Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Lumbered with OM

(138 Posts)
kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 20:04:58

Just wondered if this ever happened to anyone. Me and OM mutually split a while back (though I cared deeply for him but he is married with children). Then he calls to say he wants to talk to his wife and wants to reveal all/separate etc. At that point I think it hit me - I could never trust him/would not want to inflict any hurt on wife/children/he is selfish/self obsessed/boring. I have told him not to be so ridiculous and to pull out all the stops to save his marriage since he has children. Up until now I thought I would be ecstatic if he left his wife but this has been a MASS reality check. Glad I had the wake up call, but really hoping he doesn't carry out his plan and I end up lumbered with OM.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 29-Apr-13 20:13:50

Why would you end up with him? You can say "no" at any time. And I'm glad for you that you recognize that since he cheated with you, that it isn't a great leap for him to cheat on you.

Btw, whether knowingly or not, the moment you found out he was married w/kids, you were a part of hurting them, whether or not he ever leaves them. Just saying.

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 20:17:22

I hear you and have mass guilt, don't worry about that. Though I like to think if they don't know they are not hurting but I know how fucked that sounds.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 20:20:58

are you for real ?

akaWisey Mon 29-Apr-13 20:33:48

Can't be AF.

Just can't be.

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 20:35:13

yes - i'm sorry if I sound like an idiot, AnyFucker - you're my post hero btw.

maristella Mon 29-Apr-13 20:38:27

Erm, you could be a really good match for each other confused

spiritedaway Mon 29-Apr-13 20:40:52

Ethical dilemmas aside i would guess he just fancies a roll on his side plate again and has no intention of scraping his dinner into the bin. You're right. . Sure he's an untrustworthy Bastard probably just telling you what he thinks you want to hear to get you back.

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 20:44:48

Thanks spirited - you're probably right. Any sorry everyone else - it wasn't my intention to come across so badly. I really am trying to process the guilt any way I can. If I could turn back time, I obviously would.

whattodoo Mon 29-Apr-13 20:47:08

I agree with spirited. I think he wants another go with you.

If you've any self respect, I'd cut all contact with him.

And, for what its worth, regardless of whether it hurt his family while it was going on, it has the potential to hurt them now or at any time in the future when the bomb drops.

IDoTakeTwo Mon 29-Apr-13 20:47:35

Seriously?

Seriously? I have to repeat. No shit Sherlock. It has just dawned on you that a piece of crap who fucked over his wife and family may not be a prince among men?

Astonishing.

We're you expecting congratulations on your lucky escape? Or admiration for your insight?

Read some more of the heartbreak on here about devoted wives (and some husbands) who have their whole lives trashed becuase of selfish, stupid, sleazy affairs like this.

I wonder if she has clocked this, binned him and he wants somewhere to stay. I certainly hope so, becuase you two deserve each other.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Mon 29-Apr-13 20:47:50

I think you had better hurry up and tell him YOU are absolutely not interested, otherwise you might find he finishes with her anyway.
BE HONEST!!!

akaWisey Mon 29-Apr-13 20:49:50

Well I'd suggest you'd better sit with the guilt then, surely?

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 20:53:48

I'd call it karma, baby

This Prince Among Men turns up on your doorstep with his dick cap in his hand, the shittest suitcase out of the family Set Of Three and a month's worth of skiddy undies for you to lovingly wash.

beautiful

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 20:54:21

I appreciate your point of view IDoTakeTwo and I am not on here for any of the back-patting 'go girl' replies you suggest.

I feel that infidelity is not the cut and dried selfish sleaze-fest you imagine - way more complex i'm afraid.

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 20:56:27

Oh god! i was just typing out my last response to come back to this barrage! Shit!

"I feel that infidelity is not the cut and dried selfish sleaze-fest you imagine - way more complex i'm afraid."

OK. there's me with my stupid little post-grad brain, totally unable to understand why YOU and HE were SO different to every other sordid little shag on the side, which other people REALLY didn't understand.

Trust me. Women on this board have written the fucking BOOK on infidelity - those who have done it, those who have suffered.

It really IS that cut and dried. You DON'T FUCK ANOTHER PERSON'S PARTNER UNTIL THEY ARE OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

Capitals to help the weak-brained out there... alright?

Please. You have NO fucking idea how insulting you are to women - and men - on this board who have been through the wringer because of OM/OW. (You're the OW, btw.)

Don't come on here whining that you're a bit different.

See above. (referring to entitled bit...)

whattodoo Mon 29-Apr-13 20:58:34

Why did you post? What were you expecting?

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:00:08

Okay people. I've opened a can of mass proportions. Sorry. Didn't realise these boards were only for women who have never made a mistake.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 29-Apr-13 21:07:12

The problem is, you don't seem to recognise that you have made a mistake. A bit more humble might have got more sympathy.

