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Husband left me after 30 years

(177 Posts)
sadkaren2 Wed 01-May-13 11:34:41

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

My husband has just left me. We have been together for over 30 years, married for 7.

He has been working in Edinburgh for 2 years (flies back every Friday) as he is a consultant. We live in Essex.

He rang me and told me he had met someone else, and was not coming home again. She is 35, has 2 kids, and he has been seeing her for a year.

He said he didn’t want to talk to me anymore at all – all communication must be via email.

He also said he hasn’t loved me for years – not even when we got married – he just “went along with it”. He says he loves me like a sister. He never sais anything was wrong. But he would ring me 3 times a day and tell me that he loved me. I had noticed he had been a bit distant, but thought that was due to tiredness. He was due to be coming home permanently at the end of May.

I have since found he has spent a fortune on his girlfriend, including paying a £9,500 tax bill for her, and over £1,000 on Valentines night.

I don’t work, and haven’t done for a number of years. We were having IVF, when I was discovered to have cancer. My last op was 18 months ago, and I am recovering well. Before that, I was the major earner in the relationship.

He is 49, and I am 48.

He has also taken for £100,000 worth of shared goods from the house, tho he says he will return them if “the settlement says so”. He left most of his personal stuff. He won’t discuss money or almost anything, and just seems to want to live a life in Scotland and forget about me.

I don’t know what to do, I am so lost. He was my best friend, and I am still so in love with him. I just miss him so much. I just spend all day crying. I just want to stop the pain.

karen

Finola1step Wed 01-May-13 11:44:26

hi Karen. Didn't want to read and run. There will be lots of people along to offer fantastic advice.

The most important thing now is for you to see a solicitor ASAP. From your post, he has planned this for some time. He will have had time to plan in his own head how he wants this to play out. You have had no such opportunity.

I can see that money is going to be quite a big issue here. Start looking for the financial ang legal documents for bank accounts, pensions, related to the house etc. Keep posting.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 11:51:15

Oh dear... what a complete shit you married! There are good ways to split and bad ways to split and he's gone for total cruelty. I'm so sorry, you must feel like you've been punched in the gut.

First things first, you need to get some RL emotional and practical support from friends and family. Have you told them what's happened yet? You need to be with people that love you and want the best for you.

A close second I'd suggest is getting legal and financial advice. If you don't feel up to it solo then this is where friends and family can help as well. He can't just waltz off with £100k's worth of goods (what is that a Ferrari or something?) and not want to talk about finances. Simply not on.

Good luck

Nellymay Wed 01-May-13 11:51:32

I'm so sorry, Karen, you must be feeling devastated. I agree with Finola see a solicitor asap. This isn't about you, you are not a bad or unpleasant person, don't even think it, Its about him. He sounds like hes being very selfish and unfeeling.

Nodney Wed 01-May-13 11:53:42

Hi Karen. So very sorry you're going through this. You must be totally bewildered. Be strong. Soon you'll move on from being sad and start getting angry with him. Thinking of you x

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 11:53:46

BTW... the 'hasn't loved you for years' thing is bullshit. A lot of them do this once they decide the grass is greener elsewhere. Rather than be honest and admit that they're doing this because they are supremely selfish, they try to turn the blame on the person they're leaving. Talk about kicking you when you're down.

Hope you stop crying soon and start to find some anger.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 01-May-13 11:58:11

Oh Karen, what a dreadful shock. Gather your RL support around you - friends, family -, do what finola says about the practical stuff - you'll do it in tears, but it needs to be done, as if he had suddenly died - the shock and grief are the same, with the added layer of hurt that he chose to do this. Remember that you need to break the long habit of caring about him - he will be trying to rewrite history to justify his actions to himself, hence the 'I never loved you' stuff. Look after yourself.

Sadgits Wed 01-May-13 12:00:20

I did not want to read and run either. What a wanker, and what a bitch if she knew he was married. Get legal advice asap and emotional support from loved ones. It never ceases to amaze me what lowlifes some men and women are.

ElizaDoLots Wed 01-May-13 12:50:20

I agree with Cogito - I don't believe the 'he hasn’t loved me for years – not even when we got married – he just “went along with it' - he sounds a spineless arse anyway, but even more so if he went along with something he didn't really want to for THIRTY years.

I think he did love you, but is way out of touch with his feelings, is having a mid-life crisis and didn't have the balls to do anything more original than sleep with the closest slightly younger woman in arm's reach who would have him.

I expect everything will hit him in a few months and you will have a feeble pathetic man at your doorstep begging to come home.

In the meantime, I don't have any practical advice other than keep posting here and I am really sorry you are going through this.

Orchidlady Wed 01-May-13 12:50:57

Oh dear karen what cruel horrible man, you most be in shock. Like others say all the "I never loved you" routine is all about his guilt. I hope you have family and friends in RL, Def need legal advice. What a self entitled cock to say he does not wish to talk to you and taking what 100K worht of stuff shock. You will get great support here keep posting big hugs to you.

MumnGran Wed 01-May-13 13:13:51

Get a SOLICITOR !!!

x x x

Allalonenow Wed 01-May-13 13:38:28

My heart goes out to you karen, I know how dreadful you are feeling, and how much pain you are in, as this happened to me last year.

His reluctance to talk to you, just at the time when you need answers to a thousand questions, is his way of trying to control a situation he has lost control of. That he has not had the courage to discuss anything with you face to face, after so long together is despicable and cowardly.

Cogito has wise words, and I would add, secure your finances as a major priority, ensure you have enough to cover living expences for the months ahead.

Take care of yourself, try to eat every day, even if you don't feel like eating. Keep posting, you will get the support here to give you the strength to overcome this.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 01-May-13 14:33:03

So sorry. What a cruel bastard - talk about kicking you while you are down by rewriting history. He is doing this to make you look as bad as possible as the alternative is to admit what a huge shit he is.

Practical things - you need to start work on detaching which will be very hard as you have just been landed with this bombshell whereas he has already moved on mentally and emotionally so it will take time for your heart and mind to catch up.

Get legal advice - this man is no longer your friend and you will need to make copies of statements, payslips, pensions etc.

Get real life support - tell close friends and family.

AgathaF Wed 01-May-13 17:26:50

I'm so sorry.

Talk to your friends and relatives - you need some support from them now.

Get a solicitor's appointment sorted asap. He sounds like he is out to shaft you financially. Have a look through the house for whatever useful documents you may have - statements, pensions, shares, mortgage documents, his and your wage slips etc. Has he taken any of these with him, or are they still with you.

He is hiding from you behind emails, with his refusal to talk. What an utter shit.

akaWisey Wed 01-May-13 18:56:32

I can only agree with the other posters karen because they said the same to me 2 years ago.

You need to get on the same page as him as soon as possible wrt the finances and how you stand legally. Make an appointment to see a sol asap and take a friend who can be there afterwards to support and remind you of what has been said (you are likely to be in shock for a few days).

So, he only wants to communicate by cowardice emails? Fine. I'd cut contact until you have come through the worst of these early days and have something to say to him about how YOU see this panning out.

This is the worst part. Make use of all the support that's available - here and in RL. Don't think that people will get fed up, they won't, they'll be pleased to feel helpful.

And that awful, painful emptiness in your chest that feels like there's an icy wind blowing through it? I promise it doesn't last. smile

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Wed 01-May-13 19:11:49

Oh Karen you poor thing sad

What he has done is truly heartless. It still amazes me what some people will do to others.

He is a bastard, and although you won't be able to see it right now, you are better off without him. You deserve someone who really loves you and wants to be with you, not some shit head coward who doesn't have the guts to even call you.

I hope you can stay strong through this, remember that you are worth so much more, and MN is always here when you need us smile

Do you have children? If so, how and when does he intend to see them or (presuming they are old enough) has he told them?

What goods did he take? If anything is specifically 'yours' then you can log his theft with your local police.

Your OP is very brief so it's hard to know what the situation is - 100k worth of 'goods' is a lot; did he put things in a van? take them while you were out of the house? Is it money taken from joint accounts?

If you have any savings left in joint accounts then freeze the accounts - phone the banks and say there is a 'marital dispute' and you wish the accounts to be frozen. Try to ensure you have some money in a sole account to live on.

Sending you strength.

akaWisey Wed 01-May-13 19:31:01

Oh yes, I forgot that. Phone all the banks, mortgage company, utilities, etc (or get a friend to) and give them the date he left.

FarBetterNow Wed 01-May-13 19:53:04

Get a good solicitor.
He is a shit.
He loved you when you were the main bread winner.
He loved you when live was good.
He stopped loving you when life became difficult with your cancer.
You must stand up for yourself.
Do not let him walk all over you and take advantage.

My XH started a new life with a younger woman after 30 years of marriage. She is welcome to him - he was a shit too.

Soon your life WILL be better without him.

SoleSource Wed 01-May-13 19:57:08

Keep typing how you feel hete Karen.

You are not alone in your expeience, hete.

Trust us to czre, help, listen.

He done you a favour. He doesn't deserve your love x

StickEmUpPunk Wed 01-May-13 20:00:06

Hi Karen

Sorry to hear this sad
I've not had this myself so migth be silly to respond but it was the cancer that jumped out at me

You beat that, you have an amazing amount of strength on that basis.
You WILL get through this.

Keep posting. (())

Lizzabadger Wed 01-May-13 20:05:56

What a shit. I'm so sorry. I hope you have supportive friends you can talk to.

