone who will love me without condition, for who I am and without trying to change me. My life can be hectic as i have a young family and pets, but it can also be fantastic fun. I am not looking for casual sex or a one night stand, so if thats what you want, please move along.
I have a huge passion for life, and am ever the eternal optimist, if there is something good to be seen in a situation or person, I will be the one to see it, so give me a call if you want a happy girl, who loves life and wants to be loved.
I have great legs, long nails, and a wicked sense of humour, so come and have a chat, see if we get along.

I have very varied taste in music, I can listen to most from Beethoven to Prodigy, but am not a huge fan of proper mosh pit heavy metal.
I am not your typical girlie girl, I am just as comfortable in jeans and wellies on a muddy farm as I am in a pretty dress and going to the theatre, if you're looking for a barbie doll, keep moving mate as she is not here.

Also, qualities I am looking for in a man include being able to spell, hold an intelligent conversation and patience. Any man who wants to date me will need to be caring, kind, patient (as I am not looking to rush into a massive relationship), funny and fun, fairly confident as I am a confident woman, good with children and animals, and mothers.

OhWesternWind Thu 09-May-13 22:09:16

You sound lovely Cherry.

thank you, i like to think so smile

KirstyWirsty Thu 09-May-13 22:32:02

I think so too cherry .. I would mention all the 'move along ' topics at once rather than saying it twice and I would take out the Prince Charming comment as you will end up with all the control freaks who want to treat you like a princess but other than that it is great

problem is if i take out too much there wont be much left

Scrazy Thu 09-May-13 22:40:22

Kirsty has given good advice there Cherry. Don't ask for prince charming, you are obviously not a damsel in distress don't need that type of guy.

The rest is fine but no need to repeat the move on.

I would second Velvet also, you need a nice picture, nothing too revealing, just a smiley one and maybe a full length one showing you doing something in muddy wellies.

ok, thank you

is this better?

I am not your typical girlie girl, I am just as comfortable in jeans and wellies on a muddy farm as I am in a pretty dress and going to the theatre, if you're looking for a barbie doll, keep moving mate as she is not here. My life can be hectic as i have a young family and pets, but it can also be fantastic fun. I am not looking for casual sex or a one night stand.
I have a huge passion for life, and am ever the eternal optimist, if there is something good to be seen in a situation or person, I will be the one to see it, so give me a call if you want a happy girl, who loves life and wants to be loved.
I have great legs, long nails, and a wicked sense of humour, so come and have a chat, see if we get along.

I have very varied taste in music, I can listen to most from Beethoven to Prodigy, but am not a huge fan of proper mosh pit heavy metal.

Also, qualities I am looking for in a man include being able to spell, hold an intelligent conversation and patience. Any man who wants to date me will need to be caring, kind, patient (as I am not looking to rush into a massive relationship), funny, fairly confident as I am a confident woman, good with animals and easy to talk to.

ALittleStranger Thu 09-May-13 22:57:43

I think that's much better. I'm still not sure about stipulating you're not looking for casual sex, but I haven't used POF so maybe it's required!

Scrazy Thu 09-May-13 23:01:24

Cherry, not sure about the barbie girl comment, tbh. I know what you mean but it might be slightly self depreciating. They can tell from your photo's how you look.

ok, have removed the barbie doll comment. i was on the site before for a little while but didnt take the time to write a bio, i got hundreds (literally) hundreds of men wanting one night stands, webcam sex etc

VelvetSpoon Thu 09-May-13 23:04:30

I am horribly cynical about it all, but I wouldn't bother saying the casual sex bit. The sort of men who are looking for casual sex most of the ones who OD will assume you're up for it simply because you're on a dating site, irrespective of whether you say you're looking for a serious relationship, or just to date. Hence the amount of men who feel entitled to send (unrequested) cock shots.

But as someone told me the other day, I'm just bitter that I can't get a man, so feel free to ignore me!

ike1 Thu 09-May-13 23:06:43

That's much better Cherry...yeah the punters like the cut n paste one I use for POF ....not surprising really cos I liked it from the lady that created it on OKC. Mr Ruse got back to me ...he is happy to meet on Sunday. Well I have had 2 e-mails in total off him so I know nothing about him really ...this could be interesting. Last nigh's disappearer is back with apologies I think he is very nervous..ok for goodness sakes....

i want to take thing really slowly with anyone that i speak to on there, i have been hurt badly and dont really know how to have a proper relationship. how can i explain this to a man i have never met, only spoken to a few times?

