Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Has he an agenda?

(70 Posts)
Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 19:15:50

Hello,

I have been casually dating someone for 4 weeks, he came out of a long term relationship late last year, and I think they both took it hard, split over an argument that got out of hand I think.

She has met someone, got engaged and is planning a wedding this year.

He is now trying to convince her she is rushing into it, and offered to meet to talk to her, admitting he would try and persuade her not to do it.
She does listen to him but he is being very negative about the whole thing and saying its too soon blah blah blah.

Why can't he just wish her well?

TurnipCake Sun 28-Apr-13 19:17:14

Sounds like the flame is still flickering there

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 19:18:45

He's not over her

You are the rebound

I suggest you walk away. Or will you hang around while he tries to convince his ex to come back to him?

Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 19:22:18

He hasn't asked her to get back, but he did say he was in her area and he could meet her after work and admitted it was to tell her she was rushing things, I think its the marriage bit, but the thing that worried me is that he doesn't live near her so I think made up that he was going to be there.

I just don't get why he feels its his business to persude her she is rushing it, surely thats her business?.

I gather things were very bitter and awful when they first split but now they are friendly again, quite recently, he says he is glad she has met someone so why all this?

VelvetSpoon Sun 28-Apr-13 19:27:42

Do they have children?

If so, and assuming that she is the RP, I could understand why he might be unhappy about it, if he feels she is rushing (which tbh it sounds as though she is, no-one should be leaving one relationship to get married within six months)

Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 19:29:05

No children no joint commitments at all

Hassled Sun 28-Apr-13 19:31:03

He's not even remotely over her. You could hang around and wait until he is over her, but I don't think personally I could take the humiliation.

Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 19:35:54

Thanks, he has explained it by saying he cares for her as a friend and doesn't want to see her make a mistake.

TurnipCake Sun 28-Apr-13 19:41:07

Well, he's not exactly going to say anything other than that, is he? But she is his ex, her mistakes are hers to make alone.

Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 19:44:13

Agh I think he still has feelings for her, I was hoping MN might set my mind at rest but it hasn't at all

TurnipCake Sun 28-Apr-13 19:48:21

Go with your gut, trust yourself. I've been there and waited for the humiliation to be left for someone else, that might not happen in this instance, but I think his heart is in more than one place.

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 19:57:21

You knew already, OP. MN has just conformed that your gut feeling should be listened to.

He engineered "being in her area". They are "recently friendly again" after previously being acrimonious

You are The Stooge, love. Don't hang around to get dumped.

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 19:57:32

*confirmed

Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 20:02:50

Depressing thought. I don't want to wait around until he is over her and I am tired of him getting involved in her business I suppose, why he got involved with me I dont know, he said he had moved on and she was a nightmare when we first met

Lueji Sun 28-Apr-13 20:05:54

I agree with the others.

Walk away.

Lueji Sun 28-Apr-13 20:07:48

You have only been dating him for 4 weeks.
When did she get engaged?

It looks like he needed to show her he could pull too.

And as it's only been 4 weeks, surely it's easier to let go now rather than later.

TurnipCake Sun 28-Apr-13 20:07:55

I'm sure he liked you OP but I've seen people jump into relationships soon after and sometimes it's the fear of being alone, sometimes they feel the need to prove they've moved on etc.

Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 20:11:12

She got engaged 3 weeks ago I think, he was pretty shocked, and rather than say congrats he said I hope you know what you are doing etc and so it has gone on.

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 20:18:51

What are you going to do, OP ?

I would imagine "do nothing" should not be an option, tbh

Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 20:37:32

I'm tempted to have a chat with him before I give up, but I don't know that he will be honest

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 20:42:33

Why would you do that ?

You cannot seriously be all that invested after "casually dating" for 4 weeks ?

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 20:43:05

He is using you to try and get one over on his ex. You can't see that ? You would accept that ?

littleflowerlady Sun 28-Apr-13 20:45:51

I'd have dumped him by now.

Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 20:59:41

I suppose no one thinks he could be a nice bloke concerned about her?

I don't think that is a dumping offence

Lueji Sun 28-Apr-13 21:01:51

I'm sure someone somewhere will think he's just concerned.

I don't.

The issue here is: do you trust he loves you more than her?

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 21:08:41

Why are so bothered ?

You've known him 4 weeks

Move on and find someone who isn't hung up on his ex

Why are you trying to find reasons to chase after with someone this ? Have you a habit of choosing unavailable men ?

