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Leaving DH today- why am I so scared?

(62 Posts)
GroundHogDayAgain Fri 03-May-13 08:09:18

Hi all, I'm finally moving out today with dcs. Leaving dh of 9years. It's been a long time coming I guess. Some of you may recall my thread around a week ago.

I'm absolutely and utterly terrified. Almost like I'm about to jump head first off a cliff.

The last week has been hell, it's not healthy for anyone but why am I feeling like this??

Have others felt like this as they were leaving?? Cold sweats, feeling sick etc??

Thanks for reading x

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes Fri 03-May-13 08:11:33

I think you are very courageous and I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your life xxx

ivanapoo Fri 03-May-13 08:11:48

You are not jumping off a cliff. You are leaping to a better future.

Good luck for today, you'll be fine.

Lweji Portugal Fri 03-May-13 08:13:37

It's not easy, no.
You are leaving towards the unknown and simply moving can be traumatic.
You will be fine, though, and happier. smile

Just concentrate on what you need to do and ignore the butterflies.

Well done for making this decision. Yes it is normal to feel like this as you are leaving your 'normality' and venturing into the unknown.

You will be fine though, go be happy and don't look back.

Good luck x

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 08:15:39

Any big change in your life - and this is as big as they get - is going to be accompanied by fears, doubts and anticipation. You're going to need lots of RL support to help you cross this particular bridge but, once you're on the other side, you should start to feel a whole lot better.

Very best of luck

Wereonourway Fri 03-May-13 08:18:30

Wishing you the very best of luck.

I've no doubt that you will look back on this time and the only regret you will have is not doing it sooner.

Well done for finding the strength to leave x

musickeepsmesane Fri 03-May-13 08:20:41

Making major changes is always scary. There will be adrenalin, fear of the changes but hopefully most of all, excitement and looking forward to a more positive future. I would be feeling sick and shaking! All the best to you and your family. Imagine how you will be feeling tonight in your new place flowers

BranchingOut Fri 03-May-13 08:20:50

Can you have someone with you?

I read your other thread and was concerned for your safety. It is said that the most risky point for a woman is when she is leaving.

GingerBlondecat Fri 03-May-13 08:22:32

((((((((((((((soft Hugs))))))))))) Please be safe flowers

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 03-May-13 08:28:40

Thanks so much everyone, your support is amazing.

He's turned my family against me and I only really have my parents now. I look at my small dcs and just feel like a massive big let down.

He keeps telling me I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. Ill regret it and never be happy, I'm ruining kids lives etc etc.

I know so many of you are parenting alone and I've read that it's tough but rewarding.

I just feel sick with nerves and forget butterflies, feels like I've got hungry piranhas in my stomach.

I don't know how some of you have done it. It's the most scariest thing I've ever done.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 08:49:25

"He keeps telling me... " I hate miserable bastards like this. Not content with making your life a torment they have to metaphorically sit on your shoulder whispering negative crap in your ear, trying to bring you down even further. Movie stars and rock stars have flunkies and hangers-on around them saying 'you're marvellous' all the time. We all need a bit of that because life's tough enough as it is. Losers like your STBX are anti-flunkies. Arseholes.

The biggest mistake of your life would be sticking around. Beaming you the strength to hold your head high, pick up your stuff and walk out of the door without a backward glance. Beat your fears now and you will have the confidence to know that there is nothing you can't do


ElectricSheep Fri 03-May-13 09:00:00

Just weather the storm of fear. Or, as they say, feel the fear and do it anyway. You will be ok. I was terrified and it took me about 3 days just to calm down and sleep again which was quite useful because I got a lot of my unpacking done in that time grin

Most of the fears I had were proved groundless and we managed fine. And I think the first year I moved was honestly the happiest year of my life.... the freedom was just bliss and the peace of mind was like a warm blanket surrounding me all the time. And don't forget mn is here to help you resolve any problems. Best of luck for you moving.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 03-May-13 09:04:00

Cogito, thank you xx

He is very bitter and of course it's understandable to a large extent as he is losing his family, especially the dcs. But none of this was intentional and it's not like I'm doing this for the fun of it. I mean nobody marries and has dcs with the intention that they will bugger off one day right.

I keep having second thoughts too. Am I doing the right thing? Are things really that bad? Am I sure I can't stay, maybe if we do xyz then things will get better? Maybe given time, counselling, we might be ok.
Someone on here said that sometimes you can get sentimental about your crap relationship and cling into the few good times you had and amplify them in your head. Convince yourself that things weren't really that bad right?

What if once I've left I regret it? Dh has actually told me that he's looking to get married again pretty much straightaway. Once I walk out of his door, I can't ever look back.

