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I've hired a private detective - stressed out - need a rant

(164 Posts)
ivmessedup Wed 01-May-13 06:34:18

On and off since August I've suspected my DP has been having an affair with a girl at work. We all work in the same building and have dealings with each other from time to time. In August I saw a text on his phone from her. Are u about?

Now, I've been cheated on before and as far as I'm concerned, this only means one thing. Why does she even have his mobile number??

Anyway, I challenged him on the text and he denied it in the strongest terms. I came upon them a couple of times in the staff cafe in the building after that, and sat with them, DP and I telling her about our DD etc. This threw me off the scent.

Fast fwd to 18th April. DP was out Fri before and lost phone. At work spot DP and suspected OW chatting. She walked off when she saw me coming and he was all smiles as if nothing amiss. However, I could see her through a door hovering as if she would come back when I was gone.

I pretended to walk away and, sure enough, back she came. Unfortunately, I turned back to catch them out but she had 't reached the room he was in yet, saw me, said hello in an awkward fashion and walked off in the opposite direction.

So, radar back on, I insist on taking his iPad when I take DD to soft play, so I can spy on txts (mobile data on). Of course he's not that daft. But I do check the contact page. It's open at her name. Not a list with her on it- her only.

Next I check the new phone which in the first week has only 12 contacts cos numbers are lost. Guess who's one of them, and under a false name too!

Happily DP has bought himself a crap phone he can't work and can't navigate to delete everything. Lots of txts to her, all deleted but unbeknownst to him, still showing on the log as sent.

Now, without concrete proof, he'll just deny it and say I'm a nutter so, I've instructed a detective to track him for 2 weeks. The only opportunity he has to be with OW is during work or immediately after (I always leave first to collect DD from nursery).

The tracking starts on 7th May and meantime, tonight I've found another part of the phone which shows the first line or so of deleted texts. "Work hard princess", "stay strong princess" are the two worst ones, the rest are just "coffee, cafe?"

Anyone reading this would be in no doubt, but I can honestly see DP still denying it. So, I need to wait for the PI report . Hoping they can get some photographic evidence.

Only thing is that's almost three whole weeks till I can challenge him! Need some support that's why I'm posting. Very stressful sad

Numberlock Wed 01-May-13 06:41:28

Why waste your money?

barebranches Wed 01-May-13 06:42:06

thats awful. Dont have anything to say but here until someone more experienced comes along. xxx

newbiefrugalgal Wed 01-May-13 06:44:58

Hugs smile
Hope you can find your answers.
I know people on here won't agree and will say ltb but I'm with you and would want to know.
Hopefully these few weeks can be as normal as possible, can you lay low at work without him being suspicious?

AudreyParker Wed 01-May-13 06:46:13


I mean this very kindly. Regardless of whether or not he's cheating, you have no relationship. It is not healthy or normal to control your partners interactions with other people in this manner. You really need to seek some support, and I think you should leave your DP and be on your own until you have have some therapy to deal with your jealousy and control issues.

This all sounds so sad, and such hard work.

DragonMamma Wed 01-May-13 06:49:21

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, it's not sounding good sad

I do agree with numberlock though, it's clear that something massively untoward is going on but you don't need evidence to leave him. You can do that just because you aren't happy with the situation.

I can't get over how he's so brazen about it, having cozy chats under your nose

LandOfCross Wed 01-May-13 06:50:22

Jealousy and control issues AudreyParker? Are we reading the same thread?

Good luck to you OP. I hope you find the irrefutable proof you need, and you and your DD can move on from these two idiots.
So sad that your H will not tell you the truth. It's not meant to be that way, but it is good that you are being proactive and not just believing his nonsense.

notfluffy Wed 01-May-13 06:52:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 06:54:46

Save your money. Of course he's going to lie & deny if you confront him but surely you don't want to live with a liar any more than you want to live with a cheat? The fundamental problem is that you don't trust the man. Even if your detective comes up with nothing, that's still going to be the case.

Wishfulmakeupping Wed 01-May-13 06:59:04

This is awful.
While your getting evidence together I'd be getting a head start on organising the finances do you have saving in joints accounts etc?
Can't believe they would do it under your nose but the same thing happened to a lady I know they all worked in the same department

Nehru Wed 01-May-13 06:59:15

You don't call a colleague "princess "

Tbh I'd leave anyone who did though.

racmun Wed 01-May-13 07:04:06

Ah you poor thing. I was in a similar situation a few years ago and my ex denied that anything was going on, surprise surprise they got together the day after we broke up but apparently nothing happened before then. Yeah right.

I completely understand why you have hired the PI. Effectively you and your dd's home life is riding on this. It sounds as though you've tried to confront him but he just denies it so you are stuck in an impossible situation.

I can imagine that you feel like you are going mad at the moment and probably questioning everything he says or does.

Have you confided in a friend it anyone? I know it's hard but I think you need to have someone to speak to otherwise you will want to combust.

LandOfCross Wed 01-May-13 07:08:18

If it is so inncoent and work-related, why delete the texts?

Anyway OP, you have a week to get make plans for your future. Do try to keep busy.
The situation sounds awful. And infuriating.

TheChaoGoesMu Wed 01-May-13 07:09:51

I'm sorry op. I hope you get the proof that you need.

AnyFucker Wed 01-May-13 07:12:23

Save the money for the detective on building your new life

Whether this man is a lying cheat, or you have massive trust issues with him for no reason at have no relationship

It doesn't matter what he denies or how he acts now

If you are compelled to monitor him in this way (for whatever reason) then it is Game Over. do any of you get any work done ? The workplace situation sounds utterly ridiculous, like a silly Carry On movie.

newbiefrugalgal Wed 01-May-13 07:19:45

No way is this you being jealous OP.
ignore that poster.

MummytobeDC2 Wed 01-May-13 07:21:43

Unlike some of the other posters I do not think you have issues and a jealousy problem...

I think I would do the same thing, you have asked him about it, he is denying it so what are you meant to do? Carry on as normal? No way!! Your right to be annoyed and suspicious!

If it comes back that the PI can't find any fault, please speak to him about it, tell him how there friendship makes you feel and ask him to keep away. If you can't get over it, leave, before it destroys you. thanks

Branleuse Wed 01-May-13 07:22:45

princess ffs?


LIZS Wed 01-May-13 07:23:41

agree , you obviously can't and don't trust him . He is already an ex regardless of what is going on. Start looking for a new job and move on.

ColinCaterpillar Wed 01-May-13 07:25:41

Save your money. Honestly, my now ex denied he was seeing any

SoupDragon Wed 01-May-13 07:26:44

I think you should cancel and save your money.

