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ex p suggests a planned ds/dd for our dd whilst remaining apart

(86 Posts)
pod3030 Thu 02-May-13 21:40:42

Hi ,
ex p and i split when he decided our planned dd changed his life too much and he wanted the life he had before.workaholic, history of ea and gas lighting, me and dd had to move out of the family home as everything in his name. he's away a lot which gave me time to resettle not far away so dd could get to see him.am now really blossoming and realising how my personality had been squashed.enjoying my new life and dd happy.

i had a thread not long ago about wanting another child and considering a sperm bank. I think i had come to a decision that yes, this is what i wanted, so i informed ex p as it would affect our dd. he said he had always wanted two dc (this is not true, he gave one of the main reasons for the split as not wanting another dc to complicate his carefully constructed life) and he would like to be the donor so dc have the same dad.
so part of me is thinking, yes, it makes sense, the new dc will have a dad, it won't change the situation but will give me what i want and ex p still gets to do the disney dad thing. it will be the same, but with two.

then i wobble, think am i self sabotaging my chances of happiness with a potential soul mate in the future?, will this keep ex p too much in my life, is this more of his control? he has been ok about respecting my boundaries, he knows i never ever want to get back together. but it's making me weepy thinking about another baby he'll have a say in iykwim. oh i'm so confused. this is madness isn't it. or is it?

AnonAndOnAndOn Thu 02-May-13 21:42:44

Bad idea.

Do it on your terms, not his.

Chubfuddler Thu 02-May-13 21:42:51

It sounds like utter utter madness to me. Don't do it.

msrisotto Thu 02-May-13 21:43:16

It is madness. Is he controlling?

babyhammock Thu 02-May-13 21:45:07

Nooooooooo!!!!!

LowLevelWhinging Thu 02-May-13 21:45:26

nononononononononononono NO!

you already know, this is him wanting control!

too messy.

pod3030 Thu 02-May-13 21:45:37

forgot to say, am 40, so the need to conceive quite soon is key, i don't realistically have much time to meet someone and get to a point several years down the line to decide to have children. i am really happy single, i would rather wait for the soul mate if they ever came along, than make do with someone i had to change myself to fit in for. if the soul mate never comes, that's fine too, a man doesn't complete me. But i am yearning for a sibling for my dd.

daisydelilah Thu 02-May-13 21:46:05

I would also say no to this. Too much potential for complication and heartache down the line, and if you bring up two children together they will be siblings, regardless of who their biological father is.

LowLevelWhinging Thu 02-May-13 21:46:29

don't go back there, please!

BOF Thu 02-May-13 21:48:31

'Wanting' just isn't a good enough reason to have another child, not in these circumstances. It's got disaster written all over it.

Booyhoo Thu 02-May-13 21:49:01

no way!

he doesn't want another child but when he hears that you are going to go ahead and have one anyway, suddenly he wants one? this is control. he doesn't want you moving on and wants to keep you tied to him.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Thu 02-May-13 21:51:40

Well its a bit of an odd idea and you should probably go with your gut. But, its not like hes not in your life anyway.

babyhammock Thu 02-May-13 21:52:57

so revisit the sperm bank... have another one... just not with him

pod3030 Thu 02-May-13 21:53:26

blimey, thanks for the quick responses. my compass is completely broken here ,
part of me is thinking it's an easy, slick solution to the problem.

i get another dc, dd gets a sibling, they both go to access to the same dad so no 'i've got a daddy and you don't' scenarios.

but we remain separated and as we are now, civil to one another, respecting boundaries, ...

so you really think it's madness?..

Chubfuddler Thu 02-May-13 21:55:35

Completely bonkers. Honestly.

pod3030 Thu 02-May-13 22:00:14

oh, and turkey baster all the way. no way to dtd. no no noooo.

but it's not something i'll leap blindly into. and i'll def look at the sperm bank option again. but as bugger says, it's not as if he's not in my life anyway. he's going to be there because of dd.
and since having access days he's had to 'do' stuff with her and has realised actually it's brilliant having her. I do all the hard work of course and he gets all the glory. but eh, that's how it is.

missalien Thu 02-May-13 22:00:45

How about fostering or adoption .