ShootingStarsss Wed 01-May-13 20:08:24

So sorry Karen, what an utter arse your husband has/is being hmm

Some great advice on here for you.

tempnameswap Wed 01-May-13 20:09:51

I'm not surprised you are sad - you are coping with an unbearable situation.

I have no specific advice I'm afraid except to reiterate the solicitor advice and to say that he sounds entirely unworthy of you. Things will get better even if it doesn't seem possible now.

Squitten Wed 01-May-13 20:12:28

Oh Karen! Your husband is a first prize twat of the highest order.

What a cowardly scumbag he is - he makes his new life off on his own, dumps the news on you and then refuses to deal with you anymore rather than deal with the repurcussions of his behaviour. Utter pig!

Get yourself to a solicitor pronto my dear.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Wed 01-May-13 20:26:33

Hi Karen, so sorry sweetheart sad

You've been given great advice up thread. You will get through this, it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but you will. Do you have a friend you could call and talk to? x

bunsmum Wed 01-May-13 20:27:13

Karen I am so sorry this has happened. It is going to be a very hard thing to do but you need to condition your mind as quickly as possible out of feeling like you and he are a "pair" or that he is your friend. He will only have contact with you via email? Well, you go one step further. You will only have contact with him via your solicitor.

And believe me, if you go silent now and refuse to interact with him completely, his conscience, his guilt, his niggling doubts whether he has done the right thing (believe me, they'll be there somewhere) will start to get the better of him and he'll be in contact again before you know it.

He has seized the power very suddenly and unpredictably. You must seize it back in an even greater way.

The way to cope with this is to designate several hours of every day to allowing yourself to feel sad about it - talking to people, crying, experiencing all the difficult and uncomfortable emotions of isolation and loneliness to start the process of grieving. But if you can muster 1 hour - just 1 hour a day of fighting this battle, you will be so pleased you did in a few months or years time.

piratecat Wed 01-May-13 20:32:33

he's rewriting history to make it all sound easier or be easier for his own conscience op.

I'm so sorry he has done this to you in such a cowardly spineless way. Mine did the same.

It's devastating, and you are not walking this alone.

Do you have children? xx

sadkaren2 Wed 01-May-13 20:36:32

Thanks very much for all the advice and support, it has really helped.

Yes, his mistress knew he was married.

We don’t have any children.

We collected rare books and games, which is what he took. Also some paintings. He only took shared stuff, plus a very few items of clothing. His personal stuff he left behind.

He had been planning it for about 3 months, I think. We were having a new bathroom fitted, and he suggested he move a lot of the books down to a storage unit we have while the work was being done.

I think a friend of his used a van to clear out the storage unit on the Tuesday. He always rang me 3 times every day – and he didn’t mention anything was wrong until the Wednesday night.

He had left me 2 days previously, but didn’t bother to tell me.

I do have a small income, and because of this he says he will not give me any money from his salary. He is offering £150 a month towards household expenses, but the running costs are nearer £700 per month, which I cannot afford.

I have told friends and family.

I did take an overdose a couple of days after the told me, but I think I am holding it together a bit now.

But the pain isn’t going away at all. I still love him, even after all he has done. How stupid am I?

Before I see a solicitor – I know the divorce and the financial settlement are different things – can I get one without the other? And how long would a financial settlement take? Can anyone explain please?

Thanks,
Karen

"the 'hasn't loved you for years' thing is bullshit. A lot of them do this once they decide the grass is greener elsewhere. Rather than be honest and admit that they're doing this because they are supremely selfish, they try to turn the blame on the person they're leaving."

Yep, agree with this. Same happened to me - I was told he 'hadn't been happy for some time'.

All an excuse to deflect the blame from THEIR actions. It's horrible when it's happening to you, but it's all very predictable behaviour I'm afraid.

You've had some brilliant advice on here. I hope you're ok, keep posting and look after yourself. thanks Your H sounds like a complete shit.

AnyFucker Wed 01-May-13 20:41:51

I am so sorry, karen

You will find your husband's behaviour here and perhaps a tiny bit of comfort and validation that you should not blame yourself

Get legal advice now, and make sure you are ok legally and financially x

I just saw your last post, I'm so sorry. My H also hired a van to clear out our house one day when I was at work and never said a thing to my face about what he was doing.

You're understandably in shock. Reach out to as many RL friends and family as you can, you shouldn't be alone now. I'm so sorry, but you are seriously much better off without this man in your life.

akaWisey Wed 01-May-13 20:54:47

Yes you can get one without the other. I got the nisi over a year before the absolute because the financial settlement took so long (interestingly because my ex's proposals would've left me shafted and he fought all the way).

That's why you should act quickly and I agree with the poster who suggested you only communicate through your sol from now on. He can't dictate what he'll give you. You have a longstanding relationship and it matters not a jot that you didn't marry until 7 years ago. Make sure your sol is well experienced in family law. They'll push you to mediation but make sure you reserve the right to choose the mediator. Ask your sol if they know of any lawyer-mediators they can recommend to you. That way you get a mediator who KNOWS family law too.

Allalonenow Wed 01-May-13 21:46:38

I am so very sorry that you tried to OD, but can understand why, and I very much hope that you will get the support you need to help you through this difficult time.

If you have a catalogue of the books games and paintings he stole from your home so much the better, if not, start compiling one immediately, if you have a tame bookseller/dealer, enlist their help now, gather records of purchases values etc, as this will all help ensure you get your fair share of the joint assets. Items such as this can increase in value exponentially, which is why he has stolen them. He has been planning this for many months, and is out to financially shaft you totally, my bet is that he suggested the bathroom work!

If you have a personal bank account move as much as you can into it ASAP, and freeze joint accounts. Give him no quarter, because he will show you no mercy, as his actions have already shown you.

Take care karen, eat, rest and stay strong.

Mother2many Wed 01-May-13 21:55:06

Oh...first of all, hugs to you. Yes, freeze joint accounts, go see a solicitor, do not turn a blind eye to him because you still love him... protect yourself.

I would even suggest if you have a close friend, have them go with you to any meetings if possible. (lawyer, esp) They may help you by keeping you calmer, and your wits about you to deal with this.

Sounds like he is out to financially protect himself. Don't let that happen. Don't let that money go to his mistress/kids.

You will always love him to some degree. Now's the time to think with your head, not your heart.

hugs...

skyebluesapphire Wed 01-May-13 23:37:19

Some very wise words have been posted here for you Karen. I have been through similar, XH walked out with no warning after ten years together, six married, 4yo dd. I got the same speech as you, I haven't loved you for some time, I don't feel the same any more, blah blah blah.

He left at Easter and I divorced him in the November. The remortgage was sorted in Feb of this year.

I have read the book about Wife Abandonment that AF has linked too and it is amazing what these men do. My XH was infatuated with OW. She's 32, he's 49.

These men are sad old cliched mid life crisis freaks.

Dies anyone have the link for the MLC script?

Karen, it will take you time to work through it all. Don't let him drag you down. I ended up on anti depressants and counselling, which has helped. I sat and cried every day. Twelve months on I still cry but not as much not as often and without that awful panic.

Do positive things, see a solicitor, contact council tax etc.

Google "the leaver and the left" too. It explains a lot about why they are in a different place to you and just can't understand what you are going through.

Remember above all that you are a survivor, that you are strong and that you are worth a hundred of him.

If you need anyone to talk to anytime please feel free to PM me.

skyebluesapphire Wed 01-May-13 23:39:33

All assets will have to be listed when you sort out a settlement so if he has taken those things then he should get less out if the house etc.
If you have joint savings then remove your share into an account in your own name.

skyebluesapphire Wed 01-May-13 23:46:33
SabrinaMulhollandJjones Wed 01-May-13 23:49:51

Hi Karen, I am supporting two good friends going through this at the moment. Get a personal recommendation for a good divorce solicitor if you possibly can. All divorce solicitors are not the same.

wonderingagain Thu 02-May-13 00:42:57

Solicitor now.
Freeze bank accounts now.
He's thinking with his dick and his new girlfriend is enjoying spending your money.

Orchidlady Thu 02-May-13 11:46:30

Maybe barking up the wrong tree but if he has taken stuff out of the house it could be considered theft and so could be reported to the police. Just thinking mean for karen hope you are ok today? getting lots of support from friends and family

sadkaren2 Thu 02-May-13 18:30:14

Hi,

Thanks again for all the advice.

I have talked to a solicitor and got myself going a bit.
Apparently, as the stuff is half his, he is allowed to move it where he wishes.

There is still a big ache where my heart should be though. I didn’t think heartbreak was real, but it is.

I have found his OW on facebook. The urge to send her a message saying exactly what I think of her is really strong, but I am afraid he will retaliate.

Karen

No, try and hold it together and don't message ow. It won't help you and will pray on your mind later. Big hugs karen, he's just another selfish sad old man and one day you will be able to look back and see just how lucky you are to be shot of him.

MadBusLady Thu 02-May-13 18:44:54

What a nasty, grasping man. Sounds like he's got a shock coming with the settlement though.

Have you frozen any remaining joint accounts or transferred all the money out of them into private accounts?

Did you feel the solicitor was on your side? What else did he/she say?

