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Am I overreacting?

(59 Posts)
HittingTheRoof Sun 28-Apr-13 22:28:27

I have a feeling this may be long and I've namechanged. DP grew up with an alcoholic father (who he hasn't seen for 15 years) and a mother with alcohol problems (regularly drinks until she can't speak, will request wine at strange times of the day and sulks if we don't have any). DP recognises that his DF is an alcoholic but is in complete denial that his DM drinks too much as she still holds down a job and doesn't drink every day.

DP doesn't drink that often but like his mum he can sometimes go way to far once he does drink and end up insensible.

Today we attended a family party, we took 4 mo DS. DP drank a lot, to the point where he was slurring his words and being annoyingly useless, i.e. couldn't pack the car, losing my car keys, asking me stupid questions 8000 times etc.

When we got home he heated a bottle for DS, I went to get it while he made himself and our 2 friends a drink. It was way too hot but he insisted he'd made it the right way and got affronted when I cooled it in a bowl of water. No big deal but his reaction to me cooling it was just a bit hmm.

He then picked up DS and started throwing him about straight after his bottle and drunkenly stumbled over whilst holding him. He managed to hold him up so that DS didn't hit the floor but DP did land on his knees.

I shouted at him to give me the baby and he asked if I was trying to say he was a bad father. I took the baby and he sat down. He then made himself another alcoholic drink to show me he wasn't that drunk, was promptly sick and went to bed at 8pm.

I drove my friends home (took DS obviously), fed DS, made his bottles for the night feeds and washed up from tea all with this face on angry.

DP's still unconscious and it's no use trying to get any sense out of him now. Tomorrow I'm going to read the riot act; it's one thing to have a drink and a good time but he not only fell over holding our baby, he also fucked off leaving me to deal with the responsibility of sorting everything out.

I just needed to write it all down to get it out. I'm not going to LTB but I think we need a major talk and he needs to understand that this a massive deal for me. I had an alcoholic relative when younger and seeing him drunk and behaving irrationally when I was a child had a huge impact on me.

Am I right to be raging or am I overreacting? I am at the point of stomach churning, incandescent anger where you want to wake the person and have it out with them immediately just so that you can let it out.

Lueji Sun 28-Apr-13 22:34:56

I'd be furious too.

TBH, you have to convince him that you will leave him if he doesn't sort himself out.

And be prepared to carry on.

HittingTheRoof Sun 28-Apr-13 22:37:54

I would leave him if it happened again. There's not a fucking hope in hell I'd let him put the baby in danger. He hates his DF and I think that the way to go would be to explain that I don't want DS to see him in the light that he sees his dad.

It's been about 3 hours and I'm no closer to calm than I was when it happened.

SassyPants Mon 29-Apr-13 04:30:54

You are definitely not overreacting.

AllOverIt Mon 29-Apr-13 04:45:22

You are not overreacting. I'd be livid.

It's worth mentioning that not all alcoholics are like his DF. Many are high functioning like his DM.

mummytime Mon 29-Apr-13 06:14:08

Can you get him to go to Alanon? Maybe there he could realise that both his parents have a problem with alcohol.

To be honest with his background he should really be tee-total, it would be far far safer. I would avoid alcohol if my DH had any alcohol issues, just as friends live on a virtually gluten free diet because their DHs have coeliacs.

cronullansw Mon 29-Apr-13 06:21:19

He was a little drunk, he is allowed to be a little drunk whilst with a child, so long as his partner is sober. This is how adults do it.

He stumbled, you shouted at him - in front of his friends. This is not how adults do it.

His thread on dadsnet is saying, ''she was shouting at me in front of our friends, totally humiliating me....'

fuzzywuzzy Mon 29-Apr-13 06:27:56

He was so drunk he couldn't tell the babies bottle was too hot, had OP not intervened presumably he'd have tried to feed it to the baby.

He threw the baby about while drunk.

He fell over while holding the baby.

He kept drinking till he was sick

And then he pretty much passed out cold at 8pm leaving OP to sort everything out

That's only a bit drunk, really?