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 21:09:17

*you

SlumberingDormouse Sun 28-Apr-13 21:16:09

Get out now. I once waited around for someone to get over an ex (guess what - he never did!) and it was probably the worst 3 months of my life. Feeling second best is dreadful.

pinkyredrose Sun 28-Apr-13 21:50:58

If you're just casually dating why are you so bothered? Get out there and date other people, this man isn't available for anything more than fun and no strings sex by the sound of it.

elastamum Sun 28-Apr-13 21:57:40

Hate to say this, but the very fact he is telling you all this says you are not top of his agenda. If you were the most important person in his world, he would not be casing after his ex and telling you all about it.

He hasnt moved on and is quite simply emotionally unavailable. I would leave before you get burnt.

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 21:57:45

Not so high on "fun" either when he is obsessing about his ex every 5 minutes

elastamum Sun 28-Apr-13 21:58:19

Chasing ater his ex - sorry!

Lovetwinkies Mon 06-May-13 11:19:52

Had a long talk with him, and I think I feel happier.

He assures me he has totally moved on which is why he can be friendly with her again.

They are meeting just for a coffee and I do trust him.

pinkyredrose Mon 06-May-13 11:27:22

Do you want to be in a relationship with him?

Lovetwinkies Mon 06-May-13 11:28:34

Yes I do

Helltotheno Mon 06-May-13 11:30:32

Rebound. Unless you're just in it for the zexy times, show him the door.
Ask him what he'd do if she split with the guy and asked your BF to get back with her?

Lweji Mon 06-May-13 11:33:45

Sure...

ecclesvet Mon 06-May-13 11:38:20

Well done OP for having a healthy relationship with communication and trust. I do believe that you can be concerned for an ex making major life decisions without still being hung up on them. The 'LTB' mindset is jumped to very quickly on this board!

Lovetwinkies Mon 06-May-13 11:39:08

He said he would never get back with her, she is now having doubts about new man and wondering if she is making a mistake, he just wants to make sure she doesnt.

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 11:39:46

deary me < sigh >

ChunkyChicken Mon 06-May-13 11:41:05

The trouble is he can say he has moved on & possibly even feel he has moved on but I very much doubt he has. It was a long term relationship that split acrimoniously quite recently. There is unfinished business there, whether its just working out why it finished & accepting it, or otherwise. But he hasn't accepted its over, because he wants to interfere in her new relationship.

And frankly, to me it seems like she isn't over it either & is rushing into things with a new man to help her get over her ex. Don't misunderstand me - she may be with Mr Right and be perfectly happy, but, unless there are mitigating circumstances, it feels like she is almost forcing commitment & that feeling of security that you get from longevity in a relationship - she is engineering it somewhat.

So, IMO, neither of them have laid the relationship to rest and it may take some time. However, he shouldn't be helping her to 'see the error of her ways' - its blurring boundaries. I assume she has other friends & relatives who could talk to her??

So, the question is; are you mentally and emotionally strong enough to put your feelings to one side, be there for him & wait for the natural healing process to occur, and hope that, when he finally reaches acceptance that that relationship is in the past, he will want to be with you?

Lovetwinkies Mon 06-May-13 11:44:10

I think he is over it, although he does think that she is rushing into something else as she is on the rebound from him and has said this to her, she denies it.

Fluffypinkcoat Mon 06-May-13 11:52:44

All this effort for someone you've dated four weeks and for three of those weeks he's been chasing after his ex? Big red warning alarm ding ding at the fact he says she will be on the rebound. Projecting!

Lovetwinkies Mon 06-May-13 11:55:29

Thanks Fluffy, that hit a bum note with me too, I just thought it was conceited. If he thinks she is on the rebound that implies he thinks she is not over him so he shouldn't be interfering or contacting or meeting her surely?

Helltotheno Mon 06-May-13 11:58:52

The thing is OP, if you'd been together two years and he was doing this, I'd say fine.. I'm all in favour of people having friendly relationships with exes, I have with a few of mine.

But you've been together 4 weeks!! You should be in the first flush and things like what his ex is doing should just be white noise in the background. Seriously, he is not over her. As someone said upthread, this just all smacks of unfinished business. Why is he still involved with her major life decisions? He shouldn't care whether she marries the man in the moon, he's with you!!

Lweji Mon 06-May-13 12:03:06

Unless he was concerned about this man and his children, it should not be any of his business.

I wouldn't have this type of chat with any friend, unless I thought the prospective partner was abusive.

Sorry, but I'm not convinced at all about his reasons and would ditch him.

Kione Mon 06-May-13 12:09:29

I agree with Helltotheno.

Lovetwinkies Mon 06-May-13 12:11:55

The trouble is I have really fallen for him, and I want to belive he is over her, he sounds like he is when he is talking, I'm just nervous what will happen when they meet up.