KirstyWirsty Thu 09-May-13 23:29:41

cherry I wouldn't explain anything .. See whether you like them enough to see them .. You are the prize not them .. There are plenty of blokes on OD

Flipper924 Thu 09-May-13 23:47:18

Evening all!

Cherry, welcome! I agree with Kirsty, you don't need to say anything. You do need to be clear on where your boundaries are, and take things as slowly pr as quickly as you feel confortable with. If things feel a bit fast, slow down. Keep those boundaries in place, if that's what makes you comfortable.

48, hugs. Hope she's better soon. Infection?

Juliette, welcome home, lots of thinking to do?

<quick bedtime wave to rest of thread>

Moanranger Thu 09-May-13 23:47:57

So tonight I saw Meet Up guy at pub quiz thingy. The advantage here is you can see them interact in RL which is a huge advantage over OD. He is growing on me - ah, the ruined beauty of the middle aged man, trying to imagine them at their best, past the spotty skin, the receding hair line, the wrinkles. He is cheerful, smiley, a bit impish.
Still struggling to organise date due to both of us having busy lives. Showed me photos of his DS, much middle class discussion of school, bragging on kids, which is NOT conducive to flirty conversation, despite me dressing -somewhat - like sex on a stick & practicing seductive posture, hair tossing, looks from under eyelashes, etc. Yikes, how did I get here at this time of my life? Oh, we'll, we are where we are... The ball is in his court, he is to contact me with some dates. I'm a Rules girl. Cautiously optimistic - time, time.

ike1 Thu 09-May-13 23:48:23

hmmm I am fast coming to the conclusion that with OD meet em quickly if you like the pics and they seem ok...because wasting time 'chatting' and building up fantasies can lead to disappointment. But I totally get what you are saying if you have been hurt Cherry.

WarmFuzzyFun Fri 10-May-13 06:20:03

Morning All.

I am fine, tired (tears, like April showers have ceased as inexplicably as they started), shifts have changed again, in my favour for once, well I guess it had to happen eh?

Hi to all <waves>

KirstyWirsty Fri 10-May-13 07:34:49

That's good newsWFF

Happy Friday everyone

48howdidthathappen Fri 10-May-13 07:44:59

Mum is improving smile Thankyou for your support.

Now know the cause. The hospital had been giving mum a higher dose of insulin than she had had prior to her stroke. Her partner went to pick up insulin from their GPs surgery when mum returned home as the hospital had only sent one dose and no needle. The surgery gave out her old lower dose.

This happened the last time mum returned home, but we didn't know about the change in dosage. Why didn't the hospital inform her GP about the change? Or anybody?

Questions are being asked.

Toni2710 Fri 10-May-13 07:52:58

Morning all.

Glad you're ok wff! Ike, that's what I'm thinking about at the min. What do people look for in online dating. My current method is this:
1) await messages (I never send)
2) check message has decent content, if not - delete, if it does, check profile, if compatible ill reply
3) exchange messages maybe over a week or so at least, see if we seem to click, see if im asked on a date, and if I feel we have clicked, potentially agree.

Is this what other people do? Not sure if I should talk to them more or less before the date. I don't want to build up an incorrect image of someone in my head by talking too much, but at the same time sont want to waste an evening on a date if we aren't really compatible. Aargh.

Also, how important are looks, height, style etc to you?

Had such a crap day yest so haven't caught up properly on thread. Dog was really poorly and needed an emergency op, ok now though, and found out ex is in new relationship (which is approaching the 4 week since first date mark) and apparently they 'love' each other. How is that even possible? And they're both 30 with kids, not kids themselves. And he's having lots of sex. Why does te cheater always get the happy ending first (this isn't the woman he cheated with) aaargh!!

48 good to hear your Mum is improving, good you know the cause but very worrying that the hospital didn't pass that information to the GP.

Cherry I used to take things slowly pre date, then I realised that I could spend an awful lot of time mailing, texting whatever and it would often all end in nothing as they would vanish, or cancel the date at the last minute. There are a lot of men who have no intention of meeting because they are not available for various reasons, just want an ego boost or are wierdos. Even when you know this it can still dent your confidence. So now I see if they suggest meeting fairly quickly after a few exchanges, if not I stop bothering. Nothing wrong with having a good random flirt to get your own confidence up, but rule no 3 (?) Do not invest too much before meeting smile

Toni the cheater hasn't got the happy ending, he's attached himself to the first convenient woman in the street.