Chubfuddler Mon 29-Apr-13 06:32:07

Oh it really is tedious how you can pretend to defend the indefensible cron.

If you think a major talk is going to be the answer to the underlying problem here, you are going to end up being sadly disappointed as well as resentful.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Would you ever be prepared to walk away, you seem currently very insistent on the "I am not going to leave him" position. Was wondering why that actually is and you need to think about why you wrote that exactly; fear of "failure" on your part, DS no longer seeing Dad on a daily basis?

Both his parents are alcoholics; he should realise that alcoholics do not all drink every day nor sit on park benches with alcohol. Alcoholism can also be learnt behaviour as well so it does not totally surprise me either that your man also has problems with drink. You saw drunkenness from a male relative as a child and that has affected yourself in more ways than you perhaps realise.

If you choose to bring up your child in such an atmosphere that is up to you but ultimately you will be doing your son yourself no favours by doing so. You have a choice re your man; your child does not.

cronullansw Wed 01-May-13 01:24:41

Here is hubby trying to demonstrate his new found parenting skills to his friends and show off the new baby, admittedly whilst possibly a little too tipsy to do so in complete and perfect safety.

DW then decided she'd had enough and chose to humiliate him in front of his friends.

Chubby, that is NOT defending the undefendable. That is pointing out how DW wanted the power, the power to criticise him in front of his friends, the power to shout at him in front of his friends, the power to demonstrate her control of him in front of his friends.

This is clearly the case, if DW merely wanted to care for the child, she wouldn't have raised her voice.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Wed 01-May-13 01:41:15

Depends how often he does it.

Lueji Wed 01-May-13 04:31:10

If anyone had just almost dropped my baby as well as almost burnt his mouth, and didn't want to give up said baby, I might do more than shout.
Poor fragile men who can risk babies lives but can't be shouted at.

Chubfuddler Wed 01-May-13 04:52:34

What a load of crap.

Lueji Wed 01-May-13 05:16:44

He was a little drunk, he is allowed to be a little drunk whilst with a child, so long as his partner is sober.

Even assuming he was only a little drunk.
It is necessary that the other adult is sober because the sober one is supposed to care for the child.
NOT the drunk one!!! Even if it was just a little, which clearly wasn't.

joblot Wed 01-May-13 06:18:30

Absolutely unacceptable. 4m is too young and vulnerable for a pisshead to mess about with. Social care would be interested- he's putting baby at risk of harm by his behaviour, seriously. Your behaviour however sounds spot on, well done for standing up to his idiocy

cory Wed 01-May-13 09:43:28

Trying to imagine cronullansw explaining the fall-out at A&E:

well, he was a little tipsy, but then adults are allowed to be when there is a sober adult present, and yes, he did drop the baby on its head and it's a shame it's unconscious, but surely you must see that the really serious issue is that this woman humiliated him in front of his friends, what do you mean Social Services, have you no idea of how Adults Do It.

oldwomaninashoe Wed 01-May-13 11:04:00

No you are not over-reacting. People when drunk lose any proper sense of judgement and do stupid and often dangerous things not out of malice but from a complete inability to assess the risk involved in their stupid actions.

My DH over indulged with some work collegues one evening then got on his bike to cycle home, he doesn't remember anything until he woke up in hospital. Luckily for him a barmaid going off shift found him in a heap in the road and stopped an approaching car from running him over!!
His friends think it was highly amusing, but I had a long hard calm discussion with him when sober about whatcould have happened.

I suggest OP you do the same!

His genes are not on his side, try and get him to realise this and contact al anon for some guidance.