The OW is irrelevant - and very likely an amoral cowbag since she's done this. Don't give her the satisfaction of showing her your pain.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 02-May-13 18:46:53

Be the dignified wife - you really do not want to look like the mad deranged wife who is making her poor husband's life a misery, justifying his seedy and sordid affair.

AgathaF Thu 02-May-13 19:13:12

Don't contact her, she's not worth it.

Has your storage placed been completely emptied by him? If not, is it worth changing the lock?

Glad you've got the ball rolling with a solicitor. Did you feel comfortable with the one you saw? Remember, he is working for you, to help you to achieve the best possible outcome for you, so if you weren't sure about him, you are quite entitled to see another/shop around. Make use of the free half hour for this.

BobblyGussets Thu 02-May-13 19:21:16

Karen, were you treated for the OD? I hope you got checked out, because, as I am sure you know, paracetamol (if that is what you took) is very dangerous if you took more than you should.

Take care of your self, so sorry you are going through this.

sadkaren2 Thu 02-May-13 19:22:33

Hi,

I am wondering if he has told her the truth about my cancer, or about our relationship.

I want to go up to Edinburgh to talk to him, and see her, but he is refusing to meet me.

I think he has lied to her as well.

Karen

captainmummy Thu 02-May-13 19:38:57

Karen -my father did this to my mum, she was in her 50s, never worked; he went abroad for his work and met a girl half his age. On the day he was supposed to come back for good, mum had cleaned and polished and shopped and cooked and ....got a letter from the bastard, saying he wasnt coming home,never loved her, etc etc....
SHe attempted suicide toosad and was so desperate for him to come home that she didn't get proper legal advice. She hoped that by just agreeing to everything he said,he would see what a wonderful woman she was (and she is!)and would come home. She would have signed away the house, pension, everything if I hadn't intervened. I havent spoken to him since then, he is a selfish b* and so is your H.

Get proper advice. He cannot just take everything from you. Get angry.

captainmummy Thu 02-May-13 19:40:11

And to be honest, she probably wouldn't care if you've had cancer. He doesn't, so why would she.

AgathaF Thu 02-May-13 20:08:38

They won't be thinking about you Karen. They are wrapped up in their own selfish selves. That's why you need to protect yourself as much as possible, financial with good legal advice and representation, and emotionally too. Try not to torture yourself wondering about what he has said, what she knows, what she's like. It won't change anything.

Have you got support around you - family, friends?

fengirl1 Thu 02-May-13 20:14:03

'Get angry' - this. You don't deserve this, you didn't want this. Don't chase him. If he doesn't want you, why would you want him? That sounds harsh I know, but you deserve better. Get a decent solicitor, get on with the divorce and watch him squirm for a while, them move on with your life and do things that please YOU.

MadBusLady Thu 02-May-13 20:16:01

Yup, I think he has probably told her every lie under the sun.

But that doesn't really matter, does it. They've convinced themselves that it makes sense to do something horrible to you. They're not going to wake up tomorrow, or any day, and realize "Oh, we've been a complete pair of bastards, we'd better undo all our decisions." They are committed to this course, they'll keep persuading themselves that they are right, and they will definitely seize on any evidence at all that you're a "crazy ex".

You can't put this back to how it was by talking to him, or make the scales fall from her eyes by talking to her. The best thing you can do for your own health is to stay away from them and start firing off solicitors' letters.

akaWisey Thu 02-May-13 20:53:26

I agree with the other's Karen. Please don't try and talk to him except through solicitors. He's planned this and you should deal with him via the legal process for your own sanity, because you aren't dealing with the man you thought you knew. The sooner he realises you aren't a woman who will just lay down and act like a doormat the better.

I can recommend the Abandoned Wife book as soon as you feel ready to read it. In the meantime MN will help. It helped me deal with almost exactly the same scenario. And I'm not only still here, I'm thriving and I'd be glad to be among those who want to support you even as we might not say what you want to hear. RL friends and family are so important too and you should be talking about this. I hope you have these aplenty because they are invaluable too.

Karen, please believe me this is a process which you will come through.

Karen, agree that silence is the best way forward.

I was told this countless times on MN last year, and when I finally adopted that approach it helped me regain some power over things again. It stopped him messing with my head.

Men like this hate it when they don't know what you're thinking or what you're planning - really hate it. It is all about control with them, and you need to take some of that away from him.

I also know how tempting it is to want to contact the OW. But do not give them the satisfaction of showing them how angry or upset you are. They are not worth it.

skyebluesapphire Thu 02-May-13 21:21:42

yes, keep the moral high ground and do not contact her. As said above, you are no longer dealing with a person that you know. My Xh changed everything when he left me, appearance, clothing, lifestyle, personality..... You can not relate to him in the way you used to as he is no longer that man....

It takes a very "special" sort of bastard to just walk out with no prior warning. This is because they cannot stand the fallout, they are cowards who will walk away rather than deal with anything.

My ex has left me with huge issues due to the way he walked out so suddenly and all the things he said were reasons why he had to go. I won't let him destroy me, but it is not easy!

You need to stay strong, and look after yourself and get yourself the best legal advice that you can, so that you know what you are dealing with. File for divorce on the grounds of adultery and ask for him to pay your costs. He has admitted it.

BananaSoup Thu 02-May-13 21:38:04

Sorry to hear about your suicide attempt - but pleased it was unsuccessful smile

The way a relationship finishes is so important, and he has chosen to take the coward's way out. He could have told you ages ago that he wanted to move on, and kept in amicable, but he is too spineless.

You sound strong though, and things can only get better. Take care.

MoreLegsThanMe Thu 02-May-13 21:45:13

Keep talking to us Karen.

I was a prolific poster under a different name on this board in 2008 when my H left after twenty-five years.

You sound so like me.

You will get through this. You will. People told me the same and I thought they were insane. But I'm still here.

You will get through x

cjel Thu 02-May-13 21:52:54

Hello Karen, I've had to leave my H of 35 years after he got OW. The pain feels overwhelming doesn't it. Sometimes I think I am the only person I know who still loves him, I was advised he was orrid had trated me badly etc etc but I love the bones of him. Ihave been blessed with 2 dcs and 5 dgcs so am not in the same situation as you. However I would get legal advice straight away and even ring WA, they will help you reconcile what you had with what you thought you had.
I have told everyone I know to be kind to him and not give her any satisfaction of seeing us in a bad light.
My stock phrase is quiet dignity. It covers the way I am dealing with them. Detatch from having to have contact with him and take solicitors advice. Don't waste any more of your life thinking about 'her' or what she is able to give him that you couldn't have together. Use all your energy to take care of Karen - she is worth it,make her happy again.xxx

Allalonenow Thu 02-May-13 21:56:47

How ever temped you are Karen, to contact OW by Facebook etc, you will only give them both a route to hurt you more, you will become the mad wife he is running to her to escape from. Your silence will help you to protect yourself.

Whatever you think of her, she has no feelings of loyalty or care or responsibility towards you, she has not broken any vows made with you. It is your husband who has done that.

You have said how you still love him, I think you are trying to protect your image of him as a loving husband by directing your anger at OW. Instead, direct that anger at the man who betrayed you.

If you feel you must vent your anger at OW, hand write a letter to her filled with all your pain, do not post it, but keep it by you till you are strong enough to destroy it, she will have lost all her power to hurt you then.

Take care, keep strong, keep posting.

Leavenheath Thu 02-May-13 22:15:20

What a rotten way to leave a marriage OP. So very sorry for you.

I should think it's tommyrot that he was unhappy for years. It's the classic thing these people say when they can't face the truth about themselves. That they just couldn't resist a tawdry affair. If this has been going on for a year and he was unhappy when he met her, what stopped him leaving straight away? Or come to think of it, when he first realised he was unhappy? That's just so much crap. You know what he was like before he started working away - don't let him rewrite your past.

How he's managed to convince an OW of a story with that many holes in it is anyone's guess. She must be a bit stupid to think that a man without kids needed to stay with his wife for a year before leaving.

Sure he might have lied to her - but so what? Does that excuse her getting involved with a married man? Since when did it become acceptable to shag a married bloke just because he lies that says he's always been unhappy? confused

Truth is, she'll never be entirely able to square dumping you so brutally and cowardly with any image of a decent partner. Deep down she knows that if he could do it to you, he could do it to her.

Sod dignity where he's concerned. Tell him as calmly as you can that he is a spineless shit who you've got nothing but contempt for. But use that anger well and get what you're entitled to.

sadkaren2 Thu 02-May-13 22:35:55

A small voice at the back of my brain says they were hoping I would die so they could get everything.

But I am not going to.

Leavenheath Thu 02-May-13 22:40:13

Some people are capable of extraordinary evil but if that's true it's no reflection on you.

If it's true and that was their plot, they'd better watch their backs and worry if one takes out life insurance on the other eh?

Their evil is not your problem.

drfayray Fri 03-May-13 04:02:22

Karen, I am so sorry. I understand because my Ex left me after 24 years of marriage. I understand your pain. He is a bastard. Please don't think he was your best friend, because he is not. If anything he is your enemy.

You need to do what others have posted: solicitor ASAP. Freeze accounts. Tell people who will help you. Go see your doctor.

And please, your life is more precious than some bastard. I wanted to kill myself when Ex said he no longer wanted to be married to me; that he had found his happiness; that I was ugly, had no self-esteem and who would want me? In fact I started cutting myself until I looked down at the blood flowing from my arm and thought what the fuck am I doing here? Hurting myself because of a man?! Went straight to my doctor. Told my family, told my friends. Saw a solicitor.