You don't trust him. I think the relationship is over.

What would you do if the detective found nothing? Would you go back to trusting your partner or would you think the detective has made a mistake?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 07:29:34

The OP may not have an jealousy or control problem but they certainly have an anxiety problem verging on the obsessional caused by fundamental mistrust. The DP in this case has already been told by the OP that they are uncomfortable with the level of contact that he has with this other colleague. Now, whilst it's impossible for people who all work at the same place to ignore each other, he should have taken that on board rather than keep meeting her for coffee. Certainly no more texting.

So I think your anxiety is not going to be helped by a detective. You know already a few things for definite ... a) you don't trust him, b) he doesn't care about your feelings and c) he is carrying on being over-friendly with someone else. No amount of denial changes any of those things.

ColinCaterpillar Wed 01-May-13 07:58:46

Save your money. Honestly, my now ex denied he was seeing anyone, convinced me I was deranged. On saturday I walked past him sat with her in a pub, he came running out and was denying it still, sat next to her when I confronted him and denied anything was going on. By Saturday night he was listed as in a relationship with her on Facebook!!! On sunday he was claiminh hed gone to his mums and that it was over anyway. He was not planning on getting caught basically.

I always say he would have tried to wriggle out of it even if I'd caught him en flagrante.


Fairenuff Wed 01-May-13 08:27:14

So sorry this is happening OP but I agree that you should start making plans to separate.

What the detective can't tell you is the one thing you want to know - that he isn't cheating. That is the only information that would be helpful and he can't possibly prove that can he?

So the next best thing would be proof that he is cheating. If you get all your legal and financial advice in place then you will be able to present him with a done deal as soon as you have the proof. It will be like pulling the rug out under his feet, he won't know what hit him.

Mosman Wed 01-May-13 08:36:27

I got our computer scanned -£3,000, phone download programmes to find all the deleted messages, hotel room bills the lot, even pretended to be him to ow to get her to send copies of texts and emails.
None of it helped. I wish I'd had a weekend in a spa instead.

TheVerySecondWife Wed 01-May-13 08:48:01


I have been through something kind of similar and totally understand your need for solid confirmation despite all the obvious pointers. I really do understand the need.

I was a bit unsure reading your thread about if it was an "affair" or a bit of office flirtation until I saw he had her name under a false one. That to me was the most conclusive thing. The Princess being a second.

Having also stalked/searched/spied by stealth on my ex I understand the stress and pain. I totally get how despite being faced with lots of evidence that you still need someone else to say "yep you are right this is definately what you think it is, they met on X day and went to Y and did Z."

All I can suggest is that you keep yourself busy and and help bring this to the quickest conclusion you can. Perhaps you can create a situation and some time (whilst under PI) for them to get together more easily than your normal routine allows and pre planning this with your DH knowledge. Can you arrange to go somewhere with the DC, meet a friend or relations have a day out somewhere just you and the kids (something DH may not fancy) and just go you and the kids. Pre plan it so if there is something going on then your DH may decide to meet the other woman (if they are upto no good) and shoot themselves in the foot pretty damn quickly. Your PI will not need to watch them for 2 whole weeks if they gather enough evidence.

You have to be careful of not setting a "honeytrap" so to speak but you can create an ease of circumstances to bring this to a quicker result - assuming ofcourse this is an affair.

There is a slim chance that this is still a long term flirtation with nothing physical having happend. However, that does not make it right and I would be pissed off about the amount of time and energy he is and has been investing in that alone, as well as the lies.

Good luck and hang on in there.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 01-May-13 09:31:35

You do not need evidence to divorce him...assuming that this is what you want to do, otherwise why go to such lengths to catch him in the act?

He is not reassuring you that he is to be trusted otherwise he would not be deleting texts and trying to hide things.

Tell him its over.

tribpot Wed 01-May-13 09:37:03

I don't think he is having an affair. I think he's having an office flirtation which is completely out of bounds and disrespectful to you, but I think your detective isn't going to find the evidence you seek.

And then what? Do you want to resume the relationship if he actually isn't having an affair? Your actions suggest you are going for broke.

SundaysGirl Wed 01-May-13 09:40:19

I feel for you OP. I've not been in your exact situation but I do remember feeling I was being lied to and becoming rather obsessed with what was going on. It really consumed me, I was at the stage where I wanted to hack emails and Facebook, although I never did any of those things, I certainly thought about it a lot.

It made me miserable. Yes he was cheating and lying about a whole host of other stuff as it happened but tbh what was worse was the months of feeling insecure and lied to and that something wasn't right and the obsession with what was actually going on, both before I found out and afterwards. The constant scenarios I thought of, all the questions with no straight answer, the times I'd allow myself to be pacified by his reassurances only to know in the back of my mind things were not right. Added to that the being accused of being jealous and paranoid causing me to doubt myself and who I was. It was a horrible, horrible time and I wish very much I had just walked away rather than going through all of that stress and anxiety.

I know that it feels as though you need to know the truth but the thing is even of you get part of it you will probably never get the full truth. I was obsessed with finding out the truth about my ex for ages and it took me a long time to accept I will never know what was truth and what was lies, who he really was and what he was really getting up to. That was hard to accept, but it was worse feeling so obsessed about it and stressed out all the time. I had firstly the constant wondering and worrying and then when little bits of information came out which I knew were lies or he confessed to something I would get the whole betrayal and feeling foolish thing going on. Then back to the worrying and stressing about a whole host of other issues.

It was exhausting, mentally and emotionally. I hated the woman I became around him. Worried, stressed, paranoid, needy and fragile.

I guess what I am trying to say is even if the PI finds sometihng out, it wont be the whole truth and it wont lead to closure in of itself. I do understand the need to try to know though.

Good luck.

ivmessedup Wed 01-May-13 09:53:10

Thanks for replies. I accept that I am jealous and have self worth issues. I was previously married and my husband cheated on me. He even had the woman in my house, in my bed.

When the first text arrived in August, DP and I were both working from home. The text said are u about? I didn't know the girl at all at this time, and was shocked that she would be texting him at all. He had never mentioned her at that stage. He was flumoxed and gave inconsistent explanations as to why she would be contacting him. She is in her 20s, he is 50!!!!! The phone was sitting under my nose which is the only reason I saw it.

Until then, I had NEVER checked his phone. His wife cheated on him too and as far as I was concerned, we both understood that we would never do that to each other. And that it would always be a deal breaker.

