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DH said, DH left, waves is still being sick but into the third timester

(995 Posts)

I haven't been around here for a while, as I was worried that twunt was reading MN to find out what my thoughts/plans were. He may very well still be doing that, but he's gone now, and my new mission is to reach out for as much support as possible (trying to see it as a sign of strength to ask for help rather than a sign of failure), so here I am.

Back in January DH (hitherto referred to as twunt), told me I had to fix the marriage etc, then within days I found out he'd been texting OW to say our marriage was over, researching late abortions etc. This was when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant, and still have hyperemesis, necessitating almost daily visits to hospital for IV meds and fluids. Twunt left just over a month ago, and I now have lodgers in, which is helping with the mortgage.

I'm trying to be strong for my DCs, but at times it all gets rather overwhelming....especially as it is not really that long to go until my little acrobat makes an appearance. Before then I am on a twunt detox, and am trying to have no contact with him whatsoever. My DCs are being very good (most of the time), despite having to cope with their step dad (who planned to adopt them) just disappearing, and me being so ill all the time. But it is obviously challenging for them.

Terrified of the summer when acrobat arrives and the inevitably of facing up to a form of contact with the utter shite who left me in this predicament - our baby was wanted, and planned for. Lots of other practicalities to consider too, and considering investing in a diary so that I can put things onto paper rather than leave things spinning around in my head....

Anyway, I'm back, and hoping that there will be some virtual hands to hold as I continue to battle the hyperemesis, hormones and general challenges of the final trimester, and the impact of the not so "D" H's departure.

RugBugs Wed 01-May-13 11:57:16

Waves I'm not surprised you sometimes find it overwhelming. Any single one of the things you've got going on would be enough for anybody. I'm in awe of how well you and your DCs are doing.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 01-May-13 12:10:30

You are doing so well to keep the show on the road single-handed despite daily hospital visits, feeling lousy with HG, etc. I love the 'acrobat' by the way - excellent name for a wriggly bump!

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 01-May-13 12:14:56

<reaches out to hold hand>

Well done. I remember your thread. What a twunt he has been.

You have achieved so much. I am glad you have found a lodger as I seem to remember your stbXH was using the mortgage to worry you into submission.

Well done. I agree with a diary. Writing is therapeutic.

BookieMonster Wed 01-May-13 12:17:09

I'm good at handholding and I'm in Oz so around when everyone else is asleep! flowers

angel1976 Wed 01-May-13 13:32:08

waves I didn't post on your last thread, I tend to lurk but I was just wondering about you the other day and how things panned out for you. I am so glad you seem to be holding up so strong. Do you know you can get counselling on the NHS? I didn't until I read it on these boards. It might help you work through some of the pain you are going through.

P.S. I am going through a similar situation (my DH upped and left less than a month after telling our marriage has been s* for a few years, news to me!) but I am getting through it and feel mich stronger than a month ago. My boys are keeping me going and the support of my friends have been invaluable. Don't worry about asking for help, seriously, you can always repay your friends later on. Best of luck! smile

WobblyHalo Wed 01-May-13 14:10:14

Waves, you are the reason I delurked.

I followed your entire thread right until the last post and then you dissapeared. And because I had only been a lurker, I knew no-one would point me in your direction to see how you are.

So I've slowly started posting here and there in order to build up my 'credibility' and also look out for you.

Your story resonated with me because my sister was going through the exact same thing. Much planned for second baby and her husband decided that he didn't love her any more and dumped her whilest about 15 weeks pregnant. Even tried to buy her off, and also telling her that she must give the new baby (a boy) to him and she can keep their first child - a girl. It was horrendous.

They are now trying again to sort their marriage out, although I know he will let her down again. She is just not strong enough to see it now while she is pregnant.

You on the other hand have been amazing. I am so in awe of your strength, eventhough I'm sure you can't see it now.

You have done the right thing to go twunt free and I am routing for you and little acrobat and your other children too! You deserve so much more and you will be fabulous. Just believe in yourself.

Always here xxxx flowers

EmilyNugent Wed 01-May-13 14:20:36

How weird. I've been a lurker for a long time too, Wobbly, but am now starting to spout forth!

I remember your thread, Waves, and it's lovely to hear from you. You are doing the right thing and we're all right behind you. Come here any time and we will keep backing you up with positive vibes!

WobblyHalo Wed 01-May-13 14:43:39

<waves at Emily> grin

WobblyHalo Wed 01-May-13 14:45:01

I've just discovered smileys too.

Waves, you got my first bunch of flowers!

Oh, it's lovely that some of you remember me, and that I got first flowers!

I'm having such a wobbly afternoon. I stupidly looked at me and twunt's early emails and fb messages and they are so loving and he is so wonderful sounding in them. It's like I want to forget the dreadful things he has said and done and go back to how things were. And not be all on my own in this. I have to go to hospital every day for IV fluids and medication which is draining. And as my bump gets bigger it's harder to get everything done round the house. I need not to contact him, but it's such a temptation.

I've managed to sell something else today though (he's not helping at all financially) so the money can go into the baby pot. It's again utterly beyond where I thought I'd be, rooting through the house finding bits I can sell so I have a little financial buffer. As he won't pay any maintenance without going through court, so I don't know how long after my little acrobats arrival we will have to manage without that.

Trying to muster together all my survival instincts. I'm sure it will be ok, just feels lonely so all these hands to hold are much appreciated.

tightfortime Wed 01-May-13 15:57:44

Hi waves,

I delurked to post one of my first for you back in January so you clearly have that effect on people!

Glad to hear acrobat is doing well but wish you were feeling a bit better physically.

However I'm thrilled the twunt is gone and the detach has started. Don't forget you will go through a whole wave of various emotions now.

Relief mainly.

Don't stress about babs, these things always find a way of working out and sure, you've a gagle of virtual godvipers godmothers on here to help out.

flowers

tightfortime Wed 01-May-13 15:58:33

Oh and that baby pot? Use it to get a solicitor. Fast.

mistlethrush Wed 01-May-13 16:00:38

Waves - remember, that was all a fictional character that he was inventing for you - what he has done since has shown his true colours. Keep up with the non-contact - you're doing so well!

AndMiffyWentToSleep Wed 01-May-13 21:44:47

Hi Waves, I've been following since your first thread and all through your other one too. It it so impressive to see how much you've organised in terms of lodgers etc in such a short time. It would be impressive even if you didn't have hyperemesis, but really, you're incredible!
I also think your coping amazingly in an emotional sense, although of course that will be slower progress and more up and down - you are still incredible, though!
I've been meaning to delurk to ask if you'd pm me your wishlist?

WingDefence Wed 01-May-13 21:52:47

Hi waves. I can't believe he's checked out of this situation financially as well as emotionally and romantically sad When it does come to CSA etc, do they backdate it otherwise can you get the ball rolling now so it's all in place as soon as the acrobat arrives?

Much love brew

wispa31 Wed 01-May-13 23:53:58

hiya
im a lurker too, though posting more. i remember your thread also and wondered how you have been doing.
wrt to csa - you cant make an application until your little acrobat arrives, then once you do they will start charging him for maintenance from the date they contact him to advise you have made a claim. thats either the date they speak to him on the phone, or if they cant reach him by phone they post the enquiry form to him and the date they post it will be used instead to set the effective date of the intial assessment.
its usually around 12 weeks from making a claim to 1st assessment completed so he would be charged for those weeks waiting for assessment.

WobblyHalo Thu 02-May-13 05:30:34

Waves, it's okay to feel down. You"ve been through A LOT. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through.

Have you been able to get more help in rl? I know you were so busy with you music that you had little time for friends.

And your mum? I know she was useless not very helpfull to begin with. How is she now?

Just take it one day at a time. We are here for you. I wish I could jump on a plane and be there for you, but I'm on the other side of the world. (Am planning on winning the lottery soon though and promise that I will be putting it to good use when I do wink.

In the meantime, I'm here holding your hand xxx

auntpetunia Thu 02-May-13 08:09:09

Wobbling allowed! Probably a good idea to delete all his play acting texts and emails, because that's what he was doing.

Don't wait for acrobat to be born approach the CSA now and get all the information in place so that you can claim as soon as he's born,don't let Twunt get away with not paying.

Keep asking for RL support and in the meantime there are loads of us here for hand holding across the internet. You have and are doing so well you need to believe it. Get your lovely notebook and highlighters out and you'll see how well you're doing.

Thing is, I don't want to delete all the texts and emails. Everyone, and I mean everyone, that I know, said they have never known me so happy as I was when I met my husband, and we got married. I've had such a rough time with my exH, and with my mum (detox from her happening too at the moment), and part of me wants to hang on to it all. I'm still struggling, to be honest, to cope with the idea that it was all play acting. I am not sure that it was, maybe he just lacks maturity, and couldn't cope with the reality of blended families and a new baby, and an ill wife? And part of me thinks that I have massively overreacted to all of this.

I want to be happy again like I was sad

I have a homestart volunteer coming round this morning to help with bits so I will see if she can find out about the child maintenance issue for me. The less I need to do practically, the better for me, for acrobat and for my DCs. Then off to hospital, and then school run, then a friend is coming with her DCs after school so the children can play, and we can have a natter.

auntpetunia Thu 02-May-13 09:03:57

Oh sweetheart you haven't overly reacted that's what's been drummed into you by the witch and even ExH just read back your very first thread on here and remember what he said …your title was something like "told me he doesn't love me " that was the truth, he wanted you to have a late abortion whilst texting OW that your marriage was over! That's the real him not the storytelling in your early messages and texts. Stop making excuses for him "lacks maturity " "couldn't cope with blended family " NO IT'S COZ HE'S A SELFISH BULLYING EGOTISTICAL BASTARD! And when you wouldn't follow his way he showed his true colours. And remember other people in RL agree.

I understand wanting to keep them in a way but you have to realise it's like picking a scab you just make detox harder for
yourself.

auntpetunia Thu 02-May-13 09:06:03

Sorry that's come across like a teacher shouting at you grin didn't mean to have[flowers ]

auntpetunia Thu 02-May-13 09:06:43

flowers

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Thu 02-May-13 09:22:49

Wowy, I read your first thread. Sounds like your doing so well, you've got him out the house. I can't believe he wants you to take him to court for maintenance for the child he wanted. What a spineless arse.

As for the old messages, they are a sign of the person he was and the promises he made to you & your family. You'll get to the point where you feel able to delete them.
I'm so pleased you've popped back on to update, I was only thinking of you the other day xxxx

mistlethrush Thu 02-May-13 10:53:29

"Couldn't cope with a blended family" - he went out of his way to make sure his children behaved awfully to you Waves - and would not even keep them moderately quiet when you were so ill in the house. That is not 'not coping' that is blatant abuse. (Sorry, but you do need to be reminded of that).

Thanks for the reminder mistlethrush

Just had a friend send me a video clip of us messing about with some new songs, from before twunt was on the scene. And I sound and look really happy. So I think I need to remember that I was actually happy before! It is a very confusing time emotionally.

My homestart volunteer cleaned my bathroom for me today. It is embarrassing in a way to need all this help, but actually it made a huge difference. I just have to stay out of it until the cleaning smells have died down as it sets me off being sick.

getthegirladrink Thu 02-May-13 14:43:53

<de-lurks>
<grabs hand>
<would offer flowers but on phone and no flowers to offer>
smile

Well, I still haven't called or texted twunt. That is nearly a week now.

I feel though in a way that this means there is no going back. He will say that I didn't bother keeping in touch so that's that. And I know deep down that that should be that (do I get a prize for overuse of "that" in a sentence?) but part of me still wants the promised happy ending. And not to be lying alone in bed, apart from the cat, and finding tears coming out of my eyes.

And maybe having been so "hard" I've blown it.

I sort of know that this is part of the emotional roller coaster, and I also sort of think that these doubt are a result of what he kept saying and trying to make me believe, about how it was all my fault etc. and I also know that I find it easier to believe that because it echoes how my mum is/was.

But I still hate the feeling.

On a good note, a lovely friend came round after school with her DCs and we had a brilliant time. All the children got on amazingly, even though it's about 2 years since we properly met up. She came armed with the most gorgeous hamper of goodies for me, all pamper type things. It was so unexpected and so very kind. We are meeting up again very soon, and once again, it makes me relieved I opened up to people in real life

LiveItUp Fri 03-May-13 09:05:04

If he's washing his hands of Acrobat in the sense of taking on board ANY responsibility, then I'm sorry but he doesn't get the lovely cuddles and playing at being an amazing dad bit either. Sperm donors don't have the responsibilities, they're not a dad to the child. Dads take on board responsibilities, financial and supportive. The way he's behaving, think of him as just a sperm donor. Don't sweat about having to arrange contact and handing Acrobat over until (or IF) he steps up to the mark. Harsh, but he can't have it all ways.

Don't take on the worry about taking him to court to be financially supported. Let him take you to court for access - and keep all those communications where he says he won't pay a penny of maintenance.

You haven't been hard. He was hard on you. All through this. When he wanted to 'make amends' didn't he say that he'd take you back if you accept all responsibility and apologise to him, making sure you never challenge him again? Hasn't he forced you, sick and pregnant to move furniture, and make houseroom for him and his brats? Hasn't he been cruel enough to acuse you of faking, or milking your hg?
And you think you were hard? You offered compromise, you tried and tried to make him better, kinder, more humane. He's a hard faced bastard without any sense of responsibility or compassion.

Thanks for the reminders about twunt! It is easy for the rose tinted spectacles to make their way to my eyes....

I have to confess, I tried to call him today. I rang his work number but there was no answer. Which is a really good thing as I'd be kicking myself if I'd spoken to him. So, that's a whole week now. It IS hard though, because I was genuinely prepared to work at fixing our marriage, and he clearly doesn't have the same feelings as me. Still, I am reminding myself that my lovely little acrobat will have a very loving family.

I'm tired, I am not doing any housework tonight. I am fed up of daily vomiting, and feeling nauseous. And kind of fed up of not having anyone to just be here and love me, and help me. This isn't how things are meant to be. I think that I will go to bed in about 20 minutes and try to sleep. Maybe tomorrow I will feel a little more positive.

wordyBird Sat 04-May-13 00:01:27

Ah yes, the rose tinted spectacles are blinders really, and will only bring frustration if you put them on. I'm glad you couldn't get through to him.

Though I do understand that addiction, the thing that draws us towards people who have harmed us and will harm us again. It makes no sense. But there it is....You just have to keep detoxing, or there will be much greater misery when you go through it the next time. sad

We'll hold your hand through it waves.

I hope you sleep well tonight and have a pleasant weekend with the DC. Any home made ice cream on the cards, or shouldn't I mention that ;)

Read your last threads Waves and well done on being so strong, your ex really was vile, soon you will have a gorgeous baby to take your mind off that idiot xxx

MissBlennerhassett Sat 04-May-13 00:29:53

Hi waves, I also don't post much but remember your previous thread. I'm bowled over by the strength you've shown.

These mixed feelings are natural but there are very good reasons he's now gone and you have lodgers. In fact, instead of reading past emails from twunt you could read your old thread. He behaved shockingly. I was unnerved by his petulant and cruel behaviour.

You are well shot of this pillock. It's good to see you back here and to hear how well you, your dcs and your lively little acrobat are. You may feel crappy but what you've done is really, really positive. Here's my hand. I think you're a superstar flowers

themidwife Sat 04-May-13 18:11:15

Marking my place ....

I want to call him sad I feel so, so lonely, and so upset. I want the man I fell in love with to be right here giving me a cuddle.

if you called you wouldn't be speaking to the man you fell in love with. You'd speak to the twunt he is nowsad stay strong, remind yourself about the bastard he really is, Going back a bit, you once said that all through your relationship you compromised, you went along with his wants and needs. you put him first. The same isn't true. He put himself first as well.sad

wordyBird Sat 04-May-13 19:38:28

Offering a hand to hold...

brew

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 04-May-13 19:54:26

he isnt the man you loved. He has gone over and beyond being nasty to you. You must NOT call him. It will only upset you further. If you want someone to talk to, then PM me and I will give you my number. You can call me instead.

PS - glad I found new thread. Stay strong, you are much better than you have been led to believe by the destructive people who are supposed to love and protect you.

I didn't call him. Thanks for the messages, it helped. I had a really big cry and now I'm in bed. DD is snuggled in with me, DS is camped out on the floor next to the bed and the cat is in here too!

I need to find and re read my original thread. I'm so caught up in the memories of how amazing life with him was before, and how this baby was meant to be coming into a very different life to this. And this is such a hideous time with me being ill and feeling isolated by that as much as everything else.

I'd been half planning to go to hear some live music tomorrow, but saw on the event page that his ex is going to be there too. She has been utterly dreadful in what she has said about and to me, so I think I won't go now. She's the mother of his children, as opposed to the ex he was secretly texting way back when I started posting about the problems. It's a shame as quite a few of my friends are going, but it would just spoil my time. Well, that's what I'm worried about.

Hopefully I'll get to sleep fairly soon, I feel too sad to be awake.

wordyBird Sat 04-May-13 21:55:54

Well done on toughing it out. It's not easy, I know. Can you make a contingency plan if you get the urge again - phone someone else, play a music track, cuddle a pet (or DC) - anything to get you past it!

Do you think a couple of your friends might come with you to the music event - kind of flanking you, like heavies smile ... so you can still go but don't feel so vulnerable? It's a thought. Depends how you feel entirely.

Thumbwitch Sat 04-May-13 22:37:23

Waves, I hope you're getting some sleep now but listen, I still have an old thread that I saved for you, and I've saved the latest one for you as well because I strongly believe you need to keep that one, as it's got a lot of positive stuff in it.

The to-ing and fro-ing of emotions and beliefs re. Twunt will continue for some time - I can safely say it was a year before I knew that I wouldn't ever take ex-fiancé back, and many years before I stopped having the occasional dream about him being back. Some of those were deeply disturbing, I have to say!

All I can say to you is remember that, at your lowest point, health and emotion wise, this bastard has abandoned you and that is ENTIRELY HIS CHOICE AND HIS FAULT.

(((hugs))) lovey - I'll pm you re. the saved threads and you can let me know if you want them.

He has texted me, just half an hour ago. Set me right off into floods of tears. This is what it says:

Hi, I know you don't want contact with me and I understand why, I just wanted to check that you and the baby are ok, if you need me to do anything just let me know ok

I don't know whether or not to reply..... And I would WANT to say "Well you know I am not ok, which is why I had to have a PICC line inserted, because I need daily treatment. Baby is ok judging by the amount of kicking going on. I am also not ok, because I am having to manage everything from finances to the practicalities of running a house by myself, since you decided our marriage was meaningless. And yes, I need you to do something. I need you to revert back to the person I was when I married you, sold my house, and gave up all my security for you. I need you to erase the absolutely horrific time you have put me through. I need you to be here when I am vomiting into the toilet, and collapsing, and bashing my head, or my elbow, or my knee as a result. I need you to be hunting around for the baby equipment bargains and going off to collect them, instead of me doing that around hospital appointments, housework, and looking after DS and DD. I need you to take away all the pain and the hurt that you have caused.

But I won't say that.

I don't even know how or if to reply.....

wordyBird Sun 05-May-13 15:02:40

I think that is a really good reply – not that you should send it – but it's true, from the heart. And it shows you're still kicking a** even though you're down. You are amazing, frankly.

The trouble with his text, his oh I understand I've been awful, I'm ashamed - but I care really attitude, is that it's all guff.

If it came from a normal man with feelings it might mean something.

But it comes from a man who wouldn't even get out of bed for you, couldn't even comprehend why he had to(!) and still grumbled about it. Wouldn't even get your medicines for you (if I recall correctly). Wouldn't keep his children quiet to help you get some rest. Doesn't believe you're ill even when in hospital attached to a drip.

That requires huge levels of inhumane callousness.

So it's that behaviour that has to count, not the nicey nicey words in the text. He doesn't mean them: doesn't even understand what he's saying, does he.

So best ignored, as I'm sure you'll do anyway, waves. I wish he'd leave you alone, and a nice new man would appear when you want him...

How is the weather where you are? We have sunshine today…

Weather is pretty nice here wordy - I am washing bedding after our invasion of not-so-welcome head visitors, and have one last load to get out on the line, then my friend just texted to say she's just arrived at the pub down the road, so i am going there to listen to some music for an hour. Then home, sort the kids tea, then I have babysitting sorted later on, and another friend is collecting me to take me back to the local pub for the evening music. It is about a 2 minute walk but her logic is that if she collects me I will actually go, as opposed to moping around at home. Feeling a little ropey, but determined to try to enjoy myself. Or at least pretend!

I haven't replied to the text. I might do, but I doubt it. But if I don't it makes me feel a bit rude. I certainly won't be sending the "from the heart" text.

My DD has to research a mammal for her big write homework this week. She is banned from giraffes (by her teacher) as she is soooo obsessed with them and involves them in pretty much everything. So she has chosen the hippopotamus. One of the facts she discovered today was that hippopotami give birth in water.... led to us having a chat about how I will give birth to little acrobat, and that I'd quite like to give birth in water too. Anyway, that was a nice distraction for me from the emotional rollercoaster, and feelings of sliding backwards and potentially falling off.

auntpetunia Sun 05-May-13 15:20:30

He's playing with you! 5 or 6 days away and he knows that you'll be getting used to him not being around getting on and doing stuff. He really is a bastard! Don't reply or reply yes I want you to fucking leave me alone until baby is born.

Hope you're enjoying this sunny bank holiday!

cenicienta Sun 05-May-13 15:23:18

DON'T REPLY!!!

wordyBird Sun 05-May-13 16:11:15

Ah, good to hear you are going to go out after all. Three cheers for your friend.

It's good drying weather here too, luckily I got most of it done yesterday for once smile

Best response to STBX is no response. But I know what you mean about feeling rude.

If you can't resist replying, something coldly offhand might do. Such as
'Right.' or 'I see.' ...end of text. But nothing is best.

Wasn't your last detox interrupted on day 5/6 by him contacting for some it urgent stuff to be had? He's spacing these contacts well isn't he? arnt you on day 5/6 again? And he knows you don't want him to contact, but has so little respect for what you want, that he will contact you anyway. Dickangry

If he understood he would NOT contact you. Not disregard your feelings again. Selfish selfish man. The opening if that text really tells you all you need to know. He is aware if your feelings, but doesn't care or value them enough to respect them.angry angry

He doesn't value my feelings at all does he sad

There was "real" contact when he came for his bits and bobs a week last Friday, and then he texted me on Monday about money he owed me that he'd transferred. I ignored that one. So, yes, he is timing these interruptions very well.

I still haven't replied. So, I will focus on getting the DCs their tea, then think about trying to motivate myself to get changed for this evening.

themidwife Sun 05-May-13 17:06:53

Don't reply lovely - it'll open the floodgates! He'll then start telling you why he HAD to leave you blah blah!!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 05-May-13 18:48:06

go out with friends, enjoy the evening and dont reply to his text! Utter, utter fuckwit that he is.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Sun 05-May-13 19:10:06

Enjoy your evening!
I agree with not replying. You won't succeed in making him feel guilty or realise how badly he's behaved.
(By the way, I remember hearing that hippos also breastfeed in water i.e. baby is underwater whilst feeding. Don't think you should try that one yourself though!)

wordyBird Sun 05-May-13 19:40:50

The time interval is interesting, isn't it.

Perhaps he has to get a fix of controlling and manipulating you every few days, waves - or rather, trying to. An even better reason to make no response.

Hope you feel well enough to go out this evening, waves. Have fun!

TeresaGreene Sun 05-May-13 21:24:52

Hi Waves I have followed your threads since the beginning but I am finally delurking to say that I am so so angry on your behalf that he sent you that text. He really is messing with your head. How dare he pretend to care about you and the little acrobat when he has left you not only pregnant, which is about as low as you can get, but also terribly poorly, and with financial worries. I honestly can't believe the cheek of the man. You are a real inspiration and you should be so proud of how you and your lovely children are doing in such difficult circumstances. Please accept these flowers because you deserve them smile.

MissBlennerhassett Sun 05-May-13 22:26:40

Agree with Teresa. Makes me so mad! Manipulative git. I really hope you had fun this evening and am also very glad you have some good RL friends. Stay strong lovely smile

AgathaF Mon 06-May-13 08:16:43

A agree with everyone else, don't contact him. In fact delete his text so that you can't keep re-reading it, then file it away in your mind in the compartment for 'unimportant shit' and shut the drawer.

Hope you got out last night and enjoyed yourself. You're doing well on the detox. I hope he doesn't ramp it up now you have ignored him. That would be just his mind-fuckery style. Be aware he might, and on your guard in case he turns up at your place.

mistlethrush Mon 06-May-13 09:02:33

Please don't worry about feeling 'a bit rude' by not replying. After what he has done to you you would be justified in being very rude - but I know you're too nice for that.

He's contacting you for one of two reasons - either he needs his 'fix' of control, or he thinks that its about time to reestablish his control over you.

I hope you got to the music last night and enjoyed yourself

Well, I did go out for a couple of hours last night, was quite exhausting, but at least I have got over the hurdle of confronting the real world, as opposed to only being at hospital or home.

I did contact him in the end, but I phoned rather than texting. He is now clear that I do not want him contacting me, and understands that should their be any major developments I will make contact with him. He was not "nasty" so much, just wittered on about how he loves me, but isn't in love with me, and therefore we have no future. That I am not the person he thought I was when we got married, and that he is obviously not the person I thought he was (he is right on that count at least).

