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Is this acceptable behaviour or am i just not cool enough:(

(111 Posts)
Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 07:47:16

My partner of four years and i have been happy for most of that time. He's the love of my life and ive worked at things with him more than i did in my previous relationship. We have had a difficult time this last twelve months unemployment financial difficulties few opportunities or funds for social life and very little family support from either side.
I am a person who likes to sort things out talk so as to make things better he is a person who needs space and distance in which to sort things out. Its hard to adapt to but i try. Not always easy though.
Trouble is over the last 9 months he has left the house a few times its always been his way but hes used to come back after visiting his brother or walking around for a while. Now he goes to his ex partners house to see his son. I have no problem with that he loves his son i would never stand in the way of his relationship with him.
However his ex partner who goes through phases of letting her son stay at our house or saying my partner must see his son at her house so i understand why he goes there.
Would anyone else be happy though if their partner stayed overnight (in their sons double bed) and occassionally had drinks with their ex partner while there?
I trust he hasnt cheated but its the intimacy of the drinking laughing the communication they will have. Its very obvious to me he respects her alot, he makes effort to be chatty and upbeat,I sound like im so insecure but they have a history a son, and not long after our first year together he text her and asked if there was a chance for them. He told me i told him he owes it to himself to try if he feels theres unfinished business. I want him to be happy im not so selfish that id want him to be with me if he wasnt happy. She didnt give him an answer just demanded he grew a pair and did right by her and her son No i love you, please come home nothing. This went on for months but he stayed with me. Then one day she asked him he said no he loved me. I truely believe he does love me. He doesnt really have many other places to go nor do i.
Ive asked that when he goes to her house that once his son is asleep he comes home to me as once hes asleep why would he want to be there ?
He agrees for a while then starts to stay over again.his ex has told me she doesnt love him but loves him as her sons dad and has admitted she likes the company now and again. He went friday after a row( it was me who was at fault ) but none the less i appologised it was sincere. Hes still there. Has been since friday afternoon. Hardly any communication. He's done it so many times this last few months even rings her and holds up the phone when we have disagreements. Its not that hes there so much as the no communication from him when he knows how upset it makes me. When he doesnt communicate i have to admit it infuriates me and although i dont show that in my communications to him i do text him quite a lot purely to evoke a response and only when hes there for nights at a time.
He says im paranoid but he does continuously go there and i am ignored when that happens. He says i need to cool about it. Im too controlling.?. I dont think that. i think she is the controlling one making him have to see his son at her house. Also i wouldnt sleep over or have drinks with my ex A because i wouldnt to but mainly out of respect for my partner and his feelings. Am i wrong in my opinion should i chill out? Please advise thanks. I havent posted anything like this before im Not even sure i should have feel a bit niave but want to respect his needs and those of his son, want to show trust in these actions but not be taken for a fool if you get my drift. Thanks everyone.

joblot Mon 06-May-13 07:55:19

I wouldn't be ok with it. He still had feelings for her and wanted to reunite not that long ago. Sounds as if he's keeping his options open. Sounds extremely disrespectful of you. And quite possibly he's lying about what they get up to. I think if you believe it's unacceptable and you wouldn't do it then he has a different moral code to you and you're heading for trouble

WhereMyMilk Mon 06-May-13 07:55:54

Sorry this is your situation, but I think you know the answer.

He isn't over her. Doesn't care enough about you or your feelings. He has no respect.

It's time to finish this so you can get on with your life.

Dozer Mon 06-May-13 08:00:48

No, of course it is not OK for him to go round to his ex's whenever you have a row!

How old is his son? If not tiny, then the access arrangements are odd and your partner could seek advice about changing them.

Why did you stay with him when, a year into your relationship, he tried to get back with his ex over a period of months? And since then has done all this kind of crap and accused you of being controlling and paranoid!

You say that you have worked hard at the relationship. Has/does he? It doesn't sound like it. He sounds selfish and uncaring towards you, and quite possibly cheating, even if not physically then emotionally.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 06-May-13 08:03:48

If it was some other woman he was spending consecutive nights with, would you even be asking this question? Of course it's not OK.

ThereGoesTheYear Mon 06-May-13 08:08:27

He calls her and holds up the phone when you two have a disagreement shock
This isn't about seeing his son (or else why not come home when the son is asleep) but about connecting in some way with his ex. Whether he is hoping to get back together or just having a moan about you, this isn't appropriate.
How would he feel if you stayed over st your ex's house whenever you had an argument?

thepixiefrog Mon 06-May-13 08:08:31

Hi OP, I really think he's taking the piss. He doesn't respect you at all. If he did he would take your concerns seriously and be sensitive to your feelings, especially since in the past he has asked to get back with her.

I really don't think that your relationship is a healthy one, and won't be until you stop tolerating such twattish behaviour from him. Why did you let him stay with you knowing that he was waiting for the green light from her?

He has been there all weekend? They are most definitely sleeping together, I'll eat my hat if they aren't. And if, by some small miracle, they are not, it's still an EA as he's going to her for comfort after arguments with you.