But no no no no to the above idea oh my goodness no no no

If he wasn't abusive there might be something to be said for it but he is - a history of ea and gaslighting, you had to leave the family home, he does not like the disruption to his nice ordered life (control). I am sure he is offering this for his own reasons and not to help you - what does he stand to gain?

The nice and easy road isn't always the best btw.

pod3030 Thu 02-May-13 22:02:53

sigh. i sort of knew it.
but there are unconventional families all over the place now. i'm not ready to totally rule it out, but it is looking less of an option, so thank you for your views.

froggers1 Thu 02-May-13 22:04:05

I actually know of someone local to me who did this - its a bit weird but it seems to work for them..the kids see their dad together - they planned it and the kids are 2 yrs apart..

hellohellohihi Thu 02-May-13 22:07:11

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think I would also be considering the same in your shoes. On a LOT of levels it does make sense, namely the practical ones you mention.. But it's complicated on the emotional levels and they are the real drivers in any situation IMO.

Gah. I really feel for you. This is a toughie.

Only you know how you would feel to further tie yourself to a man you don't want to be tied to....

starfishmummy Thu 02-May-13 22:07:16

God grief. Are you mad, Pod?

And if you really thought it was a good idea, would you be on here asking?

N, no and thrice no!

ColinCaterpillar Thu 02-May-13 22:07:32

If he's controlling, then not a great idea. You never know if you Find a nice man with some lovely children, there might be siblings that way or surely another way.

pod3030 Thu 02-May-13 22:09:41

i think he's really enjoying the attention he's getting when out with dd. he's someone who thrives on attention, he does not exist unless he is reflected by other people.

saying that, he had a very disjointed, unaffectionate childhood, and i can see him discovering things with dd that he missed in his own childhood, even things i 'modelled' to him, like cuddling her and being silly. he has always been very serious and stress filled. i think it's a relief to let go. I think he sees a healing of the past that was previously unavailable to him.

pod3030 Thu 02-May-13 22:17:25

froggers that is interesting! see, it is the practical solution, that's what i can't get away from.

emotionally, i have been blocking the behaviour that is second nature to him. i don't entertain any of it, and i use dd as an example- would he want her to feel like a, b or c that i'm feeling now? that seems to sink in, it makes it real. I truly believe now that it is his childhood that informs his behaviour. but i am not engaging on that side of things, it's up to him to find his own healing.

onedev Thu 02-May-13 22:18:18

I'm in the minority but I don't think it does seem that crazy, especially given your age & the fact you have a DD already (however I don't know what gaslighting is, so if I did, it may change things). It's a tough one, but if its on your terms & you think you can handle it emotionally then I don't see why not (using a turkey baster). Good luck.

pod3030 Thu 02-May-13 22:25:04

thanks everyone. Yes onedev my age is against me. i had already decided that i was going for it and having another dc. what was worrying me was that dd would have a daddy and the new dc wouldn't as it would be with a donor.
but on the other hand, further ties to a man i don't want to be tied to.

i would need to set very strong boundaries i know. my home would not be an extension of his household.

still not going to leap into this. thanks so much for your opinions, mumsnet, you rock!

butterflymeadow Thu 02-May-13 23:36:27

I actually think it may confuse your dd more as she grows up, because if mummy and daddy loved each other enough to have dc2, maybe they will get back together?

You left the family home because of this man. I totally understand the urge to have another child, but seriously, if you don't see a future with him, why would you have a child together.

