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Could you please slap me, or at best throw harsh words my way?

(46 Posts)
whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 22:46:15

So... recently split with DP of four years. It was a blah relationship, long-distance, very little time spent together and no love. I'm moving on, I have a couple of profiles on dating sites because I have no idea how normal people meet each other and I don't trust easily- I prefer to get to know people anonymously before actually meeting, so it works.

I met someone. I like him. Seemingly he likes me. I met him IRL last Sunday, we spent hours together talking. He was nervous, I was nervous. We met again Wednesday, he drove to a pub near me and met me after work. All good thus far, yes? Lots on common, good kisser.... yup.

He texted me every day since Sunday, we've had long conversations, talked about a future, made plans. But now I haven't heard from him since Thursday. I've text twice, I've messaged on the site we met. Nothing. I'm kicking myself, I'm wondering what I've done wrong, how I could have been better. Urgh.

Either he's off, not keen. Or is keen but not able to answer. I can't get it out of my head that I've buggered it up somehow, been too keen, not keen enough, or he's realised what he's gotten into- I'm obese, I'm no catch. Urgh urgh.

Someone tell me to bloody stop. Either he's not worth it or I'm being an idiot. Probably both.

Urgh. I liked this one more in two weeks of chatting and meeting than the previous DP in four years.

Urgh.

Hassled Sun 05-May-13 22:51:42

Talking about a future after 2 weeks does sound maybe a tad over-keen. Were you both doing that sort of talking?

Worst case scenario is that he's done a runner because he's been frightened off or met someone else or is married or is just plain not that into you. It happens - not your fault, not his fault. It's just what happens. And if worst case scenario is true - isn't it better it ends now?

If you can meet one nice guy then you can meet more, I'm sure.

sarahseashell Sun 05-May-13 22:51:51

STOP!!! just delete his number and leave it. Don't take it personally. You only had one date right?

Don't use it as an excuse to beat yourself up - maybe build up your self esteem a bit before dating more? and don't rule out meeting people in RL

whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 22:57:04

Two dates, one in central London (neutral location, public!) from 1pm-10pm just talking. Second at my local.

Future talk was only about date three specifically, going out Sunday next to the cinema and a walk. Everything else just random.

RL too difficult to meet people. I work 60 hours, alone, and don't do much else.

Oh well. I still have my profiles up, I assumed nothing would work out so left it up! I'm getting on, would love a family at some point, so still looking.

Grr.

whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 22:58:58

Oh I should say.... the future thing, only in general terms, but as a 'together', stuck in my mind only because ex-DP and I have never talked the future. Four years and he always assumed I would move to his country, never get married and never want kids. So even a snippet of possibility stuck in my mind!

bunsmum Sun 05-May-13 22:59:21

Did you sleep with him?

whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 23:00:31

Noooooooooooo! Only ever met in public. He was quite the gentleman, seemingly..... had a bit of a snog, that's all!

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 23:01:24

You care too much, too soon. CHILL.... You are interviewing for the best job in the world, to be LOVED by YOU!

If he doesn't call you, then HE'S the loser. He's not the one for you.

Keep going, you'll find someone great!

TheSecondComing Sun 05-May-13 23:02:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bunsmum Sun 05-May-13 23:04:33

Normally if he was going to bail out on the situation I'd expect him to at least wait around to have sex which he hasn't done... He has gone from intense contact to none at all in a short space of time which is weird. I definitely think it points to other issues in his life (ex/girlfriends, wife etc.) did he say he was still dating other people on the site? My friend has had similar experiences with online dating - especially my single friend...

whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 23:05:05

thanks Hissy

TBH, I've never even cared for anyone before. Never been in love. I think I'm worrying more about what he thinks of me rather than what I think of him!

I'm wondering if he even got the messages. I don't want to badmouth him then find out he lost his phone.... I know he's away this weekend but it's for a hobby, in the UK, no reason not to have reception or time.

Hmm.

Secretservice Sun 05-May-13 23:05:36

It's definitely not you! There was probably nothing you could, or should have done differently.

You should come over to the dating thread, and hear all our tales of the amazing disappearing men! I was caught out by one a few weeks back, like you we spend weeks messaging before we could sort out a date to meet up. First date was great, chatted for hours, loads of texting before second date which was even better than the first. Then nothing. Complete silence.

