Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Single? The truth.....

(84 Posts)
Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 17:13:17

I have a thread on AIBU at the moment about the way my mum has reacted to me telling her I am thinking of leaving DH. Basically she has told me how awful being single is (she was for about 18 months) so I would really appreciate anybody who can verify the following claims:

That it's soul destroyingly lonely sitting on own all evening and weekend
That all my friends will become convinced I will steal their DHs and will not want to know me.
That every man I meet won't want to know me as I have children.
That I will regret every day leaving DH.

Apparently I need to make more effort, go on "date nights" etc. Despite the fact I have been unhappy for 10 years.

So is that dire on the other side. Did you leave and wish you'd stayed?

colditz Tue 30-Apr-13 17:15:37

A) yes, true, so don't do it. Watch tv, read, have a bath. You don't have to stare at old pictures and weep.
B) some might. Seem people are knobs.
C) there are as many divorced dads as there are divorced mums
D) if you don't want to fix it, this won't work.

dontyouwantmebaby Tue 30-Apr-13 17:25:32

being single is nowhere near as 'awful' as spending 10 years of your life in an unhappy relationship.

one door closes, another opens. I don't know your story and haven't seen your other thread so not quite sure why you have to be the one to 'make more effort'. If your partner knows how miserable you are, what's their story? Have they tried to address whatever the issue is too? If they don't know, you should tell them.

you can be as lonely sitting indoors with the wrong person in your life as you can by yourself, more so in fact. in my experience, plenty of my friends with children have gone on to meet new partners later in life and seem much happier whilst others are content to remain single, whatever works for you! doesn't mean you will never meet anyone ever again if you want a new relationship in the future.

Why would your friends suddenly think you were after their husbands? Do people really think like that just because a woman becomes single? shock its not such a stigma I don't think.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 17:31:57

There is a special circle of hell reserved for nasty old women that would rather you stayed trapped in a miserable marriage (the way they presumably are) than be independent and happy. Her list is just shameless scaremongering. Evenings can be as quiet or as busy as you make them. She might be insecure & paranoid about single women luring husbands away but most of your friends probably aren't. (Never experienced it personally) You aren't looking for a replacement husband you're going to be independent , that's the whole point. But, if you were looking for a new partner, the type of man that doesn't like your kids is not even going to get a second date... You might regret leaving your DH on bad days but you'll get over it.

Big, fiery, smelly circle of hell.....

Mutt Tue 30-Apr-13 17:33:23

Depends on you.

I have friends who can't bear their own company and don't feel complete unless they are part of a couple. Your Mum sounds like one of those.

I enjoy being single most of the time.

Just make sure if you do leave him that you have explored every way of improving your marriage and making it work first. To look back one day knowing that you may have been able to sort things out, but never knowing for sure, would be awful, for you and your children.

IMO, divorce is awful; being single is ok.

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 17:33:25

Yes I've tried to address the issue with him sad

What I tried to get her to understand was that I am lonely. Lying next to somebody who doesn't even want to be your friend anymore? How can being on my own be worse than that?

Oh don't get me started on finding someone new. Every man I meet would want to be priority above my DC apparently and I will have to accept that.

dontyouwantmebaby Tue 30-Apr-13 17:34:13

OP just read your other thread now. am so sorry you're mum isn't providing the comfort & supportive words to you. my mum is totally the same. the only time I ever confided in her when I was having relationship problems & didn't expect any practical help but wanted kind words/reassurance and I got nothing! Very difficult when its your mum.

I think you'll find there are lots of people who have managed to leave & find happiness, hope you do too. No point being unhappy anymore with the wrong person.

acceptableinthe80s Tue 30-Apr-13 17:37:18

No, not dire at all, quite the opposite actually. Some people are better at being single than others but imo boredom/loneliness are a state of mind.
Having good friends helps a lot and no none of mine think I'm going to steal their partners, what an odd thing to say.
I wouldn't dream of staying with someone who made me unhappy, been there, done that, never again.

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 17:38:52

Thank you. It's so very strange how this has made me feel very pathetic, wanting reassurance from my mother at 39? I should be able to be a grown up about all of this.

It's compounded by the fact that I now understand why my mum ignored the fact my stepdad abused me, because his life was more of a priority than mine. That's why she stayed married to him because that was more important than leaving him and protecting me.

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 17:40:37

I have friends who are divorced and unhappy, they can't bear to be alone for a minute. I think I might be ok, I'm the kind of person who's quite happy going shopping and for lunch on my own. I quite like my company. And I like my children's company too!!

Mutt Tue 30-Apr-13 17:41:32

If that is the case Sunshine, that she would put her relationship with an abusive man above her duty to you as a mother, I doubt you can ever hope to get the support you need from her.

It's natural that you want to be able to lean on your mother now but realistically I do think you need to look elsewhere for that support.

