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My ex is down stairs refusing to leave what can i do

(78 Posts)
SummersComing1111 Fri 03-May-13 21:47:12

My ex came round for a chat about DS access we have been getting on well, long story short got into a row he lost him temper now he is refusing to leave! Im upstairs with DS to get away , how can i get him out ???

JumpingJackSprat Fri 03-May-13 21:47:45

Call the police?

ChocHobNob Fri 03-May-13 21:48:19

Do you have a mobile on you? Phone the police.

WhereMyMilk Fri 03-May-13 21:48:31

Police now

Hareseeker Fri 03-May-13 21:48:35

Do you feel threatened?

tourdefrance Fri 03-May-13 21:48:38

call 999

SummersComing1111 Fri 03-May-13 21:49:05

I thought that but what can i say i invited my ex ran we got in a row now he wont go they will laugh at me

SummersComing1111 Fri 03-May-13 21:49:34

No aslong a i dont row with him

Hareseeker Fri 03-May-13 21:49:47

No they won't, a child is involved

MisForMumNotMaid Fri 03-May-13 21:50:06

They wont laugh. He has overstepped the boundaries. They are skilled at this

FannyFifer Fri 03-May-13 21:51:14

They will remove him, police now.

MisForMumNotMaid Fri 03-May-13 21:51:27

They would rather be called and not needed than the situation escalates.

No one has the right to make you feel threatened In Your home.

Can you call anyone else, a friend, neighbour, family mamber?

Hareseeker Fri 03-May-13 21:52:40

Mis is right, get some RL help

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 21:52:58

Police.
He overstepped his boundaries.
If you allowed a builder home and then he refused to leave you'd call the police too.

WeAreEternal Fri 03-May-13 21:54:35

They won't laugh, they will send someone round to have a chat with him, and remove him if necessary.

Don't be scared or embarrassed. You need to show your SBEX that you are not scared or intimidated by his pathetic immature behaviour.

marthastew Fri 03-May-13 21:57:20

They will take you seriously. They will arrive in a flash and remove him. Please call them now.

MisForMumNotMaid Fri 03-May-13 21:58:23

They wont come in all heavy handed. They will be firm but polite. They will have record of their visit.

Please don't feel silly or embarrassed. That's for him to feel. He's the fool. He has no right to act in this aggressive way in your home.

Do you have anyone else to call if not the police (but they wouldn't mind)

whatamardarse Fri 03-May-13 21:58:49

This infuriates me! My ex used to play this game, until me and dd actually had to leave the house and go to a relatives even if she was in her pj's.

It's purely a control thing. The first time I phoned police was also the last time he pulled that trick! He was out the house waaaay before they came. They were fine and drove past a couple of times incase he came back.

Phone police.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 03-May-13 22:00:16

of course you must phone the police. Someone is behaving in a threatening manner and refusing to leave.

StrangeGlue Fri 03-May-13 22:00:32

Call the police. They'll come round but polite and remove him. It's not okay what he's doing and they'll take you seriously.

Dahlen Fri 03-May-13 22:02:59

I can tell you on good authority call the police and he will be made to leave. The fact that you invited him there is irrelevant. You've asked him to go and he won't. Therefore he is committing a number of crimes - trespass & behaving in a manner likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress - and that's just for starters.

If you haven't got your mobile and the phone is downstairs, open the window and shout as loudly as you can for someone else to call the police. He doesn't live there, so he has no right to be there; they will come and remove him.

deleted203 Fri 03-May-13 22:04:01

Police. Now.

You let someone into your home who is now refusing to leave, and you are upstairs with a child.

Phone the police and ask him to remove them. The fact that you invited an ex partner in for a conversation does not give him the right to be abusive, threatening and refuse to leave your home.

KansasCityOctopus Fri 03-May-13 22:04:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shlurpbop Fri 03-May-13 22:07:00

Is he still there OP? You ok?

marthastew Fri 03-May-13 22:07:48

OP, are you and your DS ok?

I know it seems like a major and drastic step to take but do call them. As soon as you know they are on their way, you'll know help is coming. When they have gone, you'll know you can take action to protect yourself and will have sent a significant message yo your ex that he cannot threaten you in this way.