He is not going to alter his behaviour because there have been no consequences. have his bags packed and waiting for him on the doorstep. He really isn't worth any more bother.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 08:12:10

He says he wants a friendship with her, he doesnt love her and isnt attracted to her anymore( suppose he would say that) but i do believe him. I do think he misses the banter they had and i know he misses seeing his son as often as he used to. He didnt really bother too much about her when everything was great with us and when things got tricky for reasons stated above he seems to run to her instead of staying and working through things with me. Each time he does this im left feeling let down believing he wont stay too long. Youre right i think i do know but i can be insecure too and wanted to be reasonable and show trust. If his actions are honourable though and the space he needs from time to time isnt respected then the relationship wont be good again as before. I just think he could show more empathy take into account how it affects my feelings and that of my children.(not his but even so) his ex partner hasnt yet had another relationship so im concerned that she may be manipulating the situation too. Do i end it or give it time. I really dont want to get this wrong. No pressure on anyone,:/ ha. il decide in my time i know. What i mean is would time be something that anyone who was in my position be willing to give or would you decide enoughs enough after the nine month period in question? Hes done this around 9 or 10 during that time. Thanks for the advise.

Roshbegosh Mon 06-May-13 08:12:25

He holds the phone up for her to hear your arguments? They should be private, that alone is betraying you.

Roshbegosh Mon 06-May-13 08:15:55

This woman will always be in his life though, he can never leave her behind because of the child. This could be on and off for ever.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 08:18:03

Thanks. Im going to toughen up youve all helped. Im not usually so weak weve overcome so much and i wanted to be sure. I know if i was reading a post from someone elsevi would advise the same as you guys. Thanks again. Its not easy when its me though but yesbi know it has to stop or end for good. sad i'l keep you all posted mightbneed the support if ok but thsnks for your help x

Do I want to be 2nd best in a relationship? No, I don't.

In your op, you say you've been mostly happy but the last year has been difficult. Surely when he was begging his ex to get back with him that wasn't a happy time?

You have to decide what's more important - to be cool ie walked over or to keep your boundaries/ self respect...

thepixiefrog Mon 06-May-13 08:21:08

Op there is nothing honourable about it. He disregards your feelings repeatedly, he goes to her when you are having a difficult time and let's her hear your arguments. there are 3 people in your relationship.

I apologise if this sounds harsh, but it may be worth considering counselling on your own to look at why you accept such appalling behaviour from other people. You don't seem to value yourself very highly at all.

I'm sorry you are going through this, I wish you all the best.

Good luck purple peach...

What?!! If this was a friendtelling you this, I'm sure you would say he's ripping the piss out of her and their relationship.

Sorry OP but he's taking you for a right mug, and you're absolutely letting him.

If you really do want this to work,I'd put down firm boundaries from here on in, starting with no staying over?! That's madness,but I have to say, if he's stayed there since Friday, it does look like they're sleeping together.

LTB.

Confuseddd Mon 06-May-13 08:23:27

I totally agree Roshbegosh - it's so disrespectful.

OP, sorry you're going through this, it sounds very painful. Both parties haveto communicate to make a relationship work. It sounds like your making all the effort and to make it worse it may have to be you that ends it even though it's him that's withdrawing. However, for our self respect, I would try to be strong. Put his stuff in a bin bag outdo the front door next time he goes off and he can pick it up he he deigns to return. I think you have to stop entertaining him.

Jeez, men like this get up my nose. he sounds totally immature and irresponsible.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 08:24:58

Yes Roshbegosh ive considered that i cant keep going through this forever though. Yes a friendship, being parents but sleeping over drinking and socialising and confiding in her not on. we should be together working through things if i am paranoid at times doesnt he know he's adding to that? I wouldnt want to hurt him like this. Also how confusing for their son seeing mum and dad in the same house his house together and often. What about when my partner does leave? Quite upsetting really forvhim i think. He's five. My partner can still be a fatger to his child without being there at her house. He wont stand up to her though he doesnt eant to be prevented from seeing his child. Shes done that before. Anyway thanks x

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 08:27:19

Thanks for all the posts so far il be back soon to reply x

Rindercella Mon 06-May-13 08:31:10

You know, if you have overcome so much and he treats you like this, he is a total dickhead. From what you have said, he has no respect for you. To hold up the phone for her to hear your arguments is unforgivable, And it smacks of him wanting her to know that you have issues. He has been there since Friday afternoon? So he has been playing happy families with her and their son while you have been left by yourself. That just seems terribly cruel to me. Do you want to be with someone who treats you so cruelly and with such little respect? I know I wouldn't.

I personally don't think this will ever get any better for you. He will always need to be in contact with her, as she is his son's mother. He will always do his best to make you feel insecure about her as he is a bastard.

Don't think about what you will lose by dumping him, think about what you will gain. Like a sticking plaster, it will hurt at first, but very quickly you will feel better.

RollerCola Mon 06-May-13 08:31:23

Sorry if it's not the answer you hope to hear op but I don't think that giving him time will really make much difference. It seems that he wants to be with his ex more than with you at the moment - it may just only be a temporary thing while you're having some issues - but by running to her each time you try to address them he's not facing them at all.

Giving him more time won't help unless you can get him to face up to the problems at home so you need to either get him to stop going over & talk to you, or finish with him until he does. So sorry you have such a hard decision, some men are notoriously bad at facing problems and they're a bugger to try to pin down. He's got some serious thinking to do as well.

Lweji Mon 06-May-13 08:33:13

Way too messy.
He should really choose one way or the other.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 08:35:31

Thanks for all the posts so far il be back soon to reply x

sleeton Mon 06-May-13 08:36:27

"even rings her and holds up the phone when we have disagreements"

Your relationship is over.