LineRunner Tue 30-Apr-13 17:43:21

It was my mother who convinced me to marry my ExH, and who believed his crock of shit when he left me and the DCs. I don't have contact with either of them now.

Being single is quite nice if you have friends. That's why sometimes I like working, it brings me friends. Of course it has its downsides, but nowhere near as bad as being with someone who sucks the very life out of you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 17:43:49

People like your mum are very insecure and assume other people are as well. If she hero-worships rotten men into the bargain then don't ask her for advice any more.

The friends who are divorced and unhappy, were they the ones that initiated the split or did they have divorce thrust upon them? I'd guess the latter.

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 17:46:41

Yes the latter, although one of them was having an affair and got caught.

ruddynorah Tue 30-Apr-13 17:46:41

No. I left my marriage 6 months ago. I should have done it two years ago. What a waste of time those miserable years were.

I've now met a wonderful man who's also separated and has dc. It makes me very cross to think of those wasted years.

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 17:48:13

I don't want to be so unhappy that I meet somebody who hurts my children. Staying is preferable to that.

I spent months in therapy dealing with this childhood crap and I've walked straight back in for another helping.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 17:50:27

It's compounded by the fact that I now understand why my mum ignored the fact my stepdad abused me, because his life was more of a priority than mine. That's why she stayed married to him because that was more important than leaving him and protecting me.

Here is the crux of it.

Ignore your mother. She has a vested interest in seeing you make the same mistakes she made, because it mitigates her own (in her own fucked up head)

I haven't seen your other thread. But I do know your mother is a disgusting individual.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 17:52:45

<Grasps Sunshineandflowers firmly by the shoulders and shakes>

You will NEVER let someone hurt your children. You're not her. You will probably become so blissfully happy enjoying your own company and the new social life you've carved out for yourself that you're not keen at all to bring some idiot bloke into it, messing up your cupboard contents and leaving shaving bloodstains all over your new white towels!!! <Can you tell what my latest squeeze did this week? grin >

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 18:36:01

Thank you for the shaking.

Anyone else tell me how miserable it is. Maybe I will have to live with lots of cats? Or take up embroidery?

How I will be turning up at friends houses unannounced to flirt with their husbands?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 18:44:03

I live with one cat and a 12yo. I cannot sew for toffee but my piano playing is really coming along! If there was a fire, I'd save the piano (kidding) I'd flirt with my friends' DHs but they are all boring things like accountants and besides, I know all their many faults. <eye-roll> Lord 'Towel Bleeder Cupboard Distresser' has his own place, thank goodness.

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 18:47:30

3 DC, 1 dog, 2 cats here. Heaven knows when I'd find time to be lonely!!

She really has scared me though. But I'd love to have an evening where I didn't dread the key in the lock sad

WhiteBirdBlueSky Tue 30-Apr-13 18:57:27

Not half so lonely as being with someone who makes you unhappy.

Moanranger Tue 30-Apr-13 18:59:25

I am two months separated, and while I have moments of real sorrow, I am finding there are many, many nice people around. We split right before my B-day when he was supposed to have taken me to a nice hotel, which he never even booked. So I rang around a bunch of friends & my kids & had a nice dinner out, surrounded by love, affection, presents, cards & flowers. Since then, my rule is to go to everything I am invited to, just get, circulate & talk to people.
There is also the world of Meet Ups, which are activities for single people, but not dating per se. I have joined a bunch of these, so there are one or more invites in my email in box every day.
What is great is getting out & seeing men who are socially appropriate, unlike my STBXH. And while I am a long way from looking for someone new, there has clearly been some interest from men, which is great for my self-esteem at the moment. Life will get better, & you deserve happiness.

StuffezLaYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 19:03:31

Oh god. Sunshine, please don't become one of those older women who look back with bitter eyes and resentment, boring everyone with teir tales of how everyone treated them badly, when in reality its because THEY failed to change their situation.
It is a thousand times worse being in a loveless, unfulfilling relationship than it is being single. Being single is GREAT. I've moved 220 miles from my friends 9 months ago and am single, it's taken a while but I'm sitting h, curled up with a glass of wine, planning a dinner party for Wednesday. Nobody to tell me I'm spending too much. Nobody to moan about who's invited. Honestly, it's a bloody good option, singledom.

Lueji Tue 30-Apr-13 20:23:32

But I'd love to have an evening where I didn't dread the key in the lock

You will probably find that being lonely by yourself is not as bad as being lonely with a bastard partner.

I was by myself for over a year before I started dating again, and now single again for about 2 weeks. I was 25 when I met XH and my first relationship.
Yes, sometimes I yearn for the companionship, but not the kind they gave me, particularly towards the end.
You will be ok if you remember that.

Personally, I love my own company, so I'm mostly ok.

You will be too if you learn to love yourself more. smile

BaconAndAvocado Tue 30-Apr-13 21:03:45

Being single after having been in a rubbish relationship is downright fabulous!