That was in about July 2011. I came here and received support and care. So much kindness.

Now I am divorced; got the papers on the 21st, I am living a good, happy life filled with friends and my children are settled and doing well.

You need to be strong and brave. I know you will be. We are all here supporting you. Please keep posting and remember many of us understand and know of what you are speaking and feeling.

There is light at the end of the tunnel....you will get through this and find a better, happier life because you deserve it Karen.

CheerfulYank Fri 03-May-13 05:29:36

Oh, honey. What a shit he is. sad

I have no advice but can offer virtual hand holding.

BananaSoup Fri 03-May-13 08:12:25

How are you this morning Karen?

wonderingagain Fri 03-May-13 09:17:45

I'm quite lost for words on this one. I don't think I've heard of a man being quite such a twunt after so many years together.

cjel Fri 03-May-13 10:20:57

I hope you live a long and happy life without him.x

akaWisey Fri 03-May-13 10:28:15

Karen your last post took my breath away.

I think that for some time, and definitely right now, your H and OW aren't and cannot be thinking about you. I doubt very much they can afford to actually. They'll be far too busy cementing a relationship built on lies. That's their problem.

Secondly, I really think you need to see your GP if you haven't already. The stark fact is that this is only just beginning and you must gather every single resource around you that you can, so bolster some resilience against the thoughts you're having (and also against the real possibility that he may come crawling back if it all goes tits up with OW).

Keep posting.

whenwillthisbedone Fri 03-May-13 13:51:28

Im new to this but joined today as Im going through something similar!

My partner of 11 years left in Jan, in Feb I found out he was seeing my daughters best friends mum. I have to face this women every day at the school gates she looks at me like the cat that got the cream! He says he didnt love me for years and has told this to everyone and she has shared intimate details of my life with mums at the gate! yet he was happy to be with me while I was main earner and he worked 30 hours a week.

It breaks my heart that he just doesnt care about me at all and our daughter has to hear her friend say your daddy bought me this and your dadddy did that etc

This is the most painful thing I have ever gone through but I do believe with all my heart that we will both come through this and be happier people! chin up sadkaren2!

Karen, you are going to get through this and come out so much stronger and happier than you have been in years. Men who are having an affair treat their wives with soul destroying emotional coldness and disdain whilst it is going on. They undermine your self confidence, make you feel like a failure, like everything tiny thing, every slight argument is your fault. I went through it, and my DH made me feel worthless, a failure, a nag, a misery, someone who just couldn't be happy. That was utter rubbish, before I met him I was a highly successful business woman with a lot of self confidence, who was really happy. The hollow shell I turned into was down to him, it was not who I was.

The day I stood up to him, and realised I was better off without him my old personality came back, and I felt like the weight of the world had lifted off my shoulders. It felt great. You will feel that way too. It will take a bit of time, but you WILL get there, and all the ladies on here who have been through it too will hold your hand the whole way.

Talk to your friends in RL. I was overwhelmed by the help and support I had from people I didn't realise cared. Go out for coffee, have fun, forget about him, be yourself with your friends.

captainmummy Fri 03-May-13 15:36:14

whenwillthisbedone - How awful for you, and your dd.
She thinks she got the cream? SHe got a complete shit who only thinks of himself.. It probably won't be long before she and her daughter experieince the same.

Hope you are coming throught it ok.

Karen - please keep posting. I know it is hard to hear us vilifying your 'D'H, and being so forceful on your behalf, but honestly, it helps. You should get angry. You have been shat on, by someone you thought was on your side.

SoleSource Fri 03-May-13 16:13:11

Karen just type it all out, there isn't a thibg you can type we won't be on your side about x

Plomino Fri 03-May-13 16:32:07

Oh Karen . Your last post brought a tear to my eye . That last sentence of yours ? 'I am not going to ' . That , is your inner strength talking . You DO have it , even though it seems hopeless right now . Draw on that little bit of strength , and you'll find that you 'll find a little bit more .

You know , I lurk on this board really . I consider myself to be very fortunate, and simply am lost for words at the awfulness of others to their partners , both male and female . But you know what ? Over and over and over , I come back and marvel at the difference in posters after some time has gone by . Their world might be altered , but it's not broken , or crumbled , and nor are they . Yes they might have had some really tough times , but they overwhelmingly do come out the other side happier . You can do this . You can get through this .

FreckledLeopard Fri 03-May-13 16:36:36

Oh god, what a total asshole. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have friends and family that you can stay with, or who can stay with you?

mrsmciver Fri 03-May-13 17:49:58

Karen i can totally sympathise with you. I have been married for 27 years and known my husband since I was 15 years old. I trusted him implicitly. I found some e- mails in his phone 3 weeks ago and it all came out that he liked this ow. He swears nothing physical happened. He spent all weekend crying about how he was going to make it better and how he was so sorry that he had hurt me. went on a business trip on the Mon. Phones me that night and says it is over. He said he must have been very unhappy for him to do that in the first place as it was totally out of character.
I was devastated, begged him to come back,but he won't. I feel like my life is over. I don't know anything different. Like you I tried to kill myself. But my eldest daughter,who is pregnant refused to sign the forms to get me committed. i was assessed by doctors and they said it was the shock,grief and trauma. My youngest daughter is also about to sit her Higher exams. My poor children, what I have put them through.
I have to stay strong for them but the grief is unbearable. I do have a good support network but due to illness I cannot work and every day since I feel I have no purpose to my life.
I felt I could not see that and run Karen. over the miles I am thinking of you too. We really should get mad and then get even!

mrsmciver Fri 03-May-13 18:07:37

Also 4 days after telling me it was over, he was wanting to settle financial affairs. I could not do it, was too much of a mess. Since then I have held him at arms length, it is my way of coping. i can't see him or talk to him, it hurts too much. I have told him if he wants to say anything then write it down and I will look it over.
But dear god it is so difficult when your heart is breaking and the pain takes your breath away.
I have seen a solicitor but really everything is split 50/50. that is no good to me as I would be left with no monthly income. I am really going to have to fight him for that. I am so scared and worried. According to the benefit system I would be entitled to £750 a month. He has a very good job, but he will want all the savings so he can buy a house outright.
He will, I think,leave me the house, but I couldn't maintain it on that kind of money as it needs a lot done to it even at this present time. It is only a little old house so anything newer and even smaller to buy will cost more. So so worried, cannot see a future.

Mrsmiver, I'm no legal expert and I guess you are in scotland so the law may be different, but surely you are entitled to half the assets, so he can't just fob you off with the house. If need be you can sell it, take half the proceeds and half the savings and buy something smaller. Plus the courts should assess some kind of spouse maintenance. Make sure your lawyer is a good one and you claim all you are entitled to.

mrsmciver Fri 03-May-13 18:35:25

Thank you worsester. I saw a legal aid lawyer, but she did not give me a lot of confidence. Spouse maintenance is only maintainable for 2 years at the most, and only if he agrees in the first place. It is not compulsory. You are right it is scottish law. Also could not buy anything smaller, it is a tiny house in the first place, and need bedrooms for children and coming grandchild.
Feel between a rock and a hard place. He knows my situation, but he is focusing on himself now and saying he has got to be selfish and true to himself. Did I know this man at all?

sarine1 Fri 03-May-13 19:13:36

Good grief - you are all on this most difficult of journeys away from these awful men! I have lurked on here for months but OP (and the rest of you), I am so moved by your stories and the courage that you're showing in the face of such despicable behaviour!
There's such a lot of wise support on here - I hope it's a help? There is a life for women without partners - not what we expected but it can be brilliant.

3mum Fri 03-May-13 19:24:03

sadkaren I have been where you are. My partner of thirty years (married twenty-two) told me that he was properly in love for the first time with a colleague and he did not feel about me as anything except a friend. Fast forward six months, the great love has not lasted and he is with someone even more screwed up than the first one.

But even six months makes a huge difference to how you feel. I adored him and had been with him the whole of my adult life. Initially I was devastated. I can look at him now and think "what a sad twat". Frightened of growing old, attention seeking and putting himself before everything including our children.

Sometimes I miss him a lot, but what I miss is the man I thought he was, not who he actually is. Generally, I am calm, happy and starting to discover who I am (which is very different from who he told me I was).

Hang on in there. It is truly crap now, but I promise it is not always that way and even a few months will make a huge difference to how you feel. And I can absolutely promise you that no man is worth killing yourself over. Be kind to yourself, tell all your friends to invite you out as much as possible and go to everything. Keep as busy as possible, volunteer with a charity too if you have the time and in a shorter time than you thought possible, you will find the pain is ebbing and you have a tight bunch of friends who will ALWAYS be there for you AND a whole new appreciation for yourself as a valuable person in your own right with decent moral standards.

mrsmciver Fri 03-May-13 19:43:15

Oh I hope that is the case 3mum. Don't mean to hijack this thread, but I can understand where sadkaren is right now, and it is not a good place. I am so devastated, doctor I saw said it was worse than bereavement as there is no "ending". I knew there was something the matter with him as he had been "off" and very distant for a few weeks before and treated me badly, calling me names, being snappy, putting me down.

But I miss him still so much. I have never gone this long not talking to him and it is killing me. I want to hold him, smell him, make love to him. Even after what he has done.