At hospital today I had a chat with one of the midwives who thinks it is very important that I get a plan of action for when the baby arrives, and I don't suddenly find myself with no practical support. So I will speak to the people who are coming into help at the moment and see what can be done. I also need to make arrangements for the DCs for when I go into labour, and potentially the pets, although I am sure that the lodgers will help.

Last thing I will do is ask twunt or DM (henceforth to be known as the witch). DM is back on form, having let her have the DCs round this morning and for lunch, she then threw a strop when I said I had plans to spend time with them this afternoon. She told both of them they wouldn't be getting a treat because I am punishing her confused What a wicked, utterly toxic thing to do to young children. It's just about me spending time with my children for goodness sake. So all ties being cut there for a while again sad

Thumbwitch Mon 06-May-13 15:10:07

Ah no, please don't refer to your ma as "the witch" - it gets me all edgy! wink - can we call her TB (toxic bitch) instead? Please?

Glad you are talking to the right people and I hope that Twunt has taken on board what you've said to him. Please remember that any noise he makes about "loving" you is utterly negated by his foul behaviour. Words are easy - it's the actions that count. And the only thing that's "changed" about you is that you aren't prepared to take any of his bullshit any more - which can only be a good thing! smile

Have some thanks and virtual wine - you probably need it after dealing with that precious pair today.

TB is ok with me.

I've had an up and down day. I made a picnic tea and took the DCs to the beach where they had their first swim in the sea of the year which was lovely. But when we got back, the past hour really, it's been hideous drama. DD locked herself in the bathroom and I was calling and calling and eventually my lodger had to break the door down. She wasn't dead or injured, just soaking in the bath oblivious. So I have had to screw all that back on, so it's kind of fixed. Then DS went nuts after his bath, yelling, punched his sister, and when I asked him to go to his room he refused. I tried to get him up and hurt my arm with the picc line in, and when I finally got to his room I fainted again. He is still so stroppy. I want to go to bed so I think it needs to be an early night all round.

This is when it all feels too much. I physically cannot cope with the bad behaviour, and stuff like having to refix doorframes! It also feels a bit like having to walk on egg shells all the time with having lodgers in. If the children raise their voices I panic that the lodgers will decide it is a horrid noisy house and move out.

And then I want twunt back. To take some of the pressure off. It's all too much just now.

AgathaF Mon 06-May-13 20:04:56

Waves - would he really have helped though, or would he have made the situation worse, and judged your parenting into the bargain? At least you could deal with the situation as you saw fit.

Glad you had a nice time at the beach.

Tomorrow's another day smile.

themidwife Mon 06-May-13 20:11:55

I agree - he wouldn't have helped. He would have complained about your DCs & encouraged his to behave badly to make matters worse & be rude to you too.

oldwomaninashoe Tue 07-May-13 16:21:48

How are you doing today Waves?

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 07-May-13 23:22:44

you ok waves? weather still nice here, so hoping its still nice where you are too.

Listmaker Wed 08-May-13 13:45:30

How are you doing Waves?

It's been a hard few days. Damned twunt breaking the detox and confusing my emotions all over again.

Today I had the horrible GTT and also my 28 week antenatal check. Weight has dipped again, so once again I am below my pre-pregnancy weight which is rather disheartening. As of course is the ongoing vomiting!

It has also made me realise that I am on the home straight to acrobat's arrival, and I am really worried about how I will cope with a newborn by myself, given I have 2 other DCs, a house to run, a menagerie of pets, and lodgers.

TB is going to receive an email later on this evening, setting out why she is no longer allowed to take the DCs away for 10 days in the summer, and why contact with them is off the cards until she is able to control her behaviour; in particular the way she speaks about me to them. It's the right thing to do, but yet another thing to deal with at what is a horrible time.

I'm actually feeling a bit frightened about how I will cope the next couple of months with the ongoing pregnancy issues, and how I will cope when acrobat is here. I am planning to start setting up a support network, and my task for the evening, after email to TB, is to write up a list of household "chores" and work out how my DCs can help, and where I may need helpers over the next few months.

And berate me, and tell me I am stupid, I got all emotional on Monday and sent twunt a text saying I missed him and was prepared to work at things if he was, so we could get back to being the family I thought we were going to be. He didn't even reply sad Which I suppose is all the answer I need.....Still beating myself up for losing will power, and breaking like that

themidwife Wed 08-May-13 21:21:54

Ah sweetie of course you will wobble. You're being really strong regarding your TM which is the first step to also becoming strong re twunt.

I bet the GTT was gruelling for you & am amazed you kept the lucozade down - 12 weeks to go - I'm sure you'll feel much stronger emotionally when you feel better physically thanks

LiveItUp Wed 08-May-13 21:45:39

Don't worry. Things will work out. You have an increasing number of people around you who want to help, and you will be fine. One day at a time. Having Twunt back is not the answer though (even if he did want it, which he doesn't - don't forget those early texts to his new OW). On the face of it, it may spread the chores that you are fearful of coping with on your own, but is not the answer for all the reasons you know.

Well done on your approach to TM. Completely the right thing to do. She will do all she can to diminish you in their eyes, and that is unlikely to change. Ever. Expect her to go a little ballistic in the meantime though - she has been using those lovely DCs as a weapon against you. sad She has shown you once again that she can not be trusted with your DCs.

Not long now. Once the sickness has stopped you will feel so much stronger and able to cope with it all. Be kind to yourself. flowers

I've emailed her. Pressed send, and it is done:

Dear mum

Given the events of the past few weeks and months, I have had to reconsider your offer to take DS and DD to [xxx] in August this year.

Sadly, until you can manage your behaviour towards me, particularly in front of the children, manage the way you speak to them about me, and the dialogues you have with them, I do not think that it is healthy for them to be around you.

I truly hope that you can take some time to reflect on your attitude to me, the boundaries that I feel you continually cross, and the damaging effect that this is having not just on my children's relationship with me, but will potentially have on relationships throughout their lives.

I am not prepared to enter into any form of argument about this, and would just ask that you make contact again when you feel ready to reconsider your role as my mother, Ds and DD's grandmother, and able to give me some assurances that your behaviour will be more suitable in future.

waves

And midwife the GTT was horrific - had IV anti emetics before the horrid syrypy oily solution, but was laid out trying not to vomit. And it took me 13 minutes to drink instead of the required 3.

I don't think I will ever hear from my mum again. She has form for holding long term grudges - didn't speak to her own DM for around 30 years. And petty disputes escalate into decade long wars with her. On her part anyway. But I can't have her ruining my relationship with my DCs, or poisoning them as she seems to be. I only want them to know loving relationships. She is very very toxic, as I am coming to realise.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Wed 08-May-13 22:13:38

Wow, Waves, I'm really impressed with that email! Good for you!
And don't worry about the wobble, it's only natural.

TiredFeet Wed 08-May-13 22:18:06

waves I saw this in active, well done for somehow surviving the GTT. you really are on the homestraight now, and if you can survive hyperemesis then a new born will feel like a breeze in comparison. I am keeping all my fingers crossed you get a lovely placid baby too smile

your mother sounds dreadful. that is the last thing you need right now

themidwife Wed 08-May-13 22:19:14

WELL DONE YOU! Sorry for shouting! grin

pointythings Wed 08-May-13 22:25:30

Waves hard as laying down the law with your toxic mum has been, I think you have done yourself and your DCs a huge favour. Let her keep silence for thirty sodding years - that's 30 years' peace for you. You deserve that, don't you?

She has no automatic right to see her grandchildren. Grandchildren deserve loving, caring grandparents who do not use them as blunt instruments to beat their own children with.

Once acrobat is here, (worst case scenario) you will stop feeling sick. I think once you no longer have the crippling sickness, the world will be a different and more hopeful place for you. I am in awe of you - I was 'only' sick for the first 20 weeks (though it was 24/7) and I thought I couldn't handle that. And here you are at 28 weeks, having got rid of a toxic H (albeit with the odd wobble), a toxic mother, sorted out your house and got lodgers in - you are amazing.

Don't worry about your DCs' bad behaviour. They have probably been walking on eggshells with twunt around, and are now showing that they trust you by being themselves, i.e. imperfect and sometimes requiring duct taping to the back of doors. It's proof you're doing everything right - mine are always lovely at school (to the point where I am not sure their teachers are talking about the same children) and leave all their potential awfulness for at home.

LiveItUp Wed 08-May-13 22:33:31

grin You are truly amazing.

Thumbwitch Thu 09-May-13 00:40:37

Waves - the odd wobble is normal, and you are lucky that he ignored it. But he will use it against you next time he contacts you - be prepared for him to have increased again in arrogance, because he will assume that your "begging text" is how you feel all the time, not a one-off low point wobble, which is how you need to think of it.

Congratulations on a beautifully thought-out and worded email to the TB - I am sure you are right and she will be so offended that she won't speak to you again for a very long time but given her kind of "help" that will probably be an improvement.

Strong brave woman! I too am awed by your ability to keep going with the sickness all the time, I'm terrible with it and can't do a thing.

Tortoiseontheeggshell Thu 09-May-13 01:55:15

Waves, you lovely amazing woman, I'm happy to see you back. I think about you a lot. You are doing astoundingly well, and I know that's bare comfort when you don't want to have to be so strong, but it's worth a lot in the long run.

I honestly think that you will find a newborn plus other DC easier than the current situation. The HE is colouring everything, and once that's gone and you have some strength back, everything will feel more manageable.

Would you consider deleting twunt's phone number from your phone? Just to slow you down on those awful nights?

ljny Thu 09-May-13 01:56:50

Delurking to say how awesome you are. You are doing so wonderfully, love - it won't always be this hard.

I can't believe how much you've accomplished - children, house, lodgers, getting rid of Twunt and toxic mum - despite your illness. You're a super star!

So glad you're reaching out in real life and hope you find lots of help and friendship from non-toxic people. We're all bowled over by you and we're all rooting for you. Little acrobat will have cyber-aunties all over the world. flowers

WingDefence Thu 09-May-13 05:05:22

Waves, can I just echo what pointything said. My DD is 6 weeks old tomorrow (blimey that's gone fast) and it hasn't been as bad this time round buoy will have your lovely DCs to help out and acrobat will fit in around your lives, which for you will include not feeling or being sick and eating tons of food biscuit biscuit biscuit

Thinking of you x

auntpetunia Thu 09-May-13 07:38:42

Fabulous email, no prevarication or emotion so she can say she didn't understand just cold hard facts! Hope it puts her in her place.

DCs will play up it's what kids do especially ones escaping from the tyranny of twunt, it's normal.

Well done with the GTT bloody horrible thing at best of times.

You can do this acrobat will just fit in around you and the DC he has no choice. You're right to plan ahead now, especially
Work out who is going to have DC when you're in hospital, make sure they know what the plan , are often the unknown can make them act out as they are scared but can't articulate what of. Involving them in planning might help.

Get your RL support in place so everyone knows what's going to happen …and remember YOU ARE AMAZING!! flowers

AgathaF Thu 09-May-13 08:15:56

Great email waves - exactly what needed to be said, and left open for her to contact you if she should ever go a personality change.

The odd wobble with Twunt is to be expected, particularly in view of your ongoing awful sickness. As Thumbwitch said, I am sure too that he will use it against you at some point, or maybe he is already doing that - using it as a power trip to ignore you. Never mind though, you are moving in the right direction, and as everyone else has said, once your acrobat is here and the debilitating sickness stops, you will feel stronger mentally and physically, and the world will look a better place (excepting the few hormonal days after delivery, of course, but they pass).

You are making good solid plans for support and have already done so much in that regard.

You are doing so well - I just wish you could see that as well as we all can.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 09-May-13 08:16:40

well done waves, you are taking control of your life. Stay strong.

Hi waves I hadn't seen this thread til this morning but am keeping up with your journey on the AN thread. Can I echo everyone here, you're amazingly strong and will manage just fine when the acrobat arrives. We're all here and it sounds like you're building some true RL support too. Take care of yourself thanks

CheerfulYank Thu 09-May-13 09:08:35

I haven't read your previous threads but just based on this one I am very proud of you! You're being so strong with so much on your plate.

<stands and applauds>

Thank you all. It is hard to believe that I am being strong when it feels like I am clinging on my by fingernails, and simply surviving each day.

I need to now start making lists. A list of general regular chores around the house, so that I can encourage the DCs to help out with things on a regular, more certain basis, and also so in the case of me being too unwell or distracted with acrobat's arrival, I can have some help. A list of contingency plans for when I go into labour, and a list of help I think I may need in the first few weeks with acrobat. Last thing I really want is to be playing hostess with a newborn, but realistically I am going to need help.

It feels so sad though, that I am having to make all these plans.... it really isn't how it is meant to be is it. Even though it may be (is) for the best, it still takes me by surprise sometimes, when I get completely overwhelmed by the feelings of loss, and sorrow, and, I suppose, surprise. As well as anger. That is certainly starting to emerge. Selfishness, utter, utter selfishness of a man to see me marry him, trust him, give up all my security in selling my house, plan for and make a baby, then turn into a total TWUNT when I needed his support the most.

He has left me to sort out my DCs (who he professed to love so much he was going to adopt them) alone, sort out lodgers in order to pay the mortgage, cope with daily hospital visits and this hideous, incapacitating vomiting and nausea, buying/sourcing everything for acrobat, sort out childcare for my return to work, and the list goes on and on and on.

His most helpful idea (from weeks ago) is that I can "just downsize". He has completely ignored the fact that moving is VERY expensive (but then I paid for all the buying and selling costs last year) and that I won't be able to afford anything other than a tiny flat with no parking in the wrong school catchment area if I did. And the last thing I want to do is end up in a place that is not suitable for me and the DCs. But then, he has no concept of the reality of this all, given that I funded everything with this place, and because he is the NRP to his boys, he can move around where he wants without any concern about disrupting their education. Selfish twunt.

Head is spinning again, too many thoughts, I think I am going to be sick sad

Hurry up July!

themidwife Thu 09-May-13 09:29:47

By the way - I told the family support workers at the children's centre I work at your (anonymous) story & they & the NCT breast feeding counsellors are collecting goodies for me to send you. A big parcel will be coming your way. They all wish they could support you in RL so your local equivalents will be happy to. thanks

mistlethrush Thu 09-May-13 12:37:25

Great email Waves! And it was only a wobble so don't berate yourself about it!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 09-May-13 12:39:12

there are more kind, considerate people around than you know waves.

midwife what a fantastic thing to do. flowers

waves YOU and the DC will be fine, because you will make it fine. While this isnt what you envisaged, it is the harsh reality. Twunt will never ever stand on his own two feet while he has women running around doing everything for him. sad

Get angry, but dont let this bring you down. Hormones will be playing havoc at the moment and once Acrobat is born you will get on with things, because you have to. Dont expect twunt to be anything other than his selfish self.

WingDefence Thu 09-May-13 13:13:37

midwife what a lovely thing to do thanks

midwife that is so kind and lovely of you.

I'm having a terrible, terrible day. Twunt finally texted back saying he doesn't love me, feels absolutely fine with himself because he won't let guilt rule him anymore, and it's not his fault I am ill.

DD is being an absolute nightmare, and I'm stuck in the house with them. I can't go out because every time I move I am being sick. It's just not something I can cope with today. And therefore I feel that the whole future is very very bleak.

I can't understand how the man who loved me so much can leave me to all this. I am fed up of hearing that it is for the best. It isn't for the best. I don't have my house anymore, I'm pregnant and ill, and can't manage. I am worried I am not going to have a job to go back to when it is time to return to work. And even then, it is going to be such a struggle to manage. 3 children, work, part time teaching, uncertainty about this house, legal proceedings.....

I wish I was closer by to any of you. Because I feel so, so alone. People in RL don't really know what to say. The situation is so hideous. And both my lodgers have guests arriving today, so I have tried to have a good tidy up. And DD is STILL yelling her head off in the garden.

I want this to be a bad dream, and I want to wake up now.

ljny Thu 09-May-13 13:47:33

It isn't for the best. He's a shit. Wolf in lamb's clothes.

Oh love, I wish some of us were closer. Can you ring any RL friends? Or that homestart volunteer?

It's so hard to ask for help, especially when it all piles up on you.

Worst scenario - just get through today. Tomorrow, ring or email, or even post on fb, saying sometimes you could use some help with the kids, for a few hours, when you get really poorly. Try to get a list for next time.

For now, hun - one step at a time. One day at a time. This too will pass. And I promise, when acrobat arrives, it will actually be easier.

Has DD stopped yelling yet?

Thumbwitch Thu 09-May-13 13:56:51

Well as per normal, he has let you down yet again and managed to stick the knife in to boot. What a peach.

I KNOW that you want it all to be a bad dream, that you want things to go back to the rosy way they were this time last year. Of course you do - who wouldn't?
But, and I say this kindly, you are doing yourself no favours at all thinking about that time. That was the dream, it was never real. You must, for your own sanity, start to make that your reality now - he never loved you. It was all fake.

As for the rest of the horror of today - it will pass. Why is DD yelling her head off? Can she be reasoned with? What is DS doing?

I wish someone was near to you as well, you need hugs and support in RL, especially since your own mother is such an enormous let down as well.

((((hugs)))) for you anyway - it WILL get better when the sickness stops, and that WILL happen when Acrobat is born, if not before.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 09-May-13 14:28:11

I wish we were closer too. You are having a horrible day and twunt is being his real self. angry

Looking back is not good for your health, mentally or physically. As the saying goes - there is no future in the past. sad

He is a prize prick - for everything he has said and done in the past and his newest revelation. You really must not hanker after a life with him - there is no reason to, he has told you he doesnt love you. You need to dig deep, find some self esteem and respect yourself enough not to contact him again. He is relishing in twisting the knife, surely you dont want to have someone in your and the kiddies lives who is so fucking callous?

Please contact some RL people, your volunteer, your friends, neighbours and get them to help you.

TiredFeet Thu 09-May-13 14:40:12

waves I know its a few weeks off but I am in J for a few days at the end of the month and if you are still feeling like that then may I try and come over for the day if there is anything I can do to help, shopping or cleaning or anything or even if you would just like a listening ear (will be an excuse to catch up with relatives too so you neednt feel like it is a trouble). I will check if you do nearer the time x

She stopped yelling. She is full of cold and just having a completely contrary day. Squabbles with her brother and couldn't calm herself down.... I haven't been well enough to take them out, and there is so much going on for the local celebrations. So, that has upset her too.

I'm too tired to face RL people today; unless I can put on something of a brave face, I just can't handle people coming round. Am going to hide in bed in a bit I think. And I need to stop looking back, I know I do. It's just that back then was such a perfect time, or so I thought. Really perfect. At least he has been brutally honest with me now, but it doesn't lessen the shock. And where I am, hormonal and still with the HG causing problems, it doesn't really feel like things will get any better.

xposted there - tired if you are over, then would be lovely to say hello. Thanks for the offer.

themidwife Thu 09-May-13 14:54:02

I can understand how you feel - it must be really tough honey hmm

One thing I wanted to say is that I doubt he ever really did "love you so much". He just played a part like an actor. If he had of course he wouldn't have treated you like this. It's not that he fell out of love with you because he never did. I'm sorry. He conned you.

Hi Waves, sorry you're feeling so terrible sad

Excellent email to your toxic mother, I'll never forget her running your foot over in temper! She'd be doing you a favour if she decides to sulk for 30 years!

Shame you texted twunt again and his answer Twunt finally texted back saying he doesn't love me, feels absolutely fine with himself because he won't let guilt rule him anymore, and it's not his fault I am ill. shows who he really is, how he really feels and why we call him a twunt.

PLEASE try to remember his brutality and cruelty when you next think about how you'd like him there to hug you, take off the pressure etc. I don't know how you're going to do it, but you have to move on now and take life from the present day instead of keeping that one little foot in the past. The past, where delusion ruled. The past, which was not as rosy as your imagination lets you think it was. The past, which was full of promises.

Onward, Waves! You are in charge of your own life now and it will be whatever you make it. If he was with you, he'd be causing even more grief than he is now. Really. I think getting rid of your mother's toxic voice in your ear will help you to stop feeling so worthless that you think this twunt would actually improve things. Chuck your rose-tinted specs in the bin and look forward instead of back.

Have you printed out all your threads yet? And highlighted the positives and negatives in different colours? Think this would be a most useful exercise at this point.

I do hope you feel better soon thanks

shiningcadence Thu 09-May-13 16:21:53

Hi waves, I've followed your threads from the start. I haven't posted before because I'm rubbish at advice but I have been silently willing you and your little family on. I wanted to post so you know there's yet another mnetter behind you. I know it's tough at the moment lovely, I really do. But think how much you've done in such a short space of time... Now think where you'll be in a years time. Honestly it will get better. This from someone who has been there (though didn't have the hyperemesis on top of everything else - I'm sure that makes it a million times harder to cope with). You will look back on this and be amazed how you coped with it all.

Twunt is an absolute arse and I can't believe he used the line 'you weren't the person I thought you were'. What a load of utter bollucs. When you marry someone you continue to love them as you and they change over time and you discover new things about them. You don't stop loving them because they weren't exactly how you thought they'd be. What a pig and utter excuse for a man.

The thing that upset me was when he told you he was coming for. Chat one night and you stayed up waiting. He ended up doing a no show an going out with his sister. That broke my heart because I could just picture you sitting there waiting hopefully. If he was at all decent he would've turned up then even just to talk things through. He owes you that and more. I think you need to make a list of all the horrible things he's done and look over it regularly to remind yourself what an utter bastard he is.

My feeling is that one day in the future he will see you happy and living your life (probably after baby's born) and want a reunion. What I would love more than anything is for you to hold your head high and tell him to piss off.

Anyway, know you are in my thoughts waves and the thoughts of many others who are amazed and inspired by you.

BerylStreep Thu 09-May-13 17:08:18

Hey waves, chin up. One day at a time and all that. It will get better, I promise.

LiveItUp Thu 09-May-13 17:14:29

So sorry you're having such a crap day. Would your lovely neighbour just be able to take the kids for an hour to play with hers? I'm liking the fb idea too - just put out that you're continually being sick and would really appreciate some help with the kids, just a couple of hours here and there - I'm sure lots of your friends would leap in to help. They may not know what to SAY, but give them an opportunity to DO something useful for you.

I'm with others. I feel that you have stalled in your move forward as you have paused to spend a few days looking back. Time now honey to shut that chapter, and move on. Looking back won't help now. It's actually hindering you, pulling you down. Get through today, and then look forward. Small steps, one day at a time. But keep looking forward. And I know that what is ahead is what is terrifying you, but capture that thought that you had before of this summer, Acrobat born, NO MORE SICKNESS, soaking in the sunshine, eating your gorgeous ice-creams. That will be your reality in just a few weeks time.

Sorry, waffling on now and you just want to go and rest. Well done Midwife - lovely idea smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 09-May-13 17:26:37

Lost you for a while, best wishes waves, you are 10 times the person your ex will ever be. In love with himself, more like. So many supporters on here, all willing you on.

themidwife that is a lovely thing to do.

It's a new day, and hoping today will be a better one. Off to hospital earlyish I hope for a change, then a quieter day with the DCs back at school.

My doula emailed me last night, suggesting that, as a way of moving forwards, I write a letter to my future self. My biggest fear is that my birth experience and early weeks with acrobat are hampered by the feelings of disappointment and anger. But as she says, I am grieving right now, for the loss of my relationship, and for the loss of my health to some extent. And anger is a natural part of the grieving process. I don't really know where to start with the letter, or what to say in it though.

I am disappointed. That is the overwhelming feeling. Disappointed in myself for trusting twunt, and for giving him so much of myself, for giving up the security of my life "before" and setting myself on the path that I am now on. Disappointed in him, for being so utterly selfish, and emotionally immature (incompetent?). His sister texted me yesterday saying "he just wants to be on his own, but she is sure he will support me when the baby arrives, he is an awesome dad" Anyway, I emailed him later to say that given his feelings, I want absolutely no contact going forwards, other than for him to confirm if he will agree a written maintenance arrangement without making me go to court for it.

There will not be any happy endings as far as he is concerned. Much as a crave for the happy ending I thought he promised, it won't be with him. It is doubly sad, because I never had a happy family life - TM is largely accountable for that, and having cut her out, it is a stark reminder of how alone I actually am in all of this.

He will not be "supporting me when the baby arrives", he will be staying away from the safe nest that I am going to try to build up over the next few weeks, and as for seeing the baby, well, that is something else to consider. But it won't be here, he won't be taking my acrobat away until breastfeeding is truly established and in some sort of routine, so we will be meeting at a neutral place, maybe a local cafe, and the times of that will be arranged to suit me and acrobat, so he will have to accept that those times may need to change. Whilst you may think I am planning a bit too far ahead, I need to know what will be happening, rather than be railroaded into positions I am uncomfortable with in the days and weeks following acrobat's birth, when I am most vulnerable.

I do worry that it will be hard on DS and DD if twunt decides to play the great dad role. With their dad being entirely absent, anytime that twunt takes acrobat off, not only will they be being separated from their baby brother, they will be reminded that they don't have a dad.....

So many worries, and feelings, and emotions. All coloured by the fact that I am being so, SO sick.