I was on my own for 2 years after separating from my ex and felt so liberated and at peace.

Eventually I decided that maybe not all men are gits (and they aren't!) and started dating.

This is such a cliche, but very very true.... Life isn't a dress rehearsal.

Be strong, be kind to yourself and realise that happiness isn't defined by your status but by how you feel.

Good luck.

happyfreeconfused Tue 30-Apr-13 21:04:43

The relief, sense of space and feeling of freedom is so wonderful it makes up for the sad bits/bad bits (of which there will be some, whatever your story.)

JennyMackerz Tue 30-Apr-13 21:09:56

Put up a thread 'has anybody ever regreted leaving their h?

I don't think anybody regrets it if it's not right. I was unhappy. I have not regrets. There are things about being single that arent' fabulous fgs, there are probably downsides to being a wag! I feel free.

JennyMackerz Tue 30-Apr-13 21:15:39

just read the thread again it's all projection on her part isn't it. what she's saying to you is really what she's saying to herself disguised as you.

Snorbs Tue 30-Apr-13 21:25:49

I've yet to experience any level of loneliness more soul-destroying than that I had when I was in a bad relationship.

do not listen to your mother, she is talking crap, sounds like you will be alotlot happier single

free to do what you want when you want

BasilBabyEater Tue 30-Apr-13 21:43:05

She's doing what people do to try and get validation for their own behaviour.

One of the reasons people feel uncomfortable about people who split up, is that it makes them question their own relationships. If their relationships are fine, they don't feel uncomfortable, if they're not, it does.

Your DM sounds abysmal, please don't listen to her.

ohtobecleo Tue 30-Apr-13 22:01:20

I've been divorced for 8 years and have had a couple of short relationships in that time but been single for most of it. At times it's bloody awful and I could climb the walls with loneliness, but whenever I have those feelings I remind myself how much more soul-destroying being lonely in a marriage is.

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 22:06:03

So this evening I have
Put DCs to bed on my own
Had short arguement with DH
Eaten dinner with DH in silence.
Cleared up in silence.
Had another short arguement.
Sorted paperwork out on my own.
Now reading in bed on my own and will probably fall asleep before he comes upstairs.
Tomorrow he will be gone before I wake up and the evening will be the same.

Exactly how could it be worse to be on my own?? I genuinely don't think it could but I really would like to know if anybody is miserable and single.

ivykaty44 Tue 30-Apr-13 22:09:30

there is a difference between being lonely and being alone

BeCool Tue 30-Apr-13 22:15:33

Single for 4 months. 2 young dc. I'm not lonely or miserable.

The things I miss from the relationship are tiny compared to the things I don't miss. It's down to you. Imagine your evening where the hostility and arguments are replaced by stillness and quiet - you can fill this space how YOU choose.

I can't leave the house to go to shops in the evening. So I'm more organised.

Exp isn't having DC overnight - to mess with my social life. But that will change eventually.

I like my own company byes I watch too much TV ATM but that will change - it's still early days.

Your mum isn't onboard. She's not you and she's not living your life. It sounds like you would benefit from the change. Best of luck.

wordyBird Tue 30-Apr-13 22:18:29

It's entirely possible to be miserable and single....and entirely possible to be miserable and married. Or happy, by the same token.

You are always better off single than dreading hearing a key in the lock. At least, I think so.

Your mum sounds like the type of woman who needs ANY man in her life, at ANY cost (including the welfare of her daughter, it seems sad ) This is not you, and it's definitely not a healthy approach to relationships. So I don't think she can give you good advice on being single vs being married.

Spero Tue 30-Apr-13 22:19:24

I love my evenings! I wish they were twice as long. I can sit on the sofa with the dog, eat toast, watch TV, watch films, read, noodle on the internet, potter around putting things back where they should be.

Some people can't bear to be alone. I think that is truly tragic. Because they often exercise very little quality control over who they spend time with.

Dillie Tue 30-Apr-13 22:40:07

I was one of those who was in a bad relationship and stuck with it, JUST because I was terrified of being on my own.

2 months of therapy and I think I am OK with it. The fear does not hold me any more. Time will tell.

But I know one thing, I am looking forward to the day when I finally move out to make a new life with my dd in 4 days time!

Nothing can be as be as bad as being lonely due to a selfish controlling fw .

A few of my friends are single, and they are happy. Also I have a couple of married friends and they are downright miserable!

As my nan used to say, life is what you make it, so get off your backside and live it. She was single for 50 odd years, but not through choice. Grandad died from complications of a war wound. She was never unhappy or lonely and lived until she was 98 years old. She was and will always be my inspiration.

Lueji Tue 30-Apr-13 22:50:27

Exactly how could it be worse to be on my own??

