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Do you think I am boring

(63 Posts)
Dontspeak Sat 04-May-13 16:53:43

I am quite happy sitting in on a Saturday night watching tv but my oh feels it necessary to go out socialising fri, sat and sun night. When I say I don't fancy going anywhere he says I'm boring and we end up having a row. Then end up going out anyway.
He has been working today and now in the pub. If he has more than 3 pints he starts nit picking with me.
We are supposed to be going to a 50th birthday of someone he has recently met. They are all big drinkers, I don't drink at all and don't like my oh when he has had 2 much to drink.
I don't want to go.
We are both mid 40s. Am I being boring

Dontspeak Sat 04-May-13 16:56:04

Forgot to add that I have suffered with anxiety and panic attacks for 2 years and am on medication.
My oh is not sympathetic or understanding. In fact if I have had a bad day be just rolls his eyes at me.

UnrequitedSkink Sat 04-May-13 16:57:12

You're not boring, you're just with someone who has different ideas about what constitutes a good time! I couldn't go out 3 nights in a row, I'd be exhausted! Is this every weekend?

UnrequitedSkink Sat 04-May-13 16:57:47

He's being very selfish. Can he not go out on his own?

currentlyconfuseddotcom Sat 04-May-13 16:59:32

No, not boring.

What Skink said, can he not go on his own?

Walkacrossthesand Sat 04-May-13 17:02:42

I reserve a special dislike for the culture of 'if you're not getting half cut/bladdered/rat-arsed/--insert chosen unpleasant description of drunken-ness here-- then you are borrrring' - but sadly it's very prevalent. Is there any scope at all for finding middle ground - you'll agree to go because you know he wants to, but he agrees (out of respect for your wishes) to leave earlier than he might otherwise, and restrict his drinking because (a) you dont like the way he is when he's drunk; and (b) a hangover wipes out the next day. If the truth is its the drinking he likes, then that's a drink problem. I suspect there's also a respect problem..,

Branleuse Sat 04-May-13 17:03:02

dump him

FarBetterNow Sat 04-May-13 17:07:08

You are not boring.
You are an adult.
He probably has a drink problem.

Beamur Sat 04-May-13 17:10:53

I rarely go out on those nights now either! I think your OH is being rather boorish & it doesn't sound like you both have the same idea of 'fun'.
If he also starts 'nit picking' every time he has a drink you have a bigger problem.

TheseFoolishThings Sat 04-May-13 17:14:38

I completely understand OP and no, you're not boring. Just like walk said - I too have a bit of trouble understanding people with a compulsion to go out, get bladdered, act like fuckwits and then post it all over FB the next day. This type also seem to have a new 'best friend' every five minutes. I suspect beneath it all lies a deep sense of unhappiness with some aspect of themselves. Your DH needs to listen to you in this as well and a compromise must be found.

I have read your previous thread and its not you, its him. He however, has you where he wants you i.e at rock bottom. He is the root cause of your anxiety and panic attacks.

It sounds too like all his best friends are drinkers like he.

Dontspeak Sat 04-May-13 17:23:38

We are already going out for dinner with friends tomorrow evening.
Which will be lovely. I enjoy that.
I am not really a pub person. I will go if we are meeting up with friends for a couple of hours.
But this do tonight is not my thing at all. The people are quite clicky and all big drinkers. I end up feeling such a party pooper.
I would prefer to stay home but I know that will cause a problem so I will end up going.
I enjoy the cinema , theatre, afternoon tea etc my oh is not interested in doing anything like that.

ImperialBlether Sat 04-May-13 17:27:31

I don't think it's that you have different interests that's the problem, but rather the fact he makes you feel bad because you want different things to him.

How does he treat you in other ways?

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 04-May-13 17:29:18

You're not boring at all.

He sounds boring. Really tedious. Just pub, pub, pub. How fucking dull.

And he obviously has no empathy or understanding - that's a dull, dead end right there.

Don't stay with him, he sounds appalling and he's making you feel crap.

Theatre, cinema, afternoon tea - you sound fab!

Walkacrossthesand Sat 04-May-13 17:47:47

Sounds like your OH isn't interested in doing anything that doesn't involve drinking...You clearly don't make him do things he doesn't want to do, but he feels able to insist that you accompany him even though you won't enjoy it. I'd offer him a trade - youre not going tonight , you expect him to go with you eg to a film one day soon to 'earn some credits' - when he's done so (and hence shown willing), you'll reciprocate on a one-for-one basis.