AgathaF Fri 10-May-13 08:35:10

Waves you may not have had a happy family life in the past, but your little family (children) that surround you now are your present and your future. It is up to you and to them to make your current and future family life happy. You can and do do that. Your great kids are testament to it. Embrace what you have and enjoy your family now. You don't need a fake like Twunt to make that complete - it already is.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 10-May-13 09:11:58

Sounds like you have found a perceptive and astute woman as your doula, waves.

You have every right looking back to feel disappointed and let down. Not saying that Twunt won't exceed expectations and somehow step up and provide your baby with some kind of paternal input, but it's going to be sporadic at best.

Bluntly your two older children have got along so far without a reliable dad figure. By the time Twunt may offer your DC3 the sort of relationship they've missed out on, they'll be old enough to have the measure of him and realise (if they haven't already) that when he did have the chance to play 'the dad role' to them, he threw it away in his haste to play the reluctant husband.

springykitsch Fri 10-May-13 10:57:55

One thing to bear in mind: when acrobat arrives, you will no longer be being sick!

You have shown you have incredible resource, and there is no reason why that resource won't be as apparent as always once acrobat arrives. You will have one debilitating symptom completely vanish, you won't have one foot nailed to the floor.

Your mother is, indeed, a toxic bitch. She ran over your foot with the car ffs (when you were arriving at hospital for treatment FFS!!) - imo you don't need to explain why she can no longer be in your lives.

It is no wonder you married a toxic shit when you have been schooled in toxicity from the off angry

However, one thing stood out to in your drafted email reply to vile, vile vile twunt:

I need you to revert back to the person I was when I married you

Do you see the 'I' where there should be a 'you'? It may have been an inadvertent slip, but it says a lot, no? He is not you, and you are not him. YOur mother is not you, and you are not her. You aren't one person. You can step away from these people, you don't have to secure their agreement.

I hope that isn't too complicated with all you are coping with. Please bear in mind that you have extraordinary personal resource (as I said above) and try not to project forward, worrying about how you'll cope. You may be half dead at the moment but you are making your way through each day, and doing an extraordinary job in horrible circumstances.

You were not wrong to give yourself to him - you were normal and human. It is he (and her) who is not normal is, in fact, a toxic shit/bitch.

Sending you strength and love and support (in spades) xxxx

Thumbwitch Fri 10-May-13 14:04:08

Waves - despite your current disappointment, which is entirely understandable, look at the positives you have achieved while being vilely sick every day - an achievement for me would have been getting out of bed in your position.
• You have taken the bull by the horns and ejected him from your family home
• you have organised your home into 3 separate living areas, and advertised for, interviewed for and acquired 2 lodgers.
• you have managed to keep going with looking after your 2 DC
• You have kicked your toxic mother into touch
• you have managed to even go into work, despite everything
• you are growing a healthy little boy who is going to bring you such snuffly joy when he is out and you don't feel sick any more

You are a Titan! Please turn your face away from the darkness of your past, look toward the brightness of your future with your little family of you and the 3 DC - it's Going To Be Fab. xx

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 10-May-13 14:23:10

Totally agree ^^ you can look ahead to better times regardless of Twunt + Witch muttering on the sidelines.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 10-May-13 17:22:50

I agree with others up thread. Look forward, you have done some amazing things whilst being very ill! Dont put yourself down.

Morning everyone....I feel totally crap today! Took the DCs to their swimming lesson first thing, and spent the whole time in the loos being sick. Swimming pools smell dreadful. BUT I am very proud as DD got her 50m badge and DS got his 100m badge. Acid reflux is now causing me utter agony, and I have decided I hate being pregnant. I hate, hate, hate it.

My consultant is getting me to try just the oral meds for a week, although going up to the ward on Monday and Friday to have my urine tested, and have IV fluids if the dehydration has kicked in again.

Today my plan (having done the list of household chores) is to start writing my diary in the beautiful journal that arrived (thank you to whichever lovely viper sent that from the wishlist) and write a letter to my future self as my doula suggested.

DS has popped round the neighbour's to play with nerf guns, and DD has just finished tidying her room. So a quiet time ahead for me. Hopefully we won't need to leave the house again as I don't think I can face much more than lying on the sofa. But that is ok, just getting through today in one piece will count as surviving, won't it.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 11-May-13 10:56:22

yes it will - getting through the day minus all the chores is good too. You are doing so well, you dont give yourself enough credit. <hugs> Enjoy writing in your journal.

I survived today, although ended up doing loads more than intended due to an electrical problem which required me to empty my biggest bookcase and move it, and then ,when the problem turned out to have nothing at all to do with the socket behind it, have to move it and reload it. So, I didn't get to do anything much else at all.

Loud house this afternoon too - both lodgers have people staying, and they took over the kitchen to have a meal together. Is it ok to say that I don't really "enjoy" having to share the house all the time, and race the children through bath time to ensure it is free for lodger 2, and always do the dishes immediately so they aren't cluttering the kitchen? It's an added pressure, but necessary.

Off to bed soon, feeling tired and a bit sad. But I am off to a friend's tomorrow afternoon so the DCs can play, and we can natter. I told her what twunt said about things, and she text me back saying she thinks I am amazing to be managing so well and that "DH = idiot + twat"

Which makes him a twidiot I guess.

themidwife Sat 11-May-13 21:43:38

It must be hard - I couldn't cope with sharing my house like that. I'm so sorry that twidiot put you in the position where you have to in the first place !!

pointythings Sat 11-May-13 22:12:08

I like 'twidiot', I think it could catch on.

And waves, PLEASE stop putting yourself down if you possibly can, the whole world (well, MN), is telling you that you are superwoman. Believe it.

wordyBird Sat 11-May-13 23:24:28

You must be exhausted waves.
Hope you get some rest, and have a good day with your friend tomorrow.

-- Twidiot, I like that...

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 12-May-13 10:21:20

Im sticking with twunt - because he isnt an idiot, he is a calculated fucker who knows exactly what he is doing!

waves rest as much as you can, and have a lovely time with your friend today.

I would struggle to share my house, but understand that it has to be done for now.

TiredFeet Sun 12-May-13 13:24:06

hope you have a good day today at your friend's waves and that it lifts your mood a bit.

you are doing amazingly to cope with people in your house. I'm not that ill now and my family came round to help yesterday and even that I struggled with at times as I just wanted peace and quiet and to sit and not move! I hope the lodger's visitors go soon.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sun 12-May-13 15:22:31

God he is a twidiot and a twunt!

I'm glad I found this thread as I followed your last one and posted on it a bit as well. It's awful he's still managing to cause you pain and suffering, and I hate him for that even though I don't know you, I do know that it's an awful situation for you and it's Not Your Fault and you Don't Deserve To Be In It.

Hope you having a day with a few nice moments in it xxx

Please try to keep focused on :
- you won't feel sick forever!
although I bet it's hard to remember that. It's SO hard to keep going and struggle through awful times when you are ill. You've done an amazing job even just getting to here, but remember you are going to feel better soon, and it will become just that bit easier cos you're body will be behaving itself again - be helping you not falling apart.

- you won't be alone forever, but it's better to be alone than with cruel people who attack you emotionally all the time.
I can hear the strength of your loneliness coming through, and it's really horrible for you. But you've done the right thing, two really awful influences on you are now distanced. You are protecting yourself against them which is really really good. Well done! You won't remain alone forever though, you'll find friends and lovely people gradually come into your life, and in a few years your life will not feel like this anymore. Try to think of this as the dark before dawn...

I really feel for you, and totally understand about how it feels when the person closest to you abandons you when you are suck and need him most (I became disabled and h the wanker left me with a tiny baby, huge debt and v v ill).

I'll never forget the horror and misery of that, and the unreality of it all - its so so wrong that it feels like it almost cannot be true. And then you have to cope with everything, whilst feeling at your absolute worst. And people say youre being strong and id be thinking 'no im not, i have NO Choice but to keep existing!'. I hated being called strong for a while there, but now, I do feel quite proud of being strong through that, and understand that just surviving, that's strong and something to be proud of in itself.

And now I'd rather know what he is like than still be carrying on deluded and not able to rebuild my life cos I was still living a lie. I hope some day you'll be able to say the same about yours too.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 12-May-13 16:04:24

Hope you and DCs are having a nice time with your pal and her family, waves. I know it's economic necessity that put you in the role of landlady, but quite reassuring sometimes to have other adult company around, hope they are pleasant types who clear up after themselves.

Glad you came through your traumatic time and can send waves a positive message, DoubleLife.

Thumbwitch Sun 12-May-13 16:04:54

Waves, it IS hard to share the house and kitchen - but your lodgers aren't going to have a meltdown if you don't do all your washing up immediately.
Do you have a dishwasher? If not, may I recommend you get one as soon as you are able to? It does make a huge difference in terms of washing up/kitchen "stress".

I have lived both as a lodger and a landlady to lodgers and washing up can become a bone of contention from both sides! It may be an idea to have a rota, depending on how much each person is contributing to the washing up creation (but the dishwasher is still the most important thing) - or you may all have to do the washing up immediately so that you all feel the same pain - or you can relax a little, if you have enough in the way of cooking pans and crockery etc. and not feel pressured to do everything immediately.

In the end it's YOUR house, even if it is also their living space - if you need to leave the washing up until the next day or whatever sometimes, then so be it. They might even do it for you. smile

Re. the bathroom/bathtimes - what is the scenario here? I seem to remember that one of the lodgers has an ensuite, is that correct? Because when the baby comes you may need more ad hoc access to the bathroom yourself, in which case some other arrangement may become necessary for lodger 2 - is this possible?

In the end, you may have to discuss options with the lodgers - they both seemed like nice people when you took them in, so I expect they will be reasonable - just be open about your needs as much as theirs and see if you can come to a reasonable compromise.

I also prefer to stick to Twunt, btw. He might also be an idiot, but he's still a twunt first and foremost.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 13-May-13 09:08:01

I always worry that when waves goes 'offline' she has had contact from twunt/toxic bitch. And then gets back into the cycle of what ifs. sad

waves I second a dishwasher, it makes life so much easier.

I think your lodgers will be amenable to some flexibility, its about living together and making it work, everyone has their foibles and you have to work round each other. Do you have an en suite? And for the record, your DC wont stink if they arent bathed EVERY evening. I used to bath both mine every single day, until someone told me that my kids werent dirty urchins working down the coal mine. grin

LiveItUp Mon 13-May-13 12:47:16

Jax even dirty urchins working down the coal mine only used to get baths once a week wink . I agree though - every couple of days is plenty.

I also worry about T/TB continually knocking Waves off her path of detox. Too much to hope that they will respect her wish to stay out of her life.

Waves - here's hoping you had a good day yesterday with your friend and the DC's had a fun time playing.

Ok, maybe I should relax on bath frequencies a bit....

I'm here, been struck down with hideous cold that DS and DD have passed onto me. No contact with T and only contact with TB was to ask her (by text) to return the DCs swim bags and spare uniforms. She hasn't replied yet.

I'm still wobbly and what-ify, but trying ever so hard to remember that I am not the one in the wrong here, and that although things feel so wrong, that things will end up ok. The loneliness is pretty crushing. I have taken to going to bed at the same time as the DCs just to avoid the being alone feeling in the evenings.

My next big challenge is to arrange emergency childcare for the DCs in case I have to be admitted to hospital for any reason, or when I have the baby. Having had a quick look at the delivery rooms this morning whilst I was up there, I am really a lot more keen on the idea of a homebirth. Especially as the midwife showing me around said that it was likely I'd need continuous monitoring because of my baby measuring so small. That really is the last thing I want.

Oh, and the children and I had a lovely couple of hours playing with my friend and her children yesterday.

Plodding on, every day is a little closer to acrobat's arrival, when I will feel so much better physically of course.

captainmummy Mon 13-May-13 14:22:52

sad about the lonelines, waves. At least you are getting planty of sleep! And you can always come on here in the evenings.

You are doing so well. I hope you get emergency care sorted, maybe a friend can step in?

TiredFeet Mon 13-May-13 16:04:25

waves hope you are doing ok today. I find having the tv on in the evening helps stop the house feeling too empty, but depends if you can tolerate noise. I know what you mean though, I struggle all day with ds and find myself counting down tiill bed time, then when he is asleep I just want to wake him up so I have company!

glad you had a nice time with your friend smile

if you do have to give birth in hospital, what I did last time was take in a few 'props' to look at to relax me so I wasn't only looking at hospital walls and equipment. one thing I remember I took was the super gorgeous pramsuit I had bought for ds it was all white and fluffy and I looked at it and thought about the baby that would be wearing it.

you are doing brilliantly and one day you will look back at this time and feel so proud of how you coped.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Mon 13-May-13 19:38:53

Hi Waves hope you ok (ish) today. Your last post made me smile just a little bit cos I am actually in bed now as ds just went to sleep!

I can't stand being in my living room in the evening, unless I've got people round, as it feels weird and makes me more aware I'm on my own. So bed, books, films and mumsnet is the best thing for me at the mo.

So even if you feeling very lonely and retire to hide in bed, you're not the only one doing that, and it will get better x

Thumbwitch Tue 14-May-13 00:57:06

Look at the early bedtimes as a positive, Waves. The more you're asleep, the less time you're being/feeling sick - bonus! grin

What does your doula think of the homebirth idea? (You did see a doula, didn't you, I didn't imagine that?) Even if you manage a homebirth, you may still need to go into hospital afterwards, depending, so you still need to have emergency care on standby for your DC. Do they have school friends whose parents would be willing to take them for a sleepover at short notice?

Still doing well, it's showing that you are now trying to remember that you are innocent in all this, rather than relapsing into taking all the blame - a huge mental step forward, well done! thanks

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 14-May-13 09:07:01

morning waves a new day today, hope your oral tabs are helping.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 14-May-13 09:54:17

Hello waves sorry you're full of cold, pamper yourself if you get the chance.

Hope you manage to think up some contact numbers for childcare. I am sure if Acrobat suddenly decided to start things off after school one evening and you preferred not to ask the lodgers to keep an eye on them, your neighbour would step up at least to take your DCs and maybe even give them something to eat before a friend arrived to collect them.

Help......massive pain in my rib cage. Actually "ouching" out loud. Flippin painful as anything! Tips? Advice?

Still full of cold, less full of wobbliness and what ifs. Had a chat with a friend yesterday who was genuinely shocked that I sort of asked whether he thought twunt had been out of order. He was a bit confused and basically said he has been a shit of the highest order. I was so WAY off the mark in thinking that people would think it was all my fault.......

I'm seeing my doula again Friday evening, so will chat through the homebirth idea then. I had planned a homebirth with DD but I developed kidney problems at around 34 weeks and had to be induced at 37 so that went out of the window. Just having a think about who I could ask for help with the DCs should I need to go to hospital, and have a couple of people in mind in terms of sleepovers, and will also work out who I could ask for school pick ups, tea etc, but some of the mums of friends at school will, I am sure be able to help with that.

Tired I like your idea of props for hospital - that is a VERY good idea if I need to be there. In fact, even if I have to be at home it will help! I have a lovely aromatherapy in labour kit (thank you to the magic of MN for that), and can take along some nice relaxing music, then I think I and my doula are going to work on a labyrinth picture, to help me focus during labour. A fluffy suit may not be good given acrobat is due end of July, but maybe a sweet summer outfit smile

Bed time for me as soon as possible - DoubleLife - I meant to thank you for sharing your story (if I didn't already). It is hard in the evenings, but I figure that the more time in bed and sleeping, the less time being sick/feeling crap/worrying about the past present and future.

captainmummy Tue 14-May-13 19:17:00

The pain - is it like a stitch ? Or like the baby stretching ? My babies used to ram a foot under my diaphram and push and twist ! Painful.
If you are worried, phone the hospital!

Honestly waves, you still think it's your fault? None of it is your fault! He is just a horrible, manipulative cold unfeeling bastard. People will be able to see that.

Pain is like a stitch all the time, right near the breastbone, then it magnifies ENORMOUSLY. Talking tears to the eyes kind of stuff. Have tried stretching myself but nothing, not even jabbing myself in the ribs with my finger is helping. DD is super worried now as I have been all writhy and ouchy on the sofa, I can't help it.

No, I don;t really think it is all my fault. He is a prize twunt/class a twidiot. But I remember a warning sign, huge red flag, that I should not have ignored. He had this big list on his fridge, handwritten, entitled "reasons why "twunt" is amazing". It used to make me feel very insecure - incldued things like "says he loves me" "takes me on random adventures" "buys me presents" "is awesome in bed" "Is an amazing dad" "Is very good looking". I eventually asked him to take it down - he claimed he had forgotten all about it, and his ex (the one he was texting back when I started posting) had written it.

I have no idea why I ignored that, other than that my programming is a bit fucked up, and I so desperately wanted to believe it was all real, and special to me. But really it wasn't at all sad and he is quite odd to have kept that on his fridge.....

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. So I feel stupid for ignoring that red flag. But I know I am not a guilty party.

Flipping heck this hurts.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 14-May-13 20:31:42

oh waves what a self obsessed twunt. Imaging if this was your friend telling you the fridge poster thing... you would be telling her Yuk, thats gross! at the very least. None of this is your fault, none at all.

The pain, have you been coughing/sneezing and maybe pulled a muscle? Or baby got his foot stuck in a rib? You poor thing, might be an idea to call the hospital and ask for advice.

BerylStreep Tue 14-May-13 21:05:33

No words of advice, but wanted to let you know I am reading.

Weird fridge thing. I went out with a guy once who seemed to love having ex girlfriends' stuff around. Photos, sentimental pictures etc. It made me feel very insecure. I think he got off on it but he was a complete dick

auntpetunia Tue 14-May-13 21:34:54

That list was his "rules " if you will his list of things he had to do to be a normal decent human being! He had them so he could check off that he was doing all the right things to get a lovely woman like yourself. Once the list went he couldn't keep up the charade, so you saw his true colours.

I've been doing funny stretches, and the pain is finally easing a bit. Still waiting for uniforms to dry then straight to bed for me....

Good news to report (this asking for RL help thing is actually pretty good), I texted my friend who we saw on Sunday about emergency childcare for further hospital admisisons/labour etc, and she said she'd be honoured to have the children! grin Apparently her two adore mine, and have been on about a sleepover for a little while. And we only really got back in touch after a year or so of "life being in the way" a month ago, maybe less?! So, that is a HUGE relief, and someone else offered - the DCs know her, but not so well, so I have both a plan A and a plan B for them.

Hurry up drying, the cold/cough thing is making me vomit more, and the retching and vomiting is making my sinuses really hurt. How I could do with a RL hug right now.

Very insightful auntpetunia, and maybe he just ran out of energy to carry on with the "rules". Especially when the reality of a sick and pregnant wife, blending families, and moving into a house that needed work kicked in.

I am better off without him.

Autumn12 Tue 14-May-13 21:50:46

You're doing really well waves. I've read a few of your threads and your husband has been a total arse. Never doubt yourself you are doing a great job for your DC.

BerylStreep Tue 14-May-13 22:17:29

Waves, forgive me if I am wrong, but did you not post on a thread before H became a twunt, with a similar list? D you think you were subconsciously trying to make that list 'yours'?

beryl yes I did, it was a thread about reasons for loving your DH. I posted all the lovely wonderful things he did, said, how he made me feel etc. I'm sure that seeing the list on his fridge set off some insecurities in me. When really I should have run a million miles from a man who kept something like that up. Live and learn.

Thanks for all the ongoing support..... I am genuinely hoping that twunt stays well out of my life for the remainder of this pregnancy.

TiredFeet Tue 14-May-13 22:47:57

pleased to see you have the emergency childcare sorted waves! your friend sounds lovely.

BerylStreep Tue 14-May-13 22:56:12

Sorry, that was insensitive of me. blush

themidwife Tue 14-May-13 23:16:15

My very similar ex used to have lots of photos of himself "hilariously" gurning, many many mirrors, ex gf's underwear & sex toys, nude calendars & posters of porn stars all over his house. MASSIVE RED FLAGS. I too ignored them as a result of my hard wiring. We live & learn Waves eventually. You couldn't help not spotting it at the time. thanks

Thumbwitch Wed 15-May-13 04:29:29

I agree with themidwife - your programming was all wrong, even though it made you feel uncomfortable and insecure, I'll just bet you thought that was because YOU were wrong, not that your gut instinct was shouting at you that HE was all wrong!

You are really coming along brilliantly - no one is going to trap you like this again, you're learning to break your hardwiring and that other people are NOT like your mother/twunt. Hurrah! thanks

Hope the stitch/whatever goes away and lets you sleep. x

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 15-May-13 08:09:31

Waves, hope you feel better this morning and the pain/cold/vom is better. <gentle hug>

Do you think that getting in touch with friends that you havent been able to see over the past year was inadvertently due to twunt being in your life? Almost consuming your life and making your friends/relationship balance out of kilter?

Just a thought that occurred to me while reading your recent posts.

themidwife Wed 15-May-13 08:11:40

Yes Jax has hit on a good point there. Did he subtly isolate you from your friends? Anyone who might have noticed the red flags?

Jax - I definitely think that twunt being in my life made the friends/relationship balance out of kilter.

I really do hope that I get my programming properly fixed now. It's frustrating because I tried really hard to fix things (programming wise) after my exH, and actually did 2.5 years of total singledom/celibacy to focus on my children and myself. Then dad died suddenly and it really threw me. It was against that background that I had a brief completely ridiculously unsuitable relationship, then shortly after got swept up by twunt.

I'll share one of my slightly "odd" reactions to dad with you - just because it still makes me smile. The night after he died my sister had flown back and we were all staying at mum's house. I was out in the garden in the evening and saw a super cute little animal (I think like a ferret or pole cat) and IMMEDIATELY got it into my head that it was dad's spirit come back in animal form to say goodbye to me. So, I went to stroke it, and the bloody think sunk it's teeth into my wrist and wouldn't let go, I was waving my arm about, blood pouring down my hand, and it just wouldn't get off. I ran to the door, and when mum saw the creature she slammed AND LOCKED it so I couldn't get in. Eventually I managed to prise its jaws open with my left hand and then spent a good few minutes being chased around the drive by it before I finally managed to get to the door, and beg mum to let me in.

I had to go to the GP the next morning for an antibiotic injection. And whilst I am smiling again now at the ridiculousness of the situation, it was a bit wrong of DM/TB to actually lock me out, despite seeing all that blood and me yelling in pain.

Anyway, ribs are still sore, but a little less so this morning, only vomited once so far (but did oversleep horrendously due to not being able to get to sleep last night so I've only been awake 50 minutes), and the cold is still in full flood. However, the sun is shining today, and I don't want to call twunt. AND I have decided to cut my losses with respect to the swim kits and uniforms. TB clearly wants me to beg her to return them, or is playing some power game (despite the fact that I paid for all of that stuff), so I will see if a friend to help me into town this week or the weekend to replace it all. Oh, which means I need name tapes too.

(Is it ok to admit that I still feel like I am pretending to be super strong and positive? And that actually it really hurts that twunt is such a twunt and that I am gutted he has been such an utter arse to me, and that acknowledging that TB will never be and has never been a proper mum to me, is quite painful?)

buildingmycorestrength Wed 15-May-13 09:15:52

waves I don't know your story as I have not read it all, but reading your last post is awful.

Can you imagine seeing your daughter (even as an adult) being attacked by a wild animal and locking her out of the house rather than trying to help in some way ? Or at least calling an ambulance for the bite?

That is just totally shocking. shock. I'm totally horrified.

building - no I can't imagine doing that at all, so my DD or DS, or the little acrobat who is getting bigger inside me each day. And I guess that is the whole issue with my "D"M. She was more concerned about not wanting said wild animal in her house, and therefore left me out there, bleeding and needing help. And hence why my wiring is so out when it comes to normal relationships, and why I ended up with twunt, and am now on my own in all of this.

And she LOCKED THE DOOR. Because she didn't trust me not to try to get into the house confused

"so" should be "to" my DD, or DS.....

or even to a total stranger, or even to twunt or DM for that matter!

buildingmycorestrength Wed 15-May-13 09:59:01

I get it. sad

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 15-May-13 10:10:40

Seems to sum up your mother's attitude of self preservation and aversion to protecting you, waves. Agree probably better to write off DCs' stuff and incur extra cost rather than try and get it back.

Glad your ribs are less sore today.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 15-May-13 10:12:14

oh love, its no wonder you succumbed to twunts advances. sad

He swizzled and charmed you then left you high and dry. angry

Of course you feel loss and pain - acknowledge those feelings but move forwards, dont be dragged down by them.

Lots of liquid - if you can stomach it to help with cold. Can you online shop for the uniform/swimming kit and maybe get someone to pop in to shop to collect?

Thumbwitch Wed 15-May-13 11:06:35

"Is it ok to admit that I still feel like I am pretending to be super strong and positive? And that actually it really hurts that twunt is such a twunt and that I am gutted he has been such an utter arse to me, and that acknowledging that TB will never be and has never been a proper mum to me, is quite painful?"

Waves, it's fine to admit that you feel like you're pretending. The more you pretend, and make it habit, the more it will become your reality. smile

It is also linked to your self esteem issues, and may be a form of Impostor Syndrome, something I suffered from for years, where I felt that I really was just winging it at work and that I didn't really know what I was doing, and everyone else just hadn't realised this! Rubbish of course - but because I had occasional doubts about my abilities to do things perfectly, it made me feel that I didn't know what I was doing at all.