Anybody seen my backbone anywhere? Or perhaps someone might have a spare pair of balls they can lend me.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 03-May-13 09:07:17

Electric, I hear you, the lack of sleep I think will for sure come in useful.

I can hand on heart say that posting on mn and reading similar threads has really massively helped. Since I don't have any RL help or support, I shall be relying on mn heavily I think.

I don't know your backstory GroundHog, but from this thread alone it is obvious that you are not someone that has not already considered things very carefully to get to the point you are now.

Try and concentrate on the reasons why you are leaving. Amplify those in your head to give you the strength you need today. Remain positive and keep posting on MN !!!

Sending you positive vibes and love xx

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 03-May-13 09:22:35

Lady- thank you x trust me I should be entered into the Guinness book for considering things. All I've done for past few years is consider them. But thinking and doing are very different aren't they.

Now that I'm actually 'doing', it's a million times worse than I anticipated.

musickeepsmesane Fri 03-May-13 09:43:38

I don't need my balls today so you can have them. I have a failed relationship behind me. And that was the best place for it. Emotionally abusive partners never take responsibility for their actions. Nothing will change if you stay. That would be worse I think. Break the day down into doable sections. For the next hours I will pack xyz. After that I will clean abc, and so on. Focus on your future. Seriously, as you are walking away there is no feeling like it. My ex took everything I had saved and worked hard for but the feeling of freedom............. you can't beat it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 09:47:21

" Dh has actually told me that he's looking to get married again pretty much straightaway. "

Meaning he's got some candidates lined up, presumably. hmm Yet more reason for you to go and make a better life for yourself.

ElectricSheep Fri 03-May-13 09:48:25

Where are you Ground? Would like any real mn help today?

NicknameTaken Fri 03-May-13 09:53:15

Good luck with it! And yes, this is what it feels like. It is the effect of the adrenalin surging through your body, and the adrenalin is useful. You are having your "fight or flight" response triggered to help you with the flight. Think of it as your body trying to help you.

Once you get out, you might have a sudden crash and feel utterly, utterly drained. That's okay too - go with it and take the rest you need.

Don't indulge in any thoughts about "what if" - what if we had counselling, he changed, etc etc. Any time you feel such a thought forming in your mind, just squash it ruthlessly. Don't trust your feelings right now - they will take a while to catch up with what your head knows.

And good luck again! Courage!

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 03-May-13 09:54:13

Good luck Ground You know deep down you're doing the right thing. There may be many times you look back and think 'god have a made a mistake' but ultimately you know you're not.

mummyinred Fri 03-May-13 10:01:11

As others have said to feel scared is perfectly normal. You're a very courageous woman who has made a positive decision to change the lives of yourself and your children. Being a single mum can be tough but as you know so can being a mum with a partner. You can also be very happy as a single mum and one day like me you could meet a wonderful new partner. Best of luck for today. Sending you lots of strength.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 03-May-13 10:25:04

Awww thanks so so much everyone. Isn't it amazing that people you have known all your life can abandon you and write you off when you need them most but strangers on a forum are there for you giving you exactly what you need ie support.

I am going to take on everybodies advice and just keep my head up and carry on.

Electric- I am in the north west area, thanks so much for offering, it's mad that you would offer even, it really means alot. Dh has kindly 'packed' our things into bin bags so it's just a case of going through the 5million black bags and finding essentials like socks and underwear.

I don't feel courageous at all, I feel like I'm running away from my problems tbh.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 03-May-13 10:25:51

Music- thanks for the balls. Attaching them right now ;-)

best of luck OP - lots of courage and hugs to you

i also felt sick to my core when i left although i was lucky that it wasnt an abusive relationship. its a very hard thing to get up the courage to do but it WILL be ok.

4 years on and i'm so glad i did it. keep posting and keep your new future in your sights

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 03-May-13 10:36:01

Thanks fairy x

I will come back later and let you know how I got on. I've got a million things to do but sat here in my old room frozen. Thinking is this really it. Where did it all go wrong.

musickeepsmesane Fri 03-May-13 10:45:45

Off your butt, c'mon. He has put your stuff in black bags. What does that tell you. He is looking forward to getting married again. He is an arse. You deserve better. You made an uninformed choice when you got together with him. Would you have had kids with him if you knew in advance what he was going to put you through? No, you wouldn't. He fooled you, no shame in that. The feeling I get from you is that he has successfully sucked all the confidence from you. You don't need him, you are a great person in your own right........up and at it....

break it down into steps

first step - get up and leave the room
second step - gather things together
third step - load up the car and get in....

etc etc

take it one little bit at a time but you will need to MAKE yourself start

LisaMed Fri 03-May-13 11:17:44

Sending loads of positive vibes - good luck

AND GIVE YOURSELF THE CREDIT! Despite his best efforts you are doing what is best for yourself and your children. All his hard work and constant effort has gone to waste, he is not going to be a happy bunny.