LadyLapsang Thu 02-May-13 23:56:47

So your ex is abusive, you and your young daughter had to leave the family home when you split up and you are thinking of having another child with him - that does not sound a good choice to me. I think you should just think about developing & maintaining a good life for you and your daughter. Maybe you will never have a second child, that may be sad but - in my opinion - not as potentially damaging to you and your DD as having another child with your ex. Have you thought about exploring these issues with a counsellor?

MrsPoglesWood Fri 03-May-13 00:18:15

Sounds like a really bad idea tbh. Why would you tie yourself to this arsehole for an additional period when you really don't need to?

Can he afford to pay maintenance for 2 DC? Does he pay maintenance for DC1?

arsenaltilidie Fri 03-May-13 00:27:15

I'm going against the grain.
He is a good dad, HE DOESN'T HAVE CONTROL OVER YOU ANYMORE.
It would be a lot easier, for everyone.
No complicated stories.
Ties over you would probably be a couple extra years.

FairPhyllis Fri 03-May-13 00:40:25

No no no no no. Do not give another child an abusive father.

This will confuse and possibly upset your DD no end too.

squeakytoy Fri 03-May-13 00:41:05

I dont think it is a crazy idea at all. Both children will have the same father. Better than one child with a dad, and her sibling being the result of an anonymous sperm donor, which I would imagine both children would find very difficult to deal with as they get older.

AgnesBligg Fri 03-May-13 00:47:24

hmmm. I would consider it I think. A sperm donation that would dip into the same genes as your dd and give her a sibling and you another child. It doesn't seem so outlandish to me I have say.

brdgrl Fri 03-May-13 00:57:08

It sounds lovely in the abstract...based on the second and third paragraphs of your post.

But based on the first paragraph??? no no no no no. He's not the right person to do this with. Like someone said above - if you want another child, do it on your own terms. You can.

Bogeyface Fri 03-May-13 01:25:02

Hmmm...are you sure that there isnt just a little bit of whistfulness in this? He is finally the dad that he couldnt be when you where together so now you are thinking that you get the baby you want, he gets to be the dad he wants to be and wouldnt it be lovely if you ended up getting back together in the process?

olgaga Fri 03-May-13 01:53:17

I think this is a terrible idea.

But i am yearning for a sibling for my dd.

Well I think you need to be a bit more sensible and wake up to the fact that there are plenty of perfectly happy only children.

He might enjoy having contact and being a dad now that your DD is older and a bit more entertaining - but will he be quite so happy if he has to cope with a baby/toddler as well?

Your entire set up seems precarious in the extreme. He is abusive, he is not remotely committed to you, his child's mother. What on earth makes you think this is a good idea?

Your own desire for a child shouldn't come before the welfare of your existing child. Just because he's enjoying her company now doesn't mean he'd enjoy another child's company.

And by the way, there's a big difference between "unconventional" and unstable.

Bogeyface Fri 03-May-13 02:00:09

Been thinking about this since I last posted and for me it comes down to the fact that he doesnt want you to do anything that he can't control.

THis has nothing to do with his "desire" for a child (I dont believe he actually wants another one), but everything to do with the fact that he doesnt want you to have something he has no say over. I rather suspect that if you go ahead with a sperm donor he would become alot less friendly.

melbie Fri 03-May-13 03:56:55

I am not convinced it is such a bad idea. If he is a good father then why not? I think you would have to negotiate in advance how involved he would be in the pregnancy/birth so that he is not taking over but I can really see why you would do this. He might want to do it to be in control but that only works if you let him... And you sound like you are at a point where you could deal with that. I think you would have to be very careful but I think to be honest it is actually a reasonable idea

ClaudiaSchiffer Fri 03-May-13 04:06:13

If I was in your position I'd do it. I'm not saying its the right or sensible thing to do and it certainly wont be problem free but at 40 and longing for another child I'd almost definitely do it.

I have a friend who was sort of in this position - had a son with her partner, they split, briefly reconciled (for a weekend), she got (intentionally) pregnant again and is a single mum of 2 boys. It's been really hard for her as there have been a lot of legal access issues etc with the dad (who is a good guy btw) but she has 2 gorgeous sons, she's in her early 40's so probably made decisions she wouldn't have made if she had been in her 20's or 30's but she has her family. She is a teeny weeny bit of a loon, but I totally get her drive to be a mum.