Keep pretending and you'll find that soon it will be real. Although there will probably always be a feeling of loss re. your mother not being a real "mum" to you.

buildingmycorestrength Wed 15-May-13 12:03:51

I found it really helpful to have a ceremony to put my parent's behind me. I put all the things I wished they had been/done on slips of paper and burned them one by one while crying my eyes out.

It helped me move on. Obv I had to get on with the rest of the day afterwards, so you can't just wallow!

Oh goodness, this rib pain just isn't going away sad

I feel so crappy, not having loving arms wrapped around me, telling me that it will be ok, and all worth it in the end, when little acrobat arrives. And I wish I had properly dealt with toxic mother such a long time ago. I may well try a ceremony when I feel a bit more up to it. For now, it is just a question of getting through each day. I'd like for a few days off, just when I don't have to deal with housework, or other people, or discipling the children, washing uniforms, making meals..... I know that won't happen, but maybe I will send the DCs for a sleepover, to prepare them for when acrobat arrives, and to give me a night's rest!

I'm so tired, my brain doesn't ever seem to switch off, and that, together with being physically ill, is utterly exhausting.

And I just had a text, from the mum of my ex-step-kids. Apparently the younger one is really missing me and my DCs and is desperate to pop round as he is worried about how we all are. She wonders if she can come round with the boys. What to do?

BerylStreep Wed 15-May-13 20:55:54

Perhaps this is an olive branch from her?

I would say yes, but keep discussion of STBX off limits, and try to put as much of an upbeat face on it.

You never know, this could be a useful relationship to foster for once the baby is born, after all, you have looked after her kids loads, she might return the favour.

And you never know what shite he told her about you, it would be good for you to be able to have some civilised contact, and even though you will probably want to steer clear of any discussion of taunt, she will at least be able to see you for the genuine person you are.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Wed 15-May-13 21:01:38

Waves did you not try to contact her when twunt was being a shit and letting the boys run riot, wasn't she the ex that didn't give a shit about your situation?

Sorry if I have that wrong, but considering the childrens general behaviour and your need for as little stress as possible, I would say a resounding no!

Just text back and say you are far too unwell, and that a visit would not be a good idea.

Do NOT forget the part she and her children played in all this.

Whatever you say - WILL BE REPEATED TO TWUNT.

So be as brief as possible. No, sorry, not a good idea.

And then do not waste your time and energy worrying what they think of you

It doesn't matter what they think.

Your ex-step-kids will be fine

They have a mother and father to comfort them.

Do NOT be guilt-tripped into this.

It will massively disrupt your DETOX.

So, no. Just no.

No, Waves smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 15-May-13 21:04:56

Trying not to be sceptical. The boys plural not just the younger? The ones who missed the dog more than any of you? She will be aware your Acrobat is going to be effectively competing for Twunt's maintenance and spare time. Are you sure she isn't just checking you and either lodger aren't an item?

It feels like a real dilemma. She was totally unsupportive when twunt was around, and has called me a "disgrace" and from what I understood, was firmly in the "waves is all to blame" camp, because I was too strict with the boys. I have no idea if there is a game...

But I genuinely don't feel well enough, certainly at the moment, to be trying to put on a brave face and be upbeat and entertain. Every day is a struggle. And even receiving the text from her is an interruption, of a sort, to the detox.

And already I am worrying about what they all think of me sad

I think I will go to bed and reply in the morning.

OldRichandGrateful Wed 15-May-13 21:28:55

De-lurking to comment

Waves - be VERY wary of this woman. She almost certainly has an agenda and I wouldn't trust her. I suspect she has been put up to this by Twunt using the boys as cover and an excuse. She knows you would refuse to see just her and that is why she is using the boys.

As others have said, all that she sees and all that you say will go straight back.

You could always offer to meet at a neutral place so your sanctuary is not disturbed.

IMHO- don't believe a word she says and just say no.

Homebird8 Wed 15-May-13 21:40:03

I don't often post Waves but this time I wanted to add my voice to the crowd of sensibly wary people. I would send a short 'I'm not up to it' text in the morning and steer clear.

Never mind what others think of you, we think you're doing great and that outweighs the bias you are surrounded with in RL.

Do not for one minute think you have any responsibility for the SCs. Don't we all have to take parenting our children, and driving away unreasonable concerns and fears on their part, as our own responsibility. Her response to her DCs should be that you are a grownup and will be fine. They have her and their father around them. If she needs further help with them she should contact some RL support of her own. You are not her mum too.

auntpetunia Wed 15-May-13 21:51:55

Oh no don't agree to see her, definitely be very wary, this is the woman who didn't give a flying f*ck when her DS's where being little buggers when you were so ill, they were so worried about you then weren't they. this is just Twunt's way of keeping an eye on you and messing with your head.

quick text nice and honest, "sorry not possible, still being so very ill and spending lots of time in hospital not up to visitors."

don't worry about what they think about you its the truth so it can't be used against you in any negative way. You owe nothing to these kids or the mum.

wordyBird Wed 15-May-13 22:13:23

Another 'no' from here. First, you aren't well enough. Secondly, she's behaved dreadfully and her worried child scenario doesn't ring true.

Put yourself first waves. Let them think what they want to.
Hope you sleep well ...

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 15-May-13 22:26:58

Another bit fat NO! from me too. She has an agenda, its not about her boys missing you at all, or missing the dog or anything else.

Reply - as above poster said, true and to the point.

Shes a cheeky mare!

mistlethrush Wed 15-May-13 22:41:17

You shouldn't feel concerned about sending a 'no, sorry, feel too ill. text either - because you are. You don't need to be worrying about visitors, with children than ran riot and were rude to you last time they stayed, plus a woman that has been completely unsupportive in all her previous dealings with you.

Thumbwitch Thu 16-May-13 01:10:49

Remember that these are the boys who could not be quiet, could not behave and treated you very disrespectfully, with the full permission of their father, and presumably their mother too. You have no responsibility to these children at this time.

Perhaps when Acrobat is bigger, he might want to know about his half brothers - but you, at the moment, have to do what is right for YOU. And that does NOT involve having these little tearaways in your home.

Chances are they only want to see the dog anyway... and I agree, be VERY wary of the exW's agenda.

Short answer? "Sorry, I'm just not well enough for visitors."

cenicienta Thu 16-May-13 02:27:37

Another NO from me too!

From what we've seen of you on here of you just being a genuinely lovely person, you will no doubt feel terrible for actually saying no.

DON'T FEEL GUILTY!

I agree she's playing a game. You DON'T have to play it!

Text back to say "Not a good idea at the moment, maybe once the baby is here and I feel better. Thanks for your concern" then just leave it there.

AgathaF Thu 16-May-13 07:26:03

Please don't meet her. You have enough on at present without worrying about a meet-up with her. It won't be genuine, you know that. Her loyalty is to Twunt, not you. She probably just wants to get inside your house to see what's going on to report back to him. I think a brief text back saying "sorry too ill at the moment, daily hospital visits. Will catch up another time" would suffice. Then put it out of your mind - she/they don't deserve your time and energy and worry.

Your home is your sanctuary away from their madness. If you must meet her, now or in the future, make it in a neutral place - coffee shop somewhere - so that she can't taint your home.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Thu 16-May-13 07:44:36

Waves I'm another lurker adding to the chorus of 'no'. Your ex has already tried to guilt you by saying his DC missed the dog, now the ex's xw is trying to weasel in via the sympathy card for her DC purely to get info on your set up. Remember any emotions their DC have are entirely their responsibility to manage. Upset DC because they miss you? Well, had they bothered to act like decent people and try to help you through this horrendous pregnancy instead of berate you, then things would be different. They all reap what they sow.

Just say no. smile

captainmummy Thu 16-May-13 08:40:20

Honestly waves, just text back and guilt-trip them. You are far too ill, still going to hospital whilst growing his baby and you have your own life to get back on track. You are not strong enough - and his dc are not your responsibility. So what if they are missing you? (and the dog ) That's his fault, for being such a twunt and leaving you

themidwife Thu 16-May-13 11:09:49

Definitely no love. Once again someone else's needs are more important than yours - the ex step kids missing someone or something. Do not let twunt, twunt's ex, twunt's kids or toxic mother into your house or your head space. They've all treated you like shit. Of course they don't miss you, they want to be the centre of the drama.

oldwomaninashoe Thu 16-May-13 11:37:42

No, no,no. You are not emotionally and physically strong enough to deal with this at the moment.
Text that you are not well enough....in and out of hospital etc etc but say that all being well you look forward to introducing her DC's to their new brother in the future.

I too am suspicious of the motives behind this sudden request.

I texted back saying "I'm still very ill having not made any improvement despite the daily visits to hospital for treatment etc and so really not up to having people round but I will let you know when (if) I make an improvement.

Since sending that (I left my phone at home whilst the family support worker I've got now took me to the citizens advice bureau) I have had pretty much an essay back. She has been sympathetic, but seems not to appreciate at all what I am actually going through, but has offered to take my two to the park with hers so I can have a rest, and that way her boys can see my two without me having to see twunt. And said how much her boys are looking forward to meeting their new baby brother or sister. Then another text saying she is happy to spend time with me by herself in person so I can get to know her before entrusting my children to her care, and then final text saying her sole intention is that her boys have a good relationship with me and my children.

I think I am going to take myself off to bed for a sleep now - exhausted from the appointment at CAB, but glad I have been, and exhausted from not sleeping, and exhausted now too from reading all those texts!

Well done waves! thanks

AgathaF Thu 16-May-13 12:16:28

I hope you're going to ignore her essay. If she is genuine, she won't push it but will stay back and wait for you. I think you've probably not heard the last from her though, so best not engage at all.

Hope your nap picks you. It's lovely and sunny here so far today, hopefully it is where you are. Sunshine just makes you feel so much brighter generally.

captainmummy Thu 16-May-13 13:46:21

Ignore, waves. I dont really understand why she wants your dc and her dc to have a good relationship - they have no relationship. Neither do you, now you are not with your twunt any more.
Agree with PP - she has her own agenda. She is not your friend. I would think twice (and more) about her taking your dc anywhere. I know it's probably tempting to 'get her on side' and maybe to get some peace from the kids..... but no. All my inttincts would be screaming NO!.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Thu 16-May-13 13:46:24

Good lord, ignore ignore ignore. She's being really pushy and obviously has some motivation for doing so which is not about your best interests. Children will be fine, she's trying to tug at your heart strings and that's not nice at all. Be strong waves, dont give her what she wants

Xales Thu 16-May-13 13:55:21

Don't give any reasons or excuses. They will come back with a way around your reasons and you will engage in a text conversation you don't want to have and which will only upset and stress you.

Simply say no you do not want to meet up.

If you are feeling generous tell her you will be in contact when you are ready after bubs is born for them to meet their sibling unless ex wants to do that on his time.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Thu 16-May-13 14:03:14

I hope that you did manage to get some sleep.

I am de lurking to say that, if people are genuine, they will do things that you want them to do, rather things that they want to do to you (but say it is for your benefit).

I would be very polite and grateful and say thanks, great, will be in touch when better.

I am a bit concerned about you having everyone for extended, regular play dates at your house under the pretence of getting to know Acrobat.

themidwife Thu 16-May-13 14:15:36

I think ignore her. You don't need yet another person interfering right now do you? Esp after her judgements upon you in the past!

TeresaGreene Thu 16-May-13 14:45:00

Hope you got some sleep Waves, I'm another who thinks this woman has bad intentions. I reckon Twunt has put her up to this to mess with your head and to pressurise you into giving him access to your little acrobat when he is born. She is most definitely not your friend, unlike all of us on here who are all rooting for you over t'internet smile.

You do NOT need this woman in your life, Waves.

You don't.

She's another toxic one, so close that door before she barges her way in.

And keep it closed.

LiveItUp Thu 16-May-13 16:17:05

Ugh. Just as you very bravely get rid of two toxic people from your life, another tries to come barging in - no doubt under the influence of one you've just booted out. Sudden concern, sudden "let's get together and be bosom buddies and let our children all be best friends" hmm Red flags are flying high.

You have a growing army of people who support you for you. You do not need the complication of whatever game she is playing. Put her out of your mind and REST. Not long now wink

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 16-May-13 16:23:59

no, no and again no. She has her own agenda - not entirely sure what it is, maybe to find out exactly how badly twunt has screwed you over, Im not sure, but what I am sure of is that you do not need her in your life at all.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 16-May-13 16:24:46

and - surely if she wanted to get to know you, she would have done so already, as you had her DC staying at YOUR house for almost a year pre the split.

She's had her chance - shut that door and dont open it again.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 16-May-13 16:38:42

Glad you made it to Citizens' Advice, hope you got some rest x

Homebird8 Thu 16-May-13 20:24:03

I know the friends you have told about Twunt in RL have been wonderfully supportive but why on earth would this, previously antagonistic, woman suddenly join their ranks? Red flags for me too.

Definitely red flags for me too, now I have tinkered a bit with my radar.... If she was that concerned, as someone said, she would have been much more supportive months ago, and, if it was all about the children, she's have made a real effort when I was actually caring for her boys so much of the time!

I'll just not reply, and leave it for now.

LiveItUp Thu 16-May-13 21:59:02

Phew. Well done you. Another hurdle hurdled. Now, about that rest ....

How long now until Acrobat is due? I'm very sorry that I have lost track of the weeks blush

Yay for that radar!

pointythings Thu 16-May-13 22:10:25

Another vote for a big fat NO. You owe these people nothing. She's using emotional blackmail. Carry on detoxing.

springymater Fri 17-May-13 01:26:14

Sounds like you dodged a bullet there. I can't help thinking that extensive texts are a bit of a worry, tbh. Insistent wouldn't you say?

Can I just bring up the lodgers issue again? I have lodgers - and they're lodgers, we're not house-sharing. If my toilet breaks, the lodgers don't sort it out - I do! I mow my lawn, I pay the bills ie the house is my responsibility. They just pay rent. when push comes to shove, I come first. I'm not suggesting being ignorant/bossy and I appreciate you don't want to piss them off - I really do appreciate that, I promise you! - but you, and yours, come first (not the other way around...).

and now I've written a rather insistent post. apologies blush

I hope that the detox/s gradually gain ground and you are able to push aside some peace dear waves xx (x100)

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 17-May-13 10:20:35

glad you are tinkering with your twunt/toxic radar! Honestly, the sooner you keep all those types of people away from you the better for your mental health and general happiness.

doing great.

Thanks for all the supportive messages. I'm feeling a little crummy today, vomiting has been pretty appalling, and at hospital they weighed me and I've actually dropped a little, so just below my pre-pregnancy weight again. Gutted as I have been trying so SO hard to make sure that acrobat is getting plenty, but it's obviously not enough. Does anyone have a magic wand they could wave in my direction to get rid of the sickness?

Have thought a little about twunt's ex's messages, and decided not to think about them anymore. My DCs have a younger half sister somewhere round here, who they don't know at all, and although they knew her for a little bit, they don't probably even remember her, and certainly have never mentioned her. It must be well over 4 years, maybe 5, since they saw her. Their dad totally disappeared from their lives, and I never felt a great need to buddy up with his now also ex-partner (who was the OW in our break up) in order to maintain a relationship with their half sibling.

I'm 29 + 3 weeks now, so around 10 weeks until acrobat is due to make his grand appearance. Hoping the time flies by. It has gone pretty quickly really, I first posted when I was 14 weeks pregnant, and since then a huge amount has happened and changed in our lives, and I think generally this has all been for the better.

Just wanted to say I think you are amazing waves.

I'm 29+1 and was in a right grump about 20 mins ago because I'm tired and thirsty (in the middle of my post delivery so trying not to fill my bladder too much wink )

Am now sat on a wall eating my sarnie and having a quick rest before cracking on. And remembering how bloody lucky I am that my pg has been straightforward, and that I am still able to even contemplate doing a 8.5mile delivery 4 days a week.

So, thank you for the unintentional kick up the back side. I'm off to finish my round... grin

AgathaF Fri 17-May-13 14:16:43

waves - acrobat is getting plenty, it's you who will be suffering through lack of food. Don't worry about the little one.

buildingmycorestrength Fri 17-May-13 14:28:17

Absolutely, acrobat will be fine.
Found this.

http://www.pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/help/treatments/

I know my SIL had terrible HG and was medicated, but she lives overseas so might have different approved drugs.

Thumbwitch Fri 17-May-13 14:53:02

Agree, acrobat will be fine. The foetus takes precedence over the mother in pregnancy - he gets first dibs on all the goodies and you get what's left, if anything.

Your radar is improving all the time, fantastic!

It did cross my mind that now you've split with the Twunt, his ex has decided to make a "friend" of you on the principle that "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" - but that's no reason for YOU to agree to her idea. She hasn't been any kind of "friend" to you before now, so really, she's not going to be a good one now. Glad you've decided to stop letting her texts bother you. smile

3/4 of the way there, Waves - that's great! Soon you'll be feeling so much better...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 17-May-13 16:40:51

Followers of your threads will be keen to see you through the sickness and hear about Acrobat's safe arrival, waves.
What a journey you've had. I mustn't be selfish but hope you keep posting when able.

Good luck too, thekat.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Fri 17-May-13 21:17:34

So disappointing when you've been trying hard to eat, but would be less weight if you'd not have been trying so hard ... And yes, tis a fact that the baby will be getting everything he/she needs, it's you that isn't. Take care.

De-lurking just to say, I think you're doing brilliantly with everything that's happened, but also - at 29 wks I was 7 lb under my pre-preg weight thanks to morning sickness - my midwife wasn't bothered by my weight at all as she said - baby was a parasite who'll always get what they need - and I'd be grateful after the baby was born! (I was too, until I ate so much chocolate through sleep deprivation I'm right back where I started smile)

DD is a bouncing healthy, happy 8 month old now (pic on profile for proof!)

Well, I had a bit of a better day today. It was sunny and really warm here, so the DCs spent the day splashing about in the paddling pool on the patio, whilst I lay on a sunbed doing nothing at all. Very lazy and non-smelly lunch was prepared comprising carrot sticks, shop bought hummus, and toast. So, a little less sick as well today.

Glad to hear reassurances about acrobat. He is very active, so I have no major concerns, and at least I can eat lots and lots of icecream once he is born smile

Bit wobbly tonight, desperate to call/text twunt and beg for him to want us to work. I won't, just feel lonely I think, and sad about everything. I will go to bed very soon, and sleep off these feelings.

TiredFeet Sat 18-May-13 22:45:44

good to hear today was better Waves watching the DS play in the paddling pool sounds lovely and relaxing!

sorry about the loneliness, hope you managed to resist the impulse to text and i hope a good nights sleep helps. when you are feeling less ill it will be easier to see or call friends and tackle the loneliness that way. in the meantime, keep posting smile

I am feeling a bit better at the moment so have spent the evening very excitingly ironing maternity clothes, was a bit to much to take on but I need to distract myself from how quiet the house is I think.

themidwife Sun 19-May-13 10:17:42

Yes baby will not suffer - he will pinch the calcium from your bones & iron & glucose from your blood (from your body fat stores if you don't eat). The trouble is you will end up depleted - what's your haemaglobin level like? I'm guessing it would be hard for you to keep down an iron, calcium & vitamin D supplement to support you? Not long now & you're doing so well thanksthanks

wordyBird Sun 19-May-13 19:38:44

Hope today was good too.... slightly envy of paddling pool weather!

I also hope you were able to resist texting your ex. Could just picture him casually wrecking a day like that.

Not too long now till the little acrobat makes his appearance... you will be so much happier and healthier when he does smile

It's 16 weeks since I first posted on the twunt issues! I can't believe what has happened in that time.

This was my first thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1670597-So-DH-said

I'm still a bit shocked that so much has changed, but it helped to see what an UTTER twunt he was.

I didn't text him btw, and soon I am off to bed, sleep needed after a day of trying to batch cook meals for the freezer so when I feel crap at least the DCs can have something good to eat.

AgathaF Sun 19-May-13 21:11:21

So much water under the bridge waves. So much you have achieved under such difficult circumstances. You should be very, very proud of yourself.

themidwife Sun 19-May-13 21:24:18

You've come so far!! thanksthanks

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 19-May-13 21:31:05

Sounds like a perfect day to me waves. No texting, he has said he wants to be alone. You are better than him. Maybe chit hat to lodgers or phone a friend if you are fed up.

LiveItUp Mon 20-May-13 10:21:31

I read a quote this morning and thought of you: "Tough times never last, but tough people do". Your tough time will pass, and in so many ways you are already a long way through it, but you .... you are one tough cookie. You will survive this, you will cope, you will create a wonderful life for your three, and you will always have that inner core of strength.

Sounds like you had a good weekend. flowers

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 20-May-13 14:41:46

Very organised waves, you are doing marvellously. Paddling pool and sunbed eh, I really do live in the wrong part of the UK!

We all have a tummy bug I think. DS has been off school today, I feel worse than usual and DD got home and promptly burst into tears complaining of feeling poorly with a tummy ache. Sigh. Early nights all round I guess, and I'll be fighting for toilet time the next few days.

TB texted earlier, saying "hope you are feeling better and the DCs are well. I'm at the airport, x's wedding was very nice"

I didn't even remember she was going away. And I haven't replied as I genuinely don't want to say anything to her. However, it has exacerbated my feelings of genuine loneliness, and craving again for the life I thought i was getting with twunt. I have no relationship with my sister, have cut mum out, dads dead, and that's that. Maybe this is why I blinkered my eyes to twunt's red flags? Doesn't change the fact that I absolutely hate feeling like this, and hating being alone, and hating not having a husband, the life, I thought I had, and that i stupidly thought I deserved after so so long. Grrrr. I want someone to make him back to who i thought, and send him back home. I need him.

TiredFeet Mon 20-May-13 18:35:07

I like liveitup 's quote, and it is so true. you will get through this, day by day step by step and life will get better.

when you have more energy you will be able to work on the friendships that are good for you and they will fill the horrible holes. better to have great friends you choose than family who treat you awfully.

I m really sorry to hear about the tummy bug, that is the last thing you need.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 20-May-13 18:46:48

Tummy bugs are the pits, every term there was something 'going round'.

waves it was a false start with Twunt and it was a big let-down and disappointment but you are going to be all right, you and the DCs.

shiningcadence Mon 20-May-13 19:19:50

waves you HAVE got the family you deserve, a lovely little family of you and 2, soon to be 3, dc. I know it's hard now that they're young lovely but as your children grow you will realise you don't need to miss twunt and ten because you have all you need with your kids. Please believe me.

shiningcadence Mon 20-May-13 19:20:56

*ten = tb, sorry.

shiningcadence Mon 20-May-13 19:26:51

What I mean by that is that now, because they're young, although you love them to bits, they can be trying and tiring at times and life can feel very lonely when you're on your own with young children. But, as they get older, they become more independent and parenting becomes more stress free. You'll be able to have 'proper' conversations with them, socialise with them, you know, go for lunch, watch films etc (I know you can do all this now but when they're older and you do it it's more like you've got company if that makes sense and you will have the special, loving family you want and deserve).. You will feel surrounded by love, I promise, and you will look back and feel so glad you got rid if twunt.

I need him.

Like a hole in the head, Waves. You do not need him. He has done you enough harm.

The 'him' you are wishing for is someone better, the man he was pretending to be. Not actually him, though.

You do not need him - allowing you to sleep on the sofa when ill

You do not need him - encouraging his children to run riot when ill

You do not need... <insert all the cruel things he's done>

Really Waves, you're just having a bad day and feeling low. But HE certainly wouldn't make things any better.

Hope you all recover from bug soon thanks

angel1976 Mon 20-May-13 19:46:42

waves I know how you feel sweetie. I was doing so, so well (6 weeks since 'D'H moved out). In fact, I finally made the appointment to see the lawyer today and now I just feel spent, and so very emotional. It just felt like being slapped in the face - all this talk about money and being in this situation I never dreamed I would be. I almost cried in front of the solicitor but I managed to hold it together. It's definitely set me back A LOT but I knew it would as I knew it would be a proper reality check. I just want to have my family back as it was - where money wasn't an issue and we would be planning holidays instead of how I can keep hold of the dream house we bought as the family home... <quietly sobs in corner>

Ruralninja Mon 20-May-13 19:55:55

Waves you struck a chord with me with what you said about looking back on your earlier happiness - I can so relate to this. I don't want to peddle platitudes at you, but I have ended up feeling that it more helpful to see the relationship and the happiness as true and valid at the time, but in my case and I suspect in yours too, that person could not put another person's happiness equally or ahead of their own. That then has long-reaching consequences. Wishing you much strength and a very happy time with Acrobat!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 20-May-13 20:10:59

angel1976 if as they say, the darkest hour is just before dawn, it seems you and waves are both deeply disillusioned but will both get through this and don't let that person's twuntery beat you down.

angel1976 Mon 20-May-13 20:51:26

Donkeys Thank you for that. I know things will get better. I have been relentlessly positive about everything for my boys. Now they are in bed, I am allowing myself a little sob for the family I thought I had and no longer have... sad

I hope dawn arrives quickly! Angel I am sorry that you are going through something similar, and understand how you feel about being relentlessly positive for the DCs. It is when they are sleeping or at school that I tend to let my tears out.