My trust in him though is gone. And he knows that. Maybe that is why he is not coming back. He said I would make his life hell because I would constantly want to check his phone and laptop. And everytime he went away on business I would be a mess. But he did not want to even try and that is so hurtful, not even counselling. After all these years. He said he doesn't have the energy and needs to heal.

SoleSource Fri 03-May-13 19:48:03

mrsmelver it's really cruel, keep posting x

cjel Fri 03-May-13 19:54:59

Mrs. and Karen. Iam 18 months down the line (35yrs together since 15) Today is a sad day as its his birthday. I still miss him. but although today is a 'bad' day I have gardened in MY little garden, been for lunch, met a friend later for coffee and now am going to see another friend. I have laughed, been at peace and loved myself when I am on a down day. I think you will be suprised at how much you get because future earnings is taken into account and I hear quite a lot that what they 'offer'at the start is a rubbish amount so I'd advise both of you to get a really good family lawyer and start to move towards a life full of people who do love and want youxxx

mrsmciver Fri 03-May-13 20:37:45

Cjel, thank you for some hope. Things seem so bleak right now. I am terrified of the future, all the plans to travel we had made when he retired. We were even going to be buried together. I am only in my forties but just can't imagine the future without him.

But the contentment in your post has given me a little hope. am so pleased you have come through the worst and are now living a life you are happy to live. x

cjel Fri 03-May-13 23:34:17

Mrs. Yes I am content thats a good word for it. I've just spent a lovely evening having coffee and chatting with a friend and while i was there 2 more people popped in that I have never met before. Wouldn't have happened if I was still married.I would have stayed in while he went out with the lads on Friday nights. I'm glad I can give you hope. As I say I still have regret for the future I thought we had planned as well but only in the same way that I regret I am not 20, size eight and rich!!smile

Grinkly Fri 03-May-13 23:54:28

MrsM you must be entitled to a part of his 27 years of contribution to a pension. So at least in the future this might help you, I would def make sure I held out for that rather than take a pay off now.

skyebluesapphire Sat 04-May-13 00:52:08

mrsmciver I totally get where you are coming from and I am 12 months on now. I am a hell of a lot better than I was, but at the same time, it is very difficult to move on. It is grief, the man that I knew died the day that he walked out and has been replaced with a man that I no longer recognise. I want back the man that he was before, but I don't want back the man he is now. But that doesn't stop you from wanting that hug, or wanting to talk to them.

I keep XH at arms length too as it is the only way that I can deal with my feelings for him, which vary between love, hatred, pity and disgust.

Any man that can just walk out on a partner with no real discussion or warning is a total and utter coward.

karen hope you are doing OK.

sadkaren2 Sat 04-May-13 12:36:29

Thanks everyone for the support.

Yesterday was a “bed” day – I just couldn’t do anything.

I miss him so much. I want to hug him, and talk to him.
I still keep making notes in my head “oh, I must remember to tell him that”.
I can’t believe that I will never see the man I love again.

I have made an appointment with my GP next week.

I am also shocked and saddened by how many other people are & have been suffering too, at the hands of unfaithful husbands.

Karen

cjel Sat 04-May-13 13:00:31

hope today is a better one. that longing for hug is miserable isnt it. are you able to do something today? get some sun on your face or something to tire yourself out? sending you <<Hugs>>

captainmummy Sun 05-May-13 08:20:37

MrsMc and cjel and sadkaren- really, I am gobsmacked by these men. They are not the men you thought they were. They are not worth your love, the way they have treaated you.
They checked out of the marriage a long time ago - before you had any inkling. And once they do that, they are, in their heads, free to move on. You have had it hit you like a train, but you will get there. Take care of yourselves, and protect yourselves against them.

I really must emphasise though that you get your full financial entitlement. Not sure about scotland but Spousal Maintenanice is not jsut for 2 years - when I split from exh I got a percentage of his salary as spousal maintenance - until he retires, then a further percent for child maintenance, 50% of the value of the marital home, and 50% pf his pension. He was in a good job, and can afford it, TG, and I have my own little house and the kids now. Get a good solicitor.

akaWisey Sun 05-May-13 10:37:24

These early days are an adjustment to the new reality. Your mind hasn't yet taken in what is happening but it will and, mercifully, only as you are able to deal with it. The poverty of words in your posts say to me that you are barely able to take all this in. But you will, bit by bit.

It sort of feels like being in a an immense storm IME. That's why in those moments you describe where you want to do what you'd have habitually done in times of crisis it's good to call on other people who can get alongside you until it passes and you can get on with the practical stuff.

I am really, really sorry this has happened.

skyebluesapphire Sun 05-May-13 12:36:51

I remember shaking for days. I wasn't eating, I was crying all the time and just had uncontrollable fits of shaking, my entire body. It was awful. I existed for weeks on a banana and half a sandwich a day, with gallons of water and a multi vitamin. I lost three stone in a matter of weeks.

It is like being hit by a truck because it is so out of the blue. One minute you are sat discussing an appointment, one that has been arranged for 6 weeks, but your H now no longer wants to go to because he wants to go to football with his friends (OW), then the next minute your H announces that he is unhappy and just doesn't feel the same any more and wants to leave. This is just after you have sent out your 40th birthday party invitations, and arranged your DD's 4th birthday party and upgraded your family holiday accommodation as a surprise for him. (all sad but true...)

You think that life is normal, you have no idea of the bombshell that is about to hit, and you have no idea at all , how long they have been planning this, so to them it is all sorted and they don't expect to have to deal with your grief or pain. You are just an annoyance to them.

It WILL get better. I still have dark days, but on the whole I know that I am getting there. I won't kid you, there will be some difficult days to get through , but stay strong, get help and support from family and friends. Keep posting on here and you will get great support. Most of all, don't let this man fuck with you any more. Get legal advice and make sure that you get everything that you are entitled to.

sadkaren2 Sun 05-May-13 17:42:40

I just looked on the OWs facebook page, and her status has been updated to "in a domestic relationship".

I hate her. I just want to die.

skyebluesapphire Sun 05-May-13 17:53:26

((hugs)) for you. dont look at facebok, please dont. I was told the same and ignored it, so am telling you because I know! I felt like it was keeping me updated with what was going on, but in reality, it just upset me to see XH moving on with his life without me.

Block OW so that you cannot see her page.

You can and will get through this. I promise you. I felt like I wanted to die. The only thing that kept me going was DD and Mumsnet and my mum and my friends.

Talk to us, we are here

cjel Sun 05-May-13 22:08:00

So right about money Captain. I got loads more than he said I was 'entitled to'
Karen. Please don'tgive her one minute of your life.She should be nothing to you. She has had enough already, concentrate on looking after Karen.

springykitsch Sun 05-May-13 22:19:17

Darling, no man is worth losing your life over. It doesn't seem like it now, when you are in the acute stage of shock and unbearable pain, but please hold out and try to get through the days one (hour) at a time. It will get better. As skye says, it won't be an easy road but you will get through this. Try to hold out with the hope of that, even if you can't imagine it now.

I agree to not look at FB and to block her profile. It seems irresistible but, please, block her. As long as you keep hearing about her/them, it holds you in the pain. YOu need to get some distance in order to begin to begin to heal.

No expletives can sum up the despicable thing he has done. I'm so sorry. Bear in mind: if he did it to you he can do it to her. I hope it isn't too long before your anger begins to shift to the true villain in this; though, yes, it is very hard to be betrayed by another woman who has selfishly followed her own agenda. Believe me, you reap what you sow and she will (as will he). xx

FarBetterNow Sun 05-May-13 22:26:56

Please read this thread:

'Has anyone been left by their (Ex)H, to bring up their DCs alone, and actually years later realised they are glad that he went?'

It will do you good.

Best wishes to you all.

mrsmciver Mon 06-May-13 11:00:56

Skyblue, yes I was shaking like that for a fortnight. I couldn't even feed myself my hands were shaking that much, and I developed a stutter. I am better now with that but the heartbreak is still so awful. And when I talk about him when he wants to discuss financial matters the stutter comes back!

He was over doing the gardening yesterday so I made sure I never saw him, we went out for the day visiting, and I was dreading coming back because I knew there would be a list of financial stuff for me to look over. I was right. He was asking me to look into what benefits I am entitled to, to cancel a standing order from his current a/c into a small savings a/c of my own, telling me he had paid the council tax but that will also need to be looked at so we can move on.(He means for it to be put in my name). And also for a tv he can use at his mums. Some big stuff, some small. The stutter returned. Am I being a stupid wuse here because I cannot face up to this now? He also is going on the holiday we booked together on his own.

I texted him saying to give me space as it will take a while for me to get my head round this. But the texts just started to get into an arguement and he sounded so sad and unhappy in them. Saying to me he could't come back because of the constant negativity and that I would never get over it and always bring it up and he was so tired and unhappy. I felt so griefstricken at that, it made me sound like such a bad person to live with.

But it is only 3 weeks, am i being unreasonable to make him wait longer until I am in a fit state to look at financial affairs? I don't know what I am doing anymore, life is unbearable. Can't think straight at all. I don't know if he is transferring his anger onto me, blaming me for what happened, he says not. He is also being really short and nasty with our youngest daughter when he sees her. She says she doesn't want to see him for a while as she is getting too stressed.

captainmummy Mon 06-May-13 18:23:07

MrsMc - he is so much further down the road to a split than you are, he can talk about finances and TVs and stuff. You and your dc arein a state of shock - and of course you should wait until your head is in a better state than now. Hw should give you space -and he should not be in your house or garden. Don't get into a text-war with him -in fact don't text unless it is to do with the finances or the house.
Who cares if he is sad and unhappy? That' is not your problem any more.
And keep him away from the dc if he is upsetting them. He is a grown man, and responsible for his own happiness. They are kids and need protection . YOU need protection from him - hence the stutter. It'll go once you are sorted and he is out of the forefront of your life.

