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Am I being insecure and irrational?

(69 Posts)
maristella Fri 03-May-13 13:28:12

I have been with DP for about 6m now. Apart from a few hiccups it is a lovely relationship, the best.

But I'm really struggling with something. His friend, who I'll refer to as Ben, is really hard to deal with. When I first spent time with Ben, I had just had some truly terrible news. Ben warned me he likes to play games with people's heads confused I explained what was happening and asked him to be gentle. After a few incidences of him trying to play games, I literally begged him not to. This was in my home, he was my guest shock

I ended up in tears! Every time DP left the room he would say that I have to make damned sure that I get on with him.

The next time I spent time with him he was mostly fine, probably because he had pulled. I say mostly because we were on our way to a party, I was sat next to him in the car, and he told me he is, in his words, a sleep rapist!

The next time I saw him out socially we pretty much ignored each other. At the end of the evening he left with another friend of DPs and basically warned this guy to stay away from me as he had been watching us. There was nothing to watch!

When DP is introducing him to people he has to introduce him as his best friend, or Ben will get upset. If DP is out with other friends or with me, Ben will blank him for a while. DP often makes light of the fact that we mustn't upset Ben, and acknowledges that he is high maintenance.
DP has chosen not to discuss Ben's behaviour with him.

Last night DP and I went out for another friends bday. We ended up having a discussion about Ben, how I don't trust him. DP says I'm insecure, needy and am being nasty. I said I feel very uneasy about Ben and feel unsupported. We have pretty much broken up. I have worked so hard to remove toxic people from my life, yet here is Ben. Ben spends Xmas with DP and has announced he would be best man if we married. I don't want him in my life or anywhere near me.

maristella Fri 03-May-13 13:31:15

Sorry for the essay shock

It's just so good to be able to let it out!

Another thing: when I first spent time with Ben we mentioned a few mutual acquaintances. He told me that my friend cheats on her partner, that my SIL cheats on my brother, and is nasty about my brother at every opportunity. Why??! confused

How long have Ben and your man known each other?.

Have other people commented on their unusual friendship, what does your man get from being friends with such a person?.

Also this is not good either:-
"DP often makes light of the fact that we mustn't upset Ben, and acknowledges that he is high maintenance. DP has chosen not to discuss Ben's behaviour with him"

Now why do you think that is?. There are always reasons why. What is he so afraid of?. Why does "Ben" seem to have such a hold over your man, almost like a svengali to his muse. Your man as well is also a big part of the overall problem here.

Well doesn't he sound just delightful.
No I don't think you are being any of those things.
Think this would be a deal breaker for me too!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 13:38:13

"DP says I'm insecure, needy and am being nasty. "

Your DP is choosing Ben over you. Don't know what's going on between them but really don't stick around to be insulted by this Odd Couple any more.... You've only been going out six months. Plenty more (normal) fish in the sea

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 13:40:07

"when I first spent time with Ben ..... etc. Why??!"

Because he's a NUTTER. Judge a man by the company he keeps....

maristella Fri 03-May-13 13:44:33

DP is definitely choosing Ben. This could have been so good, but I won't be made to feel intimidated by his bloody friend.

pictish Fri 03-May-13 13:44:53

6 months in? Let him go and hang out with Ben, and find yourself someone who's best friend isn't an inapproptiate, ill mannered leech.
Total deal breaker for me.

Btw - the most alrming thing about your post isn't your desctiption of the creep Ben, but this...

I ended up in tears! Every time DP left the room he would say that I have to make damned sure that I get on with him.

And who the fuck is he to dictate? His friend upset you, and his response is to demand that you learn to like him?

He's not life partner material by any stretch of the imagination.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 13:45:05

Good for you. Let Ben keep his bed warm at night, eh? hmm

pictish Fri 03-May-13 13:45:59

Fuck Ben, and his 'fwend'.
Pair of dicks.

maristella Fri 03-May-13 13:46:03

Every time I'm invited to somewhere that Ben will be I get really anxious, it's ridiculous! This guy has so many red flags about him. Horrible

The first twelve months of a relationship are supposed to be the happiest; for whatever reasons your man is choosing Ben over you.

I'd walk away from their dysfunction as of now. You don't honestly need this dysfunctional mess in your life because you can't fix it either.

Your man also has a few red flags re him as well particularly if he's hanging onto a friend like Ben.

