Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Completely lost it this morning

(55 Posts)
Mosman Fri 03-May-13 04:28:09

We are booked in for couples counselling at 1.30 today.
I woke up this morning ate my tea and toast as normal, got up and something just snapped in me.
I pointed out to him that with me booking a weekend away in London and her going on holiday basically they fucked on every opportunity they had within a six week period and he said "well yeah I told you that" and that was it I flipped.
Slammed the bathroom door shut and he then tried to get to me in the bathroom, well that was it.
I emptied his clothes on to the bed and told him to get out, he tried to put his stuff back and that just wound me up more, I punched him on the back of the head, he threw me onto the bed and I carried on picking his stuff up and throwing it out the door onto the ground, told him to sleep in his car if he has no money.

I've finally cracked haven't I ? 12 weeks later and I am as angry as the day I found out, maybe more so.
But half of me keeps thinking for god sake it was a half hearted attempt at an affair, he couldn't perform after 4 attempts they gave up and it fizzled out really quickly.
What's the matter with me when I read in glasses book "not just friends" that other people forgive shagging their husbands business partner/best friend/years of infidelity ???

MariefromStMoritz Fri 03-May-13 04:46:28

I guess everyone's different, but I could not get over an affair. Even if I forgave him, it would haunt me forever.

Sorry you are going through this x

Chubfuddler Fri 03-May-13 05:09:55

There's nothing the matter with you. And no reason why you should bend yourself double trying to forgive the unforgivable.

Chubfuddler Fri 03-May-13 05:10:00

There's nothing the matter with you. And no reason why you should bend yourself double trying to forgive the unforgivable.

ClaudiaSchiffer Fri 03-May-13 05:26:41

Mosman, it's completely understandable that you are still furious with your h. Also understandable that the idea of couples counselling is making you absolutely RAGE.

It sounds like a horrible incident to be caught up in, I hope you're ok.

I know some people can forgive affairs, but not everyone can (or should!) and that's ok. I don't think there is anything the matter with you at all.

SavoyCabbage Fri 03-May-13 05:46:27

I thought you had booted him out, is he still living with you. It must be really hard. You don't have to forgive him, that's up to you. Just because other people have. You never know how you are going to react to a situation until you are actually in it.

Blackduck Fri 03-May-13 06:10:06

I think his 'yeah well I told you that' response would do it for me. He should be grovelling, absolutely grovelling - dont hear much apology in that statement.

ClaudiaSchiffer Fri 03-May-13 10:18:57

How are you doing now Mosman? I hope the counselling was bearable(?).

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 10:23:23

If you've 'cracked' it's because you're making a big mistake thinking you can reconcile this. He's still there, in your face, laughing at you, being flippant ... and you very understandably hate his guts.

Use the fury you now have to get shot of him. Show him the door and stop all this rubbish about counselling. The only counsel you need is one of the Queens variety... i.e. a solicitor to end this.

YoniMatopoeia Fri 03-May-13 10:29:42

Shirley Glass tells you that some people did forgive. It does not say that you should. In fact, his behaviour sounds like he is preventing you coming anywhere near understanding or forgiveness.

It is his fault not yours.

Don't blame or think badly of yourself.

PeppermintPasty Fri 03-May-13 10:33:55

Listen Mosman, I forgave, it's not all it's cracked up to be sad

We're 7 or 8 yrs down the line and we still have issues. Well, I still have issues with it, and I daresay I always will have.

There's nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with being angry, remember that.

wonderingagain Fri 03-May-13 10:40:44

He threw you onto the bed? That's a bit rough. A decent reaction would have been to say please, I'm sorry, don't kick me out.

Mosman Fri 03-May-13 10:58:51

Too be fair I had just punched him in the head we were both in the wrong.
The counselling is really about getting me to the point where I don't see the tarts faces every time I close my eyes, every time I see a bottle of body oil that kind of thing. So we can communicate about the kids and stuff without me screaming you should have thought if that before you fucked her - in response to every request - it's for my long term benefit I guess.

Mosman Fri 03-May-13 11:00:47

I spoke to one of her friends on Facebook after I'd plastered their affair all over it - very mature I know - but this guy said it took him a year but once he'd forgiven his ex and her co defendant he felt free, that's what I want.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 03-May-13 11:03:40

You don;t have to forgive - not everyone can or want to.