The worst thing is not knowing why, but you have to just chalk it up to experience and really believe it's not you, cos if it was you, then it could've been me, too. And thay's just not possible because I'm awesome and so are you grin. And I know that cos the dating threaders told me so. Come and join us!

whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 23:09:17

Yes yes to the sex thing- I've had first dates before where the pressure was on to sleep with them and when I made it clear that wasn't an option so early I never heard from them again. But this one didn't push it, never even brought it up except as a joke. And it was my local, he had ample opportunity to suggest going to mine and he never brought it up. Odd.

I think you're right bunsmum, bet he kept the account open and met someone else. Fair enough, I don't own him, would just be good to know because I've turned down a couple of people online saying I was trying it with this guy and was seeing how it went!

I know he's back home tomorrow from hobby weekend, so if it is a phone/web issue it'll come out won't it.

whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 23:10:46

Oh secretservice your experience is exactly like mine! I'm loathe to jump into an open thread but I'll take a look. I don't always fit in here as I don't have kids, nor does it look that likely!

Lweji Sun 05-May-13 23:15:42

Even if he hasn't got the messages, he could have sent something himself.
He could have had a disaster (I once did on holiday, but not for 3 days) but you shouldn't get this worked up after two dates.
Leave it open. If he ever gets back, see if it makes sense and you are up to it or not. If he doesn't, move on.
Don't despair of dating. smile

TheSecondComing Sun 05-May-13 23:15:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 23:16:18

What does it matter what others think of you? that way madness lies.

(I'm also internet dating again after my 1year relationship tanked last week) I too have to remind myself of this when I think He won't be interested in me cos I'm not a size 10, over and over and over again.

I met someone great, went out for a year, but we both had bad backgrounds and needed to be together to learn. We've learnt, now it's time to move on. Very sad, cos he thinks I'm wonderful, and I think he is too, but it won't work.

So when I get in that self destructive trap, I have to talk to myself and tell myself to STFU.

We will meet who we are supposed to meet.

Don't chase affection. it has to be given to be worth something.

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 23:16:41

I suppose I had better check into the dating thread too then.... hmm

grin

Secretservice Sun 05-May-13 23:17:04

I'm in London, too. Wonder if it was the same twunt?

We're a very mixed bunch - there's even blokes! - and you won't be the only without kids. And very welcoming, whether you just dip in and out, or are there all day every day grin

There's nowhere better for support and advice on dating of all kinds. And bragging of successes - which there will be - is equally expected.

Secretservice Sun 05-May-13 23:18:53

And yes Hissy definitely!

whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 23:20:08

Oh God secretservice what if it was the same one? Unusual name, in a caring profession?

Secretservice Sun 05-May-13 23:30:17

Well, he had an unusual name, but as far away from caring as you can get - finance grin. Which is a shame really as it would be nice to think all the disappearers are just one man!

whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 23:34:51

Now I'm not sure if it's good that it's someone different, or not. Would be easier to move on but dammit now I have hope that it's a phone issue and not him buggering off! Would of course be good if all the twunts were one bloke, we could nab him in a sting operation and cage talk some sense into him.

Secretservice Sun 05-May-13 23:41:23

Can you tell from the site you're on if he has been online since Thursday?

EllaFitzgerald Sun 05-May-13 23:59:26

OP - You're obviously a catch because if he didn't fancy you, he wouldn't have arranged a second date with you.

Who knows why these people do their disappearing acts just when everything seems to be going really well, but whatever his reasons, they're going to be about him, not you. Keep your profile up and, whatever you do, don't contact him again. OD can, and does, work but sometimes you have to work your way through a few idiots first.

badinage Mon 06-May-13 00:01:47

Could 'hobby weekend' actually mean 'home with wife and kids?'

Flipper924 Mon 06-May-13 00:53:04

I'm on the dating thread, and I haven't got kids! Come over, we love new faces!

whywhywhywhywhywhy Mon 06-May-13 23:41:49

Oh dear, or oh good, I'm not sure!

He texted me. Apparently his phone was out of order all weekend so he didn't know I'd texted til he saw my message on POF. I got the text at work and didn't get a chance to reply til I was home, by which time he had also sent a message on POF to ask if I'd seen the text! So I've replied and it's still on, the agreed date three on Weds.

I don't want to be the same old, negative, always assuming the worst person. I don't want to bin him off because of a lack of contact that comes with a reasonable explanation! So chance two.... not that he knows it, all is well with him! I mean I like him a lot, just because we have a lot in common and he seems open minded. I'm not going to be all neurotic and demand why he didn't text as he said he would, or reply or anything. He says he never got any of my texts as the phone doesn't work. In all fairness he did drop it in liquid last week and had had it in rice all day before we met, but it seemed to be sorted. Guess not..... or my little mind is thinking 'did that happen or did he set out a plausible escape clause in advance?'