I am sure that acrobat's arrival at least will herald a new dawn. An end to the hyperemesis and other pg niggles, a beautiful baby to welcome into the world, who is going to be so LOVED by me, and by my DS and DD. DS just today drew a picture of the Halloween outfits he wants each of us to wear smile

Sick day for all 3 of us tomorrow, so planning movies on the sofa with 3 sick bowls to hand.

Oh, and twunt reactivated his fb account. I thought he had blocked me but clearly not - it was just a deactivation thing. I should block him myself now, but part of me wants to see what he is up to....

ElectricSheep Mon 20-May-13 22:28:16

Oh do try and resist that one, it won't make you feel any better, much worse in fact. FB is the work of the devil. grin

Hope you all get over the bugs quickly. It's the last thing you need right now I should think.

angel1976 Mon 20-May-13 22:36:59

Sorry waves I am just feeling a bit sorry for myself today after seeing the lawyer, I will feel better tomorrow. Have plans to go have cake and coffee with a good friend of mine. This thread isn't about me really.

I really hope you feel better soon. I was ill when I took the kids glamping on my own on a trip that was planned for the family. I held up and the kids had a blast but came back home, lost my voice and literally collapsed crying my eyes out. It's horrid! But you do have something/someone to look forward to meeting so very soon and you know that all your MNetter friends will be there cheering you on and holding your virtual hand when it happens! smile You won't be alone.

AgathaF Tue 21-May-13 09:06:19

waves please block him on FB - it really, really can't make you feel any better to look at him on there, it's will just prolong the whole thing. Plus, don't forget that people only put on FB what they want others to see and that will include him.

I hope today is not to bad for all of you.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 21-May-13 09:44:37

I agree, block on fb - it will interrupt your detox, will also just make you angry/miserable to see what nonsense he puts up there.

Feel better soon. tummy bugs are the worst. sad

Thumbwitch Tue 21-May-13 14:07:21

BLOCK HIM IMMEDIATELY!!

It will do you no good to see what's going on with his FB. None. All you would be doing is poking a wound with a sharp and salty stick. STOP before you even start.

Couple of points:
"I need him" - no. You think you need someone to help support you (actually you don't need that, you'd like/prefer it, but you don't need it) but Twunt isn't that person. He never was, despite initial pretence.

Being positive for the children - this is an interesting point, and may be irrelevant in this instance because they might be bloody glad he's gone - but sometimes, being relentlessly positive/cheerful in front of them disallows them to feel any of their own grief/negative feelings, they end up feeling that they have to do the same as you, which can be problematic. As I said, might be irrelevant in this case but bear it in mind.

You're doing so well! Hope the sickness is easing off a little x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 21-May-13 15:16:42

Hello waves, how is everyone, did the DCs stay off school, hope some improvement today?

I haven't yet blocked him on fb, but I will do. All he has done is posted a kurt cobain quote, but made a grammatical error so it completely changes the meaning. And he is selling a lot of computer games on a local buying/selling page.

In terms of the bug, DS is on the mend, but DD is very poorly, so I have been cuddling her and rinsing out sick bowls a lot of today. DS has to stay off tomorrow, hoping that he will be back to school on Thursday, and DD on Friday. Just in time before half term all of next week! I managed to make homemade chicken noodle soup which DS ate for lunch. DD will be able to have some tomorrow I hope.

I have no breastfeeding tops or nightwear, and the couple of pairs of maternity jeans I picked up are still far too big, so I am still in normal clothes at the moment. Are bf tops really necessary, or do you think I will manage with loose tshirts?

In other news, TB actually phoned me up this morning, to say she had heard that DS was off school, and asked how we were and if I needed any help with the DCs. I told her that the external support is fine, so we don't need her help. And she hung up without so much as a goodbye. I think she may be a little cross that I don't "need" her. I'm continuing to ignore.

I told someone else in RL today, who has been really lovely and is going to come round next week with her girls and who has also offered help. So much else that I need to do in the next 10 weeks or so....

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 21-May-13 21:35:59

I dont know if you need breast feeding tops per se, some easy button tops would do I think and some muslin cloths to mop up.

Glad the DC are on the mend. You sound quite positive today Waves.

captainmummy Tue 21-May-13 21:39:06

Waves - it's wonderful that you have some more RL support. Shame you TB can't step up too, but at least she's thinking of you?

I neverhad breastfeedingtops, infactnever heardof them! I had breastfeeding Bras, and just wore loose Tshirts, or shirts.

Amazed that you are still in normal clothes! You will be tiny when you've had the acrobat!

mistlethrush Tue 21-May-13 23:24:16

I got a bf sweatshirt and it remained unused - loose Tshirts are fine.

Thumbwitch Wed 22-May-13 07:16:10

I don't have any specific breastfeeding tops - but I am living in "shelf" vest tops underneath other loose tops (the vests have an extra bit inside the front with elastic at the bottom for holding the boobs in) instead of a feeding bra, because I was having so much trouble finding one the right size! And now, even though I do have a few feeding bras, it's just easier staying in the vest tops (I just pull them down when feeding but have the other top over them for modesty)

Well done on dealing with TB - am impressed that she actually phoned you at all but how stupid of her to react that way. Still, nothing new there. Glad you're still getting RL help from other people - yay!

LiveItUp Wed 22-May-13 09:10:04

I did the same as Thumbwitch - a stretchy camisole top with the inside bit that held breast pads securely under a button front shirt. Very comfortable and discreet, although I always had a muslin to hand for extra modesty if needed. Breast-feeding bras are so expensive and your breasts are constantly changing size depending on whether they are pre or post feed so how any manufacturer ever figured they'd be a useful addition to a new mothers wardrobe is beyond me confused grin

themidwife Wed 22-May-13 12:06:20

One bra I can recommend that grows & reduces with you is the Carriwell

http://www.nctshop.co.uk/Carriwell-Seamless-Drop-cup-Nursing-Bra/productinfo/1197/

Under a big top - a muslin over your shoulder, all you need! smile

Thumbwitch Wed 22-May-13 12:52:35

whatever you do, DON'T get a bra with a soft formed cup - the buggers have NO stretch and it's quite hard too get the drop-cup out of the way!

BerylStreep Wed 22-May-13 15:49:47

I always loved BF tops - although all of mine are size 16/18.

H&M do lovely ones.

Oh dear, all the talk of practicalities is not helping me to carry on with the detox. I must be around 2 weeks now, and I desperately want to text him to ask him to go out for a cup of tea (or a few icecubes in my case) and have a chat about how we could make things work sad I don't know why this has suddenly hit me so hard and strongly! (I bet him reappearing on FB has something to do with it though....)

TiredFeet Wed 22-May-13 20:02:16

I did loose top with a stretchy vest I could pull down underneath. saved buying the special breastfeeding ones.

oh waves I think it is normal to feel like this, and extra hard for you to fight the feelings when you must be feeling extra vulnerable.

BerylStreep Wed 22-May-13 20:07:36

Well done for 2 weeks. Stay strong.

God I remember how chilled I felt when you posted before how you begged him to work at it, and he said something along the lines that he would, only when you fully apologised for your behaviour and promised never to behave like that again. Just remember how he encouraged his boys to be disrespectful of you when you were so ill.

Please don't contact him. Remember, the man you knew doesn't exist - he was a construct.

And block him from FB.

((((MN hugs))))

Thumbwitch Thu 23-May-13 00:53:22

It's yer 'ormones, lovey. Ignore them. It's also the "2 steps forward, 1 back" kicking in - this is the 1 step back. They will get fewer and farther between, I promise.

Please get around to blocking his FB. It doesn't have to be forever, but do it NOW, especially if you think that might have triggered your renewed feelings of wanting to work it out with him (impossible).

(((hugs))) for you - it is Going To Be All Right. xx

Blocked him.

I am not enjoying the prolonged episode of tummy upsets. DS ok and back at school today, but DD was up in the night again being sick. I am now not sure whether my sickness is the hyperemesis or the bug confused

I think one of my saddest thoughts is that at some stage twunt is going to be taking acrobat off, leaving me, DS and DD. It's not just going to be hard for me, but for them too, especially as I fear it will bring back for them the feelings of abandonment by their "old daddy" as they refer to my exH. I know there is sod all I can do about this situation, but again, it is something I would never knowingly have got myself into, for fear of causing pain to my DCs.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 23-May-13 10:15:24

Hello again it must be tempting to reach out but please let it be to us, local rl friends, or doula, not You Know Who.

The DCs are going to do just fine waves you are the constant in their lives, you're their rock.

I'm sorry, I don't know the circumstances of your split with their father. I can't guess how DCs recollect him or whether they feel about Twunt in anything close to the same way. But I'm guessing contact with Acrobat will be limited according to his routine and tender age initially. A slow build up to a full day by which time any gap will be long since filled by you and other adults and life in general. Anyway your two always shared Twunt with his sons who whether or not egged on by their mother didn't warm to them.

Hope DD is better by evening.

angel1976 Thu 23-May-13 11:02:19

waves Stay strong, I am having a particularly bad few days, I think reality of the new normal has hit hard! I am so thankful for my two healthy beautiful boys but oh my god, I just want to throw myself down on the floor and weep and never got up.

A combination of things have hit me particularly hard: seeing the lawyer on Monday, the astounding selfishness of OH (he went out with some of my friends' husbands and tried to justify leaving me and was clutching at straws and it hurts that he has thrown away our whole life together for so little and crap reasons), me having a bad afternoon with the boys yesterday no thanks to OH as he turned up late to collect them due to a dental appointment (FFS, he has 10 days out of every 14 days to have a fucking appointment, but no, he obviously has to schedule in his kids in AFTER the dentist) and having to replace the tires on the car.

Not going to do anything stupid but this is the lowest I have felt, I can fully understand why parents splitting up have been driven to do such awful things.

But I know you and I will get over it. It's okay to have bad days. Our lives will be different but it will be better! I went and bought a Euromillions ticket for tomorrow. I will make sure you are well looked after if I won £72 milion! You have my word! smile

AgathaF Thu 23-May-13 11:55:02

Well done for blocking him - another big step with you taking control.

I hope the sickness bug goes soon, I'm sure it's the last thing you need at the moment.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 23-May-13 14:37:50

Waves, its just a little setback, dont contact him - you know it will only make you feel worse. And dont worry about him taking acrobat away, he cant do it for a while, so dont be thinking of worst case scenarios at the moment. Your DC have you - kids are resilient little things. They will be fine.

LiveItUp Thu 23-May-13 16:44:56

Your DCs will have seen how twunt was with his own boys - impatient, telling them to shut up, swearing at them when he'd had enough, encouraging them to misbehave etc. Rather than jealous, they may feel rather sorry for Acrobat having to go off with him; and as Acrobat gets older he may not wish to go and be separated from his siblings to spend time with someone who will probably not have a lot of time or consideration for him.

Anyway, that's jumping far too far ahead. It may be well over a year before Acrobat can spend more than a couple of hours with him. Panic not. Get through the next few weeks first. Well done for the FB block. Keep all ties severed, any contact makes everything worse.

I'm feeling a bit more positive today. What a relief! My family support worker is going to make an appointment for us to have a chat at court with someone about how and when we can arrange applications for maintenance and access. She is being so helpful in terms of sorting out this sort of thing. And I am also going to need to sort out the actual legal ending of the marriage, but that is something which feels a little too overwhelming at the moment, and realistically there won't be a clean break exactly at this stage. Reason for this is that on my income alone I cannot have the mortgage in my own name, so best result would be twunt signing over all but a £1 interest in the house to me but remaining on the mortgage until acrobat is 18 or something like that.

Anyway, that is something there is no point worrying about at this stage. All I really know is that I won't be asking a lawyer for advice - was too badly burned the last time, at the start of all this, when she racked up a bill of £890 for giving me absolutely no useful advice, filling in financial forms for me at the time which she then said we wouldn't exchange til JULY when acrobat was born and a maintenance application could be made at the same time, meaning all the information she put in the forms was completely out of date. Grrrrrr. I am having to pay that bill off in monthly installments, and am pretty cross about it all.

The main reason for my feelings of positivity is that I had a wonderful 2 hour meeting with my doula last night. We spent so much time talking about my wonderful little acrobat, and making plans for the remainder of the pregnancy and the birth. I am now determined, despite the feelings of grief I have over the loss of my relationship, and the loss of my health due to the pregnancy, to try and find some joy in the remaining weeks. She is running a Wise Woman workshop next month which I hope to attend, and we even discussed her making a cast of my bump which we can then mosaic perhaps smile

Oh, and my family support worker is meeting my DCs next week as it is half term. She listened to my worries yesterday about how they may feel about seeing their brother going off with twunt at some stage. Firstly she reassured me that he won't be able to do that for a good while, and definitely no overnights until he is older, and also that she will be a listening ear for them both before and after acrobat's arrival. I think the way she is talking, we will have to enable twunt to see the baby once when it is first born, but then there won't be contact until acrobat is 6 weeks old, when it will probably be just for an hour once a week, with me there, in a neutral place like the cafe up the road from me. As acrobat settles into a routine, he would be able to take acrobat for an hour by himself, and then there would be the possibility of extending that, based on feeds etc, once the baby is nearer 6 months. So, no need to worry immediately about that.

What an essay I have produced! Off to hospital in a couple of hours, then a quiet day ahead. Acrobat is back up in my ribs so I imagine I will be spending a lot of today in weird stretched out positions.

(I also don't want to see twunt anymore, the fb block obviously helped!)

captainmummy Fri 24-May-13 09:19:29

Well done Waves, you sound really positive. Best thing now is just 'wait and see' i suppose.
angry at the sols bill!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 24-May-13 09:24:29

fantastic news. I knew that when you had some proper RL help you would feel better about everything! Despite us all writing on here that it wouldnt happen (re twunt and acrobat being away from you for a while) it makes it better when it is face to face with someone who you can trust.

Good luck at hospital, hope acrobat moves away from your ribs.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 24-May-13 09:33:18

Excellent smile very uplifting waves.

oldwomaninashoe Fri 24-May-13 09:54:45

You are (thankfully) sounding a lot more positive at the moment Waves, hopefully this will continue for the forseeable future.

AgathaF Fri 24-May-13 11:33:17

Such a lovely update. It's so good to hear you sounding positive and happier. Your doula sounds like a wise woman and your family support workers sounds so helpful too.

Have a nice day and a good weekend.

Thumbwitch Fri 24-May-13 12:22:17

What a fantastic and positive update, Waves! Shame about the solicitor's bill, for sure and your family support worker sounds amazing, as does your doula.

You are doing so well, lovely lady - keep going! smile

themidwife Fri 24-May-13 13:45:27

You sound fantastic! The doula & FSW are obviously making a huge difference & giving you confidence about the future. That's great!!

TiredFeet Fri 24-May-13 15:58:11

A lovely post, its good to hear you are feeling positive and have good some support

Am glad to hear you so determined to get some joy out of these last few weeks of pregnancy thanks

Onwards and upwards, Waves!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 25-May-13 11:18:31

hi waves, just checking in to see what you have planned for this last bankhols weekend? We are off to Scotland but I will still be around (taking ipad with me) so I cam kept saneish. grin

Not a lot of plans for the weekend - which of course I now realise is the last bank holiday where we are a family of just 3. Come the end of August bank holiday, Acrobat will be here with us!

I'm hoping to have my friend and her DCs round for a bit tomorrow, then the rest of the week is half term so I will be sending my DCs off to various other people where possible so that they don't have to come to consultant or hospital appointments with me.

Yesterday and last night saw a return of the excrutiating rib pain, but this morning it's gone which is a relief. This evening I will hopefully make some progress on sorting out baby clothes and stuff I need to put in my hospital bag. I still find it a bit sad that I am doing this alone, but it must be better than it would have been if Twunt was still around.

We made homemade sorbet yesterday - there was a lot of fruit drastically reduced at the local co-op, so I bought heaps and have made some yummy sorbets. It is great to have found something I can make from scratch which doesn't involve strong smells (setting off the sickness) and which the DCs can enjoy helping prepare, and eating. I think in the freezer we now have the following that I have made in the last few weeks:

strawberry ripple icecream
strawberry and banana icecream
peanut butter and banana icecream
pistachio icecream
banana frozen yoghurt
peach and honey frozen yoghurt
strawberry and melon sorbet
melon and pineapple sorbet
kiwi and strawberry sorbet
raspberry and blueberry sorbet

Today's experiment is kiwi and raspberry sorbet, then we will make some home made mint choc chip tomorrow.

Right, the toilet is begging me to go share my stomach contents with it, so I must oblige. Many thanks again for all your ongoing support thanks Would be so SO much harder if I didn't have you all

themidwife Sun 26-May-13 08:52:29

I still think you should start a homemade ice cream & sorbet business! When you've had acrobat of course!!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 26-May-13 08:55:00

Morning. We are almostinscotland already. Am v jealous of your freezer contents. Scrummy ice cream.

LiveItUp Sun 26-May-13 11:14:15

yeah yeah to an ice-cream / sorbet business. What a wonderful selection of flavours. Hope you have a lovely BH weekend / week with the DCs and not too much time up at the hospital.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 26-May-13 12:55:28

Lovely freezer contents, waves! Glad the pain eased off again.

Thumbwitch Sun 26-May-13 13:43:45

Wow to the icecream/sorbet making! Fantastic, hope the summer is good enough for you to enjoy it all properly smile

Bugger that the rib pain came back - I expect Acrobat was lying on a nerve or something - hope that doesn't happen too often for you.

You are sounding a heap better, much more philosophical about things, even though you have sad times, you're coming out of them better. This is great! Huge advances.

(((hugs))) xx

wordyBird Sun 26-May-13 13:49:28

Thumbwitch is right, you do sound so much better waves.

I'm awestruck by the wonderful sounding things in your freezer... does sound like a possible business in the making smile who knows!

Step (leap) back this morning sad Have been crying my eyes out. Kids were squabbling and DD turned her voice up to megaphone mode, and I was tired, and stressed as the lodgers were all out last night and I expect wanting a lie in. I just burst into tears and started saying how we HAVE to be respectful of other people in the house, because who would want to live somewhere that they get woken up so early, and end of the day if the lodgers move out, we are stuck entirely in terms of somewhere to live. And if we don't have a home, then they might have to move schools, and we can't keep all our pets.

I then got myself even more upset, and was crying and crying in bed, and thinking I can't do this. I really can't. And I can't confide in anyone in RL because they will treat me as having MH problems again. But I really feel completely overwhelmed.

I don't want to be single mum to 3 children. I don't want to have a baby by myself. I'm completely terrified. I don't know how I will manage my stress levels re the lodgers when acrobat is waking up in the night, or crying. I don't know how I will have energy to keep the house clean and my DCs entertained.

Anyway, DD says she doesn't want the lodgers anymore. She wants twunt, or someone like him here so we don't have to worry. And DS wants twunt back because when DD was playing up so badly this morning, he said that twunt would have managed to sort her out, instead of me struggling whilst ill and pregnant.

Failure much? I have been awake since 6.30 after another very disturbed night, failing to keep the children quiet, hearing that they'd be happier if twunt was back, panicking about how I will manage when acrobat is here, regretting EVERYTHING, and my thoughts even turning to ending it all. Because I can't see how I can actually get through this. And it won't be easier when acrobat is here. I will not have much sleep, my DCs will be bored, I will be stressed about the lodgers, and I will have to have dealings with twunt again.

I'm scared and just want to collapse back in bed.

VeryTattyMum Mon 27-May-13 09:55:28

Aah Waves it's not a step back nor a leap, but just a challenging morning. I'm not surprised that you can't always be Perfect Mum hyperemesis is very debilitating.

Your DC are entitled to make a bit of noise and squabble in their own home and I'm sure that the lodgers appreciate that - if not bribe them with ice cream. DC don't want twunt they just want stability and that is what YOU are providing. He was only putting on a show for you all.

I posted before about my hyperemesis resulting in premature birth and you have been amazing - over 30 weeks now and you will get your health back as soon as Acrobat arrives. All this will seem like a bad dream once you hold him and see the love from the DC when they see their brother. Not long now ...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 27-May-13 10:05:39

Won't lie to you waves you've had a tough time and things aren't going to improve overnight. But you have already been brave and kept you 3 (and Acrobat) afloat, don't lose heart now.

Plus you are tired of feeling so awful which is utterly draining - a baby brings sleep deprivation but you won't be retching - as VeryTattyMum says you have battled for over 30 weeks no wonder you are fed up!

Twunt wouldn't ride in on a white horse and magically sort out everyone and everything. Your DCs bless them have short memories re: Twunt and anyway don't know half of what went on.

Children are often surprisingly resistant to change and cling to what they (think they) know. Any parent not just a single one knows the dread of "I'm so BORED" at weekends and holidays. They won't die from tedium.

They have seen you sick and struggling with this pregnancy but in their hearts know you are doing their best. If you wanted to really affect them you would have said stuff continuity and upped sticks to a new habitat miles from everything they know and are familiar with. So they can lump this.

Your lodgers moved in knowing you have DCs and a baby is on the way. My own sister used to bring ear plugs when staying with us if she wanted to sleep in as the rest of us got up and ready. They may decide they want to give notice and move elsewhere that's up to them. Another lodger would soon come along.

themidwife Mon 27-May-13 10:09:26

You are in an incredibly tough situation. Of course you're going to feel like this. The kids will reflect & change their views I'm sure. Meanwhile you can only do your best to get through it until you feel better physically. So sorry love thanks

LiveItUp Mon 27-May-13 10:13:43

Waves it WILL get easier. Being ill so much is beyond debilitating and that will end once acrobat is here. Yes you will have some broken nights, but you will still get plenty of sleep and your days won't be long drawn out affairs throwing up or endless hours in the hospital.

They don't want twunt. Sure they want stability. They sense you are stressed, but twunt was pretty evil towards them in those last couple of months. Your lodgers will understand - they did after all take a room in your house knowing you had two kids and a baby on the way. They won't be expecting you all to be invisible in your own home. If you're worried about that - chat to them about it and I'm sure you'll find they are very happy with it.

Hang on in there. Another week done, just a few left of this hideous sickness. And do speak to people in RL. All of us have felt overwhelmed at times and they will want to help. flowers

wordyBird Mon 27-May-13 10:13:51

((Hug))
want to do a longer post, but for now, am here and listening waves.

springymater Mon 27-May-13 10:28:27

Sorry to hear you're feeling beleaguered waves ((big squeeeze))

My darling, I have had lodgers/students for years and at the end of the day, your lodgers have chosen to live in a house with young children. That's the way it goes. I really appreciate your feelings of fear that they may move out (and therefore you'll lose the money) because I've had it myself. It's a fine balancing act but you have to guard you don't end up running your life for the sake of your lodgers. I found that the more I tip-toed around my lodgers, the more they expected. I know it's hard but they need to know their place in the pecking order. You don't have to be harsh, just natural. They aren't the be-all and end-all, they have to expect to muck in and to put up with, eg, early morning noise. It won't be long before they sleep through it as they get used to it.

have you had the rib pain checked out? No wonder you're feeling weepy and overwhelmed - there's nothing like physical pain - with no end in sight - to make you feel overwhelmed and powerless. My heart goes out to you. You have faced all this with tremendous fortitude. If you have the odd moment where you fall off your perch, don't beat yourself up and think 'this is it, I'm finally collapsing' - you're not, it's just a thin moment and it will pass. That's the thing, these awful times always pass. I time will come when this is over.

Loads of love xxx

Thanks all, I'm still crying here, but DD is finally tidying up her side of the bedroom, and DS is very calm. I think I should talk to my lodgers, it may be that they are completely fine with the squabbling, and I am causing myself unnecessary worry. Or they may be genuinely pissed off and looking to give me notice - either way I will know. You are all right of course, they moved in knowing the situation very well.

I really do feel overwhelmed today, and so terribly alone in dealing with all of this. Whatever kind of help I may be reaching out for, there isn't anyone who can sort out a squabble at 6am, or who will be here for a chat at 2am when acrobat is here and I am feeding or trying to settle him.

My friend is round in a bit with her DCs so at least my two will be entertained. And maybe I won't put on a brave face, and let her know how scared and lonely I feel just now. And FED UP of being sick, and fed up of being told how tiny I still look.

Ah well, another day to get through, then tomorrow I reach 31 weeks. And see my consultant again for a proper appointment as opposed to a quick catch up on the ward.

FriskyBivalves Mon 27-May-13 11:29:38

Morning Waves - finally, I'm not on the mobile so can type out a longer message!

You poor thing: what a rotten morning. I think we all have those, and most of us won't have had to deal with a tenth of what you're coping with. So you should feel incredibly proud that the wobbly moments come relatively rarely...I have found that sometimes, breaking down and losing it in front of the DCs is no bad thing - it can jolt mine out of bickering mode, and into something approaching far better behaviour. They stop seeing everything as being about them...

As for the lodgers - well, we had two student lodgers crammed into our spare room all the time my sister and I were growing up. And we had rows and bickered and shouted and screamed and fought like you wouldn't imagine. Our lodgers quite liked it, weirdly - they used to say to my mum how glad they were that they weren't in a household that stood on ceremony and where they felt constantly out of place. They had friends who were lodging in very po-faced, quiet homes with houseproud landlady-owners, and felt that they were constantly being judged for their tidiness/the hours they kept etc etc and weren't at all comfortable with it.

