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Partners leaving me in the morning

(62 Posts)
VitoCorleone Fri 03-May-13 22:39:55

We've been agruing for weeks and tonight he told me he cant take it anymore, says im clingy and controlling and he doesnt want to be with me anymore, doesnt want to waste any more of his life with me, and he's leaving.

Im sat in bed crying. He's downstairs.

CaptainSweatPants Fri 03-May-13 22:42:15

sad

If you've been arguing for weeks might it be a good thing though

ImperialBlether Fri 03-May-13 22:43:39

How long have you been together? Do you have children together?

WishIdbeenatigermum Fri 03-May-13 22:44:11

Weeks is too short. Do you think he honestly thinks you're controlling, or does he just not like being told what to do? What else is going on in your lives?

MaryRobinson Fri 03-May-13 22:45:05

I'm sorry you're feeling sad... But I'd never ever give anyone the satisfaction if seeing me mope about them. Time to fake being as controlled and dignified as possible, otherwise you'll cringe in a few months when you remember.

I can't imagine you would want to be with a person who either (a) does think those things about you or (b) doesn't think them but wants you to believe that's what your like.

We'll be here to see you right

VitoCorleone Fri 03-May-13 22:45:52

He says he's been thinking about it all week but didnt want to end it til after the holiday abroad we have booked, then said that he wasnt intending on getting drunk and telling me the truth.

I can hear him on the phone downstairs booking a hotel.

VitoCorleone Fri 03-May-13 22:47:53

Been together 5 years, 2 kids together. I have social anxiety disorder so have, in truth, been clingy. We've been on shaky ground for the past 2 year to be honest

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 22:50:56

I went to check your previous threads because your nickname rang a bell.

From experience, living with someone with anxiety issues is not easy at all.

Have you managed to find therapy? Are the meds working at all? They can be hell, particularly if not taken regularly.

Perhaps him taking some time away is the best for you two, but he shouldn't be leaving you "holding the baby".

Perhaps you could go for couple's counselling, or he could try and find some support too?

VitoCorleone Fri 03-May-13 23:00:15

Im still on the meds and feel slightly better but im still waiting to see a therapist.

I just went downstairs to have a fag out the back door and he didnt speak to me or look at me and i just thought "why am i crying over somebody who's just told me he doesnt want me" i feel hurt, upset and angry.

He's just sent me a text from downstairs saying sorry for saying he didnt love me anymore, because he does but cant carry on like this anymore.

Thats it over

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 23:07:13

Have you been able to talk to him about your relationship and your feelings?

He doesn't seem very caring, but it's not possible to evaluate without having witnessed your relationship.

VitoCorleone Fri 03-May-13 23:08:51

My 2 best friends are coming over tomorrow once he's gone

Skinnywhippet Fri 03-May-13 23:08:57

No I don't think it is over.

Skinnywhippet Fri 03-May-13 23:09:21

What does an anxiety disorder mean In practical terms?

VitoCorleone Fri 03-May-13 23:12:01

He isnt very caring really, often giving me "home truths" about myself, that im a loner, have no life, im miserable, that he's mr perfect and i do everything wrong.

I think he knows my MN nickname but in all honesty i dont give a fuck if he reads this, he's been a coldhearted bastard with me tonight. In vino veritas and all that

ElectricSheep Fri 03-May-13 23:13:12

Don't panic OP. He obviously needs a break but it may not be final. He obviously still cares for you a lot to send that text.

It may be that you need to use this time apart to get yourself on an even keel and your anxiety under control. This may turn out to be a good thing that moves you forward. In the meantime this weekend try to be kind to yourself and do something that will help you feel better in the short-term, like planning a few nice treats for yourself and DC.

Have you got some rl support you can call on as well as mn?

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 23:14:15

Does he still do it after knowing about the disgnosis?

VitoCorleone Fri 03-May-13 23:15:03

It is over. He's had enough for the last 2 years, he's nearling 30 now and feels he's wasting his life with me. Well he can fuck off.

