Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My husband is bored, moody, negative and controlling

(59 Posts)
Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 14:47:26

We have been together for 22 years and have 2 grown up sons. Both mid 40s. He has always been jealous, insecure which we have dealt with. I reassure him all the time and yet he is the biggest flirt ever. I have never and would never cheat or betray him. He however has betrayed my trust before. He is mentally abusive to me. He calls me names, tells me to fuck off. Calls me lazy, stupid etc. I don't respect him neither does our youngest son who has seen and heard his dad speak to me this way. He is a very negative person and is jealous of anyone that does well for themselves. We have a beautiful home, nice cars and money in the bank. We go out for meals regularly and until 2 years ago we holidayed in 5 star hotels. 2 years ago I had my first panic attack and gave suffered anxiety since. I have had therapy and they say its my husbands behaviour causing it. It has been terrible. I am on meds now. My friends have been very supportive he hasn't. He just wants his old wife back. He sees me as a possession. He wants me on his arm looking lovely.
He has stopped giving me housekeeping and instead tells me to put groceries and petrol on a credit card so ge can pay it off. We don't gave joint accounts. I have no access to cash.
He say he is bored with our lives. He wants to do things but doesn't know what. We have different interests. He goes out regularly with lads and I don't. He us drinking more and goes to the pub most nights from work. He lies to me all the time.
I have told him he needs to change.
His only issue with me is that I never initiate sex. I tell him it's because I don't feel loved. Also the meds I am on effect this.
One son has left home and the youngest is 18. My parents and friends don't like how my husband treats me.
I am scared to leave though. Please advice if anyone has any.

Sh1ney Mon 29-Apr-13 15:03:15

Well the only possible advice is to boot out the poor bored man child

TeamEdward Mon 29-Apr-13 15:06:13

He sounds like a catch.

No real advice I'm afraid, unless you count LTB as sound advice.

Would he consider joint counselling?

NotTreadingGrapes Mon 29-Apr-13 15:07:34

Would you like me to help you put him under the patio?

Are there any good bits?

Your H will never be happy and has dragged you down with him to the pitiful shell of a person you are now. I am certain that before you met him you were an awful lot happier.

Joint counselling is a complete non starter here due to the ongoing types of abuse you are suffering at his hands. Counselling for your own self alone would be helpful.

He is the main cause of your unhappiness and I think that if you were brave enough to give him the boot your depressive state would lift.

Such controlling behaviour is abusive and such men do not change.

What on earth do your sons think of him - and of you for staying with him?.

Its never too late to leave, its only too late when you are dead.

If you are UK based Womens Aid can and will help you here. You need to take the first, often the most hardest of steps though, to leave him and to make a new life for yourself. It can be done but you will need to take that first step for yourself.

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 15:29:57

Nottreadinggrapes that made me laugh.

Erm..... Good bits? They are really security and material things. I would be voluntarily putting myself in a situation financially that would be really hard. There is a physical attraction still. We have been together so long it's hard to decide to leave

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 15:36:24

Attila - yes you are right I was happier. My friends and family cannot believe how much I have changed.
I am questioning myself. Do I expect too much. ?

He is jealous of our sons. Of their lives. They both work. They have great social lives and holidays. They are really lovely boys. But my oh is jealous of everything they do. They have had to lie about holidays they are having this year. Which is ridiculous. But he makes us feel sorry for him

NotTreadingGrapes Mon 29-Apr-13 15:38:10

Being jealous of your own children for what....? For their youth?

That is extremely odd.

What do your children think of their father?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 15:38:23

You can still have a reasonable amount of security and material things if you split, you know? Don't stay trapped in a cage for the sake of a few quid, will you? Talk to a solicitor about what your position would be in the event of a divorce and do some other research about what it would really mean to be independent financially. I'm a single woman with a nearly teenager, we have a modest & occasionally financially challenged but thoroughly enjoyable lifestyle and - best of all - it's 'all my own work'. I don't have to rely on some idiot bloke for anything.

