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Forgave my H for being on a dating site last Summer,now find he was on a more sinister site to meet others for sex

(170 Posts)
SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 11:32:47

My H and I have had a bumpy few years in the past but just after we had a few blissful years I found my H had been on He went as far as opening a profile, pretty vague ,no photo just basic details, I spoke too soon to see if he used the site. In he insight I should of left things for a while before confronting him. He said it was an old site but I saw the date opened was April 12.
As I hadn't ant proof he had taken it any further than curiosity and the account was closed I put it all behind me but obviously it haunted me in the back of my mind.
Now a friend has told me his profile is on a site where people meet other married people for affairs. I checked the profile out and low and behold my husband is there looking back at me, using his real name, knocked a few years off his age though.
From what I can see he was last on the site last summer meaning he hasn't been on the site since I found out about the but by the look of things he was on both sites at the same time.
I haven't any proof he has met any one but I didn't know about this affair site when we discussed things last year and I dropped it.
This seems a bit too seedy to me and I find seeing the lengths he went to to fill in this profile alarming to say the least.
Do I leave this new revelation as I was last year and I already forgave my H last year or do I bring out this new evidence of something he posted but no proof he has done anything?
How do I judge wether he has taken this any further than just making out a profile, the dating site felt harmless by my gut feeling, this has my mind going all over the place.
I am afraid to make a wrong judgement and end my marriage when even this could be innocent & on the other hand I don't want to be a mug living with someone who may be sneaking behind my back & I know if I confront him he will obviously deny this .
We had been getting on so well until I found out he had joined the date site last year, it now looks like he was on 2 sites!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 11:35:29

What 'proof' are you actually after? He's actively looking for sex outside your marriage... isn't that enough reason to give him the drop-kick to the kerb?

'Putting it all behind you', I'm sorry means you've had your head in the sand. There is no wrong judgement about this scenario. He is quite blatantly offering himself up for affairs, he will deny it and you should kick him out while you decide what you want out of life.

Leverette Mon 29-Apr-13 11:37:32

You don't need proof that he's " done anything"

The fact that he is actively advertising for either extramarital action or a replacement for you tells you he's a user and needs to be shown the door pronto

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 11:40:44

Love, people swap RL contact details after going on these sites so the fact you have seen "no activity" on it for X number of months means nothing

The fact he didn't delete this account when he deleted the other (ie. he only modified his behaviour up to the point of the bits you knew about ) says it all really

He is still lying to you, and I suspect there is a lot of stuff you don't know, and plenty you never will

I couldn't live with that. Can you ?

OddSockMonster Mon 29-Apr-13 11:42:11

There's nothing 'normal' or 'innocent' about being on that sort of website, not when he's supposed to be committed to you.

The fact that he had a profile shows deliberate effort on his part. He didn't just stuble across it by accident.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 29-Apr-13 11:42:52

What on earth could be "innocent" about this kind of behaviour?? he is looking for sex outside the marriage as well as lying and deceiving you.

newbiefrugalgal Mon 29-Apr-13 11:46:56

You don't have to forgive because you did last year. This is different and relevant - I would sit tight though and get your head around it all.

These are two sites you know of, could be more?

Is the married dating one active? Ie can anyone 'here' contact him??

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 11:50:04

"I don't want to be a mug living with someone who may be sneaking behind my back "

No 'may' about it. He 'is' sneaking around behind your back. I know it's a daunting prospect to confront him with what you know but please find the self-respect and strength of character to do it. Let this go and, like last year, he'll just carry on advertising his wares...

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 12:05:06

My friend found his profile with some friends, they had a girlie night and went on the site as a joke to see if they would recognise any of the local blokes, totally harmless fun to them, they did send a message to him but no reply. She said it says the last time he had logged on was last summer.

The reason I am slow in reacting is my best friend who I knew before I met my husband was male and after a few years if being married my H became jealous , even though he knew we had been friends for years, I was accused of having an affair and my husband told his family and friends we had been having an affair!
This wasn't true we were like brother and sister , but because we were so close my husband convinced everyone he knew I had betrayed him.
My friend and I decided it wasn't healthy to stay friends.

So I know first hand how it is for people to get the wrong end of the stick and to this day it drives me insane to think people were gossiping behind my back making stories up but based on what they saw, so I know first hand how things can look wrong when they are innocent which is why I don't know how to deal with this, it would be different if I knew he had been on the site recently for certain or he had been seen with another women, then I would know for certain which way I would deal with things.

My friend had printed off a copy of the profile, not a pretty sight at all!

NotTreadingGrapes Mon 29-Apr-13 12:08:24

You haven't got the wrong end of the stick though, have you?

I'd say to be caught on one shaggy site is foolish, but to be caught on another one is downright moronic.

Is he not very bright? Apart from the fucking around I mean?

HoHoHoNoYouDont Mon 29-Apr-13 12:08:56

Surely he should have deleted his profile from the 'married wanting affair' site. As he hasn't it looks as though he's still 'up for it'. He may not be accessing the site but what if someone sees his profile and sends him a message. Will he ignore it or think this is the chance he's been waiting for?

Personally I would test the theory by creating a profile. Call it a Honey Trap if you will but I would just need to know.

dontyouwantmebaby Mon 29-Apr-13 12:10:06

good grief OP so your husband's jealousy and (unfounded) suspicion ended up ruining a perfectly good friendship for you, not to mention tarnish your 'reputation' with his lies and accusations. that is so sad.

there is no 'wrong end of the stick' to consider when your husband has signed up to these dating sites. its immaterial whether he's gone ahead and met anyone from it IRL. how would he feel if you'd done the same? he's judging you by his own behaviour clearly when he accused you of betraying him. you can do better than this!

Trazzletoes Mon 29-Apr-13 12:11:10

He sounds like a right charmer!

Do you actually need to be certain that he has had an affair? The fact that he has made himself available, through a conscious effort, during your relationship, for sex with someone else speaks volumes about how HE views your relationship.

It doesn't matter if it was 2 years ago or 2 minutes ago. When you pulled him up on it last time, if he were decent he would have deleted all dating site profiles. He didn't. He only protected himself from the one site you knew about.

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 12:13:18

What kind of a bloke joins a site,places a photo of himself and genuine details, apart from his age,lol and expects not to be seen by people he knows, that is the scariest thing, knowing I am living with a man who has blatantly put himself out to tender and look me in the eyes!

If I have this right, last May I went in hospital to have a biopsy dye to lady issues, all this must have been at the same time, and I was still obliging in the bedroom department before the op as nothing ever seems to put him off!

BeCool Mon 29-Apr-13 12:17:57

I don't see how signing up for these kinds of sites while being married can ever be 'innocent'. Even if he doesn't meet anyone, the intent to do so was there.

Is it possible all the accusations regarding you and your male friend, were deflections re what your H was actually up to. It is very common for wandering P's to accuse their spouse of doing what they are actually doing IYKWIM and your friendship was an easy target for him.

Sorry this is happening to you.

Smiley, I'm not normally one for saying this, but please LTB. I never understand why anyone (and you see it on here a surprising enough times) would allow someone a second chance if they've been caught on any kind of dating site. For me, it'd be game over (window shop in public when an attractive person walks by is one thing, that's REactive whereas physically creating a profile is PROactive). In your case, taking that and the crap surrounding your male best friend, I'd be kicking his sorry arse out the door.

littlecrystal Mon 29-Apr-13 12:26:30

I was in a similar situation. Found H on affair websites twice in the last few years, although both times it was low key profile, no details or picture. Didn't say anything for the first time, upped intimacy levels and noticed that his interest for affairs died out naturally and his profile expired. When I found for the 2nd time, I didn't tell him directly how I found out, I just said that I know that you are into this website and if this doesn't stop, this will be a dealbreaker for me. I didn't wait for his answer or anything, I just told and left him to digest. He took my message and started deleting emails from that account without reading, so I decided to restore our bed life and upped the intimacy levels again. This seems to work so far. But my H is a very simple type of cage man who is very dependant on intimacy levels, and he is not likely to look elsewhere if he is satisfied at home (or so I think!).

However if I found it again despite of having a happy life at home, it would be a deal breaker and I would kick him out. I wouldn't want him to even explain himself, I would be done.

mummytime Mon 29-Apr-13 12:26:55

Also do you realise one of the tips from the cheaters handbook says: If you are worried your partner might suspect - start accusing them of being unfaithful.
Him accusing you of being unfaithful was quite possibly because he was/was thinking about being unfaithful to you!

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 12:30:07

I opened a bogus account too, just a name, no details so I could send a message to my H, no reply But god , you should see how many blokes replied to a vacant profile just for an encounter with a stranger.

Now I feel guilty just by opening a blank profile , H has a photo of himself in broad day light and not ashamed!

THERhubarb Mon 29-Apr-13 12:30:49

You have 2 problems here.

Your first problem is that your dh's jealousy ruined your friendship. I have plenty of male friends and one in particular who is one of my best friends. I can happily go out alone with this friend and my dh would be fine with it. You know why? Trust. It appears that your dh did not trust you. Your word that you were not having an affair was not good enough for him. He forced your hand by telling everyone that you were cheating on him, thus making it impossible for you to continue your friendship.

This in itself is out of order. Who tells everyone that their partner is having an affair without any proof? Surely the first thing you do is to sit down with your partner and discuss your worries with them? Did he give you the chance to compromise at the time?

I find his behaviour there very controlling.

The websites are your second problem. Yes they were last year and the good news is that he hasn't logged on since then or answered your friend's message. However, he hasn't deleted them either has he?

As far as I am aware, men have to pay to join these married dating sites whilst women can join for free. So last summer his intentions were very clear, he was willing to pay to join a site where he could possible engage in no-strings sex.

There have been numerous articles about these sites and it's all about secrecy, discretion, having sex with other married people and not getting emotionally involved.

I think you do need to sit down and talk to him. Ask him why he didn't delete his accounts. Why did he feel the need to set them up in the first place? He needs to be honest with you about what was going on then or you won't get anywhere.

You have no proof that he has done anything but you have all the proof you need that he was going to do something and perhaps, if you hadn't found him out, perhaps he would have done. The thought is still there as the accounts are still open.