There are two cafes in the building we work in. One is used by the public and staff tend to stick to the other one. I popped in yesterday to try to catch them together and sit with them. He was there, she wasn't. I left and he phoned me half an hour later to check I was back at his desk. he then txtd her "cafe?" then another one "public cafe that is"

I feel terrible today, last night was the first time I actually saw the first line of all the texts. Until last night, I was probably hoping to be proved wrong.

Lueji Wed 01-May-13 09:54:19

My best guess is that the detective won't catch him shagging her.
Then what?

It might work if he was spending unusual time away from home for example, or you had concrete suspicions like a hotel booked.

So, you either trust him or not. If you don't, the best advice for you two is for you to leave him.

ColinCaterpillar Wed 01-May-13 09:58:34

ivemessedup That's really painful isn't it? I spent so long being suspicious and wanting to believe his lies, even when I knew they were lies I could still be in denial. The truth when it hit was the most painful thing I've experienced in my whole life. Even though I knew it. Even though my friends had seen. Even though my gut knew. My eyes knowing was awful.

BeCool Wed 01-May-13 10:03:32

I'd save the money too. Take screen shots of everything. You know they are having some kind of close relationship, that he/they are attempting to conceal from you. Does it matter if they are shagging or not?

If he can't be honest with you about his relationship with this woman then it's game over isn't it? He needs to give you a good answer as to why he has her under a false name in his new phone for a start!!

Sorry you are going through this.

Agree, it does sound like a bizarre work situation.

ivmessedup Wed 01-May-13 10:06:39

ColinCaterpillar, this is how I feel right now.

The detective will catch him, I'm pretty sure he has been meeting up with her on Wednesdays after work and Fridays. He plays football on Fridays. Last week, the kit was in the wash, but it hadn't been worn.


elastamum Wed 01-May-13 10:19:43

Poor you. sad

I have been there myself and having been lied to for a number of years by my ex, I can understand your need for proof.

It is a big deal to end your marriage and break up a family on this basis, and he will lie to you and try to make you feel that you are in the wrong for doubting him. You know in your heart you are right, but you feel in need of third party validation, so when he tries to make out you are overreacting, you know you are not going mad.

In my case there was always another explanation - until I found their tickets for a week away shagging in new york business trip!

DontmindifIdo Wed 01-May-13 10:27:48

OP - if he's not DH but only DP, you don't need evidence, if you are sure in yourself, then that's enough.

Don't drive yourself crazy trying to get proof if the PI can't get it this week, it doesn't mean anything, you need to decide what's best for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 10:41:01

You just want a detective to give you permission to dump him... You really don't need that permission. You're allowed to dump him whenever you like. Why drive yourself nuts?

BastardDog Wed 01-May-13 10:42:39

I can understand your desire for proof. The PI may, or may not, find that. Either way it seems your relationship is broken, probably beyond repair. I would spend the next few weeks planning the logistics of your separation and deciding what you want to happen in terms of who will live where, access to dd etc. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. sad

cleoowen Wed 01-May-13 11:07:17

I can understand your need for proof, I too would want to know just to put my mind at rest otherwise I would definitely always,be wondering.

I would go ahead with the detective as you obviously need evidence for your own piece of mind.

I am not sure this sounds like an affair though. But I think peoples perception of an affair if different. It could just be a silly flirtation or just a friendship which he feels he needs,to hide because he knows you wouldn't like it.

I think you do sound quite jealous and it's not healthy to obsessively check up on him. If you have shown jealous feelings before perhaps they are just friends but he feels he cannot be open about it as he is worried about your opinion. So far his behaviour is suspicious but doesn't show he is having an affair. IMO.

I think you need to address your jealousy issues though. Do you feel like you would be like this with a new partner if you found he was having an affair because of your past experiences?

Mosman Wed 01-May-13 11:13:34

Silly flirtation has no place in a committed relationship and let's face it it's not a giant leap from texting to emailing to ducking is it ?

Jengnr Wed 01-May-13 11:27:24

I honestly don't think this sounds like anything. I suspect it's the OP's jealousy issues that have made this into something it really shouldn't be.

irrational jealousy is fucking horrible and it eats away at you and all you hold dear. You need to get help for yourself so that you can get happier and more confident.

But you also need to decide whether you can trust this man, because right now you don't and of you don't you will never be able to be confident and free.

ivmessedup Wed 01-May-13 11:33:15

Jengnr, I admit I'm jealous, I love him. But do you really think it's nothing - "princess"???

SoupDragon Wed 01-May-13 11:37:29

What happens if the detective finds nothing?

He stores her name under a false name?
He calls her princess?
He runs around trying to meet her in private?
They text constantly and all the texts are deleted?
He goes to 'football' and yet his kit is untouched?

Just get rid of him. He's treating you like a fool.

Roxyfox Wed 01-May-13 11:40:40

It doesn't matter if he's shagging her or not, the worst part of cheating or an affair is the lying, that is what eats away at the trust and that is what denies the other person freedom of choice, if he isn't sleeping with her he should be able to be open about their friendship, yeah you might be jealous with him but if he knows he's doing nothing wrong then he could reassure you but firmly tell you that this is just friends and that you're being controlling.

However he's not being honest, he's hiding it and he's not just hiding it a little he's hiding it a lot, they're actively waiting till you're out of the way to meet, he's got her under fake names etc and the fact he hid her existence all together to start with suggests there's something worth hiding, I think next time you discuss this with him you need to tell him lying is not okay, and how you'd be willing to work through his cheating (even if you're not) if he's honest, hopefully he might come clean and save you some PI money. That's what I'd be angry about most here the lying, he's not allowing you to find out and leave him, he's hoping to trick you into staying. I understand the need for the PI, I don't think I'd personally do it but I'd definitely want some concrete evidence, you sound like you're going to leave him anyway so you're hiring a PI for the right reasons if it's for your ease of mind as opposed to validating you leaving him.

pickledginger Wed 01-May-13 11:47:28

Why hire a detective??? If you are sure he's cheating that's enough surely??? You don't need to prove it to him - he already knows!

ivmessedup Wed 01-May-13 11:47:34

The issue of lying is funny. I have been smoking and hiding it because I know he hates it. The last two weeks he has been going on and on "it's not the smoking it's the lies and deceit!"

pickledginger Wed 01-May-13 11:49:02

As for 'princess' envy [spew]

Jengnr Wed 01-May-13 11:55:40

The football kit thing is far more suspicious.

I don't think the princess thing is anything (except a really shit term of endearment). It's pretty much the same as babe, hon or darling. None of which I'd be arsed about.