Really... get informed, get motivated, get supported & think about a future that is all yours where you don't have someone telling you to 'fuck off' all the time.. and you can kiss your meds goodbye

carriedawayannie Mon 29-Apr-13 15:42:29

Your sons have had to lie about their holiday - did you ever think you would be in a position where this seemed normal?

I don't continuing in this life is going to bring you a lot of happiness.

Twitterqueen Mon 29-Apr-13 15:43:33

This is not good. It's obviously a very, very unhealthy relationship - which you know because you're suffering anxiety.

You know what you have to do but I appreciate that the energy and effort you will need to do so probably feels unsurmountable at the moment.

Could you go and stay with one of your sons for a few days? That would give the distance and perspective and maybe the strength too..

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 15:47:13

Not treading grapes - he is jealous of our sons social lives. The designer clothes they buy( with their own money). Their relationship with me. I Always put the kids first. (Dont all mums?).
I gave one of the boys £10 last week. And he flipped. That isn't your money to give him. It's mine he said. You are taking the piss. Blah blah blah all in front of the 18 year old.
Yesterday he called me a lazy bitch again in front of our son. My son said Dad stop being a pig to mum.
He apologised an hour later. I have told him its not acceptable. He say I wind him up.

He said to me ' for 2 weeks before Xmas I tried to be nice to you and where did that get me'

Ermmmmm it dies sound bad as I am typing it. But unfortunately it's true

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 15:50:25

So what's your next step? What do you feel comfortable doing that could start to get you out of this situation?

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 15:51:10

He is Jekyll and Hyde. Good looking and charming on occasions and then abusive and nasty on others.

My family and friends aren't local. But I could go and stay with them. I don't know how this would help though

NotTreadingGrapes Mon 29-Apr-13 15:52:52

Sheesh, does he keep a tally of when he's nice to you?

Seriously, LTB.

Start looking at the financial help you could get, and make your getaway plans. I'm guessing you are about my age (late 40s) and nowhere is it written that just because you have been with this pig for a long time that that's all there is.

Would you be happier without him? (don't worry, I'm not packing my shovel wink but can you see yourself happily settled somewhere on your own? Starting again? Without the burden of the eggshell treading from this presumptive self-entitled knobber?

If the answer is yes, then start planning. There is always a way. smile

LeChatRouge Mon 29-Apr-13 16:00:29

I think you have options.

You can stay living with him and create a separate life to him. Get a job, new friends, evening class, go out to dinner without him, go on holiday without him. Join a gym or art group or book club or volunteer for something locally. See if this creates a shift. You might decide he's not for you anymore and finally sever the remaining ties. Or you might be able to reconnect and salvage something.

Or you can go and stay with friends/relatives and have a serious think about making a break. What would this mean practically, emotionally, financially.

It is normal for people to feel like he does at his age. Youth is slipping away, the kids are young, attractive, free with a life ahead of them. This is a reason, not an excuse, for his behaviour.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 16:01:06

Going to stay with family or friends will help you because it'll get you out of the cage for a while, give you time to think and breathe without his malevolent influence. You are frightened about your future at the moment and I think it is very beneficial to taste freedom, feel the tension go out of your shoulders, and experience what life could be like if you ditched him completely. Visit them, go travelling, in short do exactly what you please for a while..... that's how life could be 24/7.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 16:02:22

@LeChatRouge... 'reconnect and salvage' something with an emotionally abusive man that tells her to fuck off regularly and not to spend a tenner because it's 'his' money hmm????

i think you will be alot happier without him, and i think you know that too

i hope you can find the bravery to make the rest of your life your own and really enjoy the rest of your life

he sounds liek a righht arse who likes being miserable

NomNomDePlum Mon 29-Apr-13 16:07:57

sorry you've wasted so much time with him. don't waste any more.

dump the fucker

There is nothing to "reconnect" or "salvage" here LeChatRouge. And no it is not normal for people to feel like that at his age either unless they are abusive.