Social Anxiety, basically i get really anxious in social situations, so going out for meals etc sets me off, i still do it but it makes me anxious, and i just hate going anywhere, so yes i have been clingy with him, i admit it sad but its definatley over, trust me.

Triumphoveradversity Fri 03-May-13 23:18:00

I may be wrong but there is the distinct possibility that him criticising you is making your anxiety far worse. I am not saying he is the root cause but all the bad feeling and stress between the two of you will not be helping.

VitoCorleone Fri 03-May-13 23:18:13

Yep ive been told just this week that im a loner and have no life. Its definatley over, we've split up in the past a couple of times and we said that next time it would be final.

In the past its me who ended it, now he's ended it i know for sure, 100% its over for good.

ElectricSheep Fri 03-May-13 23:19:39

Sure you are right TRiumph. It must be hard to live with for both of you OP. But criticism and moodiness can be very stressful and draining and won't help anyone's mental state.

VitoCorleone Fri 03-May-13 23:19:52

Triumph - no doubt about it, my feelings of not being normal werent exactly helped by his picking at my personality

ElectricSheep Fri 03-May-13 23:20:48

How about getting out of the house this weekend OP? Could you stay with anyone for a couple of nights to get support and a bit of distance and rest?

Fairylea Fri 03-May-13 23:23:04

This might sound odd but maybe him leaving is for the best. Does it matter if you don't like going out for meals or are a bit of a loner? If that's how you are and you're getting help for the general anxiety then that's fine. He has no right to make you feel bad about.that.

I am a loner. I don't have or want real life friends. I enjoy my own space or time with dc and dh and that's it. I don't like going out except with dc locally to the park etc.

I think your dh is dragging you down.

You need to be with someone who accepts you for you.. not have to bend to suit someone else.

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 23:23:56

So sorry, it does sound bad.

Eletric has a good point, if you manage it.
You may find yourself better without him.

olgaga Fri 03-May-13 23:26:17

I wouldn't be surprised if, when you get over this shock, you start to feel a hell of a lot better about yourself.

Sounds you've been dragged down by him and it's probably for the best.

VitoCorleone Fri 03-May-13 23:28:13

I was supposed to be meeting my 2 friends, but ive just text them and they're just going to come here instead.

I suppose my issues stopped him having a life, i have a thread here somewhere about how id turned into a jealous insecure monster, paranoid he would fuck off with somebody more 'normal' somebody who was outgoing and sociable like him.

Ive stopped crying at least, but dying for a fag (smoke a lot when im stressed) but cant go for one coz he's asleep downstairs and i dont smoke in the house sad

VitoCorleone Fri 03-May-13 23:34:43

Sorry for drip-feeding, my heads up my arse. Gonna try and get some sleep, have to be up with the kids in the morning

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 23:36:38

Yes, have a good rest.

VitoCorleone Sat 04-May-13 00:59:41

Cant sleep, just feel like shit. Went downstairs for my phone charger and he said he really does love me, i said you wouldnt be doing this if you loved me, he said its the truth i really do.

Doesnt change anything, he told me earlier that he doesnt want me anymore, is wasting his life with me etc so wether he loves me or not is fuckin irrelevant. He's still leaving so why even bother

ElectricSheep Sat 04-May-13 01:08:35

OMG he really does like to do the mind fuckery doesn't he? He doesn't want you but does love you. What's that all about?

I think you've got to be the stronger one here OP and insist that he goes at least temporarily. Messing about like this is so bad for your emotional and mental state. YOu need peace and rest to get on an even keel, not some immature man-child who wants to leave but also wants to love you. NO. Assert some control here OP. Tell him you don't want to hear it and to just go. You will begin to feel calmer, more in control and at peace gradually as the days go on without the uncertainty of tiptoeing round him.

ElectricSheep Sat 04-May-13 01:10:24

BTW have you tried e-cigs? They're very good, an easy way to give up while still getting the nicotine hit. No smell and can be smoked anywhere.

WishIdbeenatigermum Sat 04-May-13 07:10:27

Have a good day with your friends. thanks
It sounds like it's his loss not yours- just watch out for his mind games because it doesn't sound like he knows what he wants.