Don't allow him to throw your friend into the mix. He knew about your friend when he met you. There was no secrecy there. You were open and honest about your friendship. He decided he didn't like it and he forced your hand. That was a low-life and dirty trick to play. How would he like it if you told all his friends and family about his dirty little profiles on these websites? After all, what's good for the goose......

Honesty is the only way forward. If he can't be honest with you, if he turns it back round to you, if he denies everything and won't discuss it further then I fear for the future of your relationship. It seems that when things are going well, he's happy but the minute something goes wrong, well then those accounts are there for him.

I'm sorry but I would seriously question my relationship as I would feel that I didn't know my partner as well as I thought. The trust would be gone and I'd be paranoid that after every row, he'd be seeking a quick shag elsewhere.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 12:33:40

littlecrystal you may believe that shagging your husband more often will prevent him from turning into a deceitful and unfaithful prick but please do not advocate it as useful advice

because it isn't, it is a terrible idea

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 12:35:19

To be honest littlecrysal my H,s interest is insatiable and the happier he seems at home or when everything is great seems to be the time he thinks he can get away with things or I won't notice because we are happy.

He can be quite sneaky with other things at home and it doesn't tend to happen if he thought I was a little unhappy. X

Smiley - so, are you going to leave him or kick him out?

What mummytime said.
Accusing you = it was him trying to deflect!

cleoowen Mon 29-Apr-13 12:44:21

I would get your friend to message him and,see what he says back and gage his reaction.

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 12:53:13

Both my friend and I have messages him but its says on his profile he hasn't logged in since last year, hence no reply.

The most confusing part is our relationship was last year and this really good.
When I told friends about him being on last year they couldn't believe it, saying we always look so happy, always holding hands, doing things together and how they can't believe my H would ever do something like that.

I think I am trying to get my head around that bit too, we get on so well, no arguments for years, daily texts of how much he loves me flow every hour, he is the ideal H, it's really is confusing working out which bloke is the real H AND to think this means his actions break up our family.

That's why I need to get this put into perspective as it isn't just myself and my H it's our kids too, their worlds will be turned upside down which us why I need to get my facts right?

Smiley - what facts don't you have right?

1) He accused you of having an affair with a male friend, which was untrue. Not only that, but he did so publicly, by telling other people this pack of lies. Your response was to dump your friend and not your DH for being a controlling twat.
2) You caught him on dating site after a few "blissful years" (I don't call accusing you of having an affair so he cuts you off from your best male friend blissful)
3) After having forgiven him for doing this before, he signs up to another, even more obvious 'trawling for sex' site.

All this and yet you think you two get on so well, no arguments for years...

Sorry if this sounds blunt but you need to wake up and smell the coffee. This is NOT a decent man, he does NOT love you (despite the texts saying so), he is a controlling deceitful man and you are LETTING him belittle you and in due course, your family.

You deserve better and so do your kids. HE has turned yours and their lives upside down, not you. Your kids would rather see you happy than see you get ground underfoot and become even more of a doormat. Honestly.

Please, get shot of him.

dontyouwantmebaby Mon 29-Apr-13 13:06:23

OP - ok so your friends found it difficult to believe that he'd been on what did they think about him destroying that other friendship with the male friend you'd had for years?

daily texts telling you how much he loves you? oh-kay, I know everyone's different but that would come across as insincere to me. actions speak louder than words. why's he even signed up to a dating website anyway? did he text you telling you he loved you when he was in the process of setting up a profile? hmm

pickledginger Mon 29-Apr-13 13:09:04

So he managed to destroy a friendship you'd had for years and made his false accusations to your friends and family? That's really awful.

OP it's pretty common for an unfaithful partner to suddenly start accusing their other half of what they themselves are guilty of. It's because they get the niggling feeling that if they can be so underhand and conniving, what's to stop their spouse? I'd just see that accusation as more evidence that he was doing the dirty. Sorry.

Personally, I don't know how you can stay with him knowing that he's constantly been on the lookout for extra-marital sex. what does that say about for his respect for you, his marriage and his family?

THERhubarb Mon 29-Apr-13 13:28:05

Smiley, you need to look at this logically:

He spread malicious and horrible gossip about you to your nearest and dearest FOR NO GOOD REASON

He ruined your relationship with your best friend, someone who might perhaps have warned you about this man and his behaviour

He is sneaky and deceitful

He is selfish in his needs, expecting you to have sex even after you've had surgery down there

He set up two accounts on dating websites, one for married people

He lied about the other account

Now as usual you are talking about staying together for the sake of the kids. I hear that all the time on these type of threads. The OP realises that he is a bastard and a dick but in typical helpless fashion she makes excuses for him and says that she has to stay for the sake of the kids.

I hope to God you are not going to do that.

You want to know why he wanted sex when things were going well in your relationship? Because that's exactly what he wants; a nice homelife with an obliging wife and friends who all look up to him whilst he has a sordid affair on the side. His confidence is boosted by the happy patch and he wants more. If he did this whilst you were going through a rough patch, you might be more inclined to keep an eye on him. After all, you already know that he's sneaky and deceitful right?

As for the kids, well what do you think would be more damaging? Having two parents who are unhappy, in a relationship without trust, honesty and respect or two parents who are happily living their own separate lives and who spend quality time with the kids?

Often separated parents do just that, the time they spend with the children is quality time.

But you haven't split up with him yet so there is no point in jumping the gun. You are merely trying to understand his actions and I really think that is a waste of time. You won't ever understand him. You might think you know him, but you obviously don't.

I do fear for your marriage but my worst fear is that he will end up controlling you, he'll put the blame back onto you and make you feel that you drove him to this, that you are at fault, that you are spying or being jealous and you will take all of this onboard. You will beleive his promises and you will take the safer option which is to sweep it under the carpet and hope that your marriage can move on.....until the next time he gets caught out.

I think you are getting some great advice here. I hope it makes a difference.

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 13:31:22

My friend and I lost touch quiet a few years ago, we'll before the dating site last summer, but my H did bring this up last year when I found out about the site and that's where I came unstuck and started with the doubts.
By bringing up my friendship and still accusing me of something I hadn't done, made me wonder if I have it wrong, what if all he dud was join the sites and nothing else ?

If I was a friend going through this I would make suggestions her marriage was clearly over, being on the other side the view is very different and I am really shocked at my response and how I am looking for definite answers .. Think I am in shock and can't believe people have seen my husband openly touting on a site for affairs.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 13:32:20

"I opened a bogus account too, just a name, no details so I could send a message to my H, "

That was stupid. Stooping to his level.. You have to tackle him directly, face to face. He's been caught not only with his hands in the cookie jar but cookie crumbs round his chops and wearing an 'I steal cookies' T-shirt. Who cares how happy things are/were at home?

"Smiley* - you say you are looking for definite answers. To get answers you need the questions.

May I suggest:
1) Is my husband an arsehole?
2) Is he a controlling twat?
3) Am I being a doormat in falling for his excuses and staying?

Definite answers to all three questions - YES, YES and YES.

Seriously, if you remain in this marriage, this will carry on and on. Think of the lessons your children will learn. Your husband has taken every chance he can to HUMILIATE you in public and on the internet. What more evidence do you need???

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 13:37:51

Therubarb your last paragraph was spot on and yes I am getting great advice here.
At the moment my head is playing tennis, left to right and the advice is helping me gain points and not feel guilty, why in earth a situation like this should make me feel guilty I haven't a clue

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 13:38:09

"Think I am in shock and can't believe people have seen my husband openly touting on a site for affairs."

Shock is one thing but aren't you angry at the humiliation he's causing you? Even if he's only there out of curiosity, even if it's all totally innocent and even if you have got entirely the wrong end of the stick... what he's done is the equivalent of hiring a local billboard advertising 'who fancies a shag?'

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 13:45:08

Yes I did feel degraded opening the account and I did feel I was at his level , but done now and at least I saw how the site works and the opportunist who frequent those sites as did my H, this gave me a clearer picture if the types of people who join these sites.

Yes I do feel humiliated too, ashamed too.

Going to the gym to burn off some energy and try to clear my head, while I work this out.

H goes on a course today for a few days time to give me breathing space and hence asking mums net for advice.

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 13:48:57

Honestly , I have no anger, I feel sick, upside down but no anger, something I learned to contain from an early age and my downfall but hey there are many ways to deal with things and anger doesn't work for me.

In a situation like this being angry is the fuel I need but I wouldn't be able to think straight and be a waste if space to my family, no angry can wait til I decide how I am going to deal with this.x

NishiNoUsagi Mon 29-Apr-13 13:50:20

made me wonder if I have it wrong, what if all he did was join the sites and nothing else?

OP, that alone is a horrible thing to do! Why would he even join if he wasn't interested in finding extra marital sex? At the very least he would have been getting off on the thrill of possibilities..for me that alone would be hugely overstepping the mark. Hugely. Regardless of whether he'd gone through with anything or not, it would destroy the marriage for me.

You are desperately searching for an explanation or justification for his behaviour. You are trying to convince yourself that it wasn't too bad, or you can't end it without 'proof' or you might have misunderstood things.
Well there is no explanation, justification or rationalisation for this. Sorry. What he has done is enough to destroy a marriage, destroy the trust and honesty between you and ruin your happiness forever if you try to ignore move past it.

THERhubarb Mon 29-Apr-13 14:13:56

Smiley, this man has clearly eroded your confidence and self worth. You had a friendship that he ruined and he dares to bring that up in your face as evidence that you are wrong to accuse him?

You met your friend BEFORE your H. You did not set up profiles on seedy websites or pay to join one. Your friendship was platonic, truthful and honest which is a far cry from what he is being right now.

If you confront him he will:

a) bring up your past friendship again
b) accuse you of being paranoid
c) state he was just looking/being curious
d) make you feel guilty for even questioning him when you yourself have been questioned in the past

He is really going to go to town on this past friendship of yours which ended years ago isn't he? He will throw it in your face at every opportunity and try to compare that incident with this one.

Yet it was HIM who told your bloody family and friends that you were having an affair so if he really wants to compare fairly, how about you do the same to him?