For me, the phrase I've quoted says it all. He is holding you in utter contempt by doing that.

Value yourself, in a way that he does not value you. Hold your head up and walk away.

sleeton Mon 06-May-13 08:44:56

I have just realised how cold my post sounds and ... true ... I feel bitterly cold towards this man who holds the phone up so his ex can hear the woman who loves him struggling to hang on to her relationship.

Bitterly cold. He is the muck on my shoe.

I do not however, feel cold towards you Purplepeach. Be strong, value yourself, don't let him erode you any more (he is eroding you) ... end it, today.

Best luck!

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 08:45:19

Im going thriugh it because it was amazing and still this issue aside is rewarding for us both. Our problems are purely circumstantial ive been unable to get a job for the last 16 months and i try extremely hard. We live in a smsll town and i need full time its a battle everyone going for tye same good jobs. :/ my fathervdied suddenly in february too. It tipped my world upside down. I cant face the thought of losing the two men i love most in the world in such a short space of time. I really dont wantvto give up he is a good man. Has manybfaults but ive been a challenge too. I wint try indefinately though i cant. Im looking for a different house to rent mine is too expensive ive got debts that the cab are helping me manage 2 children a gay ex husband i had no idea, lol now i feel stupid. Not been what id hoped for but thos relationship has been worth the effort its only now im starting to know i cant keep going thriugh it. Everything at once just got a bit much. I want to sort it but if thrres no communication from him today il communicate with him if no joy il take his things to her house if sge wants him she can have all his stuff too. :/ il be back thanks

wordyBird Mon 06-May-13 08:45:37

Yes, holding the phone up during disagreements is appalling behaviour.

He's casually hurting two women at once with his actions, one of which is you, purple. He's also confusing his son that he says he loves. The previous relationship didn't last long after he was born.

I think the ex's comment tells you a lot about him:

She didnt give him an answer just demanded he grew a pair and did right by her and her son. ..she might not be an awkward woman who didn't let him see his son before. She might have had good reason. sad

Poohbearandpiglet Mon 06-May-13 08:45:58

Oh god..sorry OP, pretty crappy bank hol weekend for you sad Hope you get the strength to move on from him move on with you life, because tbh even if he by some miracle drastically changes and never acts in that way again, as previous posters have said, he has proved that fundamentally he doesn't respect you or your relationship. Not acceptable. Not at all.
x

He's the love of your life. You're not the love of his.

I am so so sorry he's treating you like this.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 08:48:38

Im going thriugh it because it was amazing and still this issue aside is rewarding for us both. Our problems are purely circumstantial ive been unable to get a job for the last 16 months and i try extremely hard. We live in a smsll town and i need full time its a battle everyone going for tye same good jobs. :/ my fathervdied suddenly in february too. It tipped my world upside down. I cant face the thought of losing the two men i love most in the world in such a short space of time. I really dont wantvto give up he is a good man. Has manybfaults but ive been a challenge too. I wint try indefinately though i cant. Im looking for a different house to rent mine is too expensive ive got debts that the cab are helping me manage 2 children a gay ex husband i had no idea, lol now i feel stupid. Not been what id hoped for but thos relationship has been worth the effort its only now im starting to know i cant keep going thriugh it. Everything at once just got a bit much. I want to sort it but if thrres no communication from him today il communicate with him if no joy il take his things to her house if sge wants him she can have all his stuff too. :/ il be back thanks

wordyBird Mon 06-May-13 08:49:22

X-posted. Good luck purple...so sorry about what's going on and everything you've had to deal with lately. brew

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 08:51:31

Thanks. All this is really helping. Ive got to nip out but il be back soon. Thanks agsin

sleeton Mon 06-May-13 08:53:09

I really dont wantvto give up he is a good man.

Good men don't harm people, erode them, do spiteful things. Good men don't kick you when you are down. Good men certainly don't do all this weeks after the woman who loves them has lost her father!!!

I am so sorry you are going through all this, but you will not get any stronger until you walk away from this relationship.

Thinking of you.

Patosshades Mon 06-May-13 09:40:18

A c'mon he's not a good man though is he really? You can't live your life on the scraps he throws you, you're better than that no? What happens if ex clicks her fingers tomorrow and want's him back?

BLOO3Z Mon 06-May-13 10:10:06

Best of luck purple I will come back later to see how your day has gone, you may think he amazing but I really don't think he is respecting you and your feelings, I very much doubt that hes not sleeping with her whilst he staying over, he sounds like he far to cosy over there, he reminds me of a cat, he is behaving like one. You deserve better.

You know he is over there right now bitching about you, don't you?
Those two are a mean little gang and you are the object of their derision.
He has no respect for you at all.
You are not even second best to this arse, you are probably not even third. You are the staging post while he convinces his ex to take him back.
Don't be a doormat all your life, actions speak louder than words, kick him out today.

Rindercella Mon 06-May-13 10:20:38

I am really sorry you lost your dad purple, that's incredibly tough for you. Are you getting any help with that? You might want to speak to Cruse as they offer some amazing support for those who have suffered a bereavement.

Right, I am going to be tough now smile I lost the two men I loved the most. Just after my husband was diagnosed with cancer, my father died. DH died 9 months after that. Both lost forever, and I had 2 young children with DH.

You know what, somehow you cope. And my DH, while not perfect, was an amazing man and a brilliant partner. Your partner doesn't sound like he is either of these things, certainly his words and actions to you demonstrate he's neither.