Once the baby comes - well, again, I'm struck by things friends of mine have said when they come to stay here and our baby cries. They all agree that there's something really quite smug about waking in the night, hearing a baby cry, thinking, 'Hah - not my problem', and that they have no difficulty rolling over and going straight back to sleep. Maybe they're just being tactful....but they do come back and stay time and again so it can't be a big problem.

I'm really crossing my fingers that the package gets through to you from France some time soon this week. There's a little treat for your bathtimes, plus some stuff that might come in useful at the hospital etc smile

Thumbwitch Mon 27-May-13 12:22:05

Oh waves, you poor thing. These things are sent to try us at our weakest moments sometimes!

Re. lodgers - as others have said, they knew what they were getting into re. children in the house when they took the rooms and I'm sure, if it's not a daily occurrence, they will be fine.

Re. Acrobat and night noise - have you considered co-sleeping? Done safely, it's great and really cuts down on any crying (IME) - I co-slept with both my boys until around 6m (well, still am with DS2 and he's 7.5m now) and there was next to no night noise from either of them.
If it's something you'd not thought of, then it might be worth considering?

Re. DC wanting Twunt back - you were all emotional this morning, from one thing and another. The DC are probably a little unsettled by your continuing illness with this pregnancy, and from the general upheaval - so they're "acting out" and they've just lashed out. I'm sure, in the cold light of rationality, that they would not want him back in your home, nor his sons - they're just finding things to say that are likely to wound. I have no idea why children feel the need to say things that wound (I used to do it too, don't get me wrong, still don't know why!) - my 5yo DS1 told me the other day that it was ok for Daddy to be mean to me but not for me to be mean to Daddy (trivial - he'd left the bins in front of my car again). He's also told me in the past that I can go and find somewhere else to live, after I've told him off/to do something he doesn't want to. They just caught you on the raw this morning - let it go though.

(((hugs))) as always. xx

BerylStreep Mon 27-May-13 17:41:05

Chin up Waves, you are on the home straight, and I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are doing brilliantly in the hardest of circumstances.

TiredFeet Mon 27-May-13 20:00:29

hugs Waves I wrote you a big long post but seem to have forgotten to actually press post! glad things have calmed a little, really thinking of you. it will get easier, and I think it is worth you talking to your lodges as hopefully they can put your mind at rest. I went away on holiday with tiny babies there and we weren't disturbed at all. and h used to sleep through ds screaming in the night and our walls are paper thin and the house is tiny

life will feel so much easier when you are feeling better. ok not easy perhaps, but definitely not as hard. I struggled to cope with hyperemesis with no children!

Thank you everyone for your kind words today. I survived the day, albeit with a return to almost constant vomiting and retching, and the DCs are now tucked up in bed - where I will be headed very shortly. Tomorrow I see my consultant, so I will give a progress report on acrobat tomorrow at some stage smile

I have a night off tomorrow - the DCs are off for a sleepover at my friend's house (all were desperate, and it will be a good practise run should I need her help when acrobat arrives), so no arguments about bedtime, and no morning squabbles on Wednesday! They are also off to another friend's for the day tomorrow, so they aren't being dragged up to the consultant and then to hospital.

One lodger is sick with the tummy upset, but I will chat to them all once things are a bit more stable. Poorly lodger had to cope with me in floods of tears this morning, I think they really do understand what a hard time this is for me, which is something.

I am excited about the arrival of a package from France - it will take me back to my school days when I had French pen friends. It was always so exciting to receive letters postmarked France!

I am planning to co-sleep which I did with DD. I have all the up to date safe co-sleeping guidelines, and have already moved my bedroom furniture round so the bed is safe. I am worried mostly because DD was a very unsettled baby - I had to be induced with her early, then she had a very bad case of reflux and was under the care of a paediatrician for about 8 months. She wouldn't be put down at all without crying, and was sick all the time. So, hoping that acrobat is more like his big brother who was such a calm and settled baby with no health problems at all (DD also had asthma, and we went to a cranial osteopath too which helped a lot with the lying down issues). And when she was about 4 or 5 months old their dad left, so I suppose the period of time has a sense of trauma stamped on it.

I am planning to do a lovely cream tea once acrobat is here. I will be able to enjoy it, and hopefully I can invite round the friends who have been helping me, and, of course, my lodgers, and I think that will be a good way to say thank you. Home made icecream will also be on the menu I guess....

Fingers crossed for a good night's sleep, and a much better day tomorrow, including a hopefully positive meeting with my consultant. I get to see Acrobat on screen again which will be lovely - it is 6 weeks since I last had a scan I think, so that is something to look forward to.

wordyBird Mon 27-May-13 23:16:38

Hope you sleep, waves. Thinking of you brew

springymater Mon 27-May-13 23:37:32

sending truckloads of good sleep vibes <woo> <woo> <waves fingers>

btw I've just remembered a wimmin's camp thingy I went on last year. I was in a room with 3 women and a baby (sounds like a film). The baby woke in the night, apparently, and cried a lot. I didn't hear a thing!

I got a good sleep grin and this morning there has been no squabbling, just chilled-outness, so that is a relief.

I have taken on board the advice not to tip-toe around my lodgers so much - from this day forwards, I will use my washing machine when I need to, and the same with my kitchen and bathroom, and stop WORRYING that it might not be 100% convenient for the lodgers if I do so at that precise moment.

Seeing my consultant in 3 hours...quite excited if a little nervous to be honest. AND all being relatively well health wise, the DCs and I are going to have a couple of night's away on Friday - very bargainous stay has been identified, and I think it will do us good to have 2 nights away from home stresses and worries. Even if I am sick all the time, I won't need to worry about dishes or chores, or even lodgers.

I am also pleased to report 18 days of no contact with twunt. Still no contact with TB (mum) either which is great. However, I did discover that she went to a party that DS was invited to on Saturday, and actually was the person who dropped him home. Apparently she told DS that she cannot apologise to me as she doesn't know what to apologise for confused. Poor DS being caught up in this, but bless him, he told just to say sorry anyway.

Right, time to get myself dressed and ready. 31 weeks today!

LiveItUp Tue 28-May-13 09:11:44

Have a good day seeing your little Acrobat again. Well done your DS. What a little star he is. And shock about TB forcing her contact onto him behind your back. One day, when you're ready, I do think a move well away from her (and HIM) would be for the best for you all.

Pleased you're getting away for a couple of days. As you said a few days ago - enjoy these last few weeks of your pregnancy as much as you are able.

springymater Tue 28-May-13 09:16:40

De-lighted to hear you got a good sleep! yay! grin

HOw old is your DS? the TB should NOT be involving him in the stuff between you and her angry

How about she DROVE OVER YOUR FOOT as something to apologise for??? <rages>

Anyway, it's pissing in the wind with these types - they will never apologise for anything, it's always somebody else's fault, so it's useless to try to squeeze one out of them. I am just very cross your boy is getting dragged into this by his granny.

It is NOT GOOD for him to hear a toxic version of his mum. I hate to say it, but I'm on the other side of my kids hearing toxic versions of me and erm it hasn't panned out well... sad

Sorry for the shouting.

Congratulations on your 31wk erm anniversary - no, not that - erm birthday - no, not that either. ok, congratulations on 31 weeks you star woman smile

All the best with the consultant later. And I do hope you get that little trip away. How lovely xxx

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 28-May-13 09:35:11

Hello waves happy 31st week flowers

Am glad DCs good-natured this morning and that you'll get to see their baby brother on screen later. smile

Oh nice try, Nanna, butter wouldn't melt I'm sure. Unfortunately as springy says it shouldn't stick in his head but children won't automatically weed out untruths from truths especially from hitherto trusted adults. You can't get DS involved playing conversational ping pong but if it happens again I'd certainly rebut any comments he repeats from her in a calm shake-head-well-that's-daft sort of way.

I admire you for mastering 'no contact' stuff, it really helps you stay on track and keeps only positive influences around you.

Pleased to report that all is well with acrobat. He's still very little, but is growing, despite my total lack of weight gain. As a result I have another scan in 3 weeks time. My consultant gave me some photos from the scan but they aren't very good because he was in a perfect birth position, head in my pelvis, and back to my tummy. Still lots of wriggly time, but he really has no excuse (now that he's been seen in that position) not to be just as perfectly positioned when it's his birthday.

My DS is 9, and I am very cross on his behalf in respect of the TB situation. However, I am not going to worry about it too much - I am learning that some people will never apologise because their view of life is completely warped and they genuinely don't feel any need to make amends of any sort. I just need to restrict contact as far as possible, as I really don't want them to be growing up hearing any more toxic rubbish about me.

The DCs are round at a friend's at the moment - she is really lovely and was planning to take them to see her horse at some stage. I'll be collecting them from her, then taking them to my other friend for the sleepover.

captainmummy Tue 28-May-13 14:47:56

Good news about the acrobat, waves. So pleased he's doing well. And 'only' another 9 weeks or so for you - I cann't understand how you have kept going like this.

TB will never apologise, she doesn't see what she's done. Even if you spell it out to her, her behaviour will (in her eyes) be fine.

Hope you have a lovely couple of days off. You do deserve it!

It's time to relax - and the sun has come out. DCs are at my friend's now and ridiculously excited about the sleepover. My DD not only saw my other friend's horse, but had a little ride on her! My friend said they were impeccably behaved and she would love to have them back anytime at all - her boys are older now and I think she enjoyed having slightly smaller people round. She has also offered DD a few riding lessons over the summer holidays which would be amazing, as it is something she has been desperate for, but we are never going to be able to afford.

DS was impressed with his morning as my friend's boys are all very technology orientated, so have lots of games consoles. He announced, as I dropped him off for the sleepover, that he is having the best day of his life.

I think I might start planning my hospital bag this evening - whilst I have always wanted a home birth, my consultant was extremely anti the idea at my appointment this morning, given acrobat is small (around 7th centile now, down from 10th at the last scan) and that my pregnancy has been so difficult. However, I shall be turning up at hospital with my own pillows, duvet, music, massage oils, pictures, and potentially a lot of fabric to drape over scary hospital equipment (might actually need a hospital trailer as opposed to just a bag?!). And the midwives will have to cope with me singing through my labour too. Poor things. Maybe I should take some ear plugs along for them to use?

Great to hear you sounding so much more cheerful, Waves! Sounds like the DCs are having a great time. Understand completely about dd's riding - when I was about 10, I used to go and help at the local stables in exchange for free rides!

Love the sound of your birth approach with your own music, oils, fabric and loud singing too!

thanks

AgathaF Tue 28-May-13 18:46:25

Great news from your hospital appointment. grin at you arriving at hospital with a trailer for your gear. Maybe speak to your midwife if you are still wanting a home birth - hospital consultants have no experience of home delivery and generally try to talk women out of it so don't hold too much store by what he/she says if it is something you would really want.

Your mother is outrageous - truly! She just confirms again and again that she is not to be trusted around you or your children.

Glad you're having a nice day.

wordyBird Tue 28-May-13 19:03:31

thanks glad to hear about your little acrobat, waves, and so pleased life feels encouraging today :-)

auntpetunia Tue 28-May-13 19:47:21

Great news about acrobat

BerylStreep Tue 28-May-13 21:39:57

smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 29-May-13 09:29:44

I bet you glowed with pride when your friend referred to your two as "impeccably behaved". Isn't it great when a DC comes out with a "best day of my life" comment.

Must say you sound very organised waves and that bag of comforts for hospital will soften the environment.

Have a good day today x

Donkeys I did feel ever so proud when my friend said my two were impeccably behaved. She said they were so quiet she kept forgetting they were there. She didn't refer to them as "robots" either.

Apparently the sleepover has been amazing - still waiting for them to return from that, before the family support worker comes round to see us at 12.

I feel really REALLY sick today, so hoping it will be a nice quiet one for us - not a huge amount to do, other than get through it. I managed to make some home made mint choc chip icecream yesterday evening (one of the lodgers offered me some milk that was running out of date yesterday so that was perfect - free and put to good use), so I don't need to do any cooking.

I really need to attempt to get to Boots as I joined the parenting club and have a free change bag to collect, but not convinced that I am quite up to it today. It's not good going out on bad days as I have to take my "sick kit" with me - vomiting in public is horrid.

Thumbwitch Wed 29-May-13 10:20:45

I know I've said this before but wow, waves - you're sounding fantastically upbeat again! thanks

Look at all this a bit like snakes and ladders - you'll be progressing beautifully along, occasional ladder (like today smile ) - and then you'll hit the occasional snake. But as time goes on, the snakes start to get shorter, and eventually disappear. The ladders are the same as always in life - sometimes you can go ages without getting one, sometimes you'll get lots, some will only be a stepstool and others will be big enough to reach the roof. Today's was definitely at least an upstairs window ladder wink

Wonderful friend, and great decision re. the lodgers - when all's said and done, it's still YOUR home, you need to feel AT home in it. smile

themidwife Wed 29-May-13 10:25:09

That all sounds so positive! Don't worry about the singing! We midwives would rather that than screaming any day! grin

Re the home birth, I am a really laid back community midwife but even I think if the growth has dropped from 10th (low) to 7th centile (very low) your baby will need careful observation during labour & for 24 hours after birth. Having said that there are error margins of 10-15% with estimated fetal weights on scan but if wrong you could go home sooner. But the ultimate choice is yours honey. What do you think?

KiwiJude Wed 29-May-13 22:38:58

Waves, you sound so much better in yourself smile

I don't think I have posted on this incarnation of your original thread yet but I do check in on you every morning to see how you are going and ride the roller coaster with you.

Thanks to you all for the words of support and encouragement. Bit of a teary day, but more angry feelings if you understand? I have SO much to sort in terms of my flexible working hours request, childcare, budgets etc, and these are all things that were meant to be done with my husband - who of course should also be sharing the cost. As it is, his maintenance is likely to amount to about 25% of childcare, and I'll be still covering the whole mortgage etc. I can't quite describe how much I want the world to know that he is a selfish fraud.

I don't want to be ruled by anger though, so I am still planning to go away tomorrow with the DCs for 2 nights, journal with me, so I can write up beautiful things about this pregnancy and the excitement the DCs and I are feeling. Well, they are excited, I am still pretty terrified.

Rib pain has returned with a vengeance, so I am planning an early night so I can wriggle in bed to find a relatively comfortable position. Fingers crossed for a good night's sleep.

AgathaF Thu 30-May-13 19:51:56

Hope you sleep well and have a lovely, relaxing few days away.

captainmummy Thu 30-May-13 20:45:44

Have a lovely time Waves, and hope you can get comfortable!

Trying to get comfy, and mulling over a text I received from TB this morning. Simply reads "our sub organist at church has died today of a heart attack. He looked really well on Sunday. Terrible shock for everyone"

I haven't replied because I don't really want to, and I don't actually know why she texted to tell me that anyway. I don't go to that church, so have no idea who has died. All it's done is make me think about dad who also died v suddenly of a heart attack 2 years ago at the same age. I'm worried for mum, as maybe that's where her thoughts are? But I can't be letting my guard slip now. I hate being thrown things like that, don't know what I am meant to do with this information sad

wordyBird Thu 30-May-13 23:35:26

Hope you are sleeping waves, and not too troubled by the strange text. It will all feel different in the morning. Hope you have some peace from the rib pain too.

Maybe tomorrow will be a 'ladders' day? (just love Thumbwitch's analogy...)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 30-May-13 23:55:27

A sobering text (and no enquiry as to your own health) which, as you didn't know the person and given the current state of relations between you and TB, really doesn't require a response.

Hope that pain has eased and you get a good sleep.

How refreshing to have a couple of days' break with DCs. They have had a great week and will enjoy being away with you.

Thumbwitch Fri 31-May-13 09:54:13

Perhaps she's suggesting that you should consider applying for the position yourself, Waves? Not sure if organist is in your line of music but that might be her thinking; or it might have been because of what happened with your Dad.

If you feel the need to respond, just a simple "How sad. His poor family" will probably convey the necessary without opening up any unwanted dialogue with her.

shiningcadence Fri 31-May-13 10:17:47

waves be careful. What seems like an innocent enough text could be her way of manipulating you, I.e, hoping you'll think 'life is short, people can drop down dead at any time, I should really speak to mum again'. Just seems an odd text to send if you don't know the person.

Because you're a good person you're worrying about how this is affecting your mum but just be cautious waves because she hasn't enquirer about your own health or wellbeing in the text AND she hasn't worried about reminding you about your dad's death.

Hope you are enjoying your couple of days away smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 31-May-13 10:30:55

Can't help but think along the same lines as shiningcadence but of course we don't know.

Have a great time waves!

themidwife Fri 31-May-13 11:28:57

Having a narc mother myself I just know that text was basically all about how she is affected by the organist dying. Poor me, someone I know has died, I'm upset, feel sorry for me.

Thumbwitch Fri 31-May-13 14:28:32

I think themidwife has it there - I was forgetting that she was that sort of person and thinking about it as though someone with normal emotions and intentions was involved! Ignore it and have a lovely break with the DC! Hope the sickness stays at a minimum for you x

We are away. So lovely to have no chores and to be in a different environment. The DCs have been swimming and after tea we all played monopoly then when DD went to bed I played scrabble with DS. I am feeling pretty sad now as I never thought it would be just us on holiday again, but I guess that is a normal reaction? But, determined to enjoy our couple of days away from home, so keeping my chin up.

Tomorrow I think the DCs will swim again and I'll try to read a book. We may attempt a little walk but I need to take it easy so nowhere too far. Last thing I want is to be collapsing.

Lovely things arrived yesterday and today so I need to say another big thank you to mumsnet. I got some canvas hanging shelves and have started to fill them with clothes for acrobat. Every day his arrival gets closer and it feels more and more real!

Sleep beckons, hoping for sweet dreams to counter the sadness

wordyBird Sat 01-Jun-13 17:03:06

I hope you're still having a lovely time away. It sounds perfect smile though I know it's against the backdrop of feeling unwell, which must be so tiring.

springytate Sat 01-Jun-13 21:49:36

oh, it sounds blissful! How lovely to get a break smile

You're doing better than I did on our first holiday post-split. I sat by the pool with tears streaming down my face behind my ray-bans. dd cut the sheets in our villa with a pair of scissors.... grim days.

BUT the sunshine was so good for us all, being able to just 'slip sideways' for a bit was so calm and healing. The sadness and grief is bound to come out so let it roll. xxx (one each smile )

springytate Sat 01-Jun-13 21:51:07

uh-oh - you have two kids, yes? Hope I've got that right...

oh! and of course another for Acrobat X

I have two DCs yes, who are swimming again this morning.

The tears flowed somewhat yesterday as there was a wedding reception here. It's my first wedding anniversary next month and, well, I didn't imagine that I'd be in this position a year on.

I'm really really worrying about how life will be when acrobat arrives. Terrified of having to have some form of contact with twunt and the grief he can potentially put me through. Also very sad about being in hospital with no husband. I wish I could stop feeling so sad, it's not how I want to feel, I just so want the life I thought I had back, and not to be having a baby alone.

Next week I have lots to do, contact the tax to work out what I should be paying now, get childcare sorted, find out what my hours will be after maternity leave, and make initial enquiries at court to do with access and maintenance. It's scary and horrid and not what I should be doing in the last few weeks of pregnancy.

I'm very angry with him, but can also feel myself relapsing into feelings of self doubt.

springytate Sun 02-Jun-13 13:17:22

It may be babyish of me, but I do resent the fallout when someone does something bad (to me). ie: I think it's bad enough what they did, I resent the months of pain after it. I want to just get on, but one foot is nailed to the floor as I go through the inevitable journey of processing it.

You will be happy again, the sadness will lift. It just does take time. In the meantime, try to enjoy yourself (this is my motto for life, actually!). re the logistics you have to tackle next week, make sure you push aside some time to do some nice things, even if they're small - or large. I think of scales: is there the right balance here? It can't be grim, grim, grim; you have to factor in some good stuff.

I also think self-doubt is par for the bloody course when you're processing it. It shows you're a good, functioning human, really; looking at things from all sides, wondering if there was anything about yourself you missed. imo it can even be a device to lessen the pain of the truth: 'maybe I did something to cause this, in which case I can change it and it won't hurt so much'. The truth can grind a bit sad

I hope the sun is still shining for you, waves. I find the sunshine a real help, even when I'm feeling horribly shit.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 03-Jun-13 09:36:20

Good morning waves hope you are comfy. The DCs must have had a ball. I know you have tons to do this week but hold onto the memories of the past couple of days.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 03-Jun-13 10:54:55

hi waves lost thread when on hols, just trying to catch up now.

Hope you are having a lovely time away with DC.

We are home now and it was so lovely just to be away.

Re TB text - maybe just reply, sorry to hear that about your friend. Nothing committal, nothing emotional but acknowledging her text.

Shit shit shit shit shit. Friend just let me know that twunt is seeing someone else. The ex gf who I found the text correspondence from way back on January. I'm so hurt. So I reckon there's been something going on all along.

How can he be such a total arse????

captainmummy Mon 03-Jun-13 21:31:09

How indeed. She will soon be another statistic in his wake.
Honestly Waves, you are so well off out of it. Hurtfull I know

goneHaywire Mon 03-Jun-13 21:31:59

<roars> WHAT?!

<takes calming breath>

Stay strong waves don't doubt yourself. Just see every arse-y move he makes as evidence that you're well shot of him

Crying a lot now. Might try to sleep. Feel so hurt and so crap about myself. What sort of man does this? And my poor little acrobat to have a person like this as his father.

Loulybelle Mon 03-Jun-13 21:54:22

Waves, acrobat might have an arsehole father, but remember hes got a wonderful, strong mother, who will give more him more love then he could ever imagine.

MissStrawberry Mon 03-Jun-13 21:57:38

did she really need to tell you?

themidwife Mon 03-Jun-13 22:11:20

Divorce the fucker for adultery then. No surprise though it must hurt like hell. And what sort of person is she if she doesn't care that his wife is pregnant & just carries on regardless?
So sorry angry

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 03-Jun-13 22:28:48

oh what a fucker he is!

I know what friend said isnt nice, but she wouldnt have meant to hurt you, but to open your eyes to what a twunt he is. sad

Im sorry waves.

Thumbwitch Tue 04-Jun-13 00:56:12

I'm glad she told you. It must have been so hard for her to decide whether or not to, but it's far better for you to know just how MUCH of an utter shit the "man" is. As if his behaviour to you wasn't bad enough already, this just tops it off.

If you had your first thread to read I'm pretty sure there were suggestions back then that this might have been the case - people like him don't tend to move on without a new person to go to, sad

Very sad for you, but angry too. Now you, my lovely need to "get your anger on" and direct it firmly at him - all that utter bollox about it being "your behaviour" is just so much sand in your eyes - it's quite likely he was carrying on with the ex while he was being such an almighty bastard to you and trying to make out it was all your fault while all the time it was HIM!

PLease get angry - but aim it exACTly where it belongs. At him.

AgathaF Tue 04-Jun-13 07:33:16

I'm so sorry that you've had this upsetting news. Try to remember though that actually, nothing has changed. He is still a shit.He is still your ex, not current. He is still manipulative and still a liar.

As Thumbwitch says though, it should be clearer to you now that he was just spouting crap with his excuses about your behaviour etc, etc. He is a lowlife. You kind of knew that anyway, you just have a bit more proof of it now.

Rubbish night's sleep, and SO sick today. I know, I DO know that he is my ex, but actually in law he is still my husband, and I am still his pregnant (and very unwell) wife. And I guess that part of me was still hoping for a massive personality change and for him to come back, begging for a new start.

And what sort of woman takes up with a man who is still married and has a pregnant wife anyway? Trying to remember that him choosing her over me does not reflect badly on who I am, but it is pretty difficult.

I'll try to arrange to get the legal ball rolling again - nothing will be issued til acrobat is born though as maintenance will all need to be taken into account, and that can't be put in place til he is here.

I also have to go into work for a meeting tomorrow, boss being cagey about what it is about, so that is worrying me a little. Just hope that I can manage a little while without throwing up. My homestart volunteer took me to Boots yesterday so I could get my free changing bag and use various vouchers, but mid shop we had to do an emergency dash to find the toilet sad

I think I might try to have a little sleep for a couple of hours before the DCs finish school. I am so very tired, and at least sleep gives me a break from feeling sad! On a positive note, I am 32 weeks today...the end of the pregnancy is nearing.

Loulybelle Tue 04-Jun-13 13:19:08

I doesnt reflect badly on you at all Waves, hes just a coward and a bully, who wants a little wife to be seen and not heard, and he pushed his like with you and quickly found out that your a strong, confident woman.

Regards to this girl, lets not imagine, the out and out pure bullshit lies hes feeding her, hes just a cunt and hes not worth your time.

You are much better than him, and truely deserving of a man who sees you as his Queen, you deserve no less than that.

BerylStreep Tue 04-Jun-13 16:28:45

Waves, sorry to hear this, although not remotely surprised. Please let it strengthen your resolve, and don't for a second think it reflects on you - he is an utter cold-hearted bastard.

Good news about 32 weeks! Has the obstetrician talked about bringing you in earlier, or are they keen to let the baby grow as much as possible?