Eastpoint Fri 03-May-13 04:11:03

After splitting up with her partner a friend of mine did something very similar. She had twins. How will you feel if you have twins or a child who needs a huge amount of help? She does not receive any financial support for her twins, only the first child & finds things tougher than she had anticipated on every front. Logistically it is much easier to have one child as a lone parent.

stella1w Fri 03-May-13 05:42:56

Yes to a sibling. At your age time is running out. I can see issues if one child had a dad and the other didn't. But to avoid gettting sucked into his control issues, i would tell him you will conceive with him via a fertility clinic. He will donate to them and you can be inseminated or do ivf. If he baulks at that, it shows he doesn't really want to be a dad. Alot of men are threatened by sperm donation and can't see whywomen wouldn't just havesec with them!

mathanxiety Fri 03-May-13 06:02:36

Do you really see this as anything but a complete no brainer?

EA and gaslighting? Are you seriously considering this? You got away with nothing but your dignity and now you are thinking of giving even that up.

He can't be a good father but bad partner. Booyhoo and Bogeyface are absolutely right -- this is about him wanting control. THis has nothing to do with his "desire" for a child (I dont believe he actually wants another one), but everything to do with the fact that he doesnt want you to have something he has no say over. I rather suspect that if you go ahead with a sperm donor he would become a lot less friendly.

Get your DD a kitten, or a puppy.
And stop talking about him healing, and pondering about his childhood. Water under the bridge, and that ship has sailed [sorry for metaphor overuse] -- he is history and his childhood is too.

i think he's really enjoying the attention he's getting when out with dd. he's someone who thrives on attention, he does not exist unless he is reflected by other people.

He is going to completely screw up your DD when she is older and starts to become a person in her own right. I am guessing she is young enough to think the sun shines forth from his arse right now? That will change and she will get a taste of the EA too.

Meringue33 Fri 03-May-13 06:08:14

^What math said. It sounds almost as if you still have feelings for this man, are still making excuses for him, still hoping he might change. Be very careful!

LtEveDallas Fri 03-May-13 06:39:42

Your DD doesn't need a sibling, you just want one. This is a terrible crazy idea. Enjoy the child you have, don't upset the applecart for a pipe dream.

butterflymeadow Fri 03-May-13 06:40:41

Agree this is about control, that is what I came back to post, but others have spelled out why. I have just left an abusive relationship and everything ex does shouts out that he wants control. You would give your ex a massive open door back into your life and with a new baby, the demands of 2 dcs and your own house to run, it would be much harder to close it.

Seriously, controlling people do not easily relinquish control. I wish they did.

Came on to write something but olgaga has already said it word for word.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 07:24:20

So you become this one-step-removed baby production machine like one of those Victorian set-ups where the wet-nurse/nanny brings the children to visit 'papa' when it's convenient?.... hmm Terrible idea.

LadyIsabellaWrotham Fri 03-May-13 07:36:14

If you'd split up because you no longer fancied each other then, yes maybe, why not. But not with this guy, no.

AThingInYourLife Fri 03-May-13 07:40:14

Why would you deliberately give a child this kind of man as a father?

Dahlen Fri 03-May-13 07:42:59

If he wasn't an abuser, I'd say go for it. But he is, and that changes everything.

If you split because he wasn't ready for the responsibility of a child, why does he want you to have this one? You really need to have a long, hard think about his motives here.

elfycat Fri 03-May-13 07:45:01

I have a friend who has done something similar with her ex, again in her early 40s. She wanted a sibling, he didn't mind. At the moment he doesn't have contact with either child, but she's getting financial support and she would negotiate contact if he did come back. Her children see their paternal grandparents.