He will make you question yourself, he will make you feel stupid and he will bring it all back to you because he is a control freak who thinks he has you right where he wants you.

This man has 'abuser' written all over him. He has taken away your close friend, he has robbed you of that support, he has eroded your confidence and he has stolen your dignity. Like you say, he could have hooked up with someone local from that website. I'm sure other people will have seen his profile but he knows full well that not many people are going to admit being on a dating site for married people, so he felt that his secret was safe.

Clear your head, confide in your family and friends, get some support and real life advice from people who know you both. Once you make a decision you will feel more empowered and he'll come back home to a very different woman who won't stand for any more of his bullshit.

Get angry, then find ways to channel that anger into something productive.

Pandemoniaa Mon 29-Apr-13 14:21:58

daily texts of how much he loves me flow every hour,

Without wanting to sound hurtful, this is the easiest of ways to try and prove his credentials. In reality, he's far from the perfect husband is he? Because decent men who are committed to making their relationships work don't set up profiles on dating sites. This flow of daily texts is a great diversion tactic though.

Even if he hasn't been active on these sites since last year, the issue is that he used them and for all you know, is still using similar sites but has covered his activities rather more successfully.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 14:33:38

"being angry is the fuel I need but I wouldn't be able to think straight and be a waste if space to my family"

Angry doesn't necessarily mean ranting, raving and hurling plates like a thing possessed ... 'Angry' is the emotion that sharpens the senses, cuts through the crap and gives you the clarity of self-respect that comes with indignation.

THERhubarb Mon 29-Apr-13 16:12:28

If I could click a 'Like' on your post Cognito I would do so.

BeCool Mon 29-Apr-13 16:17:49

"Angry doesn't necessarily mean ranting, raving and hurling plates like a thing possessed ... 'Angry' is the emotion that sharpens the senses, cuts through the crap and gives you the clarity of self-respect that comes with indignation."

^^ remember this OP.
Anger can be energising and motivating and a wonderful vehicle for change. Harness it and use it. Get your strop on & make something happen to change your life for the better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 16:21:14

<bows> Unmanaged anger and you get that 'loose cannon' effect which is pointless. However, managed fury is a very powerful & visceral emotion that means people finally start taking you seriously.

I think the DH in this story is basically taking the piss. He is able to hold hands and send 'I love you' texts etc. because he knows he's pulling the wool over the OP's eyes. He strikes me as smugly believing that because he keeps getting away with it he he is beyond the law... untouchable. He doesn't care that he's advertising on a local site and that word will probably get back because he regards the OP with complete contempt. He thinks she's a mug...

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 18:26:49

It's odd but I can't find anger just yet, just dis belief.
Not prepared for this at all, but your words are motivating.
I need to get some things organised this week and gear myself up to show him the pictures I found of him, I was thinking of having them framed for him and another 100 copies made, to show I have intent to post copies to friends and relations should he try to reverse blame or innocence.

I think I am in shock, I feel numb more than anything else. X

Crinkle77 Mon 29-Apr-13 18:33:38

Sorry but if you are 'innocent' you don't put your profile on a dating website even if it is out of curiosity. Kick him out

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 29-Apr-13 18:42:18

Remember that actions speak louder than words - this man's actions do not match his love texts hmm

The fact that he went public about his accusations that you are having an affair is terrible - how fucking dare he?! I agree with those who say its projection and suggestive of his standards/morals.

Hissy Mon 29-Apr-13 19:21:40

Ice cold fury is literally delicious.

You'll get there.

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 19:37:03

How do I get there Hissy?

I want to spend the week getting things in order first while he is away, then I need to wake up my senses.
I think that's the reason I am on here, if I had seen this site at the same time as the other I would have blown a fuse, now I feel I haven't the right to be angry , especially since he may have changed!

It doesn't make much difference does it?

Hissy Mon 29-Apr-13 21:47:53


It will come to you.

Don't panic, don't worry. You've done nothing wrong.

Get your things in order, it will be ok. Keep talking to us.


SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 22:21:40

Thank you for that Hissy, I will keep popping back, feel the need to keep talking things through, to drum it into my head what he has got up to, thank you again, really helps to off load and gain others thoughts x

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 22:24:05

You sound lovely, smiley

Hissy gives great advice, and doesn't she make you feel somehow safe in her hands ?

Hissy Mon 29-Apr-13 22:41:59

Aw, AF... gerroffit! <blushing>

Having spent 10 years in mindfuckery central, trying to second guess a lunatic, discovering the ability to try not to panic, to bide my time and gather my wits is an absolute blessing.

These men EXPECT hysteria, and panic. Panic weakens us. So deep breath, think about YOU, what makes you happy, what you need, and where you want to be on the other side of this.

You know he's blown it with you, and that you need to regain the dignity he stripped by this humiliation of not bothering to clear up his mess, and to have signed up o such an obvious nsa site, really has torn it. He could have got rid of it all, but no your friends found him.

The marriage, as it was, is over. You get to decide what happens next. New rules are to be written.

You are in complete control. You can handle it all too. Because you're a mumsnettet, you're packing serious heat, and he's totally outgunned!

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 23:01:19

Thanks for that AnyFucker, gormless more than lovely but really finding the support uplifting and keeping me positive!

Hissy , I think I need to screen shot your last post , you are a person of my own heart.
Too true , I am keeping calm so I can handle this to the best of my ability and aim to arm myself with confidence when ready, it is my only weapon when finding myself in a situation I didn't plan.

This mans actions have repercussions on my kids lives and our futures and true, the humiliation has taken away my dignity, but I want to face him, looking my best inside and out, with a clear head, even if I am pooing myself, he won't be able to see it, thanks to all your support! Xx

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 23:06:33

I had forgotten how it feels to feel safe, I hope one day I regain that feeling.
H is on a course for a week, and gosh don't I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders And I have replaced him , we'll let's say his side of the bed is now being warmed up by our family dog who up until tonight was banned from our bedrooms L o L night xx

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 23:07:44


THERhubarb Tue 30-Apr-13 11:36:29

I think you are focusing too much on the fact that these profiles were set up last year Smiley. Yes it is true that he hasn't accessed them since but he hasn't deleted them has he? Do you not have to pay an annual fee to remain on a dating website?

It's not just about the websites. He lied to you last year. He had the opportunity then to talk to you properly about his reasons for setting up the profile but he didn't.

He lied about only using it for curiosity. In my mind, you don't pay to join two dating websites (one for married people) and set up a very detailed profile if you are only curious. He had one purpose in mind and that was to have an affair.

He's also coming across as very controlling - breaking up friendships, expecting sex from you even after surgery, throwing your past back in your face, spreading rumours about you. I honestly find that most distasteful - who would spread rumours like that about their own partner?

The way he tackles confrontation too - turning it all round so that you are to blame, almost making you feel guilty for daring to question him. He sounds like a piece of work.

Has he ever allowed you to forget about your male friend? Does he still use that in arguments against you? Has he never apologised for his actions then?

Don't you feel guilty about bringing this up now, he wouldn't would he? You have every right to demand to know what was going on. For all you know, he could have other profiles on other dating sites that are active. How could you tell? How can you trust him when he has already lied to you? You've never hidden anything from him, you've been nothing but truthful and open to him and at the very least you deserved some respect back. To have a profile on a married dating site which lists where he is from is really wiping your nose in it.

He clearly thinks you are a fool and for me that would also be unforgiveable at this stage.

Charbon Tue 30-Apr-13 11:55:40

It's sad to see a poster on here believing that she can prevent her partner's infidelity, but OP your testimony is very powerful at countering that myth. Very often seeking opportunities outside of a relationship has got nothing to do with any dissatisfactions within it and it is in any case impossible to control another person's behaviour.

I really endorse all the wise posts about anger. It is an extraordinarily helpful emotion.

OP your mantra should be you did not cause this, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. You are only responsible for your own actions and responses. Your partner is trying to be unfaithful at every opportunity. What you do now is an active choice. If you ignore this again, you are in effect choosing to stay with someone who will not be faithful.

THERhubarb Tue 30-Apr-13 12:03:24

God I would be so livid!

He told people you were having an affair! The bloody cheek of it!
He ruined your close friendship.
He pressurises you into having sex after surgery with no regard or thought for your welfare.
He paid for and opened up two dating profiles.
These profiles are still up there for all to see, including your friends and neighbours so everyone will be aware of his intentions.
If you dare to question him, he throws everything back in your face.
He has robbed you of your confidence and bled your emotions dry.
He has lied to you.
He has strung you along by pretending to be a doting husband (and those love texts you get every day, aren't they just another way of controlling you?)

I would be beside myself with rage. I think that you are in shock and the anger will come soon.

SmileyEyez Tue 30-Apr-13 17:13:35

Just got in and read your posts THErhubarb and Charbon, what you both say is completely true of him and me.
I have spent the day enjoying the sun, walking on the beach and having lunch with a friend to take my mind off things ?

He is away and I am feeling great, it puts it in perspective how I would feel away from him now, I would feel free and unburdened, or is that an overdose of long awaited sunshine.?
Got 3 more days without him lol xx

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 19:18:20

Every day could be relaxed and stress-free, like today.

SmileyEyez Tue 30-Apr-13 19:34:59

I realise that now, it's an amazing liberating feeling.
I am building up myself and thoughts in this period, keeping my head clear and working out my future xx

THERhubarb Tue 30-Apr-13 20:12:04

Good luck Smiley, remember that you have support here if you need it x

SmileyEyez Tue 30-Apr-13 20:21:18

Thank you , I do need support through this, just to know I am not going mad!lol

It seems surreal and scary being in a situation I don't want to be in with the thought to of confronting him too, not nice and something I am dreading .
Just glad it's sunny and I can put things on the back burner.

If anything has come out of this ,it's the realisation I want a new life and future, just have to deal with a lot of poo first to get where I want.

Afraid I will keep popping up boring the socks off people just to keep momentum .xx

Hissy Wed 01-May-13 00:06:07

Carry on posting, you will need it to keep wading through the crappy bit between now and freedom.

Get an image or an idea in your mind and aim for it.