Ilovegeorgeclooney Mon 06-May-13 18:38:44

Whilst I have every sympathy for you all please don't talk about it being 'worse than a bereavement'. You dont have a clue and at least your DH/DP are alive, I would give anything for my DH to be alive even with another woman. Today is the second wedding anniversary I have remembered without him and the agony is indescribable. I am sure your pain is equal to mine but please don't compare.

ElizaDoLots Mon 06-May-13 19:17:30

So sorry to hear that Ilove - that must be incredibly hard. Thankfully, I have never been through the two things you are comparing, but I think the point is that if someone dies, the person left behind is devastated, but knows that what they had was good/perfect. If someone chooses to 'do the dirty' like this, it must be as though the marriage hadn't existed in the first place, and that person chose to break their heart like this. I don't think either is better/worse - they are entirely different things.

Ilovegeorgeclooney Mon 06-May-13 20:34:29

That is my point, it is obviously ghastly but please don't compare. My pain is not less than anyone else's just because he died.

mrsmciver Mon 06-May-13 21:32:35

Ilove, I am so sorry. The end result is that either due to an abandonment or a bereavement your partner is no longer there anyway. And the grief is terrible. A friend of mine had a bereavement 18 months ago and it is only now she feels able to think"I can do this". Before that she was bereft, he was her soul mate. My heart goes out to you. Life can be hard to get through at times.

Joy5 Mon 06-May-13 21:48:10

i just want to say i'm in the same position as you, my ex left me 18 months ago, after over 20 years together, 12 weeks later he magically declared he'd just found another woman. Now hearing from other people it had been going on for months before he left. I'm still struggling, not helped my eldest son died suddenly nearly five years ago, but ex made loads of threats about money, hes missing mortgage payments to pay his legal costs, hes transferred assets and says he not had them on our financial disclosures, still don't know how i prove his lies, although the car he claimed to have scrapped is still on the DVLAs website as being taxed and on the road, so thank goodness for google and the answers it provides. But its not easy and i'd never claim it is to be suddenly left and the life you had to be taken away, leaving one full of worry about money and the future. But theres more to life than money, my ex sees the miminum of our two youngest sons, they know they have one parent they can trust and one they can't. In the past week alone, my ex has cancelled three arangements with our 14 year old son, citing work and going out as being more important than arrangements he only made the day before, my son is learning he can't trust his Dad anymore, or believe anything he says until it happens, but he knows he can trust his Mum, and his Mum is always there and never lets him down. I'm proud to be me, and to have my values, no matter how hard this is, i will come out the other side, a better person and with the love of my two youngest sons.

cjel Mon 06-May-13 21:58:15

Ilove, so sorry you have that awful pain. I would say the reason I felt it 'worse' than bereavement was because just as you have to start t heal or see a little light , you get another something happen or see them or something and the pain is fresh and raw again. I have never meant that bereavment pain was less. Just that while they are alive you keep seeing them or talkimg to them and then they leave again. Oh dear I think I better start to stop digging now. Sorry you are in this hurt.x

mrsmciver Mon 06-May-13 22:15:34

Joy5, you sound strong and coping well considering what he has and continues to do to you. Sometimes I think we do not know what we have in us until something awful happens. We get that strength from somewhere.

I am still in the early days of 3 weeks yet, feels like it will never heal. But some instinct is telling me that something is off, if that makes sense. He also blamed my reaction when I found the e-mails as being really bad, full of hatred towards him. Yes I was screaming and shouting for a while, but I never attacked him or any of his possesssions. I think I could have done a lot worse considering! He now calls this his "mistake" and my behaviour was so bad he couldn't possibly come home! Oh and my constant negativity was bad too. No matter that I encouraged him to do what needed to be done for his job. I never moaned when he had to work away, never once said to him not to go to football, gymn etc. I practically raised our children alone. Yes I was financially dependent on him but I did everything else.

Really scared now of becoming a bitter old woman who does not get over this. And am only in my forties.

Joy5 Mon 06-May-13 22:34:04

I'm in my forties too, think its normal to feel bitter at first, but as long as you don't get fixed at that point, and can move on eventually you'll be ok. I just keep trying to see the positive in everything, and i've learnt that my ex will blame me for everything, reading about it on MNs its quite common for the person who ended the marriage to try to rewrite history and blame the one left. Just to make themselves feel better.

cjel Mon 06-May-13 22:36:48

Mrs. Had to spend evenings(hospital visiting) with x after I had moved out because of OW and one night on the way back I said quite lightheartidly something he didn't like and straight away he said ' see that would have to change if we were to get back together'!!! I hadn't said anything to lead him to believe I might want him back!! What goes on in their heads?

cjel Mon 06-May-13 22:37:32

By the way in my early 50s - this is better than being with him was even if I have tearful times 18months later.

mrsmciver Tue 07-May-13 07:56:43

Cjel, Is it better than being with him? I think I need reassurance on that point. Can't imagine him not being here for birthdays, Xmas, family events. I feel slighly hysterical thinking about that. Really cannot see a future. As I said I am not able to work because of health problems. Just see long lonely days ahead. I am going to go for counselling to maybe try to stop my head being muddled and make sense of it all? Right enough I do not think I will ever make sense of it.

captainmummy Tue 07-May-13 08:26:44

It's all part of the script - they leave, breaking your heart, shattering your world, causing huge desperation, anger, hurt, screaming, crying....then they say it's because of this behaviour that they could not come back. YOU have (in effect) caused this, by your screaming and crying. They can't come back because you would 'never forgive them'. Therefore it is all your fault, and they are off the hook. They can then tell everyone that it's because you will not have them back after their 'mistake', and they have 'no choice' but to leave (and take up with OW)

Neat, eh?

cjel Tue 07-May-13 09:16:41

mrs. Oh yes I can reasure you it really is better. Yes there is always a gap in family times but somehow the other people fill the gaps. I was having counselling when mine all blew up and it is the best thing. I think it is why I have got through it so well. I would advise not to look to the future and worry about all the loss that you may feel. Try and focus on today and what is happening now. Can you enjoy sunshine? have a chat with a friend listen to some radio or tv to distract you for an hour or so. The hardest parts for me were waking and realising it was all true again and evening when the door is shut and they are not there. But please take my positive reassurance that yes you will have whole days and weeks when you will be at peace and actually enjoying your life. How long have you got to wait for the counselling to start?xx

MumnGran Tue 07-May-13 09:59:14

I could not agree more with cjel.
It took almost 5 years to get my ex completely out of my head (his voice & tastes when I was in a hardware/furniture store etc) so it is not always a fast process but ....
I spent this weekend mainly in my garden, after a family day on Saturday, and realised I am totally content with my life and, most of all, I love the absolute peace.

Hang in there.

Joy5 Tue 07-May-13 11:52:07

cjel is right, you will get through the family times, however hard it might be without him. Don't look to the future, just get through each day best as u can, i was struggling so much i had to concentrate one minute at a time, just get through that, then the next minute.
Now 18 months on, i can go a few hours without worry or thinking about him, and i do enjoy life. Ex has not seen his sons this week, was with his gf, but i've been there, had them all to myself, can't ask for more then that. Would not want to spend my time with anyone else if they're around.
We've done birthdays, Christmas and the anniversary of my eldest son's death with my ex no where to be seen. Its his loss, its me my two youngest sons will remember for being there.
I've no idea where we'll be living in a few months, i'll deal with it when it happens. Until then i'll concentrate on getting through today.

cjel Tue 07-May-13 15:10:46

Mrs, How you doing today?

mrsmciver Tue 07-May-13 17:23:57

Hello everyone! I am not too bad today. I have had a nice lunch with my mum, and my daughter and I then sat outside in the garden in the sunshine. The sun felt nice on my face, and with my lovely daughter sat beside me I actually felt quite at peace.
My lovely friend said a prayer for us and I actually think it helped, I am not religious but there was definitely something....
Now you will all think I am losing it! But I had sent him an e-mail this morning just outlining a few points and the one I got back was so detached and cold and such a different version of events from me. He told me to stop telling my friends and mumsnet about everything as I was keeping everyone entertained! But it is how I am coping. And I am getting such support I would not be here without it. And to be honest If I want to tell people then I will. He does not tell me what to do anymore! This cold detached man with his business texts and e-mails. I have done nothing to be ashamed of.
Cjel, am not sure when counselling will start, hopefully soon. Am going to go private with it, but there is still a waiting list. My parents are paying for it, thank goodness.
Joy5, Captain, Mumn, Cjel. You are all marvellous! Such strong independent women. I really am in awe at you all. Cannot imagine ever being like that, feel so needy right now, am grabbing everyone for cuddles and holding everyones hands! Defo am losing it!

mrsmciver Tue 07-May-13 17:40:50

Captian, Yes that sounds like what my ex said to me! He swears there is no affair. Just the e-mails. But am not sure..
And he did say he would not come back because of my reaction and I would never forgive him and make his life hell. The only thing is the ow lives really far away from us and they were only able to meet up on business trips. But something is still niggling me, and I can't put my finger on it. Why would he leave home with noone to go to? He can't cook, he would be sitting on his own night after night, as I know my girls won't go to see him, and he does not drink and also does not have any friends in this area. He would go to the gymn and watch football but that is it. The ow has a husband and children in the north of england, too far away from here. He has also not mentioned what he is going to be doing, just keeps wanting to "press ahead". To what?

cjel Tue 07-May-13 20:16:43

thank you for the compliment but I don't feel strong and independant!! I am a christian an praying and spending time 'with god' has been amazing for me!! so I don't think you are losing it (But don't tell anyone here I said that to yousmile.)