VanitasVanitatum Fri 03-May-13 13:47:26

Pictish I think Ben was saying that, not dp?

pictish Fri 03-May-13 13:50:51

Oh sorry yes I was Ben who said she'd better make sure to get along with him!!

Does your bf know that he said that to you? If he does and still goes on to tell you that you are the one with the issue, then it amoubts to the same really.

My problem isn't with Ben, who is just a prick, but with your bf, who insists on thrusting him in your face.

AmberLeaf Fri 03-May-13 13:52:08

Ben sounds like a nightmare

Your DP won't stand up to him, so none of this is going to change.

As fr the 'sleep rapist' comment, I wouldn't be within a million miles of a man that proudly admitted to that.

pictish Fri 03-May-13 13:54:08

Neither me.
People define themselves by the tales they tell.

EldritchCleavage Fri 03-May-13 13:55:48

They sound like a dangerous pair, to be honest. Is there anything that would get your DP to stand up to Ben the self-confessed sleep rapist?

maristella Fri 03-May-13 13:56:47

Thank you. I'm so relieved by your responses, after being told it was all my issue.
I told DP he can go spoon Ben for all I care last night wink

maristella Fri 03-May-13 13:57:28

And by the company they keep pictish

pictish Fri 03-May-13 13:58:26

Tell him to give Ben a great big kiss on his hairy ol' arse, and to never bother you with his evil twin again.

Have you given your man the Order of the Boot now?.

He and "Ben" need to be out of your life asap.

How on earth did you meet Tweedledum and Tweedledee anyway?.

Raise your own relationship bar now a lot higher.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 14:03:36

Glad you've told this boyfriend (he's not a DP really is he?) to shove it. You could, as a parting shot, call the police about Ben's 'sleep rape' confession. They're taking all kinds of old sex offences very seriously these days.

maristella Fri 03-May-13 14:13:46

No 'DP' is not the man I thought he was, not by a long shot.

maristella Fri 03-May-13 14:16:05

I would only have to tell the police about Ben's drug dealing. That's the hold he has over DP. Ben dishes out free weed in return for DPs company. Pathetic

maristella Fri 03-May-13 14:19:35

Now it all makes sense huh? DP likes free weed more than he likes me, and he will protect his source. It doesn't matter what our plans are, if Ben wants to see DP our plans are cancelled, because we can't upset Ben.

pictish Fri 03-May-13 14:29:41

You can do sooooo much better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 14:38:36

Get shot of the pair of them. They're not worth wasting time on.

maristella Fri 03-May-13 14:40:17

Thank you. Onwards and upwards! While all my dreams go down the pan. DP isn't going to change. I had no problem with him having the odd spliff, but it's more than that. He puts it before me feeling safe, and I don't feel safe around Ben.

HairyGrotter Fri 03-May-13 14:41:37

Ben sounds like a cunt, as does your DP, if I'm honest. I would NOT tolerate being intimidated or spoken to in that manner, and the fact your DP even wants to hang out with this colossal bellshine screams NUTTER!

You can usually judge a person by the company they keep, I'd run, and not look back. But, if you do bump into Ben again, poke him in the eye for me.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 03-May-13 14:42:31

This person you call dp is nothing of the sort.

'Ben' isn't even the problem. This boyfriend of yours is. his choices. His reactions. his priorities.

Run like the bloody wind. He's not worth it.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 03-May-13 14:43:03

meant to ask - is this Ben in love with your (ex I hope) boyfriend?

maristella Fri 03-May-13 14:52:54

I still refer to him as DP because I can't be arsed to think of an alternative! I know it's over. Last night we argued, he was angry and spiteful. I made it very clear that I won't do this, I won't have this bullshit in my life, and said he'd made his choice. I gave him a blanket and went to bed. Fucking woke up next to him. Who am I kidding? He has no fucking respect for me!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 14:54:04

You don't live together do you?

maristella Fri 03-May-13 15:03:49

Thankfully not. No, he lives with his mother. What a catch. He also owes me £200, and I really need it back hmm
I've been a fool

Why was I not surprised to see that this bod lives with his mother. He has also chosen his weed provider over you; no wonder he wants "Ben" around. Both he and "Ben" are wastes of oxygen.

I do not think you will see your £200 returned either.

You know that relationship bar you have or should have by now - raise it a lot bloody higher as of now!.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 15:19:15

Smokes dope, has an offensive/paranoid/druggie friend who he prefers to you, gets in your bed against your wishes and sponges cash off you into the bargain... In what universe was this ever actually 'a lovely relationship, the best'...?