Georgebooboo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:10:44

I think it really depends on what u call a mistake. Falling into bed with another woman's husband isn't just a mistake by any stretch of the imagination. Speaking from experience i would say you deserve each other. So lets hope he does leave his wife and turn up on your door step. You can then live with the reality that one day he will shag around on you whilst his lovely wife will have chance to meet someone who she really deserves and not be living with a snake in the grass!!!

Shinigami Mon 29-Apr-13 21:11:42

biscuit
When you posted this did you think you wouldn't get flamed?

akaWisey Mon 29-Apr-13 21:12:06

Well I've never insulted ANYONE here. But I feel I have to say:

I hope you're a better shag than you are at sarcasm (which by the way gives the lie to your so-called guilt. You're not guilty AT ALL but wanted some attention).

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:12:53

hi LEM. I realise that now. I know I've made a mistake of mass proportions (in life, not on the board - though maybe that too!)

akaWisey Mon 29-Apr-13 21:14:22

Have to hide this thread now. Another first.

DontmindifIdo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:15:07

OP - stepping back a bit, you aren't unusual to feel this way once a married man is going to actually leave his wife and it all becomes real - I have a friend who's been the OW twice (that i know of) - both times when it looked like she was really going to "win" she went off them.

She both times has different reasons she gave to her friends, but really it was a combination of enjoying the thrill of the chase/the challenge of pulling a man she couldn't have (particuarly seemed to enjoy making him give up family time for her), and not actually wanting a commited relationship - she will argue otherwise, but never really wants to do the living together, "who's turn is it to put the bins out?" "can you put your dirty pants in the basket!" type relationship - her last one that lasted a long time was with a man who lived at the other end of the country (but unmarried - thankfully) and then she lost interest once he'd started getting job interviews in her town and talking about moving in with her. (I stepped away from her a few years ago and don't know her most recent romantic dramas - we're facebook friends only and she's officially 'single' on there, so could well be the OW again).

First things first, make it clear to him that even if he leaves his DW, you don't want to be together - be very, very, very clear you aren't just testing him, it's over if he leaves her or not. Then cut contact, let him decide what he wants to do.

After that, you might want to assess why you felt the need to go for a man you couldn't have. It obviously wasn't that he's the love of your life, so was it that you were avoiding a relationship that could lead to proper commitment, or that you were enjoying the 'naughtiness', the chase of getting a man you really couldn't have etc... best you look at that before you think about dating anyone else.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 29-Apr-13 21:17:39

You describe him as the OM, does this imply you are married/in a relationship? Do you have children? How did you get invloved with this pillock? He sounds quite weak tbh.

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:17:44

akaWisey - You have no idea about the extent of my guilt. Sorry you've broken your clean record re: insults - we're not all saints on here then?

Thanks for the bic Shinigami. Sheesh.

DontmindifIdo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:17:56

BTW - do not think for one second that if he does turn up on your doorstep having left his DW, you are under any obligation to take him in and are stuck with him.

You don't have to be with anyone you don't want to be. Don't feel you do.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 29-Apr-13 21:19:47

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:22:07

Hi Dontmind - and THANKS for the post - it is really helpful. I know why I got into it and contrary to the beliefs on this thread it was for extremely complex reasons while I was very vulnerable/at an all time low - I will not go into details for fear of 'woe is me' insults that will no doubt come my way. Honestly thanks for the advice.

LEM - I got the abbreive wrong - he is MM - i am single.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 29-Apr-13 21:23:20

Then you should be addressing your own issues instead of wrecking other people's lives to make you feel better.

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

devilinme Mon 29-Apr-13 21:26:12

OP you have entered the arena of the self-righteous where OW is a dirty word. It brings them all out.

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:27:57

thanks for the moral devilinme! Every time i refresh i'm getting palpitations!

AuntieStella Mon 29-Apr-13 21:29:06

It's the basic alignment with those who will be the unwitting victims of the affair (DCs and faithful spouse), rather than with the perpetrators.

Bit like I sympathise with the victims of a mugging than with the mugger and co-conspirator. And mugging is much, much easier to get over than infidelity.

Leverette Mon 29-Apr-13 21:29:13

Fully agree with Dontmind's posts - this is your opportunity to examine why and how this happened when it's evidently in discord with your values

I'm sorry you're being vehemently attacked here, but you must appreciate that there are a lot of people who have experienced the life-changing betrayal and family destruction wreaked by their unfaithful husbands

You shouldn't be treated as a scapegoat for others' pain though

devilinme Mon 29-Apr-13 21:29:37

Don't fret, there are plenty of lurkers who won't post yet understand

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:32:39

thanks Leverette and devilinme - i really appreciate your understanding and never wanted to come across as the classic OW selfish slut stereotype but it appears I have.

devilinme Mon 29-Apr-13 21:34:57

Most OW are stereotyped here, its the rules of engagement

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 21:35:01

It was the tone of the original post that was waaaaay off.