Actually, not true. None of which I'd be arsed about now. Once upon a time I would have been and I made my ex's (and my) life a misery over stuff like this.

The football kit is worse of they definitely haven't been worn but the other stuff isn't. None of the texts have been incriminating have they, it's just the fact they were hidden. And tbh if I thought my husband would go off on one over me having coffee with a colleague I'd probably hide them too.

pickledginger Wed 01-May-13 12:24:29

Whether he's actually having an affair, I have no idea. The fact that you've gotten to the stage of paying someone to spy on him says that your relationship is badly broken. You don't trust him at all, rightly or wrongly. That's no way for anyone to live.

Ahhhcrap Wed 01-May-13 12:39:04

Regardless of the money, OP in your situation I'd want/need to knowhmm

Looksgoodingravy Wed 01-May-13 13:15:51

FWIW I can understand why you have hired a PI.

Regardless of what the PI finds out your dh has already crossed a line, in my opinion.

Deleting texts, saving her number under another name (my dp did this too and he had been cheating) and all the other things you've mentioned as well as your instinct all point to your dh either heading towards having an affair or already having one.

Totally understandable why you feel so stressed atm. Is there anyone in RL you can confide in?

BriansBrain Wed 01-May-13 13:20:15

Goodness it must be so stressful at work for you.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 01-May-13 13:23:06

I also think in this instance the phone is the key to finding out more ...possibly.

AnyFucker Wed 01-May-13 14:15:37

Are you ok, Op ?

EmilyNugent Wed 01-May-13 14:18:33

I agree with looksgood

ivmessedup Wed 01-May-13 15:03:16

I'm ok AF. At work, can't concentrate. Have avoided the cafe(s), can't face running into them or even her on her own. DP been texting about lies and deceit over smoking today. What a cheek!

He's getting a new phone today which means tonight is the last night to check the day's txts (he'll get an iphone again which he knows inside out). This is probably a good thing, however, to keep me sane. It was just terrible seeing those txts.

I have confided in a friend Looksgood, she is very supportive.

Suspect I'll be back on later to moan about the smoking lecture - feel like smoking 100 fags on my way home to wind him up.

pickledginger Wed 01-May-13 15:06:23

If you need to smoke at the moment, do. One thing at a time.

tribpot Wed 01-May-13 16:30:47

Since you've committed to the spend on the PI the trouble you've got now is not tipping him off too soon. Hence why you're going to have to keep biting your tongue during the smoking lecture - which could be difficult.

Beckamaw Wed 01-May-13 16:30:55

This week, you need to tamper with the football kit.
Remove kit, put in random items: your underwear, vegetables etc.
When he gets in, ask how it went. Watch him unload the bag, then tell him it's time for some honesty.....

ladyjadie Wed 01-May-13 17:21:15

It would be awful if his new iphone got put in the wash with his unused football kit <unnecessary evil>

Fairenuff Wed 01-May-13 17:28:35

Ok, so he knows that you have been cheated on already and might find it hard to trust again. He had been through the same experience, so he says, so he should be able to empathise.

He knows that you are insecure about his 'friendship' with this woman and yet he makes no attempt to reassure you or help to make the relationship easier for you.

He could be totally open about when and where they meet. He could allow you to see his phone whenever you liked. He could agree not to call her 'princess' or any other term of endearment that he wouldn't use with his male friends.

But he doesn't do any of that. He hides her identity behind a fake name, he deletes messages, he arranges secret meet ups with her and now he is lying to you about football.

You are not being paranoid.

You are not being jealous.

You are perfectly rational and sensible to questions his intentions.

You deserve better than this.

Btw tell him you are going to smoke and you are going to do it openly since you both value honesty and you would appreciate him being honest with you too.

And then do the vegetables in the football kit thing that Beckamaw said. Genius!

Lweji Wed 01-May-13 17:37:57

You could also tell him you want to go watch his football practice and notice his reaction.

AnAirOfHope Wed 01-May-13 17:48:45

I would not say or do anything and let the PI get evidence.

If pi not starting this week you could ask to go watch him play football just to fuck up their plans.

lunar1 Wed 01-May-13 17:49:34

I understand why you have got a pi. At least this way you stop driving yourself mad trying to second guess your instincts and can find out one way or the other.

I hope you can get through these few days without tipping him off

deepfriedsage Wed 01-May-13 17:50:18

Don't tip him off at all. Sorry you are going through this.

MummytobeDC2 Wed 01-May-13 17:56:49

Love the vegetables in kit idea gringringringrin

Why don't you PI yourself this Friday? Hop in the car check out his training if you get caught spying say you wanted to surprise him... If he isn't there when he comes home ask how football was then you'd well and truly catch him!! confusedangry

G.luck x

kittybiscuits Wed 01-May-13 17:56:57

The level of his carelessness suggests he feels he is under the radar and getting away with it OP. I think it's a good idea to bite your tongue, act normal, and see what the PI comes up with. There's nothing like hard evidence. I agree his behaviour is a deal breaker anyway, but if he denies all, turns the tables on you and blames you for mistrusting him, this could run and run. This will bring things to a head more decisively. Good luck x

VitoCorleone Wed 01-May-13 19:09:57

I also understand why you want to get the PI, if you didnt and you just ended it you'd probably spend a lot of time thinking "what if i got it wrong? What if there was really nothing going on?" finding out for sure rids you of the "what if's"

However, even if nothing physical is going on it does sound like it could be an emotional affair, i think he is crossing a line with this woman anyway, and you really dont trust him at all.

Is this woman single?

ivmessedup Wed 01-May-13 21:45:51

Managed to survive the smoking lecture without giving the game away. He says I'm a liar and that he can't trust me.. He was dragging up stuff from the past. From tonight I see the writing on the wall. When I challenge him, he will continue to deny or else if i get photos admit and say I drove him to it. Either way, he will NEVER be contrite, so there will be no way back at all.

Today I contacted financial advisor to get me a mortgage and local auth re school place in area I will move to (DD starts school this year). May have to rent till mortgage settled.

Going to arrange to speak to my mum before DDay so she knows and doesn't get a shock. I've never done that before - always wanted her to think the best and not worry.

I'm still going ahead with the PI though. I want him to know that he has been caught red handed and I want her to know too.vito , you asked if she was single - yes late 20s single, double of his ex-wife. I'm 40, nothign like the ex-wife - wonder which of us will be best placed for future happiness???

ImperialBlether Wed 01-May-13 21:54:46

The quicker you get rid, the happier you will be. I, too, understand the PI - the need for third party proof is overwhelming at times. By the way, how the hell did you think you could get away with secret smoking? It's the one thing you can't do!