DH had an ex wife, and a son. He would never, ever have pitted his ex and I against each other. He never, ever would have held up a phone so that she could hear our arguments. And bloody hell, there was not a cat's chance in hell that he would have chosen to stay with her for days on end!! shock He was a good man. Good men just do not do any of that.

I suspect you are feeling very vulnerable at the moment purple. This man is not helping you with that; instead he is making you more vulnerable. Seek help and get rid of the dead wood in your life. Good luck. x

hoplittlebunnyhophophop Mon 06-May-13 10:22:09

What!? I feel angry on your behalf OP. He is making a prize mug of you and has been since he openly begged his ex to resume her relationship with him whilst in a year long relationship with you. Please don't continue to allow him to treat you like this. I can't see that any amount of talking will fix this. He already knows how much his behaviour upsets you and doesn't care. Tell this arse to sling it.

Hissy Mon 06-May-13 10:33:30

He texted her, a little over a YEAR after you had been together to ask if there was a chance of getting back together?

WTAF woman? That is a sackable offence right there and then!

I just ended it with a guy who said to me that he didn't see much of a future with me after a year of being together. Otherwise our relationship is fine. But i can't be with someone who isn't there.

For a man to text asking for another chance after a year FFS - why did you not bin him there and then?

I'm aware this will come over harsh, but I'm not angry AT you, it's FOR you.

It sounds like you thought that if you just tried harder, if you invested more and more and more, that eventually he would fall in love with you.

I don't think he did. But that is by the by.

He is choosing to spend time with, collaborate and conflab with his ex over you.

He is treating you as second best and you deserve better than this.

Deep breath and tell him that it's run its course.

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 10:40:42

FGS, don't try and turn yourself into a "cool" girlfriend.

They get shit on from very great heights.

scarletforya Mon 06-May-13 10:52:16

I trust he hasnt cheated

Why?

If it walks like a duck.....

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 10:52:52

Why do you think she lets him stay? Please be honest. They both say independantly its for their son. He is her only son. My partners family invite for xmas dinner and to birthdays. Not him because of me. Im still treated like the other woman 4 years on. He had an affair with her behind his first partners back. Then with me behind hers although i dodntbknow i have to stress that. So thats another reason i question it all. If she wanted him having not moved on yet would she keep anything that happened between tyem a secret? I say yes. But then he says if he wanted to be back with her he would have gone along time ago? Theres a reason they went wrong it would again. She told me herself that she wouldnt live with anyone again but if they were special she might make an exception. She treats him like a child. Shouts him downstairs like a strict mother might he immediately responds once i went over to her house as she rang me to come and pick him up she bellowed at him telling him to sit he did it! He'd tell me to f off if i did that but i wouldnt i treat him with respect but i end up having little respect? Pppfft i dont understsnd men lol. Then again my considerate ex husband turned out to be gay. Im not homophobic but its a little strange when its your ex husband and father of your children. My current partner is intelligent out spoken animated funny and loving alot of tye time. Hes adventurous. Childlike in both a good and at times a negative way. He likes his time hes not very chatty some days others he doesnt shut up!lol we laugh go fell walking learn and read. Completely the opposite of my ex husband. He wouldnt fight for his beliefs or back me up but was considerate caring and we never argued. My current partner has his way of dealing with disagreements time out. My lets fix it by talking about it is his biggest bug bare. Im rambling now sorry. Could somone address the first few points about his exes perspective please.? Is she still in love with him? Wouldnt they have got on with it by now if that were the case? Or am i just being niave and trusting again? God i sound pathetic im not that strong at the mo and am short of a support network as i dont trust many people around me. Forums are great im amazed by tyecresponse and helpful advice here thanks. Sorry i havent grasped the abrieviations as yet. X

Dog in the manger OP. I think you are giving too much credence to what they say as opposed to what they do.

Regardless, he has shown you he wants her back. Why are you settling for this? Is his cock made of gold?

Hissy Mon 06-May-13 11:01:34

So he cheated on her twice that you know of.

He left her for you and then a year later texted to see if she would take him back.

No wonder the Do right by me and my son reply. That makes sense now.

She lets him stay, and he holds up the phone to her when you argue.

I tell you why she lets him stay, because she knows it'll get at you, revenge possibly.

He clearly has self esteem issues, to cheat and to be so dismissive of those that care for you only stem from not caring enough about yourself to prize those that do.

He doesn't deserve you. He knows it too. he is a low down cheat.

when you have an affair with someone elses H, there is always a risk that they will betray you too. This is kind of what he's doing now.

I hate OW, but I think given your past relationships, you were vulnerable and not really ready for a full on, full time relationship, so an emotionally and physically unavailable man followed on from your ExH, and you didn't have the strength to hold out for better.

End this relationship, get some counselling to deal with the terrible blows to the esteem and confidence you have taken and use the next year to rebuild yourself and heal the hurt you have suffered.

Hissy Mon 06-May-13 11:03:10

sorry, he cheated twice, once with her. Same shit tbh.. he is a cheat.

TheConstantLurker Mon 06-May-13 11:04:43

Could you talk to her and form a team to cope with this differently? If she really is totally finished with any kind of relationship with him beyond their son then she should be able to help you and be much firmer in her boundaries with him. She should immediately put the phone down when he calls during your arguments and tell both of that, that is what she does. She should insist he leaves her house after their on is asleep. Etc.