Beryl The main concern is baby's growth - next scan in a fortnight - as long as the baby is growing he will stay put as long as possible to get as big as possible as scans are currently showing that acrobat is pretty small. But I think the next scan and appointment (which will be at 34 weeks) will give me more of an idea as to what will be happening.....

Trying to keep my resolve strong, and hold on to the thought that one day I will be someone's queen. Just need to get through the next few hours of today, then yukky work meeting tomorrow. At least after that I will know (hopefully) what is happening following maternity leave. Have a feeling that more than just the flexible working hours request will be discussed, given that I have been called in for it. No point worrying too much - what will be will be and all that.

Next month, unless I go overdue (and surely that won't happen), I'll actually have acrobat here...And will hopefully be able to eat and not feel so hideous!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 04-Jun-13 17:28:56

Waves will be keeping fingers crossed you get a date for acrobats arrival.

And like others have said, twunts behaviour does NOT reflect badly on you, at all.

It just makes him looks even more hideous to those you know in RL and us lot on MN. He is a poor excuse for a man. sad

Make sure you keep notes of any money that he gives for bills and get it paid direct to your bank A/C that way he cant say he gave you cash. And if he hasnt given you a penny, (which Im sure he hasnt) then keep records of everything you have paid for regarding house and acrobat.

Laughing to myself at the thought of twunt giving me any money or things for acrobat.... He's given me nothing at all since he left other than the money for the tyre on my car that he managed to rip months ago. I've been paying the whole mortgage, rates, bills, getting everything for the baby etc. At least there is less to keep track of I suppose.

The old garage conversion to bedsit I did manage to finish and a lovely girl and her boyfriend moved in. I got back from our 2 nights away to find the patio pristine, the rabbits cleaned out and the 2 of them strimming the garden. It was so kind! I don't really know they are there as its totally self contained now, she just pops in to use the washing machine.

Off for a bath and then a super early night I hope. Feeling sad but in a way relieved that twunt has shown his utter twuntishness so very quickly! In more positive news, my belly cast will be happening in 2 weeks time. Quite excited smile

captainmummy Tue 04-Jun-13 21:22:54

That's great about the patio, waves, how kind to do that and the rabbits!

Of course, you've been paying everything - you don't want him staking a claim on your house. He is however liable for child maintenance, however much of a twunt he is being. Don't let him off that!

Belly-cast in 2 weeks! How exciting, AND only 8 weeks of feeling sick to go./...

You are doing so well.grin

Thumbwitch Wed 05-Jun-13 07:17:26

What a lovely couple to do that for you, Waves!

See, apart from the Twunt and the TB, you attract wonderful lovely people to you. That means that you are a wonderful lovely person too, and the more you believe that, the more of that kind of person you will attract to you.

You just have to filter out the soul-suckers that like to feast on your wonderful loveliness. You'll learn how. smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 05-Jun-13 09:45:17

Hear hear waves the unpleasant few in your life can take a running jump.

Good luck with today's work meeting.

shiningcadence Wed 05-Jun-13 11:27:54

Just wanted to wish you luck for the work meeting waves.

I've been made redundant. They have wound up the entity I was working for, and so there isn't a job for me anymore. Very generous settlement, but need to get legal advice on it. Not sure how I am feeling....

babadabadoo Wed 05-Jun-13 13:04:28

your ties to the area are now becoming less and less waves, this may be just what you need! an element of freedom once baba arrives and once your tenant contracts are up - youre doing brilliantly hope youre feeling ok today

MissStrawberry Wed 05-Jun-13 13:07:29

I am sure Scotland is ready to welcome you very soon...

captainmummy Wed 05-Jun-13 13:47:41

Yes - waves, relocate! Your house is ok now, yes? Lodgers and everything. Sell up and take your money to the mainland, where you will get more for your money.

Never see DH again, and TB only by appoiuntment well in advance.

(Surrey's nice!)grin

Loulybelle Wed 05-Jun-13 14:28:12

World is waiting for you Waves....

Sorry to hear about your redundancy waves. I was threatened with redundancy in the throes of hyperemesis too, think I was 14 weeks and had just lost one of my twins, had to go into work from hospital with PICC line! to be reinterviewed. I mentioned that I was getting advice from ACAS and my employers backed down. Don't know if its something you might want to look at? Hope you are OK?

Generous settlement is good Waves. Perhaps, with that, you can be well on the way to a new life for you and your DCs. I would see this redundancy as an opportunity...

BerylStreep Wed 05-Jun-13 15:47:55

Well, at least you know what it is about now. How do you feel about it? Do they still need to pay maternity / sick pay for the remainder of you pregnancy / maternity leave? Employment section here has always been very good - Flowery and others could advise.

themidwife Wed 05-Jun-13 16:39:11

I agree - cash free lump sum sent to you by the Karma Goddess - will it set you free temporarily?

shiningcadence Wed 05-Jun-13 16:48:27

Aww waves {hug} as if you haven't got enough to think about/deal with. Could be a blessing though, as others have said.

AgathaF Wed 05-Jun-13 17:41:17

Sorry about the redundancy, but it may well work out for the best for you and give you some breathing space to plan/relocate/recover, since your settlement is good.

I'm sure it's a shock though, nevertheless, and you will need time to absorb and process the information and the implications of it.

Great news about your newest lodgers, and how lovely of them to be so helpful.

wordyBird Wed 05-Jun-13 17:50:01

Oh waves. That must have been rather a shock. How are you feeling about it now?

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 05-Jun-13 19:51:31

Im sorry about redundancy waves - but you can use this to your advantage. Of course seek advice, maybe it is time to relocate once acrobat is born. Sell house and get to Scotland, where you will get plenty for your money.

<hugs>

I know it must seem like one more thing to work out, but try to look at this as a positive.

It does feel a bit like I am in a storm, but very much hanging onto the positives, not least seeing this latest thing as an opportunity to have a very good think about my options for the future. I have done my sums, and at the least I can clear a fair amount of debt (which will obviously reduce monthly outgoings), and still be ok for 7 months, so there is certainly time to consider all the options.

I have also done my usual stress reaction trick and moved a lot of furniture around confused

Heading to bed soon, my brain is tired, and my body is tired and I think that sleep is the thing I need most.

Thumbwitch Thu 06-Jun-13 00:19:41

Hope you're in bed and sleeping easy now Waves - I think looking at it as an opportunity is the best thing to do for sure. Mind you, I'd still look at the legalities of it as well!

But still. Relocation might be a real option now! You'd need to check the legalities of that as well, but I can't see Twunt putting up too much of a fight, can you?

Many (((hugs))) - your strength is indomitable, just think, if you can get through this load of shit that is being thrown at you, you can get through anything smile

BerylStreep Thu 06-Jun-13 15:59:02

Ha! I move furniture too!

mummytime Thu 06-Jun-13 16:11:23

Well if you get a job somewhere else, after redundancy it is more likely any judge would let you go.
Do make sure they generous payment is really generous, and get some financial advice on all the tax implications. Do make sure you are not losing out on any maternity pay, also that your ex can't try to claim any.

themidwife Thu 06-Jun-13 18:03:46

Remember that move to Scotland you were considering? Maybe test the market & put the house for sale as soon as the legals in process?

I definitely have lots of options. This afternoon I am getting the required legal advice and sign off on the agreement. What my employer is offering will be separate to any issues with claims my ex may have over it, so I think I will need to get legal balls rolling asap in respect of the end of the marriage.

Beryl so pleased I am not the only person who moves furniture when stressed. Must admit I am aching a bit today..... Stress and nesting kicking in at the same time means I have moved quite a lot!

I have so much to do today - family support worker round, hospital, appointment re the legal agreement - I think I will be going to bed before the children. Oh, I also have to sort out a pickle situation. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1773871-Ive-come-downstairs-this-morning-and-the-kitchen-is-covered-in-what-appears-to-be-pickle-Any-ideas

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 07-Jun-13 07:49:07

waves you are doing so well, you really are! So proud of you. <hug>

maybe your homestart person would know of legal people who could help you - in family law. I know that when my friend was going through a messy break up the CAB gave her a family lawyer who was amazing. You need someone on your side who wont take any shit from twunt.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 07-Jun-13 08:43:07

Hello all

TGIF.

Have a good weekend waves you are handling all this very well and I'm glad you have such nice lodgers. Hope you have good chat with the family support worker.

My sister used to do that furniture thing too!

Pickle?? <goes off too look at thread>.

themidwife Fri 07-Jun-13 13:06:39

The mystery of the pickle! Was it a lodger who accidentally flicked a knife of it everywhere when drunk & didn't notice? You know, that 2am emergency cheese & pickle sandwich?!! grin

It seems to be a LOT more pickle than a knife's worth. Hmmmm.

Have had a busy day, including support worker round (next week's task is to sort out insurance contribution status given the redundancy, following week is legal stuff), hospital (unexpectedly also got the whooping cough vaccine - ouch), and seeing the legal advisor re my redundancy agreement. Next thing on the list is getting the DCs from school, then probably collapsing in the garden as I am completely and utterly shattered

themidwife Fri 07-Jun-13 14:47:18

Twunt doesn't have any way of getting in does he? angry

Oh gosh - I hope not. Would he really have stooped so low as to spray my kitchen with pickle??? (If it is in fact pickle, which it may not be)

captainmummy Fri 07-Jun-13 18:04:20

Oh Midwife - hope not! That would be the last defence.

It really is a mystery, Waves. Have you asked the lodgers?

themidwife Sat 08-Jun-13 06:25:29

What do the lodgers say? I also really hope it's not him but if kids & lodgers all deny all knowledge I think you need to change the locks & deadbolt every door at night & inform the police.

I cleaned up all the pickle/animal excrement/whatever it was (using gloves etc and being v careful in case it was the cat as that's not a good thing in pg is it). I have started locking the door carefully each night, and asked the lodgers to do the same when they get in (slightly envious of them being able to go out all the time - by the time I was their age I had 2 babies, and a mortgage!)

I don't think it was twunt - gut instinct is he is far too busy enjoying his new bitch of an OW life, but taking precautions.

Update from me otherwise, feeling better about the redundancy. September will be the time to start job hunting, both here are in other places. I regularly get contacted by a couple of agencies in London, but I don't want to work or live there by myself with 3 little ones. So, I will see what is about in the rest of the country. Of course, if I was to sell here, and move away, I wouldn't need the crippling mortgage to afford a reasonable sized home for us, so could look for a less demanding career or a complete change. (icecream anyone? wink)

I made contact with TB as DS needed his star wars lego model from her house. I collected it from her and stayed for a little chat. She was really nice (for her) and didn't apologise but did offer me a cup of tea. Well, I had a cup of hot water which I sipped slowly and we had a little chat. I invited her round to my house (which she never used to come to) and she actually came yesterday and said NOTHING DEROGATORY. She also gave me 3 little 0-3 months vests she'd got from the charity shop, and some baby bath towels. The DCs were very pleased to see her, and it was not painful. Plan is to maintain relations on this level without letting her get into the position of being able to feel that I am dependent on her. So, maybe next weekend or the weekend after I will invite her round, or go to hers with the DCs.

Acrobat is being true to his name so I need to go and vomit, then get the DCs up and ready - they are off to my friend's for the day so they can actually "do" something as opposed to hang around the house with me being sick. Nearly 33 weeks now, so term is just 4 weeks away. And just 9 days til my next scan.....

auntpetunia Sun 09-Jun-13 10:31:06

Glad you are sounding positive. Good plan with TB everything on your terms will keep you in control. Definitely worth looking at the rest of the country for work and your ice cream sounds gorgeous so you could look at a small franchise somewhere.

Enjoy the sunshine

Thumbwitch Sun 09-Jun-13 11:59:46

Good news re. TB - perhaps we could down-grade that to TM now, if she keeps up the good work! Glad she managed to keep it nice for you - who knows, she might have realised how awful she had been!

springytate Sun 09-Jun-13 13:09:14

Hmm, well I doubt she's realised how awful she has been - imo people like this never change...

BUT you've enforced some serious boundaries and she is responding. Note to self: watch your boundaries like a hawk.

how bizarre about the pickle (or whatever it was??). Have you seen Lou's thread/s about her husband taking off one day and methodically taking half all their possessions, but including all the chutney? You couldn't make it up!

As for the job: they were shits anyway so maybe it's good you're out with a handsome settlement. It does open things out a bit for you.

You're doing so well, waves xxx

Thumbwitch Sun 09-Jun-13 15:16:58

The picklegeist (nicked from TiggyD on t'other thread) is an amazing mystery!

Springy is right, it IS doubtful that she would realise how awful she has been but at least she's playing nice for now, so that's still a bonus.

Hope you're feeling a little better now. x

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 09-Jun-13 18:40:56

bizarre re picklegate/geist. grin

I would be VERY careful about letting your guard down with TB - she will think that you have 'got over it' by now and if you start entertaining her again on a regular basis she will revert to type very quickly. (sorry)

All you can do is manage her very well and disengage as much as possible.

So glad you are sounding so positive, you have lots to look forward to.

And yes, I would love an ice cream please. envy

I often look at ice cream makers and then decide that I cant justify another appliance on the kitchen worktop. Nothing at all to do with my waist line!

I am definitely going to be very careful with TB and boundaries. It is good that the time away has got me re-engaged with friends etc as there simply isn't much time for her in our lives at the moment. I have not forgiven what she has done, but am also aware that she will not change. We may see her in a couple of weeks, but I'll see how we go with that.

I have totally overdone it today and feel utterly appalling. Bloody nesting instinct kicked in, and I feel more nauseous than I have in a while, and the vomiting has increased too. Still I can see a million things that need doing (and yes, the front garden does need weeding before acrobat arrives confused), and am now mega upset as I don't have a special shawl or blanket for acrobat. Such a stupid thing to get upset about, but my exMIL handmade them for DS and DD, and now I neither have a shop bought or handmade one for acrobat. Stupid nesting brain telling me I have to learn how to crochet or sew or patchwork or knit in the next few days, but I actually can't sad

I feel so SO sick I could die. (I still feel positive about life, just want to not be feeling so physically dreadful)

BerylStreep Sun 09-Jun-13 20:37:41

Hey, don't worry about a shawl - go easy on yourself.

An hour of fairly uncomfortable bh contractions has reminded me how sucky it is to be alone just now. Meant to be sleeping to get respite from the vomiting, instead I've been doing breathing and walking round the garden (and vomiting some more). My cat has brought herself up to my bed so at least I have a little company.

aufaniae Mon 10-Jun-13 02:02:16

Hi waves. Just checking, are you absolutly sure they're BH?

AgathaF Mon 10-Jun-13 07:45:43

Hope the contractions settled and you got some sleep last night.

I agree with all the others who have said be super cautious about letting your mum get too close again. She hasn't changed, she is incapable of it, she is just putting on a fake front to get back in with you and the children.

Any MNers who can knit or crochet around? I'm sure womeone could knit you a lovely shawl for acrobat's arrival.

All settled after about 2.5 hours so ok but knackered this morning. Got myself a bit worried though as no one was in the house and my plan for middle of the night labour was to rely on the lodgers who are all ok with that.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 10-Jun-13 07:58:38

morning waves - glad everything settled down for you last night.

Everything will work out, dont worry. <hug>

captainmummy Mon 10-Jun-13 08:34:22

Take it easy this morning - no more moving furniture or cleaning the kitchen (or weeding the garden, come to that. It really doesn't need it. And the weeds will just come back.grin)

Glad you got on better with TB, but do be careful not to let your guard down.

And if you look at cheaper parts of the country you may find that you will be mortgage-free - and an ice-cream business sounds good!

MinnieBar Mon 10-Jun-13 09:24:15

<de-lurks>
I could crochet you a little blanket, if you like? I've only got acrylic (very washable, so in many ways ideal for newborns) but if someone wanted to donate some wool like we use on the woolly hugs I could use that?

smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 10-Jun-13 11:24:34

waves you must be good and ignore that nesting instinct where possible; rest and not invent chores to do.

Thumbwitch Mon 10-Jun-13 12:43:15

MinnieBar have PMd you smile

vole3 Mon 10-Jun-13 15:21:06

Alternatively if we specify a size of square and type / colour of yarn we could send squares to MinnieBar to create a blanket of mumsnet 'hugs' for Acrobat.

MinnieBar Mon 10-Jun-13 15:39:57

Yes, happy to do that smile although I don't know how many knitters/crocheters there are posting and lurking on the thread?? (come out, come out wherever you are!)

Once we get an idea of numbers I'd recommend sticking with the WoollyHugs guidelines for yarn as they're tried and tested, and although I've done quite a few squares and small blankets now, I'm a novice in comparison.

MinnieBar Mon 10-Jun-13 15:40:42

PM me if you're interested in whatever capacity…

AgathaF Mon 10-Jun-13 16:29:56

I can't knit or crochet but wish I could. It would be so lovely for Waves to have something knitted with love for her acrobat.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 10-Jun-13 18:49:41

hi I have PMd mini - I sometimes knit for wooly hugs, but am snowed under at moment, but have offered some balls of woolly hugs wool - which is beautiful, and feels soft n snugly.

Anyway, shall wait to hear from mini.

vole3 Mon 10-Jun-13 20:45:53

Will try to pick up some wool tomorrow - shades of blue / cream / green

themidwife Mon 10-Jun-13 20:48:44

I'm still collecting things for you via the children's centres I work in so will look out for a shawl or nice blanket too as a spare. What clothes do you need? We have mountains of second hand baby clothes!!

MinnieBar Mon 10-Jun-13 22:37:36

Have PM'd you Vole smile

Hello everyone, I've had a really really quiet day, lots of resting and a bit of snoozing as I really didn't want a repeat of the pain and sickness of yesterday. Again overwhelmed by the kindness of MN....

I've signed my redundancy agreement so that is in the post now. Bit scary but it wasn't like it was an option. Not sure whether to tell twunt. HR were going to announce it today and in a small community word travels fast. Should I let him know myself, or let the grapevine work? There's been no contact at all since 10 May.

Baby clothes wise, I am not sure how much of each type of thing I need. I've forgotten so much about babies.... I think 0 - 3 months is where I need most as i have quite a few newborn vests and sleep suits now, and am pretty sure newborns don't need much in the way of other bits. But I can't remember confused

Feeling scared again about how I'll manage, and the thing on the news about fatherless children has made me feel low. And I'm not looking forward to fathers day at the weekend as we don't have any fathers around to celebrate. I know it's really just a marketing thing, but it is emotionally another thing to contend with.

Ah well. In an hour I will be 33 weeks pregnant. It's not such a long time until acrobat will be here now is it!

wordyBird Tue 11-Jun-13 01:47:33

Hope tomorrow is quiet too, and that things feel less worrying in the morning.

You know what I'm going to say about telling your STBX. Don't do it! Opening any line of communication will only set you back, I think. Hold onto your strength now.

Not too long to acrobat's arrival, and no more sickness .. hurray!

GenevievePettigrew Tue 11-Jun-13 05:42:47

Hello waves; just wanted to say what a FABULOUS story you'll have for Acrobat about his baby blanket - Minnie so lovely that you can do that! (I am in Australia so will just send sunshine, and a lovely long, warm summer.)

AgathaF Tue 11-Jun-13 07:43:08

Don't tell twunt about the redundancy. For one thing, you shouldn't open up lines of communication again as you know that it will set you back. For another thing, it's none of his business now. Be prepared that he may try to contact you about it when he does find out, but again, it's not his concern so don't engage.

Hope you have another calm and relaxing day.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 11-Jun-13 07:44:04

morning waves and everyone.

Dont fret about fathers day - its a ploy, just have a nice day doing whatever you 3 (and acrobat) feel like doing.

Personally, I wouldnt tell twunt - its none of his business. WOW 33 weeks, you are almost there, how exciting!

Dont add anything else to worry you.

<hugs>

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 11-Jun-13 07:44:53

X post with agatha! But we are both on same page. NOXB - None of X Business. grin

Thumbwitch Tue 11-Jun-13 11:05:26

Agree with others, there is no need for you to tell him. If he finds out through the grapevine, so be it.

Not long to go now! <excited for you>

Hurrah for not long to go - feeling seriously crappy the past few days. This morning my family support worker took me to the insurance contributions and income tax offices to discuss what has happened re redundancy/maternity leave/twunt leaving etc. First meeting was on the third floor and I needed to be sick and the toilet was on the first floor. No idea how I got down the stairs so fast!!! Anyway, that meeting was pretty ok, and I should be fine so long as I am working again in January.

Income tax was less fun. I need to get a letter signed by twunt confirming that we are separated. They have messed up on codings, which can be remedied, but still a PITA. Anyway, I sent twunt a v brief email just asking if he will sign a letter if I email it as an attachment.

I'm going back to bed in a minute - can't handle being upright as the nausea seems so much worse. Have been sick to the point of disgusting unidentifiable bile today, and that is the stuff that really hurts to come up.

And I am really looking forward to having a lovely story to tell about acrobat's blanket. Hoping that wishes for a lovely long hot summer come true - it would suit us all very well.

AgathaF Tue 11-Jun-13 11:47:09

Well, it's good that things are being sorted out, but horrid that you are feeling so rough. I hope twunt is co-operative with regard to signing the letter, although he doesn't really have form for co-operation.

Are you still going to the hospital for anti-emetics?

Wow, not long at all now.

shiningcadence Tue 11-Jun-13 11:56:04

Just wanted to add my voice to those saying not to tell twunt about redundancy. He has form for being manipulative and once communication has opened may use the chance to take advantage of your vulnerability and manipulate you again. Just be wary waves, you've been doing so, so well lately.

Twunt replied and no problems on the letter for income tax. He'd already heard about my redundancy. Bad news travels fast and all that!

I'm meant to be just up at hospital twice a week at the moment to see how I get on with a reduced schedule. Not sure whether it is because they are fed up of me (my suspicion), or whether it is to give me a break from the tedium, but things are utterly rubbish at the moment health-wise so I may need an extra trip up there this week.

Now I need to get myself to the shop as there is no milk or bread left. How can a 2 minute trip seem so daunting?

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 11-Jun-13 13:59:56

Is there no way to get milk.bread when on school run? Or ask a Mum to get some on way to/from for you?

wordyBird Tue 11-Jun-13 14:32:32

2 minutes is a long time when you feel awful!

Much sympathy. Hope you make it without, er, incident (and hopefully you won't have to charge down 2 flights of stairs if caught short shock ...poor you!)

Thumbwitch Tue 11-Jun-13 14:57:59

Next time you're up at the hospital, can you ask them to let you have some emergency sick bags? then you could maybe keep a couple in your handbag so you don't have to risk life and limb next time you're caught out.

Glad Twunt is co-operating re. tax forms.

MinnieBar Tue 11-Jun-13 16:00:45

Think of it this way Waves - a newborn is going to be such a doddle compared to now. No, really - I never had hyperemesis but I had SPD with all three and when DC3 finally came along it was so, so much better than particularly the late stages of pregnancy. I can promise this will just become a distant (horrible) memory!

Also, just a little reminder for anyone else who wants to contribute to the blanket to PM me smile

BerylStreep Tue 11-Jun-13 20:28:32

I really wish I could knit.

There will be many cheers on MN when acrobat arrives. Try to take it easy. Have you managed to con get someone else to clean up the unidentified substance from the kitchen?

I do think that life with a newborn will be a doddle compared to this. Unidentified mess #1 was cleaned up (by me) but this evening there was ANOTHER lot. Reddish this time. I know it was one of the lodgers though, as I heard him drop his dinner. It went everywhere. he cleaned the floor (or the dog licked it up) but I've had to clean the radiator, door frames, doors, fridge, freezer, etc. It even splatted all over DD's (my little artist) current fridge pictures sad

I've had a long chat with them today about general tidiness and stuff in the house, and they have also let me know they are thinking of moving on. I just reminded them that they need to give me notice per the agreements, and they are fine with that. Just hope that I get new people in quickly if that does happen.

Off to bed/the bathroom very soon. Can't face more hours of being awake and vomiting, but not sure I'll be blessed with sleep just yet. It has been a long, long day.

Thanks to all who are helping with acrobat's blanket - it is so very kind, and will be a very special treasure for him (and me)

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 11-Jun-13 21:58:16

it really isnt on to leave the mess cleaning to you! You arent their mother, but landlady. Get tough!

Doha Tue 11-Jun-13 22:04:13

Have PM'd you Waves

Thumbwitch Wed 12-Jun-13 01:31:16

Oh FGS - the lodger dropped his dinner and then didn't clean up?? How rude!

Sorry to hear they are thinking of moving on already - that always used to annoy me slightly when it happened to me. Obviously people don't always gel, or they have changed circs that force them to move, but it's still annoying!

Mind you, given the redundancy as well, it might work out perfectly in terms of you deciding to move elsewhere wink

themidwife Wed 12-Jun-13 06:49:17

Depending on the age of the lodgers they have no concept of splashback!! Teenage offspring similar! They all just clear up the main spillage (not very well)!

springytate Wed 12-Jun-13 10:05:29

oh yes, lodgers can be a PITA. I just lost a lodger/house share because I asked him to mow the lawn. He took off for weeks, and has now said he's moving in with his mother! He didn't do a stroke of work in the house the 4 months he was with me - the lawn request (takes 20 minutes! and he's considering being a gardener!) was a step too far it seems.

Anyway, they got you over a hump. You have a good bit of dosh now to consider your options and give you a bit of space. Nothing like money to help you feel calm ime. Worry about money can be such a killer.