You wouldn't have the arguments. smile

And you could actually get a nice man who would actually keep you company. grin

BOF Tue 30-Apr-13 22:54:41

Seriously?

Have you any idea how liberating it is to be able to do what the fuck you like, to your own timetable, decorate your home the way you want, go to bed when you fancy, have complete control of the remote? It's fucking brilliant.

elastamum Tue 30-Apr-13 23:12:03

I now have a partner, although we live apart, but was single for 3 yrs after my ex left.

This evening I have had tea with my DC, walked the dogs, turned out my horse, chatted to next door, had a long telephone gossip with a GF and with my DP and had two glasses of sherry. grin Am off to my lovely big bed in a minute

I have another GF coming for over tea tomorrrow.

OK, sometimes I have lonely days, but being single isnt all bad. Far better than being married to the wrong person

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 30-Apr-13 23:15:44

A). It is healing and comforting settling into a happy home. It should be enjoyed. Use those nights in to settle your children, establish your own routine. You need a period of time with yourself. There will still be nights out (you will find a way) and friend's round.

B). I don't know your friends but mine have never done this.

C). Some won't. So they rule themselves out as potential boyfriend material. Many others will. I know a few men on Internet dating sites who already have DCs, don't want any more and prefer to date women with DCs.

D). If your marriage is truly dead, not only will this not happen, but you will relish your new life.

I left and I have never regretted it. Not even in the extremely difficult early days. I made the right decision for me. But I tried everything I could to save the marriage before I left.

OP have you tried couples counseling?

drfayray Tue 30-Apr-13 23:24:21

I am single now after 24 years of marriage when ex left for another woman.

I can honestly say ( hand on heart) that I have never been happier. It has not been easy but I am a pro-active person who has gone out of my comfort zone to find a new life.

Now I have new interests which have brought me new friends. I am rarely lonely. DC are 17 and nearly 15 and we are a happy family who enjoy each other smile

I fought to stay in my marriage so I didn't give up. But it was doomed really.

I am open to a new relationship but I refuse to settle for any old bloke. Hey, I am fabulous!

You can be so alone whilst you are with someone.

I am true to myself.
Good luck OP.

littlemisssarcastic Tue 30-Apr-13 23:31:23

Single for 4 years.
Have never felt utter soul destroying loneliness like I felt at the end of my relationship with xp when I was still with him.
My life is quite full anyway so I don't have time to think and the lack of conversation only bothered me because xp was actually sitting there. When there is no one sitting there, I don't feel a need to fill in awkward silences. grin
Have met men no problem, just not found one I want to have a relationship with.
I've got quite good intuition and have never felt my friends were threatened by me being there. No one has even mildly hinted that I want their husbands. I would be offended if they thought that tbh. Just because they find their husbands attractive, and rightly so, doesn't mean everyone does, and I can't think of even one of my friends husbands I find attractive.
Have never regretted splitting with xp.

garlicyoni Tue 30-Apr-13 23:53:07

Sunshine, I'm long-term single and committed to it. I have a fair number of ishoos, have no children and zero social life. Quite often I do feel lonely. But ... and you've already identified this truth ... no loneliness is as lonely as lying next to a partner who doesn't love you. When I'm lonely, I can fuck around online or ring someone up, watch a film or read a book, go for a walk or get pissed: it's completely up to me. "Please yourself" means something in my life! When you're lonely, another person is right there next to you, choosing not to engage with you. That hurts. In your life, I'm guessing "please yourself" means "I don't care".

So this is a long-winded way of saying I live pretty much as your mother foretells, and I still prefer it a hundredfold to either of my miserable marriages. Most of the time, being single's been positively joyful for me; it will be again. For now - well, I please my self, and that's what counts smile

YoniBottsBumgina Tue 30-Apr-13 23:53:30

I fucking loved being single. It was fantastic. I cooked food that I wanted for me (and if I couldn't be arsed, I ate an entire share bag of crisps or a pot noodle and nobody moaned). I had control over my own money and even though I never had loads it felt like I did, because someone wasn't carefully rationing it out to me - I didn't have to beg or justify or explain anything later. And I knew when the next payment was coming etc.

I hardly ever felt lonely - I didn't have ti me. I spent most evenings mumsnetting, watching films or box sets, reading! Undisturbed! Listening to my OWN music. Going to bed early if I was tired without being woken later as he stomped around turning lights on. Going to bed at normal time with no pressure for sex. Ever. Reading in bed, using my phone/laptop bed without having to worry about waking anyone up. Not having arguments about having to bring up the DC. Leaving the housework for (gasp) the morning.

They say that the very worst kind of loneliness is being lonely within a marriage/relationship. I would be strongly inclined to agree. There is absolutely nothing like that feeling, it destroys you.