TheConstantLurker Mon 06-May-13 11:06:05

But yeah get rid.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 11:13:42

Re not sacking him there and then when he told me he text her after our first year. I admired his honesty, i wanted him to be happy (id rather he was with me) but they have a child. My family unit broke down for other reasons. Its horrible for all concerned. Plus if he wanted to be with her as was then i knew i deserved better after one year i was head over heals but im not a home wrecker. We continued to be happy laugh explore this mad world. We were invincible i was sure of that then. He was happy only when things got stressed us being in the house most of the time after both losing our jobs within a few months of eachother. Not having much of a social life through lack of funds and very little family support from either side. Only then did he start to back away. I lost my marital home as i lost my job and couldnt keep thr morgage going. Even the fact that i shared custody of my children straight down the middle with their dad ( which i did to be fair to my girls who love their dad as he does them) its hard for me though extremely but in their best interests i thought it was the best way we could both be with them without actually being together. then my childrens father told me about his sexuality. I think these things affected my current partners respect for me but i dont see that i failed i did and still do my best it was circumstantial.things took a down turn then he started to think about what hed given up for me i think. Oh god what a fool ive been. :-( ps could someone tell me how to erase these posts when we are done :/? X

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 11:17:44

he is a serial cheater ?

Why did you think you would change him ?

You have fallen for the oldest flannel in the book, OP, and are still continuing to do so

Love, you are a good, kind, decent person who puts others first. That is fine when the others feel the same way or are children. He doesn't and is not your child.
You can report your thread and ask for it to be deleted whenever you like.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 11:26:46

I went to her once she was fairly decent told me a thing or two about hos character but also bragged about their relationship and how they get on better now than before in some ways. Ie henlistens to her demands i think. He went mad that i had discussed him with her. Tbh i didnt know where else to go she knows him well. His own family mum etc dont really bother with me atleast. After id left her house and she had spoken to my partner after being fine with me she apparently told him it was a weird thing for me to do. I knew it was strange insensitive even but she is quite straight forward i thought knows him and considering who i am to her fairly decent to my face atleast. He told me things that id apparently said to her about him twisted most of it. Madevout id said negative stuff when actually it was her. Knew then i coukdnt trust her. God im so niave. Whoever said cool girlsfriends get shat on from great heights?? Nail on head all i ever did was show him love not boss him he see's as me smothering him i dont. Im not insecure about anythingbelse or anyone. I feel im within my rights to have issues about this i dont know a single person who would be ok with it. Looks like from your resposes i was right. You think its unfair even cruel too.

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 11:30:22

No, love

it's him you can't trust

she is incidental...just like you are I am afraid

Shinigami Mon 06-May-13 12:09:20

He's probably feeding her a load of bullshit stories as well tbh.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 06-May-13 12:14:47

I am sorry but he has already left the building emotionally and physically.

Redundancy after a marriage break-up was bad enough and now you are grieving for your dad. An 'adventurous' partner who is a serial cheat has gone AWOL over the bank holiday. Your 'problem' for him is you have rl worries, concerns, responsibilities, it's lack of fun not lack of coolness that panics or bores him. He hasn't lost respect for you or anyone it's an alien concept to him!

I think the mystery is why otherwise capable, strong women let this 'child-like' (code for self-centred, impulse-led, live-for-the-moment?) man in and out of their lives. She may be wise to his failings but their son is her achilles heel so for now she won't back you up publically or to his face. In any case, I wouldn't trust him to tell you truthfully what she says.

Btw I think it's no coincidence that after 4 years, DS is out of nappies and beyond teething and sleepless nights, who gives back as much "fun" as he takes and probably adores seeing your boyfriend more than ever.

While it lasted you may have had some good times together but do yourself a favour, pack this guy's bags and make sure you wave goodbye for good. Otherwise he will happily boomerang between you and his not-so-ex for as long as you allow him.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Mon 06-May-13 12:18:50

You are focussing too much on her actions and motivations and not enough on his.

He holds the phone up for her to hear your arguments! shock

Hissy Mon 06-May-13 12:19:34

Why would you ever think you could trust her? What does she owe you?

You had an affair with her Husband! She would love to see you dumped somehow.

So he told you he was going to text her? Or did he tell you he HAD textED her? it's a test to see how much of a doormat you were tbh.

Get away with that and he's got you by the short and curleys tbh.

Cool girlfriend my arse. How many decent men would accept their GF texting their Ex after a year to see if there's a chance? It's about the biggest insult any relationship could have.

Pack his bags and drop them to the ExW. Return to Sender and all that.

Then stay with this prize catch. Watch in wonder while your self esteem nosedives further, your doubts and suspicions eating you up. Stay and enjoy the status of Ms Third Best while they point and laugh at you.
Sounds grrrreat, no?

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 12:24:08

So now i find hes been home while i was out yesterday, took his walking boots and some other stuff. Didnt let on ive been inconsolable since he left he knows it. The walking boots are kind of significant as on thursday we had a lovely adventure we were supposed to repeat it on saturday and sunday. He trxt me at 12.50am on saturday morning saying stop worrying il see you soon. I thought soon meant yesterdayni got my hopes up asked him if hed come on a walk with me the forecast is good. He couldnt even remeber sending the text probably drunk with her. Then today i realise hes been back and taken his walking boots so guess hes not coming with me.sad films too from the laptop and software for his sons playbook. Didnt even wonder how i was. Im rock bottom today. My kids went to their dads at 10 apart from teatime visits i wont see them til thursday. Im trying tonpottor around. I cant even do that let alone pack his stuff. 37 and still a muppet it seems. Thankyiu all so much im worried im getting too depressing posting now. It helps but il leave it for a bit and read of others. Xx

Xales Mon 06-May-13 12:27:50

He's a cheat.