See, neurotic. Think positive! Date Weds. Lets see.

chocmallow Tue 07-May-13 07:21:21

In this instance I would give him the benefit of the doubt, these things happen. It's only been two dates (and I hope you have a great third date - what are your plans?)so try not to invest too heavily, just enjoy smile

Hissy Tue 07-May-13 07:40:46

PLEASE, FFS, would you reign it in a bit? This panic ought to have taught you that you're out of control here somehow.

Calm down. 3 dates is not even close to understanding someone!

Delete the number and never even thinking of phoning a man first!!! If they don't phone you, then yes you are right, he is not interested.
Don't take it to heart, it was only 3 dates.
Do not sit around worrying about this, there are more fish in the sea, that may be more than happy to phone you back. Think of this as if he is mouldy fish, don't sit waiting and obsessing when there are fresh ones waiting!

whywhywhywhywhywhy Tue 07-May-13 20:02:25

hissy I wasn't panicking! I just wanted a second opinion, I don't have any friends who I can talk to about stuff like this. Just wanted to present the facts and see what others thought. I have no experience in stuff like this, I've spent maybe 3 months total time with my ex during the four years together and that in the sum total of my dating experience. I can't look to my parents for guidance- they've been stuck in a loveless, PA marriage for 30 years.

I just wanted some guidance- no wait, I wanted some experience. I wanted a chance to talk with someone else who is unsure. My two best mates have been with their OH since teens and both recently wed, they couldn't help me as they've never 'dated'. they met 'the one' and just stayed together. As did my sister too. So where do I go for help? Anonymous strangers on t'internet!

He hasn't texted today but left a message on POF, phone still out of commission. I'm going for benefit of the doubt- my automatic response is always to assume I've buggered it up, I just wanted to hear other people have been through it.

Tryharder Tue 07-May-13 20:18:37

Eh? I don't get the problem.

You've had 2 dates and on the 5th which was Sunday(?), you said you hadn't heard from him since Thursday, so only 3 days. And a number of posters jump in and say, oh he's married, he's not into you etc etc. I mean, come on ladies.....

In reality, he was away on a hobby weekend, he's busy, his phone was broken, which happens and now he has made contact. They have had a few dates, why should he call every day?

Sounds all good to me.

You need to calm right down and play it a bit cool, IMVHO.

Lweji Tue 07-May-13 20:23:53

I'd give the benefit of the doubt, unless he does it again soon.
But I wouldn't expect every day texts unless you really become an item.

And yes, mobile phone accidents do happen (it did to me and even today to a colleague) and sometimes we do have trouble making contact.

whywhywhywhywhywhy Tue 07-May-13 20:26:13

I literally have no experience. I just wanted some advice. He has texted me every day, whole conversations, for over two weeks before we met for date one. Then suddenly one day no contact and ignoring my two texts and the POF message.... just wanted another perspective, is all.

I'll admit I never thought he may be married or have kids til it was mentioned on this thread. I just assumed I'd managed to bugger it up.

cjel Tue 07-May-13 20:50:26

my thought would be you haven't heard from him over a bank holiday weekend.He has other comittments, wife/family?
Nothing to do with you at allx

WhiteBirdBlueSky Tue 07-May-13 20:57:27

Seems odd that after that amount of contact he seems to barely have registered that his phone was broken.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt, but remain slightly wary.

You don't know this man, and you won't for a while yet.

Good luck!

Hissy Tue 07-May-13 22:16:45

I get all the second guessing, the wondering waht you'd done. This is what I refer to as panicking.

Because it is.

You jumped to a conclusion, you are over invested, over sensitive and over critical of yourseelf.

You seem to NEED him to approve of you.

Well honey, YOU are the one who gets to decide who gets to be your boyfriend! You are NOT sitting by the wall hoping someone will take pity on you ang pick you as his girlfriend! This is your choice too.

Please calm this down. For your own sake. Ou don't know him.

He might be OK, but you going through anguish will weaken you, and make you vulnerable.

Take a deep breath. Tell yourself it's ok, and it will be OK. Even if it doesn't work out, it'll still be ok.