I think No sexual contact has to be the way. Yes he might want some control over the situation, but this would be one way of asserting your control.

From a practical point of view you would need to set boundaries so your life is as you would want it with 2 children. Think about if you want him at the scans, birth or in the day after you've had a baby. He'd need to go to register the birth with you. When the baby is young they'd need to be with you and not taken off for visits (especially if breast feeding). How would you plan to let him have contact and have his Disney Dad moments with an infant? What is his idea for financial support, and what are yours?

Sperm bank would be simpler in one way, but I can understand wanting full siblings.

ivanapoo Fri 03-May-13 08:08:52

He is NOT a good father.

He left you BECAUSE of your daughter.

WHY would you want that for another child? It's unfortunate enough you have one tie to him already.

He might be enjoying being a Disney dad at this very moment but what about when the novelty runs off or two kids turn out hard to handle for him or DD starts answering back?

What about if he gaslights your children? Or decides again he wants his old lifestyle back and cuts them out of his life?

pod3030 Fri 03-May-13 08:09:35

hi everyone,
thankyou so much for your replies.

just to clarify a few points- he is paying maintenance (and a good amount not just a token) and would provide for any new child.

i categorically do not want to get back together, i am not wistful in the least, i have as little contact as possible with him, he is away a lot and dd and i get on with our lives happily. he sees her once a week and they do fun things.

practically it's the simplest way.

but you're right, emotionally it's way more complicated than a sperm bank.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 03-May-13 08:15:52

If you're serious about another child, go and see the sperm bank and accept the consequences. Talk to him about the need for your dd to understand and be happy with her family, so he would need to spend some time with both children and talk about them as siblings, not seek to divide them. You may well lose his input as father over that. Is is worth it, or would sticking with one be better?

It is perfectly possible that he has always had an image of a 'perfect' two child family in mind. Notion and reality are different but you would be giving him the opportunity to have his cake and eat it.

The increased demands of two DCs and the fact that you had done what you propose would both change the power dynamic between you. You could become much more dependent on his good will and he more contolling and manipulative.

KingRollo Fri 03-May-13 08:25:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pod3030 Fri 03-May-13 08:25:36

I can see i still have a lot of thinking to do.

You're right lottie he may relish the idea that i would be more dependant on him,

ShowMeTheYoni Fri 03-May-13 08:30:15

Hi OP. I can see your dilemma. I am a lesbian and my partner and I used a sperm donor, so I have experience of that side of it. Everything you have said about your ex sends alarm bells ringing.

"i think he's really enjoying the attention he's getting when out with dd. he's someone who thrives on attention, he does not exist unless he is reflected by other people."

So does he want another child or an ego boost? Are you actually doing this for YOU and your DD? Or your ex? If YOU want a baby and a sibling for your DD then do it. But don't go backwards to move forwards. Sperm banks are not scary, they are understanding and very professional. My kids are older now and don't have "daddy" issues. They love what they get. Don't impose a gas lighting emotionally abusive controlling man on a baby. You conceived your dd under different circumstances. I am not saying he is a "bad" father, but he doesn't sound like a great human being. Certainly not great enough to procreate again with. You have a lovely DD and can have another lovely DC, full siblings are not the be all and end all.

pod3030 Fri 03-May-13 08:32:13

a lot of children come into the world unplanned and unwanted. i think a longed for, loved child in a loving and supportive extended family is not a selfish notion. i have a well balanced and lovely mum dad and siblings who counteract any precariousness on his side. they are very hands on and are delighted with dd as they thought i would never have children being late to it.
sorry, typing one handed as bf dd!

pod3030 Fri 03-May-13 08:34:57

so they know about the sperm bank idea and would support me in any decision i take.

but actually, now i'm typing this. they would be concern ed about this new turn of events. looking at it through their eyes, people who love me, yes, i can see they would be worried about his involvement.