No, you are not overreacting. It is very dangerous behaviour, not only physically but may also scare the little one.
Very sorry that this happened, and you are right in having a very sharp word with him. I hope he takes it on board.

cronull, how you can defend someone putting their baby at risk is astonishing! you are either trolling very inappropriately, or you are very far from reality.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 01-May-13 13:30:47

HittingTheRoof, how awful!
I agree with Attila and most of the other posts.
It appears that it will come down to you to protect your baby from your husband when he is drinking. No amount of shouting/rowing about it will make any difference in the moment. Just quietly take charge of the little one because the baby is a person, not an object to show off with. Without resentment or attitude (because it would be a waste of time/brain space/emotional energy) just say 'babies and drinking adults don't mix'- and it wouldn't be out of order to put the threshold for that policy at one drink, imho.

If you do decide to stay in the relationship, well, maybe one child is enough with this man?

renovatinghouse Wed 01-May-13 15:14:03

Hello. You are definitely not overreacting. Something similar happened to me when my baby was 2 months old. He "fell" while my DP was carrying him after drinking lots of wine at dinner at home. He did not want me to take the baby to hospital because there was nothing wrong - well, there was, the baby had the skull fractured and stayed 2 days at hospital. DP was devastated but I hoped he learned the lesson, and so did I - never ever again let him take the baby after he has drunk, even a little bit.

Gosh, how awful renovating sad. I hope your baby was/is okay now

BelaLugosisShed Wed 01-May-13 16:50:19

Only a fucking misogynist moron would see this as a problem with the woman's behaviour in this situation.
No responsible parent would be drunk around a very young child, it's utterly unacceptable.

AnyFucker Wed 01-May-13 17:08:14

cronulla has a real problem with wimmin "telling men what to do"

even if it means he is quite content to defend the indefensible...what's a bit of risk-taking with a baby when the outcome is a shrill, nagging wife ?

renovatinghouse Wed 01-May-13 19:58:01

Hi Cat. Thankfully it was all fine and did not require any treatment but we were so scared and shaken. Even though my partner was not "drunk" and is by no means an alcoholic, his reflexes were slowed down by alcohol so when the baby moved quickly he could not react.

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 01-May-13 22:24:39

You're not overreacting. That's fucking awful.

Considering his family history, he needs to confront this. Now. He's denying his mother has a problem and he will probably be in denial about his own alcohol problem when you speak to him tomorrow.

Stick to your guns. Next time your DS might not be so lucky sad

Isiolo Wed 01-May-13 22:30:47

I agree with Atillas post. If you insist on staying, then I hugely recmmend finding out about CO-DEPENDANCY and ENABLING, and getting yourself to AL-ANON.

He needs to sort himself out; you need to reserve all your energy and emotions to take care of yourself and a baby, who has an alcoholic for a father

Cherriesarelovely Wed 01-May-13 22:40:21

Not over reacting at all. I absolutely hate that belligerent state some people get into when they are drunk....a relative of mine is just like that and it is awful, there is no talking to them. Putting your baby at risk in that way, first with the bottle and then with the throwing him about and falling over is dreadful and I agree that you need to have a really, really serious talk with him when he wakes up. I sometimes feel like filming my relative when he is drunk. I honestly think he has no idea how objectionable he is.

skyebluesapphire Wed 01-May-13 23:20:45

My friend tripped over holding his baby when sober and fractured the baby's skull. Somebody as drunk as your H was, should not be holding a baby. That's just commen sense.

Protect your child and insist that H seeks help.

cronullansw Thu 02-May-13 05:11:19

I think I must speak a different language to some of you......

Where did I defend him in this? I didn't defend him, I gave an alternative view of the level of his alleged intoxication. The fact is, we only have one opinion on how drunk he was, or wasn't, and this view isn't what could be known as impartial because ''stomach churning anger'' isn't conducive to accurate fact reporting. I then pointed out that op chose to shout at him in front of his friends.

Like I said, power / control.

And anyfucker, you are right, I do have a problem with wimmin telling men what to do. I DO have a problem with anyone, irrespective of gender, telling another person what to do, as that would imply the condition of superiority not recognition of equality.

Lweji Thu 02-May-13 05:38:36

It's about the baby's safety!

It's about the baby's safety!

It's about the baby's safety!

It's about the baby's safety!

It's about the baby's safety!