For me, it was knowing that staying with him, I'd never go on a nice European Holiday, as he hates every nationality that isn't his. And his are a shower of wankers at the best of times. [honest truth]

Last year I went to see friends in Mallorca, me and my boy. grin it was lovely!

The last straw was him telling my best friend's H that I'd been in a mental hospital for 5 years. That was it. That killed it dead. Anything he said to me, I said, Why would you want to be with someone who had been in a Nut House for 5 years. etc etc etc. drove him MAD grin

You can do this.

If little old me can escape being stuck in a hellhole country, 4 flights up, and a million miles from anyone vaguely civilised, overcome ensuing agoraphobia and anxiety... then you can hold out for this.

Why? cos you are owed at least the happiness I have now. I tell you sometimes life is so good, you feel like you will explode with happiness.

Trust me. All that is yours too.

SmileyEyez Wed 01-May-13 09:02:13

Wow you went through hell and back Hissy, I wish I could be as strong as you.
I am finding the space helpful but my tummy is beginning to churn a little and my heart feels funny knowing when he comes home tomorrow all the feelings of anguish will be back in full throttle.

It's more excepting the life I wanted with him doesn't exist , that's why I needed reassurance that I am not being too hard on him bringing out the site he was on last year, even though I had forgiven him for the other one he had been on.
My mind was going round in circles, because I was feeling guilty at the thought of bringing it up! LOL

I am glad things worked out fir you Hissy, I will try to use your tactics and not let my soppy ness get in the way if my better judgement xx

THERhubarb Wed 01-May-13 14:09:42

The feeling of an impending confrontation is awful isn't it? You can feel your lips begin to wobble and your legs go to jelly before you've even said anything!

Just make sure that you take full control of that conversation. Tell him calmly what you have found. Mention that your friend and all her friends saw his profile so no doubt other local people will have also seen it.

He will come up with a hundred excuses about it being a year ago, it was just curiosity, he was stupid, etc. You don't have to answer any of that. You just state what you have found, how it has made you feel, your other suspicions, his jealously and then you tell him what YOU are going to do.

No recriminations, no tears. Take control of the argument by just stating what will happen next. Don't get drawn into a fight about your previous friendship or anything else, let him huff and puff all he likes, let him level accusations at you, don't answer them. Just repeat your plans very calmly.

By staying calm and focused on what you have to say you will have the upper hand and he will find it impossible to argue with you.

Best of luck and yes, we are all still here for you.

SmileyEyez Wed 01-May-13 16:16:04

Thank you THERubarb.

I think I will have to print that out and stick it in my pocket.

I am afraid I am a coward , I will need loads of support and words of wisdom as I am a chicken by nature and never in my life had to confront any one not even a relationship, not even in teens, I was the one dumped( thankfully in some cases) but I never could do it! Lol

This time, I know I have to get the guts from some where and face him. It's not on really is it when people poo on you, we have to make choices which affect other people's lives, all because he is a plonker, and I am going to be the person who breaks up the family and marriage , there isn't any justice is there?

I guess a few months, years down the line I will be happy I was strong, just have to muster up some bionic powers from some where to help me use my mouth and brain at the same time without turning into jelly!

At least this has broken my spirit this time which is keeping me calm .x

Hissy Wed 01-May-13 20:06:56

honey, you're stronger than I was, so honestly, don't allow anyone to steal a second f your life if they don'tadd to it.

Am stunned that anyone can use a phrase like 'obliging in the bedroom department' (see the op)

That actually means, 'I let him fuck me' .

ie, I 'oblige him' even when he's a faithless deceitful nobber.

Not a marriage. Not even a friendship.

I speak as a wife who was in the op's position btw - so am really really hoping that in a short amount of time the OP will share my perspective: that she is being used and abused by a lying shagger who is laughing at her.

Bin him op.

OhHullitsOnlyMeYoni Wed 01-May-13 20:37:00

OP you re not the one breaking up the marriage here - you are merely ending it after he has declared it an 'open' one without consulting you first.

SmileyEyez Wed 01-May-13 22:35:46

I think UnlikelyAmazonian, I was referring to our relationship before the revelations , just saying our relationship between the sheets was above normal as was suggested I upped my game to keep him content .
I do agree it looks to me that my H wants his cake and eat it and no matter what was on offer at home he still seeked fun of sorts outside, I see that now.

OhHullitsOnlyMeYoni, someone else has put that to me that he treats our marriage as an open relationship. It does seem there is one life style for him and one for me x

Hissy, I am sure I won't be as string as you, you showed determination and went through it and hell and back to but you still manage to give great advice x

Hissy Thu 02-May-13 00:06:40

Smiley, seriously, i didn't DO anything. I just let him go, and weathered all the feelings that threw up. At the time, yes, it was terrifying, because I had so little left of me, but I didn't really know that then.

FOCUS on getting past the pinchpoint of putting him into your past. It LOOKS more daunting than it really is. Seriously.

Once you have gone past this, you will look back and wonder what on earth took you so long.

Trust me. It's not a leap, it's only a step.

You 'upped your game.. between the sheets' ??

And 'the revelations' What, like 'the sausages' ?

finally 'It does seem there is one life style for him and one for me x'

no shit sherlock

Hissy Thu 02-May-13 00:18:32

We all do things that seem to make sense at the time. If you bailed at the first off moment, you would feel guilty of not trying.

It's only when you get past that point and realise that YOUR effort was all on it's own and futile, that you realise that perhaps it wasn't the greatest idea.

I did the same, I know, when I was in the depths of a controlling relationship. Just trying to make things better, because I thought it was my fault somehow.

Of course it wasn't, but it was what I had been told. for years.

When we know better, we do better.

There is NOTHING to be gained (and actually it's rather rude) to pick holes in our thinking at times like that. We need to understand what we did and why, learn and grow from the experience.

Ok Hissy. whatever.

Hissy Thu 02-May-13 00:33:36

thanks for your constructive contribution UA. Nice of you to pop by.

SmileyEyez Thu 02-May-13 07:32:52

I think some of us do blame ourselves when our OH go AWOL , we look at our relationship and wonder where we went wrong. My h has an insatiable sex drive and yes I felt I mustn't of been fulfilling my side if the bargain.

But looking back, he probably wouldn't have been satisfied if I could accomplish every position in the Karma Sutra every night, if that was possible.

Activity is less now , because I can't be the person I was with the stranger I now see, but I guess that will come up in the face off, as a reason he went off to look else where, when are ally 12 months ago ill or not nothing changed as his attention never wavered !

The grass is always greener in the other side! Lol unless its Astro turf, or how ever you spell that.

Wowserz129 Thu 02-May-13 07:41:19

What the hell OP. what can be innocent about having a full blown profile on a affairs website?? There's a strong chance he was accusing you of having an affair to cover he was! Wake the hell up, what are you going to do about it? Above all I would be so humiliated that my friends found it.

SmileyEyez Thu 02-May-13 07:53:21

I am humiliated. sad

SmileyEyez Thu 02-May-13 09:48:03

My H has been away all week and I lowered myself to check the profile to see if he had been on at all.

He hasn't been on still since last summer and I think if he was going to be tempted it would be while he is far away ?????

Half of me feels bad doubting him and now doing a full circle thinking he clearly isn't using the site, am I validated in bringing it up?

This is a question, not a turn around , just pondering !
Maybe he has changed :/

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 02-May-13 10:24:06

He might be using other sites or may already have found suitable FWBs and is in touch with them via other means.

Teeb Thu 02-May-13 10:24:53

You don't know he's changed op. All you know is the proof you have that this is persistent behaviour he's displayed, and that he's a lying shit quite frankly.

Who's to say he hasn't changed his allegiance to some other sordid sex/dating website? One that you or your friends haven't discovered yet?

SmileyEyez Thu 02-May-13 11:23:45

What if he has changed?

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 02-May-13 11:28:44

You need proof that he has changed - we always say on here actions speak louder than words. Has he removed his accounts? has he been working on himself to find out what issues and flaws that was in him and addressing these? has he been honest and open with you about what he did or is he still denying everything?

SmileyEyez Thu 02-May-13 11:40:17

Not approached him about the last find yet because I know what he will say, probably someone else put it on as a joke!

The other he totally denied, saying it was an old account he hadn't closed, yet I know the date his opened it, altered it etc......they make convincing liars !

Sorry just going through things on my mind.
Had a nice few days of peace, not thought about anything and enjoyed the sunshine and got out for lunch a few times.

Now he is due home everything is flooding back and I feel like a bunny boiler not the happy go lucky women I have felt these past few days. smile

THERhubarb Thu 02-May-13 11:49:23

Smiley, seriously, look at your relationship even without these revelations.

He is selfish in the bedroom
He is controlling
He turns arguments around so that the focus is on you and not him.

Are you really happy with this man? Does he treat you with respect and cater for your needs?

I don't know if he has changed. Why leave the profiles up if he has? Why not delete them unless he thought he might use them at some stage?
Have you looked on other dating websites?

Thing is, you now have this seed of doubt in your mind. Can you honestly trust him? Do you know that he's alone whilst away?

How would he react if you told him you couldn't have sex for a while? Would be be caring towards you, worried about you, respectful of your decision? Or would he sulk and pressure you to give in?

Only you know what kind of relationship you have with him. All I can tell you is that you should never settle for second best. You deserve more. Don't just stick with him because it's the safest option unless you want to throw away your chance to be happy. Happiness is not something that should be compromised on.

I would want to know why he has not deleted the profiles.
Why he set them up.
What he is going to do about it and how he can prove himself to you.
Actions speak louder than words. Sending texts every day is easy and it's a great way to keep you focused on him.

I'm not saying you should walk away but I do think you need to consider what role you both play in this relationship and if that role is equal. If it isn't then you do need to act because I have a feeling that sooner or later, he will reactivate one of those profiles and seek his fun elsewhere. The intention was there - what has changed since?

THERhubarb Thu 02-May-13 11:52:30

Denial is a bad start. Unless he is completely honest with you then how can you move forward? If he continues to lie about setting them up, if he continues to deny it than that would tell me you have a man who is incapable of being honest and has no problem in deceiving you.

Without honesty I really don't think you can go anywhere. You can't draw a line under it all, you can't work on forgiveness, you can't sort through your problems. You will always be left wondering.