Joy5 Tue 07-May-13 20:26:04

Hi mrsciver, good to hear you're not too bad today, i'm not religious but its helped me knowing other people have prayed for me. Take all the support you need, from RL friends and on here, if ur ex doesn't like it, its his problem not urs! Thanks for describing me as marvellous etc, you are like us, you've just not realised it yet, you've been doing fantastic until ur ex ended ur marriage, you've just got to get ur bearings and then you'll be back to being strong again. Easy to say, but i know how hard it is coping as a single person and parent, but you'll do because the alternative to walk away like ur ex is just not an option. Some of us stick with our dc no matter what and do our best, others walk away and leave us to it.
My ex was adament there was no one else, but i thought the same as you, why would a man who loved his family walk away to be on his own night after night if there was no one else. Seems there was all along in my case, but hes her problem now! Sending u as many hugs and hand holding as u need. xx

wonderingagain Tue 07-May-13 20:31:18

Glad you're getting plenty of support. You are absolutely right, he has no right to tell you what to say or who to talk to. Tell the truth about him to whoever you wish.

mrsmciver Tue 07-May-13 21:03:40

Oh I am telling the truth about him to everyone. I am so oversharing right now. I was in a changing room the other day trying on a pair of trousers, and my head is so muddled right now i couldn't decide if they were ok or not. so I asked the assistant who was there(she was about the same age as me), if they were alright, and I started to have a few tears and was telling her what had happened! She gave me a cuddle, said no wonder I was upset, and then this other lady came out of the changing room opposite and started patting me(she must have overheard, I have no shame right now), and this lady was saying to me "he's a shit, he's a shit for doing that to you, with no warning". Hee hee, I really can embarrass myself anywhere right now!

wonderingagain Tue 07-May-13 21:12:04

Brilliant! Keep it up. Perhaps set up a website wink.

mrsmciver Tue 07-May-13 21:33:12

Oh and I forgot to say, I was also talking to an old friend on the phone today, they live further away, and last time I saw them was when they were over in the Christmas hols for dinner. And she said to me that her hubby, lets call him Rob, said on the way home, "Is mrsmciver scared of her husband?". And she said he was wondering about that, as he can be really astute. So many people have said to me lately how different I am when he is not around, how I am not wary because of him, and seem so much more relaxed at times and up for a laugh. They have said he was so controlling, I could not be myself when he was there! I think I am starting to realise some things.

captainmummy Tue 07-May-13 21:35:21

MrsMc Why would he leave home with noone to go to? - well, if he;s following the script ( and he is, make no mistake) then of course he wouldn't leave without something else to go to. Why would he indeed. And what a cheek telling you what you can and can't do, who you can talk to or not; ha, I'd do it all the more!

Wheres SadKaren? Hope she's ok.

wonderingagain Tue 07-May-13 21:36:45

OMG no. Don't tell me he was controlling and abusive as well as a lying adulterer.

mrsmciver Tue 07-May-13 21:47:15

Wondering, It is only now I am starting to think about certain things. I have been with him since I was 15 so I don't know any different to be honest. I used to get very upset with him when he put me down in front of other people, and I usually had to go along with what he said. But I did not think twice about it, was used to it. He used to shout and was angry all the time and my girls were nervous of him, they were not close to him at all. But he did always do his best for them, any problem at school etc, he would help. And he was always generous. Maybe I did not make him happy then? Was it me? Did I not stand up to him enough?

wonderingagain Tue 07-May-13 21:53:21

No. No. It's not you.

He put you down in front of other people - when you got upset about this you were hurt. He was hurting you. The question is whether he was choosing to hurt you or not.

mrsmciver Tue 07-May-13 22:14:35

Wondering, I do not think he was choosing to hurt me, he just was? He is a very strong minded man. Very opinionated and driven.

I do not know what to think, I go over it all in my head. What if? What if I done that instead of this? However my instincts are very strong, and I know he is up to something. He is not telling any of us anything. He wants all his finances sorted out and finished.

Got rid of wife. Check

Change council tax. Check

Stop direct debits. Check

Will stop doing the garden at weekends. (weird one that, don't get it).Check

wonderingagain Tue 07-May-13 22:22:25

So he put you down in front of other people, shouted and got angry so much that his own children were scared of him, you too, according to what your friend witnessed. Have you had a look at the emotional abuse thread - the links on there will help you assess this aspect of your relationship.

The coldness in his manner is consistent with the controlling way in which he dealt with you and the children.

cjel Tue 07-May-13 22:30:51

Your post of 21.47 made me feel sick, I thought we shared a husband!!

mrsmciver Tue 07-May-13 22:31:18

Yep I have had a look at the thread, and some of it did ring true. But I suppose that is behind me now? He is very cold and wanting to control now. And getting very frustrated with me because I am not going along with what he wants. he has a list of things to do and is wanting them all ticked off.

mrsmciver Tue 07-May-13 22:35:42

Cjel, sounds like we can fairly pick them then? These controlling men and their mid life crises. Was yours ex military too?

I wish he was being more honest with me, he says he is, but I do not think so.

cjel Tue 07-May-13 22:51:02

no not military just very driven salesman/ turned company director!!
I think I'd give up expecting any honesty and realise that any 'truth' he does tell you probably is to divert you from what he is really doing. Don't trust him an inch!!xx

captainmummy Wed 08-May-13 08:33:53

MrsMc - He's getting frustrated because you aren't going along with what he wants? That's a shame grin - but he is not your DH anymore. He can't control what you do any more than he can control a total stranger.
And that fact that he was EA and controlling is nothing to do with you or your actions. in fact there is evidence that the more we (women/partners) bend over backwards to do what he wants, the more he will be controlling and demanding. He flies off the handle? Do you apologiose profusely and tiptoe around making his life a comfortable as you possibly can? Or do you tell him he is being a childish arse and get on with your life, and leave him to it?
Option 1 is almost designed to make him do it even more. WHo wouldn't?

mrsmciver Wed 08-May-13 16:04:38

Hello all, how is everyone today? I am feeling very down, sought some advice, and money wise it is not too good. No monthly income. Am sick with worry, despair and terror. I am not able to work, so god knows what is going to happen to us. Benefits are crap, not entitled to much either.
He has an agenda about something, just do not know what it is yet. I had a text off him saying a work hire car could be getting delivered here and he would be picking it up as he did not want to change addresses yet for things like that so people at work would not "talk". I told him he effing couldn't, don't care who asked questions and to shove it up his chuff!
Then got a text back saying he will get a train for now. I said "Good, now bugger off". Bloody hell what is happening to me??

Joy5 Wed 08-May-13 16:14:15

I'm feeling down too, was just starting to feel upbeat, then found out yesterday ex seems to have moved in with his gf. Seems the CSA reduce the amount if he moves in to a household where children already live.

Am working every hour i can, but earn £8 an hour, as compared to his 40k+ salary, seems he gets a new family and his existing one become even worse off then before.

Can totally understand ur lack of patience with him!

mrsmciver Wed 08-May-13 16:16:18

Cjel, oh I really do not trust him an inch anymore! I never did bend over backwards for him, would get really upset with him when he was nasty, but I was still always wary round him. I do not think I am a walkover, but was not a very aggressive person, would really try and not cause a fight.
But he has got one now.

mrsmciver Wed 08-May-13 16:23:21

Joy5 hugs to you. Yep your ex is a total git, taking money away from his own kids so it can then go towards his gf kids? No wonder you are down.

Joy5 Wed 08-May-13 18:11:59

Thanks mrsmiciver, hes a total git, the papers he did exchange as part of our financial disclosures 2 weeks ago, show when he cancelled our sky contract last november, he took out another sky contract somewhere else. I'm guessing for himself and his gfs kids. told our kids he could not afford it anymore. Hes also spent a lot of money with our local football team, over a thousand pounds in the last 12 months, told our football mad son he couldn't afford his season ticket anymore, guessing the money has been spent on his gfs kids.
Like u i'll not trust him an inch anymore, its our youngest sons birthday in 2 weeks, just hoping he doesnt behave like he did on our middle sons birthday, giving him a card and present two days later.

cjel Wed 08-May-13 19:47:17

I know its tempting to give them a fight bit IMHE 'quiet dignity' is the only way to go. I don't mean roll over but go through legal chanels and don't get into a fight. let them trip over themselves and gt in a muddle - they always do they underestimate us!!

mrsmciver Thu 09-May-13 10:07:59

I start couselling today! Maybe then I can make sense of things? See a way forward? I am really starting to hate him for what he has done to us. I am beginning to think he wants to keep the family home for himself as that also could be the reluctance to buy a tv, change addresses for works cars etc. Really would not put it past him, he has said he would not see me destitute but he has been such a liar I do not believe a thing he says now. Still only getting about 3 hours sleep a night, my eyes are rolling in my head. So worried about it all.

echt Thu 09-May-13 10:45:56

This thread is no longer in response to the OP, but has become a conversation about others' concerns.

mrsmciver Thu 09-May-13 11:11:00

It certainly was not meant to be. People just get involved and then carried away with what is happening to them. I hope "sadkaren" is ok.