Being single has been hard at times but it was also wonderful, and taught me so much. I'm now in a relationship which is so easy, supportive, respectful, communicative, loving that I never would have thought it possible. But I also know that if anything happened and I ended up single again, although I'd be devastated at the loss of DP, I know I would be fine. Being single really isn't a constant stream of despair. It just isn't. It's freedom and space to breathe, time to be you again, time to figure out what you want. It's a huge confidence boost to be self sufficient. It's empowering. Being single is great.

garlicyoni Tue 30-Apr-13 23:59:44

Bertie, is that you? Hell of a username grin And a wonderful post!

I love being single. And being single wasn't my choice! ExH left 7 months ago for the OW.
It's been a bit of a journey, but I love it just being me and the DD's here. I second the posters who say its lonelier living with someone you don't want to be with, than to live by yourself with your DC.
I love that when I put the kids to bed the evening is mine, I don't get lonely or bored, I can watch what I want to watch, do my exercise DVD without anyone sniggering, have girlfriends round whenever I want to without having to consult 'the boss' and I get 24 hours every week to myself whilst he has the children.
Oh, and I am dating a gorgeous man.... What's not to love about being single?!
Good luck OP. I think you know what you've got to do.

Sunshineandflowers Wed 01-May-13 06:49:57

Thank you all so much.

Just realised that there is a good chance my mother will contact DH to tell him. Obviously it won't be news to him but I'd rather she didn't forewarn him that I'm thinking seriously about going. Damn sad

Anyhow I've barely slept and can now add another thing I won't miss. Passive aggressive cuddling in bed. Usually DH will never touch me in bed at all unless he wants something but the last few nights he's all about the cuddling up. Which is a problem as I have a flare up of a back problem and it hurts when he manoeuvres me into a position to cuddle up to so HE is comfortable!! Then he falls asleep and if I try and move him he gets cross that I'm refusing his affection. This went on all night.

CabbageLeaves Wed 01-May-13 07:05:55

I was incredibly lonely when married.
I have never regretted leaving him. Never.
I have regretted staying so long. One life and all that.
I did have one woman say something along the lines of 'you want to watch her' about me to a friend who is was stood chatting to at the time because I cycled with her husband. To this day I never knew if she was serious or not but I think she was. Friend and I giggled about it later that evening. Otherwise it's never been a problem.
I'm not sure my DH wanted a woman with DC so I can see this could happen... But frankly I wouldn't want them!

Am I happy? Yes yes yes.

I dropped DD off at club last night, plugged in my iPod and walked the dog somewhere nice. It was lovely. I felt peaceful and happy. Very few days in my marriage (at the end) when that was true

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 07:17:40

"Just realised that there is a good chance my mother will contact DH to tell him."

So use that as motivation to do something about your situation and beat her to it. Get informed, get support, get a plan together and, in the meantime, articulate to him just why he's such a crap husband. I know that sounds like bridge-burning but at least you'll feel like you're getting somewhere.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 01-May-13 07:20:42

Coming from a culture which frowns upon divorce I can categorically say non of what your mother says is true.

I've had so much fun being single again and re-discovering the me that I had lost.

I barely if ever have time on my own, which I spend doing things I enjoy. I actually enjoy my own own company too (it's not impossible, I'm a lovely person!), but mostly I have friends with crazy schemes and my time is swept up in helping them out or enjoying being with my children, my girls and I have a fantastic and very close relationship because we are our own little world.

Not a single one of my friends has ever displayed any sign of fear that I will steal their husband/partner, many have been utterly delighted and tried to marry me off to their male relatives, apparently I come in the category of the sister they always wanted and can now have thro marriage!

I have never been short of offers, and the fact I have children doesn't bother anyone. I've met men who have never been married and have no children and who are still interested in me even tho I'm divorced and have children. I wouldnt be interested in anyone who had objections to the above frankly.

I thank god every day I left ex, wish I had done it sooner, we have a happier lighter household because of it.

CabbageLeaves Wed 01-May-13 07:39:34

My post should have made it clear its the man I don't want..not the DC.

Fuzzy. That's exactly what I was thinking last night as I was on my own. I was relishing my aloneness and wondering if this made me odd but realised I like myself so liking my own company is inevitable. It's also a really good feeling being happy on your own

Sunshineandflowers Wed 01-May-13 09:27:31

I think mum will more likely tell DH about her suggestions for date nights and how selfish I am for always putting the children before him. They should have a lovely chat about that.

Right I've photocopied mortgage statement and his pay slips. Found details of savings accounts. Now to book an appointment with the CAB, I presume that's the best route? Find out what I'm entitled to, I have no idea what I can get. I'd rather walk away with nothing but I have 3 DCs to consider!!

FreckledLeopard Wed 01-May-13 09:34:38

So, I was a single mother for the first eight years of DD's life. Then met DH. Got married. Realised it was a big mistake and split a year ago. Now just DD and I again.