Well I have been mulling this idea over tbh. I'm 32 and have one DS with a man I care about a lot, who is a decent father but a terrible husband. I have always wanted another and have decided that if I'm single in 3-4 years I will think about it again.

But,

i think he's really enjoying the attention he's getting when out with dd. he's someone who thrives on attention, he does not exist unless he is reflected by other people. saying that, he had a very disjointed, unaffectionate childhood, and i can see him discovering things with dd that he missed in his own childhood, even things i 'modelled' to him, like cuddling her and being silly. he has always been very serious and stress filled. i think it's a relief to let go. I think he sees a healing of the past that was previously unavailable to him.

This raises red flags. You describe it as if your X is both narcissistic and using his child as therapy. Children don't exist to meet their parents' needs. I think you will have your hands full as your DD grows in making sure she isn't affected by your X's issues. Don't bring another child into that dynamic. Have a good hard think about your X's parenting capacity and think about whether you want another potential child to experience his parenting.

pod3030 Fri 03-May-13 08:41:48

thankyou show very good to get perspective from someone who's done the donation side of things . and you're right, full siblings arn't the be all.

my mind is racing now. i think i am definately back to my original thoughts of doing it alone with sperm bank.

pod3030 Fri 03-May-13 08:47:07

ehric you really hit the nail on the head.

i do feel i will be using a lot of energy in the future protecting dd from his world view (which is ego centric).

so helpful all of you i can't thank you enough for you're help in getting some perspective. x

MusicalEndorphins Fri 03-May-13 08:49:03

Your children will love each other same no matter if they have the same fathers. If you use your ex for a father, he will want to be involved, but with an anonymous donor, you would not have him involved. Either way, the children will be siblings and bond. For all you know, you could have a baby on your own, then meet someone and have 2 more with him. You never know what lays ahead.

DistanceCall Fri 03-May-13 08:53:32

I'm going to go against the grain here. I think having children using a sperm donor is rather selfish. But you shouldn't have children with someone you don't love.

I would focus on the child I had, to be honest.

BedHanger Fri 03-May-13 08:54:34

How old is your DD?

Trill Fri 03-May-13 08:59:24

You keep saying that in some ways it is better than going to a sperm bank.

These are not the only options.

Please also consider the option of not having another child.

Not every child needs a sibling. Not every child's life is enhanced by having a sibling.

Your life might not be better with another child in it either.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Fri 03-May-13 09:06:33

I agree with KingRollo and Distance; your 'yearnings' are not strong enough reasons to bring a child into the world - and they don't trump the rights of the child to arrive into a stable, balanced environment.

You've already mentioned the possibility of the 'I have a dad and you don't' scenario, which I'm sure wouldn't necessarily be said in so many words, but would always be there as an unspoken fact, whether it was openly acknowledged or not.

An unfair burden and disadvantage to place upon another human being.

pod3030 Fri 03-May-13 09:07:40

dd is 18 months.

i have thought about keeping with the one child, and it is still very much an option.
i am taking into account that she will be affected by a new family dynamic.
but i was also thinking of her when considering a sibling, as i am an older mum, her grandparents are therefore older, i would want someone in the world that is family that looks out for her and is there for her. my siblings and i are very close, and i want that for her.

anyway, the thread started because i was confused about the involvement of ex, not the morality of sperm donor babies- i've done that thread somewhere else.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 03-May-13 09:26:52

Yes, I understand the point about giving your dd a sibling so she has family when older. I'm t the same age and stage - one young dd, considering another - and the idea that we and her gps are older, so she could bear the burden of our old age and beyond alone is very real.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 03-May-13 09:31:47

Likewise, I'm an only, as my parents divorced when I was tiny. As an adult, I get a lot out of having a good relationship with my younger half siblings. It gives us a family of our generation, regardless of what happens to our parents.

You are facing a very complex equation and choices. There isn't one simple right answer but I'm afraid I do think involving the ex is very likely to be the wrong answer.

Booyhoo Fri 03-May-13 09:44:00

ive had to come back to this again.