Almost joking, certainly no thought for anyone but herself. It's not going to go down well on a site like this, and nor should it.

And now Op is acting like a victim because of a few harsh words from strangers. You couldn't make it up.

Shlurpbop Mon 29-Apr-13 21:36:40

Anyone ever read that book "Getting rid of Matthew"?

Think the OP has decided to use the plot of that book as an idea for a post.

If not, maybe you should read it OP - get some tips.

AuntieStella Mon 29-Apr-13 21:38:09

You are much closer to that stereotype than you want to think. The pattern of the affair, whether you are erring spouse or OM/OW, is depressingly familiar and facing up to the realisation that yo haven't done something special or unique may be an important part of the process if you don,t want to be a serial OW.

This website, Baggage Reclaim, might make interesting reading for you.

devilinme Mon 29-Apr-13 21:38:44

so much for an open forum, where one can come for advice flaming from the pious

I think the OP did a pretty good job of stereotyping herself here, she did not need any of us, or our "imagination" to achieve that.

I am just waiting for the lurkers to come out of the woodwork and do a merry dance with op in delight that they too shagged and shunned, as they got a last minute light bulb moment. hmm

devilinme Mon 29-Apr-13 21:39:50

don't bother with Baggage Reclaim, Shirley Glass et al....

devilinme, did you join purely to support the op?

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 21:40:17

Sometimes the best advice is not soothing words, but a mirror held up.

Trill Mon 29-Apr-13 21:41:12

I have read that book, now you mention it.

I think I wanted to give the woman a bit of a slap. Or at least a good talking-to.

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:41:18

I hear you AF - I typed it out a post on a forum and sent it - Looking back I should have sounded less flippant, but FFS - what a shitstorm! I am not now playing victim - i'm trying to respond to the posts and elaborate where I can and defend myself if possible.

Trill Mon 29-Apr-13 21:42:08

Sorry, I've read the chicklit-type Getting Rid of Matthew, not the self help book. smile

devilinme Mon 29-Apr-13 21:42:14

Now why would I have just joined a nest of vipers Quint?

Oh, so you havent joined?

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:43:51

AF - good advice re: mirror but this is not a mirror, these people do not know me or my circumstances at all.

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:44:23

Sorry you are taking some of the heat devilinme!

TheChaoGoesMu Mon 29-Apr-13 21:44:26

You should let him move in with you. You deserve each other. Might be hard for the wife at first when she realises what a cheating scumbag her dh is, but in time she might actually meet a decent bloke with decent values. Go on, take him in, do the wife a favour.

Trill Mon 29-Apr-13 21:44:36

OP you are at no point lumbered with anyone. That is not how relationships work. You can choose to be in them.

AuntieStella Mon 29-Apr-13 21:47:32

Why not Baggage Reclaim, btw?

Jemma1111 Mon 29-Apr-13 21:48:46

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 21:49:03

"These people" have heard it all before.

Your story is creakingly and depressingly familiar you see.

The details might alter slightly. But bottom line, two utterly selfish people meet and create a drama and fuck everyone else

Perhaps you think your "details" somehow mitigate ?

Maybe they do, maybe they don't. Maybe if you'd explained instead of inviting women who have been on the receiving end of scenarios like this to join you in your flippancy, you wouldn't have got the reaction you did.

Fleecyslippers Mon 29-Apr-13 21:50:58

So flippant and nasty about destroying the loves of another human being and her children. What has gone so badly wrong in your life OP that you are reduced to this ?

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:52:01

If you can't beat em, join em eh Jemma1111 - thanks for that - super helpful.

I know AF. I know.

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:53:42

I'm not in the mood to bare my sole right now Fleecyslippers. Plus I doubt you are genuinely interested.

Jemma1111 Mon 29-Apr-13 21:56:03

Why post on a public forum then Op ?

Oh and its 'soul'

Shlurpbop Mon 29-Apr-13 21:56:42

Just as AF says.

And bear in mind that this fucked up drama can affect many people and last for years and years and years...

That's why you'll be unlikely to get much sympathy around here.

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:56:55

I know - i tried to edit the post re: my typo - think it's cos i was thinking about fleecyslippers!

DontmindifIdo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:57:49

OP - end your relationship with him, cut him out (if you work together, get your CV updated and out), the damage to his life from his behaviour, while you helped cause it, is not your responsibility now. It's his alone, don't let the narrative become that he's given up/risked everything for you, because if you allow that, then you will feel you are 'stuck' with him. If he leaves his wife, he'll be giving that relationship up for his own selfish reasons, not for you - no man leaves his family for the OW, he leaves because he wants to leave them and wants to be with the OW - he leaves for himself. So while you can feel guilt towards the wife and children, do not feel a gram of guilt about what he's going through.