In those years I have learnt:

Being single can occasionally be lonely. However, I relish having time to myself, I work full-time, so evenings and weekends are great for me to chill out, hang out with DD, see friends, see family. Lonliness really is not an issue for me.

There are some people in this world who do, for reasons best known to them, think that single mothers are predatory females who want to steal their husbands. However, such people are generally twattish and if they truly think that, then they're not real friends. Some of my best friends are married and totally normal and do not see me as a threat.

Similarly, some guys aren't keen on dating women with children. But then again, hypocritically, I'm not keen on dating men with children, even though I have a child myself.

I have no regrets about leaving DH. It was tough at the time, but the lonliness and misery I felt in that marriage was far, far worse than any unhappiness I've felt being single. I am so glad that we broke up - I'm so, so much happier now than I was being married. Staying in an unhappy marriage is soul-destroying.

Good luck!

littlemisssarcastic Wed 01-May-13 09:43:26

shock at your mother OP!

Nowstrong Wed 01-May-13 10:07:50

Dear OP, I left an extremely lonely 30 odd year marriage and have not looked back. My evenings can sometimes be lonely but I can do something about that now. I am so much happier. I cannot thank Mumsnet enough, even though a lurker, it opened my eyes and I found the strength to leave. I would especially like to thank Anyfucker and CogitoErgoSometimes for their advice to others, which I took.
OK so I have lost some "friends" but I have found so many new ones. I've even got a sex life now (couldn't remember what that was...).
To stay will destroy you. That would be a pity for your children. If you blossom, so will they.
I have rediscovered my children and family, or perhaps I should say the opposite. They have found that I do exist.
Time goes by too quickly. Get your soul back. Get your life back.
I wish you well.

SundaysGirl Wed 01-May-13 10:41:50

Just to echo everyone else - It is a thousand times worse being in a loveless, unfulfilling relationship than it is being single

I love living just me and my son. Actually to the point where I think I've deliberately stayed away from anything that has the remotest chance of turning into a situation where I have a live-in partner (but thats a whole other story).

Honestly it's really lovely having your own space and the freedom to do what you want. And I do not miss the endless negotiations about what to eat for dinner or when to go food shopping or what time to go to bed blah blah blah.

I did notice when my son first started going to kids birthday parties some of the other mums would always come up when I was in a conversation with their husband but that tailed off very quickly when they saw I was just friendly and in no way flirtatious. Thats really the only (and very mild) example I could think of that relates to the fear of husbands hitting on you / being seen as a potential husband stealer.

MumnGran Wed 01-May-13 15:00:36

Hi Sunshine (what a great way to start a reply, or the day or .... :-) )

I have been single for seven years, after a very long marriage, and actually think you have to learn to live alone and single before you should contemplate jumping back into a relationship. I suspect your mother didn't manage this .....given her reasons for you not leaving your marriage.

1 ) Its OK to sit in front of the TV in the evening - if it makes you relaxed, calm and happy. I love TV nights :-) if you don't enjoy it, then you will fill your evenings with things you do enjoy .....internet surfing, reading, all the things you never find time to do when you have a partner.

1. (part 2) Do I feel lonely? actually the only time that happens is when I have been to a big social event, and there is no-one at home to discuss it with in the aftermath. So, I suppose the answer is once in a blue moon and it lasts for 10 minutes. The dogs jumping all over me to say hello rather cures the miseries!!

2. Did I lose friends. Well one, whose husband tried it on when he came around to "help" with a plumbing problem. Otherwise, existing friends have been brilliant. I would say that, when I moved, some new contact women have been very, very watchful when their husbands are around ....but they are the ones with the problem, not me. Invitations to dinner may be awkward as singles upset table plans but I had a bigger problem with friends trying to set me up because the world doesn't overly like us to be happy in a single state.

3. If a man doesn't want you because you have children .... then he is not a man you would want :-)

4. I have NEVER, EVER regretted leaving my marriage ..... even when it was really tough financially. I would have lived in a tent with nothing, rather than stay.

And perhaps that is where the true answer lies. If you are truly unhappy, then anything is better than staying where you are.
If one is still in love and been left, or is just feeling "grass might be greener ...", then perhaps your mothers view of life alone may come into play.

Only you know why you want to leave.

B x

JennyMackerz Wed 01-May-13 16:11:35

oh my god :-0 at your mother racing to tell your H what's going on in your head at the moment! She has no respect for you.

I hope that you get the support you need from friends.

Crinkle77 Wed 01-May-13 16:15:41

You have already said that you feel lonely within this relationship so don't see how it will make much of a difference being single. Rather you will be free of the contraints of being in an unhappy marriage and will be able to get on with your life

acceptableinthe80s Wed 01-May-13 16:42:40

Glad to hear you're getting pro-active on this sunshine. Yes CAB will be able to help you figure out financials. this website is also useful. Please post again if you need any advice. Good luck.

wonderingagain Wed 01-May-13 16:53:19

sad Your mother won't help you - this sums it up.