OP this man is an abuser. they dont just keep that for 1 person and then never abuse again. once your DD gets to an age where he needs her to comply or wants to spin her his side of events he will start with EA and gaslighting etc with her. you will have a fight on your hands trying to protect her and get her through to adulthood withoyt too many issues from her father's attempts to control and manipulate her.

please please please dont do that to another child. you cant do anything about the one that already exists. she's here and she has to see her father but please dont create another life to subject it to him. that is very unfair and far outweighs any yearning you have for another child. Only children are not miserable/lonely children if their parents and families are very much involved and make sure there is plenty of opportunities for other friendships.

plus you never know what could happen. you could meet a lovely man next year who has two small children.

DoingItForMyself Fri 03-May-13 10:15:57

I started off thinking that it wasn't a bad idea, that having 2 DCs both having access with the same dad would be simpler etc, but having read all the other responses my mind has changed.

His EA tendencies are the biggest problem, he is still having an influence over you and is making you doubt your decisions. That alone is a worry. That he will no doubt inflict some of his less desirable behaviour on any children as they grow up is the bigger concern.

The only real reason I can see for not using a sperm bank is that there would be nobody else to take some of the responsibility off you for a day or two per week, but if you are close to your family and have friends who can help out with the odd sleepover etc, I can't see it being an issue.

The DCs won't make a big deal of their parentage if you don't differentiate. I have a friend with 3 DCs by 2 dads. One of the dads is reasonable with access/financial support, the other is useless, so the child rarely sees him, but with support from the rest of the family and even the other DCs' dad, its not a huge issue. Your children won't be the only ones with different family set-ups.

larrygrylls Fri 03-May-13 10:29:19

I think it is a good idea.

Firstly, you can never lose contact with him altogether as he is the father of your existing child. If the second one is with him, he can have contact with both at the same time, leaving you those periods free to get on with your life. They will be biological full siblings. He will have to contribute financially to both of them, which no one seems to have mentioned, and could make a big difference.

If you have your second with the sperm bank, you will forever be taking your first child around for contact while being left with the second. And, if you meet someone new, surely it is better to effectively be a single mother of two full siblings (as many are) than have one sibling with an exP and one with donated sperm?

I am not sure he gains any more control than he already has, which, by the sound of it, is OK now.

tribpot Fri 03-May-13 10:32:20

Looking at it from the point of view of your parents and siblings is a very helpful exercise. If you were two well-adjusted adults who'd fallen out of love but had a mutually respectful and mature relationship maybe this option would be the best and most practical. As it is it's just a minefield. And a minefield you'd be willingly walking into.

I would tell your parents about this offer, just to see their reactions in person. On top of which, from what you describe I could see your ex playing Golden Child/Scapegoat if he had two children, and you'd have to live with knowing you'd put the second child into that situation when they didn't need to be.

DIYapprentice Fri 03-May-13 10:37:07

Hmm, a difficult one, and with my head I would say 'don't do it'. But I have to be honest and say that actually, yes I would consider it, and would probably go ahead with it. I'd quite like my 2 DC to be on par. If you're not going to have the 2nd dad in their life, you may as well give them the same dad.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Fri 03-May-13 11:09:05

I'm going to go against the grain too. If he has a relationship with your DD already, then it's going to make life much easier to have both children with the same father. You're not going to have one who has a daddy and one who doesn't.

I think it would be important to do it on a sperm donor basis though and not just end up shagging him. grin

newbiefrugalgal Fri 03-May-13 11:19:18

I'm another that thinks it might be a good idea.
DC have same father and same access.
Imagine one child going off to dads for the weekend.
The other googling 'sperm bank daddies 2013'

AThingInYourLife Fri 03-May-13 11:43:23

Bringing a child into the world with a man you know to be abusive is unbelievably irresponsible and selfish.

Having no dad is better than being forced to spend time by law with the kind of man who would kick his child out of their home because he was bored with fatherhood.