OhWesternWind Fri 10-May-13 10:41:17

Toni I am feeling just the same as you - horrible, horrible ex, cheater, liar, violent etc etc is now all loved up, either got or getting married, poss a child already and another on the way (very confused as can't get proper information) and I feel like the stuffing has been knocked out of me. Here I am farting about with OD, coping with a full-time job and two children 24/7, huge financial problems, difficulty getting babysitters and having some kind of social life, and there he is happily moved on with his new replacement family. Makes me sick. Sorry, that is a bit of a rant but I am finding life hard at the moment and this is just the icing on the cake.

Snapespeare Fri 10-May-13 10:47:49

Cherry hello! I hope you don't mind, I've done a wee edit and shift around - I thought your original profile really got your personality across, but was a tiny bit repetitive in places and a bit too long - I think you want to (para 1) show what you're offering and what you're like (2) continue on that theme, mention the kids in passing and yes, good to mention that the casual people shouldn't bother (para 3) say what you would like from a chap.

"I have a huge passion for life, and am ever the eternal optimist, if there is something good to be seen in a situation or person, I will be the one to see it. I have great legs, long nails, and a wicked sense of humour. If you want a happy girl, who loves life and wants to be loved, then why not send me a message and see if we get along?

I am not a typical girlie girl, I am just as comfortable in jeans and wellies on a muddy farm as I am in a pretty dress and going to the theatre. My life can be hectic as I have a young family and pets, but it can also be fantastic fun. I am not looking for casual sex or a one night stand.

Qualities I am looking for in a man include being able to spell, hold an intelligent conversation and patience. Any man who wants to date me will need to be caring, kind, patient (as I am not looking to rush into a massive relationship), funny, fairly confident as I am a confident woman, good with animals and easy to talk to."

I'll catch up with the rest of you later…

OWW I'm not surprised you are pissed off, juggling the whole show is draining at the best of times. I fully understand that feeling of all being settled and another hand grenade is thrown into your life.

Turning this around though, you have made a good life for yourself, your lovely DC are safe and secure thanks to you, you have the good job and are very successful at it. You are now
dating a range of men to decide if any of them are good enough to be in your life.

What Titto does in terms of life 'choices' is irrelevant except for the finances, he is scum and whatever he does cannot possibly be compared to your life. Having said that, would it be possible to re-arrange some things so that you base your lives around just your income as a contingency so that you would be able view anything due from scumbag as an 'extra' (bearing in mind that he will have to pay something)? It isn't an extra of course, but it might help reframe the impact of his thrashing about as less damaging.

Cherry what Snape said, your personality and what you want will come across in a light, positive way.

OhWesternWind Fri 10-May-13 12:16:24

Juliette thank you so much for that. Really. I think the problem is I've just had an awful lot to cope with in the last couple of months - LM, the big do with my mum, my old cat being put down and now this with Titto and the money and his blooming mum and sister is just the last straw. I know we'll be okay but it is just a bad time at the moment.

I know he will be gloating about "getting one over on me" financially rather than thinking on the impact this will have on the children.

I'm actually devastated for the children. He was violent and emotionally abusive towards them, really foul, has had no contact with them for over two years - how the hell are they going to feel when I tell them he has another baby? Old kids are a dead loss so try again with another one (or two). My dd in particular will take this really hard I know. Am considering not telling them but that would be so dishonest and it would all come out at some point.

OhWesternWind Fri 10-May-13 12:19:47

Actually, he really dislikes children, even though he pretends otherwise, or at least the inconvenience that comes along with having them. So I don't think that his life is actually very rosy at all at the moment even though I'm sure he's pretending it is. He will be getting disturbed sleep, no sex, money worries, less time to himself, probably his wife will be making him pull his socks up over chores etc etc - hahaha. Or he will be doing what he did with us and basically living the life of a single man within a family. Twat.