Take some time to reassess why you acted the way you did. And if you find yourself tempted by a man you can't have (because he's married, or lives the other end of the country, or a million other reasons) stop and think why are you chosing a relationship which will only end in heartache.

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:57:52

Jemma - it's a public forum - EXACTLY, not a public execution!!

Fleecyslippers Mon 29-Apr-13 21:59:35

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Do you have any idea of the devastation you are causing? Really truly any idea?

OliviaMMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 29-Apr-13 22:00:39

Evening all
i'm having to post the talk guidelines a lot this evening
Peace and love

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 22:01:01

Thanks for coming back Dontmind - phew! I really appreciate your advice - thank you flowers

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 22:02:22

Dontmind is giving you great advice.

Jemma1111 Mon 29-Apr-13 22:04:59

It seems that in all honesty the OP doesn't give a flying fuck for the devastation she's caused (along with this twat of a man) and now is in sheer panic at the thought of putting up with him. She can't be feeling ANY guilt towards his wife, afterall she shagged HER husband.

AuntieStella Mon 29-Apr-13 22:07:44

If you like Dontmind's post, then Iurge you again to look at Baggage Reclaim. And have a Tonkin about whether you are actually Ms Unavailable. Not necessarily in the married/partnered sense, but more in wanting an unavailable man and, when he might just become available, running for the hills.

It is a common scenario, and if you don't want it to become the pattern of your life (selecting men who are unavailable because of relationship status or because they are damaged in some way) then it might help you to look at the reasons for these choices.

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 22:08:10

Genuinely sorry to anyone I have offended by my initial post.

Please be aware that on the other side of the computer is just a normal human being who has made mistakes. When you are typing out an insult out onto your keyboard and pressing send - you do not know me or what I have been through (sorry that that sounds victimy). The gang bullying mentality here is so fucked up.

I'm leaving the thread. Enjoy yourselves.

fuckitybollocks Mon 29-Apr-13 22:09:04

The poor wife and children. So now she will be second choice. That hurts trust me. You have done one of the nastiest things anyone can do to another person. And now you have changed your mind. For fucks sake.

fuckitybollocks Mon 29-Apr-13 22:10:30

I don't know what you have been through, but have a fair idea of the pain you will have caused.

AuntieStella Mon 29-Apr-13 22:11:05

It's not a gang. It's collective experience. Emotionally limited relationships, in which both partners are unavailable for whatever reason, tend to bring great unhappiness both to those who engage in them and to those who are the collateral damage.

Fleecyslippers Mon 29-Apr-13 22:11:37

You didn't make mistakes. You made CHOICES.

sarahjaye Mon 29-Apr-13 22:12:20

Before you go, take some time to read some of the threads on this page about the utter devastation affairs cause.

It might give you some idea as to why you're receiving the responses you are.

Just a thought.

Spaghettio Mon 29-Apr-13 22:13:19

OP - I recently posted about a friendship query I had and was roundly flamed for my relationship with my partner. There are a lot of people on here that project their own insecurities onto any poster who doesn't do as they would. Please don't take it to heart.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 22:13:45

It's not gang mentality, KLR

Each respondent has their individual opinion and their own reasons for replying as they have.

IDoTakeTwo Mon 29-Apr-13 22:14:38

I did not insult or bully you.

I described the low behaviour of your sex partner and your inability to see it.

I really hope his wife kicks him into touch.

Marriage vows and then raising children manage to be very simple concepts and yet hard work to do well in spirit and deed, so no, I don't think a quick shag is particularly complex for me to understand.

Have you ever been married? Had children with your husband? Built a life together? Then had your committed partner fuck it up out of selfishness with someone who cares not a jot?

That is complex to understand.

Leaving the fridge door open is a mistake, incorrect spelling is a mistake. Shagging another woman's husband for ones own fun and pleasure (and causing a family to split up) is not a mistake, that is a choice. An inhuman one, at that.

Liara Mon 29-Apr-13 22:17:28

Well, I'm going to get absolutely slammed and that's just too bad, but I really don't think you should be feeling so guilty.

I have known a number of men who left their wives for the OW. Some of them are still happily married to the OW many years later, some are not.

All of them would have left their wives sooner or later. In fact, with most of them I told my dh 'affair coming soon here' a few months before it happened. The reason they started the affair was that they wanted out, and could not bring themselves to leave their children unless they felt that they were 'in love' with someone else (whether this was truth or fiction).

I have never seen anyone who wasn't already pretty much checked out of their marriage be made to do it by an OW.

And that is even leaving aside the fact that his marriage is a contract he entered into, and you did not...

You make a choice when you shag someone else's husband.

I'd guarantee most of us have been propositioned or had it hinted at by an attached man.