That's no way to carry on a relationship.

Charbon Thu 02-May-13 12:05:16

Yes - don't view the infidelity and attempts at it, in isolation.

Look at your whole relationship and try to see that like all infidelity, this is not an aberrant set of events. The people most likely to be unfaithful are those who are already selfish and with deep-rooted character flaws that are relationship-damaging in their own right. If there is a 'good' side to infidelity, it often makes partners who had previously been bargaining away character faults, to sit up and realise that the infidelity was merely a natural consequence of behaviours that had previously been overlooked.

In factual terms, it is extremely likely that your husband has profiles on several sites (there are loads of married dating sites) and that he uses them to make initial contact and then once phone numbers and contact details are swapped, has no further activity on the sites themselves.

It's possible to rebuild a new relationship after infidelity, but not when there are lies about what has happened. To rebuild a relationship your husband would need to admit that he has been seeking/having sex with new partners and promise to change. I would think in this case the likelihood of him a) admitting that and b) changing - must be very slim indeed.

You really don't need proof about any of this. You have found him twice on sex dating sites, you don't trust him, you know he lies, he has humiliated you in front of friends and lots of aspects of his behaviour in your relationship over the years have made you unhappy.

Those really are reasons enough to leave a relationship. But you need to give yourself permission to do that.

SmileyEyez Thu 02-May-13 12:46:58

That's true I seem to be working my way through this so when we are over I don't have any regrets , but yes it's my way of trying to give myself permission to end this.

This may not seem right but I feel guilty thinking of the positives of splitting up, possibly starting a new relationship, being happy!

Why does this thought make me feel in the wrong or is this me accepting ?

THERhubarb Thu 02-May-13 13:08:54

Maybe, deep down, you don't think you deserve to be happy? Just a thought but you might benefit from counselling to undo the psychological damage he has no doubt cause. Let's face it, you have felt under pressure to 'perform' in order to keep him and you have made many sacrifices for his sake. You've put yourself on the back burner and no longer feel worthy of attention or happiness.

Try to remember who you were before he came long and ask yourself if the old you would have put up with this treatment. You DO deserve to be happy and if that is without him then so be it. He ended the relationship when he started lying to you. He made that choice and continues to make it. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You opened your heart to this man and gave him everything. Now it's time to move on and give your heart to someone who is capable of giving in return.

Charbon Thu 02-May-13 13:52:47

The human psyche has a way of normalising behaviour in others in order to protect something for oneself. It's also a drip-drip effect so it starts with low level selfish behaviour such as domestic laziness and as each incident gets bargained away, the overall pattern of behaviour becomes the new 'norm'. So because you aren't good at confrontation and also sound over responsible, I expect that by the time the sex became unsatisfactory you had normalised so much that it didn't seem as much of a red flag. Then came the obvious evidence of infidelity in the summer, but you bargained it away again and created a new 'norm' in the relationship.

In all this, you are tryng to protect yourself from ending a relationship and all that it means. I'd like to think that if he'd started with infidelity, that would have been such a shocking 'norm' then that you'd have got out straight away. Instead because this has become such an ingrained patten, you're normalising it even after a second discovery and trying to find ways to explain it away again.

Miggsie Thu 02-May-13 14:06:03

Someone with his pattern of behaviour doesn't chage - read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" which encompasses the complete pathology of lying, deceiful men and how they manipulate thier partners.

SmileyEyez Thu 02-May-13 15:46:30

That makes a lot of sense Charbon, it's as though part if me is used to it, the other fighting to make me free myself, all makes a lot of sense and is meeee to a T xx

THERhubarb Thu 02-May-13 15:51:07

You might benefit from some time alone, just to rediscover yourself. You need to love who you are and have some fun with friends. Get in touch with that old friend of yours and arrange a bloody good night out. Be with people who lift your confidence and your spirits.

You can't ever allow yourself to be taken advantage of like that again.

Charbon Thu 02-May-13 15:57:21

One of the most helpful ways of looking at this objectively is to imagine this was your mum, daughter, sister or friend in this relationship with this man. What would you want them to do?

Another good test is to imagine that this happened before kids, houses, marriage contracts and that no-one knew you had a relationship so leaving it would ruffle no feathers. What would you do?

SmileyEyez Thu 02-May-13 16:14:19

Miggsie, I think I do see a trait in him but sometimes I feel I am being too critical, like many of us are sometimes, or making things out for the worst.

My gut feeling is there is something deep down in him that won't change.

Also I am scared he may be different with his next partner and I will live a life of regret... Just one of many thoughts I am trying to illiminate

SmileyEyez Thu 02-May-13 16:18:59

THERhubarb, I have just had such days while he is away and you are right, I felt empowered , amazing, now he is coming home, panick fills me!!

I am afraid I found out recently , without me knowing , my dad was exactly like my husband right up until his death, their traits are so similar and I didn't know any of it, except one digression when I was 7.

They were so similar in there ways its scary , but I didn't see any of this in my dad when he was alive.

True, I wouldn't want any one to put up with a bloke like him, xx

SmileyEyez Thu 02-May-13 16:20:29

I am feeling I am getting some where with this feed back, a long haul but its making sense of my mixed feelings, when I should have run a mile ages ago xx

THERhubarb Thu 02-May-13 16:44:52

If you have children, is this the legacy you want to leave them? You have unwittingly gone for the same type of man your father was, so what do you think your daughter will do? How will your sons grow up?

Look, even if he is better with another partner, the simple fact is that he wasn't with you. This means that you just aren't right for each other. If he stays with you he may never be the trustworthy, caring man you want him to be. Clinging onto a futile hope that he might come round is useless. Did it do your mum any good?

The thing which sticks out the most from your posts now is how happy you are without him, like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. He is dragging you down day by day and without him you truly feel liberated. That for me signals that you would be happier without him.

I really do think you need counselling to deal with your confidence issues as it's clear from your posts that you don't trust your own judgement, that you fear confrontation, that you are easily cowed and that you are afraid of making decisions. If you deal with these issues then you will change your whole attitude and the next man who comes along had better damn well show you a bit of respect!

There will be another man because you sound lovely. You obviously have a lot of love to give someone. You are loyal, kind-hearted, caring, thoughtful and intelligent. There is someone out there who deserves you but it's not this creep.

Charbon Thu 02-May-13 16:51:49

This behaviour is rarely relationship-specific smileyeyez. In fact as you have realised, it wouldn't matter if everything was perfect in his relationship, your husband would still be attracted to sex with new people.

Some people (this is not behaviour that's confined to men) grow out of it, or get fed up with the trail of destruction they wreak and the financial and human costs associated with it. Some people only stop when they run out of opportunities and are unable to attract new partners any longer. Un-romantic though it is and despite new partners believing they've 'cured' a philanderer, the truth is rather more mundane and practical.

If your husband is young and attractive to other women, this behaviour is likely to transcend several subsequent relationships.

OhHullitsOnlyMeYoni Thu 02-May-13 17:04:12

OP, to be flippant, even if he was with a new partner all you have to do is search the web and he'd be 'available'... sad

THERhubarb Fri 03-May-13 11:03:24

Hope you are ok OP?

I was thinking about this the other day and thought how horrible it was that you feel he'd somehow be different with another partner, like you are somehow to blame for his roving eye. Why do women feel they need to be perfect wives and perfect lovers in order to keep their men with them? Why this pressure to conform to what their partners want? I never hear of a man saying that.

He's sucked so much of your confidence away that even when he's blatantly in the wrong you will shoulder the bulk of blame. Please don't do that to yourself. This man will never be satisfied with just one woman at home. He'll treat any subsequent partner just the same sadly sad

SmileyEyez Fri 03-May-13 11:53:20


Sorry I had made a post this morning but It didn't appear for some reason.
,if I remember rightly it was thanking you(THERubarb and Charbon for really logical and grounded posts, you both seem to have a great grasp of the human nature and understand how people tick.

It's true especially as we get older we feel disposable and yes we feel we have to be a certain way in the bedroom or be considered boring or frigid . We feel there are high expectations and if we don't fulfill them there is always someone else to fill them.
How many times do you see people with sexual relationship problems, if the female cant or doesn't want sex the consensus is the bloke has the right to look else where, if the scenario was the opposite, we wouldn't think oh, I,m not getting it at home so I can look else where! Lol sorry think it hit a nerve! smile

I am not too sure he has sucked the confidence out of me, maybe me being such a coward at important times and not dealing with things how I really wanted to is the bit the has worn me down.

In my post that didn't appear I said !I wish someone could slip into my body for a day , deal with my H and I could slip back when it was over and start my new life! smile

I think rejection is something that damages the soul too, knowing the person I live with is capable of offering what should have been sacred between us, to other people so boldly and unashamedly, that hurts the most.

THERubarb and Charbon I wish I had your heads on my shoulders you make so much sense and are well balanced people as too are lots of other posters who,s advice is helping me to make baby steps to exit, and listening to me not getting anywhere as I search for the light! Lol;)

THERhubarb Fri 03-May-13 12:37:49

It's a misogynistic society we live in that's for sure. For every person who says that porn and page 3 girls do no harm, I wish I could show them your post. Women are the submissive ones, giving in to the mens demands whilst men are always dominant and in control. It's a perversion of sex really, an unequal union where the woman is ruled over and like you say, there is this attitude that if she doesn't satisfy his demands, he will go elsewhere.

Yet there are still many men who don't operate like that. I still hold onto the belief that the majority of men in fact do recognise women as their equal sexual partners and would not make unreasonable demands in the bedroom or make their partners feel guilty or like failures for not supplying them with sex on tap.

His attitude is in a minority and if he were to attract another partner, she would no doubt be expected to satisfy his demands just as you were.

I know you are dreading the confrontation so perhaps you should approach it as if someone else had slipped into your body for the day. It's just acting. List the qualities you think you will need to handle him and adopt those qualities. Switch off the thoughtful and sensitive you for a while and become another person altogether.

Stick to facts and statements and pretend that you are in a play, where nothing he says really affects you because it's all just an act. Keep your emotions in check and hit him with reason and logic. Then tell him what your future plans are or what you have decided to do. Don't ask for his agreement, you don't need his permission.