Leverette Fri 03-May-13 22:11:15

Summer you have every right to ask ANYONE to leave your home at any point, regardless of whether you invited them. I hope you've called the police, they will be delighted to remove him for you.

SummersComing1111 Fri 03-May-13 22:11:34

Hes gone i told him i was gonna call the police and he left after me repeating it a few more times !! I even offered him taxi money !! Im all shock up now and worried for my DS, i stopped him seeing my son about 8 months ago because of disgusting lies about his farther that had pasted and his temper had a major trust issue with him seeing my DS and now after tonight i dont no what is best i just want to take DS and run away as far as we can go !! But i no i cant cus in the eye of the law he hasnt done anything wrong , im only 20 when did i have to grow up so fast sad i no its my own fault i never should of trusted him again ! Its just going to get worse from here i no it sad but i dont no what to do sad

hugoagogo Fri 03-May-13 22:13:49

So relieved to hear he has gone.

foolonthehill Fri 03-May-13 22:17:44

well done, you did the right thing.
It doesn't have to get worse, you need to set your own boundaries and have plans in your head so you can carry them out.

Leave it for now, cuddle DS, have a bath, cuppa/wine whatever.

When you are calm some time over the next few days, sit down and write what is/isn't allowed in your house/ with your ex and for your son. Just for you, and how you will manage to stick with the rules.

get some RL support if you can
And keep MNing...lots of virtual support for you here, and much wisdom.

MisForMumNotMaid Fri 03-May-13 22:19:22

I was much older - 33 when my now XH did to me with my babies what your X has just done to you. Its not an age thing.

No human being has the right to make another feel so threatened and vulnerable.

Do you have someone who you could call in real life for a hug?

In the meantime just as a precaution, put your mobile on charge by your bed, bolt the door/ put the key twisted in it so it can't be opened from the other side if he has a key, look in on your wonderful DS and breathe.

You've been very brave and you've survived. Right now the adrenaline is no doubt pumping in your veins but when it drains you may find you feel very drained.

Do you have plans to see anyone/ go anywhere tomorrow? Could you make some?

Glad you're okay.

SummersComing1111 Fri 03-May-13 22:21:52

It will get worse , last time after he threw a phone at me while i was holding DS he went home to his family crying saying how i had done all sorts of cruel things againts him all untrue and then when i went to a solicitors his mum wrote a letter for him saying how i have major PD and i am unable to parent again beyond untrue and was laughed at by the solicitor but the point being is that his lies are so crazy and he tell them so well im petrified to go againts him, i no deep down he isnt a good role model for my son and im scared everyday of the lies he will tell him when he grows up but i just dont no what i can do , im scared incase he comes back i dont no weather i should make a statement or even if i can ?

Shlurpbop Fri 03-May-13 22:24:08

Well done, glad he's gone and you're ok.

Keep brave. Have a good nights sleep and come back on here tomorrow for some advice - the ladies on here are so knowledgable and someone will know just what advice to give you.

SummersComing1111 Fri 03-May-13 22:24:29

And no , no RL support me an DS are pretty much on our own

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 22:27:06

Personally, I wouldn't allow him in the house again.

Would only allow supervised access and well away from the home.

In a way it's a shame you didn't actually call the police, as it would be on record.

SummersComing1111 Fri 03-May-13 22:28:53

Could i make a statement now? Im scared to go againts and say supervised access as he has come into alot of money and will just take me to court that i cant afford and in actual fact he hasnt harmed my son just lost his temper with me so that wouldnt count would it? As a valid reason?

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 22:32:46

Check with a solicitor.

Have you been in contact with WA? They may well be able to help and offer more practical advice.

At the very least do hand overs outside the house, or even away from it.

MisForMumNotMaid Fri 03-May-13 22:32:49

Have a virtual hug then.

There are many ways you can handle this, but for tonight just breathe, sit down with a brew or something a bit stronger and then try to get your head down.

You can report this to the police in the morning. You can tell them you feel threatened. They will advise you.

There are many on here who have felt alone and found company, many who have felt threatened and found strength, many who have survived abusive x's and moved on.