What makes me a decent moral human being is the fact that I didn't act on it.

boyfromipinema Mon 29-Apr-13 22:28:06

What she's done is bad, but is it possible that initially she didn't know he was married? I can't recall reading if she did or not? If she didn't, then the deceit is down to him. Perhaps she learned later he was, but by then was in love and therefore it was difficult to break ties? I think she also wrote that the relationship ended. Perhaps it was because she felt guilt?
I'm just speculating. Perhaps the man has done this before to his wife? Perhaps she has done it to him? At the end of the day with the information provided this far we don't know.
Not nice for the poor kids though.

Looksgoodingravy Mon 29-Apr-13 22:30:09

The ripples of deceit spread far and wide.

I'm sure that OM's wife will already have an instinct that something isn't quite right at home, she may be suspicious and checking emails etc, she may think she is losing her mind as her 'd'h seems distant. She may think she's paranoid and is being pathetic. She may be posting on Mumsnet because of all the above!

Now you fear you're going to get 'lumbered' with somebody else's 'd'h!

Feeling guilty about that right now is the least you deserve!

I cannot understand why you posted in such a blasé way. You must have read posts on infidelity and the fall out afterwards. What did you expect from the majority of posters, a warm hug and a pat on the back?

Sorry but you're going to have to suffer the consequences of your actions.

And don't get me started on OM!

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 30-Apr-13 00:13:36

Choices can be mistaken, surely?

skyebluesapphire Tue 30-Apr-13 00:35:05

So glad you decided to wait until he wants to leave his wife before you decide that you don't want him. Causes much better devastation doesn't it hmm maybe oneday when you have a child who cries and wants to know when daddy is coming home again you will understand what a betrayal it is for a man to leave his family.

Your flippant post is an insult to women on here who have had their families broken up by selfish people. " oh dearie me, I've had some fun now I don't want him but may be stuck with him". Would serve you right if you were.

I suggest you grow up before you have another relationship, hopefully with somebody single next time.

squibb Tue 30-Apr-13 01:06:38

If you've come to find sympathy on MN, you know where you will find it?

Somewhere between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

Christ alive woman, some due diligence could have been applied when it comes to the reception you were likely to get here. But anyway, it's just a a forum, and nobody is forcing your read it now, although maybe you have email notifications on? (might want to kill that off!)

So anyway. You messed up, he messed up, it's all messed up. You need to go full no contact, hope he gets things sorted with his wife and never bothers you again. You need to find someone single to hook up with future, and use your experience of this to lead a better life.

Don't fook about looking for some acceptance on here, you are the devil incarnate as far as much of MN is concerned. But do go out and live your life as best you can, and make good choices.

Tata...

Mosman Tue 30-Apr-13 01:19:21

Karma ... Please let it exist

DottyboutDots Tue 30-Apr-13 04:59:42

OP. I feel sympathy for you but this forum is for women who have been cheated on and they are, quite rightly, bitter about it. I think your posts have value as you've had an epiphany about the quality of the bloke that you've been shagging and that might help people except for wives who have taken their husbands back.

Karma doesn't exist Mosman, if it did, why did your husband do what he did to you?

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 30-Apr-13 06:29:18

"This forum is for women who have been cheated on".

Since when?

OP- If you haven't hidden the thread. Your ex will soon find another OW to shag, don't worry. It's what they do. He will probably end up either leaving his wife or shagging other women with her knowledge (because she will never again no not never, believe he isn't and that's why you receive, as an ex "OW" on here the vitriol. Because a woman whose husband has been caught out, will never again, probably not even if she lives to be 110, truly believe in her heart of hearts he's not still doing it. The paranoia and suspicion and trying to put a smile on for the public and saying shite like "our relationship is now stronger than ever" is a front for all that jittering going on inside.

If he does continue to beg you to walk off into the sunset with him, just, just, dunno, laugh at him or something?

Take care and good luck.

Jemma1111 Tue 30-Apr-13 06:32:01

liara

You say that the OP shouldn't be feeling so guilty . Well let's hope that you are never in the position of finding out your H has been having an affair .

If he ever does , then believe me you will quite rightly think the OW to be the lowest of the low .
For all you know one of your friends could be saying to their H 'affair coming soon here' about YOU

Jemma1111 Tue 30-Apr-13 06:33:13

Talking about you and your H I meant to say.

mummytime Tue 30-Apr-13 06:39:58

Have you read "Getting Rid of Matthew"?