I forgave my DH's affair because of his remorseful actions after discovery and the hard work he is putting in the relationship and on fixing himself - anything less and he would have been thrown out.

be kind to yourself x

Dahlen Fri 03-May-13 11:09:22

I hope I haven't misunderstood this, but this is not his first transgression, is it? And he's not showing any sincere remorse. I'm not surprised you're livid.

You don't have to forgive, you know. Forgiving and moving on are not one and the same thing, although people often use the term forgive when what they mean is get over it.

Mosman Fri 03-May-13 11:20:13

Whilst its not the first time, he's been caught on all 5 at once, there's numerous and I mean numerous over 10 years.
The counsellor basically said whilst on paper you've been married ten years you've not been married at all tbh

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 03-May-13 11:23:17

sad

Sounds like a serial philanderer trying to address his inadequacies via shagging other women good link

BicBiro Fri 03-May-13 11:25:19

it's far too soon for you to think about forgiveness. you won't know for ages yet, and your head can't trick your heart into believing you are ready to move on however much you want it to. you need to process the utter pain and devastation and the only way to do that, I'm afraid, is to allow those feelings in.

I feel for you, you are in a shitty situation. good luck

Mosman Fri 03-May-13 11:37:36

That's a good link. I think he falls into a combination of the romantic and philander he likes the idea of an affair more than the actual deed, it fizzled out quickly on all occasions.
For my own mental health I just need to get a bloody grip, am setting up a weekend away to get utterly pissed and have a few days peace.

Chubfuddler Fri 03-May-13 11:38:05

Do you actually want to be married to him? Do you love him? Or like him?

These are not intended to be loaded questions btw

Mosman Fri 03-May-13 11:41:44

Honestly I do get on very well with him, under normal circumstances we have a laugh, enjoy the same things, adore our kids and have the same goals in life.
I don't love or like him right now but if you'd asked me that question on the 3rd of February this year I would have said yes without hesitation even though I had my suspicions about at least two of the affairs.
Where I went wrong was not confronting him earlier, not wanting to rock the boat.

EllaFitzgerald Fri 03-May-13 11:51:39

You didn't go wrong anywhere, Mosman. You're the loving, trusting wife who worked at her marriage. He's the one who went wrong.

I forgave ex partner, but never trusted him again. It didn't help when, 3 months afterwards, he told me he thought I should be over it by now. It was a massive relief when it all ended, to be honest.

Is there any way you could spend some time apart to give you a chance to think about whether you want to carry on with the marriage? Horrible situation for you to be in.

As everyone has said - there is nothing at all wrong with you.
I couldn't forgive which is why I didn't stay with my husband and have finished another relationship for the same reason.
It's a deal breaker for many people.
You do what's right for YOU!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 12:19:37

I think you're deluded.

Mosman Fri 03-May-13 12:23:44

In what sense ? That we can ever be civil ?

He has acted poorly throughout your entire marriage to my mind. You've tried to keep the leaky boat floating.

I do wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up. That needs serious consideration.

Goodness alone knows what your children think of the two of you, they are perhaps wondering why on earth you are still together. What lessons have you both taught them about relationships?.

scarletforya Fri 03-May-13 12:36:43

he couldn't perform after 4 attempts they gave up and it fizzled out really quickly

Sorry OP, I wouldn't believe any of that crap for a start. Don't almost all cheaters say they couldn't go through with it/couldn't get it up/only kissed etc blah blah....

If he's cheated on you so much would you not just rip the plaster off and get rid of him for good. You can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear and all that.

ImperialBlether Fri 03-May-13 12:40:54

Mosman, do you mean you found out he'd had several affairs over a long time? When I found out my ex was seeing two women at the same time, it made me less jealous, because it made me realise neither of them knew about the other either, and I had that over them and, because he ended up moving in with one of them, I had it over him, too. I know it sounds mad, but it really helped me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 12:42:35

I think you're deluded about staying married

Sunnywithshowers Fri 03-May-13 12:49:29

I'm not surprised you lost it. flowers

Be kind to yourself. Whatever decision you make (forgive, try again, LTB) will take time.

Mosman Fri 03-May-13 12:51:33

I'm not staying married the divorce is well under way

Lemonylemon Fri 03-May-13 12:51:48

Whilst its not the first time, he's been caught on all 5 at once

Personally, I could never stay with a man who did this to me and to our relationship.

I have to agree with Cog. I think that no price is worth paying to stay married. Your mental health is worth more than that.

Chubfuddler Fri 03-May-13 12:52:10

So why on earth are you going to couples counselling?