You will find the strength to move on but it will take time. One day at a time.

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 03-May-13 22:35:13

You've told him that you're willing to call the police now which is a huge step. That has set a boundary down that you will not allow him to play his silly games. Now, he probably will keep pushing at that boundary to test it, but now you know that you can threaten the police and don't be afraid to follow it through. Keep everything clinical and businesslike and it will become easier. Channel your scariest teacher from school!

Tomorrow, when you're feeling calmer, contact women's aid for advice about access and contact - they are very experienced and will be able to advise you on the best way to proceed with whatever you think is best - they won't tell you what to do or try to persuade you to allow or prevent access. They will just help you through the options, especially the ones which seem impossible. It doesn't matter if your ex never hit you, the way he is behaving now is enough (and I'm guessing there's a history!) they will also be able to advise whether you are eligible for legal aid as I think it would be helpful for you to see a solicitor.

I had a child at 20 too and left his father for similar reasons when I was 21,it is hard, but it's also so worth it to keep going for your son. It's not always a bad thing to grow up fast and you can still go out and "be young" sometimes! smile you sound like a lovely caring mum to me.

mummytime Fri 03-May-13 22:37:34

You can call 101, and report it, especially if you are at all scared he may return. Do you have any neighbours who may know of anything that has been going on?

Have you talked to Women's Aid.

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 03-May-13 22:38:09

X-posts.

Women's aid will support you. If he threw a phone at you when you were holding DS that is violence against DS too as it could easily have hit him. Don't underestimate your worth, lovely. You are not alone and you deserve help and you will get it if you only ask.

olgaga Fri 03-May-13 22:42:13

I think you should telephone NCDV 0844 8044 999 (24 hrs) and talk to them about the abuse and harassment you are suffering.

If you don't want to do that call Rights of Women, they have a family law legal advice line 020 7251 6577 (telephone) or 020 7490 2562 Mondays between 11am-1pm, Tuesdays and Wednesdays between 2pm-4pm and 7pm-9pm, Thursdays between 7pm-9pm and Fridays between 12noon-2pm.

If you need to get out of your current residence and make a new start elsewhere, Women's Aid/Refuge is the place to contact on 0808 2000 247 (24 hrs).

SummersComing1111 Fri 03-May-13 22:43:28

My neighbours probs heard him shouting i imagine , i was going to call womens aid before ( this is mild compared to the past history) but i though i would be wasting there time because there are women going threw soo much worse than me , im just so scared of what damage his lies could course if i went against him they are believable! I dont wont him in my sons life i dont trust him not to emotionally abuse of physically with his short fuse but my last solicitor wasnt very supportive but worked up from supervised visits to the 5 hours aweek he has now ! I wish i could take it all away for my ds i want nothing more , but im to scared of what he is capable of doing !

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 03-May-13 22:44:03

Wanted to add too. I know how it feels to be all alone after leaving a relationship like this which had destroyed all of my previous friendships. Get back in touch with people as a first resort. Then start to get out - children's centres were a lifeline for me as most of their baby/toddler groups are free. You will make some new,supportive friends. It takes a little bit of effort to build a support network but it comes. And mumsnet helps.

SummersComing1111 Fri 03-May-13 22:46:07

I want to call the help line but would i be wasting there time i just need support and advice i think

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 03-May-13 22:50:52

Call women's aid. They help and support everyone, they have no scale, nobody is more important than another. They have many different types of support too, so you wanting to ask for advice and perhaps meet with a support worker is not going to prevent a woman in an urgent situation from getting help. Please stop thinking that you aren't worth helping because you are. If you can't think about it like that yet what about your son? He is no less deserving than any other child of their help and protection.

Call them tomorrow, or on Tuesday after the bank holiday if you prefer to wait. But don't worry about calling. You do deserve help.

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 22:52:35

Don't wait for it to get really bad. Act now.
With WA, the police, whatever it takes.

olgaga Fri 03-May-13 22:53:14

OK why not call the police non-emergency number 101.

You can ask to talk to their domestic violence team and discuss it. They won't come round with blue lights flashing but they will talk to you about what's going on and give you advice.