Fairenuff Wed 01-May-13 21:58:52

Oh well done OP. You are right, he may never take responsibility. Best to focus on where you go from here and start building a new life with your dd. I hope your mum is supportive.

Corygal Wed 01-May-13 22:05:30

What are you looking for when you get the evidence? Proof that you're not going mad? Under the circs that's quite reasonable. If you're secretly gnawing away for something else, be careful.

Hmmm. Tbh, what you need after being so cruelly hurt is support - I would spend less on the dick and more on a therapist, I really would. You also need some kindness and someone to talk to - can you confide in a friend?

Uppatreecuppatea Wed 01-May-13 22:05:35

I agree with someone upthread who suggested that you tell your partner that you have plans to be away with your DC on a certain afternoon. Choose a footie afternoon. Make sure that he knows you'll be away for a few hours. If there is something going on, this will be a good opportunity for them to meet up and you can get your resolution a bit faster.

If you are good with computers, you could also put a keystroke logger on his computer. This will only cause you stress though.

Poor you - I really mean it. The worse thing about being suspicious and telling your partner about it is the lies and deceit - the partner making you feel paranoid and suspicious and fucking with your mind. So unfair.

It sounds to me like the shit will hit the fan. What will you do about work? Are you senior to this woman, to your partner?

Good luck! <<unmumsnetty hug>>

ivmessedup Wed 01-May-13 22:07:51

Yes, so I've been told imperialblether!!! Tonight funnily enough as the insults were rolling.

thx for pm giveitago I'm on my phone having escaped to bed and can't get reply to send. I'll try from PC tomorrow.

Actually feel a bit better than from today, have done a bit of therapeutic blubbing during the smoking argument, blubbing was nothing to do with that of course but was an opportunity to let it out.

The duplicitous nature of some never ceases to amaze me. And am afraid this has rat written all over it. So sorry OP

I too understand your need to obtain absolute clarity and proof. You know in your heart what you have to do though, glad to hear you have been taking early steps

All the best

BriansBrain Wed 01-May-13 22:10:06

His rant is just away to relieve the pressure of his own guilt, finding a way to blame you and make it all your fault.

I understand the needing for knowing all but does it really matter now and it it worth the money, can you think of a better way to spend it on yourself instead of on confirming he isn't worth your life?

ivmessedup Wed 01-May-13 22:14:14

Thanks for messages. I've confided in a friend and work will be fine. I can avoid them both and colleagues will work out who's in the wrong, no doubt they all have already.........

Fairenuff Wed 01-May-13 22:27:16

Yes, it may well be quite obvious to others and you will be the last to know. Well, actually, you won't because you know already and you are quietly getting on, making plans. Get as much support around you as you can from friends and family. They will be invaluable as you go through this process.

tribpot Wed 01-May-13 22:27:27

It is usually painfully obvious when work colleagues are having an affair, despite their smug belief that they have covered their tracks well. Once you have concluded PI activities (with or without proof) I would blow the lid on them at work and see how many stories come out of the woodwork.

simplesusan Wed 01-May-13 22:32:16

Just sending you my support.

Remember you haven't done anything wrong.

olgaga Wed 01-May-13 22:45:07

OP I think you'd be better off making plans to start afresh - whether or not they get anything on your DP.

You'll end up thoroughly miserable carrying on living like this.

Make sure you've got the finances sorted before it all gets nasty. I'd start looking for my next career move too!

olgaga Wed 01-May-13 22:54:58

X posted - this thread has moved fast while I was weighing up whether or not to add something snarly about people who have accused you of being "jealous" OP!

Feel for you, what a horrible situation. The fact that he has had this rant at you about the smoking the way he has - that says it all to me.

He's feeling guilty.

eatmydust Wed 01-May-13 23:06:04

Just posting to add my support as well.

I can understand why you want to use a PI - you do whatever you need to for closure - he is just going to lie.

Know it's considered unmumsnetty to slag off the OW -but what a hardfaced bitch to sit there and talk to you and your DP about your DD whilst she secretly meets up with him. Yes, you will have the better life going forward.

Longdistance Thu 02-May-13 06:13:38

hmm just by you saying hat his exw cheated on him, I'm now a little suspicious, as in are you sure he wasn't the unfaithful one in the relationship? And he's told you a load of porkies....

I think you've done the right thing in hiring a PI, as it seems very in your face, and right under your nose too. Very deceitful.

Tortoiseontheeggshell Thu 02-May-13 06:25:30

Classic projection there, the trust thing, isn't it? I mean him calling you a liar and 'it's the trust...'. And it's also part of the script to find as much fault with your current partner as possible, if you're having (or about to have) an affair, so he's just too predictable for words.

My sympathies, OP. You're doing very well, it seems, well done for telling your friends and mum. Sunlight is a good disinfectant, and all that.

Planetofthedrapes Thu 02-May-13 09:06:13

It all boils down to respect.....and I don't think your DP is showing any for you.

I'd save your money for your new tosser-free life without him!

Squitten Thu 02-May-13 09:36:14

Well done to you OP for realising that your relationship has no future, proof from the PI or not. Hilarious that he has grasped the one thing he can beat you with (the smoking) so he has something to counter his own guilty conscience!

Good luck with moving forward!

ivmessedup Thu 02-May-13 17:45:35

Today I confided in a trusted work colleague. She says the fact that they are always in the cafe together has been the talk of the steamie for months. I am senior to her ao she was worried about telling me. She has agreed to update me on any gossip she hears.

Today has been good. I have been reflecting on all the shit I've been putting up with from him. I have admitted to myself that things have really not been good for about 2 years.

As with everything in life, sometimes you need a catalyst to wake you up and smell the coffee. Leaving by June, biding my time for the PI report. I really just want to be able to challenge him in a way he can't turn around as my fault. That will give me a lot of satisfaction.

DontmindifIdo Thu 02-May-13 18:41:09

OP - so sorry about that, but noone has an affair at work without collegues finding out about it, they always think they are being terribly discreet, but usually it's known by others (usually either reception or kitchen staff, they tend to know everything ).

don't rush anything, get your house in order and then end it.