I'm so sorry the hyperemesis seems to have stepped up again. It does seem to be linked in part to your general mood would you say? ie it looks like anxiety makes it a loss worse - which stands to reason, of course.

Keep going waves, you are doing so well. Not long now and you won't be nailed to the floor with this awful sickness and vomitting xxxx

springytate Wed 12-Jun-13 10:08:22

Actually, I'm sorry I've appeared to be blase about you losing your job. It hurts at the best of times, quite a blow. Us posters may be able to see that it opens up your options considerably, but being made redundant is pants, regardless what's going on in your life. I hope it isn't long before you can really enjoy the benefits xxxx

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 14-Jun-13 12:40:27

hi waves how are you? hope the sick is a bit better again and that you are ok.

You've been v quiet for a few days, which always worries me that TB or Twunt have been on the scene, draining you of your hard earned serenity.

shiningcadence Fri 14-Jun-13 17:38:56

Hi waves, another one hoping tb or twunt hasn't upset you and that pregnancy and everything else is going well.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Fri 14-Jun-13 19:30:40

I'm also a bit worried about you, waves.
Is everything ok?

Hi, it's been a hard week. Just the brief email dialogue with twunt and his total lack of compassion etc was enough to really drain me. The sickness was also horrid up til last night. Today I've only been sick 4 times so a much better day!

I'm really worried about what twunt will be like when acrobat arrives and it's playing on my mind a lot. Knowing that I never knew the real him it is impossible to guess what he will be like. I know that I won't be able to cope with battles once acrobat is here sad

However, I do have good news. I was weighed at hospital today and have managed to put on 1kg since being weighed a month ago! Tuesday's scan is rescheduled to next Friday but hoping that will give good news too.

I need to get my head back into a more positive place. But I'm genuinely gutted about how uncaring twunt and his family have proved to be, and I'm also very upset about the redundancy. Life feels uncertain, and I feel very vulnerable.

PeoniesPlease Fri 14-Jun-13 23:27:46

Hi waves, I posted on some of your earlier threads and I'm still rooting for you.

V glad to hear about the weight gain, and I really hope the sickness abates so that you can enjoy the weekend with the DCs.

I think you may surprise yourself with your strength once acrobat arrives and you are dealing with twunt. Also, contact will be v limited for a while anyway because acrobat will need to be with his Mum, so I'd try not to worry about it for now. (Easier said than done I know.)

Getting made redundant is totally shit but it may turn out to be an opportunity for you to move somewhere else (thus helping a bit with the twunt issue) and perhaps start that ice cream business!

Take care of yourself. flowers

AndMiffyWentToSleep Sat 15-Jun-13 05:56:24

I agree with Peonies, you will be strong when acrobat arrives. Stronger, probably, as you'll be physically better then.
I always find unknowns are the scariest things to deal with - and twunt and redundancy are both unknowns at the moment. Once you know what you're dealing with you can start figuring out ways of dealing with things but until then, it just seems so scary.

springytate Sat 15-Jun-13 09:30:51

I'm so sorry you're feeling so raw, waves

The anxiety about twunt is probably general anxiety focusing on something - easy for it to be the shithead.

Remember how well you have done in the hardest of circumstances. You are a survivor, waves. Life has thrown you some horrible curveballs - like Marlon (Nemo's dad), go with it. It's horrible to be rejected but try not to let it go in or take it personally. I know this is nigh impossible but at least acknowledge that what the shit has done has nothing to do with you, everything to do with him. What the TB does has nothing to do with you, all to do with her. What work have done has nothing to do with you, all to do with them.

From here it looks like you're being cut loose. When you're in it it can look frightening and alarming. You don't know the end of the story yet, you can trust that it will be good?

Praying for you xxxxx

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Sat 15-Jun-13 09:32:59

Waves I've just read both your threads.

WRT your mum, all I can say is even the most beautiful flowers grow from dirt.

Ditto for Acrobat. (Though half his soil is fancy, nice smelling kind wink

I am so grateful for the image of beautiful flowers growing from dirt, and it has made me think that actually you need the stinkiest heaps of manure to make things really grow and thrive. So maybe I have had my manure delivery, and now the beautiful growth can begin again.

I made it to my friend's DD's birthday party this afternoon, and caught up with a lovely friend I haven't seen in ages. He has also had a few manure deliveries the past few months, so was good to catch up, and discuss ways of embracing the positive opportunities that are surely there for the taking.

I was late to bed last night as DD's cousin came for a sleepover (why it is called a sleepover I do NOT know), and then acrobat was practising his trampolining skills most of the night (ouchy cervix, ouchy ribs, repeat ad inifinitum.....), so I now have a bath running, and a very early night planned. DD was snoring by 7, and DS will be off to bed any minute. One lodger (red splatter criminal) is back home for 4 nights, and the other is out, so we have a very quiet house which is lovely.

Hoping acrobat decides to have a little bit of a rest this evening, as I am aching with tiredness, but really pleased I made the effort to get to the birthday party.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 16-Jun-13 13:32:59

hi waves sounds like you had a good day, and a quiet house. Bonus!

You and the kiddies will be fine, you are going through one of the hardest parts at the moment and you have a core of steel. It shines through all the shitty manure.

Dont ever doubt yourself, YOU are a good Mum/Dad and everything else a child could need.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 17-Jun-13 07:48:42

morning, hope you had a good night. flowers

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Mon 17-Jun-13 14:13:47

Same here. You're on my mind often Waves thanks

Thanks for the flowers smile I still have a quiet house which is nice, and today the homestart lady came and was brilliant. She bleached the bin and some of my cleaning cloths, and we had a good chat.

Trying not to doubt myself, but I think that to the outside world maybe I appear to be a difficult person....I have this awful relationship with my mum, and have now 2 failed marriages. I can't help but think that this reflects badly on me. And the redundancy has also not helped with these thoughts.

However, as usual, I am trying to remain positive, despite feeling like a sack of manure myself! Tomorrow I am going to court with my family support worker to find out how the process works with respect to maintenance and contact, then taking myself (hopefully) to the supermarket so I can batch prepare meals for the remaining weeks of pregnancy and early weeks with a newborn.

I just heard that my cousin had a baby boy last night smile she was due 5 weeks before me, and suddenly I realise that in a few weeks time I will be a mum to 3 children! I get so caught up in worries about twunt, and the illness, and life in general, it's like I forget that in a very short while I will be welcoming an actual, real, and totally dependent little person into the world. I'm feeling a little scared now...

captainmummy Mon 17-Jun-13 15:30:43

But waves - studies have shown that children of abusive parents go on to seek equally-abusive relationships as adults. It's your parents fault you went on to 2 EA marriages, and to your credit that you recognise them as such and got out! The cycle has stopped with you - your lovely children will be well-balanced, happy and loved adults. (peice in the news today about Nigella -she was EA by her mother and possibly physically too, and it has led her into accepting her husband with his hands round her neck (allegedly!)

Yes your due date is coming up fast! Don't be scared, you can do it. It'll be lovely to finally see your acrobat, and to feel a bit better. I honestly don't know how you have done 9 months of sickness, pregnancy, house-turmoil on your own.

Acrobat will be a doddle after that.

flowers

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 17-Jun-13 16:33:15

Hope the last few weeks of pregnancy fly by, waves.

I don't know you in rl but you come across as a gutsy capable person, it is very often those qualities that attract the weak or damaged personalities, because even if they cannot replicate those gifts, they recognise your strength and abilities. They may not admit it but they know the value and are either ultimately jealous or resentful. Being shallow types they may exude outward confidence or likeability, talk the talk and have you doubt yourself, but scratch the surface and they revert to petty bullies.

Am so glad to hear you are looking to stay positive, it has been so tough but you bounce back.

springytat Mon 17-Jun-13 23:12:09

oh waves you are not a 'difficult person' because you have a TB for a mother and a vile bastard ex husband. As others are saying, primary damage reflects in later relationship choices. (I should know! My life has a trail of the most appalling relationships of every description...)

Look at your lovely kids - a testament to what a great person you are if there ever was one. And you will be fabulous with Acrobat, that is so obvious. You are one hard worker, resourceful and just a fab person. That comes across.

I'm not buttering you up btw. I'm known for not gilding the lilly.

keep going sweetheart. You are fab.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 18-Jun-13 07:43:33

waves I second what springy said.

You are going to be busy with acrobat and the other DC, but I really hope that you manage to do the freedom programme, or any other that is recommended by the lovely MNers who have been in your shoes.
I think working on yourself and learning to recognise what is acceptable and what isnt will really help you and the DC.

You have done a fabulous job with DC and it is clear that you are a lovely person with a heart of gold - but with some seriously toxic people in your past. flowers

Thank you for the positive messages. I'm off with my family support worker this morning to find out about court applications for maintenance, and what will happen contact wise. I still need to find a go-between (not a lawyer, FAR too expensive) to mediate between us as I am so much better psychologically having nothing to do with twunt.

34 weeks today, which I celebrated by vomiting spectacularly in the bathroom this morning. Nothing like cleaning up sick splash-back when you feel utterly crap anyway.

Last night I didn't rest wallow in self pity, I went and played music for a local poetry group. It was lovely to do some music again, I only did 4 pieces, but they were so appreciative. Acrobat thoroughly enjoyed the music as well as the poetry judging by his antics. It was tiring, but worth it to have the opportunity to play for some new people, and remind myself how much I love music smile

Wish me luck for today..... I hope it will alleviate some of the anxiety.

AgathaF Tue 18-Jun-13 09:25:40

Hope it goes well today waves. Lovely about your music last night.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 18-Jun-13 12:03:13

Fabulous waves what an effort that took last night but very rewarding. Good luck today flowers.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Tue 18-Jun-13 13:22:16

Waves*... Picture your favourite flower, and every day and another petal/dot-to-dot-/line of writing about Acrobat. That's what I did with DTD and DTS when we were warned of a traumatic birth. It's crazy, I know. I used my DSS's crayons and let my heart floe into my truly terrible artwork.words. No one has ever seen them (including DH) But I believe realising my pain into positive energy made DTD that tiny bit stronger to survive. Now I have my Prince and my Wildflower... I'm not making any sense, too broody I'm sorry!! blush

You, DC and Acrobat will be such a happy family. I know it in my bones.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 18-Jun-13 17:21:16

waves how did today go? Been thinking about you and hoping you have a way forward that doesnt include twunt being an arse or being anywhere near you.

themidwife Tue 18-Jun-13 18:43:50

Good luck today honey - on the home straight now & all will be sorted out soon thanks

Today was ok, although discovered how ANCIENT and SEXIST the laws over here are particularly with respect to birth registration. Grrrrr. However, can get maintenance sorted out without needing any legal input, so that will save money. And contact is something he will have to apply for, if he isn't happy with what I suggest.

I am emailing him tomorrow to set out what I want finance and contact wise, and if he is ok with that, then the forms can go to court as soon as acrobat arrives. It does mean court in the early weeks, but if it can be done by consent, then there will be nothing protracted which will help.

My other job tomorrow is to batch cook and freeze a heap of meals. My new tenant (her with lovely bf who strimmed the garden) came along with me to the supermarkets today to give me a hand which was great, so I am stocked up on the ingredients. Just have to hope I can get a little respite from the sickness so I can get on with it all.

I like the idea of the flower. I will steal some of DDs colouring pencils and paper tomorrow, and take some time out to do a basic picture, and add to it daily.

Super tired - such a busy day again. Hoping I don't wake quite so early tomorrow.

TiredFeet Tue 18-Jun-13 22:16:12

So very pleased you made it out to play music waves, I hope that gave you a bit of a lift.

Your new tenant and her boyfriend sound lovely and helpful, I'm really pleased

I just know you will be an amazing mum to acrobat. Your strength and kindness are so clear and will carry your through the hard times.

You are very brave to be batch cooking, I don't know where you find the strength! I have stopped being sick but think the poor diet has left me lacking and I have no energy for anything, I honestly don't know how you keep going!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 18-Jun-13 23:59:50

The tenant does sound a sweet person which proves again nothing 'difficult' about you or why would she willingly spend time helping out.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 19-Jun-13 08:06:06

I was sure I posted last night...

anyway, glad you have some good news re twunt and access. Hopefully he will respond well to your email today and not be true to form. I doubt it, so prepare yourself for his reply.

another step closer to acrobat. x

springytat Wed 19-Jun-13 12:28:53

MinnieBar I can't PM you! MN just won't let me <wail> Please PM me about the blanket secret ssssshhhhh

I just love the idea of you playing and acrobat going nuts, waves grin

ah, music is good for the soul, yes?

I do wonder if you do too much my darling? Just a thought. You seem to be on the go at breakneck point a lot of the time... or am I getting that wrong?

Just saying that ime of a toxic upbringing, I can also be quite manic at times. I have to watch myself. It's as if I'm running and running - to catch up [to the impossible]? to run away? Whatever, I can be manic. Or completely comatose. It's just how it is with me sometimes, I have to watch it.

YOur lodgers sound straight from heaven btw. How lovely they are. (I love them - tell them that from me)

xxxx

friskybivalves Wed 19-Jun-13 12:58:36

Just catching up after a week or two of pesky RL - waves, I can put some more 0-3 in the post if you are short? Found an unused tube of lansinoh <glamorous!> which may come I. Handy.

And I'm a knitter. Well, kind of.,. And would love to do a square. Could someone possibly post the details of what to do and I will see if I can get the yarn in Paris.

Thinking of you and hoping bitch/twunt/contact issues are all manageable as the week goes on...

MinnieBar Wed 19-Jun-13 15:56:42

top secret PMs sent

frisky yes, 0 - 3 months clothes would be hugely appreciated - thank you for the offer.

springy, today I feel I have certainly overdone it. I cooked for about 7 hours, and made so many meals, which is a weight off my mind, but it was a bit too much to do. I certainly do feel a bit manic at times. Always trying to keep one ten steps ahead, but not sure what I am keeping ahead of?! Maybe it is a way to try to gain the world's approval or something, which would certainly reflect back to my childhood. I'm the girl who cried when she got her GCSE results because there was one B grade. Never mind all the rest were As and A*s. I only saw the B.

tired so pleased you have stopped being sick, and fingers are crossed that your energy levels improve soon.

I just emailed twunt, will see if he replies tomorrow. Bit worried, but it was necessary, and now it is just a bit of a waiting game.

Next (and final) task of the day is to find a babysitter for Sunday evening so I can attend an antenatal class. I really do need some space and time to mentally prepare for the birth.

Tomorrow, I need (want?) to mow the lawn, and wash some baby bits, but other than that I am really hoping for a quieter day, as today has taken its toll. My nose is also very sore from wearing the clip on it for so long. But no way would I have managed the cooking without it. At least when acrobat is here I will be able to eat well which should help with the milk supply, as I do now have such a lot of frozen meals ready. Which I know are full of really good ingredients and no nasties smile

Thank you EVERYONE for still being here with me, on what is an exhausting journey.

BerylStreep Wed 19-Jun-13 21:15:50

Yes, exhausting, but the reward will be worth it. On the home straight now.

Why don't you wash the baby things tomorrow, and forget about the lawn?

Lovethesea Wed 19-Jun-13 21:17:34

It's an honour to lurk on the edges of your story - I am sure I am not the only one who thinks 'Wonder how Waves is doing?' every day or so.

You are incredibly strong and courageous and have come soooo far. Can't wait for acrobats arrival and for you to feel well again.

It's ok to just BE too. No doing. Just BE. Your value, like everyone's, is intrinsic, not linked to what you DO. Nothing to prove Waves, we all think your great anyhow!!

springytat Wed 19-Jun-13 21:27:03

Always trying to keep one ten steps ahead, but not sure what I am keeping ahead of?! Maybe it is a way to try to gain the world's approval or something, which would certainly reflect back to my childhood. I'm the girl who cried when she got her GCSE results because there was one B grade. Never mind all the rest were As and A*s. I only saw the B.

yes, yes, YES. Were we separated at birth? ah no, it was our toxic childhoods, that's it confused

Maybe we need to learn to pace ourselves. At the very thought of that I feel like the boy in the Incredibles at the school race who couldn't gauge how to run at a 'normal' pace...

xxxx

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 20-Jun-13 09:39:16

Well done, preparing all those meals, waves!

Love the image of washing tiny baby things, like dolly clothes. <Soppy>.

mistlethrush Thu 20-Jun-13 10:22:44

34 weeks!! How amazing that time has flown so far and it now won't be that long before acrobat can be living up to his name in your arms smile. And of course you should stop feeling sick!!!

Tennants that strimmed the garden sound lovely. And well done on all the meals too!

(Sorry was away for half term and RL caught up etc)

My freezer had to work very hard last night. It even did a warning bleep... But all back to normal this morning thankfully. My DCs are sorted with shepherds pie, fish pie, chicken stew, vegetable chilli and some fruit crumbles for the next 2 or 3 months I think. Thank goodness for supermarkets doing mark downs on dated food smile

I've mowed my lawn, and am popping to the charity shop with bits and bobs in a declutter effort then other than washing through baby clothes (it is a little scary that they are so teeny tiny) I am doing nothing other than rest today as I'm shattered already. Only been sick 3 times today though which is a "good" morning for me confused

I wonder if twunt will reply to the email today? Trying not to worry about it, but I feel myself physically tense up and become very anxious when I think about him/the situation. It is not nice. It all gets a bit much and I start to feel overwhelmed again.

twat twat twat twat twat.

I got a reply. I had suggested £300 a month maintenance (he earns over £50K so not unfair to him) and he has said that is FAR too much. So looks like I will be going to court in the early weeks of acrobat's life to get a reasonable sum of maintenance off him. Nice than he can afford to wine and dine his new woman, live in a 3 bedroom flat, and I have just cooked all our meals from scratch on going out of date food, and share my kitchen, bathroom and pretty much all my house so that WE can live.

And i asked him on his thoughts re access. He said he assumed I would want as little as possible, but he would like us to negotiate it between ourselves, so HE doesn't have to take ME to court for visitation rights. Bastard. So, now it looks like I am going to be taking HIM to court for maintenance, and he will be taking ME to court. Utter utter twat. He is a vile as the vilest vile thing in the world and I utterly despise him.

He is a cock of the highest order and I wish I could afford a decent lawyer but it is totally pointless as I cannot justify the waste of money, when I know the law, and what is reasonable (and fgs I am like 85% fully legally qualified so resent paying £400+ an hour to be told things I already know)

I actually just want to curl up and cry now. I need a magic wand and for this all to go away.

mistlethrush Thu 20-Jun-13 12:51:08

Waves - can you seriously think about relocation? I know that this would be a huge turmoil just at the moment - but other things seem to be just right about it - you could look for a job in your new location?

AgathaF Thu 20-Jun-13 12:56:33

What a shit he is, waves. I have nothing useful to say to you but just, he is a shit.

On a more positive note, you are indeed a wonder woman with your cooking etc.

It's all too much. Vitriolic email from him , accusing me of fabricating everything about our relationship, blaming the whole breakdown of our marriage on me not getting on with his boys, and of slandering him. I'm still really ill, heavily pregnant, have just been made redundant and frankly, the fact that he can continue on like this is appalling.

He is going to take me to court regarding visitation. He won't pay anything reasonable maintenance wise so I'm not going to bother pursuing it. I just want a safe nest to bring my little acrobat home to, and he can't allow me that. He says "I have to realise that it is not all about me".

What do I do now

AgathaF Thu 20-Jun-13 14:01:07

I understand it must be hard, but try not to dwell on his opinions and toxic thoughts. It's what he is - toxic. He isn't going to suddenly change.

He has to invent blame and reasons for everything so that he doesn't have to take any responsibility for it himself.

Is there a CSA equivalent where you live? If so, let them deal with the maintenance aspect if you really feel there is no point pursuing it with him.

I would really give some thought to relocating when acrobat is here. You and your lovely family would be so much better off away from his venomous actions.

Finally, you don't have to do anything. Just delete his email and carry on as you were doing before you received it. Don't let that twat of a man ruin any more of your days.

wordyBird Thu 20-Jun-13 14:01:24

((Waves))
Deep breath... Let it pass through you, try to let the feelings be there and they'll go all the quicker.

Is this email via a solicitor or something similar? Because it sounds like a lot aggressive mouthing off, not much more? Hurtful and horrible though it is sad

BerylStreep Thu 20-Jun-13 16:27:52

Waves,
Is there any way you can set your e-mail so that ones from him go straight into a different folder? Could you have a friend read them on your behalf and give you the potted version so you don't need to read his bile?

Are you going to respond to him or ignore it?

There was a series today, I've replied and have now said no more, take me to court about the visitation as he called it. I'm trying not to remain upset and thankfully have an appointment with my psychotherapist (the one who wanted to discharge me because I'm not clinically ill at all from a MH perspective) in an hour.

I need to convince myself that of course he wont avknowledge what he's done. But he said my behaviour was utterly deplorable. It is confusing. And upsetting.

If he emails again I'll set up a folder as suggested. My head cannot deal with this at all. At least I can get on with budgetting now, knowing that I can rely on bugger all from him!

Phineyj Thu 20-Jun-13 16:41:48

Yes do make the email folder and just open it when you feel able to -- I used that for emails on a topic I found upsetting but needed to read & it worked a treat.

I think if you can manage without his money, at least that is one less thing for him to moan and gripe about.

You are a very brave and strong person.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 20-Jun-13 16:46:54

oh waves - he is a twunt and trying to reason with him will bring you no joy. You have to fight fire with fire, so to speak and it just isnt worth the hassle and energy at the moment.

Do think about relocating, think of reasons why and why not.

I wouldnt respond to any further ranting emails from him. Just ignore ignore and ignore. His 'tone' is designed to put you on the back foot - to make you question yourself and doubt whether it is all his fault. It is ALL his fault. He's an arse.

Disengage!

BerylStreep Thu 20-Jun-13 17:08:43

Waves, it's strange, but the language your twunt uses reminds me of my Dad, who I believe is a complete narc. Things like 'utterly deplorable'. WTAF?

I haven't seen my Dad for almost 6 years - he 'wanted a break from his family' - yet he opines how unreasonable I am in not contacting him. Apparently I was supposed to psychically know when the 'break' was over and extend an olive branch to him even though I have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Anyhow, I was discussing him with my sister yesterday, and I observed that he has a completely different script going on in his head from the reality that everyone else experiences. A script in which he is simultaneously the hero and the victim. He doesn't seem capable of empathising with anyone, or having an emotional connection with them, unless they are massaging his ego. Strangely, my Dad is also super charming and bon vivant when out and about. Just reminded me of your taunt a bit.

Don't let him get you down. Recognise that he has faulty wiring, and that you will never get anywhere with him. It's not your fault.

babadabadoo Thu 20-Jun-13 18:15:16

waves what you need to do is relocate away from the area, do you have strong ties? when your baby arrives your maternal instincts will kick into full swing and you wont want this idiot around your child. do all you can to put a HUGE distance between you so you can be happy and LIVE as you want

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 20-Jun-13 18:50:00

It is hot air and wind and remind me who was in touch with their ex befor and during your marriage and subsequently? Oh that's right, HIM. Deplorable sneaking a look at terminations because you fell pregnant faster than he expected and before he could start backing away. The stepsons were encouraged to act up. What about him making an effort with your DCs?

How could he ask so much when he gave so little?

themidwife Thu 20-Jun-13 19:03:22

Take him to court for maintenance & apply for costs. He can't wheedle out of that one no matter what!
I'm so sorry he's treating you like this!!!! angry

auntpetunia Thu 20-Jun-13 19:27:28

He's still a bastard! I've said it before and no doubt I'll say it again! He a sick twisted bastard.

Take no notice of him, you could almost have written his reply before it came …"its not my fault, its all waves, I'm so reasonable, she's awful …etcetera! "

You and we know the truth as does his ex wife and soon so will his current woman.

Let him fight for visitation, just get in there first through whatever means you have there, CSA court or whatever for a bloody huge chunk of money from his 50k for acrobat as well as ensuring your divorce settlement takes into account the equity you put into the current property.

Be strong lovely lady only a few more weeks to go. [Flowers]

auntpetunia Thu 20-Jun-13 19:28:17

flowers

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Thu 20-Jun-13 22:14:56

Remember Waves, the shittier the manure, the more beautiful the flower!!

When Acrobat arrives, I would like to send you some of my DTs baby clothes (DTD's too if you don't mind gender neutral? I didn't want 'pink and blue' So LOTS of yellow etc) They were small babes and we were inundated with lots of cute stuff, a lot of it hasn't been worn.

I'm sorry, I don't know what to say about your twunt of an ex. I'm confused as to whether he wants contact or not? Is he saying he'll take you to court for contact BUT he doesn't want to pay?

Even if he does take you to court on those grounds, surely maintenance can be brought up there?

I had such a crap nights sleep, super worried about twunt and that one particularly shitty email. If a flower is completely covered in manure it won't grow at all, they need at least a little sunshine sad

He doesn't want to pay maintenance as he can't afford it, despite weirdly the fact that we budgeted to go halves on my unpaid 8 weeks ML, and halves on the childcare when I return to work (about £1000 a month minimum). His rent on his new place is the same as he was paying on half the mortgage so it doesn't add up. And he won't apply to reduce the maintenance to his ex, despite the fact he is entitled to, so she gets £600 a month from him, doesn't work