Dontspeak Sat 04-May-13 17:54:10

As predicted he has come home and said so what are we doing tonight. Don't forget we have been invited to the 50th birthday.
I said oh is that somewhere u really want to go because I don't fancy it.
"We'll I'm not staying in and watching tv" so I said do u want to go on your own
No not really
You don't ever want to do anything. Fucks sake....
I said to be honest I don't know that many people there is there anyone going I get on with
His response" you don't get on with anyone"
This isn't true.
Stalemate
I will have to go or suffer sulking

Beamur Sat 04-May-13 18:12:55

Let him sulk, you're not stopping him from going.
I'd much rather go to the cinema or theatre :-)

Loulybelle Sat 04-May-13 18:17:06

Fuck him, he can sulk and ruin his own night, he sounds boring and unculture, is he afraid to go out on his own?

acrabadabra Sat 04-May-13 18:18:23

I'd let him sulk and go off to the pictures on my own tomorrow when he's hungover and being boring himself.

How old is he that he can't go alone? If you're so boring why does he even want you to go? Why are you with someone with whom you share no interests?

I don't often post on these threads but he sounds like an arse. Does he have any redeeming features?

Punkatheart Sat 04-May-13 18:21:39

Stay and play with us my darling. I am sitting in about to watch Doctor Who. We can all be boring together.

orangeandemons Sat 04-May-13 18:22:07

Seems like he's an extrovert and you're an introvert, so different temperaments.

Fwiw I can't think of anything worse than going out 2 nights in a row. Well even one night tbhgrin

TheseFoolishThings Sat 04-May-13 18:57:09

Nothing wrong with an introvert/extrovert pairing as long as one is sympathetic to the other. OP has already said he can go on his own but no - he has to bully her into going when she doesn't want to OR she'll suffer the sulks for however long. Fucking appalling behaviour.

Walkacrossthesand Sat 04-May-13 19:02:46

Here's the thing, OP. substitute 'you can' for 'do you want to' in the dialogue above - it makes a totally different conversation eg 'you can go on your own' (his choice, not your problem) not 'do you want to go on your own'. Sounds like you've become accustomed to walking on eggshells around this man.

ChasingStaplers Sat 04-May-13 19:16:31

What a big baby sulking because you don't want to go.
Why can't he go on his own? He's a grown man!
I'm sorry you have to put up with this OP.
My ex used to play games like this and he'd also agree to me going out without him and then give me absolute grief when I got home (always as agreed, always during the day). I ended up treading on eggshells (this was one small part of his wholly abusive and appalling treatment of me).

How is he apart from with this issue?

flippinada Sat 04-May-13 19:17:32

You don't sound boring at all. Your H's idea of a fun sounds like my idea of hell. Out three nights in a row, getting pissed? Urgh.

However, that wouldn't so much of a problem if he then just said 'ok, never mind, see you later' and went on his own, would it?

But no, he has to bully you into going too. Why?

flippinada Sat 04-May-13 19:27:38

Re-reading I see others have flagged this up as potentially abusive behaviour. I have an EA ex and he used to play silly mind games like this as well.

I would be bullied into going out when I didn't want to and the either one of two things would happen. Either I stood my ground and I received the silent treatment, sulks or else I would give in and go, then be ignored for the entire evening.

Oh, and I was allowed out with my friends but on the few occasions I did go out by myself there would always be a subsequent "punishment" (sulking, silent treatment, engineering rows).

lemonstartree Sat 04-May-13 19:36:35

a man who has no interest in theatre, cinema or other activities that DO NOT INVOLVE ALCOHOL has a drinking problem.

he is boring , not you

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Sat 04-May-13 19:41:02

Why don't you throw his argument back at him?

Say you're sick of sitting in some boring grotty pub getting pissed boring weekend after boring weekend and you'd rather do something interesting and frankly a little more cultured with your time and no you will not be bullied into going!

Anniegetyourgun Sat 04-May-13 19:53:12

A cynic might wonder whether it's so he will have someone to mind his wallet and make sure he gets home in one piece after the evening's over-indulgence.

ALittleStranger Sat 04-May-13 20:12:45

"Boring" isn't some objective thing. We could tell you if you were fat or not, but not if you're boring.

Are you bored? if you're happy and satisfied with your social life and interests then you are not boring.

The problem is though that your DH does appear to find you a bit boring. His concept of fun and interesting might seem terribly borish or immature to most posters here, but if it's what he likes and wants you to do it together than you have a problem. It's just not necessarily your problem.

Dontspeak Sat 04-May-13 20:29:55

Well he has lost his rag.

I said it would be nice if we did things that I like doing occasionally.
His response 'you don't ever want to do anything
I said I will go with you tonight and another time you come with me.
He said dont bother I don't want you to Di anything under sufferance.
You stay in and watch tv and I'm going out.

He has shouted and sworn at me
I'm a fucking joke

Sooooo pissed off with his attitude

Loulybelle Sat 04-May-13 20:31:06

You still wanna be this moody fucker now?

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 04-May-13 21:11:38

He's a worthless prick OP. Dump him.

Helltotheno Sat 04-May-13 21:35:33

Sigh... nothing to see here OP, nothing worthwhile anyway, so best move on...