You are a good person, kind, friendly and caring, who in their right mind wouldn't be pleased to date you. If they can't see your value, they don't deserve you!

whywhywhywhywhywhy Tue 07-May-13 23:14:12

Honest, honest, it isn't anguish. I'd be peeved if I never heard from him again but not devastated! We just have more in common than anyone I've ever met, friend or whatever.

I'm not overcritical, I'm exactly critical enough! I know my worth, and it isn't much. People say work on your self esteem but I think mine is sky-high, I know my place in the world.

Scarletohello Tue 07-May-13 23:52:21

There is an excellent book ( with a crap title ) called " Why men love bitches". It's not about being a bitch, it's about knowing your worth and holding onto your dignity and sense of self around men. Check out the reviews on Amazon, if you haven't much experience of dating I highly recommend it. Hope you have a great third date..!!

Walkacrossthesand Tue 07-May-13 23:53:50

*Whywhy', I may be speaking out of turn here, but an assumption that the man stops contact because you've 'managed to bugger it up', and 'your worth isn't much', doesn't sit well with you having 'sky high self-esteem'. There are all sorts of reasons why text contact may have faltered - ranging from his phone genuinely having stopped working, to him having a life that you as yet know nothing about which may include wife and children. At the moment it sounds like he's trying to stay in touch via POF messages - you know that there was a hiccup over the weekend so you'll be on your guard slightly, but hey - just let it roll and see where it goes. It's not like the guy I had a bit of a dialogue with from OD, who claimed to work from home in IT, disappeared for more than a week, then claimed he'd had computer problems - really? No Internet for more than a week when it's your job? I don't think so, sunshine - I didn't bother to reply!!

WafflyVersatile Wed 08-May-13 00:13:20

If I liked a guy I would go to an internet cafe rather than sudden radio silence for a week, unless I wasn't that into him.

Anyway OP. Just go with it and see how it works out.

VelvetSpoon Wed 08-May-13 00:23:33

Let's face it, OD is a massive head-fuck. The majority of men doing it are either not single, not looking for a relationship (despite claiming they are), or single for a bloody good reason, if not many reasons. I have never met so many rude, arrogant and downright disingenuous men in any other part of my life, such men are disproportionately represented in OD.

It's hard I think because if you're a decent, honest person (as I am, and I expect the OP is) you expect people to treat you as you would them. However the normal rules of politeness and courtesy largely go out the window with all this stuff - hence many men thinking they're entitled to send you a barrage of smutty comments, lewd suggestions, photos of their cocks etc - which I'm sure they wouldn't do to a woman they met through friends, or at work, in the pub, or via some means other than the internet!

Most of the time when they are all texttexttext at first, then stop, it's because they're not interested in pursuing it further. Mainly because they are married/in a relationship, and/or just looking for a one-off shag, or like a kid in a sweetshop rushing round messaging and dating as many women as they can. But because there is such an absence of honesty in most men who OD, you'll never know this, and be left wondering.

OP, this guy's explanation could be true. However given he was constantly texting before, you would expect him to have sent a POF message before your prompt. It might be genuine, but I would be wary. See how contact continues after tomorrow, but don't be surprised if he disappears again, either permanently, or only to reappear after a few days or whatever. I hope that isn't the case, but it's happened many times to me, and others I know and seems to be the pattern with many men.

And re the self esteem point, I have massive self esteem. I think more of myself than anyone I know. Despite that I have found this significantly eroded in my dealings with a constant stream of fuckwits and wannabe players when OD, and I think it would be the same for anyone!

Walkacrossthesand Wed 08-May-13 00:27:23

Exactly, waffly - if we want to stay in touch, we do. A couple of days of silence maybe, especially for guys -' love is for a man a thing apart - for a woman 'tis her whole existence' as someone commented a couple of hundred years ago!

Walkacrossthesand Wed 08-May-13 00:30:26

Before I dabbled in OD, I used to think that at least it removed the 'already attached' men from the picture, unlike meeting people IRL. Now I know better...

Hissy Wed 08-May-13 08:27:53

With respect love, you're the one posting on an internet forum, for a 'relationship' of only 2 dates duration, worrying after radio silence for 2 days!

That's panicking! Who cares if he calls/texts. Why on earth are you placing all your eggs in one basket for the sake of a few hours in this stranger's company?

GO OUT with others! It'll help you to stop fixating on one person! I bet he's not exclusive yet, which is probably why you didn't hear from him over the BH weekend.

You don't have the experience to safely navigate this, not with your current mindset. Any Tom Dick or Harry can be who you need them to be in the first few weeks/months. Give it 3m before you decide if it's serious/exclusive or not.

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