It's about the baby's safety!

LtEveDallas Thu 02-May-13 05:40:31

as that would imply the condition of superiority not recognition of equality

A sober person (male or female) is superior to a drunk. Especially a drunk putting a baby in danger, embarassing himself in front of his friends and ruining his own relationship.

There is no defence and no equality in a relationship where one parter is a danger to others.

Chubfuddler Thu 02-May-13 05:40:34

It is pretty pitiful that you think the most important part of all this is that the op "humiliated" her husband in front of his friends.

Boo fucking hoo.

A four month old baby was nearly dropped by his stumbling, drunk em father but of course, the really dreadful part is that a man was humiliated in front of his friends. Oh the horror.

Weegiemum Thu 02-May-13 05:52:30

We know how drunk he was : drunk enough to throw up, drunk enough to stumble and fall over, drunk enough to make a baby's bottle fr too hot.

It pest matter if that comes after one glass of wine or one bottle of vodka, it's always wrong. I honestly can't belie that cron thinks this isn't that bad. Sometimes you do have to tell another person what to do, if they are not capable too drunk of working it out for themselves.

Lweji Thu 02-May-13 05:55:04

Are you telling us, Cron, that if your wife was drunk or even just tipsy and had put your baby in danger for a second time, that you would hapily continue to let her take care of the baby?
To save her feelings in front of her friends?
And you wouldn't shout if she refused to hand over the baby to you?

If so, you are a bad parent.
And a bad husband, as I'd never forgive you for not protecting our child should I get drunk (which I wouldn't with a baby at home).

Do you even have children?

catsmother Thu 02-May-13 06:06:16

Oh FFS, when you can see something dangerous unfolding right in front of you most people don't stop to politely ask them to desist in dulcet tones. You do whatever's necessary to grab that person's attention IMMEDIATELY so they hear you and - hopefully - STOP. Your child is about to run in front of a car - do you a) ask little Johnny if he wouldn't mind being a little more careful around roads or b) do you screech their name at them as loud as you can so they freeze in their tracks ?

This is exactly the same thing. He bloody well fell over while holding the baby having already demonstrated by overheating a bottle that his faculties were impaired. What would have happened next if OP hadn't intervened ? ..... he'd presumably have tried to get up, still holding baby and chances are that given his condition he could have stumbled but that time, dropped the baby/fell on top of the baby/cracked the baby's head against something as he fell.

Of course the OP bloody shouted. She needed to - she wasn't going to stop and think about being all politically correct and "equal". This wasn't an occasion to think about such matters - it was a situation that could have very easily escalated out of control and where decisive and effective action needed to be taken. To suggest it was about some sort of power struggle between this couple is utterly ridiculous and insulting to OP.

Isiolo Thu 02-May-13 06:37:28

Actually cron is right. OP shouldn't be shouting at her drunken husband. Nor trying to control him. LOOK at his reaction to that....have another drink.

It is classic alcoholic and codependant roles/behaviour

OP, just get off the ride

Isiolo Thu 02-May-13 06:39:14

OP didn't humiliate her husband in front of their friends. He humiliated himself

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 02-May-13 08:35:34

OP, cron is suggesting you prioritise your partners need to go unchallenged about his excessive drinking over the safety of your child.

Please ignore this 'advice' with total confidence.

TalkativeJim Thu 02-May-13 11:46:53

Humiliate him in front of his friends?

He passed out in front of them at 8pm after nearly injuring his baby. I think he did a pretty good job of looking like a total wanker all by himself.

Devendra Thu 02-May-13 12:17:17

If its a one off and he apologises and it doesn' happen again then good.. If he does it again its a problem x

Hm, the problem is if he does it again, then what happens to the baby?
I'm saying this as someone who watched my drunken partner fall down the stairs with our baby twice, then over the guitar then stumble about with her. Fwiw cron, I did not shout at him or humiliate him in any way, because he was drunk and very aggressive and lord knows what he would have done had he thought I was "winding him up" about carrying the baby. Each fucking time.
End of the line is, lueji puts it beautifully: the baby's safety comes first. I hope the op had a good chat with her partner who I hope was horrified and wowed to get himself sorted out. And that he does, as for these things second chances come at a price for everyone involved.

badguider Thu 02-May-13 14:03:27

OP - are you teetotal? or do you drink occassionally?