Jamatmum, you cannot reason with an abuser like your H; chances are as well he has always been abusive and you have become conditioned into accepting his abusive treatment of you as your lot in life. Your sons likely detest their dad and wonder of you why you are still there wasting your life on such an abusive man.

The person whom you had therapy with is right - it is your H causing all this along with your anxiety and overall depressed state. He put you there in that hole he dug for you. He is counting on you staying in that hole. You are only seen as his possession to keep in a gilded cage made out of his own paranoia.

For goodness sake do not stay for the sake of a better financial situation because you're actually being financially abused by him as well.

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 16:30:05

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

The decision to leave is massive. I did go and stay with my parents in feb for 2 weeks. I had only planned on going for 3 days. I had no anxiety whilst I was there and there unconditional love and support was what I needed.

My oh made an effort for a week and then it's gone back to how it was before I left.

I have told him exactly what I need and want from our relationship but he doesn't listen. He us all about grand gestures. But he doesn't do any of the little things that would mean the world to me. The REAL love things that my friends all do. Even when I have spelt it out he doesn't get it. I wonder if he knows me at all.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 16:36:00

So stop flogging this dead horse, repeat staying with your parents, find a place to live and start talking to solicitors. You can have zero anxiety, love and support in spades.... plus your half of the marital assets to make that fresh start you so clearly need.

The decision to leave is indeed massive but you really cannot spend the rest of your years like this suffering as you are. You are but a pathetic shell of your own former self; your family see all too clearly what you perhaps cannot as yet fully face up to or even want to face.

Your H is abusive and such men do not change. You've probably hung on in there in the forlorn hope that he will one day have an epiphany and apologise for all the rubbish he has put you through - it will not happen. These men can do nice/nasty very well but its all part of the usual script such abusive men follow. This individual is one of the worst examples of abusive and controlling men I have read about.

He only loves his own self but I doubt very much he knows what love is. You and everyone else around him mean nothing to him. His behaviour towards you says as much; he is doing everything possible to hurt you.

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 16:59:06

TeamEdward - no he won't go for counselling

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 17:00:52

I have considered going for counselling on my own.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 17:16:04

Solo counselling isn't a bad idea. Might help you take the next step.

I think counselling on your own would be a great idea.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 29-Apr-13 17:20:33

The only advice I could give you is to divorce him

If you already have a nice house, nice cars, 5 star holidays etc you are not going to be destitute to get half of that, are you ?

Such an inadequate man will never change. He will only drag you down to his level if he can, and he won't give up until you are destroyed.

Make your son's year and instigate proceedings.

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 17:22:33

I don't suppose you have a magic wand you could wave for me.

You are right. I do need to take steps to move on. I'm scared to start it. My family live 200 miles away and my friends are 50 miles away. Eldest son is only 5 minutes away and youngest son is still with us.

If I stay at friends I'm not near my sons. If I stay ear my sons I have no support group near me.

Sorry if I sound weak. I know how it sounds. I just can't afford to let anxiety and panic take hold any more. It makes me feel so tired and lethargic.

piratecat Mon 29-Apr-13 17:29:04

exactly, you don't 'need' all that stuff, you need to be free.

So what if he's good looking, fuck that. He's a shit. He takes you for granted, is jealous and controlling.

Many women have had to leave with only the clothes on their backs.

YOU are stuck in a rut, you would be ok financially. You don't NEED a big home, just a little place you can call your own. Possibly near family, where you can have fun with your sons.

What happens when there are grandchildren, he will make their lives a misery too.

piratecat Mon 29-Apr-13 17:30:55

yes but maybe this thread is your starting point, think about it, you have started to make a move mentally by telling a forum about your cack marriage.

It's the shittiest controlling behaviour not to allow you any cash, that's digusting.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 29-Apr-13 17:36:42

As well as individual counselling, I recommend a chat with Women's Aid.

You are being abused...emotionally and financially.

Please don't consider trying to persuade him to do couple counselling, he will use that as another stick to beat you with.