Branleuse Thu 02-May-13 18:59:38

im really sorry OP. Stay strong. We are here for you, and ive glad youve got friends you can confide in x

MummytobeDC2 Thu 02-May-13 19:07:43

OP hope your ok!! winethanksthanksthanks

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 20:17:18

I don't know how you can look him in the face whilst knowing his actions are the talk of the workplace

No one, but no one, should put you in that position

Have you no pride at all ? The PI won't tell you anything you don't already know.

i'm glad you're making plans for your future and it doesn't include fw.

i do understand your need for closure. imo you can trust your gut you know. he's a shit.

ivmessedup Thu 02-May-13 21:12:26

AF don't misunderstand. I have my pride. Actually, I welcome they all know, I will recover any respect lost at work by my actions next. He has been berating me this week over lies and deceit. Wot a laugh! He has called me desperate and pathetic. Ha ha I will have the last laugh here and no mistake. EVERYONE will know I'm no pushover and he will remember that this was ALWAYS a deal breaker for me.

Have noted interest in a house and mortgage in the pipeline. Escape is imminent.

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 21:18:07

I don't agree, love

You are pinning your hopes on the PI finding him en flagrante with this woman

It's not going to happen

But still you will stand by while he continues with his low level disrespect of you

you are seeking out the grand drama, and the explosive denouement

it won't happen

this time next month, the PI will tell you "he went to work, he had coffee with ow, they sneaked about a bit, he sent a few texts"

you already know that

it won't tell you anything you don't already know

betterthanever Thu 02-May-13 21:18:51

Well done OP, you are remaining so composed and strong and will have closure.
If the PI gets photos maybe you could get into work early one day and put them all over their desks and just say nothing????

snowmummy Thu 02-May-13 21:31:36

I'm thinking 'why bother?'. If you are that suspicious and untrusting of him and you believe that he would lie unless concrete proof was put in front of him, then I don't see the point of this relationship. There are clearly trust issues. No trust, no relationship.

ivmessedup Thu 02-May-13 21:39:47

AF you're right, I am looking for the denouement, but if I don't get it, c'est la vie. Still want it though! Can hang in in here for 2 weeks - he's ignoring me anyway over lies and deceit.........

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 21:53:24

what is you don't get it ?

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 21:53:32


BriansBrain Thu 02-May-13 22:20:37

What will you do if you don't get that grand information that stops him being able to say no, it's all you, you are deranged?

I think you know what you want without spending ££££ on maybe finding a better answer than you already have.

ivmessedup Thu 02-May-13 22:28:32

If I don't, my hat's not hung on it, would just be nice to feel indisputably right for once! Regardless, I'm leaving.

Day before yesterday I went to cafe. He was there, she wasn't. I left. He phoned me to check I'd left then txtd her to say coast was clear.

Tonight he has called me a drunk! Until recently, we have drunk wine together regularly during the week. Since Jan he's not been drinking. Funnily enough he told me his ex-wife was a drunk as well! He is setting me up. As someone up post said, persuading himself how bad I am to permit himself to carry on with his affair.

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 22:32:12

Regardless, I'm leaving

Then spend the money on some fuck-you symbol of that, instead of throwing good money after bad on something that isn't going to help, only confuse

TheNewSchmoo Thu 02-May-13 22:42:32

I am friends at work with a very happily married man. We've been friends for 15 years. He always calls me princess, I think it's his age and a regional thing.

That said, he doesn't have loads of texts etc from me that he feels the need to hide, but I personally wouldn't read to much into the use of that phrase.

musu Thu 02-May-13 22:44:18

I don't see the point on spending money on getting proof to confirm what you already know. I would only spend money on a PI if it was to do an asset search. You should be ensuring you have details of all his finances in order that you can ensure he pays maintenance for his dd (assuming it is his dd too and not just yours from a previous marriage).

piratecat Thu 02-May-13 22:57:14

you sound very capable and you know you want out. i too would save the money. i'd get on with leaving him to it. not give him one clue and just leave saying nothing.
that would feel empowering and rather dignified. he would prob pass out to come home and see all trace removed.

racmun Thu 02-May-13 23:20:05

I think the posters saying get rid you don't need the proof are being a bit flippant.

Poor OP's head is telling her one thing- the rational get rid there's no real rational explanation if you don't trust it then there's no point etc but her heart desperately desperately desperately wants to hang onto any shred of hope that he may be telling the truth and there is nothing going on. I suspect she is full of self doubt and anguish.

When you are in such a terrible situation as the op you are living in a daze, I suspect that she feels like she's going mad and probably wakes up at 2 in the morning feeling like she could just go running and never stop for the pain in her heart.(I know I did).

If the PI gets the proof then it confirms that op's not going mad, being paranoid or having trust issues etc. if they don 't then she's no worse of and will just have to make a judgement call on the same facts as she has now but knowing she's explored every avenue.

I think deep down op knows the real answer- so often it's the same pattern. You never checked their phone or email for years but when you do, you find something - the only reason you looked is because they are 'different' and then you realise it down to what you found out about.
You know that person so well and you notice the most subtle of changes. I think Hiring the PI is the op's way of giving her heart one last chance of being right as this ultimately what op wants.

I really feel for you op. reading your posts has bought back a lot of horrible memories and feelings for me.

I hope you get things sorted soon x

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 23:29:23

OP has said herself she is leaving anyway

We "flippant" posters are just going off what OP has said

don't you believe her, racmun ?

(that is rather an unfair question, so be careful how you answer)

gettingeasiernow Thu 02-May-13 23:30:11

I understand the need to find proof, I've had friends who did this years ago and hired one for a friend years ago too. But as the guy told me at the time and I tried to make my friend understand, they can't provide real proof. They can't supply photos of anything they are doing behind closed doors, or texts. They can just keep a log of when they met, and take photos of them in public places. It's very unlikely to be anything more substantial than what you already know. And then you may just feel deflated that it didn't bring the certainty you wanted, when you could have spent the money on something far more gratifying.
That said, you are sounding feisty and determined so this is good, and I'm certainly rooting for you.

ShootingStarsss Thu 02-May-13 23:36:50

Stay strong op & good luck, whatever happens you know you have to leave this "man"

olgaga Thu 02-May-13 23:47:36

Today I confided in a trusted work colleague. She says the fact that they are always in the cafe together has been the talk of the steamie for months.

Well you know what, after that I'd chuck him out. It's the only way you can possibly restore your self-respect. Do you really want to be the object of pity from your colleagues for another couple of weeks while you spend more money on information you don't even need?

Or would you rather just take the initiative here and say "enough's enough". Going by his behaviour towards you the in the past few days, I'd say you're well rid and the sooner the better before he gets the chance to upset you even more.

He's probably detected your change of mood and is just trying to cover his back the only way he knows how - trying to get the upper hand by laying all the blame on you.

Don't let him. Just get rid of him. This relationship is over. You're not married, so what's the problem?