Btw as a happily married mner I'd like to say that not everyone has their judgey pants yank quite as high as some of the people here. But have you OP ever read the posts in relationships? Maybe if you had thought you would have done better to post in AIBU?

fromparistoberlin Tue 30-Apr-13 06:57:38

for all we know OP could be

abused
depressed
have experienced a major trauma
been bereaved

and yet....as she shagged a married man she is fair game for a fucking battering

maybe she is young, and does not have a clue. I k
now know at my grand old age, and with DC the devastation it causes

I suspect aged 25, I would not have a clue

Its sooooooo sooooooo easy to write nasty words at her, people might be hurting and see her as an easy target. I guess so

threads like this give MN and relationships a bad reputation

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 30-Apr-13 07:02:34

What I always find bizarre in a way, is that when the Wronged Wife is posting, the same posters on here who are laying into this OP in such a vile way, are the ones who will trot out (quite rightly IMO) the "forget the OW, it's the man who you need to get angry with etc etc". But blimeyheck, if ever a OW dares to admit on here that's that what she is, it's like the long night of the fucking knives.

AuntieStella Tue 30-Apr-13 07:06:33

If she had posted about any of those things, fromparistoberlin they would have been factors in the replies.

Instead, she took a tacky, gleeful drafting style in OP, and did not bring in any additional background. I do not see the need to invent it for her.

CabbageLeaves Tue 30-Apr-13 07:10:30

I'm struggling to believe this post is genuine tbh (awaits deleting)

It would be a bit like an burglar saying they'd attacked and hurt a family during armed robbery and now they can't sell the TV so might have to keep it and its not their choice of TV. So they might return it...and hope this family isn't hurt anymore.

Advice:
You don't have to keep the TV but please don't return it because the family would be better off with another one and no further contact from you

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 30-Apr-13 07:12:34

NotTreading -its the flippant tone of her OP that is getting us riled hmm

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 30-Apr-13 07:16:11

I know her OP was off-kilter Choc, but she has been apologising for that for the past 5 pages.

DottyboutDots Tue 30-Apr-13 09:13:28

Nottreeadin I do feel sorry for the OP and think that more than a few posters are very heavy handed with their vitriol but, on here, I always presume they are on here as they have an agenda/ been wronged. In RL, my friends aren't quite so into a public burning on this issue. Nor are they bring out the bunting either but just abit more considered ingeneral.

The internet screen can bring out the best and worst in people.

Her op is a massive kick in the teeth to any wife, really.

Not only has she shagged the married man, he wants to leave his family for her, and op portrays herself as the only person to want to fight for his marriage - so that she does not end up with a cheating nob. Nice! There is not really any comeback, or any mitigating circumstances to that.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 09:45:12

I haven't been "wronged" (not in this generation, anyway)

Assuming posters who don't give OW an easy ride have "issues/an agenda" is a very lazy generalisation.

fromparistoberlin Tue 30-Apr-13 11:38:35

"Instead, she took a tacky, gleeful drafting style in OP,

Yes. and then she said sorry, and again, and again.......

but people still kicking her

she may well have fucked up, but as NOTTREADIN says.....anyone who says they are an OW gets crucified

there might be someone out there who is really hurting, so please dont take your vitriol out on her, its rather unkind

AuntieStella Tue 30-Apr-13 11:52:54

Actually, not all OW women get kicked. And some 'regualars' in relationships post with the benefit of their own experience as an OW.

And if you look at this thread you will see it's not a ganging up. It is a set of views of individual posters, but they add up to a similar message: affairs cause misery - and the worst outcome for OP woukd be to fail to learn from it (the whole experience, not the thread, though perhaps it might inspire her to look at it from fresh angles).

And she started by asking if anyone else had wanted to reject a man as soon as he wanted to make a commitment. That is indeed very common, and points to her own emotional unavailability. Now, if she wants a series of FWB because she doesn't want commitment, that's fine. But she does need to think about the impact of affairs, and stick to partners who aren't married/partnered.

There is also the possibility that she has barriers to commitment that she would rather be free from. In which case, she needs to work on them before seeking a relationship. It is really hard to see our own barriers. A bit of straight talking here, showing how dysfunctional her attitudes are to this married man, might just be a spur to change.

He is a cheater, and the only ones I feel sorry for is his betrayed wife and children. He is responsible to them.

OP isn't, but she is responsible to herself. Her tragedy would be if she fails, by closing her eyes to the impact, to learn from experience.

PeppermintPasty Tue 30-Apr-13 12:01:37

I was just about to post something similar AuntieStella. I was a stupid ow many years ago, about 23 years ago now, in fact. I had zero experience, thought he loved me above all others, arf, and was living in a fantasy world.

I knew he was married, I clinged on. Looking back, I was that supreme cliche-young girl looking for love, believing that what "we" had was worth fighting for.

It wasn't. He'd done it before. No doubt he did it again. I am ashamed of my behaviour.

I hope the op gets out and away, and grows up. She must learn from this experience, and quite frankly, coming on here is part of that. Short sharp shock, nothing wrong with that.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 12:04:32

Since Op has left the thread (allegedly) then MN isn't going to help her learn from this experience, nor assist her in making the same mistakes again.

the mistakes are universal, predictable and signpostable.