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 17:43:03

You are being abused. Bit by bit he has dragged you down and you are completely dependent on a man that has no interest in you other than as some kind of chattel.

You are married which helps you legally to get a very good deal upon divorce. However it will probably be very hard to get the divorce and you shouldn't expect it to go smoothly. So don't assume you can walk into a new life too easily - expect to need family to support you for a while. You will get everything back later, financially - I have no doubt about that.

The fact that he has abused you for all these years (yes it IS abuse), means that you may be able to prosecute him. This would prevent him from doing the same to the next woman that comes along and it may also increase any payout from him because he has effectively ruined your life with anxiety and misery and you may be able to claim for that 'damage'. However you will need evidence, any diaries or video footage, witnesses who may support you. A secret recording now might be helpful but be very careful.

The first thing you need is advice from Womens Aid and the second thing you need is a solicitor. Be careful about leaving. If you do, do it without him knowing in advance. Abusive men can turn violent when they find they have lost control of their victim, so bear this in mind.

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 17:45:39

Go to your parents. Your sons know exactly what's going on, they are old enough to know that this is something that you need to do even if it means leaving them behind. If your eldest is 18 does he have A levels? Is he at a local school?

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 17:51:05

Wondering again. - eldest son doesn't live with us and works full time. Youngest is 18 and does live with us and has full time job.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 29-Apr-13 17:52:43

Have you posted before, under a different name, love ?

AnyFucker Germany Mon 29-Apr-13 17:54:02

You know your mental health is likely to improve dramatically if you remove his malign influence from your life, don't you ?

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 17:56:28

That's great - essentially there is nothing stopping you except his control. Or is there something else?

IloveJudgeJudy Mon 29-Apr-13 17:59:36

I would also say LTB. My father was like this to DM (without the 5 star hotels). She didn't leave him, and the jealousy he felt for his sons (and grandsons) led to some big fallings out among our family later on. He didn't change. She felt bound to him for some kind of duty, or whatever. She has recently heard from her siblings that they thought she should have left him years ago (I think that's mean of them to say it now; they didn't say it and support her when she really needed it).

He tried to isolate her, but she has had to be really strong to deal with all that he has done over the years. He didn't break her, but she went right to the brink and had suicidal thoughts for quite a while.

Your life will be much better without him. You say your sons are very supportive of you. That's good. Doesn't mean they can't visit him. Don't waste your life. You are worth more than that. Material goods really aren't everything.

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 18:02:19

No this is the first time I have ever posted on here. Or anywhere for that matter.

No there isn't anything actually stopping me from leaving. Except my own doubts. And the endless questions I'm asking myself. What ifs!!!

AnyFucker Germany Mon 29-Apr-13 18:04:10

OK, love. You just reminded me of someone that posted of a similar situation on here.

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 18:05:47

I am not worried about the material goods but I am worried about financial security.

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 18:09:08

A solicitor will be able to explain more about finance. Does he check your internet use etc?

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 18:11:24

No he just checks my phone

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 18:17:36

If you are using your phone for this thread remember to delete your history. Get another cheap phone with a number so you can contact people freely.

What is it that you want to do - what would be the best solution for you?

MadameOvary Mon 29-Apr-13 18:22:42

Hello OP. You know you need to leave. I wish I could give you a taste of what life was like once you emerge from the shadow of abuse. It grinds you down and paralyses you so that you feel that you are glued to them, as if leaving will rip you in half. BUT this fear is what keeps you there. The lightening begins as soon as you leave. Every day you get stronger, and this process is accelerated if you reach out for help.

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 18:45:24

Thank you. I will make an appointment with a solicitor and see where I stand.
Not one reply said stay and work it out.

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 18:54:05

Good luck - this could be the beginning of a great journey smile

IamMrsJones Mon 29-Apr-13 19:36:05

Good luck! The appointment could just be the start of finding yourself again and the best move you've made in a while.