If he starts getting defensive and shouty, just walk away and state that you'll be ready to talk again once he's got over his tantrum.

Distance yourself emotionally from it all and it really does help you to get through it and remain fully in control.

Oh and it's far easier advising someone when you are looking from the outside in. I'm sure in your position I would not be this level-headed!

Wishing you lots of luck x

BejesusIAmBroken Fri 03-May-13 12:52:14

Hi OP. Perhaps you would like to look at my thread in the secret place? It may help. Hugs xxx

SmileyEyez Fri 03-May-13 16:22:48

THERuhubarb, I think you are right in a caring relationship with the right person expectations are different.
I think my H thinks any lack of interest is a criticism to him, and knowing there is tension causes all sorts of things between a couple and nothing happens naturally.

It also makes a person feel under valued if the sex side is looked at as the only way to show you care.
If there was no sex my h would feel there wasn't a relationship. I would beg to differ because I feel if there were problems and a man showed patience he would gradually win his partner back in the bedroom and a deeper respect would grow too.

I found myself doing things or being someone I didn't want to be, because I felt I wasn't adventurous enough, nothing sordid but out of my comfort zone. When he was on the dating site it was like a smack in the face and how I had tried to keep him happy in the bedroom was to no avail. I have held back slightly to gain my self respect but I know he thinks now of me as the boring wife who doesn't enjoy sex, he hasn't said so but I can tell. And since I found out about the adult dating site he was on last Summer I do my best to keep away until I get the strength to leave or throw him out.

I know when the end comes I will get the blame for being the uninterested party, when my sex drive is up there with the rest but feeling used now I pull away from him in the nicest possible way!

Typing this out is like taking the weight off my shoulders as I work through things , ;)

THERhubarb Fri 03-May-13 17:34:20

No-one should feel pressured to do things they don't want to do. That smacks of him having no respect for you or your feelings. He is a selfish lover who probably wouldn't fulfil your fantasies but would insist you fulfil his. It's all about him in this relationship isn't it? His needs, his feelings, his sexual appetite, etc.

There can be a lack of sex through all sorts of things including anxiety, childbirth, pregnancy, depression, medication, tiredness, impotence, etc. I'm sure if he suffered impotency you would still be there for him but it sounds as if he wouldn't be there for you.

I would get out now to be honest. This man is taking advantage. You also really need to speak to someone about your feelings and expectations. You don't say if you've had previous relationships but you must realise that your relationship is not 'normal' in that most couples support each other through patches of celibacy, they respect each other both in and out of the bedroom and don't exert pressure on each other to perform.

I'm sorry but when the end comes, he's the one to blame for not being able to keep his dick in his pants. If he treated you with an ounce of respect then things might have been different, but he viewed you with about as much compassion as a blow-up doll. Don't let him pin the blame onto you. Nobody forced him to set up profiles on dating sites, nobody forced him to be a selfish lover, nobody forced him to trample all over your feelings. He made those choices all by himself and it's a sign of immaturity if he can't now take responsibility for them without deflecting the blame.

You are the mature one in all of this. He's just a selfish, spoilt child. I wouldn't waste any more of my energy considering his feelings because he sure as hell doesn't consider yours.

SmileyEyez Sat 04-May-13 16:32:21


H back from course, he didn't go on those sites, I thought he may be tempted!

He showed me his phone, while away he put a photo of myself on his screen saver, because he missed me!!

Confused even more?? sad sad

Hissy Sat 04-May-13 17:08:42

Smiley, this man has broken your trust of him. HE wants you to be 'up for it' and all that goes around you head is what he has done, time and time again, how you have been made the reason for this (when nothing could be further from the truth) and how the responsibility for the success or failure of this relationship has been placed on YOUR need for amnesia, and not his having caused the trouble in the first place.

Some women can live with infidelity, others can't.

You have given this a good shot, it has hurt you and further eroded the self confidence you did have, and now you are conflicted.

I can't think of anything to make me feel LESS amorous than what your H has done. Who in their right mind would want to shag someone who does that, does he not acknowledge that?

You are fighting your own instincts here, and that is never a good idea.

The phone image is too little too late. he could have done that on the way home. Where was his 'missing you' when he signed up for When was he thinking of you then?

You are not confused by this, you don't believe him, or believe IN him, and he is closing the stable door when the horse has long bolted and probably a burger by now.

You've had time alone. How did you feel when he wasn't there. If it's more peaceful, less anxious, then you know that is what your instincts/body is telling you.

He NEEDS counselling, to work out why he thinks sex = love. With a fucked up view of relationships like that, he'll never be happy, and more over, the longer you stay with him, neither will you.

You can do this. Your journey in life has to take the right path. The path he needs to tread is his own. Whether or not you walk together is beyond your control.

SmileyEyez Sat 04-May-13 17:59:00

Thanks for that Hissy, again what you say is 100% right, I just needed pushing back on track, hence my post! smile

Everything you said is too true?

As for what you said about the bedroom and his past, his view is the past is past and I am holding on to it instead of letting go! Lol before you say it, I don't go with what he says.

He does have amnesia for everything he does, he believes he hasn't done anything, he total puts it to the back of his mind.

That is the reason I have kept mum so far, to build myself up ready for the exit?

Thank you again for backing me up smilesmile

Hissy Sat 04-May-13 18:07:27

Oh yes, amnesia.... I was expected to have that too. It's really inconvenient to them that we remember every fucking shitty thing they do to us. If only we could pretend it never happened... then there would be no consequences.

If you kill someone, expect to be sentenced.

If you kill a relationship by treachery, cruelty, lies and abuse of trust, expect to be dumped.

To stay in a relationship like that is somehow a reflection on US and our self esteem.

Well, we owe it to ourselves to demand at least decent treatment of us.

the past is the past eh? well he is part of that past, he caused that past, he IS that past. he is and WILL be YOUR PAST.

Your future is without him. Of that I'm sure. Your future will be happier without him. of that I am CERTAIN.

He's a cheat. WTF does anyone want with one of those?

((((HUG))) you are doing fine, just ignore all the BS he's spouting. It's all about him and his feelings. You STILL don't figure in his thinking. He just wants to be let off the hook.

SmileyEyez Sat 04-May-13 19:40:03

Lol he says I dwell too much on the past but I haven't mentioned anything since last year.

True I sit here and wonder WHY?

SmileyEyez Sat 04-May-13 23:04:17

Thank you for all your words of wisdom, please don't think I am weak if I keep popping up for more advice!

It's really helping me smile

Hissy Sat 04-May-13 23:31:12

You're not weak, you're working this through. You need to get your head round it all. It'll come.

SmileyEyez Tue 07-May-13 12:50:51

H has only been home a few days and I think my emotions are beginning to kick in. He was away for nearly a week and I enjoyed he peace and no pressure of having to pretend.

I have noticed how I see him in a different light after being apart and finding it incredibly hard to keep a civil tongue in my head.

All I see now is a sleazy, creepy, liar, he even looks different to me and his body scent smells of a different man now, not the bloke I was in love with.

I think this being patient to sort things out is happening in a natural way, I can't even pretend to be nice..

I had to laugh, I don't think he is aware that when he signed up to Married Affairs .com last summer that he was automatically put on at least another four sites, exact same profile, in fact they have the same people on just different unpleasantly named but apt titles..

Not sure wether I should print out all the sites he is on and present them to him on D Day? Lol

badinage Tue 07-May-13 12:53:19

Websites aren't allowed to do that without the user's permission, so if he's on lots of different sites he does know about it and has consented to it.

SmileyEyez Tue 07-May-13 12:58:24

I thought that but on each site the photos of the other people are exactly the same , same wording and in the same order too, just a different title, which leads me to believe they join one site and are put on other sister sites, they seem connected either that or the same men have enrolled on exactly the same sites as my H ? The lay out and everything is identical on each site. smile

SmileyEyez Tue 07-May-13 13:01:31

Sorry misread your post, I joined the site as a bogus user( strike me down for stooping to his level) I wasn't asked to consent to joining the other sites, though I think I should check to see ifvm bogus profile has unfitted lay ended up on Hess sites too. I feel a bit like a seedy Sherlock Holmes,, keeps me alert!, lol

SmileyEyez Tue 07-May-13 13:02:21

Sorry about typing errors above smile

badinage Tue 07-May-13 13:05:08

Having trouble understanding your posts, sorry. It will be in the terms and conditions of the site.

OhHullitsOnlyMeYoni Tue 07-May-13 13:18:33

It sounds as though he has just c&p'd his wording and used the same pic. I don't think it would sign you up automatically without his permission - looks to me as though he has spread his net.
Something that keeps bugging me is where he was last week. Do you know for sure he wasn't with someone he met on one of these sites? I can't help but wonder as weeks away can be a good chance for men like this to kill two birds, so to speak. A friend of mine caught her ex out when he told her he only had 1 week's worth of holiday left and had told her he had been on a business trip when it was actually a hol with another woman...
I hope that doesn't come over wrong, I just want to know if it had crossed your mind.
Being aware of his actions will let you see what outsiders see more. It is healthy but hard at the same time.

BeCool Tue 07-May-13 13:56:19

I used an online dating site years ago - I was automatically linked into loads of different dating websites which was very annoying. I don't recall being asked and if I was I would not have consented. It just happened.

SmileyEyez Tue 07-May-13 13:58:26

Yes it did cross my mind, he showed me emails from his company and letters with the company stamp franked on the envelopes too, but yes I wondered if he got someone to email him from work and send him the letter too .

This may seem a bit weird to you, but I wouldn't put anything past him now , and I am beyond caring, I am counting the days and using the days together to my advantage , ie just collecting info for the solicitors and waiting to change my job too, and looking for rented accommodation, all take time.

The only Benoit to all this is, I have time to collect my feelings, silently say goodbye and accept my marriage has died a million deaths. This way I am in the safety of my own home, my kids happy as I get my head and feelings around what I am going to do. Xx

THERhubarb Wed 08-May-13 13:51:36

He has gone to extraordinary lengths to present you with evidence hasn't he?

I take it you have told him what you have discovered?