If you acknowledge your wiring is fucked, and don't take the 'ump when you get called on your awful behaviour.

Playing the "victim" card is one way to ensure you make the same mistakes in the future.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 12:05:03

not making the same mistakes again smile

PeppermintPasty Tue 30-Apr-13 12:06:16

Oh bugger, I missed that, she's flounced? Ah well....

classifiedinformation Tue 30-Apr-13 12:17:46

Kenickie, I too have made a mistake, except I wasn't the ow, he was the om. I was only unfaithful once (no long term affair) and I have completely crucified myself since it happened. I have accepted full responsibility for what happened and refuse to allow my partner to blame things solely on the om, it was totally my fault that I made the wrong decision!

My partner and I are receiving counselling which he is benefitting from (happily). However, the thing stopping us going forward is my guilt and my inability to forgive myself. My partner is very upset about how much I loathe myself and the counsellor has suggested I see her alone as I need to work through my self hatred.

I am not posting because I want a pat on the back for being ashamed and disgusted at my behaviour, more to let you know op, that people do make mistakes and it does not make us inherently evil or sleazy bitches no matter how others judge. I suggest you get counseling to work through why the affair happened, how it has affected you and how to make sure it doesn't happen again.

It is tremendously important to really understand yourself/personality traits/emotional issues so that you learn more about yourself and can move forward.

You do not need to be with the om if he leaves his wife, make that very clear and cut all contact for a clean break.

Good luck.

Hopingtobehappy Tue 30-Apr-13 12:29:33

OP you have been flamed and whilst it is 'understandable' why some have been like they are, please do not assume that everyone feels that way about you.

My H cheated on me several times years before we split, I found out and we tried to work it out. It didnt work in the end, because we werent right for each other, which is why he cheated on me !!

I fully understand how it feels to be cheated on, its horrible, its undescriable pain, but its NOT THE END OF THE WORLD (although it perhaps feels like it at the time) and whatever anyone says about cheaters cheating on their children, THAT I dont agree with for a second. Your cheat on your partner, not on your children.

Nobody here knows what this mans marriage is like. It cant be that great otherwise he wouldnt have cheated.

I acted like a bloody angel when my H cheated on me, as though butter wouldnt melt and it was all his fault. Looking back things werent right and we should have dealt with it differently all round.

I understand cheating from both sides (not going into details with the other side) and its bloody painful from wherever you look at it! being the OW (or the OM) does not make you a bad person and affairs are NOT as sleazy as they are portrayed on here, although I do understand that can make the W feel better to think of it like that.

I do not think you are a bad person OP, I think that you are asking for help. This is a site for relationships and I would say that included the ones that are not 'conventional'

I hope that you come back OP, because I for one will support you.

PoppyAmex Tue 30-Apr-13 12:46:50

Dude, the complaint on your OP is like killing your parents and begging the judge for mercy because you're an orphan.

Can't say your flippant style inspires sympathy and I'm not (to my knowledge) a "wronged wife".

Hope you make better choices in the future. Good luck.

classifiedinformation Tue 30-Apr-13 12:55:46

A very positive post Hoping, I'm sure op will find it helpful.

Ilovemyteddy Tue 30-Apr-13 13:58:12

I wanted to post and reiterate what other recent posters have said about NOT all OW get crucified on MN. I was an OW who has had two affairs, and have posted about this regularly in the past, and I have never been judged on here.

The reason for that is, IMHO, that I did what Classifiedinformation has done, and went for counselling to understand what I had done and what personality traits I have that led to the choices I made. No one is to blame for my infidelity other than me.

Owning your shit, rather than posting a thread title and OP that doesn't show you in the best light, is bound to bring out the worst in other posters, whether the post is about infidelity or any other subject. I know the OP has apologised for that numerous times, but flouncing off the thread, rather than responding to the good advice that has been given on this thread, will make many posters less than sympathetic to her situation. It also doesn't help other OW who may be lurking and wanting to post for advice, when they see a thread like this that goes tits up because of a poorly thought out opening post.

OP I hope that you have read Classified and Hoping's posts and that they are useful to you.

monsterchild Tue 30-Apr-13 14:18:03

OP if the man were my formerdp, you'd be welcome to him! He was chronic cheater, it took twice for me to see that but thank the Gods I did!
I never got too mad at the ows because by the second we weren't sleeping together as he refused to get an sti test, and ended up with one! From her I think, so that was nice.

monsterchild Tue 30-Apr-13 14:18:30

Mine was clean.

KoPo Tue 30-Apr-13 15:31:08

I hear you and have mass guilt, don't worry about that. Though I like to think if they don't know they are not hurting but I know how fucked that sounds.

That is the point where the OP lost any fucking credibility at all. I wonder if she has been the OW before?