Joy5 Thu 09-May-13 11:27:29

Karen You've not posted in a few days, hope ur ok, its still really really early days for you. I think the best thing i've done over the past 18 months, is do nothing and just see what happens, no matter how many threats my ex has made to stop paying the mortgage, to go bankrupt etc up to now he hasn't. Know that may change at any time, but i just really wish i'd have known nothing would have happened during that 18 months, rather then obsessively worrying about it.

Hope ur ok, and if its not an actual problem today that you can try and sort, then just concentrate on getting through today, and whats most important today. xx

mrsmciver Thu 09-May-13 13:17:35

That sounds like good advice joy. Yes I do hope you are ok karen and that you have lots of support. It is such early days. Remember also to try counselling to see if that helps. And try to get out as much as you can, even if you do not feel like it, accept all offers to get out and about.

sadkaren2 Thu 09-May-13 22:32:43

Thanks all.

My emotions are just all over the place at the moment.

Half of me still wants him back as I still love him. The other half of me just wants to be rid of him.

I am trying to get him to talk about finances. He is currently offering some money, but not half.

He will have a good standard of living as his mistress works, and owns her own apartment, which she inherited.

I have spoken to a solicitor who basically said that if I am not ready for divorce, then don't start it yet.

one blow is that I noticed he has signed his mistress and her children up to our Avios account (airmiles) and has spent some of them on a foreign holiday.

captainmummy Fri 10-May-13 08:22:21

Sadkaren - there will be lotsof 'blows' like that - he's moved on. In his mind he now has a new family, and you are the rather inconvenient baggage he leftbehind.
don't talk to him about finances. He will offer the bare minimum, and actually hand over less than that. Talk to a solicitor, get your maximum due from him. You'e been togetyher a long time - he should respect that. He is going to be as well off (if not more so) than before- he should not be.

You realy need to protect yourself from him. Go through the official channel - otherwise you are open to however much more pain he can throw at you.
MrsMc - how did your counselling go? Hope it was helpful.

AgathaF Fri 10-May-13 08:31:13

I agree with captainmummy. You shouldn't be talking to him about finances now - he is not your friend, not does he have your best interests at heart. You need to deal with this side of things at least through the most kick-ass solicitor you can find to ensure you get what you are entitled to.

Try not to get dragged down by the smaller stuff (airmiles). I understand it must hurt, but just see it as evidence that his commitments are elsewhere now, so all the more need to protect yourself financially (or maybe you could get yourself a flight somewhere nice whilst you still have access to the account?).

Your emotions are bound to be all over the place. He has betrayed you massively.

cjel Fri 10-May-13 08:37:10

Morning Karen. 'blows' really are aren't they? like a punch, its a good word. It is so hard to start to realise that they have a new life in which we are not included but their plans for their future are skewed and involve keeping every thing they had before and adding to it with what ow has. He has to be made to recognise that he can't have everything he wants and that he does have a responsibility to finishing his old life with you in a decent manner. The only way they will realise is to get solicitors to deal with the financial split. It may be the first time they have to step out of the dream bubble they are in and face the reality of what they've done. My H was suprised that my solicitor hadn't got back to him about the divorce and when I told him that I wasn't going to pay for it an dif he wanted a divorce he could do it he was shocked.2 years on and he hasn't!! I did everything - did up and sold our porperties,organised settlement agreement etc, he hasn't even signed it yet.I'd advise taking control and don't wait for any suprises.get things done so you know whats going on and take control back from him. He can't have it hisown way. Is he even supposed to give away your air miles?

springykitsch Fri 10-May-13 09:10:27

I've had a 'bereavement' of sorts in that I have lost my kids (not died) - NC. It is not as acute in one way but in another way it is. I would have to say, though, that it doesn't compare to a real bereavement. It is mad to compare but death is so appalling it just doesn't compare. That is not to say that the pain of being left in this cowardly way is not immensely, unbearably painful. My heart goes out to you.

ime it's been 18 months now and I am beginning to feel more human. I had to write off the first year because I was utterly bereft and unable to function. the one thing I would say is give it time. If you are not ready to deal with eg the divorce then don't until you are stronger.

I also cancelled FB etc and don't go looking for info. It is so painful when you hear things and sets you back so badly. in my case there has been huge betrayal(s) and it takes time to adjust to the immense loss. Time really is a healer imo. I am amazed that I seem to be resurfacing - I never thought I could.

If you are not sleeping, please get on ADs to sort that out. YOu are dealing with trauma and you have to get appropriate support. I also (finally!) have counselling and, although I have been a mess and I don't seem to be getting anywhere particularly concrete, it is having someone in my corner that has been so helpful.

springykitsch Fri 10-May-13 09:22:18

oh, and I'm a pray-er. Well, not words - couldn't find any words tbh. Still can't really. No matter, God can cope smile

cjel Sat 11-May-13 09:03:50

springy- praying got me through some times!! How are you today Karen haven't heard for a couple of days, are you ok?

mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 11:55:13

Hello Karen. you sounded a lot more positive, being active and getting the ball rolling financial wise. I hope you have a lot of support with you.x

sadkaren2 Sun 12-May-13 18:47:13

Thanks.
I have taken your advice and cut off contact with him.
He was trying to manipulate me, and threatened to cut off what money he was giving me.
I feel very sad again - his email messages were a bit of a "lifeline" to him, but I think in the long run it will be better for me.

cjel Sun 12-May-13 18:55:11

I think it will as well, i kept going to work in our office to try and 'help' him and we got on really well while i was there but i realised within weeks that it was actually like picking a scab every time i saw him even thought i was comforted by seeing him as well. the hurt had chance to get better when i cut out seeing him I haven't seen him for 9 months now and still have times when I want to tell him something or miss him but I definately think no contact is better especially if he is starting to threaten you as well. let someone else deal with the threats(my solicitor was brilliant she said a llot of her work was relational not legal)
How you feeling? have you got rl support?

captainmummy Mon 13-May-13 12:16:55

SadKaren - have you seen a solicitor? Honestly - it is not a case of him 'giving' you anything, it's to do with your entitlement. you've lost a good way of life, a decent income, to say nothing of the years you've had togther. It's not up to him how much you get. It's all a legal process; get a good team behind you. It won't ease the pain in your heart, but at least you know you are not going to just roll over a disppear.

cjel Mon 13-May-13 12:41:10

Karen how are you today? have you managed to access any help?x

sssosad Thu 26-Sep-13 13:04:02

hello, how are you all doing after 6months? my husband of 32 years left me four weeks ago. I can't breathe.

sssosad Thu 26-Sep-13 13:05:10

how are you now? I'm 4weeks in an can't believe it will improve? how do you breathe?

Sorry to hear that, sssosad. You might find it helpful to start your own thread if you would like some support. xx

Mosman Thu 26-Sep-13 13:53:12

Six months is a life time in this situation .... Tiny baby steps and each hour as it comes. Surround yourself with sensible people and listen to them :-)

Johnrichmond Fri 03-Oct-14 00:36:08

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LineRunner Fri 03-Oct-14 00:43:18

Spam reported.

manaboutthemaison Fri 03-Oct-14 02:31:11

Spam ??

Dickhead more like

dollius Fri 03-Oct-14 08:01:14

Who the fuck does this man think he is? From your account, you were the major breadwinner for most of the relationship anyway!

As there are no kids, he gets 50% of the assets. Why on earth does he think he should be entitled to more???

As for the air miles - well he can spend his 50% on whatever he wants. The other 50% are yours.

Time to lawyer up lady and I would get the divorce rolling before he can spend all YOUR money on little miss perky tits.

LineRunner Fri 03-Oct-14 10:19:37

It's an old thread, resurrected by the spam of 'John Richmond'.

OrangeSpeaker Fri 03-Oct-14 15:11:05

Hi Karen,

It is definitely not easy going through all this pain and suffering. In times like these it is best just to be with this feeling and observe it as best you can. The pain needs to run it's course and it's there for a very important reason. Rather then running away from it, go into it as much as you can. You might discover something truly amazing!

With love and light
OS

JohnRichmond222 Mon 06-Oct-14 00:43:48

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

itsbetterthanabox Mon 06-Oct-14 01:05:33

Reported the john Richmond spam

AnyFucker Mon 06-Oct-14 01:15:26

Fuck off John you twat

When I try to press report on my titchy phone, it clicks on that nobber website grin

FlossyMoo Mon 06-Oct-14 01:17:01

The OP hasn't been back. I hope it all worked out for her.

I have reported Knob Jockey above hmm

itsbetterthanabox Mon 06-Oct-14 02:01:00

Oh god what's on the website anyfucker?

AnyFucker Mon 06-Oct-14 08:51:44

I don't know, I clicjed back before it loads

LineRunner Mon 06-Oct-14 13:43:34

I hope MNHQ have banned him. That's twice he's spammed this one (old) thread.

faithboo Sat 13-Dec-14 23:52:25

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Reported

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