I don't know about the multiple sites bit but it is possible I suppose that their profiles are put on other sister sites because these men will have paid to join and so they obviously want something for their money. By putting them on various other sites they have a higher chance of getting somewhere.

He could have made contact with someone already and come to an "arrangement" with her. Let's face it, why would he pay to join if he didn't want an affair? That would be the main issue for me, that he fully intended to have an affair and even used our money to pay for it.

I wish you lots of luck for the future x

THERhubarb Sat 11-May-13 11:25:08

Just wondered how things are?

SmileyEyez Sat 11-May-13 11:47:52

Hi, THErhubarb, just seen your last two posts.

No I haven't told him yet that I know about the sex site or sites as it stands now.

Things are the same, up and down , feel like poo too, he is fixing my gear box on my car at the moment as its on its way out and without a get away car I am stuck! ( just making light)

Today I don't know why , I feel sick and violated if that makes any sense.

THERhubarb Sat 11-May-13 12:21:18

Hmmm, I think you will carry this feeling of bitterness and resentment with you inside which will actually make you feel ill. You are holding it all in and apart from on here, have you told anyone in real life?

You need to let rip. Keeping this inside you will not do you any good in the long run. I'm a firm believer in communication and although I know you don't like confrontations you will actually feel released once you've let it all out.

If you are making plans to leave then I think it's only fair to tell him. You don't have to listen to his pleas or his denials or his excuses because after all, we know now that this goes far deeper than a profile on a dating site. This is about his treatment of you, his selfishness, his control issues and your feelings of being used like a slab of meat in the bedroom. You are not compatible and he needs to know this so that you can both move on.

Please don't make yourself ill over this. It's a horrible thing to carry around inside you. Let it go and start to move on xxx

SmileyEyez Sat 11-May-13 13:41:29

He will only deny everything,

I will end up believing him,

I will always be here,

And he will do it again? Xx

THERhubarb Sat 11-May-13 15:28:32

Fair enough SmileyEyez but I think you should have more faith in yourself than that. You have this thread to remind you of all the salient points made, to remind you of how he makes you feel, to remind you of the bigger issues behind the sites.

But by all means, make your escape first, set the wheels in motion and start towards gaining financial independence. Find yourself somewhere to stay, set up your own bank account, start applying for benefits that you might be entitled to and then leave. Once you are in a safe place you might feel stronger. Good luck.

SmileyEyez Sat 11-May-13 15:49:31

Sorry, I hope you didn't think my last post a bit blunt THERhubarb, it wasn't meant to be?

I have told a couple of people about the situation, who also new about the past things too, 4 persons.

They are all in agreement, the move is the best bet as other things haven't worked before and I always fall for the tears of regret, but in my heart I know this time is time.

It is a cowards way out, but what he does is too?

I have set my heart on starting fresh and leaving my lovely home behind, but this too holds all my memories, I need to wake up, looking out of another bedroom window to start my new life and take on a set of new responsibilities .

Already looking to rent, a. Shortage of places to take my prize possession , my dog, a girls best friend, couldn't leave her behind!

I will copy all the posts to reread at my leisure to inspire me that I am not wrong to want out of this, as there is a massive amount of guilt in this.

SmileyEyez Sat 11-May-13 20:38:36

Sitting here watching Britains got talent with husband.

Tell me, am I being a prude not wanting my bum pinched or boobs groped in a normal course of life .

When I rejected these tweaks during making tea, he said, oh, I guess that means I have to make an appointment or ask permission before I touch you?

Am I being unreasonable? Xx

crazyhead Sat 11-May-13 20:47:59

I don't like what this says about your husband, OP, regardless of what has happened. To be honest, I can see how at a very rocky point in a relationship an otherwise faithful and decent person could fall 'in love' with a colleague and have a much regretted affair. Of course it isn't ideal but there is an understandable narrative to it.

But your husband signed up to these two sites in completely cold blood, because he felt entitled to 'extras' on the quiet. That isn't the rash act of a confused man, that is plain duplicity and selfishness. Is that really what you want in a marriage?

expatinscotland Sat 11-May-13 20:56:33

'Tell me, am I being a prude not wanting my bum pinched or boobs groped in a normal course of life .

When I rejected these tweaks during making tea, he said, oh, I guess that means I have to make an appointment or ask permission before I touch you?

Am I being unreasonable? Xx'

You are married to a lying, cheating skank who sees you as a fucktoy and gets annoyed when you don't put up with it.

Any person who fondled me like that would see the kerb close up during the dating stage.

SmileyEyez Sat 11-May-13 21:22:52

That's why I immediately posted on here, he seems to think by my notwanting to be treated like a 12 year old fumble, I have issues,

I grew my lady bits instead of shaving to the skin, as a way to get at him as one of the other threads, and all I get is derogatory comments too.

Am I wrong to think if you truly love each other all this knits together as a joint thing, not a one way ticket.

I am not in my 20,s, 30's or 40's any more, though I am a fit healthy good looking 50 something, mistaken for late 30's on a good day!

At times like this I feel like I am an old fuddy duddy spoiling his fun, and no wonder he looks else where?

But I know this doesn't happen in the right relationship??? ;) smile

mathanxiety Sun 12-May-13 06:00:31

He has sucked the confdidence out of you all right.

Leverette Sun 12-May-13 07:09:42

You are not responsible for any of his crappy behaviours. Do not blame yourself!

If there has been anything to be unhappy about, he could have and should have calmly and constructively discussed it like an adult.

The groping thing shows he regards himself as your owner. He is genuinely bewildered that he should ask first before touching you - because you belong into him so why can't he just help himself?

THERhubarb Sun 12-May-13 21:05:34

You know it's difficult to advise when you don't know the context. My dh might pat my bum in a friendly way or make a playful grab of my boobs but the context is always right. With you, that's not the message I'm getting.

I don't know why you have to leave exactly but I guess that's how you feel it must be? I think you are realising that you no longer love your h and you are now ready for life without him. That will take courage and I really do think you are up to it.

Once you start to see someone in a different light, the realities of the situation can engulf you. Make some time for yourself, confide in some good friends and don't ever be afraid to ask for help. There is nothing people love more than helping a friend in need. It makes them feel useful and constructive.

Take care x

SmileyEyez Sun 12-May-13 22:44:12

Do you mean, why do I have to leave, or why am I leaving him, THERhubarb? As in staying and asking him to leave after the sex site revelations? Xx

THERhubarb Mon 13-May-13 11:40:09

As in, why you feel you need to leave the marital home instead of throwing him out? I get the impression that you are making plans to leave when really, he called time on your marriage long ago so he should be the one packing his bags.

SmileyEyez Mon 13-May-13 12:14:17

Lol you had me going then THERhubarb, I thought for one moment you thought I should stay with him.

I just don't think he would leave, he will deny everything and make it plausible or excusable, he feels this is his home, he pays the mortgage and has rights.

He is a string believer that fathers in divorce , get a raw deal and he will stick by his guns!

Plus I am a coward !

THERhubarb Mon 13-May-13 12:29:44

Remember though, that he made the choice to end this marriage when he set up that profile. His behaviour towards you has just exacerbated that. He has no regard for your feelings, he puts his needs before yours, he lies and he is clearly not to be trusted. Those are all choices he has made.

You on the other hand, have gone along with his behaviour, you have tried to please him and you have believed him and forgiven him. You placed your trust in him and he has betrayed you. If the boot were on the other foot - if he found profiles of you on a dating site, would he believe your excuses? Would he accept that it was mere curiosity? Would he hell! He didn't believe your friendship with a man you knew before he came along so it does seem as though it's one rule for you and another rule for him.

You have rights too so make sure you know what they are. And you are no coward. You might not have much confidence in yourself but you're not a coward.

SmileyEyez Mon 13-May-13 13:15:56

Thank you , I will bare that in mind.
I would feel better all round if I stayed in my home, I am scared to confront him I guess, but not when you put it as you did , I need to stand my ground , xx

THERhubarb Mon 13-May-13 14:01:40

Write it all down if it helps.

I am guessing the house is in both your names, so you pay half the mortgage.
Your children live there and you don't want to unsettle him, neither should he.
It would be easier for him, as the main earner, to find a house to rent. I don't know if you work but if you don't then you might struggle as a lot of private landlords don't like taking in HB claimants.
So logic and reason dictates that actually he should leave and get a place of his own, however without his mortgage contribution you might struggle so make sure you get CAB advice - you can't get HB payments for mortgages.

I think you would fare better with some real life support around you, so do open up to people. Tell them what is happening so that they can offer you support, don't wait until he tells them his biased version of events - get in there first. Your story will be the one they remember then, not his.

When you do tell him, if you think he is going to be unreasonable then have a friend on standby who can come round to be with you.

Yes he will try to blame you if he's a coward. Remember though that you haven't forced him to join married dating sites, you haven't forced him into treating you like a sexual object, you haven't forced him into being a liar. He is already these things.

Always be ready to turn it around and ask what he would do if you behaved in this manner? You already have an inkling of exactly what he would do, so remember that and use it to your advantage. Don't feel guilty, after all he didn't feel guilty when he falsely accused you did he? He didn't feel guilty when he told your friends and family and he still doesn't feel guilty about using it to silence you during every argument.

You've given him plenty of chances, he has betrayed you, he should do the decent thing now and make plans to move out so that you have the freedom you so deserve.

mathanxiety Tue 14-May-13 02:31:47

Ugh, believes fathers get a raw deal in divorce -- this is sounding uglier and uglier. I am getting a picture of a really horrible man from your posts.

I know you have rights and if you go to a solicitor you will find you are entitled to X and Y and Z, but if I were you what I would hold more precious than material property and rights to it would be your dignity, which it seems he has gradually gnawed away at over the years

SmileyEyez Tue 14-May-13 10:50:29

He is pretty anti establishment, for a very shy and quiet man, he gets angry at the Arrive Alive van being parked in our roads, the police and of course Fathers having to pay CSA etc since he was married before and knows the ropes.
When we had problems a few years back, due to something similar , he refused to move out and lived in our old Caravan for a few months. He felt that me asking him to leave was the marriage breaker and he was going to make everything difficult for me. He was going to leave his job , make himself homeless so the house would have to be sold and he was going to make me half responsible for his debts, all this was talk but we got back together ,foolishly because I thought he would change, but he didn't .