It's compounded by the fact that I now understand why my mum ignored the fact my stepdad abused me, because his life was more of a priority than mine. That's why she stayed married to him because that was more important than leaving him and protecting me.

You will get so much support on here so keep posting. I hope you can soon see this as the beginning of a great journey.

YoniBottsBumgina Thu 02-May-13 08:07:58

(hi garlic - yes it's me smile )

BeCool Thu 02-May-13 10:08:06

So I was preparing for DD2's 2nd birthday last night - baked a cake, prepared the decorations, getting presents wrapped for this morning etc etc and I momentarily felt a little sad that I was doing all this alone.

And then I remembered I did it all on my own pre-split anyway - every birthday, Xmas, holiday etc - it was always down to me to make the preparations, make the plans, get everything together, do the shopping etc. If I asked ExP to help he'd huff and puff, but insist he was involved, but not do anything until absolutely the last minute - causing lots of stress for all. He'd ask for my help as 'he didn't have enough time' etc etc. It was a huge pain in the arse, caused lots of stress, and I ended up doing everything anyway. It was easier not to ask - and then he would ask 10pm on the night before - is there anything I can do?

So the same feelings of loneliness in and out of the relationship, but now I don't have the feelings of stress, harassment and disappointment caused by him continually opting out.

fromparistoberlin Thu 02-May-13 10:30:47

"I now understand why my mum ignored the fact my stepdad abused me,

sweetheart, her advice is not worth SHIT

I understand your fears, and only you can decide. but being single is NOT the end of the world, and agree that for every single woman, there is a single man (unless muntiple marriages have swelled). OK its a 51 to 49% rate, bit have faith

dont listen to her, listen to what you want

Sunshineandflowers Thu 02-May-13 12:53:30

It's so difficult. It's like I'm continually weighing things up.

So last night he did some ironing for me (job not home stuff). Which is really good isn't it? But he was rude about dinner "why exactly are we having this??" Then no further conversation for the entire evening apart from one word answers or grunts. Then one of the DC was ill so I had to squash into her bed because if I take her in our (king size) it disturbs his sleep. I just keep looking at him and thinking how much I don't like him.

garlicyoni Thu 02-May-13 12:59:42

I don't like him, either!

Honestly, how is this difficult? You are living with - sharing your space with, sleeping with - a person you don't like, and who is rude to you.

Did somebody tell you to do this? To put yourself through it, inflict a grumpy home environment on your children, to tolerate insult? If so, what do you think of their opinion?

JennyMackerz Thu 02-May-13 13:05:18

Sunshine, I used to write lists endlessly. pros of staying, pros of leaving. And then, cons of staying, cons of leaving. I stared at the clear evidence telling me to leave and just re-jigged the questions slightly. don't OVER analyse it. You're not happy with him. You don't like it. To hell with the ironing and the dinner, ykwim.

Fluffycloudland77 Thu 02-May-13 13:07:29

When sil left her oh she got £500 a month in tax credits etc, it really helped her though a tight spot.

Plus free prescriptions and dental.

wordyBird Thu 02-May-13 13:08:47

Yes, to garlic and Jenny's posts!
Add me to the list because I don't like him either. sad
Life can be better, starting today.

Lweji Thu 02-May-13 14:32:33

he did some ironing for me

Your clothes, or his?

(I don't like him either, BTW)

Sunshineandflowers Thu 02-May-13 14:43:34

Neither! I do ironing as a job to earn a bit of money. Admittedly it's "my money" in that it goes on the odd coffee/ice creams for the DC etc, so it was genuinely a favour he did for me.

Lovingfreedom Thu 02-May-13 14:51:12

1. no - plenty of things to do to pass the time.
2. er...maybe very slightly with some (insecure) people, but not generally. Probably less invitations to do coupley things...but how much would you really miss those anyway?
3. definitely not. Most guys realise that women of my age (not sure how old you are) are quite likely to have kids. Either they have them too...or they are fine with yours (or if they're not interested in kids they might avoid you. hasn't happened to me)
4. Nope! Definitely not!

Lweji Thu 02-May-13 14:52:26

Not really a favour to you.
It was something he did to get more money into the household.

Regardless, these people always have some good points, or else their partners would have left ages ago.

I have said this in another thread, but for me it's not so much the balance but whether you can live with the bad parts.
Can you live with the silence?
Can you live with his comments?

garlicyoni Thu 02-May-13 15:15:28

If you came round my house and did a bit of ironing, or some of my work, I'd be grateful. If you did while being grimly passive-aggressive, giving me the silent treatment and barking the occasional put-down, I would not have you anywhere near my house again. I certainly wouldn't sleep with you!