Hi Vito,

Am thinking of you this morning. If he's decided he needs to go he could be a lot more caring about the way he does it - no need to be so unpleasant. Am glad he said sorry for saying he didn't love you anymore, but he should have left it at that and not started messing with your emotions. Sounds like with his general put downs he can be emotionally abusive - saying you have no life is out of order in my book. I think splitting up is always painful but sometimes it's for the best. In time perhaps you can find someone else to spend your life with who accepts you and loves you much more for who you are, like PP said.
Glad your friends are coming over, that's great thanks Take care x

VitoCorleone Sat 04-May-13 08:16:28

Morning thanks

Well ive hardly slept and have a splitting headache from crying all night.

He came upstairs at 7am and said he's thouroughly ashamed of himself, that everything he said last night was purely out of frustration for the situation thats been going on for the last few weeks, that of course he loves me, more than he's ever loved anyone and is devestated that he upset me so much.

Said he never wants to leave me and that he'd had too much to drink, couldnt handle it and everything just boiled over. Says he still wants us to buy a house and get married, that he is going to try harder and show me that he really does apprciate me and everything we have.

Keeps saying he's ashamed of himself and couldnt possibly love anyone more than he loves me, and he hope this can be a new start for us now, and we can make it work and he can prove how much he loves me.

Well, that does sound like quite a decent apology.
How are you feeling now ?
What do you want to do ?
Sorry you didn't sleep well, hope today will be better x

PregnantPain Sat 04-May-13 08:24:48

I hope all works out for you Vito. smile flowers

VitoCorleone Sat 04-May-13 08:26:59

I feel ok, i didnt want him to leave anyway and he says he didnt either, that if he left me he'd regret it for the rest of his life, couldnt imagine not being with me and that dispite our arguments i am his best friend, and he hates that he's upset me so much, and is not going to get that drunk again. That what we have isnt worth throwing away for anything and he wants us to be together for the rest of our lives.

He just wants us to be happy again and stop arguing over things that dont matter because its not worth it and he hopes it can be a turning point for us because he knows he's taken me for granted.

So hopefully we can just sort things out, and make it work

SanityClause Sat 04-May-13 08:34:29

Okay, so now he wants to stay. I think you need to let him know how you want it to be, if he does.

Don't let him think he can blow hot and cold on you like this. He needs to come crawling back. Less of the "oh, actually, I've decided to stay" and more of the "please, I've been an arse, please will you let me stay".

Think about what you really want from him, and set those things out. Understanding of your disorder, no more putting you down, no more mindfuckery.

Let him realise he can't just do this. You are worth more than this.

Oh, and you are not a loner. Two close friends were lined up to come and see you tomorrow. You do have a life. You have two lovely children, and are starting up a business, and have lovely friends (and I'm sure there's more that I don't know about).

You are fabulous, and deserve to be treated that way. flowers

Somethingtothinkabout Sat 04-May-13 08:38:22

Vito, that's good he's apologised as what he said was definitely out of order.

I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but I'm always a bit sceptical of people who threaten break ups on their partner and then the next day say they didn't mean it. It's nasty and controlling, and it the situation escalates the next time.

By that, what I mean is that next time you've had a rough few weeks he'll say it's over, he doesn't love you, but this time will actually move out for a few days, then come back. The time after, move out a bit longer, etc.

I think you need to nip this cycle in the bud as it only leads down a destructive path and you're just dragging out the inevitable.

WilmaFingerdoo Sat 04-May-13 08:41:24

Vito, reading your thread, I really hope this works out if that's what you genuinely want but please lay your cards on the table now he has GOT to STOP pulling your personality apart. You're a loner etc. That is shit and you need to address that before moving on.

I hope it works out how you want smile

BIWI Sat 04-May-13 08:42:15

It sounds to me like you really would benefit from some couples' counselling. You obviously both love each other, but have some real issues that you need to really talk through and you need to work out a solution for both of you.

flowers

Hope you're both feeling better today.