You are right mathanxiety I want to walk away and start fresh and be free of him, something inside me though won't let him not only ruin our lives with this, but I can't turn everything over to him either .

THERhubarb Tue 14-May-13 11:21:19

I wonder what went wrong with his first marriage then? Probably something very similar.

Remember, this is his choice, not yours. He has chosen to break up the marriage due to his controlling, selfish and deceitful behaviour. You would happily stay married if he was a decent human being.

He sounds like a spoilt brat who is used to getting his own way and can't cope when he doesn't. He blames everyone else for his actions and won't take any responsibility himself.

You won't change him. Only he has the power to do that.

SmileyEyez Tue 14-May-13 11:43:58

Lol so many people have told me that recently and probably is soo very true if him . He seems to do things on impulse, forget he has done it. His mother is an over bearing women who has always smothered her sons and they can never do wrong. In our going out days, he had, had too much to drink and after a row and I was going home I asked his mother to prevent him from following me, just in case he did as he was well over the limit! All I got was, my son isn't drunk, he doesn't do things like that , but the fact was, he was as drunk as a skunk , and she couldn't see it. In the scale of things that story is nothing really but the reason I always remember it was, she was so blind, her son was perfect and he could of got in his car and driven, luckily he didn't , so yes I know he is still spoilt by his mother.

Last time we separated , she then wouldn't accept it had anything to do with my H and she told my husband that one day she called at my house while he was at work and my best friends car was in our drive, she said she knocked on the door and I didn't answer, she left it to my husband to assume. Was in bed with my best friend( the best friend I had to give up) , I know for a fact to this day, that if I wasn't in my house we were walking my dogs if I didn't answer the door, the reason I know this even though I haven't got a clue which day she is talking about is because, nothing ever happened between us. But instead of accepting her son had been thrown out due to him messing around, she turned it around on me!,,,,, lol that still makes me fume even now !

THERhubarb Tue 14-May-13 11:49:57

I'd be tempted to take screen shots of his dating profiles and send them to her, but you know what she'd say right? That you forced her son to look elsewhere.

Look, you married a child. I'm sorry but that's the bottom line here. You will always be held responsible for anything which goes wrong in your marriage. You will be responsible for not "making" him happy and not fulfilling his needs.

He thinks the universe revolves around him but with potentially a second failed marriage behind him, he either gets his head out of his own arse or he continues this pattern of self destruction. I doubt he'll find anyone who is willing to be both his dutiful wife, passionate lover and mother all rolled into one so he is destined for a very lonely life ahead.

SmileyEyez Tue 14-May-13 11:56:51

You got it in one there THERhubarb, I do feel more like his mother now!

You are really helping me to see things for what they are and what I saw myself but I thought I was being too critical , smile

THERhubarb Tue 14-May-13 12:01:58

He made you think you were being too critical. You weren't.

Don't settle for second best, he's not the man who is going to make you happy. You gave it your best shot, you tried you best but ultimately you cannot change who he is. He'll never be satisfied because he selfishly demands too much. He needs a domestic sex slave, not an independently minded woman.

Tell your friends and family the truth. Wish him luck in his search for a slave and move on. It would be a crime to waste any more of your life on this creep. That's all time you can't have back.

You should arrange a night out and really let your hair down. A celebration of your new-found freedom!

SmileyEyez Tue 14-May-13 12:09:32

Lol I have been trying to get in trim and even booked a make over for this Friday !
My aim is , while in this present frame of mind, to make myself look the best I can, present him with the copy of the profile on the now various sites, along with a letter addressed to each member of his family( including ex wife and two adult kids) containing copies of the profile.

And tell him he has ended our marriage and its time to leave gracefully other wise All the letters will be posted ! A bit cruel and childish ? Xx

THERhubarb Tue 14-May-13 12:14:02

Not at all, although I would refrain from bringing his children into it, adult or otherwise.
Instead I would simply tell him that you have saved all the profiles you have found and they are all contained on an email which has the addresses of his family and friends.

Tell him that you are saving them as backup because you don't feel that he will be reasonable about your split but if he can take responsibility for his actions and behave like a mature adult, then the profiles will not be sent.

Remember that he will try to use your friend against you, but he has no evidence, just hearsay whereas you have the evidence.

Good luck

SmileyEyez Tue 14-May-13 12:18:45

Thank you x

THERhubarb Tue 14-May-13 12:24:07

Remember though, this is not just about the profiles, which he'll excuse away, this is about the choices he continues to make which are selfish, disrespectful and hurtful and it is these which have ultimately damaged your marriage.

Those profiles are just one example of such behaviour.

mathanxiety Tue 14-May-13 14:51:03

I don't know about using a threat wrt the profiles -- delicious though the thought may be. It's one of those things that you would like to do with every sinew of your being, and it would be the just thing to do in many respects, but holding it over his head in hopes of making him 'be reasonable' wouldn't go down well with a divorce court judge.

Just tell him you have seen enough and you are tired of doing marriage all by yourself -- and if he remonstrates give him a raised eyebrow/'tired of the crap' look, and tell him it's over. Tell him he needs to go and get himself a solicitor and that you have nothing more to say on the matter. He will protest, but plough ahead and just end this according to your own schedule.

Get yourself a solicitor before you tell him to get himself one, and tell him you have already hired one when you have the final conversation (because someone like him is likely to poison the local waters by getting a free half hour out of every solicitor within 25 miles, thus making it impossible for them to take you on as a client).

BerylStreep Tue 14-May-13 17:46:35

I agree with Math. The threats about exposing him only lower you to his level.

Ultimately, this is between you and him. Not your friends, his mother, his ex or his kids. Who cares what they think, because they will think whatever they want anyway.

You sound like you want to score points off him. Don't. (I can understand why you do, because it sounds like that is his game, twisting and blaming and humiliating, but that's the sort of destructive behaviour you want to be rid of, not engage in yourself).

Play the long game, with the future prize being you being happy and no longer married to him. Imagine being able to be friends with who you want (perhaps you could resume your friendship with your former friend); not having someone who supposedly loves you spreading rumours; not worrying who your ex is sleeping with, or what seedy sites he is on; not being groped and shagged at his (insatiable) convenience.

I think you need to get some expert legal advice ASAP, even of you don't act on it straight away. FWIW I think that signing up to sex sites is sufficient to cite unreasonable behaviour.

SmileyEyez Tue 14-May-13 18:34:03

You are right BerylStreep, I think it would be childish and make me look like the person he wants me to portray too, I would be falling into his hands, I was just a childish idea. You are right, the prize is a stress free life and to get on with it .
I have got in touch with the friend, life is too short to let my husband ruin my life. Xx

BerylStreep Tue 14-May-13 21:07:30


Harriet67 Mon 20-May-13 08:44:02

smileyEyez I hope you get some good advice and find the best solution for you xxx

SmileyEyez Thu 23-May-13 10:04:54

Sorry to pop up again, just feel I am struggling and still four weeks until the kids exams are over and then I am going to present their dad with his profile on the sex site!

Finding it hard to get motivated, my legs feel heavy and no energy left or zest, I can't believe how bottling thus in is draining me fast, that I am scared I will be too shattered to tackle him next month.
At the same time I think I am digging myself a hole , I am finding it extremely difficult to be civil to my H thus making myself look unbearable to live with, giving him all the excuses and reasons to back up why he visits these sites, but I am worn out holding on. sad smile

BerylStreep Sun 26-May-13 20:47:26

Have you got any legal advice yet?

What do you intend to achieve by 'presenting him with his profile'? Are you going to ask him to leave, get a divorce?

I tank you need to be very clear about what you want, and spend some time getting your ducks in a row.

Distrustinggirlnow Sun 26-May-13 21:18:59

Hello smiley smile
I'm sorry to hear you're finding this difficult, but not surprised. I wouldn't have even been able to go a day without saying something!

All I can say is remember why you're doing this, remember why you're holding on. Your day will come.

You're doing so well envy

SmileyEyez Sun 26-May-13 21:58:26

Hi, thank you both for that, feeling a bit invisible ,.
Kids will have finished there exams after 28 June, I tried the solicitors but they charge here, no free half an hour!
As time has passed by I know I am happy to leave the marriage , no amount if niceness can change anything.

I think bidding my time has been good fir me and yes my ducks are in place .

I just wanted to get a clear head and work things through, presenting him with the profile will be the end of our marriage , hopefully he will walk away , if not I am strong enough to guide him in his way,.

Thank you for checking out my posts, I feel a bit if a ghost as it is, to know two people are there to guide me makes me feel less lone. Xx

SmileyEyez Sun 26-May-13 22:00:50

Beryl Streep , I have spent months knowing what I want to happen, I just had others to think about. My eldest has his last law exam next week and has 2 job offers , my job is done and now time to deal with the Rat! Lol xxx

BerylStreep Mon 27-May-13 17:45:02

Good luck with it.

How can you try to detach in the meantime? Can you busy yourself so that you limit the amount of contact you have with him in the house?

Do you have a spare room you can go to?

SmileyEyez Mon 27-May-13 21:54:33

Hi BerylStreep

He isn't know I know anything about his latest indiscretion, though it was last year and I only found out a while ago, so our life is pretty much the same to him and the family?

Luckily I am a positive type of person and the last disclosure about my H if anything made me realise at long last , is my marriage is over and my H won't ever change.
It's a bit calculating but over time I felt everything was my fault, but this time I realise he has issues and there isn't anything I can do about it and I can't change the situation nor him.

This to me is my grieving stage , my fair well in silence to a man I do love but a man I can't spend he rest of my life with.

My children's futures are the Most important things in my life and their exams are looming and impending and I can't let my H actions affect their lives, which is my priority. I chose to be a mum to protect them as much as I can. The exams finish in June and then. Will take the bull by the horns and face the lovely man I love with and ask him to leave .
I wold prefer o leave but finances mean I have to stay home and ask him to leave.
Life is normal , he has no idea I know anything , I walk with a dagger in my heart but its only or a few more weeks!!! smile

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