He's getting more and more cavalier in his lack of regard for you. Frankly he nasty, inadequate piece of work and you really don't need him in your life.

You'll get no satisfaction from waving a PI report in front of his nose. Far better to chuck his stuff out on the front and tell him to go to his "Princess".

Then change the locks, go to work and act like you don't give a shit.

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 23:50:10

There's not enough drama in that, it would appear

SucksToBeMe Thu 02-May-13 23:50:34

I think you are doing the right thing OP,to look him in the eye with 100% evidence would make it worth every penny.

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 23:54:56

100% evidence of what ?

a photo of him and OW sitting in the works cafe, while the other workers gossip and feel sorry for Op ?

she already knows that...her colleague told her

olgaga Fri 03-May-13 00:23:40

OP don't let yourself be deflected from what you have to do, simply to get some kind of satisfaction or justice.

It doesn't happen that way.

You will get your satisfaction through taking the initiative, and retaining your dignity and self-respect. Not through defending yourself against this onslaught of pointless nit-picking about your smoking and drinking - what next? Your dress sense? Your meal preferences? Your taste in music or TV programmes? The shape of your toenails?

Your justice comes when this "Princess" finds herself lumbered with the nasty old bore that is your ex.

SucksToBeMe Fri 03-May-13 00:38:45

Any evidence that the OP feels she needs.

olgaga Fri 03-May-13 00:47:54

Yes but she shouldn't feel she needs evidence when he's evidently treating her like shit.

OP, you might feel like you need evidence to do things the "right" way, but you certainly don't need it for permission to get yourself out of a horrible situation.

Moknicker Fri 03-May-13 00:52:14

Ive been through this with a friend. Agree with the poster above that you will not get any more information that is more incriminating - all you will get is dates and times of meetings. On top of that the PI my friend hired turned out to be slightly sleazy and made her pay him more money than was originally agreed. She was so disgusted that she threw the report away unopened.

Please leave him with your head held high. You dont really need the validation of a PI.

SucksToBeMe Fri 03-May-13 02:31:50

I have been in your position op, when i was 7 months pregnant. I was convinced DP was cheating but was being told I was crazy/jealous/hormonal. It was horrible, until with I found some photos of him in bed with OW that she had sent to his brothers email address.
I sat with the computor facing me and asked him one more time if he was having an affair, as he flew into another rage about my 'issues' I slowly turned the screen around to show him. It stopped him in his tracks.
So while I understand that hiring a PI is a costly and maybe not the first choice for some I can completely sympathize with the reasons behind it.

it's all very well to say the pi won't find anything but of course we can't look into the future.

ivmessedup needs to do this for herself.

Fairenuff Fri 03-May-13 08:34:23

OP I understand that you want proof. To show him. So that he can't deny it or blame you. But guess what? Even if PI gets photos of them in bed together, he can still deny it if he wants to. Or say you drove him to it. Or say he did it on purpose because he knew he was being followed and if you don't trust him what's the point, etc.

The denial is in his head and to him he is doing nothing wrong. The big 'exposure' might just turn into a rather deflated non event. You are spending all your energy and money on catching him out when, in the long run, it won't make a jot of difference to you. You will move on, he will move on and it will just be money down the drain.

The other thing to think about is this. What if he ends it first. Whilst your PI is still halfway through his investigations, your dp could up and walk. Then you are left with proof you don't need and money wasted.

Do you really want to end it 'because you cheated'? Why not just end it 'because I don't like or respect you anymore'. You don't need any proof for that, just say I don't like the way you treat me, so I'm leaving.

Otherwise, you are implying that, apart from cheating, everything else about him was fine and you want to be with him. Do you really want him to have control over the end of the relationship like that, or do you want to be the one to end it.

freeandhappy Fri 03-May-13 08:49:17

Good post fairenuff. Try to disengage from him OP so you can stop hurting and start concentrating your energies on you. At the moment he has three people focusing on him: you, princess and himself. The private investigator brings that to four. Nobody is focused on you or giving you attention. So maybe you could care about you first and him not at all. Spend your money on going to Rome for a fab weekend. FUCK HIM

arthriticfingers Fri 03-May-13 08:57:42

Everything fairnuff says

ElectricSheep Fri 03-May-13 09:28:58

Fairenuff speaks a lot of sense.

I've never understood this catch the cheater business. The way I look at it is this - there is no moral obligation to stay in a relationship that you are unhappy in. That goes for both partners.

There is a moral obligation to act considerately and kindly when leaving a relationship you are not happy in (just as there is to be considerate and kind to others in any situation).

If your partner is not considerate and kind to you as he leaves your relationship (and starting another relationship with someone else first, particularly someone you both work with) certainly isn't, then your partner is revealed as a shit anyway and who wants to be with a shit?

Just LTB asap OP. Stop torturing yourself with who is right, who is wrong, who is to blame. He is a shit. You will be much happier without him once you get over the loss of the relationship you thought you had. Onwards to a better life!

How are you going to keep this going for three weeks??

I wouldn't want to waste any more money on him frankly, and what if all you get are a few photos of them having coffee?

I suppose if you are still adamant about a P.I. you could force the issue and make out you have to visit someone who is ill/whatever, stay with family and then see if anything happens - flush them out, so to speak.
Less time waiting and less money spent.

Personally i'd just document everything for him to see and tell him to leave.

ivmessedup Fri 03-May-13 11:05:48

I have taken on board all of your kind (and not so kind!)comments and advice. I have decided to cancel the PI. I have all I need and I now just need the guts to do something about it. Being accused of being a drunk last night was the last straw.

I have drafted an email to him which I will copy to OW to avoid her hearing stories of me being a lying smoking alcoholic like the stories I have heard for years about his ex wife.

Thanks again all

WhiteBirdBlueSky Fri 03-May-13 11:14:34

I think that's the best decision.

I would use the money I would have spent on the PI to do or buy something FABULOUS.

tribpot Fri 03-May-13 11:18:52

I think you've just avoided being labelled the drunk smoking lying ex who was so paranoid she got a PI on to him and what an unjust invasion of his privacy this was, etc etc.

The drunk thing was hilarious in an awful way. Such a blatant attempt to put you down so he could feel morally superior when he's the cheat. I would be extremely suspicious of his story of his ex-wife cheating on him.

I don't think you could have lasted out 3 weeks to let the PI do his/her work - for the sake of some photos he might be able to explain away. If I were you I would ask someone else to pick dd up from nursery and head over to the alleged football practice to 'surprise' him.