Twat indeed, and the key to this is to remember he can't hold a candle to you and remind yourself over and over how much better you are doing in reality because you really are grin

Snapespeare Fri 10-May-13 13:32:40

OWW bless you - the point there is that you tell your kids that their Dad doesnt see them because he is a fucking selfish emotionally stunted idiot who can't cope with children finds it too painful to say goodbye and that he is having another child because your DCs are SO amazing that he wants to try again. You don't know if they will meet their new baby brotheror sister, because it isn't up to you - the baby has a different mum and we need to consider her perspective as well, but if they want to meet the baby, you will ask their dad if it's ok.

clearly this is horse-shit, but the lies we tell children are there to protect them while they are young. when they're older they'll form their own opinions.

It is terrible - just to go on and have more children with no thought of the financial or emotional repercussions of his actions. My ex had two subsequent 'second' families, there was no discussion, it was obviously presented as a fait accompli and no thought was given to the subsequent effect. I agree that any £ from him is seen as a bonus and have cut my cloth very carefully over the last 12 years. Things have been piling up a bit for you though lovely, so do hope you're ok - you'll get through it. smile

OhWesternWind Fri 10-May-13 13:42:33

Thanks Snape - no chance of them meeting him/baby as he is not allowed to have contact even indirect contact with any of us. They know he doesn't see them because he's not allowed to, they were involved in giving video evidence etc so know about the court cases and things and the outline of what happened there. Sorry, it's not a normal situation in which case what you say above would be brilliant. They know he hurt them mentally and physically and pretty rationally equate that with not loving them, and now here he is with Family Number Two.

Can't really come up with anything at all to explain or justify this to them. They already have the measure of this bastard, though, but it will still hurt them enormously, another blow for them and they have both been so brave and strong coping with all this crap over the last couple of years.

Sorry you have been here too. These men are just crap.

OhWesternWind Fri 10-May-13 15:59:56

Right, enough of the crap. Can't change any if it so that's enough time spent being miserable and low.

Dithering about Indie again. He's been quiet today, and has been online this week too, feeling some odd vibes here. Probably giving off a few of my own though. Really unsure about what to do here.

Think I might carry on looking ...

KirstyWirsty Fri 10-May-13 16:41:29

OWW that was a bit like Kiltykilty .. And it just put me off

You've waivered before though and then decided he is lovely have you not?

OWW that's how I feel about Mr TD&H. No texts since weds lunchtime and he's been online every day. Hmmm.

OhWesternWind Fri 10-May-13 17:14:38

Think I'm a bit of a waverer in general - but I have the feeling that I shouldn't/wouldn't be wavering if I'd met the right person ...

Appear to have set up a date for next week with someone else as well. Unsure whether or not to cancel Sunday with indie. Will see what happens tonight.

Winefiend Fri 10-May-13 17:45:23

I'm with you on the wavering front OWW. I can't help but wonder if I was overly keen I'd be more stressy about texts from Sunday's date (Mr Basketball). He has text every day this week, initiated by him (except last night as I thought I'd make the effort) but I'm just not stressing about it which is unusual. I also know he was online a fair bit at the start of the week, which doesn't bother me. Can't work out if this is because I know he does actually really like me (he is very complimentary but not OTT) or I'm not arsed.

With knobhead (aka young un) and the gimpy workaholic I dated last year, I was eager to hear from them and never quite sure how much of a shit they gave (in hindsight, both quite a fair bit but both massively fucked up with severe mummy/attachment issues). Wondering if this might be more because of their emotional unavailability poss because I am the same at the mo and also because it keeps me on my toes

Can you tell I spent last night pondering this instead of doing uni work? grin lets miss out the part where I have concluded knobhead has borderline personality disorder

WarmFuzzyFun Fri 10-May-13 18:07:19

How do you feel when you do hear from them or meet up with them?

Any fluttery tummy feelings/warm glow type feelings?

Very easy to mistake anxiety/wariness for fluttery butterflies. Same with drama for passion, especially if that is what you are used to.

thank you muchly. i have changed it, and will try to be a little quicker in meeting up smile

WarmFuzzyFun Fri 10-May-13 18:18:03

Leaping fanjo? grin

(unrelated FYI: just got in from work, had phone call telling me I've worked the wrong shiftangry, you couldn't make it up could you?)

WarmFuzzyFun Fri 10-May-13 18:19:58

You may be right Jules. Bet you had more than a warm glow wink

OhWesternWind Fri 10-May-13 18:22:10

Well WFF I just don't feel very excited about it at the moment. Think something is going on with him as I've only had one message today, replied but no response which has never happened before. He always texts to and fro in the day. Don't know that I am really bothered apart from a blow to my pride. He is a lovely man in many ways but I'm not at all sure he is the one for me.