If you went to a sperm bank, would you choose the sample labelled "domestic abuser"?

The last thing anyone needs is for this prick to have another child.

anonacfr Fri 03-May-13 11:52:10

Also you don't know how controlling he might turn out in the future- how about school choices or even random things like extra curricular activities.
I remember a horrible thread a while back where a 'father' was making huge difficulties for his children because they weren't playing the right musical instruments.

You have to look at it long term- not just when the children are babies and toddlers and they're all cute and he has to defer to you as the primary carer.
If he was abusive and controlling to you he could use your children to manipulate you as they get older.

So yes, having another child with him would give him more control over you.

VenusRising Fri 03-May-13 12:01:17

He's abusive, you are gas lighted to think he's going to be magically nicer. He's inboard with you as he wants to control the situation, not because it's you.

You may find he has another kid very soon with his new girlfriend, just to rub your nose in it.

Get a puppy.

Your dd will be fine as an only.

It's your hormones in overdrive to want another bio child. Not to put too fine a point on it, you're 40 and the chances of having a less than perfect child are high now: how would you cope then?

You may meet a lovely divorced man with kids yet.

Don't go back to the abuser!!

joblot Fri 03-May-13 12:29:03

What athinginyourelife said.

And what happens if child has special needs? Will he and you be just as happy with that scenario?

Basically, don't do it, it's for you and him, not the child, i.e. Selfish reasons

Floggingmolly Fri 03-May-13 12:36:38

He has form for ea and gaslighting? You would be seriously nuts to even consider this.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 03-May-13 13:40:54

I suspect that, whatever you do, he won't remain so involved with your dd when she becomes less cute and compliant. So, the difference in parenting between her and a donor-dad child might not be as great as you think. Plus, if you go down that route, either he'll distance himself from you, or be unpleasant about it so that you'll distance yourselves from him. The contrast might not be so great as you imagine.

mathanxiety Sat 04-May-13 00:54:45

I think you are projecting your own hopes and dreams onto both this man and your DD. And you are still feeling guilt for the breakup and seeing this man now as a collection of problems you could possibly solve rather than a huge problem in your life - enough of a problem to make you think you had come away the winner when you left with nothing..

You are thinking with your ovaries. Sit tight and get a puppy.

Start looking at what you have, and the position of strength you now occupy that enables you to be a good mother to your existing DD, and stop pining for something that would be very bad for a potential child and would really only be a way for you to assuage guilt you have over this man and your child. Your DD will be starting into the terrible twos soon (a naturally narcissistic phase that most people grow out of), and that I predict is when her father will suddenly start to suspect she is a separate person from him. That means she will suddenly be dealing with his narcissism (because the principle that other people are separate individuals is something narcissists cannot accept, plus there is only enough oxygen in any given room for one narcissist at a time) and she will need you on duty 24/7 and not distracted in order to protect her.

I have a feeling you feel guilty that you have abandoned a man whom you believe to be some sort of diamond in the rough, and that just a bit more accommodation from you might result in some sort of magical transformation. If it was just you getting involved in this role of angel I would be very worried for you, but you are seemingly seriously thinking of taking the ministering angel thing one step further, and do not seem to worry about what exposure to this man will do with either the child you already have or the one who is just a gleam in your eye right now.

A child can't be brought into the world with a ready-made full time job, or in the case of the baby you are thinking of, two full time jobs - father's therapist and sibling's best friend and family for when you are gone.

Homebird8 Sat 04-May-13 03:48:56

Another DC, wonderful - but not with this man. It seems like he thinks he owns your body. 'What a good receptacle for my offspring' he's thinking to himself. 'And free childcare from her too.'

Would you trust him to leave you to make all your own pregnancy choices or would it all be 'That's my child you're carrying' and 'See, she can't get enough of me even now. Doesn't know her own mind?' All sorts of horrendous extensions to that chain of thought. hmm

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