Helltotheno Mon 06-May-13 12:14:07

Break it off and tell him to contact you in six months if he's still interested. By that time, you might have moved on yourself.

lowercase Mon 06-May-13 12:28:42

You don't want to see the truth of it, so you are ignoring your intuition and the collective wisdom of the board.

This will bring you ( even more ) pain.

Stop listening to what he says, and start observing what he does!
He says he doesn't want to be with her, but is going to meet her?
Flag!

Pollydon Mon 06-May-13 12:44:09

Been there, done that, being 2 nd best is shit.
Leave.

Lovetwinkies Mon 06-May-13 12:45:29

Thanks everyone, what I am asking myself is if they meet and she gives a signal will they get back together?

lowercase Mon 06-May-13 13:08:26

It is highly likely.

But if he doesn't this time, maybe next time.

Lweji Mon 06-May-13 13:52:20

In any case, would you want to be with anyone who is still thinking about someone else?

TurnipCake Mon 06-May-13 13:55:59

Oh dear.

A few weeks in is the time to get to know a person, figure out their values and see where your relationship is heading. It's supposed to be a happy, exciting time.

You are asking yourself whether your boyfriend will get back together with his ex if she gave him the signal. If you have to ask yourself this, something is wrong. He is paying lip service to you, believe me, you'll come out of this hurting more than them.

Fluffypinkcoat Mon 06-May-13 14:15:49

She won't give a signal because she's moved on. He will be spending god knows how long hoping she will and dreaming she will while being with you to pass the time. Don't you want more than that for yourself?

Helltotheno Mon 06-May-13 16:26:09

The ex-gf may not have moved on at all. You and this other schmuck sound like bit players in their drama...

The only thing you should be worrying your pretty little head about is what hot undies you're going to wear for your next steamy session. This other stuff is not where your head is supposed to be at at this stage in a relationship!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 06-May-13 16:54:52

He is concerned about her making a mistake and now he tells you she has doubts about her new partner.

Now you worry about her perhaps giving him a signal when they next meet and they'll get back together.

The signal is a big klaxon proclaiming Unfinished Business and I honestly think unless you're wearing ear defenders you'd better pay attention to it.

Why don't you make other plans this week and let them figure it out? He is not over her.

Rulesgirl Mon 06-May-13 17:06:36

He doesn't just have feelings for her, he is still in love with her. Sorry sad

ecclesvet Mon 06-May-13 17:48:59

How on earth do you know that, Rulesgirl? Do you know him personally?

Hissy Mon 06-May-13 19:00:41

You don't know him at ALL! FFS! you have NOT fallen for him. You are in lust.

You have NOTHING invested in you, and he clearly has NOTHING invested in you.

He's keeping you around for his ego, so that he's not alone while his ex moves on. Sorry but you have to end this, it'll destroy you.

His ex may not be making a mistake, but I really thing you are if you put up with this now. It'll set a tone that'll never lift.

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 19:14:24

You don't get the things you really want if you simply wish hard enough for them love

You should have left that Mindset behind when you were about 12yo

Rulesgirl Mon 06-May-13 19:35:12

it's obvious by his behaviour.smile

Pollydon Tue 07-May-13 07:32:12

Yes, he would. Sorry, but move on now, don't wait to be what on sad

Pollydon Tue 07-May-13 07:33:28

* shat on. New phone does not approve of swearing!

Machli Tue 07-May-13 07:45:38

This reminds me of that episode of friends where Ross and Phoebe are dating two exes and end having arguments about the ex couples relationships and their reasons for breaking up grin. Anyone remember that one?

OP wake up. They're going to get back together or at the very least sit around being drama llamas about their misunderstood and thwarted love. Neither of which looks good for your "4 weeker". If he was over her he wouldn't give a hoot what she was up to and if she was over him she certainly wouldn't be arsed to meet him and listen to his talking to. She'd be too busy with her new man.

I suspect you'll remain till the bitter end though won't you? Ah well, you're not the first and you won't be the last.

Lovetwinkies Tue 04-Jun-13 12:33:11

They did actually get back together after all that. Only took one meeting.

Crushed:-(

utterlyconfused11 Tue 04-Jun-13 13:14:59

Sorry lovetwinkies - had it written all over it. Least you found out he still loved her sooner rather than later. I know my boyfriend tried to get back with his ex when he was with me luckly she didn't want to know and he doesnt see her anymore, not a nice feeling at all. least he was honest with you.

Lovetwinkies Tue 04-Jun-13 13:21:13

Thanks, I think he was lying to himself when he said he was over her.

A lesson learnt I guess for me, I wish men would just say it like it is rather than pretend or deny things.

Sorry it ended this way.
There are some wise women here on MN!
You'll find that Mr Right and it will be fab.
Good luck.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now