Not all that excited about the other one so far but will see what happens when we meet ...

WarmFuzzyFun Fri 10-May-13 18:28:05

<Rule 4>
Might be time to drum up other interested parties.

Hissy Fri 10-May-13 18:42:16

FFS, why do people have to be so fucking rude?

Got a message today, from a KentGuy (although perhaps with hindsight he spelt that wrong)

You put me in your favourites, please remove me from them.

WTAF? Who DOES that? Who IS that fecking rude? shock

I was tempted to reply...

"No probs, job done, now if you could kindly let me know which folder you would prefer to be filed in 'Rude Prick' or 'Disingenuous (LOOK IT UP) Twat'?"

WarmFuzzyFun Fri 10-May-13 18:47:31

What a angry?
Hissy I would message back what you said then block ignore delete.

Saves you time though.

mercury7 Fri 10-May-13 18:49:55

nah, just ignore him, that'll piss him off even more grin

OhWesternWind Fri 10-May-13 18:50:12

What??! How incredibly rude Hissy. Excellent reply though, hope you sent it.

Hissy Fri 10-May-13 19:01:03

I have not removed him from anything. In fact if I see the TWAT again, I'll favourite the fucker again. Let him get a restraining order.

It was ManofKent2

Clearly ManofKent1 was happily snapped up leaving only the dregs left hmm wink

Am nowhere near Gillingham, so WTF do I care?.... he was never going to be lucky enough to go out with me anyway.

Pisses me off, a week or so ago I was going out with a 'nice bloke', now I have to come into contact with these kind of wankers?

Winefiend Fri 10-May-13 19:02:43

WFF hmmm well as the week has progressed I do smile when I receive a text but not to the same extent as with previous men twats. This may be because of the drama thing Juliette has mentioned, hadn't considered that actually. Plus he does seem very issue free, which is quite a novelty for me.

Hissy what an absolute fucking cock of the highest order. Ignoring would annoy him but sadly I'd be tempted to give him a piece of my mind. Knob.

OWW Maybe he isn't sure that you're that 'into' him so is hedging his bets? Could be a possibility. I often wonder this myself as I'm not an OTT showering folk with compliments type of person.

WFF strange, I saw him before I got out into arrivals and already had the grin. Then came the kiss, cue being wrapped around each other for a week.

But, grinning may come before a fall I think it's a Crash Carp on standby situation. We didn't communicate yesterday (expected) and although I sent him an email lunctime he hasn't replied. Not even a text. Ok, he's in a different city, no smart phone but he is with his DS who is a techie and I'm sure he'll have taken his laptop. I now have a niggling doubt that I've been had, that he was in fact Fritzel's apprentice who realised that I would be missed.

Hissy was this on POF? motorcycle man with no picture? I will favourite him.

WarmFuzzyFun Fri 10-May-13 19:12:04

Jules NOOOooooooooooo! It will be okay, we (the dating thread) need you and our sailing dutchman to work out. The wrath of OD thread will be upon him if he thinks he can mess with our Jules...No.

He is probably being a good Dad, and reliving in his mind times spend with you during quieter moments. Bet I'm right.

Hissy Fri 10-May-13 19:14:47

No, on

Wouldn't mind, but i'm fecking gawgus--in the skillfully/flookily taken picture--

Scrazy Fri 10-May-13 19:20:34

Juliette, I hope he gets in touch soon.

I have followed your story and thought your week sounded fabulous. Was going to say that even though DS will be going to uni in September, they are home a lot and can see that you acknowledged this whilst pondering sailing away. My one and only started uni last year and still needs me here for the holidays, they aren't away much. Must admit though I get so lonely when she is away, it was a novelty, at first, but I sometimes hate it now. If I get chance to change things in the future, even if it puts DD's nose out of joint, I know I am ready to live my own life, given half the chance.

I thought you could remove yourself from someone who had favourited you on POF. What a horrible dick, Hissy.

Hissy Fri 10-May-13 19:21:54

Actually it was not MoK2, it was 248.... so 247 were better than him!


Scrazy Fri 10-May-13 19:22:24

Cross post, I didn't realise dating direct still existed.