Mosman Fri 03-May-13 13:00:57

To try and communicate without punching him in the head

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 13:01:58

What you're describing is sheer frustration. And that happens when what we want to feel and what we are actually feeling are poles apart. It's like deciding that, after a lifetime of loving opera, you're going to start loving heavy metal music. You can read books written by people who love heavy metal, go to concerts, get counselling, meet bands, pray on your knees .... but if you don't love it, you'll never love it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 13:02:47

If all the counselling is for is to stay calm when communicating then ffs go by yourself and work on some techniques. He's a lost cause...

Flisspaps Fri 03-May-13 13:07:53

You know violence isn't the answer.

However, you'll probably find that him finding alternative accommodation far more effective in aiding communication without you feeling the rage towards him than counselling. Living together knowing how he's treated you must be impossible.

And I'd still consider returning home sooner rather than later.

Chubfuddler Fri 03-May-13 13:09:19

You need counselling on your own.

Sunnywithshowers Fri 03-May-13 13:13:52

I agree with Flisspaps.

Mosman Fri 03-May-13 13:14:27

I wanted him to hear the damage he's done, his first wife just threw him out he never had to deal with the aftermath.
But I will go in my own next time.

Dahlen Fri 03-May-13 13:17:40

Mosman - you're assuming that when he's exposed to the aftermath he'll feel bad about it. I don't think he will. If he was capable of considering the effect of his behaviour on others, he wouldn't have behaved in all the ways he has up to this point.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 13:17:48

He never will deal with the aftermath. You've got to write this one off, stop contacting him and get him out of your environment PRONTO. Glad you'll be going alone next time. You can still have a better life. He's stuck the way he is....

Hopasholic Fri 03-May-13 16:44:43

I'm not surprised you completely lost it Mosman.

It's been a long long time coming.

Get him out for your own sanity. Have you got finances sorted?

LineRunner Fri 03-May-13 16:57:03

Don't go to counselling with him, Mosman. No good can come of it. Do it for you, on your own.

I recognise your anger. I really do. But you need to be right away from him. And he from you.

Bloody affairs. Like a psychic explosion.

bigbuttons Fri 03-May-13 17:12:36

He sounds like a prick, but punching him in the head is really shockingshock

Ahhhcrap Fri 03-May-13 17:15:46

Nothing wrong with what you did and understandable... 3 years on from my dh's affair and I still struggle on occasions. I can't go to certain cities as I know they met there, certain texts will set it off and on occasions I can't sleep for feeling shitty about it.. Even certain tv program's I can't watch as I was watching it when he was out shagging 'her'

But I also get days of peace now too..

I've always maintained that our marriage is like a piece of paper, by him having the affair he ripped it up. Now we've stuck and cello taped it back together, it might look like a piece of paper but it'll never be good as new or the same hmm

bigbuttons Fri 03-May-13 17:31:03

Maybe I am living in a different world here. There is nothing wrong with punching someone in the back of the head?? Really???
if someone posted on here and said "Ive been a real shit to my husband and we were rowing again and he punched me on the back of the head" the words "domestic violence' would be shouted. "phone the police etc etc.'

Longdistance Fri 03-May-13 18:08:16

Aww, Mosman. Sorry you're having a rough time still. It seems like you exploded like a volcano, and all the hate and rage just spilled.
I am still surprised he is still there in the house with you. I would have lost my mind by now.
I agree that maybe getting counciling for yourself would be more beneficial to you, I doubt it'll help him, he sounds like a lost cause.
I think you need to do something drastic so he's not around you ie move back to the Uk/ press him to move out without losing it
Something needs to change, as, like me you'll never forgive him, so you won't be able to move on in your 'marriage' or your life in fact, as you're in a rut.

classifiedinformation Fri 03-May-13 18:33:11

Nothing wrong with being angry, everything wrong with both of you being physically violent to each other. There is no relationship.

cinnamonsugar Fri 03-May-13 20:12:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cinnamonsugar Fri 03-May-13 20:16:46

Sorry!!! Re: my comment of 20:12 I totally misread what you wrote, mosman

Mosman Sat 04-May-13 01:55:53

God I know it was wrong of me. I've never done anything like it before.
The counsellor told him to stop talking about "we" there is no we

newbiefrugalgal Sat 04-May-13 08:07:06

Can he not move out?

Mosman Sat 04-May-13 08:17:45

Unfortunately not he'd have to literally sleep in the car and if that resulted in him loosing his job we are all fucked and of course why would he then give me his wages if he isn't in the house to benefit from them. He is however on the sofa

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now