He cheated with her. She should have realised but we all think that we are different we are 'the one'.

He cheated on her with you. Even if you didn't know at the time. She would have and so yeah she probably loves having him stay over because you hate it. Tough shit you in her eyes cheated with her then partner. So what does she think she owes you?

You should realise but just like his ex you think you are different you think you are the one.

Seeing any coincidences yet?

He will if he hasn't already cheat on you. You will be dumped when he is ready.

Get out now and it will hurt like fuck. Howver you will start the road to recovery now not in 6 months/a year after he has treated you shabbily and made you feel crap for all that time.

What are you going to do Purple?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 06-May-13 12:33:46

37 you are in your prime of life - he is the muppet so if your children are at their dad's don't sit pining for this giddy twunt, get outdoors and walk him out of your system.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 12:35:12

Just to clarify he wasnt her husband, i didnt know they were still trying when i met him.she thinks we started seeing eachother 4 months after we did. Sorry just wanted to clear that up not justisfying my actions though.

AmberLeaf Mon 06-May-13 12:38:02

Why do you think she lets him stay? Please be honest

Because they are still having a relationship.

Of course they are sleeping together!

He uses seeing his son as an excuse to be there to you, I wonder what lies he tells her to explain being with you?

He cheated on her with you, their relationship continues.

Just end it, there is no happy ending in this for you.

It sounds like you are trying to be 'cool' because he paints her as some kind of harridan, 'talking down to him' etc. so then that ensures you wont do the same because you are desperate to be the opposite.

Don't expect truth or decency from either of them, he is a lying cheat, she doesn't think you deserve any consideration because you are the other woman.

He has a child with her so will always have to see her, this will continue for as long as you let it.

Oh purple he's a fucking bastard! He's still not come home after leaving you since Friday??!! Oh, except to get his boots to take her on the trip you were supposed to be going on.

Seriously, you can do miles better,one day, you will look back on this idiot and shake your head.

You're not a mug, but you are being taken in, send him a text saying.... 'See you got your boots, you're going to fucking need them son, pick the rest of your shit up ASAP.'

He is a grade A arsehole. Fact.

You can do so much better than this.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 12:56:25

Wow!! You are all very strong woman me too its lots of ways but not at the min. So much has happened. Im really tired so im pottering around making the house nice. After which il pamper myself relax and have some me time. Its a constant battle to look less than 90 these days im outting it down to stress! Lol then after sleep i will begin getting it all together book a removal van and get it delivered i couldnt stand to take it there. Of course thats my plan but then im not great at flip flopping from one emotion to another at the mo. im usually quite well balanced not with though i feel sick to my stomach stupid i know.if i get over losing my amazing loving proud loyal hero of a dad i get over this i know that. Id just rarher not have to. Im so soft. Love deep hurt deep. If i get angry i feel sorrow and remorse immediately afterwards. Then the tears flow. Its like grief happens in waves. My facevliterakly lights up when he texts. Jesus where do you peeps live come round and bring me a backbone lol. So yeah tidy up and then bath step at a time but i'l sort it dont want my kids seeingbme like this this wont be acceptable for them so why am i making it acceptable for me.? Wow i feel empowered,,smile)) xxxx

AmberLeaf Mon 06-May-13 12:59:10

You can do this.

I will be worth it.

Shinigami Mon 06-May-13 13:00:53

37 is still a baby spring chicken! You've got your whole life ahead of you and better yet without that cheating waste of organs.
Shove all his stuff in binbags while he's out and leave them in the garden.

I'm in Norfolk purple got backbone in spades (and gin!) smile

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 13:10:45

Librrtine lover that made me laugh outloud!! I text him about the boots being gone he reckons im a weirdo cos he hasnt got them lol oh well something else for them to be laughing about! God knows where they are though. I trxt back oh well bang goes civility from you you for another day! Have a gooden lol i know im rubbish. Im not moving far today but tomorrow im up bright and early going to look for another house to rent this one is far too expensive, then job centre thats a daily thing. Do you think me hoping he will come to talk before it ends is stupid? Do men do that? Or is it normally a text or completly ignore kind of thing? Il be packing it all tomorrow either way have it dropped off. Might need you lot to moan to. Hope that ok? :/ xxxx

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 13:12:56

Librrtine lover that made me laugh outloud!! I text him about the boots being gone he reckons im a weirdo cos he hasnt got them lol oh well something else for them to be laughing about! God knows where they are though. I trxt back oh well bang goes civility from you you for another day! Have a gooden lol i know im rubbish. Im not moving far today but tomorrow im up bright and early going to look for another house to rent this one is far too expensive, then job centre thats a daily thing. Do you think me hoping he will come to talk before it ends is stupid? Do men do that? Or is it normally a text or completly ignore kind of thing? Il be packing it all tomorrow either way have it dropped off. Might need you lot to moan to. Hope that ok? :/ xxxx

AmberLeaf Mon 06-May-13 13:16:24

Yeah, screw the removal van, bag it all up, text him that he needs to come and collect his stuff from your front lawn...