However you tackle this he is going to paint it as your fault or all in your imagination, so I would just crack on and end it. I suspect he will see Miss TwentySomething head for the hills when the flattering old git from work becomes available.

BeCool Fri 03-May-13 11:34:39

well done ivemessedup - you know all you need to know. I thing cancelling the PI is a great decision. The thing is he can say all the crap he wants - YOU know the truth and HE knows the truth.

So what is the next step? Keep posting - we are all here to support you.

ivmessedup Fri 03-May-13 11:43:24

Viewing a lovely house tonight, near my mum. Mortgage in the pipeline. Happy days are on the horizon.

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 11:50:49


happyAvocado Fri 03-May-13 11:52:59

I think the proof was also to convince you. I think talking it through here helped,also I guess con
DH wants to gather lots of details about you (telling you that in your face as well) he can explain his dishonest behaviour to others.

good luck in your search - let's hope that the drama from DH won't be too damaging to your child

are you planning to rent something and when you have keys to tell him you are leaving?

ivmessedup Fri 03-May-13 12:06:54

No, happyavocado, I'm sending him the email today. I can't pretend any longer. that would be dishonest and I've been called a liar enough this wk!! I will have to stay in the house until I can move (we live quite far from where I'm moving to) I don't want my DD to have to change nursery at this stage. She will have enough upheaval and starting school after summer .

He is not violent, but if it becomes impossible, I suppose I can rent near home till my final move .

skintagshame Fri 03-May-13 12:09:48

i think youve done the right thing r.e the PI

skintagshame Fri 03-May-13 12:16:21

i would also bbc her in on the copy, he may just shoot himself in the foot with his lies about you to her that way

skintagshame Fri 03-May-13 12:16:51

bcc not bbc

olgaga Fri 03-May-13 12:18:00

Good decision OP. Best of luck to you today - come back and tell us how it's going.

If you need any info and advice re separation you might find this helpful.

Vonnegut Fri 03-May-13 12:22:35

He's in his 50's.
She's in her 20's.
He calls her 'princess'.
Could she be his daughter? A secret, illegitimate daughter that he's not ready to come out about?

Wossname Fri 03-May-13 18:33:23

Good idea on the blind cc. Might give ow a quick glimpse of what a gobshite he really is.

Fairenuff Fri 03-May-13 20:58:30

Well done op. I think you have made the right decision. You know what he's like, you don't need a PI to tell you. Has he receive the email yet, do you know?

Hang in there. You are worth so much more than this x

BriansBrain Fri 03-May-13 21:11:10

Well done op I can't imagine what a difficult decision it has all been for you.
Wonderful to hear you may have a home near family.

The bcc instead do cc is a very good idea.

Keep strong x

MyPreciousRing Fri 03-May-13 21:26:30

Good decision OP. Good luck.

JollyGolightly Fri 03-May-13 21:33:57

You've made the right decision, IMO. The sooner you manage to extract yourself, the better. Good luck.

You've done the right thing.

Spend that money on a Spa break for you and a friend.
Sending you lots of strength for the future.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 05-May-13 09:07:29

Good luck Ivemessedup I think you are being very brave and have definitely made the right decision.

bubblybottom Sun 05-May-13 11:37:07

How are you OP?

LandOfCross Sun 05-May-13 15:10:23

I really hope it all works out for you and your DD.
Well done for being strong.

MadamFolly Sun 05-May-13 18:58:24

How did it go OP?

Wuldric Sun 05-May-13 18:59:54


riskit4abiskit Sun 05-May-13 22:02:48

you sound really brave OP and I'm rooting for you.

The OW sounds totally cringe-worthy to be going with a man with such a big age difference - rest assured the majority of the work people with be laughing AT them, and will feel real sympathy towards you.

calling her a princess .....boak! You will look back and see you are well rid (although I cant imagine how much it will hurt like hell at the time).

you sound very dignified, keep the moral high ground especially at work (not that i could) and good luck!

bubblybottom Sat 11-May-13 19:08:22

Are you ok OP?

LivingNightmare Sun 12-May-13 07:59:21

OP - I've read your whole story and just wanted to say that I've been through a similar situation. My DH has had an off and off affair for 2 years with a 25 year single girl at his office. He did some very similar things to yours, for example saved her number under a different name and odd laundry behaviour. It absolutely sounds to be like he's having an affair (sorry!). My DH also denied, denied, denied, she was a friend etc and made me feel rubbish about not trusting him. You just know something is not right, I think and most men are not all that good at lying! I also completely understand the need for proof, I felt I had to have proof to properly confront him. I didn't got to the extent of hiring a PI but I did get quite obsessive about working out whether he was lying or not. I was lucky to find very incriminating texts from her - he couldn't deny.

Of course you can leave a relationship without any proof of the affair, especially if it is clear that mutual trust and respect is not there. But it does not feel quite that simple when you're living through it, especially if you have children together. And these cheating men mess with your mind so much that you start questioning whether you are just imagining the affair.

Please do let us know what's been going on and if you are ok. You sound much stronger than I was when I first found out. Btw, I just kicked my DH out finding out he was back in bed with same OW and have initiated divorce proceedings. It feels great to finally stand up for yourself.

Sikasia Sat 19-Oct-13 19:50:31

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Piaffle Sat 19-Oct-13 20:08:32

Sikasia this is a really old thread. Thought we were getting an update then!

ImperialBlether Sat 19-Oct-13 20:09:13

Reported, Sikasia - you're not allowed to advertise on this board.

PAsSweetOrangeLurve Sat 19-Oct-13 20:10:44

I have as well Imperial - this is the second thread that this poster has resurrected in order to advertise their services.

Sikasia Sat 19-Oct-13 23:42:04

Calm down pse if admin wishes to take may link off the comment then fair enough or i would do it my self however, my comment was relating to a post old or new who cares, my point was about the peace of mind and that not all partner that are thought to be cheating are!!!

Sikasia Sat 19-Oct-13 23:45:14

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Piaffle Sat 19-Oct-13 23:50:39

Sikasia, please leave zombie threads alone. You can't possibly be genuinely offering the OP advice as the thread is so old. Please stop spamming.

Gaaaah bloody spammers.

Did we ever hear back from the OP?

I hope she's in her new home and justice has been served!

PAsSweetOrangeLurve Sun 20-Oct-13 07:35:18

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lunar1 Sun 20-Oct-13 07:56:46

I hope it all went ok op and you and your dd are settled now.

PAsSweetOrangeLurve Sun 20-Oct-13 20:10:15

My first deletion! <well hard> grin

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