Hissy he's a bit 'I will chose you out of a cast of thousands' and I don't like wacky sunglasses, there is no excuse for it. I've favourited him grin

Scazy that is what I kind of figured. I want to be available to DS if he needs me and there is no one else anyway. His friends already there come back at least twice during each term, then again for the holidays. Mind you, if he continues to speak to me like he just did, I'll change the locks hmm

WFF I hope you are right, he was looking forward to going as it was a special event for parents with a lot of activities laid on so I'm not going to start thinking he has realised he is not that into me in the cold light of day.

Scrazy Fri 10-May-13 19:42:20

Juliette, mines a long way from home but has managed to get back at least every 5 weeks, this is the longest spell away which will be 7 weeks and we are meeting part way to fly off on holiday at the end of this term then almost 4 months home. Which is good, in a way grin

Hissy Fri 10-May-13 19:45:21

Juliette LOVE it!

When I clicked on yes, it was the best of a shite bunch, and he does have the whiff of TWAT about him, which is why I never bothered doing anything about contact.

Not that I end up sending messages anyway....

OhWesternWind Fri 10-May-13 19:55:40

Juliette it will all be okay! Bet you hear from him this evening.

Wine see I've not had any compliments at all off Indie. I would like some but you can't really ask can you. I've said some nice things, nothing ott but along the lines of you look nice, like your shirt, positive comments about his house and cooking and stuff but he's not said anything at all back. Hmm, hadn't really realised that before. I know it doesn't mean a lot, but it's just pleasant to hear that kind of thing, isn't it?

Hissy Fri 10-May-13 19:57:27

Juliette, relax, it will be OK. Don't panic. no point.

TigsytheTiger Fri 10-May-13 19:57:29

Evening all, sorry to gate crash in with a woe is me story, but I feel a bit side swiped this evening.

Lots of stuff from the last year dredging up, it was about now that I started to suspect something was amiss with STBXH, so lots of memories flooding back, have also just found out that despite not paying our mortgage because he can't afford it, he is actually on holiday with the OW this week, sunning himself overseas. It is also my daughters 13th birthday tomorrow but she is at her Dad's (who is not STBXH) until late afternoon, so won't get to wake up with her here and do all the Birthday stuff first thing.

But all compounded by a phone call I had with my friend, one of my oldest bestest friends yesterday. Get this, she met this guy online in about September last year. She has been divorced 5 years, 2 kids early teens, ex husband was a cheating shit, she has dated over those 5 years and is a lovely person, head screwed on, doesn't take any shit, says it how it is and has a great sense of humour. So she meets this guy, starts dating and he is fabulous. To cut a long story short, they talk about getting married, they book a holiday together for this summer, they look at buying a house. He goes away with work for 3 weeks and starts getting a bit flaky with excuses for coming back, he has to stay over the weekends to get the job done etc.

she starts to get a bit suspicious and does some investigating and discovers he is married, a fully paid up married man with a wife and 2 kids at home who have no idea that he has been leading this double life, he spent five solid weeks living with my friend and her kids and told his wife he was working away.

Where do people like this get off? It just shows how you can never truly know someone, she is astute, bright and was completely and utterly fooled.

It just makes me a bit tearful because after my cheating bastard ex, I have huge trust issues and I just think, Wow! if it can happen to her it can happen to anyone.

Hissy Fri 10-May-13 19:59:26

Your poor friend, and poor you, that must really make you remember the betrayal you suffered.

wine <- the only solution.

((((hug)))) <- aside from this one.

OhWesternWind Fri 10-May-13 20:05:13

Tigsy that bloke is unbelievable. Your poor, poor friend. I known how you feel as things like this raise all the skeletons from the past to dance around inside your head. But you know MrEA isn't like that at all.

Happy birthday to your dd! Have you got something nice planned for later with her?

TigsytheTiger Fri 10-May-13 20:06:44

thank you Hissy trying to stay away from wine tonight! any long time reader of this thread may remember before my name change that booze and me in fragile emotional state are not a good combination! Mr EA is working till late tonight, was last night and is tomorrow night, I have absolutely no reason to doubt him at all, but I'm going into self preservation mode, because you just never know, do you?

TigsytheTiger Fri 10-May-13 20:11:18

Yes OWW, well nice for her, that is, five thirteen year old girls for a sleepover, with pizza and ice cream!