Wishing you all the luck in the world

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 03-May-13 11:19:21


Just caught up with your other thread.

Please stay safe. I read that you can call 101 to let police know when you are leaving an abuser.

Also, reading your other thread and how he bugged your car, took your keys, etc. I would recommend changing locks and making your new home a safe haven for you and the DCs.

Good luck. ((((Hug))))

ElectricSheep Fri 03-May-13 11:24:34

Sorry just back from shops. I'm in nw too. Have a car and strong arms if you need a hand? PM if you like.

NicknameTaken Fri 03-May-13 11:28:56

No thinking. It's a time when you just have to go on auto-pilot and work through the practical steps. In many ways you've done the hardest bit by making up your mind to go. You're 90% of the way there, so you just have to grit your teeth and keep going, however lousy it feels right now.

Think of it like labour - the bit where you become convinced that you can't do is the bit where you are actually doing it.

newbiefrugalgal Fri 03-May-13 11:32:15

Tell us about your exciting new home OP (if you want a distraction)

myroomisatip Fri 03-May-13 11:40:50

Another one wishing you good luck here smile

I am entering my second week in my new home and honestly, I felt the same as you but I had no choice as we had a house to sell and I had to move out on completion of the sale.

I had the same worries and thoughts, especially as my STBXH has been very helpful (something I cant get my head around but I am glad it is amicable).

You have arrived at this point for probably many reasons, dont look back now. I can only say that I am much happier and I am sure you will be too.

Lweji Portugal Fri 03-May-13 11:49:52

I hope you are actively packing. smile

Just to point out about this:
Dh has actually told me that he's looking to get married again pretty much straightaway.

Yeah. Well, according to XH, I was too ugly to find anyone else, whilst he was god's gift to women.
He is still overweight, with hygiene issues, social anxiety problems and no job.
Once I decided to start dating again, I found a nice partner fairly quickly.

I don't think you'll regret it, but I'm sure he will.

Wishing you courage and strength for today.

I'm just a few steps behind you - your story gives me hope.

ArtemisKelda Fri 03-May-13 12:17:19

Groundhog I'm in the NW too if you need anything.

You know that you're doing the right thing. Sending you positive vibes and courage.

Wereonourway Fri 03-May-13 15:07:31

Checking in again to wish you luck again groundhog.

I'm too far away to offer practical help but am sending you my virtual balls and virtual backbone.

My abusive ex still days the same things your ex is now. It's my fault ds is in a split family, not his for being an abusive arsehole.

Stay strong, remind yourself why you are leaving and take it baby steps at a time.

I left 9 months ago and am happier now than ever, despite his attempts to dampen things with his bullying and anxiety causing verbals.

I can see much much clearer now what he was and how he behaved and I've not once regretted leaving. I'm sure you will get there too

When it was me in that situation I felt the same. What kept me going was the thought that people split up everyday and today iT's your turn.

AnxiousNurse Fri 03-May-13 21:14:15

Hope you're okay this evening.

I just wanted to add that you're not running away from your problems - you are taking a wise decision to protect yourself and DCs from someone who is harmful to you. Keep telling yourself that anytime you feel doubtful xx

ElectricSheep Fri 03-May-13 23:33:40

Are you ok OP? Did you do it? I am picturing you sat in your new house and feeling the freedom Hope I am right grin

PreciousPuddleduck Fri 03-May-13 23:36:54

Hugs & best of luck. You are very brave.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 04-May-13 01:05:25

Hi guys xx

Bloody Internet not working so using rubbish 3G on phone to post this.

I am here... In my new a new bed.... Eeeeeek

It's very weird. Totally surreal. I've been non stop busy all day and haven't had a moment to think about what I'm actually doing. Even now I think I'm on auto pilot. It just doesn't feel real.

I will post properly tomorrow and fill you in.

I just wanted to say a huge huge huge thanks to the amazing wonderful people who have posted on here sending me luck and genuine support.

Goodnight xx

acceptableinthe80s Sat 04-May-13 08:16:30

Well done op. Today is the first day of the rest of your life as they say.
Have some
flowers for your new new home.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 04-May-13 08:22:58

Well done. It may be weird and surreal but it must also be very exciting. Looks like it's going to be a nice bank holiday weekend. Perfect timing to start fresh, breathe deeply and smile.

whattodoo Sat 04-May-13 08:24:13

Sending you much health and happiness in your new home.

Good for you. I've done what you just did and believe me, it was worth it, I heard all the crap your ex came out with too (he was wrong!)

Good luck, another one here who is happy to hold your hand and cheer you on.

Well done.

Now just concentrate on getting your new home and dc settled thats the most important thing every thing else can wait until you are ready.