VitoCorleone Sat 04-May-13 08:47:16

Thank you Sanity thanks smile he knows i deserve to be treated better, that i do have friends and a life, im just more of a homebird and love being with my family. And when my business is up and running then it will get me out of the house a bit more.

Something - to be fair its the first time he's ever told me he's leaving, in the past when we've split up its always been me who's ended it, he's never wanted to go ive always pushed him. Suppose thats why it was such a shock. And we've had the discussion that if we ever split again then there really is no going back, once its over its over for good. Because we cant keep doing it.

VitoCorleone Sat 04-May-13 08:49:16

He actually asked me to go to couples councilling a couple of years ago because we where on the verge of splittling, but i didnt want to. Perhaps it would be a good idea now

Lweji Sat 04-May-13 08:50:29

Good, smile but yes to all the comments.
You have to work at your condition as much as him.
Make it a condition that he researches about it, maybe together.
Even without therapy there are things you can do for yourself. Relaxation techniques, even exercises.
Would you be able to pay privately to speed it up?

But, yes, he must absolutely stop the put downs.
You both need to communicate your feelings better.
Can you tell him when you are feeling anxious? Or him telling you how he's felling?

VitoCorleone Sat 04-May-13 08:51:17

And yes we need to address the bad habits we've fallen into, like me being clingy and him putting me down. Because when all that isnt going on we are really good together

Lweji Sat 04-May-13 08:52:02

Yes, go to counselling.

VitoCorleone Sat 04-May-13 09:03:20

He's generally quite good about the anxiety, if we're in a social situation he will constantly check that im ok, and if im really not then he makes excuses and we leave.

Its just the insecurity ive developed from feeling "not normal" that is causing fights. He says i dont help my problem by staying home all day and not getting out the house more, then i get defensive and a big row starts, a lot has been said in anger and frustration recently

Lweji Sat 04-May-13 09:12:54

I agree that you should try and get out more, interact with strangers and so on, but it's easier to stay in your comfort zone.
Could you make a schedule so you have to follow it and feel obliged to?
It could be shopping (even if you don't buy anything), taking the children somewhere.

You will have to work on your communication so that you don't get frustrated, but you also have to understand that you need to put the work into your condition.
Imagine if you had to do physio, it would still hurt but you'd have to do it to regain your normal mobility.
Your H should be pushing you, but in a loving albeit firm way.
But small steps always.

I felt I had to post as I suffered from anxiety for years. I didn't really know what was wrong with me and just accepted I was "weird".

About 2 years ago I had CBT and it totally changed my life. I did everything the therapist to.d me to do (bought the books, did the relaxation techniques, exercised and most importantly "forced" myself into social situations). My life now is so much better. I have lots of new friends, a very busy social life and go away on lots of holidays with the children and also without them. Looking back I'd probably had a social anxiety for more than 20 years and it's one of those things that gets progressively worse as you start avoiding social situations, thus reinforcing the anxiety.

I could not believe how quickly the techniques started to pay off. Within 6 months I saw a massive improvement in my mood and things have just got better and better since. I did also have medication. I had Prozac at first but that just made me worse so was then put on beta blockers instead which were much better. I only needed them for around 2 or 3 months.

If you can get your doctor to refer you for CBT I can't recommend it enough. Alternatively, if you can't get a referral, I would really try and find the money to go private as it really will pay for itself many times over. I was in a group (classroom style) and absolutely everyone in the group said they'd found it so helpful.

Take care of yourself and try not to be too hard on either yourself or your partner as I know just how hard anxiety is to live with.

Lweji Sat 04-May-13 09:24:04

Just pointing out that there's nothing wrong with loving being at home, or by yourself.
Your H would probably call me a loner. smile

But social anxiety is different.

I don't have a problem dealing with anyone, enjoy meeting new people, can speak in public and so on.

The combination of enjoying being at home or by yourself and social anxiety is dangerous because you'll tend to fall more and more into your coccoon. And the anxiety will get worse.