I think that we don't have enough information to say whether your DP has issues with alcohol or not (despite his family). I do think your DP make a big mistake, but I don't think that it's helpful to take the moral high ground and make this about him being from a family of drunks.

I am currently pregnant and do NOT intend to stay teetotal once my baby is born. I will drink, and I will probably, sometime in the future, drink too much to be in charge of the baby. My DH will too.

We will have an adult conversation about taking turns to be entirely sober (able to drive) and about the one who has been drinking allowing the sober one to make ALL the childcare decisions and carry the baby, and it will apply equally to me and to him.

musickeepsmesane Thu 02-May-13 14:17:48

Hittingtheroof I hope your husband was ashamed of himself this morning. You don't really say how often he drinks to much. I think you need to discuss becoming teetotal. He obviously can't handle his drink. He sounds like someone who doesn't know when to stop and if this is the case he has to become teetotal. I hope you managed to get across to him that he nearly hurt his child. If this is an escalating problem and he cannot see it then you have to take a cold hard look at your future together. It is difficult enough raising children without having to protect them from their father. flowers

Lweji Thu 02-May-13 14:23:42

Badguider, the problem here was that the husband thought it was a good idea to feel and hold the baby while under the influence...

Lweji Thu 02-May-13 14:23:53

Feed, rather. smile

Isiolo Thu 02-May-13 14:51:58

I disagree with badguider. I think it is crucial that you take the moral high ground. And his family history is very very relevant context

cronullansw Thu 02-May-13 23:53:46

Utterly amazing.......

Where have I said it was ok for him to manhandle the bay? To put the baby in danger?

I didn't.

Op behaved badly by losing it with hubby in front of his friends. She could have handled it like an adult without the added shouting, this was disrespectful, rude and about power.

Catsmother - if op was doing such a great job, then she shouldn't have let hubby have the child in his arms at all, especially whilst so drunk and after the boiled milk incident, let alone walk around and thus fall over.

Lewji - so shouting at your partner if they refuse to do something is being a good parent eh? smile

musickeepsmesane Thu 02-May-13 23:57:55

no it is not about power for the op. There is nothing more scary than a drunk father parenting...................

Isiolo Fri 03-May-13 06:10:23

Come in've got to be able to see its not about power. Scared and angry for her baby; maternal instinct is to protect your chlld

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 08:40:06

Cron, shouting to protect a baby is being a good parent. Sigh!

If the idiot handling the baby is putting his life at risk and keeps going for the baby, fuck politeness.

Why are you being so dense?

And you haven't answered my question if it was your baby and your drunk wife. Please do.

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 08:42:26

Oh, and he picked up the baby.
The mother didn't pass the baby to the husband.

twentythirteen Fri 03-May-13 08:49:37

If he doesn't wake up ashamed and immediately genuinely change his ways you have a problem. He's an alcoholic. He can't see that his mother is because he thinks his own habit is acceptable.

cronullansw Fri 03-May-13 22:57:10


My partner and I are adults and as such are perfectly capable of looking after our children without having screaming fits of tantrums - whether or not alcohol is involved.

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 22:57:54

Still haven't answered my question.

Isiolo Fri 03-May-13 23:10:35

presumably though cron, one of you isnt an alcoholc..

cronullansw Sun 05-May-13 21:08:19

Lewji - obviously not. The first occasion wouldn't have happened, as the sober parent would have been on child duty that night.

See what I mean about behaving as adults?

No fuss, no shouting, just get it done.

Lweji Sun 05-May-13 21:17:16

But that is the point. Sigh.

This drunk man took upon himself to handle the baby!

You cannot seriously be as daft as you seem from your posts.

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