Sod delivering it to him!

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 13:16:43

Librrtine lover that made me laugh outloud!! I text him about the boots being gone he reckons im a weirdo cos he hasnt got them lol oh well something else for them to be laughing about! God knows where they are though. I trxt back oh well bang goes civility from you you for another day! Have a gooden lol i know im rubbish. Im not moving far today but tomorrow im up bright and early going to look for another house to rent this one is far too expensive, then job centre thats a daily thing. Do you think me hoping he will come to talk before it ends is stupid? Do men do that? Or is it normally a text or completly ignore kind of thing? Il be packing it all tomorrow either way have it dropped off. Might need you lot to moan to. Hope that ok? :/ xxxx

AmberLeaf Mon 06-May-13 13:18:06

Don't waste your time talking Purple.

It will only give him the opportunity to weedle his way round you again.

What can he say?
He'll slink off like the reptile he so patently is. In his walking boots wink

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 13:23:39

I feel terrible about posting all this, but its helping and youve all been really great with advise and points of view some of its hard to read but i know its right. Im going off now for a while il pop on later. Thankyou to you all again i feel better and when im typing this im not texting him i do that overcompensating for his arrogance and lack of feed back lol bye for now.

Have a nice bank holiday Purple grin

Shinigami Mon 06-May-13 13:36:52

It's not strange that you want to talk to him before you end it. In fact it's perfectly natural. Do you think you just want answers from him?

You're doing so well. You've seen him for what he is and realized what you need to do. I think the next thing is dealing the with the "why?". The frustrating thing is, even he probably doesn't know why he does the shit he does.

AmberLeaf Mon 06-May-13 13:42:22

Why doesn't even matter.

The main thing is that Purple sees she doesn't have to put up with it and moves on.

He'll only lie so what's the point?

Shinigami Mon 06-May-13 14:10:46

True AmberLeaf. Very true.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 16:03:42

Ive tried to ask him to please just communicate as to if he will agree to meet up to talk( sorry but i had to) he said i was emotionally blackmailing him asking that and then text p**s off then sorry that was harsh please just stop doing his head in i text back pardon me sorry to have bothered you i wont text again. Nothing back. Im now going to visit a friend talk about anythimg else and make the most of whats left of the sunshine ive moped enough. Housework can wait til sundown. smile il be on later for a chin wag lol thanks peepssmile x

FFS woman!!!
Stop letting him kick you while you are down.
HE DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 06-May-13 16:31:25

Look, it is normal to want some closure but he has pretty well slammed the door in your face, don't beg because if he does deign to answer or turn up, you will risk losing all your self-respect. So far he has hardly bothered explaining or discussing so don't prolong the pain. You told us it's not his way to talk over anything - which neatly avoids any risk of him listening.

The well-tried tactic of cheaters, liars and manipulators is to convince their partner
I was never really into you... I haven't been happy for ages...You never listen to me... Why are you so controlling... Maybe if you had done x y or z....I need space.. There's no-one else I just need to do this for myself.
Hollow words and phrases, just fobbing you off.

he wanted you to piss off, because he's shmoozing her, and you're disturbing him. the.bloke.Is. a.Twat.

AmberLeaf Mon 06-May-13 16:57:59

Sounds like he is enjoying a nice bank hol weekend with his family and you are interrupting that.

He is probably showing her the texts and telling her 'see, I told you she is nuts!' cos that's probably the line hes spinning her, that you are needy and clingy and he is having trouble cutting you loose.

He'll probably call/text you when he leaves her house and be all nicey nice and give you a line about her not letting him call you or some such shit. Don't fall for it.

Delete his number from your phone, stop contacting him!

gettingeasiernow Mon 06-May-13 17:20:37

I hear that you think you've weathered lots of storms so you are thinking you can get through this too, but this lack of respect is a deal breaker in the way that financial/work worries aren't. You are excusing way too much in the hope that it's all part and parcel of facilitating his relationship with his dc. I'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear, but you are right to be worried and you should listen to your instincts.

Confuseddd Mon 06-May-13 21:56:22

You know you shouldn't text him. I know how hard it is not to!!! Write him a letter then burn it. Begin to detach - you can do it. You will find all the support you will need here. And if you share with friends and people you trust in real life, they will help you. You are being really brave here.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 22:43:12

Hes just text " be cool and so will i x" what do we make of that? Xx

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 22:43:41

Hes just text " be cool and so will i x" what do we make of that? Xx

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 22:46:38

translation : STFU or I will smear your name as a Bunny Boiler all over town

what do you think ?

sleeton Mon 06-May-13 22:46:43

Please, please tell me you are not going to answer it.

Lweji Mon 06-May-13 23:07:15

Nothing.
Don't answer it.

AmberLeaf Mon 06-May-13 23:12:08

That means 'shut up with the 'moaning' and I'll grace you with my presence' 'dont...and I wont'

Dont even dignify it with a responce.

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 23:14:02

Have you woken up to this dickhead yet, op ?