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 02-May-13 15:27:02

Just adding my stone to the general edifice of "not only have I never wished I'd stayed, I regret not doing it sooner"

You deserve happiness, sunshine. Your current marriage is a drain on your happiness. And that won't change unless he changes (which he clearly doesn't want to do), or you leave. Only leaving is within your power: if he's demonstrated that he is unwilling to change, then it is time for you to take the only action you can and that is left you.

I have been single 2 years:

- I never sit home alone and lonely, as I have built a fantastic new life for myself. When I am home alone, I am not lonely, iyswim.

- If anyone thinks I want to steal their partner, they are twats. Can't say I've noticed anyone thinking that way in my circle. And even if they did, what of it? Their problem, not mine.

- I am proud of myself every day for leaving a deeply unhappy and unbalanced marriage. It truly is my greatest achievement, in terms of forging a more fulfilling life for myself.

lubeybooby Thu 02-May-13 15:37:57

Whaaa?

I'm sorry about your mums experience but being single is what you make it. If you look at it negatively and focus on the past or whats been lost etc and sit indoors feeling miserable then yes you're going to hate it.

I LOVE it and have not lived with anyone for nearly 6 years now so count myself as single really all that time.

I have had a couple of relationships of varying seriousness, a lot of dates, and a few 'friend with benefits'

I just love it so much. I don't ever go without sex or company, I go out a lot, it's awesome

the only downside is being responsible for everything financially. I don't think it fair to move some poor bloke in just for his money so therefore I don't do it

I keep my space and my own schedule and I like it that way. I don't see myself even getting into a serious relationship again til my DD is settled with uni and living away. Which is about 3 years away and I'm fine with that wink

badtime Thu 02-May-13 15:39:55

Sunshine, how is ice-cream for your children something that should come from 'your' money? Is your husband controlling financially?

Anyway, why are you paying any attention to what your mother says about this?

She would rather be with someone who was abusing her daughter than be single, even possibly for a short time. That is not normal. It may be that watching her fucked-up relationship style has influenced you more than you realise, and you feel you have to endure your horrible relationship, and be grateful for any nugget of civility that comes your way.

I was single for 5 years. I am now in a lovely relationship with a lovely man, but there are a lot of things I miss about singleness (the stuff about making one's own decisions without negotiation, mainly). Do it.

badtime Thu 02-May-13 15:49:51

Also, I meant to say, it is not surprising your mother fears being alone so much. She clearly doesn't like herself, if she needs the validation of a relationship at all times, and being alone with her thoughts would mean she would have to face up to the fact that she allowed her daughter to be abused for her own selfish reasons.

This doesn't apply to you, so you will be fine.

InNeedOfSense Thu 02-May-13 16:03:55

I'm recently separated from my h. I was very lonely in my marriage for a long time, and, tbh, I'm only just starting the process of working through the feelings / issues I need to learn from. My head is a bit pre-occupied, and I'm having many sad moments. But this week has been easier than last week, which was easier than the previous week.

There's an ancient proverb that says something along the lines of 'there is nothing sadder in all creation than a married woman who is unloved.' I used to cry when I read that. It still makes me well up now, typing it here. sad

In the last month, since h left, I've done so many positive things towards making a nice life for me and my dc, I've spent time with people whom I love and respect, and I've not felt anywhere near that level of gut-wrenching loneliness. Yes, I've had many sad moments, and I know I'm still in the middle of all the loss-breveavement type reactions, but I am genuinely doing okay. I had a nightmare last night which was to do with someone persuading me to take h back, and being coerced into going back to him and feeling as if I had no choice but to do so , and it was the worst dream I've had for a very long time , and I woke up in a panic and realised (once I realised it was a dream) that my subconcious was telling me that being forced to go back to h would be the very worst thing I can imagine. sad that I feel like this, but there's a great long back story, as there always is.

So far I don't regret h leaving. So far none of my friends, or their partner / husband has seen me as a threat. So far men have just been nice to me smile. So far it is much more like soul restoration than soul destroying.

Whatever you do, I hope you find true hapiness in life. smile

lubeybooby Thu 02-May-13 17:14:29

"So far it is much more like soul restoration than soul destroying"

Yes, absolutely this.

MumnGran Thu 02-May-13 17:38:32

Sunshine, I have just been reading back over this thread, and one sentence has stuck in my mind like glue"

"But I'd love to have an evening where I didn't dread the key in the lock"

Being on your own means you never have to feel that way again, and it is the best feeling in the world. You may have tough times, you may have lonely times, you may sometimes wonder where it all went wrong but none of those emotions come anywhere close to the dreadful feelings of living with an abuser.

Somewhere, hiding inside, is your self-esteem. Being single helps to find that again, and if that is all you ever get from it .....its well worth having. Being a mother doesn't automatically qualify you to be a decent individual let alone anything else......there are several threads here on toxic parenting. I think you need to turn to a really good friend for support, instead. Just someone who doesn't have their own agenda.
x
x
x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now