However, I'd call NCDV (link above) if I were you.

Would it help you to leave your current home and start afresh somewhere else?

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 03-May-13 22:53:26

I probably wouldn't call in the middle of the night for a non urgent query, but in the day is fine. If you don't get through, let them call you back. They are there for advice and support smile

SummersComing1111 Fri 03-May-13 22:58:04

Iv just called NCDV they advised me to call 101 , an they are going to get a consultant to call me back he said will probs be tomorrow now hmm , i want to call 101 but is it to small of a thing ?

SummersComing1111 Fri 03-May-13 22:58:46

And yes i need to leave from where i sm he lives 10 mins walking distance away

MadBusLady Fri 03-May-13 23:09:27

It's not too small a thing. NCDV are right. 101 is a non-emergency number, you won't be causing any great uproar by calling them. It is just to log the fact that you were being intimidated in your own house by your ex. They may come round for a chat or give advice over the phone, but most importantly they will also log you as possibly being at risk from your ex. This record will help if you ever need to call the police in the future, or if you need to apply for supervised access for your DS.

SummersComing1111 Fri 03-May-13 23:15:58

I called 101 and they said he hasnt broken any laws and to call them if he comes back NCDV will call back tomorrow and womans aid is busy , i feel like no one can help me and im trapped !!

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 23:17:38

The good thing is that you are reaching for help.
You know what to do if he intimidates you again and the authorities will be on your side.

MadBusLady Fri 03-May-13 23:19:59

Hm, that's not very helpful of 101 hmm.

Is there no-one you can call to come over and stay?

Does he have a key to your place? (sorry if you've answered these Qs before and I've missed them)

SummersComing1111 Fri 03-May-13 23:36:37

No nobody to come over sad he had a key once but doesnt now unless he had one cut but iv left the key is the door just incase! I just feel like they are not taken me serious and i no this isnt the biggest deal and there are women out there going threw so much worse than i am but when this is added to everything else he has done its scary but iv never talked about it before an tried to handle it all myself!

I want to thank everyone who has posted on here tonight mumsnets is a great place made me feel less alone thank you all so much

olgaga Fri 03-May-13 23:37:58

It's a non-emergency number, and right now you're not an emergency. That's all, it's not that they're refusing to help.

Point is, if he came back you can call 999 and get him out immediately, the 101 call will be logged. The important thing is you're now in the system.

There's not much you can do at this time of night in a non-emergency situation. Talk to NCDV when they get in touch tomorrow, you'll be able to discuss it in more detail then.

For now, get a good night's sleep. Can you lock the doors?

olgaga Fri 03-May-13 23:39:26

OK so you are safe and secure tonight. Get some sleep, deal with it tomorrow.

There is help, don't be downcast that it's not immediate.

Nitey nite.

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 23:41:23

It's not so much that they don't take you seriously.
But he left, so not much they can do now.

You can tell him that he's not welcome anywhere near you, seek an injunction and so on.

Keep pushing for help and report everything he does. At some point, it will look overwhelming enough (hopefully not, if he stays away, though. smile )

SummersComing1111 Sat 04-May-13 00:01:06

Just had a knock at the door i swear my arse fell out it was the police that come to take a statement and said they will drive round a few times tonight incase the see anyone lurking i feel better now its logged and i no NCDV will be able to fill the gaps tomorrow for me ! Again thank you so much everyone all felt like real friends tonight smile ill keep u all updated tomorrow ! Night xx

Definitely call WOmen's Aid. You can get a court order to keep this man out of your house and to prevent him from harassing you in any way. You need strong walls between him and you and your child, but they are not difficult to build. He is not above the law, he is does not have superpowers and he can be made to behave himself, or he will go to prison.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 04-May-13 07:06:47

This is not a small thing, that's why you need to talk to the police. People like your ex are very dangerous because they keep getting away with relatively minor things and it escalates. Next thing you know, you're another mug shot in the Sunday Papers, 'woman killed by ex-boyfriend'....

Nip this in the bud, get the law on your side in the form of police and solicitors, and never ever let him in your home again.

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 04-May-13 10:25:30

Women's aid are, sadly, often busy these days :-( if you leave a message with your name and number they will call you back.