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 23:18:17

Well if it means shut the f*ck up or i will smear your name as a bunny boiler hes being very random and a twat dont think im a bunny boiler i only text occassionally im not sitting outside her house stalking or banging the front door down and making a scene. I mean ffs! I dont know anyone who would tolerate this sh*t.
Based on the general concensus on here i think he's just playing more head games. Although i saw it as him saying dont be too needy and he'l respond better. All i know is im nearing the end of this self centred shite i will admit im softer than your average bear at the mo but he seems to either not know or not care that he's persecuting me ommiting telling me what ive asked him. I wouldnt have kept asking if he had told me in the first place. Game player and cruel at that. I dont see him changing and having much in the way of empathy for my distress anytime soon. Atleast his keeper will be at work tomorrow so she might give him his phone back we'l see lol.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 23:18:52

No i didnt answer it ;)

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 23:31:12

Lol amber leaf! I didnt and ive known since the summer when he went for a couple of hours to his brothers which lead to a couple of nights at his brothers then didnt come back for over a month no real explanation except he needed space. I knew where he was and trusted him but i couldnt believe how cold he was then it seemed to come out of nowhere. I felt like id been gutted! This has happened quite a few times since then, im not saying at times i havent been difficult to live with but its the having to deal with all this plus losing my father that made my head pop if he'd stick to what he agreed in the first place which was that once his son was asleep he would come home and not repeatedly go against that by staying over there nights at a time id be cool. But of course it couldnt be his fault.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 23:35:28

Well anyfucker put it this way the person i keep thinking he is deep down is getting harder to see. He can be so different tobthis a pleasure to havebin your life but is far too selfish to be in a relationship atleast one i want or deserve to be in he gave up on love when joman lol sorry f***ed him over. I think ive been fighting a losing battle ever since in retrospect.

AmberLeaf Mon 06-May-13 23:58:26

I think you are giving him far more credit than he deserves.

From an outside perspective it is obvious he is carrying on with the mother of his child, I doubt he was actually at his brothers, he doesnt deserve your trust.

He really isn't the person you think he is 'deep down' he is just a liar.

It isn't you or anything you do or dont do. It is him, all him. he is just a chancer.

Gingersstuff Tue 07-May-13 00:20:19

I don't post often but this guy is a Grade A Arsehole, he really is. He's been acting like a complete shit to you for a long while now and keeps doing it because you've let him away with it so many times. Time to pack him up and ship him back to the Not-So-Ex, sweetie. You can do sooo much better.

Purplepeach Tue 07-May-13 00:59:02

Thanks everyone for your help and advice ive really needed the support dont feel quite so on my own with it all. I cant stand the thought of this continuing indefinately it hurts far too much. he lacks empathy and care and i would never knowingly put another person through this pain he knows how much im hurting and why.mI realise now reading others perspectives i cant possibly carry on giving myself to him I cant hang on to "the snippets he throws me" My dad told me in the summer to toughen up im his daughter he was a proud man able to handle himself, well respected, with a generous nature and warm heart, im his only daughter time to step back up to that mark the best i can.I just havent felt that tough since he died i told him i would and i will. smile thanks again everyone. :-) xxx

WhiteBirdBlueSky Tue 07-May-13 01:09:42

He's right. No caring parent would want to see their child being treated as your partner has treated you.

He has effectively ended the relationship with his behaviour. I agree with you, it's time to close the door on him and walk away.

sunnywindysunday Tue 07-May-13 01:13:50

I would hate to be this nice. You might as well write on your forehead 'kick me'.

OP you better dump him

PLEASE!

RollerCola Tue 07-May-13 08:06:06

Just want to add, the longer you stay with this guy, the longer you're delaying meeting the TRUE love of your life who, lets face it, could be just round the next corner waiting for you.

You know, a real nice, sensitive, sweet, caring, funny guy. One who loves your very bones. Who worships you. Who would do anything for you. There are plenty of guys like that out there, there's one for you if you have a look. Stop wasting your life with this idiot.

sleeton Tue 07-May-13 08:57:32

Good morning Purplepeach are you about? I just thought I would drop in before I go to work and wish you luck for this grand, wonderful day! The day you change your life!!!

I haven't forgotten that yesterday you said, about your STBexP's stuff "Il be packing it all tomorrow either way have it dropped off.".

I do hope you are still going to do that, Purplepeach. Use today to remove every vestige of that man from your house, and begin your new life in which you will respect yourself!

Hope to hear later that you've moved all his stuff .... I got the impression from your posts yesterday that you would like to deliver his stuff to his Other Partner's house. Fine, if you can and that is what you'd prefer, but if you can't then please please don't use that as an excuse to yourself not to get rid of his stuff. Still do it ... just bag it up, and put the bags at the edge of your property (and, if you are feeling generous, you could send him a very brief text telling him that the bags are there and that he is not to enter your house again).

Good luck and have a great day!

Chigley1 Tue 07-May-13 08:57:53

I don't post very often either but had to join in and say that you sound like a nice person, purple. He does not. He sounds
Iike a complete arse.

Please gather every ounce of self respect you have and kick him out. For good.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 07-May-13 09:09:24

Ask him to post your key through your door when he comes to pick up his stuff.

CominThroughTheWry Tue 07-May-13 09:11:39

Good morning Purplepeach, I've been working but have followed your thread in my spare minutes. Good luck for today my lovely, you're going to be just fine.

Will be thinking of you, stay strong. You can do this.

Morning purple! Hope you're feeling up to putting the rubbish out today grin Even if you're not, and you're sobbing on the kitchen floor, come and tell us,we'll hold your hand smile

Time to take out the trash Purple. Your Dad would be proud xxx

RollerCola Wed 08-May-13 21:43:13

Hi Purple, I've been thinking about you. Hope you're ok and have managed to make some difficult decisions.

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