Why would I have a single shred of sympathy for her whatsoever? I cant believe the sheer cheek of her even looking for it after a post like that.

classifiedinformation Tue 30-Apr-13 15:55:57

The problem with flaming people (even if the op isn't worded well) is that you don't know the whole story. What do you know about what is going on in the op's life, or the om's marriage?

Yes, it is wrong to be unfaithful with someone, but life is messy, people make mistakes and generally if they risk a character assassination on here, it probably means they are desperate for help and advice.

No amount of insulting, judging and holier than thou replies will make the situation any better and will certainly not guide the poster in the right direction to get the help they need.

We are all human beings and none of us are perfect for varying reasons, I wish people could remember that. sad

Lazyjaney Tue 30-Apr-13 16:45:27

"I wanted to post and reiterate what other recent posters have said about NOT all OW get crucified on MN"

IMO the OP has had a lot of unnecessary grief on this thread, because she was quite matter of fact about her situation rather than self flagellating herself. But it's hardly as if she is the only OW in the world, statistically there are as many OW as Wronged Wives.

IMO she has seen the error of this relationship, has come to the best conclusion, and there is no reason for OM to arrive on her doorstep, but she needs to make it clear very quickly that this is not an option for him.

Hopingtobehappy Tue 30-Apr-13 17:37:14

Classified

Absolutely perfectly put.

Reading between the lines I think there is a lot more to it than the OP has told us.

I hope that she comes back, because there are a few on here who could really help and I think she needs it.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 17:42:02

Have you tried pm'ing her ?

Hopingtobehappy Tue 30-Apr-13 17:50:18

I could, but one persons opinion isnt particularly going to help, there are a few on here who could.

My opinion is just my opinion, I dont have the answers

newbiefrugalgal Tue 30-Apr-13 17:53:12

Haven't read all replies but had to say you get what you deserve OP.

You are an adult and should have thought about the consequences of your actions.

Hope karma finds it way to you!

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 17:57:08

I expect she has had a few pm's actually

And unfortunately shot herself in the foot by flouncing because she got an understandably "wtf" reaction. I fail to see why she didn't think that would happen, but if she genuinely wanted advice, it's not so hard to pick out the bits she could find useful.

I suspect this little MN episode is part of a bigger pattern of fucked up behaviour and refusal/inability to take responsibility for one's own actions, tbh

And until someone is ready to do that, there is little anyone can do since pats on the head and "there there's" are wholly inappropriate, tbh

classifiedinformation Tue 30-Apr-13 17:59:35

I have messaged op AF.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 18:05:05

I am glad, CI . You won't be the only one, I think. I bet the lovely Ilovemyteddy has <waves at ILMT, long time no see >

Fleecyslippers Tue 30-Apr-13 18:44:16

'I suspect this little MN episode is part of a bigger pattern of fucked up behaviour and refusal/inability to take responsibility for one's own actions, tbh'

This. Exactly this. The classic behaviour of a cheat.

Ilovemyteddy Tue 30-Apr-13 19:09:24

<waves back at AF>

No I haven't PM'd OP yet, but am planning to do so.

You're right about pats on the head and "there there's" being inappropriate. And not only are they inappropriate but they are also not useful if a cheater is going to take responsibility for their own actions. Although I'm not sure if OP is technically a cheater, because she is single. Enabling someone else to cheat is obviously a very bad choice to make, but OP is not responsible for HIS choices, only her own.

Liara Wed 01-May-13 21:39:53

Jemma1111 If this ever happens to me I will conclude that my relationship with my husband was not what I thought it was and will therefore reevaluate it.

I will consider the OW to be absolutely incidental. If it had not been her, it would have been someone else.

I've seen this first hand, as my father was a serial womaniser. He left each of his 5 marriages to go straight to live with another woman.

Fortunately all of his wives realised that it was about him, not the OW, and continued to have very civilised relationships with each other, to the very great benefit of all the children involved (and there were many).

kenickielovesrizzo Sat 04-May-13 16:26:43

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to say thank you to the posters on here who recognised that my badly worded, flippant sounding OP was in fact disguising much bigger issues at work in myself and my life. I didn't even realise it myself, so even though this thread has not been an easy ride for me, I'm glad I did it - it really has been the catalyst to sort out my life.

DontmindifIdo Sat 04-May-13 18:37:12

Glad you are taking some positives from this.

This is one of those good cases when you look at the difference between excuses and explainations, it's not making excuses to work out the explaination of bad behaviour, it stops you a) repeating it and b) work out if you were just masking other problems.

kenickielovesrizzo Sat 04-May-13 19:25:11

Thanks for all your posts Dontmind - they have been really, really helpful.

fuckitybollocks Sat 04-May-13 21:21:56

Good on you. That took grace and guts. X

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now