BabsAndTheRu Fri 03-May-13 15:26:14

You are well rid of both of them. Immature pricks. Man I'm getting angry for you. If anyone ever treats you like this again you tell them to fuck the fuck off. Hello I'm Ben and I play mind games, nice to meet you Ben now fuck off wanker and take yer pal with you.

maristella Fri 03-May-13 15:40:30

I feel angry too. I'm veering between angry and really gutted. I'm so gutted hmm
I'm into the last hour at work, so wi reply properly from home. I can't wait to get home!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 03-May-13 16:04:55

You can't think of an alternative?
Ex is an alternative!
So is arsehole!

Not good that he crawled into your bed when you were sleeping. Yet more proof if proof were needed that he doesn't give a shit how you feel about anything.

maristella Fri 03-May-13 16:06:10

Wanky bastard shit of an ex!! Can't put all my rage and bitter disappointment into just a few letters confused

maristella Fri 03-May-13 16:07:23

Ben loving bastard?
Ben's bit?
Ben's little crack whore?
Drug loving tosser?

Too many to choose from!

melbie Sat 04-May-13 00:11:33

Your ex sounds like an idiot. Ben sounds like a psychopath. You are definitely better off out of it!

StarsdontShine Sat 04-May-13 00:23:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I was going to say, 200 quid is a bargain. A very cheap lesson in wankers. Watch this twunt, though. I went out with someone years ago who had a boyfriend like Ben. When I dumped the BF, my ex-BF's Ben tried to do all sorts of weird and head-fucky stuff. Including putting a dead animal in my possessions.

maristella Sat 04-May-13 12:03:09

That is exactly what I can imagine Ben doing! But also I think he would try it on confused nasty little man. I am scared of him.
I have a massive hangover brew

TurnipCake Sat 04-May-13 12:12:00

God, they're both utter bellends

Run for the hills and don't look back, I wouldn't even bother trying to collect the money, it's not worth it

I'm sure my ex-B's Ben would have tried it on too. Weird, repressed creep he was.

Sorry about the hangover. Have a brew on me.

Loulybelle Sat 04-May-13 16:12:54

Dont serial killer double teams have that kind of creepy relationship going on, Ben being the leader and your Ex just helping him out.

Made my skin crawl just reading your op.

maristella Sun 12-May-13 16:16:22

I'm very much a single woman again!
Last week I got quite ill, XP came over and looked after me then sneaked out to see Ben when I fell asleep, returning at 5am! shock
We talked a lot, XP promised to be more supportive.

He then sat me down the other night and said he's going back to uni, which is great, but won't consider moving in with me until after his degree confused
It's rejection after rejection with him!

Last night I went out with friends, XP dropped me off, and visited a friend with my DS to have music session. When it was time to leave I went to meet him as we had discussed on the phone half an hour previously.
I got to the area and tried calling. I didn't know which block of flats this friend is in, let alone which flat number. I was outside searching for them for 40 bloody minutes! hmm I tried calling about 50 times, I was frantic and felt so bloody vulnerable. I was crying hysterically when XP answered the phone. Back at home I was told to get a grip, so I booted him out. So he's gone, with the tv. DS is cross with me hmmI had to pay for XP to get a cab, as he had left his car at home. An unnecessarily expensive farewell!

WafflyVersatile Sun 12-May-13 17:16:06

Why were you having any contact with your XP after splitting up. Never mind. Why has he got your telly? shock

Sounds like Ben has a hold over XP and sounds like XP is dodgy as fuck anyway, ben or no ben. Please don't have any contact with him again. If he contacts you tell him to leave you alone and if he doesn't you will have him done for harassment.

maristella Sun 12-May-13 17:53:34

I didn't go through with the break up last week, fool that I am.

The tv is his, I need a new tv now! I feel liberated without it, as every time we rowed, he would announce he is taking it.

He has texted today, saying he needs to take a break! shockangry Err, this is permanent! I haven't replied.

I'm angry, but I know the hurt is coming.

Ashoething Sun 12-May-13 18:10:46

Why would you even contemplate having a weed addicted mummies boy around your ds in the first place? You are well rid.

maristella Sun 12-May-13 18:19:33

Because I rushed in like a fool, without really knowing him. I'm usually quite cautious but after a really awful bereavement earlier this year I really let my guard down.