VitoCorleone Sat 04-May-13 09:26:43

I have been reffered for CBT, still waiting for an appointment to come through, i actually had CBT 2-3 years ago for it but only went to 2 sessions before telling myself "stop being a weirdo and just get a grip" so i stopped going and stopped taking the medication (was on citalopram at the time) thinking i could sort myself out

Im now taking Sertraline, and think its helping, and am going to stick with the CBT this time.

Im also in the process of trying to set up my own business (domestic cleaning) so hopefully if i ever get any clients that will get me out of the house.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Sat 04-May-13 09:37:43

Hello Vito. I posed on your thread in chat and spotted this.

Here are some flowers and ((((hugs)))).

It is a horrible situation but I second olgaga in thinking that once you are out of this, you may start to feel much better.

I must say that I think that you are much stronger that you give yourself credit for. Just setting up your business takes guts.

Lweji Sat 04-May-13 09:52:37

Yes, but first you have to get out there and get the clients.
Getting out and about now will give practice to actually talk confidently to prospective clients.
Be proactive and try to get a grip on delaying tactics.
How long have you been setting up your business for?

VitoCorleone Sat 04-May-13 10:14:53

I decided to set it up last month, as i think getting a job will help me but because of my partners shifts it would be hard to get hours that suited us as i would have to put our youngest in childcare and oldest too as he's only part time at nursary.

So i thought it would be better to be my own boss and i actually enjoy cleaning.

Ive had flyers and a website made up and have put flyers out, im also paying for an ad on yell.com which should go live this month when they get the first payment and bump me to the top.

Despite my anxiety i have big ambitions and one day hope to have a big cleaning company with employees

Dp keeps sayinf how sorry he is for last night, that its made him realise what he almost lost, that we really have a good life together when we are not arguing and that he'd never find anyone better than me. He's very sincere.

VitoCorleone Sat 04-May-13 10:32:57

Oh but people are obviously seeing my advert because ive just had a letter and cv in the post from somebody looking for a job.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Sat 04-May-13 10:35:41

Just caught up with your thread here.

Do make sure you both address your so called shortcomings.

Being dangled like a yoyo, I am leaving you / I am not leaving you, is soul destroying. Well it would be for me.

superstarheartbreaker Sat 04-May-13 10:44:55

Well I'm not surprised you are anxious with his put downs. Loner? Really? This dosn't have anything to do with him does it?

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Sat 04-May-13 11:00:37

Btw I mean he must address his shortcomings, not both of you addressing your only... Putting you down is not on.

VitoCorleone Sat 04-May-13 11:52:45

Well hopefully we can start to work on our relationship now, we both want to make it work. We're getting out on sunday night to see a comedian, so looking forward to that, we dont get much 'couple time' away from the kids, and im not into nights out on the town or anything like that. He's suggested once a month we try and have a child free night if we can get a babysitter and just spend more quality time together

RandomMess Sat 04-May-13 11:57:20

Please please book and go and see a good relationship counsellor it sounds like you both need a safe environment to be open and honest about how you feel about the situation and unlearn bad habits.

Lweji Sat 04-May-13 12:59:54

That's good Vito.

Have you looked at transactional analysis? You and your H could read a book together. It helps to make us understand the roles we take when dealing with other people. Sometimes we get stuck in the same roles, and changing the way we talk can help bring those relationships to "adult" status. Where we don't put people down, for example, but don't take the "child" role either.
Check en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis. I got a book about it from my local library.

It has surprisingly helped me deal with my mother for example.

But however you deal with the problems in your marriage, as well as your personal issues, it should be something you do together. He has to take an active role, including in dealing with his attitude towards you.

BTW, it's a good thing you are ambitious. And good luck with your business. It may take a while to pick up, and now it's not the greatest of times, but do stick to it. smile
Sadly ex was basically just lazy and a twat. sad

VitoCorleone Sat 04-May-13 18:07:37

Good link Lweji interesring reading. One sentance on there stuck out to me

people decide their story and destiny, therefor these decisions can be changed

Dont know why but reading that felt positive.

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