I get the impression though, you're not ready to do that. If not, at least get some sort of a life of your own and go out without him. You'll see then that he's the boring one.

TheseFoolishThings Sat 04-May-13 21:46:45

I'm afraid I agree with Hell. You don't sound as though you've yet reached the point where you know beyond any doubt that the way he's treating you is not ok and that you can do so much better. But it is, and you can. Is there a reason that you particularly want to stick with him?

Walkacrossthesand Sat 04-May-13 23:28:59

Oh dear - sounds like my suggestion of trying to negotiate that you both do things you like sometimes, rather than it always being what he wants to do or you're boring fell flat. Is the whole relationship run on his terms, OP?

Dontspeak Sun 05-May-13 01:09:54

I ended up going to the party. Our son (18) witnessed the argument. So I ended up giving in. I tried to talk to h on the way but he doesn't see where I am coming from at all.

He had loads to drink, has been nasty to me and is now asleep.

We have been together for 22 years. Yes the whole relationship is on his terms. He is controlling.
He uses the anxiety against me.
I do know that it's not healthy and my therapist says that he is the one causing the anxiety. But I don't know how to get out of this situation

WafflyVersatile Sun 05-May-13 01:54:02

By dumping him.

ChasingStaplers Sun 05-May-13 04:11:52

I'm afraid wafflyversatile is probably right. My anxiety issues were due to being with a controlling/abusive man and I lost all confidence in my ability to do/cope with anything (apparently I was crap at everything, no one liked me, i was a 'nutter' or a 'psychopath' if I questioned him and I wasn't fit to look after the children. The only reason I struggled was because of him!)

If I were you OP I'd start thinking about what you want and how to make yourself happy.

Nehru Sun 05-May-13 07:41:05

I think you sound a bit boring tbh. Why can't you just go for a bit ?
At least he wants you there to be with him. Threads like this are normally "he never goes out with me" etc

How about a visit to a solicitor? Check out the Cba website?

This is about him being a bully, not you liking to do different things. You don't have to put up with this.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 05-May-13 07:56:21

Yeah nehru, all his abusiveness which causes her anxiety issues - sod that, right? She should just be more fun! hmm

RTFT

ZaraW Sun 05-May-13 08:09:11

I don't think you are boring at all either. Can you join a group so that you can explore your own interests and go out with him say once a week. Doesn't seem fair that he is not willing to share your own likes.

ilovewoody Sun 05-May-13 09:30:53

My exH was exactly like this. Only ever wanted to do things that involved drink and didn't care one bit that I wanted to do different things. Even if I managed to persuade him to go out for a nice meal he would get as drunk as he possible could by drinking lots of wine then a liqueur then a " nightcap" just so he could throw as much down his neck as possible.

He was a horrible, aggressive drunk. 3 years ago I had enough and left him. Best thing I ever did. No need to stay with a crap man.

You deserve better than him. Even being on your own is better than that. Good luck x

Dontspeak Sun 05-May-13 21:20:09

So today I suggested we go for marriage counselling together. He said absolutely no way would he go.
I spoke to our 18 year old today about all the arguments he has heard.
I hate that he is being involved. And I know I have involved him by asking his opinion. And of course he doesn't want to be disloyal to either of us. But it's so frustrating. I feel as if I am banging my head against a wall.
I haven't the courage to leave.
I am not sleeping. I know it's making my anxiety worse.
I just wish I knew what to do

Chubfuddler Sun 05-May-13 21:30:50

You don't need courage to leave. It's staying in a relationship like this that needs inhuman reserves of courage. Leaving is a cake walk compared to the cognitive dissonance you're pulling off daily.

Dontspeak Sun 05-May-13 21:37:21

The thing is it isn't consistent.

Yesterday he was swearing at me and today he brings me cup of tea in bed and is good morning darling how did you sleep?

I am finding myself snapping at him.
He has been in the pub for 2 hours this afternoon before meeting friends for a meal this evening.
He is now snoring and farting on the sofa next to me. Oh joy

Chubfuddler Sun 05-May-13 21:39:33

Of course it isn't consistent. If he was a cunt every minute of every day you'd have shipped out long ago. It's called the cycle of abuse.

2712 Sun 05-May-13 21:57:44

YOU are not boring!
My DH was exactly the same. Not the drinking so much as always wanting me to do stuff he enjoyed. HE loved the soaps.....I despised them so we never watched tv together. Apparantly that made me boring as EVERYBODY loves and watches the soaps.
I became bored with listening to the same old pop music on the radio and started listening to radio 4......apparantly that made me boring old fart.
Every New Years Eve we all stayed up till midnight to see Big Ben on tv (3 yound DCs) and every year he sighed and moaned that all "normal" people were out in the pub or at parties celebrating whilst he was stuck at home with us.
Get rid of him asap as he is the boring one, not you. Follow your interests and stop trying to appease this arse.