MadBusLady Sat 04-May-13 10:30:15

Glad to hear that, summer, hope you had a good night's sleep and that today goes well smile

perfectstorm Sat 04-May-13 10:35:11

The law has changed on legal aid for family law. Normally, you don't get it now... unless there are reported incidents of domestic violence logged with the police, when you do. If you're on a low income and are being threatened or bullied, you must report every single incident. If you don't, and the time comes when you want to restrict access and he takes you to court, not only will you not be entitled to legal aid but the courts won't know if you are being truthful about what he is like.

You have to report what he does, when he does it. That way there is a record. And you also need that record to get the legal help. So yes, report all he's done in the past to them as well.

Really sorry you're coping with this. He sounds horrible.

olgaga Tue 07-May-13 11:50:41

Hope it's going ok and NCDV have helped you by now with an injunction.

They also work with Women's Aid/Refuge as well as giving legal assistance.

SummersComing1111 Tue 07-May-13 18:26:29

Its gone really bad NCDV said i couldnt have an injunction because he hasnt hit me, womens aid just told me to go on the forum for support and all getting is nasty txts of X got a solicitor app tomorrow tho

fubbsy Tue 07-May-13 18:40:40

Sorry it's not going well summers. I hope the solicitor can give you some support. He may v!not have hit you (thank goodness) but it sounds to me like he is harassing you. There are legal steps you can take against harassment. The solicitor should be able to advise you of these.

fubbsy Tue 07-May-13 18:41:37

Don't know where that v! came from blush

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 07-May-13 18:43:56

Definitely mention it to your solicitor.

I'm sorry your having a rough time atm.

olgaga Tue 07-May-13 18:53:29

Well I really don't understand that. NCDV's own website says:

Under "Can an injunction help me?" it says An injunction is a powerful court order (non-molestation order) that prohibits an abuser from using or threatening violence against you, *or harassing, pestering or intimidating you.* If the order is breached, the police can then arrest that person immediately.

I think I'd be tempted to ring them back and read their own website to them!

Really do not understand that at all.

Charlesroi Tue 07-May-13 19:49:31

Hi summers. Can you block his number? Also, you don't have to read the texts.
Maybe you could text him back, say you'll only discuss access to your son over email, then block?
I really hope things improve for you soon.

olgaga Tue 07-May-13 19:59:52

Yes I think that's the best way.

He can't be coming into your house then refusing to leave. You don't have to have contact with him, there are contact centres if you can't arrange something through relatives.

If he sets foot in your house again just call the police first thing.

Hope you get on ok at the solicitor tomorrow.

SummersComing1111 Wed 08-May-13 08:26:33

I just dont know what to do, deep down i dont wont him to have contact with my son because i dont trust him but i dont think i would stand a chance if it went to court because all of his abuse has been towards me, the only incidents including my son was over 6 months ago when he threw at phone at me (missed) when i was holding DS and he jumped his hands while holding DS and shouting at me, he has also shouting swear words at DS for not taking a bottle but this was all a long time ago.

He has come into alot of inheritance 30 thousand and is now saying he will spend every penny to take DS away. Im petrified to go against him but with all of farther rights an things i think i will be fighting a losing battle.

I hope i get the help i need today and maybe things will be clearer hmm

fubbsy Wed 08-May-13 08:49:31

GL with your solicitor's appointment today summers. And do tell him/her all this stuff about exp's abusive behaviour that you have posted on here. Even if the abuse happened in the past, it is still relevant.

olgaga Wed 08-May-13 08:53:33

What you need to do is report every incident to the police.

I hope you get on OK today. If you are the main carer, and always have been, it is highly unlikely a court would decide it was in your son's best interests to take your son away!

You might find this useful background information.

SummersComing1111 Wed 08-May-13 08:59:36

Thank you smile can i report them all to the police even they happened months ago?

olgaga Wed 08-May-13 09:13:22

Yes I think you should write down all these incidents, with dates as accurately as you can, then ring 101 again and say you would like a visit to have all these incidents recorded because you are worried that his harassment is escalating and you fear for your safety.

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