On a slightly more amusing note, guess who XP was ringing for help in the early hours of this morning when I turfed him out? Mummy dearest shock bless....

WafflyVersatile Sun 12-May-13 18:23:27

Muuuuuuuuuum, maristella is being mean to me. sad

superstarheartbreaker Sun 12-May-13 18:29:22

Oh my ex had a bromance with a guy a bit like Ben. He was so rude to me as I think he felt threatened that I was going to knick his stoner mate. Never mind the fact that he was married..he didn't want his friend to find a girl as he would no longer have anyone to do drugs with.

It did affect my opinion of ex, especially when he refused to stand up for me in front of friend. Sorry for slight hijack but you do hav eto question their judgement with 'mates' like this. Trouble is , it is so natural to want to get on with your dps best mate but so hard if you hate them. You feel like you can't make them choose (but want them to ditch them). Sounds awful and he clearly has a hold on your dp.

maristella Sun 12-May-13 19:07:22

I tried really hard with Ben. He just wouldn't have it! He really upped the ante in recent weeks, he has been hanging out with XPs other friends a lot, even though he hated them until recently confused
In the last couple of weeks he has made lots of social plans on Facebook, tagging and inviting everyone apart from me. No car space for me etc. Oh well, I've deleted the weirdo wink

superstarheartbreaker Sun 12-May-13 19:41:00

Sounds like Ben was jealous of you and deliberately tried to sabotage your relationship so that he wouldn't loose his stoner buddy...thing is do you really want a man who is too weak to stand up to this looser. I know it hurts...I am going through similar ...At the time I thought I was being silly to doubt ex just because he had a tosser best mate but tbh I think it is an important character indicator.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 12-May-13 19:43:01

Also this is further evidence that stoners are not necessarily chilled out at all. IMO there is nothing about paranoia that is chilled. You are not being insecure and irrational....BEN is.

Mumsyblouse Sun 12-May-13 19:48:57

Ben sounds like a bully, and your XP sounds like the pathetic mate who hangs round bullies in the hopes they don't turn on them and only pick on other people.

It worries me a bit that your DS is being exposed to this lifestyle and these type of people.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 12-May-13 19:53:22

I am sorry and I want to be supportive but why did you ask this "Ben" specimen to go easy on you? When you first met him. Why did you even tell him about your bad news? A person like that would have been on it like a shark.

Why are you crying hysterically when you can't find them at the flats? Was it a particularly rough area? I think I'd have told you to get a grip too.

Though that is not to say they don't sound like a pair of loser arseholes, they clearly are but to be honest it doesn't sound like you are in the right place at all for a relationship. Maybe stay completely single for a while. Your twat radar is not working as it should.

maristella Sun 12-May-13 20:04:25

Sgt I was crying because I felt totally panicked. The flats are not nice, I'm an attack victim, and I do panic over my DS (probably too much).

I told Ben what was happening because I had just heard the news that a young relative had a terminal diagnosis, everyone in my life knew about this and the situation was discussed in front of him.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 12-May-13 20:09:55

You sound lovely and trusting. You need to stop that grin! Don't be lovely and trusting till they've earned it.

6 months seems to be the usual time scale for twat traits to emerge. And don't say you should have know better. How could you? He was lovely to you, it's hard to keep your guard up but I do think its essential to.

maristella Sun 12-May-13 20:21:04

It is so important, and I don't usually trust people at all confused

superstarheartbreaker Sun 12-May-13 20:24:37

I think part of it is the realisation that teh man who you thought was amazing aint all that. I found it incredibly frustrating that another person had a hand in my break up but never underestimate the power of the bromance....ok if best mate is a good guy...impossible if best bud is a looser. The looser mate is often the leader/bully too who dosn't want his mate to find love as it is a threat to their drug addiction happiness.

maristella Sun 12-May-13 20:33:26

XPs other best mate (although he cannot refer to him as a best mate confused) is a top bloke, really nice guy. Ben hates him! It was this other friend that Ben made insinuations about, saying that he and I need to be watched!

superstarheartbreaker Sun 12-May-13 20:52:37

Are you sure Ben's not in love with your ex? Oh dosn't matter now. Sounds like they belong together. Shame that your ex dosn't have the gall to tell Ben to gte lost.

Branleuse Sun 12-May-13 21:16:01


maristella Sun 12-May-13 21:16:41


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