2rebecca Sun 05-May-13 22:37:58

You both sound as though you have different interests and want different things from life. He sounds as though he has an alcohol problem. You sound as though you are using mental health issues as a reason to stay with a bloke whose company you no longer enjoy. You may find you're less anxious if you're not putting up with his alcoholic strops. Your son is now an adult, you have a job so I presume have some money you could live on. You can't change your partner, he'll continue to be a bloke who likes to drink alot and socialise with others like him but want to drag you along to bolster his image.
You either continue as you are, stay living with him but refuse to go to events you don't enjoy and tell him to go alone, or discuss separation.
If you've only had anxiety and panic attacks for 2 years it should be treatable with CBT. You won't get your confidence back by allowing yourself to be bullied. You're an adult, you don't have to go out if you don't want to. If he wants to go out you aren't stopping him, why is he so reluctant to go alone? His desire to make you miserable by dragging you along just sounds controlling and sadistic.

Dontspeak Sun 05-May-13 23:12:39

I work from home but it is not regular income. We don't have joint accounts so actually I don't have access to money.
I have a credit card for groceries and petrol that he pays off.
We are not short of money.
He is jealous and insecure. I used to be outgoing. We have been together 22 years.
His moods are the biggest problem for me. I have told him. He is very negative.
I am walking on eggshells but like I said earlier it isn't consistent. Then I doubt myself

EvenBetter Sun 05-May-13 23:21:29

Head over to the Emotional Abuse thread to get your eyes opened. He is consistent in that he is consistently drunk, sulky, hostile, rude and disrespectful and then behaves in a barely civil manner (tea! Wow what a charmer). After 2decades of this drudgery you've normalised it and sadly so will your son sad

AnyFucker Sun 05-May-13 23:30:30

Your oh sounds like a nasty twat and you would do well to DTF

bestsonever Sun 05-May-13 23:34:26

22 years, how many more? Lots until you see the light. How may of these 22 years have you been waiting for him to change? There is no advice that will make him change, you can however, alter what you do about it.
You could start by doing what you want and ignore his reaction to it as you don't have to justify what you do, you don't have to force him to do things with you and you don't have to keep the piece by doing his thing -all choices you can make. Say nothing,silence can speak volumes, just do your own thing, takes two to argue. You don't have to play his game anymore.

Whatalotofpiffle Sun 05-May-13 23:38:45

My ex was like that and I am like you. Not boring at all and ex is now ex as I realised how actually fantastic I was! Ha ha

Dontspeak Mon 06-May-13 11:18:54

Thank you for the replies.

If I wasn't the one posting my reply would be the same. When you are living it you question everything.
Did it really happen like that?

LimitedEditionLady Mon 06-May-13 15:42:47

Do you think your husband is upset because he wants you to go as a couple?will people ask where you are if you dont go places with him?there have been times my oh wouldnt come places with me and you do get a lot of "wheres your oh?".had your anxiety stopped you going to these things before and he wishes you were there together? My oh gets really drunk when i dont go out with him buts its like he doesnt know what to do except be a bit ott on the drink and get mashed.perhaps he sees others out in couples and wishes his lady was with him?
Doesnt mean youre boring cos i like just having a meal and i dont drink but i still have fun.id just go along a bit more to things if you feel up to it but make sure you and him do things that you want to aswell and more times let it be something you want to do!

Lizzabadger Mon 06-May-13 16:05:14

He sounds like a nasty bully. I'd leave him, personally.

Chubfuddler Mon 06-May-13 16:52:14

hmm at "his lady".

Perhaps you should try putting a ribbon in your hair before he comes home op.

LimitedEditionLady Mon 06-May-13 18:26:18

What is wrong with people? So how is saying his lady bad? In fact dont tell me because its stupid.

cupcake78 Mon 06-May-13 18:38:38

Your not boring! Infact I would find you significantly more interesting than your 'I need a drink and others to have a good time' dh.

The older I get (35) I am beginning to lose respect for people who have the attitude of 'your boring if you don't drink yourself stupid' brigade. Personally I can think of nothing worse than going out and drinking every weekend. I haven't been drunk for the last 18 months out of choice because I don't like the person it turns me into or the after effects.

There is so much more to life than pubs and drinking.

LimitedEditionLady Mon 06-May-13 18:42:52

Do drunk people irritate you?i get really impatient with it.amd i also dont get why people want to spend so much money on a drink?and also are they really that thirsty?if they got a lemonade would they need ten lemonades?

Branleuse Mon 06-May-13 18:56:07

if he is bored of you, that doesnt make YOU boring. you have grown apart.
I would hate to socialise 3 nights a week. could potentially cope with one. Dont you find it boring that he pisses off out all the time?

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