TweedWasSoLastYear Mon 29-Apr-13 19:51:04

Firstly . Well done for being brave enough to post on here that your relationship isnt all that great. I know the nice house and the cars , holidays and hotels must look appealing to others, but seriously .. being told to F.O in front of your sons .. one day soon they will stand up to him and it could spiral out of control if tempers get frayed . They sound like good boys , and you have brought them up well .

Secondly. If you are going to talk to a solicitor ensure you have ALL financial info to hand first . MTG statements , bank details, wage slips , savings accounts , share certs ,bonus payments . everything. photo them or screen shot if neccessary

wipe your history from MN as well , if using a tablet or shared pc.

Be strong , he has ground you down . time to get back to being you without this abuser round your neck,
oh and a small unmn ( hug ) and some flowers

nikaia60 Mon 29-Apr-13 19:51:47

He sounds very much like my XP, and it took me a long time to leave him because he had eroded my self confidence to practically zero with his verbal abuse and controlling behaviour. It felt like a massive decision to leave him at the time, and we didn't even have kids! I was a nervous wreck though, extremely anxious and unhappy, always hoping that he would change and that things would get better. Needless to say they didn't, they got worse. His behaviour got more and more extreme as he tried harder to control me.

Thankfully I finally managed to get the strength together to leave him and IT WAS THE BEST DECISION I EVER MADE!! I felt free, I felt like a weight had been lifted, I felt like the world was my oyster. I went on holiday on my own and felt so liberated. I never looked back.

I'm telling you this because I know how hard it is to arrive at that decision. I can fully sympathise with you, having children with him and having been with him for a long time. I know it's a very tough step to take.

Believe me, though, once you take it you will be so very relieved that you did. Life is too short, way too short to waste it on a weak, insecure, jealous old bastard who can't take responsibility for his own issues and bullies others to feel powerful. It's too short to spend any more time feeling bound up with anxiety, feeling unloved and unvalued (if that's a word!), being spoken to like shit. You deserve so much more.
Try this exercise to help you make the decision. In turn, picture two different futures for yourself, the one you'll have in 5 years time if you stay with him, and the alternative one, if you leave him. Think about them each in detail - what you'll have around you, what you'll be doing, what you'll be capable of, what will be important to you, what you'll believe about yourself, how you'll feel about life and where you're at. What's the difference? How much money is the better future worth to you? How does that compare with the financial difference between staying and leaving?

NB. you're much stronger than you think you are (we all are!!)

AnyFucker Germany Mon 29-Apr-13 20:00:54

Good decision, OP

Don't tell him though, thinking it might jolt him into behaving better...keep your cards close to your chest

beachyhead Mon 29-Apr-13 20:19:29

That's a great post Nik...

Well done,OP, on two major steps:
Discussing how your relationship is at the moment and deciding to see someone about making life better.

Keep posting. There is a wealth of experience and advice here. There will be hands to hold all the way to your new life.

wordyBird Mon 29-Apr-13 20:20:12

Take small, baby steps Jamatmum. This will help to control any anxiety, and that sense of being overwhelmed.

Just do one small thing at a time, and gradually, a plan of action will start to develop. Solicitor's appointment is a great place to start.

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 21:27:35

Try this exercise to help you make the decision. In turn, picture two different futures for yourself, the one you'll have in 5 years time if you stay with him, and the alternative one, if you leave him. Think about them each in detail - what you'll have around you, what you'll be doing, what you'll be capable of, what will be important to you, what you'll believe about yourself, how you'll feel about life and where you're at. What's the difference? How much money is the better future worth to you? How does that compare with the financial difference between staying and leaving?

Brilliant. smile

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 22:39:19

Nik - thank you so much. You understand.

The exercise is brilliant. I have actually done that exercise 5 and 10 years ago and I was having the same problems. Do I want to be saying the same things in 5 years time only I will be 51 then.

The answer is no.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to post. I really do appreciate it. I will keep you posted

nikaia60 Tue 30-Apr-13 11:49:18

My pleasure, Jamatmum. All you need to do is to start walking towards that better future, one step at a time.

Keep us posted, we're here for you xx

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now