Lweji Portugal Sat 04-May-13 08:57:05

Autopilot is good. smile

All the best in your new free and happier life. smile

ElectricSheep Sat 04-May-13 09:08:07

Oh wonderful!! flowers

Here's to a brighter, happier future for you and your children, groundhog wine wine wine wine

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 04-May-13 09:43:04

Hi Ground how you feeling today? I hope you are well smile

Well done flowers

WhiteBirdBlueSky Sat 04-May-13 11:23:48


catkin14 Sat 04-May-13 11:30:26

Hi just wanted say well done! I left my H of 27 years about 7 weeks ago. I never knew i had the guts!
Some days are good and others bad but it couldnt continue as it was without us slowly destroying each other.

So take an hour at a time, accept that you will feel doubt and worry and feel scared for the future, but then in the next hour you will feel fine!
It helped for me to write why i was leaving down so that when i thought 'oh no what have i done' I was able to go back to my piece of paper and remember why!

My H also said it would be terrible for DC's to not be with their father, well it did them more harm to be with him!
Enjoy your new home, enjoy the peace and freedom from fear!
And look after yourself flowers

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 04-May-13 23:50:46

Hi everyone, hope you are all well x

Been another busy day. My stuff is still all over the place, but have sorted out dcs rooms now at least.

Dh has sent me some nasty txts but I was fully expecting them anyway. I know he will be missing the kids alot and it must be really tough for him but I wish he would accept that I didn't intend on doing this and leaving with dcs.

It's really strange but I do feel 'free' and scared at the same time. I love the thought of being my own boss in the house and not having to think about anyone else but me and dcs. I do feel scared though that I've taken on double the responsibility re finances and kids upbringing on a daily basis.

Actually leaving home was the toughest toughest thing in the world to do. But I'm bloody glad I did it. Dh and I had good times and bad times too. But when the bad times far outweigh the good, it's not a good sign. Recently, past few years were constant bad times.

I feel a hundred times lighter even though I'm carrying a heavier burden in terms of the dcs and the uncertain future.

As I drove away from him and our 'home' I really thought I'd be really emotional and depressed but I honestly was just numb. I didn't cry or feel upset. Is this because I've got so much going on physically?? Will I have a really crappy day soon where I regret it and feel like a super bitch??

Thank you all for your fantastic support. I'm writing this on my phone otherwise I would have responded to each poster who gave me support and luck.

Love and hugs to you all x

spiritedaway Sun 05-May-13 02:01:34

Please keep posting in case he tries tactics during contact etc. . I do get the sense you're feeling his pain as you're a warm empathetic woman. Don't let him capitalize on that.(speaking from experience). If he feels sorry for himself. . . just remind him of his impending wedding plans and ask him to let you know when you need to buy a hat ;)

ElectricSheep Sun 05-May-13 10:01:40

Hi Groundhog. Glad to hear you're settling in and getting things sorted.

Don't worry about the numbness, it will wear off. I think in a way there is too much to feel so you just shut down temporarily while you decide how you feel. When I defrosted, which only took a few days to start, I realised above all I felt free, like a weight had lifted and over the first few months a feeling of peace settled over me which was just lovely.

You are bound to have down times - we all do - but you have got something out of the way that you know you should have done for a long time now. Now you have finally done it!! Yay, well done you!! You know, on balance, it's the best thing for you and your DCs long-term. Just hang on to that when you are down. Rehearse all the reasons that you had to leave. For me, I had no regrets, I knew I'd done the right thing, I just regretted not going sooner.

The responsibility does feel a bit frightening when you look at it in the abstract, but the reality is something you've managed every day, from day to day iyswim. So just keep taking it one day at a time.

And, if you'll take my advice, give yourself at least 12 months before getting in to another relationship. Perhaps consider a Freedom programme with WA, just to ensure your twat radar is fully functioning.

Hope you and DCs are having fun and doing some of the things that were forbidden and frowned upon. grin flowers for your new home.

myroomisatip Sun 05-May-13 17:01:29

Well done!

I am sure your emotions will be all over the place and you will have doubts for some time.

Have a lovely stress free day tomorrow smile

musickeepsmesane Mon 06-May-13 16:51:40

well done. I hope you and your DC's settle well and enjoy your new lives. flowers

HerrenaHarridan Mon 06-May-13 17:27:20

Well done groundhog!

I'm so excited for you. Yes the butterflies are normal! Although the only time I truly doubted my decision to spilt with dds dad was when standing in my dds first home with my stuff in bin bags on one side of the room and his on the other. It was like seeing all my hope and dreams for dds childhood bagged for the landfill.

You know you are doing this for all the right reasons. Take as much pleasure as you can from building a new life smile

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